ION Arizona June 108 2010

June 2010

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BAR 1

Photos by Deon Brown 8

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Greatness From Adversity Welcome! You may have noticed I

changed the name of this column from Just Jack to Just Arizona. Because it isn’t all about me. It is about you and our community. And collectively, our greatness comes from Pain, Controvery and Defeat. Let me explain what I mean:

Pain

In politics they say, “If you want a best friend, get a dog.” The same is true in publishing. When I started ION, my best friend was Schmoopy. A beautiful, smart, Black Labrador Retriever mix that I saved from the Humane Society in Rochester, Michigan (yes, the birthplace of Madonna!) The day after 1n10 Splash Bash Wet ‘n’ Wild, she passed away after 14 wonderful years of love and devotion. I miss my best friend.

I’ll think of Schmoopy this August when we present our second annual “Pets and People” issue. We want the entire community to get involved and send us a picture of you and your pet(s). If we select you, we will contact you to take professional photos of you and your pet at no cost and will publish them. The pet(s) and owner(s) we choose for the cover will win a $100 gift certificate to PetSmart, an Arizona based company. Submit your photo to ionarizona@me.com. We’ll also publish other photos we receive.

Controversy

Thank you to everyone who came out for a day and night of fun Splash Bash X! Special thanks goes to 1n10, Coors Light and Wet ‘n’ Wild - Phoenix’ awesome staff. We also are very grateful to our generous sponsors including The Rock, Roscoe’s, Ice Pics, Smirnoff, Open Wide Dental, The Leathermen, FEZ, ‘N Touch News, Ticoz, Switch and over 30 volunteers that helped out all day. Thank you so much!

Every time you push the envelope and create something new, you will ruffle feathers.

We did it 8 1/2 years ago when we started ION and today with Splash Bash X. Helping our community advance is what we do. There was some controversy at Splash Bash? Were we surprised? Not really. We always expect a couple of bumps. Do we quit? Never. But am I disappointed with KPHO and their irresponsible news journalism concerning a ridiculous non-issue that happened that they broadcast? Absolutely!

They should be ashamed of themselves.

They threw ION and our guests under the bus based on a one-sided story. Don’t always believe what you see on the news.

Defeat

I love Tucson! For almost nine years, we have supported their GLBTQ community, their businesses and their non-profits. However, their community no longer advertises for Phoenix business. It’s expensive for ION to support Tucson with no return. Recently, we quietly pulled out of Tucson and canceled our sponsorship of Tucson Pride.

The support from Tucsonians has been inspirational. Some are campaigning to bring us back. Trust me. We want to come back.

If we can partner with businesses in Tucson, we will continue to support your community.

For now, Tucson, you can view ION at www. ionaz.com.

While we had some of the best spring weather on record, you knew the heat was coming. Personally, I love summer in Arizona. There is a lot to do when the heat is on. Get out and enjoy your community and have some fun!

Sincerely, Jack M. Tesorero Publisher/Founder June 2010

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PUMPHOUSE II

Photos by Deon Brown 14

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3819 North 3rd Street Ste. #10, Phoenix, AZ 85012

(602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com

ionarizona@me.com

Publisher / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero - Ext. 5 ........... jacktesorero@me.com

My Heatstroke.com Bill Knoop .............................................. (602) 301-8457 CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw - Ext. 4 ..................... kbushaw@me.com Editor AND TYPIST Deon Brown - Ext. 3 .................. ionazeditor@me.com PRODUCTION ASSISTANT Craig Rubin ................................. ionarizona@me.com GRAPHIC DESIGNER Brock Miles ......................... ionazproduction@me.com PRODUCTION & Artwork SUBMISSIONS ionazproduction@me.com Advertising Sales Jorge Suarez Mike Scofield Ext 2 - ionazsales@me.com Photographers:

Jerry O’Conner Carlos Silva

Don Thompson Michael Chesworth

National Advertising Representative Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 ContributORS:

Wes Bergman Addison DeWitt Jackson David Kelly Justin Gonzales

Ted Kirby Kim Ruff Paul Sanchez

Published monthly by

© 2010 Tesorero Omni Media

a JMT Designs, Inc. company

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN THE USA

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.

NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company.

Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications.

All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

1995-2010: 15 Years of Design and Creative Excellence

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Light Rail to Forbidden Forbidden Night and Pinnacle French Vodka have teamed up with the Big Orange Bus to offer FREE safe ride shuttle service from Phoenix to Scottsdale and back, every Saturday night. Shuttles provided by The Big Orange Bus will depart from Central Ave. & Camelback Light Rail station at 9 p.m., 10:30 p.m., 11:30 p.m. and go to Forbidden. Get back safely with returns to the same location in Phoenix that depart from Forbidden 12:30 am, 1:30 am, 2:15 am. Rides are FREE, but driver tips are highly encouraged!

Flagstaff Pride Join the friendly Lumber Jacks and Jills in Flagstaff for Pride in the Pines on Saturday, June 12 at Wheeler Park with the fabulous Shannel from RuPaul’s Drag Race entertaining along with others. The kickoff part is Friday night with the sexy DJ JST and our own Afeelya Bunz at the After Party at the Green House and a brunch on Sunday.

Go to www.flagstaffpride.org for more info.

Phoenix Pride Gala Join Phoenix Pride for an awards gala where they honor and celebrate the contribution of individuals, businesses and political leadership from the GLBT community of mero Phoenix on Saturday, June 19 at the Madison Event Center at 441 W. Madison St. For more info and tickets visit www.pride-tickets.org

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Bisbee Pride The guys ‘n’ gals of the Copper City welcome one and all to their 6th annual Pride weekend June 18-20 in bee-yoo-ti-ful Bisbee, Arizona!

Proposed events include a Leather & Lace Party, Pub Crawl, Ghost Tour, Live Musica, and a pool party at the historic Copper Queen Hotel! Visit www.bisbeepride.com for more info.

H2O & Tucson Pride Week Kick off Tucson’s Pride Week on Saturday, June 19 from 3:30 p.m.-11 p.m. at the splishy-splashy “H2O” party at Radisson Suites Tucson 6555 E. Speedway Blvd. Enjoy entertainment from Tucson’s on Namoli Brennet and the super-sexy indie rocker Eric Himan!

Hosted by Ajia Simone. Check out www.tucsonpride.com for more info.

June 2010 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE

EVENT & LOCATION

CITY

4 & 18 11 & 25 12 12 13 18-20 19 19 19 19 26 26 26 27

Milagro Tequila Party at Bar1 Sailor Jerry’s Party at Bar1 Flagstaff Pride at Wheeler Park Gays Gone Wild Beach Party at BS West Pool Party at Amsterdam Bisbee Pride Pride Gala at Madison Events Center Barbra Seville’s Birthday at Forbidden Neon Rave at BS West H2O & Tucson Pride Week Boy Rio Underwear Party at Forbidden Spartanettes at Apollo’s iiMijo Summer Bash at Forbidden Sex & the City Party at Karamba

Phoenix Phoenix Flagstaff Scottsdale Phoenix Bisbee Phoenix Scottsdale Scottsdale Tucson Scottsdale Phoenix Scottsdale Phoenix

Check out bar and nightclub ads in this issue for daily & weekly specials!

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¡Las Reinas de Karamba!

If you’re looking for some of the most spectacular drag in town, check out the lovely and talented muchachas at Karamba Nightclub! The Valley’s premiere Latino nightclub is home to The Grecia Show on Vertigo Tuesdays; The Diamond Show on Retro Wednesdays; the Ruby Reynolds and the Tyra Marie shows for Tejano Thursdays, and enjoy appearances by Galilea and other special guests, throughout the year, too! Everyone can have a great time at Karamba! Check out their ads on pages 4, 5 & 23

June 2010 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE TIME LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S) Mondays 9:00p Apollo’s Naughty or Nice Bingo with Ericka Knowles Wednesday 10:30 Cruisin’ 7th Judy’s Steppin’ Out Wednesdays 10:00p Charlie’s Claudia B. & Company Third Thursdays 10:00p Forbidden Miss Ruby’s Show Thursdays 10:30p Pumphouse II Hot Bodz Male Revue w/ Savannah Thursdays 9:30p Amsterdam Kiki Vermont Thursdays 10:30p Karamba Grecia’s Show Fridays 10:30p Cruisin’ 7th TGIF with Devina Ross Fridays 9:00p BS West Elements - followed by Mandy B.B.’s Boys!

