ION Arizona Magazine #147

September 2013 www.IONAZ.com 1

HERE’S TO FIRST DOWNS

AND FIRST ROUNDS. Stacked logo with gold drop and slight gradation on red

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Celebrating our Thrilling Threes!

Lunch. Dinner.

Late Night. Happy Hour.

Weekend Brunch.

Online Reservations @ blissrebar.com

Blowout Celebration Weekend 9/27-9/29 Giveaways • Guest DJs • Specials • And More Details released at Facebook.com/blissrebar

$5 Mondays

5 Apps priced at $5 plus Happy Hour all day

$10 Tuesdays

$10 any sandwich, side salad, choice of soda, domestic bottled beer, or house wine

901 north 4th street 602.795.1792 blissrebar

20% Off Wednesdays

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20% off entire bill until 9pm* All alchohol half-price 9pm – close

@blissrebar

foursquare.com/blissrebar

*excludes already discounted items

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C O M I N G

S O O N

Redefining Nightclub in Downtown Phoenix!

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find out more at thephxnightclubreborn.com Colors

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PMS 294

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Grand Opening Weekend Oct 18-20 PMS 7407

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718 North Central Avenue • Phoenix • 85004 bar | lounge | nightclub September 2013 www.IONAZ.com 3

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“JOYOUS, CROWD-PLEASING ENTERTAINMENT WITH EYE-POPPING VISUALS AND UNEXPECTED HEART!

3819 North 3rd Street Suite 26, Phoenix, AZ 85012 (602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com ionarizona@me.com

FUNNY & FABULOUS!” - Hollywood Reporter

FEATURING THESE HIT SONGS! “Finally” “We Belong” “Material Girl” “It’s Raining Men” “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” “I Say A Little Prayer”

Publisher / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero ............................................ jacktesorero@me.com

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ..................................................... kbushaw@me.com Editor Deon Brown ................................................... ionazeditor@me.com COPY EDITOR .......................................................... Austin Head GRAPHIC DESIGNER ......................................... Angel Jimenez SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR ..................... Stacey Jay Cavaliere PRODUCTION & Artwork SUBMISSIONS

ionazproduction@me.com Advertising Sales Karrington Valenzuela ............................................... (480) 760-3073 Shane Martos ............................................................ (206) 769-3845 Danny Catt, Regional Sales Director ......................... (520) 429-5905

ionazsales@me.com

TICKETS ON SALE NOW!

ADVERTISING CONSULTANT Bill Knoop ................................................................. (602) 301-8457

Photographers:

Fernando Hernandez Don Thompson Scotty Kirby Franklin Diaz

Jerry O’Conner Danny Catt Sean Kapera Jeremiah Toller

National Advertising Representative Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 ContributORS:

September 17-22 ASU Gammage Tickets at ASU Gammage & asugammage.com 800.982.ARTS (2787) Groups 15+: 480.965.6678

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Wes Bergman Stacey Jay Cavaliere Addison DeWitt Jackson David Kelly C. Edwards

Ted Kirby Albert Rivas Kim Ruff Paul Sanchez Barbra Seville

Published monthly by

1995-2013: 18 Years of Design and Creative Excellence © 2013 JMT Designs, Inc.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.

NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company.

Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

September 2013 www.IONAZ.com 9

N ow that summer is coming to a close, we can finally get outside and enjoy fall in Arizona.

Enjoy the patios at all the great restaurants and bars, hike or bike the many mountains and trails, visit the many beautiful Arizona cities or join a fall sports team.

We always promote a healthy and balanced lifestyle: work, friends, family, travel and exercise. There’s no better way to fulfill this goal than by joining one of Arizona’s many LGBT sports teams. This issue features some of the brightest stars on some of our favorite teams from flag football, softball, bowling and swimming.

Join a league, meet new friends, enjoy your LGBT family! Next month Phoenix plays host to 1000 flag football athletes from across America for Gay Bowl XIII. While delivering last month’s ION to Charlie’s last month (yes, I still deliver magazines), I spoke to an employee who told me he has been reading ION since he came out a few years ago. He wants to be

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Eye on Sports an ION model and because of his desire he’s lost weight. Now when he works out he thinks about being in ION. That is awesome! Thank you! You made my day.

This month check out the interview with David Chapman, author of Universal Hunks, a historic look back at what hot men looked like around the world for over a century.

You might say that they were the ION models of their day. Don’t miss the feature about Krie Stalmatis and the band Austra who are coming to Phoenix.

Coming soon, is Arizona Pride Guide’s Wedding & Honeymoon Expo, SWAY Events’ Swagger Awards, Equality Arizona’s Annual Dinner and, of course, the Sedona/Verde Valley Pride weekend! They’re all happening this month!

Take care, play hard, and be good to each other!

brought to you by an old friend ...

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DJ Robbie McFadden & DJ Kaycee Retro 70’s ~ 80’s ~ 90’s Music

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with Kenny Thames Tuesday Nights 7pm-Close

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DJ Cullen Daniel or DJ Kaycee Fridays 8pm Saturdays 9pm

4343 North 7th Avenue Phoenix facebook.com/stacysatmelrose

602-361-6560

602-264-1700

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saturday 10.05.13 noon - 6pm zorfs 1028 e indian school rd

hosted by

celia putty erica Knowles olivia gardens savannah stevens

the pet pride experience

• dog parK grand opening • outdoor expansion • pet friendly vendors & treats

pet pageants

categories > • best costume • smallest pet • largest pet • best drag • mister and miss phoenix pet pride

All animals must be on leashes $5 suggested donation or 10lb bag of pet food $3 with pet official paws for a cause registration site

proceeds benefting:

sponsored by:

2013 p h o e n i x p e t p r i September d e . c owww.IONAZ.com m

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Wedding & Honeymoon Expo “Here comes the brides!” And grooms. Planning to tie the knot in a same-sex ceremony? Pride Guide Arizona is presenting a Wedding & Honeymoon Expo just for you & your dearly beloved to plan that special day. Raffles, giveaways and a Fashion Show, too! Sunday, September 15 from 11 a.m.-4 p.m at Doubletree by Hilton, 2100 S. Priest Dr. in Tempe. For more info call 602-466-2501. See ad on p. 41 for more details.

Equality Arizona Dinner Dust off your tuxedo and ballgown! It’s time for the event of the season! Stick out your pinky, because it’s the 22nd Annual Equality Arizona Awards Dinner! Honored guests screenwriter Dustin Lance Black (“Milk”) and hilarious writer/comedian Bruce Vilanch will be on hand, too. Mind your manners, it’s on Saturday, September 14 at the Arizona biltmore Resort, 2400 E. Missouri Ave. in Phoenix. For info & tix go to EqualityArizona.org

Club Zarape Check out the newly remodeled Club Zarape! The hottest new Latin club in town has a spacious dance floor with sexy go-go boys every Friday, DJ’s spinning your favorite Latin, Top 40, Dance, Pop and more. Did we mention great drink specials? Be sure to come Friday, September 20, 10 p.m.-midnight for Krazzy Latinos Benefit Travesty fundraiser for AIDS Walk 2013 with Karime Lizaldi and Grecia Montes D’Occa. 1730 E. McDowell Rd. Phoenix.

