ION Arizona 138 Dec 2012

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28th ANNIVERSARY

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CHARLIE’S PHX

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The Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

My editor told me not to mention the weather so much in my article. So I won’t tell you how awesome the weather is now in Arizona. He suggested not to mention the election so I won’t discuss how our community kicked ass last month. He also urges me to use more contractions, so hopefully you’ll love my future articles and he’ll be happy that I don’t spell out every word. He’s the best editor we’ve had so I’ll take his advice. [Thank’s, Jack! Smart aleck! — Ed.] December means the beginning of one of the most enjoyable seasons. As we begin the parade of holidays and events, we can look forward to a great 2013. Not only does this issue contain a complete listing of all the great holiday parties and events in our special feature “The Countdown is ION” but also the Cool List, an interview with fashion mavens Tom + Lorenzo, as well all the useful ION guides.

Recently a member of our community, Austin Head, was violently attacked because he’s Gay. Fortunately, he’s still with us. We’re very thankful for his safety, and glad he’s encouraged members of our community not to be afraid.

So we propose to you - live life to its fullest, take care of your self, and be careful out there. We need you!

Sincerely,

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Jack M. Tesorero Publisher www.IONAZ.com December 2012

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3819 North 3rd Street Suite 26, Phoenix, AZ 85012

(602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com

ionarizona@me.com

Publisher / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero .............................. jacktesorero@me.com

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ........................................ kbushaw@me.com Editor Deon Brown ....................................... ionazeditor@me.com COPY EDITOR Austin Head PRODUCTION ASSISTANTs Chance Gullon Scott Taylor PRODUCTION & Artwork SUBMISSIONS ionazproduction@me.com Advertising Sales Jack Tesorero ............................................... (602) 750-1164 Danny Catt, Regional Sales Director ............ (520) 429-5905 ionazsales@me.com ADVERTISING CONSULTANT Bill Knoop ..................................................... (602) 301-8457 Photographers:

Fernando Hernandez Jerry O’Conner Danny Catt Devin Mitchell Cover photo by Fernando Hernandez Art by Kevin Bushaw National Advertising Representative Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 ContributORS:

Wes Bergman Addison DeWitt Jackson David Kelly C. Edwards Robert Hoffman

Ted Kirby Kim Ruff Paul Sanchez Joey Sarandos Alekzander Shaw

Published monthly by

1995-2012: 17 Years of Design and Creative Excellence

© 2012 JMT Designs, Inc.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation.

Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.

NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company.

Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

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OZ Bar

Enjoy that “simple air of savoir-faire at the merry old bar of Oz!” Check out their Poker Tour with sexy go-go boys Fri-Sat from 7-10. Come to the Pot Luck on Christmas; Oz provides the ham! Don’t miss the New Year’s Eve Bash with 2-4-1 U-Call-Its, party favors, appetizers and a champagne toast at midnight. Enjoy Happy Hour everyday from 6 a.m. - 8 p.m., 2-4-1, free darts, free pool, free wi-fi! 1804 W. Bethany Home Rd. 602-242-5114 OZbarPhx.com See ads on pp. 3, 4, 5, 6, 22, 35.

Men of HomoRodeo.com Yee-haw! C’mon, pilgrims! Meet the cowboys who are part of the MenofHomoRodeo.com Calendar on Friday, December 7, 7 p.m. at Bar1! Get your calendar, a few sexy snapshots and enjoy a sarsparilla with specials at Bar1. 3782 N. 16th St. Phoenix 602-266-9881 Bar1Bar.com See ad on p. 92

Phoenix Men’s Chorus “Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!” Join the musical Partridges in Pear Trees from the Phoenix Men’s Chorus singing, “Fire & Ice: Singing Down the Stars” this holiday season John Paul Theatre, Phoenix College 1202 W. Thomas Rd. PhoenixMensChorus.org December 14, 15, 16, 18. See ad on p. 18

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Austin Head’s End of Days Cabaret The End is Near! Chief Priestess, Barbra Seville, hosts this ruckus spectacle of live show: Scandalesque, Strange Family Circus, SambAZ Brazilian Dancers, Pandora DeStrange, Austin Head and more will all be raising hell for the End of the World! Friday, December 21 at Crescent Ballroom. 308 N. 2nd Ave. Phoenix. 602-716-2222. Teaser Video & Tix at EndOfDays2012.com. See ad on p. 93

