ION Arizona #145

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ENJOY WITH OLD FRIENDS.

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ENJOY WITH OLD FRIENDS.

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DRAG SHOWS • MEN OF STRUT • GOGO BOYS UNDERWEAR NIGHT • SHOW TUNES • KARAOKE

Always something going on...

For the latest Events, Show Times, and Drink Specials visit

icepicsvideobar.com facebook.com/icepics

2-4-1 HAPPY HOUR

4:00-8:00pm EVERY DAY on almost EVERYTHING!

$4

MARTINIS 10:00AM8:00 PM

3819 North 3rd Street Suite 26, Phoenix, AZ 85012

(602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com

ionarizona@me.com

Publisher / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero .............................. jacktesorero@me.com

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ........................................ kbushaw@me.com Editor Deon Brown ....................................... ionazeditor@me.com COPY EDITOR Austin Head PRODUCTION & Artwork SUBMISSIONS ionazproduction@me.com Advertising Sales Jack Tesorero ............................................... (602) 750-1164 Danny Catt, Regional Sales Director ............ (520) 429-5905 ionazsales@me.com ADVERTISING CONSULTANT Bill Knoop ..................................................... (602) 301-8457 Photographers:

Fernando Hernandez Jerry O’Conner Don Thompson Danny Catt Scotty Kirby Sean Kapera Franklin Diaz ABOUT THE COVERs:

602-267-8707

3108 E. McDowell Rd. @ 31st St.

We feature two covers one by photographer Don Thompson featuring out, Gay U. Army soldier David Griswold and the other features Diona Peltcs & Dusty Brinsmade with “Dancing with the Bars,” photographed

by Fernando Hernandez.

National Advertising Representative Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 ContributORS:

Wes Bergman Deon Brown Addison DeWitt Jackson David Kelly C. Edwards

Ted Kirby Albert Rivas Kim Ruff Paul Sanchez Barbra Seville

Published monthly by

1995-2013: 18 Years of Design and Creative Excellence

© 2013 JMT Designs, Inc.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation.

Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.

NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company.

Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

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nce upon a time, a young boy ventured out of his frigid, dark, motor town to explore the wild blue yonder and go west, you see. He went to a big city, in a valley—in a desert, of all places!

It all started twelve long years ago. In a house not far from here, this young man had an idea. A crazy idea.

Something so outrageous people wouldn’t know what to do with it. An idea that would bring a community together. Make people laugh and even cry.

Something that would make their hearts beat faster. A crazy idea: a little, tiny book. A magazine, if you will. But this little magazine would not be just another publication gone by, but something bold, new and exciting. It would lead people to great places throughout the land. It would help the villagers find their way throughout the dry desert and help them hydrate. It would lead them to find physical well being. This magical booklet would even direct it’s readers to some scary places—but always with a happy ending. Oh! such a wonderful place!

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And this boy, now a man, would gather some of the finest talent from the village to create a wonderful team to help spread the joy he has felt since moving to this magical city. This fantastic state where the heat is only a distraction while the villagers continue on their journey.

Will you join him on his continuing journey? I hope you will. He will not lead you astray.

So come one, come all!

Enjoy the fruits of this team’s labor, for your see, all this little boy wanted was for everyone to get along and rejoice in the wonderful state they call home: Arizona!

And they all lived happily ever after.

The End.

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SEE MORE GREAT PICTURES AT IONAZ.COM

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THURSDAY DRAG NIGHT

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AMSTERDAM

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Phoenix’s Finest Cocktail Lounge Brought to you by an old friend ...

Tr ash DisCo

Sundays 2pm – 2am

K ar aoKe Mondays 9pm

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Tuesdays 7pm – 12am

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Monthly non-Profit Community Benefits This Month Benefitting

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Sundays 2pm – 2am

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SWAY ANNIVERSARY PARTY

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SOCHU HOUSE

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HOT HOUSE / SHERRY VINE

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THE ROCK

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PRIDE IN THE PINES

WHEELER PARK

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F L A G S TA F F, A R I Z O N A

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y. h t l a e H Be Stay Sexy.

• Same day appointments available • Testosterone Assessment • STD Testing/Treatment • Primary Care

WWW.PHXCMC.COM •

602.633.6314 • 3201 N 3RD ST, PHOENIX, AZ 85012 July 2013 www.IONAZ.com 25

Trash Disco at Stacy’s Toot, toot! Hey! Beep Beep! Lookin’ for some hot stuff? Put on your boogie shoes and shake, shake, shake your booty every Sunday night! Phoenix’s Trash Disco is back at the same location where it all began! Forget Funkytown! Just come to Stacy’s @ Melrose and relive the good times and get down every Sunday night! 4343 N. 7th. Ave. See ad on p. 14

40+ Singles Social For those who’ve gained a little experience (and maybe a few grey hairs) come meet other mature singles in a Twink-free setting!

Enjoy $5 Martinis and $3 Well all night on Wednesday, July 3 and the first Wednesday of every month at 7 p.m. Win a romantic dinner for two or an evening at The Clarendon or other prizes!

The next mixer is Wednesday, August 7. Where else, but Kobalt in Park Central Mall, 3110 N. Central Ave. in Phoenix.602-264-5307 KobaltBarPhoenix.com

Zumba Free your mind! The rest will follow! Let’s start with your body and fitness. Get movin’ at the Zumba Dance Fitness party the first and third Saturday of every month at 1Voice Community Center at 4442 N. 7th St. in Phoenix and groove into shape. For times and class details contact Thomas Fleming 602628-1047 or email wulfshart@gmail.com See ad on p. 88

No Dumb Questions Join Project Humanities and GenderWhat?! for a screening of this award winning short documentary. This lighthearted film follows a trio of young sisters struggling to understand why and how their Uncle Bill is becoming Aunt Barbara. A fresh perspective on a complex situation within families. Free, refreshments provided.

Probably cookies, too. Thursday, July 18, 6-9 p.m. Burton Barr Central Library 1221 N. Central Ave. in Phoenix. Visit NoDumbQuestions.com for more about the film.

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Dancing with the Bars It’s the best of the best! SWAY Events presents an All-Star spectacular with the past five seasons’ favorite contestants tearing up the floor with their best rhumba, cha cha, tango, fox trot, samba or even the forbidden dance: the lambada! ION’s own Kevin Bushaw is a top contender! See you Sunday, July 28 at 4 p.m. at the Renaissance Phoenix Hotel, 50 E. Adams St. For tickets visit SWAYevents.com

JULY 2013 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE EVENT

LOCATION

CITY

Sundays Trash Disco 1st Weds. 40+ Singles Social

Stacy’s Kobalt

Phoenix Phoenix

1st/3rd Sat Zumba Fitness Saturdays Saturday Night Starletts 4 July 4th Party 6 AGRA Grand Ol’ Opry Benefit 12 Signo 12 Techno Band

1 Voice Comm. Ctr. IBT’s Karamba Charlie’s Karamba

Phoenix Tucson Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix

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Bearracuda XXXmas in July Suzanne Westenhoefer

The Rock Dick’s Cabaret Rialto Theatre

Phoenix Phoenix Tucson

20 21 21

White Party Artie Party Beer Bust & Foam Party

Karamba Charlie’s Amsterdam

Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix

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80s Disco Party Dancing with the Bars

Sochu House Renaissance Hotel

Phoenix Phoenix

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Bruno Mars Party

Karamba

Phoenix

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ALL STARS EDITION This popular fundraising event returns for Season 6, brought to you by SWAY Events. This year’s All Stars event features some of the favorite past contestants, raising money for Joshua Tree Feeding Project and Pet Assistance. See you at the Renaissance Phoenix Downtown Hotel, 50 E. Adams St. on Sunday, July 28 at 4 p.m.

