ION Arizona #146

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ENJOY WITH OLD FRIENDS.

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3819 North 3rd Street Suite 26, Phoenix, AZ 85012 (602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com ionarizona@me.com Publisher / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero ............................................ jacktesorero@me.com

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ..................................................... kbushaw@me.com Editor Deon Brown ................................................... ionazeditor@me.com COPY EDITOR .......................................................... Austin Head GRAPHIC DESIGNER ......................................... Angel Jimenez SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR ..................... Stacey Jay Cavaliere PRODUCTION & Artwork SUBMISSIONS

ionazproduction@me.com Advertising Sales Karrington Valenzuela ............................................... (480) 760-3073 Shane Martos ............................................................ (206) 769-3845 Danny Catt, Regional Sales Director ......................... (520) 429-5905

ionazsales@me.com

ADVERTISING CONSULTANT Bill Knoop ................................................................. (602) 301-8457

Photographers:

Fernando Hernandez Don Thompson Scotty Kirby Franklin Diaz

Jerry O’Conner Danny Catt Sean Kapera Jeremiah Toller

National Advertising Representative Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 ContributORS:

Wes Bergman Deon Brown Addison DeWitt Jackson David Kelly C. Edwards

Ted Kirby Albert Rivas Kim Ruff Paul Sanchez Barbra Seville

Published monthly by

1995-2013: 18 Years of Design and Creative Excellence © 2013 JMT Designs, Inc.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.

NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company.

Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

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DRAG SHOWS • MEN OF STRUT • GOGO BOYS UNDERWEAR NIGHT • SHOW TUNES • KARAOKE

Always something going on...

For the latest Events, Show Times, and Drink Specials visit

icepicsvideobar.com facebook.com/icepics

2-4-1 HAPPY HOUR

4:00-8:00pm EVERY DAY on almost EVERYTHING!

$4

MARTINIS 10:00AM8:00 PM

602-267-8707

3108 E. McDowell Rd. @ 31st St. August 2013 www.IONAZ.com 9

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lot of print media has seen better days, but ION Arizona Magazine is alive and well. The printed version ION Arizona is just the beginning. ION has grown to be more than a magazine: we’re an online publication, we social network, we’re connected through the web, e-mail and more.

We’re all connected.

Going, going, gone!

We can only print and deliver a set amount of ION magazines. This makes every edition of ION special. Once they’re gone, they’re gone! Get yours early! We want to reach out, getting with more online readers, more Facebook friends and more email recipients. You can sign up at IONAZ.com Free ION Subscriptions Starting today, we’re giving away FREE subscriptions! We’ll deliver every issue of ION Arizona right to your home computer, tablet or smart phone. Go to IONAZ.com and sign up for your free, unlimited subscription now! Best of all, you’ll receive each issue 2-3 days before the printed issue comes out.

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Dancing with the Bars ION is everywhere! Our company and staff is involved with major events and fundraisers.

Congratulations to ION’s own Kevin Bushaw and his dance instructor Ellie Contreres for participating in SWAY Events’ “Dancing with the Bars: All Stars.” We are so proud of the both of you.

Pets and People Enjoy our fifth annual “Pets and the City” issue. We had so many great entries from our readers who wanted to join in. Thanks to everyone who’s part of this special issue, and to those who donated so generously helping ION raise funds for Joshua Tree Pet Assistance Project. Special thanks to Apollo’s and The Rock in Phoenix and Monterey Court Studio Galleries in Tucson for letting us use your spaces for our traveling studio.

Even though it’s the middle of summer, get out and have some fun! Support our advertisers who support our community.

Use ION as your guide. Make sure you take care of your amazing pets— especially in this heat!

Jack Tesorero

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www.zorfs.com

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brought to you by an old friend

Grand OpeninG August 8th @9pm (closed 4pm - 9pm)

See what else is new in town 4343 North 7th Avenue Phoenix

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80’s disco party

SEE MORE GREAT PICTURES AT IONAZ.COM

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SOCHU HOUSE

| #IONARIZONA ON INSTAGRAM

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Hell Freezes Over It’s cold as a witch’s you-know-what! Get a taste of winter 9 p.m. on Saturday, August 10 at Charlie’s when they truck in 16 tons of ice cold snow!

Have a sno-cone and enjoy the sno-slide.

The only thing that isn’t frigid are the redhot go-go boys! 727 W. Camelback Rd. Phoenix Phone: 602-265-0224. Charlie’s: Home of the Coldest Ice in Town! See ad p. 17

Roscoe’s Anniversary For 17 years Roscoe’s has brought Super Bowl parties, World Series parties, Chili Cook-Offs, amazing brunches, an amazing Bloody Mary bar and everything “sports” to Phoenix. Join their huge anniversary celebration Friday, August 16 thru Sunday, August 17. Enjoy games, cheap drink specials, hot, hot boys and fun!

4531 N. 7th. St. Phoenix. See ad on p. 14

Mustache Ride Take a Mustache Ride over to icepics videobar to celebrate this popular party’s 4th Anniversary with a super-sexy Wet Underwear Contest!

Strip down to your skivvies for a chance to win—or just watch! The fun happens on Tuesday, August 20 at icepics! 3108 E. McDowell Rd. Phoenix. Phone: 602-267-8707

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Carnaval Latino Celebrate Labor Day Weekend at Karamba when they host their popular Carnaval Latino party! Stick around because at midnight they’re showcasing a sizzling underwear fashion show that’s bound to be muy caliente! 1724 E. McDowell Rd. Phoenix. Phone: 602-254-2301. See ad on p. 13

AUGUST 2013 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE EVENT

LOCATION

CITY

Mondays Open Mic Night 8 Grand Opening 10 Hell Freezes Over Party 11 Desert Overture 13 Madonna’s Birthday Party 16-18 Roscoe’s 17th Anniversary 16-17 Get Lei’d!

17 Jello Wrestling 24 9th Anniversarty Party 25 Miller Lite Dance Troupe 28 Karaoke Grand Finale 31-9/2 Rocky Point Weekend 31-9/2 Southwest Decadence SEPTEMBER 1 Release Party 1 Carnaval Latino 2 Monday Morning Madness 2 Billy Dare

Zorfs Stacy’s@Melrose Charlie’s Trinity Cathedral Charlie’s Phoenix Dick’s Cabaret Charlie’s Karamba Karamba The Rock Charlie’s FLEX

Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix

Club DWNTWN Karamba IBT’s Zorfs

Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix

Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix

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Jello Wrestling

ello ain’t just for dessert anymore. It’s also great for wrestling! Grand Canyon Performing Arts is staging a Jello Wrestling Tournament benefiting AIDS Walk Phoenix and the Phoenix Men’s Chorus at Charlie’s on Saturday, August 17.

This wiggly, jiggly event of fun and frolic is sponsored by Red Bull, Little Black Dress, Southern Comfort and the good people at Alliance Beverage Distributing Company. They will award the winning wrestler $500 for their skills. The event will be hosted by the silver-tongued Clayton McKee who will be assisted by the Sweetheart of the Superstitions: Miss Pussy LeHoot.

Members of the chorus will be slinging the drinks from 7-9 p.m. So belly up to the bar and order a beer from a baritone or tequila from a tenor, even a boilermaker from a bass!

Some special items to be auctioned off to support Step Up Phoenix, part of AIDS Walk Phoenix and the Phoenix Men’s Chorus. Lucky enthusiasts will get the chance to hose down their favorite wrestler after the match. You’ll have your choice of an athlete in the Drag, Lesbian, Twink or Bear Divisions.

