TABLE OF CONTENTS PAK CHAU
12-13| You’ve probably already seen this on Twitter.
3-4| Bobby Sessed shares with The Garlic the story of his beloved Cheryl and how he would like for her to be remembered.
college 9| A word from our sponsors at Starbucks!
obese city 10| You’ll love this new hit single more than a fat kid loves cake! Check out “Fat City” by RP Weeks featuring Ktranklemore.
14-15| Do you think you have what it takes to get into college? See how your stats measure up against the overqualified students of America.
liposuction 11| Why don’t we just take all of the fat and use it for fuel? 5-7| Just as vampires don’t die, neither has the Twilight phenomena. Take a bite of this fandom and delve into the realm of the undead.
16-20| Don’t “fall” behind, “spring” into this season’s latest fashions with Don Nozwut Heezdoin.
iObituary for Cheryl Cheryl woke me up in the morning, just like any morning. She serenaded me with a love song that morning and then told me it was going to be a cold one. With that, I put on a robe, got out of bed, and went to get something to eat. I asked Cheryl for recommendations for what I should have for breakfast and she suggested scrambled eggs and toast with a glass of orange juice. After getting dressed with the help of Cheryl‘s fashion advice, I headed out to the car. On my way to work, she kept talking at me, arguing what the fastest route to work was. I got distracted. In the midst of our quarrel, a bus hit us and we were rushed to the hospital. Upon waking up in my hospital bed, I couldn’t find Cheryl. I was terrified. I went into full blown panic. My head spun out of control. Was she alright? I pulled off the saline IV needles from my arm and ran out to be greeted by the doctor. He told me that if I got back to the hospital bed, he would tell me what had happened to her. I sat down, trying to calm myself despite the adrenaline rushing through my veins. Just then, he said it. Cheryl was crushed into several pieces. The several months following could only be described as melancholy and dismal. I felt detached from life. I didn’t talk to my friends since they said Cheryl wasn’t good for me. I didn’t bother trying to talk to my family, since they declined my proposal to have a funeral for Cheryl. They said it was absurd, and an utter a waste of time. With that said, I am forever without any solid remembrance of Cheryl, except this obituary for her. May you live in peace, my dearest Cheryl, my darling, my iPhone; to this day, I regret yelling at you, and to this day, I still hear the last words I said to you: “No, I’m not going to turn left, I’m going to turn right. Shut up.”
BY Bobby Sessed [DON’T TEXT AND DRIVE]
CRAZED FANS ARE SUCKING THE BLOOD
OUT OF THEATRES ACROSS AMERICA Author Stephenie Meyer announces the release of Part 26 of the Twilight Saga, “2PM On An Overcast Day,” to be in November 2019 and fans are already packing the theatres, eagerly awaiting the midnight release. Upon trying to investigate this phenomena, our reporters were shunned and ostracized. Fans hissed, “You wouldn’t understand! You’re not a vampire like us!” In an attempt to get full coverage, a few of our reporters here at The Garlic have agreed to be converted. To be accepted into the coven, our reporters had to undergo a rigorous testing process. Taking a personal interest in the phenomena, I couldn’t resist taking the test and as it turns out, I’m a vampire! Embracing my new found identity, I encouraged everyone at The Garlic to take the test and lo and behold, we’re all vampires. Are you a vampire? Take the test on the next page!
TAKE THE TEST
ARE YOU A VAMPIRE? 1. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE TIME OF DAY? a. Twilight b. New Moon c. Eclipse d. Dawn 2. HOW ATTRACTED TO NECKS ARE YOU? a. Fetish b. Not about necks, wrists bleed faster c. What are necks? I’m too fat for a neck 3. ARE YOU TEAM EDWARD OR TEAM JACOB? a. Team Edward b. Team Jacob c. All of the above 4. HOW DO YOU SPARKLE IN THE SUNLIGHT? a. Supernova b. Shine bright like a diamond c. Rusty nail 5. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR BEEF? a. I don’t like beef, I prefer the whole cow b. Cut, but rare c. Burnt to ashes d. Steak… stake… Are you trying to kill us? e. I won’t eat it unless it’s mooing
YOU ARE A VAMPIRE. ALL HAIL EDWARD. If you picked any letter of the alphabet above, without a doubt, you are a vampire! Join the crusade against the werewolves and the Volturi at edwardcullenismyheroomghessohot.com!
