KPFS - Dr. Probber Contribution!

Empathizing with Your Children id…

HELP THEM GET OUT OF THE MIDDLE By: Shelley R. Probber, Psy.D.

Many parents worry about their relationships with their children following a divorce or separation. They worry about access to the children; they worry about how their children will experience the loss of their intact family; they worry about how the divorce will change their children’s perspectives about loyalty, commitment and overcoming obstacles. Perhaps most painful to parents is when children begin to reject them or appear to take sides with one parent over another.

The best way for parents to respond to children who reject them is to hang in there, continue to nurture and support loving relationships despite their children’s rejection.

A child’s estrangement from a parent may result from a complex web of many factors: a child may have had a difficult relationship with the parent prior to the separation. Depending upon the age of the child when parents separate, it may be difficult for parents to learn how to re-connect with their child when they have more limited time with him/her. Many parents bemoan the times they lost their temper with a child or got into a power struggle with a child over homework. They blame these conflicts on why their child has refused to visit or wants to limit contact with him/her.

Regardless of what conflicts may have occurred with the child prior to or during the separation and divorce, there are few instances where a parent’s behavior warrants the outright rejection of the parent. After all, if all children were permitted to refuse contact with parents when angry with them, there would be many intact families where children were permitted to leave home and return home only when they were no longer angry. Further, this model does nothing to teach children how to tolerate uncomfortable feelings or move through more painful feelings toward resolving conflict with others.

If the relationship prior to the separation was, in fact, positive and loving, then it is particularly painful and confusing for parents to understand why their child might be resisting contact. How can a parent understand their child’s refusal to see him or her? The child may have “taken one parent’s side,” and then seems to have taken on the anger of the other parent.

If one of these scenarios sound familiar, it is difficult for parents to be compassionate and empathic toward their children. In fact, often parents react to their child’s rejection by rejecting them in return. One parent reported to me, “Well, if she refuses to see me, I just won’t pay for her college. A relationship is two ways!” Another indicated: “I just thought that she was angry with me because she was closer to her mother and her mother was hurt. Now, she won’t see me at all and I am just going to insist on her coming over. She needs to know that this is my

A child’s estrangement from a parent may result from a complex web of many factors…. time!” Still another stated, “How dare he tell me that he has more important things with the o the separation.

to do with his time than to spend time with me. When he comes over next time, I A child’s estrangement from a parent may result from a complex web of many factors: a child may have had a difficult relationship with the parent prior to the separation. am going to ground him!”

While no one disputes the pain that these parents feel when they experience their child’s rejection, it is important to remember that these children are victims-

most likely of one of their parents contributing to this attitude through his/her own psychological difficulties with coping with the divorce. Therefore, rather than be angry with your child, a more pro-active approach is to help your child navigate their relationships with both parents and continue to nurture your postseparation, post-divorce relationships with your children.

When children report that they do not want to see the other parent, or that they are too angry or hurt to visit one parent, I tell them that this is not an option.

After all, if their parents were still together and they were angry with one parent, they would have no other option other than to sort through their feelings—as uncomfortable as they may be—and continue in relationship with the parent with whom they are angry. If their parents were still together, it would not be an option for a child to move out and return to the family when they are ready. This same model should be used for children who consider a lack of contact as a solution for their anger at one parent.

For the parent who is hurt and angry at their child’s rejection, it is important to understand that your child has likely been influenced by their other parent. Your job as a parent is to respond to your child in a loving, wise way, helping your child to use their knowledge of what is in their hearts to be able to respond to each parent

in a healthy way, leaving them significantly emotionally damaged by their parents’ failure to protect them from their own psychological

While it may be tempting as a parent to “set the record straight” and

frailties.

“fight fire with fire,” Instead, responding to your children in a loving manner which encourages them to openly discuss their feelings helps them to make independent choices about their relationships with each parent. Further, it is not wise to merely dismiss your children’s feelings, saying that they are just parroting their other parent. This only serves to fuel your child’s anger, making them feel as if you do not respect their feelings or do not believe them.

The best way for parents to respond to children who reject them is to hang in there, continue

to

nurture

and

support

loving

relationships despite their children’s rejection.

This shows your children that you can be the adult; it demonstrates your ability as a parent to put your love for your children above your animosity toward the other parent.

these types of responses only serve to polarize your children further…

It is difficult for parents to believe that their children can be so strongly influenced by the other parent. However, research has clearly demonstrated that everyone is susceptible to suggestion. This is what marketing campaigns are based upon. Now, imagine how powerful that suggestion is when coming from your own parent! Rather than feel anger toward your children when they succumb to these suggestions, it is far more effective to respond empathically. Communicating genuine compassion and empathy for your child allows them to know that you can tolerate their negative feelings without retaliation. It allows them to know that you respect and honor them, even if their feelings hurt your own feelings.

It should be noted that communicating empathy for your child does not mean that you condone rude behavior or disrespect. However, it does mean that you, as the parent, show your children that you take their feelings seriously, that you, yourself, can tolerate hearing how angry your child is with an attitude of openness and a willingness to work toward repairing conflict. As one twelve-yearold said so clearly to her father, “Just be the grown up!�

TAKE THEIR FEELINGS SERIOUSLY WORK TOWARD REPAIRING THE RELATIONSHIP