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Hello,

we would like your help to make sure we continue to give you what you want (as it A very warm welcome to the June issue of The were!). New Smuggler. The New Smuggler is designed to be your All together now: “Hooooooray!” We’ve magazine, so please feel free to call us, email, or survived the longest winter in the history of the send a message via www.thesmuggler.es to tell world, and summer is here on the Costa Blanca. us what you think are the best bits – and the not-so-best-bits. It should only take a moment, (F**k, it’s too hot now!) and you will be helping to shape the future. (But We’re busy celebrating the arrival of the sunshine and a brand new partnership with our don’t whinge about the €1 price tag for a unique month’s reading, if you spend €1.20 a friends at FAB FM – the fastest growing radio day on The Daily Mail!) station on the Costa Blanca. That’s it for now. We’re off to have some FAB FM is the only live newspaper on air, Naughty Fun in the Sun … we suggest you do broadcasting 24 hours a day, with well-known presenters giving local information, community the same! See you next month. news, views and events together with money matters, lifestyle issues and great music. The New Smuggler Team You can find FAB FM on 99.5 FM throughout most of the Costa Blanca, or you can listen live on-line via their website at www.fabfmspain.com. We would also like to welcome all our new ‘The New Smuggler’ magazine is expanding advertisers, distributors and readers, and thank on the Costa Blanca and requires an enthusiall our contributors over the last month – we astic, self-motivated advertising sales agent. wouldn’t be here without your support. You will need to be a well organised, outgoWe go to great lengths to keep you all happy ing ‘people’ person, preferably with previous (and there’s nothing like a great length! – Ed), experience and your own transport. Generand this month we want to try even harder (so ous commission for the right person! Please to speak!). email editor@thesmuggler.es or call John on We know you are all coy, shrinking violets who 646 472 039. do not always want to express an opinion, but

Wanted: Sales Agent

Deadline for adverts for the June issue is May 20th 2010 D.L. V-464-2008 2


tables outside. I asked him; "What time do Dear Editor, you open?" What a riot these Ryanair piHe looked at his watch; lots are! We just returned "Weeel it's half past eleven and from the UK, and approaching we open at twelve. You're Alicante the captain anwelcome to take a seat," he nounced; “Good afternoon said, waving his hand towards ladies and gentlemen, the one of the tables. weather at our destination is We sat down and pulled out a 22 degrees with some broken map to check our route, while clouds, but they'll try to have the barman continued his them fixed before we arrive. cleaning. Tosser. He finished and walked Valerie, Torrevieja towards the door, paused, turned around and asked; Dear Editor, "Would you like a drink while Dear Carol, I teach children at an English I hope your man’s black eyes and you're waiting?" school in Valencia, and I’m at Alison, Pego swollen nuts recover in time to my wit’s end. read this month’s instalment! If Last week I asked one little Dear Editor not, the full story of The Quiet brat where his homework was. Spaniard can be found at I think your magazine needs www.thesmuggler.es. Ed. He said; “I lost it fighting with some culture, so here are this kid who said you weren’t some sayings from Confucius: the best teacher in the school.” Dear Ed, Man who wants pretty nurse, These so-called speed bumps in must be patient. Please can you launch an appeal to raise money to help Spain are a joke. If anything, Man who leap off cliff jump to they slow you down. me fight the assault charge? conclusion. Eric, Javea Graham, Valencia Man who love and loses, not have right lawyer. Dear Editor Dear Ed, Man who run in front of car get A funny thing happened to us I can’t stop laughing. tired. on our touring holiday in Yesterday I asked my wife; Man who run behind car get southern Ireland last week. "What would you do if I won exhausted. Late one sunny morning, we the Lottery?" When man 60 marry girl 25, spied a bar ahead, miles from She said; "I'd take half, then like buying book for someone the nearest village. leave you." else to read. Dying for a beer, we parked up Man who pushes piano down I said; “Excellent. I won £10. and walked over to the barman mineshaft get ‘A flat miner’. Here’s a fiver. Now f**k off!” who was wiping down the Bachelor Brian, Oliva Mario, Gandia

Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor, We are all intrigued by the story of The Quiet Spaniard, and can’t wait for the next instalment. In fact, we often sit with a bottle of wine and argue about what might happen next! Any chance you could post the whole story on your website, so we can read the full story? Carol, Alicante P.S. My boyfriend wanted a phone number for the beautiful Maria. He’ll be in intensive care for a while.

The New Smuggler takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or information given in, advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of this publication including text, illustrations, photographs or complete advertisements, be reproduced in any form without the express permission in writing of The editor at The New Smuggler . 3


There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him and addition question. So they uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven." The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can’t count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets." So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?" The uncle saw movement in the boy’s pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven." A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering

what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.

is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing.... "I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!" "I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!" "I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!" "But if you fuck one goat......."

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garDuring a wild party at a Long den while a nude model danced Island country house, Roxanne before them. Each monk had a had too much to drink and small bell attached to his pristrolled outside for some air. vates, and they were told that Getting to a grassy field, she lay anyone whose bell rang would down to watch the stars. Rox- not be ordained because he anne was almost asleep when a had not reached a state of cow, searching for clover, care- spiritual purity. fully stepped over her. GrogThe model danced before the gily, she raised her head and first monk candidate, with no said, "One at a time boys, one reaction. She proceeded down at a time." the line with the same response until she got to the final One day an 85-year-old man monk. As she danced, his bell 4


rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring......

along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The A local law enforcement offi- kids used to tease me all the cer stopped a car for travelling time. So I stayed to myself. I faster than the posted speed studied hard and got good limit. Since he was in a good grades. When I got older I realmood that day he decided to ised that I wanted to be a docgive the poor fellow a break tor. I went through college, and write him out a warning medical school, internship, resiinstead of a ticket. So, he asks dency, finally got my degree so the man his name." Fred" he I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After replies. "Fred what?" the officer a while I got bored being a asks. "Just Fred" the man redoctor so I decided to go back sponds. When the officer to school. Dentistry was my presses him for a last name, dream. Got all the way through the man tells him that he used school, got my degree so I was to have a last name but lost it. now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. The officer thinks he has a nut- Got bored doing dentistry so I case on his hands but plays started fooling around with my

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assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred." The officer let him go without even a warning. :-) Nina and Liz are having a conversation during there lunch break. Nina asks, "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?" Liz replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind." "Social Security?" Nina asked


to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running." The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man." He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black."

quizzically. "Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."

lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from Three women were sitting the page and said to her, "Did around talking about their hus- you know that humans are the bands' performance as a lover. only species in which the feThe first woman says, "My male achieves orgasm?" She Husband works as a marriage looked at him wistfully, smiled, counsellor. He always buys me and replied, "Oh, yeah? Prove flowers and candy before we it." He frowned for a moment, make love. I like that." The then said, "Okay." He got up second woman says, "My and walked out, leaving his wife husband is a motorcycle mewith a confused look on her chanic. He likes to play rough face. About a half hour later, he and slaps me around somereturned all tired and sweaty times. I kinda like that." The and proclaimed, "Well, I'm sure third woman just shakes her the cow and sheep didn't, but head and says, "My husband the way that pig is always works for Microsoft. He just squealing, how can I tell?" sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to It was the stir of the town be when I get it." when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a A farmer and his wife were year she went into the hospital 6

A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. The patient had purple hair, plus a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the surgeons noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and just above it there was a tattoo which read, "Keep off the grass." After the surgical procedure was completed, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." A young man went up to his father and asked him, "Can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?" His father said, "I don't know. Are you any good?"


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A married man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-yearold son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?" A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married!" The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!" The woman says,

"GOOD .... Get your own fucking blanket!!! An 80-year-old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear ap8

peared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor. A man goes to a doctor and says "What shall I do? I've just been raped by an elephant!" The doctor tells him to bend over so he can have a look at his ass. "That's funny!" he says "Your asshole is 10 inches


wide! I thought elephants only had thin long dicks?" The man says "Yeah but he fingered me first!"

