Healing at Last

Healing at Last

PHOTO COURTESY OF AMBREEN SIDDIQUI

Editor's Letter: Samreen Siddiqui AS A PASSION PROJECT, I WANTED TO GIVE PEOPLE AN OUTLET TO EXPRESS THEIR RELATIONSHIPS WITH HEALING CREATIVELY. AS PEOPLE GO THROUGH HARDSHIP, HEALING IS THE PROCESS OF LEARNING MORE ABOUT YOURSELF. IT’S ABOUT EVOLVING, AND LEARNING TO BE YOUR NUMBER ONE SUPPORTER. IT’S MESSY, BEAUTIFUL, FRUSTRATING, REWARDING, AND REAL. VERY REAL.

PHOTO: AMBREEN SIDDIQUI

‘Healing’ by Baz Francis WHEN I THINK OF HEALING I ALSO THINK OF FORGIVENESS SIMULTANEOUSLY. IT'S ALMOST AS IF A BRUISE IS THE SKIN ACCEPTING AN APOLOGY FOR THE HIT. EVERY ACTION HAS A CONSEQUENCE, AND JUST LIKE SKIN HAS TO BRUISE BEFORE IT RECOVERS FROM HURT, SO DO WE AS HUMANS OVERALL. THE LAST YEAR HAS SHOWN US ALL SO MUCH ABOUT PRECIOUS QUALITIES LIKE PATIENCE, EMPATHY AND SURVIVAL. SO AS WE EMERGE INTO A WHOLE NEW WORLD, I STAND HOPEFUL THAT WE SHALL COME INTO IT AS MORE ROUNDED VERSIONS OF OURSELVES THAN THOSE WHO ENTERED THE RECENT INVOLUNTARY HIBERNATION. IT IS BY NO STRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION A PERFECT SCIENCE RECOVERING FROM ANY TRAUMA, AND TO EACH PERSON THEIR OWN EXPERIENCE IS OF FOREMOST RELEVANCE TO THEM. AS SOME FRIENDS WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED WHAT I CONSIDER TO BE FAR GREATER PAIN THAN ME IN RECENT TIMES HAVE SHOWN ME, NO GRIEF IS ANY LESS VALID FOR THAT FACT. I AM OFTEN TOLD TO BE KINDER TO MYSELF AND LOVE MYSELF MORE TOO, BUT I THINK OUR DEFAULT SETTING CAN EASILY SEE US BE OUR OWN TOUGHEST CRITICS. WHAT I AM TAKING FROM THE WISDOM OF OTHERS (COMBINED WITH MY OWN INNER COMPASS OF HOW TO DO RIGHT BY MYSELF) IS THAT HEALING DOESN’T HAPPEN OVERNIGHT, BUT WITH A LITTLE TIME AND FORGIVENESS, HEALING IS INDEED POSSIBLE.

"Healing Essay" by Kasey Clark TO ME, HEALING IS FINDING COMFORT IN AN EMPTY ROOM. IT’S KNOWING THAT EVEN WHEN THERE IS NO ONE THERE TO VALIDATE YOUR EXISTENCE, YOUR THOUGHTS, YOUR FEELINGS, AND YOUR APPEARANCE, THAT YOU ARE IRREVOCABLY WHOLE JUST AS YOU ARE. IT’S ACKNOWLEDGING THAT NO ONE’S PRESENCE OR ABSENCE CAN ADD OR DETRACT FROM THE MAGNITUDE OF THAT TRUTH. HEALING IS TRACING BACK THE CYCLES, LEARNING AND UNLEARNING. IT’S STUDYING INTERGENERATIONAL TRAUMA AND WORKING TO STOP IT’S PERPETUATION, OR AT LEAST SLOW ITS MANIFESTATION. HEALING IS BEING SCARED AND GOING FORWARD ANYWAYS--STRUGGLING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION, SUCKING TOWARDS A GOAL, FAILING IN AN UPWARD TRAJECTORY. HEALING IS HAVING THE STRENGTH TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR WEAKNESSES AND THE HUMILITY TO RECOGNIZE THEM AS STRENGTHS AFTER ALL. HEALING IS NOT LINEAR, NOT CIRCULAR, BUT AN EVER-CURVING, SWERVING, SWIRLING MESS OF EVERYTHING YOU’VE NEVER WANTED, BUT NEEDED, TO GET YOU TO WHERE YOU WANT TO BE. HEALING CAN BE LOVE, BUT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE. HEALING CAN BE ACCEPTANCE, TOLERANCE, SITTING WITH UGLINESS WITHOUT TRYING TO PRETTY IT UP--JUST LETTING IT BE FREAKING UGLY. I HAVE HEALED, I AM HEALING, I WILL ALWAYS BE HEALING AS LONG AS THE WORLD IS INFUSED WITH INJUSTICE AND NASTINESS AND DISREGARD FOR OUR COMMON HUMANITY AND OUR SACRED EARTH. I WILL ALWAYS BE HEALING AS LONG AS THERE ARE INTERNALIZED SYSTEMS OF OPPRESSION THAT I MUST UNLEARN AND DISENTANGLE MYSELF FROM, AS LONG AS THERE ARE LIES BURIED SO DEEP WITHIN ME AND ETCHED SO FIRMLY INTO MY SOUL. I WILL ALWAYS BE HEALING, FEELING, AND DEALING WITH THE COMPLICATED STATE OF BEING HUMAN IN A WORLD WHICH IS SO UNKIND. BUT I HAVE ACCEPTED THIS FATE AND EMBARKED ON THIS JOURNEY--I KNOW IT WILL TAKE A LIFETIME. SO I SIT DOWN AND FIND SOLACE IN THE EMPTY ROOM AND LET THE DISCOMFORT ARISE AND THE COMFORT SET IN AND LOOK MY BROKENNESS STRAIGHT IN THE FACE: I SEE YOU.

