Kfps october magazine 2016

KIDS FIRST PARENTS SECOND

Journal Writing for Kids An A-Z Guide to Help Divorced Parents Find Common Ground

Helping Families Affected by Divorce Ernest Karem - An interview with a Mediator

OCTOBER 2016

Table of Contents

What we expect.....

Teenage Bill of Rights

Index

2

Benefits of Mediation

8

Transitions

4

Divorce Coach

16

You Have a Choice

6

A Better Divorce

19

My Smile ....

Transitions in Divorce

Beginners Guide

21

Rainbows for Children

46

How do you tell your children?

27

Helping Kids find their voice

60

Family Wellness

29

Talk to Strangers

67

How Not to Mess Up

32

Kids Resources

62

How to Be Great Parents

34

Amicable App

76

The Echo of Divorce

36

Donate Page

82

Teenagers Journal Writing

58

Co-Parenting Video

23

Broken Circle Project

72

The Power of a Grandparent

78

Kids First Parents Second Flipboard and Social Media

3

51

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Wishing for an Amicable Divorce?

Go

Back

to

the

Communication!

1

Basic

ABC’s

of

When you went to school as a kid you knew, or quickly learned, how to interact with your fellow classmates. You knew that conflict would usually erupt if you crossed certain lines.

Many divorcing parents need to be reminded of these basic rules when dealing with their ex spouse.

Many parents in fact find

themselves involved in unneccessary conflict when they violate these simple rules.

How do I know this? Twenty years of practicing law has taught me that so.

Many conflicts that come to court arise

because parents do not understand how to communicate.

Parents failure to communicate costs them needless financial expense and mental anguish.

Before you say “this isn’t me” I want you to sit back and evaluate your situation. I have yet to see a court hearing where one or both parents have violated the basic ABC’s that are included. So lets begin!

If you are thinking “I’m better than this.”

Think Again!

2

“The following is an excerpt from the A to Z Guide to Cooperative Parenting�

By Matt Sossi

A‌.

Avoid useless conflicts People who are recently separated or divorced usually feel extremely irritated or uncomfortable when dealing with their exes. Unfortunately, parties are provided little understanding of how to interact with one another other than to follow their court orders and take a basic parenting education class. Most divorced parents fall into adversarial relationships with their ex-spouses, as they simply lack sufficient training to learn how to communicate effectively with one another.

It is important to address the many factors that incite conflict. The most common reason for conflict is a lack of emotional closure. In this situation, conflict is created to establish some sort of interaction or relationship between the parties. The conflict creates a means by which people have power over one another.

People also do not abandon conflict because of their stubborn need to be right. Some individuals are so entrenched in the notion that they are right that they abandon reason and effective compromise over disputes regarding their children. These individuals lack the ability to step back and

3

KIDS FIRST PARENTS SECOND

No one ever said divorce was going to be easy. The end of a relationship is hard for one and all in the divorcing family.

What are your options in how your divorce is going to be handled?

be objective, which prevents them from seeing what needs to be done to address their children’s actual needs.

Prolonged conflict comes at a great financial and emotional cost. The cost will affect your relationship with your children in both the short and the long term. Simply put, there is no benefit to maintaining a course that puts you in constant conflict with your ex. People who have endured years of constant conflict with their ex feel nothing but trapped and saddened by the entire experience, understanding too late the cost of their actions.

If you want to remove continuous conflicts with your ex, change what you are doing and how you are acting. Remember the reason why you divorced in the first place. Why put yourself in a situation that creates the very conflict you swore that you would never go back to?

“If you want to keep getting what you are getting….keep doing what you are doing!”

4

C‌.

Choose your words carefully While it is true that sticks and bones can break your bones, words can also irritate you to no end. Who doesn’t remember a mean word an ex said, when it was said, and who heard it? Normally, your response to the words uttered is negative, and you pine for the day when appropriate words can be said in return. The back and forth petulant remarks create a cycle that is repeated again and again.

On your end, take responsibility of your actions. If all you can say to your ex are four letter words and insults—stop talking. If you feel the urge to vent your anger, go to the gym or take a walk. After your divorce, the only things that you should be talking to your ex about are issues concerning the child, not things that occurred during the marriage and certainly not your feelings.

If you can avoid constant communication, you have the best chance of focusing all interactions on the needs of your child. Limiting interaction also allows you to be patient and courteous enough that you will not regret the manner in which you talk to your ex. Find a way to share information; parent portals or programs such as Family Wizard significantly lessen the need for you to interact with your ex.

Sending messages by email is a great way to be direct and concise when communicating with an ex. If you find yourself typing some 5

ridiculous rant, go ahead and type away, just remember to hit the delete button. Remember, all your ex needs is information, so send your ex the true contents of whatever information you need relayed and walk away from the computer.

Sometimes it is also beneficial to have a programmed response if you do have to talk directly to your ex. You certainly would never get in trouble with saying, “How’s the weather?” Or, “How’s your mom and dad doing?”