"What! Are you crazy!" "Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend. "No! Someone might see us..." "It's just a small blowjob," he A mother walks into her insists, "and I know you like daughter’s room holding a con- it." dom in her hand, "I found this "No! I said no!" while cleaning your room to"Baby... don't be like that." day ... are you sexually active?" Suddenly, the girl's younger To which the daughter replies, sister shows up at the door in "No, I just lay there." her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. A young guy drops off his She looks at them and smirks, girlfriend at her home after "Dad says either you blow him, being out together on a date. I blow him, or he'll come When they reach the front downstairs and blow the guy door he leans up against the himself... but for God's sake tell house with one hand and says your boyfriend to take his hand to her, "How about a blowoff the intercom." job?"

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After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counsellor suggested they vary their position. "For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go." The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. "Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second..." she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house."


Do you have a Big Question you would like us to pose? Email editor@thesmuggler.es, and don’t forget to visit our website at

L

ast month in The Big Question, we asked ‘If your life depended on it, who would you…?’ We split the question into Female and Male sections, and we are pleased to announce the results. Thanks to everyone who responded. Here is how you voted:

Female Question: ‘Who would you…?’ Jodie Foster 24% Angelina Jolie 42% Drew Barrymore 20% Lady Ga Ga 0% Ruth Ellis 13% (That’s sick. Get help!) Other 1% Male Question: ‘Who would you…?’ George Michael 0% John Inman 0% Michael Barrymore 0% Boy George 0% Alexander the Great 0% Other 0% All of which shows us that: Women are more adventurous Err, that’s it. So, on to this month’s Big Question – in two parts - submitted by Mikey B. from Cullera: “If you had the power: Which great world event would you reverse, and why? Which deceased famous person would you resurrect, and why?” The rules: None. Except, enjoy the argument with your mates! 10


An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous erection. "Check this out!" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we should do with it?" With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, now would be a good time to wash it."

announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great." I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane." She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked I was once on a plane where I her again to put up the tray.She was served by an obviously then calmly turned to him and homosexual male flight attensaid: "In my country, I am called dant. At one point, he bounced a princess. I take orders from over to where I was sitting and no one." The flight attendant

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replied, "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!" When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea." Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."


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… has been hijacked...!

H

ello Jolly Roger fans! This is Mrs Roger. He’s down the pub, to get in some lager practice ahead of the World Cup, so I’ve sneaked onto his computer to make a longawaited female statement, which is… Fucking football! Sorry. I just couldn’t put it any other way. For those of us who have no interest in the socalled ‘beautiful game’, the scores, the league and cup placings, the players’ names, the referee’s names and hairstylists, the managers and their prospects, the nicknames for each and every fucking football ground in the world, who owns what, who earns what, who dived when and where, who’s scored how many goals in how many appearances, and who’s shagging who? We thought we had just reached the oasis that is the end of the British football season. A peaceful time when we could talk about life, love, the kids, shopping, shoes, and other things, to our partners. And then what? The sodding World Cup. Excuse me? Four weeks of this shite? It might as well be 10 lifetimes of boredom, because that will be how it seems. Let me tell you this: if every spoiled, tattooed footballer in the world put as much time, money and intellectual effort (did I really use the term ‘intellectual effort’?) into other things than he does into this vacuous bullshit, then all our problems could be solved overnight. In fact, I think I’ll start a political party to do just that. The ‘Women Against Nutters, Kickers and Erroneous Running Stuff’ (you work it out!) Party will immediately replace one million hours of football on TV with healthy 13


cooking involving 101 ways to prepare pork; fitness and weight-loss videos; how to be a good neighbour; how not to bring up your kids as sociopathic, knife-wielding brats; environmentally-friendly caravanning and ironing; surviving a mid-life-crisis; and what to do with all the bloody oranges we’re always being given. Maybe good sex advice, too. Who is with me?

Demand for more than eight dozen languages has arrived with waves of migrants over the last decade, and the town now has 300 interpreters on contract – 15 times more than 10 years ago – with 20 more planned by the end of the year. If only we had a similar service in Spain. Imagine how much easier life would be if there was someone available to help translate Geordie into Valenciano. Or Geordie into English, for that matter!

Flaming June!

We are what we eat…

I’m sure someone’s been playing with this computer, but it can’t be Mrs Roger, because she’s upstairs helping the Telefonica man to make a connection. Apparently it might take a while, but I dare not interfere, particularly as the Iberdrola man is up there too. They must be making progress though, because there’s a lot of happy screaming going on. Anyway, it’s that time of year again: flaming June. When even the Spanish – as one – swap their ridiculous tracksuits for trendy shorts, sandals and teeshirts with English slogans that they haven’t got an earthly hope of understanding. I actually saw one the other day saying; “My dad is the best, strongest, richest, kindest, coolest, fittest man in the world”. I translated it for him, and he was so proud, bless him. Little did he know that when his wife bought it for him, she believed it to say; “My husband is the worst, weakest, poorest wanker, with the smallest dick in the world.” Who was I to disabuse him. Or her?

I’ve just come through a health scare, dear reader, but surprisingly everything is A-OK. Which made me wonder how I’ve managed to abuse myself all these years, and get away with it. Well, I think I have the answer. All the health experts tell us that eating this food is bad for our sugar levels; eating that food is bad for cholesterol; eating the other can cause cancer, etc, etc. Therefore the only answer is to eat as little as is humanly possible in order to survive. And, as smoking and drinking subdue the appetite for food, this helps our health and fitness enormously. QED.

Erection I promised myself that I wouldn’t write anything about politics, but I have to say one thing. With the ballooning population in Communist China, where they have introduced birth control limits, is that why they don’t have a General Erection?

Jolly Rogering!

Mind your language… What do these languages and dialects have in common? Twi, the chief language in Ghana; Telugu, spoken in India; and Yoruba, used in Nigeria? Answer: they are among 105 officially recognised languages in Milton Keynes, for which the town offers a free 24-hour translation service to help immigrants understand housing, health, police and legal matters.

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One Liners. The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. The existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, someone said to themselves, ‘You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.’ There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. Weather forecast for tonight: dark. If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? What does pre-boarding mean? Do you get on before you get on? When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, ‘How can that be? How can you not have all day?’ When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate bar.

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Your honour, I am 75-years-old. So here I am, sitting there on my porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me. He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your Honour. So I don't stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honour. Why, Your Honour, I haven't felt that good in years! So I just spread my old legs and say to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!" That's when he yelled, "April Fool" and that's when I shot the fucking Son of a Bitch!! A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem. Your penis is twelve inches long. It weighs so much that it's pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter." So he asks, "What's he cure, doc?" The doctor replies, "Well, we have to cut off six inches." The man is eager to cure his stuttering so he agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering. Two months later, the man calls the doctor and tells him that since he's had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He insists that the doctor do another operation to add the six inches back on. There is silence on the other end of the telephone, so the man repeats, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my six inches back!" Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-u-c-k y-y-y-y-ou!

An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had." The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over A woman came home just in time to find her and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then she husband in bed with another woman. With su- said, "I also remember when you used to hold perhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged my hand at every opportunity." The old man her husband down the stairs to the garage and again feeling obligated reached over and gently put his penis in a vice. She then secured it placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman tightly and removed the handle. Next she then stated, "I also remember when you used to picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, nibble on my neck and send chills down my screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going spine." to......to....cut it off are you?!" The wife, with a This time, the old man had a blank stare on his gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You face and started to get up off the couch. As he are. I'm going to set the garage on fire." began to walk out of the living room, his wife asked, "Was it something I said, where are you 16


going?" The old man looked at her and replied, "I'm going in the other room to get my teeth!" The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face. "What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked. "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'" "What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'"

"I only got $20 for a blow job." "Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!" "Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all." "Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget. The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had cliThere were three prostitutes living together, maxed eight times. "If you think that was good," a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get the daughter came home looking very down. BOTH legs in there!" "How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the daughter. 17


A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. "I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?" The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone." The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in. "Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..." "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!" A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother comes to visit. When she arrives, she is shocked to find her daughter standing naked at the front door. "What are you doing?" insists her mother. "Mom, it's my love dress! Don't you like it?" "I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car. A few weeks later, the mother arrives at her daughter's house once more. Again, she is shocked when her naked daughter answers the door. "Now what are you doing?"

