ICHIGEKI HISSATSU Issue #3

Anime Gaming Comics Music Movies TV

Ichigeki Hissatsu One

Hit

Kill

Magazine

Oct 2014

Win! A copy of Assassin’s Creed Unity! Details inside.

WANT TO ADVERTISE IN ICHIGEKI HISSATSU? - IT’S FREE! CONTACT US NOW! Ichigekimag@gmail.com

Musings from your Editors Ichigeki Hissatsu is back with an all new third issue packed with some amazing stuff. We’re also giving away a copy of Assassin’s Creed Unity to celebrate its release! Our first prize giveaway!

A lot of exiting stuff is happening at IH HQ, lots of planning, with big things in store for the SA community.

November will bring many awesome things, like the game and movie I’ve been waiting for ALL year: Dragon Age Inquisition and Mockingjay Part 1.

Here at IH we also had a new member join the team, Reikyuubi who is bringing his Skyrim skills on board.

Welcome sir! We’re glad to have you.

Also, many thanks to Joshua Klein, our amazing cover artist! We <3 you so much.

Here’s hoping you enjoy this issue of Ichigeki!

Zana-Lee xoxo

Odette Nieuwoudt AKA Zana-Lee

Issue 3.

What can I say.

I did another interview with Craig.

Which Zana refuses to read through because I apparently sexualized woman and that made her nauseous.

Whatever.

Enjoy the issue.

Vat ‘n kans wen ‘n prys.

Next time, next time the prize will blow your freaken minds! Cause. importation.

Love, Xoxoxo Spooky

JGL Nieuwoudt AKA Spooky

CONTENTS 8

News

11

Opinion Piece - “Otaku”

12

RAge 2014 - Spooky’s Review

14

Rage 2014 - Zana’s Review

16

Cover Article - Avatar

26

Paradise Kiss - Review

28

Getter Robo

29

Sailor Moon Crystal

32

Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines

35

Mirror’s Edge

38

Classic Gaming

43

Skyrim: Mod of the Month

47

Candy Magazine Preview

72

Avatar: The Last Airbender: The Promise Trilogy Review

74

Getting Into Comics Part 2

79

Batman & Red Hood Shattered by Rage Review

80

Pako Mekute’s Gridlocked

95

Cosplay Interview with Tiffany & Jayde

100

The Mortal Instruments: TV Show

102

Iggy Azalea’s The New Classic Album Review

104

Batman: Under the Red Hood Review

106

Movies Nov

107

Book to Film Adaptions

109

VA Spot - Tara Strong

110

DC Cinematic Universe

119

Spooky Writes

121

Spooky’s World

152

Ask Nurse Joy

IH

Profiles

Spooky Name: Kobus Nieuwoudt Age: 24 Favourite Anime: Trigun Favorite Game: Age of Empires 2 / Do om Currently Watching: Justified Current Obsession: Kommando Jan Listening To: SAXON Reading: Judge Dredd Playing: Brutal Do om & Contra Hard Corps

Zana-Lee

Name: Odette Nieuwoudt Age: 22 Favourite Anime: Naruto/Naruto Shippuuden Favorite Game: Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic Currently Watching: Reign & The Inbetweeners UK Current Obsession: Writing Listening To: Taylor Swift Reading: Legend by Marie Lu Playing: Dragon Age 2 / Assassinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Creed 2

IH

Profiles

Reikyuubi Name: Jayde Wentzel Age: 22 Favourite Anime: One Piece Favorite Game: The Metal Gear Solid Series Currently Watching: Bakemonogatari Current Obsession: Working on cosplays Listening To: Echosmith Reading: Assasins Creed Revelations Playing: Ultimate Ninja Storm Revolution / Guild Wars 2

With...

Joshua Klein Cover Artist Extraordinaire

Resident Skyrim Guy

IH

NEWS

Over 40 DC & Marvel Movies to be Released in the Next 6 Years.

2015: The Avengers: Age of Ultron Ant-Man Fantastic Four 2016: Deadpool Batman VS Superman Captain America X-Men: Apocalypse Doctor Strange Suicide Squad Sinister 6 2017: Venom Carnage Wolverine 3 Wonder Woman Guardians of the Galaxy 3 Fantastic Four 2 Justice League 2018: The Amazing Spider-Man 3 The Flash Aquaman 2019: Shazam Justice League 2 Cyborg Green Lantern *Unconfirmed/untitled movies omitted Our Favorite Loud-Mouthed Unpredictable Ninja Says Goodbye in November After 15 years, it was confirmed on the site of Japanese publisher, Shueisha, that Naruto is set to end on the 14th of November in the Weekly Shonen Jump, where it premiered in September all those years ago.

The manga will be followed by a series of movies, starting by The Last, which will be released in December this year.

Even though Naruto will end, it will stay in our hearts forever.

Thank you, Kishimoto, for creating such an epic, wonderful masterpiece.

WHATâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S NEW Taylor Swiftâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s 1989 album, set for Oct 27 release - LEAKED.

Judge Dredd TV Show

Guardians of the Galaxy Audio Cassette

Psycho Pass 2 2014-10-09

IH

NEWS

Digimon Adventure will return in 2015!

The original DigiDestined will return in the Spring of 2015 with an all new story, and this time, they’re in High School!

This was revealed at the 15th Anniversary Event of Digimon.

The announcement simply stated: Taichi, seventeen, High School Days.

Ichigeki Hissatsu is super excited about this and will be keeping you up to date with things as they progress!

Ghost Busters to return...with an all-female Crew?

Fans seem to hate the idea, but Bill Murray is down with it, even going as far as suggesting some cast choices. “It sounds great to me,” he told Access Hollywood, “It sounds as good an idea as any other! There are a lot of women who could scare off any kind of vapor.”

Some of his cast picks included Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Wiig, Linda Cardellini and Emma Stone.

Daredevil TV Show This Netflix x Marvel project is said to show a much, much darker side of Marvel and Daredevil, actor Charlie Cox told The Hollywood Reporter.

Starring: Charlie Cox, Rosario Dawson, Deborah Ann Woll.

The show is set to hit Netflix in 2015.

Want to join Ichigeki Hissatsu?

We are lo oking for regular: - Article Writers - Opinion based - Mangaka for a monthly manga insert - Short stories and fanfiction - fan-artists - Cosplayers to be featured in the magazine We’ll need cosplay tips and tricks from those who know!

Don’t want to make a commitment? That’s fine to o!

Submit your work and if we like it - we’ll publish it in the magazine. Write when you have the time!

IH

How to contact us: via Facebook: www.fb.com/IHmagazine drop us a inbox! or email: ichigekimag@gmail.com

IH

Opinions

The Trouble with ‘Otaku’

A couple of years ago (if I admit it's more than a couple I'll really start to feel old) I was part of a really amazing group on an IM app called mig33.

There was an anime chat room (of which at least 3 members wanted to take credit for creating) but regardless of that, we were a true community, or more accurately - a true group of friends. We were close-knit and spent almost all of our time together, regardless of school or getting some actual sleep. Of course, we didn't always talk about Anime or Manga, but it was definitely the main topic there. Many of the regs would know me as kuchiki.rukia.

Of course, nothing good lasts and eventually the room was overrun, but I hold some very fond memories of them and still keep in touch with some of my close friends from the room.

So now, years later, there is a sort-of online community and I stress community since it cannot be seen as a group of friends. The line separating them is too clear. In the anime room we had two groups: noobs and regs. And obviously there were noobs pretending to be regs and I feel like its them that are seriously over populating the community now. “Otaku” who are Japan-crazy and apparently love anime but haven't even bothered to watch big names like Rurouni Kenshin, Fist of the North Star or Inuyasha. Most haven't even heard of these titles. Which, in my opinion, is impossible. (I actually spoke to someone at rAge last year who didn't have a clue about Gundam. 'Oh, I've heard the name,

BY Zana-Lee what's that about?' You don't have to like mecha to know one of the biggest names in anime. I helped him out, but still). They follow the new trends, watching new anime exclusively like Free! And High School DxD. The saddest thing is that these guys are completely elitist. Acting as if they are the only anime authorities around but don't have the faintest clue about the anime that really matters.

The horrible truth about the noob generation is is that they don't want to learn. They are too content watching the new stuff (that don't come even close to those big names. I'll admit that not all new titles are bad (mostly I'm talking about Shingeki no Kyojin) but most of them are severely poor) and they completely disregard older titles like Dragon Ball and Z and Yu-gi Oh. The anime room, as I mentioned, was overrun. It happened slowly, when “indos” would come in speaking Indonesian in an obviously Englishspeaking group, until we were completely pushed out. Sadly, that's what I fear is happening to this 'community'.

But the world can't always be what you want it to be.

IH

RAge 2014

Rage 2014

Okay, so I had a piece, a very long and heavy piece. I sent in the finished product to Zana for approval, and lets be honest here, everything I've done in the past has been approved right? Apparently I've gone too far. According to her my very long and heavy piece crossed the line on more than one level and that our humble publication won't fuck with things like that. Okay, so, I'm not allowed to use masturbation as a metafore, not even if its being used to drive a point home or as a comedic device. Okay, got it. So, instead of doing another piece to visually state just how I felt about rAge 2014. I'm going to do it in song.

And what better song to choose than one that was on the radio back when I really enjoyed rAge, right? So. Dearest rAge.

"I Don't Love You" Well, when you go Don't ever think I'll make you try to stay And maybe when you get back I'll be off to find another way And after all this time that you still owe You're still the good-for-nothing I don't know So take your gloves and get out Better get out While you can When you go Would you even turn to say "I don't love you Like I did Yesterday" Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading So sick and tired of all the needless beating But baby when they knock you Down and out It's where you oughta stay And after all the blood that you still owe Kind Regards :)

Another dollar's just another blow So fix your eyes and get up Better get up While you can Whoa, whooa When you go Would you even turn to say "I don't love you Like I did Yesterday" Well come on, come on When you go Would you have the guts to say "I don't love you Like I loved you Yesterday" I don't love you Like I loved you Yesterday I don't love you Like I loved you Yesterday

My Chemical Romance.

Spooky.

(heh, I think this is worse than the previous piece. Hmm, simplicity hits harder I guess.)

IH

RAge 2014

The Review

Zana-Leeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Review Now that I've had time to sleep on it, I think it's time to get down to the truth about rAge 2014.

We gave away some discs with a few issues of IH plus some samples of Kommando Jan and Zombie Bill, and this was also the year of my first cosplay as Bulma Briefs (more on that later).

First, let's talk about the expo itself. WHERE THE FUCK WAS DRAGON AGE INQUISITION?! It was virtually the only reason I decided to go this year (other than writing this review). It wasn't there. I managed to get my hands on a Dragon Age Origins shirt (it was the last one, just a little after 10 on Sat: the fact that it was sold out so quickly means that DA has a following and people actually wanted to see it. When I say last one - I mean the very last one, the one they had on display. 2XL. it's huge, I'll wear it as a dress.)

Many other huge games were also suspiciously M.I.A. Including Batman. We all know rAge is pretty big as far as South African cons/expos go, and I feel that this year was my worst rAge experience so far. The highlight was probably seeing my friends, meeting new people, playing Singstar and the Artist Alley. Games like Singstar (and competitive dancing games) are great for cons in my opinion. Singing songs like Can't Get You Out of My Head and Royals which everyone knows, is a great way to have fun while competing with each other. I was also looking forward to Assassin's Creed Unity, but it was only available on Xbox, so I gave it a pass, since I will never in my life, own an Xbox (no

Hikari no Michi Cosplay - Light Offence to those who do. But console-wise, I'm a PS girl).

The artist alley was the place to be this year and my favourite spot in the Dome. Lots of local comic for sale. Spooky got a few. I was surprised to see a local author, Chantelle Roberts, selling her novel there, titled Prayer for the Blood Angel.

An independently published book and a great quality product, and totally worth the price.

Spooky and I also had one of the artists there sketch us, Greg Nell. A funny guy with an American accent and a lot of talent, you can check him out at andotherstories.com Now on to the cosplay. Saturday produced a hell of a lot of talent of that front. Amazing armors, anime characters, and everything else in between. Some amazing Star Wars cosplay. I also loved the InuYasha group and Baka Sakura's Wonder Woman. I have to say firstly that, many cosplayers were friendly to me and welcoming, especially later, telling me that I look nice, but I did see some cosplayers who totally ignored me.

It was my first time cosplaying (I was nervous as hell), and seeing a few cosplayer I admired for so long for their hard work and amazing cosplays just outright ignore me right off after I arrived and then a few times throughout the day was kind of hurtful on an embarrassing level for me, since I felt like I didn't belong there and definitely contemplated just taking off the cosplay and pulling my DA shirt on. But I didn't and I'm glad. A lot of people recognized Bulma and said hi and took some pics with me.

Spooky & Reikyuubi getting to know each other better

But after the expo I can definitely see where this elitism comes from that everyone keeps talking about, even though it's exactly these cosplayers who always say there's no elitism.

Other than that, rAge will have to do something pretty amazing next year for me to contemplate going, but I will be visiting other cons. Maybe in cosplay ;)

IH

Cover Article

The revolutionary cartoon that changed everything in 2005, has evolved into a full-fleged phenomenon, with comics, games and much more. BY Zana-Lee

IH

Cover Article

So, Korra's Book Four trailer hits days before the first episode, that was teased to only be airing in 2015.

The tailer was faced-paced, showed a clear timeskip (where Korra should be around 20) and teased Toph (finally). Korra is also shown sporting a shorter hairdo. This can signify many things, as it did for Sakura in Naruto, but it possibly shows the same change in both characters, and ultimately showing that they've matured. As Book Four will be the last Book of Korra, I am excited to see if many of our questions will be answered or if it will also be followed by a comic book series.

The Legend of Korra is a show that forms part of the Avatar series, and takes place years after the end of Avatar: The Last Airbender, where Korra is the next Avatar in the cycle and after completing her water, fire and earth training she follows Aang's son, Tenzin, the only living airbending master to Republic City, where she starts her airbending training and joins a Probending team, the Fireferrets, along with Mako and Bolin.

The first Book follows Korra through her time in Republic City where she finds out about an antibender faction led by a masked man known as Amon, that has the shocking ability of taking away people's bending. Korra must navigate politics in Republic City, master airbending and juggle her Avatar duties while taking down Amon.

The first Book was gripping and compelling and extremely wellwritten.

The episodes were story-driven and there were few eps that felt like filler. I loved the whole industrial feeling they were going for. It just worked. Book Two was a let down for me for several reasons. With ATLA, Book Two, following up on One, aimed to be better and it was, with the additions of Toph and Azula, and although Korra's Book Two saw Eska and Desna and various other new characters (including Aang's other children Kaya and Bumi) I felt that the story and writing let it down, as a followup to an already great first Book. It is also important to note that Book One gave us a closed ending where the story could have been left like that and I would have been satisfied, while Book Two continuously feels like there is something missing (something Book One clearly had).

Things picked up in Book Three again, picking up where Book Two left off and introducing a new enemy the Red Lotus. One main difference between Korra and ATLA is that ATLA had a tying story, in all three Books Aang's mission was the same: stop the war, defeat the Fire Lord, and I would have liked if Korra had the same prime goal, that might have made the story feel more solid.

The Legend of Korra is more mature than ATLA which is to be expected since the characters in LoK are older and will naturally have to deal with more mature situations, but I also believe that the creators intended for LoK to have an older target audience, possibly the fans of ATLA that would obviously be older at that point. Book Three of Korra really pushed the boundaries though, and although they minimized romance, the violence level definitely wasn't suitable for children (Zaheer openly murdering the Earth Queen with his airbending). After seeing that episode, I can't say I was surprised that Nickelodeon pulled Korra from airing on TV. So far, I have to say that I definitely enjoyed ATLA more (which could change since I haven't seen Korra Book 4 yet) but so far, Korra has yet to beat my love for ATLA Book 3 and also a character as cool as Zuko (they don't show nearly enough of Grandson Iroh in my opinion).

Long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony. But then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.

Every so often, something revolutionary comes around that changes the way you look at things.

Avatar: The Last Airbender was that thing. Not only for cartoon fans but also in the anime community.

It manages to bring together story, action and characters in such a perfect blend that it is impossible not to love this show. Not only is a written far beyond the level of standard of the shit they're showing today, but it also (unsurprisingly) manages to capture the attention of fans of all ages. Avatar's story is not only more than it appears but it also transcends the box Nick created for it, giving it the potential to become so much more.

One of the most important aspects is the character relationships, and its also important to note how Aang perceives these relationships. How Aang feels about Katara, how he interacts with Zuko and eventually, Toph. Where LoK focuses more on romantic relationships, it's refreshing to see how important friendship is in ATLA. ATLA is also one of the few shows that prominently shows character development, which is especially noticeable during the end of Book Two and into Three, where we learn the reason behind Katara's mothering, and we see that Sokka is more than just the meat and sarcasm guy. Most importantly, Book Three is the stage for Zuko's greatest change, and it is also my favourite for that very reason.

Though Book One is slow to start it definitely creates an interesting platform for the story to continue on, with likeable characters and a lot of potential. Book One continues to build up until the final episodes where the audience is definitely left wanting more, and Book Two doesn't fail to deliver. Book Two gives us two of the fan favourite characters in the show: Toph and Azula, who add more edge-of-your-seat excitement to the episodes.

But overall, I found Book Three to be my favourite, including episodes like Day of Black Sun, The Southern Raiders and The Boiling Rock there is no comparison and it is also the reason why I still believe that ATLA is better than LoK,

Simply because ATLA had some kind of goal it was working towards during the entirety of the show, while LoK's Books feels a little more singular to me.

IH

Cover Article

ATLA is definitely one of the best if the the best cartoon I have ever watched because it had such a perfect blend of everything that I love set together in one cartoon and it is definitely recommended.

In addition ATLA also left us with many unanswered questions (that many of us have been waiting for in Korra.

What happened to Azula? Did she commit suicide since she wasn't in prison with Ozai?

Where is Zuko's mother?

What is Combustion Man's real name?

Who are the fathers of Toph's children (my theory: Suyin's dad is Sokka) How does LOK tie in with ATLA: Korra is the next Avatar in the cycle after Aang.

The Avatar cycle has a Air Water Earth Fire pattern. When Aang died, his Avatar spirit travelled to Korra and she became the next Avatar in the cycle, and being in the Southern Water Tribe meant she immediately had a connection to Katara. It is said that Sokka is dead, sadly, but confirmed that Zuko is still alive and assumed that Toph is as well.

Top 10 ATLA Moments: 1. I AM NOT TOPH, I AM MELON LORD! MWUHAHA 2. Sozinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Comet 3. The Day of Black Sun 4. The Dragon Dance 5. The Southern Raiders 6. Zuko VS Katara in the Spirit Oasis 7. The Ember Island Players 8. Tales of Ba Sing Se 9. The Blue Spirit 10. The Avatar and The Fire Lord.

