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We’ve Decided to Get Divorced: How Do We Tell the Kids?

Honey A. Sheff, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist, Collaborative Divorce Professional, Parenting Coordinator

You’ve made the tough decision—perhaps one of the hardest you’ve ever had to make. It was agonizing, and perhaps a long time coming, but the two of you believe that this is the best choice for your family. But now, how do you tell the children?

Telling your children about an upcoming or pending divorce is perhaps the most painful conversation that you will ever have. Truly, the only conversation that would be more difficult would be to tell them that

one

of

the

parents had died.

For most children this

is

a

9/11

1

moment: they will remember the when and the where forever.

They will remember the big details and the small ones. And they will remember the words that you used.

Therefore, before you can even think about what to say, it is important to consider the timing of this information, which is often one of the parameters overlooked in the emotion of the decision. As a parent, it is

For most children this is their 9/11 moment, they will remember the WHEN and WHERE of their Parent’s Divorce FOREVER

extremely important to see this experience from your child’s perspective.

Once the actual decision is finally made, you are often driven by anxiety to tell your child as quickly as possible; as much to inform them as to escape your own feelings of stress and tension that build as time goes on and you feel like you are “keeping a secret”. What you need to understand is that hearing the news about parental divorce is often traumatic for 2

most children, and typically unexpected. That is why it is so important that you recognize not only the impact of this news on your child but why the timing matters. Where they are, when it occurs, and what is going on at the time are all variables imprinted on your child’s memory and subsequent recall of this experience. It is therefore critical that you NOT tell your child about a pending divorce around a “recurring anniversary�

Do not tell your child about a pending divorce around a anniversary event event that will get triggered every year such as holidays, birthdays, beginning and ending of school/summer or other significant events. You remember 9-11 EVERY year on September 11th, and even unconsciously relive the trauma that hearing about the Twin Towers crash caused you.

Similarly, if you contaminate a significant event with this news of divorce, each time that event recurs, potentially for the rest of their lives, they will

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recall “oh yeah, THIS is when you told me about the divorce” (and my life changed forever) and re-experience, even briefly, a pang of grief and sadness that accompanied the original news, never really allowing that wound to fully heal. At times, of course, it is simply not possible to do the “ideal” and in that instance, I encourage you to seek further guidance on how to best structure the timing to mitigate some of the potential fallout.

Parents in the throes of a divorce are often not thinking clearly, but the goal for the sake of your children, is to share this painful news in not only the best possible way, but at the best possible time.

Once you’ve decided on the general timing, it makes the most sense to have this talk with your children over the weekend, preferably on a Saturday morning or early afternoon, although sometimes you do have to plan around your children’s busy activity schedule. Children should be told at home, using the kitchen, den, living room or game room but not their bedrooms. I like to recommend that parents bring in donuts or pastries, or lunch treats if it’s later in the day, as this serves as both a distraction and lays the groundwork for the children that “something is up”.

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It is extremely important to remember that this conversation is the first of many, and is simply providing the foundation for having future talks as they process the information and life moves on. Consequently, depending on the age of the children and the number of questions asked, this initial talk should take no more than 10-15 minutes, especially since they will not remember very much after you say “We are getting divorced”.

Children demonstrate a wide variety of emotional and behavioral

Lay the groundwork that “something is up.”

responses to the news ranging from shock and anger and tantrums to sadness and tears to no reaction at all, as if “it’s no big deal” or they knew it was coming and were therefore more prepared. There is no response that is “wrong” or “abnormal” unless it is at such an intense level that you are worried about your child’s safety. In the hundreds of families with

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whom I’ve structured and scripted this talk, the most extreme reaction I’ve heard is when a child ran out of the house and up into a tree (which they were also prepared to deal with). On the flip side, you must also be prepared for your own emotional responses. It is okay to be sad and it is okay to cry. It is also okay not to cry if that is not your usual reaction to such situations. By showing your own emotion, in the way that you

By showing your own emotion…it lets your child know that this is hard, and it gives them permission for their own feelings….

typically do, it lets your children know that this is hard and it gives them permission for their own feelings. It would benefit both of you to think about how your children might react, and how likely they are to either be “shocked” or to have some idea that this was coming.

So, you’ve scheduled the talk and you’ve set the stage. You’ve readied yourself for your children’s reaction as well as your own. Now what?