Saturday May 15 6:00pm Babylon Miss Gay Valley of the Sun America Pageant Saturdays 10:30p Cruisin’ 7th Dream Girls with Regina Gazelle Saturdays 10:00p icepics The Follies Comedy Drag Show Saturdays 10:00p Forbidden The Barbra Seville Show Saturdays 9:30p Charlie’s Pussy’s Patio Show Saturdays 10:30p Pumphouse II Hot Bodz Male Revue w/ Savannah Sunday 6th 8 pm Apollo’s Afeelya Bunz & Miss Gay Az-America Preview Sunday 13th 8 pm Apollo’s T.C Taylor / Big Bootie Judy -Biggest Drag Queen Show Sunday 20th 8pm Apollo’s Mia Adams That Time Of The Month Show Saturday 26th 10 pm Apollo’s Meet the Spartan[ettes]- softball team turnabout Sunday the 27th 8 pm Apollo’s Barbra Sevilles That Time Of The Month Third Saturdays 1:00p Cruisin’ 7th Native American Revue 1st & 2rd Sundays 12:30p Cruisin’ 7th Sunday Morning Madness Sundays 8:30p Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot & Friends Sundays 10:30p Karamba Galilea’s Show To add your drag event, e-mail dates, times, locations & pics to kbushaw@me.com Included events must be 1) Charity Benefit OR 2) Located at an ION Arizona Advertiser

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Music on Mill A showcase of local musicians performing on the streets covering various musical genres every Thursday night from 5-9 p.m. in downtown Tempe.

Musicians at Music on Mill will be identified by branded donation paint cans so you can distinguish them from the garden variety bums and Mill Rat regulars. Donate so they’ll return on a weekly basis.

Phoenix Pet Expo

This event brings trainers, groomers, rescues, shelters, vets, clinics, pet stores, retailers, hobbyist groups and societies together to educate, demonstrate and perform for pet lovers. There will be special guests, agility trials, adoptions and a pet fashion show, too. Saturday, June 12, 10 a.m.-6 p.m And it’s free! University of Phoenix Stadium at 1 Cardinals Dr. in Glendale. or visit www.

PhoenixPetExpo.com

Miss Arizona Pageant You won’t believe your eyes. This is a pageant that actually features real biological girls, with real breasts and other real girly “parts” down there competing for a real fake crown. There’s no tucking, foam rubber, or beard stubble! Shocking how almost realistic they look, isn’t it?

You can see the Miss Arizona Pageant from June 17-20 at Mesquite High School in Gilbert, 500 S. McQueen Rd. Phone: 480-202-7980 or visit www.miss-arizona.org.

June 2010 ION around town listings DATE Thursdays 12 12 17-20 19 20 26 26

ARTIST / EVENT LOCATION Music on Mill Bloomin’ Beerfest Phoenix Pet Expo-Univ. of Phx. Stadium Miss Arizona Pageant at Mesquite High School AZ Salsa Dance Festival at The Venue Father’s Day Miss Asia Arizona Pageant

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Downtown Tempe Phoenix Glendale Gilbert Scottsdale Your Dad’s House missasiaarizona.com

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CAKE Hey, Fashion Nuggets! Put on your Short Skirt/ Long Jacket! Shut your pieholes, because CAKE is coming to town! And their cover of “I Will Survive” is legendary. This funky, alternative, indie and frequently downright goofy band of intellectuals will be performing at the Marquee Theatre on Friday, June 18. 730 N. Mill Avenue. Phone: 480-829-0707 or get tix on www. luckymanonline.com. All the cool kids are going.

Jordin Sparks

Quiz: Who was the R&B songbird from Glendale who won American Idol? Nope. It wasn’t David “I’m Too Big For My Britches” Hernandez – it was the platinum singer/songwriter Jordin Sparks, the youngest AI winner ever! She’s coming home and will be performing at the Cricket Wireless Pavilion, 2121 N. 83rd Ave. Phone: 602-254-7200 or go to livenation.com for more info.

Lilith Fair

Hey, Grrrrls! It’s back! Founded

by Sarah McLachlan and a concert favorite of Lesbians everywhere, Lilith Fair brings some of the best female recording artists around to perform in one place. And as an added bonus for you Gay boys – the Go-Go’s! A portion of the proceeds will benefit five local charities. How cool is that? It happens at the Cricket Wireless Pavilion, 2121 N. 83rd Ave. Phone: 602-254-7200 or check out lilithfair.com for details and the full line-up.

june 2010 ION Concert Calendar DATE ARTIST / EVENT LOCATION

6 7 8-9 15 17 18 18 18 23 29

Tony Bennett 50 Cent Insane Clown Posse Doobie Bros. & Chicago Iron Maiden Country Throwdown Julio Iglesias CAKE Erykah Badu Vans Warped Tour

Dodge Theatre Marquee Theatre Marquee Theatre Dodge Theatre Cricket Wireless Pavilion Cricket Wireless Pavilion Gila River Casino Marquee Theatre Marquee Theatre Cricket Wireless Pavilion

602-379-2888 480-829-0707 480-829-0707 602-379-2888 602-254-7200 602-254-7200 800-WIN-GILA 480-829-0707 480-829-0707 602-254-7200

JULY 1 2 8

Jordin Sparks MC Hammer Lilith Fair

Cricket Wireless Pavilion Ft. McDowell Casino Cricket Wireless Pavilion

602-254-7200 602-843-3678 602-254-7200

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Photos by Carlos Silva

by Jackson David Kelly jacksonkelly@cox.net

Yo, DJ! What’s New? In addition to this battle of the divas, check out new albums from Lady Gaga (remixes import), Jack Johnson, Taio Cruz, Andy Bell (frontman for Erasure), the Chemical Brothers, Jewel, Sia, Macy Gray and the fourth full length from my favorite electronica artist of all time, Chicane.

Robyn

Body Talk #1

After the mesmerizing smash “With Every Heartbeat,” the world has been anxiously waiting for a follow-up. With the first of three releases due in 2010, the wait is finally over. This collection is pure music genius In every way. Those needing a bit of “Konichiwa Bitches” take note with “Fembot,” this album’s quirky, off-beat track. And then there’s “Dancing on my Own,” this collection’s near perfect tune and centerpiece. After one listen, you’ll be hooked. Also of note is the soulful “Cry when you get Older” and the island feel of Diplo’s “Dancehall Queen.” Look out Goldfrapp – you have new competition for “Best of” for 2010.

Christina Aguilera Bionic

After many delays, Bionic finally hits shelves this month. Though exact details are vague; look for this album to take fans to a realm of R&B, Pop and Electro. Getting help from Sia, Ladytron, the Neptunes, Tricky and Linda Perry, Bionic proves to be as diverse as Stripped and a 180 degree turn from Back to Basics. Lead single “Not Myself Tonight” is supercharged in a Lady Gaga-esque style as is “Glam,” 2010’s gritty ode to “Vogue;” while “You Lost Me” is this set’s epic masterpiece that is Aguilera at her best. And then there’s

rumored second single “WooHoo,” a track that can only be called daring, catchy and an ode to Hollaback Girls.

Sarah McLachlan Laws of Illusion

It’s been seven years since Afterglow and with all that she’s endured. it’s wondrous how infectious lead single “Loving You” proves to be. The opening piano riff and almost kneeslappin’ pace make this her most uplifting track to date. In addition, Illusion sees great support from featured tracks “Illusion of Bliss” and “Out of Time.” In conjunction we also see the reinvention of her famed 90s festival, The Lilith Tour. Packed with singer songwriters, Sarah’s poised to revitalize her brand as well as her career. Though Illusion falls a bit short of capturing the magic of time’s past, it’s great to hear this songstress back on the market.

Cyndi Lauper Memphis Blues

Playing Cyndi’s new disc is like taking a stroll down Bourbon Street. This release is nothing like she’s ever done and is beyond a concept album à la Aguilera’s Back to Basics. It’s gritty, full of life and resides with an energy that showcases songs that can only be called true blues. Though there are no potential hit “singles,” this album gets credible support from the country twang and piano bassline of “Early in the Morning” as well as the thunderous “Rollin’ and Tumblin.”

Furthermore, “How Blue can you Get” and “Cross Roads” get supportive help from Johnny Lang and swagger with a sleek style that can only be described as fulfilling.

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Don’t Be Jealous...

T

he comp.

by Damon Dering photos

by Jerry O’Conner 32 www.IONAZ.com June 2010 32

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EVIL DEAD: The Musical

IF YOU MISS IT, YOu'Re DEAD! Hi, I’m Damon Dering, the Artistic Director of Nearly Naked Theatre. And first I would really like to thank ION Arizona for asking me to come down and talk to them (and you) about what’s happening at Nearly Naked this June.

I’m really excited about it! I’m so excited I could just … well ...

DIE! We’re closing our 11th season with a smash cult hit called Evil Dead: The Musical. I know what you’re thinking: “Isn’t Evil Dead a cheesy 80s horror flick directed

by Sam Raimi (Spiderman) and starring a young Bruce Campbell (Xena: Warrior Princess, They Call Me Bruce)?” The answer is “Yes.” A big cheesy, campy, hysterical “Yes.” See, some freaks in Canada loved two things, the Evil Dead movies … and musical theatre. So they put

their chocolate in each others’ peanut butter and created EVIL DEAD: THE MUSICAL. Now here’s where things get weird (here?); Sam Raimi actually signs off on the project, and a new cult musical is born!

It stormed Canada, becoming a sensation.

It transferred to New York, it traveled the world (truly; Japan and South Korea), selling out everywhere. And we’ve been trying for a couple of years to get Evil Dead: The Musical to Phoenix. We’ve begged. We’ve pleaded.

We’ve summoned ancient evil forces with promises of blood and mayhem … and it’s finally happened.

