May 2012 by The Roane Reader

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501 Evergreen Dr. Harriman, TN 37748

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THE ORIGINAL

Roane Reader

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Roane County's BEST locally owned publication guaranteed to entertain you, or your money back!

VOLUME 19

MAY 2012

NUMBER 7

Established 1993

Rockwood Memories Ray Collet

Precious Memories By Kay Christopher

Penny Pinchers Save money

Bible Beat

Quizzes, puzzles, facts

14 2 10 8&9

Seen and Heard

Entertainment

Writer's Page

Aunt Hattie

By our readers

Trivia, facts, movie mistakes Our readers submitted writings Hurry-up recipes

According to the Almanac When to do what

Moron of the Month By Jerry Lemons

4 18

Obituaries

Fun & Facts for Kids only

Monthly

And Adults

Can You Find Me多 By The Phantom

Pick one up before they are all gone!

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Distributed

Round Racin'

Racing news & views

2 The Roane Reader

May 2012

The month of May Traditions

SEEN & HEARD IN

ROANE COUNTY By O.I. Seenya

 Did someone call for an ambulance because they were having pain in their ears from having them pierced?  Is it just me, or are there more small, wild animals around? Seems like every time I go to town I see deer, groundhogs, hawks, and opossums! It’s like we’re living in rural East Tennessee.  “She can’t just walk away from me . She’s from the flatlands of Arkansas. As hilly as East Tennessee is, she’d have to climb away!”  A two year old wildly brushing it’s teeth like an adult---then walking through the house carefully flossing his teeth with a plastic floss stick.  Woman sees a T-shirt that reads "The situation in American has gotten so bad, the cops reported a truckload of Americans trying to sneak into Mexico."

S�r�n�� fact�

- Ancient Egyptians toasted bread to remove moisture, impede molds, and spores, and give it a longer shelf life. - Before the invention of the toaster, people toasted bread on a prong held over a fire. - In the nineteenth century, people used a product called the Toaster over, a hollow tin box with wire cages on each of its four sides to hold slices of bread over the opening in a cast- iron coal-burning stove. -Originally, Cracker Barrel Old Country Stores also sold gasoline- until the oil embargo in the mid-1970s forced Evins to stop building filling stations

Flower: lily of the valley - humility, sweetness Birthstone: emerald - tranquility, luck in love Taurus's gem: emerald Zodiac sign: Taurus (1-21) and Gemini (22-31; see June for details). Taurus the Bull is an earth sign, as stable and immovable as the ground under your feet. Also immovable is the bull, who has a reputation for stubbornness. On the good side, that translates into stick-to-it-iveness, loyalty, and reliability, but Taureans may have a hard time adapting to change or seeing other points of view. Best friends: Virgo and Capricorn. Best love matches: Pisces, Scorpio and Cancer. Famous Birthdays: Bing Crosby (2nd), Audrey Hepburn (4th), Karl Marx (5th), Willie Mays (6th), Billy Joel (9th), Yogi Berra (11th), Stevie Wonder (13th), Liberace (16th), Pope John Paul II (18th), Cher (20th), Bob Dylan (24th), Miles Davis (25th), Vincent Price (27th), Gladys Knight (28th), John F. Kennedy (29th), Clint Eastwood (31st).

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From all your kids, grandkids, greatgrandkids & great-great grandkids.

We love you.

Precious Memories By: Kay Christopher

Mama

Since Mother’s Day is this month, I’d like to share some memories of my Mama. I have a lot of good memories of growing up in Emory Gap, and how Mama and Daddy provided for us kids. There were six of us crumb-crushers and I don’t ever remember going to bed hungry. If nothing else, our bedtime snack would be a jelly, ketchup or mayonnaise sandwich. We had a hot meal every day for supper. Dinner, or what is now called lunch, was usually a potted meat sandwich and Kool-Aid. Breakfast was usually grits, oatmeal or gravy and biscuits. Seems like Mama spent most of her time in the kitchen. Mama didn’t work outside the home because she had a full-time job, plus overtime, taking care of us. I also never remember a messy house. Except for some clothes hanging to dry around the coal stove, I can’t remember a time that I’d walk into the living room or kitchen when anything was out of place. Mama would work circles around us kids. The only chores she would let us girls do was the dishes and dust the furniture. She said we couldn’t sweep, mop, or cook good enough to satisfy her, which was not a good thing, because when I got married, my new husband had to show me how to turn on a washer. It took me 15 years to cook a complete meal that had taste appeal. Besides cooking and cleaning Mama was the one who saw we had clothes, usually handmade. She saw to it that her girls were dressed as good or better than all the other girls. (Or at least that’s the way she made us feel). My Mama was not just a housewife, she also saw that we had places to play in the yard, whether it be an old shed to play house in, or a tire swing hanging from a tree branch. Mama’s not in good health now, she’s in her late 80’s, but she should be comforted to know she made more good memories in my life than anyone did. Happy Mother’s Day Mama. Thanks for the memories.

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The Roane Reader is a monthly publication and a privately owned partnership. Our address is 501 Evergreen Dr. Harriman, Tn 37748. We welcome letters to the editor. The letters should be signed with address and phone number (for verification only.) We reserve the right to edit for grammar and clarity. Subscriptions are available at $16 per year. Coowners/Publishers: Kay Christopher and Justin Stout

3 The Roane Reader

May 2012

Cracker Barrel Old Country Store While working at the family gas station in Lebanon, TN, in the late 1960’s Dan Evins reckoned a way to help meet the needs of families driving along the new interstate highway system. He decided to build an old fashioned, homey restaurant that served up genuine home-style cooking—made with quality ingredients and based on old country recipes. To make weary travelers feel at home, he decided to recreate the warm, cozy, nostalgic atmosphere of an old- fashioned country store filled with jars of candy and homemade jellies, potbellied stoves, and pleasant employees who let customers take their time. Together with his friend Tommy Lowe, Evins drew up plans to build his dream restaurant on a parcel of land his family owned on the outskirts of town. On September 19, 1969, Evins opened the first Cracker Barrel Old Country Store, dishing out corn bread made from cornmeal and served with real butter, authentic maple syrup, turnip greens, biscuits and gravy, meatloaf, fried chicken, and mashed potatoes made from scratch daily. “The goal isn’t simply to recreate a time gone by,” says a company brochure. “It’s to preserve it. Because the way we see it, values of rural America aren’t about where you live. They are about how you live.” People took to the idea, and by 1977, Evins had thirteen stores along interstate highways from Tennessee to Georgia. In 1996, there were 260 Cracker Barrels across the United States, and by 2003, there were 463 stores in forty -one states.

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Gabbin' With Glander

The Champion Spitter of Roane County It was the first of May, near noon, when the Beechnut Kid pulled up at Glander's. The Kid's reputation had preceded him. He was from Bitter Creek, near the Morgan County line. Although he was still a teenager, it was said he could spit out a rooster's eye at twenty feet. "It's the Beechnut Kid," Solomon said solemnly. "The Beach Nut Kid," Merlin snickered. "What's he, a nut who lives on the beach?" "No," Solomon said. "They call him 'at 'cause he's only chewed Beechnut. He don't chew any other kind." "Beechnut's a good tobacca," Glander said quietly and seriously, "But I pre-fer Red Man." The Beechnut Kid ambled to us and said, "Mr. McForny, I'm here to challenge ye to some spittin'." His left jaw sank in and his right filled up as he shifted the quid in his mouth. He was a strapping corn-fed young man with big jaws, and you could tell just by looking at him that he'd never been beaten. He had that look of an undefeated virgin boxer, if you'll pardon the expression. Glander didn't say a word. He just chewed his cud and looked at the gas pumps. He finally nodded and said, ""How much you want to put up that you can beat me?" "I got fifty dollars," the Kid replied. Glander nodded. "That'll do. You're the challenger, you go first. The gas pumps 'ere. Whoever gets closest to 'em." "You'll take him, Daddy," Merlin said. "You do know Daddy's the undisputed Roane County champ, don't ye?" he asked the young man. "I'm the undisputed Morgan County champion," the young man replied. "So I'd say that makes us pretty even. Besides that, I got youth on my side." "Well, cocka doodle do to you," Merlin replied. The Kid looked at the gas pumps. . His body tensed up. He reared back, then thrust his head up and out and let it fly. "Hmm." Solomon murmured. Merlin hushed his yucking. The young man's tobacco juice had splattered about a half foot from the pumps. "Not bad," Glander said. He hunched his shoulders, rotated his head and moved his jaws around. Then, quicker than a copperhead striking, he jerked his head and spewed it out. For a moment nobody said anything. Glander brushed his finger around his mouth and then slid his thumb under his overall straps. The Kid's jaws had stopped working and he seemed to have shrunk. He had the look of a young boxer who'd suffered his first defeat. Glander's splat of juice had landed squarely on a gas pump. The Kid didn't say anything. He just pulled out his billfold and gave Glander some bills, then he walked to his pickup and drove away. "I knew you'd do it, Daddy," Merlin chortled and bobbed his head. "The Beechnut Kid, my bare aspirin." "A new world's record," Solomon said. "Bound to be." "Hmm, could be," Glander replied, rubbing his chin. "Hey Sour, I want you to be a witness." "A witness?" I asked. "Yeah," Glander said. "Solomon, go in the station 'ere and get the camera. Take some pictures here. I'm gonna send this to the Guinness Book of World Records. I wonder how much they pay for a record?" "They don't pay anything," I said. "They don't?" "No." "Hey Solomon," Glander hollered, "forget about the camera."

