Being BoJack Horseman

Being BoJack Horseman by Jov Ortua Almero

jortuaalmero@gmail.com

COLD OPEN

INT. CASTING ROOM - DAY Audition Table with two casting directors: a preppy male manatee and a cougar.

Preppy Male Manatee is fiddling with his whiskers.

Cougar is twirling a pen between her middle and index fingers. Seductive eyes. Sultry voice.

COUGAR Tell us a story.

We meet Chris Christensen, an aspiring actor. Pretty. Bulky.

White. Human.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN A story?

PREPPY MALE MANATEE Yes, a story.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Any story?

COUGAR Yes, dear. Any story.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Like when I passed gas into a paper bag back in junior high and sniffed it, too?

Casting directors look at each other, confused.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN (CONT'D) Or when I waited for Barzebra Streisand and she tipped me a $1000?

COUGAR Whatever you feel will get us interested. Whatever you think will make you interesting.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Hmmm...interesting.

PREPPY MALE MANATEE It's all up to you-(checks Chris's details on a paper) Chris.

2.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN All up to me huh?

COUGAR Yes, it's all up to you, dear. Just convince us that you're the best aspiring actor slash wait staff for this job.

PREPPY MALE MANATEE Convince us you're not some basic Chris. That you have something new to add to the whole Chris culture.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN So you want me to tell you a random story that'll make me more interesting than I actually am.

PREPPY MALE MANATEE Exactly.

COUGAR For sure.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Got it.

Preppy Male Manatee is now tapping Cougar's pen on the table. Cougar is now playing with Preppy Male Manatee's whiskers.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN (CONT'D) My Aunt-COUGAR We don't want to hear about your aunt.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN It's not just about my aunt. It's about me, too.

Casting directors look at each other, confused.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN (CONT'D) My aunt used to live in... (long pause) PREPPY MALE MANATEE Where?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN My aunt used to live in... (another long pause) COUGAR Where?

3.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN My aunt used to live in-PREPPY MALE MANATEE Where?

COUGAR Where?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Des Moines.

OPENING CREDITS

ACT 1

INT. HALLWAY - DAY We meet Diane delos Santos, a first generation feline from the Felinepines. She is a pageant title holder turned full time waitress.

Diane chews gum like a recovering something. She is reading a book.

The Handmaid's Tail by Margaret Catwood.

Diane is seated in one of those sit-here-and-wait-for-your-turn kind of chairs. Only she's not waiting for her turn.

Next to Diane is the last aspiring actor waiting for his audition. He's pretty. Bulky. White. Human.

Aspiring actor turns to Diane, extends a hand: ASPIRING ACTOR Hi, I'm Chris Christianson. How do you do?

Diane ignores him. Chris Christianson is not easily dissuaded.

He waits for his handshake.

CHRIS CHRISTIANSON Hi, I'm Chris Christianson. What do you do?

Diane sighs. She shuts her book, turns to her interrupter, takes his proffered hand.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Diane delos Santos. Wait staff.

4.

Diane goes back to The Handmaid's Tail. Chris Christianson pursues conversation.

CHRIS CHRISTIANSON And? DIANE DELOS SANTOS And...what?

CHRIS CHRISTIANSON And...what's the end game? After waiting tables I mean.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS None.

CHRIS CHRISTIANSON No plans of becoming an actor?

DIANE DELOS SANTOS None.

CHRIS CHRISTIANSON A recording artist?

DIANE DELOS SANTOS None.

CHRIS CHRISTIANSON A writer?

DIANE DELOS SANTOS No. Nope. None. I wait tables.

That's it. That's the plan. That's the end game.

Chris Christensen emerges from the casting room.

Chris Christianson is summoned by Cougar. He stands, walks toward the door.

Before Chris Christianson disappears behind the door, he takes one last look at Diane.

CHRIS CHRISTIANSON Good luck.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS I'd say the same to you but I'm sure you would not need it.

Diane stands and hugs Chris Christensen, her boyfriend.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN What was that about?

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Nothing.

5.

INT. ELEVATOR LOBBY - DAY Chris Christensen and Diane wait for an elevator, holding hands. The latter's mouth is still chewing gum.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS How did it go?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN It went okay.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS How did you do?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN I did okay.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS I waited for you for three hours and all I get is okay?