But a musical based on a trilogy of movies (Evil Dead, Evil Dead II & Army of Darkness) can be tricky. Because as campy and silly as these movies might be to some, they changed the horror genre forever, they have a fan base of millions, and they were just so much f**king fun! Can a musical version of them be as much fun? Hell. Yes. June 2010

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IN HELL WE DANCE OU

LET'S SHOW 'EM HOW WE DAN “How is that possible?” you ask. Easy answer: great rock music, more foul language than a Quentin Tarantino movie, blood splattering across the stage (and into the audience!), dismembered limbs and heads, demon zombies dancing and singing, and a super-sexy zombie-killing hero who spends all his time trying to “out-Bruce Campbell” Bruce Campbell. And you don’t have to be a fan of the films to love it. But you really should go to Netflix immediately and put them in your queue. See where mixing comedy and horror all started.

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no Disneyfication), as familiar as the fingers on your now severed hand: Five college students break into an abandoned cabin deep in the woods, looking for cheap fun and easy romance.

Instead, they awaken an ancient, slumbering evil. One by one they are possessed by demons and die in horrible ways and return to life as zombies … and occasionally burst into song.

Left alone to fight for his life is Ash; a young, handsome Housewares employee from S-Mart, who finds that demons respond not only to chainsaws and shotguns, but also zippy one-

UR OWN SPECIAL WAY!

NCE WHILE OUR BODIES DECAY! liners and abs of steel. And just when Ash thinks he cannot do it all alone, a beautiful archeologist (the kind that only exist in horror movies) arrives with the information needed to send the demons back to Hell. But in order to translate the ancient magic, they must first survive the zombies’ powers to make nauseating bad puns, turn the trees into perverted date-rapists, bring road-kill back to unlife and, of course … wait for it … perform the Demon Dance of Death.

Premiere of Evil Dead is so funny you could laugh yourself to death! ‘Talented’ and ‘sexy’ doesn’t even begin to cover the virtues of this powerhouse ensemble.

They sing their rotting faces off, chew on your funny bone and dance ‘til they drop! Evil Dead: The Musical is such a good time you’ll want to come back again and again just to sit in the “Splatter Zone.” That’s right; the first two rows get covered in blood and gore! Wear white!

You don’t have to thank me.

I have almost hurt myself laughing during rehearsals, because the cast we’ve assembled for the Arizona June 2010 June 2010

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JOIN US! Demons have

many shapes in EVIL DEAD: THE MUSICAL

EVIL DEAD: The musical

...runs June 11th – July 3rd at The Little Theatre at Phoenix Theatre, 100 E. McDowell Rd in Phoenix.

Thursdays - Saturdays at 8pm Sundays at 6pm or 2pm (alternating).

For tickets call (602) 254-2151 or www.nearlynakedtheatre.org

Puppet Slam How funny would it be to see, say, King Friday or Cookie Monster or even sweet little Lambchop on stage saying cuss words and discussing things that puppets don’t usually talk about on Sesame Street or PBS? Well, find out at the Great Arizona Puppet Theatre in the heart of Phoenix, 302 W. Latham St. near the Deck Park and 3rd St. Friday and Saturday, June 4 & 5 at 8 p.m. $8 in advance. $10 at the door. Call 602-262-2050

In the Heights If you love NY then you’ll go crazy about this Tony award winning musical about a Manhattan community on the brink of change, full of hopes, dreams and pressures, where the biggest struggles can be deciding which traditions you take with you, and which ones you leave behind. See this blockbuster June 15-20 at ASU Gammage, 1200 S. Forest Ave. in Tempe. For info and tix call 480965-3434 or visit www.ASUgammage.com

Comedians of Chelsea Lately Although the foul-mouthed blonde will be absent, Chelsea’s chatterbox chumps Whitney Cummings, Jo Koy, Josh Wolf, and of course, her faithful sidekick Chuy will be be tickling your funnybone in the round at the Celebrity Theatre on Saturday, June 19. 440 N. 32nd St. For tix call 602-267-1600 x 1 or visit www.celebritytheatre.com

june 2010 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE

EVENT

LOCATION

4-5

Puppet Slam

AZ Puppet Theatre

602-262-2050

11-7/25 Footloose

AZ B’way Theatre

623-776-8400

12

Louie Anderson

Gila River Casino

800-WIN-GILA

12-7/3

Evil Dead: The Musical

Phoenix Theatre

602-254-2151

thru 13

Always ... Patsy Cline

Phoenix Theatre

602-254-2151

15-20

In the Heights

ASU Gammage

480-965-5062

thru 19

Bill W. & Dr. Bob

B’way Palms Dinner Theatre

480-325-6700

19

Comedians of Chelsea Lately Celebrity Theatre

602-267-1600

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Best of the Best Showcase

480-945-4422

Comedy Spot in Scottsdale

PHONE

thru 7/11 Agnes of God

Scotts. Desert Stages Theatre 480-483-1664

thru 7/25 Art

Scotts. Desert Stages Theatre 480-483-1664 June 2010 www.IONAZ.com 39

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by Kimberly M. Ruff kimberlymruff@yahoo.com

Movie Previews The popular wisdom of “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” applies to pretty much everything.

Everything, but film. In Hollywood, most decisions to green-light a project hinge on, “if it ain’t broke, make it again!” So here are some more remakes, gritty reboots, and old hats.

The Karate Kid

Starring: Jaden Smith, Jackie Chan For years after I saw the original The Karate Kid (1984), I stood on the low block fence in front of my childhood home and did The Crane, sneering at classmates from my grade school who rode by on their Huffy bikes. I am no expert on causality, but I am pretty certain that these shenanigans were right around the time I started getting beat-up at school. Little did I know that there’s a lot more to martial arts than The Crane and yelling “sweep the leg!” I think I missed the point of the movie.

What I did know, however, is that The Karate Kid was a classic of both screen and popular culture. Kids everywhere became convinced that a little bit of training with a wise Asian man was the going to be the cure for all that ailed us. Lord knows I spent many a weekend waxing Mr. Hong’s, the owner of New Korean Buffet, Honda Accord in the hope of getting a fortune cookie worth of wisdom from him. All I got were blisters.

In this gritty reboot, Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan attempt to fill the

very large shoes of Ralph Macchio and Pat Morita, respectively. Smith plays Dre Parker, an American immigrant who moves from Detroit to China with his mother. When some of the kids at his school begin bullying him, he enlists the help of Maintenance Man/Martial Arts Expert, Mr. Han (Chan). Agreeing to train him in exchange for him going toe-to-toe with the bullies at an upcoming tournament, the adventure begins. Release Date: 06/11/2010.

Joan Rivers : A Piece of Work

Starring: Joan Rivers Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work is a documentary film about – you guessed it! – Joan Rivers, the brash, sassy comedienne, Red Carpet Commentator, and the First Lady of Plastic Surgery. Following her throughout her 76th year on this planet, the documentary explores the hurdles Rivers has to overcome as she navigates through an Industry overrun by youth and beauty. Peppered with Rivers’ usual self-deprecating humor and raspy commentary, Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work is a must see for fans. Release Date: 06/11/2010.

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by Wes Bergman wesobergman@yahoo.com

DVD Movie Review Sometimes in Life

Starring: Sara Stepnicka, Eric Morrison, Jon E. Livernois When what you’ve been doing is no longer working, where do you go from here? Such is the question of Sometimes in Life, an independent film about two very different people – fashion designer, Jill, and fledgling photographer, Rob – who find themselves at an impasse in their personal lives.

Jill (Stepnicka) has begun to feel an unwelcome cooling in her romantic relationship and suspects infidelity. Rob’s (Morrison) father recently passed and the reality gives him even more justification to engage in self-destructive behaviors. As both run from pillar to post in their confusion and frustration, their paths serendipitously cross and a new, surprising friendship is formed – one that gives Jill the strength to acknowledge what she’s known all along and stand up for herself, and gives Rob the moral support he needs to make some very important changes in his life.

write crap, I had to go back to the drawing board. But seriously – OMGWTFBBQ!?!

When I was growing up in the 1980s, I never once watched The Facts of Life.

I was too busy dressing like Punky Brewster and hanging out my father’s basement in Toledo trying to build my own Small Wonder to give a crap about the adventures of Squinty, Blondie, Butch, Brace-Face, and their headmistress, Ginger Midget (The correct character name and actor is listed in the order referenced by the writer: Natalie/Cohn, Blaire/Welchel, Jo/McKeon, Tootie/Fields, and Mrs. Garrett/Rae. – Ed.) But now that I’m all grown up and have learned the hard way that you cannot make a robot using a mannequin and two AA batteries, I finally get to see that my youth was well spent.

The Facts of Life Go to Paris & Season2 Starring: Charlotte Rae, Lisa Welchel, Nancy McKeon, Mindy Cohn, Kim Fields

This is my second attempt at writing a review for this movie, because the first one I submitted only said, “OMGWTFBBQ!?!” After ION’s publisher told me he doesn’t pay me to June 2010

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In The Facts of Life Go to Paris, the troop goes to France so the girls can take additional lessons overseas and Mrs. Garrett will earn a culinary degree in order to upgrade from Headmistress to Headmistress/ Dietician. Most of the in school stuff is condensed into a very short, uninteresting montage, before the girls go on a five day trip to Paris where, presumably, the real adventure begins.