Anime

With..

Paradise Kiss Getter Robo

IH

Anime

BY Zana-Lee

For me, this mangaka's work definitely stands out from the rest. I have only ever watched 2 shoujo anime before Paradise Kiss, NANA and Shoujo Beat (both of which I absolutely loved).

While watching Shoujo Beat, I tried to broaden my horizons for the first time and tried Itazura na Kiss (since I knew that Azu and Seamo performed the second ED Jikan Yo Tomare which is one of my favourite songs). It was a disaster, and I think I should be commended for getting to 15 episodes before dropping it completely. While watching ParaKiss, I also tried Say I Love You and from what I've heard both Itazura na Kiss and Say I Love You are both big names among shoujo fans and while I finished Say I Love You, I can't honestly say that I loved it.

Paradise Kiss, like Nana, seemed to Be a whole other story with me. Like NANA, which didn't solely focus on the romance and had a music edge.

Paradise Kiss' edge was fashion. The story follows High School student Yukari who gets scouted by one of the designers in Paradise Kiss to be their model for a big show. As someone dedicated to her studies, Yukari refuses but eventually joins up with Paradise Kiss and eventually, throughout the story she begins to question everything she thought was important to her. With a dash of romance from bi-sexual George.

One of the things I loved in Paradise Kiss was how some of the characters had English nicknames (Caroline for Yakari, George and Izabella), but I found that the relationship between Caroline and George was beyond frustrating. You never knew if they were on or off (even if it was obvious that they were mostly on), maybe that added to the angsty factor of the story but it just made me stress.

The fashion in Paradise Kiss was something I really enjoyed, I loved seeing Yakari transform with all the different outfits that they put her in, not only in ParaKiss but also for her work as a model. The styles overall were exactly what one would expect from Japan, quirky but stylish.

Caroline definitely grows a lot throughout the twelve episodes, maybe a bit too much in my opinion. She grew the way George wanted her to, but that was also the reason she ultimately lost him or chose to let

him go as it were. In the movie, she goes after him though and in the manga she marries her school crush Hiro. But in the anime it's some faceless, nameless dude like the end of True Blood and I just cannot stand it.

But still Paradise Kiss has somehow managed to become one of my favourite shoujo anime (not that I've seen a lot but it's up there). If you haven't seen it and you love NANA, watch this.

IH

Anime

The Getter Robo Saga is the father of Gurren Lagann.

No Ryoma, no Kamina!

Simple as that.

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Manly, Hot Blooded and Burning with youth.

And best of all, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a mecha show. Well, Super Robot to be exact.

In a world of Robots piloted by Emo Pussies, comes the Getter Robo Team. My friend, this is what you wanted. This is what you need!

IH

Anime

Sailor Moon started as a shoujo manga in the 80s and was turned into an anime in the year 1992. It was hugely popular. Today, it's been revamped with new animation, a new voice cast and apparently a filler-free series.

BY Zana-Lee

The perfect timing.

SMC features new animation styles, while still holding that old Anime feel to it, as seen in the hair and eyes. The entire anime has kind of a soft glaze, until To date, Sailor Moon: Crystal The name 'Tuxedo Mask' (who is their Magical Girl transformation (SMC from here on) has a few starts then the animation episodes out and follows the story obviously, in my opinion, the switches to some vibrant cgi of Usagi, a middle school student High School guy she keeps with an alter-ego known as Sailor running into) I have to say - he is scenes. My favourite is definitely Sailor Moon at the moment, the definitely the perfect romance Moon. It airs every second week pink ribbons are really amazingly male lead and even though the and has 26 episodes planned for opening theme clearly says that done, with Sailor Mars in a close the first part. At the start of the second (because...fire). they don't need a man to save first episode, I couldn't help but them, Tuxedo Mask sure knows notice Usagi's voice.

It had a strange quality to it and had me wondering for a bit what was up with it, but as the episodes progressed I found that I noticed it less and less.

I've only ever seen one other Magical Girl anime Mew Mew Power (or Tokyo Mew Mew which I will start watching in Japanese soon), the similarities are a bit striking between them and I wonder if there's some sort of guideline for Magical Girl manga / anime, in personalities, order of events and character appearance.

Although, I am aware that Sailor Moon came before TMM, it would be interesting to see if this is a recurring thing in other stories or if TMM somehow copied some ideas from Sailor Moon, (Which is not unheard of since SM clearly had a winning recipe).

Overall, I'm impressed with SMC, it's entertaining with the perfect dose of romance, comedy and action. Although, I would not recommend it to the 'watcher of all manly anime Spooky' its definitely a fun watch, and I would love to see where it goes!

Gaming

With..

Vampire: The Masquerade Bloodlines Skyrim Mod of the Month and more..

IH

Unlike most players, I was fortunate enough to play Vampire: The Masquerade Redemption first. It follows the story of Christof and spans over two timelines. Bloodlines isn't as story driven as Redemption was but it is no less addictive.

Gaming

Bloodlines follows the story of a fledgling vampire (male or female and from either the Brujah, Tremere, Malkavian, Toreador or Ventrue clans), where you were turned without the permission of the Camarilla leader in LA, prince Sebastian LeCroix. Your sire, an unnamed vampire from the same clan you chose, is sentenced to death and beheaded by LeCroix's lapdog right in front of you. Your fate is set to be the same as any other unauthorized fledgling execution, but before LeCroix can give the order a vampire in the audience, Nines Rodriguez comes to your defence and LeCroix on a whim decides to spare your life and sends you to Santa Monica where he probably hopes you will die.

BY Zana-Lee Gameplay in Bloodlines is quite different from Redemption. You have no companions in this one and have to play the entire game solo which gets quite lonely.

The game is divided up in missions and locations.

Throughout the game, you visit several cities in the area including Santa Monica, Hollywood, Downtown L.A and Chinatown.

Jeanette

Each with their own set of missions and places to visit, including the level everyone wishes they could skip the Ocean View Guest House in Santa Monica. Either because it's too damn scary or because they find it annoying.

In my case: eek.

Your character, unlike in Redemption, isn't attractive at all. In fact, none of the playable options are good to look at. The NPC's have a stark difference to that though. The work in movement and looks (Nines, Jeanette Voerman, V.V) has an advanced precision and detail, especially for the time in which the game was released. Each NPC had their own habits: seen in the way they smile or gesture with their hands when they talk. I found this personal touch to each character very entertaining.

To be honest, there were times in playing the game where I felt a bit motion sick.

Which has never happened to me while playing a third-person game before. A lot of missions involve crawling into small spaces which causes the camera to get jerky, climbing stairs is also an issue since the entire screen tends to shake with your movement.

There were some missions that felt too repetitive, especially the zombie house of horrors in Downtown L.A (mission given either in The Last Round or by the Tremere regent.) as well as the final mission in taking out the Sabbat and Tzimisze.

Overall, the game feels like it was made perfectly to play with a Malkavian. Each NPC has a different set of things to say to a Malkavian as opposed to any of the other clans (which makes sense but it would have been nice to have something personal with each character.) Some missions also feel like they were designed with Malkavian abilities in mind, i.e the Elizabeth Anne mission since a Malkavian is about the only one who couldn't get caught and avoid a bloodbath.

I wouldn't say that Bloodlines is better than Redemption, I found that I enjoyed the first game so much more since story is one of the most important factors in playing a game to me, but Bloodlines was fun and strangely addictive in its own right. And it has one of the best opening scenes ever!

IH

Gaming

Have Faith

I don’t think i can convey in words just how great this game is. Sure, i can tell you what it’s about. I can tell you about a story, about the characters. But, that’s not why you will play this particular game.

No. You’ll play this game, because it’s a real game. Because for once, the cinematics, the silly videos you get to watch now and again, feel really redundant and in the way.

This is a game for gamers.

Those gamers the corporate world seem to have forgotten about.

Those gamers that grew up playing Megaman and Castlevania on the NES. Those gamers that remeber what the term gaming means,

Mirrors Mirrors Mirrors Mirrors Mirrors

Edge Edge Edge Edge Edge

is is is is is

incredible. inventive.

Creative Exciting the Bomb

Three words: First Person Parkour.

IH

Gaming

1.

Classic Game Time!

With Spoonful of Spooky!

Simple Series 2000 volume 10:

Sakigake!! Otokojuku: The Dodge Ball.

(PSX)

I just checked my list, I’m supposed to do something about classic gaming? Not too sure what, but I ain’t gonna ask either.

This way, I get to do what I wanna do. So, Instead of doing something that’s considered a classic or alternatively a retro game.

(Guys, please, don’t ask me to do a Ps2 game, don’t go, dude, I remember playing God of War as a kid and I loved it? I fucking played on a DOS system as a kid, freakin' Civilization 1 and side scrawling arcade games like GODS: Enter the Wonderful, Lemmings and shit like that. Now you wanna come here with God of War. Jesus. Try playing something from the 90s, try Ps1 games, with its terrible fucking voxel graphics that needed to cheat with light and fog to hide how ugly it was. Gimme SNES any day, or even better a Genesis game.

Now, so, yes. I’ve decided I’ll use this section, if it happens to be a regular one, to look at obscure or forgotten gems or sometimes turds from the past.

Now instead of boring you with the games I’ll be looking at, I’ll jump right into a ps1 game, that’s based on an anime no doubt. And one of my favourite fuckin' anime’s to boot.

SAKIGAKE!! OTOKOJUKU, which loosely translates as.

“If you lack a penis watch this and you will gain one.”

It’s a brilliantly funny anime full of great 80s music and manly men.

Now, this game.

You’d think given the content of this show, you’d be playing a beat-em-up like for example Final Fight or Streets of Rage. There is one one the NES, which I really didn’t like, cause what? This happens to be a dodge ball game. Extreme dodge ball cause you throw a medieval weapon around. One of those spiked balls you usually find hanging from a chain.

Now then, I’m going to play it For a bit and then get back to you. Yosh!

Alright, So the game starts, and, it’s all in fucking Japanese (What did I expect lol?) Luckily Otokojuku is known for its hilarious incorporation of English words. So, sometimes, Edajima

Heihachi (Read: I AM PRINCIPAL OF OTOKUJUKU, EDAJIMA HEIHACHI!!) Will call out (That’s what he does.)

English terms on the menu. But, it’s not that hard to figure out. So, you either choose Story Mode. 1P vs 2p and then 1p vs Computer. There's also an Options, but since I don't read Japanese, I can't tell you what the hell it says. So, choose 1p vs Computer, first! Why? Because, you'll probably fail right out in story mode, cause this game’s quite hard. Note:

Remember Circle (O) is X in Japanese games. Lol. I know. The fun doesn't stop here, wait until you begin to play the game.

Train first grasshopper then scale the hairy mountain of youth.

So. You can choose a team of four on each side. All of the most well known characters are here. I'd have liked some of Momo's other friends like Tazawa, Matsuo and Hide Maro, but Togashi and J are both present.

Another cool enemy is of course, the Head of the Second Years, Akashi Gouji.

Whom like all of the others, once you've beaten him, is usable for your own team. Hopefully there's more to unlock as the game progresses. Edajima himself looks like one of the very last characters you can unlock.

Okay so choose your team. Remember, keep pressing circle to affirm your choices. Great. Choose your enemy team. Right.

Edajima, affirms and off you go.

First thing you notice are the sweet Graphics. This is one of the very last psx games. And its sprite based. I just love how good it all looks. ( And that sweet sweet rock music. XD) So, the buzzer sounds. And you're off.

First thing you try and do is walk. Shit, it's reversed right? Yeah, I kept failing because of this. Now, luckily I'm using an emulator so I just switched the controls around in the options and wala, it was fixed. (Lol I first tried to stick it out but just said fuck it eventually.)

Now for the keys: /\: Attacks (yes, this is a manly game after all, swords, fists, kicks you name it.)

O: Passes to the guards at the ends of the enemy's side. / Dodges. []: Throws / Catch X: Jumps You can do specials, but I still have no idea how to execute them, even after finishing story mode just now. I think I may have done Togashi's special by accident but only once. I watched a video on youtube by Psychootaku and JewWario where they play the game. JewWario said that in order to execute these abilities you have to power up. You power up by catching the ball as it's thrown at you, you build an aura. Green, Yellow and Red (got that from the video lol) I've gotten all those but still, you probably have to input a series of consecutive buttons to be able to pull them off.

Each aura linked to a different ability.

Tip: If your opponent comes close to the middle, rush him and use the attack button.

You will catch the ball and then your opponent will fly. Throw the ball immediately as soon as your opponent is near the ground or on it.

Instant hit. Doesn't always work, as they sometimes counter and then you fly, but its an easy way to get through a level real quick if you struggle with the abilities.

Story Mode:

Story mode is basically like 1p vs Computer, but as you progress through the story, you face different opponents and unlock new characters as you defeat them. The courts and area's never really change, just the players, which might put off some gamers. But, this is a budget release, so you cannot really complain.

The level of difficulty is really high. Expect your thumbs to hurt after each level, especially your right thumb, your left as well if you aren't using the analogue sticks like I did. Expect to loose a lot at first. Like I said it's pretty unforgiving.

But, what's really cool about this game is, there's practically 0 loading time. As soon as your opponent boasts that you are not his match or whatever, you can press O and then it will go straight to a little menu. Press O again and the screen goes black for like a second and then you are back in the game. I've lost, pressed O 3 times, lost again and then done the same all under a few seconds. This is great for those of us that get frustrated easily. Plus, for strategists and the like.

So. What do I think of this game upon completing the story mode?

(Read: I AM PRINCIPAL OF OTOKUJUKU, EDAJIMA HEIHACHI!!)

It's all Japanese, but I can only guess that Edajima Heihachi

decided to have a manly contest of dodge ball, Otokojuku's speciality, of course. Oh yeah, Where the heck is Onibaka? lol It's a fun game. It's got a multiplayer option, so its a great party game once you figure everything out. So far, out of all the Sakigake!! Otokojuku games I've played, this one feels the most like the source material. I'm looking forward to the PS3 version, which came out earlier this year, and it looks epic.

Now! Brush up on your manlyness! The springtime of youth is upon us!

Yours, Spooky!

Note: This game does seem to have an ENGLISH font set.

So, go for it if you wanna.

IH

Gaming

NEXT:

Skyrim Mod of the Month By: Reikyuubi

Skyrim Mod of the By:Month Reikyuubi Last issue, Ichigeki featured the Dragon Combat Overhaul mod and it got me thinking….the greatest thing about that mod is that it made combat with dragons more realistic, added that element of awe, that “OMG I'm facing a dragon” feeling and really pulls you into the battle! So I made it my goal to find mods that immerse players in the game and boy, have I found 2 gems!

This issue's Mod of the Month is tied by these 2 awesome mods: Immersive Armours by Hothtrooper44 and, Immersive Weapons by Ironman5000, Eckss and Hothtrooper44.

I personally found that Skyrim seemed very limited when it came to weapons and armour, sure there are a few variants but these are mainly based on the material type and are not unique item sets. Once you got your Daedric items you could basically give up on finding better armour/weapons as there wasn't anything more powerful or badass looking. These mods look to change that!

So let me ask you this.…

Have you ever wanted to be a terrifying Ogre barbarian wielding a hammer carved from the bones of your enemies, a beautiful Nord huntress stalking your prey with her mighty spear or even a baddass, duel wielding samurai ready to strike down your foes to preserve the honour of your family? If you answer is hell yes then these mods are for you! They add over 55 new armour sets, 396 new shields, a large number of misc accessories and a whopping 224 new weapons to the game, all of which are Lore friendly and tie seamlessly into the Elder Scrolls Universe.

All weapons and armour are craftable, upgradable, enchantable and can be acquired in various shops, dungeons, quest rewards or even given to specific people all over Skyrim to make your gaming experience that more in-depth. Another awesome feature is the armour sets work on levelled lists, meaning the armour you find at level 20 will be completely different to the armours you will find at level 50!

The latest version of the immersive armours mod also comes with a MCM menu so that you can customise your immersive experience! In this menu all armour sets in the game are listed, allowing you to toggle whether they appear at vendors, on enemies or at the forge. To use this menu you will require the SKSE mod. For those of you who don't have SKSE this mod can also be accessed via a spell in your inventory.

One of my favourite new armours that I crafted was the Alduin Scale armour! I mean, who wouldn't want to wear armour made from the most powerful terrifying dragon ever to enter Skyrim?!

I highly recommend downloading these mods and using them together for the ultimate dragon slaying adventure! Even NPC's prefer them ;) Peace out until next issue!

Reikyuubi

Comics MANGA, GRAPHIC NOVELS

THIS IS A CANDY COVER. WHEN YOU SEE ONE

OF THESE SWEET COVERS

LET ME TELL YOU.

YOU’RE IN FOR ONE HELL OF A TREAT!

Candy is a Premiere Comic Book Anthology Magazine.

And is set to take South Africa by storm in 2015!

What can you expect from this Magazine?

Only the best of the best that South-Africa has to offer in this untapped field from red hot rising talents like Joshua Klein, Pako Mekute, Bill Masuku, Llwellyn Breda and JGL Nieuwoudt II, Spooky himself, you can only imagine what the future holds for Candy! Exciting indeed!

Where will we be able to find our fix?

We are looking at all the major comic book outlets as well as a couple of well known book stores.

It will also be availably 24/7 online in Digital Formats.

Which genre’s will Candy represent?

Candy, for the time being will be representing the greatest that South-Africa has to offer.

From the neon Sci-Fi action that lights up the pages of Pako’s Grid Locked to the Historical Adventure that blazes its trails in Kommando Jan!

In what Languages will Candy be available in?

Candy’s primary language will be English. English being the most accessible language under the sun.

That said, we hope to have it available in French, Dutch, German and Japanese as well and as soon as it is possible.

I see that Kommando Jan is in Afrikaans, will we be seeing any other of the eleven official languages represented in the pages of Candy?

We sure hope so! I’ve always been very keen on doing comics in Afrikaans. I’m sure we’ll have Zulu comics in no time!

Will Candy be available in full color?

Not at the beginning, no.

Its cover will be in color though! If the original chapter happens to be in color, it will probably be reprinted as such in the collected editions.

What about Manga? Will some of Candyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s pages be read backwards?

Yes, yes it will!

Can we have a little preview of whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s to come?

Why not?

IH

C, M, GN

The Promise Trilogy is a series of comics released after Avatar: The Last Airbender and is for all intents and purposes, considered canon.

One big thing is that it starts off right after the end of Book 3 and then a time skip follows. The main thing about The Promise is that it centres around Zuko as the Fire Lord and Aang in an official Avatar capacity, as well as his (creepy) romance with Katara. (Yes, I ship Zutara. Yes, I am aware that it didn't happen. Leave me alone, alright.)