If you’d like to audition and sing with the Phoenix Men’s Chorus, auditions will be held on August 6, 13 & 20. For more info and to sign up visit PhoenixMensChorus.org. or call 602-228-5587

Photos from ES Collection courtesy of Tan United / TUC.

You can register now for AIDS Walk Phoenix 2013 at AIDSWalkPhoenix.org

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Implants and Sedation Crowns and Veneers Extractions Root Canals Dentures Sports & Trauma Dr. Fehmi & Dr. Beyramian

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Eating My Feelings

Mark Brennan Roseburg’s Tales of Overeating, Underperforming and Coping with His Crazy Family

by Deon Brown photos

by Eric James August 2013 26 www.IONAZ.com

“Fatty, fatty! Two-by-four!” Writer Mark Brennan Rosenberg’s hilarious new book about his battle of the bulge is a buffet of laffs. There are no sacred cows for Mark. They’ve all been eaten. Now, after a rollicking early life of abuse and profligacy, Mark is fit, clean, sober, in love and able to write about growing up as a fat, very foulmouthed kid who loved soap operas, Clueless, Julie Andrews movies (except for the one by Hitchcock), Drama Camp and food, glorious food.

His true-life tales will have you laughing out loud.

“I have no filters,” Mark said in an interview with ION. “There has to be someone regulating the shit that comes out of my mouth.”

The handmade, Italian kid leather gloves are off in this book.

thinly disguised as “basketball camp.”

Mark vents his spleen to his mom when he learns of the plans. She encouraged him, “Maybe it’ll be fun!”

“Well, Mother, we all thought that Kimberly blowing up Melrose Place was going to be fun and look at what a mess that turned out to be!”

Even though Mark survived “fat camp.” The side effects of those days still linger.

“That fat kid never goes away,” Mark says. “A lot of Gay guys struggled with weight growing up. When you reach adulthood and you’re Gay, stereotypes are still stereotypes, but facts are facts. We are men and we are very much aesthetically oriented.”

“Just pretend you’re in prison for one hour and have nothing better to do because the other inmates will kill you if they find out you watch One Life to Live.”

“My journey led me to the couch with a bucket of chicken and reruns of Petticoat Junction, which was not nearly as rewarding but certainly a hell of a lot more entertaining,” he writes about his childhood. Like the time he unsuccessfully tried to learn to rollerblade. He did learn how to fall down, however.

“My ass hurts,” he wrote. “That was the first, but certainly not the last time I uttered those words.”

Mark’s father scotched his beloved annual Drama Camp plans one summer with an ulterior motive. He sent him to a “fat camp,”

stories.

Mark’s book is about more than the funny, cussing, fat kid (who really loves cake)

“The whole point the book is that it’s not on the outside that counts. Everybody struggles with body image issues. If you have a fucked up inside, nobody’s gonna want to see that inside at all. It’s growing up, being told you’re fat and going to Gay bars, seeing six-pack abs everywhere, muscles, slutty dancers (who really are slutty but you kinda wanna look like them anyway.) It fucks with your brain. But you can’t have a fabulous outside without having a fabulous inside as well,” Mark believes.

After he got in shape, Mark considered a Julie & Julia-type blog where he would August 2013 www.IONAZ.com 27

sleep around, completing every sexual position outlined in the book, The Joy of Sex. “I thought this task would be effortless.

Whether they’re 18 or 88. All gay men are pigs and whores, myself included,” he wrote. He hit up the sexy “social networking” apps.

“A few dumplings never killed anybody now, have they? I’ll have twelve.”

“They say that these apps make gay men more promiscuous. C’mon! There doesn’t need to be an app to make gay men more promiscuous. These aren’t gonna be the downfall of society and Gay culture. In any bar, Adam4Adam, Manhuntwhatever, there’s gonna be assholes. There’s assholes in any major city!” True.

So, which feelings taste the best?

“Depression always tastes the best!” Mark raves. “There’s nothing like going through a break-up and eating your way through a bucket of chicken. That’s what it’s there

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for! When you’re happy you wanna do your best. When the shit hits the fan ... Ooof!

I’ll get a bucket of chicken and a pint of Ben ‘n’ Jerry’s. That’ll always make me feel better.”

Mark still has his favorite vices— including cake.

“We can get into it if you wanna go ‘old school.’ Coke, booze, weed, cigarettes. Now I’ve cleaned up my act. But I really love fried chicken. I love it. I do,” he admits.

Mark goes on a national speaking tour for his new book. And there’s a whole country of Gay men out there.

“We’ve been to that rodeo before and let me tell you, Arkansas was very good to me. But I’m no longer single,” he laughed. “But I like that face-toface human contact. It’s better than tweeting or posting on Facebook.” You can meet Mark Brennan Rosenberg on Thursday, September 5 at 7 p.m. at Changing Hands Bookstore, 6428 S. McClintock Drive at the Tempe Square Shopping Center on Guadalupe Rd. and McClintock. He will read from his book and have a Q&A. And I bet they serve cake, too.

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RENT This musical juggernaut is a cheery, heartwarming retelling of Puccini’s opera, “La Bohême” a story about artists and musicians struggling to survive in 1989 New York City.

Like any opera, there’s bound to be Death. Who will it be? See this tragedy staged August 21-September 15 at Phoenix Theatre, 100 E. McDowell Rd. in Phoenix. Visit PhoenixTheatre.com or call 602-254-2151 for info and tix.

Hairspray Another vintage piece, this time set in the 1960s, examines the social upheaval of the times and civil rights—set in Baltimore, Maryland, this kooky, fun musical about the Turnblad family will keep you smiling for hours. Best of all, it stars Stephen Serna as Corny Collins! Where? At the Hale Centre Theatre, 50 W. Page Ave. in Gilbert. Go to HaleTheatreArizona.com or call 480-497-1181 for info and tickets.

AUGUST 2013 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE EVENT LOCATION 2-4 The Amazing Johnathan StandUp Live Phoenix 8-11 Mike Epps StandUp Live Phoenix 9-18 Push Theatre Works, Peoria 10-18 Kindom of Clouds Desert Stages Theatre, Scottsdale thru 18 Joseph & the Amazing ... AZ B’way Theatre 16-9/1 Grease Mesa Arts Center - Mesa thru 18 The Mousetrap Desert Stages Theatre - Scottsdale 21-9/15 Rent Phoenix Theatre 23-9/14 A Devil Inside Nearly Naked Theatre ‘23-25 Tom Cotter StandUp Live Phoenix thru 24 Hairspray Hale Theatre Center - Gilbert

PHONE 480-719-6100 480-719-6100 623-815-7930 480-483-1664 602-253-6701 480-644-6500 480-483-1664 602-254-2151 602-254-2151 480-719-6100 480-497-1181

Theatre News The venerable Phoenix Theatre inaugurates its new black box theatre this autumn.

This exciting, state-of-the-art space will serve young audiences as well as new works development programs. The Black Theatre Troupe’s season opens in September presenting “Wedding Band” in their new auditorium at 13th Street & Washington.

Get ready for Priscilla, Queen of the Desert” September 17-22 at ASU Gammage. Stray Cat Theatre opens their season with “Flick,” oddly enough a play about movies, opening September 20. Meow!