In other words, have a programmed statement you will say in your head and use to avoid saying something stupid that might create unnecessary conflict..

Limited interaction is best in a hostile breakup because your children will see how you react with the other parent, and if it is negative, they will be affected negatively by it. If your child sees that you hate your ex, what is the message you think you are sending? Will your child take your ex’s side and think that you are the true reason why you no longer are a family? Will your child take your side and believe that it is acceptable to hate your ex?

There is no positive side effect for your children watching you have a confrontational relationship with your ex.

G....

Go with the flow Up until your divorce, there was a certain routine to your life. Many parents’ routines during the marriage were spent addressing the needs of the children. Your children needed to wake up, get dressed, and be ready

6

for the events of the day. Perhaps both you and your ex’s work schedule rotated around these needs.

Being divorced does not mean that your children’s daily needs change. Regardless of what time you have with your children, you will make sure that they are fed, groomed, and prepared for each day’s events. If you focus on maintaining the children’s routines as best as you can, you and your ex can work through an agreement that best promotes that routine.

Going with the flow prevents you and your ex from rewriting the ways in which the children are used to interacting with their parents. There will obviously be need for changes, but the idea remains the same. If you are the parent who coaches their children in soccer, basketball, or baseball, you should be allowed to continue that. If you are the parent who has always taken the children to church, you should be allowed to do that as well. Your right to engage in the activities your children loved to share with you should not be interrupted simply because of your ex’s visitation schedule.

Going with the flow and maintaining the activities you enjoyed sharing with your children should go a long way to minimizing conflict with your ex. Focus on the ways in which your ex best interacts with your children and you will be rewarded for it. Staying within a certain schedule creates consistency in the child’s life and much needed stability.

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M.......

Maintain objectivity Before a dispute turns into a genuine conflict, both parents need to decide what action they want to take and what consequence they will face because of it. Moving forward, hiring an attorney and taking an ex back to court will have one consequence. Making concessions and working out an agreement will result in another consequence. You will hope that the direction you take is the one best suited to meet the needs of your child.

You likely will have yourself, your friends, and your parents to guide you through this thought process. For young people, friends and parents will want you to distance yourself from your ex; they love you and want the best for you. From their point of view, the best thing for you is to avoid communication with your ex altogether.

Let’s say that you have been told that your ex had an overnight guest during his visitation weekend with the children. Your children also tell you that this overnight guest was a woman they have never met before. Your friends immediately blurt out, “That son of a bitch! I can’t believe that he 10

just got divorced and is moving in some other girl.” Your parents say, “Who knows who this person is? She could be a drug addict!” You walk to the phone to call a family law attorney for an emergency injunction to prevent your ex from engaging in such conduct—then, you pause.

Over the long term, the one person who most likely has the best chance of being objective is you. You have the best working knowledge of your ex, his or her wants and wishes, and strengths and weaknesses. Before deciding if your disagreement is a bona fide dispute, go through a checklist and see what you come up with.

1. Do I know all the facts of what’s going on?

2. From what I am being told¸ is this something that I see my ex being involved with or doing?

3. What does my ex think about the situation at hand? Will he/she be truthful with me about what is going on?

4. If I confront my ex about the situation, what will his/her response be?

5. Do I trust that that my ex will listen to my concerns?

6. Do I trust that my ex will be honest, address my concerns, and adjust his/her behavior accordingly?

7. Is it in my children’s best interest that I interfere and modify the periods of visitation my ex has?

8. What is your plan of action? How are you going to handle the situation?

By calling your ex you discover that the person staying the night was your ex’s sister Sally who arrived late from the airport. What your friends believed was the “great crisis of the day” was no issue at all. You just saved 11

yourself needless worry by contacting your ex directly. Do you see the importance of communicating? Do you see the importance of being objective?

Now, let us say you discover that your ex truly did have an unrelated person staying the night at his/her house. Not assuming the worst puts you in control of the situation when you tell your ex, “Surely you do not think it’s a good idea to have some stranger at your house that the kids never met before.” You give the appearance of being fair and objective, and you can control your emotions much more easily. Talking to your ex this way puts you in control of the situation and places your ex in a no-win situation.

What can your ex truly say to disagree with you on how you feel about this particular situation?

By effectively communicating, you find that you are now in control of how to you handle difficult situations. You have shown your ex that you have remained calm and impartial until you spoke to him/her to find out the truth of the situation. You have shown that you think that your ex would never place your children in such a situation. It is up to your ex to lose the trust that you have placed in him or her.

12

TEEN NATION Dear Mom and Dad I will not listen to what you have to say. I will know more than you. I will do what I want to do. I will test your patience. I will frustrate you to no end.

I will get lost without your direction.

I will learn how to handle my problems based upon your mistakes.

Please be the parents that I need you to be.

Work together and show me the way.

KIDS FIRST PARENTS SECOND

YOUR SONS AND DAUGHTERS #WEARE TEEN NATION

Y....

