ION Arizona Pets & People Issue

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ANNIVERSArY WEEKEND

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PHOTOS at www.IONAZ.com

icepics videobar

MUSTACHE RIDE

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THE RITUAL PARTY

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CLUB 24

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W hat better way to celebrate one of

Dog Days of Summer

the hottest months than by honoring our cool, furry (and a few feathered!) friends. This is ION Arizona’s fourth annual edition of “Pets in the City.”

It’s easily one of our most popular issues of the year and features dual covers by Don Thompson.

Thanks to everybody who contacted us to be featured. If you couldn’t make it, there’s always next year!

There are many ways you can help and support our pet friends: Switch & Arizona Animal Welfare League Switch Restaurant is donating a portion of their profits to Arizona Animal Welfare League now through December 30.

Complete a successful adoption through AAWL and Switch will reward you with a $50 gift certificate! Ask AAWL for the qualifying paperwork.

Friends Furrever The Joshua Tree program has introduced an affordable way for people living with HIV/AIDS to adopt a pet at a discounted price. Check out their website at FriendsFurrever.org. Joshua Tree also

sponsors a Pet Assistance Project; this provides a way for their struggling clients to keep their loyal pet friends fed and happy, too. If you need help, or know somebody who needs help, or want to donate, you’ll make someone and their fur-friends very happy—and fill their bellies, too.

Paws for the Cause You can help raise money for Aunt Rita’s AIDS Walk 2012 by walking and raising money with your dog at this year’s AIDS Walk (see the “Paws for the Cause” ad on page 66) or visit AIDSwalkPhoenix.org So before you plan your month, snuggle up to this great issue of ION Arizona honoring our loyal companions—and their sexy humans, too. Also, check out the great Party Cams, features about musician Jay Brannan, the web series Where the Bears Are and our new improved Bars Specials and Bar Map. Remember, you can always get this and past issues of ION Arizona at IONAZ.com and on every smart phone, tablet and computer as well as 150 locations throughout the state.

Thank you for supporting ION, your community and our (many times!) fourlegged and a few fine-feathered friends.

We hope to see you out and about this month.

Jack Tesorero Publisher

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DRAGALICIOUS 3819 North 3rd Street Suite 26, Phoenix, AZ 85012

(602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com

ionarizona@me.com

Publisher / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero .............................. jacktesorero@me.com

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ........................................ kbushaw@me.com Editor Deon Brown ....................................... ionazeditor@me.com PRODUCTION ASSISTANT Tom King ............................................ ionarizona@me.com PRODUCTION & Artwork SUBMISSIONS ionazproduction@me.com Advertising Sales Jack Tesorero ............................................... (602) 750-1164 Danny Catt, Regional Sales Director ............ (520) 429-5905 ionazsales@me.com ADVERTISING CONSULTANT Bill Knoop ..................................................... (602) 301-8457

JACKIE & OLIVE SHOW

Photographers:

Fernando Hernandez Jerry O’Conner Don Thompson Danny Catt Cover photos by Don Thompson National Advertising Representative Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 ContributORS:

Wes Bergman Addison DeWitt Jackson David Kelly C. Edwards

Ted Kirby Kim Ruff Joey Sarandos Paul Sanchez

Published monthly by

1995-2012: 17 Years of Design and Creative Excellence

© 2012 JMT Designs, Inc.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation.

Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.

NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company.

Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

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The Anvil Bar

Explore the steamy side of nightlife in the only Levi and Leather bar in Phoenix: The Anvil. Saturday, August 4 - Sexy Uniform Contest. Saturday, August 11 - AML Club Night Blackout. Saturday, August 18 - The Full Moon Party. Saturday, August 25 Phx. Boys of Leather Gear Night. Do it. You know you wanna. See ad on p. 12

Customer Appreciation at OZ “Ha ha ha! Ho ho ho! And a couple of tra-la-la’s! That’s how we drink the day away in the merry old Bar called OZ!” It’s Customer Appreciation Month, Dorothy! For the entire month of August every beer, every cocktail—everything!—is Two-forOne! All day long, all night long, all month long! Darts, pool, popcorn, and wi-fi are always free! Forget Kansas! Let’s go to OZ Bar! 1804 W. Bethany Home Rd. Phone: 602-242-5114 OZbarPHX.com See ad on p. 3

Dick’s 5th Anniversary It’s a party! The best part is when the naked boy jumps out of the cake! And if you like naked dancing boys, you’ll love Dick’s Cabaret, the only All-Nude Men’s Strip Club in town for the sophisticated, discriminating gentleman. Join in the birthday festivities on Friday & Saturday, August 17 & 18 and help them blow! Blow out the candles, that is! Enjoy $2 Lap Dances along with tons of prizes and giveaways! 3432 E. Illini St. in Phoenix. Ph: 602-274-DICK or visit DicksCabaret.com See ad on p. 86

Strike for the Queer Do you have 15 pound balls? Then how do you walk!? Get your mind out of the gutter—and your bowling ball, too! Now you can “Strike for the Queer” on Saturday, August 25, 7p.m.-midnight and win prizes, raffles and awards for the Best Dressed Teams.

Cocktails available, 21+, please. Proceeds benefit 1n10. AMF Squaw Peak Lanes, 3049 E. Indian School Rd. For info call 602663-4616 o contact Mirage Entertainment at Mirage21RH@Yahoo.com or call 602-663-4616 18

www.IONAZ.com August 2012

Carnaval Latino It’s time for another Carnaval Latino at Karamba Nightclub! And that can only mean one thing—it’s a BiLatinMen.com fiesta, papis! And this time they’ve GONE WILD! Come for the meet ‘n’ greet and stick around for the special surprise show at midnight with BiLatinMen.com giveaways! Sunday, September 2 with After Hours ‘til 4 a.m.! 1724 E. McDowell Rd. Phone: 602-254-0231 See ads pp. 4 & 5

Las Vegas Pride Viva, Las Vegas, Mary! So save your pennies (so you can gamble later) and celebrate Pride with our neighbors in fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada! Enjoy their parade on September 7 and join in the fun at the Festival on September 8. We’re betting it’s a big win! For more info visit LasVegasPride.org See ad on p. 50

AUGUST 2012 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE EVENT

LOCATION CITY

Thurs.

Boys of BS West BS West All Month 2-4-1 OZ 4 Sexy Uniform Contest Anvil 5 Trojans World Series Sendoff Charlie’s 9 Xtreme Male Int’l.

