My Body Is Not An Invitation

Her Campus Presents

My Body Is Not An Invitation APRIL 2021 • ISSUE 1 • VOLUME 1

CONTENTS Editor's Note

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A Letter To My Rapist

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My Dear Friend

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Catcalling

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Boys Will Be Boys

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30 Minutes With Eve's Joy Whitenburg

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Interviewing Survivors

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The Dangerous Eroticization of POC

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Priceless

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Walking

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After all

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my body, my choice?

The air felt like warm velvet

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Boys Will Not be Boys

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Ode to the Survivors

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The Storm

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Bleed Green and Go On

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Ovid Retold

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How MSU Responds To Violence, Harassment, And Discrimination

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This Sexual Assault Awareness Month, Include Sex Workers In Your Conversation

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Sexual Accounts By Survivors

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Not All Men: The Story of Male Sexual Assault

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An Interview With MSU's Sexual Assault Crisis Intervention Executive Board.

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The MSU Trustees May Not Be Guilty, But They Are Complicit

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Emily's Victim Impact Statement

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Sexual Assault Resources

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Our Thanks

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Photo Credits

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There remains what seems like an impenetrable wall of silence around violence and we must all play a role in breaking this silence.

REESE WITHERSPOON

EDITOR'S NOTE

We are happy to present to you, Her Campus’ Sexual Assault Edition, My Body Is Not An Invitation. This edition was borne out of the need to utilize our platform in bringing awareness to the prevalent issue of sexual assault on our Michigan State campus.

Moreover, it represents the passion and the urgency that we feel should be there when it comes to supporting survivors of these heinous crimes. Some of these survivors are members of Her Campus; some of them aren’t. But, either way, we stand with them and we believe them. This magazine is a tangible representation of all our feelings: our feelings of hurt, bitterness, and outrage. As you read these pieces from our vulnerable writers and poets, we ask that you meditate on the role that you can play in making our campus and our world a safer place.

We sincerely thank you for your purchase. All the proceeds from this magazine will go to Eve (End Violent Encounters) in Lansing, MI: an organization that supports victims of violent and sexual crimes. Thank you for the part that you have played in allowing them to continue their crucial work.

And, to our survivors, this is for you.

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~ Kadrianna Cohen & Kelsi Karpinksi

My Dear Friend Poem by Laura Horan My dear friend, I know you feel as if you are at wits end. I know that hopelessness you feel As if your head has stopped turning that wheel.

I know you have been through a lot And that “life sucks” has been a thought. Has thee given up hope?

If so, listen to what I have wrote.

You are not alone.

Put down that phone, No happiness comes from there.

It comes from those you hold dear.

We are here to help.

We know what you have felt.

Let us help you Not feel so blue.

My dear friend, You are not at wits end.

You are on a new chapter, And it will bring you laughter.

It may feel dark now, But it will get better somehow.

So please take a leap of faith And trust that you will be safe.

We are here to help So please do not make a whelp.

Hold strong, my dear friend, For you are not at wits end.

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Boys Will Be Boys Poem by Aubrey Sneed Cover up or you'll look like a slut.

What man would respect you when you're dressed like that?

Low hanging fruit is easier to grab.

So I covered myself from head to toe, and a stranger still slapped my ass.

But "boys will be boys," I guess.

Frightened by shadows in the dark and the thought of lurking men.

Stolen youth like flowers that will never grow again.

And not a soul willing to challenge the predatory behavior of a friend.

From pushing us down at recess, to stealing our lives when their advances are dismissed.

"Boys will be boys," I guess.

While we cannot erase the trauma of the past, there is a glimmer of hope for a better tomorrow.

When we'll hold men accountable at last.

No more talk of their "bad days" or "bright futures" Rapists: DO NOT pass Go. DO NOT collect $200, there is no get out of jail free pass.

Enough of that "boys will be boys" mess.

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Priceless Poem by Julia Alvarez my body has a price tag it’s worth depends on who you ask ask the television set, and they’ll tell you it’s worth one skin tight dress, a flash of cleavage and they’ll even pay double show a little leg mamacita and anyone will take you for a spin isn’t that what you want?

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ask this campus, this university and they’ll tell you it’s valued at 4.8 the percentage of Latinx students on this campus

ask again, and they’ll tell you it’s worth one or two brown faces, used for pamphlets and propaganda valued only when they benefit this school, silenced in every other situation why would we be unhappy with what we get, when we’re given so much? ask any man, and he’ll tell you it’ll cost one closed mouth used for sucking and fucking but nothing else what good is a woman when she speaks? my body has a price tag but these tags have been weathered and worn and the dress i call my skin is starting to rebel against the holes they have created, the missing pieces in my psyche, the lack of balance in my soul sometimes i wish i could hang up my skin shrug it off like a coat that doesn’t match the outfit underneath take it out for a spin only when it’s too cold to go without it but this, this is the price I pay to inhabit a body spun of the softest of fabrics stitched together by my ancestors with only the strongest of threads gold mined just for me so, go ahead add the tax tonight, i’m paying full price.

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to me, it’s worth it. to me, i am worth it.

Walking Poem by Laura Horan Walking Walking in the moonlight.

Got some buzz in my head. I’m walking, feeling light. Need to get in my bed Walking down the alley, Feeling like I’m watched. I can hear the pep rally, Need to be untouched.

Walking down the street.

Almost home.

I can hear the squeaks.

Need to charge my phone.

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Walking faster, Heart racing.

I might need a pastor.

Need to be bracing.

Walking with no escape. Heart pounding, Legs are out of shape.

Need to get some surroundings.

Walking no more.

They are too.

I hit the floor.

Need a better shoe.

Walking not by my will.

Hands on my body, I get a chill.

Need somebody!

Walking is now Hell.

Bruises and hands haunt me. I should yell.

Need to flee.

Walking is too hard.

A ball of shame.

I need a guard.

Need I be blamed?

Walking, was it too sexy?

Wasn’t it you?

I checked last time, and it resulted in an apoplexy. Need I be so shammed?

Walking slow, No point in life now.

I should “go with the flow.”

Need to get out somehow.

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Walking in the moonlight, Got some bruises on my head I’m feeling much fright.

Needed to be said.

After all Poem by Kadrianna Cohen I have tried But my song colors blue After all this time They still miss the societal cue That I deserved it Every darn bit After all, I was trying to flaunt it After all, I did wear that skirt So, it’s justified The way he pushed me on the bed Dignified When he told me not to scream If only I could say it was a bad dream After all, you don’t even believe me

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I kept trying Now, my song colors red After all this time I can’t forget the night I bled Soiled bed sheets And a frown painted smile I clutch my stomach And I pray it’s a lie Isn’t that what you think?

After all, I must’ve wanted it After all, I had to let him in My body, it must’ve provoked him Let’s call it even After all, your ignorance provokes me I tried harder Now, my song colors brown After all this time Haven’t you seen that you’re a clown?

You’re blaming me?

Well, I blame you You didn’t hurt me directly But I hear your tune It’s easy to bash me for speaking my truth After all, this didn’t happen to you After all, you don’t have the slightest clue I pray you never experience this I pray your children know only bliss After all, you couldn’t handle being treated the way you treated me

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my body, my choice?

Poem by Ayushi Patel not my choice when he put his hands on me pushing me against a wall with nowhere to flee not my choice when he forced himself on my body help! help! I cry out in my mind hoping but unable to utter the words aloud i wake up the next morning with no recollection, feeling a little foggy somehow i hope you’re happy while that night is only a memory for you it is a part of who I am now carrying the weight of that night on my shoulders trying to heal but how can I when I can’t process what I feel all because you felt entitled to my body as if I wasn’t a daughter to somebody as if my cries weren’t worth any weight so to this poem, I dedicate to anyone who can relate together with our words, our stories, and our experiences we can liberate anyone who has felt imprisoned by their own shame you are not alone you will be okay my body my choice on how I choose to view my night I can let it eat me up inside Or I can use my story to empower somebody

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The air felt like warm velvet Poem by Nya Todd The air felt like warm velvet The sun Like a beating heart And the music went down like butter I felt so stuck in the moment that I was sure I was in a movie Everything was beautiful The sky Their skin in the sleepy sun Their hair Everything.

It’s moments like these when I get lost in other people’s beauty that I’m able to forget my own ugliness To forget that on some days I do let that dark dim memory I pretend is blurry to crawl to the front of my mind On those days I hate my body

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I’m not beautiful. Nothing is.

The nightmares I have that always end in the same way even when the face isn’t the same.

Even when the villain has fangs or resembles a demon They become as real as the other people I try to get lost in I remember everything I forgot It’s on these days I need other people’s beauty the most, yet I always seem to be stuck in the past Of days of being so young I still had to sound out words Of a man who looks like me Who shares my blood But then when it’s really dark A new days rises And I remember that there’s beauty in just continuing to live Beauty in my friends and their laughs And hanging out under the sun where the light of Earth’s star washes out parts of myself and reminds me of the beauty of warmth On those days the air feels like warm velvet The sun like a beating heart And I live in the present

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Boys Will Not Be Boys Poem by Danielle James It’s just locker room talk that keeps them from being locked up but if boys will be boys...how am I expected to raise my voice?

Protect our daughters NO teach our sons that a girls body is not a prize to be won, we are not an object for your attention we our goddesses in our own reflections but women and girls are scared of what will happen if they voice their rejections.

I was 13 when a grown man first called out to me, a hot young thing on the street as I quicken the pace of my feet because I did not know what he would do to me. If I shouted back or raised my middle finger, would he follow me home or even pull a trigger?

A child’s mind should be full of magic and dreams but there I am at 13 terrified that he might have different plans for me...

Check under your car, hold your keys like wolverine, never walk alone, And you just might make it back home free....but I think Sarah Everard would disagree Women having to prepare themselves to go to war every-time that they step out the door Trans and women of color know this even more. Over 50% of their community will be a target for sexual violence but their voices will be silenced because of course we promote advocacy and change but how could we throw this promising young mans life away? Day after day we are reminded that our word means less than his.

As these serial predators sit in our offices Grab her by the pussy but we're the ones being too pushy when we fight for these wrongs to be amended #metoo this is not a trend....all we want is for the violence to end.

It’s not all men they cry but it’s 1 in 3 women who’ve faced the effects of that lie People outrage more for WAP than they do for rape but make no mistake these girls that you’ve taught to cover their shoulders have grown much older and are here standing before you today to say that "no boys will not be boys" but women will be women and you will not touch us till our consent is given.

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Ode to the Survivors Poem by Hannah Ramirez

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ode to the voice that rang through the static when they told you do not speak ode to the fist that tightened round its pride when they told you do not fight ode to the waves that crashed on the shores of solidarity when they told you you cannot change the world but you did.

ode to you, a hurricane of a movement, you, who did not know you were a hero but goddess was watching as you reached deep inside your lungs third degree burns from the fire in your belly and pulled strength out of you like a sword swallower

ode to you, swallowing swords, walking on coals you, wearing strength like shining armor you fighting a war ode to this war that did not start with politicians but with brave people and a hashtag ode to your art your music, your marches, your testimony ode to the essays, the letters, the phone calls ode to your voice, your voice, your voice, because they cannot take your voice they cannot silence you and if they try, they will hear us echo your story. this is an ode to the survivors ode to Aly Raisman, Simone Biles, Gabby Douglas ode to Doctor Ford, ode to Alyssa Milano ode to me, too, ode to the women i did not name ode to the women who will never be named and ode to us, standing together ode to the world we leave in our wake ode to the world our daughters will someday live in

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ode to you, temple of a woman, you learning to turn sorrow into building blocks you paving the road ode to you, loving yourself, you, capable of love, you, deserving of love, ode to your softness, your gentle, your patience ode to the new day ode to healing this is an ode to the survivors.