Your Children Need to see that You can Resolve Conflict When we age, we reflect on our lives, and we pay special attention to what our parents taught us. We look to our parents to teach us basic life skills, how we should approach the world. Parents try, from day one, to teach children to live happy and healthy lives.

Regardless of the positive teachings we try to impart on our children, we also pass on our imperfections and our weaknesses or, as I like to say, our dysfunctional behaviors. Those exact dysfunctional habits are what our children, for some reason, gravitate toward. Therefore, it’s time to stop acting badly and time to start teaching your children better ways to solve problems.

You are engaging in dysfunctional behavior after your divorce if: 1. You are fighting with your ex in front of your children; 2. You are disparaging your ex in front of your children; 3. You are telling your children about legal proceedings; 4. You are telling your children about child support payments; 5. You are telling your children that they do not have to visit their other parent if they do not wish to; or 6. You hate your ex more than you love your children.

Be careful what you are teaching your children. Do you want your children to go through their own divorce? Do you want your children to live in a situation where they have continued conflict with their ex?

17

Your children can only learn from your dysfunctional behavior. Some of your children will believe that they should live with conflict. Some of your children will gravitate to relationships more contentious than the one you had. Those relationships may be emotionally or physically abusive. Any way you cut it, your children will suffer from your inability to communicate effectively with your ex.

Place as much focus on telling your children to study hard to get good grades as you do on having effective communication with your ex. Show your children a good example of how you should act when things go poorly with your ex, and always try to show your kids what it means to be the bigger person in an argument.

Z......

Zero in on the issues that truly matter It is a guarantee that many people involved in a divorce will feel overwhelmed and emotionally incapacitated. It is important to realize that many people continue to feel lost for a considerable period after their divorce. Zeroing in on important aspects of your children’s lives and sharing those concerns with your ex should, hopefully, direct both of you to work in your children’s best interests.

Your day-to-day actions will create your new reality. For example, if I want to lose weight, I need to put down the donuts and spend more time at the gym. The same process works when you divorce and are trying to determine your best course of action. The process is not automatic. It takes

18

time, and it will take repeated efforts to reach the goals you truly wish to achieve.

Focus on what your children need and chart a course that ensures their success. Attempt to get your ex on the same page and encourage them to see the logic of the path you want your children to take. If your ex excelled in math, it may be a great idea to encourage the notion that it is a great thing that your child takes pre-AP and AP classes in math, even if it means that both of you will have to sacrifice your own personal free time to help the child focus on studies. If your ex excelled in sports, it will be a great idea for you and your ex to plan a schedule ensuring that the child is going to practices and games. If the child is isolated, emotionally immature, and needs more exposure to other children, it would be a great idea to suggest ways the child can attend activities that will allow him or her to appropriately bond with peers.

Ask your ex to talk to teachers, counselors, or any other third person to understand your child’s exact needs. Sell your ex on the notion that you are here to promote the child’s needs and successes. If you can find that level of commitment between you, you will find success because you have changed the focus from that of your failed relationship to that of promoting your child’s well-being.

I have yet to hear parents say that they do not love their child, or that they would want to see the child harmed in any way. I have yet to see parents say that they would not do what’s necessary to ensure their child’s needs are being met. Every parent I know would sacrifice most, if not all, to accomplish this feat. By zeroing in on the child’s needs and sharing that

19

concern with your ex, you can create a new reality in which both of you are working toward a common path.

Learning the skills you will need on a daily basis to have a healthy coexistence with your ex will ultimately be trial by fire. You will have your good days and bad, and there will be times when you think you are in an impossible situation. It will take the very best effort from both of you to communicate with one another. Some people use a neutral friend, acquaintance, or relative to broker peaceful communication. Some people use therapists who are trained in giving you the tools necessary to interact with one another.

Understand that your ex’s fear and distrust will blind him or her in interactions with you. This fear and distrust diminishes the ability to help the child and will heighten conflict. Encourage your ex to focus on the things that are most important to the both of you—your children.

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"exceptional! …of great significance is the grounding of the co-parenting process in clearly articulated best practices for meeting the developmental needs of children.”

—Gloria DeGaetano, Founder, Director, Parent Coach International: “Parent Well & Transform the World!”

BOOK H WORKBOOK H VIDEO H EBOOK

www.coachmediateconsult.com

ISBN: 978-1495345869

For a child, what divorce breaks apart, strong co-parenting rebuilds. "this book contains the absolute essence of practical, healthy co-parenting for two homes. sound guidance, clear protocols, and compassionate insights—a much needed resource! a “must read” not only for co-parents, but also for anyone, especially counselors, interested in how to support changing families."

—Anne Lucas, MA, LMHC, Psychotherapist, Mediator, Divorce Coach, and Adjunct Faculty at Saybrook University; Past President of King County Collaborative Law

With a tested "here's how" approach, the Co-Parents' Handbook helps parents confidently take on the challenges of raising children in two homes. Addressing parents' questions about the emotional impact of separation, conflict, grief and recovery, the authors skillfully provide a roadmap for all members of the family to safely navigate through separation/ divorce and beyond. Parents discover through practical guidance how to move from angry/hurt partners to constructive,successful co-parents. The pages are chock-full of helpful strategies to resolve day-to-day issues in an easy-to-use format. This book is here to answer questions, help parents co-parent and ensure kids thrive!