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G.B.F.! (Gay Best Friend!)

ASU’s “Devil’s Pride” GLBT Alumni chapter presents the movie, “G.B.F.” The fight for Prom Queen takes a turn when openly gay Tanner must choose between popularity and his friends.

A comedy of high school clique culture. Star Michael Willett will attend! Saturday, September 21, 6-9 p.m. at the Marston Exploration Theater, Interdisciplinary Science and Technology Building 4, 781 E. Terrace Rd. in Tempe.

Visit Alumni.ASU.edu & search “LGBT” for info & tix.

Sedona/Verde Valley Pride Weekend This 5th Annual event in the heart of Old Town Cottonwood at the foot of Red Rock country happens Thursday, Sept.26-Sunday, Sept. 29. Come on up for the Meet ‘n’ Greet, Bar Crawl, Dance Party, entertainment, Unholy Bingo and the Festival, of course! Go to SedonaGayPride.org for more info, and check out the ad on p. 81

SEPTeMBER 2013 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE

Sundays Wednesdays Wednesdays Thursdays Sundays Sun 1 Mon 2 Mon 2 Sat 7 Fri 13 Fri 13 Sat 14 Sat 14 Sat 14 Sun 15 Fri 20 Sat 21 Wed 25 Wed 25 Fri 27-29 Sat 10/5 Fri 10/11 Sat 10/26

EVENT

Retro Sundays Karaoke Wednesdays LEZ Dance LEZ Dance Sunday NFL Ticket Carnaval Latino Monday Morning Madness Billy Dare Trailer Trash Party Bearracuda 3 Giveaways Customer Appreciation Equality Arizona’s Annual Awards Dinner Hellraisers Bachelor Auction Unhappy Birthday with Los Esmiths Wedding & Honeymoon Expo Comjunto Amenaza SWAY Swagger Awards BS West Anniversary Party You’ve Been Served Benefit Blowout Celebration Weekend 2nd Annual Pet Pride INFERNO REINCARNATION

LOCATION

Stacy’s @ Melrose ZOAN Cruisin’ 7th Club 24 Roscoe’s on 7th Karamba IBT’s Zorf’s Charlie’s The Rock Karamba The Biltmore Resort Charlie’s The Rock Doubletree by Hilton Karamba Monarch Theatre BS West Charlie’s Bliss/ReBar Zorf’s The Rock BS West

CITY

Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix-Tempe Phoenix Phoenix Scottsdale Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Scottsdale

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Muscle Mania Universal Hunks -

A History of the Male Physique Around the World

by Deon Brown 18

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ho doesn’t love a sleek latissimus dorsi? A plump gluteus maximus? Don’t forget everybody’s favorite, the iliac furrow—the “you-know-what gutters.”

You’ll find all these muscles on a hunk.

Author David L. Chapman has written thirteen books on male photography and bodybuilding. Universal Hunks: A Pictorial History of Muscular Men Around the World 1895-1975, his latest, explores the ideals and models of hunkdom in Europe, Africa, Asia, Australasia, North & South America.

poems.”

ION: What got you interested in “hunk culture?”

David L. Chapman: I love pictures of hunky men. The first item that I collected was in 1959 when I was 11-years-old; I sneaked into a shop and I nervously bought a publication filled with hunky guys wearing virtually nothing called Physique Pictorial. I would gaze longingly at those pictures in the magazine and I had the first inklings of what my catechism teacher Sister MaryLight, smart, Elizabeth breezy and called very sexy, “impure Chapman thoughts.” explores I gradually his favorite understood subject and what was his new motivating book with those ION Arizona. thoughts and urges. As “I’m In this stereoview [early 3D] from 1904, two grapI got older, particularly I always glad to be able plers from Dahomey (now Benin) supposedly wresremembered to hook up tle for a bride. Western interest in this previously that little with readers little-known African country increased in 1903 due to magazine, in Arizona,” a hit Broadway show called “In Dahomey”—causing and I guess he introduced many to run to their maps to find it.

I wanted to himself. relive those “I went to initial feelings of excitement and “impurity.” graduate school at Arizona State University several years ago—okay, it was more like I gathered a collection of original several eons ago. I thought I had a calling photographs, magazines, posters and to study Victorian poetry. Turns out I didn’t other things numbering in the thousands. have much of a calling at all. I did discover Today, I have one of the best and largest three important things about myself while I collections of naked men in the world— was at ASU: well, pictures of naked men, anyway—and 1. I didn’t like Victorian poetry nearly as can you ever have too many naked hunks much as I thought in the house?

2. I liked boys way more than any poem I’d ever read I was more interested in images from the 3. I tend to wilt in a hot, dry climate. late 19th and early 20th centuries, and pictures of guys from other cultures. It’s a “I now live in the Pacific Northwest where real joy to share my collection and I hope it’s cool and moist, and I’m still pretty indifferent to Victorian poetry. Despite the passage of time, I still prefer men to

September 2013 www.IONAZ.com 19

that readers will enjoy my enthusiasm for this international array of hunky men.

ION: Do hunks vary country to country, or different eras?

DLC: There are beautiful, sexy, muscular men from all races and cultures. The western or Greek ideal of muscularity and masculinity travels very well.

Hunks from different countries look a bit different. For instance, East Asian guys are often tighter and less bulky than their African or Euro-American counterparts, but not always. It’s dangerous to make generalizations because there are always exceptions.

ION: Who is the greatest “hunk” alive?

DLC: There has been a “hunk explosion” and now there are more of them than ever before (God bless ‘em!) I hesitate to name one particular person as “the world’s greatest hunk.”

When gay men discovered the gym in the 1960s, a whole new aesthetic of homosexuality emerged. Before that there was a relatively short menu of choices for gay guys to emulate; basically, we only had rough trade or drag queens. When gay men discovered that they could put on muscle and make a sensation by shaking their junk on the dance floors of discos all over the world, then the lid was blown off the other stereotypes.

ION: Who’s the greatest hunk of all time?

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DLC: There have been lots of hunky guys throughout history; the ones that I like the most are those who knew how to

present themselves well in front of the camera. John Grimek, Steve Reeves, Reg Park and a host of others more or less defined what it meant to be a hunk in the 1940s-60s. Guys like Arnold came along and popularized bodybuilding, but we forget that he was standing on the very broad shoulders of men who came before him.

ION: Do you have a favorite hunk?

DLC: Eugen Sandow (1867-1925) is my favorite hunk. He pretty much invented the business of bodybuilding. He had the total package: great face, gorgeous complexion, beautifully sculpted muscles and the drive and intelligence to take these physical gifts and turn them into a career and a business.

ION: Is there any country/culture that doesn’t appreciate a good hunk?

DLC: Hunks are ideal males, so examples of masculine perfection vary with place and time. I came across a wonderful book on jujitsu which said that in Japan a little knot of muscles just south of the elbow drove the geishas wild. I included a photo in the book of a guy flexing his arm, and sure enough—there was that little bump of muscle right where it was supposed to be. I figured, “Okay, whatever floats your sampan,” but really this is an example of how the male body is developed and admired differently in different cultures; what we look for in a muscular body is not at the top of everyone’s list. The great thing is that there’s room on this planet for all sorts of bodies and all sorts of ideal men.