In The Promise, Zuko fears becoming his father, Ozai, and asks Aang to promise him, that should he ever turn into the Fatherlord, Aang would end him. Of course, the fear itself is enough to eventually make Zuko crazy.

There is also rising tensions between the Earth and Fire Kingdoms, in this tentative time of peace. The Earth King, finally standing up for himself and his people, demands that the Fire Nation remove their colonies from within the Earth Kingdom territories. Zuko agrees at first, wanting

Nothing but peace, but he eventually learns what goes on in the colonies that both Fire and Earth people have made it their homes and once words spread about the destruction, rebellion followed. Zuko eventually changes his mind and Aang must face the promise he made and decide if he can actually kill his best friend.

Throughout this, Zuko continually visits Ozai, speaking to him of the treaties and his mother.

I really enjoyed this because I feel that the show left many unanswered questions, which have yet to be answered in Korra, and is now it seems solely focusing on its own story, so I really doubt many questions will be answered and they'll probably follow it up with another comic book series.

The Promise should definitely be an entertaining read for all A:TLA fans. I didn't really like the art, I understand the characters have to look older, but they seem very different in style from the show. The only character who looks even remotely the same to me was Toph.

Avatar: The Last Airbender The Promise Trilogy Review BY Zana-Lee

The comic did do a really good job of keeping the comedy aspects intact as well as capturing each characters individual personality traits, though I did feel that Katara (who was always so motherly and independent) got smothered by all the honey-boo romance scenes. Toph had it right gag worthy, really.

The Promise is followed by The Search, also a trilogy, in which Zuko and Aang go in search of hopefully, Zuko's mother. Watch this space for a review on that in a later issue.

Look out for The Search Trilogyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s review!

Coming Soon

IH

C, M, GN

Spookyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s

Getting into comics!

The easy peasy way!

Part 2:

The independent Market has been around since the beginning but only started gaining any kind of momentum in the 80's with the graphic novel boom and with the black and white scene. The most successful of these pioneers if you will are Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman. The creative force behind the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. If you were a kid in the 90's you know who the turtles are. And I guess the 2000's as well with the two other animated shows. So, I've mentioned those artists that ushered in the Chromium Age right, and that they left to start up Image Comics.

Well, start up they did, and a whole lot of them got rich from it as well.

This was unheard of at the time. You don't just tell one of the big two to go screw themselves. People who did that in the past ended up in obscurity. Not these guys, Rob Liefeld dropped a bomb with Youngblood issue 1. Outselling even the Marvel and DC titles at the time, setting another record as he did with X-Force 1. But, as it is with independent books, deadlines are just words on a page. So it was sometimes months in between issues before another would follow, they'd still sell though so it wasn't all that bad. But, because of what those outlaw Artists did back then we have things like The Walking Dead, Spawn, Prophet and Saga.

And we all know why we love dem indies right? Cause they're nothing like the big two. No baggage, no moronic soap opera plot lines and they are closer to the European scene than anything else America is currently giving birth to today.

Yep, so instead of going through everything ever published independently, I'll tell you how to collect them because some of these titles are getting TV Shows of their own soon so.

As with The Walking Dead, the best way to get a hold of your favorite indies is by either getting the trades or if you want to see another issue, go to your nearest comic shop and ask for you favorite indie. And then get your friends to buy it as well. Because the more it sells the better the chances are of collections, television deals and films and video games being made of these properties.

Here in South-Africa its harder to get your hands on these issues, because most comic shops only cater for the Mainstream, but, there are some like Readersden and Smallville Comics (that I know off.) that does stock some indies. Heck as far as I know, Readersden gets everything that comes out. Even the European stuff nobody else gets. Which is really fuckin impressive.

Also most are available on Comixology!

Take Heed: There's nothing fucking badass about pirating an indie, in fact itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s motherfuckin redundant and completely otherwise to do that, especially since the founders of Image broke away from one of the largest comic book publishers to form a rebellion. So get your fucking act together, these guys only get what they sell, so you are literally taking food out of their mouths.

That's right, I went there.

Other Publishers to keep an eye out for: Dark Horse (Buffy, Mask, Aliens and Angel.) and IDW (They have all the TV stuff like True Blood, Transformers and so on plus JUDGE DREDD!)

Next: MANGA!

IH

C, M, GN

Batman and Red Hood: Shattered by Rage Review BY Zana-Lee This comic book is one of the more emotion driven ones, and I guess that's why I loved it so much. A lot of dialogue, emotional confrontations and action. Batman and Robin #20 features Jason Todd AKA Red Hood. He invites Jason to Ethiopia to deal with a group of snipers, but the question is, does Batman have an ulterior motive?

The comic takes place after Damian's fate and right off the start you can see that Bruce isn't doing well. Richards and Gleeson really do an amazing job at portraying just how raw Bruce Wayne still is over his son's death.

While writer, Peter J. Tomasi really does an astounding job driving the emotion home. The past issues have really shown all Batman has been through and how he was holding (barely) together and to see him finally lashing out, so vulnerably about how Damian deserved to grow up is really what made this one of my favorite issues.

As a fan of Jason, I have to say that I really enjoyed how they also gave him the credit he deserved in this issue. The focus wasn't sorely on Batman's anguish over losing Damian, but also on Jason's feelings of anger and betrayal as well as a much needed confrontation between the two, again focusing on Jason's feelings about how he still feels unimportant in Batman's eyes.

Usually there is a cler line between the two who you feel deserves your support. But not in this issue. The lines become blurred and the tension is filled with their emotion and anguish. And how do men deal with that? By beating each other up.

It was great to see Jason finally standing up though, and being the better man and walking away. It really showed maturity from his usual anger.

I really enjoy it when comics take an issue to focusing more on the character relationship than the bigger picture (just for an issue or two) and I would definitely recommend this to any Batman-fan. It inspires some serious feels.

IH

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To be continued in the next issue of Ichigeki Hissatsu

IH

Competition

o t t n a W

n w o

o c a

f o py

?

Y T I N U AC

Lucky for you,

Ichigeki Hissatsu is giving a copy away FOR FREE! How to enter: 1. You have to like the Ichigeki Hissatsu page on Facebook: www.fb.com/IHmagazine 2. Note that the copy we are giving away is for the PC version.

3. Simply share and then comment on the competition post and tell us your favorite article from this issue. You have to do both!

4. Names will be drawn at random and will be on video for a legit experience! ...And its that easy!

IH

Cosplay Interview

In Conversation With: Jayde Wentzel & Tiffany Jade Hoon

Reikyuubi Cosplay - Sanji of One Piece

A minor exert from our conversation:

I asked Jayde about his favourite adult mod for Skyrim. I told him that mine is the one where you enslave people.

Jayde: So, uhm, your preference, your preference would be to enslave guys and get them to strip, if I am correct?

Spooky: Yeah, and perform auto fellatio on themselves...

Jayde : Aaah, okay. That's awesome. You and Tiffany would get on very well then (heavy breathing.)

Spooky: Yeah-Yeah, its the Yaoi Fan Club right?

Jayde: ya, I actually don't know, I don't knowTiffany: (something, mumbling) Yuri Fun Club.

Jayde: The Yuri Fun club. I'm not part of the Yaoi Fan Club at all. (breathing, awkward laughter.) like, yeah something, that, like, I went, online to read a manga. Like, fan fiction manga, and there was this manga of Naruto and Sasuke (very English pronunciation.) like, with boxing gloves, and I'm like ahh, this looks pretty cool. And I opened it, and it panned out to be, uhm (most awkward uhm I've ever heard in my life.) really, hectic yaoi. Stuff, that I, would, n..never want anyone to see...*Super Serious pause* Tiffany: Rolene sent me a link to One Direction yaoi.

Jayde: Oh, I read about that, that sounds awful.(muffled laughter, more breathing.)

Spooky: One Direction featuring Micheal Jackson.

Jayde: Oh no, oh no, no, that's awful (disgusted laughter.)

Tiffany: Laughing.

Jayde: jeez. This conversation got very dark, Like, we were going in like, a shady directionTiffany: When is the cosplay part, like I'm-â&#x20AC;?

Spooky: I'm working around that.

Jayde: He's easing us into it.

Reikyuubi Cosplay Tobi of Naruto

S: Do you have deep seated fantasies of masculinity, and I went all psychological don't think she quite understood what I was going for there, but, I'm trying to steer away from those kinds of questions, but, with Tiffany I can can ask any psychological question that I like and she'll probably answer me back with another question.

J: If she's paying attention.

J: If she's paying attention.

Tiffany's playing a game, League of Legends if I'm not mistaken.

T: Anyway I'll make things more awkward for you.

J: Yes do it, I'd actually love to see her answer that.

S: Okay, I'll try and find it quickly, why don't you go on with that Cosplay thing we were talking about earlier?

J: Yes, We were, Tiffany, Kobus and I were having a conversation earlier I actually started rambling off, uh, I don't know I got very talkative and we were chatting about the cosplay community as a whole.

And, the actual amount of drama that surrounds the cosplay community.

T: Oh, jeez, like I've left the cosplay community drama far, far, far behind.

J: Yes. But like I waT: Like -Bleeped Out.- . I just, stopped talking to her. I literally, banned her. Anyway, go on.

J: Yeah, like. Yeah, I was just teling Kobus that you wouldn't believe that, you wouldn't think that a community like the cosplay community would have so much drama. And likeT: Actually I think its pretty normal, like, in my mind you're cosplaying cause you want attention and you want to have attention to you. And like generally, the people who want attention are like, drama queens. Which makes kind of sense.

J: If you look at it from that perspective, that actually makes a lot more sense. Uhm, but like when I first started cosplaying, I started cosplaying about two years ago was my first cosplay. And in my first year of cosplaying, there was not a single drop of drama at all, like it was so awesome, like the community was nice, everyone was so happy and then we hit rAge last year and since then, shit has just hit the fan.

T: Yeah, I dunno, people like -bleeped- don't have too much drama and uhmJ: Oh no, -bleeped- , has a lot of drama T: Yeah, but I stay out of it she doesn't force it down my throat J: Oh, okay yes, okay, now you get the people who don't force their drama on you, or, and then you get the people that just drag everyone in.

J: Hmm, ja, okay, yes.

T: But, -bleeped- , I don't like her, let's just get that straight.

J: Yeah, she's had a run in with a lot of cosplayers that caused issues.

T: Yeah but my huge thing with her is, if the drama and bitchiness is following you that's probably your own fault.

J: Yeah, that makes sense. (Is Kobus here?) 28:36 J: Oh Tiffany, I've got a question for you, who would you reckon are the cosplay elitists in the cosplay community?

T: Me?!

J: Yeah, from your perspective.

T: -bleeped-, J: If I'm not mistaken, -bleeped- does all the Star Wars cosplays, am I correct?

T: Ja, she's an elitist as in like, the things that set of her fight with me was she was being a bitch with someone that wants to dress slutilly, but was afraid of the attention she'd get, she did this whole thing about â&#x20AC;&#x153;Oh it's fine you're too ugly to get any attentionâ&#x20AC;? which got me into trouble cause I was well if your boobs are on display, you're gonna to get attention. So I was apparently promoting sexual harassment.

J: Yes, which sort of comes down to the whole argument which is in society-

Look, I'm going to stop here. And I'll tell you why. I hate sensationalizing things at the expense of others, whilst following the Oscar Pistorious Trial and witnessing to what lengths the media would go to sell their publications, I just, I just cannot. The very first time I took offense was when The Legendary (for various reasons, good and bad I'm afraid.) weekly publication, Die Huisgenoot, did the whole “HELL HOUSE” thing or house of hell. That was at the very beginning, from there on out it got only worse. From click baiting for dead children to much worse. I don't like that side of the business. And to that end, for my own sake as a man, I cannot continue with this. I can tell you why. Names were named, too much in fact to do this piece any justice in print. Things were said that could get court orders up in here, bad things. Now, I went back to the interviewees more than once and I asked, “Are you guys sure about this, I mean, this is pretty bad.” and they assured me it was fine, that they didn't care. But I care, and even though this could get us a few likes, a few reads, this won't be the magazine where we bait likes out of misery.

Signed Jacobus Gideon Louis Nieuwoudt Feature Writer/ Editor/ Publisher IH Kimmie Kriel

Reikyuubi Cosplay Tobi of Naruto

TV, Music, Movies

IH

Tv, Movies, Music

?

W O H S V T

BY Zana-Lee

Yes, you read right. Constantin announced that they are rebooting the movie and making a The Mortal Instruments TV Show.

The Mortal Instruments is a fantasy book series written by Cassandra Clare and was made into a movie that released in 2013, and ultimately, tanked at the box office.

Constantin TV Head, Martin Moszkowicz told The Hollywood Reporter that they are pursuing the project. “It actually makes sense to do [the novels] as a TV series. There was so much from the book that we had to leave out of ‘The Mortal Instruments’ film. In the series we’ll be able to go deeper and explore this world in greater detail and depth.”

‘Helix’ showrunner, Ed Decter, is said to be developing the fantasy franchise for the small screen. The show is set to be a high-end drama, said to be beginning production next year.

A big question among fans is whether the cast will return. The most likely answer is no. Its safe to assume that they will most likely be starting from scratch. Some of the original cast may want to participate and some may not.

Can you really see Lena Heady dropping Game of Thrones (one of the, if not the most successful show on TV) to do The Mortal Instruments. Personally, I wouldn’t mind Jace (Jamie Campbell Bower), Simon (Robert Sheehan) and Isabelle (Jemima West) returning. I’m definitely hoping they get another Clary, simply because I felt that Lily Collin’s performance wasn’t believable in the least. My favorite movie performance has to go to Robert Sheehan, who was amazing as Simon.

It will also be safe to assume that they’re scrapping the entire movie and starting over completely. Just to make a clean break so it wouldn’t be confusing for those who haven’t seen the movie.

The Hollywood Reporter said that they show will be a ‘high-end drama series’. Which definitely points to more premium channels such as The CW, Starz and HBO. All of whom have had big hits on book-to-screeen adaptions.

I wouldn’t be at all bothered if MTV decided to pick up the show either, if Teen Wolf is anything to go by.

Lastly, fans have also been asking about what will happen to The Infernal Devices. We do know that Constantin also owns the film rights to TID. They were supposed to be adapted into movies, but were put on hold after TMI bombed.

We could be looking at a spin-off series, or alternatively, if the TV show does good, TID might still see the big screen.

I, for one, am extremely excited about this TV show! Can’t wait!

Stay tuned, Ichigeki Hissatsu will be bringing you all the news!

IH

Tv, Movies, Music Amethyst Amelia Kelly is an Australian-born rapper known as Iggy Azalea. Born in 1990 (age 24), she moved to the US when she was sixteen to pursue a career in music. She first gained attention in 2011 when her songs 'Pu$$y' and 'Two Times' went viral on YouTube. She later aligned herself with rapper T.I and went on the release her first studio album in April of this year titled: The New Classic.

Iggy

BY Zana-Lee

After being criticized for the name of her album, Azalea explained, â&#x20AC;&#x153;When I say The New Classic, I just want to make records that give you that moment for fans that they can remember where they were when they heard it.â&#x20AC;?

Her album was preceded by four singles: Work, Bounce, Change Your Life (featuring T.I), and Fancy (featuring Charli XCX). Fancy (which is possibly the biggest hit of the year) went to #1 on the Billboard Hot 100, with Iggy Azalea becoming to only female rapper to ever hit the Top 100.

a e l a Az

The album received mixed reviews in an either love it or hate it consensus. It is often referred to as the dead weight surrounding 'Fancy'. In my opinion, it produced some pretty decent songs, other than those already released. New Bitch and Rolex really stood out for me. The album altogether gives a sound and style unique to what you would expect from Iggy Azalea. Her rap style, which sounds entirely not-Australian and more like a rapper from the South of America, might annoy some (like fans of general female rap i.e Nicky Minaj and Lil Kim) but it is something that defines Iggy Azalea and allows her to stand above the rest. Iggy's raps may be personal on some level while generalizing to a relatable audience, there is definitely meaning behind her words. Whereas Nicky Minaj tends to be all over the place, her raps seem to be about anything and everything and most of the time seems to make no sense.

The album was produced by T.I and you can definitely pick up his influence in the music & lyrics.

Originally, Black Widow (the album version) had Iggy singing alone, the radio version was redone to feature UK star, Rita Ora. The album was definitely a hit with me, with favourite songs including Black Widow, Work, Change Your Life and Fancy.

IH

Tv, Movies, Music

Review As a fan of Batman's Robins in general, I was really excited to see this movie and it didn't disappoint.

Batman faces his ultimate challenge when a mysterious new character takes Gotham by storm. A new enemy who knows all of Batman's moves before he even makes them.

Perfect pacing. Action and story mingled perfectly, enough to keep you on the edge of you seat. Spectacular fight scenes and a well-balanced blend of overall emotions and considering this story, you can expect a lot.

Jason Todd, the second Robin, is well-known for being murdered by The Joker. With a crowbar. In some warehouse in Ethiopia. This movie takes everything you loved about Bruce Timm's animated series and turns it into a blockbuster. With the perfect balance of drama, violence and characterization, with a result that is bound to please fans of the comic book and others in general. The movie also features an all-star cast with fan-favorite Jensen Ackels as Red Hood and Neil Patrick Harris As Nightwing.

BY Zana-Lee

Overall, I was impressed by the animation, but there was an overuse of CGI (that wasn't uncommon at the time) that had me a bit disappointed.

It is also important to note that this film isn't exactly suitable for children, since the opening scene shows Joker beating Robin with a crowbar and blowing him up (which very obviously killed him). The movie also showcases some pretty epic fight scenes (coupled with some drama and some more Tortured Batman over Jason's death), including Batman and Red Hood fighting some cyber-kinetic Bounty Hunters and some epic chases where Nightwing joing Bats to chase down the mysterious Red Hood.

The most impressive thing in the movie was without a doubt the ultimate showdown between Batman, Red Hood and The Joker. It really brought together the wonderful voice cast and the emotions that the scene was supposed to convey, with Jason begging an answer from Batman as to why he never avenged him. Batman's answer was emotional, dramatic and definitely summarizes his character perfectly.

This film is a must watch for any Batman fan, and dare I say, more entertaining than Son of Batman to varying degrees.

