MOTHER’S DAY

Reframing the caregiving experience

As I was walking into the entrance of a local retail store, I saw my friend Portia. We hadn’t connected in several months, and I was excited to see her. But my excitement quickly turned to concern as she relayed that her mother-in-law had recently fallen in the parking lot of a grocery store. (I live in Nebraska, where it is often icy in the winter and spring.)

I listened to Portia talk about how disruptive and tense it had been for her and her husband, figuring out where his mother should recuperate and how to make sure she was getting the best care. As a gerontologist, I am used to having these conversations. I often get frantic phone calls from friends (and friends of friends) who are navigating the way reality

By Dr. Sarah Teten Kanter

changes when an older relative gets hurt or becomes ill.

The concerns are valid, but there are positive aspects of caregiving that are often overlooked. Having to provide care also allows us to build deeper connections with a loved one while there is still time.

While I talked to Portia about caregiving from a positive perspective, she began to see that caring for her mother-in-law was an important and meaningful opportunity rather than just a problem to be solved. The same is true for any of us who find ourselves thrust into a caregiving role.

Because of recent changes in human history, we are all practically guaranteed to become either caregivers, care recipients, or both. The sooner we find our way to accept this invitation, the sooner we can suffer less and savor more.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, from 1960 to 1990, the number of people over the age of 65 in the United States doubled from around 16 million to 32 million. It is projected to more than double again to over 70 million by 2030. The increase in the United States is due in large part to the fact that during the last century, the average lifespan of Americans has risen from around 60 to 80. Of course, this increase in human longevity is something to be celebrated and revered. But there is a flip side:

We now have a significantly longer experience of aging. As we live longer, and as more of our population comprises those 65 and older, our cultural and social understanding of the human experience needs to change, too

There have been major innovations in how we provide care for the small percentage (less than 10 percent) of those who need some long-term care outside the home. Assisted living communities and living platforms like continuing care retirement communities (CCRCs) that provide progressive care are examples of solutions for those who need and have access to it.

But the majority of older adults in the United States maintain their independence and remain in their own homes or their chosen community their entire lives— especially with the help of loved ones, paid caregivers, and in-home care services.

According to AARP, informal caregivers spend about 20 hours per week helping their care recipients, performing tasks that include everything from washing clothes, cooking, and shopping to administering medicine, attending doctors’ appointments, and managing insurance claims. This informal caregiving accounts for over 990 million hours of care a year.

In survey after survey, aging Americans overwhelmingly indicate that they want to “age in place,” remain independent, and “don’t want to be a burden” to family and friends.

The majority of caregiving research has been focused on the associations between caregiving and negative physical and psychological outcomes, such as depression, stress, anxiety, fatigue and obesity.

But evidence supports a different narrative. While some negative effects of caregiving can’t be denied, not all caregivers experience the adverse outcomes so frequently attributed to it. In fact, more recent studies highlight that for most people, the positives associated with caregiving, such as deepened relationships with loved ones and a strengthened sense of purpose, outweigh the negatives. Multiple studies have found that caregivers actually have increased longevity and well-being compared to their non-caregiver counterparts—even among those with their own chronic health problems—and that the positive aspects of caregiving can mitigate negative effects that may arise.

How, then, can you move the needle on your caregiving experience toward the positive more than the negative? For a start, approaching caregiving with a positive outlook is crucial.

There are steps you can take to help in this regard.

1. Recognize and reframe your own perspective about what is most important in your life.

2. Steep yourself (and your care partner) in positive emotions and savor the moment.

3. Strengthen your bond with your care partner through reminiscence, and

4. Foster your own growth and resilience through personal practices.

When called to care, most people step up out of love and compassion. Using that love and compassion, as well as other positive emotions, to fuel your caregiving efforts is a step toward what can be a significant personal growth experience. Best of all, this reframing and these positive emotions are free, and easy to access for everyone—no matter your personal history, level of busyness, or income.

Choosing to view caregiving as a positive experience presents one of the most pivotal possibilities of our lifetime and for the future of humanity.

- Sarah Teten Kanter, Ph.D. is the author of Positive Caregiving: Caring for Older Loved Ones Using the Power of Positive Emotions (Publication date May 30, 2023). She holds a doctorate and a master’s in gerontology from the University of Nebraska-Omaha. Before pursuing her passion in gerontology, she was an executive at Kenexa, now an IBM company. To learn more, visit positivecaregiving.com

By Mordechai Schmutter

It’s fun to be invited for Shabbat meals because someone else is making a great meal for you and your family gets a little vacation. Also, if the conversation goes bad, you can always talk about the food.

But sometimes, a host doesn’t know how to end the evening. They serve dessert, which ought to signal the end, but everyone can still talk for hours after that - even though the kids are climbing the walls and the husbands are missing their naps. There has to be a way to end Shabbat dinner more definitively.

Wait - you say - we can sing Birchat Hamazon (Grace After Meals)!

Arguably, that’s why it was invented.

But I can tell you that isn’t enough. Even after everyone gets up from the table, the conversation can keep going. Even opening the front door might not help. The conversation may still go on.

Most people, when they’re looking for a closing line to signify that they’re leaving, say, “Everything was delicious.” And it’s okay to say that, even if it’s not connected to what you’ve just been talking about for an hour. Of course, only guests can say that.

But when you say it as a guest, you’re clearly wrapping it up. It is equivalent to saying, “Let’s end this.”

And you mean it as a compliment, but it can sound very fake. That’s because everyone says it, even if everything was definitely not delicious. Like if the chicken was burned beyond recognition, and you didn’t say anything when it was served because you didn’t want to hurt the host’s feelings. And they already apologized for it. Then you have to retract the compliment. The line doesn’t work if you have to say, “Everything was delicious… Whoops! I mean, except the chicken.”