Kristin Little, MA, MS, LMHC with over 17 years of experience serving children and families.

Kris safely guides parents and children through the emotional landscape of divorce. She serves on the board ofthe Collaborative Professionals of Washington.

(More about Kristin)

www.thecoparentshandbook.com

skillFul, child-centered parenting plan coaching at Your Finger tips!

W

e know kids do best when parents understand their children’s deep desire to stay connected to and be cared for

ISBN 978–1516917419

25 contributors from around the world bring a “chorus of voices” to the workbook to support parents with insights and inspirations in their parenting planning process

by both of them. A skillful parenting plan describes the structure, predictability and rhythm that ensure both parents can emerge from the uncertainty of

Felicia Malsby soleil, JD

separation/divorce into stable two-home family life. The agreements and guidelines set-out in

Felicia is the principle of Family Law Resolutions, PS, in

your parenting plan establish clarity about your

Gig Harbor, Washington. Her focus is collaborative divorce

responsibilities to one another, specify essential co-parenting tasks, and minimize unnecessary

and legal separation, nonadversarial matters, mediation,

conflict. Children thrive when confidence and security are present and parents think through

and consulting on all matters

parenting plan decisions, come to agreements, and implement changes to their family in a mature,

associated with transitioning couples and families.

She was named the 2010 Family Law Attorney of

non-adversarial manner. Come learn with us.

the Year by the Family Law Section of the TacomaPierce County Bar Association, recognizing her leadership in establishing Collaborative Law locally, as well as throughout Washington State.

(More about Felicia)

www.theparentingplanhandbook.com Streaming with downloadable workbook at www.covestream.com Workbook in paperback available at

"the co-parents' handbook is very comprehensive, detailed and engaging, with story examples and tips on almost every page. there are many books out now about co-parenting in divorce, but this is the most comprehensive i have seen for parents whose children are their highest priority." —Bill eddy, LCSW, Esq., President of the High Conflict Institute, and creator of New Ways for Families

KAren BonneLL, ARNP, MS, is a board-certified clinical

the intensity and worry for newly divorcing parents facing so much loss, changes enormously once

nurse specialist with over 30 years of experience guiding

everyone has settled into new rhythms, new-found security, and smoothly running homes. Karen Bonnell

parents through the turbulence of crisis and change. Karen has

has dedicated her work to this end: Building peaceful futures one family at a time.

served on the boards of King County Collaborative Law and the Collaborative Professionals of Washington. (More about Karen)

"Five stars: in addition to parents, every therapist, lawyer, coach, pastor, social worker, teacher, judge, etc, working with families struggling with separation/divorce should have a copy of this clearly written book." —Shelley Chambers, Licensed Clinical Social Worker

facebook.com/karenbonnellcmc

@karenbonnellcmc

Here’s to our efforts to ensure that family is the focus of family law; parents get the support and guidance they need to become strong co-parents, and kids thrive as each family changes, restructures, and finds the way into a confident optimistic two-home future.

Warm regards – and know it will always be my pleasure to hear from you.

Coach Karen Karen Bonnell, author of “The Co-Parents’ Handbook” and “The Parenting Plan Handbook.”

Karen Bonnell is the author of “Co-Parent Coaching: The Next Page in the Collaborative Playbook,” featured in The Collaborative Review: The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, Fall 2015 / Volume 15, Issue 2.

Karen Bonnell has served on the board of King County Collaborative Law and was a founding member of the Collaborative Professionals of Washington. She is a member of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals and Academy of Professional Family Mediators. She regularly presents on topics related to divorce and co-parent coaching, as well as advanced communication skills.

THE PARENTING PLAN HANDBOOK THE BOOK

DIVORCE PROFESSIONALS

KAREN

FELICIA

REVIEWS

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Prefer your companion workbook

Coaching Seminars Introduction

Skillfully build a strong, child-centered parenting plan

worksheet with nearly four hours of video coaching, your downloadable companion workbook and Parenting Plan Worksheet supplement (fillable PDF).

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You Need a Parenting Plan In Seminar I, we will guide you to mentally and emotionally prepare to develop your parenting plan. Like setting any strong foundation, these considerations provide the framework for a skillful, child-centered parenting plan.

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Chapter 1 - Creating A Parenting Plan

Prepare yourself and your children in the best way possible for divorce and two-home family life. Explore a New Model for co-parenting and a respectful, conflict-managed divorce.

Chapter 2 - How to Keep Kids Central

Answer the question, “What’s best for kids?” Identify complex or specials circumstances that may require extra guidance.

Understand the impact of grief on the entire family.

Chapter 3 - Building Your Team

Learn about divorce options and the team members available to assist you. Know that parents are often the best decision makers for their children’s future and future sense of family - not the courts.

