Co-Parenting by KIDS FIRST PARENTS SECOND

THE ESSENTIAL GUIDE

Co-Parenting

BY:

M AT T

SO S S I

Joy Curbow

“Parent Tested: Co-Parent Approved!”

CO-PARENTS ASSEMBLE! By:

Matt Sossi, JD Joy Curbow, Family Law Mediator

Matt Sossi

Empowering Co-Parents

Texas State Bar - Family Law Attorney since 1995

One Family at a Time!

St. Mary’s University Law School Class of 1992 Virginia Military Institute Class of 1989

Can You Co-Parent, Yes We Can!

Family Law Attorney Family Law Mediator Parent Coordinator Parent Facilitator

2022 COPYRIGHT

Amicus Attorney

Former Executive Director Kids First Parents Second

Disclaimer:

Author:

We recognize in cases involving family violence that it may NOT BE IN YOUR INTEREST to communicate or relate to your ex.

Mommy Daddy Troubles You’re an Apple and You Married an Orange The A-Z Guide to Cooperative Parenting

This book should not be interpreted to mean that you should co-parent when family violence occurred. If you are a victim of family violence, get help, call a battered woman center in your area or seek legal counsel to obtain the assistance that you need. Help is there for you!

Manousso Mediation Cornell University Baltimore Mediation Training Transformative Mediation 2

Child Inclusive Mediation Training

Having trouble getting out of bed? Is paralyzed your word for the day, the week or month?

Have you taken up residence on your sofa or bed?

understand. Going through a divorce. Ugh! I’m so sorry!

I’ve been through it. This book is to help you move off your sofa or your bed. If I can help you take that one step forward and have you start thinking for yourself, I win. Start to taction to make decisions that affect not only yourself but your children as well. Don’t worry, the couch will be there when you need it. Divorce is one experience in which you can be glad, sad and mad all at the same time.

There certainly

will be times when thinking of what to wear seems to be the hardest choice of the day. It all seems impossible. Decisions need to be made. You have kids.

I believe that you are smart

enough to make decisions about yourself and your children. You are smart enough to seek out resources to help you. Perspective usually gets lost the moment you are

going through the divorce process.

The last thing you want to do right now

during the divorce process is to talk to your ex, to relate with your ex. I’m believe in you. It’s time to move forward to best you can. You want to co-parent. The beginning of your journey to co-parenting is like going on a hike in Yellowstone national park. There are bears out there. It can be a dangerous journey if you don’t first prepare. Talking to others, finding out information about your path. Just facing your ex right now unprepared, well that’s just as dangerous. With that in mind lets go over some basic rules.

One of the favorite videos I share in my divorce boot camp class for divorcing parents comes from an old episode from the television show “Divorce Court.” Divorce court is famous for the high conflict divorces that appear on its show. The case involved a husband who was suing his wife for divorce. As the case came progressed the facts showed that the

husband that the husband had cheated on his wife and given her wedding ring to his new girlfriend. When the husband testified in open court his wife began to hum. The humming grew louder and louder. The judge asked the woman why?

“I start humming when I am mad Judge.” She said, “The therapist told me that humming helps.” The

Judge was amused, and the audience

TELL THEIR STORY

laughed. As her husband continued

to testify his wife hummed and hummed. girlfriend

HAVE THEIR VOICE HEARD

When the husband’s testified

the

humming

RECIEVE VALIDATION

intensified. At the end of the day the Judge made her ruling and the parties walked away from one another angrier than when the day ended. I don’t remember much about the case but I knew that lady could sure hum. 8

I used to play this video when I promoted several divorce boot camps in San Antonio, Texas. When the video ended, I would always ask the group one question about what they wanted when they walked into a family courtroom.

Relief to tell their story. Relief to have their voice heard. Relief from the court. The need to seek validation

_______________________ The parents attending the class let me know that it was up to their attorney to request that the court meet their financial and parenting needs. That’s what the attorneys were paid for. The parents were wanting to walk into the court room and obtain relief. The parents wanted to have the ability to speak, to have their voice heard and to seek validation from the court so they could be told that they were right or at least to find their ex-spouse wrong. It was not hard for me to see a connection in the way my parents felt and the video from divorce court that we just talked about.