After sneaking away from their tour group, Blaire, Natalie, and Tootie check out the city while Jo heads to the country to catch a motor-cross race only to be thrown off course by fate and fall in love with a young Frenchman (and all this time I was certain she was gay. Go figure!) Meanwhile, Blaire finally scraps her notions of Parisian love affairs and strikes out on her own while

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Natalie and Tootie end up pestering an American writer and somehow rescue him from the depths of his alcoholism.

Très romantique! But seriously – this film is the worst! I was politely informed by a The Facts of Life connoisseur that Tootie serves as the moral compass for the group, but all I could think when she was advising Natalie “Screw Your 18 Inches of Personal Space and Pay Attention to Me” Green to help out the alcoholic writer was “Hello, Budding Codependent/Enabler!”

If this show was supposed to teach us lessons about grace, humility, humanity, and navigating the rough waters of female adolescence, I can now see why so many of my women friends are in therapy. So good job, The Facts of Life! Looks like you left the good and took the bad and in the end, what was had? 90 minutes of crap.

And 22 episodes.

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Oregano’s

A Taste of Chicago in Our Own Backyard Chicago. City of the Big Shoulders.

Mobsters. Ferris Bueller. That toddlin’ town is famous for everything from bootlegging to Mrs. O’Leary’s pyromaniac cow. But don’t forget, Chicago is also the ancestral ItalianAmerican home of Oregano’s loving Gibbilini family. They weren’t part of Al Capone’s famous St. Valentine’s Day Massacre – as far as we know – but since 1929 (the same year as the mob’s massacre, coincidentally) they’ve been part of the hallowed tradition of creating Chicago thin crust and Chicago style stuffed and pan pizza, plus terrific Italian food including pasta, lasagna, insalata and other culinary creations with their own Old Country/New World spin.

Enter owner Mark Russell, the creator and mastermind of locally owned and operated Oregano’s Pizza Bistro. Chef Ken Likewise has tailored the hallowed recipes of old Mama Gibbilini dating back to the 1920s to suit the bistro’s enthusiastic audience, and created a few zingers of his own. Starting off with one humble location in Old Town Scottsdale – which is ripe with a few hot tomatoes and spicy peppers you won’t find on the menu – they’ve expanded to eight homey, festive locations statewide.

Whether you’re seated outside on an airy patio with a Chicago mural, or inside at one of their vast, colorful chinlevel tables, you’d better be

ready to tuck into their pancia-pleasing pizza, pasta and more.

Try starting off with the mind-blowing Guaca-Tony. You’ll get a generous pan of buttery, crisp “pizza chips” with a bowl of Italian style guacamole, made with basil, roasted garlic, red onion and, of course, avocado. It’s all handmade, and only $8.69. Eight more appetizers are available, including mind-bending mushrooms, calamari, and toasted ravioli.

If you’d like to start of your meal – or even make a meal – with something fresh from the garden, choose from nine different crisp, cool salads. Oregano’s Favorite is a crowd-pleaser. Romaine, sundried

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tomatoes, kalamata olives, their spiced feta cheese, roasted red peppers, red onions, pine nuts and raisins are tossed with a house-made honey vinaigrette. A huge plate is $8.69. Add grilled chicken for a few bucks more.

If you’ve got a Sear’s Tower sized appetite, try one of Oregano’s four Chicago Style stuffed pizzas. Their classic Numero One-o is a combo of homemade sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms, onions and green peppers is enough to start another Haymarket Riot. These hefty pizzas start at $18.95 – and trust me. You’ll have leftovers.

And just as delicious the next day. I know.

Eleven varieties of Chicago style thin crust or pan pizza are available, running the gamut from the traditional to the creative, such as the Southwest Signature with cilantro pesto, chicken, cotija cheese or a Rosemary Chicken Potato pie. Looking for something extra? You’ve got a whopping 45 different additional toppings to choose from that you can add. Yes, including anchovies.

Pasta la vista, baby! Watching carbs?

Fageddaboudit! Let loose and ca“noodle” up to one of their seven inventive pasta options. The Big Rig Pasta offers a huge bowl of rigatoni pasta covered with a tomato-chipotle cream sauce, chopped basil, diced Roma tomatoes and parmesan. Rich and racy! Oregano’s also features three varieties of lasagna, all baked fresh. With a 30-45 minute, plan 48

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ahead. You won’t regret it, bambinos.

It’s great to know that Oregano’s offers whole grain wheat pizza crust and whole grain wheat. Not only that, they’ve got several vegetarian pizza ‘n’ pasta options available. And if you’re in a rush, try their Midday Rush menu: Bolla Pasta, the mini stuffed Pizza of the Day or a Heckuva Slice. You’ll be in-and-out with this special since there won’t be a Magnificent Mile-long line wait for these lunches.

Best of all, with six convenient locations in the Valley, you don’t have to be Abe Frohman, the Sausage King of Chicago to get a table, either.

Oregano’s

For locations and hours and a full menu, visit www.oreganos.com

GAY-FRIENDLY RESTAURANT GUIDE

Acacia Cafe AZ 88 FEZ Hanny’s Hana Japanese Eatery Harley’s Bistro Mama Mia’s Mama Mia’s Mazie’s Mi Patio My Florist Cafe & Bar Pink Spot Switch Thai E-San Ticoz Z Pizza (Central Phx) Z Pizza (Downtown) Z Pizza (North Phx)

ADDRESS TYPE

PHONE

3701 E. Indian School - Phx 7353 Scottsdale Mall - Scotts.

3815 N. Central Ave. - Phx 40 N. 1st Street - Phx 7th Ave. at Missouri 4221 N. 7th Ave. - Phx 3937 E. Indian School - Phx 806 E. Indian School - Phx 4750 N. Central Ave. - Phx 3347 7th Ave at Osborn - Phx 534 W. McDowell - Phx 49 W. Thomas Road - Phx 2603 N. Central Ave. 616 W. Indian School - Phx 5114 N. 7th St - Phx 53 W. Thomas Rd. - Phx 111 W. Monroe St - Phx 1367 N.Tatum Blvd - Phx

602-956-0908 480-994-5576 602-287-8700 602-252-2285 602-973-1238 602-234-0333 602-508-0444 602-277-5512 602-274-2828 602-277-4831 602-254-0333 602-265-3889 602-264-2295 602-297-8888 602-200-0160 602-234-3289 602-254-4145 602-765-0511

Cafe American Moroccan Fusion Contemporary Japanese Italian Pizza / Carryout Pizza / Carryout Cafe/Bistro Mexican American Ice Cream/Coffee Cont. American Thai Caribbean Fusion Pizza/Subs Pizza/Subs Pizza/Subs June 2010

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night for life

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Photos by Deon Brown www.IONAZ.com

June 2010 51

DJ Larry Tee “Gettin’ LICKY wit it!”

by Deon Brown

DJ Larry Tee has been dubbed the “Andy Warhol of dance music” and describes his sound as “packing more attitude than Lily Allen on a bad hair day.” Others say it has “a vivacious mix of booty bass and disposable techno.”

Hailing from Atlanta, Georgia, DJ Larry Tee started and named the infamous DISCO 2000 of Party Monster movie fame, and DJ’ed at New York City’s legendary nightclub, the ROXY. He has played alongside Lady Gaga, The Pet Shop Boys, Kraftwerk, The Gorillas, New Order, LCD Soundsystem, N*E*R*D, Chemical Brothers, The Cure, Katy Perry and Fatboy Slim and others and at festivals worldwide.

DJ Larry paused between engagements in London to answer a few questions about his “street cred,” his historic musical collaborations, and his upcoming appearance at “Crotch Rockitt” at Forbidden Nightclub this month.

ION: You’re the music producer who helped launch the music careers of the B-52s with “Rock Lobster,” RuPaul, Scissor Sisters, Peaches, and more.

Fischerspooner, How do you spot “The Next Big Thing”?

DJ Larry Tee: Well, let me make clear that I was in the band the FANS that produced the B-52s “Rock Lobster,”

but that was before I was in the band, and I only helped promote the talents of the bands above. Though I co-wrote “Supermodel (You Better Work)” for RuPaul, all the above talents were were making music already, I only tried to give them exposure and a stage to practice their talents on. “The Next Big Thing” is really looking for exciting new music and talent and listening to my heart to see what excites me. I’m very excitable!

ION: You coined and trademarked the music term “electroclash” in 2001. Can you tell us more about that?

DJ Larry Tee: In 2001, I took a course which suggests that you do things that touch, move and inspire you. At the time I was superexcited about the electro acts that were starting to appear, like Fischerpooner, Chicks On Speed, Peaches, Ladytron, and ADULT. and was working on a girl-group of my own called WIT. So when I had to do a project for the course, I decided to do a festival with all the above artists and named the festival “Electroclash.”

The festival became legendary and the name got highjacked – not that I minded. he he he hee ION: Is it true that your roadtrip from Atlanta to New York inspired the film, “To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar”?

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DJ Larry Tee: Not sure.