Beat.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN They made me tell a story.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS A story?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Yes, a story.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS What kind of story?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Any story.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS So what story did you tell?

Elevator arrives. They hop on.

INT. ELEVATOR - DAY Still holding hands.

Diane's gum is now in Chris Christensen's mouth. He chews gum like an anxious teenager.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS You have an aunt in Des Moines?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Of course I do. Haven't I told you?

DIANE DELOS SANTOS I would remember if you did.

6.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Really? I haven't?

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Yes, you haven't.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN I think I have.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Okay, you win. You've told me. I forgot. Now remind me. Please.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN So, my aunt used to live in...uh...hmmm...Des Moines. I remember, she used to come home-DIANE DELOS SANTOS Come home where?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Our family's originally from Nebraska, remember? (pause) So, my aunt used to live in Des Moines. She used to come home and tell us-DIANE DELOS SANTOS Us, meaning?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Me and my brothers.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS I thought you were an only son?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN When I say brothers I mean neighbors I was really close to we treated each other like brothers.

Can you please let me finish my story? (pause) So, she used to come home and tell us these stories about being in, you know, Des Moines, and I remember she told us that she jumped into the river-DIANE DELOS SANTOS There's a river in Des Moines?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Of course there's a river in Des Moines. There's a river everywhere.

(MORE)

7.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN (cont'd) (pause) Do you want to hear the rest of the story or not?

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Sure.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN So, my aunt used to live in Des Moines.

I remember, she used to come home and tell us these stories about being in, you know, Des Moines, and I remember she told us that she jumped into the river-DIANE DELOS SANTOS Barefoot.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN (CONT'D) Barefoot.

Diane releases her hand from Chris Christensen's.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS (CONT'D) I know this story.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN See? I've told you about it before.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS You must be kidding me.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Why would I be kidding with you?

And how come you're suddenly so incredulous? And what's up with this elevator? We've been here too long.

Chris Christensen starts randomly pressing the floor selection buttons. No use. It is jammed.

Elevator is stuck.

They are trapped.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN (CONT'D) Jesus freakin' Chris.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS What was the word you used before?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Which word?

DIANE DELOS SANTOS The big one.

8.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN How big.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Four syllables BIG. CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Incredulous?

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Do you know what it means?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Sure. Sometimes I read your stuff when you're not around.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS I bet you do. (pause) So what does it mean?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Incredulous? Ummm. Let's see. It's like, when...ummm...when someone does not believe, or...ummm...won't or can't believe something. Is it really that big of a word though?

Diane delos Santos is turned on. She jumps her boyfriend.

ELEVATOR SEX. INT. ELEVATOR LOBBY - DAY This lobby is empty. Also, eerie.

Elevator doors open.

Chris Christensen and Diane hop off. They feel the eeriness of the place.

They roam around the lobby, through the hallways. No one.

Nothing.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Where are we?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN I need to use the bathroom.

INT. BATHROOM - DAY Chris Christensen enters the bathroom. He checks himself in the sink mirror, wets his fingers under the faucet, run them through his hair.

He proceeds to one of the urinals.

9.

He stands in front of a urinal. Nothing happens. He tries harder. Still, nothing. He changes his mind.

He goes to the cubicle farthest from the door. He unbuckles his belt, pulls down his pants, and sits on the toilet bowl.

After a while...

ROLL OF TOILET PAPER --hanging from a toilet paper holder on the wall, way out of reach from the toilet bowl. Chris Christensen tries to reach for a wad of toilet paper while precariously keeping his balance on the toilet bowl.

Struggle is real.

His fingers reach the toilet paper. They pull too strongly.

Too strongly that the holder gets detached from the wall and falls on the floor alongside the toilet paper.

The roll of toilet paper rolls even farther away from Chris Christensen. He ruminates, quite incredulous at what just happened.

Chris Christensen notices a hole on the wall behind where the toilet paper used to be.

Chris Christensen is intrigued.

Chris Christensen searches for something in his pockets. He finds it. A piece of folded paper, which he unfolds.

A monologue: CHRIS CHRISTENSEN (V.O.) To be, or not to be, that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles And by opposing end them. To die--to sleep, No more; and by a sleep to say we end The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks (MORE)

10.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN (V.O.) (cont'd) That flesh is heir to: 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep; To sleep, perchance to dream--ay, there's the rub: For in that sleep of death what dreams may come, When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause--there's the respect That makes calamity of so long life.