Play Free Seminar

Chapter 4 - Creating Your Co-Parenting Goals Receive practical coaching as you enter your parenting planning process. Establish your guiding principles to give your children security during a difficult family change.

Chapter 5 - Creating a Temporary Duty Parent Schedule

You’ve decided to divorce, and will continue to live together for a period of time. Use this time wisely to prepare your children, yourself and your co-parent for a stable future.

Designing Your Residential Schedule In Seminar II, we will tackle the residential considerations of a parenting plan. You will learn how to plan for sharing your children across two homes 365 days a year, 24 hours each day.

For a child's sense of family, what divorce breaks apart, strong co-parenting rebuilds.

SEE ON AMAZON

Chapter 6 - Developmental Considerations

“One size fits none.” Take this opportunity to learn how you can incorporate your children’s ages and stages when designing a residential schedule that reflects developmental needs.

Chapter 7 - Residential Schedules for School-age Children Understand the differences between shared schedules and primary schedules, and the impact on children. Consider some of the common concerns/questions for school-age children.

Chapter 8 - Summer Schedules and Vacations with Parents Recognize the importance of summer for your children, vacations with parents, and the flexibility available for parents to make adjustments to meet needs.

Chapter 9 - Scheduling School Breaks

Address the options for sharing children during school breaks: incorporate travel if important, consider parent work schedules and child care issues.

Chapter 10 - Scheduling Holidays and Celebrations Recognize the value of short- and long-term planning.

Work together to sustain a sense of continuity while allowing new traditions to unfold.

My smile doesn’t mean everything is okay .

Part of Kids First Parents Second mission is to helps kids cope with life during and after the divorce process. Being on the front line has given us a unique perspective on issues these kids face.

These kids entered our room at first polite, reserved and then irritated. They were irritated that they had to take time off of a Saturday and be at our class. They were irritated that someone was about to tell them that everything was going to be okay. Everything was obviously not okay.

The kids looked at us in shock. "We’re here to be talking about MY feelings?" Many thought we were going to tell them everything was going to be okay. We saw kids who were more worried about their parent’s feelings than their own.

Over time things changed, especially after the movie "Inside Out" came out. It all of a sudden was cool for kids to and talked to kids about anger, sadness, fear and joy. We came up with a spinning wheel that kids could spin, which would land on different key emotions. When they spun the wheel the kids WANTED it to land on ANGER, they wanted to talk about ANGER and they wanted to know how to deal with ANGER.

TRANSITIONS MAGAZINE

It was these same kids who went back to their parents with smiles saying everything was okay. These kids were comforting their parents, assuring mom and dad that they were okay. That's what kids do, they try to please and not cause unnecessary problems.

Parents who are involved in a divorce with conflict are going to have a very hard time of understanding exactly how their young children truly are feeling. That is not necessarily the case when parents have teenage children.

Teenagers do not exist to please their parents. They have their own identities, their own wants and needs.

Parents are shocked that their teenagers now have become distant or seem consumed with nothing but hate.

The way we see it, many children, regardless of their age, are going to be angry when their parent’s divorce. Many children, regardless of age, are going to feel sad and hopeless.

Divorce is a life altering event that is hard to understand and comprehend. Kids need to know that they have the ability to express themselves. Kids need their parents help to become resilient in the face of the sudden change.

If children are not allowed to transition through the divorce process they will have problems. In the short term it might mean uncontrolled outbursts of anger. In the long term the child may face depression, anxiety or even worse.

So when you see that child's smiling face, dig a little deeper. Don't just ask, interact. You know you are going through a major change in your life, know that your kids are too. For more information, visit us at www.kidsfirstparentssecond.org.

TRANSITIONS MAGAZINE

On Apples, Oranges and Little Green Fruit!

MOMMY DADDY TROUBLES “MOMMY and DADDY TROUBLES” This Book helps Young Children Cope with Life during and after their parent’s divorce.

Our "Mommy Daddy Troubles" book is available for sale on Amazon as well as through our

For Children Four to Six years of Old, “Mommy and Daddy Troubles” is a book about Albert McIntosh, Ida Valencia and one green fruit. When Albert and Ida fall in love they run and get married waiting for the day when they can have a child together. When Little Fruit comes it is the happies day of their life. After they discover that apples and oranges don’t mix, Little Fruit must figure out life AFTER his parents move into two separate homes.

website. Becky and I wrote the book to give young kids a resource that would help them understand what a divorce is going to mean to them. It was our hope that parents would understand that kids are greatly affected by their parent's divorce no matter how peaceful the process is.

For Kids 4-5

EMPOWERING AND BUILDING RESILIENCY “KIDS LOVE COUPONS!” Kids First Parent Second developed

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Kids can print off the coupons we provided or BETTER YET they can create their own!

KIDSFIRSTPARENTSSECOND

EMPOWERING AND BUILDING RESILIENCY “KIDS NIGHT OUT” Share your “Kids Night Out” Stories with us on Facebook At Kids First Parents Second

KIDS NIGHT OUT Sometimes kids need a break. A “Kids Night Out” coupon is one where the child gets to say “I’m important, let's do something for me tonight!”