"Mom, it's my love dress! It keeps the marriage spicy!" "I'll give you a few more weeks," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car. Later that night, the mother decides to try it for herself. When her husband arrives home, she greets him at the front door in the nude. "Honey, what are hell are you doing!" remarks the husband. "It's my love dress, dear! What do you think of it?" "Well, to be perfectly honest," replies her husband, "I think you should have ironed it first!"

ress says, "So how is whackingoff in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies: "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please". With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!" to which the An old maid wanted to travel guy replies, "Make it 100 by bus to the pet cemetery then..." with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whis- John woke up one morning pered to the driver, "I have a with an enormous erection so dead pussy." The driver he turned over to his wife's pointed to the woman in the side of the bed. His wife, seat behind him and said, "Sit Heather, had already awakened with my wife. You two have a though, and she was downlot in common." stairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might In pharmacology, all drugs spoil things by getting up, John have a generic name, Tylenol is called his little boy into the Acetaminophen, Advil is Iburoom and asked him to take a profen, and so on. The FDA note to his wife. The note read: has been looking for a generic “The Tent Pole Is Up, name for Viagra, and anThe Canvas Is Spread, nounced today that they have The Hell With Breakfast, settled on Mycoxafloppin. Come Back To Bed.” Heather answered the note A waitress walks up to one of and then asked her son to take her tables in a New York City it to her husband. The note restaurant and notices that the read: three Japanese businessmen “Take The Tent Pole Down, seated there are furiously mas- Put The Canvas Away, turbating. She says, "What the The Monkey Had A Hemorhell do you guys think you are rhage, doing?" One of the Japanese No Circus Today.” men says, "Can't you see? We John read the note and quickly are all berry hungry." The wait- scribbled a reply. Then, he 18


asked his son to take it to his wife. The note read: “The Tent Pole's Still Up, And The Canvas Still Spread, So Drop What You're Doing, And Come Give Me Some Head.” Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take it to her husband. The note read: “I'm Sure That Your Pole's The Best In The Land. But I'm Busy Right Now, So Do It By Hand!”

past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So, what's your problem?" "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

Two Amish women were picking potatoes one autumn day. The first Amish woman had two potatoes in her hands. She looked at the other woman and said, "these potatoes remind me of my husbands testicles", and the other woman said A man walked into a thera"are his testipist's office looking very decles that big?", pressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." no she com"What's the problem?" the doc- mented, "they're that tor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 dirty". years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter Jack left for a how hard I try, I just seem to two day busiscare them away." "My friend, this is not a serious ness trip to Chicago. He problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each was only a few morning, I want you to get up blocks away and run to the bathroom mir- from his house ror. Tell yourself that you are a when he realgood person, a fun person, and ised he'd left his an attractive person. But, say it plane ticket on top of his with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzz- dresser. He turned around ing all around you." The man seemed content with and headed back to the this advice and walked out of house. He quithe office a bit excited. Three etly entered weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expres- the door, sion on his face. "Did my advice walked into the kitchen. He saw not work?" asked the doctor. "Oh, it worked alright. For the his wife wash19

ing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee. She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left tit. "Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Jack won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."

Q) How many women does it take to change a light bulb? A) 11 - 10 to form a support group, and one to get her boyfriend to do it.


Dear Auntie: I am thinking of moving to Spain since my career in the UK has taken a downward turn. I had a very high powered, important job where I could use my mathematical skills and my public relation skills to their best advantage. Or so I thought. But as it turns out, I have made some hideous blunders and so decided to resign before I got the sack. My job was very high profile so I want to keep my real name a secret. But lets just say I would be looking for something like a job as President, or perhaps even just Mayor of a city or something. Somewhere where I can get my hands of plenty of cash and fiddle my expenses anyway. Is there anything like that going over there? I would like to move my wife and two wee boys over as

soon as possible. It is either that or move back to my native Scotland (Gordon Black, Formerly of SW London) Auntie says: Well, there ARE jobs like that over here but they are given to Spanish nationals as a rule. You didn’t say but I am guessing you don’t speak the lingo either. Perhaps you could open a Scottish theme pub in Benidorm? Would your wife be any good at entertaining, say by pulling scarfs out of her “lady garden” or using it to light lighbulbs? That always goes down well over here. Or perhaps you could become a dodgy financial advisor (you would have a bit of competition over here though). Or why don’t you just lay low for a bit and perhaps get a non executive position on the board of directors for some company and rake it in. I believe that’s normally what happens to the likes of you. Dear Auntie: Although I am extremely overweight, I still drink 15 pints a night (followed by the obligatory greasy kebab and chips on the way home). I have been making an effort to only drink in bars where I have to walk up a flight of steps, and walking to the furthest kebab van in Benidorm but don’t seem to be losing weight? What more can I do? (Sandra, Cala de Finestrat) Auntie says: A dietician friend of mine tells me it would take a 10 mile run to burn off the kebab and beer and from what you tell me, that doesn’t seem likely to happen in your case so I wouldn’t bother worrying really. Just start shopping at H&Ms - they do a lovely range for the Lardy Lady these days. That’s what the rest of us do. 20


Dear Auntie: Why is it that when I first go out with a blokey they are on best behaviour, taking good care of personal hygiene and their dicks smell of Beckhams Bum Wash aftershave or some such shite and then sure as eggs is eggs, after a couple of weeks, during sex, I get presented with a knob which seems to have been dipped in Italians finest parmesano? Why is that? I have just started with a new bloke and am wondering how I can avoid this same thing happening again? (Lucy, San Juan)

sure we could make each other very happy? (Tracey, Javea Port) Auntie says: I am sorry to say I cannot reveal his address or real name as all correspondence is private and confidential. Plus, he and I are having extensive, intensive one to one sessions to get to grips with his enormous problem. Sorry and all that.

Dear Auntie: I have a bit of a strange problem in that I am obsessed with Iceland supermarket. I just love going in there and looking, sniffing Auntie says: Yes, that does quite often seem to be the case. Well, summer is nearly here, perhaps you and fondling the British products and quite like looking at but not fondling or sniffing the Britshould suggest a dip in a highly chlorinated pool ish staff in there too. Do you think I should go before each romantic encounter – bit like a sheep and get a job there so I can indulge all day long? dip really. Or buy some Brillo pads….. (Ken, Nr Benissa, but I go to Javea quite a bit Dear Auntie: A few months ago you had a let- too). ter from a guy with an enormous penis. Well, I Auntie says: No, I think you should go back to the have the solution because I have an enormous fanny! So far, I have only ever had complaints UK before you do anything really weird and then from men about the size of it (my last boyfriend have to write to me again. You obviously really miss said it was like throwing a sausage down a hall- the UK so once the ash cloud clears, off you pop way). Could you put me in touch with that and make sure you sign up for some self-help ther“Longrod Von Hugenstein” fella because I am apy once you get back. Bye then. 21


seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time another car passed with a sign saying "Jesus Saves." They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "well, that's a little different it pertains to religion." So they took their sign down and the next day there they were, driving around town with a new sign which said, "Two Angels Seeking Peter . . . $50.00." Q) How many female activists does it take to change a light bulb? A) Two - One to do it, and one to bitch about it.

Q) What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? A) Divorced

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!" So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?" The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it." Woman again thinks A woman woke up and told her husband it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, about her last night's dream. "I was at an aucyou've got that too." "My last wish is a million tion for dicks. The big ones sold for $1,000 and dollars!" The goblin then says "OK, you've got the tiny ones for $10." it. But to make your wishes come true you have The husband says, "What about one my to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if size?" His wife responds, "Didn't get a bid," and that's what it takes..."Next morning the little then laughs to herself. The husband wants reman wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the venge, so the next morning he tells his wife man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies about his dream last night. "I was at an auction "F*ck me", says the man, "27 and you still befor vaginas. The really tight ones sold for $1,000 lieve in goblins" and the loose ones for $10." His wife says, "What about ones like mine?" The husband How are women and tornadoes alike? smiles and says, "That's where they held the They both moan like hell when they come, and auction." take the house when they leave. In the time before time, Adam and Eve had sex for first time ever. After their lustful act was over, Eve went to the stream to clean herself up. As she is washing up, she hears a big booming voice coming from Heavens above. "For God's sake Eve, how am I going to get that smell out of the fish now?!"