The Rock 9 Men of Strut icepics videobar 11 AML Club Blackout Anvil 14 Bearracuda The Rock 16 Xtreme Male Revue BS West 17 80’s vs. 90’s Dance Party Apollo’s Lounge 17 & 18 5th Anniversary Party Dick’s Cabaret 17 Martinez Entertainment Karamba 18 Full Moon Contest Anvil 21 Mustache Ride icepics videobar 24 Music Mashup 70’s 80’s 90’s 00’s Apollo’s 25 Hell Freezes Over Party Charlie’s 25 PBOL Gear Night Anvil 26 Men of Strut icepics videobar 30 Gloria Estefan Night Karamba SEPTEMBER 1-3 Labor Day Weekend Parties Charlie’s 2 Carnaval Latino Karamba Phoenix 7 Las Vegas Pride

Scottsdale Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Scottsdale Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Las Vegas

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The Arizona Gay Rodeo Association is looking for a poster to promote their next Rodeo on February 15-17, 2013 at the Corona Ranch Rodeo Grounds.

For details, visit IONAZ.COM or contact Vanessa Jiminez vanityfatale2011@yahoo.com Entries must be recieved by 5:00pm on Friday, September 7th, 2012.

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DRAG WARS!

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KARAOKe

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BAR 1, PHOENIX

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Lost Eighties Tour Ah, if only we could revisit those madcap, carefree, New Wave days of the 80s and relive all the fabulous music! Well, guess what?

You can! Catch The Escape Club, Gene Loves Jezebel, Animotion, Naked Eyes, The Motels, When In Rome and the entire Flock of Seagulls on Saturday, August 18 at the AVA Amphitheater at the Casino del Sol in Tucson! 5655 E. Valencia Rd. Call 800344-9435 for tix or visit CasinoDelSol.com

Patti Labelle The original, fabulous “Lady Marmalade” diva brings her own brand of R&B, jazzy hey-sistah, soul-sistah gitchy-gitchy, ya ya, da da to the Talking Stick Resort on Saturday, August 18. So hustle over to catch her “New Attitude!” 9800 E. Indian Bend Rd. For tix call 800-745-3000 or visit TicketMaster.com

IDentity Festival Get lost in the music and the magic of some of the most amazing Electro-House and Dance Music singers, DJs and producers, like Rye Rye, Showtek, Adrian Lux, Eric Prydz, Eva Simons, Estonian dance-pop oddity Kerli, Nero and, of course, the legendary talent of Paul Van Dyk. It all happens at the IDentity Festival, Sunday, August 19 at the Ashley HomeStore Pavilion, 2121 N. 83rd Avenue. For tix call 800745-3000 or visit TicketMaster.com

AUGUST 2012 ION Concert Calendar DATE 5 6 7 9 10 11 10 12 17 18 18 19 24 25 29

ARTIST LOCATION ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic Comerica Theatre Iron Maiden Ashley HomeStore Pavilion Nicki Minaj Comerica Theatre All Amercian Rejects Casino del Sol - Tucson Jay Brannan Hard Rock Café Jay Brannan Club Congress - Tucson KISS & Motley Crue Ashley HomeStore Pavilion Duran Duran Casino del Sol - Tucson George Clinton Casino del Sol - Tucson Lost Eighties Tour Casino del Sol - Tucson Patti Labelle Talking Stick Resort IDentity Festival Ashley HomeStore Pavilion David Cassidy Talking Stick Resort Big Bad VooDoo Daddy Talking Stick Resort Neil Diamond US Airways Center

PHONE 602-379-2888 800-745-3000 602-379-2888 800-344-9435 877-4-FLY-TIX 877-4-FLY-TIX 800-745-3000 800-344-9435 800-344-9435 800-344-9435 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 800-745-3000

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DANCING WITH THE BARS

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RENAISSANCE

PHOTOS at www.IONAZ.com

P(R)ETTY THEFT

Jay Brannan

by Ted Kirby 30 Deon www.IONAZ.com by Brown

August 2012

Y ouTube sensation, actor, and musical non-conformist Jay Brannan,

30, is coming to Phoenix and Tucson this month to perform and promote his new album Rob Me Blind. ION Arizona spoke to Jay about his songwriting motivation, his fans, his new album, and how YouTube dramatically changed his career.

ION: You’ve faced many hardships: Growing up as a Gay male in a Southern Baptist family, being young and living on your own, reaching to music as your “saving grace” to combat alcohol addiction at age 20, as well as failed attempts at romance. How have these adversities inspired the stories you share through your songwriting?

Jay Brannan: The painful or challenging experiences in life are the only ones I want to write about. I do what I do almost as a coping mechanism for life—I’m able to take these thoughts and experiences that race around inside my head and get them out in the form of songs. It’s pain, frustration, anger, fear, loneliness—those are the things that drive me to write, and that’s the sort of thing that I find interesting, both as a creative person and as an audience member.

ION: When you first arrived on the music scene, you really became one

of those “YouTube sensations.” How has this kind of exposure helped drive your career as a universal artist?

JB: Honestly, without the internet, there’s no chance in hell I ever would have been able to make a living from music. I entered the YouTube world right when YouTube was at its prime—I saw other people using YouTube as a way of getting their material out to an audience, free of marketing or promotion expenses, costly equipment, or the political and financial influence of major labels and other big players.

One of my videos was featured on the homepage; at that time YouTube didn’t customize content for each user, so whoever was featured was seen by every single person who came to YouTube.com. When I was featured, I probably had 2,000 emails from strangers within an hour.

ION: Your catchy and diverse musicality, thought-provoking lyrics, and smooth vocals have resonated with fans and critics. Your online musical biography states that you have built a fan-base as a “shockingly dedicated following in a very non-traditional way.” Explain what this means.

JB: I haven’t taken a traditional path in the entertainment industry. I was also August 2012 www.IONAZ.com 31

JB: I can’t say I’ve done a great job of that—yet! (Laughs) I’ve focused much more on music because I can spearhead my own projects. It’s easier to make music on my own than it is to make a movie or a TV show on my own. In acting, you generally have to get hired by a lot of people, and be available at a moment’s notice.

In music, everything has to be planned months in advance and I’m constantly traveling. So it’s very difficult to pursue both, but I hope to do more acting.

ION: What are the motivational factors that assisted in the creation of your new album Rob Me Blind?

an actor in a movie, so that put me and my songs in front of a global audience. The first time I ever played in London and Paris, the shows were sold out in advance. I’ve done lots of touring and have always been very interactive with my listeners on sites like MySpace, YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, UStream.

I try to answer as many emails as I can from people. It’s just all been very direct and sometimes I feel like I’m not even in the music industry—like I’m in some weird industry off to the side of my very own.

ION: You have acted in films such as Holding Trevor, John Cameron Mitchell’s experimental film Shortbus, and a film in post-production called Kiss of the Damned. How do you blend acting and musical careers?

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JB: Rob Me Blind took me a long while to create. It’s been three years since my last album and four years since my last album composed of original material.

I’m kind of a slow writer and my songs are all born organically from real life.

