Straight Talk with Your Kids - Self-Image

35. Building Their Self-image Josh and I adopted the way my parents’ made my siblings and me feel equally yet uniquely cherished by referring to them as a unique “favorite.” For example, when our kids were little, we would call Kelly “our favorite freckled girl”, Sean was “our favorite boy”, Katie was “our favorite blonde”, and Heather was “our favorite animal lover.” We continued this tradition and changed the titles according to what they were doing or what captured their attention at the time. So right now, Kelly is “our favorite doctor”, Sean is “our favorite high school teacher and PhD candidate”, Katie is “our favorite Canadian/American mom”, and Heather is “our favorite artist.” Each one of our kids has had many titles, and these titles continue to evolve. The concept itself makes a statement and reminds the children that each one is equally valued and cherished and yet uniquely loved and appreciated.

We are living in a culture that “leaves a child to believe that she is only as good as she looks when compared to an airbrushed photo of a teenage diva. Heightened self-consciousness regarding body image is not only foisted upon our girls, but our young boys as well.” Rob Jackson wonderfully affirms our calling as parents, “We have the power to affirm the immutable worth of our children because of what God the Father sacrificed on their behalf: the life of Jesus Christ. The child’s performance and the approval of others will no longer be measuring sticks for the worth of their lives. The performance of Christ on behalf of our child, and the Father’s approval of that child who embraces Christ, confirms the worth that must be learned not only intellectually, but also emotionally.”i Our children are special, not because of anything spectacular they have or are doing, but because of whom Jesus created them and what He has done on their behalf.

When parents model this value based on Jesus, it has a wonderful outpouring of fruit on a child. “Parents and family members have no choice about their influence in helping develop the self-esteem of their children and family members- their only choice is whether they do it well or poorly.”ii Feeling valued by their families reduces the risk for serious major depression at age 18.iii Also, feeling valued at age 9 positively predicts self-esteem and reduces the risk for depression (especially for males), drug abuse-dependence, thoughts of suicide, interpersonal problems, withdrawn and anxious-depressed behavior, and delinquent and aggressive behavior.” Likewise, “praising our children frequently, setting realistic goals and keeping up with their interests are an effective way to build self-esteem.”iv A healthy self-image and confidence increases the likelihood of a child to resist sexual pressure. Marjory R. Gray and Laurence Steinberg have noticed that “Youths whose parents exhibit love, responsiveness, and involvement tend to have higher levels of self-esteem and internal self-control. Parental love, responsiveness, involvement and non-coercive, democratic discipline had a strong association with adolescent psychosocial development as measured in global self-esteem, feelings of internal control and ability, and susceptibility to negative peer pressure.”v Research Manuscripts\Talk to your kids…\Book and Chapters\35.Self Image

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is clear that parents are the main influence on their children’s lives whether it is positive or destructive.

The following truths are foundational in defining your child’s source of worth and value. Speak these truths over them and pray for their belief in them.

My child, you are special and of great value, because you are loved.vi My child, you are special and of great value, because Jesus died for you.vii My child, you are special and of great value, because you are a child of God.viii My child, you are special and of great value, because God says, “You are chosen.”ix My child, you are special and of great value, because God says, “You are my masterpiece.”x My child, you are special and of great value, because God says, “You are the light of the world.”xi My child, you are special and of great value, because God says, “You are my heir.”xii My child, you are special and of great value, because God says, “You are my friend.”xiii My child, you are special and of great value, because God says, “You are precious.”xiv My child, you are special and of great value, because God says, “You are forgiven.”xv My child, you are special and of great value, because God says, “You are a member of Christ’s body.”xvi My child, you are special and of great value, because God made you unique.xvii My child, you are special and of great value, because God equipped you for good works.xviii My child, you are special and of great value, because God wants a personal relationship with you.xix In a culture where absolute truth is seen as unknowable, where reason has overturned faith, and where science has become the basis of reality, children more than ever need confidence in the one unchangeable reality, God is the creator and sustainer of their lives. Children are attacked with the temptation to put their worth in what other people think of them, in their grades, and their talents and abilities.

“Emerging brain science indicates that during early adolescence social acceptance by peers may be processed by the brain similarly to other pleasurable rewards, such as receiving money or eating ice cream. This makes social acceptance highly desirable and helps explain why adolescents change their behavior to match their peers. Teens often adopt the styles, values, and interest of the group to maintain an identity that distinguishes their group from other student.”xx With the literally constant exposure of our children’s lives on the internet, and with the expectations that are forced upon them from advertisements, they need to know who they truly are and who God truly is. We can help them by loving them as Christ has loved us, by accepting them as Christ has accepted us, and by engaging in their worlds as Christ has engaged in ours.

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Rob Jackson, “Teaching Children Healthy Sexuality,” Focus on the Family, 2004, http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/sexuality/teaching_children_healthy_ sexuality.aspx ii Rethinking Responsibility: Reflections on Sex and Sexuality, Washington, DC: The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy 2009 iii Laura Flynn McCarthy, “Pregnancy Test,” FamilyCircle.com, February, 2011, p6266 iv “Talking With Kids About HIV and AIDs,” Talk With Your Kids, www.talkwithyourkids.org/aids.html v Marjory R. Gray and Laurence Steinberg, “Unpacking Authoritative Parenting: Reassessing a Multidimensional Construct,” Journal of Marriage and Family 61, No. 3 (August 1999): 574-587) (“Parental Involvement and Children’s Well-Being,” FamilyFacts.org, http://www.familyfacts.org/briefs/40/parental-involvement-and-childrens-wellbeing vi John 3:16; 1 John 4:10; Jeremiah 31:3; Daniel 10:19; John 15:9; Psalm 139:1 vii Romans 5:6-11; Isaiah 53; 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 viii 1 John 3:1; John 1:12; Galatians 4:7 ix Ephesians 1:4 x Ephesians 2:10 xi Matthew 5:14 xii Romans 8:17 xiii John 15:15 xiv Isaiah 43:4 xv Ephesians 1:7 xvi 1 Corinthians 12:27 xvii Hebrews 11:34 xviii 1 Corinthians 1:7; Ephesians 2:8-10 xix Exodus 34:14 xx Clea McNeely, MA, DrPH and Jayne Blanchard, “The Teen Years Explained: A Guide to Healthy Adolescent Development,” Center for Adolescent Healthy at Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, 2009. i

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