4 The Roane Reader

according to the almanac

best days to plant in may

May 2012

1st-2nd A Barren Period. Good For Killing Plant Pests, Cultivating, Or Taking A Short Vacation. 3rd-4th Excellent Time For Planting Corn, Beans, Peppers, And Other Aboveground Crops. Favorable For Sowing Hay, Fodder Crops, And Grains. Plant Flowers. 5th-7th Plant Carrots, Beets, Onions, Turnips, And Other Root Crops At This Time. Cabbage, Lettuce, And Other Leafy Vegetables Will Do Well. Planting Seedbeds. Good For Transplanting. 8th-9th Do No Planting. 10th-12th Plant Late Beets, Potatoes, Onions, Carrots, And Other Root Crops. 13th-14th Kill Plant Pests On These Barren Days. 15th-16th Favorable Time For Planting Late Root Crops. Also Good For Vine Crops That Can Be Planted Now. Set Strawberry Plants. Good Days For Transplanting. 17th-18th Poor Planting, Fine For Cultivating Or Spraying. 19th-20th Favorable Planting Days: First Day For Root Crops. Good Day For Transplanting. Last Day For Beans, Corn, Cotton, Tomatoes, Peppers, And Other Aboveground Crops. 21st-22nd Any Seed Planted Now Will Tend To Rot. 23rd-24th Most Favorable For Planting Corn, Cotton, Okra, Beans, Peppers, Eggplant, And Other Aboveground Crops. Plant Seedbeds And Flower Gardens. 25th-29th A Barren Period. Good For Killing Plant Pests, Cultivating, Or Taking A Short Vacation. 30th-31st Excellent Time For Planting Corn, Beans, Peppers, And Other Aboveground Crops. Favorable For Sowing Hay, Fodder Crops, And Grains. Good For Planting Flowers.

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May 2012

Preventive, Routine & Factory Scheduled Maintenance Engine Diagnostics Tune Up’s

Factory scheduled maintenance for all European, American, and Asian vehicles at a guaranteed savings versus going to the dealership.

Weather Forecast for May

Average Temp. 70° (1° below avg.); Precipitation 4.5" (0.5" below avg.); May 1-5: Sunny, warm; May 6-11: T-storms, then sunny, cool; May 12-21: Rain, then sunny, quite pleasant; May 22-24: T-storms, warm; May 25-31: Scattered t-storms, seasonable.

Best days to...

May Begin diet to lose weight…..…........................14,19 Breed animals………………...........................…5,6 Can, or pickle………………......................….13,14 Castrate animals …………….......................…11,12 Cut hair to discourage growth ..........................18,19 Cut hair to encourage growth .................…3,4,30,31 Cut hay ……………………......................…..16,17 Destroy pests and weeds….......................……16,17 Harvest aboveground crops…................…1,2,28,29 Harvest belowground crops…......................…18,19 Plant aboveground crops……...................…5,23,24 Plant belowground crops …......................…...13,14 Prune to discourage growth …...................... 7,16,17 Prune to encourage growth …......................…26,27 Have dental care ………...................….…1,2,28,29 Quit smoking……………......................……..14,19 Slaughter livestock……..……........................….5,6 Wean animals or children…….........................14,19

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Antiques

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May 2012

THE PHANTOM (Can You Find Me¿) This Months Picture

OK Guys Listen Up!!! "The Phantom" (an anonymous reader) will be supplying a new picture or saying about a Roane County landmark each month... It is up to you to find the landmark and be the first to respond to The Roane Reader at: www.roanereader.com/submit or email: info@roanereader.com, dont have a computer call 865-882-9340 The winner will get a free 1 year subscription to The Roane Reader. Its a great way to observe the history of those wonderful Roane County Landmarks and receive a years subscription to Roane County’s Best Locally Owned Publication for yourself or a loved one. We will announce the winner of the competition in the following month’s issue. PLEASE PROVIDE YOUR NAME, ADDRESS, EMAIL(optional) and PHONE NUMBER. ANSWERS MUST BE VERY SPECIFIC!! Entrees that fail to provide all this information will not qualify!

Gotta love those Moms

5 The Roane Reader

Aunt Karen is the mother of two high-spirited young girls. When I called her one morning, our conversation was constantly interrupted by the din of kids screaming and chasing each other. “Could you hold on for a moment?” my aunt finally asked, putting down the phone. Within ten seconds all I could hear was absolute silence. Then, “Okay, I’m back.” “But it’s so quiet!” I exclaimed. “You must have complete control over those two.” “Not really,” my aunt confessed wearily. “I’m in the closet.” While assembling furniture, my friend Debbie asked her roommate’s five-year-old son to bring her a screwdriver. “Do you want a ‘Daddy’ screwdriver or a ‘Mommy’ screwdriver?” the little boy asked. Confused but preoccupied, Debbie absentmindedly said, “Bring me a ‘Mommy’ screwdriver.” The child came back and handed her a butter knife. • Mothers know why animals eat their young." - Author Unknown • "I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them." •"It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him." •"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." •"A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie •"There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it." •"You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around - and why his parents will always wave back." •"Any mother could perform the jobs of several air-traffic controllers with ease."

How Often Should You Wash Your Bed Sheets?

Winner of Aprils "The Phantom"was: Ray Collett

The Answer He Guessed: Church Bell at the Rockwood Presbyterian Church, Rockwood St. across from Rockwood Middle School

509 N. ROANE ST.

HARRIMAN, TN

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If you're washing your sheets only once a month, that's not going to cut it. Your sheets need to be washed at least every other week, but weekly is ideal. It's also important to wash your pillow at least twice a year. Pillows can harbor mold, yeast and bacteria, which can cause diarrhea, asthma or bronchitis. If you have never washed your pillow, you may want to consider throwing it away and getting a new one. If you are taking care of someone who is sick, you should try to wash the sheets every day so that person isn't recuperating in a germ-filled bed. If you aren't able to wash them every day, then just changing the pillowcase daily should suffice.

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 24.8 is the median age of women when they give birth for the first time - meaning one-half are above this age and one-half are below. The median age has risen nearly three years since 1970.  A woman becomes pregnant most easily at the age of eighteen or nineteen, with little real change until the mid twenties. There is then a slow decline to age thirtyfive, a sharper decline to age forty-five and a very rapid decline as the women nears menopause.  The odds of a woman delivering twins is 1-in-33. Her odds of having triplets or other multiple births was approximately 1-in539.  When the female embryo is only six weeks old, it makes preparations for her motherhood by developing egg cells for future offspring. (When the baby girl is born, each of her ovaries carries about a million egg cells, all that she will ever have).  August is the most popular month in which to have a baby, with more than 360,000 births taking place that month in 2001.

ARRIMA

Mothers Day Facts

The Real Purpose of Elders

When you ask any Christian the question, “What is the purpose of elders, in the church of our Lord?” they generally answer, “to (shepherd, tend, feed, etc.) the flock”. No doubt one of the focuses of elders is to do that. But is that the main purpose of elders? Why is it, that good, God fearing, elders will work many years in the church doing just that, and then something happens where they move, die, or otherwise leave the congregation only to see it be taken over by “liberals progressives, etc”? Can they say they are not responsible for what happens when they leave? Isn’t this kind of thinking only self centered on behalf of the man who thinks that way? Let’s change the focus and look at this differently. Let’s say the main purpose of elders is to preserve the church that Jesus built and for whom He died. This kind of thinking now demands of elders to train other men to take their place when they are no longer an elder. They must do the training while they are still elders and not after they are gone. Isn’t that part of tending the flock? If not, why not? Hebrews 13:17 says elders will give an account. Normally we use that passage to say they will give an account of the souls of the flock. But is not part of that accounting how well the elders have trained the men to take care of and preserve the Lord’s teachings, after they are gone? Could it be that we have put the emphasis on “tending” so much that elders have become nothing more than “baby sitters” and have forgotten they are responsible for the leadership of the church, even when they are no longer elders. Elders are responsible to get everyone in their flock to heaven if the people submit to them. They are also responsible to prepare the church so that it continues in the ways of Jesus, after they are no longer elders. If we do what God wants, the way God wants it done; surely God will bless the church with growth the way He wants it to grow. -Hardie Logan, Marshfield church of Christ, Marshfield, WI