The Storm Poem by Madeline Curtis If I were a bolt of lightning I would strike him down first.

Once upon a time, a lesser bolt spared him, instead striking the ground before him.

He shares this fact as a trophy-- proof that he must be chosen.

Chosen.

Worthy.

He is truly neither.

He is less to me than the dirt beneath my feet.

So with all the rage and power of a thousand girls, Silenced.

Manipulated.

Stalked.

Terrified.

Yet recovered girls.

I would strike him down to the ground.

If I were a bolt of lightning, I would not miss.

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Bleed Green and Go On Poem by C Widmann When your team loses… again When you lose your lanyard and ID… again When you’re failing class… again When you change your major… again When you go to those parties you know you hate… again When your friends leave you at a house party after you begged them not to… again Bleed Green and Go On. When you drink too much and can’t say yes or no.

When you wake up in your dorm and feel hands that aren’t yours on your skin.

When you can’t remember the last time the hands on your body were kind and gentle.

When “It’s On Us” means next to nothing.

When the institution ignores the voices rising up in protest.

Bleed Green and Go On. When you find yourself spiraling, When you find you’ve lost sight of yourself, When you find others who know exactly what you mean when you share your story.

When lifting yourself up is your new norm.

When you band together to shout down the institutions that left you behind.

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Bleed Green and Go On. Together.

Ovid Retold

Poem by Kelsi Karpinksi in ancient Greece Medusa promising young beautiful liked to read Sappho amid the olive branches of Athena’s great temple.

She drank sweet nectar and wore cloaks dyed sky blue.

Poseidon entitled violent destructive took Medusa as his own on Athena’s sacred ground.

He was a god, and a man, and he didn’t wait for consent.

Athena strong wise strategic decided to give Medusa the greatest gift she could imagine: a weapon so that no man or god

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could ever hurt her again. a weapon of mass revenge, those snakes that made her myth, oh mighty Medusa. boys will be stopped—immortalized in stone.

A Letter To My Rapist Poem by M dear rapist,

i will never forgive you for what you did. i hope you spend the rest of your days regretting what you did to me. and i hope you spend the rest of your days in a constant state of worry, that your nasty little secret is going to go public. i will never forgive you for all of the insults you pummeled me with. i hope the words that were uttered from your disgusting little mouth sting like lemon juice in an open wound for a lifetime. i will never forgive you for the tears you soaked my pride with. i hope your tear ducts are emptied until they are bone dry every single time you remember the way you encroached upon another human being without their consent.

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i will never forgive you for letting your friends and family insult me and never standing up for me to them. i am not stupid. i am a dean’s list student at michigan state university. and you are a C average student at a community college. i am not ugly. i walk with the confidence of model taking the runway. and you hide your insecurities behind the same hoodies and jeans that you’ve had since middle school. i am as smart as you. actually, i’m smarter. i am smart enough to know, that no means no. i am smarter than you because i know that threatening someone into having sex does not equal consent. i will never forgive you for raping me. let’s call it what it is.

call it the nasty word. because what you did was a nasty thing. and people should be appalled when they hear that word escape from my dainty little lips when i’m talking about you, you vile thing. i will never forgive you for raping me. and i will never be sorry for leaving you. and i will never be sorry for taking back all of the things you took from me. and i will never be sorry for telling people about the monster you are. fuck you.

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sincerely, someone stronger and smarter than you will ever be

Catcalling

By Laura Horan “Nice curves.”

A guy on a motorcycle shouted as I was walking across the street.

“Want a ride, sweety?”

uncomfortable wearing nice dresses, midthigh shorts, or even an ao dai. Instead, I chose to wear long, baggy jeans with loose shirts to avoid being seen.

But it was not the end. It would never be the end.

I was just 15.

I remember, on that Wednesday morning, I wasn’t wearing anything inappropriate. I was wearing an ‘ao dai’ - a tight-fitting long-sleeved silk dress that was worn over pants. My face was calm but, on the inside, I was mortified. I could not say a thing. It was just like the ability to express myself in the moment was stifled. I ignored him, faced down, and tried to walk faster as if he would follow me home.

On that day, I said no words about the incident to my parents. I stayed quiet and silent. I didn’t want to make them feel worried. And I made myself believe that it was just an unfortunate part of my day.

I stopped thinking about it, but I knew it was still there, like a stain on a white shirt that couldn’t be removed. I began to feel

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Whenever I walked in public, I would make my face stern and unapproachable, hoping to fend off the unavoidable stares and shouts from men. But being covered had not stopped the street harassment, it only changed the kinds of catcalls I got.

That angered me even more because it showed they didn’t care that I was covered.

The thought that somebody was staring at me - at my body and its most private parts made me feel disgusted and uncomfortable in my own skin. And although I was extremely angry, I did not say anything because I was afraid to retaliate.

“Is it my fault to feel this way?”

Whenever I thought about that moment, I felt weak, powerless, and vulnerable. It made me question myself, my choices, and my own safety.

I suddenly remembered Khanh, a girl in my 6th-grade class, who once said she had a crush on her female friend. After admitting this, she was immediately isolated by other kids. Some did not bother talking to her.

Others mocked and made fun of her. They called her ‘ô môi’ – the label that later followed this little 12-year-old throughout her school year. ‘Ô môi’ comes from a French word, homo, which refers to homosexual women. The French word itself has no vulgar meaning but Vietnamese use it with an offensive attitude. That was what the poor 12-year-old had to suffer. I wondered whether, at that time, she was having the same feelings as mine right now: weak, powerless, and vulnerable. Did she feel ashamed and regret expressing her love, just like the way I felt for wearing my ao dai on that day?

“Nobody should deserve to feel this way.

Neither she…nor I.” When I first spoke out regarding how I felt about getting the catcall to my friends, some would giggle and tell me to calm down, as if I was too sensitive and it was

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not that big of a deal. But many had experienced the same thing as I had and felt the same way. Such scenarios changed the way they carried themselves in public. I was not alone.

I decided it was time to do something about it. And I did.

It took me 2 days to write down all my feelings and thoughts regarding my ‘uneasy experience’. I then sent it to a popular online site to help post it online. My message was spread like wildfire; I received many responses, mainly positive feedback, but there were unpleasant, vulgar messages too. I didn’t care. I felt brave, powerful, and satisfied. Many people claimed that they had been in the same situation before and that they had also felt terrified and powerless at that moment. Although there was no single right way to deal with street harassment, we shared and encouraged each other to talk about it with our family and friends and vocalize our disgust every time we had the chance.

It once again reminded me of Khanh.

When I recalled what happened to Khanh, I suddenly recognized something. Something

that seemed to be so obvious, but no one ever noticed – Khanh, just like me, was a victim of gender harassment. This made me realize that sexual harassment can happen to anyone, no matter their age, gender identity, or sexual orientation. The unfortunate incident that the 12-year-old had to go through was never her fault. I felt so sorry for not knowing this earlier to be able to tell her at the time.​From that moment, I knew that I had received new responsibilities.

Following that, I went on to participate in many movements against gender harassment and sexual assault on social media. In many forums, I was outspoken and involved with this issue. I was also an active member and a dedicated leader of the Abroader club in my high-school. Our missions were to create awareness of gender harassment​and educate students to understand that they each share a responsibility in the prevention of this crime.​And after 10 months, I finally had had the confidence to wear nice dresses, mid-thigh shorts, and of course, ao dai.

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I now carry myself quite confidently and won’t let anyone bother me. At the same time, I always encourage people not to suffer their fears passively. This one experience inspired me to face my fears and stand up for what I believe. Because there will always be a fear of something, it is not worth holding yourself back; you might miss out on the opportunity to do some important things for personal growth​. I do not know the answer on how to end sexual harassment or catcalling, but I do know one thing for sure, the answer isn’t for us to change the way we look and how we live our lives because of fear.​

"The best way out is always through."

- Robert Frost

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30 MINUTES WITH EVE'S JOY WHITENBURG

By Kadrianna Cohen

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Eve is a non-profit organization based in Lansing, Michigan that was started in the 1970s by a group of community members who wanted to create a battered women’s shelter. Over the last decades, they have expanded their services to empower survivors of domestic and sexual violence, stalking, and elder abuse. The services provided range from counseling, financial assistance and legal advocacy to medical advocacy: all of which are free and are dependent on the needs of the survivor.

Their goal is to provide an array of services that’ll help survivors get on their feet and obtain control of their lives.

Last March, I met with Joy Whitenburg, the Resource Events Director for Eve, to learn a bit more about the organization. She started off by explaining to me that abuse and sexual assault is “an isolating experience” as abusers cut their victims off from their support systems in order to maintain control over them. So, when the person wishes to leave their abuser, they feel very alone.

This is especially true in situations where the person has been alienated for a long period of time.

Joy told me the story of a lady who approached her at a community presentation to tell her that she had used Eve, and Eve saved her life. The lady’s partner was physically violent with her. His abuse was quickly escalating and he threatened to take their children if she tried to leave him. Feeling hopeless, she called Eve’s 24 Hour Crisis Line where their legal advocate provided her with a safety plan and gave her options on how to legally remove her children from a dangerous situation.

Having a group of individuals at Eve who believed and supported her made a huge difference in her life.

I discovered that there is a supportive staff at Eve who is willing and committed to going to the ends of the earth for their clients. In order to support survivors of domestic violence in leaving dangerous situations, they provide temporary housing; their medical advocates assist with transportation to the hospital and will stay with survivors; their legal advocates assist survivors with preparation for court proceedings, obtaining personal protection orders, and will go with them for support. Joy also emphasized the topic of stalking. “This is something that a lot of college students go through when they’re in college. This is something that Eve handles and we can help with restraining orders.”

She added that stalking was a sore point as the person isn’t really safe until something happens.

“Eve can help you to navigate the legal system and you’ll have someone working on your behalf who is a legal advocate.”

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Joy explained to me that college age students, particularly women within the age range of 18 - 24, are more likely to be sexually assaulted than any other group. “Sexual violence on college campus is much more prevalent than any other crime we can talk about.”

When I spoke with Joy, I quickly recognized her passion for the work that Eve is doing to make a difference in communities. I easily grew curious about her and wanted to know what she was driven by. I asked her, “What does it mean to you to be a part of Eve?” She started off by describing sexual assault as “so pervasive” that it is suprising to her when she meets a woman who is not a survivor. She hit me with the statistics that every 1 in 3 women have been assaulted, and that every 98 seconds someone is assaulted. This made me realize the extent to which people underestimate the pervasiveness of sexual assault and domestic violence. We might think that this isn’t happening around us because we don’t see survivors cowering in corners. But, it is happening. It crosses every barrier. We’re just good at hiding it.

THEN, BRAVELY, JOY STATED:

“I am a survivor of domestic violence and sexual assault. For me, this is about taking my power back and saying that I wish I had the courage to come forward like so many of our clients do. I wish I had the courage to step out earlier to get myself help.

But, I also wish that there had been somebody with a really big mouth, like me, who had been screaming at the top of their lungs: If you want help, I will help you.”