1 Nov

Movies Coming Soon

Postman Pat 3D/2D A Walk Among Tombstones Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day Fed Up Horns Oculus 7 Nov Blood Ties Get On Up Interstellar IMAX/2D The Good Lie The Prince What If? 14 Nov Tarzan 3D/2D Dumb and Dumber Too Kite Laggies The Drop The Signal When the Game Stands Tall 20 Nov THE HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINGJAY PART 1 21 Nov No Good Deed Reach Me The Grand Seduction The Humbling 28 Nov Boxtrolls Horrible Bosses 2 The Penguins of Madagascar IMAX/3D Leading Lady Spud 3: Learning to Fly The Longest Week The Skeleton Twins

IH

Tv, Movies, Music Book to screen adaptions have been around for a long time, be it on TV or in movies. The last few years have seen a significant rise to this number. With TV showrunners like Game of Thrones and The 100 and movie empires including the likes of The Lord of the Rings / The Hobbit, The Hunger Games and Harry Potter it's no wonder that these are huge money-makers.

Book to Film Adaptions

Anything from books to comic books and even games can be turned into a screenplay for a movie or television show these days. Even though books have always made great screen adaptions (Pride and Prejudice / Dracula) I think it's easy to see that today the main movie franchise has a great focus on the Young Adult circle. This is hugely thanks to Twilight's enormous

BY Zana-Lee

and unexpected success. Upon its release, Twilight was something new and so different (many of us couldn't have known just how different) that the public immediately latched onto it. The first movie was good in the sense of the feeling and setting they were going for. The cold hues and dark moments. And except for the main difference in Stephanie Meyer's vampires, it did feel like a vampire movie. From the second movie, it was much less that but true fans were already hooked by that point.

Of course, not forgetting the one that came first Harry Potter. Which, although was aimed at the Young Adult group, had fans spanning all ages and completely broke free of the confines of YA, where it went up against bigger rivals The Lord of the Rings movies (which is also an impossibly successful book movie franchise thanks to J.R.R Tolkien and Peter Jackson).

Twilight's success sparked a Young Adult (and vampire) uphill trend that lasted for quite some time. The Vampire Diaries followed on the small screen and is still going today with a strong fanbase. Many Young Adult movies followed Twilight, to smaller success. Beautiful Creatures, Vampire Academy and The Mortal Instruments just to name a few.

Not to mention the classics that have been adapted today including Great Expectations by Charles Dickens, The Great Gatsby by F.Scott Fitzgerald and even Les Miserables. And interesting fact is that the Die Hard movies were also adapted from books titled Nothing Lasts Forever and The Detective

by Roderick Thorp. As were the popular movie series The Planet of the Apes.

We also have some huge movies that were adapted from books (that you may have heard your parents mention). Lolita, Vladimir Nabokov's 'beyond the pale' novel that sparked controversy and pressure from various religious groups. Brokeback Mountain (not much to say about this it's pretty straight forward) and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

In my opinion Stephen King must be one of the biggest names in book to film adaptions, seeing most of his work turned into movies, mini series or tv shows including the latest one titled Under the Dome.

Yet, as some of this are award-winning classics, its also important to point out that these adaptions are serious money makers for the movie industry. With The Chronicles of Narnia, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Forrest Gump, The Da Vinci Code, The Hunger Games, Marvel's Avengers and Harry Potter along with many other titles.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Avatar Titanic The Avengers Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 Frozen Iron Man 3 Transformers: Dark of the Moon The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King Skyfall The Dark Knight Rises

$2,787,965,087 $2,186,772,302 $1,518,594,910 $1,341,511,219 $1,275,772,511 $1,215,439,994 $1,123,794,079 $1,119,929,521 $1,108,561,013 $1,084,439,099

IH

Tv, Movies, Music

Voice Actor Spot!

BY Zana-Lee

Tara Strong Tara Strong Voice-Over Actress Date of Birth: Feb 12 1973 Most Popular Character: Bubbles - Powerpuff Girls

Tara Strong was born on February 12, 1973 and is a Canadian Voice Actress best known for her roles as, Ben 10, Timmy Turner and Harley Quinn. Her career began at the age of 4 when she volunteered to be a soloist in a school production. She then began acting in Yiddish Theater, and though she didn't speak any Yiddish, she memorized the lines phonetically. At thirteen she landed her first professional roll as Gracie in a theater production of The Music Man and it was in that same year that She managed to snag the title roll in Hello Kitty's Furry Tale, some of her most iconic rolls include: Kaya Princess Mononoke Dil Pickles Rugrats Bubbles Powerpuff Girls Batgirl Batman Beyond Raven Teen Titans Twilight Sparkle My Little Pony Actress Azula Avatar: The Last Airbender Serena Vampire: The Masquerade Redemption Rikku - Final Fantasy X Rachel Ninja Gaiden Blink X-Men Legends II: Rise of Apocalypse Paz Ortega Andrade Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker X-23 Marvel VS Capcom 3: Fate of Two Worlds Harley Quinn Batman: Arkham City Juliet Starling: Lollipop Chainsaw

IH

Tv, Movies, Music

Continued from previous issue.

Batman Begins (2005) Nolan Verse kicks off here. Is it good: Yes. Best part: The ending.

That Joker card sent me flying.

Catwoman (2004) What the shit?!

Superman Returns (2006) I moaned about this film when I was younger. But compared to Man of Steel, this is Schindlers List.

The Dark Knight (2008) This is what we waited 2 years for! Brilliant. Not very entertaining on repeat viewings though, best seen on big screen.

Watchmen (2009) I liked this movie a whole lot.

The communist bullshit aside, this was a good film.

Jonah Hex (2010) Yes, the only way to make Jonah Hex interesting is to give him supernatural powers, cause Westerns are out of fashion.

Yeah right, piece of crap. Could have been epic.

Green Lantern (2011) Haven't seen it.

The Dark Knight Rises (2012) Boring. Anti-Climatic compared to what preceded it. Lol at least we got that hilarious Bane dialog!

(That which was audible of course.)

Man of Steel (2013) Fuck this piece of shit movie.

Fuck it to hell. Boring. Tasteless.

Pointless. Failed as a Superman movie. The End.

(I've skipped the Vertigo films on purpose. Al though V for Vendetta was cool. Constantine, enjoyable for what it was, but they messed with the character to much. Wait for the series. Also: watch Red and Red 2. And League of Extraordinary Gentlemen!)

This is my list then:

1.

3.

2.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

In that order.

Fin.

IH

Spooky Writes

Spooky Writes: (New title here.)

You know, (When you start a piece off like that you know something is about to go down.)

I've started watching Supernatural recently. That show on CW, that used to be on the WB. Basically The X-Files for teenagers with all of the aliens cut out.

Well, I might be stretching it a little. It's a good show. It has everything a hotblooded male could ask for. Cars, babes, very good music, epic manly heroes and all the other goodies you find in your garden variety action blockbuster (with vampires and ghosts and shit.)

But, yeah here's the but. For every hotblooded male there are two to three swooning teeny boppers just waiting to defile your unholy heavy metal sanctum of awesomeness.

We all know this. And nothing makes a dude more uncomfortable than hearing a pre-teen girl foaming at the mouth for one of your favorite manly characters. They have posters against their walls, they have the t-shirts...they add the Winchester surname to their names when they day dream in class. Jesus Christ! That's off putting.

Okay, we aren't all that dumb you know.

We can see that these guys are particularly good examples to represent our masculinity and superior eyebrows, we get it! They get the girls, and the hot ones at that, so yeah, we get it.

To be honest, I guess its fine if you keep that shit to yourself, you know, behind closed doors. Inside of your closet, locks of hair, fuckin blood in a vial, sperm on ice, that kind of shit. But, when it starts infecting the sites we frequent you gotta know its enough to make us stop watching.

Well, not really.

Go onto Youtube, and search for anything Supernatural, and you'll get things like: Winchesterfangurl52: “Oh lord, the way Jared bites his lower lip. That you JESAS!” or LadyGagaFanJJSt33l: “How cute is DEAN! I just love it when he stuffs his face like that!”

Now, I guess I can kinda stomach that shit.

But when you read shit like this: Bornthiswayheyheyhey: “OMG! They like make the cutest couple! Sam and Dean should have babies!”

Dude, look, I know its cool to be gay these days, but I think we are still a ways a away from accepting incestuous relationships, okay. I mean, I know its coming, we all do, 20 years ago nobody thought that gays would be able to marry, not to mention in a church. But they are. All the time! There might even be a newly wed couple living right next door to you as we speak! It's 2014 bro, like get over it.

Hey, in ten years time your local church might be marrying you off to your dog...and then, before you know it, I'll be dissed for thinking that shit is crazy as fuck and everybody will go, dude, it's 2024, like, like, like, get the fucks over it.

Hey, It's the world we live in.

So, where does a manly man stand in all of this?

Well, here's the secret nobody is telling you. The Supernatural team knows about all of this. And, they even endorse it.

Well, the female audience part, I don't think the other thing. I mean CW is liberal, but thats just pushing it.

And, this audience, these Selina Gomez, Demi Lovato, One Direction freaky freaks all obsess over this show, so much so, that they actually embrace the characters tastes as well.

So, Youtube A song that's been used on Supernatural. Now check the comments. That's right bitches! There's Gaga fans commenting on Foreigner songs. WTF! Lol that's a good thing.

Supernatural is one of the best things that could have happened to the Classic Rock scene in the last ten years.

Supernatural brought me here. Maybe there is hope after all.

Yeah, Yeah.

Spooky.

IH

Spooky’s World

Spooky’s World: The Pilot

Elaborate Cover: Take 1

Craig Tapes Volume 2

Ape Town Craig: Take 1

The hardest part to writing a story is always the beginning. In most cases you always start at the end. The part just before the credits roll, “fin” sliding onto the screen. I, I always start at the end.

When I know how something will end I can work out what will happen as it progresses to that fateful point. But, I always struggle with the start of things. It's like Jem said in the Pebbles from Heaven book. “I head for the door. I'm telling this story before it's even begun. Shit, I guess it is because I want to write the ending.” No surprises.

Always in control.

Guess, if I had to try real hard, I'd say this story starts on an airplane. Coach of course, class has never really been a thing that's bothered me, in fact, the only reason I chose coach is because it's the cheapest, I do regret that decision now more than anything thus far. Luckily the fat man next to me is asleep, so I don't have to make conversation with him. If you hadn't noticed by now, I'm not much of a peoples person. For obvious reasons. If I have to talk to somebody, I'll talk to myself. Is that crazy? I wonder now? Maybe it is.

This way, I know the conversation will be meaningful. Ah, there it is again, control.

I don't do things for no reason, I like to think that I'm not as irrational as people make me out to be.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only one listening, sometimes I feel that they don't deserve to be heard, but it’s not like I can just turn them down, its not like I care to listen, but I do, and that's what makes it so sad.

So, I'm on a flight. Yes. Look, I'm going to fill the blanks in for you guys, it’s just that I think it’s rude interrupting someone, whilst they are already in a conversation. You interrupting me it is. Anyway, you've done it, no need to apologize. Like I said, can't help it.

Ion. The “FIN” to this story if you will.

So, the fat man next to me, with these awesome 70s prescription glasses, yeah the kind Christian Bale wore in American Hustle, you guys know what I mean. He tried to start a conversation earlier when I quickly intervened with a well sprinkled dose of sleeping pills. So I drugged him, sue me. But, I imagine if he had gotten the chance to he'd have started his sentence with, “Hi, you on your way to Cape Town?” and I'd have said, politely as possible of course. “The fuck you think? This bird landing anywhere else?” but then, of course he'd have asked “Business or Pleasure.” and I'd have said, “Neither.” you follow so far?

Why the hell would I want to go to Cape Town of all places. I'm more comfortable going to England than Cape Town. We left for a reason you know, and for some reason, my DNA, as deep as it may go, still says no. So. I'm not all to happy with this. So, it's under protest that I ascend on the Mother City.

Seems that Ichigeki Hissatsu, that's the mag I write for, doesn't take no for an answer. So, here I am. Strapped in, headphones snug in my hearing cavities, recepticales, if you will.

Keeping me sane as I slowly but surely feel my skin begin to crawl the closer we get to my destination.

Yes, as you can see, I'm writing this one as we go. Because. “Craig Scholtz” part 2. Wait a bit, I just got nudged by one of the sexy air hostesses, be right back...

"Yes, Natasha...”

“Sorry Sir?” she motions to her name badge her pale blue eyes seemingly having different intentions.

“Ah, Roxanne, sorry. I'm a little bit preoccupied.” I motion to the laptop on my, well, lap. My eyes, not so seemingly having all kinds of rather wild intentions.

“Sir, would you like anything to drink?”

“That depends?”

“On what?”

“If I'm to expect any turbulence.” her blue eyes disappear underneath a thick cloud of mascara, yeah, she wants me.

“Hmm, well sir. If you want, we could induct you into the 'Mile High Club', that way, turbulence would be só much more enjoyable.” Jesus fucking Christ! It's happening, and this time its not my imagination!

Okay, act cool, Spook, man.

“Yesss, I think that would be very appreciated.”

“Well, then sir, if you would follow me. We can, get right onto those forms...”

She winks and slowly turns around, shaking what her momma gave her all the way to the bathroom.

Shit. My heart is going berserk. Better check my fever, might be a hundred and three. Best way I could describe it is probably with One Way Out by The Allman Brothers.

If that makes any fucking sense. What should I do? I look down and notice Mister Fat Man, drooling all over his shoulder. Fuck it. If I'm going to Cape Town, I'm going there ejaculating into a hot air hostess! Wait for me honey!

Shit, he's in the fucking way.

“Hey, hey, asshole, o fok!” I've fallen on my face, it's cool bro, it's cool, act cool.

“Are you okay, man?”

“Ye, yeah. I'm okay.” Go! I start of walking, but pretty soon, I realize that I'm not a very patient man and I start to travel like a fuckin' blood hound. I wont say what it was that I've caught scent off, because, honestly, this is supposed to be a family magazine. Lol. I reach the mens room door, it says occupied, I knock.

“I'm busy...” it's her. I panic. “Without me?”

She changes the status and soon I'm in her arms. I shut the door behind me with my foot. It’s a stall. At least it doesn't smell.

“Hey baby.”

“Hey yourself.”

I pull her up she responds with her legs, which he wraps around my middle like one of ouma's koeksisters. I press on forward and she accidentally hits her head.

“Owie.” I say nothing, I just heal. “Mon cherie...”

“You, you speak french?”

"Mind if I call you Natasha?” she smiles.

“Parle moi!” I grab hold of her lips, and the scene fades to black...not really though...but really...I'm not responsible for the damages to the stall, no matter what the airline says.

Okay, so you guys wanna know what happened right? Well okay...

There we were, up against the bathroom stall wall. I was so taken by her beauty that my heart broke out in song. Earlier I was listening to Fleetwood Mac so I have no idea where this came from. I used my hand and I moved it all along her fishnet covered thigh. Her skirt slowly moving up her leg disappearing into the sky. Never by Moving Pictures starts playing in my head, which, I must confess, might just be the sexiest song ever written, especially in situations like these. She moans, her velvet lips breaking free from one another. I push myself up harder against her abdomen.

We make eye contact just as her body moves in conjunction with my own. I thrust, she exclaims. There's a fire on this plane this morning, and its threatening to burn the whole damn thing down.

“Kiss me!” she persists. I comply, by ravaging her neck, like a ravenous beast, like a vampire I run breathlessly after her heartbeat. “Natasha!” I moan and viciously tear open her blouse, buttons jumping free as her womanhood burst through the cracks. I push my face down into her bosom, her black lingery keeping me from the prize. Her hands grab hold of my back. I feel her fingers dragging all over my skin, gliding through the wetness, the rising heat, that she's set off within me. She yells again, as I thrust forward once more, invasion is what I aim to accomplish, lay siege to her castle, but the doors still need a little more persuading. My hands grab hold of her, as she lifts for one more go. Her lips touch my neck, my spine set alight by the thoughts she carries with it. My fingers jump to action, escaping to the canon doors, I have to attack, I cannot wait any more. But I am stopped as her arms open up and fold around my back pulling me close to the bosom, in which my head is submerged. Neat trick I think as my heartbeat kicks back in, how is this possible, but for another's affection, this I am feeling. “Jesus Christ.” I yell, as I turn to look, by my behest, another has taken me. Two, for me?

“Her name is Georgia,” “Dixie?”

“If you so please.” She commands.

My wildest fantasy, now turned to fears, Natasha, with her wild embrace has already set my engine to flood. I will not have the courage to take her friend, Dixie. But I must try. I think as Dixie's tongue slides up and down where Natasha's breath left an empty space. But then another's hands jump forth into the front, my trouser's slip down to my ankles , red nails grab hold where I thought I'd be first to the fight. “God Damn!” I think as three now desires where I only had plans for one. I have to act, I am a man, an as a man I must overcome, or come all over if I must. “Take me, my king.” Natasha's words leave me cold, I'll explode if I'm given the chance, I'd use my mouth, but that too was busy with another mouth. Dixie has sentiments as well, and the red nailed woman has gone for the gold, if she carries on like this her palm will bear witness to my children, I must flee, with my dignity still intact. I try to remove her hand, but the more I protest, the faster she navigates. Oh Lord, help me, this situation I find myself in has left me dire and in need, “No!” I yell and try to work myself up from a massacre, “Stop!” I say, but Natasha's lips yell mayday, “God Damn!” I cry, but she wont let me go, The red nailed woman has set me a flight, I shoot forward, hoping that she's wearing contraceptive because I am without. I push on through, as hard as I can, in her eyes you see how I flood her dam, Her walls have cracked and out comes the water, “Again.” she moans loudly into my left ear. “Again.” I push again, Dixie wants me next, but after Natasha, I should be layed to rest. I let my fists fly to the walls next to me, the passengers must think that they're going through turbulence, just as my heart, who has to make some very big decision. I've been cut in two, my manhood lost inside the woman in front of me, sucking me dry, like a vampire with no control, I punch again. This time breaking through the wall, If I must have this woman now, then let it be so. I grab back hold of Natasha, with my one hand, my other still stuck in the wall, I pull, but it won't come, so I forget about it and make my play, my stake is to high in this game to just give up and go away. I push on through again, I act myself like an outlaw, and ride away, Texas Rangers chasing me for criminal acts so despicable. They are looking to hang me by my neck, if I do not outrun then I will swing for my sins, and I cannot have that. So I push my horse harder, and I yell faster, and I feel its legs buckle, under my weight, as heavy as I am, along with my convictions, I will surely break this horses back.