The parties involved in the video weren’t acting. They were not attempting to entertain or amuse us. They weren’t just expressing their raw emotions, they were paralyzed by them.

We didn’t just catch this couple at their worse, we

caught this couple as they were for days, weeks, months and on and on thereafter. If there were kids involved this would have been a

show.

Preside over the Parties Case Courts are Here to Help! When court’s notice high conflict in

Admit and Exclude Evidence

custody issues the family law court enlists the help of parent

Hear Argument of Counsel

coordinators, parent facilitators psychologists and psychiatrists. The

court

entrusts

these

Make Ruling and Enter Orders based upon Parties Pleadings

neutral’s to reduce conflict and keep kids safe.

Beware of your inner bear. There is a big difference between high conflict personalities and people involved in a high conflict situation. People with high conflict personalities love court. The other of us, trapped in high conflict situations, do not. Most of us end up in high conflict when we invoke our inner bear, when we act out of anger and start to take positions that demonize and alienate the other parent. Statistically most divorce cases will settle before trial. Most of the time the anger of the moment will subside and parents simply will find the need to move forward.

It’s a rare day when a

case that begins in litigation are finalized by a true litigated trial.

Have you considered the aftermath? 11

Have you considered the financial cost of your divorce? The long term impact that conflict will have on you and your children? Have you considered alternatives to your conflict? If not, Why not?

CO-PARENTING POLL When we ran our divorce boot camp class we would always poll our divorcing spouses and ask questions about their thoughts on co-parenting.

Dads and moms after all both want to have a role in how their child is raised. This need was actually codified by statute when California passed the first joint custody statute in 1979. At present over 41 states have laws that provide joint custody as either an option or a preference to divorcing families.

I asked our parents at the book camp, So……What is Co-Parenting? What I heard was that co-parenting • was about reaching agreements for your child’s best interest • was about putting their differences together, show up at their children’s games or at their kids wedding. I sighed. Maybe on a good day, right? Right now, you are doing everything you can to avoid poking that angry bear and ending up in court over your kids. Most likely the chance of conflict escalating is extremely high. Be careful with how you move forward.

Parents who have shared responsibilities, have common goals and collaborate. Parents who work together to ensure the positive development of a child. “ Office of Adolescent Health (Sept. 2017)

Lost in Translation Lost in translation are two words, “collaboration” and “Relationship.” Collaboration is a working practice where individuals work together for a common purpose to achieve a common business purpose. Relationship:

Co-parenting is a business relationship, its not a personal

relationship. Its about equals. One mom and one dad. __________________________________________________________________ Now we are getting somewhere.

You are present to work through the details of

what your child needs.

Making demands

Negotiating

Being Friends

Agreeing

Conceding

Accommodating

If you are in court to advocate a position, you’re not co-parenting, at least at that point in time. Can we all agree on this? You’re working through the details of what your child needs you to work through. agreement that you can be proud of and rely upon.

Take charge, come up with an

Co-parenting is simply about the business of coparenting and at a bear, oops, I meant bare minimum, nothing less, nothing more. Trust the process.

Be realist, you are at the

beginning stages of a divorce. Take time to heal. Watch how you interact with your ex. Build from there. Use the divorce process to transition forward.

Work on

getting you to a better place. Don’t be a Bear: Be Relational – Be engaged,

Seven Ways to Quality Interaction and Lasting Change

understanding that and your ex are now connected as coparents. Have perspective of where you and your ex are in the divorce process. Perspective matters. Learn Effective Ways to Communicate – Manage the interaction, manage the conflict. You can do this!

Available on Amazon

The Ten Steps to Co-Parenting

1. Move away from your ex…..Fear the Bear. 2. Take time to heal – No its not time to date yet. 3. Get on your Couch…Rest! 4. Don’t Poke the Bear - Relay information only/. 5. Start the process of being centered – its all about EQ. 6. Talk to a professional – find options and resources that might help you work through your problem. 7. Manage your inner bear, start taking control over your feelings and thoughts. 8. Talk through neutrals to talk to your ex. Get ready to Listen Understand and Respond to Your Ex- Collaborate and Work Towards finding Solutions to Your Problems. 9. Talk with the professionals for more options OR get back on the couch. 10.Recognize your emotions and your situation get ready to take that step to start talking with your child’s co-parent.