ION: Is there any such thing as too hunky?

DLC: Hunkitude is in the eye of the beholder; what might be a turn-off to me would set someone else’s engine revving. Personally, I don’t like modern pro bodybuilders with their steroidinflated muscles. I like something a little less pharmaceutically enhanced.

ION: When did it become more fashionable to be a “hunk?”

DLC: It was once considered inelegant to possess big muscles.

This was mainly in the time when men wore more wigs, powder and lace than today’s drag queens. It was feared that people would think that you had to actually do physical labor to earn a living. As knowledge of health and fitness improved, men discovered that exercise was actually good for the body. So “You worthless hunk!” was transformed into “You gorgeous hunk!”

ION: What’s the greatest misconception about “hunk culture”?

DLC: Many people think of hunks as shallow, self-absorbed narcissists, but like all stereotypes, this is not always true.

And anyway, when you look good enough, we non-hunks will forgive you for almost anything.

Universal Hunks is published by Arsenal Pulp Press and available this October, 2013 $29.95 Visit ArsenalPulp. com for more information. Available for Preorder now.

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KARAMBA

9TH ANNIVERSARY

FOR ALL THE GREAT PICTURES, GO TO WWW.IONAZ.COM

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hose big hearted cowboys at the Arizona Gay Rodeo Association are always willing to open up their wallets to help out a deserving pardner or friends in need.

During last month’s monthly Membership Meeting AGRA presented checks to local and statewide charities and organizations.

PFLAG promotes the health and well-being of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender persons and their friends and family. They provide support, education, and advocacy to help end discrimination and secure equal civil rights.

They received $1,414 for the Phoenix Chapter. Get answers! Get involved! Visit PFLAGPhoenix.org and learn more.

Joshua Tree Feeding Program in Phoenix is dedicated to offer hundreds of clients a hot, nourishing lunch, food to take home and an opportunity to socialize in a compassionate and loving atmosphere.

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This is all at no cost to their clients.

They received $2,941.10 Do you need help? Can you help? Find out more about the Joshua Tree Feeding Program by visiting JTFP.org Faith plays an important role for many people from all walks of life. Community Church of Hope in Phoenix is a diverse group of people who are Godcentered and Christ-driven.

The CCH strives to offer praise and help provide proof of God’s hope and His love for all. The AGRA offered $1,300.88 to their collection plate. If you would like to find out more about the Community Church of Hope and would like to be part of their worship visit CommunityChurchOfHope.com An additional $4,300 was raised at each bar at the rodeo grounds and donated to various charities in Phoenix and Tucson for a total of $10,005. For more information visit AGRA-PHX.com

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NEW: Club Zarape

T O TA L LY R E M O D EL ED

FOR ALL THE GREAT PICTURES, GO TO WWW.IONAZ.COM

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WWD_ColorAd_4.625x3.625v3.pdf

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7/29/13

Implants and Sedation Crowns and Veneers Extractions Root Canals Dentures Sports & Trauma Dr. Fehmi & Dr. Beyramian

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2:27 PM

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A Devil Inside An absurd play where everyone and every event is connected. A laundromat owner demands her son avenge the murder of his father. Throw in a Russian Lit professor, his lovestruck student and an unhinged repairman and you’ve got a Nearly Naked Theatre season opener! Now through September 14 at the Little Theatre, 100 E. McDowell Rd. For tix visit NearlyNakedTheatre.org or call 602-254-2151

Ruthless! The Musical Boring, bland housewife Judy Denmark’s talented 8-year-old Tina declares, “I was born to entertain!” This nutty all-female show spoofs “Gypsy” and “Mame” with a little bit of “The Bad Seed” and “All About Eve” thrown in.

This off-Broadway gem inaugurates the fabulous new Black Box at Phoenix Theatre. 100 E. McDowell Rd. 602-254-2151 or go to PhoenixTheatre.com for tix.

Priscilla Queen of the Desert The story about those zany Aussie drag queens motoring across the Outback in their bedazzled bus christened “Priscilla,” enchanting everyone they meet while “Mitzi” searches for his/ her son—and maybe perhaps part of his own identity? The fabled film is a touring Broadway musical playing September 17-22, at ASU Gammage, 1200 S. Forest Ave. in Tempe. Visit ASUGammage.com or call 480-965-3434 for info & tickets.

SEPTEMBER 2013 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE EVENT LOCATION 6-21 The Odyssey SW Shakespear Co. - Mesa 6-22 After All These Years ...

Mesa Encore Theatre 6-29 Great American Trailer Park AZ B’way Theatre - Peoria 8 Original Gay Comedy Night Comedy Spot - Scottsdale 8 Queer Queens of Comedy StandUp Live - Phoenix 12-29 Ruthless: the Musical Phoenix Theatre 13-22 The Wedding Band Black Theatre Troupe - Phoenix thru 14 A Devil Inside Nearly Naked Theatre - Phoenix 14-20 Diary of Ann Frank Scotts. Desert Stages 14-10/5 Importance of Being Earnest - AZ Theatre Co. - Tucson thru 15 RENT Phoenix Theatre 17-22 Priscilla: Queen of the Desert ASU Gammage - Tempe 20-10/5 The Flick Stray Cat Theatre - Tempe 27-10/12 The Exonerated iTheatre Collaborative - Phoenix

PHONE 480-644-6500 480-644-6500 623-776-8400 480-945-4422 480-719-6100 602-254-2151 602-258-8129 602-254-2151 480-483-1664 520-622-2823 602-254-2151 480-480-3434 480-227-1766 602-347-1071

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Dragons & Samurais See the best drag kings in the biz flex their muscles as they duke it out for the crown. Honoring Mister USofA M.I. 2013 Ivory Onyx. Sunday, October 6 7-10 p.m. at Sochu House. Tix at Tan United, Boom Boom LaRue’s & Sochu House 2810 N. Central Ave. at Thomas Rd., Phoenix.

SEPTEMBER 2013 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE TIME LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S) Saturdays All night Get Dragged to BS West - Combination Shuttle & Drag Show (see details on pg 5) Sat 7 10:00pm Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot’s Trashy Women Show Sun 15 8:00pm Charlie’s Pussy’s 53rd Birthday Bash Sun 15 10:30pm Karamba Celebrate EL GRITO Thurs 19 10:30pm Karamba Madonna Tribute with Ruby Sat 21 10:00pm The Rock Homecoming Party for Mikaila Kay at The Barbra Seville Show Fri 20 10:00pm The Rock Scandaleyez with Savannah Stevens Wed 25 9:00pm Charlie’s You’ve Been Served Benefit with Afeelya & Nevaeh Wed 25 10:30pm Karamba Battle of the Drag Queens Fri 27 10:00pm The Rock Lady Christian’s Trailer Trash Revue Sun 10/6 7:00pm Sochu House Dragons & Samurais Sat 10/12 8:00pm IBT’s OUTFest with India Ferrah WEEKLY SHOWS Mondays 10:00am IBT’s Monday Morning Madness Mondays 10:00pm BS West Desiree & her Fantastic Four Mondays 10:00pm Charlie’s Barbra Seville w/ Strippers!