Gunshots I hear, as they pass me with luck, their deep lawgiving fingers dig into the trigger as if their lives depended on it. What are my crimes I ask dearly, being a man she responds, in sighs and neighs as I near the clearing. There's no where to go, I exclaim, If I ride any further I will fall to my death. Its the bullets or the rope, I think, and take a step closer, to the point where, once I step over, I will never return. I see them riding up into the distance. No way this motherfucking outlaw will ride back on a lawman's horse. I die here, right now, by my own two hands. I take a run up not far from where I'll meet my end, dust kicks up and so does howl the wind. I stop. And I stare into the blue, heaven here I come, this one's for you. I kick my steed at the side. Ride now, you mighty beast and do not stop when you hear me scowl. And off I went, steel still flying past my ears, I run, kicking that fucking animal, making it ride, huffing and puffing, I hear it protest, but there's no stopping now, I'm going to fly today, right into oblivion. I reach the edge, and I scowl like a sailor, I die like a man today, pushing myself over the pit, falling into the darkness. Natasha goes limp underneath my body, her voice no more, for that with me, had dissapeared into the fore. I can see in her eyes that she is satisfied, probably taking sick leave, after she gets up from the floor.

“My king...”

“Yes, beautiful?”

“I smell just like you.” Red like the nails of the hand that set me on my path I leave her lying there and I head back out to the front. How long it was I'll never know. But, now I'm back in my seat, staring at the fat man next to me, as he snores.

Spooky's World. Capetown Craig, this house has secrets not even they know about.

The cool thing about Cape Town is, okay I'll break there's a couple, as my day really doesn't matter right now, I won't go on about it. But they have these little stores all over the place that sell freaken vinyl! Okay, I'm calming down...and, I must say a whole lot of the people here do speak Afrikaans, which I must say is a plus. Now, oh yeah, the cool thing is they have taxi's here, not like what I'm used to, okay that to. But more in the Tony Danza, Rev Jim sense of Taxi's. That is where I find myself now, watching the city lights pass me by, I hear the colored cab driver singing to some Kurt Darren. Wherever I fuckin' find myself, this guys music seems to be playing. I try to ignore him and just soldier on, come on, I'm from Johannesburg, what did you expect? But as I've noticed as the day progressed, these fuckin people like to converse, and a lot. Walk into a shop, and the attendant tells you her life story.

Why! I don't talk to people, Jesus Christ. Where I'm from you exchange plesentaries and then maybe ask them why they are so fucking miserable? When you, yourself are busy staring down at your cellphone while you complain about the service. It’s how things work, the way of life, Lion King shit. So, this guy was no different, every five minutes, I've timed him, he'll stop singing, or whistling and act like he's thinking for a moment. I know he's not, he's waiting for me, to start a fucking conversation, speak, lay down a sentence. But I don't, and then his eye's start their expedition, staring at me in the rear view mirror, wondering, what the hell is wrong with me? And then when he cannot take it anymore, he'll say something, and nine times out of ten, he'll start like this.

“Hey my bra...” I always thought that was some kind of stereo type, but they really speak like that. “...”

“Hey, bra!” “..Uh, ja, ja, kan ek help?”

“Kan djy help...wat makeer? Djy hartseer? Verlang djy dalk na 'n girl of iets?”

“Wat? Nee, eks maar net, eks, ek praat nie baie nie.”

“Stil ou. Ja, djy's nie van hier rond nie ne?”

“Nee.” “Waar kom djy vandaan dan?”

“Transvaal.”

“Waas dit?”

“South of Joburg...”

“Ah, Joies...nou wat maak jy al die pad in die Kaap in, djy op 'n holiday?”

“Nee, ek’s hier vir werk.”

“O, ja? Watse werk nogal? Jy 'n IT man?” Does it look like I work with computers?!

“N, Nee. Ek's 'n journalist.”

“Ne? Djy interview mense?”

“Ja, onder andere.”

“Wag, dit moet ek hoor.” He turns down Kaptein, way low.

“Nou toe, wie jy al almal geinterview?”

“Ek dink nie jy sal hulle ken nie?”

“Kom nou, gooi 'n paar name daar.”

“Craig Scholtz, Rolene Byleveld...”

“Enige iemand famous?”

“Nie waarvan ek weet nie.”

“Watse magazine werk djy?”

“Ichigeki Hissatsu, One Hit Kill Magazine.”

“Isit dan 'n gun magazine?”

“Nee, movies, tv, comics, sulke goed.”

“Ek het dan nog nooit van, wat het djy gese die naam was?”

“Ichigeki Hissat-” “Ja, daai, ek het nog nooit van hom gehoor eers nie.”

“Hy's net beskikbaar op die internet.”

“Hoe nou?”

“Jy lees hom online.”

“Nou hoe koop mense hom?”

“Hulle doen nie?”

“Nou wat nou?”

“Ons doen dit vir niks nie. Help die community.”

“Klink soos kak vir my.”

“Wel.” “So, wie interview djy vanaand?”

“Craig Scholtz.”

“Weer?”

“Ja. Hy is weer relevant.”

“So, waar bly hierdie ou?”

“In 'n plek genaamd Die Hills. Of iets.” Not really, can't give away the location of the house, now can I? “Eita, Man het geld.”

“Al die actors en musicians stay daar by die Hills in.”

“Ek sien.”

“So hierie ou, hy's famous?”

“In die community, ja.”

“Waar in die Hills bly hy?”

“Wag laat ek gou weer kyk. Vyfde Laan, nommer 4.” And it gets silent again. His eyes darting around the rear view once more, this time, he was not waiting for me. He had something on his heart.

“Wat's vout?”

“Nee, uhm, niks nie, ek kry net so bietjie warm dis al.”

“Warm? Ek het fokken drie truie aan hier agter, wat het jy daar voor om te drink wat ek nie het nie?”

“Listen, as 'n cab driver hoor djy soms goed. Djy weet, ons praat maar onder mekaar, soos dit maar gaan...Partykeer, hoor mens stories, djy weet. Stories oor drop offs, of pick ups. Sometimes hoor djy stories oor huise. En dinge by huise.”

“Wat probeer jy se?”

“Ek sê, daai huis by nommer 4 op vyfde laan, daar loop stories oor hom.”

“O, né?” I knew that guy was a fuckin deviant!

“Ja, maar dis nie iets waaroor ons praat nie, eks mos 'n kerk mens.”

“Ek sien.”

“Hiers ons nou.” The car comes to a halt. We stare up at the humongous house, old and airy, fucking Craig...

“Dankie hoor, hoeveel skuld ek jou?” He locks the doors.

“Hey!” “Meneer, voordat ek djou laat gaan, dit sal nie reg wees as ek djou nie waarsku nie.” “huh?”

“Is djou saak reg met djou God?” “Wat?” “Djy lyk na 'n goeie ou meneer. Ek wil nie van djou in 'n ander man se pen lees nie.”

What the fuck are they doing in that house? “Moenie worry nie.”

“Meneer.”

“Ja?” “Belowe my net een ding!”

“Wat is dit?”

“Belowe my dat djy voor twee uur vanoggend daar sal uit wees. Bel my as djy wil even. Vra net vir Solly, hulle sal my stuur.”

“Uhm, okay.” He unlocks the doors. I get out and proceed up to the house. I hear him calling after me.

“Meneer! Belowe my! Vra vir Solly!”

I just smile and wave, he leaves a cloud of smoke behind. It’s as if his journey ends at the gates. His eyes, damn, he was so scared, must be some smutty secret society shit that happens beyond these front doors. Luckily for me, I'm a child of the 90s. And as such, I can handle a lot. I realize now, that I never paid for my fair. Which, I must say, could have attributed to my oncoming predicaments.

I walk up to that large foreboding door and place my bags on the receiving end of the house. I find myself, once again, struggling with a philosophical conundrum, I use this word because I seem to have forgotten how to spell its sour green counterpart. Doorbell or Knock? I mean, both are effective to the ends in which they are needed. But, seeing as I am not here to wine and dine, I'll ring the bell. And, so I do.

And what a bell it is, I bet it lit up the entire neighborhood with its obnoxiously loud, gothic bellow, okay so not light, but still, it did something. So, as per tradition, I ring again.

And again, and once more, now, not even removing my finger from the bell. He's gonna love me for this.

And not a minute and I get the response I longed for. “JESUS CHRIST!” looks like he's home.

Hiii, Craig! “MOTHERFUCKER.” ooh, I just had an idea, as it were, haha. This reminds me of one of my most all time favorite British tv shows. And as I am in Cape Town, I'll make like the British and...

Craig opens the door. But there's nobody there.

No trace of the perpetrator. He looks about a bit, Spooky, hiding unseen behind one of the walls, almost at touching distance. Craig turns around begrudgingly and head for the bell.

“Shut up!” he yells and bashes at it with his fist.

Then once it's stopped he heads back inside, dragging the gigantic wooden door behind him shut. Ah, my turn.

Spooky jumps out from behind the wall and rushes to the bell. Ding-ding-ding! “DINGDONG! That's right nigga! Whore Bell.” Spooky laughs as he heads back to behind the wall.

The bell bellows once more, you can hear the furniture inside the house come tumbling down as its inhabitant stomps to the front door. “It's that bloody bell again! It's always getting stuck, always pushing me!” The door swings open again, Craig storms out and begins swearing at the bell. Spooky jumps out behind him and as soon as Craig senses his presence he is gone again. “It's those damn kids!” He runs forward almost on the edge of the stairs.

"YOU LISTEN HERE, YOU DAMN KIDS! JUST BECAUSE YOUR PARENTS ARE FAMOUS DOESN'T MEAN THAT I WON”T SHOOT YOU! I HAVE A GUN! It's not a big gun, but it's a gun...AND I WILL SHOOT YOU! Damn kids...”

Spooky can't hold it any longer and lets the laughter flow. Craig finally notices him behind the wall.

“Spooky?! Is that you?”

“Yes, who else would it be? Kids playing on your 'damn' lawn again? Jesus dude, you're younger than I am, why are you acting like an old man?”

“Whoo, you almost gave me a heart attack.”

“What? For that? Stop being so dramatic.”

“Shall we go in?”

“Ja oupa, kom ons gaan in, netnou-netnou kry jy koue op die wors...”

“What?”

“That Afrikaans bro, shit went right over your head.”

“Yeah...whatever, lets go inside shall we? I don't wanna catch a cold.”

I follow him inside.

“Come on. I wanna show you my house bro!”

“Okay Oupa, ek kom.”

“Stop calling me that!”

“Why?” “Because I'm not an Oupa.”

“Okay, Oupa.”

We finally make it inside and we find ourselves in the foyer. Dis 'n moerse fokken in gangs portaal, vir die res van ons daar buite. Nee regtig, dis huge.

You get to see most of the house from here, there's even a second floor. Strange thing though, all of the furniture are wrapped in plastic for some reason. And, it doesn't seem like there's been anybody living here for some time now. Cobwebs and dust, paint peeling from the walls, dirt on the rugs. Rat droppings, you name it. “ So, what do you think? Welcome to Craig Fish HQ! Casa del la Craig!” It's kind of nice, in a Vampira kind of way.

“It's okay I guess...”

“What the fuck you mean its okay?! This is the shit bro, I'm 21 years old and I'm living like a fuckin boss, bro! This is more than just okay...okay. This is the dream, bro.”

“I don't know, its not really my style is all.”

“Not your style, what? Not 'plaas' enough for you?

You have to refine your taste a little, bro. Put down the beboti and get with the sushi, you know what I mean?”

“Not really.”

“The oysters, bra, come on you know the life, bro?”

“You mean like waking up, putting on some Kenny Loggins and lounging outside in the sun, tanning the whole fucking day?”

“Kenny Loggins?”

“Not this shit again. Anyway this place doesn't really look lived in, now does it? Looks a bit condemned to my estimate.”

“Condemned? Are you freaking serious?”

“You sure you're not just squatting here?”

“Look bro, The Craig does not squat okay. The Craig lives it up. All the time. Look you want a drink or something? Settle in before we begin?”

“Uh, no. A drink is fine. Listen, The cab driver-” “Yeah, we have those here.”

“-yeah, why the fuck was he so spooked when he dropped me off here tonight?”

“What do you mean spooked?”

“He said something about stories about this house and that I should get out of here before this morning, shit about making my peace?”

“I dunno man, the locals have their superstitions.”

“Look, if theres any fucked up shit that I should know about-”

“-Fucked up shit?”

“Yeah, theres lots of things I don't fuck with.”

“Like what?”

“I have a reputation to uphold now man.”

“Oh yeah, you're The Spooky now, right?”

“Just Spooky. You know what I mean?”

“Not really.”

“If you do sick things up here, I'm leaving right now.”

“Sick shit? What the hell are you on about?”

“Yes, If I hear the words pepto bysmal, I'm out. If I hear snake oil or cocaine train I'm out. If I ever during the night hear you ask me if I'd help you get rid of these dead hookers, I'll leave. If at one point you ask me whether or not if I'd like to be initiated into the freemansons, I'm out. If you ever ask me to partake in an orgy with your lani Hill friends, I'm out. If you ask me to watch Merry Poppins, I'm out. You get me?

Clang-clang-clang goes the trolly, Ding-ding-ding goes my heart, none of that fucking shit, you feel me?”

"I see you haven't lost that famous charm of yours.”

“Good, now...Oh my God.” “What?!”

Now look I've seen some shit in my life, like a seven year old child still being breast fed by his mother, okay I just read that, but still, I've seen and experienced some crazy shit in my day, but this.

“What's that hanging over your fire place?”

“It's a flag.”

“I can see that, but, like what's it doing up there?”

“Oh, okay, I see. Look, before we start, I'd just like to say, you can actually write this down if you want, you gonna write it down?”

“I don't know yet, I'm too busy contemplating on whether I fuck with this shit or not.”

“Okay, look dude, this is the new me. The Craig, hash tag 2014, is all for the gays, see. I support them 100% . This is who I am now. I have gay friends dude, it was time to change. Look, I was just like you a year ago. I too thought it was gross. But now, I have gay porn stored next to my straight porn and my lesbian porn. Do I jerk off to it? No. Do I watch it?

No. But it's all about change my friend. It's like Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela, my one true hero and the black Jesus Christ, my nigga, once said : “Change starts at home.” Gay is the new black bro, and I ain't no racist.”

“I don't think he ever said that.”

“No, I'm pretty sure he did. In '94 or somewhere.”

“So you support gay marriage?”

“The Craig wants to see more dudes getting married actually. The Craig is setting up his friends with each other. The Craig is the matchmaker, my friend. It's 2014, bro. Get with the times.”

“So you support gay rights?”

“Yep.” “The right to vote.”

“Hell yeah, I even started a Facebook group recently, the gay rights amendment.

You know, I'm trying to change the meaning of the term Amandla, to be pro gay. But thus far the Zulu community have kind of black balled me on that one.”

“Amandla?”

“Yes, you know. Black Power.”

“You want it to say...”

“Gay Power, yes.”

“Okay...”

“What, you don't agree?”

“I'm not the one being interviewed here.”

“It’s 2014 bro, time to change.”

“You going to take part in the parade sometime then?”

“What parade?”

“The Gay Pride Parade.”

“Gay Pride Parade?”

“Yeah. Its when gays take to the streets to celebrate their gayness. Gay Pride.”

“I, I don't think so, hey.”

“Why not?”

“Cause I'm not gay, bro.”

“Okay, Oupa.”

#Craig 2014 #Progressive #Amandla #GayPower2014

#Spooky2014 My dick's like a sword I see pussy and wanna slay it. #RocknRollJesusQuotes #KidRock

Its been nearly six hours since I got here, and since we've sat down this bastard hasn't stopped talking. And in those almost six stinking hours, I've just about analyzed every single part of this room we're in. From the way the curtains are hung all wrong, to the way the room is arranged. To the way that there is almost no sounds but that damn grandfather clock in the foyer that keeps ticking, and ticking and ticking, letting me know as the seconds pass, going off for every hour that I am trapped in this God forsaken house. It’s gone off five times since I've been sitting here. In front of this fireplace. And the reason I keep track of its comings and goings is that whenever that bell rings, three times as it were, I forget that he is speaking. It drowns him out completely. Ding-ding-ding.

An hour has passed. I find myself praying for it to sound. I hate the silence, I get tired without music. His voice, as soon as I focus on it, his lips moving, dry and cracked from all the bullshit I feel my soul being sucked out of my body. I feel physically ill, I've actually felt this way since I've arrived, this creeping feeling in my stomach as if I'm not supposed to be here. That tingling feeling you get just before a migraine rears its ugly head. I don't know what it is. Maybe it’s my DNA kicking in. I've noticed a couple of things that’s inherit to my people. Like anger for example.

It’s in our DNA, everyone seems to have it. Bubbling right below the surface of clarity. Just waiting for that switch to flip and blind whoever it possesses. I'm the same. Maybe this is another thing, like an adversity to Cape Town and all of their liberal bullshit. Maybe this is from the Groot Trek days, that betrayal, fear and anger they felt when they had to leave. These people, they stayed behind, fell to their knees, copulated and consummated with the devil.

Now seemingly straight men are flying the homosexual flag, downloading gay porn. What the fuck is this country coming to. Yes, that's right I've entered an entirely different country. Some of these people, they speak my language, but they are nothing like me. They are like wolves in sheep's clothing. Waiting to pounce, with their progressive ways. Black Jesus...I think he's given me jaundice or something, Oh my God! If I have to hear him going on about Horrible Subs one more time, I swear I'm going to flip out. There's just so many times you can complain about how people with no regard for the source material should not be allowed to contribute to the community. What does he fucking do? He downloads an episode thats been subtitled by Horrible Subs, he extracts the subtitle file and then he edits it according to the comic book. That's it. He does nothing from scratch, Craig Fish, just fucking checks for continuity and cleans up the text.

There I said it in less than a minute. Fuck this guy.

“And another thing...the fonts Horrible Subs use, they're horrendous. That's actually a better name for them, Horrendous Subs. They do nothing right...” “uhhh...”

“Bro, you even listening?” “...”

“Bro...” “...Whats the time?”

“Its two to two actually. Damn, have I been blabbing for all this time?”

"Fok of.”

“What? Why are you swearing at me?”

“Never mind, thanks for the interview, where am I sleeping?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you said that I could choose between settling in and doing the interview first, I chose the interview.”

“Oh, shit man, I thought you wanted to change clothes or something.”

“No. You said that I could stay at your fucking house tonight.”

“Shit man, I was joking. Theres no room for you here.”

“Fuck you! I didn't make any other plans. I had to sit here and listen to you moan fuck me about some Japanese cartoon and you tell me that you made a joke?”

“Jesus man, chill out. It’s not that big deal. You can sleep on the couch tonight.”

“On these fucking Liz Taylor chairs? Are you out of your fucking mind-” I get interrupted by the hour. DING-DING-DING “You see, two am.” DING-DING-DING “That's strange?”

“What now, you don't like the fireplace or something?”

“No, the clock, it rang six times instead of three.”

“So?” “Not so, I've been listening now every hour on the hour, and it’s only rang three times, every time.

Except for now.”

“I'll ask again, so?”

“So-” an ice cold chill run down both their spines, their breath becomes apparent before their eyes.

“Did you feel that?”

“Yeah dude, this is Cape Town, the ocean is right over there.”