Not focusing on the relation that you have with your ex is going to a sure fired recipe for an all conflict to erupt.

The Meeting that Changed Everything….. About five years ago I was invited to join a meeting with parents a mediator and their attorneys in an informal settlement conference. The meeting was to address issues relating to their special needs child. The lawyers wanted to clear up misunderstandings the parents had about

meeting their child’s issues.

The parents were quiet and respective and let their

lawyers do the talking for them. The parents really made no effort in attempting to relate to one another. The attorneys focused their energies in looking for options and resources to address the problems affecting a special needs child.

I knew that the parents

had gone over the particulars of their conflict with their attorneys prior to the meeting. The issues were addressed at the meeting point by point by the attorneys. The meeting concluded and an agreement made. 20

Five minutes after the ink dried the parents were overheard yelling and screaming at one another. Yes, it was a all-out bear attack. What? New issues, new conflicts seem to come out of these parent’s mouths like popped kernels in a popcorn machine. None of the attorneys had heard these issues before. The issues and conflicts grew exponentially. Pop pop popl. The parties almost acted like they wanted nothing more than to engage each other. They were absorbed in the moment. The parent’s issues had nothing to do with me, or the other lawyers involved. The problem obviously was how the parents were relating to one another. Compare this to another case I had. This is the parents who had a baby after they mated rather than dated. This is the case of Netflix and chill.

I met with two young parents who met on-line and had a child after they “net flix and chilled.” When we began to discuss the basics of the parent’s custody dispute (in Texas known as the parenting plan) I was surprised how quickly the parents were willing to engage and reach agreements on a shared parenting plan, child support and health insurance. The parties remained working through the problem even after I finished talking with them. The parties were able to work through the problems they faced. It seemed that these parents were able to work through these problems because they shared a common goal of not raising their child in high conflict. When you compare the two stories its easy to see that that the conflict was defined by how the parents related to one another. The divorced parents, they had 22

gone through some tough times and had some raw unresolved feelings toward each other. The net flix and chill parents had no relation to speak of. that followed the parents during the divorce process, mattered.

The emotions

CONFLICT Good and Bad Conflict The Case of The Autistic Child I talked to a divorcing couple who argued about whether or not their child was autistic. When I received the call the mom would start out by telling me that the teacher at school called and told me that I needed to get my child tested for ADHD. Mom would then tell me that she made an appointment with a specialist, who diagnosed her child as having ADHD. Mom would tell me that the problem was that her ex was not giving their child the medicine for the ADHD.

DAD WAS THE PROBLEM!

When I called the father he tell me that he did not know that the child had problems at school. He did not know why his ex would run to a specialist without his consent and that the child was on prescribed medication. The father would typically blame mom and say that his ex was alienating his affections, that his child was eating too much candy and is staying up late at her mom’s home.

MOM WAS THE PROBLEM!

Perhaps the parents were the problem, at least the parents were making the problem bigger than it was. The parents had a misunderstanding as to what was going on with their child. The father didn’t get notified of the problem. The 25

mother did not understand the father who may have had valid concerns about what the child was eating, perhaps at both homes, it was hard to say at that point.

Nevertheless, mom wanted to go to court and order that the father give his child the prescribed medication.

In my role I was able to ask very pointed questions. Mom, did you talk to dad about going to the doctor? Dad, did you talk to mom about the problems you’ve been seeing? Could there be alternatives to explain why this child is acting out? Can you both meet with the specialist to discuss your issues? 26

As it turned out, the specialist relented and allowed the child to be on a modified “no sugar” diet. The therapist agreed that the medication would wait to be given to the child pending the diet change. Both parents felt heard and both parents felt that their voice was considered in coming up with a solution to a given problem. The child ended up needing medication but that was hardly the point.

Hooray? Seriously, who wasn’t worried about these parents. It was true that I had stopped the battle by making a simple suggestion, but I certainly did not stop the war. The parents inability to relate to one another was definitely placing them in going full bear and headed toward high conflict. _______________________________________

What exactly is high conflict? Before you define conflict, simply google the term. When you do you will see two terms fly off the page “high conflict” and “low conflict.” When you do research you’ll find out that conflict experts call high conflict bad and low conflict good.

