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A Certain Chemistry

Science was never my strong point. I couldn’t understand how uranium ‘decays’ into lead over nearly 4.5 billion years – it sounds like the world’s longest magic trick...ta da! Even the names of the elements made little sense. Unless of course, those scientists were secretly trying to tell us something…

CARBON – May produce weight gain if you have a sedentary lifestyle. BORON – Induces tiredness in social situations. Also known as YAWNIUM. MANGANESE – Gives you leg joints like a Japanese cartoon character. HAFNIUM – Somehow there’s never as much of it as you thought. NOBELIUM – It is sometimes used in the manufacture of the world’s quietest bicycles. ANTIMONY – Is there a risk it might bring down the capitalist system? IRIDIUM – Good for removing things, unlike its polar opposite, IKEEPIUM. CHLORINE – Potentially found in cats? ARGON – Very hard to store because stocks never last long. CERIUM – Lacking in frivolity and may cause burns. KRYPTON – The unfathomable element. TANTALUM – It’s tempting to have it around. SILICON – The confidence trickster’s favourite. PALLADIUM – Was it discovered in London on a Sunday night? TUNGSTEN – This one is a bit of a mouthful. SCANDIUM – As seen in several thriller series on BBC4. COBALT – Often favoured by eloping couples. ZINC – Frequently used in the manufacture of German bathrooms. HELIUM and BROMINE – Maybe these elements are just for men? CALIFORNIUM – Suitable for dreamers.

Did you know?

The first documented discovery of an element was in Hamburg, in 1669, by Henning Brand. He isolated phosphorus by heating concentrated urine. Maybe that’s why it’s spelt with a ‘p’?

By Derek Thompson

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