6 minute read
Get Kids to Listen, But… How?
Syed Humayun Qaisar - Broadcaster Media Trainer & Counsellor
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Why won’t they listen? We hear this lament a lot. In fact, part of the problem are the parents themselves.
In the unresponsiveness of children, the first thing you need to do is figure out WHY child is NOT listening. Many a times lack of response is a SYMPTOM, not the actual problem.
If the issue is not addressed at its roots, a simple case of “not listening” may blossom into bigger behavioural issues, such as tantrums, defiance and backtalk.
Children of all ages have an instinctive need for when they don’t find opportunities to exert their power in positive ways choosing what clothes to wear, which friends to meet, picking what game to play, etc. – they may exert their power in negative ways.
How do we try to address the issue?
1. Get on even Level
Proximity is key– Put down the mobile, leaveTV, home or office work ensure that you are not talking down to your child or shouting orders from the other room– you are speaking.
When you lower yourself down and look your child in the eye, you not only verify she/he sees and hears you, but you strengthen communication as well. Eye contact is essential.
2. Forget Don’t and Don’t
Don’t run in the corridor, Don’t leave books over the floor, Don’t play with your food, Don’t laugh too much, Don’t touch your brother.
“Don’t” and “No” are negative commands, and, as such, kids want answers to two questions:
a) What do parents NOT want me to do?
b) What do they WANT me to do instead?
That’s confusing and contradictory. For example, if you say “Don’t touch your brother,” a child has to stop the current behaviour and determine the appropriate alternative behaviour– If I can’t touch him, does that mean I can’t hug him? Can we play together?
Can I help him tie his shoes if mom asks?
Better would be to tell your child what to DO.
Instead of “Don’t touch your brother,” try “Your brother doesn’t want to be touched right now. Instead of “Don’t leave your books over the floor,” try “Please put your books in the bag or on the table.”
3. YES Say YES
What is our normal, spontaneous reaction to the numerous requests we get from our children every day? “No,” Our common responses are:
“Not possible” No, not today.” “No, I don’t have time for that.” “Not now.” “Can’t be done.”
When “no” is a constant go-to answer of parents, it’s no wonder children stop listening to their requests! Look for reasons to say yes more often. Your “yes” answers will begin to surprise and delight your child and have them paying more attention when you ask for something!
Instead of “No, we can’t go to the park,” try “A wonderful idea! Should we go Saturday after school or Sunday morning?”
Instead of “No, you can’t have ice cream” try “Would you like to have it today after school or tomorrow evening?” Although you are asserting yourself yet accepting the request.
There will still be situations that require a hard “no,” by offering more “yeses” you’ll increase the chances your child will respond to them positively.
4. Shorten your Speech
Parents, and especially moms, tend to turn a ten-second answer into a five-minute sermon!
When trying to get your kid’s attention, be as concise as possible and they won’t even have time to tune you out.
5. Thank You in Advance Encourages
Parents pre-emptive “Thank you for hanging up your clothes after school” or “Thank you for cleaning the table” will encourage your kids toward good behaviour much more than, “I better not see your clothes on the bed again!”
Letting children know, in advance, that you trust them to do the right thing will open communication lines and increase the likelihood that the task will get completed.
6. Ensure Understanding
A simple way to ensure your child has heard you and that she/he understands is to ask her/him to repeat back what you said. In the medical field, studies have shown that 40-70% of the information doctors relay to patients is either forgotten completely or misunderstood (and keep in mind, these are adults, not just children).
To combat this misunderstanding, doctors have begun using the teach-back method which calls on patients to “teach back” to the doctor what treatment instructions they were just given. This method has been shown to drastically increase information retention from patients.
The same tool can be used effectively with children. Once you’ve made eye contact, shortened your speech, and clearly explained what you need your child to do, calmly ask your child to informally repeat back what they’ve just heard.
By ensuring everyone is on the same page, you will see an instant improvement in communication and cooperation in your home.
7. Observation not Reaction
If you see a task that’s been left undone, don’t start big reprimand, just make an OBSERVATION : “I see books/bag on the floor,” or you can ask, “What is your plan for cleaning your wardrobe / room this week”.
Strategy “What is your plan for?” avoids order and obedience power struggles. It’s empowering because it’s assumptive on your part that they have a plan, and gives your child an opportunity to save face and quickly come up with a plan in the moment, if they didn’t already have one!
This will encourage child to think of and share a plan. This gives you the chance to put a positive parenting empowerment spin on the whole conversation. “That’s lovely! You take good care of your things”.
Key Learning Points
Please remember that “not listening” should always be a wakeup call for parents. While it might seem like defiance on their part, it is more often a way to get our attention or push their self-esteem. Kids and adults alike have a need to be seen and heard. When this need isn’t met, kids will stop listening to us. Get your kids to LISTEN without comparing siblings, nagging, reminding, sermonising, or yelling and you’ll start feeling relief within days.
