Listen In & Speak Up: What to do when you don't agree.

Clinical Psychologist

People have ideas. A lot of times we don’t all agree on these ideas. It’s hard to know what to do next. This is a common situation felt by all people, including friends, family members and even world leaders.

People have different needs and goals and at times they get in the way of each other. This situation can be made easier, but it takes practice. Just like you have to practice your lines before a school play or practice your game-winning basket from the foul line, you have to practice how to solve a problem with other people. The more you do it or watch people do it successfully, the better you will get at it. Being able to solve a problem with another person is just as important (probably more important) as that game-winning foul shot. It is a skill you will bring with you when you get your dream job in your dream office. To keep that dream job, you will need to know how to work together with people with all different ideas.

The first people you watch practice this skill are the people that are around you the most. Have you and your sister or brother ever fought over the last cookie? How did you figure it out?

It takes saying what you need, listening to others, being creative and respecting the needs of other people as well as your needs to put a solution into action. Don’t be afraid of the struggle of the problem, be excited about the road to a solution! Solving a problem together with another person is like finding the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow! It’s going through something and then coming out of it a better, stronger version of yourself tied with the excitement of gaining a new friend/ally.

Where do you start? If you can, you start at the right time and place to have a talk about what the problem is. Starting to talk with your caregiver about purchasing a new app when they have already said “no” is best saved when you are at home, not when your caregiver is driving through evening traffic. Now, say how you feel and what you want in a clear way. Show the other person the same level of attention you would want as you are listening to them. Brainstorming solutions to the problem is the fun part because you can be creative. Agree on a solution and move forward to put it into action. For example, our brother and sister example fighting over the last cookie could split the cookie in half so they can both enjoy it.

Here are the steps to bringing up a problem to someone: •

Ask the other person if now is a good time to talk.

•

Say “I feel ___ because____. I would like ____. Can we figure this our together?”

•

Look at and listen to what the other person has to say.

•

Brainstorm or think of all different ways to solve the problem that fits the needs and wants of both people. Be creative.

•

Choose a solution and put it into action.

What if someone has a problem to bring up to you? Then, what do you do? For example, if you borrowed your friend’s phone charger, but didn’t give it back. They need to call you out on this. Be open to the person’s feelings and ideas. It takes courage on their part to bring up a problem with you.

It’s also a lot like the steps of bringing a problem up to someone else with a few changes. Check out the steps of bringing up a problem to you below.

Someone Bringing Up a Problem to You: •

Let the person know if it is not a good time to talk about the problem and find a time to

talk that works best for you both if needed.

•

Look at and listen to the person who is talking to you. Ask questions about what they are saying.

•

State your needs. Say, “I feel___. I want ____ because_____.”

•

Brainstorm ideas to solve the problem together. Put the agreed upon solution into action.

•

Thank the person for coming to you to and working the problem out together.

Sometimes solving a problem with another person is easier said than done. Sometimes there are no creative ways to solve the problem; the other person can’t understand your ideas or you can’t understand their ideas.

Don’t lose heart. You can agree to disagree. We may feel that it is important to have our voice heard to show that what happened was noticed and not okay. Situations keep evolving or changing and something might happen that will cause the problem to move and progress. Use your resources around you. For example, it’s always good to talk to people you trust. Trusted adults can give some really good advice because they may have gone through the same thing. Some adults may even be willing to be a mediator in the situation to help reach a solution that everyone can agree on.

It is important to stay true to the person that you are and want to be. Others may be disrespectful and even hurtful. This is not okay. This pushes people further away from each other and it doesn’t solve anything. Space may be needed between people at that time, but you can find peace in your own heart and in your own group of friends and family. You cannot control how the other person responds in the situation. You can control your behaviors and actions. Think about the situation before you act on it. Talk to a trusted adult.

Choose an action that you can be proud of.

Dr. Ellen Curran is a clinical psychologist and family therapist practicing in Rhode Island.

Looking back on a disagreement you had with a friend or loved one, how did you handle it?

Did you agree to disagree or did you find a creative solution together?

How do you think you might handle a disagreement in the future after reading this article?

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