It took me awhile to write the material, and then to find a producer. I really wanted to make an album that was very “me,” but to experiment with more instrumental texture this time around, rather than just doing the same album all over again. It was really important to find the right person who could help me do that in a way that was tasteful and interesting. I was so lucky to get to work with [producer] David Kahne, (Lana Del Rey, Paul McCartney, Regina Spektor) and we made the album over the course of about nine months. I learned so much talking to him and watching him work.

ION: What can your Arizona fans expect from your performances?

JB: I like to keep my shows informal and intimate. I like a lot of interaction with the audience and I tend to ramble between—and sometimes during— songs, as it makes me a bit less nervous. I’ll do new songs from the new album, some older ones, some covers—and maybe even some that are so new they haven’t been recorded yet. It’s all pretty casual and organic, so we’ll see what happens! Who knows, maybe there will be backup dancers and pyrotechnics this year! (Laughs) ION: When you are not touring, acting, or writing music what doe you like to do for fun?

JB: Honestly, travel has become one of addictions since I started touring. Even when I’m not working I get cravings to explore the world—often before or after tour dates, since I’m already abroad. But when I’m home, I’m really a homebody and kind of a loner. I love hanging out one-on-one with my close friends, lying around in bed, being on my laptop, ordering food, and watching movies. I do other more active stuff at times, but one of my favorite things is just to be lazy and not think about anything important for a while!

Catch Jay Brannan’s performances here in Phoenix on Friday, August 10 at 8:30 p.m. at the Hard Rock Café, 3 S. 2nd St. All ages welcome. 21+ at the bar. Saturday, August 11 at Club Congress at 311 E. Congress St. in downtown Tucson. Tix available at TicketFly.com or call 877-4-FLY-TIX. For more about Jay and to buy his new album, Rob Me Blind, visit his website at: www.JayBrannan.com.

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by Jackson David Kelly jacksonkelly@cox.net

Yo, DJ! What’s New? Check out new stuff from J-Lo (greatest hits), Slipknot, Gaslight Anthem, Sixpence None the Richer, Bloc Party and Shelby Lynn that deserve listening to, as well!

Alanis Morissette

Havoc and Bright Lights Her first album in four years, Alanis ditches the experimental sound from Flavors of Entanglement and once again teams up with Guy Sigsworth (Madonna, Björk, Seal) to give us dark, haunting and angry tunes of reflection.

She wrote 31 new tracks but narrows it down to 12 for this release and provides a set-list of anthemic, big and memorable hooks. Lead in song “Guardian” is her most commercial to date while “Woman Down” and its harder, edgier, pissed-off grit emulates what Jagged Little Pill was all about. For those looking for the softer yet haunting feel, look no further than “Havoc,” this sets answer to “Uninvited.”

GRADE: B+

Sparkle

Though it’s an official soundtrack to the movie featuring the late Whitney Houston, this album should be a Jordin Sparks asterisked solo effort.

As a remake of the 1976 movie, this soundtrack lifts many of the covers from the original as well as features newly written material by R. Kelly. Find backing support from the other actors as well as CeeLo Green and Goapele.

“Celebrate,” this sets initial single is a feel-good throwback to Motown and

proves that Whitney was, in fact, still is a diva. “Sparrow” will continue the homage to Houston and attempt to make current the ever-so-popular gospel hymn. GRADE: C

Joss Stone

The Soul Sessions v. 2 It’s been ten years since this London voice captured our ears. And since she never became a household name like Adele and Amy, its no surprise Joss and company attempt to recapture the magic. It’s an ode to the 60s and 70s with a grit, heart and soul that is sleek and without frills. “Looking for Sugar” and “Power to the People” are audibly pleasing while the cover of “High Road,” though out of place, gives you a real sense of gusto. If only she had aligned with the right support and marketing from the beginning. GRADE: B-

Will Young

Echoes Though only available as an import, this album is pure brilliance and showcases a level of sophistication and gentility that is unmatched. Winner of UK’s pop idol in 2001, Young has undergone a complete makeover and offers an album of electronic genius that can be called an undercurrent of today’s dance floor. Lead single and best track “Jealousy” is as perfect as it gets while “Come On” and “Losing Myself” give amazing support. And then there’s the Robin Thicke-like track of “I Just Want a Lover.” Its falsetto register just makes you go AHHHHHH! Grade: A August 2012 www.IONAZ.com 35

“I’m Just Wild About Hairy!”

Where the

Bears Are

by Deon Brown photos by JayPGphotography 36 Deon www.IONAZ.com August 2012 by Brown

S mokey. Yogi. Fozzie. Baloo. Winnie.

All famous bears. And if you love Bears,

you don’t have to be Goldilocks to find a whole den of ‘em coming your way on the internet beginning this August 1. But wait! There’s mystery, too! Get ready for Where the Bears Are. This campy, crazy comedy is a classic “whodunit” following the exploits of three Gay Bear roommates living together in Los Angeles who turn into a hirsute trio of Snoop Sisters to solve the murder of a party cub who winds up dead in the bathtub of their home in the Silver Lake neighborhood.

Co-producer and co-star, Ben Zook (Jack and Jill) told ION more about this unique 26 part web series of four minute long installments from the creative team of Rick Copp (The Brady Bunch Movie), Joe Dietl (The Thin Pink Line). Best of all, it features a hot cast of Bears.

Zook cites the spark stemmed from the trio’s frustration with how long it takes to get things made in the Hollywood studio system—which they are all are a part of—and their desire to just get something done quickly and have fun doing it.

“My life partner, Joe Dietl and I, have been friends with Rick Copp for over a decade and the three of us always wanted to team up and do a project together,” Zook said. “But, getting financing for bigger projects has become quite difficult since the 2008 financial crisis. We decided to do something extremely low budget that we knew we could make ourselves. We also all love Bears, sex, and comedy; Rick is a mystery writer, so it was his idea to

combine all those elements into a web show. I knew the three of us had to play the leads,” he tells.

Bears are part of the Gay landscape.

They’re everywhere these days. For example, Joe Jervis is an influential blogger. Carl Siciliano (provider and advocate for the care of homeless GLBT youth) was honored at the White House. Chris Salgardo (of Kiehl’s skin care line) was a Grand Marshal at New York City’s Pride Parade this year. The Bear Mafia just might be taking over.

“We are!” Zook claims. “We had a great meeting last night at the Cheesecake Factory. World domination is our ultimate goal,” he kidded.

Zook discussed how redeeming it was to film and working with the cast and crew.

“I was amazed by generosity of everyone involved! The cast, crew, locations et cetera all contributed their time and energy and talent for free.

Nobody complained, and everyone was professional and had a blast,” Zook said. “That’s rare.” Guest stars on the show include the hilarious Jackie Beat and the sexy Mario Diaz.

With all the “wild life” on the set, were any Bears harmed in the production of this series? Was the A.S.P.C.A. or the Humane Society involved with Bear safety during filming?