"Against the Perfect Medical School Statement " by Glory Huynh I HAVE TO WRITE A “PERFECT MEDICAL SCHOOL PERSONAL

STATEMENT.” I HAVE TO WRITE ABOUT LEARNING AND GROWTH. I WANT TO SHOW EMPATHY AND GRIT. MOST OF ALL, I NEED TO RESONATE WITH THE MEDICAL SCHOOL ADMISSIONS COMMITTEE READING MY STORY. THE OVERWHELMING CONSENSUS AROUND STUDENT DOCTOR NETWORK, THE FORUM OF TERRIBLE BUT SUCCESSFUL PRE-MEDS, IS DO NOT MAKE WAVES. ADCOMS CAN BE RADICAL FEMINISTS OR RELIGIOUS FUNDAMENTALISTS, BORN FROM WEALTH OR RECENTLY SUED OUT OF THEIR LIFE’S SAVINGS, PRO-LIFE, GENDER SKEPTICS, CREATIONISTS, WASP OR SECONDGENERATION ASIAN-AMERICANS OR SIKH OR ANYTHING UNDER THE RAINBOW. BUT MOST LIKELY, THE ADCOMS DISPROPORTIONATELY REFLECT THE VIEWS OF A CONSERVATIVE WHITE MALE ELITE OF TEACHING HOSPITALS. THEORETICALLY, ANY TOPIC WOULD BE ALLOWED, UNTIL I TURN ON THE TV, FLIP THROUGH DIFFERENT CHANNELS OF THE NEWS, AND LET THE OUTRAGE POUR. I DO NOT WANT MY LIFE’S TRAUMAS IN THE WRONG HANDS, BUT THIS COULD HAPPEN. THESE THOUGHTS WERE A PRESSURE-LIKE SENSATION AROUND MY TEMPLES ON THE DAY OF MY XMXX INTERVIEW. XMXX IS THE MOST COMPETITIVE ORGANIZATION ON CAMPUS, LARGELY BECAUSE OF THE MASSIVE PREMED POPULATION AT UCLA, SO I WAS HAPPY JUST TO GET AN INTERVIEW. EVEN IF THAT INTERVIEW WAS ON AN UPPER FLOOR OF AN EMPTY MEDICAL BUILDING UNDER RENOVATION, THE LENGTHS OF ENTIRE HALLWAYS WERE COVERED BY MASSIVE WHITE TARPS FROM THE FLOOR TO THE CEILING. I DUCKED THROUGH SEVERAL TARPS TO FIND THE ELEVATOR, AND FOLLOWED AN EERILY QUIET HALLWAY, PASSING BY MANY EMPTY WAITING ROOMS AND ALMOST MISSING THE ROOM. AFTER THOUSANDS OF STEPS IN MY HEELS, I COULD FEEL WOUNDS FORMING AT THE BACK OF BOTH FEET. I GINGERLY PEEKED AT MY FEET. OOH, THEY ARE BLEEDING. I TUCKED MY FEET BACK IN AND SMOOTHED MY PENCIL SKIRT. I WAS READY WHEN THEY CALLED MY NAME.