For tickets and info go to SWAYevents.com

Katy June & Shawn Nerdahl The winsome charm of Katy June, a Phoenix Pride Board Member and co-host of “Clayton McKee’s ‘The Show’” proves she’s a crowd favorite. She’ll cut a rug with the sensational Shawn Nerdahl, who’s been involved with Dancing with the Bars since it’s inception!

Watch out!

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Kat Carlson & Chrissy Coble Who can resist Kat Carlson from The Cash Inn? Kat danced in Season 1 and 3, so her experience makes her a major contender.

Catch Kat’s twist and shout with the blondacioius Chrissy Coble, who’s participating for the first time with DWTB.

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Tim Bishop & Kela Calkins Adorable Kela Calkins carries the torch for Kobalt, and she’s on fire! Kela, who danced in Season 2, is partnered with dancing demon Tim Bishop, who’s talented footwork made his team a winner last year. This is his third competition with DWTB.

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Emilio Minto & Anthony Luna Expect the ballroom to sizzle with sex appeal when Season 3’s winner Emilio Minto, Italian stallion, the bartender from Anvil joins the sexsational Anthony Luna. A force to be reckoned with.

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DUSTY BRinsmade & Diona Peltcs You can’t have a competition without contest staple and everybody’s favorite, Dusty Brinsmade from SWITCH. His experience as a professional figure skater guarantees he’ll be a tough act to follow. All eyes will be on Dusty and his glamorous partner, the lovely Diona Peltcs.

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Stacy Louis & Cullen Daniel The sparkling joie de vivre of Stacy Louis from newcomer to the block, Stacy’s @ Melrose, gets bit by the jitterbug for the second time since the very first competition! He’ll be twirling around the dance floor with Cullen Daniel, who’s been involved with the event for five years now.

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Pussy LeHoot & Joe Eros The sexy Joe Eros trips the light fantastic with Phoenix’s Queen of Country, Charlie’s popular Pussy LeHoot who brings her own special kind of warmth and charm to the competition for the second time since last year.

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TC TAYLOR & RIK DAULT The never-ending-talents of Miss Gay Arizona America 2009, Miss T.C. Taylor from The Rock comes back to the competition! Expect to be dazzled when DWTB veteran Rik Dault and T.C. strut their stuff.

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Sean Emad & Afeelya Bunz Oh, the Lady in red, all the fellas are crazy about the Lady in Red! Afeelya Bunz represents Karamba! La Bunz is partnered with whirling dervish Sean Emad. This is the second time around the dance floor for both of them.

Cha cha cha!

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Elie Contreras & Kevin Bushaw

CREDITS

Hurry, hurry, hurry! Ladies and gentlemen! Step right up!

Come one, come all! It’s a three ring circus when Kevin Bushaw, Creative Director from ION Arizona and the beautiful pussycat Elie Contreras dance together again under the Big Top for the second year in a row!

They make Dancing with the Bars the Greatest Show on Earth!

Photography by Fernando Hernandez.

Direction by Kevin Bushaw. Thanks to Helena Grayson.

Special Thanks to Dance Starz AZ and Apollo’s Lounge.

Costumes available at Dance Starz AZ and Easley’s Fun Shop.

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“Bring on the Gays!”

Suzanne

Westenhoefer Says Something Funny

by Deon Brown photos by Adam Bouska 42

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N o Birkenstocks. No mullet. No flannel. But a whole lotta funny!

Long before Gay was “fashionable,” the lovely Suzanne Westenhoefer was entertaining audiences with her out, proud comedy. Suzanne claims the unique distinction of being the first openly Gay comic to appear on television, appearing on Late Night with David Letterman as well as Comedy Central, Logo TV and HBO where her appearance earned her a Cable Ace Award nomination in 1994.

“When I started there was only a handful of openly Gay comics. We all knew each other. And that’s in the whole country.

It exploded in the late 90s and now they have Gay comedy night all over.

It’s awesome! If you would’ve told me that 15 years ago I would’ve said, ‘Uhh ... hmmm ... you think?” Scottsdale’s Comedy Spot features a popular Gay Comedy Night about four times yearly with budding amateur and national GLBT comedians.

A Straight male with alcohol who thinks I can be ‘changed’ is not my favorite thing.

I turn it back and say, ‘You haven’t met the right man, either, sir.’”

In an already tough business, back then nobody could successfully crack the stand-up comedy circuit and be “out.”

Not even Ellen.

“I’m a piece of Gay history!” she kids. “I was on Sally Jessy Raphael in 1991 and the topic was, ‘Lesbians Who Don’t Look Like Lesbians’ which is so offensive now. I know what you’re trying to say.

But these jokes don’t work anymore.

These are things that even sound stupid to a hip, Straight audience. It’s like ‘The Nightmares of Being Gay.’ You better have a way to say it funnier now,” Suzanne theorizes about the changing times.

When comics like Paula Poundstone, Wanda Sykes and Ellen DeGeneres were still in the closet, the stage was very small for out comedians.

“Yes. It’s extraordinary,” Suzanne remembers about her early days on the comedy circuit working as an out comic.

Society’s opinions, values and morés have affected stand-up comedy. WIth these changes Suzanne’s act is embraced by Straight audiences wherever she performs.

“They love it! I have such a great time with that. See, I don’t apologize for being Gay. I don’t say things, like, ‘I was born Gay. This isn’t a choice.’ I don’t say stuff like that. I don’t believe in that. It’s my life. I don’t care. I get feedback all the time from Straight audiences -- ‘You don’t care what you say!” They love it and I like that.”

Hecklers are always an occupational hazard in stand-up. Then there are the Straight hecklers.

“Yes. A Straight male with alcohol who thinks I can be ‘changed’ is not my favorite thing, Suzanne grimaces. “It’s kind of rare, now. But I’ve definitely got yelled at that I just hadn’t met the right man. I’d turn it back and say, ‘You haven’t met the right man, either, sir. I’ve got a Marine for you, buddy! He’ll whip July 2013 www.IONAZ.com 43

“You don’t have to overindulge to have a fabulous night out.”