6 The Roane Reader

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ENTERTAINMENT

May 2012

By: Kay Christopher

Where are they Now? Everybody's sweetheart in the 50th and 60s was Annette Funicello. She was a young role model for young girls when she appeared on the Mickey Mouse Club and as a young lady when she appeared in the Beach Movies with heartthrob Frankie Avalon. Where she is now: Annette's condition has deteriorated due to MS and her life is now filled with constant struggle. Even breathing can be difficult. She doesn't get out much anymore. Tim Considine was seen on the Mickey Mouse Club, Spin and Marty, My Three Sons. Where he is now: Author/photographer/journalist, specializing in sports, in general, and auto racing, in particular. Wrote and directed TV after leaving My Three Sons in 1965. Connie Francis arrived with "Who's Sorry Now," followed by "Lipstick on Your Collar" and "Where the Boys Are." By 26, she had sold 42 million records. In 1964 she struggled through the first of four divorces; in 1974 the first of two miscarriages. That same year she suffered a brutal rape in a Long Island motel, followed in 1977 by the temporary loss of her voice; in 1981 her younger brother, George Franconero Jr., was the victim of a mob-style slaying. After a 1981 comeback, Francis was twice committed to a psychiatric hospital by her father, who claimed she was a danger to herself. She proved him right by swallowing a handful of sleeping pills in a suicide attempt. Where she is now: Francis admits she suffers from manicdepression. Thanks to lithium, she's on steady ground, playing the casino circuit. She lives with her adopted son, Joey. Linda Blair was the head-spinning Regan MacNeil, on The Exorcist. She won an Academy Award for her role. Dated funkmeister Rick James. Where she is now: Head-on-straight animal-rights activist. Lindsay and Sidney Greenbush: Played Carrie Ingalls, Little House on the Prairie. Where she is now: A mom (Lindsay); a top-ranked rodeo barrel racer (Sidney). FYI: Lindsay is the elder identical twin, by three minutes. Each twin sister earns $23 in residuals for every Little House rerun on local Los Angeles TV. Happy Birthday

Nicole Truax May 20th

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7 The Roane Reader

May 2012

obituaries March 16th Robert Jr. Vann, age 63, Coalfield March 17th Martha "Louise" Briggs, 88 March 18th Leona Gregoire, 71, Kingston March 19th Xavier Timothy Hall, 39, Harriman Samuel E. Griffin, Sr. 58, Kingston Timothy Hickey, 33 Rockwood March 20th Jason Reeves, 38, Harriman Connel Reid Walls, 89, Oliver Spgs Sgt. Lester Gibson, 62, Kingston, Faye Harrison, 94, Harriman March 21st Mattie Belle Lockett, 99, Harriman March 22nd Heather Murray, 25, Harriman Juanita R. Hill, 70, Rockwood March 23rd Blaine Adcock, 91, Coalfield Clifford Dearmore, 65, Rockwood Robert Nelson, 40, Rockwood March 24th David B. Kautz, 85, Ten Mile Alberta Parker Smith March 25th Carl James Walden, 33, Harriman Sonya Monday, 46, Coalfield Gail Young Barnes, 54, Rockwood March 26th Richard W. Goode, Jr. 81, Kingston March 27th James Doss, 40, Kingston Allene Jackson, 82, Ten Mile Mildred L. Bush, 83, Rockwood Jerry M. Gill, Sr., 61, Rockwood March 28th Steven A. Solomon, 53,Oakdale “Bill” Clifton, 89, Rockwood March 29th James A. Owens, 73, Oliver Spgs Ruth Ann May, 69, Harriman March 30th Mildred Foster, 89, Harriman Sarah Joyce Wilson, 77, Kingston Mary Hollinghead, 98, Rockwood April 1st Gerald L. Gamble, 66, Oliver Spgs April 3rd Robert D. Storey, 40, Rockwood April 5th Martha Jean Boswell Sams, 82 April 6th Dorothy Whitehead, 55, Harriman

“Maggie" Carroll, 63, Oliver Spgs Michael Rather, 53, Oliver Spgs James Howard Smith, 64, Kingston April 7th Misty Goad, 26, Harriman "Ronnie" Cobb, 63, Kingston Ruth H. Gross, 92, Kingston Naomi P. Childs, 89, Harriman April 8th Mary I. McKamey, 94, Oliver Spgs April 9th Carolyn Elaine King, 74, Harriman April 10th Ellen Russell, 82, Rockwood Henry L. Hamilton, 87, Rockwood April 11th Joseph Rayder, 63, Rockwood April 12th Christine E. Palko, 70, Harriman Bobby Joe Farr, 32, Oliver Spgs Irma June Hayes, 85, Daysville John W. Howard, Jr. 79, Kingston April 14th Mary T. Stanfield, 92, Kingston April 15th Linda “Byrd” Shirley, 62, Harriman April 16th Margaret Gentry, 83, Harriman April 17th Betty Walt Johnston, 79, Harriman April 18th Gordon V. Kerley, 89, Harriman April 19th William K. Wilson, 69, Oliver Spgs Kimberly J. Stout, 49, Kingston April 20th Margaret Kelly, 97 Oakdale Doris R. Bartlett, 97, Harriman Joseph Dannel, Rockwood Thurman L. Miller, 89, Kingston Geraldine B. Smith, 93, Kingston April 21st Charles E. Vought, 82, Harriman Johnny Housley, 65, Harriman "Sonny" Foster, Jr. 73, Rockwood April 22nd John Calvin Henry, 34, Kingston Robert S. Parker, Jr., 89, Kingston "Wayne" Hovater, 76, Harriman April 24th Berlin Duncan, 84, Oliver Spgs April 25th “Gwen” Walden, Jr. 64, Rockwood April 27th Billy Boles, Rockwood Blanche Davis, 88, Harriman

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. Revelation 21:4 (KJV)

Layman's 10 Commandments 1. Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble, but it is a "steering wheel" that directs the right path throughout. 2. So why is a car's WINDSHIELD so large & the rear view mirror is so small? Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE. So, look ahead and move on. 3. Friendship is like a BOOK. It takes few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write. 4. All things in life are temporary: If going well - enjoy it, they will not last forever. If going wrong - don't worry, they can't last long either. 5. Old friends are gold! New friends are diamond! If you get a diamond, don't forget the gold! Because to hold a diamond, you always need a base of gold! 6. Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, GOD smiles from above and says, "Relax, sweetheart, it's just a bend, not the end! 7. When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities. 8. A blind person asked St. Anthony: "Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?" He replied: "Yes, losing your vision!" 9. When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them, and sometimes, when you are safe and happy, remember that someone has prayed for you. 10. WORRYING does not take away tomorrow's TROUBLES; it takes away today's PEACE.

Don’t Put Off Tomorrow What You Can Do Today If you’re considering preplanning your funeral, consider our funeral home. We understand the importance of family, and it shows in everything we do because it is our name. To learn more about preplanning and how it can help your loved ones, please contact us at Fraker Funeral Home.

When it comes to your family, take time to compare!

raker

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Bible Beat

8 The Roane Reader

Bible Quest Plants in the Bible

1. From what kind of lumber did Noah build the ark? 2. When Aaron put his rod inside the tabernacle, what grew on it? 3. Fill in the blank: In a parable, Christ compared the signs of His coming to the branches on a(n) ________ tree that show when summer is near. 4. Fill in the blank: In an allegory, Isaiah prophesied that Israel will become desolate even as a tree that brings forth wild _________ will be allowed to be destroyed. 5. Fill in the blank: The passover meal included lamb meat, unleavened bread, and ___________. 6. What happened when Moses cast a tree into the waters of Marah? 7. Fill in the blank: Paul compared the Gentiles to wild branches grafted into a good and healthy ________ tree. 8. Fill in the blank: Jesus compared the kingdom of heaven to a ______ seed, which would grow from the tiniest seed into a huge tree. 9. Fill in the blank: In a parable, Christ compared the separation of the righteous from the wicked to the harvesting of _______ from the tares. 10. Fill in the blank: The Pharisees ridiculed Christ because His disciples plucked and ate ______ on the Sabbath. When Jesus therefore saw his mother, and the disciple standing by, whom he loved, he saith unto his mother, Woman, behold thy son! John 19:26-27

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Some Famous Mothers in the Bible

Mary and Elisabeth The world's most revered mother is Mary, mother of Jesus. Her cousin Elisabeth was also a godly person, who in her old age gave birth to John the Baptist. Mary visited Elizabeth for about three months while both were approaching motherhood. Salome The mother of the disciples James and John. Some think she was a sister of Mary, the mother of Jesus. Certainly, she and her sons were very close to Jesus. Hannah She left her young Samuel in the House of the Lord at Shiloh. Hannah had named her son Samuel and had prayed for his birth and made a promise that if she was rewarded with a son, she would consecrate her child to God. Then when he was about three years old, she took him to Eli the priest for training. Rachel and an Unnamed Mother Mother of Joseph and Benjamin. She was the first woman on record to lose her life in childbirth. Rachel died when Benjamin was born. The second on record to lose her life in childbirth is an unnamed mother, mentioned briefly in I Samuel 4:19-22. She was the mother of Ichabod Rebekah Rebekah's life ended with her becoming a frustrated heartbroken mother. She brought about hostility between her twin sons Jacob and Esau. Eve The first mother. Her first and most beloved son Cain killed his brother Abel. Much later a son was born named Seth as well probably as other sons and daughters whose names are not listed. Jochebed Mother of Aaron, Moses, and Miriam. She was able to save Moses from the Pharaoh's edict of death for Hebrew male children. For the first three months of his life, she kept him hidden. Then she wove an ark of bulrushes and put Moses in it to await the coming of Pharaoh's daughter who took pity on the child. When she sought a nurse for the child, it was Jochabed who was given the task of caring for him until he was seven. Sarah The beloved wife of Abraham, Sarah, who was to be the Mother of Nations. Her son Isaac, was born in her old age, the Bible's first story of a miracle conception. Sarah's life was one of continuous trial, but through it she emerged as a woman of power, one who was a dutiful and beloved wife and who finally became a favored and venerated mother.

