KISSERM THE HULL AND EAST RIDING LADS MAG
GIRLS - GADGETS - GAMES - SPORT - MUSIC - FILMS - COMEDY
PLUS: SCARLET LIGHTS / REVIEWS / JUSTIN WHITTLE / TOP CLOBBER
THE HULL AND EAST RIDING LADS MAG HI! SO WE’RE BACK AGAIN WITH ANOTHER FREE LADS MAGAZINE FOR THE HULL AND EAST RIDING AREA. THIS IS ISSUE 2, IF YOU MISSED ISSUE 1 - UNLUCKY, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY; HELLO! STICK WITH US. WE’VE HAD SOME GREAT FEEDBACK FROM ISSUE 1, THANKS FOR ALL YOUR ACE WORDS OF KINDNESS. WE’VE TRIED TO TAKE IN AS MUCH OF YOUR ADVICE AS POSSIBLE TO MAKE THE MAG BETTER FOR YOU AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CONTINUE TO GET IN-TOUCH AND INVOLVED! SEND IN NEWS, INFO, LETTERS, PICTURES, JOKES ETC... KNOW ANY HOT WOMEN? GET THEM INTOUCH! WE’RE ALWAYS ON THE LOOK OUT FOR NEW MODELS EMAIL email@example.com THIS MONTH SEE’S A GREAT LINE-UP IN KISSER: WE’VE GOT THE LOVELY JADEY AS PART OF OUR 2-PART ‘CIRCUS FEATURE’, REVIEWS OF SPAMALOT, MILES KANE AND NME RADAR TOUR, A GREAT UPDATE OF ALL THE SPORTING GOINGS-ON IN THE AREA, REVIEWS OF SOME BRILLIANT EATERIES and BARS, GADGETS, GAMES, MUSIC ...AND MUCH MUCH MORE FUN INSIDE!
This magazine contains adult content and is for people aged 16 and over. Not all the comments made are that of Kisser Magazine and we will not be held responsible for any content you may disagree with. Views expressed are those of the writers not necessarily those of the magazine. All content and rights; Kisser Magazine Ltd.
IN THIS MONTH’S...
FUNNY AND/OR INTERESTING TOP CLOBBER GADGETS GAMES COMEDY/MUSIC PHILL JUPITUS FEMALE FEATURE SPORT JUSTIN WHITTLE SPEAKS REVIEWS/GOING OUT/WHAT’S ON MISSUS ON YER BACK? CONFESSIONS
M FEMALE FEATURE
MISSUS ON YER BACK?
....PLUS MUCH MORE
THAT’S A BIT FUNNY INTERESTING... A couple from Isreal have recently hit the news headlines around the world after they decided to name their child ‘Like’ after the Facebook ‘Like’ button. Apparently the couple wanted a name that was ‘modern and innovative’ we were a bit baffled by this story, so can see why it may have made news worldwide, as it’s quite odd. We then found out the couple also have two other daughters, one of which is named... Pie! yes, that’s right, Pie! We’re now wondering why ‘Like’ made worldwide news and the naming of ‘Pie’ didn’t! We’d love it if the 3 daughters went on to form a ZZ Top style band, with Like and the other being really fat, with Pie being the only skinny one in the band - geddit? SOURCE: YAHOO NEWS
A planned TV series of ‘Wonder Woman’ has now been scrapped. A pilot episode had been shown and the series set to be broadcast, but TV bosses have scrapped it due to complaints about the pilot episode. If like us, after hearing that news you’re thinking ‘bloody American bible belt complaining about bouncing breasts on a running woman’, you’re wrong! Apparently the yanks take their super heroes far more seriously - in fact the show gained the majority of it’s complaints because actress Adrianne Palicki was wearing blue trousers, rather than Wonder Woman’s famous white stars hot pants! We say re-film and give the people what they want! SOURCE: YAHOO NEWS/WORLDOFSUPERHEROES.COM
A Chinese bloke has turned his Nissan into a replica of the new Lamborghini Aventador!
It took Ha San (the blokes name) 12 days to convert the body of his 1995 Nissan banger into a replica of Lamborghini’s latest supercar. Quite impressive when you learn it only cost him the equivalent of £8 quid! It even has upwards sliding doors! All he needs is a paint job and bob’s yer uncle! Go on my (Ha) San! SOURCE: CARENTHUSIAST.CO.UK
Vicky Beckham is due again soon. Rumour is she’s picked out another place-name. This time she has picked out the name... Bridlington! ...No, we’re only kidding - she’s picked out ‘Atlanta’. We can hear Dave in his squeaky cockney accent now; “Aww Victoria, is it ‘cause I had my best game on loan at Milan against Atalanta?
There seems to be a new kick-ass craze sweeping the world at the moment (you’ll notice the pun we just did in a sec) - that craze being normal everyday people acting as ‘superheroes’. There is a group in New York, USA going by the names of; Nitro, Shortcut, Zero, Samaritan Prime and Battlestar. They wear costumes and go round ‘fighting crime’ on skateboards. A Brit known as ‘The Statesman’ drives around Birmingham in his Punto with a facemask on and a skin-tight Union Jack top. There is also Pheonix Jones, a superhero based in Seattle, USA and the best is the ‘Neighbourhood Ninja’ - protecting the citizens of...... Royal Tunbridge Wells! haha. The Neighbourhood Ninja is said to have ‘prevented garage break-in’s’ and ‘has helped many elderly ladies across the road’, even having time to ‘get his mates cat out of a tree’. He’s informed local police his patrol areas are ‘Homebase, the Bedford pub and the local shopping centre’. All we can say is; We hope Hull get’s one soon - We’d love to see a mouthy scrote being taught some by a bloke in a leotard. SOURCE: BBC NEWSBEAT IN BRIEF: A woman from Michigen, USA has been arrested after she put her 2 year old on Ebay! She
said she ‘did it as a joke’ because she was ‘just trying to see how this ‘reserve met’ thing works’ - Crazy! Lovemoney.com have done a survey on the Top 10 fraud hotspots in the UK... and they’re all down South! It’s grim ‘oop North don’t y’know!?? 1 Woolwich (London) 2 East Ham (London) 3 Victoria St (London) 4 Lewisham (London) 5 Cheapside (London) 6 Reading 7 Ilford 8 Tooting (London) 9 High Wycombe 10 Stratford (London)
ELSEWHERE: After recently splitting with his wife, due to admitting he’d done the deed with a ‘houseworker’...Oh and admitting he’d had a secret love child with her, Arnie Schwarzenegger is set to make a comeback in movies! Arnie has admitted he’s been asked to do a sequel to The Running Man (not sure how they’d follow it on, and will Arnie run with a zimmerframe?), He’s also been asked to star in a new Terminator movie - seriously? How will that one work then, we can only see Arnie’s role looking something a bit like this>>>>>>>>>>>>>
YOUR COMMENTS AN HI KISSER, I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN MY FRIEND’S MUM’S SKILLS HOW ACE ARE THESE ‘ANGRY BIRDS’ CAKE POPS SHE MADE FOR ME. CHRIS L - HULL.
HEY KISSER, HERE IS A PIC OF ME BEFORE A NIGHT OUT WITH THE ONE AND ONLY EASTER EGG I GOT. IT SEEMS NOBODY WANTED TO SHELL OUT AND BUY ME ONE! OH AND THE NIGHT OUT WAS EGG-CELLENT! DAN A - HULL.
SEND IN YOUR COMMENTS AND PICS TO firstname.lastname@example.org
ND READERS’ PICS
READERS SNAPS! BELOW: TAKEN AT OUR LAUNCH PARTY - IT’S HULL’S VERY OWN AUSTIN POWERS!
GREAT TIP - JUST TAKE YOUR TOP OFF AND THE LADIES SWARM AROUND YOU NO MATTER HOW OLD OR DRUNK YOU ARE - BRILLIANT.
ABOVE: THE BAR STAFF IN DUICE ARE VERY FLEXIBLE INDEED - WE KNOW WHAT SHE DOES FOR A PARTY TRICK! BELOW: ALL THE YOUNG DUDES... HE REMEMBERS THE DAYS. BOOGIE NIGHTS!
LIAM GALLAGHER’S PRETTY GREEN (BLACK LABEL) - HARRINGTON - DIAS (HESSLE) - £216
FRED PERRY - TAPE BAND SHORTS - SIZE? (HULL) - £49.99
Most people these days seem to have either an iPod or an iPhone and with many accessories available to suit these products, it’s often a process of thought into which ones to actually buy. Ok, this product is nowhere near being the best at what it is meant for, but if you want something that does it’s job and looks cool, here you go.
iGHOST iPOD DOCKING SPEAKER - KRCS (APPLE - HULL) - £36
We remember getting a Sega Megadrive and been blown away with how ‘amazing’ and ‘mega’ it was. It’s crazy to think this tiny box that you just plug straight into your TV contains 4 Sonic games, plus Alex the Kid (the memories!) ...plus, even more games like Air Hockey, Checker and Naval Power.
SONIC NANO ARCADE - 10 GAMES - RED5 (HULL) - £15
GAMES! provided by: THIRTEEN1
GEARS OF WAR 3 Epic’s mega Xbox 360 franchise has launched its online beta and, well, it’s looking awesome! Fans of the first two Gears of War games will be happy to know the chainsaw-wielding battles are as brutal as ever, and there are tons of new finishing moves to use when laying the smackdown on Locust scum. Gears of War 3 is due later this year, but if you get a chance to jump into this mad multi-player beta first - do it!