Sexy Santa at TUC Naughty or nice? Somewhere in between? Let Sexy Santa decide, little boys and girls! See what this stud’s got for you when you sit on his lap. He might give you a pony! Or a fire truck! Or maybe a hard-on. Seriously. It all happens on Saturday, December 22 from 4-7 p.m. 4700 N. Central Ave. at Highland Ave. 602-274-8268 See ad on p. 36

DECEMBER 2012 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE EVENT Fri. Thank DiVa It’s Friday 7 Men of HomoRodeo.com 7 Holiday Extravaganza 7-1/1 19 Days of Christmas 8 Boys of Leather & Nasty Santa 8 Festival of Trees 9 Raise The Roof Chili Cook Off 9 Desert Overture Christmas Concert 12 Customer Appreciation Party 13 Gay Comedy Night 13 Art Show & Wine Tasting 14, 15 VIP Party 14 White Trash Xmas 15 4th Annual Black Party 15 Fur Ball 16 4th Annual Posada Navideña 16 Talent Show 18 Mustache Ride 21 Not the End of the World Party 21 Debauchery Party 21 Doomsday Party 22 End of the World Party 22 Sexy Santa thru 30 Las Noches de las Luminarias 25 Nightmare on Christmas 29 Retro Game Show Night JANUARY 3-6 Mr. Phoenix Leather 2013

LOCATION Woody’s Bar1 The Rock Charlie’s Anvil Renaissance Hotel Apollo’s Lounge Central High School BS West Comedy Spot Harley’s Bistro Dick’s Cabaret Apollo’s Karamba Anvil Karamba icepics icepics videobar Bar1 Anvil Apollo’s BS West Tan United Phoenix p.2 BS West Club Congress

CITY Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Scottsdale Scottsdale Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Scottsdale Phoenix Scottsdale Tucson

Apollo’s, Anvil, Apollo’s, etc.

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APRIL 6 & 7, 2013

APRIL 6, 2013

Noon - 9PM Steele Indian School Park

Step Off 10AM 3rd Street & Thomas

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T.D.I.F. Thank Diva It’s Friday!

You can’t buy entertainment like this! But a big, fat tip is always appreciated! Come see Tucson’s own Miss Gay Arizona America, the incomparable Diva, when she ends the week with a bang at Woody’s as she hosts Thank DiVa It’s Friday every Friday from 9 p.m.-12 midnight.

Drink specials all day and all night long, too!

3710 N. Oracle Rd., Tucson. 520-292-6702 MyWoodysAZ.com

DECEMBER 2012 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE Tues 4 Fri 7 Fri 7 Tues 11 Wed 12 Fri 14 Wed 19 Sun 23 Tues 25 Mon 31 Mon 31 Mon 31 Tues 1/1 Tues 1/1

TIME LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S) 10:30pm Karamba Miss Karamba (Miss Phoenix Gay Pride Prelim) 10:00pm OZ BAr A Beary Merry Christmas Drag Show TBA Cruisin’ 7th Miss Cruisin’ 7th (Miss Phoenix Gay Pride Prelim) 10:30pm Karamba Mister Karamba (Mister Gay Phoenix Prelim) TBA Karamba Celeste’s Birthday Bash 10:00pm The Rock Juke Joint - All Live Singing 10:00pm Charlie’s Claudia B.’s Christmas Show 8:00pm Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot’s Christmas Show 8:30pm BS West Nightmare on Christmas Holiday Show 9:00pm The Rock The Jackie & Olive Show TBA Cruisin’ 7th NYE with the Fabulous Mia Adams!

TBA Apollo’s NYE Party Like There’s No To-Maya with Ajia, Nevaeh & Tyra 2:00pm Charlie’s Fabulous Champagne Show with Pussy, Claudia & Barbra TBA Karamba New Year’s Day Savannah Show

WEEKLY SHOWS Mondays 9:00pm Mondays 10:00pm Mondays 10:00pm Wednesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 10:30pm Wednesdays 10:00pm Thursdays 9:00pm Thursdays 10:30pm Fridays 10:00pm Fridays 9:00pm Fridays 10:30pm Fridays 9:00pm Saturdays 9:00pm Saturdays 10:30pm Saturdays 10:00pm Saturdays 10:00pm Saturdays 9:30pm 1st & 3rd Sun. 12:30pm Sundays 8:3:0pm Sundays 8:30pm Sundays 10:30pm

The Rock Charlie’s Apollo’s IBT’s The Rock Karamba Charlie’s The Rock Karamba Woody’s IBT’s Cruisin’ 7th BS West IBT’s Cruisin’ 7th The Rock icepics Charlie’s Cruisin’ 7th Apollo’s Charlie’s Karamba

It’s Bingo, Bitches! with Kendra & Aimee Barbra Seville w/ Strippers!