“No, Scully, it doesn't feel right.” Spooky runs over to the front door. He places his hands onto the unpolished brass handles.

“Kom nou, asseblief!” He pulls, the doors lock shut. Ag Jesis, nee!

“Whats wrong, bro?” Spooky pulls out his cellphone. No signal.

“Craig, I'm going to ask you this once, and only once. Is this really your house?”

“Yes, bro. The Craig Lair-” Spooky stops him mid sentence. Craig is pushed up against the door sil leading to the living room. “Bro! Wait!” Spooky grabs hold of his mouth. Yeah shut up.

“Listen...bro... where I come from, up in the Transvaal.”

“Hmm...”

“Ja. Transvaal, jy iets te sê daaroor?” “hmm-mmm.”

“So gedink. We don't fuck with liars. If you lie to me I kick your fucking ass. And if you happen to be of an English persuasion. All the better. Now, you're young. I get that. So you are still caught up with that MTV bullshit. I get that. But dude, MTV or not, you don't lie to me.”

“Hmm...”

"That's right. So, this can go two ways. Either you tell me what I want to know. Or. I fucking put you into intensive care. So whats it gonna be?” “hmm...”

“Option A?” he agrees.

“Is this your house?” He shakes his head.

“So gedink.”

“Is this place haunted?” “...”

“Better speak up asshole!”

“Hmmm!”

“I'm going to remove my hand now.”

Craig falls to the ground.

“Psycho! You fucking psycho! No wonder people are afraid of you!”

“Dis beter om versigtig te wees as dood.”

“Earth calling asshole! This place isn't haunted. You think my friend would try to sell it if it was? And besides, you have to be crazy to believe in that ghost shit.

This isn't a TV show bro. Might be in your head, but back in the real world, shits real. It’s time you stopped living in your made up world and start living in ours.”

“Shut up for a second will you?”

“What?!”

“Don't you hear that?”

“No-” he gets cut off by Jim's voice. Music.

“You have a radio up there you forgot to turn off?”

“Not that I know off. I haven't really been upstairs.”

“Things are about to get very strange for you.” The volume goes up. It’s BREAK ON THROUGH. Break on through to the other side, break on through to the other side break on through to the other side, yeah!

Craig has taken an averse effect to the music, his hands have found their way to his ears and he's rolling around on the floor.

“Oh my God, what is that noise! Its horrible!” Spooky looses it completely. Craig gets slapped.

“Snap out of it Rapunzel, its just The Doors. Its a band before you ask.”

“You slapped me?!”

“You were acting like a bitch, look, how don't you know that this is The Doors? What the hell were you raised on?”

“My parents, they used to listen to, religious music.”

“I don't fucking believe it.” Spooky grabs Craig by the arm and pulls him up.

“Can you walk?”

“Y, Yes I think so.”

“Take me to the kitchen, now!”

“Why?” “You want to get slapped again?”

“No...”

“Then move!” He doesn't seem to understand how serious this shit is. I have to get us to safety, I mean The Doors is one of my favorite bands. No lies. But, Jim won't be singing my funeral song. They wont be lighting my pyre with Light my Fire playing into the cold night air, no matter how appropriate it might seem. No. I will live, and I will drag him with me by his collar if I must back through the gates of hell.

We enter the kitchen, reminds me of my gran's kitchen. The little one in the flat attached to her house that she's never used. Its so kitch, so 70s. At least I have a faint idea of when this house was last inhabited by the living, could be of use later on.

“Here's the kitchen.”

“Okay. This will be our base of operations for now.”

“Okay, lets say for a second you are right. For arguments sake of course, cause I still think you're completely cuckoos, bro. And, this place is haunted...oooh, why would the kitchen be any safer for us to be than the rest of the house?”

“Because there's bound to be some salt here you asshole.”

“Salt? Jesus, I'm stuck with a genius here. You think this is an episode of Supernatural? You have lost your mind. So wait let me guess, you are Dean in this situation right and I-” “You are the poor sod that dies in the first five minutes of the episode, you are the victim that doesn't believe in the supernatural that ends up in his fucking mailbox.”

“Such anger...”

“Are you going to show me to the salt or what?”

“Whatever dude, as far as I know, there's some salt in the cupboard up there. Yeah that one.”

“This can't be all there is?”

“Hey, at least its in a steal container bro, has to count for something, right?” I go on my own journey to find some salt, the music only getting louder with every song change. After some work I finally hit the jackpot. “The Scullery.” of kos-kas, so vêr ek weet.

“Craig, come here, I've found it.”

“Oh my God, what is that smell?”

“This hasn't been opened in a long time. Must be rats or something. Like you said we are near the ocean, ships bring them in all the time. In fact it’s the rats that spread some of the worst diseases in the early 1900's right here in Cape Town.”

“You think it’s been that long?”

"When your friend got hold of the property, were there any signs of squatters?”

“She didn't say.”

“I didn't see any either. This your first night here?”

“Yeah man, I only got here like thirty minutes before you did.” “dammit. Okay, help me with the salt.”

“Look, I hope you put this shit into the article, or interview or whatever. It can be seen as a cry for help, you know, once your editor reads this, they can send you for treatment.”

“Whatever dude, just help me with the salt.”

We each drag a bag out of the forgotten space.

“You think this shit will still work?”

“I don't know.” I grab a cup and proceed to sprinkle the salt on all the important area's.

Reluctantly Craig partakes as well.

“Salt has been used as a way to ward of evil for centuries, Craig. Its not a made up thing.”

“So you mean the way they use it on Supernatural, that shit's for real?”

“Well, there are plenty of pagans that use it like that. I've read that they also keep bowls of rock salt all over their house to keep away negative energy.”

“Wait a minute, I've seen that before, at my friends' house. I've never asked him or his parents about it though.”

“Yeah, it pays to know these things.”

“So you really think this place is haunted?”

“Tell me what the stories say.”

“Well, there's a couple of them. Two of them are what I've heard told the most. The first one is the classic Amytiville Horror story, you know father kills family and then kills himself. But the second one is bad, bro. They say a cult of Satanists used to live here long ago. They say they used to lure up young couples and then sacrifice them and shit. I've also heard variations of the tale where they bleed their victims dry before they feast on their body's.”

“At least it was Halaal hey.”

“Haha, you're right.” KABOOM!

“What the hell was that?” and then we hear our first surprise. The tomb doors open and it lets its air out.

This is where it normally starts does it not. That sigh, whether its of relieve one never knows, but, it does leave one hell of a lasting first impression.

“Wa...was that part of the song?”

“No Craig, It wasn't. Hand me that salt would you?”

Craig complies by handing Spooky the metal container once more. “What are you going to do?”

Spooky proceeds to shake that salt shaker all over his head. He can feel the fear climbing up from within his stomach. But he has to stay strong.

Because when he begins to subside all hope is lost.

The tearing at the walls has begun. Craig , now finally seems to have come to, to the realization that something might be up. Spooky has already started chugging that shaker down his throat.

Shaking it wildly as the footsteps draw closer.

“Spooky! Don't take all of it, give some here!”

Spooky turns to Craig, who's pointing comicly at his mouth like a little fledgling bird calling his mother to ease its hunger pains.

Spooky leans over and starts shaking the salt shaker in Craig's mouth, also in rapid strokes. But then his attention shifts again, this time to the entrance, the way they arrived into the kitchen. For there he finds with his wide silent eyes, and his salt laden dry mouth, the figure of a dark tall woman, with the palest skin he has ever seen. “Hi boys...fancy a tumble?”

Spooky's jaw hits the floor, so does the salt shakers cap as Spooky's thumb pulls tight and flips it off, letting its contents spill over and down Craig's mouth and throat. Spooky swallows, Craig, he tries to spit.

The female figure in the doorway notices the line of salt that keeps her from crossing the threshold. That keeps her from entering the domain of the living and desecrating the sanctity of their holy ground.

“Come now, salt? How daft do you think I am?” She bends down. Her eyes fleetingly shifting up to Spooky's, Craig, still seemingly unaware of her existence, still caught up in his own predicament.

She brings her hand up to her darkly painted lips, a sharp contrast to the rest of her body. “This ones for free cowboy.” She blows a kiss in Spooky's direction.

The salt follows her affections, leaving a hole where a wall once was. “I'm coming in.” Her English accent revealed to Spooky for the first time.

“What have we here then?”

Spooky nudges at Craig, his eyes fixated on the ghostly presence before him. Her autumn dress dragging on behind her. “Du, Dude!”

“What? You bastard! Water!” Its hard to make out what he's trying to say, there's still so much salt left in his mouth.

“D...Dude!”

“Hmmm, what's that smell! It’s something new, though very familiar!” She takes delight in this for some reason.

“D...Dude!”

“What!” Craig doesn't see her.

The pale woman comes up close to Spooky, her scent burning him at the touch. “ugh!”

“Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm! You know what you smell like? You smell like Pretoria! You smell like the bush!” She's taking Spooky in with her nose.

“What's your name, boy? You're not from around here are you?” “...”

“You mute son. Spit out your name!” Okay Spooky keep it cool, just tell her your name and then she'll leave.

“Uhm, My name is Brad, and uh, this is, this is Janet.” That's right Spooky, humor was exactly what you had in mind...

“What the hell are you doing?!” Craig has finally gotten most of the salt out of his mouth and has finally decided to pay attention. “nuh, uh. You speak my tongue, but you can't hide that accent from me. You're from the north aren't you?”

“Gulp...Yes.” “Where about? Richard, Richard! Come look, I've got a surprise for you!”

“What is it woman! I'm busy!” a low male voice flies into the kitchen from the dining area.

“Look, bro, I've had enough of this shit. This has officially been the weirdest night of my life. I'm getting out of here before I lose anymore of my brain cells.”

"What's irking your companion?”

“He's a little strange...”

“Who are you talking to?!”

“Yes, ask me my name...”

“What's your name?”

“Well, Brad. I'm Jeniffer. And this, this is Richard.”

Spooky peers over her shoulder, another ghostly face has entered the room. “Jennifer. What is this I smell?!” He's wearing a very old and odd looking black suit. He possesses that accent as well.

“That my dearest, that is the smell of the north.”

“Yes...What is your name boy?”

“My...name?”

“He says that his name is Brad, but we know hogwash when we smell it.”

“Come now, tell us your real name boy.” The pale man stretches his claw out towards Spooky's face,. Nails like that of a dragon, this guy obviously has never seen a clipper. He drags it lightly over Spooky's cheek.

“Jesus dude, you look like you've seen a ghost?”

“Well...”

“Your name boy!”

“S..Spooky!”

“Try again.”

“Louis...”

“Louis. Is that all?”

“No, I have three names.”

“You do, do you? And your house name? Your surname?”

“N...Nieuwoudt.”

“You smell familiar Mister Nieuwoudt.”

“He does, doesn't he?”

“Jennifer, tell me, how long has it been?”

“Well, not since the war, I imagine.”

“That's right. And we got rid of him, didn't we?”

“I believe so.”

“Did he bare any offspring Jennifer?”

“I don't believe so, no.”

“You smell really familiar, Mister Nieuwoudt. Like a man we used to know. A man that put my family through a whole lot of trouble. But, we had him taken care off, so, your presence here intrigues me somewhat.”

“Look, I, I also don't know what I'm doing here.

I’m not even from around here, you're right, I am from the north. I only came here to interview this guy. Which I do realize now was a big mistake.”

"The feeling is mutual, bro. Shit, the water's been turned off.” They focus their attention on Craig.

“He cannot see us, can he?” asks Jennifer, quickly.

“Hey, it’s a miracle that I'm even talking to you, so It’s not that big a deal.”

“Oh, I beg to differ.” They both move over to where Craig is trying to get the last drop of water from the tap into his mouth.

“Now this boy. He belongs.” she moves in for the kill.

“Mister Nieuwoudt, I'm going to give you a name.

And if you tell me you have never heard of him, if you lie to me, Jennifer will have this poor sod's head. Do you understand?”

Spooky nods. “And Jennifer, please, don't be gentle.”

“This is so going to ruin my dress.” Spooky hesitates.

What the fuck have I gotten myself into? What if I'm the cause of Craig's death? Jesus, what if I don't know the answer? This is insane!

“Okay, Mister Nieuwoudt. This is it, the moment of truth. Do or die. So, tell me,” “Yes...” Her hands etch closer.

“Tell me, do you know a man by the name off...”

“Yes...”

“Bro?” “Yes...”

“You're not on something are you?”

“Like what?” The ghostly figures stop what they are doing.

“Like drugs, you know.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, drugs. Like the heavy shit you know.”

“No, like what?”

“I dunno, I'm not really a drug guy.”

“Go on, I wanna hear you say it. Say it with your mouth.”

“L.S.D.” Craig attempts to impersonate Bella whats her name from that weird Vampire movie the kids seems to love so much.

The tension is lifted somewhat.

“Craig...”

“What?”

“I'm sorry if this ends badly.”

“What?”

“Richard?”

“Just badly, I'll try. I promise.”

“Okay man. I don't really trust you, but okay.”

“Okay, hit me with that name.”

"What? Oh yes, Jennifer, you still manning your post?”

“Somewhat, yes.”

“Good. Okay Mister Nieuwoudt. Here is that name.” “...”

“Are you ready?”

“Yes, yes, I'm fucking ready. Just spill it already! My fok man!”

“O, okay then. Jan van Vuuren...” Spooky is shut down.

Jan van Vuuren? Ja ek ken hom. Ek skryf hom.

“What?”

“Come now Mister Nieuwoudt.”

“You are speaking like he's a real person.”

“Yes, what else would he be?”

“Well, a figment of my imagination.”

“Wait, what the bloody hell does that mean? Jennifer?”

“I think it means that he made him up.”

“I assure you Mister Nieuwoudt, he was quite real.”

“Come on now, this is not happening.”

“No, I think it is.”

“No it's not. Maybe I am high.”

“I told you bro. So I guess we're stuck in this kitchen right, I don't see a scenario where you let us leave. Well, I'll be making myself comfortable then. Hmm much pleasure, many feels.”

“Maybe it’s asbestos or something, you never know with these old houses?”

“What's going on with him?”

“There seems to be a minor misunderstanding between us.”

“Minor? You are trying to convince me that you guys are real, which I've just decided, cannot be possible, because you want me to believe that a comic book character that I invented is supposedly a real historical figure that did your family wrong? Please, I must be tripping.”

“He thinks that he's experiencing the after effects of some hallucinatory substance.”

“Exactly.”

“I'm just going to lay back here while you work through this, whatever it is, on your own. Okay? Okay.” Craig gets onto the kitchen table, walking right out of Jennifer's deadly grasp .

“He really can't see us?”

“Comic Book character?”

“Yes you know, comic books, you guys had them back whenever, didn't you? I mean the big blue came out in the 40s? And Shazam! Even before that?”

“I don't quite follow?”

“Shit, I'm going to explain what comic books are to a friken ghost...okay. What would you guys have called it back then? Newspaper funnies? No. okay. Its like sequential art right, that tells a story, by like using word balloons.

Like for example.” Spooky traces a word balloon out with his hand next to Richards head. “If this was a comic book this is what it would look like, if you were to say something.

Like for example. Jolly good, old chap, old wassack, all good on the western front, bonzo, uuh, tea, uhh the coal shed door, uuh, he's always breaking things, uuh, oh Betty!”

“You know, that was actually spot on! Good going.”

“Jennifer please.” Richard wipes the speech balloon clean with his hands.

“Okay, I have it. During the war they had these little pieces in the news papers over in England that made fun of The Boers or like, Paul Kruger. Pieces that sometimes glorified the English, portrayed them as these colonial heroes fighting against the barbaric forces of the unfair Boers.”

“Oh, I've seen those!” says Jennifer delighted.

“And, I must say, spot on as well.”

“Yes, that is also a form of a comic strip.

Today we get whole books that's filled with those but it tells a whole story. That's what Kommando Jan is, or Jan van Vuuren as you put it.”

"I see.”

“So, you see, you can't be real. I'm sorry to go all The Others on you. But its better to get it out of the way now before the depression kicks in.”

“Oh, you think we are a result of the hallucinations. A part of your subconscious, do you?”

“Yes, I do. And the pretty lady over there could be a representation of my femininity,” “Why thank you, I am the vision, aren't I?” “And you Richard, you could be my early deep seated wishes to be-” “In control of that femininity? Look I've just about had enough of this!”

“I was thinking more along the lines of looking a little more Adams Family, but I'd rather go with that.”

“Right! This cannot be helped then.”

“Yes, I'm sorry dude.” Richard flips out. He launches forward and grabs Spooky by the collar and pushes him back into the wall behind them. The kitchen begins to rattle, cups falling from the cupboards, doors opening and then closing shut again, lights flashing. Its quite incredible actually. Craig jumps to, “Oh my God! Its an Earthquake! EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAAAAAKE!” He rolls down onto the floor and crawls to safety underneath the table. Jennifer smiles. “Heck, you should experience a tumble with him, exceptional!”

“Listen here you fool, I told you what he had done to my family, and yet you still mock me with these childish dillusions!”

“No, you only said he put you through trouble. Nothing else.”

“Well, if you cannot take subtlety then I'll just have to drive my point home.”

“You are gonna want to see this, kid.” taunts Jennifer menacingly at Craig.

“What, what are you going to do with me?”

“I'm going to show you what happened.”

“How?!”

“Like this.” Richard takes his hand and presses it up against Spooky's forehead. Burning his mark onto his open skin, hair seering away at the thought of Richards will.

“Move now, boy. Witness the undeserving, the pain which was wrought on my family. By the man you claim to have thought up. As if he was nothing more than a cloud, passing by!”

Spooky fades out. The record starts playing again, or so it seems. For Spooky the only light in this darkness he's been pushed into is that voice. But this time it is not the Lizard King, but God himself that keeps him from slipping.

“Dio! Is that you?” No response. Still the song plays.

Can't remember how I got From here to there Isn't any reason Plain and simple How I can't recall anymore Would be misleading Lead me on “Wat gaan aan?!”

Hell and Fire burning higher Now I can see the ever after Clock is moving only While I see you down here me in laughter Never more

Oh, should have guessed it. Our money, but do carry on.

“Just look at how many Kaffirs we saw whilst on our visit before the war. All those kaffirs are worth at least 4 pounds each. If I took a ship full of them to Germany, I'd be a rich man. And they're there for the picking boys. Hell, It just hit me. African Safari's.

Can you see it? We bring a good ol bunch of hunters down here, and we tell them to go catch them some Zulu's or Xhosa's, come on? You don't kill them, of course, well. You pay extra for that. But we buy them back from them and then we export them around the globe. I'm telling you Human Zoo's are making a comeback, and in a big way.”

What the hell?