Mondays 10:00pm Apollo’s Naughty or Nice Bingo with Lezbein & Eryka D. Knowles Tuesday 10:00pm Karamba Savannah Moussier’s Show Wednesdays 9:00pm IBT’s Viva La DIVA Wednesdays 10:30pm Karamba Girls of Karamba - Adriana Galiano, Karime Lizaldi, & Celeste Wednesdays 10:00pm Charlie’s Nevaeh’s High Heels & Halos Thursdays 10:00pm The Rock Queens of the Damned with Coco St. James & Celia Putty Thursdays 10:30pm Karamba Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds Thursdays Zarape Drop Them Thursdays with Kiki Vermont Fridays 9:00pm IBT’s Absolutely Flawless with China Collins Fridays 10:00pm Cruisin’ 7th The Barbra Seville Show Fridays 9:00pm BS West Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers Fridays Zarape Siluetas Travesty Show from Susana Martell Saturdays 9:00pm IBT’s Starrletts with Janee Star Saturdays 10:30pm Cruisin’ 7th The Fabulous Mia Inez Adams Saturdays 10:00pm The Rock The Barbra Seville Show Saturdays 10:00pm icepics The Olivia Gardens Show / A Touch of Soul with Maraya Jordan Saturdays 9:30pm Charlie’s Pussy’s Patio Show Saturdays 9:30pm Zorf’s BeDazzled 1st & 3rd Sun. 12:30pm Cruisin’ 7th Sunday Morning Madness with Miss Celia Putty Sundays 8:30pm Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot & Friends Sundays 10:30pm Karamba Diamond’s Show September 2013 www.IONAZ.com 35

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Austra

Outspoken & Individual

by Deon Brown by Jay Cavaliere 38 Stacey www.IONAZ.com September 2013

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nigmatic frontwoman Katie Stelmanis of the Toronto-based band Austra has a stage presence reminiscent of Fleetwood Mac-era Stevie Nicks and a voice comparable to the early incarnation of Kate Bush. A classically trained opera singer since the age of 10, Stelmanis is taking the music world by storm with the release of the band’s sophomore album Olympia.

Inspired by early house music and electronic experimentation, the album is gaining rave reviews worldwide as the group departs for their USA/Canada tour this month.

After the release of their debut album Feel It Break, the band gained wide recognition while preforming as the supporting act for the hugely popular electronic indie act The xx on their world tour. Shortly after, the group continued touring solo to support the album’s release.

Their show-stopping performances around the globe were highly revered after their 2011 gig at Austin’s famed South

by Southwest Music and Arts Festival, garnering a rave review from Time magazine, naming them ‘one of the top musical acts of the year.’ In the article Stelmanis discusses the atmosphere of the group’s performances and explained, “We like to dim the lights and create a dark, dark space, and in the middle of the day at a festival like this, you feel very exposed.”

And exposure is exactly what Austra is getting. Besides the creepily magical beauty of their sound, the band is also becoming even better known due to their progressive style and look. Huge fans

of “thrift store chic,” Stelmanis and her crew often trade outfits from one show to the next, further complementing one another’s individuality while maintaining cohesiveness in their aesthetic.

In a recent fashion blog interview, Stelmanis says, “Our style is something that’s constantly changing and evolving; we get bored with a certain aesthetic so quickly. We wear some pretty outrageous outfits, that maybe you look back on and are embarrassed about.” Self-proclaimed thrift store junkie, she continues, “My band, we’re pretty big into thrift stores—maybe that’s kind of obvious— but one of the most exciting things about touring as well is all of the small towns you stop in. The thrift store potential is kind of amazing.”

Austra is additionally creating waves by being outspoken advocates for women’s issues, as well as towards the LGBTQ community. Stelmanis herself identities as queer and other band mates have self-identified similarly. The singer, however, makes it very clear that she does not want her sexuality to define her image or the band’s music. The 28-yearold is confident in who she is, whom she chooses to love and makes no mistake about speaking honestly regarding being often classified and defined by being a ‘gay artist.’

In a 2011 interview with AfterEllen.com she September 2013 www.IONAZ.com 39

DRAG SHOWS • MEN OF STRUT • GOGO BOYS UNDERWEAR NIGHT • SHOW TUNES • KARAOKE

Always something going on...

For the latest Events, Show Times, and Drink Specials visit stated, “It’s confusing because I have always been careful to separate my sexuality from my music and have always made it clear in interviews that they are two very different things. I am a musician first, and a lesbian second. But I think in doing this I’ve sort of discredited the fact that being gay is a huge part of who I am and definitely affects the music I make. I’d like to be recognized as someone who makes interesting, experimental music and also identifies as queer, especially because I really believe there needs to be a wider variety of queer representation in music.”

This theme is subtly evident on the new album, Olympia (pictured below), particularly in the lyrics on the songs “What We Done?” and “We Become.” The feminist side of the group’s songwriting is evident throughout the album, too. On the track “I Don’t Care (I’m a Man)” Stelmanis plays with queer and gender identity while proving that her womanhood is still largely intact.

While the band is still widely unknown and have still not received much radio play, there is no doubt that they have a huge and loyal following, selling out shows with each tour they embark on and getting booked at major music festivals around the world.

Catch this unique, entertaining and talented band live in Phoenix as they roll through the Valley of the Sun on Tuesday, September 10 at the Crescent Ballroom. Tickets are available by visiting the venue site at CrescentPHX.com or TicketFly.com 40

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by Jackson David Kelly jacksonkelly@cox.net

Yo, DJ! What’s New? Madonna MDNA CD/DVD

It was the most successful tour of 2012, the tenth highest grossing tour of all time and the third highest grossing solo act behind her and Roger Waters.

Now witness this spectacle from the front row’s perspective and in the most intimate setting possible. Six months of editing, thirty cameras and a raucous Miami crowd, see firsthand why MDNA is being touted as a tour revolution.

Packaged as a DVD and/or a CD/DVD combo pack with behind the scenes footage, find mostly new material from the recent album along with stirring renditions of her faves like “Like a Prayer,” “Vogue” and “Express Yourself.”

GRADE: A

Goldfrapp Tales of Us

As usual, Alison Goldfrapp takes her time and two years to present yet another album that is a complete 90 degree turn from her previous one. With 10 tracks, interestingly titled with one word names, this scrumptious body of work is her most narrative and intimate to date. With a sense of imagination and poetry, every track is carefully interwoven concept of a journey and discovery. First track “Drew” is ethereal and dreamy and proves the perfect test while “Thea” is this sets’ standout. Look for additional support from “Jo,” “Annabel” and “Clay.”