Chris Christensen uses the monologue, which he was not able to use at his audition, to wipe his ass. He stands from the toilet bowl, zips up, buckles his belt.

He steps toward the hole. He leans against the wall, brings his head closer to the gaping space.

Slowly, gently, he looks into the hole.

He finds himself inside BoJack Horseman's head.

ACT II

INT. PRINCESS CAROLYN'S OFFICE - DAY BoJack Horseman's POV: Princess Carolyn behind her desk. On the desk: a screenplay manuscript.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN (V.O.) Moo, Myself and I by Cowdy Shepherd.

11.

PRINCESS CAROLYN This, this is the part that could finally earn you an honest-to-goodness nomination from the Academy. This right here could even win you one of those Oscars!

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S) I doubt that. These characters are not exactly popular with the Academy.

PRINCESS CAROLYN They weren't before. But things have changed.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) Changed? How? PRINCESS CAROLYN DI-versity! Haven't you heard of that word? I can't believe you're actually missing out on these buzzwords. These buzzwords are fishin' important.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) I've heard of diversity. And I know what it means. That's exactly why I do not want to play this part.

PRINCESS CAROLYN Wait, what? Please explain your seemingly absurd reasoning for my benefit.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) I'm a horse. Not a cow.

PRINCESS CAROLYN And? BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) I can't play a cow.

PRINCESS CAROLYN Why the hell not?

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) Because cow roles should go to cow actors.

PRINCESS CAROLYN Is that so?

12.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) Yes. That's how it is. Or how it should be. Otherwise, it's problematic.

PRINCESS CAROLYN Problematic? Where'd you learn that word? Diane?

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) Correct. And I respect Diane's judgment when it comes to these things. (pause) Playing a cow role if you happen to be a horse is problematic.

PRINCESS CAROLYN But that's your thing, BoJack.

Being problematic is your thing. No one does it better than you do. Why deprive the public of your gift?

Depriving the public of your gift, now that's problematic.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) I appreciate your passive aggressive brand of flattery or your weirdly compassionate take on an insult Princess Carolyn, but, I'm a horse and I refuse to moo.

Horses neigh. I am horse. So I'mma neigh. I'mma neigh-PRINCESS CAROLYN Whatever happened to the art and science and bullshit of acting, BoJack?

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) Acting is about truth.

PRINCESS CAROLYN Acting is about acting. You had no qualms about playing a fishin' police detective before and you were quite good at it. Is it just me or am I correct in my belief that you've never been a real police detective all your life?

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) That was an entirely different-(clears throat) Case.

PRINCESS CAROLYN How was it different?

13.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) Not really sure here. But I think it's different because, well, for one thing, police detectives are, well, they're such pricks, don't you agree? And I'm a bit of a prick myself, so I guess that was all right.

PRINCESS CAROLYN I can't see your point, Bojack. In fact, if your point were a pedestrian crossing the street I would drive my hybrid car straight through them and smash them into smithereens and stay blissfully clueless that I'd turned into a homicidal maniac.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) Point taken. Still, you can't convince me to bullshit moviegoers by pretending to be a cow. I'm a freakin' horse! There's no getting around that.

PRINCESS CAROLYN If what you mean is from now on horse actors should only play horse roles and cow roles should only be played by cow actors, then what happens to Meryl Stripe? (dramatic pause) Oscar juggernaut Meryl Stripe? (dramatic pause) Cinema's most revered Western Bongo Meryl Stripe? (dramatic pause) You mean to say she should start producing documentaries about herself so she could play herself and have her work aired on Animal Planet and not be problematic?

Isn't that a waste of immense talent?

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) Meryl Stripe's business is her business. I'm only concerned about BoJack's business.

PRINCESS CAROLYN Well then this is not about equal opportunity. This is horse's pride we're dealing with.

14.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) Think what you wish, Princess Carolyn. But I maintain my take on this matter. Moo, Myself and I's lead should be played by a cow.

PRINCESS CAROLYN Okay. Give me a name. Come on.

Pitch me a cow actor who could give justice to this role and bring people to theaters.

BoJack Horseman thinks.

He is deep in thought.

His thoughts take a while to process.

His thoughts are high-jacked by Princess Carolyn's exasperated voice.