“Ek, ek dink ek's besig om, om. Is ek hoog?!” This is a bad place for Spooky to be in right now. He closes his eyes, covering them with his hands tightly. WORD WAKKER! Nothing. An infinite space of black nothingness, what does this all mean? Only one thing to do. Fall down on my knees and, “Ahhhhhhhhhhh!”

My eyes shut, and the cold air disappears. I smell candles and food. Wine and, hmmm baked potato.

Maybe I've died and gone to heaven. Voices! I open my eyes, to find...okay Richard in a suit...so not heaven. Way to many English at this table to be heaven...maybe hell? Naaah, I'm not that naughty, lol.

Okay, so I keep looking down, guess I'm not in control here, and I seem to have some kind of aversion to what's on my plate. Which, if I had to do it any justice, looks something like veal and vegetables? If I knew what veal looked like? It's some kind of fish isn't it? Jesus! Why must my uncivilized ways let me down now? Okay, they are talking? What I'm not too sure about. Maybe I'll have some of this wine I just went for. I smell it, smells off, dunno if that's what it’s supposed to smell like, lets have a taste, oops, okay looks like I won't, glass goes back down. Lets have a listen then.

"As I was saying Franklin, these Boers don't know what they have their hands on here. Just take the underlying area of the Transvaal for example. It’s crawling with money.”

“Yes, that's all good and well, but we still have this bloody war on our hands.”

“Yes, but once that's settled, we can start with our venture, that's when the real mining starts. Rhodes thinks himself such a company man, bah. I say he's been missing the true potential of this damned country. Nativity Farming!”

“You came up with that on your own did you?”

“Why yes I did. Come on Dickey, lets get excited for once. This is our big break! Pretty soon we'll be back on a boat, back to our home and those who shunned us will be kneeling at our feet,” “And licking our boots no doubt.”

There's this pale looking kid sitting next to Richard.

Richard is sitting on the head, as am I, this kid is sitting to his left and then Old Macdonald opposite the kid. Creepy as hell, he keeps staring at me, sipping on this glass, it’s never away from his mouth, peering eerily over the edge. What do you want kid, huh? Wat soek jy? Ja, drink jou sappies. Oh shit. That shit looks like wine or something. His whole mouth covered in red like a five year old with a bowl of chocolate ice cream.

Look away kid, look away! Seriously, creeping me out. “Oh, Rosa...” in scurries a black woman, she looks starved, she's dressed like a maid. “Clean his mouth would you, dear?” Rosa complies, she wipes the kid's face, clean, his eyes ever unmoving. “That's it, and could you please send in one of the feeders please, thank you so much.”

Rosa scurries away again, but is stopped before she could get out of site. “Uhm, Rosa. What did we discuss?” Rosa hesitates. “What do we say?”

“I, I ap, Apologize mister, Mister Rich-” “Master, Rosa.”

“Yes...Master.” She bows.

“That's good. Now off you go. Bring Franklin a healthy one this time please, the last one you sent in was all bone and no meat.”

“Yes, Master.” There it is, her eyes. Why do they all keep looking at me?

"I do apologize, Mister Van Vuuren, as you probably know by now, you can take a kaffir out of the bush but you can't take the bush out of a kaffir, Or so you say, is it not?”

Mister van Vuuren?! Okay, so, he was totally looking at me when he said that. Does this mean?

What's this, a soft female hand reaching out to mine?

Could this be, oh shit, my heart can't handle it, it won't, oh Lord. I look up. And I flip out! ANSEL KRIEL: BOERE HEKS! Dis sy, o fok, ek is in die helmel, o Here, ek's klaar.

“Jan...wat's vout?” Uit soos 'n kers... “...” Natuurlik gaan hy nie sê wat hom pla nie, dis Kommando Jan hierdie. Jy moet saggies kap totdat die muur om hom af kom.

“You know what?” ag nee, dis ou babbel bek, watse onmenslikke snert wil hy nou weer kwyt raak?

“No, what Robert?”

“I'd like to know what our new friend's thoughts are on my idea?”

“Your idea, Robert?” New Friend? Se gat, man.

“Yes, Nativity Farming, we need an inside man wouldn't you say, and who better than the most famous of the boers, Komamndo Jan, to be the face of this venture?”

“I don't know Robert, lets hear what he has to say first.”

“Yes, so Mister Van Vuuren, what are your ideas on this?” “...My idees?”

“On Human Zoo's?”

“Ja, ek het gehoor van die goed. Ek neem aan as my vel nie wit was nie was ek ook nou al in een van hierdie hokke né?”

“Now, Mister van Vuuren...”

“Ek dink nie eks die regte man vir hierdie werk nie.”

“Oh come now, why would anybody say no to this kind of money?”

“Dis nie hoekom ek hier is nie.”

Rosa enters the room once more, this time accompanied by a pale white blonde girl.

“Ah, Rosa. Now that's better. If you would do the honers?”

Sy kannie meer as ses jaar oud wees nie?

Rosa leads her to the boy Franklin's side. Who begins to pulsate the moment she gets close to him. Rosa proceeds to pick up the little girls arm. She squirms, terrified of what's to come. “Jan.” The way Ansel just said that. She knows what's coming, and she'd rather not that Jan have anything to do with it. Rosa places a little wooden case on the dining room table. The girl whimpers. What are they about to do?

Richard slowly flips the case open, his eyes not moving from Jan. “Tell me Mister van Vuuren. Do you have any children of your own?”

“N...nee.” Richard pulls a lancet from the wooden container. “Maybe someday?”

“Ja.” “I do hope you are luckier in these, en devours than I was.” He hands the lancet to Rosa, who's already tied a tourniquet to the little girls arm.

“Jan...los dit...” There she is again. Warning me.

Rosa pushes the lancet into her young arm, blood boiling out over the beak. Franklin wants to jump, but his father commands otherwise. “Franklin. No!” Richard takes the wine glass from in front of Franklin and holds it underneath the funnel. It fills up with the blood red vitae. Franklin's eyes growing wider with each drop. “N...nee. Asseblief!” My heart, it's going insane. There's this , this tight feeling around my chest and my throat. This warm feeling, my breathing...what's happening to me?

When its full, flowing over Richard's hand, he removes it and hands it to Franklin, who launches at it like a dog. Rosa removes the lancet and applies pressure to the wound.

The little girl's eyes flash at Jan. Full of tears, she calls him to her side. Jan looks away.

Richard proceeds to lick the excess from his hand. This sends Jan overboard. His fists comes down on the table. Stopping the little girl and Rosa, but not Franklin, who is devouring the milk as if it was from his own mother.

“Mister van Vuuren?!”

“Watse kak is die?!” Silence. You could hear a pin drop. Jan sent chills up all of their spines, even the little freak with the blood fetish stopped for a second to take note of the impending doom that awaits him and his family. “Ex..excuse me?”

Jan's finger will be doing the talking. I'd add something else about crocodiles, but I won't.

“Ek het gesê, watse fokken kak is die?!” All attention shifts to the kid with the bloody mouth. Second hand blood. “Fa-Father?”

“Don't worry my boy. I'll handle this.”

“You see, I told you Dickey, did I not warn you? You cannot make a deal with something as uncivilized as a Boer and expect it to go smoothly. Did I not?”

“Yes. Yes, Robert you did in fact mention something along those lines. But, there's no need to make assumptions, Mister van Vuuren is just a little confused, isn't that right?”

“Jou fokken kind is hier besig om bloed uit 'n wynglas te verorber en dan fokken gaan staan en lek jy dit ook nog. Ek, ek het geweet dat daar iets fout is met die Khaki's maar ek het nooit gedink-” “You never thought what Mister Van Vuuren? Go on, do share with us what you are thinking right now. Say it with your words.” Is dit nie bietjie vroeg vir dit nie?

“Kannibaal!”

“Oh come now, don't be so passe, didn't your namesake bring some of the old world with him when he infected this continent with his blood?”

“Dis...dis Godlasterend!”

“No Mister Van Vuuren it is not! Everything that lives and moves about will be food for you. Just as I gave you the green plants, I now give you everything! God said that, your God, or have you forgotten?

“Dis verkeerd...nee.”

“Then your God is wrong. He also said, Whoever sheds human blood, by humans shall their blood be shed; for in the image of God has God made mankind. Do you know what that means? Can your small brain even comprehend it? It's right there in black and white. Just as my frail, worthless boy sits here today, chained to that cup, as he once was to his own mother's teet. Here he sits Mister Van Vuuren not shy of seven and already God has dealt him a hand he cannot play. For you see, Mister van Vuuren my boy, he is what the doctors call an Epileptic.”

"Vallende Siekte?”

“That's right. He has the fits, he could die in his sleep, bite off his own tongue and swallow it.

Bleed to death. And this, believe it or not is the only thing that holds it at bay.”

“Ja, maar teen watse koste?”

“Fuck the cost! This is my son you are talking about. I would gladly sacrifice the lives of a thousand inbred Boer offspring for the life of my own. And I'd cut her throat just as easily if it meant that my son would wake up tomorrow morning.” Her hand clenches shut on mine. She hasn't said a word. She could wipe out everyone in this room with a flick of her finger, but she keeps quiet. This was the world of men. And there was no place for her opinion.

“Daar's net een manier waarvan ek weet om vallende siekte te genees. Maar ons maak seker dis gedoen voordat mens met probleme sit.”

Real men doesn't use the doors created for them by society. They build their own.

“Yes. I can imagine.” Just then Jan breaks eye contact. My eyes fall to the plate in front of me once more. “Waar is Tierkat?”

“Who?” “Tierkat, my swart vriend, waar's hy?”

“Oh, the kaffir? Don't worry, he'll be joining us forthwith. Won't he Rosa? ” Richards face creaks into this awful grin. Rosa grabs the little girl and heads into the next room. What's going“Spooky!”

“Huh?” Oh shit , oh shit, oh shit!

“Spooky, kyk vir my.” Ansel Kriel is speaking to me, to me, not to Jan, but to me. And oh God. Look, almal om die tafel het gevries behalwe vir ons.

I turn around to find her eyes already on my own.

“A...Ansel?”

“Ek moet jou iets vra voordat ons aan gaan.”

“H...hoe is dit moontlik?”

“Wat?” “Is...is ek hoog?” “hoog?”

“Jy weet...op iets...soos, uhm, opium?”

“O. Jy dink seker dit speel alles in jou kop af, soos 'n droom, né?” “...”

“Wel, soos ek van te vore al vir jou gesê het, as dit makliker vir jou gaan wees, dan is dit.”

“Maar, hoe, hoe? Ek verstaan nie?”

“Hoe is ek hier? Ek is dan mos net iets wat jy opgemaak het, né?”

“Ja...”

“Moenie so flippen arrogant wees nie man. Ek is hopeloos te werklik om 'n strokies karakter te wees.”

“Maar Jan, Richard het gesê dat, dat hy werklik bestaan het?”

“Dis reg ja.”

"Maar, ons het nooit van hom eers geleer nie? Ek het hom net opgemaak, hy is maar net my wiesie van wat 'n boere held moet wees?”

“Dis reg. Jan. Richard, hierdie Engelse plat bek hier voor ons, hy het seker gemaak dat Jan vergeet sou word. Hy het sy legende weg gewas met bloed. Almal wie Jan liefgehad het moes ly.

Maar, soos Jan se wil, sou hy ook aanhou lewe.”

“Hy het 'n seun gehad?!”

“Sy bloed hardloop deur jou arre, Spooky.”

“Wat?! Nee, kom nou.”

“Dis waar. Ek weet nie of jy 'n direkte afstammeling is nie, of jy miskien iewers anders op die lyn voorkom nie, en vader alleen weet hoekom dit so lank gevat het voordat een van julle sy storie sou oorvertel.”

“My familie is bietjie stadig...”

“En hardkoppig né?”

“Ja...so, ek neem aan dit is jou doening hierdie Ansel Kriel, Boere Heks?”

“Jy met daardie boere heks storie van jou, dit kom nie van my af nie. Ek is net Ansel Kriel.”

“Boere Heks. Haha. Maar die res, dis jy wat veroorsaak dat ek hierdie goed onthou né?”

“Wie dan anders? Ek het jare later op Jan se seun afgekom. Hy was omtrent jou ouderdom, en hom 'n paar dinge van die lewe gewys. So doende, het ek verseker dat Jan se lyn aangaan en ook sy legende.”

“En die?”

“Die is die plek waar alles vir Jan verander het.

Richard was veronderstel om vir Jan te vertel van die Khaki's se bewegings. Jy sien, Jan, wou 'n einde bring tot die Helkampe. By homself.”

“Wel, hy het breë skouers.”

“Ja...vreeslik. Maar die gesprek het nooit daarop uitgeloop nie.”

“Nie?”

“Nee. Want hierdie ondiere het besluit om iets aakligs te doen. Iets wat Jan gebreek het.”

“Soos wat?”

“Ek wil nie sê nie. Dit hang van jou af of jy dit wil sien.”

“Het ek 'n keuse?”

“Nie rêrig nie.”

“Sal ek dit kan hanteer?”

“Ek weet nie. Jou tyd is vreeslik anders as ons sin.

Julle mans is sagter, meer vatbaar vir die donker.”

“Nie ek nie.” “...nee?”

“Nee.” “Ek het jou gewaarsku.”

“Ek sal dit nie teen jou hou nie, Ansel.”

“Natuurlik nie.”

Time sets itself back on course. Ansel has returned to her previous position. Unaware once more of Spooky's presence. Rest back into her own frame.

The wheels on the trolley rings through the house.

“Well the Mister Van Vuuren, shall we get back to business?”

“J, Ja asseblief.” The golden plated trolley enters the room like a scared dog fleeing from the lightning.

Its as big as a coffin. I look to Ansel once more as silence overcomes the room. Its deafening, all eyes on the golden plated hearse.

“Ah, Rosa. Mister an Vuuren, your gift, it has been prepared. I hope you don't mind, but I'll be having the first bite.” Richard gets up from his seat. It creaks as his son decides to follow, hanging by his fathers coat tails.

“Gift...”

“Jan.” She wants me to sit down. She wants me to stop. But I cannot, I have this ugly feeling inside of me, something bad is about to happen, something I won't be able to stop.

So pretty and new, I see you sliver into my dining room.

I wish I could explain this. With words I mean. I know I'll soon be forced to head over to it. To see for myself. That horrible thing Ansel mentioned that sent Jan over the edge, it's in there. I know, I can feel it, I could always feel it, before it even came. Something inside, scratching at the door.

Telling me to open, but I don't. It's not loud enough. With everything else going on all at the same time, it gets lost in the raucous.

Give me your hand little one, let me press dry lips up against ear, to feel mummy which is for you to give me.

Here it comes, die vet gesig het nounet sy deel gevat, Rosa, her face, so much pain. But she mustn't cry.

A gift!

I proceed to the pot, boiling over. I have to know it's secret. I build a house, for your bones. Here it comes. My defense mechanism. Allison Mosshart. That chick from that band/ group/ art project. The Kills. A band I could never get fucking into. I don't know what it was about them.

The sound, the look. The weird pretentious lyrics?

Maybe it was the crowd they are associated with? I don't know. Just something off about them. But, put her in a band with Jack White and shit gets genial. I build a house, I build a home.

Within you lies my cure young one.

I wrote a song. Go on and listen.

The closer I get the more the music overpowers me. I guess I see it as such. Lets make a movie, lets make it up. If its made up, make believe I can take off the robes. Wipe the makeup from my face. Its a dream. With the music, its always a dream.

That's all you'll hear. When I go missing.

It comes to a point where there is no point.

Where I go deaf for the things around me, no to the things, or to the point where I can hear nothing. So clearly the music plays, I shouldn't even respond to this. Closer, closer I edge.

Your King is dying, I always get, I always get the things I want.

and so early in life he will call on you, until the point where the music stops, the point where I can no longer pretend, and reality stares me in the face. No more sunglasses, no more pantomime. in hope that with your essence, I make a nest, for your hair.

I lay you down, I lay you there. he too, This is where I force it. I'm asleep, but my eyes are still open. If I still breath, I can still, listen. in your place, Lips are moving, whispers escape, I open the casket door, inside, dread awaits. will live another day.

I go deaf to it all. I struggle to maintain resistance, I forget that this is just a dream. I forget Ansel's words, and how they sound. I forget her touch and I close the door.

Tier Kat lays dead inside, all made up like a stuffed roast or a chicken. They are serving me his remains.

“Mister Van Vuuren, do make up your mind, we have much to discuss.”

“Damn this meat! May just be the hardest I've ever had.”

“Well, it is kaffir meat. They are out in the sun their whole lives, it's to be expected my good man.”

I build a ship I sink or sail Every tooth And every nail I always get, the things I want I always get, the things I want I always get, the things I want I always get, the things I want “Jan.” Jan reacts, Robert is the first to feel his wrath as his chair is pulled backwards and his back hits the ground, the chair giving way underneath his weight. Richard wants to interviene but one of Jan's famous six shooters changes his mind. “Wh....What is the meaning of this?!”

"Moet dit iets beteken? Dit is tog 'n Boer waarmee jy te doen het, of is ek verkeerd?”

“Now, now look, there's no need for this.”

“Ja daar is! Weet jy wie lê daar? Wie jy besig was om te eet?”

“I, Uh, I.” “Dis reg ja. Jy weet vroeër het jy gesê dat ons soos 'n pes hierdie land ingeval het. 'N parasiet nè? Kom ek vertel jou en al jou klomp nou iets. Toe ons hier geland het, het ons na 'n nuwe huis kom soek. Ons was nie meer welkom in die kaap nie. En baie van ons het nog voor dit in my Oupa se tyd die dood ontwyk toe ons van ons lande gevlug het. Ons het hier gekom om 'n fokken lewe te bou. Toe ons opgekom het na die Transvaal, het ons probeer om te onderhandel vir land. Ons het gevra of ons maar hier kan kom setel. Maar die barbaarse varke wat hier voor ons beland het, het besluit om ons lewers uit te sny, en dit dan te eet. Nes julle! Tog het ons nog steeds baklei vir 'n land van ons eie. Ons het begin boer, en ons het begin bou. Julle het hier gekom om dit vanaf ons te ontneem. Ons...vrouens, ons kinders. Net vir die goud en diamante, wat na regte aan ons behoort!”

"Puh...Please, do something, do something before he kills us all.”

“Ansel. Jy bly hier uit.”

“O..okay Jan.” “No!” “Vandat julle hier gekom het, het dinge net agter uit geloop. Veral vir my. En, en nou staan ons hier, nè.

Nou vertel jy my, meneer opgevoed. Na hierdie verdomde oorlog, en alles wat julle hier wil kom doen, wie van ons, is die parasiet? Die infeksie? Julle het my vriend, my vriend afgeslag soos 'n fokken dier...”