-Kitty Victorian, Burlesque University

Learn more at: www.facebook.com/safeout www.twitter.com/lgbtqconsortium This program is funded through Magellan Health Services of Arizona.

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you into shape in no time!” which they don’t like.”

Suzanne’s brash, brassy, breezy, conversational style, observations and acerbic wit is unique; her stand-up is entirely unscripted.

“It’s true. It’s the only way I know how. It’s second nature. I understand that for some people speaking for 75 to 90 minutes is a terrifying thought.

For me, it’s, like, ‘Bring it on!’” she laughs.

Of course, a great audience is every comics dream. Then there’s the joke that tanks. Suzanne’s spot on humor missed with one audience, she remembers.

“I was talking about how I’m no good out in the sun because I’m so German and White and blonde—this is to a New York audience. I said, ‘Oh, you know the

Germans; they burn in the sun.’ I didn’t realize what that sounded like to an audience that was probably threequarters Jewish. I got some flack,” she recounted.

Finally, we asked the funny lady, “Do you love Lucy?”

“Who doesn’t? What?

That shouldn’t even be a question!

Hello? Absolutely!”

“Let’s get the Gay guys to come out and see me! I love my Gay boys!

C’mon Gays! ! I’m Gay!” Get your Gay giggle on with one and only Suzanne Westenhoefer on Saturday, July 20 at the Rialto Theatre, 318 E. Congress St. in Tucson. For tickets call 520-7401000 or visit RialtoTheatre.com. She then packs up her laffs and brings them to StandUp Live, 50 W. Jefferson in Phoenix on Sunday, July 21. For your tickets call 480-719-6100

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80’s Disco Party at Sochu House Burn, baby, burn! It’s a disco inferno! Enjoy the music, the dancing and the big hair fun at the 80s Disco Party with amazing talents of Dallas, Ish and the fabulous Savannah and Masquerade. The alluring Nevaeh is your Hostess with the Mostess, and it all happens on Saturday, August 27 at 10 p.m. at Sochu House Neo Asian and Martini Bar, 2801 N. Central Ave. just south of Thomas Road.

Phone: 602-340-9777

JULY 2013 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE TIME LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S) Wed 3 10:30pm Karamba Pre independence Day Show Fri 12 10:00pm The Rock Juke Joint Sat 27 10:00pm Sochu House 80’s Disco Party Sat 13 10:00pm Kobalt Celia Putty’s Amateur Drag Show to Benefit Camp OUTDoors Sun 14 2:00pm The Rock Sunday Skool Interactive Drag Experience Sun 14 10:30pm Karambs Paulina Rubio Tribute Thurs 25 10:30pm Karamba Amy Winehouse Tribute with Ruby Sun 28 5:00pm The Renaissance Hotel Dancing with the Bars Sun 28 BS West Drag Wars Weekend WEEKLY SHOWS Mondays 6 & 9pm Mondays 10:00pm Mondays 10:00pm Tuesday 10:00pm Wednesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 10:30pm Wednesdays 10:00pm Thursdays 10:00pm Thursdays 10:30pm Fridays 9:00pm Fridays 10:00pm Fridays 9:00pm Saturday All Night Saturdays 9:00pm Saturdays 10:30pm Saturdays 10:00pm Saturdays 10:00pm Saturdays 9:30pm 1st & 3rd Sun. 12:30pm Sundays 8:30pm Sundays 10:30pm

The Rock Charlie’s Apollo’s Karamba IBT’s Karamba Charlie’s Amsterdam Karamba IBT’s Cruisin’ 7th BS West Amsterdam IBT’s Cruisin’ 7th The Rock icepics Charlie’s Cruisin’ 7th Charlie’s Karamba

Movie Mashup with Victoria Bacon Barbra Seville w/ Strippers!

Naughty or Nice Bingo Savannah Moussier’s Show Viva La DIVA Girls of Karamba - Adriana Galiano, Karime Lizaldi, & Celeste Nevaeh TAKES OVER WEDNESDAYS DRAG IS BACK! with Coco St. James & Celia Putty Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds Absolutely Flawless with China Collins The Barbra Seville Show Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers Dance Party with Pop Up Drag Starrletts with Janee Star The Fabulous Mia Inez Adams The Barbra Seville Show The Olivia Gardens Show / A Touch of Soul with Maraya Jordan Pussy’s Patio Show Sunday Morning Madness with Miss Celia Putty Pussy LeHoot & Friends Diamond’s Show July 2013 www.IONAZ.com 47

CALL ME TODAY FOR A FREE QUOTE! AUTO • HOME • LIFE • BUSINESS

I’M GONNA PUMP

YOU UP!

your insurance

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SHANE MILLER

602.753.3251

4020 N. 20th St • Ste 101 Phoenix, AZ 85016

by Jackson David Kelly jacksonkelly@cox.net

Yo, DJ! What’s New? Pet Shop Boys – Electric

Best known for their 80’s smash “West End Girls,” most wouldn’t know Electric is this groups twelfth album. Produced by the famed Stuart Price (à la Madonna’s Confessions), the boys have started their own label and release this inaugural effort aimed for one place—the dancefloor. Though lead single “Axis” is a muscled electro instrumental, find vocal sanctuary and ode in “Get Together” and “Vocal.” This sets’ standout proves to be “Love is a Construct” with its massed choirs and organs. Also of note is the sexy “Bolshy.” Nine tracks in length, Electric is short and sweet. GRADE: B

Sara Bareilles – The

Blessed Heart

Piano pop princess Sara is releasing her fourth album this month.

Although she may always be the “Love Song” onehit wonder, she still deserves your attention. Co-written by Jack Antaonoff of Fun, The Blessed Heart adds sounds of folk, blues, soul, pop and a whole lotta smart lyrics juxtaposed in a warm pie of musical delight. Lead single “Brave” is just that with its bold, powerful message and a piano riff that screams dance. However, for you singer songwriters, find truth in “Manhattan,” this album’s haunting yet melodic gem. This is great music! GRADE: B+ July 2013

KT Tunstall – Invisible Empire

This U.K. songstress has taken a 180 degree turn to genius. Fans take note: this “Black Horse” girl has gone acoustic/bluegrass, reminiscent of k.d. lang’s Ingénue. Never has KT’s voice sounded more vulnerable yet more fluid. Recorded in Tucson, Arizona, Tunstall gets lyrical inspiration from recent life altering events which include death, divorce and loss. Find the perfect intro to this set in lead single “Feel it All” and its ode to sophisticated twang. This set gets additional support from “Invisible Empire,” “Carried” and the melancholy, dreary, yet perfect, “No Better Shoulder.”

GRADE: AIn other music news, after 10 years of silence, Sting is releasing new material this fall. However, those looking for a departure from his experimental phase will have to wait. This album titled, “The Last Ship” comes from material from his hopeful Broadway musical in 2014. Look for this to take on a jazzy, waltz-like tone complete with everything you’d expect from a musical. Other new stuff from: Tiesto, Royksopp, Selena Gomez, Vince Gill, Marc Anthony, Ciara, Gretchen Wilson and Robin Thicke (tentative).