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BeDazzled at Zorf’s Celebrate six months of sparkling drag at BeDazzled on Saturday, August 3 at Zorfs! Can’t make it? That’s okay! You’ll find an amazing cast of queens on stage with the fabulous and talented hostess Miss Eryka Knowles each and every Saturday night at 9:30 p.m. 1028 E. Indian School Rd. Phone: 602-277-7729

AUGUST 2013 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE TIME LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S) Sun 11 10:00pm Karamba Thalia Tribute Tues. 20 Dick’s Cabaret Kiki Vermont Birthday Bash Fri 23 10:00pm The Rock Lady Christian’s Trailer Trash Revue Wed 14 10:00pm Karamba Adriana Galliano’s Neon Birthday Thurs 22 10:00pm Karamba ICON’s Tribute WEEKLY SHOWS Mondays 10:00am IBT’s Monday Morning Madness Mondays 10:00pm BS West Desiree & her Fantastic Four Mondays 6 & 9pm The Rock Movie Mashup with Victoria Bacon Mondays 10:00pm Charlie’s Barbra Seville w/ Strippers!

Mondays 10:00pm Apollo’s Naughty or Nice Bingo Tuesday 10:00pm Karamba Savannah Moussier’s Show Wednesdays 9:00pm IBT’s Viva La DIVA Wednesdays 10:30pm Karamba Girls of Karamba - Adriana Galiano, Karime Lizaldi, & Celeste Wednesdays 10:00pm Charlie’s Nevaeh TAKES OVER WEDNESDAYS Thursdays 10:00pm Amsterdam DRAG IS BACK! with Coco St. James & Celia Putty Thursdays 10:30pm Karamba Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds Fridays 9:00pm IBT’s Absolutely Flawless with China Collins Fridays 10:00pm Cruisin’ 7th The Barbra Seville Show Fridays 9:00pm BS West Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers Saturday All Night Amsterdam Dance Party with Pop Up Drag Saturdays 9:00pm IBT’s Starrletts with Janee Star Saturdays 10:30pm Cruisin’ 7th The Fabulous Mia Inez Adams Saturdays 10:00pm The Rock The Barbra Seville Show Saturdays 10:00pm icepics The Olivia Gardens Show / A Touch of Soul with Maraya Jordan Saturdays 9:30pm Charlie’s Pussy’s Patio Show Saturdays 9:30pm Zorf’s BeDazzled 1st & 3rd Sun. 12:30pm Cruisin’ 7th Sunday Morning Madness with Miss Celia Putty Sundays 8:30pm Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot & Friends Sundays 10:30pm Karamba Diamond’s Show

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Ind el ibl e

i k n m

Midnight Movie Queen Mink Stole comes to The Rock

by Deon Brown 34

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n 1972 midnight movie cult classic Pink Flamingos, sleazebag Connie Marble sizes up the world with her critique, “I guess there are two kinds of people; my kind of people and assholes.” No kidding.

Nancy Paine Stoll, a.k.a “Mink Stole” appears in all of producer/director/writer John Waters’ feature films. Peggy Gravel, Dottie Hinkel, Marge the Neuter, the wise Aunt Helen in the Eating Out series and more. They all have that touch of Mink. She never expected that she would be a cult movie star or a pop culture icon.

“I don’t live as a ‘pop culture icon.’ I live as a person. Today is laundry day which goes to show how much of an un-pop culture a life I live,” she laughs. “I have the right amount of fame. I get enough compliments and stroking that my ego is very well taken care of. When people speak to me on the street— which doesn’t happen every day— Nobody ever comes up to tell me they hate me.

They’re generally very complimentary. I don’t think anybody doesn’t like that.”

Most of John Waters’ Dreamland Studios stars like Divine, Edith Massey and others are in that Great Theatre in the Sky. “The only way to not get old is to die young; I didn’t do that and it’s too late, now,” Mink laughs. “I wasn’t an excessive abuser of liquor or drugs. I do smoke an occasional puff of pot, but only at home under very controlled circumstances. I took a lot [of drugs] back then, I took acid,

but I was never addicted to anything— cigarettes, but who wasn’t?”

Mink remembers the early, bizarre movies she made with Waters. “John Waters wrote me some very great dialogue. He was a total—but benign—dictator.

We weren’t in chains and shackles and starved. Well, we were sort of starved; we didn’t have food on the set until Polyester.”

Mink claims a devoted GLBT (and general misfit) following.

“They’ve been a big supporter of me. I’ve always cared about the rights of people who are different; the GLBT community doesn’t have a monopoly on being disliked. There’s plenty of people in the world who are not sexually different, but just different. Outsiders are outsiders, period. I’ve always had a soft spot for people who were unhappy or felt like they didn’t fit in. I didn’t fit in, either. I wasn’t a cheerleader. I wasn’t popular. Even being female in this country is dangerous sometimes.” This might be why she lists Female Trouble’s “Taffy Davenport” as her favorite role. “I related to Taffy. Most of the people I know were unhappy as kids. It took most of us a while to grow into our lives.”

Mink’s enthusiastic about her Gays. “Gay men make very good friends for women.

“JOYOUS, CROWD-PLEASING ENTERTAINMENT WITH EYE-POPPING VISUALS AND UNEXPECTED HEART!

FUNNY & FABULOUS!” - Hollywood Reporter

FEATURING THESE HIT SONGS! You truly do. You’re not competing for the same thing—at least you shouldn’t be. But not that all Gay men like women,” she observed.

Thoroughly modern Mink doesn’t live in the past. “People think that I sit at home and watch my old movies, by myself, in the dark, like Norma Desmond. I don’t.”

She started “Mink Stole & Her Wonderful Band” in 2009. Her new CD is called, “Do Re MiNK.” “I started singing in L.A. I thought, ‘This is something that I could really enjoy!’ It was really hard, being a front person for a band.” Her first gigs were at serious L.A. leather bars, like The Gauntlet and Faultine. “I learned a lot! I like songs that swing. I sing some rock. It’s very eclectic!

I’m performing when I’m at The Rock. I’m excited!”

“Mink Stole is a diva in the truest sense of the word. She is a master of her craft and a cult film legend!

The first time I worked with Mink she stole my heart,” said Pandora DeStrange.

“Finally” “We Belong” “Material Girl” “It’s Raining Men” “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” “I Say A Little Prayer”

TICKETS ON SALE NOW!

September 17-22 ASU Gammage Tickets at ASU Gammage & asugammage.com 800.982.ARTS (2787)

Get the Mink Stole Experience on Friday, August 30 at The Rock for “Actor’s Studio”-style Q & A at 10 p.m., music with Pandora and a meet & greet. A screening of “Female Trouble” will be Saturday, August 31 at Film Bar, 815 N. 2nd St.

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Groups 15+: 480.965.6678

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by Jackson David Kelly jacksonkelly@cox.net

Yo, DJ! What’s New? This August we’re celebrating independent music! Though mainstream albums will always dictate where and what we listen to, take a chance and impress your friends with these knockouts!

Tegan and Sara – Hearthrob

They’ve been making music since 1997.

Though they’ve always enjoyed the backseat of indie electro rock, this release is bigger, bolder, more polished and very radio friendly. The twins took a more active role in the songwriting while relinquishing studio control to prominent producers. The result of this current ode to the 80s will end up on many Top 10 lists of 2013. Lead single “Closer” is a bubblegum electro ditty that is very Icona Pop’s “I Love It.” Other standouts include “I’m Not Your Hero,” “Drove me Wild” and the melancholy “Love They Say.” GRADE: A

James Blake – Overgrown

On his sophomore album, Blake gets moody, introspective and experimental. To classify his music is difficult, but electronic soul with eerie falsetto vocals juxtaposed with bold lyrics comes closest. Though his music may never come to life on stage, with a good set of headphones this album takes the listener on a journey into deep reflection and amazement. Title track “Overgrown” is the perfect start to this album’s emotionally sullen feel while “Life Round Here” proves to be this sets happy and best single. Look for great support from “Retrograde” and “Digital Lion.”