THE FIRST TEMPLAR Strategy developer Haemimont Games have made the brave move of switching to an action/ adventure/RPG hack-fest with their latest release, The First Templar. Reversing the role from similar-yet-not-quite-ripped-off franchise Assassin’s Creed, The First Templar has you playing a crusader in the olden times when massacring for religion was a jolly pastime. It’s a lot like Assassin’s Creed with some cool moments and enough originality to stand on it’s own. The price is pretty peachy too.
OPERATION FLASHPOINT: RED RIVER This is one for you FPS purists. Operation Flashpoint: Red River is tougher than a donkeys backside (don’t ask us how we know that..), and that’s exactly why this is one of the sleeper hits of the year. Forget the computer-assisted action of Call of Duty and Battlefield - this game puts you in realistic wartime situations with some seriously difficult-yet-awesome action to battle through. Oh, and there’s more effing & blinding than a dockers meeting!
FOR A MORE INDEPTH REVIEW AND OTHER GAMES, PLEASE VISIT: WWW.THIRTEEN1.COM
Morning campers, And so we begin our second column for you this month and we can’t lie, we’re feeling lucky to be here as it was only two weeks ago that we returned from Tenerife; we won’t ‘beheading’ back there any time soon! (Apologies!) So…this olympic torch….a year to get to Hull??? Who’s carrying it? Heather Mills?! And whilst we’re on this; they say it never goes out? You’re not telling us that they’re gonna let someone on ‘Ryanair’ brandishing a lit torch when they won’t even allow Volvic?? Something about this story doesn’t sit right, much like Ryan Giggs at a truth party… And now to our main purpose on this earth – your problems: First we turn our attentions to Glen from Pocklington, Hi, ladies - I get nervous that I’m going to get sweaty and smell when on a night out, so I keep splashing myself with aftershave every 5 minutes whilst getting ready to cover any possible smell later - is there such a thing as putting too much on? In a word Glen – Yes; there is such a thing as putting on too much aftershave! Don’t feel bad, plenty of chicks do this too, but it’s gag city my friend, just don’t do it. Although it is a scientific fact that the body gives off its own natural scent – man scent! AKA sweat and there ain’t nothing us girls love more than a bit o’sweat! They’ll be all over you like flies ‘round shit son! Next up we have Max from Hull: Alright ladies! I’m off on holiday abroad soon and our lass says she wants us to go to the nude beach - I’ve never been to one before and I’m afraid I’ll get a stiffy in front of everybody! What should I do? Max, if you feel you’re getting a hard on, why don’t you just try the age-old trick of picturing your Mum?...Or, if your Mum’s fit…try picturing your Dad! However from personal experience it is doubtful that your visit will result in a hard-on; unless old men with sagging balls and women with knee tits is your thing? So there we have it, two more problem stricken men of our area’s lives bettered by our worldly experience! Don’t mention it!...If there’s anyone else out there needing our help, get your problems sent in and we’ll endeavour to fix you up.
The Scarlets x
want your problem solving by Scarlet Lights? send them in to email@example.com
Y O U R J
I buy a different brand of cling film every time I go to the shops. Just to keep things fresh.
Imogen Thomas has apparently launched a pop career - she’s doing Giggs in Manchester!
Pippa Middleton’s arse is like a JK Rowling book...
Dan - Hull
Terry - Driffield
You know Harry’s going to be in it.
S Liam W - Goole
COMING TO OUR AREA! JO CAULFIELD PAVE JUNE 5TH
JAMES REDMOND ROYAL HOTEL JUNE 10TH
GREG DAVIES HULL TRUCK THEATRE JUNE 13TH
Y O U R J O K E
Our son has been playing up recently and the wife said to me; “He’s turning out to be a right massive twat.” “Not surprising,” I replied, “as that’s where he came from.” “Yes,” she said, “he’s also a little prick.”
I can’t stand Jonathon Ross, so when I saw him at an airport the other day, I took my chance to tell him what I thought of him. I marched straight up to him and said “You know what mate, you’re a right, royal retard!” He looked a little stunned and replied “That’s easy for you to say!”
I got an e-mail from Google saying;
David L - near Brough
Tom - Skipsea
‘At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!’ I thought, “That’s just spam.”
S Ben - Bridlington
EMAIL IN YOUR JOKES!!! SEND YOUR JOKES TO: firstname.lastname@example.org
KISSER’S TUNES OF THE MONTH
[check out what’s been on the Kisser office stereo]
Aloe Blacc - I Need a Dollar Example - Changed The Way You Kiss Me Danny Byrd - Only Fools and Horses Theme Remix Miles Kane - Rearrange UPCOMING GIGS
WOLF GANG - FRUIT - 8/6/11
THE NEAT - FRUIT - 9/6/11
UK SUBS - PIPER - 11/5/11
GIG REVIEW: BELLERUCHE - FRUIT - 21/5/11 It’s back to Fruit to check out another band that have a good reputation and a bit of buzz about them. This time we’re here to review Belleruche, a three-piece consisting of guitarist/bassist, turntablist and singer. Kathrin, the band’s singer enter’s the stage and an applause goes up. She welcomes the crowd in her well-spoken tone, sounding a bit like Bridget Jones (our missus made us watch it!), Thankfully she doesn’t sing like her - Kathrin has an amazing voice and you can see everyone just lean back and gaze in awe of her talent. The band create a really good mix of old soul with a modern twist, which, after a few songs see’s members of the audience get up and start dancing. It was quite refreshing to see, as the audience were dancing with each other, rather than stood in file, facing the band, as usually happens at most gigs; seems Belleruche bring their own unique atmosphere to their live performances. Kathrin says she is grateful to have been asked to perform here. She says “Hull really is a beautiful city - quite a hidden gem, really”. The gig proves very enjoyable for all in attendance with great tunes such as ‘fuzz face’, ‘56% proof’ and the anthemic ‘Northern Girls’ - I hope they return to play again - those not here certainly missed out!
KISSER’S FILM OF THE PAST MONTH:
THOR. A Marvel Comics (studios) film, it is filmed and directed in a very similar fashion to the Iron Man movies and is in 3D, which adds to the effect of the film. There are some great effects and action scenes on show. The film is a little over-Americanised considering Thor is the Norse/ Viking god of thunder though. Thor get’s banished to earth at one point of the film, after a strong opening, this part of the film is a bit rushed we felt - but it’s at this point there are some great comical moments which fit in well with the film. We’ve also found out there is an extra bit after the credits! Quite annoying as there was no warning and the credits went on for quite a while. UPCOMING AT THE CINEMA: X-MEN:FIRST CLASS - We had some good feedback from readers about the totty featured in upcoming films, so we thought we’d do the same again, this time we feature the new X-Men film, which is doing a ‘Star Wars’ and showing the beginning of X-Men. So, onto the women, this film features: January Jones, the fitty who plays the White Queen - known for wearing quite revealing and seductive clothing. Also in the film playing Professor Xavier’s love interest; Moira MacTaggert (what a name! We can hear you all saying ‘there’s bin a mohder’ in your heads right now) played by Rose Byrne. The fit as fudge Jennifer Lawrence plays Mystique and Zoe Kravitz (Lenny’s daughter) play’s Angel. They’re all shown in order as mentioned, below. picture: pohdiaries.com
Other films set for release throughout June include: Screwed - a British drama about a prison warden - filmed at an old Victorian prison just up the road in Scarborough. Swinging with the Finkels - a comedy starring Martin Freeman & Mandy Moore about a couple looking to spice up their marriage. The Green Lantern - another comic book hero film, which will star Blake Lively of ‘Gossip Girl’ fame.
LOCAL ARTY TYPE? WANT YOUR ART/CRAFT/CREATIVE BUSINESS FEATURED? EMAIL: email@example.com
DAVID HOCKNEY BIGGER TREE’S NEAR WARTER
David Hockney’s ‘Bigger Tree’s near Warter’ - a painting of a scene, well, near Warter (an area in our region - close to Pocklington in case you didn’t know) is set to be exhibited at Feren’s Art Gallery in Hull from June 25th. It is a massive piece of work of many canvasses pieced together to create one big piece of work. It is 12 metres long and 4.5 metres high. IN OTHER NEWS: Hull has pulled off a massive coup by being announced as a host for the Royal collection of Da Vinci’s works for the Queen’s jubilee next year. The works will be featured in 5 locations across the UK - Hull being the only host in the North of England.
HULL & EAST RIDING
PHOTO: Skidby Mill FLICKR USER: Bill Anderson
PHOTO: Hessle Foreshore FLICKR USER: SammyDingle
KISSER Hello Phill, Have you ever been to Hull before? Obviously there is the old Housemartins connection…
Anywhere you like to visit whilst you’re here?
Well, it’s over 10 years since I was last in Hull, but I’ve always really liked Quite a lot actually, one its vibe. Are the old Humber of many places I’ve visited. I once did some ferries still going? I work as a cartoonist for like ferries; I often go on the ones on a little fanzine in Hull the Thames and for a few issues. the Mersey. What were you here for?