Conflict in your divorce does not necessarily mean high, or bad, conflict.

“The weaker I become, the more hostile and closed I am towards you and …. the more you react to me in kind.”

Not even close. The

percentages fall in line that a majority of divorces will be resolved through low, or good, conflict. Conflict, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. People disagree all the time and through their differences come up with solutions that are far better than either person could come up with.

Jeffrey Robin

Conflict can mean two very different things. Conflict can be over a simple misunderstanding, or it be contested, adversarial and deeply entrenched. Simple misunderstands are classified under the good type of conflict. (There are also “data conflicts.” Data conflict fall within good type of conflict. Data conflicts involve situations where people reach different conclusions based on insufficient data and their own personal opinion). The parents with the autistic child started out with a simple misunderstanding of the problem. Each had information they were relying on to come up with a solution to the problem. Each felt had a solution. Each parent’s way to problem solve through the problem was based upon their negative feelings of the other. If the parents of this autistic child truly had their way Mom may have continued to demonized dad as being absent and not having to be part of their 29

child’s decision-making process.

Dad may have

continued to demonized mom by stating that she was

The TKI Assessment

giving the child medication unnecessarily and alienating him from being a father.

A simple

misunderstanding would have turned into high conflict.

Assess: How Do You Manage Conflict? I’m going to assume during your marriage that you and your spouse resolved simple disagreements over where you wanted to eat for dinner, what you wanted for dinner, what movie you wanted to watch or disagreements over the family budget. You may have easily conceded to what your spouse desired or you may have worked out a compromise on matters you truly did not feel were important.

We typically resolve conflict in our own unique way.

Compete Collaborate Negotiate Avoid Accommodate Taking the TKI gives you perspective on the manner in which you resolve conflict. Thomas-Kilmann believed that a person’s conflict style can change over time depending on what situation they are exposed to. Collaborative individuals, for example may respond to conflict differently if they exposed to working in a adversarial system.

When it came to something that you both felt important that you disagreed with, you may have involved someone in the discussion or did some research on the issue. You would have worked collaboratively to resolve the problem. You did not take the disagreement and turn it into a high conflict situation. How you see yourself reacting to your world around you also matter in how you are going to engage conflict. If you see yourself as a perfectionist, for example, you may see few perspectives on how a problem can be resolved.

Suggestions: Take the TKI assessment to see how you typically resolve conflict. Take the Enneagram and define your pattern of how people interpret the world and manage their emotions. Share your results with your coparent, if possible!

Divorce changes the way you manage conflict. Divorce is a different animal. Divorce is the event that

Enneagram Model

changes the way the brain works through disputes. Divorce can you turn into a bear. No I don’t mean just momma bears, dads can be bears too. Surprise, surprise hurt feelings and the emotions of the day prevent spouses from working through their problems.

Rather than demonize the other parent. It can be helpful to understand their parenting style to have better perspective over their decision-making processes.

Enneagram tests are personality tests and can tell you not only how you see the world but how your ex sees the world as well.

Their problems don’t require a genius to

work through. Hurt feelings can move parents from having misunderstandings to having deep entrenched conflict. Inability to relate to one another simply turns conflict from bad to good.

High conflict is the cancer, it’s

what is what effects kids in both the short and long term. High conflict is the thing that’s going to drain

Type I for example are perfectionists they see the world as it should be. Persons with a Type 1 personality may have trouble with spontaneity and will avoid family members who have alternative perspectives.

Type Ones typically will marry Type Twos (Helpers) and Type Sevens (Achiever’s)

Type Five are investigators, are over thinkers and place an emphasis on exploration and discovery.

your bank accounts and rob your children’s college Type I and Type 5 can work together to work through conflict provided they do so logically and in a timely matter. Fives should avoid being critical of ones.

accounts.

DIVORCE IS A TRAUMATIC EVENT The day you know you are about to be divorced is like being involved in a car crash. Car crashes are moments you will never forget, their moments in time imprinted in your brain for all time. For those of you who have

never been involved through a car wreck I’ll tell you about a car wreck I was involved in. Years ago, I was given a car by my parents as a present when I started law school. I loved that car. It was a 1986 Buick Regal. I was going to keep this car for as long as I could. I went driving one night back from studying.