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It is very important that both parents actively participate in this discussion and to start you can simply ask your children to come into the kitchen as you have something important to discuss with them. At this point, depending on your family circumstances, one of your children might ask: “are you getting divorced?” If this happens, quite frankly, your child is giving you a gift (and telling you not only that they “know” but are more prepared to hear this news than you likely anticipated) and you accept it by simply saying, “yes, and that is what we want to discuss with you”. If not, then after everyone is settled in, with their donuts or pastries, one of you can introduce the discussion, by stating “we have made the very difficult decision to get divorced”.

The pronoun that you use, such as “we”, which is preferred, is a

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that you use “divorce” rather than euphemisms that often muddy the picture and confuse the children. Once you’ve crossed the initial hurdle, there are several “must tell” messages that need to occur in the next 10 to 15 minutes (and as often as you can thereafter in future discussions).

There is no special order to them, and I encourage you to say the same things in different ways for the message to sink in:

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STARTING OFF THE CONVERSATION 1) We will always love you and nothing can change that 2) We will always be your parents and we will always be a family, just a different kind of family 3) This is not your fault and this has nothing to do with you (you did not cause this and you cannot fix this) 4) This is a grown-up decision and not something that you can change (this is a final decision) 5) Some things will change moving forward, and some things won’t (be prepared to provide examples of both: “you will have two homes” “you will continue to play baseball and soccer”) 6) This is for the best, even if it doesn’t feel that way, and we will all be okay

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After the initial shock wears off, the remaining discussion becomes very child-centric. Your children will want to know “how does this affect ME?” They will often, but not always, have questions that I encourage you to answer to the degree that you can. Do not be afraid, however, to say “I don’t know” but follow that with, “as soon as we do, we will tell you”. Do not make assertions that you are unsure of (e.g., you will continue to live in the same house) or promises you may be unable to keep (e.g., you will

KIDS WILL WANT TO KNOW… HOW DOES THIS EFFECT ME?

continue to attend private school through graduation).

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WHAT KIDS WANT TO KNOW

Why? Whose decision was this?

Where will we live?

Will we stay in the house?

Will we go to the same school/church?

Will I still be able to play…. Or do…..?

Who else knows? Can I tell my friends?

Do you still love mom? Do you still love Dad?

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moment: they will remember the when and the where forever.

They will remember the big details and the small ones. And they will remember the words that you used.

Therefore, before you can even think about what to say, it is important to consider the timing of this information, which is often one of the parameters overlooked in the emotion of the decision. As a parent, it is

For most children this is their 9/11 moment, they will remember the WHEN and WHERE of their Parent’s Divorce FOREVER

extremely important to see this experience from your child’s perspective.

Once the actual decision is finally made, you are often driven by anxiety to tell your child as quickly as possible; as much to inform them as to escape your own feelings of stress and tension that build as time goes on and you feel like you are “keeping a secret”. What you need to understand is that hearing the news about parental divorce is often traumatic for 2

recall “oh yeah, THIS is when you told me about the divorce” (and my life changed forever) and re-experience, even briefly, a pang of grief and sadness that accompanied the original news, never really allowing that wound to fully heal. At times, of course, it is simply not possible to do the “ideal” and in that instance, I encourage you to seek further guidance on how to best structure the timing to mitigate some of the potential fallout.

Parents in the throes of a divorce are often not thinking clearly, but the goal for the sake of your children, is to share this painful news in not only the best possible way, but at the best possible time.

Once you’ve decided on the general timing, it makes the most sense to have this talk with your children over the weekend, preferably on a Saturday morning or early afternoon, although sometimes you do have to plan around your children’s busy activity schedule. Children should be told at home, using the kitchen, den, living room or game room but not their bedrooms. I like to recommend that parents bring in donuts or pastries, or lunch treats if it’s later in the day, as this serves as both a distraction and lays the groundwork for the children that “something is up”.

4

Answering these questions are beyond the scope of this article, but if you think you will need guidance on how to respond to these kind of queries I encourage you to seek assistance from a local professional who can help you customize your script to your unique family circumstances.

Finally, what do you do after? Some families benefit from going for a family hike or to the local park. Others go to a movie or out for a snack.

Other families just spend some time at home, either all together or alone

WHAT DO YOU DO AFTER?

as they process the emotional cataclysm this news creates. It is important that both parents remain available to your children in the days following so that your actions follow your words. It is also helpful to check in periodically on how your children are doing, or to answer any questions, taking the opportunity to deliver the “must tell� messages in a unified manner. There are many books available for young children that may be useful during the weeks that follow this talk as a way to reinforce the

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same messages. As hard as this discussion may be, you will survive and so will your children and you will all be better off for the time and effort you have taken to prepare and to tell them this news in the best possible way. Good luck.