Just visits in general mainly, usually around the Newland Ave area. It was odd back then as a guy in his 20’s from the South visiting a Northern city, there is nothing that can prepare you for the cultural shift. I’ve always liked Hull though, it always seems tuned in. People ask ‘what was it like in Hull?’ And I’d say “It’s like being in the North… people actually say ‘Hello’ to you!” Do you have a favourite memory of Hull? Yes, one I won’t forget. It was the night The Redskins were set to play the Trade & Labour club. The drummer left the band that night and the drummer from Hull band ‘Reaction’, later to become ‘Three Action’ stepped in to replace him. I got to play tambourine for The Redskins in their warm-up to the gig – my 5 minutes in The Redskins.
When I get to say lines from the film. It’s just sheer geek amusement from me, as I’m getting to act out the same lines I used to do when I was a kid watching the film.
What is your favourite part of being on tour?
Getting to stay in the places for a week. It gives me a chance to get to know places Afraid not, there and the people better. are plans to reI think I’ll finally get build the Lincoln chance to go see the Castle with Hull Truck Theatre, as salvaged parts, but I think I’ve sponsored that’ll be in a few a toilet door there and years’ time. We I’ve not seen it yet. have ferries to the Netherlands and You’re a Belgium though! Nevermind the Buzzcocks legend I don’t think I’ll be – who has been going that far… or your favourite have time to. guest of all time? So, Spamalot; How did you get into playing the role of King Arthur? I was asked to do it. Many people are surprised I took on the role as the mum in the Hairspray musical, but from that people saw I could act a bit as well as hold a tune. As an individual and a big Monty Python fan, I wasn’t sure about doing it at first, then I saw it and saw that it is very much a musical in it’s own right. What is your favourite part of playing the role?
Terry Wogan. He’s been on 3 times now, twice as a guest and once as host. It was pure effortless stuff and I think the show he hosted is my favourite show we’ve done, as he took our shitty little pop quiz so seriously, and I don’t think anyone has ever done that before. Do you have an all-time favourite moment from the show? Yes. The time Simon Amstell made a certain well known joke about Courtney Love. Nobody could believe he’d said it. People said I was unprofessional for
laughing at it, but I like to just sit back and laugh at the guys around me. Noel Fielding is a very funny bloke, as is Bill Bailey. Did you ever touch Mark Lamaar’s hair? I never did. I kept at a respectable distance. He’s a very clean man, with a great dress sense. Has there ever been a guest who you were honoured to be on the show with? There has been people like Suzi Quattro, Noddy Holder, David Essex etc who I grew up with on the tele and the radio, but Marie Ann Faithful – she’s an amazing woman. You’re the only original member of the ‘Buzzcocks crew’ left – Do you feel like you’ve done one better than The Sugababes? Haha, I’m like an inverse Sugababes aren’t I? I’ve been fortunate to be part of the show for the length it’s been running, but it’s only tele...
moving lights and pictures. People get too into it sometimes and forget things aren’t live. I get people coming up to me saying ‘Oh, you were soo funny last night!’ and I’m like, ‘What, sat on the sofa eating a bag of crisps??!’ – what they were watching was probably filmed 6 months before. You’re known for being a big fan of music. If you could only ever listen to 3 bands for the rest of your life, who would they be? Ian Drury and The Blockheads, hmm… 3, probably something I’ve never really listened to before, so I’d have something new to listen to and something a bit different – probably the works of Mozart. Finally, probably the best of The Skatalites. We remember you for doing highlights to Glastonbury, usually talking reggae and/or ska. What is your favourite reggae/ska track and can you tell us about an upcoming new reggae/ska band to watch out for? Favourite Reggae track; Pheonix City by Roland Alphonso and Ska; a song called CussCuss, by Lloyd Robinson. A new Ska band? Check out Lee Thompson from Madness’ Ska Orchestra. You used to do a football column, who do you support and why?
I support West Ham, I grew up there and so they’re my local team (good answer – ed). I never played or watched football as a kid and discovered football in my 20’s. I liked the atmosphere, it was different to gigs. I don’t get much chance to watch as much live football these days as I’m always busy. I love to sit down and watch a good game of baseball now though – Boston Red Sox are my team.
Thanks for your time Phill! Spamalot is reviewed on page…49
X-Factor is set to return to our screens again, so everyone can first laugh at the useless no-marks and then get wrapped up in a competition cheering someone on, who they’re going to have forgot the name of within a year. Cheryl Cole isn’t featuring in the show, Tulisa from N-Dubz (left) is rumoured to be taking the ‘totty’ position amongst the judges. Fancy watching something a bit different? We’ve seen a few episodes of a new series called ‘Eddie Stobart: Trucks and Trailers’ - You’d be surprised how interesting a show about haulage trucks can be. Mad/weird/geeky truck pervs, deadlines and stories from truckers, such as those about the naming of the trucks, the pressures and the women flashing their boobs at them on the motorways. pictures (top to bottom: studentroom.co.uk / rhinocarhire.com)
a serious note: I like to go down Princes Avenue then old town then maybe Welly or Fruit Market to finish the night off. If you wanted the readers to buy you a drink, what would be your drink of choice? Jack Daniels... or a bottle of wine! What’s the worst chat-up line someone has tried on you? You must be tired ‘cause you’ve been running on my mind all night... What kind of blokes do you go for? Men with vagina’s! *smiles* Nah, I like men tall, dark, bit of size on them and excellent in bed...but my eyes are only for one man, my hunk of a boyfriend. Ok, we’re taking you on a date – but we’ve only got £10, how do we impress you?
Meet Jadey - She’s here in Issue 2 as Part 1 of our ‘Sexy Circus’ feature. Whilst she posed for us, we had a little chat about this and that...
Hi Jadey, how does I’d say sweet and lovit feel to be a Kisser ing. I can be quite loud, cover girl? love partying and playing mamma haha. I enjoyed doing the shoot, it was fun! Where do you like to go for a night out What type of perin our area? son would you say Feel free to have a you are, what’s your I prefer to stay in and character? play by myself ha ha, on read!
Put it all on red! *smiles* Do you like to be wined and dined, or do you prefer more of an ‘average Joe’ approach? Wined and dined of course!
“I prefer to stay in and play by myself!”
Ok, onto the bedroom â€“ what is a big turn on for you in bed? A good book, haha.
If you could give blokes one sex tip, what would it be?
Have you ever done anything with another woman?
Thereâ€™s more to life than anal!
I kissed a girl and I liked it! wink! wink!
Have you ever flashed on a night out? Hell no! You need to work to get these bad boys!
Who is your celebrity Is there anything girl crush? sex-wise that you havenâ€™t tried, but Rihanna - Iâ€™d like to would like to? stand under her umbrella, haha! Itâ€™s for that certain person to find out! wink! wink!
