Divorce Handbook: A Relational Approach

It's Your Day Mediation

ITS YOUR DAY

DIVORCE HANDBOOK

Co-Parent Questionairre

It’s More of a Journey than a Destination Co-parenting Parents entering into successful co-parenting relationships after divorce perhaps best define its benefit by the positive effect it has on their children.

Co-parenting requires that each parent listen, understand and respond to one another.

Co-parenting relationships are constantly works in progress.

Parallel Parenting Many parents will fall into a parallel parenting structure, following the parenting plans in their order. In the short term following court orders allows each parent to go their separate way.

Parallel parenting requires little need for the parents to communicate.

So what’s the problem with parallel parenting?

Many parallel parenting agreements require future court interventions, meaning parents are back in court litigating issues concerning their children.

1. Lack of Communication: Parents stop communicating, relying on falling simply on the rules imposed by their parenting plan. In life things change.

2. Changing needs - The parenting plans become unworkable when needs change. parent’s/children’s Revising the parenting plan will require court intervention.

Notes: Parenting relationships are more about the journey than the destination.

Parents can shift back and forth into different models of parenting.

Remember - it takes both parents to constantly put in the work to move away from conflict, not towards it.

Conflict Parenting Conflict parenting is defined by seeking court relief to obtain your rights and duties.

Attorneys will typically ask their clients to STOP COMMUNICATING with their child’s other parent. Parents seek court intervention for a variety of reasons: 1. Lack of other adequate remedy 2. The need to protect child from

immediate harm 3. Frustration with other alternate dispute resolution processes. (bad experience at mediation)

Co-parenting Questionairre

DIVORCE HANDBOOK

Stop and Think – Take time to review your responses!

HOW ARE YOU PLANNING THE BIG TALK? SPEAKING TO YOUR CHILD ABOUT THE DIVORCE?

SUPPORTING THE PROCESS – WHAT IS YOUR PLAN OF ACTION TO PROTECT YOUR CHILD DURING THE DIVORCE? 1._____________________________________ 2._____________________________________

_________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________

3. _____________________________________ 4. _____________________________________ 5. _____________________________________

_________________________________________ _________________________________________

WHAT ARE YOU’RE THE IMMEDIATE CONCERNS FOR YOUR CHILDREN 1.____________________________________

ARE YOU ALL (BOTH PARENTS) ON THE SAME PAGE? IF NOT WHY NOT? 1. _____________________________________ 2. _____________________________________ 3. ______________________________________

2. ____________________________________ 3. ____________________________________ 4. ____________________________________

4. ______________________________________

Co-parenting Questionairre

Stop and Think – Take time to review your responses!

Why Do You want to Co-parent?

YOUR STRENGTHS AS A PARENT 1._____________________________________ 2._____________________________________ 3. _____________________________________

1.________________________________________ 2. _______________________________________

4. _____________________________________ 5. _____________________________________

3._______________________________________ 4. _______________________________________ 5. _______________________________________

CO-PARENTING GOALS

YOUR CO-PARENTS STRENGTHS 1. _____________________________________ 2. _____________________________________ 3. ______________________________________

1.____________________________________ 2. ____________________________________ 3. ____________________________________ 4. ____________________________________

4. ______________________________________ 5. ______________________________________

Co-parenting Questionnaire How is your child being affected by your divorce?

What are some ideas you have to effect the quality of life for your child?

What is your hope for your child after your divorce?

DIVORCE HANDBOOK

Finding Empathy

Finding Empathy

someone going through a painful divorce.

Understanding the Emotional Obstacles that prevent you from CoParenting during and after the Divorce Process

It’s important to understand the concept of emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence is not correlated to your IQ, in fact you could have a high IQ and have low emotional intelligence.

Mom and Dad walk into a mediation session. Mom and Dad cannot seem to agree on much. Mom looks at Dad and asks what’s wrong.

Dad answers “I’m afraid.” “I’m afraid that you are trying to take away my rights as a father.” Mom counters, “You’re a great father - why would I do that?” Dad looks at Mom, shrugs his shoulders and breathes a sigh of relief. Mom and Dad continue the conversation and begin to work through their issues of the day.

So what is Emotional intelligence?

I believe that there will be emotional obstacles that will initially prevent you from reaching agreements in your divorce. How could there not be? Divorce is a painful process.

The trick is to identify the emotional obstacles that are preventing you from moving forward and taking action.

Emotional obstacles that keep you from moving forward and taking control over the problems facing you and your family.

Mental health professionals refer to this state as the pain cycle.

You’ve seen this before if you’ve ever had an experience with

Emotional intelligence is your ability, in part, to relate to the feelings of another. By definition we are talking about empathy.

Empathy may be the last skill you want to learn during the divorce process. The reasons could be: 1. You are divorcing out of anger 2. You are hurt by the behavior of this person.

3. You feel that you can no longer communicate, no longer trust this person.

So there you sit, not able to engage and move through the process.

It may be hard to do at first, but think of the cost you are facing by staying in the pain cycle: 1. Inability to make decisions affecting your future.

2. Inability to make decisions regarding your children.

3. Inability to move forward and take control.

Be Relational Assessment Finding Empathy List their typical daily emotions?

As To Your Child’s Other Parent……

1.

2.

3.

4.

Describe their current emotions 1.

2.

5.

Do you recognize this person?

3.

What could be their concerns:

1.

2.

1. ____________________________________________ 2. ____________________________________________

3.

4.

5.

3. ____________________________________________

Be Relational Assessment Finding Empathy What actions are you taking that are affecting their present mix of emotions?

When it concerns your child’s other parent……

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

How could you make the situation better?

Are you willing to make the situation better?

1.

2.

1.

2.

3.

3.

4.

5. _____________________________________

4.

5.

What are the benefits/costs of showing empathy?

1.

2.

3.

DIVORCE HANDBOOK

Conflict Management

Its Your Day A Primer on Conflict Management You manage conflict every given day. How will you resolve your issues today?

If your goal is to co-parent, you need to understand how you resolve conflict between yourself and your child’s other parent. In the past you’ve resolved problems without much thought.

You’ve listened, you might have argued.

At the end of the day you reached an agreement or at least a consensus on how you would resolve the problem of the day.

The divorce process impairs your ability to resolve conflict. At this time it’s time to assess how you resolve conflict.

The TKI is an a test to assess your ability to resolve conflict.

The TKI will assess if you resolve conflict by Competing Compromising Collaborating Avoiding Accommodating _________________________ It is interesting to note a few things: 1. Your ability to manage conflict changes over time.

2. Increased emotional intelligence shifts people’s from a desire to compete (litigation) towards a need to collaborate (mediation).

How do you Resolve Conflict?

What is your current conflict? ___________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________

Why do you feel that you are in conflict? ___________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________ What do you gain by remaining in conflict?

Do you feel that this conflict necessary?

What do you think your child's other parent remains in conflict with you?

What would it take for this conflict to end?

What are the things you want your spouse to say ( or do) for this conflict to end?

What is your spouse doing to continue the conflict?

What benefits do you think he or she is receiving to keep the conflict alive?

What would it take for you to away from your spouse to walk away conflict?

What would your spouse need from you for this conflict to be over?

DIVORCE HANDBOOK

Testing