It was late.

The light turned

green, and I went forward through the intersection. At that exact moment I got hit by a car on my left-hand side. I got hit hard at the time of the accident. I went over to the driver and made sure they were okay.

The police were called and I

wandered around wondering if my car would be able to start so I could get back home.

The person from the other car opened their door of their car and blamed me for the accident. At that moment all I could think of was who this person? Why are they blaming me for something that was obviously their fault. I wasn’t walking well, and I noticed that my lower back hurt. The police were nice enough to drive me home. I began to think. My car was gone. How was I going to get around town? I worried about my back and I worried about how all this was going to affect my ability to be a student at the law school. At that moment I heard that the other driver was contacting my insurance company saying that I was at fault for the accident.

Apparently, the

driver’s mother worked for an insurance company and knew what to say. I was worried about my injuries and thought the worse. I did not think of kind words to say about the other driver and I really got very defensive about how I was going to deal with her. The car accident was a traumatic event for me.

The day you are going

through a divorce is going to be a traumatic event for you. I’ve been there, twice 35

actually, go the shirt, it’s not fun I know. So how is your divorce like a car wreck? Does a divorce cause trauma?

Trauma – How Long is this going to last? Severity of circumstance Level of conflict

As with any traumatic event, trauma is in the eye of the beholder.

One person might experience divorce as

Coping skills

devastating while other transition through it as a normal happenstance in todays world. Doc Elly.

Spiritual beliefs Reactions from family friends and helping professionals When Professor Folger shared the story of a carwreck he spoke about people so absorbed in the moment they were unable to relate to another. 36

DOC. ELLY

Folger’s point was that the driver was so obsessed about the accident that it prevented him from problem solving his way out of their current situation. Being self-absorbed meant that people would relate to one another in ways that were negative, demonizing, destructive and alienating.

IS THERE A BEAR IN YOUR AREA?

TAKE A STEP Thought so. Are you so enmeshed in the conflict that you are full on bear? What about your ex? Do you recognize each other right now? Dou think that your acting out of the trauma of the moment or the grieving

Stop talking to your ex over the phone or by text. Begin to communicate using smart apps that allow for parents to communicate that go through a divorce.

process of the divorce?

Why? • •

•

You Now Control When You Respond You Now Control Exactly What You Say. Go back and edit your response before sending them. Immediately Texting and thinking typically do not go hand in hand. Communications are recorded: There is now a permanent history of your communication. There is no longer an argument of what was said and when it was said. Interactions with your ex will be monitored by your attorney or your family law court. Unless there is an emergency keep all your communications through the app.

So, communications should be

“Which anyone whose been stuck in the mud in Alabama knows you step on the gas, one tire spins and the other does nothin” Ms. Vito My Cousin Vinnie It’s hard to make progress when you are working through your divorce. You not only have to worry about your feelings, but you also have to worry about your ex’s as well. Where are they in the moment? today? What was the drama report yesterday?

What will the drama be

“Professional have placed an increase emphasis on divorce being viewed as a loss which tends to result in grief reactions. The impact of grief goes far beyond the emotional realm, it affects the affective, cognitive, physiological behavioral social and spiritual aspects of an individual.” Grief and Loss associated with Divorce: A Counselor’s Perspective. Lisa Lydon (University of Northern Iowa) 2005.

When I say you’re stuck in the mud, you get it. You may try to work through the problem but find yourself unable to. You may be stuck in the mud and be able to push yourself way through it. Then there’s the other kind of mud that no matter what you do you just can’t get through it. You feel like talking less and feeling more. Of course. It’s hard to think through things when you are depressed and hard to care what your ex is saying when you are angry. Are you going to feel like this forever, no. Its part of a process and it’s a process that’s going to take time.

On a personal level work on mind, body and spirit: • Continue Your Routine • Walk, workout • Go to Church/Go back to Church

The Benefits of Emotional Journaling

• Meditate

Scientific Advisory Board:

• Journal, Journal and Journal

Written by Margarita Tartakovsky (May 2020)

• Engage in Therapy • If need be, consult with a Psychiatrist Emotional journaling validates your emotions and connects us to what is real. It removes the added layer of self-judgment and editing our feelings

• Find a Support Group • Create Your Team • Rely on Your Team IF TRAUMA AND THE PROCESS OF THE DIVORCE CAUSES HIGH CONFLICT, HOW DO WE TRANSITION PAST IT?