GRADE: A August 2013

Foals – Holy Fire

Their third album steps it up and offers an album full of rhythm, hooks and harmonies all coalesced with Yannis’ caressing vocals. Direct from the UK, this band is an ode to David Byrne and the Talking Heads, but with a swagger that is more chic and a sound that is more current.

They’ve enjoyed moderate success overseas but have yet to break in the US. Lead single “My Number” has a classic indie rock feel and an instrumentation that is chirpy yet smart while “Bad Habit” continues this sets ingenuity and likeability. Look for additional backing from “Everytime” and “Out of the Woods.” GRADE: A Look for other new music this month from: Backstreet Boys, Robin Thicke, Franz Ferdinand, John Mayer, Blue October, Travis, Yellowcard and Ashanti.

In other music news, Cher is set to release new material in late September entitled “Closer to the Truth.”

She’s enlisting help from Mark Taylor, the man behind Believe, Paul Oakenfold and some songwriting from P!nk.

One thing’s for sure, you can bet the farewell tour of yesteryear will give way to a tour that will certainly be called rebirth. www.IONAZ.com 39

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DANCING WITH THE BARS

SEE MORE GREAT PICTURES AT IONAZ.COM

| #IONARIZONA ON INSTAGRAM

CALL ME TODAY FOR A FREE QUOTE! AUTO • HOME • LIFE • BUSINESS

I’M GONNA PUMP

YOU UP!

your insurance

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SHANE MILLER

602.753.3251

4020 N. 20th St • Ste 101 Phoenix, AZ 85016

Jonas Brothers Those poster boys for Nickelodeon are all grown up now, getting married, and even sporting facial hair now and then.

Their fans aren’t in middle school anymore, either. They’re hotter than ever now! Karmin opens for them, and you can see them on Friday, August 9 at the Comerica Theatre, 400 W. Washington St. in Phoenix. For tix visit LiveNation.com or call 602-379-2888. For the record, Joe Jonas is still the hot one.

Backstreet Boys Yep. They keep resurrecting those boy bands! They’re the best-selling boy band in history and are still “Larger than Life” since they started in 1993. On Thursday, September 5 they’ll be—where else?—where all the Boy Bands go: Comerica Theatre, 400 W. Washington St. in Phoenix.

For tickets visit LiveNation.com or call 602-379-2888. For the record, Kevin Richardson is still the hot one.

Melissa Etheridge Rock singer/songwriter, guitarist and activist. She can still rock out with her ... errr ... jam out with her clam out! Melissa proves that she’s still the only one when she comes to Tucson on Saturday, September 7.

She’ll rattle the walls of UofA’s Centennial Hall, 1020 E. University Blvd. in Tucson. Go through her window—or just get your ticket online at UApresents.org or call 520-621-5311. Melissa’s hot all by her own bad self.

AUGUST 2013 ION Concert Calendar DATE ARTIST LOCATION 3 KC & the Sunshine Band Desert Diamond Casino - Sahuarita 6 Whitesnake Casino del Sol - Tucson 7 Chris Isaak Fox Theatre - Tucson 7 Train Ak-Chin Casino Pavilion - Phoenix 7 Whitesnake Talking Stick Resort - Scottsdale 8 Matisyahu Mesa Amphitheatre - Mesa 9 Jonas Brothers Comerica Theatre - Phoenix 9 The Monkees Mesa Arts Center - Mesa 9 Charlie Daniels Band Talking Stick Resort - Scottsdale 10 Tim McGraw Salt River Fields - Scottsdale 10 Chicago Celebrity Theatre - Phoenix 13 Michael Bolton Celebrity Theatre - Phoenix 14 Willie Nelson Casino del Sol - Tucson 16 Daughtry & 3 Doors Down Comerica Theatre - Phoenix 18 Cold War Kids Rialto Theatre - Tucson 22 Barenaked Ladies Wild Horse Pass - Chandler 30 Lost 80s Wild Horse Pass - Chandler SEPTEMBER 5 Backstreet Boys Comerica Theatre - Phoenix 7 Melissa Etheridge Centennial Hall - Tucson

PHONE 800-745-3000 800-344-9435 520-547-3040 480-820-5000 800-745-3000 480-644-2560 602-379-2888 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 602-267-1600 602-267-1600 800-344-9435 602-379-2888 520-740-1000 800-840-0457 800-840-0457 602-379-2888 520-621-5311

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Please save the date and join us for

E Q U A L I T Y A R I Z O N A’ S

Celebrating the path to equality for all in our great state

Join us for a night of sparkling entertainment and unexpected highlights.

Keynote speaker, awardees and auction items to be announced soon!

For more information and to purchase tickets please visit www.equalityarizona.org

PROUDLY S P O N S O R E D BY T H E C I T Y O F PHOENIX

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Sponsorship opportunities are still available. Contact info@equalityarizona.org for more information . www.IONAZ.com August 2013

by Kimberly M. Ruff kimberlymruff@yahoo.com

Elysium Starring: Matt Damon, Jodie Foster, William Fichter, Sharlto Copley, Wagner Moura In his dystopian thriller, the gap between the “haves” and the “have nots” is literal: the wealthy 1% live on a space-station called “Elysium” while the remaining 99% are left to eke out an existence on the polluted, overpopulated Earth.

Though the Earthlings desperately wish to escape the overwhelming crime and poverty as well as receive the state-of-theart medical care, Elysium’s stringent anti-immigration policies prevent relocation. Max (Damon, The Bourne Trilogy), is one of the millions of Earthlings who want to relocate, but in order to make it to this idyllic space-station he must go head-to-head with Elysium’s Secretary Delacourt (Foster, Carnage) in a move that may not only save his life, but the lives of all the unfortunate remaining inhabitants on Earth. Release Date: August 9

Planes Starring (the voice talents of): Jon Cryer, Stacy Keach, Dane Cook, Carlos Alazraqui, Val Kilmer It’s about time Disney gave an anthropomorphic shout-out to the world of aviation! In the same vein as Cars comes Planes. Comedian Dane Cook (Waiting) lends his voice to Dusty Crophopper, a plane who must overcome

his fear of heights and overcompensate for his less-than-ideal design to realize his dreams of becoming a high-flying air racer. Taken under the literal wing of Skipper Riley (Keach, Titus), a seasoned aviator, he undergoes Karate Kidstyle training to take on his rival Ripslinger (Roger Craig Smith), the defending champion of the racing circuit into the wild blue yonder.

Teri Hatcher, Julia LouisDreyfus, and John Cleese costar. Release Date: August 9

Kick-Ass 2 Starring: Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Chloe Grace Moretz, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Jim Carrey Three years after the theatrical release of the comic-book-turned-film Kick Ass comes the sequel: Kick Ass 2. Picking up where the first movie left off, people like Colonel Stars and Stripes (Carrey) are inspired by the crime-fighting antics of the Kick Ass (TaylorJohnson), embarking on their own campaign to clean up the streets.

The Colonel forms a coalition, inviting Kick Ass to join. Meanwhile, Hit-Girl (Moretz) attempts to “retire” and finish up high school like a “normal girl,” but the sudden reappearance of Red Mist (Mintz-Plasse), who has since re-christened himself, “The Mother F@#$er,” might require her to come out of retirement and reunite with Kick Ass. Release Date: August 16 August 2013 www.IONAZ.com 45

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by Wes Bergman wesobergman@yahoo.com

Tales of the City - 20th Anniversary Starring: Laura Linney, Olympia Dukakis, Thomas Gibson Based on a series of eight novels by Armistead Maupin, first published as serials in the San Francisco Chronicle in 1978, Tales of the City was a television miniseries that first aired on PBS in 1994. Starring the ingenue Laura Linney (The Whale and the Squid) as Mary Ann Singleton, a naïve Ohioan who decides to move to San Francisco after visiting there. The entertaining, soapy miniseries chronicles the lives of the colorful (if motley) crew residing at 28 Barbary Lane, apartments owned by the eccentric, marijuana-growing Anna Madrigal (Dukakis, Moonstruck, Cloudburst).