But I came to NYC with RuPaul and Lahome van Zandt, two legendary Atlanta drag queens in a van in 1987 and we had made similar trip with the Lady Bunny in tow, also. It just seems [true] ethnically and esthetically; there are a ton of similarities to the two stories. But those girls in the movies weren’t as beautiful or as talented as the girls we had in our van.

ION: You DJ’d at New York’s legendary Roxy. Was that the “golden age” of club music?

DJ Larry Tee: Well, certainly my three years as the main Saturday night DJ was a good

time to be DJing.

At the time the songs like “Gypsie Woman” by Crystal Waters, “Ride On TIme” by Blackbox, “Groove is in the Heart” by Deee-Lite and Madonna were all coming from the dance floor and going into the top 40, which is not something that happens anymore, really, very often. I did love spinning for 3000 people each week! It was more of a re-birth of New York nightlife because, after the HIV/AIDS epidemic that destroyed the Gay scene in NYC, it was the first huge club to emerge bringing new life and music to New York.

ION: What is the future of club music and the club scene?

DJ Larry Tee: Hell, if I know! I do worry about the club scene in America because often the crowds don’t want to dance to something they can’t already sing along with – which is really the death to new music.

Of course, its important to play songs that people are familiar with also, but I always went to clubs to get lost in some amazing new music or feeling of discovery.

ION: In 1992 you co-wrote RuPaul’s legendary

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“Supermodel (You Better Work).” You’ve also worked with Amanda Lepore with her anthem, “My P*ssy,” re-edited Kelly’s “Shoes” and remixed for Lady Gaga. What have been your favorite collaborations?

DJ Larry Tee: How could I pick just one collaboration? I loved working with Perez Hilton, who is a lot nicer than anyone thinks. I just did a yet-to-bereleased song about Gay hate crime victim Matthew Sheppard, which was a great collaboration with Andy Bell from Erasure.

ION: What can clubbers and music fans expect at your June 18 appearance at Forbidden?

Any surprises for us?

DJ Larry Tee: OMG! I can only say that if they come to dance with open ears I will knock their socks off. And if they come to hear songs they already know, then they will probably be rewarded also. But I have some new remixes of Kele from Bloc Party, and Roisin Murphy and the Crookers that I’m going to throw down.

ION: Tell us about your debut album of original material,

“Club Badd” including the hit, “LICKY.” DJ Larry Tee: I am so happy that “LICKY” has taken on a life of its own from off my album that came out about a year ago. It’s in the new Russell Brand movie [Get Him To The Greek] and in the TV show NCSI as well as tailored to be a song from Motown artist, Sonttelle. Steve Aoki even put Santogold rapping on it when he put it on his compilation. Now, the song “Let’s Make Nasty” is getting the same sort of treatment after spending five months on the top downloads charts.

It’s amazing that after having been a drug addict for years and getting clean 12 years ago, that now I’m making the best music of my career and having more fun than ever. Thanks NA! I have so many friends from Phoenix and am super excited to come down and kick some butts – in a friendly way of course!

You can catch the legendary spinmeister DJ Larry Tee throwin’ it down hardcore at “Crotch Rockitt” on Friday, June 18 at Forbidden Nightclub in Scottsdale, 6820 E. 5th Ave. You can follow Crotch Rockitt and Forbidden on Facebook or visit www.forbiddenaz. com for events and updates.

June 2010 www.IONAZ.com 55

FIRST GAY KICK-BALL LEAGUE!

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June 2010

Photos by Nancy Nelson

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Splash Bash

Photos by Carlos Silva 58

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June 2010

MORE PICTURES ON PAGE 62-63

PARTY CAM

gay day www.IONAZ.com

June 2010

The New You Starts HERE!

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Splash Bash X

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Photos by Carlos Silva

BENEFITING 1N10

Photos by Deon Brown

with jessica & hunter www.IONAZ.com June 2010

Carlos Silva J.C. Gardiner Beth Crosby Craig Rubin Felipe Caldeira Casey Cassidy Deon Brown Michelle King Ryan Jenkins Christine Jenkins

Clayton McKee Marco Noah Breanna Flippen Heather Johnson Mario Vasquez Bradford Crespo Antonio Espinoza Nathan Gilligan Raul Zubiate Jr.

Sam Marrero Dan Dykas Brian Charles Pittman Edward Foster Mike Scofield Justin Hunsley Todd Kostenko Jamie Henderson-Mays Lloyd Henderson-Mays

Michael Blane Patrick Wells Joey Sarandos Rob Brock Matt John Bobby Eric Irestone

Special thanks to Nick Ray, Micheal Weakly and the staff of Wet ‘n’ Wild- Phoenix!

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Photography - Jerry O’Conner | Art - Kevin Bushaw Models are Christine, Bigtime, Mako, and Luke Special Thanks to AZ Pole Dancing Studio, Dick’s Cabaret, BS West, Boom Boom Larue’s 602-265-3441 & Sebastian’s Locker Room 602-255-0212

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AZ Pole Dancing Studio’s Mako narrowly avoids the Croc in a Leather-clasped Suit from Pistol Pete, Available at Boom Boom LaRue’s (just north of Osborn on 16th Street)

Christine breaks it down at the AZ Pole Dancing Studio’s Weekly Classes for guys and girls.

Check out azpoledancestudio.com

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Luke from BS West Rumbles in the Jungle in Colt Racer Briefs and Leather Armband from Sebastian’s Locker-room (inside the Antique ArtiZen Market on 7th Ave. and Osborn) June 2010

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Christine, Mako of AZ Pole Dancing Studio, and Bigtime show off some real acrobatics! Book a class, or swing by Dick’s Cabaret to get a close-up demonstration!

Bigtime’s Blue Zebra Boxer-Briefs are from Boom Boom LaRue’s June 2010

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Luke, Go Go Boy Extraordinaire from from BS West sports 1/2 a suit from Greg Homme, available at Boom Boom LaRue’s June 2010

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Mako is the Owner and Instructor at AZ Pole Dancing Studio Swimwear from Boom Boom LaRue’s

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June 2010

SYA

“BORIIIICUAAAAA” and a crowd of 1200 people go wild at DJ Freddie Entertainment’s 2010 4th Annual Puerto Rican Festival, that took place inside Graham Central Station in Tempe, Arizona. SYA - La Voz De Oro or The Golden Voice is known as the face of Arizona’s Puerto Rican community. Having the honor of opening up for Puerto Rico’s Ray De La Paz, Tito Rojos, Don Omar’s Marcy’s Place and Luisito Ayala Y La Puerto Rican Power, her dynamic vocals, stage presence and diverse background SYA has been winning the hearts and interest of many. She not only won the heart’s of her Latino community, but also the gay community. This bilingual artist was privileged to be involved with the Arizona’s 2010 Pride Festival that took place at Indian Steele Park.

Performing on the same main stage that Joan Jet, Colby O’Donis

La Voz De Oro

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and Nina Sky performed on, SYA presented herself as Donna Summers and Janet Jackson under the RISE production. She was also able to perform her new hit single “Attitude” produced by award winning Latin producer Joe Zazueta. Not new to the gay community, SYA has worked professionally as a dancer, actor and singer with Luis Egurrola a.k.a Big Weezy who is owner of EPIK Dance Company and lead choreographer for Phoenix Mercury and Phoenix Suns. Soon to be release this summer SYA’s album “BELIEVE” will be a mix of electro pop, dance and touch of sazon a Latin spice. SYA has performed Nationally and Internationally. And for those of you who would like to see SYA in action she will be live on stage at Forbidden Nightclub on Saturday, June 26th, 2010 brought to you by iiMijo Productions and Dj Shy Entertainment.

ION: WHAT CAN YOUR FANS EXPECT FROM YOUR UPCOMING ALBUM “BELIEVE”?

SYA: I know they are going to love it. The album was produced and developed for my fans who love to dance and have a good time. Most of the songs on the album are very sassy and upbeat. But one song in particular was produced to inspire my fans, which is the the song “Believe”. I wanted to give my fans and listeners a song that will allowed them to pick themselves back up if they find themselves in a bad situation.

ION: WHAT’S YOUR CONNECTION WITH THE GAY COMMUNITY? SYA: It’s been a big part of me since I started in the entertainment industry. I have lot’s of close friends who are gay. I have been in the entertainment industry for over 10 years and I have had so many great experiences! The honest truth is that I depend on my close gay friends for fashion, dance, music and style advice! The community has treated me with love and respect and very appreciative towards my music and presentations. We always have a great time together.

ION: WHAT CAN THE AUDIENCE EXPECT TO SEE IN YOUR SHOW? SYA: Lot’s of energy and “ATTITUDE”

with my live vocals! I like to do a lot of audience participation, so my audience can be a part of my show. Positive and happy synergy is what I like portray for my fans and audience. I also have a professional dance background, so I always have choreography included in my performances.

Always have to make it rock don’t stop!!!

ION: ARE THERE ANY ARTIST YOU WOULD LIKE TO COLLABERATE WITH? SYA: It such a wide range question, but right now David Guetta, Pit Bull and Will I Am, will be a dream collaboration. But also because of my Latin background and future Salsa album, I would love to work with Marc Anthony. I believe that our vocal dynamics will blend in very nicely in a song. I have been getting a lot of request on a Latin Salsa album so right now we are working with a few Latin producers.