"That shouldn’t be an accomplishment in today’s world, but I see our clients and their children and I think that this isn’t what any mom or father, because this doesn’t only happen to women, wants for their children."

“I’m not a perfect person, but when it comes to my daughter, it makes me happy that she will not have those barriers to overcome.”

Being able to support others and being surrounded by team members who want to support others, whether or not they are survivors themselves, provides Joy with relief. She explained to me that you never know how impactful what you’re doing is until you see people who were in dangerous situations transported to safe situations.

While she isn’t a front-line worker or a counselor and isn’t exposed to the bulk of traumatic events, seeing success stories serves as a reminder that she’s a part of saving lives and making peoples’ lives infinitely better.

This urged me to follow up with another question about her: “Is there an achievement that you’re most proud of?” I didn’t anticipate her honest and vulnerable response.

The achievement that Joy was most proud of was her daughter. While she is a survivor of domestic violence and sexual assault, her daugher has lived a life 100% free of that.

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When the lockdown happened due to COVID, the staff at Eve knew that there would be an increase in domestic violence. This is because abusers have more access to the people that they are abusing, making it easier to isolate them from their support systems. Going to work might have been a safe haven for the abusee or having their abuser go to work might have provided them with temporary safety. However, with people being laid off or working from home, the severity of the situation often escalates.

Due to the generosity of the staff, the community, and donors, Eve was able to keep their shelter open. People made hand sanitizers for their organization, donated toys for the children in the shelter, and provided them with whatever they needed to keep their doors open. Their donations, monetary and non-monetary, made a significant difference and allowed their shelter to stay open whilst remaining COVID-free the entire pandemic.

What you do with your time and your money is truly a reflection of where your priorities lie. But people who don’t take this problem plaguing our society seriously and aren’t passionate about it are a part of the problem. If the work that Eve is doing feels important to you, I encourage you to reach out to learn more about them. Once you see the work that is being done, it is difficult to not be a believer. Find out what they do. Find out what your money is going towards (every 88 cents of every dollar goes towards helping survivors). Get involved with them if you’re not prepared to donate monetarily. They need advocates in communities to get the word out and to send up a flare to others that you will support them and believe them. That you will be that person who will sit by them when they make a phone call, that you’ll go to the hospital and the police station with them, and that you’ll be there for them even if no one else is. Get involved with Eve, and help them to keep making a difference in the lives of many.

I concluded the interview by asking Joy a question that I think would benefit survivors who want to begin the healing process. I asked her: “What would you say to someone who is trying to take their power back?”

This was her response:

“I would tell them that they are so much stronger than they think they are. I would not have considered myself a strong person either, but what happens is that when you take that first small step forward, it feels like such a big leap.”

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If you need help, please reach out to Eve or to one of their partners. “Trying to do this on your own seems impossible because it is impossible.”

They will help you. They will believe you, and they will provide you with options at no cost. Even if all you need is to say aloud that you’re a survivor, Eve will be there for you.

For more information, please visit eveinc.org

Why survivors don’t report their sexual assaults immediately

INTERVIEWING SURVIVORS

By Celeste Rubino and Elena* & M* *Pseudonym

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With gratitude, Celeste would like to thank the survivors Elena and M for their written testimonies. A forewarning, many of these inquiries should not be asked, unless and until the person questioned feels they are ready to answer such questions. Consent to invasive questioning is important and necessary. We are honored to receive both responses, each open and true as to the testament of the writer. M even wrote in response to our inquiry if such questions were too invasive, “Things need to be raw and ugly … or else other people will never understand how messed up this shit is” Something that could not be said clearer.

Purple is M. Orange is Elena. No deletions have taken place; however [additional text] has been included to add context or to make responses clearer.

Each survivor has answered individually, but their answers are placed in the order Celeste believes would be most fluid. This does NOT mean each survivor’s story is the same. But that with two voices echoing and reverberating off one another, we hope other survivors may be encouraged to share their own stories.

Why do you believe the number of reports is lower than what is expected?

I think the number of reports is low because of fear. For a long time, I lived with what happened to me in complete silence because I did not think anyone would believe me. When people speak out to their friends and loved ones, [and] don’t even report, they are told that they are “overreacting”, are “misreading the situation”, or are called straight up liars. Others are told that the assailant “didn’t mean it like that”, or that they were “asking for it”. I have heard from so many people that survivors who come forward are liars and I see them get treated like absolute trash in the media. People who are supposed to love survivors and are supposed to respect them and take their side, insult them, call them liars, victim blame, and come to the defense of the assailant. If this is the response coming from loved ones, it’s hard to feel that you will be believed if you tell strangers. It also takes weeks, months, even years to process what happened and realize it was actually an assault, and by that time many people feel it is too late to report.

How would you describe the incident that took place?

My incident was 2 separate incidents. So the first time my boyfriend forced himself in me without a condom I didn't believe it happened. Then he did it all the time.

He wouldn't accept when I said no and he NEVER wore protection.

My boyfriend at the time asked me to have sex, our relationship was already bad, he let his friends and family insult me and harass me regularly and would agree with them to make me look bad. When he asked me to have sex, I said no. He asked me repeatedly, and I kept saying no. He started crying, sobbing. He was telling me that I was a horrible girlfriend because I never put out. He said that he was only mean to me because I would never have sex with him. He told me if I would have sex with him that he would stop being so mean to me all the time. I kept saying no, and I threatened to leave him.

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He told me that if I didn’t have sex with him and if I left that he would kill himself and it would be my fault.

He continued to insult me, threaten me, and berate me.

Eventually I stopped fighting him. He took my pants off and fucked me, without my consent. While I laid there and stared at the ceiling lifeless. I left his house right after and we never had sex after that, but it took me months to leave him.

After we broke up he broke into my MSU dorm room and forced me into a car to get me to agree to defend him in a statutory rape case he was charged with.

How would they describe the incident that took place?

He said that I was a lying, attention seeking whore who felt guilty about having sex with him. He said that he was such a nice guy that he would never hurt a fly let alone another person. He said I was just having a bad day but changed my mind and said that I wanted to have sex. He always told me he was just showing me he cared.

After the incident, how have you changed?

My sex drive comes and goes. I have an immense fear of men.

Once I finally told my friends and realized that rape, I broke up with him. Immediately following the breakup, I was hypersexual. I wanted sexual attention from anyone who would give it to me and I wanted to have sex with people and ghost them. Many of my male friends I no longer speak to because they told me what happened and why I am scared to be alone in a room with them wasn't real. I wanted control over my sex life and I wanted control when having sex.

After that, when I finally talked about my story without naming my rapist, I was called a liar, a whore, an attention seeker. I was told that I was making up the story because he was such a nice guy. I have tried bringing it up to my dad and he told me it is always the victim's fault because they are all liars. I stopped wanting sex after that. It felt like a chore, like something I had to do. It took me a long time to be comfortable with being sexual again and comfortable with saying what I want during sex. I’m cautious about who I trust. I don’t like being alone with guys I don’t know. I don’t get intoxicated outside my house. I always carry pepper spray and a knife on me.

Who have you told? Why do you feel you can express what happened, right now?

I’ve told my closest friends, my sister, and my current boyfriend. I told my mom and my older sister two years after it happened and my best friend one month after he forced me into the car.

I told the story without naming anyone on a private social media post, and got immense backlash from it. I still refuse to use my name when I talk about it because I live in fear every single day that he will come find me again, but I understand now that I need to speak up because no other girl or boy needs to feel or face what I went through. I feel like I can tell my story now because I know what happened that day. I know I’m not lying. I know I’m not looking for attention because I never named anyone. I know I’m telling the truth. I can talk about it because it still haunts me at night and I still have nightmares about it.

I still think twice about having sex and I still run through what I would do if the same thing happened to me again today. I can talk about it because I deserve to tell my story. I deserve to be heard because I’m telling the truth.

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Why do you want to speak out now?

I want to speak out now because I want people to know that it’s not a stranger jumping from the bushes that rapes you and runs away. It’s not always brute force and someone ripping your clothing. Sometimes it’s your significant other that threatens you with their life and [you are the one receiving] poor treatment. I want to speak out because some people feel they’re entitled to sex in a relationship and you aren’t. You are allowed to say no when you don’t want sex and you’re supposed to say no when you don’t want sex. I spent the [last] 8 months [I] was [with him] being raped [and] pretending that he was right. That I wanted it and just didn't know it. That him forcing me and not listening when I cried or when I bled or when I said no was just foreplay even though I knew what was happening. [That] I loved the man I was with. I want to speak out because it took me too long to realize that what he did to me was wrong, and I want other people to see that this situation is wrong and isn’t something anyone should have to go through What do you think held you back from speaking out before?

It took me months to realize it was even rape. I told my best friend about what happened the day after it happened, and I remember her looking at me with wide, bewildered eyes, asking me frantic questions. I didn’t even understand why she was so shaken up, and she didn’t say anything because she didn’t understand why I was so relaxed. Months later, when I felt like maybe something about that wasn’t right, I told her and another friend the same story, and the other friend immediately said “That’s rape. That was not consensiual sex, that was rape.” I finally felt like I was heard and someone else saw how horrific that relationship was from the outside, and I knew I wasn’t just making it up or over exaggerating. I have been told by many people that I was lying about parts of my assault. I can honestly say I wish I was lying. I wish it never happened to me. I wish every day that I could wake up and not remember what happened to me...

I truly convinced myself I was reading too much into the situation and that it wasn’t alarming at all. After I told people, I still felt (and still do feel) like I couldn’t report my story. The situation is too messy. As soon as someone heard that he was my boyfriend, they would immediately not take me seriously. Even if they did, it would just be my word against his, and I fear that would never go anywhere and I would just have even more trauma to deal with from it.

I wish every day that the 3 times I reported it to Michigan State University and the 4 faculty members who also reported it would have all been taken seriously instead of just being ignored.

Which external forces have you encountered?

I avoid East Lansing.

I have dealt with his friends berating me, threatening me, insulting me after what he did. He told his friends about what happened, and none of them thought it was rape. They called me a liar, a whore, attention seeking, overdramatic. I never even said his name when I talked about it. But somehow they all knew exactly who I was talking about. That isn’t a coincidence. I don't go out to the bars or anywhere that I know he hangs out and I am preparing to move as far away as I can possibly get so I can get a fresh start with no connections to that person.

I have also made some wonderful friendships and have formed bonds with so many wonderful people that I have told my story to that believed me and had my back on it. I have made friends with people I never thought I would be close with, and I have had people fight for me and stand up for me when I’m not able to do so for myself.

What are you doing now to move along?

I write a lot and I work out a lot. Exercising helps me get out any negative feelings I have and take it out in a good way that doesn’t hurt me or anyone else. I found someone who is very gentle with me and is very cautious about making sure I give clear and complete consent multiple times before ever doing anything with me.

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I write about my experience through poems and stories.

That helps me put all my thoughts and emotions that I didn’t know how to express onto paper. I also talk to other survivors about their experiences and it helps me realize I’m not alone, and how many other people have been in the exact same situation as me. I have to live with what happened to me forever, but it doesn’t define me and it doesn’t control me.

How have the resources that are supposed to help failed you?

My sexual assault on MSU's campus was reported by myself and multiple mandatory reporters. Authority figures told me to stop spreading lies. They threatened to call the cops on me for making false accusations, and not on him for raping me. They [that official] survivor group and MSU were supposed to contact me, and it has been 2 years. I don't trust the system and I probably never will again.

