Dissolving Our Limiting Boxes

Dissolving Our Limiting Boxes

Mitch Savoie Hill, CPC

By: Mitch Savoie Hill, CPC, SavHill Consulting, LLC (Based on her TEDx Talk, “Which Box Do I Check?)

Boxes. We put people and ourselves in limiting boxes every day or try to. These boxes act as shortcuts to thinking or digging deep and getting to know the people around us, our teams, clients, etc., thus creating a spirit of separation and non-inclusion.

They say that people will have a solid impression of who you are within the first seven seconds of meeting. Seven Seconds!

But did you know that a more recent series of experiments by Princeton psychologists revealed that all it takes is a tenth of a second to form an impression of a stranger from their face? A tenth of a second?!

So that means that you see my face, and within a tenth of a second, you have told yourself a story about me, about who I am.

As a leadership coach, of course, I encourage my executive clients to be aware of how they are showing up, putting their very best faces forward. I understand how image affects business. I don’t make the rules, but I will certainly help my clients succeed within those rules.

But what about the assumptions people make based on things you can’t control, such as your race, gender, body type, physical ability challenges, or where you are from?

I remember the day the Latin pop star Selena died. I was working as a waitress at a theme restaurant in NYC. I wore Levi’s 501 blue jeans and t-shirts as my uniform—very rock ‘n’ roll. Rock ‘n’ roll was what I was all about.

The day Selena died, a fellow waitress approached me, “Did you hear about Selena? What do you think?” She was eager for my commentary.

My response shocked her, “Who is Selena?”

I had never heard of her. I did not immerse myself in the daily news, a survival habit I adopted early in life.

The red-headed waitress looked at me in shock and disbelief.

“Selena! The Spanish pop star?”

Ahhh, Spanish- a very common and erroneous label. Selena was Mexican American, not Spanish. Oh, I’m sure there were Spanish roots in her family history, but she was not from Spain. She didn’t even speak Spanish until she was prompted to do so for the purpose of her music career. I had heard it before - if you spoke Spanish, you were labeled “Spanish.” It is akin to labeling an English-speaking person “British.”

My colleague came to me as her first point of reference because I was one of the only servers at the restaurant who spoke Spanish. How could a “Spanish” person not know who Selena was? Didn’t I listen to that kind of music?

The assumption that I would be able to comment on Selena was incredibly annoying. It hit a nerve in me that had been pulsing for years. I was just as American as she was! I was born in the USA, brought up with MTV and American radio. I played Led Zeppelin and Guns N’ Roses on my guitar. A Metallica poster hung on my wall.

I was nineteen and reeling in my own cultural crisis. Why couldn’t I just be American like everyone else who grew up like me? Well, because the truth was that they did not grow up like me – in Little Havana, Miami – almost a country of its own. Even in Little Havana, being white was considered being “Americana.”

When I was a teenager listening to rock music and watching TV, the women celebrated in music videos were blonde with long feathery hair and skinny hips. Even the Telemundo soap opera stars looked like this. Women who looked like me were considered ugly. At least that is the message that was constantly piped through the media and even in my family. My great-grandmother was black – Afro-Cuban. I inherited her curly hair and voluptuous hips. As a child, I was told those things were curses; my curly hair was referred to as “Pelo malo” (bad hair).

I felt ugly. I felt that my Afro-Cuban roots were considered inferior. Furthermore, I was not able to easily identify with any one thing – not Black, not totally White, not really Cuban, and not American enough.

How many times in a day do you find yourself making snap judgments, putting someone in a box, ignoring that there is a whole story to each person that we do not know unless we dig deeper?

Have you ever felt boxed in by one of these many things you can’t control?

We all have at one point or another.

To this day, I hate filling out government paperwork where they ask, am I: Black, White, Hispanic, and one added recently – White (Non-Hispanic) – Why do they have to call that one out specifically? I don’t see Black (Non-Hispanic).

What if, like many first-generation Americans born of immigrant parents, I am all of those and none of those?

In life, this boxed mentality is the basis of teams not cooperating well, miscommunications, failed expectations, failed businesses, and in the worst-case scenario, war.

In hospitality and meeting planning, understanding the stories behind the people you serve is the basis of successful execution of stellar service. We must understand our client’s needs, wants, and intricate backgrounds to provide an exceptional experience. That is how we stand apart.

But how? How do we ask deep and sometimes uncomfortable questions to get to know the person in front of us?

How do we expand our limited views due to our conscious or unconscious biases (and we ALL have them)?

That is a great question and a great place to start.

When I coach leaders and teams on engaging their clients and teammates, I spend some time first getting them

to understand the basics of genuine engagement – being present, connecting, and communicating. It is the only way to truly enter into a discussion and to have deep, if uncomfortable, conversations that lead to expanding our cultural and emotional intelligence.

Debate vs. Discussion

When I facilitate DEI roundtables and “real talks,” I begin by clarifying the importance of being willing to have a beginner’s mind, ready to be vulnerable and to have a discussion, not a debate. A debate is Win/Lose, while a discussion is Win/Win.

Labels

One way we put someone in a box is by labeling them, tokenizing them. It is another shortcut to doing the more profound work.

I once had a colleague ask me, “Well then, what is the best way to approach you to ask for the Latina’s perspective?”

To which I replied: “Well, you can’t. You see, you won’t get the Latina’s perspective from me. You will only get Mitch’s perspective.”

My perspective may or may not be similar to other firstgeneration Latinas like me, but I am ME, complete with my own unique experiences, education, adversities, likes, and dislikes. You cannot put a label on me and expect me to speak for a whole group. I can only speak for myself. If you want to see if there is a shared perspective, you can talk to many Latinas, watch movies directed by Latinas, and read some books authored by Latinas. Maybe then you will start to see the similarities. Most people don’t want to do that much work. It is easier to go for the quick answer.

The point is that there is no easy, quick-fix route to understanding the people around you, in your team, or on your client list.

You have to take the time and have those deep conversations.

If you feel unclear, ask more questions – go deeper. The more questions you ask, the more you will learn. This understanding will lead you to develop great ideas and creative solutions.

I was having a conversation about this very subject with a diverse group of friends during a Game Night. The White American male in the group asked,

“Why do we have to have all these specific labels anyway? Why can’t we just treat everyone with respect?”

I said, “Hey! That’s exactly what my TEDx Talk is about!”

To which he replied, apathetically, “It doesn’t matter. People just won’t learn. How do you even get them to listen?”

I looked at my good friend tenderly and said, “That’s a great question! The answer is by continuing to engage in conversations like this among diverse friends, family, and corporate settings.”

Perhaps I am an optimist. I am also a coach who has seen the positive effects of good coaching and deep, facilitated conversations. I know it is happening. Plenty of people are listening and are willing to learn.

The boxes will only dissolve when people can see beyond the labels and understand the bigger story. Keep telling your stories. Keep educating those who are open to learning. Keep asking deep questions and expanding your cultural and emotional intelligence. The results will be invaluable!

How To Have An Uncomfortable Conversation

Many of my clients ask, “But how do you have an uncomfortable conversation?”

Here is how:1. With grace

2. With genuine interest and attention

3. With the intention of learning something new

4. With the use of openended, non-threatening questions

5. With a childlike curiosity and wonder

It sometimes takes a lot of coaching, but it can be done successfully if you know those basic steps. If you are asking the right questions and focusing on the person in front of you, their experiences, likes, and dislikes, you will then start to truly understand that you cannot put anyone in a box and therefore stop offering “boxed” solutions or services.