GRADE: A

Ellie Goulding Halcyon Days

Artists these days are infatuated with rereleasing complete packages. Though most do it as a way to include unreleased singles, Ellie is still hoping to gain U.S. stateside support for her sophomore project. Lead single “Burn” is a great ditty with a pseudo DNB bassline while her cover of “Midas Touch” has the feeling of a B-side. This re-release is available as a ten-track solo addition or as a repackaged complete album. If you have yet to own this album, though the additions make it a bit watered down; this is still one package you cannot live without. The track “My Blood” alone is worth every friggin’ penny.

GRADE: AIn other music news, the pressure of superstardom has taken its toll on the divas. After a 50+ song writing session, Beyoncé is starting from scratch to release her next project. This is also the case with Mariah Cary’s yet to be titled album which is on permanent hold.

Although Lady Gaga almost caught the fever, ARTPOP is still on target but already receiving some criticism. Look for other new music from: Nine Inch Nails, Gloria Estefan, Sting, Cher, Elton John, Sheryl Crow, Justin Timberlake, Arctic Monkeys, MGMT and Five For Fighting.

Stay tuned for the latest!

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GRAND OPENING

PHOENIX September 2013 www.IONAZ.com 45

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fun.

“Tonight we are young! So let’s set the world on fire!” These musical merrymakers even sang for POTUS, kids. That’s right. Obama. In the White House! Catch these fab funsters live, in concert on Tuesday, September 10 at the Comerica Theatre, 400 W. Washington St. Phoenix. Need a ticket? Call 602-379-2888 or visit LiveNation.com

Vampire Weekend They’re not really part of the bloodsucking undead.

They’re an indie/alt rock, baroque pop band with an Afro beat. That’s what Wikipedia says, anyway. Catch ‘em on Friday, September 27 at Comerica Theatre, 400 W. Washington in Phoenix. Tix: 602-379-2888 or visit LiveNation. com or in Tucson on Tuesday, October 1 at the Rialto Theatre, for tix call 520-740-1000 or go to RialtoTheatre.com.

SEPTEMBER 2013 ION Concert Calendar DATE ARTIST LOCATION 5 Kid Cudi Casino del Sol - Tucson 5 Backstreet Boys Comerica Theatre - Phoenix 5 The Cult Celebrity Theatre - Phoenix 7 Melissa Etheridge Centennial Hall - Tucson 10 Fun. Comerica Theatre - Phoenix 10 Austra Crescent Ballroom - Phoenix 12 Carly Rae Jepsen Comerica Theatre - Phoenix 12 Rascal Flatts Ak-Chin Casino 12 Krewella Rialto Theatre - Tucson 13 Melissa Etheridge Wild Horse Pass - Chandler 13 The Tubes Celebrity Theatre - Phoenix 14 Marc Anthony Casino del Sol - Tucson 15 Wynonna Judd Wild Horse Pass - Chandler 15 One Republic & Sarah Bareilles Comerica Theatre 19 Luis Miguel Casino del Sol - Tucson 22 Hanson Rialto Theatre - Tucson 26 Stone Temple Pilots Marquee Theatre - Tempe 26 Emmylou Harris Scotts. Ctr. for the Arts 27 Vampire Weekend Comerica Theatre - Phoenix 28 Bret Michaels Wild Horse Pass - Chandler 29 Keith Urban Ak-Chin Casino - Phoenix OCTOBER 1 Vampire Weekend Rialto Theatre - Tucson 1 Lumineers Comerica Theatre - Phoenix 2 John Mayer Ak-Chin Casino - Phoenix

PHONE 800-344-9435 602-379-2888 602-267-1600 520-621-5311 602-379-2888 602-716-2222 602-379-2888 480-820-5000 520-740-1000 800-840-0457 602-267-1600 800-344-9435 800-840-0457 602-379-2888 800-344-9435 520-740-1000 480-829-0707 480-499-TKTS 602-379-2888 800-840-0457 480-820-5000 520-740-1000 602-379-2888 480-820-5000

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Perkins Coie presents

E Q U A L I T Y A R I Z O N A’ S

with honored guests D USTIN LANCE BLACK Keynote Speaker and Academy Award Winning Writer of Milk and 8

BRUC E V I L A N C H Emmy Award Winning Writer and Comedian

and a host of celebrity guests For more information and to purchase tickets please visit www.equalityarizona.org P R O U D LY S P O N S O R E D B Y

SKY Construction & Engineering, Inc. DBA

Sponsorship opportunities are still available. Contact awards@equalityarizona.org for more information .

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by Kimberly M. Ruff kimberlymruff@yahoo.com

Salinger Featuring: Tom Wolfe, A. Scott Berg, Elizabeth Frank, Gore Vidal, Philip Seymour Hoffman One of the most notorious recluses in American literature, J. D. Salinger gained national attention with the 1951 publication of The Catcher in the Rye, the novel whose protagonist, Holden Caulfield, became the icon for disaffected youth and teenage rebellion during the post-War era. In response to his novel’s notoriety, Salinger withdrew from public attention only resurfacing briefly to publish a few short stories and the novel Franny and Zooey. His reclusiveness only heightened the mystique surrounding his life and work before his death in 2010, Now, five years after beginning his journey to uncover who J. D. Salinger was, writer, Shane Salerno brings to the screen the documentary, Salinger. Featuring rare photographs and footage alongside exclusive interviews with close friends, family and colleagues, we are able to get a glimpse of the man behind the myth.

Hopefully it’ll be more interesting than a required high school reading assignment.

Release Date: 9/6

Bounty Killer Starring: Matthew Marsden, Kristanna Loken, Christian Pitre, Barak Hadley For anyone who decries the privileged 1% or ponders what the world would be like if we had a way to give golden-parachute-

wearing CEOs a big ol’ karmic kick in the pants, Bounty Killer is for you.

Set in a dystopian, futuristic society in which all the power and wealth are concentrated in the hands of a few corporations, Earth has descended into chaos as a result of the frequent wars between them.

Humanity’s only salvation lies with the Council of Nine, a group attempting to bring law and order to the wasteland by issuing death warrants for the destructive CEOs. Lured by material gain and a sense of irony, a group of scantily-clad bounty hunters take the case. Will greed eradicate greed?

Will Eve experience a nip slip? How longlasting is CoverGirl’s Outlast All Day Lip color really? Let’s find out! Release Date: 9/6

Touchy Feely Starring: Rosemarie DeWitt, Josh Pais, Ellen Page, Ron Livingston Nominee for the 2013 Grand Jury Prize at Sundance, this dramedy written and directed by Lynn Shelton (Your Sister’s Sister) starring Rosemarie DeWitt as Abby, a much sought-after massage therapist whose sudden aversion to touch threatens her career and passionate love life, while her brother Paul’s (Pais) equally sudden and inexplicable gentle touch rescues his flagging dental practice. Each undergo their own remarkable transition before coming full circle and learning a valuable lesson about being comfortable in one’s own skin ... literally. (P.S. – The West Wing’s Allison Janney is in it!) Release Date: 9/6 September 2013

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by Wes Bergman wesobergman@yahoo.com

Petunia Starring: Christine Lahti, Thora Birch, David Rasche, Tobias Segal, Brittany Snow How do you survive romantic relationships when both your parents are unable to model a healthy one themselves? Furthermore, how do you learn to let your children make mistakes when you’re a psychiatrist? Such are the central questions of Petunia, an ensemble film about the dysfunctional Petunia family helmed by the overly involved Felicia (Lahti, Chicago Hope) and equally disengaged Percy (Rasche, Sledge Hammer!)