When he slashed my tires after I told my friends about what happened, authority figures said that I can’t keep accusing the same person of crimes until one finally sticks. They made me lose faith in people who are supposed to help. I felt like no one would ever believe me, and that this wasn’t a fight to be won, just one not to be lost. They talked a big game about being helpful and [have] left me and my mental health in the dust.

THE DANGEROUS EROTICIZATION OF POC

BY HANNAH RAMIREZ If you’re at all familiar with dating culture, or have ever ventured on the internet once, you’ve probably heard statements like this before: “Black women have the best bodies.” “I love Latinas— they’re so feisty.” “Asian women are so cute and submissive.”

While people may make these comments with good intentions in mind, many women of color are extremely uncomfortable when we hear stuff like this. It doesn’t make us feel special, but rather the opposite. It makes us feel like we are tokens in a person’s dating history, or even worse, fulfilling a weird racial fantasy for them, rather than being seen and valued as an individual person.

On a larger scale, these words contribute to the dangerous eroticization of people of color. They reflect an entitlement white people feel over POC land, cultures, and most importantly, our bodies. This trend dates back to the times of colonialism and continues today through modern imperialism and systemic racism which exclude us from equal representation.

Sentiments like this also rely heavily on stereotypes.

One such example is that women of color are somehow more promiscuous. These ideas create dangerous environments for women and also lead to victim blaming. They also tend to imply minority cultures are a monolith of identities, appearances, and/or personalities instead of celebrating our individual diversity.

The eroticization of POC is especially dangerous for minors. Many teenagers (or even younger kids) of color will experience a perceived maturity beyond their real age. This bias is discussed often in a legal context, for example, trying black teenagers as adults in order to give them maximum sentencing.

But this also affects young girls in regard to sexuality.

Many women of color face eroticization before they are adults, and as a result, feel their childhoods exploited by those with more power in society.

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If you are someone who prefers a particular racial group, you should firstly analyze what drives this admiration, and be sure that you are not relying on stereotypes or TV tropes to fetishize minorities.

Remember that all people of color are unique, and you can’t make assumptions about a person based on their race alone.

Avoid racialized compliments. Even if your intentions are good, these comments make POC feel fetishized and uncomfortable, and they promote all the painful stereotypes discussed above. Instead, focus on the individual features of your friends and partners which make them unique, beautiful, and interesting.

It is true that sexual assault can happen to anyone, anywhere, at any time, no matter who you are or what you are wearing. But on college campuses, it’s important to acknowledge that this issue disproportionately affects students of color.

Unsurprisingly, new studies have shown that more inclusive campuses have lower levels of assault. By fighting against the dangerous eroticization of people of color, we can create a less threatening environment for ourselves and our peers.

So, how can you be a good ally?

Be respectful of the people you admire. I should clarify that there is nothing wrong with having romantic or sexual preferences for certain people over others. In the same way someone might be more attracted to curvier people or slimmer people, and that alone doesn’t make them a shallow person.

However, there is certainly a way that these preferences can turn toxic, especially in online spaces where everyone feels entitled to share their opinions on other people’s appearances.

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Check your own internal biases. You may have never personally expressed eroticized sentiments like the ones listed above. But because of the environments you grew up in and the media you’ve consumed, it's likely you may have a warped perception of POC. We live in a systemically racist and sexist world, and no one is free from the influences of this culture. Acknowledge the way this system benefits white folks and hurts POC, and challenge any deep, subconscious beliefs which continue to hurt us.

Have open, productive conversations with your friends and family members. If you notice your white friends talk about POC in a toxic way, explain to them the harmful effects of their words. Promote social norms which empower, protect, and uplift nonwhite people. Create environments which discourage predatory behavior, and support your friends who have experienced sexual assault with patience and understanding.

MSU OIE

HOW MSU RESPONDS TO VIOLENCE, HARASSMENT, AND DISCRIMINATION

By Saanya Advani & Miranda Dunlap

MSU’s Office of Institutional Equality is in the Office of Civil Rights. We had the pleasure of speaking with Karen Holt, Deb Martinez and Nicole Schmidtke — all members of the OIE, about how MSU’s process works.

First and foremost, it must be noted that MSU’s Anti Discrimination Policy prohibits discrimination based on protected categories like age, gender, height, weight, race and sexual orientation.

Along with this, it prohibits retaliation and retaliatory harassment.

At first, MSU’s team for handling violence and discrimination was composed of about eight people — to handle an institution that has about 50,000 students. Now, many units have been built, and the team is around sixty people. Still, sixty to 50,000 is a shocking ratio.

Students who wish to report discrimination may call the OIE, email them or submit an online form that can be located on OIE’s website. The office is closed due to COVID-19 and is not currently accepting walk-in reports.

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MSU's Investigative Process From start to finish, MSU’s process for handling a report begins when a report is filed by phone, email or online.

Then there is an initial assessment, investigation, written report and ultimately, a decision is made. An appeals process is also available after the final decision.

Supportive Measures: The OIE works with students who have been impacted by relationship violence and/or sexual misconduct as well as discrimination in order to support them during and after an investigation has been conducted.

Throughout the entirety of this process, Campus Equity Navigation supports the parties going through it.

How MSU policy differs from state law

It is important to note that the Relationship Conduct and Sexual Misconduct and Title IX Policy applies to students, faculty, and staff as well as third parties who visit the campus. This means that both the person reporting and the person who is being investigated are not limited to students.

Once OIE receives a report, the staff investigates the report and conducts a hearing with those involved in the report. This hearing is unlike a trial because OIE is dedicated to taking a trauma-centered approach. There are no back-and-forth questions between those involved, and those who come forward are supported throughout the process. At the same time, due process requires that when a complaint is submitted to the office, the person mentioned in the complaint is given notice of the investigation.

There are four types of actions taken for prevention and safety: Administration Removal: A report is made about an employee and the risk requires that the employee is removed from employment.

Emergency Removal: A report is made about a student, and the risk requires removing the student from campus.

Interim Measures or Employment Actions: Safety measures to make sure the conduct is prevented while an investigation is ongoing.

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MSU’s definition of stalking differs from Michigan law.

MSU’s definition is a bit broader.

In addition, Michigan law gives no real definition of consent. MSU defines it as “the voluntary, willful and unambiguous agreement to engage in a specific sexual activity during a sexual encounter.” There are 317 words in total, highlighting exactly what consent is and isn’t. For example, MSU makes it clear that consent can be withdrawn at any time for any reason.

It cannot be obtained by coercing a partner by any means, it cannot be given by anyone who is incapitated or unable to make rational judgements and it can never be inferred for any number of reasons.

There are certain challenges that come with university investigations. One such challenge is the inability of the university to compel people to participate in the investigation process. Unlike a regular trial, no one is required to come forward with information. This is certainly a limitation, but the university is not in the position to act as a criminal or civil court.

Q&A Students were given the opportunity to ask the panelists questions about MSU’s response to RVSM and discrimination.

Q: What would you say to someone who thinks that MSU students are unsupported?

A: “People build opinions off their own experiences. If someone has had the experience of being unsupported, then it is not their job as a student to go out and seek that support. It is the university, the people who work here, it is their responsibility to make sure that available support is widespread, that we need to do a better job.

We have really started to put in place and get a wonderful framework together of support for students.

There are still things that are desperately needed that we’re pushing for and that COVID did not help...but we’ve devoted in the past few years a lot of resources to RVSM and Title IX support...We need financial support from the university, we need to get units in place so that we’re educating our community on these things. I would say if someone feels that way, it’s validated, but I would say we’re working on improving it. There are good people at this university who are working everyday to try to make sure that students are aware of the support they have out there. Maybe we need to do a better job of broadcasting so people don’t have to wonder how to get support in a safe place.”

Q: What exactly does support from MSU look like, and how long does this support last?

A: “For RVSM and Title IX policy, it’s as long as you need it. Even if you don’t want to go through a formal investigation…you still get support from the Campus Equity Team, you can still use Center for Survivors...you can still get help with classes, academic concerns, work concerns; you still are entitled to all that support even if you don’t go through that investigation for as long as you need it.”

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Q: What steps are being taken to prevent these incidents from even occurring in the first place?

A: “As part of the major academic unit, the OCR, that was created in 2018, added a completely new Prevention, Outreach, and Education wing to the unit.

So, prior to 2018, there was no specific unit dealing with prevention and education within OIE. In fact, OIE investigators were the ones doing those training. They are currently doing virtual training and workshops for students and employees. There is mandatory training for incoming students, there is also a mandated training for second-year students. There is mandated training for employees on the RVSM side. Last year, the President also decided that there was going to be bias training [not within POE]. This was the first year that was rolled out.”

I will never understand why it is more shameful to be raped than to be a rapist.

SARA ERDMANN

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THIS SEXUAL ASSAULT AWARENESS MONTH, INCLUDE SEX WORKERS IN YOUR CONVERSATION

BY SHRUTI ELANGO Sexual Assault is a pervasive problem across the world.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness month and finally we are witnessing society starting to take this topic seriously.

The #MeToo movement has shed light on a long history of sexual violence that has been swept under the carpet for too long, and it has shown us that sexual harassment is more widespread than many realized. Over the last few years, social media activism and the fight against sexual assault has been spreading rapidly. However, the experiences of sex workers are often left out of the conversation.

The definition of rape and sexual assault varies widely within legal, cultural, and societal contexts, and thus the consensus on the meaning of what constitutes as rape or sexual assault has always been limited and difficult to narrow down on.

Some people focus on the ontology of consent. Is consent a state of mind or an action? Sexual coercion through language is often ignored as a factor in a breach of sexual consent (Kelly & Radford, 1998).

There are nuances of consent, and some heterosexual men are trained to ignore them. Let’s try to simplify it: if there is doubt about the other person’s consent, stop. If the other person is finding it difficult voicing a No, improve your emotional intelligence and learn to pick up body language that indicates a No. And this applies to sex workers as well.

Reports of widespread violence against sex workers are continually emerging globally, and yet this is often overlooked in international agendas to prevent violence. Some people explain this extreme form of violence against sex workers by the fact that they “deserve” it because they degrade their body while selling sexual services. Well, consensual sexual services.

Sex work is a very maligned form of labor and is often misinterpreted and speculated. Sex work is essentially work, and the amount of degradation and stigma associated with it must be removed. Criminalization of sex work promotes the culture of victimblaming and slut-shaming.

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Sex workers are often not taken seriously by legal authorities like the police, judges, and juries.

Violence against sex workers is often perceived by these authorities as something survivors somehow brought upon themselves because of their sexually deviant industry they work in. This is extremely problematic. Even worse, they are especially vulnerable to police abuse. This is particularly true for sex workers who are women of color, especially transgender women, and gender non-conforming.

The police hold racialized and gendered stereotypes to sexualize these individuals and treat them as always sexually available. According to INCITE!, “up to 17% of sex workers interviewed reported sexual harassment and abuse, including rape, by police.” There is a long way to go in terms of police and the public attitudes towards women who sell sex and the violence they face, but we must start somewhere.