Two prostitutes were riding around town A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing with a sign on top of their car which said, a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the "TWO PROSTITUTES . . . $50.00." A policeman nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank 22


vault. She says "But sir, it’s just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard." This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctor’s office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies,

"Yes, checking for cancer." Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpies – that’s why I am here!" Q: What's the useless skin around a vagina called? A: The woman. A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want. "The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want ,so make me piss vodka. "The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like

23


vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up. Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle." Jack left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realised he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee. She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left tit. "Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Jack won't be here for breakfast tomorrow." "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Choose one, I can't do both!" "OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. "OLD" IS WHEN‌. A sexy babe catches your eye and your pace-

maker opens the garage door. "OLD" IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by.... The doctor instead of by the police. "OLD" IS WHEN.... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fibre today. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to wee.

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A family are driving behind a dustcart when a dildo flies out and hits their windscreen. Embarrassed and to protect her young sons innocence, the woman says it was an insect, to which one of the boys replied "I'm surprised it can fly with a cock like that!"

laughing."

What does a 9 volt battery and a woman’s asshole have in common? You know it's wrong but sooner or later Man goes into brothel in Am- you are going sterdam and asks the madam to touch it for the fattest bird with the with your saggiest tits and a fanny like a tongue!! ripped out old fireplace, the madam says "feeling kinky sir?" "No" replies the man, "just fucking homesick"! A man says to his wife "I had a wet dream about you last night" "Aww did you?" wife replies. "Yeah, I dreamt you were hit by a bus and pissed myself

25


the ceremonies and as soon as the opposition play their anthem a quick nifty swap will take place, tricky my son tricky? Fabio in his best pigeoni Engleezi said; "grande idea, ti amori it and now i haz no problemo wiz Italien England manager, Capello has told the FA, the Queen so i canna becomi Sir Fabio ze Firste, the Royal Family and the England fans, "don't bella madonna et grazzi, ti amori Engleeezi!" expecte mio to singe de New Lord Triesman national anthem, i ItalScandal iono et no The former Lord, David Triesman, the man who Engleesi, single-handedly derailed England's bid to stage prima verdi!" the 2018 World Cup, has been involved in a new This stateand even more scandalous scandal involving variment has ous comments he is alleged to have made in pricaused quite a vate to friends. stir at "stiff Triesman, 66, astonished a man in a pub near upper lip" FA where he lives by telling him: England head"I don't care much for German beers!" quarters and And the disgraced ex-Lord was obviously referBuckingham Wayne thinks the whole idea is a ring to an intense hatred of France when told a 'looda ol bollocks,' Palacio! spoken in his language and best pigeon neighbour: Every English SCOUSE! "Your back garden resembles the Somme!" representaTriesman, a Tottenham fan, completely wrecked tive is expected to sing his lungs out for the England's hopes of staging the 2018 tournaQueen, but Fabio cannot, he loves Presidente ment last week when he made vile and disgusting Berlusconi and his home bella Italia. comments towards the Spanish and Russian This situation is turning out to be a bit of a dicotomy, Fabio is really doing a good job with the footballing authorities who, he alleged, were English team but the English, being very loyal to planning to cheat by bribing referees. These comments reflect the views of millions of the their Queen (not to their wallets), demand football fans worldwide, but Lord Triesman was that all England players, and technical staff, made the scapegoat for airing them. sing. A bright spark at FA headquarters came up with Responding to news of this latest scandal, Lord Triesman said: a brilliant idea to solve the dilemma; The infamous Brit punk singer, Johnny Rotten, wearing a "Those foreigners roll around a lot when they get tackled, don't they?" Capello wig is going to "double up" and sing his version of "God Save The Queen" for Fabio during

England manager, Italien Fabio Capello, refusi to singi "God Save The Queen!"

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land's other famous drink based export, but they have suffered in recent years with a downturn in product sales, and could not justify a two million pound price tag. After the shock parting of the ways between Running out of options, an emergency general Tennants and the Scottish FA, the Scottish meeting in Edinburgh tried to find other Scotfootballing body has acted quickly to fill the gap. tish industries that were not drink related. The Scottish based drinks company has made Kilts, Edinburgh Rock, heather and tourism were the decision after David Tennant left the popu- all discounted as having insufficient money, leavlar BBC drama, Doctor Who, but claims that it is ing only one real Scottish flavoured item. completely unrelated. Instead, they cite differ- "We're proud to announce the new sponsor for ences of opinion on how the Tennants logo the Scottish FA," said Scott Mc Scottish. "It should be displayed, and are fed up with the con- will be Mars, the confectionery company." stant rivalry between the two Glasgow teams: Mars have insisted that the strap line Celtic and Rangers meaning that neither sides' "Battered and Deep Fried is the True Taste of fans will buy the beer because it is displayed on Scotland" along with the product name. their fiercest rivals shirts. During the acrimonious talks, Tennants have pulled completely out Blue Square for of all Scottish Football advertising. The Scottish FA initially approached several of Beckham the whisky distillers, however, with moves afoot to stop all sports advertising by alcoholic drink Blue Square Premier club Grimsby Town pulled of manufacturers, none of the whisky distillers the scoop of the decade today, when they were willing to make a speculative endorsement signed David Beckham. of Scottish football. Grimsby, who were relegated from league 2 last Iron Brew were also approached, being Scotseason, is sponsored by Olds Sea Foods, one of

Scottish FA announce new sponsor

Battered and Deep Fried is the True Taste of Scotland

the biggest names in the food industry. Olds have struck a deal with GO3 and Beckham who teamed up with GO3 several years ago with the aim of making everyday meals healthier, with the result that Olds have now added GO3 Omega 3 to it's Made in Grimsby range. The launch in June coincides with the World Cup in South Africa. Part of the deal is that he turns out for Grimsby Town in their first season as a non league club for a hundred years. John Fenty the Grimsby chairman is delighted with the deal and is relishing the thought of Golden Balls gracing the Blundell Park turf. Beckham's wife Victoria is looking forward to shopping in Grimsby. I've been to New York, Milan and London but the shops in Grimsby really excite me. Said the Ex Spice Girl. A surprised David Beckham when asked for a comment said Next time I will read the small print. 27


pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?" Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm fucking STARVING!" A woman goes to her doctor and A woman asks her husband if says she wants an operation he'd like some breakfast. because her vagina lips are "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a much to large. She asks the slice of toast? Maybe a nice doctor to keep the operation a sectioned grapefruit, and a cup secret as she's embarrassed of fresh coffee?" He declines. and doesn't want anyone to "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's find out. The doctor agrees. really taken the edge off my She wakes up from her operaappetite." At lunch time, she tion and finds three roses careasks if he would like something. fully placed beside her bed. "A bowl of home made soup, Outraged she immediately calls maybe, with a cheese sandin the doctor and says, "I wich? Or how about a plate of thought I asked you not to tell snacks and a glass of milk?" anyone about my operation!" Again he declines. "No, thanks. "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't It's this Viagra," he says, "It's tell anybody. The first rose is really taken the edge off my from me. I felt bad because you appetite." At dinner time, she went through this all by yourasks if he wants anything to eat, self. The second one is from offering to go to the cafe and the nurse. She assisted me with buy him a burger supper. "Or the operation, and she had the would you rather I make you a operation done herself." "Who 28

is the third rose from?" she asked. "Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!" A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you


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doing?" She exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" He exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" She asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law.�

then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?" "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve." Puzzled yet again, "Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush. A few seconds One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headtold Adam that it was time to populate the Earth. "Adam, you ache?" can start by kissing Eve." Adam While in the playground looks puzzled at God, "Lord, what is a kiss?". God explained, with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A a brand new, shiny watch. "Did you get that for your birthday?" little while later, Adam reasked Little Johnny. "Nope." turned with a big smile and replied Jimmy. "Well, did you said, "Lord! That was great! get it for Christmas then?". What's next?" "Adam, I now Again Jimmy says "Nope." "You want you to caress Eve." Puzzled again he asks, "Lord, what didn't steal it, did you?" asks is caress?" God explained, and Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

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"I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me. Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied. Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet." During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, err, female juices. "But you're balder than I am," protested the customer. "True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a moustache!"

gical kit. Don't worry ma'am, this won't hurt a bit." The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that." She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great, Doc, what did you do?" "I just took a couple of inches off the top of your wellies." If you think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all, the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. So cheer up... Your life ain't that bad!