Guileless Mary Ann is introduced to San Francisco by various quirky residents, lovers and friends, allowing Maupin to discuss then-important, timely themes.

Though relatively tame by today’s standards, Tales of the City was one of the highest rated shows that ever aired on PBS, due to the controversy surroundings its frank depiction of (gasp!) homosexuality, nudity and illicit drug use. Delicious, juicy entertainment about

everybody’s favorite city. 20th Anniversary edition now available from Acorn Media.

Joanna Lumley’s Nile Starring: Joanna Lumley Best known as monstrous fashionista Patsy Stone, Edina Monsoon’s best friend on the BBC farce, Absolutely Fabulous, Joanna Lumley is an English actress, model, voiceover artist, author, and now—we’ve come to learn—an eager traveler and aficionado of history. In this documentary, the velvetvoiced actress follows the longest river in the world from sea-to-source. The Nile runs from Lake Victoria in Ethiopia to the Mediterranean Sea, 4,130 miles away, serving as a major water source for 11 different countries in Africa.

The four-part features Lumley in Egypt with stops in Rwanda, Sudan and, of course, Ethiopia. Traveling the river by boat only would “take forever,” so Lumley travels by SUV, train, and cruise ship, too. Though it’s interesting to see the Nile from a traveler’s perspective, it is even more fascinating making the journey with the posh Lumley, the epitome of class and grace while glimmers of “Pats” emerge even without the Ivana Trump hairdo, when she calls a camel named Charlie Brown, “darling, sweetheart,” and observes, “A twig house ... I must try that in London.”

Available on DVD from Acorn Media, this is one of several armchair travel docs, so curl up with a bottle of Bolli, your favorite pill, a cigarette and check out Joanna Lumley’s Greek Odyssey and Joanna Lumley: The Search for Noah’s Ark, sweetie, darling.

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by Albert Rivas arivas3@gmail.com

G

ays love drama and that’s what we focus on this month. For eight seasons Showtime brought us “Dexter” which—in its own way— defined a serial killer in a serial “dramystery.”

Dexter Morgan (Michael C. Hall from the unforgettable “Six Feet Under”) becomes a psychopath after watching his mother get murdered when he was 3-years-old.

Dexter gets adopted by Miami police officer, Harry Morgan (James Remar), who sees that Dexter has an appetite to kill. He teaches Dexter “The Code of Harry:” Don’t get caught. Victims must be killers and they must show guilt.

Dexter becomes a (what else?) a blood analyst for the police department alongside his sister, Debra (Jennifer Carpenter), who’s engaged to Dexter’s biological father. That whole storyline was a mess.

Actually the whole series is a mess.

Think American Psycho, only no flashy dance moves. The best praise I can give the show is how they defined, “The wrong thing done for the right reason is still the wrong thing.”

An honorable mention goes to Julia Stiles for her recurring role in the fifth season (good for her by trying to have a career after Save the Last Dance) as Lumen Pierce. Played with the same “Dark Passenger” concept (the demon inside makes us do some terrible things) as Dexter, their superb chemistry together made him seem, well, normal.

Death, Drugs & Drama The epic conclusion for “Dexter” is September 22.

AMC brings back “Breaking Bad.” Walter White (Bryan Cranston, the dad from “Malcolm in the Middle”) is a high school chemistry teacher diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer. He has a pregnant wife and a disabled son to care for, so he’s doing everything he can to ensure his family’s financially security. Given a death sentence, he turns to making and selling meth with his former student, Jesse Pinkman (Aaron Paul). With the new power Walt achieves as a drug lord, his darker side emerges.

Walt inadvertently puts Jesse’s overdosed girlfriend, Jane (Krysten Ritter), on her back. She chokes on her vomit, dying next to Jesse. I know! That death is still one of the hardest things in the series that I’ve watched. This brought out Walt’s villain side full-blown. Walt and Jesse are butting heads (not a sexual innuendo) and eventually turn into targets from drug lords and government officials.

I wish there was a negative or drawback about this series because critics and audiences both enjoy it; but it’s very wellwritten, and watching the series, it relies on such a simple formula that works so well. They exclude the “over-the-topdrama” and keep it realistic, overdoses and all.

The final half of the final season begins August 11.

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Metropolis:

T

Around the World in 80 Plates

hose great minds—and combined skills—who brought Switch and FEZ to the Valley put their collective pots ‘n’ pans together (along with a kick-ass oven. More about that later) to bring another great restaurant to our growing metropolis of 4.3 million very hungry citizens called, appropriately enough, Metropolis.

Cozily nestled in the verdant courtyard of the glamtastic Scottsdale Optima, north of Scottsdale Fashion Square, you can march from Macy’s to Metropolis in just four minutes. The jewelbox of a bistro is hip, sunny, and features fab artwork by coowner Mark Howard’s life partner, Rocco Meneguale.

Metropolis co-owner and culinary expert Tom Jetland worked with Chef Jason Arms to create the menu and specials.

The comestibles focus on globally inspired cuisine with a variety of spices from around the world.

Cohesively and thoughtfully prepared, nearly everything is cooked in a spectacular Combi Oven, a unique and healthier approach to food preparation with versatility in convection baking, grilling, roasting and more. It’s amazing. Note that nothing is fried at Metropolis. Even their top-notch French fries are cooked in this oven.

Start you tastebud travels in the mystic Orient with the Met Lettuce Wraps (five for $10.95) Fill your romaine “cups” from the generous bowl of diced rosemary chicken, dried apple, strawberry and corn, shredded carrot, feta and almonds

with a huckleberry vinaigrette. Tender, moist and luscious, there’s no shortage of flavor.

Yum, yum! Gee, it’s fun! Bangin’ on a different drum! The Drum Tower Dumplings ($10.95) present six oh-so-ample, perfectly steamed shumai, amply stuffed with seasoned ground pork and shrimp, accompanied with a divine, citrusy, tangy ponzu sauce.

Navigate your palate toward the Mediterranean with one of their remarkable Pizzettes. The diminutive “-ette” at the end making their special flatbread pizza sound petite, tiny and delicate. Such is not the case. These lovely pies of flatbread are generously topped.

Meat mavens will adore the Prosciutto ($9.95) heaped with the mouthwatering Parma ham, arugula, goat cheese, tomato and mushroom.

The Huckleberry BBQ Chicken also has bacon,

a hint of cilantro, cheddar cheese and onion. The zesty, sweet ‘n’ tangy barbeque sauce is perfectly balanced and doesn’t overwhelm.

Traditionalists will appreciate the Margherita. Each one is accompanied by a generous, creative and perfectly paired salad.

Ten globe-trotting entrées, like a French Ham Crêpe, Kolkata Chicken Curry, and the comforting Americana Pot Pie with your pick of fillings are among your choices. don’t miss out on the Jade Honey Ginger Shrimp ($16.95) with honey and ginger seared shirmp over green garlic rice, sesame vegetables and toasted cashews with an amazing Asian Slaw.

The Arthur Avenue Pasta and Meatballs is exactly that: a large, steaming bowl of pasta, tomato cream sauce, parmesan, basil and housemade meatballs served with foccacia or $13.95. You’ll probably walk out with leftovers.

Need a small side? You’ll have 14 to choose from to complement your dinner.

You won’t want to miss out on the housemade desserts, either. Made daily, hope that the magnificent, all-American Banana Chocolate Bread Pudding is available when you dine at Metropolis.