Beginning on the wedding night of their eldest son, Michael (Eddie Kaye Thomas, American Pie) and his emotionally unavailable bride, Vivian (Birch, Ghost World), Petunia chronicles a year in the lives of the Petunias as the parents struggle to redefine their relationship with an empty nest and retirement on the horizon, and their three sons must overcome their own hurdles: infidelity, impending fatherhood, sexual addiction, and being the gay lover of a married man.

Like many ensemble films, the division of focus means their individual story lines are distilled to the most dramatic elements, which can leave the characters feeling more like caricatures than dynamic individuals.

Still, the acting performances turned in, most notably, by veteran actor, Christina Lahti and newcomer, Tobias Segal (as

Charlie, the youngest son who discovers the man he gave up being celibate for is already married to a woman), serve to ground the film when it threatens to veer into absurdity. Available through Wolfe Video September 3.

Broadway Musicals: A Jewish Legacy Narrated by Tony and Academy Award winner Joel Grey (Cabaret), Broadway Musicals: A Jewish Legacy is a fascinating, albeit educational (for those of you who avoid those sorts of things) documentary about the instrumental (pardon the pun) role of Jewish composers and lyricists, such as Irving Berlin, George and Ira Gershwin, Rodgers and Hammerstein, and Stephen Sondheim in the history and creation of the Broadway musical.

Featuring performances by Jews and Gentiles, like (who else?) Barbra Streisand, (They don’t get any more Jewish than her. Like buttah.), Matthew Broderick (only half-Jewish), Nathan Lane (definitely not Jewish, but definitely gay) and Kristin Chenoweth (Super Christian), the documentary also includes archival footage and fascinating historical background and the meaning behind some of our most beloved songs, stories and shows.

Produced, written and directed by Michael Kantor, creator of the Emmy award-winning series, Broadway: The American Musical, this PBS documentary is a must-see for all show tune queens interested in an exploration of Broadway, and especially the Jewish contributions. Oy vey! Available from AcornMedia.com.

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by Albert Rivas arivas3@gmail.com

A

vengers, assemble!

Well kinda ...

On September 24 on ABC, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. premiers with Joss Whedon at the helm. S.H.I.E.L.D. was first introduced in the 2008 film Iron Man but it wasn’t until last year’s hit Marvel’s The Avengers that we truly saw how involved S.H.I.E.L.D. really is.

Agent Phil Coulson (Clark Gregg) is the poster man for S.H.I.E.L.D, but that was until his death at the hands of Loki, but in true Joss Whedon style you’re never really truly dead. The series picks up with Agent Coulson’s yet to be explained resurrection, and leading a new team of agents. They’ll be taking on new threats of superhumans already established in the Marvel film universe.

Coulson takes the reigns and still remains the same goofy guy we all loved in The New Adventures of the Old Christine. My comic book nerd side is excited because this is now live-action! You have this endless roster of Marvel characters to use, not to mention Whedon loves recycling his former casts, so expect mini-reunions galore. The biggest cherry on top has to be “Aunt Robin” (a little How I Met Your Mother homage) Cobie Smulders playing Agent Maria Hill and last we saw of her was escaping on the exploding S.H.I.E.L.D. helicarrier.

Heroes & Hucksters “Mork & Mindy” is Robin Williams as Simon Roberts and Buffy alum Sarah Michelle Gellar as his daughter, Sydney. Together they run Roberts & Roberts ad agency for high profile clients. The series revolves on the fatherdaughter dynamic of doing unusual, i.e., nutty, things to keep their clients happy.

The previews show Simon and Zach Cropper (James Wolk, the scheming suck-up, maybe gay Bob Benson from “Mad Men”) meeting pop star Kelly Clarkson, who wants to trade her squeaky clean image in for one with sex appeal. Simon & Zach pitch her by freestyling about a McDonald’s “sexperience.” Clarkson refuses to sing the jingle. Sydney stalks her, pressuring her to sing in a restaurant to show her how it “moves people.” It’s hilarious watching the usually dramatic Gellar trying her hand at comedy. Think of “The Crazy Ones” as a very zany “Mad Men” set in today. The producers report that a good portion of William’s lines are ad-lib/improvised. And of course anything Gellar does I am all on board for, in case you weren’t aware of my obsession for her, now you know. [Like we couldn’t tell. – ed.]

With all of the high profile names we can expect at least a full series pick-up. The series premiers September 26.

CBS brings us the new comedy “The Crazy Ones.” Making his grand return to television since his debut on September 2013 www.IONAZ.com 53

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Sochu House

I

Tempting Tapas ‘n ‘Tinis

n a culinary world where Asian food is largely relegated to something you order by a number that’s stuffed into a square, white box that says, “Have A Rice Day!” accompanied by some sad Lo Mein and a disappointing fortune cookie, it’s nice to see something truly creative and luxe.

Johnny Chu, the Executive Chef and creative mastermind from Hong Kong is the man behind the legendary restaurants Fate and Sens, has created another downtown venue showcasing his skills with SoChu House Neo-Asian & Martini Bar, opened last year. In a foodie world where everything is “fusion”-this and “eclectic”-that, eventually those buzzwords mean nothing. Not true when you’re in the capable hands, woks, pots and grills of Johnny. This is where he excels, marrying a variety of tastes and cooking methods, turning it into something really exciting.

Not just some catch-phrase to be bandied about, the eclectic menu at Sochu House is inventive, featuring a variety of tapas and entrées with an inspiring array of Chinese, Japanese, Thai and even Western flavors. The sauces and spices are enlightening, titillating, tempting and always

entertaining in a way that’s oh-so Chu. Much of the food preparation is done in cast iron and clay pots. Sochu House presents four different tapas menus with around ten items apiece priced between $5 and $12 per selection.

Our friendly, capable server, Lynn, expertly helped us navigate our way through the tantalizing menu.

The first Tapas menu offers Bo Luc Lac, also known as “Shaky Beef,” has thick, chunks of tender, onion/black pepper marinated beef served with a green leaf sesame salad.

A crowd-pleaser is Soup Gyoza.

These Shanghai dumplings offer a

you a bowl of baby bok choy, mushroom, carrots, snow peas, broccoli, baby corn, onion and a choice of Chinese style tofu, shrimp, beef or chicken all nestled in a lovely cradle of crispy noodles for $11.

Three other noodle dishes are available.

scoop of pork and rich, clear soup broth inside of a thin, twisted dumpling blanket bathed in a ponzu-like sauce.

The Kushiage Tapas offerings are all Japanese panko crusted and flash fried.

Don’t pass up the succulent Sugar Cane Pork. The ground pork is marinated in ginger and lemongrass panko with a pool of pineapple ginger sauce. Each formed into a little “drumstick” on a length of sugar cane.

The Robata Grill Tapas are traditionally prepared over a glowing pyramid of baton-shaped charcoal. A skewer of marinated chicken served with an astounding sweet (and sinuscleansing) wasabi will keep you on your toes.

