Specters & Sensibility

septers & sensibility

My Love holds me tightly under the covers because she believes in stillness then kisses my forehead and puts on a binge-worthy show, mindless and healing. My love sustains me with hot Cheetos, worships my sweaty sheets while my roommates go to class and I sleep, knows I’d crumble if she were to release me. My love cradles me as I fall asleep, her hands glide through the slick of my unwashed hair. One step outside and the sunlight sears my eyes shut, so my love ushers me back to bed. My love is envious and possessive, needs me as much as I need her. My love squeezes me, a plea to stay in bed, so I do, chemistry lecture forgotten, but homework… due this morning? My love rolls one up when my cortisol levels rise, knows I’ll forget more with each hit. My love is pain relief, lures me back into her dark, hollow embrace. My love doesn’t care what others think. My love casts them all aside and clings to me so I can’t escape. My love is fearless, propels us over the edge, plummeting into freefall. My love brings me down, down, down, as I drift into slumber. My love cherishes me, loves me, enters my dream to chain me to her, a padlock without a key, inscribed with Forever.

My love envelops me, burns away fears of forever once again with warm wax seals and pretty promises of perpetual oblivion.

I call her my love, all-consuming and loyal.

My psychiatrist calls her Major Depressive Disorder.

3 months before christmas tell me what it was like for your lungs to go on a strike for oxygen to play hide and seek and refuse to be found your eyes must have drunk up the panicked yelling your ears must have licked up ample salt from the eyes left behind the second you realized this is all the sand that’s been funnelled into your hourglass your soul has crossed halfway and the gold door has slammed shut were you laughing when we threw you a life vest and a fraying rope hooked you up to pointless oxygen tanks then took it all back because where you live now there is no concept of treading water are you toeing the line between right here and bodiless? mom thought you were jamming the door to your old room i didn’t have the heart to tell her you were only a tote bag stuck in the crack a ghost is only microwaved memories a ghost is someone merely healing out loud your ex-lover washed the temple with waves of wails threw herself on your coffin as we lowered you home by the time it reaches you it must sound like suddenly remembering a dead language you didn’t tell me you could travel through dimensions one minute you’re here now you’re making me cry in a faceless dream why do we put tofu and mushrooms on your tabletop when your favourite was ginger duck and a chilled tiger?