“No. But we came dangerously close to getting electrocuted in a hot tub,” Zook joked.

Is there any chance of a bigger (so to speak) “Bear” series that might “flesh August 2012 www.IONAZ.com 37

out” from Where the Bears Are? “We love the process of what we are doing,” Zook said.

“Shooting it ourselves and the creative freedom that gives us, and posting it for free on our website. We’re hoping to find sponsors so that we can shoot more seasons, but if a network came calling, of course we’d be thrilled.

Either way, we hope to continue on. Creating web content that nobody can say ‘no’ to is really appealing. It’s a very exciting time—sort of like the Golden Age of Television or silent movies.

Everyone has the ability now to create funny stuff and have it seen by a wide audience. I love it!”

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Are these hot Bears available to raid any private picnics?

“As long as there are lots of carb laden side dishes,” Zook laughed.

“The series is set in the ‘Bear world’ but there really is something for everyone in our show,” Zook promises. “If you liked The Golden Girls and like comedy and mystery, you’ll love our show! It’s totally free and can be seen at WhereTheBearsAre.tv beginning August 1. New episodes will be posted every Monday and Thursday.”

Grrrrrr!

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SPLASH DANCE

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AMSTERDAM & PALAZZO

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by Wes Bergman wesobergman@yahoo.com

Total Recall

Starring: Colin Farrell, Bryan Cranston, Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Biel, Bill Nighy Hollywood loves themselves some Dick.

Specifically, Phillip K. Dick, scifi author and visionary behind many a film adaptation, including Total Recall. Based on his short story, We Can Remember it for You Wholesale, our protagonist (originally played by Arnold Schwarzenegger in director Paul Verhoeven’s 1990 version, and now bad boy Colin Farrell) is Douglas Quaid, who—for various reasons that change depending on which version you’re watching/reading— visited Rekall, a corporation that implants artificial memories in its clients. Yet, something’s amiss. Despite undergoing the procedure under the auspices of having false memories implants, there’s something strangely real about them. This confusion leads Quaid to probe beyond the surface of his life to discover that who he thought he was is not who is at all. Bryan Cranston, Kate Beckinsale, and Jessica Biel co-star. Release Date: August 3.

The Bourne Legacy

Starring: Jeremy Renner, Rachel Weisz, Edward Norton, Joan Allen When someone’s absent—whether they’ve passed away or simply decided not to stick around—what’s left of them? Why, a legacy of course!

Hence, The Bourne Legacy—another

spy thriller based on the book series by Robert Ludlum—that stars absolutely everyone in every possible role, except Matt Damon as Jason Bourne. Though the film borrows the title from writer Eric Van Lustbader’s contribution to the franchise, like the previous Bourne films the plot has absolutely nothing in common with the content featured in the books. In this film, we focus solely on Aaron Cross (Renner, The Avengers), a fellow estranged assassin. Joan Allen and Albert Finney reprise their roles, and Rachel Weisz and Edward Norton co-star.

Release Date: 08/10/2012

Sparkle

Starring: Jordin Sparks, Whitney Houston, Mike Epps, Cee Lo Green American Idol alum and hometown hero, Jordin Sparks, stars in Sparkle, the latest musical to hit theaters. The film centers on Sparkle (Sparks), a gifted musician and singer who struggles to enjoy her sudden success while dealing with the negative impact it has on her family. Set in Detroit during the 1950s and raised by her single mother (Houston), Sparkle and her two sisters, Sister (Carmen Ejogo) and Dolores (Tika Sumpter), band together to form a girl group during the rise of the Motown era. Based on The Supremes (1976), Sparkle is Whitney Houston’s final film role, as she died three months after filming wrapped. Most importantly, however, there’s singing—lots of it.

Release Date: 08/17/2012.

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by Kimberly M. Ruff kimberlymruff@yahoo.com

Loudmouths!

Margaret Starring: Anna Paquin, Matt Damon, Mark Ruffalo, Kieran Culkin, Allison Janney In this criticallyacclaimed (and long delayed) film by Kenneth Lonergan (You Can Count on Me), Anna Paquin (True Blood) stars as 16-year-old Lisa Cohen, a self-described “privileged liberal Jew,” whose life is dramatically altered after she’s involved in a fatal traffic accident that costs the life of a pedestrian (Janney, The West Wing.) Struggling with her involvement (she was distracting the bus driver, who ran a red light), she partners with the victim’s best friend, Emily, to sue the Metropolitan Transit Authority for wrongful death, hoping it will result in punitive measures against the bus driver.

It’s a difficult movie to watch at times, largely because Lisa is, quite often, a wholly unsympathetic character— insufferable in her self-absorption—when the already complicated tightrope act of transcending adolescence gets muddied by her juvenile inability to rationally process her emotions, manifested in growing conflicts with family and classmates and escalating flirtations with teachers. This emotional volatility and messiness is neither a weakness of the script nor its lead actor; on the contrary, it’s a testament to the depth of both. Now available on DVD and Blu-Ray.

Kathy Griffin: Pants Off and Tired Hooker Starring: Kathy Griffin Brash spitfire and feisty redhead, Kathy Griffin, returns to TV with not one—but two—Bravo comedy specials: Pants Off and Tired Hooker. Notorious for her unrelenting commentary on Hollywood’s vacuous celebrity culture, Pants Off and Tired Hooker—filmed in Costa Mesa, California and Atlantic City, New Jersey—feature delicious digs at the Kardashians (among others) and bookended Kim’s opulent wedding to Kris Humphries.

Long-time fans will be delighted by not just more anecdotes featuring her mother, Maggie “Tip It, Kathleen!”

Griffin, but an in person wine-drinking welcome, as well as another hilarious story about hanging out with Cher (“I don’t know how to order a pizza; I’m Cher!”) She also brings more juicy gossip and witty analysis of the Real Housewives, discussion of Casey “Hot Mom” Anthony, Marcus “Gay Curing” Bachmann, and rapid-fire quips about her own foray into a week-long stint as a stoner. This uncensored double feature is available on August 7 from Shout!

Factory including unaired footage from both shows. Available at ShoutFactory.com August 2012 www.IONAZ.com 47

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Will Rogers’ Follies “I never met a man I didn’t like!” America’s favorite humorist, newspaper columnist, vaudeville, radio and movie star was adored for his gentle, homespun humor, wit and wisdom. He comes to life here using the Ziegfeld Follies as a backdrop from August 3-September 2 at the Arizona Broadway Theatre, 7701 W. Paradise Lane in Peoria.

Call 623-776-8400 for tix or visit ArizonaBroadwayTheatre.com

Suzanne Westenhoefer This comedy cut-up has the distinction of being the first openly Gay comedian ever to appear on TV. Now she’s touring with a brand new show called “Jilted Gypsy ... for Sale or Rent” and she’s coming to the Rialto Theatre, Tucson on Saturday, August 11th to bring audiences her own unique comedy, and lots and lots of laffs! You don’t have to be a Lesbian to laugh at Suzanne! at the Rialto Theatre, 318 E Congress St., Tucson.