It increases stigma and in turn violence against sex workers and causes them to be ineligible for rape victim compensation funds or other reduced amounts. Under circumstances where sex work is accepted and regulated in society, women and other individuals who choose to engage in it are safer. Sex workers, like most workers, can have mixed feeling about their work, and many women may enjoy the work that allows them to express their sexuality creatively. Others may not enjoy it as much. If they are given the right to choose their clients and to stop sex at any point in which they feel unsafe or uncomfortable, I do not believe it is inherently degrading or harmful to women. However, criminalization and stigma make it circumstantially harmful. *I do want to point out here that sex work and sex trafficking are not the same and conflating the two can be harmful. Sex work entails willingness in consensual sex, while sex trafficking involves force, coercion, and threat. It is important to recognize that not all sex workers are forced into sex work. An individual can consciously decide to engage in sex work. Sex trafficking, however, must be eliminated.

No one ever “deserves” to be sexually assaulted.

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Sex workers have been excluded from many discussions of sexual assault for a long time. Let’s not dismiss them this Sexual Assault Awareness month – they deserve attention. We need to advance legal representation of sex workers. We need to decriminalize sex work. We need to break the stigma. We need to hold people accountable.

We need more people to care. This is a Humans Rights issue.

Sexual Assault resources: https://www.rainn.org/national-resources-sexualassault-survivors-and-their-loved-ones https://victimconnect.org/learn/types-ofcrime/sexual-assault/

SEXUAL ACCOUNTS BY SURVIVORS

By Jillian Burger

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Not me. Not me. Not me. It’s a chant that all women know well. Those two words you pray when you step into the car of a guy you’re meeting for the first time. The words that run through your mind when you’re walking home alone at night and the street lamps are dim or the person a few feet back gets closer to you. They’re the reason you fight back, because you don’t want to be another statistic. You don’t want someone to call you a liar, discount you, or make you feel like you are less than. But these next few stories are the ones of the people who couldn’t. If you are triggered by sexual assault please click off of this article. *All Names and Places have been changed for victim safety*

Account 1: Andrea It was late. Andrea was doing her homework like she always did in her dorm room on Friday nights since she and her friends usually went out on Saturdays. She had sent a text to her boyfriend a few hours earlier since he had canceled their plans and was letting some random YouTube videos play out in the background. Everything seemed normal.

Everything was normal.

Her phone buzzed on the counter—he changed his plans and was on his way over. Nothing too strange. Sometimes his soccer club canceled their practice and her boyfriend would randomly show up.

She hadn’t seen him in a few days so she was excited and she rushed around her room trying to look like she hadn’t just been laying across the futon eating chips and typing up one of her essays. It took maybe 15 minutes and then he was there.

“Let’s just watch a movie.” He had told her, but she didn’t want to. Her friends had been dying to meet him and she knew a few of the girls were holding a STEM study session they could drop in on, but he refused again. He was tired. He would leave if she tried to make him, so she stopped. She was just happy to be in his presence and started some stupid movie.

Ten Minutes. That’s how far they got into the movie before he began to make a move on her, and she just brushed him off. She didn’t want to sleep together tonight. She was a little upset and she just wanted to hang out. He tried again. His hand reaching across her body and she glared, slapping his hand away and muttering “Stop.” She didn’t want to, but he didn’t care.

So he forced his hand over her mouth and forced her down on the couch. She struggled and tried to get him off, but he was stronger than her and larger than her. He forced her pants down and went into every place he could with no protection. She trusted him. He was her boyfriend.

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Account 2: Darren He was sitting alone in his room playing on some gaming console, a game he can no longer remember, on something he can no longer stand to look at. It wasn’t a multiplayer game, he remembers that, but he was having fun avoiding his homework like everyone else his age did. He was only a few months into 4th grade.

She was his mom’s best friend. He had grown up with her and didn't really think anything of the woman he called his aunt. She had been there for his birth, his kindergarten graduation, and even took on a bigger role in his life when his parents divorced and his mom needed someone to drop him off at school a few days a week. She was there for everything.

It was one of the nights he was avoiding his homework by playing on those stupid games.

Maybe if he had been older. Maybe if he had been a girl. Maybe if he had known better. There are a lot of maybes, but the result is still the same. She walked into his room and put her hands on him. She told him he was perfect. She told him she loved him.

She told him this was normal. She told him it as their little secret.

No one believed the 10 year old boy who told them his auntie had forced him to sleep with her.

His family told him he was lying. Last month when she died, after years of abuse, he stayed silent and just accepted his fate. No one believes a little kid anyway.

Account 3:Natalie She was helpful. Her boyfriend was away and her big apartment was filled with the sounds of her typing away on her next book. She was a published author, lending her time to help other people edit their books for a small fee, while doing her last few undergraduate classes from the comfort of her living room. Getting a call from her boyfriend’s cousin was abnormal, but he said he wanted help editing a book he was writing and was willing to pay her, so she agreed.

When he walked in something seemed off. He was sort of touchy with her and she mentioned that it was making her uncomfortable, but she brushed it off. It was her boyfriend’s cousin. There is no way he would ever do anything to his cousin’s girlfriend of over three years.

Things started off okay when she opened the book and began to help him out. However, it wasn’t long before he started making moves on her. No. No. No. She had a boyfriend. She was in a happy relationship. She didn’t want this. She pushed him back. No. No. No. It was her mantra. No matter how many touches or moves or attempts he made she kept saying no. No. No. But saying no wasn’t enough. Dating his cousin wasn’t enough. Having a girlfriend of his own was not enough.

“You’re so pretty.” “Tell me you like it.” But she didn’t like it. She didn’t like when he forced his hands inside of her. She screamed and pushed him away. She didn’t like it when he forcefully grabbed her and forced her onto the bed so he could make his way on top of her. No. No. No. She chanted it.

She yelled it. She pushed. She shoved.

“I’m a fighter! I didn’t give in. I tried my best to get away, but I couldn’t.” She fought back. She fought hard. She had a boyfriend. She loved her boyfriend.

This was his cousin and she never showed him an inkling of attention. She wasn’t going to give up.

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She couldn’t give up. But sometimes you can’t fight anymore. She was struggling and he didn’t care. He never cared about anything. He just wanted to assault her. It was “their secret,” but she didn’t want this. Fighters aren’t supposed to be attacked. Good people aren’t supposed to be victims and who would believe that her boyfriend’s cousin assaulted her because he wanted a girl just like her?

*All Names and Places have been changed for victim safety* Anyone can be a victim. The girl you used to hang out with on the playground. The boy who didn’t seem to make friends with anyone except the teachers in high school. Anyone. It’s not always the stranger walking ten paces behind you on your way back at night that will become the living nightmare you remember whenever you close your eyes or get too close to a certain place. Although they may say it. Although they may convince you that you wanted it, you enjoyed it, you felt something for them. It is all a lie. You were a victim. You are a victim.

Whether it happens when you were little or as an adult. It may take you a long time to report it or to get past it, but never be afraid to tell your truth. You have a story. Let it be heard.

If you or a loved one has been sexually assaulted you can visit MSU’s center for survivors at https://centerforsurvivors.msu.edu, other resources from Michigan health department at https://www.michigan.gov/VOICES4 or the Michigan Hotline at 855-864-2374. You are never alone. We are in this together.

truth does not change based on our ability to stomach it.

FLANNERY O'CONNOR 55

NOT ALL MEN: THE STORY OF MALE SEXUAL ASSAULT

BY JILLIAN BURGER Everyone has heard the phrase “not all men.” Many men use it as a weapon against women to say that not every man commits sexual assault or abuse and these women should let down their walls, but they are technically correct. Women are not the only ones facing the abuse and long-lasting effects from the trauma of their experiences. When it comes to sexual assault and abuse, women are more likely to come forward with their experience than men are. In fact, the statistic of 1 in 6 men is a very low estimate of who has experienced sexual assault and abuse. Throughout this article we are going to explore the statistics behind this number.

What is the context of sexual assault and abuse for this article?

According to the organization 1 in 6, “Researchers use “sexual abuse” to describe experiences in which children are subjected to unwanted sexual contact involving force, threats, or a large age difference between the child and the other person (which involves a big power differential and exploitation).” To truly get a grasp on why male statistics are so low we will be using some of the research that uses this specific definition.

What are the statistics?

A 2005 study conducted by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control, on San Diego Kaiser Permanente HMO members, reported that 16% of males were sexually abused by the age of 18.

For male victims, more than half (52.4%) reported being raped by an acquaintance and 15.1% by a stranger.

More than one-quarter of male victims of completed rape (27.8%) experienced their first rape when they were 10 years of age or younger.

1 in 10 men (9.6% or an estimated 10.6 million men) experienced sexual coercion.

Why are male statistics underestimates?

A large reason that the number of male victims is so underestimated is because many men who have faced sexual assault and abuse, even men with this abuse documented, do not consider themselves to have been assaulted. In our current society, we see this brushing off of sexual assault in the media a lot when it comes to young male vctims with older female abusers. The Teacher/Student relationship is extremely traumatic for young people due to things like the power dynamic, but society treats them differently. A male teacher and a young female student will face more backlash and harsher

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Where can I find more information?

You can find more information on all sexual assault victims and just male victims here: 1 in 6 https://1in6.org/get-information/the-1-in-6-statistic/ National Sexual Violence Resources Center https://www.nsvrc.org/statistics RAINN https://www.rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexualviolence Now NYC https://nownyc.org/issues/get-the-facts-take-rapeseriously/ than a female teacher and a male student, even though the abuse and power dynamic are the same.

What happens to victims?

Many victims face long-lasting effects depending on how severe and how long their abuse went on. While these effects are not things that happen to just men it is still important to note that they occur. According to Rainn, these are just some of the long-lasting effects from the severe trauma: 70% of victims experience moderate to severe stress.

Victims are very likely to use drugs (such as being 3.4 times more likely to use marijuana than the general public).

38% of victims experience work or school problems.

84% of survivors who were victimized by an intimate partner experience professional or emotional issues.

37% experience family/friend problems, including getting into arguments more frequently than before, not feeling able to trust their family/friends, or not feeling as close to them as before the crime.

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CDC https://www.cdc.gov/injury/features/sexualviolence/index.html If you or a loved one has been sexually assaulted you can visit MSU’s center for survivors at https://centerforsurvivors.msu.edu, other resources from Michigan health department at https://www.michigan.gov/VOICES4 or the Michigan Hotline at 855-864-2374. You are never alone. We are in this together.

AN INTERVIEW WITH MSU'S SEXUAL ASSAULT CRISIS INTERVENTION EXECUTIVE BOARD

By Ananya Varre

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I had the pleasure of interviewing MSU’s SACI E-Board this past month, and it is extremely important that we bring to light the work that this wonderful team does. I sat down with the E-Board to ask them about their experience on SACI. What does SACI do? What kinds of resources do you have for students? How can students join? Why did you guys join SACI? What’s your role?

What does SACI do?

“Mainly our role on campus is to volunteer on the crisis hotline, the chatline, and as medical advocates for the center for survivors. In that role, we provide support to survivors during many types of crisis or a medical examination,” says Katie Paulot, the president of MSU SACI. “As volunteers for SACI, we also connect survivors to resources at MSU and in the local community because people who call the hotline might not be students at MSU,” adds Anusha Mamidipaka, the community outreach chair for SACI.

Katie reminds everyone that you don’t have to be an MSU student to volunteer with SACI. “To be part of the student organization or to be in a leadership role, you have to be a student. But the community can volunteer.”

How can students get involved in SACI? As Katie explains, “The best way to get involved is usually to contact Katie, our advisor. We have training in the spring, the summer, and the fall. To join SACI, you have to go through 40 hours of training.”

Kaila Pruit, SACI’s secretary, also shares her experience.