Sated with samplings of cross-continental, worldwide cuisine, you’ll be ready to waddle back to the Mall. It just might take you eight minutes this time.

METROPOLIS

7137 E. Rancho Vista Dr. Suite B33, Scottsdale. 480-621-6339 MetropolisAZ.com

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a’s ul H

We can’t promise him.

But we can promise a hell of a Mai Tai.

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P

ets are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. Dogs, cats, and all creatures great and small are part of our hearts and our homes. ION Arizona readers joined their pals for our annual “Pets and the City.” We thank them and the many of whom contributed money for Joshua Tree Pet Assistance Project, helping those with medical issues care for their companion pet friends.

Dustin Marshall & Lili Dustin found love on Craig’s List ... with little Lili, a Yorkie-Toy Poodle, that is. She’s only 4-months-old and currently learning the ropes as a “therapy puppy.”

Lili puts in a full day’s work at Community Medical Clinic, where dad Dustin is a co-owner & Director of Operations.

Photography by Fernando Hernandez, Scotty Kirby, & Danny Catt | Text by Deon Brown Art by Angel Jimenez & Kevin Bushaw | Photographed at The Rock, Apollo’s Lounge & Monterey Court.

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Trenton Horne & David Ugorowski It was love at first sight when David and Trenton met Riker, a handsome German Shepherd. Beverly Crusher, a Great Dane, is only a puppy! When it’s play time, pillows, carpets, tables & chairs fly! David manages FEZ and has a big sweet tooth. Trenton spends his free time baking awesome desserts.

John Carlisle & Gus Gus is a thief! He stole John’s heart one year ago when they met. This foxy little Chihuahua-mix will steal anybody’s heart. And maybe a treat.

Kenny Caron, Roger Hoover with Zorf & Zule A little bit of everything! Zorf and Zule are a very special breed: Heinz 57. How many dogs do you know who get a bar named in their honor? Zorf’s is the new, dogfriendly bar in town.

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Nick Duckro & Nico Ooh là là! French Bulldog Nico has a certain savoir-faire. He loves to cuddle, but snores like an old man. Who wouldn’t want to cuddle with Nico and Nick— at the same time?

Dylan Bazan & Roscoe “To err is human. To purr is feline.”

Roscoe, a grey tabby rescue, is 12-years-old. He’s sweet and will not be ignored. Roscoe “talks” and demands that you to talk to him.

Justin Owen & Johnathan Tom Snazzy Oliver the Chihuahua loves watching dolphins on TV. Sparks, a Golden Retriever rescue, is 7-years-old.She loves all puppies, holding them close to her.

Justin is the Executive Director for Phoenix Pride. His partner Johnathan studies Nursing at NAU.

Jeffrey Smit & Liza “Life is a cabaret, old chum!” It’s Liza with a Z! Jeffrey, a Man of Charlie’s, named his pup Liza because of her big black eyes ten years ago when he adopted her. “Start spreadin’ the news!”

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Sean Kirk & Kellogg A former athlete, Kellogg is a retired Greyhound. Sean adopted him from a rescue adopt-a-thon ten years ago. Although Kellogg may not win any more races, he won the best prize ever: a great home! Sean says he still wins a few treats now and then, though.

Will Bejerke & Rorie Lend an ear! Rorie is a very vocal Bassett Hound with a set of lungs on him. He’s a great conversationalist for Will.

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Jeremy Schachter, Nick Speliopoulos with Gracie & Leo Gracie, age 5 is a Boston terrier and Leo, 2 is a French Bulldog/Boston Terrier. They love dinner parties, entertaining and traveling to Playa del Carmen, Mexico. They let Jeremy, a mortgage advisor and Nick, a Director of Operations in higher education, tag along.

Jeremy Heath, David Dotson & Sarah-Jane Little Sarah-Jane was dodging traffic when Jeremy and David left Pride. Scared and lost, the boys fell in love and took her in when they couldn’t find an owner. Jeremy works for CBS-5 KPHO. David is a graduate student of biophysics.

Jared West, Kyle Greene & Molly Molly, originally from Cape Cod, Massachusetts, is a long-hair Chihuahua. A stage actress from a Boston production of “Gypsy!” she’s since retired and is working as a wedding planner for her two dads.

James Marinaro & Princess Princess is a rescue Chihuahua-PugDachshund. A Chugshund! She’s sweet and loves a stylish dress. James is a Cheer and Pom coach and dance teacher.

Rah, rah, rah!

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Nick Capaz, Dean McAdams & Family It’s Dr. Dolittle’s menagerie! Dorin, the Black Labrador Retriever, Donovan, the chocolate Chihuahua, Prissy Ann, the black Chihuahua, Diablo, a black & white Chichuahua and Turtle, the Desert Tortoise (young at age 13) all call it “home.”

José Villareal & Jak Jak is Great Dane trapped in a little Pug. He loves to cuddle with José, and snores when he sleeps.

Tim Lott, Antonio Martinez & Rupert A little snuggling, getting scratched between the ears and his favorite toy, Mr. Quacks makes Rupert, a rescue dog from a shelter, one happy puppy. He’s a purebred Terrier Mix.

Trevor Howard with Zowie & Tobie The luckiest pooches are the pups who are rescues. Trevor saved the day when he rescued Zowie, a lively 4-year-old Jack Russell Terrier and Tobie, a Chihuahua and just a baby at only 1-year-old.

Robert Maynard, Coco St. James & Velcro Alan Cooley, Joey Sarandos & Jake The rambunctious Jake, a 1-year-old Standard Poodle with naturally curly auburn hair lives the high life with Alan and Joey.

After two hip replacements because of a car accident, Robert and Coco adopted Velcro, a Bichon Frise, from the Scottsdale Pet Hotel. Now they’re “stuck” with him!

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James Judge, Andy Albrecht & Toby Spirited, independent, bold and loyal.

That describes James, Andy and their lovable Shina Inu, Toby. They are known for their high, banshee scream.

Shiba Inus—not Andy and James.

But they all require a lot of grooming, of course.

Peter Culbertson & Company Daisy is a Teacup Chihuahua with hypoglycemia. India is a Neapolitan Mastiff rescue, needing a torn ACL repair. Rufus, a Golden Retriever/Pit Bull-mix had parvo and was rescued. Xander, who was rescued at 6-weeks-old, had pneumonia and parvo, is now 10-years-old. Bam-Bam is a ShihTzu rescue; she had an imbedded collar in her neck as a pup. Peter has six big dogs who donate blood to save ailing dogs’ lives. Peter is a vet tech at Alta Vista Animal Hospital and a dog saint.

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Mark Romanoski & Homer “Mmmm! Milkbones!” The lovable, yellow Simpson dad is Homer’s namesake—not the Greek poet, surprisingly. Mark rescued Homer, the Jack Russell Terrier from Athem College’s Veterinarian Technician’s Program. Mark is a vet tech at Banfield Animal Hospital. A very handsome vet tech.

Stacy Louis and Sheila Sheila, the lovely Shepherd shares the same birthday with Stacy. Just the date. Not the same year.

She highly recommends Stacy’s @ Melrose to satisfy all of your adult beverage needs.

Benji Fleenor with Renton & Holland The Tuxedo cat is Renton Adroc Thurston and the Siamese is Holland Novak, to be precise. “They’re not temperamental cats; they like laser pointers and shiny objects— just like me!” says Benji.

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Max Bourne, Luke Blaine with Shelly & Poorlando Max and Luke said these astonishing turtles not only enjoy living in sewers and fighting crime, they also love bedtime stories—normally about other turtles. Luke, one of ION’s “Sexiest Bartenders” works at FEZ. You can find equally sexy Max at Hula’s.