Bully Mammoth Phoenix’s best and only sketch comedy group! See this team of merrymakers yuk it up with their brand of 95% scripted comedy influenced by everything from Elvis to David Lynch 8 p.m. at Tempe Center for the Arts at 700 W. Rio Salado Pkwy. in Tempe. Call 480-350-2822 or visit BullyMammoth.com

AUGUST 2012 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE EVENT LOCATION 3-4 Jamie Kennedy StandUp Live 3-9/2 Will Rogers’ Follies AZ B’way Theatre thru 11 Rent Scotts. Desert Stages 11 Suzanne Westenhoefer Rialto Theatre, Tucson 16-19 Fiddler on the Roof Scotts. Musical Theatre 18 Bully Mammoth Tempe Ctr. for the Arts thru 19 The Odd Couple - Women Scotts. Desert Stages Theatre 22 Hot Mess Comedy StandUp Live thru 26 The Odd Couple - Men Scotts. Desert Stages Theatre 8/31-9/15 Parallel Lives Phoenix Little Theatre

PHONE 480-719-6100 923-776-8400 480-483-1664 520-740-1000 602-909-4215 480-350-2822 480-483-1664 480-719-6100 480-483-1664 602-254-2151

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in memoriam

Chantelle Douglas The talent and beauty describing the exquisite Chantelle Douglas were taken from our community suddenly last month. Her awards, achievements and crowns include Miss Charlie’s Gay Pride 2012, Miss Texas Black America 2012, a past Miss Western States America and Miss Arizona US of A. Chantelle’s grace, charm, humor, and vast capacity for entertaining so many of us will never truly be forgotten; we will always miss her. Chantelle’s unforgettable laughter will continue to ring on in the hearts of those who knew her. ION Arizona extends our sympathy to the family and friends of Chantelle Douglas—star.

AUGUST 2012 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE TIME LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S) Fri 3 10:00pm The Rock An Evening with the Outlaws Sat 4 6:00pm Charlie’s Miss Gay Arizona America Preview & Revue Show Sun 5 6:00pm T.C.A. Miss Gay Arizona America Pageant Sun 5 9:00pm icepics The Big, the Bold, the Beautiful with Kayla, Sophia, & Winnie Fri 10 10:00pm The Rock Juke Joint - All Live Singing Fri 17 10:00pm The Rock Scandaleyez with Savannah Stevens Sun 19 9:30pm Charlie’s Pussy’s Trash Disco Show -- Dress to Impress!!!

Wed 22 9:00pm Karamba Entertainer of the Year 2012 Preliminary Night Fri 24 10:00pm The Rock Pandora Boxx Sun 26 7:00pm The Rock Pandora Boxx Thurs 30 9:00pm Karamba Gloria Estefan Night with Ruby Reynolds Fri 31 10:00pm The Rock Lady Christian’s Trailer Trash Revue Sun 8/2 5:00pm Doubletree Hotel, Tucson Invasion of the 50 Ft. Glamazons Mon 8/3 4:00pm Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot’s Annual Labor Day Show WEEKLY SHOWS Mondays 10:00pm Charlie’s Barbra Seville w/ Strippers!

Mondays 10:00pm Apollo’s Naughty or Nice Bingo Tuesdays 8 & 10pm Amsterdam Dinner’s a Drag with Kiki Vermont, Kira Daniels & Sasha Bratz Tuesdays 8:00pm BS West Stars of Tomorrow Season 7 Wednesdays 9:00pm IBT’s Viva La Diva with Janee Star Wednesdays 10:30pm Karamba Barbra Seville Wednesdays 9:00pm The Rock Open Wide Wednesdays Wednesdays 10:00pm Charlie’s Claudia B. & Company Thursdays 10:30pm Karamba Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds Fridays 10:30pm Amsterdam Kiki’s Dance Party Fridays 9:00pm IBT’s Absolutely Flawless with China Collins Fridays 10:30pm Cruisin’ 7th Miss Dottie Pepper Fridays 9:00pm BS West Elements - followed by Mandi BoomBoom Saturdays 9:00pm IBT’s Starrletts with Janee Star Saturdays 10:30pm Cruisin’ 7th The Fabulous Mia Inez Adams Saturdays 10:00pm The Rock The Barbra Seville Show Saturdays 10:00pm icepics The Olivia Gardens Show / A Touch of Soul with Maraya Jordan Saturdays 9:30pm Charlie’s Pussy’s Patio Show 1st & 3rd Sun. 12:30pm Cruisin’ 7th Sunday Morning Madness with Miss Dottie Pepper Sundays 8:30pm Apollo’s Rotating Drag Shows every week!

Sundays 8:30pm Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot & Friends Sundays 10:30pm Karamba Diamond’s Show August 2012 www.IONAZ.com 51

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P

“ aper! Paper! Get your paper!” And I ain’t talkin’ about the newspaper, either, bub. The most exciting “paper” to hit Central Phoenix within the past year is the much talked about Rice Paper Eatery brought to the growing 7th Street restaurant scene by the spectacular Tran Sisters, Lan and Hue, who describe their unique menu as “Modern Vietnamese Cuisine.” They describes their cozy café as a “Spring roll bar.” This is true.

The miniature bungalow will have you sitting cheek-to-jowl with fellow diners—and that’s half the fun; chat, compare and contrast your choices with convivial neighboring diners.

What exactly makes Rice Paper’s Vietnamese delicacies—like the elusive, perfect “pho,” (Vietnamese noodle soup and a popular street food) and other specialty entrées served here “modern”? The delightful co-owner Lan Tran explained that additional Asian cooking methods are employed to enhance and complement traditional Vietnamese cuisine.

Rice Paper get a toothsome bunch of crispy fried shrimp tossed in a spicy aioli sauce with just enough fire to make you go, “Oh, oh, oh!” like Katy Perry.

The Spring Rolls are all freshly rolled with delicate, transparent rice paper (get it?) vermicelli, lettuce and cucumbers. A delicious choice is the Spider Spring Roll with tempurastyle soft-shell crab, mango, avocado served with a miso ginger sauce.

Thirteen other Spring Rolls are available with inventive fillings, including Asian sausage, jicama, shitake mushrooms, asparagus, chicken, pork and on and on.

Plump, generously filled rolls range from $3.50-$4.75 each.

Order several and share, tapas style.

The Crispy Spring Rolls arrive with

You’ll explode when you try their Firecracker Shrimp. You’ll

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lettuce, mint and Vietnamese vinaigrette dip. These babies might present a palate challenge for some. One diner described the taste as “foreign,” probably due to the strength of the mushroom flavor, imparting a decidedly earthy, musky taste. An apt description.