“I joined my freshman year. I’m from out of state, so when I first came to Michigan, I didn’t really know that much about SACI. I used to volunteer at the MSU Museum, and the center for survivors had a gallery. I would walk through it every time I volunteered, and it was really eye-opening.”

“I joined my sophomore year, and one of the reasons why I joined SACI was because I felt like it was very different from other volunteer organizations that you can get involved in. I feel like a lot of volunteering is where you’re Kathryn (Katie) Naber is the faculty advisor for MSU SACI raising money for something or it’s just indirect and is also an employee for the center for survivors. She is involvement. I really appreciated how hands-on SACI was, in charge of volunteering training as the volunteer how you’re actively directly working with people who are coordinator. If you are interested in volunteering, please affected by sexual violence. I felt like I was really making contact her at naberkat@msu.edu. more of a difference. It was an opportunity to do more than what a lot of other organizations offer. And as a Why did you all [the E-Board] join SACI? survivor of sexual violence myself, it is a cause that is very Anusha explains, “I joined SACI soon after the Larry Nassar personal and very important to me. Being able to be incident where many survivors came out at MSU. I wanted to involved in something on the advocacy end of that has play a part in changing the campus culture. I joined SACI been really fantastic for me.” Kiersten Walsworth adds on. very early on in my college career and thought it was an amazing community for survivors. That’s why I’ve continued “Just like everyone else said too, I feel like my answer to volunteer for three years.” encompasses everyone’s here as well,” Priyanka Bhoopathi, SACI treasurer, explains. “I heard about SACI “My reasons were somewhat similar to Anusha’s,” Katie from a friend who used to volunteer, and I didn’t even says. “I really wanted to find a way to support the community know the services that SACI had and how much they do. I and support survivors my freshman year of college. I came really wanted to be a volunteer to raise awareness of how in knowing [that I wanted to]. At my orientation, I found the much SACI offers and how many resources the center for people who were volunteering for SACI. It’s been a great survivors has for people that don’t know about it.” community. I’ve also grown my leadership skills and my public speaking skills, among so many other things, Kiersten later mentions that she “directly knew at least five alongside people who are like-minded and care about similar women involved in the Nassar case.” She explains how it issues that I care about.” adds this new personal dynamic to it. “I’ve always been involved at Michigan State University, and there are some “I’ll just share that I joined SACI in the summer of 2019, so serious culture problems. Being able to volunteer with a between my sophomore and junior year. I wanted to join, I’m group that is doing so much work to make it a safer and pretty sure it was a couple of years after the Nassar incident; more accepting place on campus was something that was but also I felt like for people that I know who came to me for also very important to me. Growing up around here has emotional support, I wanted to improve myself and be a definitely influenced me as well.” better person who they could come to and offer support,” adds Roman Grossi, SACI’s political outreach chair.

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Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences.

Thank you also so much for the important work that you’re doing to better our community. What else about SACI would you like readers to know about?

Anusha provides me with a very thorough answer. “It would be good if we could highlight the specific resources that the center for survivors offers. It offers individual therapy, group therapy, and other groups such as healing through yoga.

Also, the sexual assault healthcare center is a new resource where survivors can seek medical support after a sexual assault in the student services building. People can receive a rape kit, which is where evidence can be collected up to five days after the assault. They also can receive general support and be connected to community resources and MSU resources. It’s just a very good place to seek help after a sexual assault.”

“I also know that the sexual assault program we have on campus is—well, there’s no other program like that on a college campus in the entire country. We’re the only university that has a university-specific resource like that.”

Kiersten adds. “The sexual assault program can be utilized by anyone as well, not just students. It’s a community resource.”

“I also want to highlight that our resources are free and confidential for students,” says Katie. “Some of our services like our hotline and chatline can be used by anyone in the community. People get worried about asking us questions about the hotline, like when they can use it. Even if you have questions about resources, we’re there to answer your questions. Don’t hesitate to use our resources!”

I would like to thank the SACI E-Board for taking the time to meet with me and answer my questions! They do so much incredible work for the community and deserve so much more recognition for the work that they do. If you are interested in getting involved or learning more about SACI, please visit https://centerforsurvivors.msu.edu.

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We live in a society that teaches DON'T GET RAPED instead of DON'T RAPE. ANONYMOUS

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THE MSU TRUSTEES MAY NOT BE GUILTY, BUT THEY ARE COMPLICIT

By Lily Guiney

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For several years, Michigan State University administration has been under state-wide and national scrutiny concerning the case of Larry Nassar, who sexually abused hundreds of young girls during his time as a gymnastics doctor. Nassar, who received his medical degree from MSU, later came back to work for the university in the late 1990s as a team physician and assistant professor, a position which he held until his firing in 2016.

Per the Lansing State Journal, his connections to university administration pop up every few years in the timeline of his career: in 1998 and 2000, student athletes reported Nassar’s abuse to MSU, but the university failed to take action. In 2014, following another report of abuse from an MSU student, an investigation was conducted and the university cleared Nassar of any wrongdoing, a position which administration later recanted. In the wake of the explosive article published by the Indianapolis Star in which two women, one of whom is an Olympic gold medalist, publicly accused Nassar of sexual abuse, the State of Michigan took over the case, which has seen the stewardship of two attorneys general over the past five years. Following Nassar’s sentencing, MSU paid $500 million in settlements to his victims to resolve several outstanding lawsuits.

The story of Larry Nassar’s crimes is deeply intertwined with Ingham County, its residents, and Michigan State. It has ousted university officials, caused rifts between citizens, and exposed fixtures of a community. Nassar’s established career began in conjunction between MSU and a local gym, and it saw its decisive end in the Ingram County Courthouse just a few miles off campus. In short, Larry Nassar’s timeline of abuse starts and ends in East Lansing, where a new MSU president and Board of Trustees have rifled through their predecessors’ paper trails and conducted an internal investigation in response to an ongoing inquiry from the Michigan Attorney General’s office.

Most recently, the Board has been asked by Michigan Attorney General Dana Nessel to release nearly 6,000 documents related to the Nassar case, and on March 26th, Board Chair Dianne Byrum released a statement to MSU students and faculty announcing the Board’s final decision not to hand over the remaining information to the state AG, citing attorney-client privilege. Attorney General Nessel expressed “incredible disappointment” at the decision, which provoked outrage from MSU students and those involved in Nassar’s case. In a public forum conducted over Zoom on April 16th, the Board of Trustees appeared to answer for their decision, drawing the ire of students, survivors, and community members alike. Several members made an effort to defend the Board’s decision, while two spoke out emotionally about their dissent.

Regardless of sentiment, the Board’s decision leaves the state government at a dead end in their investigation, and all legal options have been exhausted to provide full closure in the case of Larry Nassar. So why does this matter, when the criminal in question has been sentenced to likely die in prison?

The structures of power in American society, whether at the university level or the federal government level, have historically not been kind to people trying to report abuse or harassment. In the case of Larry Nassar, MSU had an opportunity to completely expunge its harmful wrongdoing by completely cooperating with the state investigation. In declining that opportunity and withholding documents from the Attorney General, the MSU trustees have effectively decided not to provide closure to survivors and accountability for former university officials. The Board

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has claimed in statements that it finds the documents to be inconclusive and unhelpful to the Attorney General’s investigation, but that shouldn’t stop them from handing the information over and allowing Nessel to evaluate them for herself.

In trying to figure out why the MSU Trustees would withhold this information from an investigation they claim to have been completely in support of, several questions arise. Are they worried about the university’s reputation?

Do they want to put an end to the string of inquiries on the case? Do they not understand the gravity of their position in this situation? A great number of MSU students have expressed that they would rather be affiliated with a school that gets some bad press for its past officials than one which withholds information about a serious issue for countless people. It’s difficult to look at the decision to withhold the remaining documents as anything other than an omission of truth on behalf of the university. While the Board of Trustees may not be covering up a smoking gun proving guilt, they are exhibiting complicity in the very systems which discourage survivors to report their experiences and which never provide them with justice.

MSU has made concrete advancements in recent years to improve its responses to issues like these, but without the final contribution from the trustees, it feels like the university is depending on the work and convictions of students and faculty to help save face without administration backing them up. It’s deeply unfortunate for all of the people who have advocated for change in power structures to help survivors to have to watch their university pull the plug on an investigation which could have provided final closure to victims of Larry Nassar at MSU. Nassar’s victims, over 500 of them, were denied validity by USA Gymnastics, by Michigan State, by the institutions they had placed trust in as athletes. The decision by the MSU Trustees to halt Michigan’s investigation into the case has proven that even at fault and in apology, there is a long way to go before these institutions fully actualize their promises to do better and protect victims of sexual abuse.

I can be changed by what happened to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it.

MAYA ANGELOU

You're not a victim for sharing your story. You are a survivor setting the world on fire with your truth. And you never know who needs your light, your warmth, and raging courage.

ALEX ELLE

EMILY'S VICTIM IMPACT STATEMENT

BY EMILY ALBARAN The evening of October 25, 2019 was the start to what seemed like an exciting night. I was not initially in the mood to go out, but I knew how nice it would be to see all my friends. So I quickly changed my mind.

These friends were the reason why I loved college. A big group of guys and girls whom I met during my Freshman year at Michigan State University. We hung out all the time. We went on spring break together. They took me skiing for the first time. We even did a secret santa gift exchange the year before. We were like a family.

That night, my friends and I went to a surprise birthday party and we all started drinking. It was just like any other college party: we were playing games, drinking white claws, passing around a fifth of vodka and reminiscing about our freshman year. We were dancing, taking shots and screaming on the top of our lungs in this small apartment. After a couple hours of partying, everything around me started to look blurry. Alcohol started to taste like water, and all my friends were drunk. We then all decided it would be a good idea to uber back to Hannah Lofts, the apartment complex where Max, Evan, Zac, and Tommy lived.

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I don’t remember the Uber ride back to Hannah Lofts. I briefly remember being at their apartment and the only thought on my mind was wanting to go to sleep. Max wasn’t home that weekend, so I decided his room was the perfect place to sleep. His room was on the second floor, so I walked up a flight of stairs and passed out in his room for about two hours. When I woke up, I made my way downstairs to order Jimmy Johns, hoping that it would make me feel better. After I gave my order to my friends, I immediately felt tired and sick again. I decided it was best to go back upstairs to take a nap.

If you don’t know what Hannah Lofts looks like, most apartments have three floors. The first floor has the kitchen and living space and the top two floors have a small hallway and two bedrooms.

The top two floors are identical.

I went back upstairs and walked into what I thought was Max’s room, but after looking a little closer, I realized it was Tommy’s room. It was dark, and Tommy was sleeping on his bed. I was drunk and unaware, and I did not realize I walked up another flight of stairs.

I was exhausted and didn’t think Tommy would mind if I stayed and slept on the other side of his bed. fter all, we had

shared the same bed before on several occasions. I then proceeded to get in the bed next to Tommy, not touching him, and passed out.

At this time in my life, I considered Tommy to be one of my closest friends, and we hung out all the time-- almost everyday.

We even had an Economics class together that semester which I was very happy about. After class, I would drive his red Chevy while he went to his second class because Michigan State is known for giving out parking tickets and he never wanted to pay the meter. We would study together, get food, laugh about our days, listen to the British rap songs our friends would roast him for, and do practically anything close friends would do. We met freshman year and I thought of him as the closest guy friend I had in my life. I confided in him and told him things I didn’t tell anyone else. I respected and trusted him.