PRINCESS CAROLYN (CONT'D) EX-actly! We don't have a lot of cow actors around. Or at least not a lot of cow actors with the kind of resume that you have.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) And by my resume you mean what?

PRINCESS CAROLYN Two hit TV shows. An Oscar nomination thanks to the joint stupidity of Todd and Mr. Peanutbutter. Everybody knows who you are. Everybody loves BoJack Horseman.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) Not everybody.

PRINCESS CAROLYN Of course not everybody. That's hyperbole. But who gives a fish?

You're the only one who can sell this movie.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) So it's not even about my talent.

It's about selling the movie. (pause) Profit motive sucks.

PRINCESS CAROLYN Don't you dare go there, BoJack.

What, you're Slavhorse Zizek all of a sudden? You can't be a Hollywoo commoonist. That's an oxymoron.

15.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) Where did that come from? I don't claim to be a commoonist. You have to be a cow to be a commoonist. You have to be a cow to be a Moorxist.

I'm a horse for Zizek's sake!

PRINCESS CAROLYN So what are you, a fishin' socialist?

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) Are those things even different?

PRINCESS CAROLYN How should I know? I'm a Felayn Rand girl myself.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) I knew it.

PRINCESS CAROLYN Oh cut it out, BoJack Horseman.

Take the manuscript. (lifts the manuscript from the table, hands it to BoJack) Read it. Sure you already know what the story is about but you haven't actually read the script. Reading the script might-BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) I'm going to take this manuscript for the sake of artistic speculation. (takes the script from Princess Carolyn) But I'm not making any assurance.

PRINCESS CAROLYN No assurance necessary.

A phone rings.

INT. BATHROOM - DAY Chris Christensen's phone is ringing. He answers: DIANE DELOS SANTOS What's taking you so long?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN You won't believe what I found.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Your aunt?

16.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN No. She died in Des Moines!

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Sure.

LATER Diane delos Santos enters the cubicle. She sees Chris Christensen peeking into the hole.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS What is this about?

Chris Christensen stands. He sits on the toilet bowl, points at the hole.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS (CONT'D) Is this the first time you've seen a glory hole?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Is that what it's called?

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Yes. How are you liking it so far?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN I don't know. I'm not sure. It's the weirdest thing I've experienced. Ever.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Weird? Yeah, you can call it that.

You can also call it creepy.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN I can't even start to explain it.

Like, what kind of genius invented this hole?

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Not a genius I'm sure. More like a pervert.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN It's really something, Diane. You must check it out.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Thanks, but no thanks.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN It's a portal.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Portal to what?

17.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN To BoJack Horseman's head.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS I've always known that guy's a pervert.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Come on, go for it.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Uh, no, I'm okay.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN But why? Have you tried this before?

DIANE DELOS SANTOS No. (pause) Yes. (pause) Well, maybe?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Really? Where? Did you like it?

DIANE DELOS SANTOS I hated it. Not exactly keen on giving it another try.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Why not? I liked it. I can even say I love it.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Well, that's news to me. I'm cool with it, though. You can be as queer as you like.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN It's queer, indeed. So strange. You should give it another try.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS No glory hole for me today thank you very much.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Don't you want to see into BoJack Horseman's head?

DIANE DELOS SANTOS See into BoJack Horseman's head?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Yes. You peep into that hole, you get in his head.

18.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS In his head? Not around his head?

Or on his head? Or give him head?

Are we confusing our wordings here?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN In his head, Diane. He was just talking with that famous manager about some character he's supposed to play.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Wait, what?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN There's this movie script. It's called Moo, Myself and I. They were arguing whether BoJack should take the lead role or not.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS What have you been smoking?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Nothing.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Snorted? Injected? Swallowed?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Nothing! I've only been chewing this gum from your mouth. I'm completely sober. But this hole's wack.

Chris Christensen leaves the toilet bowl, bends down near the hole. Diane delos Santos sits on the toilet bowl, resumes reading The Handmaid's Tail.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS I'll just wait here till you come down from whatever it is you're high on.

Chris Christensen looks into the hole.

INT. BOJACK HORSEMAN'S HOUSE - DAY BoJack Horseman's POV: Todd is seated in front of BoJack. Moo, Myself and I on his hands.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) I'm ready.

TODD Here goes.

(MORE)

19.