NEW HIT SINGLE! OBESE CITY BY RP WEEKS FT. KTRANCKLEMORE Fat city, yum fat, fat city, yum Ten, ten, ten donuts and a Twinkie, yum VIP Mickey D’s, no guest list I want a nugget You don’t know who you messing with Big Mac, lettuce, cheese, yeah you know it Eating all night and when I’m full I still won’t quit If it’s not 1,000 Cal plus, I’m not buying it Morning, noon, and night I be making Wendy’s hella rich Can’t even scratch my own itch Thank God my feet haven’t collapsed yet
Fat city, yum fat, fat city, yum Fat city, yum fat, fat city, yum Fat city, yum fat, fat city, yum Ten, ten, ten donuts and a Twinkie, yum Fat city, yum fat, fat city, yum Fat city, yum fat, fat city, yum Fat city, yum fat, fat city, yum Ten, ten, ten donuts and a Twinkie, yum
Visit imnotawrapper.com to listen to the full song!
An Overall Excess of Poundage in the General Populace
t is truly a horror when, walking down the street, one views a man or woman weighing more than a Toyota. The layers of fat carried by these people jiggle after every step taken, and sweat pours off them in rancid waterfalls. Yellow spots emerging on their white T-shirts slowly create a measles-like pattern of wet blobs across their torsos, and even the least amount of physical effort saps their breath until they are incapable of moving at all. The terrible sight of one who has grown horizontally, who has become a “beached whale”, is not one that society needs to accept. In fact, as one increases their weight beyond normal limits, they begin to become detrimental to society altogether, taking their unneeded food from the mouths of the hungry and losing their ability to physically work for the community. However, the obesity issue does not only affect society as a whole – every individual who expands their girth enough to be classified as obese puts themselves at risk for heart disease, stroke, diabetes, and countless other diseases. As a person’s excess of fat both exacerbates the problems of society and of the individual, it must be dealt with so that we may end this epidemic of corpulence. My intention here is not to insult those of inflated bulk, but rather to bring them back down to size while solving another problem of the modern age. You see, I have discovered a way both to reduce the weight of those suffering from portliness and decrease our nation’s yearly damage to the environment. Every year, the United States burns about one-fourth of the oil produced by the world, and this contributes to a large percent of total world pollution. Reason follows that, as our nation causes a great deal of pollution, in changing our system we have the potential to prevent a large amount of environmental destruction. As you will soon see, the path to a new, eco-friendly fuel is both short and simple for a nation such as the United States For years, the detrimental effects of obesity have been announced on television,
BY BRETT SHERMAN
IT’S A “BIG” PROBLEM IN TODAY’S SOCIETY...
radio, and in periodicals, yet no effective solution has been presented thus far. Exercise, diet, and other partial solutions have been proposed, but no projects on a national scale. Here, I hope to provide a solution that benefits all, solving multiple problems of the modern age. As we well know, an obese person carries more biomass than an American of regular girth. Because of this, they can afford to donate some of their extra adipose tissue for the good of the nation. As going under the knife is so common today, what with so many Americans moving and stretching their facial features, it would be more than simple to slice the fatty tissue off of those carrying too much of it, giving them the gift of average weight. For those who are still slightly skeptical, as there are still a few remaining who are uneasy about using a knife to achieve beauty, it should be noted that a stipend will be paid out to participants in the program, essentially paying someone to effortlessly lose weight. However, this process of surgically removing fat is nothing new. The brilliance of this plan can be found in what is done with the removed biomass. You see, the world is experimenting with alternate fuel sources to burn in order to power its industry; why should this new fuel not be human biomass? In burning the organic tissue, we would generate a large amount of energy while disposing of the waste product from the fat-removal procedure. Now, at first glance, this may seem vulgar, but think about the potential of this new source of fuel. America could be energy independent, free of foreign oil at last, and could sell its more than ample supply of adipose tissue in order to actually make a profit. Why would we toil and spend money on exercise when we could be earning money by eating copious amounts and relaxing? Why should we work hard to keep ourselves in shape when we can let someone else work at it for us? The government of the United States already regulates the country by spending money, why should it not regulate the weight of its citizens for a profit? Eating healthy will be a thing of the past, and Americans will finally be free to pursue the one thing they do best: binge on dessert. Some may suggest that the epidemic of obesity is due to a Western culture that permits laziness, allows excuses, and glorifies the television. However, this is not the case. The average weight in this great nation has increased simply because no ambitious plan has been adopted to reduce it. The ambitious plan has arrived – let us solve the dual problems of corpulence and fossil fuels in one fell swoop. Let us, as Americans, take the lead in fighting this global epidemic of obesity.