Do you like to tease a man, or get to the point? Teasing my motive, wink! I like to seduce before the action, so they last longer! Me no selfish lover! *smiles*
TOTTY IN TOWN
FITTY CITY: SNAPS OF THE REGIONS HOTTIES OUT ON THE TOWN
C.Cole - West Ham > Stoke
Seb Larsson - B’ham > N’castle
Scott Dann - B’ham > Liverpool
John Carew - Villa > Sunderland
Sylvain Distin - Everton > Spurs
Lee Camp - N.Forest > Aston Villa
Andy Lonergan - Preston > Wolves
Michael Chopra - Cardiff > Ipswich
HULL STINGRAYS May is a frustrating time in British ice hockey circles. With the ink not long dry on the pages of the history books dedicated to the 10/11 season; fans, coaches and players alike are forced to look forward to the long, agonising summer ahead and dream of what could be next season. For the Excel Hull Stingrays and player-coach Sylvian Cloutier that break means building a squad capable of bettering last years record seventh placed finish. Multi-year contracts in ice hockey are about as rare as celebrities unwilling to take out injunctions at the drop of a hat, particularly at clubs lower down the spectrum. Therefore, every May 90% of players in the country become free-agents and thus begins the annual scramble for signatures. Consequently, having completed his club’s best ever season, Hull coach Cloutier was forced into a mad dash to re-sign his best players before the big clubs swooped in with big offers. Having retained key 50 goal forward Jereme Tendler ‘Clouts’ signed three more players to his roster in April and added four more players last month, re-signing duo Christian Boucher and Jason Silverthorn, while adding GB junior international Jack Watkins and American forward Dominic Osman. 27 year old keeper Boucher, who joined the club after a championship winning year in Holland, re-signed for a second year in the city after a consistent but unspectacular first season in the UK, meanwhile fellow Canadian and versatile centre Silverthorn returns for his third year with the club and is similarly consistent game-in, game-out, frequently registering point-per-game seasons in the Elite League. New forward signings Osman and Watkins will line up together next season having signed from backgrounds that could barely contrast more. Watkins, a 17 year old winger, signed from the Telford Tigers with just two senior seasons under his belt, while Osman is a 29 year old Michigan native with more than 230 professional games under his belt. While fans will be counting down the days to opening face-off next September, with eight players signed and a further ten expected to sign – the majority of those new faces to the club – Cloutier has plenty of work to fill the next four months. BY Christian Ward aka @F_BLOCK_BLOG // check out his blog at: www.hullstingraysblog.blogspot.com
HULL FC Since the derby Hull FC have gone on an unbeaten run which has seen them lose only one of their last seven games, this has a coincided with the arrival of Martin Gleeson who has proved a shrewd signing for coach Richard Agar. First up was a tricky visit to the league leaders and top point scorers Warrington Wolves on the 25th April, after a shaky start and two early tries from the Wolves, Hull FC scored 24 unanswered points including a 70 metre interception try from the Will Sharp, and two Kirk Yeaman efforts to record an impressive 24-10 win. A week later on the 2nd may Hull FC entertained a depleted St Helens side at the KC stadium. Hull FC raced into an 18-0 lead with two tries from Kirk Yeaman and one from Tom Briscoe all converted by Danny Tickle. However the visitors hit back with four unanswered tries of their own. Kirk Yeaman completed his hat trick once again converted by Tickle with 7 minutes to go leaving the score at 24-22. But there was one more twist when the ref Steve Ganson gave a controversial penalty to St Helens in the dying seconds which Jamie Foster converted to end this enthralling encounter in a draw which arguably was a fair result for both teams. Next up on the 7th of May was the fourth round of the challenge cup and Hull FC entertained lower league opposition in Oldham. The result was never going to be in doubt it was just a case of how many as Hull FC showed Oldham a lot of respect by naming a near full strength team which also included debuts for Liam Kent and Jack Aldous. The black and whites eventually running out 82-0 winners scoring 15 tries in the process, Richard Whiting scoring two tries and kicking 11 goals from 15 attempts resulting in a 30 point haul for the full back. Hull FC took their recent run of form on the road to the Salford City Reds on the 13th may, who despite signing some good players in the off season are inconsistent in 2011 and who have just lost ex Hull coach Shaun McRae for health reasons. The Airlie birds started this game like a house on fire forcing an error from the kick off. Hull FC scored three tries in the first 11 minutes through Kirk Yeaman, Martin Gleeson and Tom Briscoe all converted by Tickle to make the score 18-0. The black and whites lost their direction after a blistering start due to early injuries to super leagueâ€™s top try scorer Kirk Yeaman and scrum half Sam Obst. But Martin Gleesonâ€™s second try of the evening after a spirited fight back from the Salford City Reds made the final score 3216 to the black and whites and their impressive run continued. The black and whites avoided a super league team in the draw for challenge cup 5th round, however they would have to travel down to the Widnes Vikings who have recently obtained a three year super league licence starting from the 2012 season. After a slow start from the black and Whites, their dominance and pressure eventually told when Richard Whiting went in for the opening try. The Widnes Vikings attempted to make a comeback scoring some good tries of their own however the black and whites scored a further eight tries with two a piece coming from Richard Horne and England international Tom Briscoe with the eventual score been 50-26 in favour of the black and whites. In the quarter final draw Hull FC got a tasty tie at the KC Stadium against the Leeds Rhinos in a repeat of the 2005 final which Hull FC won 25-24. Next up is a trip to the KC from the inform Huddersfield Giants who have ex Hull FC scrum half Danny Brough in a rich vein of form, this is followed by the third derby of the season at Craven Park a week later. BY JEDRUST
HULL KR This eventful season seems to have twists around every corner for Hull Kingston Rovers. Just 3 weeks ago as I write Rovers seemed to be at rock bottom both on and off the pitch. A depressing defeat at Wakefield, marquee signing Mason de-registered, East stand extension work ground to a halt. Driving back from Wakefield I listened to Justin Morgan sulk his way through an interview and it all was so depressing. A mere 22 days later I pick up a copy of Rugby League Express and Martyn Sadler is talking about ‘one of the best weeks Hull KR have ever had’. Well, Martyn, I wouldn’t maybe go quite that far. But it was most definitely the best week of 2011 ! We had a final and merciful ending to the ill fated Willie Mason affair, we had a very good win and performance at Salford in the Challenge Cup and best of all the stunning news of a 7 figure investment in Hull KR by Assem Allam. (Hull fans please note 7 figures means something between 1 million and 9.9 million. Gift means you can have it for nothing). Naturally for tax purposes it will be recorded as a loan. Now it seems the City of Hull’s ‘Big Screen’ decommissioned by the LibDem council has been acquired by Rovers for well, let’s say not much. It will become the new scoreboard and attract advertising revenue. The vital North Stand project is looking good, fingers crossed. The generosity of Mr. Allam should be welcomed and applauded by all Rovers fans it is a wonderful gesture which is not only his gift to East Hull (as he puts it) but also a massive show of confidence in Neil Hudgell. I was pleased to see that Mr. Hudgell will NOT put any of that money into players despite reports to the contrary. Personally I feel this is reward for the ‘local’ nature of the club whatever anyone says Hull KR is a local club run by local people who are passionate about the club and the city. As for the cynics who are desperate to believe there is something else on the agenda here - sorry you are wrong. On behalf of all Rovers fans and the people of East hull. Mr. Allam THANK YOU. Mr. Hudgell WELL DONE. (Thanks to Karl Turner too). Maybe it is time I focused on events on the pitch albeit far less dramatic! Rovers scored some great tries at York but.....it was only York. But I must say the display of goal kicking from Michael Dobson in that game was stunning. And we got a good look at second row prospect Jordan Cox and I tell you now this kid will be a top Super League player before too long. (I see he has now scored FIVE tries in the U20’s game against U20 league leaders Warrington.) We also had a female touch judge at York which didn’t seem to provoke any controversy or comment at all. Surely a tribute to the sport of Rugby League. Bradford arrived at Craven Park in dismal form and left it no different. Two wins in a row then but I don’t think many of us thought we were on a ‘roll’. The Salford game was much more convincing not least because it was far more important. A Stefan Ratchford inspired Salford threw lots at Rovers and wanted it badly but to no avail. This was like the Rovers of 2009 - very stubborn and then turn it on. Rovers ended up such convincing winners it was easy to forget how well Salford played for long spells. And so to Willie Mason. Gone but not forgotten, not for a long long time I imagine. For Hull KR the brief 6 game tenure of Mason will probably be remembered the way Leeds United fans remember the 44 day stay of Brian Clough at Elland Road. Clough went on to bigger and better things Mason will not IMO. He will of course improve his bank balance, good luck to him, a sportsman’s career is short. Rovers now have a very difficult fixture list in June and later a tough away cup tie at St Helens. Daunting but not nearly as daunting as it seemed just 22 days ago. With any luck next time I write it will be all about events ON field rather than OFF. BY HIS BOBNESS
HULL CITY AFC LAMBRETTAMAN TALKS WITH... JUSTIN WHITTLE KISSER asked City fan Lambrettaman to spend a few hours in the pub with an ex-Hull City pro. Here is what was discussed when he spoke with former City captain, the legend; Justin ‘The Sarge’ Whittle. LM. What was the best and worst football grounds you ever played at? JW. Anfield was the best ground I ever played at, my first game there was for Stoke reserves against Liverpool reserves, I then played both legs for City against Liverpool in the Cup and it really was a special ground to play at. The worst was probably the Withdean Stadium. They had the worst pitch, the worst facilities(the changing rooms were portakabins) and you had to walk over the running track on a scaffolding bridge to get to the pitch. The running track also completely killed the atmosphere in the ground. LM. Which City player was the best you ever played with and why? JW. Warren Joyce, he was small, but had a massive amount of commitment and no shortage of talent and skill. Richard Sneekes was the most impressive player on the training ground, he was really a bit special and was one of the most skilful players I ever met, but for his all round contribution to the team, I’d probably say Ashbee was the best all rounder. LM. Who was the best player you ever came up against? JW. The best player I ever played against was probably Dennis Bergkamp, along with John McGinlay at Bolton, who I played against for Stoke, he was a real handful. The most disappointing were Defoe, Keane and Owen, I expected them to all run me ragged, but they were fairly easy to keep in check. LM. City had some notoriously awful kits over the years, during your time, which did you think were the best and worst kits? JW. I didn’t like the Olympic Sports university kit and my favourite was probably the Avec IBC kit, but we didn’t have any really bad kits, I’m really glad I missed the tiger stripes. LM. What do you think of the current Hull City team? JW. I think we had a fantastic season, considering the way we were heading, the turn around has been fantastic. We have a very young team, we lack experience, but things are very much moving in the right direction and I have every confidence in the current management team. LM. What is your best memory from your time at Hull City? JW. I would say it was my debut against Carlisle, we needed to turn things around and begin the great escape and for me it started with that game. We followed that game with away wins away against Leyton Orient and then Brentford, it was then that we started to believe.