TODD (cont'd) (pause) Moo, Myself and I written by Cowdy Shepherd. Interior. Big Concert Venue. Night. Cowntry singer Moody McGraw, 40ish, is on stage. He is seated on a high stool, acoustic guitar slung around his torso. He looks straight at the camera for a long time. A long, long time.

AFTER FOUR HOURS TODD (CONT'D) The end.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) Wow. Todd hands the manuscript back to BoJack.

TODD Whew.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) So, what do you think?

TODD What do I think? Well, that's the many-est words I've read in my entire life within a four-hour span. Now I think I need to stuff my gut with beer and burrito.

Adios, amigo.

LATER There's a bowl of cereals, a bottle of beer, and a laptop in front of BoJack.

He is on a video call with Hollyhock.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) So, what do you think?

HOLLYHOCK I think there are both pros and cons.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) Spill.

HOLLYHOCK Where do you want me to start, the pros or the cons?

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) Let's start with something positive.

20.

HOLLYHOCK Okay, let's see. This is a project that will surely challenge your acting chops, test your artistry in ways it's never been tested before.

You will be playing a tragic figure that is both sympathetic and repulsive. A real-life dogged, or should I say determooned, character who achieved his dreams against all odds only to quickly meet his demise thereafter, which is both aspirational and cautionary.

Needless to say, it's quite a meaty part. It's probably the meatiest part you'll ever get to play. Even meatier than The Secretariat.

There's just so much meat here. I mean, meat all over. I'm not even horsin' around. But. There's a but. (dramatic pause) It's cow meat. And that's the con, too.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) That's the con?

HOLLYHOCK Yes, that's the con.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) I thought you had cons.

HOLLYHOCK I stand corrected and I'm sorry.

But that's it. That's the con. I've only got one con.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) Just one? Really? I can take more cons.

HOLLYHOCK BoJack, sometimes, a con is enough.

BoJack mulls over a con is enough. He takes a spoonful of cereals, chases it with beer.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) What should I do then?

HOLLYHOCK Just follow your heart, BoJack.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) If you were BoJack, what would you do?

21.

HOLLYHOCK If I were BoJack, I would follow my heart.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) If you were BoJack, what would your heart say?

HOLLYHOCK My heart would say: BoJack, follow your own heart. Trust it. Run with it. And don't look back.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) Helpful. Very helpful.

A big fart.

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT Chris Christensen stands. A man racked by a sudden realization.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Sorry, that was me. I had Mexican food earlier. Does it smell? Is it bad? Maybe I should stop eating Mexican. I'm Felinepino for Pedro's sake.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN I forgot something.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS What now?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN I pooped earlier and failed to wash my hands. Got too excited with this hole. How disgusting of me.

Chris Christensen leaves the cubicle for the toilet sink.

Now Diane delos Santos is alone with the hole.

The hole seems to beckon her closer. She tries to resist the pull of the hole.

To no avail.

Slowly, furtively, Diane draws herself closer to the hole.

She looks into it.

INT. JAZZ BAR - NIGHT A three-part jazz band is playing.

Diane Nguyen and BoJack Horseman at the bar, drinking.

22.

BoJack Horseman's POV: DIANE NGUYEN I can give you three reasons why you should pass on this role.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) Shoot.

DIANE NGUYEN Number three: if you accept this role, it's downright horsewashing.

You see, not a lot of meaty cow roles come by. Unlike horse parts which are basically a dime a dozen.

You even had an entire show built around, well, horsing around. Now do you remember a show in the history of television where there's a cow lead and don't you dare mention C.S.I Mooiami because that show was misleading as hell. True, there were lots of cows on that deadbeat excuse for a procedural but they were either quickly butchered or were already dead. Now there's this prestige project with a cow lead, based on a real-life cowntry singer no less, and you want to steal the part from cow actors? We are about to have a a major breakthrough in cow representation and you want to cow block such a breakthrough? That's a dick move. A big, horse, dick move.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) Point taken. Next.

DIANE NGUYEN Number two: you've enjoyed horse privilege for so long. You've enjoyed it without acknowledging it. You've enjoyed it at the expense of others getting shortchanged. If you use your horse privilege now and consequently deprive a worthy cow actor the chance to play a meaty part, it will be the last and final straw that'll get you cancelledt. That's cancelledt with a T. Which brings me to my number one reason.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) I'm listening.