Never, in my life, did I think he would be the reason why I am here today.

The following events are not pleasant. These events resulted in me going to Sparrow Hospital. I didn’t eat, I suffered from extreme paranoia, and I entered an intense state of depression and dissociation. Every time I

saw a red chevy, just like the one Tommy owned, I was overcome with fear. I had to go to court for a restraining order. I was mistreated by the University I attended, and some friends that I considered to be like family turned on me. I felt isolated. ~ Tommy, I remember waking up the first time after you raped me.

It was still dark outside, and I was naked. The shirt I had been wearing was nowhere to be found, and my leggings were lying on the floor. I was shocked, disoriented, and overwhelmed with a wave of emotions that I can’t even start to fully express in words. I remember being in excruciating pain and instantly wanting to throw up, and it wasn’t because of the alcohol I had the night before. I stumbled into your bathroom and puked for what felt like hours, with the taste of you still in my mouth. When I thought I could collect myself, I attempted to walk out of the bathroom. The next memory I have is waking up on the floor outside of your bathroom. I had lost consciousness and collapsed.

I was confused and scared, and I just wanted to go home. I couldn’t find my phone to call an uber so I tried waking you up so I could use your phone. You ignored me, told me I was bothering you, and proceeded to go back to sleep. I started to panic. I just wanted to go home.

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I convinced myself that going back to sleep would help, and that, when I woke up again, you would be more willing to help me. The second time I woke up, nothing had changed, except for that it was lighter outside. I proceeded to go to your bathroom, again, and vomit. This time, though, when I stood up, I looked at myself in the mirror. My lip was swollen and my neck covered in bruises. I was struck with horror and became terrified.

In a daze, I left your room. I was still confused on what happened, and I started looking to see if I could find any of my friends from the night before to help me. Thank God my roommate, Bella, was there. I walked down to the 2nd floor, and started to walk towards the first floor. When I entered the final flight of stairs, I stood at the top and just stared, lifelessly, at Bella, who was sitting on the opposite side of the room. My eyes were glazed over and I felt hollow.

She said hello to me, and all I did was stare back at her.

I started walking towards her, and it was then when she noticed the bruising. She immediately ushered me to the bathroom where she started to inspect my body. She asked if my breasts had bruising similar to my neck. I had no idea, so I lifted up the sweatshirt that I had haphazardly thrown on in a rush to get out of your room. It was then, in the fluorescent lighting of the bathroom, when I finally saw how bruised my breasts were.

Bella was shocked but I proceeded to deny that anything bad had happened. I tried to convince myself that I was overreacting

because I had never had sex before and thought that maybe what I remembered from that night was what sex was.

Tommy, by the time your roommates Zac and Evan woke up, I was embarrassed to show them the way I looked. They both expressed concern, but I continued to deny that anything bad had occurred. They helped me find my belongings, and Evan drove me and Bella back home.

The song, Fools, by Troye Sivan, was playing.

When I got home, I stayed quiet at first. It wasn’t until I was in the kitchen with my roommate, Carlie, when I started to cry and admit to what actually happened. “I told him to stop, and he didn’t.” I broke down in tears, tired of keeping it in, and everything from that night started to hit me.

There was a football game that day, and I decided to stay in and gather myself while my roommates went out. I was still very confused and in shock of what just happened. For some reason, I thought texting you to come over to talk would help me. I convinced myself that if I talked to you, everything would be fine and my distress would disappear.

When you came over to my house that morning, I remember the exact moment you came in.

You walked in through the front door and I was in the kitchen. My body reacted before I could. As fear quickly overcame my body, all I could do to even attempt to soothe myself was tell myself that I was overreacting. In hopes of

quelling the pit in my stomach, I told myself that you were my friend; that there was no reason for me to fear you; that you would never mean to hurt me.

You acted casually and immediately told me you didn’t remember anything. You didn’t even remember me being in your room. You didn’t remember? You looked at me straight in the eyes that night like I was nothing. I told you were hurting me and you didn’t stop. You forced me to do things against my will. You degraded me.

I then showed you all the bruises you left on me. You persisted in your denial; that you didn’t remember anything. I was confused and, in an effort to cling to normalcy and my sanity, I convinced myself that because you didn’t “remember” it must have just been an accident. Rape is not an accident.

One time during our conversation, we were standing outside my house and I was trying to hide my neck so my neighbors wouldn’t see. You noticed me trying to cover my neck and told me that “some girls like that stuff” in reference to all my bruising. I stayed quiet, trying to convince myself that everything was fine.

That entire morning, I was the one comforting you. I took the blame and reassured you that I was fine and that we were okay. I thought talking to you would make me feel better, but after you left, I didn’t feel better, I felt worse.

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A few days later when I was taken to Sparrow Hospital, I was filled with intense feelings of shame.

Even though it had been days, I was brought to the Emergency Room, where Nurses and Doctors expressed how upset they were with me because I refused to say your name. I was still in denial that a friend I respected and trusted could commit such a horrific act.

For hours, I was transferred to multiple parts of the hospital for different tests. Each time, I had to repeat what happened and witnessed faces of disappointment when I would not disclose your name. I could not bring myself to say your name even as various medical staff yelled at me and touched me. I couldn’t make myself realize that the person who did this to me was you.

After the emergency room, I was taken upstairs to the Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner. She was nice to me, but she was also disappointed I didn’t say your full name. I again had to repeat what I remembered from that horrific night, and then, she asked me questions; some I didn’t even have the words to really answer. Then, I put on my second hospital gown of the day and she started swabbing my body and taking pictures of all the bruises you left. I layed there in shock and denial, and feeling distant to the point where I don't remember much from that exam.

What I do remember, though, is the nurse crying as she photographed the damage you did to my body.

It wasn’t until about a month later, after receiving constant therapy, when I started to accept that it was indeed you that did this to me. That the friend I respected and trusted wasn’t my friend; he was a rapist. I then decided that reporting would be the best thing for me to do and decided to allow my advocate to set up an interview with a detective. Several people who initially stood by me, left the moment they realized the police were involved. One person even told me not to go to the police because he didn’t think it was severe enough. Was what I had endured not severe enough? What would be severe enough? Would killing me be severe enough? You strangled me so hard I had to go to the Emergency Room, was that not severe enough? Either way, even being alive, I felt dead.

For months, I cried and reached a point of depression I would never want anyone to reach. I was in the dark, not knowing what was going to happen. I was alone, and I isolated myself from society. I didn’t see my friends or family, and I fell very behind in school. Even when I tried socializing, I would end up screaming, crying, and just wanting to go back home.

Meanwhile, you did not know what was going on, and proceeded to attend class and party on the weekends.

I, on the other hand, was scared to even leave my house. The thought of seeing you again petrified me.

One time, my paranoia became so overwhelming, I convinced myself you were outside of my house.

None of my roommates were home and I instantly started

having one of the biggest panic attacks of my life. It was dark outside, the blinds were open, windows were unlocked, and I was convinced you were watching me. I genuinely believed that the car outside my house was yours. I remember hiding in the upstairs bathroom, sitting in the dark and crying, thinking of what to do. I didn’t know where my phone was so I stayed sitting on the bathroom floor, paranoid, helpless, and terrified. When I built up enough courage to leave the bathroom, I ran like a crazy person all over my house, shutting the blinds, turning off all the lights, locking all the doors, and locking all the windows, even the windows that no person could fit through. Every time I was close to a window or door, I thought you were waiting to grab me.

When I finally got to the last window in the kitchen, I sprinted downstairs to my bedroom. I locked my door and hid in my bed until one of my roommates came home to help me calm down.

My fear of you and what you might do to me was why I finally decided to get a Personal Protection Order, 26 days after that night. Living less than two miles away from you and attending the same University, I hoped it would make me feel safer. Needless to say, it didn’t.

Even when I gained enough courage to start walking on campus again, every time I saw a red chevy or even a guy wearing a baggy hoodie, I would hide and have a panic attack.

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Less than a week after getting my Personal Protection Order, I presented it to the Office of Institutional Equity at MSU on November 26th 2019. I spoke with my Institutional Equity investigator, Jazmin Adams, and asked what MSU could do with regard to my Personal Protection order. I hoped they would take me seriously and remove you from campus so they could ensure my safety. To remind you, out of the twelve acts you were prohibited from on my PPO, the fifth one stated that “Thomas Barnes is prohibited from interfering with the petitioner at the petitioner’s place of employment or education, or engaging in conduct that impairs the petitioner's employment or educational relationship or environment.” Despite this, the OIE pushed me aside. Jazmin Adams told me that there was nothing they could do, and that my Personal Protection order could only be used as evidence in the OIE investigation, and that it couldn’t be used to justify your immediate removal from the university. You and I were in the same economics class, and I refused to go because I didn’t want to see you. Due to the OIE’s utter incompetence, instead of removing you from my class, I was forced to drop the class and move to a different section.

When second semester started in January 2020, I again expressed how unsafe I felt to Jessica Packard, the Campus Equity Navigator at MSU. I had met with her previously, on numerous occasions to discuss various accommodations in my classes. The OIE continued to ignore my PPO and not remove you,

so I asked if they could give me your new schedule so at least I knew which parts of campus to avoid. They then said that was a violation of your privacy. You want to talk about violation of privacy? I ended up sending my schedule so they could tell me if you were in one of my classes or in the same building as me. They informed me that on Tuesdays and Thursdays, you would be in Akers hall one hour after my class ended. Every Tuesday and Thursday, I walked in fear with my head down.

It wasn’t until January 29, 2020, when I was able to meet with Robert Kent, the Interim Associate Vice President for the Office for Civil Rights and Title IX at MSU and Jessica Packard, who, like I previously mentioned, had knowledge of my Personal Protection order. Even though I told the OIE about my Personal Protection Order multiple times, I decided that this time, it was going to be different. I wouldn’t let them push me to the side and ignore me. They were going to listen.

This time, I yelled. I screamed.

They didn’t listen to me when I spoke nicely, so, there I was, in front of Robert Kent and Jessica Packard, screaming, crying, and shaking. This was the moment when they started listening. I gave them a picture of my strangled neck, and asked them, “Is this the type of person you want on your campus?!” They looked at me, faces white, and I continued to advocate for myself. All I wanted was for my college to care about my safety instead of yours, but I was always pushed to the side. I lectured them about the

terrible mistreatment I received from them and how they had continued to not care, ignore me, prioritize you, and put me in danger by violating my PPO and allowing you to continue to attend my University.

I had a PPO for a reason, and Mr. Kent and Ms. Packard should have, and were obligated to have taken it seriously the first time I gave it to them. Instead, there I was, three months after initially giving it to them, and only then were they finally listening to me.

They informed me that they would have a decision on my request for your disciplinary suspension by the end of the week. Within two days, you finally received an Interim Disciplinary Suspension from MSU. You finally were removed from my campus. I finally felt heard.

Before you were suspended, in one of your emails to the OIE, you said you felt like you woke up in a nightmare. A nightmare? Then I must have woken up in another universe. You then continued to say how you felt immense guilt and shame. If you truly felt those things, you would have come clean and admitted your transgressions against me. If you truly felt guilt and shame, you wouldn’t have dragged me through this terrible process that forces me to relive that night over and over again.

In the following email you wrote to the OIE, after your suspension, you changed your entire story.

You blamed me for your actions and claimed that I was in the wrong and that I was the one who raped you. Let me remind you.