More, more, more! Wait ... there’s more, alright.

Lookin’ for noodles? Sochu House has flat noodles, rice noodles, udon noodles, crispy noodles and—well—oodles of noodles. The Crispy Noodle Island gives 56

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Finish off the meal with a flourish.

The mouth-watering Sweet Wontons are filled with cream cheese and goat cheese, then flash fried with strawberry puree sauce and dusted with powdered sugar for $5.

Sochu House promises martinis and delivers more, including stupendous, handcrafted “saketinis.” Try their exotic Sweet Karma, Lust, Hot ‘n’ Dirty Martini, or my own personal favorite, the Pinku No Hana. This tastes exactly like Hawaii smells and even feels, thanks to the jasmine infused vodka.

Check out SoChu House Daily Specials.

Try Tapas Tuesday with four tapas for $20. Grab someone special for Date Night Thursday and enjoy a four course meal for $30.

SoChu House just may be your next home. And that’s so Chu.

SOCHU HOUSE 2801 N. Central Ave., at Thomas Rd. Phone: 602-340-9777 SoChuHouse.com

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Make it a September to Remember

New deeper happy hour

EVERY day.

Over 25 drinks just $4 Med-Mex Mondays

Kegger Wednesdays

Tini Tuesdays

Thirsty Thursdays

$6 baja burger $4 margaritas

$4 top 5 martinis

$6 chicken fingers & fries basket; $4 draft beer $4 g-spots

Daily Drink Specials Lunch. Dinner. Late Night. Weekend Brunch.

Reservations @ fezoncentral.com or 602.287.8700 fezoncentral

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www.IONAZ.com September 2013

Fresh Food, Classic Drinks, Casual Comfort.

SwitchofArizonA.com 602.264.2295

switchofarizona

CHARLIE’s

MEN’S CHOIR JELLO WRESTLING

HELL FREEZES OVER

September 2013 www.IONAZ.com 61

Make strong choices you can be proud of.

Be safe out.

Learn more at: www.facebook.com/safeout www.twitter.com/lgbtqconsortium

This program is funded through Magellan Health Services of Arizona.

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FALL SPORTS Photography by Jerry O’Conner Art Direction by Kevin Bushaw Production Assistance by Kurtis Scholz Special Thanks to Jared Garduño, Jack Tesorero & Nike.

Who’s ready to play? It’s that time of year!

Fall sports are starting up and if you like to get physical, there’s a league or game for you! Phoenix offers a number of leagues for all sorts of skill levels, and we’re here to guide you along!

September 2013 www.IONAZ.com 65

Softball

___________________________________________ Athletes don’t get much hotter than Jesse Ochoa! The Cactus Cities Softball League starts Fall Ball this month. They’re also very active in supporting community events like AIDS Walk Phoenix and run The Saguaro Cup, a national tournament, every spring. Get more info at CactusCities.com 66

www.IONAZ.com September 2013

Swimming

___________________________________________

The founder of Phoenix’s Gay & Lesbian Aquatics Team—The Sunfish— is Marty Sarussi. The Phoenix Sunfish is a registered team within United States Master’s Swimming and a proud member of International Gay and Lesbian Aquatics. They meet several times a week and always welcome new members! Visit PhoenixSunfish.org for more information.

September 2013 www.IONAZ.com 67

Rugby

______________________________

Tony Alonzo, nicknamed “Trainrek” is one of the original members of The Phoenix Storm RFC. They host bootcamps at the beginnings of their seasons to induct new members. Visit PhoenixStorm.org for a full schedule of their events and training sessions.

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Volleyball

_____________________________________ Lamont Long is one of Phoenix’s best volleyballers! Phoenix has two GLBT-centered volleyball leagues. Indoor and outdoor. Visit DesertVolleyballAlliance.org or AZGV.org and get involved!

September 2013 www.IONAZ.com 69

Flag Football

_____________________________________________

A safety for Phoenix Gay Flag Football League, Aaron Marner shows his stuff. New members can check out PhoenixFlagFootball.com -- the league is proud to be hosting Gay Bowl XIII this year.

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Bowling

________________________________

Strike! Amanda Pepin is our featured bowler from the Phoenix United Gay Bowling League. Her sunny disposition and competitive nature are ideal traits for any champ! Get out your bowling shoes and head to PUGBA.org and be part of the fun.

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Kevin Correa, a rusher on the Phoenix Gay Flag Football League, is definitely playing in Gay Bowl XIII, the premiere annual flag football championship tournament of the National Gay Flag Football League NGFFL.com. They’re coming to the Valley of the Sun for the second time, October 10-14, 2013. Phoenix is the first city to re-host the equivalent of a “Gay Super Bowl.” All games will be played at Scottsdale Sports Complex. Gay Bowl XIII is expected to be the largest Gay Bowl to date, drawing 40 teams with over 750 players (and their many supporters) from cities across the U.S. and Canada. Get more info at GayBowl13.com

Coming Soon _____________________________

September 2013 www.IONAZ.com 73

. y h t l a e Be H Stay Sexy.

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If the present rates of HIV infection continue, over half of the college-aged gay men today will be HIV Positive by the time they are 50.

AIDS Walk Phoenix & 5k Run Raises money to support agencies that are ďŹ ghting HIV in the LGBT community.

ALSO FEATURING:

facebook.com/AIDSWalkPhoenix

David Coulter

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Benefit Show for Todd

SHERATON HOTEL DOWNTOWN PHOENIX SEE MORE GREAT PICTURES AT IONAZ.COM

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IBTs, TUCSON

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MR. & MISS TUCSON PRIDE

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NEW MOON LOUNGE

TUCSON

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Vol. 7, Issue 8

September 2013

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

New A&F Hospital Takes Care of Hot, OUTRAGEOUS! Skinny Patients ONLY.

COLUMBUS, Ohio—Retailer Abercrombie & Fitch, whose successful branding and marketing of casual clothes and sportswear for a young, attractive, physically fit customer base, will sponsor the the new $1.1 billion dollar “Abercrombie & Fitch Emergency Department” at Ohio State University’s medical center in Columbus.

A&F currently funds the Abercrombie & Fitch Chair in Inflammatory Bowel Disease faculty position at the university. “Healthy bowels make healthy models!” said one doctor. “As long as they don’t eat any carbs.”

“We have a dedicated, and very attractive

The “Fierce”-scented A&F Emergency

professionals who are committed to providing the best medical care available to injured and ailing models,” said one anonymous staff administrator.

state of the art equipment, including Urgent Care Botox, Restylane, Permanent Make-up, Liposuction/Body Sculpting and a skilled dietary staff in the Karen Carpenter Wing who formulated the special Kate Moss Menu for recuperating models’ needs.

sense to endow this center,” said A&F CEO Mike Jeffries.

“These gorgeous people deserve nothing but the very best care.”

OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY TOmedical THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL staffRESEMBLANCE of trained, board certified Department will be completely furnished with

“When we see all of those beautiful, handsome, muscular models who require medical attention because of, say, an injured ‘Duck Face’ or an accident on the runway or a flip-flop blowout in a store it just made

Slightly less attractive patients without as much insurance will be remanded to the care of the Hollister Rehabilitation Unit.