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L L E W Z ! l l e A C That Ends W

by Shane Gallagher

BMacklemore efore “Thrift Shop” by ruled the airwaves, com-

edy hip hop, with its lighter and more humorous style, was carried by several significant acts. In the 80s the Beastie Boys rhymed how we all gotta fight for our right to parrrrty. They were followed in the 90s by Eminem who carried the genre into the millennium alongside artists like Eamon (“I Love Them Hoes”) and Nerdcore.

While few rappers make comedy hip hop their focus, the genre has a substantial loyal following and has been a moneymaker for a select few. Out hip hopper Cazwell earned his hipster

credibility and fattened his wallet with a steady flow of hilarious yet danceable hip hop tracks, including “Ice Cream Truck,” “Rice & Beans” and “I Seen Beyoncé At Burger King.” His hypomanic take on pop culture helped him to rack up over 10 million views on YouTube and sell over one million downloads.

This summer Cazwell returns with the first single from his soon-to-be-released album Hard 2 B Fresh. With its hornheavy electro beats, “Guess What?” is a slightly more serious direction for the rapper. Cazwell sheds his “Weird Al” July 2013 www.IONAZ.com 51

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Yankovic skin for a more Missy Eliot vibe, proclaiming his greatness—or rather, his “hawtness”—through smart-ass rhymes and with the help of vocalist Luciana.

ION: Who is “hawter” than a chili pepper these days?

Cazwell: I was just saying the other day that I think Bruno Mars is totally hot. He’s like the perfect pocket straight. I’d hit it.

ION: Is it true you have a man crush on Kanye West?

Cazwell: Very true. I say that because of his talent. He’s one of my favorite rappers of all time. Love his new work.

ION: Have you always enjoyed showing off your body?

Cazwell: Yes, definitely. It all started when I

was working at an East Village dive where hosting in your underwear was mandatory. You have to monitor your body if your shirt is going to be off. If my body is in shape, I find I’m in a much better mood.

ION: Would you ever pose “full monty” for pics?

Cazwell: No. I like to leave something to the imagination.

ION: Madonna posed nude in photos … just sayin’.

Cazwell: Yeah, I know and everyone knows I love me some Madonna. She changed the game and I give her all my respect for that. Okay, I suppose if I were offered an obscene amount of money to pose nude, I wouldn’t say no.

ION: Were you a cool kid?

Cazwell: I was bullied, especially by the jocks in the school. I was flamboyant and fashionable. I hung out with high school dropouts into the goth and drama scenes.

Out of all my close friends, I was the only one to graduate. It was too difficult for my Gay friends to make it through, from all the abuse and crap that they got.

ION: How would your young self view the big, Gay rapping star you are today?

Cazwell: I would think that I’m fuckin’ awesome. I always knew I wanted to be a stage performer. I was inspired by artists who put on great shows.

ION: Any artist in particular?

Cazwell: I learned a lot from Peaches.

I think she’s the best live performer I’ve ever seen.

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ION: Do you have many young fans?

Cazwell: Yeah, younglings love my music! I have parents come up to me at shows all the time to tell me how their six-yearold daughter loves “Ice Cream Truck” or “Beyoncé at Burger King” and sings it all day.

ION: How do you describe your sound?

Cazwell: Whether its hip hop or EDM, I like to make music that people can dance to. My goal is to create beats I would play as a DJ. The new album has a lot of sounds going on but ultimately you can play the whole thing through at a party.

ION: What themes are you exploring in your music?

Cazwell: For the most part, the theme of my music is about a Gay guy living in New York City. I hope I make music that is relatable to most people. I find if people can identify with the music, it has more power.

ION: What appeals to you about expressing yourself through rhyme?

Cazwell: I’ve always been attracted to the power of rhyme. When I was a kid I would memorize Shel Silverstein poems and act them out for the old ladies in church. I don’t think it’s any coincidence that magic spells are in rhyme form. When you write a good set of bars, it’s very empowering. I went through a serious break up this year and did a lot of rhyming lyrical 54

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doing what they love and that’s the truth.

ION: Is it important to you that people recognize the brains behind the brawn?

Cazwell: Yes! I think that’s gonna happen with this album, particularly. The only thing that ever really offends me is when people say I’m not talented, or that all I do is get hot guys to put in videos and that’s why I got popular. Writing simple songs actually takes talent. I haven’t always been good at it. therapy.

It definitely helped.

ION: You’re single? You sound like a lover scorned. Were you cheated on?

Cazwell: Damn. Have you been reading my journal? Being cheated on is really bad on your self worth, especially when you love the person. I take monogamy seriously when I have a boyfriend. I enjoy being in a relationship. It’s a job, but if I decide to take it on, I strive to be good at it. I’d rather have one person I can trust and be a freak with than dip into a bunch of dudes.

ION: Wow, so Cazwell believes monogamy is the ideal?

Cazwell: Loving yourself is the ideal. But, yeah, everyone seeks a partner, I think.

ION: Do you mind being viewed as a sex object?

Cazwell: No, I love it. Might as well enjoy it while I can, right? I honestly don’t see myself as all that sexy unless I’m on stage. When I’m on stage I’m everything that I want to be and my most confident.

I think everyone is sexy when they are

ION: Let’s talk Gaga. How did you come to work with her?

Cazwell: I rapped on a remix package of “Just Dance.” We did of couple shows together when she was promoting the album. I think she’s really cool. She’s the real deal. I remember when I met her at sound check. She took herself very seriously and was flawless head-totoe. Even though the stage was, like, 3 feet by 5 feet, she thought about every angle for the show. The way she focused on it, you would have thought she was performing Madison Square Garden.

ION: Last question. If you could wake up with anyone naked under your sheets… who would you choose?

Cazwell: Kanye West. But I hope he calls me back.

Cazwell’s “Guess What?” is available on iTunes now.

Find out more at Cazwell.com July 2013 www.IONAZ.com 55

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B-52s &The Go-Go’s When you think of the 80s you have to remember the hair. Well, that and how fun the music was. Nothing says, “Let’s dance!” like the B-52s and The Go-Go’s!

Catch ‘em on Thursday, July 11 at Casino del Sol at 5655 W. Valencia Rd. in Tucson and Friday, July 12 at Talking Stick Resort, 9800 E. Indian Bend Rd. in Scottsdale.

Need tickets? Tucson: 800-344-9435. Phoenix: 800-745-3000

NKOTB, 98° & Boyz II Men Ah, the days when Boy Bands ruled. Who’s cuter? Joey, of course. Okay, so the New Kids ain’t so “new” anymore, but they still got it! Scream like a ‘tween when they join 98° and Boyz II Men on Sunday, July 14 at the Jobing.com Arena at 9400 W. Maryland Ave. in Glendale. For tix go to TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000. If only the Backstreet Boys and ‘NSYNC were there, life would be perfect.