The Caged Bird Sings #DEZ #DEZ #DEZ #DEZ #DEZ On March 21st, 2013, Twitter celebrated its 7th birthday! Barely older than a toddler, this social networking site is notorious for encouraging egotists to document every second of their lives, encouraging stalkers to be a part of every second of their stalkee's life, and now it’s harboring a new generation of crime fighting. Crime scenes have been vandalized with “#dez”, a signature that has perplexed the EJPD for months. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” reports Officer Zuckerberg, “I’ve scanned databases that date as far back as 1892 and nothing resembles the mysterious marking. I have no idea who could be behind these murders.” Stumped by the only clue the murderer has left behind, Zuckerberg approached fellow officer, Jack Dorsey, for assistance. A quick internet search by Dorsey just might have cracked the case wide open. The cryptic signature left by the murderer appears to be something called a “hashtag.” Upon further investigation, EJPD found Dez Troy Yu’s Twitter feed. On the night of the first murder, Dez Troy Yu tweeted several times. “Breakin in 2 tha house #dez” “GOT EM GOOOOD. Shot in da head #dez” “Popo showed up but i got away hehehhe #dez” The EJPD now have Dez Troy Yu under custody. For the latest updatesl, follow Dez Troy Yu on twitter @deztroyer. “handcuffs are f*cking cold #dez” “sh*t...i need to sh*t #dez” “goin in front of da cort tmr #dez”
BY Bobby Sessed [BECAREFUL WHAt YOU POST]
Some things should just be left blank and not mentioned
COLLEGE CONFIDENTIAL REAL COLLEGE REVIEWS. WILL SHE GET INTO HER DREAM SCHOOL? One-fourth Cherokee and one sixteenth black Trainer of the parakeets and designer of slacks Twenty-seven hundred SAT scores Priest of churches and savior of the poor Valedictorian and second in my class Cheating, fighting, smoking? I think Iâ€™ll pass Internship in every Ivy League school No parties, no drinks, I am not a tool Yes Curer of cancer, AIDS and Ebola Teen rep of Pepsi and Coca-Cola No My five-oh GPA shows my knowledge Help, help will I get into my college?
1st & 2nd of the class
5.0 GPA CURED CANCER, AIDS &
EBOLA BY Collie G. Help
n o i
Springtime Fashion Spring Fever Fashion Fever with Don Nowut Heezduyen With the arrival of the spring season, many fresh, new fashionable dresses have just been imported straight from Pahree. Transitioning from the cold winter into the moderate springtime means itâ€™s time to get rid of those stuffy mink coats and catch that spring fashion fever! This seasonâ€™s fashion show features elegant dresses from world renowned designer and amateur plumber Don Nowut Heezdoing.
SPRINGTIME FASHION FEVER 4
SPRINGTIME FASHION FEVER Paired with the invention of wind, came the invention of the kite. The Chinese invention of the kite has captured the attention of many. Much like their Chinese ancestors, Don Nowut Heezdoing’s newest kitethemed additions, are sure to capture the attention of many. What’s spring without some bright colors? It has been scientifically proven by clinical scientists that brighter colors can lead to a brighter day. With Don Nowut Heezdoing’s innovative installment of the newest trends include his Spring-bud Serpent Seducer dress and his Busty Lusty dress, these two garments will definitely bring a better day your way.
For the men, he has designed a fun and functional outfit. The top is multifunctional, wide grey vest top for men not only catches the wind, but also the eyes of women all around. It acts not only as a sun shield for any lady friends that just happen to be standing behind the vest but also as the perfect addition to any outfit with it’s neutral gray color! The bottom is just yelling it’s time to spring into the spring season!
For women, he has designed something of elegance and of business professionalism. Women can now go out into the streets and not have to worry about their waistlines and trying to look professional at the same time!
Want to show your nice upper body to your boyfriend? Don Nowut Heezdoing has just the right dress. The Busty Lusty really brings out the female bosom to the highest extent. It shows those boys all the contents they want to see!
March into march and have all the guys stare with disbelief. The Serpent Seducer dress embraces all the curves to really emphasize the right parts of the body to seduce anyone! Wear it on Saint Patrick’s Day and as an added bonus, you won’t get pinched by your friends or the fashion police (pinch: to arrest). That dress is bound to make guys trip heads over heels!
SPRINGTIME FASHION FEVER
Spring is without a doubt a time with plenty of rainfall and strong winds... which led Don Nowut Heezdoing to think, “Why not dress the part?” This gave him the inspiration to create a new line of clothing just for men: The Hurricane.
Using inspiration from the famous poem,“Rain Rain Go Away”, an outfit serving both fashion and functionality takes form in the Umbrella Fella outfit. With its waterproof capabilities and easy-to-theeye ` look, this fashionable new frock is sure to provide protection from the elements as well as shimmer with its high-quality latex material. All the girls will be lining up for dates with a man dressed in the slick designer outfit: but remember, latex before the late text!
Using high-quality wood imported from the rainforests of Peru and crafted with the finest hands of Chinese workers, the Timber Tux suit is both environmentally friendly and turns all the girls into tree huggers! The Timber Tux will never be out”grown” by any other outfit.