The rescue team finds the crashed airplane. The lone survivor is chewing on a bone, with a huge pile of human bones next to him, and the rescuers are shocked. He says, "You can't judge me for this. I had to survive." The leader of the rescue team says, "But Jesus Christ, man... your plane only went down yesterday." A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination, the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?" "Yeah, it's really bad whenever it rains," she replies. "Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it." Two weeks later, it's raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please, you have to help me!!" "Well, let's have a look," he says, as he lifts her up onto the table. "Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse, bring me a sur31


fore. Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow. I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn't doing what I was doing. I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me--and I didn't hear it. I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that." Patient to the eye doctor: "Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain." "Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking." A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots."

lenged. "Are you an organ donor?" "No, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army." Q: What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? A: One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

Patient: I always see spots before my eyes. Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help? Right now I'm Patient: Sure, now I see the having amnesia spots much clearer. and deja vu at the same time. I He is not dead, he is electro- think I've forgotten this beencephalographically chal32


33


over and did his business right in me eye." The children, now thoroughly confused, ask, "How did that cause you to lose your eye?" The pirate explains, "Well, it was me first day with the hook."

A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg. The pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then, a hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off." The little boy then asks, "How did you lose your hand?" "Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them boys cut me hand off. Me doc couldn't find a hand, so he gave me this hook." Next, the little girl asks, "How did you lose your eye?" "Well, I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew

the boy obliges and returns saying, "Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope. Not yet one more thing. See that pig in the sty? Well go to it." Once again he obliges and returns. This time the farmer is amazed at seeing this boy doing these deeds just to marry his daughter. So the father finally tells the boy, "Now you can marry my A young lady daughter." To which the boy came home from a replies, "SCREW YOUR date, rather sad. She DAUGHTER, HOW MUCH told her mother, YOU WANT FOR THAT "Anthony proposed PIG?" to me an hour ago." "Then why are you One golfer tells another: so sad?" her mother "Hey, guess what! I got - a set asked. "Because he also told of golf clubs for my wife!" The me he is an atheist. Mom, he other replies, "GREAT trade!" doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, Important Press Release: "Marry him anyway. Between The manufacturers of KY Jelly the two of us, we'll show him have announced that their how wrong he is." product is now fully Year 2000 compliant. In the light of this A city boy wanted to marry a they have now renamed it as: country girl. She insists that he 'Y2KY Jelly'. Said a spokesman: has to ask her father for her "The main benefit of this revihand in marriage. So off he sion to our product, is that you goes to their farm to ask her can now insert four digits into father. "I want to marry your your date instead of two" daughter". "Well, my boy you will have to prove to me that The Queen was showing the you are a man worthy of my Archbishop of Canterbury daughter." "I'll do anything for around the royal stable, when my love" says the young man. one of the stallions close by "You see that cow out in the farted so loudly it couldn't be pasture? Well go screw it." A ignored. "Oh dear," said the little puzzled the boy says, Queen, "How embarrassing. "OK, anything for my love" On I'm frightfully sorry about that." his return of doing his deed, he "It's quite understandable," said asks, "Now can I marry your the Archbishop, and after a daughter?" "Nope." says the moment, added, "as a matter of father, "See that goat over yon- fact I thought it was the horse." der? Well, go screw it." Again 34


35


Hearse today, gone tomorrow…

Jesus Christ!

CLEVELAND, Ohio — A corpse was taken for a ride by thieves who stole a crematory's hearse, then abandoned it with a note saying where they'd dumped the body. Police found the woman's body, in a bag and on a trolley, at the intersection specified. Computer equipment also was taken from the crematory in the break-in. Sgt. Sammy Morris said Cleveland police were investigating whether the hearse was stolen to haul the gear away. No arrests were made. Funeral director Jim Murphy said the corpse was ‘unharmed’. The Greenfield Crematory apologized to the family, saying it was not unusual for the body to have been left in its vehicle, which was locked inside the building.

NORTHAMPTON, Massechussetts — The victim might have forgiven the woman who ran him down in a Massachusetts crosswalk, but police haven't. Police say a Pittsfield woman was cited for running down a man named Lord Jesus Christ as he crossed a street in Northampton. The 50-year-old man is from Belchertown. Officers checked his ID and discovered that, indeed, his legal name is Lord Jesus Christ. He was taken to the hospital for treatment of minor facial injuries. Police said 20-year-old Brittany Cantarella was cited for failing to yield to a pedestrian.

Doggie bag, anyone? EDINA, Minnesota — Authorities in the affluent Minneapolis suburb of Edina have stopped providing free dog poo bags … because they’re too popular. Edina has been hit by thefts of the city-provided bags, and is also looking to save money. So this year the city stopped providing the free bags at stations in Edina parks. Director of Parks and Recreation John Keprios said park workers would fill dispensers in the morning and find them empty by noon. He said; "People walk up and take them until they're gone." He said it was "not just one isolated incident. It's everywhere and often." It cost about $12,000 a year to keep the dispensers full at the eight parks with the stations.

Woops! TULSA, Oklahoma — The rear of a white Mercedes hung out from the 7th floor of a downtown Tulsa parking garage after the driver backed through the garage wall. No injuries were reported after the driver apparently got his foot stuck between the brake and gas pedals and backed through the Bank of America building's garage. 36


The car's rear wheels stopped on the ledge created by the hole in the wall and officials were able to drive the car safely back into the garage. The crash sprayed debris that damaged several vehicles in a parking lot outside the garage.

Missing Pauson? PASADENA, California — It's a first for the boy with no name. A former foster youth whose mother never got around to giving him a first or middle name is now legally known as Max Pauson. Hospital administrators, who 20 years ago had to submit a record of birth to the California Office of Vital Records, simply filled in the blanks "Baby, Boy, Pauson." His generic birth certificate became a problem when he tried to get a job — the name on his Social Security card didn't match. Last year, a Los Angeles Superior Court judge approved the name: Maximus Julius Pauson.

Dog ugly DES MOINES, Iowa — Dozens of slobbering bulldogs dressed in everything from tuxedos to tutus shuffled onto the blue carpet to show their stuff. None were a match for Meatball, a brown and white pup crowned the winner of the 31st annual Beautiful Bulldog pageant in downtown Des Moines. Meatball beat 49 tail-wagging wannabes who came from as far away as South Carolina to compete in the event, and serve as the official mascot for the 101st annual Drake Relays track and field event. “I'm speechless," said Meatball's owner, Ryan Anderson. "He's got a lot of character to him.” As winner, Meatball received a key to the city, a royal cape and crown. He will make numerous public appearances at Drake Relays events. Meatball's secret weapon — besides a perfectly wrinkled face and a proud potbelly— were the handful of supporters wearing blue "Team Meatball" T-shirts.

Thong gone…. KURE BEACH, North Carolina — A North Carolina town that the mayor called “Mayberry with a beach” has banned swimmers from wearing thongs. Kure Beach Mayor Dean Lambeth said; “We're going to keep this as close to Mayberry with a beach as you can keep it,” referring to the idyllic Southern community portrayed on a 1960s TV series “The Andy Griffith Show.” The Star-News of Wilmington reported that the town council voted to add a ban against the revealing swimwear to its existing ordinance against nudity. The move came after the police chief received an e-mail asking if the town's existing nude bathing ordinance allowed thongs. The ordinance bans nudity or “insufficient clothing,” and the man wanted to know if thongs were allowed for both men and women. 37


A husband and wife go to visit a marriage counsellor. First, the wife speaks to the counsellor alone. The counsellor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies, "It's my husband he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!" "How does he drive you crazy?" "For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing." The marriage counsellor is amused, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!" "Hmm, anything else?" probes the counsellor further. The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!" "Ah," says the counsellor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now." So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counsellor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you." The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?" The counsellor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public - looking at the floor and never going near anyone else." The husband

You have been warned twice!

looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said." "What did he say?" "He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!" The counsellor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry." The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay." The counsellor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public." "Well, it’s another thing 38

my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean." The counsellor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity." "Oh," says the husband looking very stupid. "And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking." "This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed, and it's the most important thing." "What did he say?"