LM. What was the best atmosphere you remember at a City game? JW. There were many great games at Boothferry Park, there was something special about playing under those lights, but as far as the KC games go, it would have to be our game against Swansea in 2003. I was marking Lee Trundle that night, there was a crowd of over 20,000 and the atmosphere was amazing, particularly after Stu Elliot scored the winner. LM. So, the infamous ‘elbow incident’ with Shearer when you were at Grimsby – what, from your perspective, happened? JW. The first thing I should say, is that it wasn’t deliberate, it was completely accidental. As we walked off the pitch, I tried to shake his hand, but he obviously thought I was out of order and refused. He offered to meet me in the tunnel at the end of the game, I said why wait that long, I’m here now, but he stormed off. Just ahead of my 40th birthday, a friend of mine contacted the BBC and sent in a birthday card with a picture of Shearer with a split lip on the front, with a request that he signed it. He did and and I received it on my 40th birthday, so he’s obviously moved on. LM. If you could pinpoint one area of the side you feel needs strengthening/one type of player the current team is lacking, what would you say it is? JW. We obviously need a couple of keepers, along with a couple of centre halves, a big target man and I’d like to see Chester at centre half and Stewart up front, we lacked options to switch things this season. LM. The ‘Great Escape’ season – describe it from your perspective, what did it feel like? JW. As a player, you just get on with things, we didn’t really think of it as a great escape season until after it was over. Many people think we were playing without being paid, but it was actually the season after the great escape that we didn’t get paid. It was during Little’s time that things got really bad, it wasn’t until then that we realised just how much things meant to the city of Hull. We were really moved by the fans throwing money into buckets and sheets to pay our wages, we were fully aware of how much people cared. There weren’t the wages that there are now, we had mortgages to pay, but there was a feeling that we were all in it together. Once we had all been paid, I remember going to a sports shop and using the money to buy a load of Nike balls, I got the whole team to sign them and we kicked them all into the crowd to repay the fans. LM. If you could pick one Championship or Premier League player (within reason – reserve/squad player or youngster) to join Hull City, who would it be and why? JW. Richie Wellens, I think he’s exactly the sort of player we’re lacking at the moment. LM. You’ve remained in the local area after playing, is there any particular reason for that? JW. I like Hull, even when I moved to Grimsby I stayed here and commuted to training and games, one of my kids was was born in Derby, the other was born in Hull, but they both love it here, they both love school here and I love the people. LM. What do you think is needed for the current team to gain promotion to the Premier League? JW. I think it’s not about big money signings, it’s about building for the future. Fans should forget instant success, they should trust the manager to build a team over the medium term and look forward to season on season improvements. LM. Do you have a ‘most cherished’ possession from your time in football, if so, what is it? JW. I played for Stoke in a play off final against Leicester at Filbert Street, I was marking Steve Claridge and Jimmy Greaves awarded me the Motm award, I was award a trophy at the end of the game that remains my most cherished possession.
HCAFC TRANSFER RUMOURS BRAD GUZAN:
Brad had a decent spell on loan at City keeping 5 clean sheets in 16 appearances. A decent keeper but was questionable some of the time, especially at his near post. Eilhoff as a second option would provide a good battle for the no.1 jersey, with Mannone proving too injury prone. Newcastle’s Tim Krul is also being considered. With Gerrard supposedly out of the running, City’s no.1 target SHOULD be Ayala. The big central defender showed an ounce of class at the back in his time here and we’d prefer him over Hobbs, but we think Nigel will approach it the other way round. Expect a loanee in as cover if McShane leaves the club or a free like Abdoulaye Faye. Johnson can play either centrally or out on the left of midfield. He’s a box-tobox midfielder and best described as a Marney who scores goals - good ones at that, too. With reports of interest from West Brom though, it’s looking unlikely he’ll be seen in the black & amber of City. Andy Reid or Guy Moussi on a free could be seen as a good alternative. A class act in this division and would add a spark that was sometimes missed this season. He often has that something to get teams going when the rest aren’t firing on all cylinders - just ask Palace. We’ve heard Leicester are now in poll position for his signature though. Talks of O’Connor at Scunny and David Norris as back-up options.
THE CITY BLOG:
An out of contract midfielder who has been playing for Rotherham gaining rave reviews on the left side of midfield. He had been the subject of interest from Premier League and Championship sides in the summer, but nobody took a punt. Daniel De Ridder, Marek Cech and Boudewijn Zenden are other good left-side options on a free. There’s no doubting City need a big man alongside Fryatt, with the Tigers linked to Dele Adebola, Steve Howard & Chris Iwelumo to fill the void. The cheap-ness and age of these options show that Nige doesn’t see this area as a main priority. Out of the three, we’d prefer Iwelumo - as the only one to prove he’s still capable last season. Left-wing is a big part of Pearson’s plans, with lesser known targets. We’ve heard Pearson had Keith Treacy watched for this position along with Nicky Law (see above). Treacy would cost money, but at the right price would be a great addition to the team. Nicky Ajose, a Man Utd youngster is also being considered on loan. Nathan Tyson has been mentioned as a Craig Fagan replacement, who’d be a good squad player. Chris Burke and Gianni Zuiverloon are both available on a free, who could compliment the opposite wing to Stewart, with Zuiverloon playing a vital attacking role the season West Brom got promoted from the Championship and can also cover right across the back 4.
So, with that rollercoaster of a season finally over and hopes of promotion put to bed, we now move on in preparation for next season. We now know who will be joining City in the Championship and the names of the teams joining us have brought up differing opinions amongst fans. The outcome of West Ham next season will be hard to predict; They will go one of two ways - the porno kings will either take a gamble and spend big on the hopes of getting re-promoted at the first attempt, or they’ll look to spend very little, with their inflated ego’s telling them players will join West Ham for free based on name alone (reference - see Leeds Utd). Both are massive gambles - if West Ham don’t get promoted at the first time of asking, with such debts, the outcome could be disasterous for them. There is the probability they may well pull it off and big name players do join them, but chances are with big name players such as; Green, Upson, Parker, Cole, Ba, Bridge, Obinna, Keane, Hitzlsperger plus others, all expected to leave - leaving the Hammers with a bare bones squad of inexperienced (but talented) youngsters, that they will struggle to adapt to the Championship, with so many changes within the team (see Hull City last season). Blackpool will surely resume their previous position of lower-mid table, with up to 10 first-teamers out of contract and star man Charlie Adam bound to leave, they won’t be challenging the top 6. Birmingham are the biggest threat to the top 6 and getting in the way of City’s chances. A Europa cup spot will have a bit of pulling power when trying to attract new players and with mad owners at the helm who seem to know what they want, they’ll be pulling out all the stops to make sure they get it. Brighton seem to be throwing their weight about in the transfer market already with a bid for highly-rated Will Buckley of Watford, having a £500k bid rejected. If they have money like that to throw about on every player they want, they may surprise a few. Southampton look the most likely to do well, with their highly-rated youngsters who have all been watched by the likes of Man Utd and Arsenal. Player wise, City have been linked with so many players already, it is hard to keep up! I think every Tiger’s fan is hoping for the return of Daniel Ayala, after giving up hope on Gerrard returning. Hull City need to make sure they bring in a top class defender to fill the void left by Gerrard, as well as tying up a deal for Neil Danns being a must! Adding Danns to a midfield of the likes of Koren, Stewart and Evans, as well as other midfield additions will see a much more skilled and direct midfield - no clueless wanderings and a few more daring passes being made. If City can’t tie up a deal for Danns, there is talk of Norris and Bradley Johnson, but both are looking like going elsewhere, leaving a lot less options. If it is true we have offered big money to attract Danns, if he doesn’t sign, can that money please be used to retain Olofinjana? Big Oli gained rave reviews out on loan at Cardiff and showed that he does have a lot to offer if given the chance. A winger on the opposite wing to Cameron Stewart is needed to balance out the team on both flanks, as is a target man upfront. Dele Adebola has been mentioned as the likely target - not sure if this is what we need over other targets mentioned, but we’ll give him a chance if he does sign. We’re just concerned he may be a bit slow to partner Matty Fryatt, we’ll soon know more - till next month!
football round-up picture: guardian.co.uk
COST OF FOOTBALL - According to a recent survey by Virgin Money, 1 in 4 football fans are set to cut back on watching football from next season, as the average price per game has now reached over £100 per game. It isn’t just your average supporter this is hitting, even fans of the big clubs are cutting back, with 22% of Man Utd fans saying they will not be renewing their season tickets for next season. Hopefully if an extension to the KC Stadium happens, Assem Allam will stick to his word and bring down matchday prices, allowing every family to be able to afford to attend games - hopefully it will set a trend and see all clubs lower their prices - as they say; Hull - the pioneering city! AJAX - Ajax have won this season’s Eredivisie title, beating their nearest rivals FC Twente on the final day of the season to secure the title. Maarten Stekelenburg, rumoured to be interested in a move away from the club this summer, all to obviously tried to get himself into the spotlight to attract potential suitors during the victory parade. Stekelenburg did what is now known as ‘doing a Sergio Ramos’ - that’s right, he dropped the Eredivisie title off the top of their open-top bus. Cue instant worldwide media coverage - job done, name in the papers - probably not the best idea to get yourself in the limelight when your position is a goalkeeper, though! CHEEKY BLACKPOOL FANS - Not only did the Blackpool fans annoy Phil Brown with a plane over Deepdale with a sign reminding Preston fans they’ll still be under Blackpool again next season, which Brown said he wanted to ‘shoot down’ - a cheeky Blackpool fan who works on TV show ‘Countdown’ rigged the conundrum in the same week to spell out ‘PNE CRISIS’. C.RONALDO - Fallen out with Mourinho at Real Madrid because he’s a stupid winker. He’s said to have been put on the transfer list at a (not so) bargain price of £150 million. Prem bound again? He’s also just made La Liga history by scoring the most goals in a season; 40 goals. AWARDS EXPLAINED: Player of the season; Liam Rosenior. With the Tigers struggling to score goals earlier in the season, Rosenior came in and it was no coincidence that the team started producing more attacking displays and scoring more goals when Liam joined the club - the catalyst to properly kick-start City’s season. Runner-Up 1 - Anthony Gerrard - a rock at the back throughout the season and did very well re-establishing himself alongside so many different defensive partners in one season. Runner-Up 2 - There is no doubting City wouldn’t have finished where they did had it not been for Fryatt’s impressive goal return - hopefully a full season of the same exploits next season will see the Tigers in with a shout of promotion. Goal of the Season - Jay Simpson Vs Ipswich away at Portman Road. With City looking like giving their impressive away run up, 85th minute - Simpson, mid-air backwards header from quite some distance out. Picking one of the Bostock goals would have been too easy to do!