Answers to Bible Quest

for Daily Specials or

May 2012

H W ANY

6 a.m. - 8 p.m. Mon - Friday

LOGS TO LUMBER AT YOUR SITE! Using a Wood Miser Portable Sawmill Columbus Dr. Lenoir City 865-986-4264

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

Genesis 6:14 Numbers 17:8 Mark 13:28 Isaiah 5:4 Exodus 12:8 Exodus 15:25 Romans 11:17 Matthew 13:31 Matthew 13:30 Matthew 12:1

Bible Beat

May 2012

Bible Trivia

1. How many books of the Bible are named after women? 2. In the Bible, who did the sun and moon stand still before? 3. Who is the only woman whose age is mentioned in the Bible? 4. We should rejoice in our sufferings because we know that it produces... 5. The wages of sin is death. What is the gift of God? 6. What biblical place name means "pleasure"? 7. Who was the first pope? 8. According to the Bible, how many pearly gates are there? 9. How much time did Jonah spend in the belly of the whale? 10. What animal is mentioned most frequently in both the New and Old Testaments?

Verse Scramble

Unscramble the letters in each word to discover the passage EH TTHA TSSPIHEED SIH RONIHGEB TSNNIHE: UTB EH TTHA THHA YRMEC NO EHT RPOO, YPPHA SI EH. OD YTHE TON RRE TTHA VSIEED VLIE? UTB YRMEC NDA UTTRH SLLHA EB OT TMHE TTHA VSIEED OOGD. Solution to Verse Scramble:

Happy Birthday

Joyce Nall

He that despiseth his neighbor sinneth: but he that hath mercy on the poor, happy is he. Do they not err that devise evil? But mercy and truth shall be to them that devise good. Proverbs 14:21-22

May 26th

To play this online go to: http://www.joanyedwards.com/crossword/B5aMaryWasAmazed.html

Mary Was Amazed, Luke 2:16-21, Feast of the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God Across 1. body pump 3. earlier 5. kid 7. one of God's workers 8. chose a title 11. surprised 12. what person 13. spouse of Mary 15. creator 16. note 17. "Where have you ___?" 18. went back 22. not sitting or standing 24. earned 25. thanking 27. lawful 28. those who care for sheep 31. "Is that ___?" 32. famous 33. 24 hour periods Down 2. "I ___ you!" 4. discovered 5. finished

Bible Trivia Answers:

2; Joshua; Sarah; Perseverance; Eternal Life; Eden; St. Peter; 12 (Revelation 21:12-21); Three days and three nights; The Sheep.

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9 The Roane Reader

6. praising 9. feeding place in stable 10. having a baby 12. baby's place inside the mother

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10 The Roane Reader

Household Hints

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Happy Mothers Day from The Roane Reader

Home Cooked Meals

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Opening new jars? Instead of banging a jar of jam, pickles, etc., with a knife until it loosens up, simply reach into the drawer and pull out the handy nutcracker. It adjusts to the size of the jar, simply give it a good twist and off pops the lid! Blood stains on clothes? Pour a little peroxide on cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works every time! Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal for inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks. Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash windows on sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak. Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels and linen. Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 2 hours prior to burning. To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to boil on stovetop. Spray your plastic ware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains. When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness. Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area and you will experience instant relief. Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march. See for yourself.

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Penny Pinchers

May 2012

Aunt Hattie's "Hurry-Up" Recipes

Don't throw away that banana peel !!  The inside of the peel can be rubbed on the affected area for psoriasis.  You can use banana peels for acne treatment. The inside of the peel should be rubbed on the acne. It is best to rub the peel at night, before going to bed for better effect.  If you are going hiking, camping, etc. and get a poison ivy rash, then you can use the peel for treating poison ivy as well. Rub the inside on the affected area. After some time you will see that the itching, redness and inflammation will disappear.  If you suffer from warts, then you do stand to benefit from the use of banana peels. Rub the inside of the peel on the wart every night for 7 to 10 days. The effect will be for you to see. Alternately you can try to tape the peel on the warts overnight.  Allergies, skin irritation and skin bruises can also be treated with the use of banana peels. If the skin is itching, then tape the peel on the affected area and leave it overnight.  A wound can also be healed with the use of banana peels, especially knee injuries. Rub the knees with banana peel and see the healing effect of the peel.  When you suffer from mosquito bites, the skin is irritated and itchy. At such times, you can use the banana peel on the bites. It will be of help in reducing the swelling and/or irritation caused by the mosquito bites.  If you have silverware, leather, etc. which you want to shine, then instead of the chemicals you may want to make use of banana peels.  A banana peel can also be used as a garden compost. It is high in potassium and phosphorus, which proves to be helpful.

HATTIE SHILLINGS

Bacon Chicken Breasts About 4 tablespoons water 1 box stuffing mix 12 slices raw bacon 6 boneless skinless chicken breasts (frozen) 6 slices Swiss cheese 1 can cream of chicken soup Spray crockpot with cooking spray. Place the stuffing mix on the bottom, add flavor packet. Sprinkle with water. Wrap each frozen breast with 2 slices of bacon. Place on top of the stuffing mix . Pour can of soup over top of chicken. Cook on LOW for 7 to 10 hours or on HIGH for 5 to 7 hours. Place cheese slices on top to melt 15 minutes before serving.

Restaurant-Style Potato Skins 6 potatoes 1 cup vegetable oil 1/8 cup bacon bits 8 ounces shredded Cheddar cheese 1 16 oz. package sour cream Preheat oven to 375°. Lightly grease a 9 x 13 inch baking pan. Pierce potatoes with a fork. Microwave the potatoes on HIGH until they are soft; approximately 10-12 minutes. Cut the potatoes in half vertically. Scoop the inside out of the potatoes, until ¼ inch of the potato shell remains. Heat oil to 365° in a deep fryer or a deep saucepan. Place the potatoes in hot oil, fry 5 minutes. Drain potatoes on paper towels. Fill the potato shells with cheese and bacon bits. Arrange them in the prepared baking pan. Bake for 7 minutes, until the cheese is melted. Serve hot with sour cream.

Rancho Baked Beans 3 tablespoons butter 1 cup chopped onion 1 pound ground beef 1 teaspoon seasoned salt ½ tsp. Worcestershire sauce 1 Tbsp. prepared mustard ¼ cup packed brown sugar 1 (8 oz.) can tomato sauce 2 (1 lb.) cans pork and beans 1 can pinto beans, undrained Brown onion and ground beef in butter. Drain grease. Combine in a cast iron skillet with the remaining ingredients. Bake at 400° for 30 minutes or until bubbly.

Cherry Supreme Cheesecake 8 ounces cream cheese 1/3 cup lemon juice 1 can cherry pie filling

1 cup sweetened condensed milk 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 1 graham cracker pie crust

Soften cheese at room temperature. Beat in milk, lemon juice and vanilla extract. Pour into pie crust. Chill until set. After cheesecake has set, pour pie filling over top. Keep refrigerated.

11 The Roane Reader

May 2012

Where Are They Buried?

"Life Lessons Learned"

1. Black or white cars: A solid white or solid black car is so dull, so plain, and so boring to look at. I don't like them one bit and I have never seen one I though was pretty. Why would anyone want to drive them much less spend so much money on them? If you're gonna buy something that expensive, at least buy one with a bright color that stands out in the crowd. 2. Equal Rights: Listen, I lived through the '60's-70's, I'm all for equal rights for women and I don't want to sound sexist but I'm cannot stand to see women sportscasters, women lawyers, women police officers, women in the military etc. and I especially hate to see a woman in a race car at The Daytona 500!! (I wish Jr. would have wrecked her real good) 3. Grammar: It really gets on my last nerve to see so many people use the word *your* when they really mean *you're.* Have you ever noticed how many people do that or is it just me? Also, the majority of people say "I could care less" when what they really should say is "I couldn't care less." Oh well.... 4. Cell Phones Tunes: People, please, I don't want to hear that stupid song you have playing on your cell phone and it's always way too loud! It's bad enough I have to wait so long before you answer much less listen to that crap. Turn it down. 5. Items in caskets: Family and friends, please don't put anything in my coffin but me. Ok? Geesh....I've seen a fishing pole, a golf club, pictures, photos, drawings, flowers, I've even seen a guitar! Hardly any room left for the dearly departed one at all. Now, you tell me what in the world is your loved one going to do with any of those items? Ridiculous!