A SHORT MIDDLE EASTERN GIRL WITH LONG, CURLY BLACK HAIR LED ME THROUGH THE DOOR. UPON ENTRY, I WAS IMMEDIATELY STRUCK

BY THE DIM, FLICKERING OVERHEAD LIGHT CASTING AN ORANGE GLOW OVER THE ROOM. THE GIRL SAT DOWN NEXT TO A TALL ASIAN GUY BEHIND AN AVERAGE TEACHER’S DESK THAT NEARLY FILLED THE ENTIRE ROOM. I SAT BEFORE THEM AND INTRODUCED MYSELF, SHAKING BOTH OF THEIR HANDS WITH A BUSINESS SMILE. I HANDED THEM THE REQUIRED PAPERWORK. THE LIGHTS WERE FLICKERING AT AN UNPREDICTABLE CADENCE. “TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF,” THE GIRL PROMPTED ME WITH A SMILE. YES, MA’AM. I AM A JUNIOR BIOCHEMISTRY MAJOR WITH A MATH MINOR. I COMMUTE FROM HOME, WHERE I HELP TAKE CARE OF MY GRANDFATHER WITH PARKINSON’S. HE IS NOT ON HOSPICE CARE YET. I AM A CERTIFIED NURSE ASSISTANT AND I WILL BE THERE FOR HIM WHEN HE IS. MY INTERVIEWERS TOOK TURNS. THE TALL ASIAN GUY ASKED ME ABOUT MY MOTIVATIONS TO BE IN XMXX. I DISCUSSED MY INTEREST IN EMERGENCY MEDICINE AND MY ADMIRATION FOR THE RONALD REAGAN EMERGENCY DEPARTMENT. I HAD FIRST ENCOUNTERED IT AS A CAREGIVER TO A PSYCHIATRIC PATIENT, AND RETURNED AS A VOLUNTEER. IT WAS PART OF MY HEALING PROCESS, BUT I LOVED THE DEPARTMENT AND TOOK EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO BLEACH EVERY WAITING ROOM SEAT, JUST TO MAINTAIN MY EXCUSE TO BE THERE. THE GUY INTERVIEWING ME NODDED WITH ENCOURAGEMENT. I THOUGHT THINGS WERE GOING WELL. I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THE NEXT QUESTION. THE GIRL ASKED, “WHAT IS THE HARDEST EXPERIENCE YOU’VE EVER HAD?” I BLINKED. ARE THEY ALLOWED TO ASK ME THAT? IN MY HEAD, I RACED THROUGH MY MOST PAINFUL MEMORIES. I HESITATED FOR A SPLIT SECOND WHEN I KNEW. THESE PEOPLE WERE MY AGE, PROBABLY LIBERAL, BUT I HADN’T TOLD MANY PEOPLE, LET ALONE KNOW MANY PEOPLE WHO WOULD RESPOND WELL. BUT ONE THING I KNEW WAS THAT AS SOMEONE WHO HAD SURVIVED THIS, I COULD NOT LIE ABOUT IT. PART OF ME STILL FELT SHAME, I WAS STILL HAVING SOME DIFFICULTY SLEEPING, AND LOUD SOUNDS STILL MADE ME SKIP A HEARTBEAT, BUT MOST OF ME KNEW THAT MY WORST EXPERIENCES WERE THE ONLY WAYS TO EXPLAIN THE SENSE OF STRENGTH I FEEL TODAY.