ION: I’VE SEEN THAT YOU OPEN UP FOR A LOT OF GREAT ARTIST, WHICH ONE IS MOST MEMORABLE? SYA: I have to say Tito Rojas, when I performed at the 3rd Annual Arizona Salsa Festival sponsored by azsalsa.net!

Because he is a legend in Salsa music, my parents grew up in Puerto Rico listening to him. So it was an honor for me to be on the same stage of an icon. The energy of the audience was amazing, the best part of it all was meeting Tito Rojas and manager back stage and them calling me “Celia Cruz” who is the Queen of Salsa, may her soul rest in peace. It was a very humbling and heart warming experience.

ION: SO, WHATS NEXT FOR SYA? SYA: My goal is to release two albums this year! One will be “Believe” which is my dance electro- pop album and my other one will be my Spanish Salsa album. But most importantly generate good music to make people happy! I have a mission in my life to spread love, peace and happiness.

For more information on SYA’s presentation at Forbidden Nightclub on Saturday, June 27th go www.iimijo.com or facebook @ www.facebook.com/syamusic or www. myspace.com/syamusik.

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Vol. 4, Issue 3

JUNE 2010

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

Mani-Pedicabs? Relax.

It’s Palmolive.

OUTRAGEOUS!

SCOTTSDALE – “The Dirty” set of Scottsdale, Trust Fund Babies and other 30 Thousand Dollar Millionaire’s of The West’s Most Western Town eagerly greeted an upgrade to the popular Pedicabs.

These trendy rickshaws ferry drunken Scottsdale d-bags and bleached hair and teeth bimbos from one hoity-toity watering hole to another every night.

Manipedicab manipedis on our way from Frank and Lupe’s to Suede last Saturday! I would’ve got a salt scrub, too, except we had to stop while I held Britney’s extensions back when she puked.

I told her not to eat that quesadilla after doing 18 shots of Patron at Dos Gringos.”

OUTRAGEOUS!

ManiPedicabs are a big hit with the But serious binge men, too. Blade drinkers need to look Shipp, 28, enjoyed good from head to pedicure. “I’m ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLYhis ACCIDENTAL toe. That’s where Li-Li’s Hoof ‘n’ Hair & Metrosexual,” he said. “Okay, so I shave Nail Detail comes in. They’ve partnered with my toe knuckles and wax my eyebrows.

Pronto Pedicabs for a novel concept: the And just because I give bj’s once in a Scottsdale Mani-Pedicabs. Dames and dudes while doesn’t make me Gay. I always get a can get their nails done while they’re on the Manipedicab pedi before I go to BS West on go from one lush bar’s imported beer bust to Wednesdays. I only do clear polish, FYI.” another’s 1 cent u-call-it special.

Prices start at $30 for manicures, $50 for Caitlyn and Britney from DC Ranch agreed. pedicures. Tips are appreciated. No credit “Ohmigod! Like, we both totally got French cards, please.

OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

OUTRAGEOUS! “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Repeal Close. Pentagon Plans Circuit Party.

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

WASHINGTON, this party is going D.C. – President to be off the hook, Obama’s promise Mary. The men to repeal the have all the hot, military’s hated sexy uniforms and “Don’t Ask, muscles, while the Don’t Tell” policy Lesbians – well concerning Gays – they certainly ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLYhave ACCIDENTAL in the armed comfortable services instituted shoes.”

by Pres. Bill Clinton in 1993 is Events are coming to fruition. expected to The House of include a Friday Representatives Night “Dog Tag recently voted 229-196 and the Senate Team” party, and Saturday night party Armed Services Committee voted 16-12 in themed “Barrack Backing” where The favor to repeal the law prohibiting Gays who Village People will open for the legendary serve in the military and openly acknowledge chanteuse Lady Gaga. Sunday morning their sexual orientation and are still willing the Navy will prepare a lovely brunch, and to die for their country. that afternoon Kylie Minogue will sing at a Tea Dance, slated to take place on deck of ANY RESEMBLANCE THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL Inside sources report that Gays currently sixISaircraft carriers scheduled to arrive at ANY RESEMBLANCE TOTO THE TRUTH TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL working in the Pentagon are planning a huge Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. More than 100,000 circuit party called “We’re Telling, Girl!” glowsticks and 50,000 candy pacifiers are which will be organized by veteran party on order. mogul and event planner Jeffrey Sanker.

One Gay Marine exclaimed, “Girlfriend, “It’s going to be incredible,” Sanker said. once we come out of the footlocker – look “with an estimated 66,000 Gays, Lesbians out! We’re going into Afghanistan and Iraq and Bisexuals serving in the U.S. military, and we’re gonna have a bitch-slap Jihad and 13,000 currently on active duty plus that’ll shut it down! And we’ll look fierce 53,000 in the National Guard and Reserves, doing it, too, bitches.”

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS!

June 2010 www.IONAZ.com 83 ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

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OUTRAGEOUS! White House Kitchen Quits!

Chef Orders Take Out for Calderon

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

WASHINGTON, D.C. – White House insiders report that Pres. Obama’s State Dinner for Mexico’s President Felipe Calderon was a colossal flop when the largely undocumented Mexican kitchen staff suddenly quit to protest Arizona’s SB 1070 and McCain’s continuing push to “build that dang fence” across the two nation’s shared border.

Black Bean Tamalon with Grilled Green Beans.

“Not true,” said an anonymous cook. “With no help, we had to go to seventeen area Taco Bells and ordered everything they had on the menu. Gorditacos, Tostiladas, Burritamales, Salsadillas, Tachos, Chimirritos. Authentic Mexican recipes Americans know that Mexicans love. Who ANY RESEMBLANCE TOTHE THETRUTH TRUTH TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL ANY RESEMBLANCE IS IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL “It was shocking,” said one TO White House do they think is going to prepare the food waiter. “Chef Rick Bayless had a delicious and wash the dishes? Some Senator’s menu. The staff suddenly scattered, afraid blonde-haired son who wants $45 an hour? of American INS and deportation when I don’t think so.” security for Pres. Calderon arrived.”

Calderon and First Lady Margarita Zavala The White House Press Association were horrified when they were asked to bus reported that the menu was prepared with tables, launder the tablecloths and mow the a Mexican flair with an entrée of Oregon White House lawn after dinner.

Wagyu Beef in Oaxacan Black Mole and After all, they do have their papers.

OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS!

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IONPHOENIX 1.

1.

Amsterdam Amsterdam

718 Central Ave. Phoenix (602)258-6122 258-6122 718 N.N.Central Ave.- Downtown - Downtown PHX (602)

2.

2.

Apollo’s Apollo’s

5749 N. 7th St. - Phoenix 5749 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

3.

3.

Babylon Showclub

4.

4.

5.

5.

6.

Bar 1

BS West

3708 N. 16th St. - Phoenix

3613 E Van Buren, Phoenix‎ 7125 E. 5th Ave. - Scottsdale

(602) 277-9373 (602) 277-9373 (602) 266-9001

(602) 306-1000‎ (480) 945-9028

Bar 1

3702 N. 16th St. - Phoenix

(602) 266-9001

BS West

7125 E. 5th Ave. - Scottsdale

(480) 945-9028

6.

7.

Bunkhouse Charlie’s

4428 Ave. - Rd. Phoenix 727 N. W. 7th Camelback - Phoenix

(602) (602)200-9154 265-0224

7.

8.

Cash Inn Cherry Bar

2140 Rd.Rd.- -Phoenix 1028E.E.McDowell Indian School Phoenix

(602) (602)244-9943 277-7729

9.

8.

Cherry Lounge Charlie’s

Every starting 11th - Mill Ave. in 265-0224 Tempe 727 W. Thursday Camelback Rd.January - Phoenix (602)

10.

9.

Cherry Bar

10.

11.

11.

12.

Cruisin’ 7th Club Vibe Dick’s Cabaret

3702 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

3432 E. Illini Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 274-DICK

12.

13.

FLEX Men’s Club Dick’s Cabaret

1517 S Black Canyon Hwy - Phoenix 3432 E. Illini Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 271-9011 (602) 274-DICK

13.

14.

Forbidden The Door

6820 Ave. -Rd. Scottsdale 1126E.N.5th Scottsdale - Tempe

forbiddenaz.com (480) 967-DOOR

14.

15.

Forbidden icepics videobar

6820E.E.McDowell 5th Ave. - Scottsdale 3108 Rd. - Phoenix

forbiddenaz.com (602) 267-8707

16.

15.

Homme Incognito

138 E. W. Thomas CamelbackRd. Rd. -- Phoenix Phoenix 2424

(602)955-9805 266-0875 (602)

17.

16.

Karamba

C

18.

17.

19.

18.

20.

Bunkhouse Cash Inn

The Chute Men’s Club Clarendon Hotel

Cruisin’ 7th

icepics videobar Incognito

4428 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

2140 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

1440 E Indian School Rd. - Phoenix

1028 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix 401 W. Clarendon Ave. - Phoenix 3031 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix 3702 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

3108 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

1724 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix 2424 E. Thomas Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 200-9154 (602) 244-9943

(602) 234-1654

(602) 277-7729 (602) CLARENDON

(602) 212-9888

(602) 224-9977 (602) 212-9888

(602) 267-8707

(602) 254-0231 (602) 955-9805

Kobalt

3110 N. Central Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 264-5307

Nu Towne

5002 E Van Buren St. - Phoenix‎

(602) 267-9959

19.