By: Rita Webster 1. Contribute something to each Salvation Army kettle you pass during the holidays. 2. Send a "thinking of you" card to a friend who's experiencing the anniversary of the loss of a loved one. 3. Enter a room or a meeting like you own the place. 4. Don't use your teeth to open things. 5. Never keep a free ride waiting. 6. Wave to train engineers. 7. When someone you know is down and out, mail them a twenty dollar bill anonymously. 8. When pouring something from one container to another, do it over the sink. 9. Aspirin is aspirin. Buy the least expensive brand. 10. Never go up a ladder with just one nail.

General George Custer 11-5-1839 to 6-25-1876

Cause of Death: Killed by the Sioux Indians at the Battle of Little Bighorn. (At the time of his death he was no longer a general but had been demoted to captain.) Gravesite: In the Post Cemetery at the West Point Military Academy in New York. Since Sept. 11, 2001 citing security reasons, tours are no longer given to the general public. His stone is emblazoned with a large bronze plaque that details his life accomplishments, and the monument is adorned with giant buffalo heads on either side. Directions to Cemetery: From I-84 take Exit 10S, follow Route 9W South for 151/2 miles, then turn at the 2nd West Point exit. Proceed one mile and bear right at the *Y*, it is 1/2 mile on the right.

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12 The Roane Reader

May 2012

2012 Wartburg Speedway Schedule (Schedule is tentative and subject to change)

2012 SCHEDULE RACE SCHEDULE No. Date 9 April 28 10 May 6 11 May 12 May 19 May 19 12 May 27 13 June 3 14 June 10 15 June 17 16 June 24 17 June 30 18 July 7

July 15

Race Richmond Talladega Darlington Sprint Showdown Sprint All-Star Race Charlotte Dover Pocono Michigan Sonoma Kentucky Daytona Loudon

Time (ET) 7 p.m. 12 p.m. 6:30 p.m. 7 p.m. 7 p.m. 5:30 p.m. 12:30 p.m. 12 p.m. 12 p.m. 2 p.m. 6:30 p.m. 6:30 p.m. 12 p.m.

Crossville Raceway 2012 Schedule

Sandra L. Stout

Racetrack Websites Smoky Mountain Speedway WWW.SMOKYMOUNTAINSPEEDWAY.COM

WARTBURG SPEEDWAY WWW.WARTBURGSPEEDWAY.NET

CROSSVILLE RACEWAY WWW.CROSSVILLERACEWAY.NET

SPRING CITY RACEWAY WWW.SPRINGCITYRACEWAY.COM

411 MOTOR SPEEDWAY 411MOTORSPEEDWAY.NET

Schedule is tentative and subject to change

Saturday, May 5 Saturday, May 12 Saturday, May 19 Saturday, May 26

Saturday, June 2

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Saturday, May 5 Saturday, May 12 Saturday, May 19 Saturday, May 26 Saturday, June 2

TBA Weekly Racing Program Mod Mini Shoot out $400 to win Weekly Racing Program Power Puff Weekly Racing Program

Points Standings Modified Mini 1. Brian Frost 24 2. Lance Frost 20 Mod Lite 1. Josh Pugh 42 2. Ron Dodson 40 4. John Stout 38 Street Stock 1. Reagan Williams 48 2. Dewayne Hutcherson 38 3. Ernest Cox 32 Modified Street 1. Jimmy York 44 2. Terry Shannon 24 3. Joe Freels 20

Open Wheel Modified 1. Keith Longmire 48 2. Billy Palmer 36 3. Matthew Hopper 30 Late Model 1. Mike Weeks 48 2. Jeff Adkisson 36 3. Brian Hooks 28 Extreme 1. Blake Hall 40 2. Dustin Bonham 38 3. Sammy Reynolds 38 Thunder 1. Westley Lester 44 2. Bucky Nance 24 3. Casey Crane 18

Smoky Mountain Speedway By: John Griffin

The WIMZ 103.5 sponsored Southern All-Stars sanctioned event is now in the books. Smoky Mountain Speedway opened on April 14th to a very good crowd and a 60 great bunch of racecars. 54 After qualifying had been completed, it was Vic “The Thrill” Hill of Moshein, TN 50 setting fast time. In the 50 lap main, Hill took off sailing and never looked back as he sped from top to finish. Hill drives the Pilot Travel Centers/Landair Transport Warrior racecar. Billy Ogle, Jr. of Knoxville had a strong run for 2nd with Tommy Kerr of Maryville, 3rd, Ray Cook of Brasstown, NC in the D& R Wrecker Service in 4th and Mark Douglas of Knoxville 5th. In the NeSmith Crate Late Model action it was Greg Martin , who lives in the Roane County section of Oliver Springs, led from start to finish to take the checkers. Martin is a force to contend with as he is winning more races wherever he goes. Justin Summers, who was fast qualifier, finished 2nd, with Mack McCarter 3rd, David Crabtree 4th, and Hunter Best 5th. In the Street Stock Feature, it was Travis Reno taking the checkers in an emotional win. Reno took the first race of 2011 and then something happened where he could no longer race. Dale Watson finished 2nd, with Bradley Lewillin 3rd. In the Mod Mini feature, it was Michael Courtney taking the checkers with Chuck McMahan 2nd, Rocky McNabb 3rd, and Greg Muse 4th. The SAS Series will be back to Smoky Mountain on June 16th. Next up on the schedule will be a Friday night show on May 4th, when the United Sprint Car Series invades the track. These cars reach speeds of 140-150 m.p.h. around the 4/10th mile track. Also, in action will be the Limited Late Models Street Stocks and Mod Minis.

May 2012

Murphy's Law

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. 2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. 4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers. 6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). 7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. 8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. 10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 11. Law of the Theatre & Football - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk. 12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug. 15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly. 17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet. 18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. 19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

13 The Roane Reader

Rules of Thumb

1. You can determine whether a ghost is real by crossing your eyes. If the image doubles, the ghost is there. If not, it's all in your mind. 2. To tell if a pearl is genuine, rub it against your teeth. A fake pearl will feel smooth: the real thing will grate. 3. You can live 3 seconds with-out blood, 3 minutes without air, 3 days without water, and 3 weeks without food. 4. The next time you come home, pretend you don't have your keys. The way you get in your house is the way a burglar will, too. 5. When ants travel in a straight line, expect rain. When they scatter, expect fair weather. 6. Clench your fists and put them beside each other, thumb to thumb and knuckles aligned. Going from left to right, each knuckle represents a month with 31 days and each valley represents one with 30 days or fewer. 7. Wait for a fly to land on a hard surface and move its front two legs to its face in a feeding or cleaning action, then swat. 8. To predict children's final adult height, double their height on their second birthday. 9. You can tell how many miles you are from a thunderstorm by counting the seconds between the lighting and thunder and dividing by five. 10. Some answers in a multiple-choice test will try to take advantage of a common misconception. If you recognize the misconception, you've eliminated one of the possible answers.

14 The Roane Reader

Rockwood Memories

By RAY COLLETT Rockwood made the newspapers throughout the United States on June 19, 1953. This was taken from the Jacksonville, Fla. Journal. Two youthful sailors, both Korea veterans and both AWOL are spending their unofficial vacation in the Rockwood jail, both loving it. The Navy was never like this: Roane Co. made them honorary citizens. They go swimming every day. They can't handle all the invitations to home-cooked meals, and went to Sunday School and church Sunday. "This is the best town we've ever been in," they agreed. It all started in San Diego, Ca., on June 1 when seaman Charles Robinson, 21, of Knoxville, and Fireman Roy Lee Austin, 19 of Wilson,Okla., got to talking at the San Diego Naval Base. "I said to Roy, "Let's go to Tennessee," says Robinson. "Don't say that unless you mean it," Austin replied, and as Robinson tells it, "we took off without a red cent or a cigarette." They hitchhiked the 3,000 miles from San Diego to Knoxville in 55 hours, and stayed in Knoxville about ten days. On the way back, he added,"We ran out of money in Rockwood and decided to give up and let the Navy take us back." Policeman Avery Billings notified Navy officials in Memphis, who said they'\d be here in a day or so. The sailors have been here now for a week and Billings decided the jail was too cramped for an indefinite stay. "I questioned them,", Billings explained,"and found they were just typical American boys who had decided to take a trip home.,"So I unlock the jail door at 9 a.m. every morning and they report back at 9 p.m. each night to be locked up again." The police department in Rockwood said they called the Naval Station in Memphis on the same day the boys gave up and were told someone would come for the boys the next day. It was exactly seven days before they came, officers here said. During their stay, Officer Billings has taken them to church, let Robinson's mother and sister visit them at his home, gave the boys use of his bathroom facilities, fed them and even let them go swimming. In addition to his hospitality, other citizens here have had them for meals, and one furniture company loaned the boys a fan in order to make their stay in the Rockwood jail more comfortable. The two youngsters, somewhat bewildered at the kindness said, " This is the best town we have ever been in and if the people treat us this good, then they must surely treat other strangers like kings. The guys at the base just won't believe it when we tell them what happened." After being picked up here by Naval Shore Patrol, the two were taken to Knoxville and sent on their own to the Memphis Naval Station, where they reported in on Saturday morning. They were then flown to their station at San Diego. Since they turned themselves in, the Navy explained, they were under "technical arrest" only and permitted to come to Memphis on their own. We'll probably have to spend 42 days in the brig, three days for each day we were AWOL, when we return. But we would gladly take six month's "punishment" in the brig in Rockwood." After I found this story a few years ago, I tried to find these two sailors and see if we could bring them back to Rockwood, but was unable to get any information on their whereabouts. But who knows, maybe one day they will show back up again. At any rate, with all of the bad publicity our area has been receiving lately, this sheds a little good news on our wonderful area.. To get your copy of "Rockwood Memories", call Ray 865-354-7680. Until next month, Ray