-

Grandparents, aunts, uncles and teachers!

Visit our Kids First Parents Second website and click on Our Path To Courage Acivity Page.

Our page provides free downloads to help kids of divorce.

These kids will have questions. Help them look for an answer.

Our Path to Courage is designed to help kids start engaging, participating and vocalizing their feelings.

63

Helping Kids Help Themselves “Tim” was eight years old when he walked into our kid’s seminar a few months ago.

Tim had a very important contribution to make to Kids First Parents Second. As he looked around the room, it was clear that he didn’t know what to think or feel about the situation. As Tim’s head circled around the room it was clear that his emotions were spinning round and round. How to help Tim’s spinning stop, now that was the trick.

How do I feel?

Kids of divorce are going through a major change in their life. If divorce is traumatic to you parents, just imagine what these kids are going through. Identifying and expressing emotions is KEY to empowering these kids to regain control over their life.

Spinning Wheels of Emotion‌.

Spinning a wheel that included happiness, anger, sadness, loneliness helped Tim talk about things that were happening in his life. Tim and many of his classmates wanted the spinner to land on ANGER. We thought at first because it was RED and kids liked that color.

We were wrong. Anger was the one emotion that Tim had a hard time expressing. Time knew that he was able to express his feelings about ANGER without judgment and without repercussion.

Some of the kids wanted to talk about just being SAD and the list continued. It was pretty clear that the kids had a hard time expressing themselves at home when they were attempting to please parents who were going through a difficult time themselves.

WORD BANK THE BUILDING BLOCK FOR JOURNAL WRITING As the spinning wheel went round and round we looked at the basic emotions that Tim was trying to identify. As we broke them down we came up with the idea of making cards, with the front of the card identifying an emotion and the back of the card providing a solution for how to handle anger, sadness, hopelessness or loneliness.

As we looked at the cards it was pretty evident that we had our “word bank” that kids could use to describe their day. The spinning wheel created the basic introduction for kids to become effective journal writers in a fun way, without pressure or confrontation. The movie “Inside Out” even provided us a vehicle to make the exercise something fun and enjoyable.

Anger Untapped We thought of Tim when he left. His parents did not see the need for Tim to come back to the class because he was “just fine.” We saw other kids who had plenty of anger inside them and no resources to get it out.

So if you are angry all the time, what happens? What happens when you enter into teenage years and don’t care who you please or how your actions affect others.

Teenagers are seen as the most troubled class of kids affected by divorce.

These teenagers feel the same anger that Tim did. The difference was they were smart enough to identify the emotion and skilled enough to let it out. The emotions were the same, doing little to help these kids learn the skills needed to be resilient enough to move past their parent’s divorce.

Of course the same can be said about kids who don’t know how to handle sadness, loneliness or hopelessness. It became easy to see why kids of divorce would suffer from anxiety and depression.

Removing Yourself from the Equation While the spinning wheel clearly wasn’t the solution to every kid’s problem, we saw the tool as an effective way to START COMMUNICATING, a entry point to empower kids to identify and express thought and feeling.

Parents, you may find that you have to remove yourself from this exercise. It might be a great idea to get a grandparent, aunt or uncle involved who can be neutral enough to listen to these kids thoughts and feelings.

Matt Sossi Executive Director Kids First Parents Second

SUPER HERO'S ASSEMBLE!

KIDS FIRST PARENTS SECOND

Spider-Man's true identity was Peter Parker.

When Spider-Man wasn't fighting with Doc Octopus or Lizard man he was just trying to get through everyday life as his alter ego, Peter Parker.

Peter, just like Spider-man was a superhero because he was resourceful and found ways to adapt to beat impossible odds.

Without Peter, there never would have been a Spider-man!

So who wants to be a superhero? index

ONE DAD’S STORY

“I ended leaving Texas and taking a job in Minnesota after my divorce. There were simply no jobs available that would provide me the income I needed to pay child support and put food on the table.

Moving meant that I was going to have to spend time away from my four year old child . I knew that he was very fond of comic books and loved Spiderman. So I had an idea….

During the weeks that we were apart from one another we would start reading comic books together on Skype. After I bought him some action figures we started to play with Spiderman, Doc Octopus, and the Green Goblin. Before you knew it we were making up our own stories along the way.

HOW

COMICS

AND

HELPED ME STAY IN CONTACT WITH MY SON

Every time I had a Skype call my child would tell me stories about Spidey that he had thought of during the week. Skype Stan Lee and Marvel Comics helped my son and I through a very tough time!”

KIDS ACTIVITIES “Divorce didn’t mean that I stopped being a parent. Divorce just meant that my ex and I had to work together. We both wanted our children to be involved in activities that would help them grow.

So our daughter wanted to be in girl scouts and our son wanted to play basketball. No problem. I made sure that I became an assistant coach for the basketball team and my ex became involved in the scouting program. I made sure to show up for scout meetings and award ceremonies. My ex made sure to show up for our child’s basketball games.

