Take control over your life through mediation

DIVORCE DOESN'T STOP YOU FROM BEING A PARENT TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR DIVORCE THROUGH MEDIATION

Chapter One You chose each other to be parents. You wondered what your child would look like with your eyes and his ears. You both though of names for your child and were present together when the child was born. You both watched your child’s first steps and heard their first words.

You worked and you sacrificed together to raise this

child.

Now you wonder where you stand now that you are headed for divorce. You wonder if you will lose your relationship with your child through the divorce process.

The question is how you will COMMUNICATE with your child’s other parent when you are in conflict?

Many parents want to co-parent with their child’s other parent. That’s a wonderful wish. Most parents will fail because they will use the wrong style of conflict resolution during the divorce process.

If you haven’t guessed it yet I am

talking about you using litigation as a way to resolve your divorce dispute.

Litigation is not a process you will wish engage in IF your wish is to co-parent.

You will have to find another way to resolve conflict. It’s that simple. It’s important to match your style of conflict resolution within the best legal model of dispute resolution.

The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI) assesses an individual’s behavior in conflict situations—that is, situations in which the concerns of two people appear to be incompatible. In conflict situations, we can describe a person’s behavior along two basic dimensions*: (1) assertiveness, the extent to which the individual attempts to satisfy his or her own concerns, and (2) cooperativeness, the extent to which the individual attempts to satisfy the other person’s concerns. These two dimensions of behavior can be used to define five methods of dealing with conflict.

These five conflict-handling modes are shown below.

From the Thomas-Kilmann

Conflict Mode Instrument Profile and Interpretive Report Copyright 2001, 2007 by CPP, Inc.

Conflict is a natural part of human interaction. miscommunication, individual perspective and opinion.

Conflict arises from Everyone has a basic

personal conflict style to resolve conflict in their life.

Your conflict resolution style is based upon your personality, upbringing and work experience. Your conflict style keeps you in control of your environment. It provides you a compass, a way to direct yourself and you keep you safe.

The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI) assesses an individual’s behavior

in

conflict

situations—that is, situations in which the concerns of two people

appear

incompatible.

In

to

be

conflict

situations, we can describe a person’s behavior along two basic dimensions*: (1) assertiveness, the extent to which the individual attempts to satisfy his or her own concerns, and (2) cooperativeness, the extent to which the individual attempts to satisfy the other person’s concerns. These two dimensions of behavior can be used to define five methods of dealing with conflict. These five conflict-handling modes are shown below.

From the Thomas-

Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument Profile and Interpretive Report Copyright 2001, 2007 by CPP, Inc.

Notice that compromise fits squarely in the chart between the four quadrants of Competing, Collaborating, Avoiding and Accommodating. Decades of testing and you have a good reason to believe that mediation is a perfect solution for resolving your dispute. Mediation in fact resolves over 90% of litigation cases.

If co-parenting is your goal you will want to use a mediation process that promotes problem solving and communication. Mediation styles are broken down into four basic classifications: 1. Facilitative, 2. Transformative, 3. Problem Solving, and 4. Evaluative.

Through Facilitative mediation, the mediator structures a process to assist the parties in reaching a mutually agreeable resolution. The mediator asks questions, validates and normalizes parties’ points of view; searches for interests underneath the positions taken by the parties and assists the parties in finding and analyzing options for resolution. The facilitative mediator does not make recommendations to the parties, give his or her own advice or predict what a court would do. The mediator is in charge of the outcome.

Transformative mediation is structured opposite to the facilitative construct.

During transformative mediation the parties are in charge of the mediation and the mediator helps facilitate the discussion, perhaps rephrasing each party’s position.

Transformative mediation is relatively new to the family law arena. It is my opinion that if you work with a mental health professional PRIOR to mediation, transformative mediations offer a unique and powerful venue to REGAIN COMMUNICATION between yourself and your child’s other parent.

Problem solving mediation may use a team based approach using experts such as a psychologist, CPA or other designated expert. The parties look for solutions to

problems with the assistance of the mediator based upon the opinions of the experts proffered. Think of problem solving mediation as a quasi-collaborative in nature.

Evaluative mediation is more conclusions based. The mediator, typically a former judge or highly experienced family law attorney, will provide the parties with possible outcomes if the parties go to litigation. The parties base their outcomes not by communication BUT through compromise. Certain mediation communities have refused to categorize evaluative mediations as a form of mediation, considering it more of a settlement conference.

MATCHING CONFLICT PERSONALITY STYLE WITH CONFLICT MODEL Matching

Legal Model

Personal Conflict Style

For Conflict Resolution

Cooperative and Assertive

Transformative Mediation Problem Solving Mediation Collaborative Law**

Uncooperative and Assertive Evaluative Mediation Facilitative Mediation

A peaceful solution prevents further damage in your existing relationship with your child’s other parent. If evaluative mediation is the BEST OPTION, take it. If you have a better option I implore you to choose either a problem solving style or transformative approach to mediation.

Why?

Because in either

transformative or problem solving you are engaging and taking control over your life and over your ability to communicate with your child’s other parent.

IF CONTINENTS CAN MOVE, SO CAN YOUR CHILDS OTHER PARENT: At the early stages of divorce many divorces head to litigation simply because one parent wishes to choose litigation to resolve their dispute. Why? Stop think and assess. Most importantly think long term. If you understand that ninety percent of all cases settle outside of litigation, does it make sense to choose litigation to start your divorce matter? Is it in your interest to accept a model that comes at high cost and brings your children into conflict?

Pick up the phone and talk to your spouse. See if you can get on the same page about different ways to resolve your dispute. Is there a better way that we can resolve our differences? Then ask: CAN WE DO BETTER?

Start by addressing the needs of your child. Talk to your spouse and answer these questions: 1. How can we work together and be parents to our child?

2. Can we talk to a neutral mental health professional to get direction in our case?

3. Can we go to mediation?

4. Can we consider a collaborative divorce?

5. How will we resolve future problems to avoid future conflict?

Parents should be focusing on: 1. How will our child be affected by our divorce.

2. Day Care 3. Child Support 4. Parenting Schedules 5. Holidays 6. Schooling 7. Religion 8. Extracurricular activities.

9. Child’s Schedule 10.Discipline Focusing on the primary issues that need to be resolved for life POSTDIVORCE goes a long way to choosing what conflict style you need to choose to resolve your dispute.