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TV Mother Trivia Name the TV shows these Mom’s were in

1. Clair Huxtable 2. Norma Arnold 3. Peg Bundy 4. Jill Taylor 5. Lois Griffin 6. Ann Romano 7. Marion Cunningham 8. Margaret Anderson 9. Morticia 10. Endora ANSWERS: The Cosby Show; The Wonder Years; Married with Children; Home Improvement; The Family Guy; One Day at a Time; Happy Days; Father Knows Best; The Addams Family; Bewitched.

May 2012

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May 2012

Fun & Facts for kids only

What is Memorial Day?

What day in the month of May is Memorial Day observed? Memorial Day was once called by another name. What was the former name? What would you traditionally fly on Memorial Day? Many Americans treat Memorial Day as the beginning of which of the four seasons? Small American flags are placed at the head of each gravestone during this holiday. In what well-known cemetery are these patriotic remembrances placed? Which southern state first celebrated the federal holiday of Memorial Day?

Answers: 1. The last Monday in May Decorate Day American Flag Summer Arlington National Cemetery Mississippi.

A bubble is a thin film of soapy water. Most of the bubbles that you see are filled with air. The film that makes the bubble has three layers. A thin layer of water is sandwiched between two layers of soap molecules. Each soap molecule is oriented so that its polar (hydrophilic) head faces the water, while its hydrophobic hydrocarbon tail extends away from the water layer. No matter what shape a bubble has initially, it will try to become a sphere. The sphere is the shape that minimizes the surface area of the structure, which makes it the shape that requires the least energy to achieve. What Happens When Bubbles Meet? When bubbles stack, do they remain spheres? No, when two bubbles meet, they will merge walls to minimize their surface area. If bubbles that are the same size meet, then the wall that separates them will be flat. If bubbles that are different sizes meet, then the smaller bubble will bulge into the large bubble. Bubbles meet to form walls at an angle of 120째. If enough bubbles meet, the cells will form hexagons. You can see observe this structure by making prints of bubbles or by blowing bubbles between two clear plates.

Memorial Day Trivia

2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8.

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15 The Roane Reader

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Memorial Day was originally called Decoration Day. It is a day of We want to see your best artwork. remembrance for those who have died in the service of our nation. Blow bubbles outside, as the food color Send us your drawings along with your name and age. Waterloo N.Y. was officially declared the birthplace of Memorial will stain furniture and floors. Use Day by President Lyndon Johnson in May 1966, but it's difficult to We will put your pictures in The Roane Reader plastic straws to dip into the bubbles prove the origins of the day. There is also evidence that a women's Send them to and blow. group in the South decorated graves before the end of the Civil War. 501 Evergreen Dr. Harriman, TN 37748 or In either case, Memorial Day has had numerous starts due to the email to info@roanereader.com human need to honor the dead. Though some people think it's a day to honor any and all dead, Memorial Day is intended to honor those When George Lucas was mixing the American Graffiti soundtrack, he numbered the reels who have given their all in service to our country. of film starting with an R and numbered the dialog starting with a D. Sound designer Walter Murch asked George for Reel 2, Dialog 2 by saying "R2D2". George liked the way that sounded so much he integrated that into another project he was working on.

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16 The Roane Reader

May 2012

“THERE IS NO MEANS OF AVOIDING THE FINAL COLLAPSE OF A BOOM BROUGHT ABOUT BY CREDIT EXPANSION. THE ALTERNATIVE IS ONLY WHETHER THE CRISIS SHOULD COME SOONER AS A RESULT OF A VOLUNTARY ABANDONMENT OF FURTHER CREDIT EXPANSION, OR LATER AS A FINAL OR TOTAL CATASTROPHE OF THE CURRENCY SYSTEM INVOLVED” Ludwig von Mises

Is Mises correct? “There is no means of avoiding a final collapse of a boom brought about by credit expansion”. Whatever politicians, bankers, economists or others experts say, there is no solution to this crisis. We have reached the end of the road and are now staring into the abyss. The credit manufacturing system that started in 1913 when the Fed was founded, began its terminal phase in 1971 when Nixon abolished gold backing of the dollar. It has been clear to us for at least 20 years that the outcome was inevitable. It was never a question of “if” but only “when” it would happen. It is now clear to us that the false prosperity that the world has experienced by printing unlimited amounts of money will very soon come to an end. Thus the “if” and “when” conditions are now satisfied so the remaining question is HOW? To try to answer this let’s return to Mises: “The alternative is only whether the crisis should come sooner as a result of voluntary abandonment of further credit expansion ….” To stop the money printing and credit creation would be the only sensible way of ending the failed quasi-capitalist, socialist experiment which is in the process of destroying the structure of the Western world. For almost 100 years we have lived on a system based on debt. This has created a false prosperity as well as false values. The transfer of capital from private enterprise to government by massive taxation is approaching 50% in many countries. The average for 18 industrialized countries is almost 40%. This means that on average 40% of the productive economy is transferred to a non-producing entity (government) which wastes most of the money in the process of redistribution. But not only that, since the state has taken over up to 50% of the economy in these countries, the desire to work, to strive, to take risk and to invent has been taken away from a major part of the population. For a great many people it is now totally natural to rely on the state for their needs rather than on themselves. And the state needs to borrow/print ever increasing amounts to perpetuate this economy based on an illusion. This situation is totally untenable. Since any additional money printing will only exacerbate the crisis and make the final collapse so much greater, the swiftest solution would be let the financial system implode now. We need to reset the world to a level which is sustainable. The consequences of this implosion would be a collapse of the financial system and a reset of debt to zero. Although this is unthinkable to any government or politician, it would be by far the quickest way to get the world back on its feet with no major debts, minimal government interference, and no central bank that can print money. It would be like a forest fire getting rid of all the dead wood. Out of that would rise masses of green shoots in the form of strong growth. The transition will of course be traumatic and the current generation will experience enormous hardship. But not voluntarily abandoning the money printing now will just delay the inevitable and the consequences will be dramatically greater and affect many future generations. My view is that governments worldwide are totally incapable of stopping the money printing. This is their only means of staying in power and buying votes. But not only that, this is the only method they know. This has been their patent solution to all economic problems in the last decades. Not that this is new in history. Most empires have resorted to diluting the value of money by reducing the gold/silver content of coins or printing paper money. But as far as I know it has never before been done by so many countries simultaneously to such an extent.

Since there won’t be any voluntary abandonment of credit creation what will the likely outcome be? Again let’s use Mises words: “…… a final or total catastrophe of the currency system involved”. The problem this time is that we are not talking about one currency or one country. No, we are talking about most of the world’s major currencies. We have been used to measuring currencies and economies on a relative basis i.e. against each other. But this is a total fallacy since all major currencies have been in a race to the bottom for the last 100 years. Most currencies have lost between 97% and 99% against real money –GOLD – since 1913. And since 1999, most currencies have lost 80% or more against gold. So paper money has been a very poor measure of wealth in the last 100 years. Governments are creating credit and paper money and consequently through their fraudulent actions “stealing” from the people while at the same time increasing the people’s dependence on the state. And the people do not understand that the value of paper money is declining continuously. But gold reveals the deceitful destruction of paper money. This is why governments do not like gold and try to suppress the gold price. Bob Tonachio is CEO of Robert James & Associates a national financial services company. Consultations are always confidential and free of charge in Crossville, Kingston and Knoxville. He may be contacted at 1-800-530-5700

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17 The Roane Reader

The Roane Reader proudly presents THE WRITER'S PAGE

In Loving Memory of Cole Heide

Your Eternity Heaven or Hell? By: Elsie Wyrick

5-1-83 - 9-16-03

HAPPY BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN We thought of you today But that is nothing new. We thought of you yesterday And the days before that too. We think of you in silence We often speak your name All we have are memories And pictures in frames Your memory is a keepsake from which we will never part. God has you in his arms We have you in our hearts. Waiting to see you in Heaven Love from, Mom(Jill), Aunt Joni, Uncle Mike, cousin Barrett, Grand Johnny, and Nin(Darla) And all who loved you!