When we journal consistently, we discover patterns about our emotions and behaviors “making it a lot easier to identify triggers and help manage difficult emotions. “

New York Therapist Tzlil Hertzbert, LMHC.

MOVING FORWARD Folger identified the manner in which this person would relate to others as a negative conflict interaction.” Folger: Changing the Quality of Conflict Interaction. Folger stated that we could move past these negative cycles through recognition and empowerment shifts.

By recognizing where you are in the

process, where your ex is in the process, you have the ability to begin to listen understand and respond and make a conscious choice on the next step you want to take in the process. Bush was careful to note that these negative conflict cycles were not onesided but could be created by interactions in which the parties demonize and alienate the other. When I say you’re stuck in the mud before I meant it. You really find yourself trying to move forward only to get stuck, perhaps worse than when you began. If you can be child focused about it, perhaps that is the best way to go about it. You probably won’t care how your ex feels, but you can empathize enough to make sure you listen, understand, respond and make decisions that you feel are in your child’s best interest. Transitioning forward will be a moment in time right now. The grieving process is of course ongoing. Be prepared to take one step forward and two steps back.

Folger stated that negative conflict interactions were caused again and again and could be created by negative interactions that the parties had with one another. Its not only negative interactions, its interacting period. We don’t want to relate to our ex. We do if we need to but constant going back and forth gets painful if not irritating. 45

If it were a dance, I’d call it the two step. You’re going to feel like your taking one step forward at times, making advances and then finding yourself sliding backward. When interactions with your ex have become a source of irritation, I want you to call an audible off your co-parenting play book.

I call it Simmer One, Simmer Two and Simmer Three!

SIMMER ONE:

Lessen the times that you have to interact with your ex. When you have to talk to your ex talk through a neutral who will repeat what you are saying to your child’s other parent.

When you are ready to lead a challenging conversation with your ex

I’ll let you know. One call play at a time. Simmer!

Truth: You are not going to hold our ex-spouse’s in the highest regard. Fact: You are going to call our ex’s names, one of which is narcissist. -------------------------------------------------------------------Did you stay at the holiday inn last night and become an expert on mental disorders? Simmer! There is a difference between high conflict personalities and parties who have narcissistic tendencies. You may be confused by which is which. There is such a thing as a person who has a narcissistic personality disorder. Having a High conflict personalities disorder means that you actually have a mental disorder. These people have problems. You have a 90% chance that you or your ex do not suffer from high conflict personalities. That’s a good thing. Simmer!

Simmer Three: Get rid of the high conflict playbook “We don’t agree that’s fine, I’m going to court. “I’m calling my lawyer.” SIMMER! Why does your play call have to be off the high conflict play book? There are people out there who can help. Try to collaborate on one issue, see if you can move forward. Empowerment shifts require that you have perspective and the ability to make decisions that affect not only your life, but your children’s as well.

There is

no judgment here. The point is your off the sofa, you’re acting and you’re engaging. There is a moment in time where you will perspective and see issues objectively enough so you can act decisively. recognition and be empowered.

That’s going to allow you to have

Emotional Intelligence Emotional Intelligence is the ability to manage both your emotions and the emotions of people around you.

You are not going to have the ability to listen, understand and respond to your child’s other parent without emotional intelligence.

Emotional Intelligence has four components

If your emotions could be read like they were weather, would it be fair to say that there were present patches of apathy with a strong gust of anger anticipated? If you need to get mad, kick a can or take a walk do it. Take control of what you can, no one’s here to put up with it. Buckle up butter cup. I need you on you’re A game. More importantly so do your kids. You need to be last of your problems.

• • • •

Self-awareness Self-regulation Motivation Empathy

While we all have our own strengths and limitations, emotional intelligence is something that can be learned and developed.

__________________________________________

Welcome to the

Benefits of Bereavement Counseling

Show….

When one spouse believes that there is a possibility for reconciliation, they may fight to the better end against the divorce process.