Bruno Mars & Ellie Goulding Sexy Grammy award winner Bruno Mars made his “Lazy Song” a karaoke staple. That naughty, little Bruno! Mark your calendar for Wednesday, July 31 when he’s joined by U.K. soprano Ellie Goulding, who brings her breathy timbre and piercing vibrato from her hit album Lights to the US Airways Center, 201 E. Jefferson St. For tix visit TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000

JULY 2013 ION Concert Calendar DATE ARTIST LOCATION PHONE 6 Summerland Tour Marquee Theatre - Tempe 480-829-0707 7 “Weird Al” Yankovic Mesa Arts Center - Mesa 480-644-6500 11 B-52s & The Go-Go’s Casino del Sol - Tucson 800-344-9435 12 B-52s & The Go-Go’s Talking Stick Resort - Scottsdale 800-745-3000 13 Happy Together Tour Talking Stick Resort - Scottsdale 800-745-3000 14 NKOTB, 98°, Boyz II Men Jobing.com Arena - Glendale 800-745-3000 14 Sugar Ray, Gin Blossoms, et al. Casino del Sol - Tucson 800-344-9435 15 Psychedelic Furs Crescent Ballroom - Phx 602-716-2222 23 Rancid Rialto Theatre - Tucson 520-740-1000 24 Rancid Marquee Theatre - Tucson 480-829-0707 24 American Idol Live Comerica Theatre - Phx 602-379-2888 26 Matchbox Twenty, Goo Goo Dolls Comerica Theatre - Phx 31 Bruno Mars & Ellie Goulding US Airways Ctr - Phx 800-745-3000 31 Chris Isaak Celebrity Theatre - Phx 602-267-1600 AUGUST 3 KC & the Sunshine Band Desert Diamond Casino - Sahuarita 800-745-3000 July 2013 www.IONAZ.com 59

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by Kimberly M. Ruff kimberlymruff@yahoo.com

Despicable Me 2 Starring Voice Talents: Steve Carell, Russell Brand, Kristen Wiig, Benjamin Bratt After forgoing his villainous ways for the sake of his three adopted daughters in Despicable Me, Gru (Carell) leads a rather unexciting life. That is until he’s recruited by the Anti-Villain League run by Silas Ramsbottom (Steve Coogan) to combat crime on a global scale.

Discovering there’s a new villain on the loose—El Macho—Gru must work with his faithful gadget man, Dr. Nefario (Brand), his minions, and his daughters, Margo (Miranda Cosgrove), Edith and Agnes, to save the world. Kristen Wiig, Benjamin Bratt, and Ken Jeong co-star. Release Date: 07/03

Broken Starring: Eloise Laurence, Tim Roth, Rory Kinnear, Cillian Murphy, Robert Emms A heartrending coming-of-age story.

11-year-old Skunk is a diabetic who, despite her disease, lives a relatively normal life in a British suburb with her loving father, Archie (Roth), older brother and au-pair, Kasia (Zana Marjanovic.)

Skunk’s life reaches a dramatic turn after witnessing her neighbor, Mr. Oswald (Kinnear), savagely beating a neighbor boy because one of Mr. Oswald’s daughters lied, claiming the boy raped her. This triggers a series of events that threaten to destroy Skunk unless those who love her are able to reach her in time to save her life. Release Date: 07/19

Girl Most Likely Starring: Kristen Wiig, Annette Bening, Matt Dillon, Christopher Fitzgerald Kristen Wiig stars as Imogene, a failed New York playwright, whose tentative grasp on potential fame makes her slide into obscurity even more difficult to handle. After attempting suicide to win back her ex, she’s forced into the custody of her gambling addict mother, Zelda (Bening) and her shiftless brother (Fitzgerald), only to discover that her old bedroom is occupied by a boarder and her mother’s taken a lover (Dillon.) While it’s critical for her own happiness to grow apart from her family, she must first learn to accept them before breaking free. Release Date: July 19, 2013

The Wolverine Starring: Hugh Jackman, Hugh Jackman’s Biceps, Titanium Knife Hands Does it really matter what the plot is to The Wolverine? Let’s just satisfy ourselves with the fact that the film stars Hugh Jackman, who is one of my personal favorite actors (both, in terms of aesthetics and talent) and it’s a prequel to the whole X-Men franchise, so I’m guessing—just guessing, mind you—it’s probably about how Wolverine got accidentally slashed by a radioactive Edward Scissorhands who was styling Wolfie’s hair and now he’s angry and Out. For. Justice. As audience members, we win!

Release Date: 07/26 July 2013 www.IONAZ.com 61

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by Albert Rivas arivas3@gmail.com

T

he blazing heat is upon us and taking air conditioned shelter is the best sanctuary.

This month we’re hitting the nostalgia and paying homage to the WB Network.

“Buffy the Vampire Slayer” wasn’t just a show about vampire fighting and kicking demon ass; it showed Buffy Summers (Sarah Michelle Gellar) juggling her slayer duties to keep Sunnydale safe from a Hellmouth, when strange energies create supernatural activity, while she tried to live a normal life. But when most of us lost our virginity, our significant other didn’t lose their soul in the process. That’s what happened to Angel (David Boreanaz), but he got a spinoff so it all worked out.

For seven years creator/producer/writer Joss Whedon brought us episodes like “Hush,” featuring one of the scariest demons in the series (The Gentleman) and very little dialogue. “Once More, with Feeling” started the trend of a musical episode. Out of the great episodes came superb ones. “The Body” featured the Scooby Gang dealing with the loss of Buffy’s mother — a tear jerker defining death so beautifully. A “must watch.”

The Scooby Gang dealt with a lot from Willow (Alyson Hannigan), becoming one of the strongest wiccans turning into Dark Willow after watching her lover Tara die.

Human Xander (Nicholas Brendon) was in love with the vengeance demon Anya (Emma Caulfield), while the Watcher,

Giles, (Anthony Stewart Head) served as Buffy’s mentor and father figure. Along the way Buffy battled against a god, Glorificus, which led to her sacrifice in “The Gift.” Being resurrected for a second time caused an unbalance on the Good and Evil scale giving The First Evil his power play on the Slayer line and giving Buffy her finest hour.

Buffy saved the world a lot.

“I don’t want to wait for our lives to be over...” Yes, that haunting line can mean only mean weepy, teen soap “Dawson’s Creek” is on. Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) wants to be the next Spielberg while falling in love with his longtime friend Joey Porter, (Katie Holmes). Apparently it was totally fine with their parents to have sleep overs and climb ladders to the second-floor bedroom in the middle night.

Don’t forget the Bad-Girl-Next-Door, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams), the out-ofcontrol wild child from NYC relocated to her grandparent’s. This caused a bizarre love triangle but it wouldn’t compare to the Mother of Shockers from Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson), betraying his best friend and falling in love with Joey. Special recognition has to go to their hot, Gay pal Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith), who was an inspiration for me when I came to terms with who I was.