Are you listening to Satan and enjoying all the entertainment he is providing you? If you are, just remember, he will be demanding a payment soon---your soul! If you have read or heard God’s word, then you know about a place called Hell; and if you don’t repent of your sins, you will find out first-hand what it’s all about. Yes, it’s an eternal damned place where there is no place of forgiveness and there is no way out! But, if you will let God’s holy spirit convict you of your sins, and repent, he will be yours for all eternities to come. But, right now is your chance! Don’t wait too late!

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My Prayer

By: Amanda Griffith Lord, you know that I am not perfect, And I’m never going to be, I’ll try to do the best I can, But I fail you miserably. When life’s troubles come a knocking, And I am the devil’s prey, With weakened faith I stumble, And then I lose my way.

Try Jesus

By: Judy M. Reid Are you feeling down and out? Try Jesus; Heavy-laden with fear and doubt? Try Jesus; Ne’re you mind uproar and din, He can wash away your sin And will show you how to win-Try Jesus;

In your cell so dark and still, Try Jesus; If your life’s a fight uphill, Anger has seeped into my thoughts, Try Jesus; And ugly bitterness has consumed me. Even though you’re low and sad I have let my heart get into a shape, And the world should call you bad, That it should never be. There is joy that can be had--Try Jesus. I have been trying to climb out of the darkness, Happy Birthday All on my own. I keep falling back down, I cannot do it alone. Tanya Webster Vann Forgive me Lord for not trusting in you for so long.

May 11th

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18 The Roane Reader

Gardening

When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

Bible Mom Quotes

Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been!

David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: harp. We pay good money “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some for those lessons! lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time Abraham! Stop wandering to plant it?” around the countryside and The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards get home for supper! read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! I told you back garden. That is where I hid all the money.” never to play with fire! A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, You wouldn’t Cain! Get off your believe what happened: some men came with brother! You're going to shovels to the house, and dug up all the back kill him some day! garden.” Noah! No, you can't keep The prisoner wrote another letter back: them! I told you, don't “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the bring home any more lettuce.” strays! Grass is just a flower bed in waiting.

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By: Jerry Lemons

Al Sharpton

Where do I begin? I suppose the best place is at the beginning of Al Sharpton's career. He began making his living by being a sharpie bag boy for wrestling entertainment and various boxing enterprises. He ended up making a fortune from the wrestling and boxing business. Everything he touched seemed to turn to gold. He was a shyster and con artist from way back--at the beginning of his career. Somewhere along the line, Sharpton saw an opportunity to turn his talents to being a regular on tv. He began to develop and market the idea that he was a serious analyst--mainly in the political and social realm. He came on as a liberal journalist, and the liberals and leftists fell for it. He actually convinced them that he was a serious political analyst. The right wasn't fooled. The conservatives saw right through Sharpton from the beginning. Realizing that his fortunes and success lay with the liberal-leftist crowd, Sharpton let it be known in no uncertain terms that he was a black empowerment analyst. He began using the race card at every opportunity, invoking a false sense of guilt and shame in liberals and leftists. Perhaps his most blatant use of the race card was in the Duke University so-called rape case. He openly accused the white university students involved of being white racists who had been intent on taking as much advantage as they could on this poor defenseless black girl. Of course it turned out that the girl was a prostitute and a shyster and con artist in her own right. But that didn't stop Sharpton. The tactics he used in the so-called rape case were below despicable. When the rape case unraveled and fell apart, Sharpton--along with the New Black Panther Party which Sharpton had become partners with--didn't say a word. They slunk away and weren't heard from for a while. But Sharpton refuses to be silent for very long. He will defend blacks at every opportunity (even when they're in the wrong)--and always attack whites as being racists and "crackers," a term Sharpton uses quite often. Needless to say, Sharpton's tactics are deplored by right-minded people, and championed by liberals and leftists. In the course of his career, Sharpton has damaged and even destroyed peoples' lives. But this doesn't bother Sharpton. Fot, like Jessie Jackson, he has a "higher calling." To listen to Sharpton, his goal is to right wrongs done to the disadvantaged, and see that justice is done. The fact that he besmirches peoples' reputations and destroys peoples' lives means nothing to him. For he is only following his higher calling. One cannot help but believe that a time of reckoning is coming for Sharpton. He has simply done so much harm to so many people that his is coming. But if it happens, Sharpton will pretend to be a wounded warrior and determined to continue the righteous battle he is fighting for the poor and disadvantaged. Regardless of his political and social skills and savvy and his riches, Al Sharpton is a moron. He actually believes he can go on destroying reputations and hurting people without reaping his reward--that of retribution. Sharpton believes in what he does. He believes he is totally innocent and the whites are totally to blame for all the wrongs committed in the world. He attacks whites even when blacks are to blame. But his reward is coming. It will consist of Sharpton being totally discredited. But even when that happens, Sharpton will be saying "It's the crackers' fault." Al Sharpton is a true moron.

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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times." How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are? "My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my yard." Gardening requires a lot of water - most of it in the form of perspiration. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

May 2012

i r C u n s n i a m ' 201 i r r 2 Ha

Our First Lady?

19 The Roane Reader

"First lady Michelle Obama said she received jewelry on Valentine's Day. She said it wasnâ€™t anything extravagant because Barack tends to be responsible when he's spending his own money. Michelle said obesity is a national security threat because 1 in 4 young people are too overweight to join the military. Couldn't we just have a separate fat army to fight in countries that don't have hills? Michelle is hoping to put salad bars in 5,000 school cafeterias. They expect as many as 3 students to use them. Michelle finally got her husband to release his actual birth certificate, proving that he really was born in Hawaii, our 57th state. Q. What does Michelle call the most powerful Muslim in the world? A. The President of the United States. How does Michelle plan to make President Obama fix America's path to citizenship for illegal aliens? A. He's going to add high speed lanes. Q. What does Michelle and Barack call illegal aliens? A. Undocumented Democrats.

Description of Event: Cruisin' in Harriman is held the 2nd Saturday through the summer from 4 - 6:30 pm in Historic Downtown Harriman. Classic cars, street rods, and motorcycles line the street for viewing. There is also great music and food vendors as well as fun inflatables for the kids. No Admission Fee, this is a free event and registration is also free. Free Games for the whole family. Directions: Located off I-40, take the Harriman Exit #347 in Roane County, go north on Hwy 27 into downtown Harriman. The event is located on Roane Street (Hwy 27) in the center of town.

Michelle and Obama would frequently go the cemetery to register voters. One night he came across a grave so old and worn that he couldn't make out the name on the tombstone. Michelle, holding the flashlight, got impatient and suggested they just move on to the next plot. Obama angrily exclaimed, "This person has as much right to vote as anyone else here!"

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20 The Roane Reader 35th Installation Sq - (TAC) 3919th Installation Sq - (SAC)

RAF Fairford Air Base - Fairford, England

10 July 1960 - 4 February 1962 Chapter II PETE SEMANICK I had just returned to base from an emergency leave and signed in at the Orderly Room. The First Sergeant informed me that a short order reassignment was forthcoming and he thought it was for France. All the necessary paperwork was submitted regarding passports for family and myself. During my out-processing I was told that since the passports had not been received I could pick them up in New York prior to my departure to my overseas assignment. The day before I actually left Turner AFB I was given new assignment orders for England. Travel arrangements were quickly revised and off I went once again to the unknown. Fortunately I had a few days delay in travel due to en route furlough, so when I arrived in New York, sure enough the passports were waiting for me. It was an uneventful flight to London, followed by slow travel by bus to RAF Fairford Air Base. Entering the base gate, I saw unusual buildings for the first time: round tops with round sides that reached all the way to the ground on both sides. I soon learned these were Quonset or British Nissen huts, which were typical structures at all English built air bases. I was informed that I would be assigned temporary quarters in one of these “huts” until I could find permanent off-base quarters for my family. After carrying baggage into the hut, the first thing we saw was a medium sized pot-bellied stove in the middle of the room. This monstrosity was commonly referred to as the M-41 paraffin heater or oil stove in our language. Even in July, the weather in England can be quite chilly and this day was no exception. The first thing one of my 3 1/2 year old twin daughters did was run to the stove to warm her hands. The stove was set on low temperature and when she touched the unprotected hot side of the stove, she immediately pulled her hands away. I rushed her to the infirmary and she was treated and released with burns to both hands. From then on, it was “get near the stove, but don’t touch.” RAF Fairford was home base to the B-47 aircraft that supported the Strategic Air Command during the “Cold War” era. The fire stations were fairly modern with the structural station in the cantonment area and a nice crash station on the flight line. We had adequate fire vehicles and a full complement of fire fighters under the supervision of an exceptional leader, SMSgt Billy Ferrell (retired CMSgt).