PLAYER OF THE SEASON
GOAL OF THE SEASON
LIAM ROSENIOR MATTY FRYATT
HCAFC POSSIBLE KITS FOR 2011/12
KITS EXPLAINED - LEFT>RIGHT (CLOCKWISE): AC Milan template, Colombia template (Chelsea with a different collar), Argentina template, Stoke template, Ajax away template, Lyon template, Hamburg template, Swindon/Bristol City away template. As we mentioned in the last issue, we’ve heard Russell Bartlett signed off the kit design with Adidas before he left, meaning it was before the Allam’s paid off the club’s debts to Adidas. With this in mind, we expect to see a basic template for this season, probably the Stoke template as the new City home kit (leaked?) and, as much as we’d like the Ajax away template - we’re expecting the Swindon/Bristol City template as our new away kit.
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SIAM BURI - ANLABY RD - HULL
Bite the bullet and travel the extra mile from the city centre for a genuine Thai experience in cosy surroundings with some of the best food you’ll have had for a while. Thai food is renowned for its vibrancy – both in colour and flavour – and the quality of the service. Siam Buri delivers on all three. These people are out to please. Like many Thai restaurants, Siam Buri’s menu has the same majority of dishes as its Thai brethren – spring rolls, satay, tom yum soup, various curries over rice, pad Thai noodles and some original house specialties to round out the menu. The selection is VAST and well-described on the menu if you’re not familiar with Thai cuisine. I was astonished by the value of the lunchtime special of a two course meal for £6.50, which includes one starter, one soup, and two main courses. For a starter I had the Cee Kong Ob Lhao Dang (Marinated pork spare ribs in Thai-style Red wine sauce) which was divine and literally fell off the bone. For my mains I shared Pad King (Stir-fried Selection of chicken with vegetable, mushroom, fresh Ginger and yellow bean) over rice and a Larb Gai (Spicy mince chicken with mixed herbs and fresh mint leaves). The Larb Gai has to be my favourite Thai dish and this was spectacular. The one thing that I must mention is the opening hours – Monday to Saturday Siam Buri is only open between 12PM and 2:30PM for lunch and 5:30PM to 11PM for dinner and on Sundays for dinner only from 5:30PM to 11:00PM. Overall, Siam Buri knows how to satisfy with quality, well-portioned, classic Thai food and excellent service to match! BY @VORACIOUS_VIXEN
FOUR IN HAND - HOLDERNESS RD - HULL The pub is of a large scale and is divided into two sections. One side is a straight forward boozer and the other, larger side, is a bar and area for eating. It is safe to say this side has had a bit of money spent on it and is of a comfortable atmosphere. Four in Hand is part of the ‘Sizzling’ chain of pubs which has it’s menu as the same in other Sizzling pubs. The menu is actually a very good variety of choices for a chain and leaves you pondering what to have, as it’s quite open. We have the BBQ chicken wrapped in bacon, with garlic bread, piri piri rice and chips on a ‘sizzling’ hot skillet which seems to be the Sizzling chain’s trademark, which, although quite a good idea, doesn’t leave you with much room to move your food about. The service is very friendly, if a little slow. We soon have our food though and get tucked in. The chicken is a tad dry and there isn’t much BBQ sauce between the bacon and chicken. The piri piri rice is done well, as are the chips. The garlic bread is fresh, if a little basic, in comparison to that of garlic bread from a frozen packet. There isn’t really too much you can say about the food here, the best way of describing it is as a good alternative to a takeaway, especially if you want to sit inside somewhere that is cosy with a good, friendly atmosphere. Worth a try if you usually get a takeaway once a week, sit in and see what you think. By Kisser Staff
VORACIOUS_VIXEN KISSER MAGAZINEâ€™S LOCAL FOOD EXPERT. CONTACT HER ON TWITTER @VORACIOUS_VIXEN
HULL TRUCK CAFE - FERENSWAY - HULL
Hull Truck Cafe - quality food in a casual setting. At the front of the Hull Truck Theatre, nestled in the hustle and bustle of the City streets, lies the Hull Truck Cafe. It appeals to a variety of patrons from the young and shabby chic to the more adventurous and refined palettes. Strangely casual would be the correct epithet to describe the surroundings, and I was pleasantly surprised by my visit there. I admit, I had been expecting a mediocre meal with a small selection of cheap wines, but I was in for a massive surprise. I have travelled extensively throughout the world, dining at some of the best restaurants money can buy, and was literally taken aback by the amazing quality of food. I can only review what I have eaten today, and will now try to walk you through my culinary experience. My meal: The Steak and Ale Pie The Pastry: At first inspection, the pastry looked average yet home-made. Once I pierced my fork through its outer crust, the layers of flaky perfection crumbled throughout and fell apart like thinly wafers of soft amber glass waiting to be devoured. The Steak: Having had every type of meat possible, from grass-fed beef to Venezuelan steak, I was already familiar with how outstanding good beef can become if treated well. As it turns out, the steak and ale pie was one of the best meals that I have ever had. The Twice-Cooked Chunky Chips: Now the menu does not reveal that these are twice-cooked, but anyone who has ever had the experience of something so devilishly delicious will know the difference, and these were magnificent. Much to my joy, they were not pre-seasoned or salted. I prefer to do that myself. The Roasted Vegetables: Drizzled with a slight bit of honey, these were roasted to perfection. Just crispy enough to bite into, yet fully cooked and incredibly delicious. The Shot of Ale: Yes, a shot of ale. The meal comes with its very own shot glass full of ale as accompaniment, seeing as it is the same ale that the pie is cooked with. What a splendid idea! The Service: We had a great waitress who was happy to cater to our every whim, but did not pester us. Finding the right balance between the two is a very hard thing to do, and she has it down to an art. The Prices: I was surprised that the prices are very reasonable. A full meal for 2, complete with drinks, was around ÂŁ22. Looking back, I paid something similar for a meal at a pub recently, and the quality was nowhere near as good as at the Hull Truck Cafe. I have visited the Hull Truck Cafe on more than one occasion, each time excited with the prospects of trying even more of the delicious and tempting culinary delights on offer. In conclusion, Hull Truck Cafe can literally whip up a culinary storm and I challenge anyone to be dissatisfied with the incredible eatery. BY @VORACIOUS_VIXEN
SPAMALOT - HULL NEW THEATRE Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam... You get the picture! Here rolls into town; Monty Python’s ‘Spamalot’ - the stage show musical version of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. We take our seats amongst a large crowd - it’s great to see the show being so well received. We can see a lot of Monty Python fans are in the crowd tonight with their fan t-shirts on. The show is part of a current national tour and see’s Phill Jupitus (interviewed earlier in the issue) starring as King Arthur and Todd Carty (Tucker from Grange Hill, or Mark from Eastenders - depends how old you are) as his assistant. Both play their parts brilliantly and as casting goes, these two fit perfectly. As Phill Jupitus points out in the earlier interview with us, this show is a musical in it’s own right. It may take on the form of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, but it is a completely different take on it. You don’t have to be a Monty Python fan to enjoy this show, as the timeless comedy springboards it’s self out to an audience which is filled with people of all ages, shapes, sizes and sexes - only adding to show how this is an event for everyone to enjoy. There are modernised and localised twists in parts of the show; Modernisation comes about through mentioning things that are current such as Stephen Fry tweeting on Twitter amongst others. Phill Jupitus talks of the mythical place that is ‘Hull’ home to remembered heroes and legends such as William Wilberforce, Amy Johnson and... The Gargoyles! laughs aplenty - this is a brilliant and funny show well worth going to see.
MILES KANE - FRUIT Dude got swagger - Miles Kane struts onto the stage to his band already playing an introduction to the first song. Miles takes a swig out of a bottle and shouts out “Let’s ‘ave it!” and launches into the first song of the evening, setting the tempo for the night with the crowd responding to his every move and taunt. The show tonight is a sell out - great to see for a hard working venue like this where so much effort is put in to bringing bands to our area. Miles is better known for his project with Arctic Monkey’s frontman Alex Turner; Last of the Shadow Puppets - but he’s here tonight to showcase his own material. Launching through song after song at a heavy pace, the venue soon starts to heat up creating a proper rock n’roll sweaty atmosphere which is shown in Miles Kane’s drenched white shirt. It shows the effort and dedication put in by him in his performance which he puts every ounce of effort into. Miles’ new solo album ‘Colour of the Trap’ (which was released on May 9th) features Noel Gallagher and he’s also supported Liam Gallagher’s ‘Beady Eye’ - A scouser who has been taken in by Mancs - this bloke must be bloody good you think - and he is. The performance is a belter from everything down to the music, the songs and the atmosphere in the crowd. You can’t help but think that he wants to be Liam and Noel - he’s acting like some sort of Oasis junior, the next one on the production line after Kasabian’s ‘Oasis junior’ style attitude - it did them no harm though, so why should it Miles Kane? His songs are good enough and sometimes you have to love yourself a bit too much to get to where you want to be. A bit of arrogance is OK sometimes - it seems so tonight.