By: Honey A. Sheff, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist, Collaborative Divorce Professional, Parenting Coordinator

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My smile doesn’t mean everything is okay .

Part of Kids First Parents Second mission is to helps kids cope with life during and after the divorce process. Being on the front line has given us a unique perspective on issues these kids face.

These kids entered our room at first polite, reserved and then irritated. They were irritated that they had to take time off of a Saturday and be at our class. They were irritated that someone was about to tell them that everything was going to be okay. Everything was obviously not okay.

The kids looked at us in shock. "We’re here to be talking about MY feelings?" Many thought we were going to tell them everything was going to be okay. We saw kids who were more worried about their parent’s feelings than their own.

Over time things changed, especially after the movie "Inside Out" came out. It all of a sudden was cool for kids to and talked to kids about anger, sadness, fear and joy. We came up with a spinning wheel that kids could spin, which would land on different key emotions. When they spun the wheel the kids WANTED it to land on ANGER, they wanted to talk about ANGER and they wanted to know how to deal with ANGER.

PROJECT TEXAS

It was these same kids who went back to their parents with smiles saying everything was okay. These kids were comforting their parents, assuring mom and dad that they were okay. That's what kids do, they try to please and not cause unnecessary problems.

Parents who are involved in a divorce with conflict are going to have a very hard time of understanding exactly how their young children truly are feeling. That is not necessarily the case when parents have teenage children.

Teenagers do not exist to please their parents. They have their own identities, their own wants and needs.

Parents are shocked that their teenagers now have become distant or seem consumed with nothing but hate.

The way we see it, many children, regardless of their age, are going to be angry when their parent’s divorce. Many children, regardless of age, are going to feel sad and hopeless.

Divorce is a life altering event that is hard to understand and comprehend. Kids need to know that they have the ability to express themselves. Kids need their parents help to become resilient in the face of the sudden change.

If children are not allowed to transition through the divorce process they will have problems. In the short term it might mean uncontrolled outbursts of anger. In the long term the child may face depression, anxiety or even worse.

So when you see that child's smiling face, dig a little deeper. Don't just ask, interact. You know you are going through a major change in your life, know that your kids are too. For more information, visit us at www.kidsfirstparentssecond.org.

PROJECT TEXAS

TEENAGERS AND DIVORCE

Divorcing parents should expect to encounter the wrath of their teenage child. Teenagers typically experience failing grades and antisocial behavior during and after their parent’s divorce. As a parent, what are your options?

Divorce does not mean that your teenage child has to suffer. Divorce or not, parents need to communicate effectively and share information with one another.

Parents need to be on the same page to provide needed love, guidance and discipline to their teenager.

At Kids First Parents Second, it was obvious that these teenage children felt lost. Most of these children simply wanted to be left alone. It was that basic human right that led to us helping the teenagers creating a Bill of Rights for the Divorcing Family. The teenager, along with their parents would sign the Bill and it would become the “law” in the family household.

Enclosed is a sample “Bill of Rights” for your families use. Feel free to print the Bill of Rights for your family OR talk to your teenager and create your own families Bill of Rights. Tell us about your “Bill of Rights” Story on our facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/conflictorcollaborative/.

KIDS FIRST PARENTS SECOND

I am your teenage son or daughter. I have rights in your divorce. I did not plan for your divorce. I planned on having a normal teenage life full of emotional ups and downs. I planned on worrying about acne, geometry and going on my first date.

I need to inform you that I have some basic rights, and I want those rights respected by both of you. These rights include:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

I have the right to be left alone.

I have the right to ask questions, when I feel the need to‌ I have the right to be angry and speak my mind.

I have the right to not be placed in the middle of your conflict.

I have the right to be with my friends.

I have the right to do the things that make me happy.

I have the right to ask how this divorce is going to affect me.

I have the right to both parents, and not feel that I have to choose between you.

I have the right to know that you will act in my best interest.

I have the right to be happy and find happiness.

Signed on this the

of 20

From your child

Having read your request, your parents plan to honor and respect your rights as a teenager in this divorce. We will give you the room that you need to heal during this painful time while providing you guidance just like we always have. We sign this bill of rights understanding that you will look to your parents for continued love and support.

Mom

KIDS FIRST PARENTS SECOND

Dad

Do One Thing - and Then Another!