The vinaigrette is also an interesting kind of “wake up” call for your tastebuds. Four varieties of rolls are featured at $4.75 each.

If it’s dinnertime you won’t be disappointed with a dish that’s clearly the fan favorite, Shaking Beef—one steaming, sizzling plate after another leaves the kitchen every minute. Why not? What’s not to love about cubed filet mignon seared with soy, garlic and

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onions served on a hot, cast iron platter with a generous side of steamed rice topped with a large, steamed shiitake mushroom cap. (Okay. Not a fan of the mushroom. Usually I am. Too fungus-y for me, anyway.) Four other entrées are available from $12-$15.

A variety of generous, super-fresh salads, sandwiches on baguettes and desserts are available that will keep you coming back, in addition to a warm, charming staff and those fabulous Tran Sisters! And that’s front page news to us.

2221 N. 7th St. Phone: 602-252-3326 RicePaperEatery.com Sun-Thurs: 11 a.m.-10 p.m.

Fri-Sat: 11 a.m.-11:59 p.m.

Happy Hours for food & drinks

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SuMmer 2012

FeZtAcUlar

Cruise On Into FEZ. A summer-packed celebration of specials, events, giveaways and more!

Details at fezoncentral.com/summerfeztacular

Lunch. Dinner. Late Night. Weekend Brunch. fezoncentral.com • 3815 N. Central Avenue fezoncentral

@fezoncentral

foursquare.com/fezoncentral

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Photos by Don Thompson & Fernando Hernandez Text by Deon Brown

Joe is a business student while two-time ION cover man Michael works within the Arabian Horse industry, traveling around the world. The fun-loving Australian Shepherd, Jaxx, goes just about everywhere with them and just might be the most popular dog on Facebook.

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You’ll see the friendly, smiling faces of Noah and Bess when you go to Maizie’s Bistro, but when they go home they get to see the friendly, smiling face of their happy Rottweiler, Sierra. Who’s luckier?

We think it’s a win/win, all the way around!

A dog makes friends because he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

BS West’s co-owner Mike and his partner Bryce keep the the tails of their Beagle, Scooby, and Topper, a Ridgeback/ Boxer mix and Buddy the Pug, a rescue, waggin’ all day!

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Every dog has his day! And Joey, a Samoyed, Stella, a Bernese Mountain Dog, and Rori, a Labrador/ Pit Bull rescue, enjoy the best “dog days” in the world with Randy Eddlemon and Keith Lipman, the owners of Tan United.

Jared did a good deed when he rescued Dizzy, an athletic, active Pitbull/ German Shepard mix. Jared is the Bar Manager at Ticoz, so if you need a little of the “hair of the dog that bit you” some Sunday morning, Jared can fix you right up.

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Put ‘em up! Boxers Shelley and Harvard are a knock-out with Mike and Doug owners of The Rock. These lucky palookas were saved by the bell three years ago through BoxerLuv.org.

If dogs are man’s best friend, then Glenn and his partner Don have an entire canine fan club at their “bark and call.” Don regularly contributes his wonderful photographic skills for ION Arizona and, in part, for this feature.

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A Pug is the new Black! Fashion maven and curator David Sheflin’s little Pug, Miep, is crazy about him. “Miep” is a common Dutch name, translating to “Mary.” She’s David’s third little purebred Puggy in a long dynasty of Pugs.

Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy you the wag of his tail.

But Julio’s pooch-pals, Aldo and Maxwell, are more than generous when it comes to a tail-wags (and licks). You’ll find Julio at Thai E-San when he’s not playing with his pups.

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You never see Leslie when she doesn’t have a smile on her face for her friends—and who isn’t a friend of Leslie? Her little “one-eyed” Jack is an extra special friend—he’s a rescue! Leslie is the owner/operater of Tummy Tickles Pet Sitting.

Conservative, buttoned-down banker by day, but you’ll catch Josh as the fabulous “Sasha Sinclair” at night. Josh rescued Teko, a Long-haired Chihuahua, doesn’t need to wear a wig. Both are natural brunettes.

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“What, girl? Timmy fell down the well? And there’s a fire? In the barn?” Mimi, a smart little Sheltie Collie, has the same courage of Lassie and can even chase her on demand.

Mimi’s human heroes, Jim and Marc, adore her, too.

Ray (left) and his sweet little Pitbull pup, Roxy (top), are both stubborn, Ray says. These kids love the outdoors, swimming or watching the Animal Planet channel. James (right) and his giant Pitbull, Kilo, are inseparable. They enjoy camping, wrestling around, swimming, long car rides and attending high class social functions. (It’s really called ‘the dog park.’)

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This past February, Ted Kirby lost his beloved cat, Tobie.

During the Academy Awards broadcast, a stray cat wandered into Richie Black and Bill Brooks’ laundry room and delivered kittens. They told Ted about their “surprise” and he adopted two of the cats. Because of the kitties’ ‘Hollywood heritage,’ Ted named them Oscar, after the award, and Billy—for the ceremony’s host Billy Crystal, of course!

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This handsome Charlie’s bartending favorite loves nothing more than snuggling up to his glamorous little poodle, Paris, named after the famous, naughty socialite. When Ruben’s not playing fetch with her, they’re both glued to the TV watching Mob Wives. “That’s hot!”

When accomplished pianist and entertainer Kenny isn’t tickling the ivories around town, he’s tickles the tummy of his teensy-weensie, insecure, teacup chihuahua/min pin mix, Kody. (Because he’s “CODEpendent.” Get it?)

Big-hearted David found this poor little cat in a grocery store parking lot and gave her a home. In a sudden burst of creativity David and his partner, Bob, named her “Kitty.” She loves the Disney Channel. And wet food. Mostly wet food. (We think David and Bob like the Disney Channel more than Kitty does.)

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Loveable. Cuddly. Affectionate. Loyal. Gentle.

Kind. And Kenelle’s pup, Brutus, ain’t so bad, either. It’s a perfect match! Brutus loves lying around the house, but beware the Ides of March! Sneaky Brutus might steal your food when you least expect it.

An Irishmen, an Italian and a rabbi walk into a saloon. Kobalt bartender Drew asked, “Hey! Is this some kind of a joke?” Funloving Drew is one of Phoenix’s “Sexiest Bartenders,” and his Pomeranian, Kingston has a great sense of humor, too.

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“... and baby makes three!” Since Josh and Robert were legally married in New York City last August, they welcomed a little addition to their family! Little Sebastian keeps them on their toes with his tricks and antics.

Ryan hails from Olympia, Washington and works in a “high pressure” job at a United Blood Services. His sweet, little Italian Greyhound, Colin, knows all about ‘la dolce far niente’ — the sweetness of doing nothing—and enjoying a stress-free life. Capisce?