Chrissy Ambrosio, Liz Calabria, Liana Alexander & George Michael It’s takes a village—or at least three gals!

George Michael is a Shih-Tzu/Toy Cocker Spaniel mix. When mom Chrissy went to nursing school, her besties helped raise the pup. The mommy trio work at Switch Restaurant & Wine Bar. 64

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Marcus, Kenneth Anthony with Jack & Belle

It’s a dog’s life! Marcus and Kenneth make sure that it’s a great life for their pups, Jack the Terrier and Belle, the Chihuahua.

Michael Meilleur, Randall Chandler with Loco & Daemon Loco is a classic masked sable ferret—he’s a rebel like Randall and acts like a punk. Lovable Daemon is pure albino who enjoys romping in the grass and wrestling. Michael and Randall have a total of five ferrets.

Lloyd Mays, Jamie HendersonMays, Storm & Nomar

Sierra Judd & Pup Storm is a Seeing Eye Foundation drop-out while Nomar is a rescue from Sun City. But these boys are Lloyd and Jamie’s very special “Tater & Spuds.”

Our pet friends depend on us to help them when they can’t help themselves. Sierra saved sweet, little Pup from being used as a bait dog. Now that’s a miracle!

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Rich Brennan, Chris Davis & their Pack Thorn, a Chow/Lab mix, Onyx, a Black Lab, Tinkles, a Pit Bull mix, and Brodi, a Red Nose Pit Bull, live a dog’s life with Rich & Chris in the Old Pueblo.

Paul Miller & Alice It’s Alice in Wonderland! Actually, this sweet, blue-nose Pit Bull mix is a very lucky rescue who lives in Tucson with her pal, Paul.

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Sierra Ann Mahar & Pepper Need a little extra spice? Pepper keeps things hot, hot, hot! She’s a Boxer—just like her mother. These two give Tucson a little extra “kick!”

Cory Kuehn, Rainier Diaz & Rocco Rocco is a 1-year-old Virgo puppy, rescued from a Tucson shelter. He’s fixated with his orange ball. Any time is cuddle time for Rocco with Cory, May 2013 ION cover model, and Ranier. Can you blame him?

Sam Robles & Ghram The very protective Ghram, a German Shepherd, is Sam Robles’ body guard and best friend. Tucson is their home.

Brian Byrd, David Alday with Apollo & Precious Apollo, a foundling, is a Lab/Pit Bull mix.

He’s spoiled, spending lazy days in Tucson, chasing a ball or sneaking in a nap on the bed. Precious, a Miniature Pinscher, is small but mighty. She takes her role as guard dog very seriously.

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Jimmie Galvin & Bristol Bristol is a 4-year-old Black Labrador Retriever; her doggy dad was a blockhead named “Elvis.”

She even has her own Facebook page. “She’s 84 pounds and worth her weight in gold—at $1,344 an ounce, you do the math,” says Jimmie, a bartender at Bar1.

Kenneth Klinedinst with Dude & Rockstar Yo, Dude! He’s a rescue Dingo/ Australian Cattle Dog mix. Rockstar is a 9-year-old Pomeranian-Yorkshire Terrier and some other kind of terrier mix.

Kim Hill, Patsy & Edina “Sweetie, darling!” These little 5 and 6-year-old Pomeranian and Poodle mischief-making divas came from unplanned litters. Kim thinks they’re absolutely fabulous, of course!

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Kyle Ward & Prada Prada, a fancy miniature Pincher is a lover from her nubby tail to the tip of her oversized ears. She loves to spend time cuddled up next to Kyle when he’s not tending bar at Apollo’s.

Veronica Harner, Wesley & Rook Sultry and vivacious, Veronica is burlesque vixen “Robin Harts” and performs with Valley drag kings. Her once-aggressive Chihuahua mix Wesley, a rescue, was successfully rehabilited. Rook, a terrier mix, was recently adopted from Ohana Animal Rescue.

Johnny Silva & Franklin Boston Terriers are known as “The American Gentleman.” Franklin has unique brindle markings; he’s named after American Founding Father, Benjamin. Jonny, a bartender at TICOZ and Kobalt says, “He’s just like me! Full of energy one minute and sleeping all the next day!”

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Chris Luttrell, Mike Freeman with Twinkie, Pegy, Flash & Spark Plug Twinkie was a winning Greyhound at the track where she got lots of Twinkies for a reward. Pegy, a German Shepherd was rescued at the Humane Society. Flash the Bassett Hound is truly peppy! Spark Plug, the fawn-colored Greyhound was once very timid, but now he’s a lover!

Manny Soto, David Griego & company Lucky Beagles find a foster home with Manny and David, who teamed up with Arizona Beagle Rescue.

Cha-Cha the Chihuahua, Chelsea, Charlie and Paddy—all Beagles are part of the happy family.

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Jason Carlton, Shane Martos & Radar This poochie is a rescue and a puppy who loves cuddling more than anything else.

Except for treats and Cher. But doesn’t everyone love treats and Cher?

Mike Chesworth & Angel All Angel needs is a teeny, tiny pair of wings and a teeny, tiny halo. She’s a Bichon Frise.

Mike is a videographer of major events across town and around the world.

August LaBrec, Victor D’Vita & Gabriel A genuine “guardian angel,” August believes that his tender hearted Black Labrador Retriever Gabriel gave him a new leash on life. That’s one lucky man!

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You can buy a dog, but not the wag of his tail.

Freddy and Carrie have “matching� dogs with their brindle markings.

Even on their wagging tails.

Freddy Prinze Charming, Carrie Wilkes with Dragon & Joey

Loving sisters Macha and Marley are mixed Pomeranian/terriers. Although Marley has a beard, she is not a boy! Sydney, a beautiful Sheltie Collie often gets mistaken for the famous silver screen legend, Lassie.

Ron Staugaard and Greg Crowe with Macha, Marley & Sydney

august 2013

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Ron Casola & his mini Dachshund, Star, both love Karaoke! StargaYzer is proud to be a service dog and the mascot of Voices of the Desert.

Ron Casola & Stargayzer

. y h t l a e Be H Stay Sexy.

• Same day appointments available • Testosterone Assessment • STD Testing/Treatment • Primary Care

WWW.PHXCMC.COM •

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602.633.6314 • 3201 N 3RD ST, PHOENIX, AZ 85012

www.IONAZ.com August 2013

People often

have more in common with their pets and the Animal Kingdom than they think they do. Below is a very technical and highly scientific test created by a panel of highly skilled, professional veterinarians and laboratory scientists who know about shit because they’re really smart.

If your name is: Spike, Butch, Tuffy or Knuckles, you are probably a a) Pit Bull b) Staffordshire Bull Terrier c) Rottweiler d) Drag King If you slobber a lot you are most likely a) an English Bulldog b) a Saint Bernard c) a Bullmastiff d) someone who likes strippers You are either a stripper or a dog if your name is a) Taffy b) Blade c) Sweet Thang d) really Mark but you call yourself Michelangelo e) really Lisa but you call yourself Sephora

If you require a lot grooming, you are a a) Persian cat b) Lhasa Apso c) Skye Terrier d) typical Gay guy e) drag queen If you are prone to “excitement urination” you are a) a Miniature Poodle b) a Dachshund c) an old lady d) someone’s Slave Boy If your nose is wet, your tongue is rough and you’re coughing up hair balls you are a) a cat b) a Lesbian If somebody says, “Ick!” they are referring to a) that person who just walked in b) their last date c) a common disease of freshwater fish d) that hideous outfit you’re wearing from Last Chance If you can lick your own balls you are a) a Shar Pei b) a Newfoundland c) a Labrador Retriever d) very happy, very lucky and there are several movie studios who would like to film this.