23.

DIANE NGUYEN BoJack Horseman, you are not a singer. You don't even like to sing. I have not heard you sing.

Not once. Now you're seriously considering playing this real-life cowntry singer on screen? If you fuck this up because you're tone deaf or something it will be the end of your career.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) Finished?

DIANE NGUYEN Yes, sir.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) Is it my turn to talk?

DIANE NGUYEN By all means.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) First and foremost, I do like to sing. I'm just a normal guy. I, too, sing in the shower. (long pause) DIANE NGUYEN And? BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) And, what?

DIANE NGUYEN That's it? That's your counterargument?

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) Well, yeah. I haven't really given the whole thing much thought yet.

DIANE NGUYEN I gave you three impassioned reasons and your response is I like to sing.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) Because I do.

DIANE NGUYEN Sure. Now what I'll do is get a pen and a paper, write the title of a song, give the paper to one of the wait staff, ask them to relay it to the band so the band could invite you to join them. Consider this your audition.

24.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (O.S.) Don't you dare, Diane Nguyen.

DIANE NGUYEN Touche.

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT Diane delos Santos's face against the hole.

Chris Christensen's face behind Diane's.

They are both on their knees.

Diane turns to Chris.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS I know where that jazz bar is.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN You know a lot of things, Diane.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS We should go there.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN What do you mean go there?

DIANE DELOS SANTOS I mean exactly what go there means.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Isn't that stalking, though?

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Isn't that what we've been doing here?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Is that so? (pause) Why do you want to go there anyway?

DIANE DELOS SANTOS I've always been a fan of Diane Nguyen's writing. I want to meet her.

Chris Christensen spits out the gum to his hand. He flattens the gum over the hole to hide BoJack Horseman's head from other would-be intruders.

ACT III

25.

INT. CAR STUCK IN L.A. TRAFFIC - NIGHT Chris Christensen behind the wheel. Diane in the passenger's seat.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN You seem nervous.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS I'm not. I'm thinking.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN What are you thinking about?

DIANE DELOS SANTOS A scene.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN What scene?

DIANE DELOS SANTOS A musical scene.

CHRIS CHRISTOPHERSON A musical scene?

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Yes, a musical scene on this freeway.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN That's stupid.

Diane stares at her boyfriend. Her fondness replaced with contempt.

Chris Christensen is oblivious to Diane's seething resentment.

EXT. JAZZ BAR - NIGHT Chris Christensen and Diane delos Santos try to get into the bar. They are held up by two Door Dolphins who point them to the end of a long line. They begrudgingly follow the Door Dolphins' order.

Diane's attention is caught by a cattle man with big frizzy hair. The cattle man is walking toward their direction.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Oh my God, it's Charlie Calfman.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Charlie who?

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Calfman. Charlie Calfman. He wrote The Eternal Sunshine of the (MORE)

26.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS (cont'd) Spotless Dalmatian. Haven't you seen it?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Is it a dog food commercial?

DIANE DELOS SANTOS No. CHRIS CHRISTENSEN A euthanasia commercial?

DIANE DELOS SANTOS No! CHRIS CHRISTENSEN A dog crate comm--oh my God, it's Mr. Peanutbutter!

Mr. Peanutbutter is hopping off his Maserati parked right in front of the jazz bar's entrance.

Chris Christensen runs to Mr. Peanutbutter.

Chris panting in front of the eternally unperturbed Mr. Peanutbutter: CHRIS CHRISTENSEN (CONT'D) Mr. Peanutbutter... (catches his breath) I am your biggest fan.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER And I am very much flattered.

Chris Christensen takes his phone out, snaps a selfie with Mr. Peanutbutter.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Mr. Peanutbutter, you are such an inspiration. Because of you us aspiring actors do not lose hope and-Diane interrupts Chris Christensen's ass kissing: DIANE DELOS SANTOS Mr. Peanutbutter, could you help me and my boyfriend here get inside?

By the way, I share your ex-wife's name. I'm a Diane, too.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER You're a Diane, too?

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Yes, me too.

27.

Mr. Peanutbutter's face betrays confusion, which thankfully lasts for only a couple of seconds.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER Why not? Come and follow my lead you young lovers.

Chris Christensen is impressed with Diane's initiative and ingenuity. They follow Mr. Peanutbutter into the jazz bar.