21.

OZ OZ

1804 Home - Phoenix (602) 1804W. W.Bethany Bethany Home Rd.Rd. - Phoenix (602)242-5114 242-5114

20.

22.

Paradise W.E.Osborn Phoenix Plazma Adult Boutique 130 1560 Osborn Rd. Rd. --Phoenix

(602) (602)266-5869 266-0477

23.

21.

Pumphouse II Plazma

(602)266-0477 275-3509 (602)

24.

22.

Pumphouse II

25.

23.

Rainbow Cactus

26.

24.

27.

Karamba Kobalt

Retro Bar The Rock Roscoe’s

The Rock Rainbow Cactus 25. Roscoe’s

1724 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix 3110 N. Central Ave. - Phoenix

4132E.E.Osborn McDowell Rd.- -Phoenix Phoenix 1560 Rd. 3114 E. Cactus Rd. - Phoenix

4132 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix 4129 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

15615 N. Cave Creek Rd. - Phoenix 4531 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

(602) 254-0231 (602) 264-5307

(602) 493-0355

(602) 275-3509 (602) 248-8559

(602) 867-2463 (602) 285-0833

4129 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 248-8559

4531 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

(602) 285-0833

15615 N. Cave Creek Rd. - Phoenix 2303 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 867-2463

28.

Velocity

26.

29.

Velocity Wild Card

2303 Indian Ave. School Rd. - Phoenix (602) 801 E. N. Arizona - Chandler (480)956-2885 857-3088

(602) 956-2885

27.

30.

Girl Club ZZGirl Club

4301N.N.7th 7th Ave. Ave. - -Phoenix

4301 Phoenix

(602)265-3233 265-3233 (602)

June 2010 www.IONAZ.com 91

IONBAR GUIDE SATURDAY

SUNDAY

Amsterdam

Amsterdam’s Signature Night Happy Hour 4-7pm

FRIDAY

Dance - No Cover! $3 Smirnoff cocktails until Mid.

Arts, Industry & ION VIP Night 1/2 price drinks *KARAOKE*

Apollo’s

Comedy Clips 6pm Karaoke 9pm

$1 Bud Light Drafts 2-8p Karaoke 9pm

$1 Bud Light Drafts 2-8p Male Strippers 10:30pm

Babylon

FridayParty with Destiny After Hours

BOYCOTT! Girls Night After Hours

Sunday 18 and over After Hours

Bar 1

Friday Happy Hour 4-7p 10a-4p $1.75 well/ bud draft

Saturday $2 dom bottle 6-9p 10a-4p $1.75 well/ bud draft

Shirtless Sun $1.25 Bud drft 10a-4p $1.75 well/ bud draft

BS West

FUBAR with Elements 9:45p $5 you call it drink & $3 beers

2-4-1 everything all night Go-go dancers - A new tradition

Karaoke 9pm $1 Miller Lite drafts

Charlie’s

$3 pitchers/2-4-1 well/dom 2-7p $1 Happy Hour 7-9p/Afterhours

$3 pitch./2-4-1 well/dom 12-7p $1 Happy Hour 7-9p/Afterhours

Volleyball 4-7pm, NEW 3-4-1 $3 Long Islands, $3 pitchers

Cruisin’ 7th

Fridays $2.50 well & domestic 2-7pm

Saturday $2.50 well & domestic 2-7pm

Sundays $2.50 well & domestic 2-7pm

Dick’s Cabaret

2-4-1 VIP Dances 7pm ‘til 9pm

Off the Hook Tons of Prizes & Giveaways

2-4-1 Cover Charge, Dances & VIP Wristbands

$3 Pomegranate Presses

$3 Bottle Beer & Tequila Shots

$3 Brunch Drinks 50% off bottles of wine

Forbidden

Crotch Rockitt

The Barbra Seville Show DJ Dancing

Sports Beer Bust Food specials Happy Hour

icepics

MEAT - Go Go Boys/Strippers $3 Wells, $4 Lng Isl., $2 Dom.

The Follies 10pm Great SKYY Drink Specials

Legendary Show Tunes Sunday $3 Wells/ $1.50 Drafts

The Leathermen

Velocity 10:30p - 1:30a

Cruisin’ 7th | Plazma 4:30p - 7:00p | 10:30p - 1:30p

Velocity 9:00p - 11:00p

Karamba

Fridays $4 Pitchers

Saturdays $4 Pitchers

Sundays with Galilea $3 pitchers

R Maizie’s

Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

Happy Hour Brunch 9a-2p 3-6pm Everyday

Brunch All Day

R Mi Patio

Fridays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Saturdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Sundays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

R My Florist Cafe

Fridays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Saturdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Sundays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Nu Towne

Fridays 9pm Mike’s in the House Pool Tour.

Saturdays Hot Men Hot Music & $1.25 shot special

Sundays 2pm-2am Our Famous $1 Beer Bust/BBQ

Pumphouse II

Bottoms Up Fridays 2-4-1 all drinks

Hot Bodz Male Revue Hosted by Savannah

Sundays Happy Hour All Day!

The Rock

Karaoke @ 10 Poker @ 7 $5 Martinis 7pm-midnight

Diamond Dolls Mya McKenzie $4 Bomber/$3.50 3 Olive Drinks

Rock your Funday Sunday Tea dance, DJ, specials, food

R Roscoe’s*

All Star Grill Specials Great Happy Hour

All Star Grill Opens at 11am

$8 Sunday Brunch $8 Long Island Pitchers

R Switch

Fridays Open from 11am-Midnight

Saturday Open from 11am-Midnight

Sundays Open from 11am-Midnight

R Ticoz

Fridays Open from 11am-Midnight

Saturday $1 brunch drinks Open from 11am-Midnight

Sundays $1 brunch drinks Open from 11am-Midnight

Fridays Events TBA Outrageous Happy Hour 1-8pm

Saturday Events TBA Outrageous Happy Hour 1-8pm

Sundays Beer Bust 16oz. Bud & Bud Light Draft

R FEZ

Velocity

R 92

FULL MENU

* LIMITED MENU/TIMES

www.IONAZ.com June 2010

FREE PROJECT HARD HAT CONDOMS

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

Martinis & Manicures $5 Martinis

MONDAY

Arts, Industry & ION VIP Night 1/2 price drinks

College Night 1/2 price drinks with student ID

Divas Live! $3 Diva Shots during the show

Drag Bingo 2 for 1 U Call-It Open-Close

‘Tini Tuesdays 2-4-1 Call Martinis Open-Close

Happy Hour 8am-8pm $2.75 well & dom.

Karaoke 9:30pm Happy Hour 8-8 $2.75 well/dom

Monday Open Mic Night $3 Smirnoff Martinis

Country Night $2 Beers All Night

Wednesday Dance Party $2 Babylon Shots All Night

Thursday Dance Party $2 Babylon Shots All Night

Monday $1 Bud Lt. Drft 4-cl.

10a-4p $1.75 well/ bud draft

KAROKE $2.50 wel, dom 10a-4p $1.75 well/ bud draft

$1 OFF in your undies/leather 10a-4p $1.75 well/ bud draft

Thursday 2-4-1 U Call It 10a- cl 10a-4p $1.75 well/ bud draft

W.H.O.R.E. Service Industry $2 dom $3 well $4 bombers

Community Benefit/Fundraiser Book you event @ bswest.com

2-4-1 All Day and All Night A valley tradion!

Karaoke 9pm $2 drafts

Underwear Party 8-cl 1/2 price 2-8pm $3 pitch. 2-4-1 well/dom

2-8p $3 pitch./2-4-2 well/dom 8p-Close 2-4-1 cocktails/dom

2-8p $3 pitch./2-4-1 well/dom 8p-close $3 Pinnacle

2-4-1 All Day! Cocktails and beer

Mondays 2-4-1 Well 7pm-9pm

Tuesdays 2-4-1 Well 7pm-9pm

Wednesdays 2-4-1 Well 7pm-9pm

Thursdays 2-4-1 Well 7pm-9pm

2-4-1 Cover Charge, Dances, VIP Wristbands

Amateur Night Starts at 10pm

S.I.N. Bring Your Dancer ID and get VIP Pricing

Hot Studs All Night Long $5.00 Off with VIP Keychain

$3 Burgers $3 Margaritas

‘tini Tuesdays $3 Martinis

$20 Any Bottle of Wine and small plate

$3 G Spots

Closed Mondays Open Tuesday-Sunday 4p-2a

Happy Hour 3-7pm Karaoke w/ Brad 9pm

Happy Hour 3-7pm Showroom Trivia 7pm

Inferno Party 18+ Hotspot

Comedy Night 2-4-1 well / beer (8p-2a)

Mustache Ride First Tuesday 2-4-1 well / beer

Karaoke $4 martinis & Lng Isl. $3 Well/$2 Domestic Bottle

HOT ASS Best ass wins $100 2-4-1 well / beer (8p-2a) Cruisin’ 7th 10:30p - 12:30p

Charlie’s 10:00p- 1:00a

Thursdays with Ruby & Tyra $2 drinks all night

Closed

Tuesday with Grecias $2 Drinks All Night

$3 Bistro Burgers $10.00 off of all Bottled Wines

Tuesday Night Fish & Chips Wednesday BBQ Short Ribs Selected Beers $3 Starts @ 5pm Selected Beers $3 Starts @ 5pm

Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

Mondays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Tuesdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Wednesdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Thursdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Mondays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Tuesdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Wednesdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Thursdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Get Your Wood Here!