Naughty or Nice Bingo Viva La Diva with Janee Star Open Wide Wednesdays Girls of Karamba - Adrian Galiano, Karime Lizaldi, & Celeste Montiel Claudia B. & Company Catia Lee Love Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds T.D.I.F. (Thank DiVa It’s Friday!)

Absolutely Flawless with China Collins Miss Dottie Pepper Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers Starrletts with Janee Star The Fabulous Mia Inez Adams The Barbra Seville Show The Olivia Gardens Show / A Touch of Soul with Maraya Jordan Pussy’s Patio Show Sunday Morning Madness with Miss Dottie Pepper Monthly Drag Shows (A Different Show Every Week!)

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A John Water’s Christmas The Pope of Sleaze who made “trash” one percent more respectable brings his own twisted kind of Holiday Cheer to town. John Waters, the creator of “Hairspray” and “Pink Flamingos” celebrates Christmas on Saturday, December 8 at the Scottsdale Center for the Performing Arts at 7380 E. 2nd St. ScottsdalePerformingArts.org or call 480-499-TKTS. Extra filth, no charge.

The Addams Familly: a musical They’re creepy and they’re kooky. Mysterious and spooky. Yep, the original “Goths” are coming to town in a nutty musical comedy where you’ll laugh yourself to death! Catch Gomez, Morticia and the macabre clan December 11-16 at ASU Gammage, 1200 S. Forest in Tempe. Visit ASUGammage.com or call 480-965-3434. We’ll leave the lights off for you.

Maryanne Marttini She admits that she’s a “very special girl.” And she certainly is! This Funny Lady favorite has appeared at Charlie’s, Friends with Celia Putty and now you can catch her show, “Living in the LOOP - Land of Old People.” Find out how special—and hilarious—Maryanne is on Sunday, December 16 at The Comedy Spot. 7117 E. 3rd St. 480-945-4422

DECEMBER 2012 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE EVENT LOCATION PHONE 1-22 Jane Austen’s Emma: a musical Tucson Temple of Music & Art 520-622-2823 1-16 The Snow Queen - ballet Herberger Theatre 602-258-9481 4-5 Cirque du Soleil Mesa Arts Ctr. 480-644-6500 7-22 iTheatre’s Christmas Cabaret Herberger Theatre 602-258-9481 6-9 Cirque du Soleil Orpheum Theatre 602-262-7272 8 A John Waters Christmas Scotts. Ctr. for the Arts 480-499-TKTS thru 16 Wolves Stray Cat Theatre 480-634-6435 11-16 The Addams Family: a musical ASU Gammage 480-965-3434 15 Moscow Ballet’s Nutcracker Comerica Theatre 602-379-2888 16 Maryanne Marttini Comedy Spot Comedy Club 480-945-4422 16-1/20 My Mother’s Italian ...

Herberger Theatre 602-258-9481 thru 22 A Christmas Carol SW Shakespeare Co. 602-505-1202 18-23 Christmas Catechism: Magi’s Gold Scotts. Ctr. for the Arts 480-499-TKTS 22 Louis CK Celebrity Theatre 602-267-1600 thru 30 Annie AZ B’way Theatre 623-776-8400 28-31 Ralphie May StandUp Live 480-719-1600 JANUARY 2013 3-20 Jane Austen’s “Emma” - a musical AZ Theatre 602-256-6995 11-2/2 Nearly Naked presents Equus Phoenix Theatre Little Theatre 602-254-2151 December 2012 www.IONAZ.com 25

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BEARRACUDA

THE ROCK

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La La Land Music Festival Wow! You won’t want to miss this magnificent event!

Imagine three stages and 30 DJs spinning the hottest tracks. Throw in a bunch of sexy go-go dancers, amazing theatrical performers, dance crews, and 10,000 beautiful people and you’ve got the La La Land Music Festival. The funky shit goes down on Friday, December 7 at the Phoenix Convention Center, 100 N. 3rd St. Go to LaLaLandMusicFestival.com for more.