I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R. I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down. I phoned the local ramblers club, but the bloke who answered just went on and on. The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.' I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.' This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..' I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything..'

have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband." The big guy says, "Okay. Now I phoned the local builders, I said to them 'Can get over here and suck your wife's dick." I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm Two hookers were on a street corner. They not stopping you!' started discussing business, and one of the This cowboy walks in to a German car show- hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at room and he says 'Audi!' her and said, "No, I just burped." I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's The officer shouted orders to a nearby soltiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there. dier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran I was stealing things in the supermarket while directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vamsoldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to pires. I was charged with shoplifting on two safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recomcounts. mending you for a medal. You risked your life A nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embez- to save the locations of our secret warehouses." "Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought zlement and they put him in a cell with a huge you said whorehouses!" evil looking guy. The big guy says, "I want to have some sex. You wanna be the husband or the wife?" The accountant replies, "Well, if I 39


Message from a Bottle Dear Reader, Hello again, laddies and gentlegirls, Another month survived, eh? Summer is here, and I don’t know how we ménage it - a trois, or any other way! Right now I am in Benidorm – all inclusive, of course - for a small break with all the classy, glam gals from Wolverhampton. So, to bring some culture to the table, this month we’re going to try something different. Instead of writing in English while getting pissed – which is what ‘Message From A Bottle’ is all about, we’re going to try the same thing, but in Spanish … with the emphasis on the ‘ish’! Now there’s a thought which might divert us! Why do so many language names end with ‘ish’? English, Spanish, Irish, Scottish, Finnish, etc? It’s almost an invitation get it ‘nearly right’, isn’t it? As in “I speak Yidd-ish!” Unlike German. No ’ish’ there. Or French, for that matter. Then there’s Phlegmish (yuk!), Italianish, Greekish and, why not, Welshish? Stop now! What’s happening here? I’m not even beginning to slurr my writing. It must be this pass that pisses off as beer in ‘allinclusive’ hotels. And as for ‘a head on your beer’? Whatever happened to a bit of froth? Espuma, they call it here – ie, foam; although God only knows why the Spain-ish have a word for it. As any beer drinker will know, ‘head’ in Spain-ish is ‘cabeza’. Which we all know is an anagram for ‘zebaac’, which is Italin-ish for ‘the back’. Think about it. The back is nowhere near the head. As for ‘cabeza’ being close to ‘cerveza’, don’t even go there! But please try to keep up, because there’s an important pint to be made…. What is happening here is a conspiracy of all the Latin tongues to confuse us Anglo Sextons! And so, still sober after 12 flat pints – ‘flat’ translating in Spain-ish into ‘piso’, and I’m nowhere near ‘pissoed’, so it’s time to get some chips and curry sauce from the bloke round the corner, maybe get mugged, shot, or catch a dose. If I’m lucky. Benidorm. Don’t ya just love it? The stag weekends, all dressed as sheep. The hen weekends all dressed as tarts. Hmmm…. I think I need another drink. So one, pertinent question: “Is there any proper fucking alcohol around here?!” CU Next Time.

Peter P. Head

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Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound. "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips." Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!" "They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell. "Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves. "They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!" "Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they ask. "They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell. "They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell. "Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison. Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."

woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s licence to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realised he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can A retired gentlemen went you explain the into the social security office to differences in apply for Social Security. all these toilet After waiting in line a long time papers?" he got to the counter. The "Well," he re41

plies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's bottom. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll." "Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne." "Why?" he asks. "Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap from anybody!"


Here, in our monthly series of interviews with the stars visiting the Costa Blanca, Wendy Woodson, Chief Interviewer with The New Smuggler talks to none other than Spanish Hollywood heartthrob, Antonio Banderarse.

W

W: Hi Antonio, welcome to the Costa Blanca. AB: Hola. Buenos dias. WW: Err, es possible we speak en Inglesh? AB: Si. No problem guapa. It is a pleasure to be spoken to such a beautiful woman. WW: Oh, don’t. You’ll make me blush! AB: Blush? What is this blush? WW: Oh, err, it’s when your face goes red because you are shy… AB: Ah, I understand this word … like coconut shy? WW: Not quite, but anyway, why are you here? AB: I am ere to research a new film I am directing. WW: What film is that? AB: It’s a film about a normal, day-to-day Spaniard called Pablo, his struggle through life as an outsider, his love for Maria, and the conflict with the … err, how you say … baddie who wants to kill him. WW: So it’s a love story? AB: Yes, sweetheart, a love story with many violent twists. WW: Oh, what sort of twists? AB: I’m sorry, mi amor, I can’t give away the plot yet. WW: I understand. But why is Pablo an outsider in his own country? AB: Because he is a quiet Spaniard. WW: Now that is different! What is the film called? AB: ‘The Quiet Spaniard’. WW: That sounds familiar…

AB: I do not think so. It is entirely fiction, because there is no such thing as a quiet Spaniard, ha, ha! You have beautiful lips.... WW: Oh, thank you … AB: …and eyes. WW: OK, stop now, you’ll make me blush again! AB: (Sings; “Blue … English eyes, blushes are falling from your English eyes!”) WW: Anyway, who is the writer of The Quiet Spaniard? AB: There are many writers working together, just like your English government. WW: You mean a …. AB: … a contraception. WW: Coalition? AB: Whatever. You have lovely breasts. WW: So who is in the film? AB: I shall play Pablo, and I hope that Penelope Cruz will play the beautiful Maria, but we are still casting for the bastardo, Carlos. WW: Any ideas? AB: No. WW: Why? AB: Because apart from myself and Penelope, there are no other Spanish superstars. WW: Can you describe Carlos? AB: Yes. He’s fat, smelly and lazy, from a gipsy family in the old town. WW: Hmm. I can think of a few people who fit that description… AB: … are you married? WW: Not at the moment. AB: Would you like to go out for dinner? WW: I don’t think that would be a good idea. 42


AB: Why? WW: Well, aren’t you still married to Melanie Griffith? AB: Yes. WW: So. Back to someone who could play Carlos. My ex-husband fits the description. I have his phone numbers here, somewhere. Would you like me to give you one? AB: (Faints) WW: Buenos noches Do you have a favourite character who you would like Wendy to interview for The New Smuggler? Email wendy@thesmuggler.es

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. "Mary... Mary..." Awestruck, Mary responds, "Is that you Fred?" "Yes, I have come back like we agreed." "Well, what is it like?" Fred excitedly tells his tale, "Well, when I get up in the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon and into the early evening, until bedtime. And, then, I start all over again the next day." So happy Mary says, "Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven." Fred replies, "Hell no, Mary, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

she leans against the wall allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now completely nude, she purrs, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, your best feature has to be your ears!" She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these breasts! They're full, they don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My butt is firm and doesn't sag, and have no cellulite! So, why in the world would you say my ears are my best feature?" Bill rents an apartment in Chicago, and goes Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers, to the lobby to put his name on the group mail- "Because, when we were in the hallway you said box. While he’s there, an attractive young lady you heard someone coming ... that was me!" comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Bill smiles at the young girl, so she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go to my apartment. I hear someone coming..." Bill follows her into the apartment. Once inside, 43


