Between You And Me (Ukázka, strana 99)

that’s still in my mind. And I hope you get rid of yours too!” he concluded, raising his glass.

I wanted to say something more to Matyáš, but in the end I decided to move away from the subject, and so I just declared: “Here’s to a big decision!”

I had a wonderful chat with Matyáš that evening. It was a huge relief to confide in him about all that was troubling me. On the way home from the pub we had to hold each other up to avoid falling over. We were both heading in different directions, but before we parted, I said to Matyáš: “That experience with the girl from college…”

Matyáš didn’t let me finish, but quickly interrupted me and drunkenly declared “…it’s a closed chapter!”

“Thanks, Matyáš. Next time… if I get into an even remotely similar situation, I won’t run away like a coward. I’ll try to overcome my fear. – I swear!”

Matyáš smiled at me. “You know what just struck me? Since I’m planning to go off on my travels soon, maybe it would be a good idea to have a travelling companion. Do you fancy coming with me?”

“It sounds good …,” I replied.

“I don’t want to put pressure on you, I know you have to take care of your grandparents.”

“They won’t even go out to the shops by themselves…”

“Maybe they should get used to the fact that you’ve got your own life to live. Think about it, and once you make your decision let me know,” added Matyáš.

We wished each other a pleasant weekend and went our separate ways.

– 99 –

CHAPTER 13 A Friend of a Friend “They say this bloke’s got a very complicated nature. His opinions and his actions depend on the level of adrenaline he perceives in any given situation. He often employs deceit and lies. He goes out of his way to seek out or create situations that are highly emotionally charged, apparently so that he can feel and understand the value and above all the depth of his judgement. And then he decides about everything else simply at random. He hasn’t set himself any goals in life, at least that’s what my friend says. He lives in permanent fear of wasting his time, and so he has no other option than to view everything that comes his way as…,” I searched for the right words for a moment, “…as a fleeting experience. The way he sees it, it makes no difference whether he considers his judgement in every detail or doesn’t reflect upon it at all, because either way it’s something that can’t be undone. When he’s in this kind of frame of mind, he comes to the conclusion that he’ll always have doubts about whether his decision was the right one, or if he could have made a better one. I’ll give you an example… He’ll never know how it might have turned out if he’d stayed with his wife a few months longer rather than demanding a divorce as soon as he found out she was having an affair. Or what his life might be like today if he’d stayed on at school when he was younger. Or how many experiences he missed out on when he turned down so many job offers. – These are the questions that remind him how transitory the consequences of their answers are.”

“What you’re saying is certainly interesting.”

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“I’m just paraphrasing that friend of mine. Friend of a friend, rather.”

“He must have some kind of reason for his behaviour…”

“Yes, he does. A long time ago someone hurt him. – What’s interesting about it is that he knows that through his actions and his way of thinking he’s just creating more problems for himself, and in doing so he’s also hurting the people around him. He’s aware that his approach isn’t rational. It’s highly strung, dangerous, extreme…, everything but rational. But for some reason he can’t change it. He simply can’t,” I blurted out rapidly. “Just try to imagine how he must feel.”

My grandad contemplated for a moment. “First of all I thought that he must be a nihilist, but… based on what you say, his behaviour probably bothers him.”

“It definitely bothers him, and that’s why I wouldn’t call him a nihilist. In my view he’s just casual about things. But he doesn’t want to be casual, he just doesn’t know how to stop.” I didn’t need to describe and explain anything to my grandad for long, he was always able to understand what I meant, and when I left anything unsaid he could always fill in the gaps correctly. It was more comfortable for me to talk about a friend of a friend than about myself. I continued with this masquerade, even though there was no doubt in my mind that my grandad knew very well who we were really talking about.

“He’s lost.”

“And unhappy,” I added. “What advice would you give to a person like that?”

“It’s probably not so much a case of advice. – I think that something’s got to happen. Some kind of unexpected event has to come along that’ll confront him with responsibility. No doubt initially he’ll feel that conscious fear, but if it’s about something very

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