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R.J.’s miniature Dachshund, Ella, is an Aquarius, a natural-born flirt and perfectly happy to be the center of attention—it’s easy to see why she’s that way. R.J. is an Aries, and a professor of Art History at Glendale Community College. Okay, and R.J. likes to flirt, too.

Rocky is a Boston Terrier, and Cha Cha and Tango are dance competition winning birds from the hit TV show, Dancing With The Parakeets. Well, not really. But they do a mean “Chicken Dance.” These fine feathered friends are always champs for Billy Jones, from Dance Starz AZ studio. Start lessons today!

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Party promoters (and ION Arizona covergirls!) Rebecca and Saranne threw in the towel when they rescued their Boxer, a heavyweight sweetheart.

Jade has had ‘em in clinch over six years now. They’re all knock-outs!

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Tanner, a four-year-old pound puppy loves to swim & play with balls! Desmond loves to swim and ... well ...

Desmond loves to swim, too. Together, these two make a perfect pair!

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Come see what we’re all about with ONE MONTH OF FREE SWIMMING! Visit us online for swim locations, swim times and to find out more about the Sunfish.

www.phxsunfish.org

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AUGUST 2012

Vol. 6, Issue 3

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

Gay Chickens Boycott Chick-Fil-A OUTRAGEOUS!

ATLANTA, Fanatics.

Ga. — A rash “The chickens of negative haven’t been publicity this angry wagered against since Wendy’s fast-food mother pulled their cluckers Chickad from Ellen Fil-A ruffled DeGeneres’s the feathers sitcom in 1997. of Gay and They’ve been Lesbian activist running around roosters, hens, like, well, capons, pullets chickens with and chickens their heads cut everywhere. In off!”

2010 ChickFil-A donated Rhode Island nearly $2 Reds, Leghorns, million to hatePlymouth based groups Rocks and even promoting or the Sicilian supporting anti-Gay measures or groups Buttercups have established a pecking order to like RESEMBLANCE Exodus International, the & rallyISforces and organize aACCIDENTAL boycott. And you ANY TOMarriage THE TRUTH TRAGICALLY Family Foundation and other bigoted right don’t want to mess with a Sicilian Buttercup. wing—as well as breast, drumstick and thigh—organizations. Now the chickens are The recent death of Chick-Fil-A’s Public coming home to roost.

Relations executive Donald Perry may not be a coincidence. Age 60, Perry was no spring “Our GLBT chickens and their Straight chicken, but died suddenly and some question allies refuse to be slaughtered, processed “fowl” play. Col. Harland Sanders, III of and sold to Chick-Fil-A to fund their hateKentucky Fried Chicken said nothing is certain based enterprises, and that’s something to in the poultry business. “As we like to say, crow about,” said a spokesperson for GLBT ‘Don’t count your buckets of chickens before Chickens Against Fast Food Religious they’ve hatched.’”

OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS!

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OUTRAGEOUS! Racy XXX Olympics Channel for Adults Only LONDON—The International Olympic Committee and NBC have tag-teamed participating countries to be part of the payper-view channel, “XXX Olympics ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE After Dark.”

Each nation’s sexiest athletes will be part of this 18+ production where they’ll be competing like you’ve never seen them compete before in gold medal winning performances that are bound to inspire.

for a perfectly executed gang bang including an international “Daisy Chain” that will make amaze viewers worldwide.

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

“Plenty of the Olympic sex TRUTH IS TRAGICALLYacts ACCIDENTAL be tailored for each nation’s specialty,” said one NBC Olympic programming executive. “For example, Spain, Mexico and other Latin American athletes will each be in charge of a ‘Dirty Sanchez’ while the Chinese, Japanese and other Asian countries will compete in the “C’mon,” said one anonymous Olympic ‘Angry Dragon’ event. The ‘Eiffel Tower’ is, official. “You don’t think people watch the of course, uniquely French. We’ll see if they Games for the sake of the sport, do you? can win this one. And we all know what the The ‘Thirtieth’ Olympiad is perfect for a Greeks are good at.”

ANY TOTO THE TRUTH IS IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL ANY RESEMBLANCE THE TRUTH TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL littleRESEMBLANCE XXX adult entertainment.”

Athletes from the Equestrian and Dressage Productions like the Gay themed, “Balance events are banned for obvious reasons.

Beam Bros.” for Men’s Gymnastics.

Winners will all be awarded with a pearl A spectacular orgy called “Watersports necklace.

Wonderland” will be broadcast when the Men’s and Women’s Swimming, Diving Subscription for the special, two-week long and Water Polo teams will join forces broadcasts is $69. with Synchronized Swimming athletes

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS!

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Gay Party

Tips (Part 2)

by Robert Hoffman 82 Deon www.IONAZ.com August 2012 by Brown

H

ere is my partial list of party tips, continued, for those of you too ignorant to get it. Follow these. You can’t go wrong.

Do not, under any circumstances, bring children with you. They are not invited, they are not fun, they are not wellbehaved (no matter whose kids they are), and they are not welcome. This is an adult party. So, do not take a child. I’d rather you took the silverware, but, please, not the porn.

Do not wear a leather harness even if you are going to a leather bar after you leave my party. First of all, I don’t even want to know that you have plans for after my party.

Secondly, no one—and I mean no one—wants a bird’s-eye view of your deformed nipples, matted chest hair and sagging belly all night. If, however, you are under 25-years-old and have a ripped body, feel free to wear a jockstrap with black boots.

But nothing else.

If I’m having a sit-down dinner, do not use your own fork after it’s been in your disgusting mouth to dig through the meat platter to find another piece of meat to your liking. The first time you do that, I’ll smack your hand right in front of the other guests. The second time you even attempt to do that, I’ll punch you in the mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won’t be able to eat anything ever again.

Chew with your mouth closed. Use napkins—not my tablecloth or curtains.

And use your knife to push your food onto your fork, not your dirt-covered thumb. I don’t know whose ass that thumb’s been in.

Do not serve corn if you or any of your guests are planning to have sex later.

Of course, since it is a Gay party, you and your guests are planning to have sex later, so the rule truly is: never serve corn. Though ribbed condoms have a similar feel, no one wants to hear, “Oh, no, honey, that’s not a ribbed condom I put on you. I had corn for dinner.”

Foul or dirty language is usually frowned upon unless you are whispering it into my ear with your hand on my crotch.

Don’t talk behind someone else’s back. Unless you’re talking to me. Do not openly flirt with someone I want to sleep with. I paid for the food. I get first pick of the meat. If you are flirting with my potential sleep-over for the night, your lips are going to be swollen for approximately two days.

Never be the last one to leave a party unless you are planning on performing sexual favors for the host.

And, finally, thank the host. I always call the next day or send a card. It’s just polite—especially if you exchanged bodily fluids. _ Robert Hofmann is the author of three books, Surrounded by Insanity, An Ordinary Madness, and his latest, One Brain Cell Away from Retarded. He lives in Wilton Manors, Florida, with his partner of 16 years and welcomes email from readers at robshof@aol.com.