Idiots in uprising! The UK’s idiots are up in arms after a report published today revealed that they are increasingly being left behind in the race for university places. Fools, dimwits and plonkers are among those groups “most unlikely” to make it to one of the UK’s top universities. “This is damning evidence of a stitch-up,” said village idiot Bronwen Grosseins. “I was turned away by Oxford, Cambridge and Luton, and at the time, I thought to myself – there’s a conspiracy going on here. I’m knocking on the door, but no one is letting me in. Just because I’m an idiot doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t be allowed to go to university.” Moron Dave Camionblank told the Smuggler that he applied to over 50 universities, and “they didn’t even bother answering back.” He continued: “I wrote my application form out on black paper so that it would get noticed. They couldn’t even be arsed to get back to me, I mean what’s that all about? All these years I’ve been trying to get into higher education, but just because I’m a moron, they think they can exclude me. On the other hand, at least I can blame them.” The report highlighted the main universities’ tendency to focus on ‘clever’ groups of people, such as scientists and people who can read books, as part of their overall strategy to meet what are known in the industry as “government results targets”. In doing so, they are leaving

The Smuggler Awards For June behind great swathes of the nation, many of whom feel they deserve a place in higher education. The National Institute of Morons, who published the findings, claim that not even the new universities, who are desperate for money and all that, are playing their part in educating the nation’s cretins. “Every year, we hear the same story. The clever people get in, but the imbeciles are left out. You might have thought that dongos with cash would have been able to buy their way in, but our top educational establishments are still relying on intelligence for admission. If this continues, our imbecilic nation will have absolutely no access to a student lifestyle. We’ve found that imbeciles 44

can’t even get in to do something ridiculous like American Studies.” Universities have reacted furiously to the report, claiming that they have “upped their levels of knobs and wankers,” with Manchester University’s Gregor Branleur adding “we’ve done all we can to get more knobs, wankers and tosspots into our universities, to the extent that we’ve probably got more of them than we have normal people. If you want proof, just go into town on a weeknight and they’re usually wearing traffic cones on their heads, pissed up on Diamond Whites. So we’re doing our bit here.”


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The Quiet Spaniard Last month in our unique writing competition, Freda Farkell took up the story of Pablo, ‘The Quiet Spaniard’. In Chapter 3, Freda told how Maria had learned that Carlos was out to kill Pablo – her lover and father of her unborn child. She took a carving knife to plunge into Carlos’ heart, but she had been seen and forced to run home, where Pablo appeared … followed by Carlos. ‘She beckoned Pablo, wishing they could have finished what they’d started, quietly hid him behind the curtain separating the kitchen. “Maria!”, Carlos shouted. She had to quieten him before he woke her parents, so slowly, with beating heart and wet pants, she opened the door…” In this month’s prize-winning entry, Christie and Paul of Magnums Bar, Oliva, take up the story:

Chapter Four

M

aria opened the door so slowly, just enough to see. His half shut eyes penetrating hers, she could smell his rancid breath! "Open Maria, BEFORE I BEAT IT DOWN!" Not wanting to wake the soundly sleeping parents, she opened the door. He gripped her fiercely around the crutch, felt the dampness. "Oh so you are ready for me!" He then forced her back towards the kitchen table, she felt the edge in her back, he kept pushing until she sank back onto the table, feet on floor, back bent painfully across the table. The light from the street flickered across her face, he could see her clearly, she was stunning, beautiful. He was the envy of every Chico in the own, she was going to be his bride. He kissed her pout lips, first gently then with urgency; she did not respond. He nuzzled her neck and smelt her freshly washed hair, watched the trickle of sweat make its way between her breasts. Suddenly they heard a loud explosion, then a rumble, then 'pop, pop, pop'! "What was that!" he said. * Behind the curtain, Pablo clasped his hand over

his back entrance, 'Christ! I must really do something about that wind problem, maybe cut down on the beans and onions!' then the smell engulfed him to silence. He was once again The Quiet Spaniard. * Carlos could see the tear in Maria's eyes, the hatred on her face. She had just about everything a man would need. He remembered her growing up, shy, almost doe like, always in the background, happy to be unnoticed. Everything changed when she started dancing, she shone, it brought out her inner fire, she became aware of herself and the effect she had on others, even the Chicas couldn't take their eyes of her. She was so very sexual. * Carlos licked the sweat from between her breasts, she did not murmur but she just lay still, wishing him to stop. He gyrated against her but still nothing, no stirrings in his pants, no flicker, nothing, that’s what made him angry. "tu Puta!" he cried "you've got off easy this time, must be the drink". He clasped her around the throat and shouted "you're mine!", he pushed 48


himself off of her and staggered to the open door. She could hear his friends still lingering outside. "Go Carlos! Have one for me! You lucky Ba----d!" He slammed the door shut! She took the longest breath ever! He'd gone, for now anyway. * Carlos barracked a bit with his friends, then just took himself to cock corner and sank onto a bench. He knew he was lucky, knew she was just the finest catch in the town but he couldn't help what he felt inside. He knew from when he was about five years old that he was different. He remembered he loved all the girly things, clomping around in his mother’s red and white polka dot dance shoes, his father had slapped him so hard, " Oh you woofter! Get them off, no son of mine wears heels, don't forget it! " Then when he was older he and a friend went swimming at the municipal, his friend pulled himself out of the pool and his trunks slid down a bit, bearing a tan line and a white pert butt, that's when he had his first public erection. He couldn't get out the water for ten minutes until the beast had died! He would lie in bed thinking about it and all the stirrings would start again. His mother would scold him because of his soiled sheets, "Like the map of Espana!" she'd say, " You're too young for chicas!", if only she knew, he thought. * As he grew up he was smitten with so many chicos, they would be friendly with him just because of who his father was, not because of anything else. They'd wrestle with him, play piggy back and he loved it, simply, because he could dream that one day it would be a reality. The older he got, he realised his secret could never come out, not in this small town. He used to tell his father he was away on business and take himself off to Benidorm. First he would stand back unnoticed but then someone would catch his eye and flirt with him. The first ever public kiss, Oh it was so erotic he nearly came, right there on the very spot! He never realised they had little rooms upstairs where anything goes and I mean anything goes! He'd only fallen in love once, with Mikey, well that's what he called himself. He would plaster him with kisses, tell him he was so gorgeous and horny, then just spend his money. He knew it had to end, so it did, Mikey in a ditch somewhere, wiped out! Now he was just on the scene, available, and he loved it, different person every

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night if he wanted. He didn't know how long he could keep it up without his parents finding out. That would just be the end! * That's where Maria came in. Perfect. She was already pregnant, needed bailing out, didn't really want him. He would marry her, look after her, have a son, live happily ever after but no ties, continue to enjoy his homosexual lifestyle. He'd slept with a few women before, because he had too. He had to cover his double lifestyle, he'd snog a few, pinch there arses and generally act the macho man but his mind and body was elsewhere. * Now Pablo was about to ruin his plans, his life, No F-----g Way!!!! He would have to put the word out that he wanted to challenge Pablo to a fight, winner takes all. Yes, that's what he would do. "Sod ‘em all " he thought, if only..... * Whilst he was sat making his plans, Maria and Pablo were making mad passionate love!! ... not even caring if her parents heard..... Christie & Paul Magnums Bar Oliva Congratulations Christie and Paul. A free copy of The New Smuggler is yours for the next 12 months. The story of The Quiet Spaniard is now really hotting up, so keep the contributions coming ... and any authors, join in the fun, and get writing! Thanks also to Tara, whose latest contribution to The Quiet Spaniard read; “… she opened the door, Carlos barged in and plunged the knife into Pablo’s heart, killing him instantly. THE END”. Not quite what we were looking for Tara. Try again next month. You can now follow the full story of The Quiet Spaniard online at www.thesmuggler.es

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www.helpforheroes.org.uk

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah. He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?" Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before

they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on a constant, exhausting tour of duty." The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?" And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?" An old nun who was living in a convent next to a 52

construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and


looked at each other... very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?" The worker yelled back, "'Cause his wife's here with his lunch." Sam stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.. Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What in the world is taking so long?' 'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Sam explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.' His companion said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.'

Have you seen Fred? He is always somewhere having a sly fag‌‌..

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Smuggler Factoids!

questions a day.

Nosey!

Why?

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eye"!

A law in Fairbanks, Alaska, does not allow moose to have Cockroaches have been around sex on city streets. for 250 million years and even outlived the dinosaurs. They Weird… live for a number of weeks Right-handed people live, on after decapitation, before average, nine years longer than starving to death. The severed left-handed people. head survives for several hours.

Yuk!

Double yuk!!