“IT WOULD BE WHEN MY XXX DEVELOPED SCHIZOPHRENIA. HE HAD NO ONE, BUT IT WAS ALARMING TO WATCH AS HE WOULD NOT ALLOW ANYONE ELSE TO CONVINCE HIM TO GET HELP. I TOOK IT UPON MYSELF TO KEEP AN EYE ON HIM AND HELP HIM GET THROUGH THE TRIAL-AND-ERROR OF FINDING THE RIGHT MEDS. HE WENT INTO PSYCHOSIS ONE TIME AND MESSED ME UP PRETTY BAD. HE RAPED ME. MY IUD BECAME PARTIALLY EXPELLED THROUGH MY CERVIX, AND I WAS UNABLE TO STAND UP STRAIGHT AND WALK FOR A FEW HOURS. IT HAD TO BE REMOVED AT ASHE.” “HE WAS PSYCHO, SO IT WASN’T ALL HIS FAULT. BUT ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH. I MADE SURE HE HAD THE PSYCHIATRIC HELP HE NEEDED AND WALKED AWAY. BUT THAT WAS DEFINITELY AN EXPERIENCE THAT HAS TAUGHT ME ABOUT MY TOLERANCE, AND MY ABILITY TO SURVIVE AND FLOURISH IN SPITE OF THINGS I DID NOT ASK FOR AND CANNOT CONTROL. I DID NOT DROP OUT WHEN I WAS TAKING CARE OF HIM, OR AFTER IT ALL. I’M HERE NOW, APPLYING TO XMXX.” AS I SAT IN THE FLICKERING SEMI-DARKNESS AND TOLD THEM THE PAINFUL TRUTH OF MY COLLEGE LIFE, I SAW THEIR SMILES FALL. THE GIRL WAS GRIPPING HER WRIST WITH HER OTHER HAND, AND I COULD SEE THE ASIAN GUY WAS AT A LOSS FOR WORDS. ABUSE IS AN UNCOMFORTABLE SUBJECT IN GENERAL, LET ALONE AT AN INTERVIEW. IT OPENS UP MANY QUESTIONS FROM THE READER TO THE NARRATOR. SOME OF THESE QUESTIONS MIGHT FEEL INSULTING TO ASK, BUT THEY NEED TO BE ASKED SO THEY CAN BE ADDRESSED, AND MY INTERVIEWERS WOULD NOT HAVE THE TIME OR NERVE TO ASK. BECAUSE CLARITY WAS NOT SOUGHT, THINGS REMAINED AWKWARD. DID THEY THINK I MIGHT BE TOO UNSTABLE FOR EMERGENCY MEDICINE? DID THEY THINK I NEED THERAPY INSTEAD OF A JOB? DID THEY BELIEVE ME WHEN I ASSERTED MY STRENGTH AS A SURVIVOR? DID THEY BLAME ME FOR GETTING IN BED WITH A CRAZY?

AWKWARDNESS IS ALL IT TAKES. MAYBE JUST A SMIDGEON OF STIGMA. NEEDLESS TO SAY, I DID NOT GET A SECOND INTERVIEW. THE INTERROGATION LEFT ME THINKING FOR A WHILE AFTERWARDS ABOUT ACCEPTABLE TYPES OF TRAUMA. BUT AS HARD AS IT IS FOR ME TO SPEAK OUT, I AM PROUD OF MY GROWTH THROUGHOUT THE VIOLENCE AND THROUGHOUT MY RECOVERY. IT MAKES ME FEEL BRAVE AND A LITTLE WISER TO KNOW WHO I AM UNDER IMMENSE PRESSURE. I NEVER AGAIN APPLIED TO XMXX. THE STUDENT DOCTOR NETWORK RECOMMENDS TO AVOID DISCUSSING ABUSE IN THE PERSONAL STATEMENT. TO DISCUSS A STORY OF GRIT AND EMPATHY. BUT WHAT IS SURVIVORSHIP WITHOUT GRIT AND EMPATHY? HOW CAN ONE POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND HUMAN NATURE WITHOUT SKIN-CRAWLING, HAIRRAISING, GUT-WRENCHING BRUSHES WITH IT? WHEN XMXX ASKED ME ABOUT MY HARDEST EXPERIENCE, I THINK THEY WERE HOPING I HAD ALREADY CONSTRUCTED A MYTHOLOGY ABOUT MYSELF, CANNED AND READY TO GO. A MYTH THAT FOLLOWS ALL OF THE CONVENTIONS. ONE THAT I COULD GIVE IN MANY DIFFERENT PERSONAL STATEMENTS. BUT ERASING MY HISTORY IS TO PERPETUATE THE SILENCE AROUND SEXUAL VIOLENCE. AVOIDING MY BRAVEST, WORST, AND MOST FORMATIVE MOMENTS IN A CONVERSATION ABOUT EMPATHY AND GRIT IS A DENIAL OF REALITY. MEDICINE IS JUST A BUNCH OF SCIENTISTS FACING THE FRAGILITY OF HUMANITY. IF A DOCTOR DOES NOT KNOW STRENGTH WHEN THEY SEE IT, THEN THEY ARE PROBABLY ALSO FORGETTING TO ASK THE PATIENT FOR SOME ADDITIONAL HISTORY.