INT. JAZZ BAR - CONTINUOUS Past the Door Dolphins: MR. PEANUTBUTTER Okay kids, I'll leave you two alone. I have an important business to attend to and her name is Pickles Aplenty.

CUT TO: PICKLES APLENTY ALONE AT A TABLE FOR TWO, LOOKING FABULOUSLY BORED. Back to scene CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Thank you, Mr. Peanutbutter. You were as awesome as I had expected and I will never forget your kindness and I promise to forever-Diane stamps against Chris Christensen's foot. Chris Christensen lets out a yelp.

Mr. Peanutbutter walks away from Chris Christensen and Diane, towards Pickles Aplenty.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN (CONT'D) What the--?

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Diane's gone.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN I see. What now?

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Let's just go home.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Go home? After all that?

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Do you want to stay?

28.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN We're already here. Might as well meet BoJack.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS I'm not really a fan.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Me neither. But it would be cool to get close to a legit celebrity, don't you think? This place is like a celebrity zoo, can't you see?

A quick and smashing survey of present celebrities: Matt and Ben wearing shirts labeled Matt and Ben, respectively; Steven Spielbug; Rihanna glamorously holding a wine glass; and Meryl Stripe, among others.

Back to scene: DIANE DELOS SANTOS Is that what you really want to do?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Aside from going home, I don't think we have a lot of options here.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS Sure.

LATER Chris Christensen and Diane are now seated on either side of BoJack Horseman. Each nursing a cocktail.

LATER Drunken BoJack Horseman starts a monologue: BOJACK HORSEMAN I don't know what to do. (pause) On the one hand I want to play a meaty role. Something far removed from who I am. On the other hand, I do not want to be a big, major, horse dick. (pause) All my life I've enjoyed horse privilege. Now it's come back to haunt me. (pause) What a privileged concern this is. (pause) I'm such a horse dick.

BoJack notices Chris Christensen for the first time. He reaches out a hand. They share a handshake.

29.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (CONT'D) BoJack Horseman.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN I know who you are, BoJack Horseman. Chris Christensen's my name.

BOJACK HORSEMAN Chris Christensen. That's a good Hollywoo name.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Thank you, sir.

BOJACK HORSEMAN So what's your story, Chris Christensen?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN What's my story?

BOJACK HORSEMAN Yes, what's your story?

Chris Christensen and Diane delos Santos exchange looks.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN You want me to tell you my story?

BOJACK HORSEMAN Yes, that's exactly what I asked you to do, to tell me your story.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Any story?

BOJACK HORSEMAN Any story.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Sure. (pause) So, my aunt-BOJACK HORSEMAN I bet your aunt is pretty.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Yes, she is. (pause) So, my aunt used to live in Des Moines.

BOJACK HORSEMAN I've never been to Des Moines.

30.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN It's the capital city of Iowa. (pause) So, my aunt used to live in Des Moines. I remember, she used to come home and tell us these stories about being in, you know, Des Moines-BOJACK HORSEMAN I should visit Des Moines.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Yes, you should. It's not Paris, but, it's a beautiful city. (pause) So, my aunt used to live in Des Moines. I remember, she used to come home and tell us these stories about being in, you know, Des Moines, and I remember she told us that she jumped into the river-DIANE DELOS SANTOS Shut up!

Diane delos Santos squeezes herself between Chris Christensen and BoJack Horseman.

Pissed, she points a finger to her soon-to-be ex-boyfriend.

DIANE DELOS SANTOS (CONT'D) Your aunt did not live in Des Moines. She does not exist. She could not have jumped into any river either. Because there's no river. That's all make believe. (pause) You read my manuscript. I specifically told you to stay away from my laptop. But you couldn't help it, could you? You read the musical that I wrote and now it's your story? News flash: it's not your story! Meow Meow Land is my story! It's not yours to tell!

Diane delos Santos storms out.

BOJACK HORSEMAN What was that about?

Chris Christensen shrugs it off. His phone rings.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Hello? (listens)

31.

After the call, Chris Christensen jumps up and down. He gives BoJack Horseman a tight hug and long wet kisses on both cheeks.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN (CONT'D) I got the part.

LATER BoJack Horseman and Chris Christensen are smashed. Their speech, slurred.

BOJACK HORSEMAN So this part you got, what is it about?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN It's a series. An adaptation of this book. The book's about cowboys.