NME EMERGE RADAR TOUR - HULL UNIVERSITY UNION We can remember the days of the re-boom of indie music with the likes of The Libertines and The Strokes. Back then there was a buzz at the mention of an NME tour coming to town; the last one we remember visiting Hull being in 2005 with Maximo Park and The Cribs at the old Silhouettes on Park Street. You could walk out the back of the old bus station back then and across what is now St.Stephen’s, so a lot has changed since then, and so it seems has musical tastes too. The Cribs and Maximo Park both went on to bigger and better things - will the current bunch of NME’s picks for the top reach similar stardom? A steady trail of people keep entering the venue, but it feels like people aren’t prepared to part with their money tonight - at the gig in 2005, people were throwing money for tickets to see ‘the next big thing’. First band up are ‘Big Deal’ - a boy/girl duo playing some quiet, atmospheric music that wouldn’t sound out of place in the Twilight films or 500 Days of Summer. Their performance brings about a very ‘intimate’ feel to the gig - easily likeable. Next up is a band called ‘Grouplove’ - Christian the lead singer tells me they all met in Crete where band member Hannah was working as an artist. He says their name came about when everytime they met up back in America they‘d shout ‘Yay! the group! Grouplove!’ - The band is full of character, especially bassist Sean, who I’ve nicknamed ‘Wild Bill’ who looks like a cartoon-esque Lemmy from Motohead, who dances around like Bez with a bass guitar. Their sound is bouncy, enjoyable anthemic tune after tune - watch out for these guys! Anna Calvi is the main act tonight; wow! what a voice! It’s hard to prove how good she is in words alone expect to hear her on the radio very soon following in the footsteps of her nearest similarity in Florence and the Machine. Big voice, big, brash tunes, like a Bond theme - an incredible live sound. A must see - a tip for the top. Christian tells us ‘best gig of the tour yet! - the smaller crowd made it much more relaxed and fun’.
THE MILL - HULL TRUCK THEATRE The Mill; a 55 minute play/art performance by Ockham’s Razor - an aerial theatre company who (as their official site states) ‘specialise in creating physical theatre on original pieces of aerial equipment and create stories from the vulnerability, trust and reliance that exist between people in the air. Rather than paint the circus performer as a superhuman character capable of impressive feats we make work that draws on the human and the real, where the characters go through recognisable experiences, emotions and conflicts which the audience can identify with and relate to’. We arrived in our seats, fresh pint in hand, 3 rows from the front, greeted by factory/workshop sounds and a mist of smoke in low lighting. The lights go completely out and within a second are back on again with all 5 cast members stood in a line like a little magic trick of the eye. One character acts like a ‘foreman’ type figure who gives each person a position within a maze of ropes and cogs which all link in some way with the main giant cog, which is suspended up in the air. There is a process throughout the 55 minutes which shows off the different traits of individual workers, such as the lazy workers, the hard workers and the workers who wish to change roles in the process, with each member swapping positions from different cogs, pushing, pulling, running inside the giant cog and walking on top of the giant cog. There is a speaker suspended above everything which keeps informing the workers to ‘start labour’ which gives us the sense of some form of dystopia, with the workers acting as though they are afraid of what might happen should they not ‘start labour’. As the show progresses, certain parts of the network of the ‘machine’ break and when asked to ‘resume labour - find new process’, the workers scramble to find a new way of making the machine work as efficiently as it did previously. The show overall is a great spectacular that people from most backgrounds can relate to and the amazement of aerial stunts on show wouldn’t look out of place at this summers Freedom Festival.
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MINERVA - NELSON STREET - HULL
The Minerva - a proper old skool boozer in the old town/Fruit Market area of Hull, overlooking Victoria Pier. With a nautical theme throughout and some amazing old pictures through the ages of Hull’s history on the walls, this pub is worth a visit for nostalgia alone. The pub sells good old fashioned pub grub at decent prices and the place has a very relaxed, cosy feel to it. If you want to go for a pint in a place where you and your friends can sit back and have a laugh without being disturbed by others, this is certainly the place to come to. The Minerva would also make a great venue for a date - with it’s cosy, relaxed vibe, you could rid yourself of any nerves - and with the world’s smallest ‘snug’, you can sit alone together and enjoy your date in comfort. The pub’s proximity to the Humber also gives it an atmospheric feel at night from sunset to darkness, you get the feel of being aboard an actual ship. The drinks are a tad pricey compared to other places closer to the city centre, but to be expected for it’s location due to not having passing trade - the venue alone is worth the extra few pence though. With many real ales to choose from it’s great for your traditionalist. It’s just a shame that, with it’s location near to the Humber/docks, it doesn’t have any imported lager’s from our Dutch, Belgian and Danish cousin’s - instead opting for plain old Carling. The Minerva is a great old pub which deserves more custom perhaps a little experimentation with a few more modern specialist brews will bring some newer drinkers to add to the place, rather than just catering for traditionalists alone.
CROSS KEYS - LAIRGATE - BEVERLEY
Here is a pub that has developed over the year’s and has attemped to ‘move with the times’. The traditional pub is dying off, forever being replaced by more upmarket bars with more luxury, comfy interiors. Pubs caught in the middle that aren’t historic enough to stay the same are having to keep up by fitting in new, modern interiors, or, as Cross Keys does - aim to be an alternative to a club. In an age were money is tight, people are looking closer to home for their nights out and some pubs are cashing in by having somewhere to accomodate those still looking for a club atmosphere without the pricey entrance fee. The only downside to this is pubs can’t compete on prices as well as clubs, so we found our single JD and coke, plus half a cider and black at just under £6 a bit expensive in comparison. The atmosphere in Cross Keys is good - it’s spacious and no area seems to be cramped at all. There is also an area for everyone; there is a quiet, cosy room to the front of the pub, then the main bar area where people seem to congregate and chat, which has a jukebox with a good selection of old and new songs. There is a pool table area separated from the main bar area too, so you can play in peace. If you’re after a bit of partying, there is a modern dancefloor and bar area in a large room next door. The atmosphere is strange - a fun one, but not comparable to a club atmosphere - it’s a mixture between a club vibe and that of a family ‘do at the local hall. It reminds us of the song by The Streets ‘Too Much Brandy’ with the lines: “Don’t awe me with your little sidestep technique, get to the beat, loosen up, it’s The Streets” i.e. - dad dancing. Men in short sleeved shirts too big for them, mingling with the youth, a good mixture though. It’s Saturday night and we’re all here to have a good time no matter what - that’s the vibe. Great for a pub to be doing so well and moving with the times - check it out, see what we’re rambling about.
COMING TO OUR AREA!
APRIL IN PARIS HULL TRUCK THEATRE 01-11/06/11
ALAN CARR HULL TRUCK THEATRE 19/06/11
Gober’s April in Paris - direct
Alan Carr is coming to Hull to
from a national tour.
showcase his new upcoming
It’s all about Al and Bet who
arena tour after 4 years off
are in a loveless relationship,
the road. Here is your chance
that is until out of the blue, the
to see the show in an intimate
passionless pair win a trip to
venue before everybody else
JLS KC STADIUM 10/06/11 The former runner’s up of X-Factor have gone from strength to
CORRIE! HULL NEW THEATRE 21-25/06/11
A comic tribute to the longest running soap in Britain,
strength since the show, to now
commissioned by ITV. See
be performing in stadia up and
famous scenes re-lived,
down the country. Expect hits
including Gail getting hitched
such as; ‘Everybody in Love’, ‘Beat
to every bloke she see’s - the
Again’ & ‘One Shot’.
GREG DAVIES HULL TRUCK THEATRE 13/06/11 Thanks Phil! Sorry, Sir, Mr.
UKULELE ORCHESTRA OF GREAT BRITAIN HULLCITY HALL 23/06/11
Gilbert! Yes, Greg Davies
Massively popular where ever
of Inbetweeners fame is
they are performing. The Uke’s
returning to Hull with his ‘Firing
take pop songs and make them
Cheeseballs at a dog’ show. Very funny bloke.
AN EVENING OF BURLESQUE
HULL NEW THEATRE 18/06/11
Lads, here is a rare chance to take your missus out to see something she’d enjoy, whilst you get to sit and watch semi-naked women prance about. It’s win-win! Direct from the West End, so no shabby performance! Over 18s!
their own using their ukulele’s. Not to be missed! Check them out on Youtube NOW!
SALLY MORGAN HULL NEW THEATRE 29/06/11 Sally Morgan... this lady scares us. We don’t know what to expect from her new show (I’m sure she does!) but it is certain to be brilliant if her TV shows are anything to go by.
MISSUS ON YER BACK? BUY HER SOMETHING - TIP ON WHAT TO BUY According to our female help, this is a must for women at the moment. Topshop nail varnish >
< According to our female help, this is a must for women at the moment. Floral headbands.
YOUR MISSUS HAS NEVER BEEN TO A MATCH BEFORE... NOW SHE WANTS TO!