Clay Aiken Listen up, Claymates! American Idol runner-up, Celebrity Apprentice and Broadway star Clay Aiken brings his golden voice to town where he’ll ring in the holiday season with his “Joyful Noise” tour! Little old ladies love him, and you’ll like him, too! Catch this snappy ginger on December 20 at the Wild Horse Pass Casino & Showroom. 5040 Wild Horse Pass Blvd. in Chandler. For tix call 877-840-0457

The Tenors These Canadian national treasures offer up a Christmas Spectacular of song for the Holidays! The Tenors’ eclectic blend of classical and contemporary pop bring the sounds of the season to town on Saturday, December 15 at 8:30 p.m. at the Carefree Resort & Conference Center Opera House at 37220 Mule Train Rd. Purchase tix at ProTixOnline.com or make a weekend of it and stay at the resort. Special packages are available at Carefree-Resort.com

DECEMBER 2012 ION Concert Calendar DATE 6 7 7 8 9 9 9 14-16 15 15 18 20 30

ARTIST LOCATION PHONE Bruce Springsteen Jobing.com Arena 800-745-3000 La La Land Music Festival Phx Convention Ctr. 800-745-3000 Chris Isaak Celebrity Theatre 602-267-1600 Alice Cooper’s Xmas Pudding Comerica Theatre 602-379-2888 Desert Overtures Central High School DesertOverture.org Leann Rimes Mesa Arts 480-644-6500 Barry Manilow Comerica Theatre 602-379-2888 Fire & ice: Phx Men’s Choir Phx College 602-228-5587 The Tenors Carefree Resort & Conference Ctr. 480-488-5300 Randy Travis Wild Horse Pass Casino 877-840-0457 Brian Setzer Orchestra Celebrity Theatre 602-267-1600 Clay Aiken Wild Horse Pass Casino 877-840-0457 Chaka Khan Talking Stick Resort 800-745-3000 December 2012 www.IONAZ.com 29

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UNIFORM NIGHT

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THE ANVIL BAR

by Jackson David Kelly jacksonkelly@cox.net

Yo, DJ! What’s New? Alicia Keys

Girl On Fire Alicia calls this project the new her and draws on recent worldly travels for inspiration. Not only are we treated with the powerful anthems and ballads we expect, but we are also gifted with uplifting, perfectly evolved sounds of percussion, reggae, electro-R&B and soul as influenced by Frank Ocean and UK sensation Emeli Sande. “Brand New Me” haunts with a dark piano riff while “Listen to your Heart” almost sounds danceable with its disco-like infusion. Then there’s “Not Even the King” and “Girl on Fire” with Nicki Minaj that says, “I can be contemporary, current and loved.”

GRADE: B-

Rihanna

Unapologetic She’s done the unthinkable; seven albums in seven years. Though they haven’t all been cohesive concepts, this one shows RiRi growing up in a big way. Complete with 14 tracks, Rihanna enlists David Guetta, Eminem and Chris Brown to give life to this diverse offering of anger, love and fun all without remorse or fear of criticism. Lead single “Diamonds” is pure heaven and gives the listener a glimpse of this new girl while the standout “Get It Over With” showcases Rihanna’s perfectly caressed vocals around a sound and vibe. For those nay-sayers regarding Brown, be prepared to be amazed with their collaboration “Nobody’s Biz.” GRADE: B

Keeping with tradition, my top albums of 2012. #1 – Keane – Strangeland As previously reviewed, each of Keane’s albums have been career changers although they became lost after their first two releases. With Strangeland they found amazing magic and created an album that is a culmination of Fears and Iron Sea. “You Are Young” and “Silenced by the Night” are catchy and smart all while setting the tone for the rest of the album.

The mid-tempo builder “Neon River” seals the deal. Then there’s “Sovereign Light Café,” this album’s best track and—dare I say it?—their best ever! Truly 2012’s #1 album—one that will become a classic and one that will make you say, “Coldplay who?” GRADE: A #2 – Gotye – Making Mirrors #3 – Muse – 2nd Law #4 – Madonna – MDNA #5 – Morton Harket – Out of my Hands #6 – Ellie Goulding – Halcyon #7 – Kimbra – Vows #8 – Chicane – Thousand Mile Stare #9 – Norah Jones – Little Broken Hearts #10 – John Mayer – Born & Raised Honorable Mention – Scissor Sisters’ Magic Hour; Frank Ocean’s Channel Orange & Santigold’s Master of my Make Believe Happy Holidays to you all! Don’t forget to check out new material from Anastacia, Ke$ha, Melanie Amaro (x-factor), Wiz Khalifa, Chevelle, Lifehouse and Bruno Mars. Stay tuned for January’s issue and my top 10 singles of 2012!