By

Rick Theis, Ph.D. "If you want to improve children's opportunities for success, one of the most powerful potential levers for change is not the children themselves, but rather the attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors of the adults who surround them." (New York Times, May 21, 2016)

Empathy - the capacity to place oneself in another's position Grieving - a response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone, to

which a bond or affection was formed.

Grandparents, aunts, uncles and teachers!

Visit our Kids First Parents Second website and click on Our Path To Courage Acivity Page.

Our page provides free downloads to help kids of divorce.

These kids will have questions. Help them look for an answer.

Our Path to Courage is designed to help kids start engaging, participating and vocalizing their feelings.

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On Apples, Oranges and Little Green Fruit!

MOMMY DADDY TROUBLES “MOMMY and DADDY TROUBLES” This Book helps Young Children Cope with Life during and after their parent’s divorce.

Our "Mommy Daddy Troubles" book is available for sale on Amazon as well as through our

For Children Four to Six years of Old, “Mommy and Daddy Troubles” is a book about Albert McIntosh, Ida Valencia and one green fruit. When Albert and Ida fall in love they run and get married waiting for the day when they can have a child together. When Little Fruit comes it is the happies day of their life. After they discover that apples and oranges don’t mix, Little Fruit must figure out life AFTER his parents move into two separate homes.

website. Becky and I wrote the book to give young kids a resource that would help them understand what a divorce is going to mean to them. It was our hope that parents would understand that kids are greatly affected by their parent's divorce no matter how peaceful the process is.

For Kids 4-5

EMPOWERING AND BUILDING RESILIENCY “KIDS LOVE COUPONS!” Kids First Parent Second developed

coupons

for

children of divorce using the characters from our

Free Pass

book, “Mommy and Daddy Troubles.”

Kids love coupons, who knew?

Sometimes kids just miss their parents. A free pass coupons lets young kids know that a phone call to Mom or Dad is just a coupon away.

Kids can print off the coupons we provided or BETTER YET they can create their own!

KIDSFIRSTPARENTSSECOND

EMPOWERING AND BUILDING RESILIENCY “KIDS NIGHT OUT” Share your “Kids Night Out” Stories with us on Facebook At Kids First Parents Second

KIDS NIGHT OUT Sometimes kids need a break. A “Kids Night Out” coupon is one where the child gets to say “I’m important, let's do something for me tonight!”

-

Path to Courage If every parent is affected by divorce it seems to reason that every child is as well. The question is the degree by which each child is affected. Children need to learn how to transition from the life they had before to their life they will have after their parent’s divorce. Young children need to learn how to become resilient with the changes that they face, no matter how small they may be.

Resiliency is defined in the Oxford dictionary as the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties. Kids First Parent Second has developed a path to courage to help children ages four to six take the necessary steps to becoming resilient to life during the divorce process.

From learning to ask a question to finding a quiet zone, the path to courage gets kids to stop and think. Identifying how you feel, after all, goes a long way in knowing how to express those feelings and move forward. Our Path to Courage handbook is available on payloadz.com at http://store.payloadz.com/details/2281249-documents-andforms-manuals-kids-in-divorce-curriculum-4-5-little-fruit-and-the-six-steps-tocourage.html

The Rainbow Guide was created to empower and develop resiliency in children affected by divorce.

HOW TO DEAL WITH ANGER AND SADNESS QUIET ZONES

Purchases will be used to fund the mission of Kids First Parents Second a registered 501c(3) organization.

AND HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN!

JOY

FOR CHILDREN FOUR TO SEVEN YEARS OF AGE The Rainbow Guide is available for purchase for $4.99 on Payloadz at http://store.payloadz.com/go/?id=2252313

KIDS FIRST PARENTS SECOND

Divorce Resources for Pre-Teens 10 to 13 years of age

Journal Writing Pre-teens use journals to create an historical account of events that occurred in their daily life. Pre-teens in divorce should make sure that they also write about their emotions. Pre-teens who are faithful to this craft will be able to better organize their thoughts and feelings and communicate more clearly to friends, parents, teachers or counselors.

Journal writing creates a pre-teen that is more resilient, one who is able to transition through difficult events and circumstances.

Children who can talk about anger sadness and hopelessness are the same children who can begin to write about their feelings.

The emotions contained in our spinning wheel of emotions create a perfect word bank children can use when writing their journals. **** PRIVACY RULE ***** THIS JOURNAL IS THE CHILD’S ACCOUNT OF THEIR INNERMOST THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. PARENTS SHOULD AVOID READING (OR USING) THE JOURNAL AGAINST THEIR PRE-TEEN.