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You were the one that hurt me, slapped me, bit me, bruised me, strangled me, spit on me, and entered me nonconsensually.

I woke up with your handprint on my neck. I couldn’t move my neck for days. I gratefully cried the day I was finally able to move my neck again. You left bruises and bite marks all over my body. I could even see the outline of your teeth from when you bit my arms and legs. Some marks stayed for more than a month.

It wasn’t until I showered and looked at myself naked in the mirror the morning after when I noticed all the marks you left behind. My breasts were black, my upper lip was swollen, my neck was red and purple, and my arms and legs were covered with purple and black bruises.

According to the SANE exam taken four days after that night, there were at least seventeen bruises that were identified. If we look at the facts, I know, by “modern” definitions, this was rape. ~ Tommy, my life has changed.

Every aspect of my life is different because of you. I no longer trust people the same. There was a part of me that believed that every man I met had malicious intentions. It took me time to not look at the men in my family this way. I had to train my brain to believe that not all men are like you.

I had to relearn how to socialize. People had always told me that I had a bubbly personality, but for the first time in my life, it was difficult for me to connect with .

others. Even when I would hang out with my friends, I would zone out, not caring what was going on around me. All I could focus on was you and what you did to me.

You made me feel like I was crazy.

I no longer understood myself. I questioned my sanity. I was in a constant state of dissociation.

For the past year and half, I’ve flinched every time I’ve seen a red chevy. When I go back home to Clarkston, everytime I drive through Rochester, I am brought back to that mindset-- that mindset of paranoia where I think you are out to get me. I lock my car doors and drive cautiously in hope I don’t run into you.

You even ruined my own college for me. I can’t walk on campus without being reminded of the terrible events that happened.

There was even a period of time I considered transferring.

After you raped me, for months, my eyes were puffy. There wasn’t a day that I didn’t cry for hours.

Especially when the COVID-19 pandemic hit, I was living in East Lansing alone. For weeks, I would stay in bed and cry. I barely ate. I didn’t leave my bed, but I couldn’t even sleep peacefully. I had nightmares of you constantly. Even in my dreams, you wouldn’t leave me alone.

In the early months of the pandemic when I was living by myself, I had to re-teach myself that not every noise I heard at night, was you breaking in with the intention to hurt me.

I lost more than half of the friends I had once considered to be

to be family. Not only did I lose the person I thought you were, but I lost a lot of people I considered to be my friends. I finally was able to see their true colors, and even though they didn’t do what you did to me, their actions were unacceptable. They continued to stand by you and ignore the facts. They continued to ignore the fact that you raped me.

To those people that doubted me, disrespected me, and/or told me not to pursue my case, I ask you to do better. Not for my sake, but for you, and the women and people in your life. Just because you say rape is wrong doesn’t mean you are an ally to survivors of sexual violence. Be proactive.

When given an opportunity, don’t be quiet, speak up. You can say “rape is wrong.” But your words mean nothing if you don’t actually stand by them.

Tommy, you have no idea how hard I have worked to get to the point I am at today. Every day is different. Some days are better than others. Even a year and half later, I have panic attacks because of you. I haven’t slept well and I still cry frequently. The only difference is, now, I’m just better at dealing with it.

Several people have told me the best way to move on is to forgive.

But these people haven’t experienced what you put me through. Maybe one day, during my healing process, I will get to the point of forgiveness, but I will never forget the night when you decided to violently change my life forever.

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Tommy, for a moment in my life, I even started calling you Thomas in an effort to differentiate between my friend and the person who raped me.

Now, I know better. It was you, Tommy. You are not my friend.

You are a rapist, and you are a registered sex offender.

I will deal with this for the rest of my life. I have been forced to endure and survive because of your choices. We are here because of your choices. You are going to jail not because of my choices, but for your choices.

If anyone here is the lucky one, it is you, beecause we should have been here a year ago. You got more freedom than you deserved due to both the COVID-19 pandemic and your criminal lawyer who defended you, a rapist. Ms. Silver, I am greatly disappointed by your actions. Yes, everyone deserves the right to an attorney, but as a woman, it pains me to think that another woman could ever defend a rapist. Rape is not just a women’s issue but it greatly affects women in general.

If you have any women in your life, Ms. Silver-- daughters, sisters, or even nieces-- I pray they would never have to endure a defense lawyer like you, berating them on the stand, questioning their sanity.

Tommy, you took away a part of me that I will never get back. Even though it pains me that your choices have had such a profound effect on my life, I work tirelessly to regain my power and autonomy.

The fact that I am alive and at this court proceeding today, in front of you, telling my story, is evidence for how hard I’ve worked and how much I’ve grown in regaining control over my life.

After 495 days, you are finally receiving the consequences you deserve, and I am finally free, and free of you.

SEXUAL ASSAULT RESOURCES

By Bhavya Thotakura

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Sexual assault is a very sensitive topic and sometimes its understanding can be vague; hence, not many are able to tell if they’ve actually experienced it or not.

The U.S. Department of Health & Human Resources’ Office of Women’s Health explains it as ANY type of sexual activity or contact that is nonconsensual. Victims often are unaware of where to start on their way to recovery due to the trauma or simply fear. Here are some resources and steps if you are a victim. Even if you are not a victim, these are important resources that can be shared and used to foster prevention.

1. Seek Confidential or Medical Help While being a victim of sexual assault can lead to feelings of fear, guilt, worry, shame, trauma, and shock, it is so important to reach out for help!

Recognize that there are programs there to help you. Immediately call 911 if you ever are in danger or need medical attention. Do not hesitate! You are important and deserve to be prioritized.

Additionally, a lot of hotlines are confidential and will not disclose any of your information for your comfort.

National Sexual Assault Hotline, 800-656HOPE (4673), free and confidential National Domestic Violence Hotline, 800-799SAFE (7233), free and confidential National Helpline for Male Survivors, Online chat National Street Harassment Hotline, 855-8975910, Online chat DoD Safe Helpline (for members of U.S. military and their families), 877-995-5247, Online chat (http://safehelpline.org/) Michigan Michigan Coalition To End Domestic & Sexual Violence, 866-238-1454, 24hr hotline, text, and chat line Michigan Michigan Coalition To End Domestic & Sexual Violence, 866-238-1454, 24hr hotline, text, and chat line Other U.S. States Use this link to find your states hotlines and programs https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-andsafety/get-help/state-resources

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2. Express how you are feeling Sometimes simply just writing out or talking about how you are feeling with people you trust can be helpful. You can even find other ways to express yourself in terms of art. Don’t bottle up your emotions and know everything you are feeling is VALID. Victims often tend to blame themselves and are in shock at what happened. A very important step is to clear out your mind and try to collect your thoughts. Try to draw something, talk to someone you trust, anonymously write a poem/article, or simply journal down your thoughts.

In fact, your bravery might just inspire someone in the same boat as you to come to speak up and seek help.

3. Try out a support group The sad truth is that many people have experienced sexual assault and anyone can.

Sometimes the biggest comfort can come from supporting each other and relating with each other about your individual experience on the journey to recovery. Joining a support group will make you feel less alone and can make you feel comfortable as people can relate to what you are feeling.

HAVEN, MI offers support groups for survivors, call 248-334-1274 to register for a group Sexual Assault support groups in Michigan (https://www.navigateresources.net/call/Match List.aspx? k;;0;;N;0;0;Sexual%20Assault/Incest%20Supp ort%20Groups) Sources: https://www.rainn.org/resources https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-andsafety/sexual-assault-and-rape/sexual-assault

Maybe we've grown accustomed to swallowing these emotions and staying quiet. Because we've seen that people often won't take our word over his [theirs] ... too many are treating this as just another day's headline, as if our outrage is overblown or unwarranted, as if this is normal -- just politics as usual.

Let's be clear. This is not normal. This is disgraceful. This is intolerable.

Michelle Obama 74

"It is not consent if you make me afraid to say no!" sanusi Kehinde

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Our Thanks To those of you who contributed your time to make this magazine possible, thank you!

Kadrianna Cohen Kelsi Karpinksi Hannah Ramirez Celeste Rubino Bella Johnson Lily Guiney Brenna Helm To our amazing writers and poets, thank you for sharing your talents and hearts with us!

(In order of appearance) Laura Horan Aubrey Sneed Julia Alvarez Kadrianna Cohen Ayushi Patel Nya Todd Danielle James Hannah Ramirez Madeline Curtis C Widmann Kelsi Karpinksi Celeste Rubino M Elena Saanya Advani Miranda Dunlap Shruti Elango Jillian Burger Ananya Varre Lily Guiney Emily Albaran Bhavya Thotakura All the proceeds of this magazine will go to Eve in Lansing, MI. 76

Photo Credits

Pages 2 & 3: Teal by Elizabeth Wyatt via Getty Images Pages 4 & 5: blue charming small flowers, toned teal and orange by Olena Nesterovych via Getty Images Page 6: Teal Petaled Flower Plant by Scopio Images Page 8: Teal and Red by Juan Morales via Getty Images Page 10: Priceless by Matty Harris via Getty Images Page 12: Silhouette of Person Walking by Subham Dash via Pexels Page 14: Bright rainbow in the sky by DaLiu via Getty Images Pro Page 16: harmony background, body, mind and spirit by anyaberkut via Getty Images Pro Page 18: Hot Air Balloon by thomaszsebok Page 20: Men's Black and White Striped Dress Shirt by Scopio Page 22: AIDS Awareness Red Ribbon on Color by aroastock.com Page 24: The Storm by Forest Arts via Getty Images Page 26: Bleeding Heart Flowers by allasizintseva Page 28: Beautiful girl with long hair of turquoise color by Remains via Getty Images Page 30: Mockup with Envelope and Flower on Pink Background. by Olga Zarytska Page 36: Eve Photo by Joy Whitenburg Page 38: Teams Putting Their Hands Together by Anemone123--2637160 from pixabay Page 40: Confessional, Italy by PurpleImages via Getty Images Page 44: Diverse Group of Friends by digitalskillet via Getty Images Signature Page 44-45: Large diverse group by FatCamera via Getty Images Signature Page 46: Woman Protesting by Jacob Lund Page 47: Judges chair in court room by DAPA Images Page 48: Green Succulent Plants by Maureen Bekker via Pexels Page 50: Sexual Assault Awareness & Prevention Month by USGirl via Getty Images Page 50-51: Distressed woman standing near Metoo hashtag, movement against sexual assault by Motortion via Getty Images Page 52: Survivor by USGirl via Getty Images Page 55: Teal, White, and Pink Paint by Zaksheuskaya via Pexels Page 56: Adult and child hands holding Teal Ribbon, toning background, Ovarian Cancer, cervical Cancer, Kidney Cancer and sexual assault awareness by ThitareeSarmkasat via Getty Images Pro Page 56-57: Man Showing a Note with the Text Me Too by Juan Moyano Page 58: Interview between businessmen by Comstock via Photo Images Page 61: Woman in Teal Dress Sitting on Rock Near Sea by La Miko via Pexels Page 62: Michigan State Capitol - Lansing, Michigan by Steven_Kriemadis via Getty Images Signature Pages 64-65: Teal and Black Abstract Painting by Dids via Pexels Page 72: Depressed woman embracing her friend by Wavebreakmedia via Getty Images Pro Page 74: Group Protesting for Equality and Women Empowerment by Jacob Lund Pages 76-78: Teal festive floral background with summer flowers by golubovy via Getty Images

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