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by Wes Bergman wesobergman@yahoo.com

What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?

Starring: Bette Davis, Joan Crawford “I only want to talk about the nice things!” Twelve years after Gloria Swanson terrified us with her macabre descent down her spiral staircase (and into madness) in Sunset Boulevard, aging Hollywood stars, Bette Davis and Joan Crawford, starred in perhaps one of the most disturbing “Hag Horror” films of the era, What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? Davis (Dark Victory) and Crawford (Mildred Pierce), star as Baby Jane and Blanche Hudson, respectively, one a washed-up former vaudevillian child star and the other a successful film star until a suspicious automobile accident cripples her.

Long since retired, they share a house where Blanche spends most of her time confined to a wheelchair in her bedroom.

The jealous Jane, a grotesque shadow of her childhood-self, still wears the same ghastly make-up and trademark blonde ringlets, is mentally unbalanced and tortures her sweet sister. A neighbor, the maid and a musician only complicate things for Jane.

Like Sunset Boulevard, there’s a certain meta-film aspect to this story—Davis and Crawford were notorious rivals and the animosity of the fictional sisters wasn’t much of a stretch for either actress.

Now film buffs can see the thinly-veiled contempt in all its glory for its 50th Anniversary release, now on Blu-ray! Includes documentary profiles, commentary and tons of extras. A Gay camp classic!

Sunset Boulevard Starring: Gloria Swanson, William Holden, Erich von Stroheim “I am big. It’s the pictures that got small!”

Billy Wilder’s famous film noir about the decay of old Hollywood, Sunset Boulevard has been newly restored and packaged on Blu-ray just in time for the holiday season. B-movie writer, Joe Gillis (Holden, The Bridge on the River Kwai), hasn’t sold a script and is on the lam from creditors when he happens upon a crumbling palatial mansion on Sunset Boulevard. Within he finds delusional Norma Desmond (Swanson, Queen Kelly), an aging Hollywood superstar has-been who lives among the moldering vestiges of her once illustrious silent film career with her creepy, Teutonic butler, Max (von Stroheim.) Gillis becomes embroiled in a relationship that ultimately costs him his life (not a spoiler; you find out he’s dead in the first scene.) Ironically, the film, which focuses on a 50 yearold former silent film star, became the best-known work of Gloria Swanson, a (then) 50-year-old silent film star. Packed with over two hours of rare bonus materials including a deleted scene. A “must have.”

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by Kimberly M. Ruff kimberlymruff@yahoo.com

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Starring: Martin Freeman, Ian McKellen, Richard Armitage, Andy Serkis, Aidan Turner Before Frodo Baggins was enlisted to find and destroy the one ring designed to bind and rule us all, there was his uncle, Bilbo Baggins, who had a noteworthy adventure of his own. Called upon by Gandalf (McKellen), whom I’ve become convinced just likes to take advantage of Hobbits’ good natures, Bilbo (Freeman, Love Actually), must liberate the lost Dwarf Kingdom of Erebor from Smaug, an aptly-named dragon. Directed

by Peter Jackson, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, promises to dazzle and excite crowds as much as the Lord of the Rings Trilogy did, featuring many of our favorite places and faces from Middle Earth. Release Date: 12/14

On the Road Starring: Sam Riley, Garrett Hedlund, Kristen Stewart, Kirsten Dunst Based on Jack Kerouac’s semi-autobiographical novel that encapsulated the experiences of the Beat Generation, On the Road is directed by Walter Salles (The Motorcycle Diaries) and stars Sam Riley (Control) as Kerouac’s literary doppelganger, Sal Paradise. Devastated by a divorce, Sal, a struggling young

writer, meets the free-spirited Dean Moriarty (Hedlund, Tron: Legacy) who encourages Sal to hit the road for a series of adventures in his quest for “it”—the experience of having experiences without being tethered by convention or tradition in the manner that typified the lives of the post-war generation.

