Meet the Klein/O'Briens: Still a Family

Resident Feature by Stacey McEvoy | Photos by Christine Loy Photography and courtesy of the Klein/O’Brien family

Family provides love, support, guidance, laughter and, let’s face it, some tears at times. At the end of the day, most people agree that family is everything. Families also come in different arrangements. The Klein/O’Brien family’s arrangement is nothing short of admirable.

Phyllis Klein and Brendan O’Brien have been divorced since 2009 and both live in Chatham. They are the parents of Sam, a sophomore at the College of Charleston and Tristan, a Chatham High School senior. “From the beginning, we told our kids that we are still a family- Mom and Dad and two kids. That has not changed just because we are not a couple and don’t live in the same house,” says Phyllis.

(L-R) Brendan O'Brien, Sam, Tristan, and Phyllis Klein

Photo by Christine Loy Photography

The pair have continued to parent well because they share information and consult each other on decisions. They work through disagreements just like married parents- they talk and then compromise or make concessions. “We have very different personalities. However, what makes it work is that we genuinely like and respect each other and we have similar value systems. Also, we appreciate our relationship and recognize that it could easily fall apart if we don’t take care of it,” says Phyllis, adding, “In an intact, happy marriage, you can afford to lash out because you know you have the good will of the marriage that can survive it; but in divorce you have to be more careful-you need to stay calm, choose your words and, if venting is necessary, vent elsewhere.”

A family law attorney for more than 30 years, and a partner in Donahue Hagan Klein & Weisberg, LLC, in Morristown for 23 years, Phyllis’ primary practice is in divorce mediation. Divorce mediation is a cooperative process in which an impartial third party (the mediator) meets with both spouses, with or without their attorneys, to assist them in reaching a mutual agreement. The idea is that there is a better way to resolve a divorce than battling in an adversarial context. Instead of litigating first and then trying to possibly settle, the mindset is to try and settle first and litigate only if you must.

Phyllis is proud of her success rate in efficiently resolving issues not only for clients who have chosen to mediate from the start, but also for those who have been unable to resolve matters in the court system and seek mediation later in the process. Phyllis believes her success results from her tenacity and blunt and common sense approach.

“Litigation is such a negative process,” says Phyllis. “It’s expensive, both emotionally and financially, and it can take years. The hardest part of divorce is being in limbo; limbo is a terrible struggle for spouses and it is worse for children who find themselves in the middle and out of sorts, even in the most amicable of divorces. Many divorcing people suffer from a misconception that if they can get their day in court to tell their story, they will somehow come out on top; but, they don’t realize that they have no control over what the judge will decide. In mediation, you need to compromise, but you actually have a say in that compromise, which gives you far greater control. As a mediator, Phyllis always projects a positive mindset. “Clients, particularly those who choose mediation after having battled for a while in the litigation trenches, often think I can’t settle their matter. I always tell them they are wrong, that it is not rocket science. There’s always a resolution. If we don’t find it, a judge will—so why don’t we try to find it?”

Phyllis advocates for respect between couples who are divorcing or divorced. She advises clients to try to keep their emotions in check when communicating with the other parent. “Make that a practice. If the relationship is tenuous, you don’t have the luxury to express anger to the other parent because the ramifications could be devastating. And, never disparage the other parent to the children or fight with the other parent in front of your children when you are divorcing or are divorced. The children have already been forced to experience ‘broken’, an experience that they did not ask for, so you have to avoid making it worse. We put our children on this Earth and we owe them as peaceful an upbringing as possible,” she says.

Acknowledging that not every divorce situation can be as amicable as hers is, Phyllis says she has learned to have reasonable expectations of clients who come to her practice.

“I just demand civility and reasonableness. Parents need to try to get past or at least put aside their hurt or anger. Parents should appropriately greet each other when they exchange their children and be flexible with parenting arrangements. They should use kind words to and about each other. They should share information and help each other out, just like parents who are married. You don’t have to have kumbaya, but it should be peaceful, respectful and courteous,” she says, noting that her personal experience with divorce has made her a better family lawyer and a better mediator.

Brendan and Phyllis are always welcome at each other’s homes. “Each of our homes is one of our family’s homes,” she says. “Brendan comfortably walks into my house and it is not unusual for me to come home and find him in the house hanging with the kids. I’m moved by that.” In fact, over the years, it has not been uncommon for the family to dine together and share holidays and birthdays, sometimes with their extended families who, because of the way Brendan and Phyllis treat each other, continue to treat Brendan and Phyllis as family members. They have attended together virtually all of the children’s school and sports functions, have made college visits together and have attended many professional sporting events as a family, including hockey games and an annual trip to the U.S. Open. They even took their sons on a family vacation to Hawaii the spring break before Sam left for college. It went so well that they are planning a trip to England before Tristan heads off to college next fall.

Phyllis and Brendan still share many of the same friends so they attend the same parties and gatherings in town. People know they don’t have to choose. “Our friends compliment Brendan and me on how we handle ourselves and our family,” says Phyllis. “In fact, other divorcing couples have told me that they use our family as a model. Truthfully, that’s bittersweet. Clearly, I appreciate that we have not done our kids a service by getting divorced, but I do think we have done things in the best possible way.”

Reflecting on Sam and Tristan, Phyllis says that other than immediately after their separation, she and Brendan never felt that the boys were struggling with the divorce. To the contrary, the boys perceive them as a unit. “One time, when Tristan was getting frustrated because I wasn’t agreeing with him on a particular issue, he said he would call his dad. I said go ahead, I’m interested in hearing his opinion. Then Tristan said, ‘Forget it, there’s no point- Dad’s going to agree with you anyway!’”

Another time, “Our babysitter was driving Sam’s carpool and she got into a fender bender. The car was one that Brendan and I jointly used, but it was in Brendan’s name. I was on the phone with Sam as he looked for the registration for the police officer and I heard him say, ‘I’m on the phone with my mom but it’s my dad’s car but it’s OK because my parents get along really well.’ What Sam said made no sense, but my heart just swelled. These are examples of my windows in that all was reasonably well,” says Phyllis.

“Brendan and I are human and we are imperfect, just like every other set of parents,” says Phyllis. “We don’t think or talk about how to function in divorce. We just function the best we can as parents in a family, just like everyone else. Isn’t that the goal?”

We would like to thank Salerno Duane Inc. in Summit for bringing you this month’s cover story.

908-227-6700 | 267 Broad St, Summit, NJ | SalernoDuane.com

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