"Perpetual Questioning"

by Jake Linn IT'S TRULY AMAZING WHAT THE BRAIN CAN FORGET, NOT WANT TO REMEMBER, OR WITHHOLD. IT WASN’T UNTIL RECENTLY THAT I REMEMBERED MY PARENTS HAD ME GO SEE A THERAPIST TO HELP ME BUILD A SKILLSET TO AVOID GETTING BULLIED. I CAN'T BLAME MY PARENTS. BUT, THE TRAUMA THAT I UNDERWENT IN THAT THERAPIST OFFICE WILL HAVE AN EVER LASTING IMPACT ON MY LIFE. THAT WAS BECAUSE, BEFORE I STEPPED IN THAT OFFICE, I DIDN'T WANT TO BE THE GENDER I WAS BORN WITH. AFTER I LEFT, I WAS FORCED TO ACCEPT HOW I WAS BORN. I DIDN'T LIKE THE GENDER I WAS BORN WITH. I HATED IT. I WANTED TO BE A GIRL OR WHATEVER THAT MEANT IN 2006.

AND I WAS BULLIED FOR IT…SEVERELY BULLIED. I STILL CAN'T RECALL WHAT THAT FIRST DAY IN THE OFFICE WAS LIKE…CAN'T RECALL HOW MANY TIMES I WENT TO THE OFFICE. BUT LITTLE

BY LITTLE, MEMORIES START TO APPEAR OF THE SORTS OF LEARNING BEHAVIOR WE CONDUCTED IN THAT ROOM. HOW TO SIT LIKE A MAN SITS AKA I COULDN’T CROSS MY LEGS BECAUSE THAT WAS “TOO GIRLY.” WHEN I WAS WITH PEOPLE, SPECIFICALLY GUYS, I HAVE TO LOWER MY VOICE SO “I’LL BE ACCEPTED.” WEAR DARK COLORS, NEVER BRIGHT OR PINK/PURPLE. IF YOU DO, IT’S “LIKE A BULLSEYE TARGET THAT YOU’RE NOT ONE OF THE GUYS.” WHEN YOU STAND UP AND WANT TO REST YOUR HANDS ON YOUR TORSO AREA, NEVER YOUR HIPS, ONLY YOUR WAIST, “UNLESS YOU WANT TO ACT LIKE A WOMAN.” “NEVER SAY YOU DON’T LIKE SPORTS.” “NEVER SAY YOU PLAY WITH GIRL’S TOYS.” IT WENT ON AND ON.

\WHAT INFLICTS ME THE MOST, IS THAT MY BRAIN SUPPRESSED THE EXPERIENCE YET UNCONSCIONABLY I INSTRUCT MYSELF TO WEAR A DARKER COLORED ATTIRE, LOWER MY VOICE, OR REST MY HAND ON MY LOWER TORSO. I GUESS THAT’S TRAUMA. IT OPERATES IN STRANGE, DISTURBING WAYS. BECAUSE OF THE ABOVE EXPERIENCES, I DOUBT I’LL SCRUTINIZE MY GENDER IDENTITY. MAYBE WHEN THE WORLD BECOMES MORE ACCEPTING. CONVERSION THERAPY FOR MINORS IS STILL UPHELD IN 26 STATES. THIS MEANS, TENS OF THOUSANDS OF YOUNG LGBT+ PEOPLE (80,000 ACCORDING TO THE TREVOR PROJECT) WILL CONTINUE TO BE FORCED TO EXPERIENCE A TRAUMATIC THERAPY MANY TIMES CAUSING SEVERE MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES AND CONTRIBUTING TO THE 2ND LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH OF DEATH FOR THOSE AGED 1025–SUICIDE (NATIONAL INSTITUTE OF MENTAL HEALTH). NO HEALING PRACTICE IS WORTH CHILDREN DYING OVER. REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU, THE READER, BELIEVE, I ENCOURAGE YOU TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THIS PRACTICE: READ THE MEMOIR BOY ERASED BY GARRARD CONLEY OR WATCH THE FILM ADAPTATION READ A SHORT ARTICLE OF A RECENT PANEL I CONDUCTED TITLED DEBUNKING CONVERSION THERAPY AIMING TO SPREAD AWARENESS OF THE PRACTICE TO JOIN THE TREVOR PROJECT CAMPAIGN, TEXT “TREVOR” TO 40649 IT’S UP TO ALL OF US TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE AND STOP THE SUFFERING.

Special Thanks to: PROFESSOR NEELANJANA BANERJEE KAYA PRESS MY PEERS IN MY ASIAN AMERICAN PUBLISHING CLASS MY CONTRIBUTORS: AMBREEN SIDDIQUI, BAZ FRANCIS, KACEY CLARK, GLORY HUYNH, AND JAKE LINN