Always wondered…

The phrase “kick the bucket” “Formicophilia” is the fetish for comes from the idea that having small insects crawl on people hanged themselves by your genitals. standing on a bucket with a noose around their neck and That sinking feeling… then kicking the bucket away. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can’t sink in quicksand.

Oh, Lord! The Bible is the world’s bestselling book. The bible is also the world’s most shoplifted book. Must be those Gideon bibles in the motel rooms getting nicked!

Did the earth move for you? Ancients Greeks believed earthquakes were caused by giants fighting underneath the ground. The Ancient Japanese thought there was a giant spider living under the earth, and each time it moved, it caused the earth to quake

Mummy…? The average four-year-old child asks over four hundred 54

At least! Males, on average, think about sex every 7 seconds.

F1 Thirty-one Grand Prix drivers have been killed since the competition began in 1950. The first was Italian Luigi Fagioli at Monte Carlo in 1952. The last was Brazilian Ayrton Senna at Imola in 1994. (Most people forget that Austrian Roland Ratzenberger was killed the day before Senna at the same race meeting.)


Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says......... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk." "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon." With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork. "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree." "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't

forget." "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree." And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within five metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up,

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and Luis drops like a wet sock.Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, "Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!" "Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? " "Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees ‌ Ees a ham bush...."


Yahoo News: "Germany to help debt-stricken Greece" Silly Krauts, aren't there more serious problems in the world right now other than some shitty musical? Scottish News: Tories urge Scots to bring change good lucking getting money out those tight buggers....... When I was a captain in the navy, I was never any good at playing cards. Probably because I was always stood on the deck. A 90-year-old man was caught doing 8mph in his mobility scooter on the inside lane of the M1. His life was in serious danger - particularly on the three occasions he pulled into the middle lane to overtake women drivers. I wish people wouldn't put dart boards on the ceiling. They make me throw up. I have been collecting the 2010 world cup stickers. I've completed every team except for Japan & Korea where I keep getting the same players over & over again. The Sun Headline: "Harry vs The Taliban" J.K. Rowling must really be running out of ideas... I'm absolutely knackered from my French self-defence class last night. I've never run so far in all my life.

I hate people who say time travel is a stupid idea. It’s that kind of attitude that lost us World War Three.

I’m a London train driver and I'm just pulling out of Victoria. Better hurry up and get dressed or I`ll be late for work.

The wife told me to buy something that makes her look I`m from a musical family. We sexy again live in A Flat. So I bought myself 12 cans of lager Miming words to a deaf person until they crank the hearing aid up to the max, then blasting an air horn at them is a brilliant cure for constipation., It's f*****g funny as well. 56


Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives. Karen said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does." Joanne giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft." Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, "Well, what do you call your boyfriend?" Kathy frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postman?" asked Joanne. "Because, he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box."

oral sex and intercourse. The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs. So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!" The hooker replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?" The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day. "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," replied Little Johnny. Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, "With whom?" "With you!" he said. "But Little Johnny," said the teacher gently, "don't you see how silly that is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday... but I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," said Little Johnny reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"

Lori, the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week." "I see." nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter?" "For God's sake, no!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you A woman suspects her to fix it so I won't feel guilty husband is cheating on her. and depressed afterwards." One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers. One night, a horny old geezer The woman says, "Who is decides to get himself a this?" "This is the maid," hooker. answered the woman. "We Since the man doesn't have don't have a maid", said the much money, he looks for the woman. The maid says, "I was cheapest whore in the nearest hired this morning by the man Red Light District. A short of the house. The woman says, while later, he finds what he's "Well, this is his wife. Is he looking for and spends $10 for there?" The maid replied, "He 57

is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife." The woman is fuming. she says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" The maid says, "What will I have to do?" The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with." The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?" The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here." A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 555-4821?" In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?", "How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher. "Forty." she replies. "Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?" "Well, dear, how old is your sister?" The little girl answers, "Nineteen." "Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?" "How old are you, dear?" The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old." "No, dear, you can't get pregnant..." Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about." Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and


them survive the crash but are stranded on a small deserted island. Since these four guys will need to have their natural urges satisfied, they decided to make up a schedule. Each guy would get a week to bonk the woman as much as possible, the says, "You know, I don't know next week another guy and so what else to do. Whenever I on. This arrangement works go home after we've been out out great for years, satisfying drinking, I turn the headlights both the guys and the nymphooff before I get to the drivemaniac woman until she way. I shut off the engine and suddenly dies. The first month coast into the garage. I take my went by and it was really awful; shoes off before I go into the second month was really bad; house, I sneak up the stairs, I third month was almost unget undressed in the bathroom. bearable; fourth month rolls I ease into bed and my wife around and the guys couldn’t STILL wakes up and yells at me handle it anymore so they for staying out so late!" buried her. His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously A woman is in a coma. taking the wrong approach. I Nurses are in her room giving screech into the driveway, slam her a sponge bath. One of the door, storm up the steps, them is washing her "private throw my shoes into the area" and notices that there is closet, jump into bed, rub my a response on the monitor hands on my wife's ass and say, when he touches her. They go 'How about a blowjob?' ....and to her husband and explain she's always sound asleep." what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex Five people are on a plane, will do the four guys and one girl. Suddenly the engine stalls and they trick and bring her out of the crash. Miraculously all five of 58

coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked." Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The 70-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out." "Heck, that's nothing, " said the 80-year-old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible". The 90-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven." Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these


women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!" A couple of drinkin' bud-

dies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hangar at Logan; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and that it will kinda give you a buzz." So they drink it, get smashed and have a great time; like only drinkin' buddies can do. The following morning, one of them gets up and is surprised he feels good, in fact, he feels great - NO hangover! The

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phone rings, it's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?" He said, "I feel great!!", and the buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?" and he says, "No - that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover we ought to do this more often." "Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing....." "What's that?" "Did you fart yet?" "No." "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"


My name’s Dave the rave, I'm almost everybody's fave, I'm small wiry and black, but people’s love I do not lack!! A sausage and an ice cold beer, I'm in heaven, pretty normal night for a Heinz 57. It's a different story when I'm on the hash, a funny feeling not like on the lash!

all twee, I couldn´t walk to even have a pee! A trip for me to the local vets, a queue jump before the other pets,

Sent in by a reader who’s little pet swallowed a block of ‘hash’. ( Where did he get that?)

A clump of hair from my tootsie they shave, I heard them say, this is not like Dave!

Tucked up in bed, I don't make a sound, My head’s all wobbly, my poor mum not allowed her my knees are bent, friends around, down to the floor my body was now I've awakened from the sent, fog.......... please remember i´m just a My eyes are glazed and not at Heinz 57 dog!!

Answers To Mays‘Stars In Their Youth’ How many did you get right easy peasy eh!

Answers to the riddles on page 46. 1. If you read the words in each group from right to left, each group sounds out the name of a US President, with commas separating the first and last names. 2. Each word in the sentence is one letter longer than the word before it! 3. A Stapler. If you have any riddles, puzzles or brain-teasers that you would like to see in ‘The Smuggler’ then email them to : editor@thesmuggler.es

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All Distribution Agents for The New Smuggler magazine are listed on our website at WWW.THESMUGGLER.ES 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. out of the carpet." "This room of yours looks as if 3. My mother taught me about a tornado went through it." TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. going to knock you into the "If I told you once, I've told you middle of next week!" a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why." 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. 5. My mother taught me MORE "I brought you into this world, LOGIC. and I can take you out." "If you fall out of that swing and 14. My mother taught me break your neck, you're not about BEHAVIOR MODIFICAgoing to the store with me." TION. 6. My mother taught me "Stop acting like your father!" FORESIGHT. 15. My mother taught me "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an about ENVY. "There are millions of less accident." fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful 7. My mother taught me parents like you do." IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you 16. My mother taught me something to cry about." about ANTICIPATION. 8. My mother taught me about "Just wait until we get home." the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. supper." "You are going to get it when 9. My mother taught me about you get home!" 62

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." 19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." And our favourite... 25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"


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Smuggler Magazine June 10  

Costa Blanca Expats spoof magazaine with adult content.