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WETT PARTY

SHERATON HOTEL DOWNTOWN PHOENIX

88 88www.IONAZ.com www.IONAZ.com August August 2012 2012

Woody’s

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by Addison DeWitt

B

ow wow wow!

The Dog Days of summer are here.

You can either sleep on the porch or run with the big dogs. So I’d say it’s high time somebody out there throws this poor dog a bone—if you know what I mean.

Speaking of boners—I was, wasn’t I?—our own shy, little, shrinking violet, Clayton McKee, also known as “The Mouth That Roared” from the legendary “Show Me State” of Missouri (and he’s not shy asking you to show him, either) has been doing a little shopping lately-and not from the Gloria Glidden Handbag Collection on QVC, either. Oh no. Clayton, the Tannest Man Alive™ and multi-winner of George Hamilton Open© and Bain de Soleil Bronzing Emeritus knows that Life takes Visa® ... and so does the Betsy Ross of underpants, Andrew Christian. McKee spent a one weekend in a lather when he had the chance to buy an autographed limited edition (152/166) pair of scantypanties from his Latin Lover, model Jason Medina. Yes, Clayton’s lover. I know, I know ... this all came as a great surprise to Mr. Medina, too. You know what else is gonna come as surprise? The restraining order that’s bound to come Certified Mail sooner or later. (We’re guessing sooner.)

But congratulations, Clayton! You can frame that in the hermetically sealed glass showcase you keep the knickers in, too.

This year’s “Dancing with the Bars” competition was hot and heavy. Speaking of that, my friends in the wardrobe

department spotted ION’s own Kevin Bushaw in an unenviable position when he was caught up to his elbows in Pussy ... LeHoot, that is. Seems the dainty lil’ Charlie’s charmer asked little Kevin to secretly perform a bit of “girdle wrangling” and yank her reluctant and recalcitrant foundation garment from the North Pole a little further down to the South Pole so it would encircle the Equator a little bit more tightly.

I know, gentle reader! I was shocked—shocked—to learn that the Audrey Hepburn-like Madamoiselle LeHoot had to resort to the artifice of a girdle to further the illusion of her gamin-like appearance! Why, she has the waifish figure of a 16 20 50-year-old gal.

(And frankly, I’ve heard that they’d like it back.)

When the patriotic contestant Katy June announced in the pre-show sound-byte, “I love America—so vote for me!” I nearly cried, except I’ve had so much Botox I can’t. Only a Terrorist or a beastly Governor Jan Brewer could ignore a winsome plea like that from such a sweet little girl (who just happens to be a registered voter, I hasten to point out. A voter.)

I kid, I kid. I’m very proud of everyone’s performance this year. Even the contestant who’s coincidentally dating a judge. (Oops!

Did that slip?)

From the Boomerang File (“It Keeps Coming Back!”) It doesn’t feel like it’s been eight long months since Afeelya August 2012 www.IONAZ.com 95

Bunz retired last year, now does it?

Well, guess what?

It hasn’t been. Funny Bunz took some lessons from Cher. No, she doesn’t have a transgender child (that we know of) but she and is staging a series comeback “Farewell” appearances.

“Hey, I’m not gonna turn down a paying gig,” Bunz rationalized. I think Cher said the same thing. Do you get paid as much as Cher? Anyway, good for you, sweetheart! I just knew you didn’t give away all those wigs, gowns and heels.

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Finally, if these are the Dog Days, the “Best of Show” blue ribbon goes to Billy Jones! He’s the Party Penguin of the Month! (Dogs, birds ... don’t question me. This is a still an award. Of sorts ...) Billy not only periodically stages his famous “Boys Night Out” party bus sprees, he also generously provided Dance Starz AZ studio for rehearsal space for the “Dancing with the Bars” plus he coached and danced with two contestants. Plus, billy has a really cute boyfriend, too. Here, boy! Good Billy! Good Billy!

Addison deserves a treat. Send any kibbles or bits to him at RumorHound@aol.com

Phoenix

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520.791.2345

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FREE CODE: IONAZ For other local numbers call:

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August 2012 www.IONAZ.com 97

T

he Olympics bring out everybody’s competitive nature. Contests abound this month. Whether it’s Badminton, Business or Love, play fair.

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

On your mark! Get set! Go! You’re off like a shot as you go for the gold. Slow and steady wins the race. Make sure that a Cancer doesn’t leave you in the dust when you wave to a Libra in the bleachers.

Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20

picture on a Wheaties, but a snapshot of you just may find itself onto someone’s Facebook profile. Birthday Virgos should expect someone to pass them the torch at a special event. Not the Olympics, sorry.

Not that special.

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22

You’ve been jumping over one hurdle after another. The finish line is in sight, but look over your shoulder and you’ll see that speed demon from Kenya hot on your tail. So don’t look over your shoulder.

A Capricorn wants to massage your hamstrings for you.

You may find your gymnastic agility put to the test when you find yourself on a slippery Balance Beam. If you stick the landing you may find yourself turning somersaults with a very acrobatic Sagittarius. Watch that dismount, though!

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23

Your life is like a game of tennis this month. It’s all about love, love, love as you volley back and forth. One day it’s a match with a Libra. Another it’s a Scorpio. Just hope it doesn’t go out-of-bounds with a Capricorn.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Thrust, thrust, thrust! You’ll find yourself fencing with several worthy opponents in the workplace and socially. Your parry and riposte may land you a promotion.

En garde! A Libra attempts a “change of engagement” just to play with your foil.

Touché!

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22

You feel like you’ve been running a marathon, but you just got a second wind that’ll last you the rest of the month.

Celebrating a birthday? Trade in your track shoes for some dancing shoes! A Gemini gives you a special endorsement.

Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22

Your athletic prowess may not get your 98

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It’s not whether your win or lose; it’s how you play the game. Bullshit. Winning is definitely better. You’ll be singing out loud because of an Aquarius in two weeks. And it won’t be the National Anthem, either.

As the Archer, you’ll shoot your arrow and hit the bull’s eye. This makes you the Toast of the Town. Or the toast of the bar, anyway. A Pisces says, “Good show, old chap!”

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20

You may not be able to play water polo, but you look great in Polo by Ralph Lauren.

Your fashion acumen and sartorial splendor make you a winner. An Aries cheers you on when you try just a little bit harder.

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

You’re endless laps of practice in the Swimming Pool of Life pay off this month when you find yourself awarded with a gold medal by a Capricorn. Or maybe a pearl necklace. Maybe both, if you’re lucky.

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

Dive in, little fishy! The degree of difficulty proves no contest for you and your success in a challenging event will be a “springboard” for a valuable opportunity.

Use this “platform” to amaze a Virgo. 9.9!

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