The series finale brought the death of Jen but not before she recorded a video for her daughter, and Joey finally decided on her one true love. And I am still not happy with her decision.

Both series are available on Netflix.

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by Wes Bergman wesobergman@yahoo.com

Wilfred, Season 2 Cloudburst

(2011)

Starring: Olympia Dukakis, Brenda Fricker, Ryan Doucette Oscar winners Olympia Dukakis (Moonstruck) and Brenda Fricker (My Left Foot) star as an elderly lesbian couple who hit the road in search of answers in this film adaptation of this stage play by writer/director, Thom Fitzgerald (The Hanging Garden, 3 Needles.)

Sour Stella (Dukakis) and sweet Dot (Fricker) have been together for 31 years, yet they’ve never come out to Dot’s family. This fact complicates their situation after Dot injuries herself in a fall and her granddaughter decides the wisest course of action is to put her in a nursing home, regardless of Stella’s opinion on the matter. Stella and Dot have no choice but to go AWOL, destination: Canada, where they’ll tie the knot once and for all to ensure they won’t be separated.

(2012)

Starring: Elijah Wood, Jason Gann, Fiona Gubelmann Wilfred is one of the strangest, funniest shows currently on TV. Elijah Wood stars as Ryan Newman, a young lawyer who struggles with depression until he meets Wilfred, his neighbor’s dog. If I stopped there, I would essentially be describing a show as sentimental as Lassie, but here’s the catch: while everyone else sees Wilfred as just a dog, Ryan sees him as a foul-mouthed, pot-smoking Australian guy in a dog costume (played by Jason Gann), who frequently encourages Ryan to do things that are illegal, unhealthy and dangerous in the name of, as Wilfred says, “carne diem.”

Along the way, they pick up a hitchhiker (Doucette, Trailer Park Boys), and the three of them embark on a Thelma and Louisestyle road trip (sans the steamy heterosexual sex) where Stella is forced to answer just how equipped she really is to care for her aging, blind lover. Dukakis, always a welcome presence on the screen, is so perfect as the foul-mouthed, cantankerous Stella that I flushed with embarrassment hearing this octogenarian’s curse-laden rants.

While the driving force behind the series is the question, “Why does Ryan see Wilfred differently?” the humor lies in the fact that just as you forget Wilfred’s a dog, he inevitably says or does something so totally dog-like (e.g., chase pigeons, eat a squirrel), you’re caught off guard.

While the film is hilarious when the two actresses bicker like Walter Mathau and Jack Lemmon in Grumpy Old Men, it’s depth is derived from the earnestness of their devotion to one another.

Season 2 continues with Ryan and Wilfred’s sometimes unhealthy friendship as Ryan navigates a new job and a new romance while trying to establish his identity and assert his independence.

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May the 4th be with you. and not just the day.

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In super trendy Scottsdale it’s always a

matter of keeping up with the Joneses (or Sam Fox) and angling to be The Next Big Thing. Clubs come, clubs go. Tapas today.

Sushi tomorrow. Meat, vegan, gluten free, free range, organic, the list goes on.

The au très chic Saguaro Hotel has had more than a few facelifts and makeovers since its original incarnation as a Holiday Inn in days of yore. The old gal kept up with the times, evolving into the shortlived James, morphing into the Mondrian eventually crystallizing into the Saguaro Hotel. Despite some truly reprehensible color combinations (Chartreuse and orange. Really? Nobody looks good reflected in a chartreuse and orange.) they just might make save the old warhorse from the glue factory yet. The hipsters are certainly dedicated to it. The far-flung grounds are lush, beautiful and what makes Scottsdale such a fabulous destination.

The dining room/bar once had a baffling chicken and egg theme but has been transformed into a warm, inviting space on the edge of the Civic Center Mall called ‘Distrito,’ created by Iron Chef season 2 alum, the gifted chef José Garces, whose claim to fame includes ousting the great Bobby Flay in the Melon Challenge. Garces owns ten eateries in the Philadelphia area and operates a handful more around the country.

Garces’ menu recalls traditional Mexican comfort food of the

Distrito Distrito Federal of Mexico City with his own, unique, Iron Chef flair.

We slipped into for a leisurely lunch and got a little taste of what’s goin’ down South of the Border. Is Distrito all it’s cracked up to be? Maybe.

Tongues all over Yelp wag about the Guacamole ($10). Never a big fan of guac, I steeled myself. Frankly, I was bowled over. It’s sheer simplicity featuring ripe avocado, a hint of roasted jalapeño with a touch of cotija cheese made me a fan. Only Barrio Café’s—though totally different—can compete. Their Ceviche de Atún with Yellowfin Tuna ($9) is highly regarded in some circles, I hear.

Mexico’s street tacos have taken the U.S.A. by storm.

Distrito offers four different meats, including a daily fish, on corn tortillas. We sampled the Carnitas (three for $9) with marinated pulled pork,

black beans and— theoretically— pineapple salsa, which was missing from ours, sadly. The pork was a little dry. This made us muy sad.

The “Especialidades” feature a Carne Asada ($16) was a little filet of abodo rubbed hanger steak, plantain gremolata (a condiment featuring a relative of the banana), refried beans and red rice. The steak was tender and expertly seasoned.

Another specialty is their unique take on the Chile Relleno ($16). The traditional poblano pepper is expertly grilled and surprisingly not battered—a first for me. It’s filled with supergrain quinoa, kale, black beans, queso oaxaca and a delightful yellow tomato puree. The “stuffing” might sound overwhelming, but it’s so delicately combined the nuances are hard to describe. This entrée is vegetarian.

Don’t forget Distrito’s amazing bar, featuring 100 different types of tequilas.

Specialty cocktails, like their creatively mixed Margaritas are one of a kind, like the Naranja Roja with blood orange liqueur and puree along with habanero giving it a special kind of kick.

The dinner menu features the lunch items and many more snacks, shared and large plates, plus a Taco Bar for $25 per person—two person minimum.

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and those visiting out-of-towners who’d like to see the West’s Most Western Town (especially if they’re on a T&E expense account.)

A bargain?

Not really. But remember: it’s Scottsdale and you’re getting Iron Chef™ credentials. And Scottsdale never really has been about bargains, now has it?

4000 N. Drinkwater Blvd. in the Scottsdale Civic Center Mall 480-970-4444

July 2013 www.IONAZ.com 69

Local Soldier

David Griswold is

We Discuss Army Life Post “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”

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B

efore joining the United States Army, David Griswold’s passion was performing. He is a two time Zoni winner. You might have seen him dancing or doing aerial work with modern dance company Scorpius. He also danced as the “Prince” in The Nutcracker and with shock rock vet Alice Cooper for his “Christmas Pudding” show.