If you’re one of these blokes who has a missus who has an interest in sport, brilliant - you’re a lucky sod. If you’re someone who has a missus who has no interest in sport at all, and then one day she suddenly turn’s round to you and tells you she has decided to ruin your usual matchday routine of meeting up with the lads for a few pints, a laugh and a bit of greasy food before kick-off, as she is coming along with you... here are a few tips to get yourself through it. TIP 1. Make sure she knows the offside rule - explain it to her quite a few times. It may get a bit embarrassing if she keeps asking “why does the ref keep blowing his whistle for no reason?” (given some of the ref’s we’ve seen this season though, granted, sometimes that can actually be a relevant comment to make). TIP 2. Quickly inform her just before kick-off that the half your team is in, is the half they are defending (we’ve lost count the amount of times the missus has asked ‘So, which way are we going?’. TIP 3. If it wasn’t obvious to her which team is which by the colours you and everyone else around you is wearing (you’d be surprised!) - make sure you tell her - it might get a bit awkward if she cheers a goal for the other team! **Please note - if you’re too worried, you could just tell her it’s a sell out!**
IF A BLOKE FORGETS YOUR BIRTHDAY/ANNIVERSARY WHAT’S THE BEST WAY HE CAN MAKE IT UP TO YOU?
STEPH - HORNSEA
LAURA - HULL
LEAH - HULL
SAMANTHA - BEVERLEY
He can make it up to me by
Chinese takeaway and a
I would make him buy me
He’d have to buy me a Mac
buying me some Lily’s, taking
something amazing! As
or MacBook for me to forgive
me out for an Indian and never
well as taking me out for
him so on that note I’d be
a meal! If a boy forgot
hoping he forgot my birthday
my birthday I think I
or anniversary lol
would kill him!
GOOGLE STREETVIEW AWARDS 2011: Recently, Google launched a nationwide search to award the ‘most romantic street’, ‘best shopping street’ & ‘hippest street’ in the UK. Our area didn’t have a single nomination despite some appauling choices by Google, so we thought we’d show what we have to offer and do our own East Riding of Yorkshire version. In RED boundaries are ‘most romantic’, in GREEN boundaries are ‘best shopping’ & YELLOW boundaries are ‘hippest street’. What do you think? Got your own nomination? let us know! A1035 - Beverley
Ferensway - Hull
Plimsoll Way - Hull
Salisbury St - Hull
Newland Ave - Hull
Princes Ave - Hull
Cliff Road - Hessle
North Bar Within - Bev
The Weir - Hessle
Prince Street - Hull
Trinity House Lane - Hull
RANDOM LEGEND THIS MONTH’S RANDOM LEGEND IS...
MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE
LOCAL NEWS As we all know: Assem Allam wants to buy the KC and build a sports village to give free use to the people of Hull and East Yorkshire - get it built! It’d be great for the youth of our area - olympic facilities - free! Talullah’s - a new bar and restaurant is set to open in the old Mex Cantina restaurant near to Barracuda on Lowgate.
MYTHS & LEGENDS Editor’s note: It was great to see the recent recognition for Hull in the part it played in WW2 during the blitz. My Great-Gran is 100 years old, and has told me some amazing stories of the character and spirit of Hull and it’s great people throughout WW1 & WW2. Those stories are some of the reason’s I am determined to see Hull gain more praise, rather than continue to see the mocking it get’s from the national media. Hull took a hit for other parts of the country and the Thanks it get’s is mockery - if Hull was a person, it would be a hero and praised beyond belief, so it is sad to see today that not only does the national media mock Hull, but even local residents disrespect it. Thousands of people fought for this city, but for what? to be ridiculed and made a joke of? To allow disrespectful idiots to take no pride in the place they had fought to save and protect? To allow fools to smash and deface the buildings which give the city it’s character? It’s time people started showing some respect to a city that was second most bombed throughout WW2. It’s a LEGEND! My Legend’s tale is of two my Great-Gran told me. The first is based in WW1. She told me how she had to move from Courtney St as it was too near the docks, so they moved to the Newland Avenue area. Her dad came back from the war to see them and the house had taken a hit - it was lucky he bumped into a passing relative, otherwise he wouldn’t have known they had moved, as their letters had not got through to him. She told me of a night the zeppelin’s came over. She said how everyone had to get dressed in the dark and grab a pillow. Everyone in the area would then walk to Cottingham, find a field and try and sleep for the night. She told me how once her brother had gone missing on the way to Cottingham and her mother was shouting out for him whilst a zeppelin was passing above, when one man shouted out “Shut up missus! they’ll hear you!” and everyone walking by burst into laughter. Great wartime spirit. The second legend is during WW2. My Great-Gran and my Gran had gone to take shelter in a nearby school. Once the raid had finished, they came out into the schoolyard to find they were only a few yards from an unexploded German bomb. Had it gone off, they wouldn’t be here today to tell the tale, nor would I be writing this to you now. My Great-Gran told me how she went back a few days later to find it was still there. She went and reported it to a warden. She told me how the rest of the streets were cussing at her because they had to evacuate the streets for hours, waiting for it to be dealt with - my Great-Gran laughs at it now.
CONFESSIONS SHOPPING SPREE BETTER THAN USUAL!
KNOCK! KNOCK! WHO’S THERE?
Me and my friend went lingerie shopping last month, as I’d planned a big night of passion with my fella, so decided it was time to pull out all the stops and show myself off to him, in something new and exciting. We tried out all the usual spots seeking out something sexy, going in and out of changing rooms. I don’t know if it was the thought of knowing what I was buying the new lingerie for, but I was getting far too excited. I convinced my friend to try something on too. We posed in the mirror together and started joking about, grabbing each other’s boobs. Before I knew it we were having a full on snog! Wow it felt good! I never told my boyfriend though... naughty! Danielle - Beverley
I live alone, one night I’d been watching some ‘adult entertainment’. I’ve been wanting to try a few new things out, as I’ve led quite a conservative lifestyle. One of my favourite’s of these adult films was were a lonely woman answers the door to a delivery man and decides to give him a ‘tip’. I went round a few local takeaways to see where a man I’d fancy works. Once I found one, after I plucked up the courage, I ordered a takeaway from that place - I’d had a few drinks to build up my confidence and got ready for his arrival by stripping down naked and putting on a robe. When he arrived, he came in whilst I got money. I dropped my robe and asked if he’d like a ‘tip’. He then pulled his member out and I took him there and then. Ellie - Hull
A REVVED UP NIGHT!
ALL A BIT OF FUN, DEAR!
A few weeks back my boyfriend went for a night out with his mates and left little ol’ me at home by myself... I bet you think you know where this is going, don’t you? Well, you’re wrong! As I’m nice, I offered to drive into town and pick him up. Sat at home by myself got me horny though, so when it was time to pick him up, I had a little surprise ready for my hubby. Our house is in a remote area. As I was driving, I decided to reach over and pull his zip down and started playing with him. He was half-asleep whilst i did this, but he soon perked up and thought we were home when I pulled up and stopped - wrong! I found a lay-by and decided to pull in. I lifted up my skirt to show my boyfriend I wasn’t wearing any knickers. It wasn’t long before he pushed the seat back and we were having steamy car sex Beth - East Hull Village
I work in the office at a construction firm with the builders coming in and out of the office all day. I’m the only woman on site, so I get all the attention, which I love! All the lads know I’m married, but it doesn’t stop them flirting with me, but I enjoy it anyway, so would never ask them to stop. Anyway, one of the blokes I’ve taken a bit of a shine to. He’s younger than me, good looking and although he’s very flirty with me, he’s also very polite and the perfect gentleman; all the other’s are a bit too ‘show us your tits luv!’ - this younger bloke is nicer, so decided to give him a treat one day. I wore a skirt with no knickers and when he came into the office, I dropped my pen and asked him if he’d mind picking it up for me. That’s when I opened my legs to give him a cheeky flash and he left with a huge grin. Natasha - E.Yorkshire
THANK YOU! KISSER would like to say a massive Thank You, in no particular order to: MODELS: Jade and Sarah (part 2 of circus feature) - Thanks ladies! You were fun and easy to work with and are great models. A real credit. PHOTOGRAPHY: Many thanks go to Babydoll Photography. What a brilliant job you have done (again!) and we’d have been lost without you (again! - even more so this time than last!). WRITERS/CONTRIBUTORS: Lambrettaman, Jedrust, His Bobness, Voracious_Vixen, Scarlet Lights, Dan at Thirteen1, and Christian aka F_Block_Blog; You’ve all done another brilliant job - Thanks for the contributions, (once again) more of the same next month please! INTERVIEWEE’S: Justin ‘the sarge’ Whittle and Phill Jupitus - Many thanks to you both for your input and for allowing us access to you - the answers you gave are spot on and a great read. LOCATIONS: Thanks goes to FRUIT on Humber Street for use of their venue for the photoshoot again. WEB: Another massive thanks goes to the peeps at Impression11 (especially Ethan) - great company and easy to work with. OTHERS: Thank You to Bill Anderson and SammyDingle for your Flickr contributions, Joanna at HCC, Nicola at ER Council, Hull Truck Theatre, Dan (again) for the knowledge and help with info, Dean and Jake at FRUIT, Howard for advice, Michaela and Rachel for flyering, Kathrin of Belleruche, Christian of GroupLove, All the ladies who contributed to ‘Missus on yer back’ and everyone who sent in jokes and confessions, Duice Bar for hosting our launch night - it was fab and Thanks to Saz for being ace once again throughout the making.
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