“Jan...asseblief, Kalmeer.”

“N, Nee. Die kalmte het my lankal ontgaan. Tierkat, Tierkat moet begrawe word.”

Jan pulls Robert onto his legs. “Wh...What are you going to do!”

Jan drags him over to Tierkat and opens the door.

Robert reaches the top by way of Jan's closed fist.

“Kyk!” Robert shuts his eyes.

“Kyk!” “N, No!, Please, please, RICHARD! Do something!”

“I...I'm going to get my gun!” Richard starts for the door. Jan will not have this.

The first shot is fired. Richard falls back into his chair.

Let off easy with only a shot to the arm. “Father!” “Bly jy net waar jy is, ek het gesê kyk!”

“No!” “Wel, dan los jy my geen keuse nie. Kom!” Jan pulls Robert into the coffin. “Nuh, no!”

“Ansel.” Ansel is just sitting there, watching as the scene unfolds. Not really feeling anything for the victims. “Ja, Jan?” “Daardie Engelse pis. Gee dit hier.” She complies by reaching for the bottle of Chardonnay in front her and passing it to Jan. “It's not English you inbred monkey. It's French!”

“Father. Father! What can I do?”

“Don't worry my son. He shall be brought to justice soon enough.”

"Frans hê? Wel, sal hy dan vir 'n honderd jaar brand? Ek fokken hoop so!”

“N, No! What are you going to do with that?”

Jan begins pouring the Chardonnay out over Roberts body. It burns Roberts eyes.

“Ek gaan hom reguit hel toe stuur!”

Jan takes a match from his pocket and lights it.

“Oh my God, Richard do something!”

“Mister van Vuuren!”

“Te laat.” Jan sets Robert ablaze. The screams are suffocating. The casket door closes shut.

“Rus in vrede my vriend.”

The music returns. My hands work on their own once more. Idle hands. I can still hear him burning. Jan does not move his eyes from the metal casket. I wonder what he's thinking about?

“You...you...you are insane! You killed my brother over a fucking animal!”

“Ja, wel. Dis mos hoe die lewe werk.”

“I will have your fucking head for this Kommando Jan! I will hang you from the heavens if I must!”

A commotion erupts in the room next door.

Someone else has found their way into the home of Richard the Mad. “Dickey!”

The armed men flood into the dining room. They find Richard in a state most alarming. “Richard!”

Richard's finger leads the men to Jan. “KILL HIM!” They react without hesitation. “Totsiens my vriend.” Jan blocks the first mans punch and fires his weapon into the mans belly. He stumbles to the ground. Jan turns around and fires his gun again. And again, making his way to a more open space. Ansel has taken to a safer area as well. “Dis reg, Kommando Fokken Jan. Kan ook nêrens gaan sonder om 'n boehaai te maak nie.”

Jan finds Ansel hiding behind the wall that leads into the dining area by way of an entrance that doesn't seem to be there anymore in Spooky's time. “Ansel, asseblief!”

“Kan jy my blameer?” “Ja ek kan, jy het nie nodig om kommentaar op alles te lewer nie!”

“Wel dis nie niks nie is dit?”

“Robert! Jesus Christ.”

“Billy, get yourself back here!”

“Lyk my hulle het jou geskenk gekry.” “'N waarskuwing.”

Shots are fired. They hit the wall next to Jan and Ansel.

“Waarskuwing sê jy?”

"Waarheid te sê, ek het nie regtig gedink dit gaan werk nie.”

“Ja, wel, hulle eet mense. Dis te verstane.”

“Come on out you slimy sack of shit! We have you surrounded.”

“Yeah. We promise we won't hurt you.”

“Blimey, what kind of promise is that? We're gonna skin this cunt alive!”

“You hear that Mister van Vuuren? The best you could do now is give up.”

“Or turn your guns on your ugly monkey face!”

Laughter erupts. One of the good 'ol boys has helped Richard back onto his feet. What? He's English?

“So, wat's die plan?”

“Ek het 'n idee.”

Jan fires a few times from behind the wall.

He's not hitting anything. Firing, blindly if you will.

“Haha, is this guy fucking blind?”

“I wouldn't say that. No.” “Ek hoop dit werk.”

“Wel, dis nie as of ons iets het om te verloor nie.”

“John!”

“John!”

“What the hell is he doing?”

“I'm not sure.”

“John!”

“John!”

“There he goes again, what does he think he'll accomplish with this?”

“JOHN!” “Motherfucker, WHAT!” John jumps up, revealing himself in the process. Jan pulls his finger tight and John falls lifeless to the floor. “Het jou, jou bliksem.”

“Ansel, wat sê jy nou?”

“JAN!” Ansel disappears into the room next to them.

Not by her own will I might add.

“You killed my husband you twat, now I kill you!” That was Jennifer's voice!

“Killed your husband?! Dit was nie ek nie, dit was Jan! Jan, jy beter my kom help!”

“O, donner!” Another piece of the wall next to Jan breaks apart as a couple of bullets tear into it.

“Jesis! Ek moet eers hier klaar maak. Moenie worry nie Ansel, ek kom!”

Jan's voice echoes through the house. Ansel is being dragged through the house, her voice muffled from the brown textile bag covering her head. “Ja, Jan. Dis wat jy altyd sê.”

"Ooh, you've done it now, bitch. I'm going to skin you alive.”

“Weet jy ooit met wie jy sukkel, Khaki?”

“I'm sorry but my ability to understand your piss poor mumbo jumbo left me when you set my husband on fire.”

“You'll meet your husband in the afterlife soon enough.”

“Oh, so you can speak my language?” Ansel is dropped onto the ground.

“Rosa! Oh Rosa, dear. Please join us in the living area, would you?” The hail of bullets and bad language still filling the air. Rosa scurries in from wherever she hid herself.

“Oh, Rosa.”

“Yes Miessies.”

“Not Miesies, Miss, your highness or Massa Wife.

Massa Wife, I like that.”

“Yes, Massa Wife.”

“Be a dear, Rosa, and get the table ready would you?”

"Now then.” Jennifer turns around to find the spot where she had left Ansel to be empty.

Well not entirely, Ansel did leave her the brown bag. “huh?”

“Looking for me, bitch?” Ansel is on the other side of the room. “BITCH! Well I never.”

Ansel smiles and proceeds to carelessly swing her hand through the air towards Jennifer as if conducting an orchestra. A cupboard follows her lead and pushes Jennifer up against the wall hard. “Uh...”

“Ek het jou gewaarsku...”

“You're a witch?” “hmmhmm.”

“This is going to be fun.”

Jennifer pushes the cupboard back and it shatters against the opposite, “I'm a witch as well.” “agge nee my fok man.” Jennifer lowers herself down from the wall. “That's right. And here I was worrying this was going to be easy.”

“Silly rabbit.”

“Tricks.” “are” “for” “Kids.”

Meanwhile Jan has decided to choose Ansel over revenge and has promptly followed in her footsteps. Only to happen upon something he's learned over time that he'd rather not interfere with. The floor seems to have grown arms and it's hands are holding onto Ansel, mid air. Jennifer opposite Ansel obviously to blame for this, roughed up pretty badly.

"Ansel...”

“Jan. Gaan nou dadelik terug eetkamer toe.”

“Wat? Eks moeg vir daardie Khaki's, ek't gekom om jou te red.”

“Ek het nie jou nodig om my te red nie, ek is nie onhandig nie.” Jan focuses on her current predicament.

“Ag toe. Ek het nie nou tyd vir jou slimheid nie. Gaan!”

“Is this the man that took my Robert from me?”

“No! Jan hardloop!”

Jan is thrown back, stuck to the wall behind him.

“Eina!”

“Let him go and I'll give myself up.”

“Ansel! Wat dink jy doen jy?”

“Jan, ek het gesê hardloop vir 'n flippen rede.”

“Ek kan haar vat.”

“Nee, nee jy kannie.”

“Ek het ook 'n paar talente of het jy vergeet?”

“Jy het niks nie, man! Listen to me!”

“Do you know why the flesh of your people is the sweetest?”

“Wil ek weet?!”

“It's because you taste like the bush veld, like a warm summers breeze, you taste like hope.”

“Wel, dankie. Ek dink.”

“Yes, we've had meat all over. My Robert, he is...was, more partial to Native American meat. Not as savage and witless as the nigger. But savage none the less.”

Jan feels his insides burning up. “Ansel...”

“Jy beter hom laat gaan!”

“Why?” “Want ek wil nie weer sien-” Jan begins to boil.

“Argh...eina, JESIS!” “Stop dit!, Stop dit! Asseblief, ek smeek jou!”

“What's this? You feel for this man do you?”

“Asseblief!” steam rises from Jan's body as the life begins to vacate.

“He will leave this plane as my Robert did.”

“NEE!” Jan passes out.

“What have you done?”

“I've taken him from you.”

“Nee, jy het nie. Jy het die grootste fout van jou fokken lewe gemaak.”

“What, what do you mean?”

“Ons moet gaan.” Ansel breaks loose from her chains.

“What?! But how?!”

“Dit kom en dit gaan.” Ansel kicks Jennifer in the jaw as she's coming down. She sends Jennifer flying.

“As jy opstaan, sal ek jou hel toe stuur.”

"Bu...But a moment ago, you were helpless.”

Ansel falls down next to Jan and pulls his limp body up into her arms.

“Soos ek vir Jan gesê het, ek is nie onhandig nie.”

“Bu, but why didn't you stop me?”

“Want Jan is soos perd met 'n spyker in sy poot.

Stoot hom 'n bietjie en hy breek jou rug.”

“I, I don't understand...”

“Jy sal gou genoeg. Luister, as jy my nie help om hom te kalmeer nie gaan ons almal in 'n gat in vanaand.”

“What, what do you mean?” Ansel breaks open Jan's shirt, his chest covered in blood.

“Het jy dit gedoen?”

“N, Not that I'm aware off.” Ansel wipes the blood away.

“Wha, What the hell is that?”

“This is what we have to stop.”

“Or what?”

“Het ek nie klaar gesê nie? Or we all die, dit moet goed genoeg vir jou wees.” The wind begins to pick up. “Kom! Ons het nie meer baie tyd nie! Help my.”

“What can I do?”

“We need to seal it away.”

“Blood magic?”

“Ja, kom!”

Ansel pulls Jan onto his back, Jennifer crawls towards them, each witch taking a side next to Jan. “Ho, How do you want to do this?” The furniture has taken to the air, some of it being thrown against the wall. “Ek sal leiding neem, volg jy net.” And there it is again. Or once more I should say, as I snap back into the body of another man. Another time, another place, the music though, is the only thing that stays the same.

CODE RED. Yells the doctor as they try and defibrillate. Ansel opens her mouth, and I can see. I'm not sure anymore. Unsure of myself. Am I writing this subconsciously or is this coming from somewhere else? I don't know. Elvis has started playing in the background, once again, I cope.

ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE. Ek wonder of ek sterk genoeg is?

“Barat esla managa visan elroga kareda milanorta sceala nor sect. Sê dit saam met my nou, dis reg, hou jou hande uit bo oor sy bors.

Ja,”

“I, I-” “Don't worry, your hands will start bleeding on their own.” Jeniffer begins her chant. And for a second Spooky realizes that his sunglasses has nothing on this.

“Barat esla managa visan elroga kareda milanorta sceala nor sect!” Ansel nods approvingly. Jan is still stable, his eyes moving, but, protected by the thin layer flesh that all of us have. It’s when the light enters his pupils when things go awry, “Moeder, hoor ons gebed.” Jennifer begins again. “Barat esla managa visan elroga kareda milanorta sceala nor sect!”

"Weer,” “Barat esla managa visan elroga kareda milanorta sceala nor sect!”

“Moeder, hoor ons roep.” Things go awry, Jan's eyes shoot open, pale , figure less.” Richard enters the room with his thugs, his boy tagging along to make sure his father doesn't fall over.

“What, what's the meaning of this?! JENNIFER?!”

“Ric...Richard stay back!” Richard's eyes fall on Jan's shaking body.

“What are you doing Jennifer?”

“No time to speak, we have to stop him before things go mad!”

“Isn't it mad already?” Jennifer begins again. “Barat esla managa visan-” but is interrupted by a gunshot.

Ansel lowers her eyes for a moment. There's smoke rising from Jan's head. A hole, where brow once was.

The king has left the building. In walks Alison, wailing like a banshee.

Have you noticed the rivers and the clocks, they're not moving?

What about the birds you got stuck on your ceiling, chirping?

“He's dead?” Ansel moves her eye's back up to Jennifer. Richard holds the smoking gun. I breathe in but I choke, little things make a landslide go. If I knew just the pin to hold in I'd build walls. “You had it coming!” and you know, you know I would Blood runs from Jan's tear ducts. And so the black storm comes.

The roof tears itself from its neck, the outside blowing in, the walls tearing down bone for bone, leaving a hole where body once- Ansel bursts out into tears, her attention on Jan, at all times, Jennifer has already left, her body remains but she's left herself wet. “Barat esla managa visan elroga kareda milanorta sceala nor sect!”

“Fa-Father!”

“I...I shot him!” Richard pulls his finger stiff once more. And then again, and again. Jan's body now riddled with bullets, yet, he still lives.

“I don't understand?”

“Jy kan Jan nie dood maak nie Khaki. Hy sal ons nooit verlaat nie, NOOIT NIE!” And then, the portal opens up, and it starts sucking everything in. Swallowing the little things, unfixable, terrible little things. What is this nightmare I am swept up in? The good ol boys do the only rational thing they can think off. They fire, and they fire hard. But like the furniture, it has no effect. Jan's face now covered in blood, the portal bears fruit. And, out reaches an arm, and then another, hands, crab like, infantile, elongated and hungry. Skin like that of an alligator, head like that of a bandaged devil. It reaches our plane. Chain dragging along behind him like little Franklin, now hanging from his fathers arm. They fire again, no effect. It's a Bridge Thing. It's skin swallowing the bullets as they enter him. Ansel does not dare look. This has happened once before. My hand is faster than the pen but the end has been written down. Still the ink will not dry, undermined by a hope that I'm wrong.

It skips them, and heads for the back. It's eyes only once lingering on Jan and his mystical companion.

"OPEN UP!” “OPEN UP!” “Moeder, hoor my gebed! Moeder, hoor my gebed!” Richard grabs his boy and head for safety behind his men. But they are not his goal. Guns are turned to heads and triggers are pulled, and the queen is left exposed as the Bridge Thing enters her gates.

“Uh, uh. You shall not have him, no!” Richard decides to run, but you cannot outrun its chain. Before Richard even reaches the dining room, he is without Franklin's tight grasping hands.

I see your roses grew noses and noses go and get broken And there's a hope, there's a place, there's a sickened feeling Franklin hits the floor, he has a new destination now, he gets pulled to the Bridge Thing.

I look into the space that defaced my belief in Where we are, what it means, and what did you say your name was?

Well say it again "Father?”

“Franklin! I'm coming. I'm coming!”

But before Richard can reach his son, he is pulled away from him. Like a human taunting a cat, Richard runs hopelessly after his sickly child.

“FRANKLIN!” The Bridge Thing enters the doorway once more. Ansel has done it. It jerks on Franklin's chain and Franklin is pulled towards the hole wherein it finds itself. “Daddy!”

“Yes son?” Richard on his knees by now.

“I, I'm scared, where am I going?”

“I, I don't, I don't know my son.”

Franklin is pulled into the ruby wax colored window.

It closes behind him, lost forever, “Son?! My SON!” Ansel comes over on top of Jan. His wounds healed.

Mind is faster than pen but the end is so stupid Like bubblegum in your hair isn't fair but it smells good Breathe in but you choke, but you choke on a mouthful Of everything that you hoped, that you hoped was not there But it's here, it's here

JGL NIEUWOUDT 2014

NEXT: PART 2:

Obsession Possession:

The Conclusion.

IH

Need Advice?

Baka Spot

Contact Nurse Joy TODAY!

ASK!

Email: ichigekimag@gmail.com Subject: Nurse Joy

Nurse Joy Dear Nurse Joy, I've been reading your column and thought I'd Nurse Joy. write in anonymously.

I was sixteen years old when I had my baby. I mean, you'd like to think that it was out of love, if love could be substituted for cocaine and cheap wine. You'd think that I'd at least have a man in my life, but I don't. I mean it's not because lack of trying, I put myself out there as much as I can, I go out every Tuesday, Friday and Saturday night. Go to church on Sundays, you'd think you'd meet a nice enough man there, but no. My son is seven years old this year, and I raised him without a daddy thus far. But I do get lonely and the extra help would be appreciated. It's just that men seem to run away whenever I bring Bobby up. He's a good kid. He started school this year and the teachers already say he's so very bright. I'm thinking of using the internet to find a man. But, I must confess. I've heard horror stories where girls get kidnaped and raped by Nigerians. I don't want to be one of those girls. Please help.

Lonely Petal.

Dear Lonely Petal, I was inspired when I read your story. The internet can be a dangerous place, but luckily, there are some legit places where you can find a real man. You could try pretending to be a Russian Import Bride or try ashleymadison.com - a great place to find a daddy for bright Bobby! Good luck, Love, as always, Nurse Joy.

I'm an Otaku chick looking for love. I'm hot.

Everybody says so at school. I've dated older men, but they are only after one thing and while that is fun, I've had to do some things I'm not proud of. I want a man, a real man, who loves everything I do. Who doesn't smoke, doesn't watch sports, don't listen to country music and love anime as much as I do. Oh and he needs to be hot, don't want a fat guy. Or a black guy. I'm a desi girl (Indian ^.^â&#x20AC;?) who likes to be pampered.

Lovely Trish.

Dear Lovely Trish, What a dilemma.

Love, as always, Nurse Joy

Nurse Joy.

Joy,

Are you a guy?

Your advice is insane and dangerous.

Please stop.

If so.

GAAAY! Curious.

Dearest Heart, Unfortunately, I am in a very actively sexual relationship with Brock.

Love, as always, Nurse Joy. P.S might I suggest ashleymadison.com to you?

Have fun!

Nurse Joy. I went to rAge this year and hooked up with a cosplayer. She had blonde hair. Not sure. Got drunk at the mall.

Offered her weed, opened her legs.

Oh, I was tested positive for HepC. Sorry.

Weedguy Weedguy, Oh my! What a way to break it to her.

Ichigeki Hissatsu will go about locating this girl, we will forward the information to you via email. It would be a good idea to notify her on her Facebook page, the people deserve to know. So no one else can get sick.

The end is upon us.

Love, as always, Nurse Joy

Worried.

Dear Worried, Thank you for visiting the PokeCentre.

Your Pokemon are now fully healed.

Please come again.

Love, as always, Nurse Joy

In The Next Issue

Ichigeki Hissatsu says farewell to Naruto with some very special giveaways!