BUILDING A RESILIENT CHILD AND BETTER RELATIONSHIPS

Our children thought this was “bonus time” to spend with mom and dad. They were excited to see us participating in their lives.

These activities had nothing to do with how my ex and I interacted. Looking back, we didn’t have to truly deal with one another that much. All we had to do was focus on meeting the needs of our children. “

Divorce Resources for Pre-Teens 10 to 13 years of age

Journal Writing Pre-teens use journals to create an historical account of events that occurred in their daily life. Pre-teens in divorce should make sure that they also write about their emotions. Pre-teens who are faithful to this craft will be able to better organize their thoughts and feelings and communicate more clearly to friends, parents, teachers or counselors.

Journal writing creates a pre-teen that is more resilient, one who is able to transition through difficult events and circumstances.

Children who can talk about anger sadness and hopelessness are the same children who can begin to write about their feelings.

The emotions contained in our spinning wheel of emotions create a perfect word bank children can use when writing their journals. **** PRIVACY RULE ***** THIS JOURNAL IS THE CHILD’S ACCOUNT OF THEIR INNERMOST THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. PARENTS SHOULD AVOID READING (OR USING) THE JOURNAL AGAINST THEIR PRE-TEEN.

KIDS FIRST PARENTS SECOND

Journal Writing Tips Teenagers involved in Divorce #1. Find a safe spot to hide your journal. #2. Write regularly. #3. Make sure to date your entries.

4. Make sure to write about your feelings, anger, sadness, or any other emotion that you might be feeling.

Read your journal. You will be able to answer HOW you were feeling.

You will also be able to answer WHY you were feeling the way you did.

5. Connecting the dots goes a long way towards giving you self-awareness of your situation.

6. Being aware means that you can problem solve. Being aware means that you can ask for help with your problem if you don't know what to do.

Brought to you by Kids First Parents Second

TEENAGERS AND DIVORCE

Divorcing parents should expect to encounter the wrath of their teenage child. Teenagers typically experience failing grades and antisocial behavior during and after their parent’s divorce. As a parent, what are your options?

Divorce does not mean that your teenage child has to suffer. Divorce or not, parents need to communicate effectively and share information with one another.

Parents need to be on the same page to provide needed love, guidance and discipline to their teenager.

At Kids First Parents Second, it was obvious that these teenage children felt lost.

Most of these children simply wanted to be left alone. It was that basic human right that led to us helping the teenagers creating a Bill of Rights for the Divorcing Family.

The teenager, along with their parents would sign the Bill and it would become the “law” in the family household.

Enclosed is a sample “Bill of Rights” for your family’s use. Feel free to print the Bill of Rights for your family OR talk to your teenager and create your own families Bill of Rights.

Tell us about your “Bill of Rights” Story on our Facebook https://www.facebook.com/conflictorcollaborative/.

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page at

I am your teenage son or daughter. I have rights in your divorce. I did not plan for your divorce. I planned on having a normal teenage life full of emotional ups and downs. I planned on worrying about acne, geometry and going on my first date.

I need to inform you that I have some basic rights, and I want those rights respected by both of you. Theserights include:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

I have the right to be left alone.

I have the right to askquestions, when I feel the need to‌ I have the right to be angry and speak my mind.

I have the right to notbe placed in the middle of your conflict.

I have the right to be with my friends.

I have the right to do the things that make me happy.

I have the right to ask how this divorce is going to affect me.

I have the right to both parents, and not feel that I have to choose between you.

I have the right to know that you will act in my best interest.

I have the right to be happy and find happiness.

Signed on this the

of 20

From your child index Having read your request, your parents plan to honor and respect your rights as a teenager in this divorce. We will give you the room that you need to heal during this painful time while providing you guidance just like we always have. We sign this bill of rights understanding that you will look to your parents for continued love and support.

Mom

Dad

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Grandparents have the power to help parents focus on what is important during the divorce process.

THE TALE OF TWO GRANDPARENTS The Tale of the Over Protective Grandmother “I am taking my daughters side in this, no matter what.” One Grandma exclaimed.

Her daughter Jodie had really gone through a lot with her husband John and it was finally time for all this nonsense to end. Grandma saw the divorce as a time to get even with John for all the things he did against her family during his marriage to Jodie. “John does not need to see the kids until court” Grandma told Jodie “It’s better for them to start to move on with their life.”

Divorce was not something that Grandma was used to. She and her husband had been married together for over three decades. No one in her family had been divorced before. Grandma thought little of John and was embarrassed that he had ever been in her family.

Grandma took her daughter to the law offices of a few attorneys she knew who were part of her congregation. Grandma provided the retainer for the lawyer and gave him instructions on how she wanted her daughter’s divorce to proceed.

During the divorce Jodie’s life was dictated by Grandma’s rules. John was not allowed to either call or see his children until he obtained an attorney.

The New Age Grandfather

“Don’t think I’m taking sides between you two.” Grandpa said. “John, when you are coming to town to visit, you’re going to stay at my house and visit the kids. It doesn’t make any sense for you to pay for a hotel when you have that child support obligation to pay.”