DG: My dad tried to get me to join my whole life, but more or less in an attempt to “fix” me. I was always afraid of the idea. It changed with the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” I saw a big social rights movement happening and I wanted to be on the ground level. For the first time the government said, “We accept you.” I was less afraid and more intrigued.

“I trained for two years in San Francisco, and for five years I lived in New York City training at the American Ballet Theater, Broadway Dance Center and the Alvin Ailey Dance Theater.” He also worked at Madison Square Garden as a halftime performer for the New York Knicks and Liberty basketball teams and Splash nightclub as a go-go boy.

The defining moment was Hurricane Sandy. I woke up with questions like, “What if something bad happens in my community or to my loved ones? What skills do I have to help? When am I going to fix the mistakes of my past and start taking myself and my life more seriously?” I knew I had to make some big changes if I wanted a secure future.

But not everything was coming up roses.

ION: Are you completely “out” to your comrades?

“My last nine months I found my self homeless and living out of a storage unit and GLBT youth shelters. It was a humbling experience. I still held down three jobs through all that,” Griswold admits.

Soon, Uncle Sam called and David answered. ION Arizona talked to Private Griswold about his experience as a Gay soldier post “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”

“I’m about to go ‘into the box’ for 15 days of intense war and combat training; living in a tent and pooping in a bag,” Griswold predicts.

This is his story.

ION: Why did you to join the armed services?

DG: I’ve been out since I was 15, and lucky enough to be surrounded by supportive people, so it was very hard for me to go back into the closet. It felt shameful and fake. I didn’t want to be recognized for my sexual preference but for the quality of my work.

I was lucky to meet a Gay and out sergeant. He was treated with respect and everyone liked him; his courage gave me courage. When I am asked politely, I respond truthfully.

ION: Do you know other Gay soldiers?

DG: I do. They motivate me to work hard, because most of them are much higher ranking then me. I can only hope to be like them.

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ION: What’s the weirdest and grossest thing about the army?

DG: It’s amazing how quickly you get desensitized to the weird and gross. I’ve spent months in quarters with up to thirty men, with shared bathrooms with no doors. I’m around so much farting and sick jokes that not much grosses me out anymore.

ION: What’s on your iPod? DG: One of the hardest things about basic training was not having any music at all ... ever! It was so sad. Right now I’m listening to Fall Out Boy, Rihanna, anything by Bassnecter and Daft Punk. Last, I just have to say Britney Spears will always be on my iPod. I love that crazy B! ION: What’s your training regimen?

DG: Every morning I do a group run with my unit for about two hours or cross train. After work, I go to the gym to lift.

On the weekends I go swimming, biking, or hit up a hot yoga class. And every night before bed I’m usually dancing around my room in my underwear.

This Fourth of July ION Arizona recognizes all of our military for their efforts to guard our freedom and secure that of others.

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IBT’s KARAOKE

SHERATON HOTEL DOWNTOWN PHOENIX SEE MORE GREAT PICTURES AT IONAZ.COM | #IONARIZONA ON INSTAGRAM

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LAUNCH PARTY

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BISBEE PRIDE

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HISTORIC BISBEE, ARIZONA

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July 2013

Vol. 7, Issue 6

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

Paula Deen Puts Foot in Mouth May Eat It. OUTRAGEOUS!

SAVANNAH, Ga.—All y’all foodies can put away your butter, oil and Fry Daddies. Southern fried comfort food queen Paula Deen’s country gravy smothered empire fell like a French soufflé overnight. Deen removed a breaded, doublecut pork chop she was eating just long enough to stick her big, fat foot in her mouth when allegations that she said the “n” word and was racial stereotyping for business purposes surfaced last month. It looks like her goose is cooked.

Deen emerged with egg on her face when diagnosed with diabetes in 2009, only announcing it in 2012. In all likelihood she’ll lose her foot in the next few years anyway. The sassy Southern cook waffled under the recent scrutiny.

OUTRAGEOUS!

The First Lady of Lard had her finger in many pies and she’ll be eating crow with the sponsorship loss of meal tickets like Walmart, Novo Nordisk, JC Penney, QVC and her show on the Food Network, which was the icing on “Paula bit off more than sheTO can THE chew, but the IS cake.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TRUTH TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL this ol’ gal has a long history of making lemonade out of lemons. Well, lemonade “Paula’s gone from the frying pan into the with about six sticks of margarine and three fire,” reports one source. “She works like a— cups of heavy cream.” said one of Deen’s well—very, very hard. She’s top banana. She publicists before he quit. “But since she won’t let this upset the applecart.” stuck that big, giant, Virginia ham sized-foot Paula Deen will take it all with a grain of foot in her mouth, she might make a skillet of red-eye gravy from it and serve it all up, sugar. And that’s bad if you’ve got diabetes. piping hot.”

OUTRAGEOUS!

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OUTRAGEOUS! Read This and Cry: Mansion Shortage has Millionaires Scrambling.

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL PALM BEACH, Fla.—Preston Fairchild Van Buskirk IV and his wife, Bitsy, are living in a cramped, two story, 5 bedroom, 4.5 bath, 5,500 square foot shack. It sits on a lush, landscaped six-acre property within sight of the Atlantic Ocean. With children Cameron, LizBeth, Carson and Barrett (from his first wife, Mitsy) quarters are tight. They need to move. But decent mansions are scarce in the real estate market.

many rich people and not enough mansions.”

wealthiest zip codes has dropped drastically,” said Trixie Buchanan-Hastings, a realtor for Sotheby’s. “It’s a cruel world if your filthy, stinking rich.” In places like Carmel, California and Old Greenwich, Connecticut, mansion availability has dropped 70%.

living in their Bentley’s on Rodeo Drive and Lake Shore Drive unless more million dollar housing opens up.

“I don’t know what we’re going to do,” wept Mrs. Bennett “Bunny” Hayward. “We’re stuck in this rat-trap, 3,500 square foot penthouse in Highland Park because there’s nothing in Palm Beach. Nothing! Lake Forest, nothing! We can’t even find the tiniest little estate in Beverly Hills! Tragic. Simply tragic.”

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TOTO THE TRUTH IS IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL ANY RESEMBLANCE THE TRUTH TRAGICALLY America’s one percent mayACCIDENTAL find themselves “Inventory for a decent mansion in America’s

Former celebrity, has-been Sally Struthers agreed to act as spokesperson for the newly formed Millionaire Mansion Fund to find high-cost housing for the wealthy without an estate. Hurry. Before it’s too late. You can help. Call 1-800-SCREW THE POOR.

OUTRAGEOUS! “The fact of the matter is this,” BuchananHastings says. “There just aren’t enough mansions to go around anymore. There are too

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OUTRAGEOUS! Gettysburg Battle Gets New Spin: South Wins!

OUTRAGEOUS!

GETTYSBURG, Penn.—The decisive three-day battle that turned the tide of the Civil War and ultimately decided the fate of the Confederacy happened in the outskirts of a sleepy Pennsylvania town.