BOJACK HORSEMAN Are you a cowboy?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN No, sir.

BOJACK HORSEMAN Have you ever been a cowboy?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Never. I like wearing flannel shirts and cowboy boots, though.

BOJACK HORSEMAN I bet those look good on you.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Right on. So, so these cowboys.

There are two cowboys, you see. I will play one of the cowboys. These cowboys, they're kind of into each other.

BOJACK HORSEMAN Gay cowboys?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Right, right. Gay cowboys.

BOJACK HORSEMAN Are you gay?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN No, sir.

BOJACK HORSEMAN Have you ever been gay?

32.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN I don't think so.

BOJACK HORSEMAN Will you ever be gay?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN I don't know. How would anyone know?

BOJACK HORSEMAN Come closer.

Chris Christensen moves closer to BoJack Horseman.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (CONT'D) Closer.

Chris Christensen moves even closer. Until his face is just an inch away from BoJack's.

BoJack Horseman plants a long wet kiss on Chris Christensen's mouth.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (CONT'D) How'd you feel?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Definitely not gay.

BOJACK HORSEMAN You've got anything against gays?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Of course not. It's just that I'm too straight. I wish I were gay though. Even just a little. Are you a little gay, BoJack Horseman?

BOJACK HORSEMAN Not gay either. Not even a little.

But you know what? I wish I were a cow.

LATER BoJack Horseman is almost passed out.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN BoJack?

BOJACK HORSEMAN What?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN I think you should pass on the Moo, Myself and I project. Moody Harrelson could do it, me thinks.

33.

BoJack Horseman sobers up.

BOJACK HORSEMAN How did you know about that? It's top secret.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN You told us a while back.

BOJACK HORSEMAN I did?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Yes, you did.

BOJACK HORSEMAN I don't remember telling you though.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN But you did.

BOJACK HORSEMAN And I shouldn't have. What was I thinking?

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN That's a good question. What are you thinking, BoJack Horseman?

BOJACK HORSEMAN Most of the time I'm not sure. I don't know what's on my mind.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN That's a downer.

BOJACK HORSEMAN It is. It's like everything I do, they feel, like, I'm just horsing around. I'm done horsing around. If only I could unravel what's on my mind, that would be nice. I could finally base my decisions, my actions, on something sturdy, something concrete, like honest to goodness wisdom.

CHRIS CHRISTENSEN Do you really want to know what's on your mind?

BOJACK HORSEMAN I do. I really do.

34.

INT. ELEVATOR LOBBY - DAWN BoJack Horseman enters the elevator. He randomly presses the floor selection buttons. As soon as the elevator moves, he presses more random numbers.

The elevator is jammed, stalls.

INT. ELEVATOR LOBBY This lobby is empty. Also, eerie.

The elevator doors open. BoJack Horseman steps off and onto the lobby. He walks the hallway in search of the bathroom.

He finds it.

INT. BATHROOM He walks in, goes straight to the cubicle farthest from the bathroom door. He enters the cubicle. He sits on the toilet bowl. He sees the gum splashed onto the hole in the wall. He moves closer to the wall, the gum. He removes the gum, reveals the hole.

He draws his head closer to the hole.

BoJack Horseman looks into his own head.

TAG

INT. BAR - NIGHT This bar is full of BoJacks. There are BoJacks in groups.

There are BoJacks in pairs. There are BoJacks alone. These BoJacks are merry, sad, thoughtful, boisterous, miserable, stoic, horsing around.

On stage, there's another BoJack Horseman. He is performing a cowntry song, solo. This BoJack suspiciously looks like a cow.

BoJack sings the BoJack Theme, cowntry style, while CLOSING CREDITS flash.

BOJACK HORSEMAN Back in the '90s, I was in very big cowntry tours (Ooh) I'm Mooooody McGraw (Moody!), Mooooody McGraw Don't act like you don't know [Verse] And I'm trying to hold on to my past (MORE)

35.

BOJACK HORSEMAN (cont'd) It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last I guess I'll just try And make you understand That I'm more cow than a horse Or I'm more man than a cow.

(BoJack!)

FADE OUT.

OVER BLACK Phone rings.

PRINCESS CAROLYN (V.O.) BoJack?

BOJACK HORSEMAN (V.O.) Moooooo.

END