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GAME SHOW NIGHT

SHERATON HOTEL DOWNTOWN PHOENIX SEE MORE GREAT PICTURES AT IONAZ.COM | HOTEL CONGRESS, TUCSON

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RESURRECTION

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NEW MOON

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Vol. 7, Issue 7

August 2013

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

Royal Infant Prince George Caught in Sex OUTRAGEOUS! Scandal LONDON— Just scant days after the birth of George Alexander Louis, Prince of Cambridge and future King of England, a royal sex scandal erupted.

West Berkshire while visiting the Princess’s parents, the Middleton’s, was a disaster.

“I say, old chap,” said one local.

“The young prince certainly takes after ‘is uncle, Prince ‘Arry! The “The newborn bounder’s been prince has showin’ off ‘is been seen Crown Jewels exposing every time ‘e ‘as his royal a chance to pull ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL naughty bits off ‘is nappy! to practically I was shocked! everyone in the palace!” revealed one Shocked, shocked, shocked!” anonymous royal insider. “Every nanny and nursemaid at Kensington and Buckingham Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II scheduled Palace or their home in Anglesey, Wales has a royal lecture for the youngest heir to the been subjected to his royal weenie wagging! Throne of England about his flagrant and We are shocked! Shocked, shocked, indecent exposure at Buckingham Palace. shocked!”

OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS! A brief visit to the village Bucklebury in

“We are shocked!” reported Her Majesty.

“Shocked, shocked, shocked!”

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OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Zimbabwe’s Prez Promises Fab Gay Head Museum museum’s curator.

HARARE, “Gay heads are Zimbabwe— more attractive Incumbent than Straight dictator and heads.” president Robert Mugabe of the The collection of landlocked decapitated heads African nation of homosexuals is running again will be used for the office to inaugurate he’s held for the the Zimbabwe past RESEMBLANCE 34 years ANY TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL Museum of Gay Heads. An attractive gallery promising to chop of the heads of the country’s ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTHfeaturing IS TRAGICALLY an assortment ofACCIDENTAL handsome Gay homosexual population. heads will be on display, ranking right up their with the Uffizi Gallery, the Louvre, and the The despot claims, “They’re worse than pigs, goats and birds.” Apparently pigs, goats and birds Rijksmueum. No mention of what Mugabe has planned for Lesbians, but it won’t be pretty. are a big problem in Zimbabwe. And we thought that we had it bad with feral cats, cockroaches The Zimbabwer Gay Head Museum will also and congressmen here in the U.S. have a gift shop with a variety of souvenir heads to choose from to take home and a café “We intend on making this the premier museum for visitors. of Gay heads in the world,” said the future

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

August 2013 www.IONAZ.com 89

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by Addison DeWitt

bottom boys out there.

Let me know if you hit the jackpot!

Ring, ring ...

“Hello?”

“Guess where I’m going?”

“Where?”

“Bangkok, Thailand!”

“Oh. Why? Dinner?”

“Why the hell do you think I’m going? For a sex change, you idiot!”

Yep! The fabulous Mandi BoomBoom certainly Thai’d one on after one night in Bangkok!

She came back minus a couple of ribs, but with a shiny, brand-new Park Avenue pussy! And to think all I would’ve gone for was a bowl of Tom Yum Gai soup and a knock-off Louis Vuitton wallet. Congratulations, Mandi!

Speaking of genitalia ... What gargantuan, porn star-sized penises are attached to two popular local bar owners? I saw one with my very own eyes in the restroom one night when I casually asked, “What time is it?” (one of my clever tricks for a free show) and boy! Did I get an eyeful! (When attempting this on your own, make sure you stand on whichever side they wear their wristwatch. Works like a charm.) The other beefy McManstick was a picture on a smartphone. Think of this as an X-rated scavenger hunt! Good luck to all you

Back to more sanitized news ... a big congratulations goes out to the fabulous Katy June and her dance instructor Shawn Nerdahl (pictured top), winners of this year’s “Dancing with the Bars: All Star Edition™” presented

by SWAY Events. Look for the home version of this game from Milton Bradley.

From the “Crime Doesn’t Pay” Files ... Those brave boys out east at the Chandler Police Department arrested two miscreants who stole a colorful (and deliciously suggestive) campaign sign for City Council candidate for District 4, Austin Head, along with other selectively purloined goods from the same district. At least it’s good to know that even criminals can’t resist Head, I guess. Either that or they have ADD and can’t resist anything bright and shiny, like the jewel-like heart. I present a picture of the sign as evidence in “Exhibit A.” Good luck, Austin!

Remember, everybody: Early ballots go out August 1st.

But if you go to the polls on Election Day, Tuesday, August 27, you’ll get one of those snappy little patriotic stickers from the Arizona Realtor’s Association that the senior citizens hand out.

I like the sticker, myself. Vote early, and vote often!

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Neptune at Opposition on August 27

brings the distant planet closer than ever.

For you this means a far away someone comes to your front door. Is it as interesting as you thought? The Red Moon on the 21st arouses passion. Give in!

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

Break a bad habit that’s plaguing you. This addiction might be a person. Withdrawals make you bitchy and a pain in the ass, but you’re not exactly Little Mary Sunshine in the first place. It’s worth it in the long run.

Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20

A voice from your past enters your life.

Again. It might whisper sweet nothings in your ear or it might scream. It might rupture your eardrum. It depends on how you left things since you parted. Bring earplugs just in case.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Your naturally vivacious nature and flair for the dramatic attracts others like moths to a flame. You can be pretty flaming, that’s for sure. Make sure that your theatrics don’t intimidate a budding star who admires your talent.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

You meet challenges at work, home, school, in traffic and even the supermarket this month. You’re like a superhero in your ability to confront them, but even superheroes have to put the smackdown on assholes.

Just don’t wear a cape.

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22

The summer heat makes you extra feisty.

When was the last time you were called “feisty?” This burst of energy has you taking on a new project or a relationship. Birthday Leos will enjoy Love in the Great Outdoors.

You might become a nymphomaniac.

Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22

So many questions. So many answers.

Your inquisitive mind stirs up a hornet’s nest

when you investigate the “why?” at home, work and among friends. A little chaos on your birthday makes it one to remember.

Expect “Facebook Fallout” afterward.

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22

You’re tied up in knots. The finale of a dramatic situation will unravel for you.

The French call this the “dénouement” or the “un-knotting,” just like in a mystery.

Whodunit? The butler? It was probably mom. Ask her.

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23

Your ability to cut to the meat of the matter keeps friends, family and co-workers on their toes because you tell it like it is. Your critiques are spot on, but you might water them down or you’ll make somebody mad.

Real mad.

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23

It’s time for you to ‘fess up. You’re not necessarily guilty, but nobody will know that you’re really the hero unless you set the record straight. So what do you want to be?

The good guy or the schmuck? Exactly.

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20 You feel stuck in a rut. Who’s fault is that?

Your conservative approach to things boxes you in. Surprise yourself and others; do something spontaneous. It will set you free and give everybody something to talk about. They will anyway.

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

You’re young and restless, even bold and beautiful. Everything’s a melodramatic soap opera for you early in the month.

Storm off the set in a huff, renegotiate your metaphoric contract and do a romantic comedy. You need to get laid. Not just metaphorically.

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

There’ ain’t no mountain high enough. Ain’t no valley low enough. Ain’t no river wide enough. You’re feeling a little bit like Diana Ross. All you need is a giant fan to blow your hair back. You’re a fabulous diva!

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