2x4 happy hour all day/night

Bust a Beer Nut $1 draft & $1 hot nuts

Wednesdays $3 well margaritas 9pm-2am

Singin in the shower w/ Mr. Karaoke 8pm-mid

Mondays 2-4-1 7-close

Tuesdays Dart tournament

Wednesdays 2-4-1 well & domestic

Hot Bodz Male Revue Hosted by Savannah

Lady’s Night Free pool $1 Miller Lite Drft, $4.50 Bomb.

Guys Night Out Happy hour all day long

Industry Night $2 Well & Domestic $3 Bombs

Poker Night $3.50 Long Islands $1 Off Draft Pitchers

Monday Pool Tournament

2 for Tuesdays 2-4-1 drinks all day

Wednesday All Day Happy Hour

Thursdays 2-4-1 7pm

Mondays Open from 11am-Midnight

Tuesdays Open from 11am-Midnight

Wednesdays Open from 11am-Midnight

Thursdays Open from 11am-Midnight

Mondays Open from 11am-Midnight

Tuesdays 11am-Midnight

Wednesdays 11am-Midnight

Thursdays 11am-Midnight

Mondays Underwear Night 8-2a Outrageous Happy Hour 1-8pm

Tuesdays $1 Bud Beer Bust 8-2 Wednesdays 2-4-1 8pm-2am Outrageous Happy Hour 1-8pm Outrageous Happy Hour 1-8pm

Wednesdays with Diamond $2 Drinks All Night

ION ARIZONA

Thurs Weekend Leather Launch $2.50 Domestic 8pm-2am

94

www.IONAZ.com June 2010

by Addison DeWitt

You know Barbra, Devina, TC and Angela. Miss Ebony, Felicia, Mya and Kiki. But does anyone recall ... the most famous drag queen of all? Aficionados of the art of female impersonation eagerly await the historic return of The one. The only. Miss Celia Putty!

Background story: Once upon a time in the last millennium of the last decade of the last century, the fabled, now longdefunct cocktail lounge of Wink’s not only serving booze, but shoveling out pounds of cocaine in the restroom, too.

Oh, now just relax. Like nobody knew.

They’ve been closed for years now and the statue of limitations has run out, so I’m pretty sure that I can’t be sued for libel. I hope. Back then Wink’s was the roost of drag queens like the lovable, toothless old heifer Tish Tanner (RIP) and others.

and enormously entertaining Putty, who’s charisma and onstage antics turn men into convulsing, spitting, pigs. I’ve seen it happen. Celia hits the stage in September, and I can’t wait. So mark your calenders, dearies! This’ll be an appearance you won’t want to miss!

AN OPEN LETTER TO ALL GO-GO BOYS & STRIPPERS: It pains me to say this. No it doesn’t. Not really.

Kids, spit out your chewing gum before you get up on the Boy Boxes or start swinging on the brass pole. I’m tired of watching you up there chomping away on your Hubba-Bubba Bubble Gum like a cow chewing its cud. It doesn’t make you look sexy, it just makes you look cheap and slutty. And I know you don’t want to come across like that, now do you? (But you can come across my face anytime. I can’t believe I just said that.

Yes I can.) But unless you want me to name names, stop it. Now. Thank you.

About ten years ago the rumor mill reported that the late Putty’s foamrubber padded body was allegedly discovered in the Arizona Canal when actually she was sold into white slavery and the sex trade in the Black Hole of Calcutta-slash-Palm Springs. Some fascinating videos recounting Putty’s desperate days were produced. I’ve seen ‘em, too, folks, and hoo-boy!

Who knew the sex trade was so much fun?

Now the town’s a-buzz, heralding the return of the talented, ravishing,

Celia Putty June 2010

www.IONAZ.com 95

by Addison DeWitt

Speaking of strippers ... former weeniewagger David Hernandez is Officially (and that’s with a capital “O”) on my “Icky Nasty Caca Poo-Poo List.” And that’s one list you don’t wanna be on, believe-you-me. Seems that the 2008 American Idol reject is too big for his britches these days. I got a very chilly reception from la Hernandez after I offered him a friendly salutation at Phoenix Pride. Scant days later, his nose was up in the air once again when I saw him at the “Night for Life” event where he was touted as a “Singer, Songwriter, and Actor.” Actor? Huh? Starring in your high school production of The Fantasticks doesn’t count.

After crooning in the banquet hall lobby to an audience of – count ‘em – four tweens at the fundraiser, the snooty songbird hightailed it out of the Biltmore and spent a raucous night on the town later where he was seen making out with a variety of local swains and desperadoes.

From where I sit, it seems to me that someone who hopes to make it to the proverbial Big Time ought to be nice to people. He sure was a lot friendlier back in the good ol’ days when he sat naked on my accommodating lap at Dick’s Cabaret – all for the price of a dollar and a salted peanut. And just for that I’m defriending you on Facebook and throwing

away your Christmas CD. So there. I bet that Justin Bieber never acts like that.

So there. Big International Symbol for ‘NO’ to David Hernandez. So there.

Word on the street is that a fabulous new restaurant and bar for the glitterati, gadabouts and nabobs in town, slated to open near the heart of downtown and the Light Rail by someone near and dear to ION’s heart and a familiar (and very handsome) face on top of a bangin’ body that just won’t quit at Amsterdam. As of press time he’s keeping mum on the particulars, but I’m on the edge of my bidet with anticipation!

We’ll know more by mid-month, I’m told.

And this month’s Party Penguin of the Month is just too much to touch!

I’m shocked and surprised he hasn’t been picked before. It’s as obvious as the Spanx on my ass! It’s none other than Jonathan James Berry! This gorgeous guy’s at every Splash Bash and at practically at every bar’s event.

Sometimes he’s in boy drag. Once in a while he’s in mommy’s clothes. If you’re mommy dresses like Lady Gaga, that is. He’s a gender-bending blast and we love him! Or her. Depending.

Congratulations!

Invite Addison to your pool party this summer! Just don’t play your David Hernandez CDs, chew gum while you’re stripping or hold him underwater in the deep end.

Write to him at rumorhound@aol.com

96

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June 2010

www.IONAZ.com 97

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22

Mama told you there’d be days like this. And sometimes there’s an entire month. But keep a stiff upper lip. Mid-month things will turn a corner and you’ll find it was all worthwhile.

Then go shopping.

Sometimes you just have to say, “Screw it” and eat ten candy bars in a row. The stars won’t blame you. This month. But don’t make a habit of it. But if you share a couple with a Taurus, you just might find you have something in common. Besides candy bars.

Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23

The thermometer is rising ... and so is your PAQ. Public Attention Quotient. Everybody wants to be in your orbit this month. And a lot of people want to touch you. The planets agree: you got it goin’ on.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Pull all the stops out! You’re a schizo, Gemini! Let both of your twin personalities go to work and you’ll have one Pisces, three Aquarians and at least four Leos vying for at least one Twin’s attention.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

You know the old expression, “It’s time to pay the piper”? It’s time to settle a debt that you welshed on with an friend. It may be monetary, or it may be spiritual. Do the right thing. You won’t be so “crabby” if you do it by the 20th. And smile!

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22

It’s time to show everybody that you are King – or Queen – of the Forest, Lion. With a royal growl and your Type A personality you’ll be the leader of the pack. Or the pride, as the case may be. Grrr! Go get ‘em!

Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22

Tan? Check. Cute strappy sandals? Check.

Swimsuit? Check. Haircut? Check. Sex appeal? Double-check! Summer will be good to you, Virgo! Just make sure you’ve got fresh breath, too, or else those condoms and lube will be no good at all.

98

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June 2010

The stars are in alignment. The planets say, “All systems go!” Just be sure you have your seatbelts on and look out for cops. It’s always better to err on the side of caution. Now you can hit the gas, baby.

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23

You’re the apple of somebody’s eye out there.

If you’re a little tart, they may go looking for a Red Delicious. Act a little fruity. People expect it from you. Especially Geminis. They eat that shit up.

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20

Think about starting a new hobby.

Remember: stalking is not a hobby. Subtlety has never been one of your strong suits.

Practice the art of flirting. You have such pretty eyes, after all.

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

Too many cooks spoil the broth. So you might want to get rid of one or two or you’ll have a “Kitchen Nightmare.” In your bedroom. Let the sous chef know he’s tops. Or bottoms. It doesn’t really matter with you.

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

Picky, picky, picky. This month you need to open your horizons. And lengthen your vistas while you’re at it. If you rise up high enough, you’ll be able to see the curve of the earth, even! Or at least Russia from your backyard.

June 2010 www.IONAZ.com 99