KIDS FIRST PARENTS SECOND

ONE DAD’S STORY

“I ended leaving Texas and taking a job in Minnesota after my divorce. There were simply no jobs available that would provide me the income I needed to pay child support and put food on the table.

Moving meant that I was going to have to spend time away from my four year old child . I knew that he was very fond of comic books and loved Spiderman. So I had an idea….

During the weeks that we were apart from one another we would start reading comic books together on Skype. After I bought him some action figures we started to play with Spiderman, Doc Octopus, and the Green Goblin. Before you knew it we were making up our own stories along the way.

HOW

COMICS

AND

HELPED ME STAY IN CONTACT WITH MY SON

Every time I had a Skype call my child would tell me stories about Spidey that he had thought of during the week. Skype Stan Lee and Marvel Comics helped my son and I through a very tough time!”

KIDS ACTIVITIES “Divorce didn’t mean that I stopped being a parent. Divorce just meant that my ex and I had to work together. We both wanted our children to be involved in activities that would help them grow.

So our daughter wanted to be in girl scouts and our son wanted to play basketball. No problem. I made sure that I became an assistant coach for the basketball team and my ex became involved in the scouting program. I made sure to show up for scout meetings and award ceremonies. My ex made sure to show up for our child’s basketball games.

BUILDING A RESILIENT CHILD AND BETTER RELATIONSHIPS

Our children thought this was “bonus time” to spend with mom and dad. They were excited to see us participating in their lives.

These activities had nothing to do with how my ex and I interacted. Looking back, we didn’t have to truly deal with one another that much. All we had to do was focus on meeting the needs of our children. “

Grandparents have the power to help parents focus on what is important during the divorce process.

THE TALE OF TWO GRANDPARENTS The Tale of the Over Protective Grandmother “I am taking my daughters side in this, no matter what.” One Grandma exclaimed.

Her daughter Jodie had really gone through a lot with her husband John and it was finally time for all this nonsense to end. Grandma saw the divorce as a time to get even with John for all the things he did against her family during his marriage to Jodie. “John does not need to see the kids until court” Grandma told Jodie “It’s better for them to start to move on with their life.”

Divorce was not something that Grandma was used to. She and her husband had been married together for over three decades. No one in her family had been divorced before. Grandma thought little of John and was embarrassed that he had ever been in her family.

Grandma took her daughter to the law offices of a few attorneys she knew who were part of her congregation. Grandma provided the retainer for the lawyer and gave him instructions on how she wanted her daughter’s divorce to proceed.

During the divorce Jodie’s life was dictated by Grandma’s rules. John was not allowed to either call or see his children until he obtained an attorney.

The New Age Grandfather

“Don’t think I’m taking sides between you two.” Grandpa said. “John, when you are coming to town to visit, you’re going to stay at my house and visit the kids. It doesn’t make any sense for you to pay for a hotel when you have that child support obligation to pay.”

Grandpa kept on, “Jodie if John’s over here I don’t want to hear you to arguing with one another, the kids do not hear all that.” Grandpa continued “John, why aren’t you calling your kids during the week anyway?”

The Power of a Grandparent Grandparents set a powerful tone for parents of divorce, especially when they are young parents. Given the two tales presented, what type of Grandparent do you want to be?

Recommended Checklist for Grandparents

_________

Take your grandchildren out for a night out. Help them understand your role is to listen to their needs and not judge either parent. Make sure to engage with them OUTSIDE the presence of their parents.

_________

Call the other set of grandparents. Help them understand you are here to solve problems not create them. If you have pictures of your grandchildren NOW is a good time to share them.

__________

Listen to both parents and try to understand where they are coming from. What are their wants and needs?

___________

Show the parents ways to problem solve through their issues.

Move the parents away from civil litigation, if at all possible.

___________

Make sure to invite EITHER parent to sit with you during any activities that the child is involved in. See your grandchild’s face when you are all sitting down together and supporting them.

___________

I am a Grandparent and I am awesome!

GRANDPARENTS

#1

SUPER HERO'S ASSEMBLE!

KIDS FIRST PARENTS SECOND

Spider-Man's true identity was Peter Parker.

When Spider-Man wasn't fighting with Doc Octopus or Lizard man he was just trying to get through everyday life as his alter ego, Peter Parker.

Peter, just like Spider-man was a superhero because he was resourceful and found ways to adapt to beat impossible odds.

Without Peter, there never would have been a Spider-man!

So who wants to be a superhero? index

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