Remembering Toad

Words by Katie Dempsey

Part 1

One morning Frog was sitting on his front porch, sipping tea with his good friend Squirrel. “What a fine day it is,” said Frog.

“Indeed,” said Squirrel. Frog took another sip of his tea.

“I say,” said Squirrel, “I believe you have received a letter.”

Frog walked down to the mailbox and retrieved the letter.

“It’s from my old friend, Sparrow,” said Frog

He opened the letter.

“Dear Frog,” the letter began. “I hope you are well. I have just received news that something may be the matter with Toad. Please stop by my house today for tea so we can discuss it further.”

“Oh my,” said Frog. He had not heard news of Toad in quite some time. Many years ago, he and Toad had been close friends. They had even dated for a while. But as things sometimes do, their friendship fell apart.

“What is the matter?” asked Squirrel. But Frog was lost in thought.

Part 2

Frog walked to Sparrow’s house and knocked on the door. Sparrow opened the door. She had tears in her eyes.

“Oh dear,” thought Frog.

“I’m so sorry, Frog,” said Sparrow. “But I just heard that Toad has passed away.”

Frog was quite shocked. “What happened?” asked Frog.

“I’m not sure,” said Sparrow. “But I believe Toad took his own life a few days ago.”

Frog was silent. He wasn’t sure how to feel. He and Toad had not spoken in years; was he allowed to feel sad? Was he allowed to feel curious about the details of Toad’s death?

He suddenly recalled a lovely day he had spent with Toad at the market many years before:

Frog and Toad were walking past tables adorned with items for sale. There were socks that had been lovingly knitted by hand, piles of colorful buttons, pieces of furniture artfully crafted from twigs, and all manner of baked goods. Toad pointed to a handsome yellow cake.

“I say! A delicious cake! Should I cut us a slice?”

“That is just a decoration, my friend,” said Frog. “A pretend cake.”

“I know a real cake when I see one. Look, I’ll cut us a slice right now!”

Toad grabbed a nearby fork and jabbed it at the cake, but the fork bounced right off.

“I say, that may not be a real cake after all,” said Toad. The two friends laughed, and then continued on to a table that advertised lovely straw hats.

Back in the present, Sparrow noticed the blank look on Frog’s face.

“I think we should visit with Tortoise after we have tea. She can give you more information than I can.” friend, but they were starting to lose touch.

“That would be lovely,” said Frog.

Part 3

Frog and Sparrow met Tortoise in the park for a picnic. Frog worried that it would feel strange to spend time with Tortoise again after such a long time, but it was as though no time had passed at all. They spent the afternoon sharing stories about what they had been up to, playing games, and enjoying the finger sandwiches that Sparrow had brought along. Finally it was time to discuss Toad.

“So do you know what exactly happened with Toad?” asked Frog.

“I know part of the story,” began Tortoise. “Toad and I weren’t as close lately as we had been, but we still spoke every now and then, and sent letters to each other on occasion. Last week he sent me a letter I found quite alarming.”

Frog had not spoken with Tortoise in several months. He still considered her a good

Tortoise took out the letter and began to read it aloud for Frog and Sparrow.

“My dearest Tortoise,” the letter began.

“Of all the regrets I have in my life, none have affected the core of who I am, who I was, more than this one. The sadness, anguish, and tears I’ve brought into the life of this beautiful being can never be taken back. The seconds, hours, minutes, months, and years my selfishness and stubbornness have robbed from him can never be repaid.

I have no other words to express this, but I’ve decided to take my own life.

I am so sorry to my family, friends, and loved ones who believed in me. I’ve betrayed my purpose as an artist and human being, and turned my back on the morals I once stood for. I can never set it right in my life. He will never forgive me, and he shouldn’t if I were him. I’m a true monster, even if I feel remorse, shame, guilt, the full range of my regret; I’ve crossed the point of no return.

“Who is that letter about?” asked Frog.

“He was involved with Hedgehog shortly before his death, but they were at a rocky place in their relationship,” responded Tortoise.

“I’m glad it’s not about me,” thought Frog. Although why would it be about him? He hadn’t spoken to Toad in years, and was being ridiculous. So he kept that particular thought to himself.

Tortoise continued. “The moment I received this letter, I went to his house and knocked on the door, but there was no answer. Then I went home and wrote him several letters asking him if he was OK, and telling him that I was here for him if he needed to talk. The next day I knocked on his door again. This time the door did open. But it was Field Mouse who opened the door. He told me that I was too late, that Toad was already gone.”

I’m so sorry. I love you. Thank you for giving me moments of light.

Regards, Toad

Frog was quiet. He had not written Toad a letter in a very long time. He hadn’t even responded to the last letter Toad had sent him several years before. “Maybe if I had written him a letter, this would not have happened,” he thought. But he kept that thought to himself as well.

Frog suddenly remembered another day that he had spent with Toad years earlier:

Toad would not get out of bed no matter how much Frog asked him to.

“You don’t understand what it is like to feel as I do,”

Toad had said. “I am simply miserable and I refuse to leave my bed.”

“I certainly have felt miserable myself, and did not want to leave my bed either. But it’s very important to get out of bed,” coaxed Frog gently.

“No,” responded Toad. “Going out into the sunshine is the only way to feel better,” said Frog. “I know it’s difficult, but you simply must do it.”

“There is a darkness within me that sunshine can not fix,” responded Toad.

“Will you not even try?” asked Frog. “Maybe the sunshine will help more than you think.”

“I will not.” responded Toad.

Frog now remembered why their friendship had ended. He had spent so many days like that, encouraging Toad to get out of bed, and to try to be happy. But he had eventually realized that Toad would not accept his help, and he simply could not watch his good friend waste away like that.

Frog finally felt his eyes well up with tears. Sparrow and Tortoise patted him on the back as the sun set on their picnic. Frog felt a lot of regret for how things had ended with Toad. He wished he could talk to him one last time. He would even have traded his prized collection of toadstools to bring him back. But there was nothing that could be done.

“Please don’t blame yourself,” said Sparrow gently.

The three friends sat there in silence as the sun set on their picnic. There was an emptiness where Toad should have been. But Frog knew that he had spent a lot of time trying to help Toad, and that it wasn’t fair for him to blame himself. He was angry with Toad, but his love for him was stronger than his anger.

Listening in Color

Art by Goods and Bads