For some couples, unresolved feelings about the marriage filter down into the divorce proceedings.

I remember a story of a woman twenty years

ago who was called to come to court at the time of the trial for her divorce. The woman would faint, and the hearing would

Spouses might find themselves unwilling to engage the divorce process because they are not willing to see that their relationship is over.

have to constantly be postponed time after time.

Welcome to your

show when either you or spouse

Spouses might find that the level of hostility in their divorce is high because they do not simply understand why their spouse wants a divorce.

hasn’t come to grips that the divorce is a reality, lacks emotional closure and continues to lash out because they want to continue the relationship than agreeing to its end. Have you ever fought over a lamp before? Ever, in your whole life?

Bereavement counseling gives everyone a chance to listen understand and respond to one another about why the relationship ended and how they should move forward.

This can’t be my situation, right? Statistics to know: Separated

Eighty Seven percent (87%) of couples file for divorce, 13% reconcile.

Reverse Course

40% of the time, at least one spouse is interested in reconciliation

Regrets

75% of the time, at least one spouse regrets having divorced with one year of the divorce.

To The Dream the Impossible Dream

This is my quest No Matter How Hopeless No Matter How Far ……………. Andy Williams

Thanks for reading this book of ours. I’m proud that you chosen the path to co-parent. Acting as effective co-parents is going to be great for your kids. But all is not accomplished yet. don’t get to this point check the box and move on with your day. Please don’t say what you’ve gone through the process and what hasn’t killed will make you makes you stronger. kill you. At all times, fear the bear.

There are bears out there. Bears will

High conflict is around the corner for every

divorcing

couple

with

parents.

Unresolved emotions, lack of trust is like two giant underground pools just waiting to be tapped into. Having a great relationship at the onset of the divorce is not going to cut it.

Assuming

that you will not have a problem in the future and avoiding each other may just turn out to be a recipe for disaster. Fear the Bear…. Avoid High Conflict. • Keep the lines of communication open. • Understand thoughts and feelings of your co-parent • Know when to initiate communications • Know when to include others, teachers, counselors and yes mediators are around to help when needed to diffuse conflict. • Respect one another, continue to collaborate and don’t take positions. • When in need, find options and resources to help resolve your problem • Try to be child focused when listening understanding and responding to each other. 54

Co-parents need to respect the fact that high conflict is a possibility and take steps to avoid it. There will be successes and there will be failures along the way. How you start your journey will be different than you end it. Focus on your direction and do your best to co-parent. Recognize that the raw emotions of the divorce, the process to get over the divorce obviously will affect how you initially react and respond to your ex.

Sometimes you beat the bear and well sometimes

the bear beats you. There is no need to do this alone. There are professionals along the way to help guide you. The good news is that there are so many fantastic people out there that will help you along your path to co-parenting. Remember one more thing. Co-Parents relate. They can relate poorly or effectively. Parents who relate poorly have to face the bear as high conflict will be the only way to resolve their issues. Good luck to one and all.

A LITTLE MORE

This book follows a relational model to resolving conflict for divorcing couples.

The relational model is based on restorative principles of law.

Restorative justice is different than the traditional adversarial system you may know and understand. Restorative justice is about restoring relationships. The traditional model is more about advancing positions through litigation or advancing positions at time of negotiation or mediation. The restorative model is more about collaborating first and working together through the problems at hand. At my office we use the relational model to ensure that our co-parents are communicating, collaborating and working on resolving issues concerning their children. There are relational mediators in the United States and across the

world. It is a rather new concept that is gaining the attention of parents whose wish is to co-parent. I believe that conflict is relational. I believe parents get caught up in the moment of divorce and find themselves in high conflict situations. I find that the pain of the process was a cost too high to bear for themselves as well as their children. It’s not a surprise to me that we as a nation are choosing marriage as a second option to simply cohabitating. If you are curious to learn more about the relational model, I would point you to reviewing a report for effective mediation practices that was issued by the American Bar Association a few years ago. In the report the study showed that parties who could listen, understand and respond to one another had the best chance of resolving not only their present conflict but their future conflict as well. The relational principles addressed in this book are part of divorce parenting class to help moms and dads transition from warring ex’s to becoming effective co-parents.