(How much do you really know about the great state you live in?) 1. What was one of the major reasons for selecting the Oak Ridge area for atomic research? 2. What famous television personality helped found St. Jude's Children Hospital of Memphis in 1958? 3. How far below the earth's surface is Ruby Falls situated? 4. What is the lowest temperature ever recorded in Tennessee? 5. What is the state gem of Tennessee? 6. What is Tennessee's largest cash crop? 7. What mineral was mined for several years near Oliver Springs? 8. In what year was the atomic energy plant built in Oak Ridge? 9. What is the highest temperature ever recorded in Tennessee? 10. What lake in the northwestern part of the state was formed by earthquakes in the winter of 1811-1812?

(ANSWERS)

1. The abundant energy supply available through TVA. 2. Danny Thomas 3. 1,120 feet 4. -32 degrees (Dec. 30, 1917, Mountain City) 5. Natural pearls from the rivers of the state. 6. Soybeans 7. Salt 8. 1942 9. 113 degrees (August 9, 1940, Perryville) 10. Reelfoot

Happy BIRTHDAY

GLORIA WRIGHT May 9th

May 2012

mother’s day records

Tennessee Trivia

Youngest Mother The youngest mother whose history is authenticated is Lina Medina, who delivered a 6½-pound boy by cesarean section in Lima, Peru in 1939, at an age of 5 years and 7 months. The child was raised as her brother and only discovered that Lina was his mother when he was 10. Shortest Interval Between Two Children Jayne Bleackley is the mother who holds the record for the shortest interval between two children born in separate confinements. She gave birth to Joseph Robert on September 3, 1999, and Annie Jessica Joyce on March 30, 2000. The babies were born 208 days apart. Longest Interval Between Two Children Elizabeth Ann Buttle is the mother who holds the record for the longest interval between the birth of two children. She gave birth to Belinda on May 19,1956 and Joseph on November 20, 1997. The babies were born 41 years 185 days apart. The mother was 60 years old when her son Joseph was born. Highest Recorded Number of Children The highest officially recorded number of children born to one mother is 69, to the first wife of Feodor Vassilyev (1707-1782) of Shuya, Russia. Between 1725 and 1765, in a total of 27 confinements, she gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, seven sets of triplets, and four sets of quadruplets. 67 of them survived infancy. Highest Number of Children in Modern Times The modern world record for giving birth is held by Leontina Albina from San Antonio, Chile. Leontina claims to be the mother of 64 children, of which only 55 of them are documented. She is listed in the 1999 Guinness World Records but dropped from later editions.

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May 2012

A General Review of Chris Cawood's Books by Jerry Lemons

Chris Cawood is one of the most versatile writers I know. He has written a number of books, and each one is different and unique. From How to Live to Be 100 (and Enjoy It!) to Legacy of the Swamp Rat, Mr. Cawood is one of the most entertaining and talented writers I've read in the past twenty years. My favorite book of his is 1998: The Year of the Beast. I'm partial to it because a great deal of the book takes place in New Orleans, a place I lived and worked in 1990-'91. I've read the book three times, and even given the fact that it's a murder mystery and I know "who did it," I still enjoy reading it occasionally because it evokes New Orleans to me. Another one of Mr. Cawood's books that is a favorite of mine is Tennessee's Coal Creek War. There's a particular kind of pleasure in reading a work that you know is basically true, i.e., based on fact, but it's been "fiction-enhanced." Call it a nonfiction novel or historical novel or whatever. Numerous novelists and story writers have taken an actual event and enhanced or elaborated on it. Tolstoy did it with Anna Karenina; Hugo did it with Les Miserables; Truman Capote with In Cold Blood; and Norman Mailer did it with The Executioner's Song. In Tennessee's Coal Creek War, Chris Cawood has taken an actual but little-known series of incidents which occurred in Anderson County and has transformed and brought them to life. Carp is, I think, Mr. Cawood's most adventurous book. It involves a character who is disillusioned with life, so he takes his dog and goes on his houseboat on a trip on the Tennessee River. Legacy of the Swamp Rat is the story of certain Tennessee quarterbacks--the "gunslinger type"--who quarterbacked UT teams to some of its most exciting seasons. How to Live to 100 (and Enjoy It!) is a joy to read. It's inspiring to read of all these people who were 100--or close to it--and how they reached that age. I suppose this would be considered Mr. Cawood's most realistic work. After reading "How to Live...", one is left with a sense of wonderment and fascination that there were and are so many people who lived in east Tennessee who lived to be 100. They probably witnessed more changes than any other generation. And most of them accepted the changes and embraced them. There is one work by Mr. Cawood that I have not been able to obtain and read. It concerns a man who goes upstairs in a courthouse and starts firing away at people. Knowing Chris Cawood's writing, I imagine this is a top-notch psychological thriller and study. Mr. Cawood has a way of pulling the reader in on the very first page and captivating and making the reader forget the outside world while he or she is reading the writer's work. A good writer will make one accept his or her work as reality, and Mr. Cawood does just that. East Tennessee is fortunate to have Chris Cawood as one of its best writers. I can't think of anyone who matches him in versatility and just plain good writing. Mr. Cawood has written books that cannot be matched in this region for mystery and suspense and history. I think he's the best contemporary writer in any genre in east Tennessee. And he writes in plain English! with little symbolism and no "magical" realism or alternative realities. Put quite simply, Chris Cawood is one of the best contemporary writers.

21 The Roane Reader

In Honor of Mother's Day "A little mother/daughter advice "

1. Know the names of your child’s dolls and stuffed animals. Ask her to tell you stories about them. 2. Watch how she talks to her dolls and stuffed animals. You'll learn how you're talking to her. 3. Pop a big bowl of popcorn, sit down with her and watch Cinderella for the 63rd time. 4. Be her mother. Not her best friend. 5. Be a good wife. You're shaping her future relationships with men. 6. Start now to be the kind of mother you always wanted to be. Don't wait until she's eighteen. 7. Crank up the stereo and show her how to boogie. 8. Keep in mind she's always watching you: how you care for your family, how you worship, how you handle life. 9. Teach her to write thank-you notes for everything. 10. Encourage her to spend time with her grandmother. For some strange reason, they'll get along just fine. 11. If she doesn't see a problem with the length of her shorts or skirts, suggest she model them in front of her father. 12. Learn her lingo. *dating* a boy in middle school might mean she talks to him in science class. 13. Stress God early in her life. Don't wait until high school and she's in trouble to insist she go to church every week. 14. Sometimes, all you can do is be there. Without words. 15. Teach her to win honorably, And to lose with grace. 16. Tell her to find a boy who won't think a date to church is weird. 17. Teach her to never tolerate bad behavior from a boy or a man. 18. Teach her that a really kind person is never forgotten. 19. When a boy breaks her heart; curiously, you'll find yours in pieces too. 20. Explain to her father that hiring a hit man isn't an option.

“Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.”-Oscar Wilde

I was sad because I had no shoes until I went to the bowling alley and saw what kind of shoes they rent.

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22 The Roane Reader

Preparation for Parenthood

May 2012

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for potential parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father. 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a bathrobe and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time. 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it -- it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers. 3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5 p.m. to 10 p.m. carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds. At 10 p.m. put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at midnight and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1 a.m. Put the alarm on for 3 a.m. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2 a.m. and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 a.m. Get up again at 3 a.m. when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4 a.m. Put the alarm on for 5 a.m. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. 4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look? 5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First, buy an octopus and a drawstring bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed: all morning. 6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee. 7. Forget the Miata and buy a Plymouth Voyager. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect. 8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk. 9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times. 10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children. 11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy cereal and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the cereal is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month-old baby. 12. Learn the names of every character from Blue's Clues, Barney the Dinosaur and Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. When you find yourself singing "I Love You, You Love Me" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

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Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?' 'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him. “All the food was slow.” “C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?' “It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained! 'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it. By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it : Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died. My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 4. It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people. I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie. When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung n down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had. We didn't have a car until I was 4. It was an old black Dodge. I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line. Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was. All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6 a.m. every morning. On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day. Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive. If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

How to Wash Bed Sheets

The key to keeping bedding clean is to know how to clean it. It's important to follow the manufacturer's care instructions, but if you aren't familiar with them, then follow these tips to clean everything from sheets to comforters: Wash them in hot soapy water and let dry completely in the dryer. Don't wash them with clothes as it might damage the sheets or cause them to become fuzzy. If the sheets have a stain, tend to it before washing. For a natural way to brighten white sheets, add a quarter of a cup of lemon juice to the wash and wash with warm water. Use medium or low setting when washing or drying. High heat can cause the fibers to weaken, which can lead to rips and tears. Ball your sheets up when you put them in the washer. This will prevent them from stretching out and losing shape.

May 2012

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