OUTRAGEOUS!

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OUTRAGEOUS! Gay Russian Lonelyhearts Seek OUTRAGEOUS! U.S. Homo Hubbies Arnold Hirschorn, 52, an orthodontist in Chicago said, “These American boys require too much maintenance.

I looked at Russian magazine The Advokat and ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL found the perfect man. His name is Nikolas Petrovich Stolichnaya. He’s really handsome.

He also has a broad back, strong MOSCOW— as an ox and good for As Prime Minister pulling plows across a Vladimir Putin’s government fertile field. I think it’s a continues with a ban on “gay propaganda” perfect match.” and homophobic sentiment spreads throughout the former Soviet Union, gay men in Mother ANY RESEMBLANCE THEforTRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL Several “Mail Order Grooms” have Russia are searching acrossTO the globe a emigrated to the United States to meet their rich, American, capitalist, gay husband to soon-to-be husbands. Russian Lesbians are ANY THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL marry RESEMBLANCE with same-sex marriageTO approval. also searching for an American Bride.

Dmitry Ivanovich Kamchatka said in a top secret interview, “I search on Komrade Kraig’s Natalia Feodorovna Smirnoff of Yekaterinburg reports, “I find excellent List for rich, gay husband in New York City or American wife named ‘Marge’ to marry. She in Hollywood, California. I have broad back, has broad back, strong as an ox and good for strong as an ox and good for pulling plow plowing across my fertile fields.” across fertile American fields.”

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL September 2013 www.IONAZ.com 89

One appointment. Expert doctors. Convenient services.

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Because caring for your health has always been our passion, we’ve made the following services conveniently available in our office.

• Excellent care for all ages • Same day appointments • On-site clinical laboratory and X-rays • Dermatology and Optometry services • Botox and Obagi skin care now available

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Celebrating 43 years of family care

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by Sean Kapera SeanKaperaPhotography.com

Benjamin Diego, Model Phoenix, AZ & San Francisco, CA September 2013 www.IONAZ.com 93

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by Addison DeWitt

the curly locks was canoodling with his certain-someonespecial, Raja. (C) Totes adorbs!

Just about every drag queen in town turned out for the stellar event.

T

hese are troubled times.

I keep hearing something about A a place called Syria.

People, I’m telling you that bigger trouble is afoot! A tragedy of such magnitude struck during Phoenix Fashion Week that the runways of Paris, Milan, New York and Scottsdburg, Arizona may never be the same.

All Points Bulletin: Who was the drunken Scottsdale ‘ho in a red dress (which was way too small for her, I might add) who spilled her Cape Cod all over el guapo fashionisto Oscar de la Salas (A) and ruined his white (possibly eggshell or écru or magnolia or ivory. Certainly not bone) D&G pants and cream-colored suede GG shoes. Oh, the humanity! Ruined finery! If I ever get my hands on her, she’ll pay!

But I’d like to publish a little known factlet about Oscar. He actually likes watching “The Lawrence Welk Show,” which ended in 1982 but is broadcast endlessly on PBS. Strange, but true. (B) I was happy to see everybody’s favorite (he’s certainly mine!) Youthquake Youngster Ethan Baldwin at The Rock for a fundraiser. That adorable mop-top with

Speaking of drag queens ... I wish you could picture the look of shock, dismay and even horror when I discovered that some of our city’s most colorful ladyboys actually advertise the company of their pleasure on BackPage.com. I don’t mean to suggest they’re plying their wares for the World’s C Oldest Profession, but I’m sure it ain’t for playing Boggle, Words with Friends or Angry Birds.

B

Speaking of strippers ... word reached my desk that one of the “dancers” (and I use that term loosely) is serving up some D aged, smelly “Fromunda Cheese” inside of that pair of red underwear he always wears, stinkin’ up the Green Room and nauseating the drag queens. Darling, you gotta wash that peel ‘n’ eat shrimp before you serve it. This has been a Pubic Service Announcement.

Speaking of the weather, a recent monsoon brought a gigantic haboob into Phoenix (D). Speaking E of haboobs, the lovely Neveah McKenzie is selling a pair of herboobs (E). They may or may not come bedazzled with the Mariah Carey-style butterflies over the hanips. You, too, can own a piece of 44 DD herstory! Hurry before they’re gone!

And they say I don’t report the hard-hitting news!

September 2013 www.IONAZ.com 95

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Good sportsmanship breeds

camaraderie, cooperation and a lot of other wholesome values. There’s no crying in baseball; there’s no crying in the grandstands, either. Life is like a game.

Like baseball great Yogi Berra said, “It ain’t over ‘til it’s over.” That holds true during the Autumnal Equinox on September 22 giving equality to day and night.

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

“Win one for the Gipper!” You’ll overcome adversity, scoring a much needed touchdown. early in the month. Think of the post-game fun in the locker room. Don’t drop the soap! Or do. Your choice.

Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20

Remember, there is no “i” in “teamwork.”

There’s also no “u.” Or a “z” or “d.” The list goes on. Keep your eye on the ball. A hard-won victory brings your much deserved kudos from your colleagues.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

A “Line of Scrimmage” is an imaginary transverse line which the other team cannot cross until the next play has begun.

Remember, this is all “imaginary.” Screw “line of scrimmage.” You’ll cross a a few lines this month. Real and imaginary.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

You’ll enjoy several “heats” of competition this month on your way to the finals. Maybe because you’re also in a different kind of “heat.” Some finish lines end in the bedroom.

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22

The “Breakfast of Champions” ain’t necessarily Wheaties. You’ve been licking your chops over this tasty treat for a while. You’ll get your just desserts after a very special winners banquet, champ.

Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22

Tennis, anyone? Sometimes you have the advantage. Sometimes you’re serving. If you’ve got a birthday, it might mean “Love” and you’ll score. You look cute in your tennis whites and you have great legs.

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22

You can expect a “Tour de Pants” when you pedal across the finish line early in the month. Your performance comes under scrutiny. Birthday plans include bringing home a very special trophy.

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23

Hey, batter, batter, batter SWING! You may not always hit a home run, but you’ve taken a few balls in the face before. Sometimes just for fun. This time it’s different. You’re in it to win it! Don’t choke!

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23

Talley ho, horsey-man! You’re involved in a tough Steeplechase, jumping over metaphoric ditches, fences, hurdles and other obstacles. Relax. You’re a sleek thoroughbred. Whoa, Nellie!

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20 The Superbowl, World Series, Wimbledon, even the Derby. You’re in the playoffs at work, home or school, but remember: there’s always a Tonya Harding with a baton waiting to whack your knee.

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

You’re not typically competitive, preferring to play games with a no winners nor losers approach to life. Late in the month you’ll be thrown into a tough contest, like the Chariot Race in Ben Hur. Can you win it?

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

Sports like Jorkyball, Flutterguts, Tent Pegging and Folk Wrestling may not be Olympic caliber, but you have a way of making the weird and wacky into something everybody wants to try. At least once.

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