After July 1-3, 1863 ANY RESEMBLANCE nothing would be the same.

hallowed battlefield were shocked when they saw thousands and thousands of actors enlisted to play Union casualties littering the battlefield instead of the doomed Southerners. The two armies suffered ACCIDENTAL approximately 50,000 casualties.

OUTRAGEOUS! TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY

This 150th anniversary of the historic battle featured some modern twists on the historic clash between North and South.

“It felt good to win this battle in the War of Northern Aggression,” said one Southern Major. “Those stupid Yankees got what was coming to ‘em, finally. Losers!”

“We decided to let the South win this time,” said one anonymous official who organizes the “I don’t get it,” said Horace Blaine, 58, from Long Island, NY who visited the national reenactment. “I mean, look. We do this crap cemetery for the reenactment on the historic year after year. Every time those damn Rebels battle’s anniversary. “I was standing over by get their asses kicked at Little Round Top, the Wheatfield, and the next thing you know, Seminary Ridge, Cemetery Hill and the Peach ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS General TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL the Lee guy comes charging in Orchard.

It’s really demoralizing for them.

It ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL yelling, ‘We win! We win! The South wins!’ just felt right to let them win for once.”

That’s something you don’t hear everyday.”

Visitors who made the pilgrimage to the

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

WARNING: Reading Outrageous requires a sense of humor. If you do not posess one, you probably shouldn’t have read the last three pages. Reading Outrageous may cause serious stomach pain and uncontrollable laughter. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

OUTRAGEOUS!

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F

riday nights are hoppin’ and poppin’ and gettin’ steamier at The Rock. In addition to Pandora DeStrange and her gang of Gender Outlaws in the showroom, the inimitable Austin Head cranked out the tunes and everybody’s favorite (including ours) Stacey Jay Cavaliere (1) from One n Ten plied the crowd with de-luscious liquid libations as he scampered about in his pink booty shorts.

Stacey Jay promises to wear a different color every week. Here’s some expert, award-winning photojournalism for you: my readers.

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A couple of our faves, Scottie StoneJervis and Felicia Minor (2) were on hand to enjoy the entertainment along with that darling Josh Rivers (3) who snuggled up to the always popular Sherry Vine.

Hello, Dali! From the “I’ve Been Framed!”

Department: the Phoenix Art Museum recently hosted their quarterly-ish GLBT “Art Night Out” where culture vultures peeked at a Picasso, whistled at the Whistler while the Lesbians queefed by the O’Keefe. (Okay, that pun stunk.

Ooops! I did it again! Somebody stop me!) The most popular art exhibit was the vodka. Guests were lined up to see that!

Tout le monde was there. Nabobs like Carrick Sears and Daniel Ruacho rubbed elbows with Community Medical Clinic’s too-too divine Dustin Marshall and that handsome Dr. Warren Moody who kinda makes me want a prostate exam real bad. One finger: medical. Two fingers: magical!

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Of course, I paused to flirt shamelessly with those darlings Robert Kerry and Matthew Fenicle.

I’m not stupid! It was great to see Mel Reese and Brian Gallop and Chance Gullen diving into the fray. I spotted two humpy guys named Manolo and César who make the gypsy blood run hot through my veins. If you’re out there, boys, call me. And I don’t mean, “maybe.”

The ageless beauty Barbra Seville (4) celebrated another journey in high heels and foam rubber tits around the big, shiny, bedazzled Sun. And Mam’zelle Seville got a Man of Steel, alright. Well, actually 4 a Man of Plastic. He’ll certainly keep her company on these long, cold summer nights. Just use lots of AstroGlide, lady!

We’re so excited with the grand opening of Zorf’s! (Formerly Friends, formerly Cherry Bar, formerly Friends ... again!) and wish them all the luck in the world! Wall-to-wall well-wishers dropped by to say “adíos” to Jim, and “howdy” to Kenny!

Damn, damn, damn! After an all too brief hiatus, a certain “rhythmless nation” go-go boy “Don’t Touch Me If You’re Gay But I’ll Take Your Filthy Money Anyway” colossus is back, shakin’ his “off-limits-to-boys/girls-only” moneymaker in the same ol’ red underpants and ugly, ugly grey sneakers and black socks he always wears. And, as always, he’s (now remember this! It’s important!) still “Keepin’ it classy!” Riiiiight.

Sheesh.

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“ wear not by the moon, the fickle moon, the inconstant moon, lest they love prove likewise variable.” Shakespeare said that.

What does this mean? You’re apt to be falling in and out of love this month. A summer romance has you hot and bothered.

Prickly heat has you itchin’ and scratchin’.

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

Gun show! A show of strength has you flexing your muscles. This may be intellectually, spiritually, socially or physically. I’d start reading the classics— like Tolstoy, not Harry Potter—along with pumping some iron.

Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20

You might vaguely recall a promise you made to somebody. That somebody is calling in his markers. Make good on that commitment. Even if it involves helping them move. In the middle of summer.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Your creative juices are flowing. Open your mind to the artistic muses deep within and let it flow! It might be a painting, or a sculpture, or a celebration of dance. Maybe it’s just a meatloaf. Art comes in different forms.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

You’re normally tame life takes a daring turn this month. Not exactly like a Rambo movie, but some unexpected excitement has your heart racing. If it’s your birthday look out for a cake with a bomb in it. Just kidding! Or am I?

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22

Your cute, kittenish ways have you chasing a little ball of yarn, eating catnip and scratching up the good furniture, dammit!

Celebrating your birthday? You’ll sink your claws into someone you’ve been stalking for a while now. Meow!

Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22

You know that wish you made on that shooting star? It comes true this month. At first it’s, like, “Oh boy!” but later it’s, “Crap!”

You need to read the fine print with wishes.

Throw a coin in a fountain for good luck.

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22

You’re feeling naturally suspicious this month. I’m not advocating any kind of conspiracy theory, but you just might want to avoid taking any metaphoric motorcades past a “Grassy Knoll” at work or at home.

Duck if you hear a shot.

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23

A thrifty decision gives you a financial boon.

Remember: there’s no such thing as “extra” cash. Thinking about Vegas? No. The casinos? No. That little hoard you saved will come in handy next month.

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23

You have a talent for always finding the silver lining—even if it’s a little tarnished.

Your Pollyanna optimism is a little bit syrupy, but we love you for it. This month you inspire someone who inspires you. It’s confusing, I know.

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20

You’ll have your hands full this month.

And your bed, too. Your sexy mojo has you exuding pheromones that are attracting everybody. Male, female. Even Libertarians. You’ll make “slutty” cool.

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

You know those “skinny jeans” you’ve been saving, hoping they’ll fit again? Honey, it just ain’t gonna happen. We all know that.

But, bless your heart, you’ve got a great personality. And a cute haircut. Really!

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

Your flair for the dramatic has your audiences alternately laughing and crying.

You’re like Meryl Streep, except without any accent. Chewing up the scenery late in the month works to your advantage. Just keep it real occasionally.

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