Grandpa kept on, “Jodie if John’s over here I don’t want to hear you to arguing with one another, the kids do not hear all that.” Grandpa continued “John, why aren’t you calling your kids during the week anyway?”

TEENAGERS AND DIVORCE

Divorcing parents should expect to encounter the wrath of their teenage child. Teenagers typically experience failing grades and antisocial behavior during and after their parent’s divorce. As a parent, what are your options?

Divorce does not mean that your teenage child has to suffer. Divorce or not, parents need to communicate effectively and share information with one another.

Parents need to be on the same page to provide needed love, guidance and discipline to their teenager.

At Kids First Parents Second, it was obvious that these teenage children felt lost. Most of these children simply wanted to be left alone. It was that basic human right that led to us helping the teenagers creating a Bill of Rights for the Divorcing Family. The teenager, along with their parents would sign the Bill and it would become the “law” in the family household.

Enclosed is a sample “Bill of Rights” for your families use. Feel free to print the Bill of Rights for your family OR talk to your teenager and create your own families Bill of Rights. Tell us about your “Bill of Rights” Story on our facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/conflictorcollaborative/.

KIDS FIRST PARENTS SECOND

I am your teenage son or daughter. I have rights in your divorce. I did not plan for your divorce. I planned on having a normal teenage life full of emotional ups and downs. I planned on worrying about acne, geometry and going on my first date.

I need to inform you that I have some basic rights, and I want those rights respected by both of you. These rights include:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

I have the right to be left alone.

I have the right to ask questions, when I feel the need to‌ I have the right to be angry and speak my mind.

I have the right to not be placed in the middle of your conflict.

I have the right to be with my friends.

I have the right to do the things that make me happy.

I have the right to ask how this divorce is going to affect me.

I have the right to both parents, and not feel that I have to choose between you.

I have the right to know that you will act in my best interest.

I have the right to be happy and find happiness.

Signed on this the

of 20

From your child

Having read your request, your parents plan to honor and respect your rights as a teenager in this divorce. We will give you the room that you need to heal during this painful time while providing you guidance just like we always have. We sign this bill of rights understanding that you will look to your parents for continued love and support.

Mom

KIDS FIRST PARENTS SECOND

Dad

BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO COOPERATIVE PARENTING What is cooperative parenting?

Cooperative parenting does not mean taking your ex to dinner OR taking vacations together. Cooperative parenting does not mean unconscious coupling. Cooperative parenting means that you and your child’s other parent focus on meeting the needs of your child after the divorce. Coopeartive parenting is more like a journey than it is a destination.

Talk less, share information more Parents need to STOP TALKING to one another WHEN THE DIVORCE BEGINS and START SHARING INFORMATION on the finances and the well being of your child.

Sharing information allows you to FOCUS on the needs of your child. FOCUSING on the needs of your child provides an opportunity to PROBLEM SOLVE. Parents who work together and FOCUS on their child’s needs can begin the process of COPARENTING.

You find it impossible to talk to your ex. So how do you address your child’s medical or educational needs? How do you tell your ex that your child is acting out? How do you contact your child WITHOUT having to worry how your ex is going to react?

TRANSITION MAGAZINE

The Power of a Grandparent Grandparents set a powerful tone for parents of divorce, especially when they are young parents. Given the two tales presented, what type of Grandparent do you want to be?

Recommended Checklist for Grandparents

_________

Take your grandchildren out for a night out. Help them understand your role is to listen to their needs and not judge either parent. Make sure to engage with them OUTSIDE the presence of their parents.

_________

Call the other set of grandparents. Help them understand you are here to solve problems not create them. If you have pictures of your grandchildren NOW is a good time to share them.

__________

Listen to both parents and try to understand where they are coming from. What are their wants and needs?

___________

Show the parents ways to problem solve through their issues.

Move the parents away from civil litigation, if at all possible.

___________

Make sure to invite EITHER parent to sit with you during any activities that the child is involved in. See your grandchild’s face when you are all sitting down together and supporting them.

___________

I am a Grandparent and I am awesome!

GRANDPARENTS

#1

That’s a wrap!

As Executive Director for Kids First Parents Second I wanted to extend a special thank you to every one subscribing to our first edition of Transitions magazine.

It is my hope that our first edition of “Transitions” will inspire parents to look for ways to problem solve their way out of their divorce dispute.

I wanted to extend thanks to those individuals and organizations that inspired us and pushed us to create

Transitions magazine.

Specials thank you to Jai Kissoon at our Family Wizard and to Karen Bonnell. Thank you for believing in this project and making it a reality.

We wanted to thank Google for allowing us to spread our message across the U.S. and the U.K. With your continued help we will change the world.

Matt Sossi ----------------------------------------------Matt Sossi has been a family law attorney in San Antonio, Texas since 1992. Matt is an advocate of using collaborative techniques to problem solve and minimize conflict during the divorce process.

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