Throughout their adventures,Sal’s struggles eventually give way to a growing disillusionment with Dean as he begins to realize Dean’s lack of commitment translates to everything—including people.

Kristen Stewart and Kirsten Dunst costar. Release Date: 12/21

Django Unchained Starring: Jamie Foxx, Leonardo DiCaprio, Christoph Waltz, Samuel L. Jackson Quentin Tarantino, the visionary behind Jackie Brown, returns to the silver screen with the most blacksploitationy of blacksploitation films, Django Unchained. Set two years before the Civil War, Academy Award winner, Jamie Foxx (Ray) stars as Django, a slave who is acquired by the German-born bounty hunter, Dr. King Schultz (Waltz, Inglourious Basterds), under the pretense that should Django assist him in finding the murderous Brittle Brothers, he’ll be freed. Though success grants Django his freedom, he continues to partner with Schultz and together they go after a target that is the subject of Django’s vengeance, Calvin Candie (DiCaprio), a cruel slave owner who acquired Django’s wife, Broomhilda (Kerry Washington) and is the owner of “Candyland,” a plantation where slaves are trained for bloodsport.

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by Albert Rivas arivas3@gmail.com

L et’s just get this out of the way: I

watch way too much television. That’s the only thing to comfort me at night. So this qualifies me to review TV and there might be spoilers; at least I’m warning you now.

Mark your calendars, ladies and lady boys! Your favorite winebingers of Cougar Town are back January 8 on TBS. Yes, you read that correctly TBS. Cougar Town will start their fourth season and our favorite cul-de-sac crew is sure to bring us more wine drinking and Penny Can. The writers and the critics hate the show title but who’s against controversy to garner ratings?

Let’s embark on this journey by popping several bottles of wine, sitting back on that couch and tossing a couple pennies at our coffee can.

Last season we left off with Jules Cobb, (Courtney Cox of Friends) getting married to her neighbor Grayson Ellis (Josh Hopkins). What comes next?

I don’t know, but when you have the writers who worked on Scrubs guest star on Cougar Town you know it’ll always be good and heartwarming. The series show stealers are Ellie Torres (Christa Miller) and our “jelly bean” Laurie Keller (Busy Philipps), who are every Gay man’s ideal hags.

One thing we can depend on is “Big Lou” keeping us well-juiced throughout the

crazy shenanigans of the married life that Jules and Grayson are about to encounter.

Gossip Girl will (finally) bid farewell to primetime TV on December 17. I’m surprised they lasted this long, but seems like the CW is in the holiday spirit by giving them two hours to torture us with star Blake Lively’s voice. Now don’t get me wrong; I was a fan the first few seasons seeing Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester) in her always best dressed fashion, being the puppet master to Little J (Taylor Momsen) and her lovehate friendship with Serena van der Woodsen (Lively).

“Lonely Boy” (Penn Badgley) will always be “Forgotten/ Time Filler Boy” to me. Don’t forget the chameleon with the smoldering smirk, Chuck Bass (Ed Westwick). Nobody else can pull off saying, “I’m Chuck Bass” like him. As for Nate Archibald (Chase Crawford) ... Class whore is the best way to describe him. The person who will be missed most is Georgina Sparks, played by Buffy the Vampire Slayer alum Michelle Trachtenberg.

Only she could lie and create a new identity to infiltrate her old group of friends and still be the Bitch from Hell after six seasons.

Over the years we’ve had a coming out, drugs, lots of sex, the disappointing threesome, an almost royal wedding and all of that doesn’t compare to the biggest mystery of all: who is Gossip Girl? I have my guess but, “I’ll never tell. You know you love me. XOXO Gossip Girl.”

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Fabulous & Opinionated.

Tom & Lorenzo B elieve it or not, some people have boring, humdrum, empty, sad little

lives without any Gay boys. Can you imagine that? What a dreary world this would be without any bitchy, opinionated, judgmental queens sniping and lambasting the world of fashion, celebrities and just about everything else under the sun. And especially on TV. Thank god for the wit and wisdom of the fabulous Tom Fitzgerald and Lorenzo Marquez, the fashion runways’ run-away hit critics who’ve made a career out of castigating, carping and criticizing the lifestyles of the

by Deon Brown

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rich and brainless. It started in 2006 when they launched their first fashion blog, ProjectRunGay, with a chiding commentary about the fashionazi Heidi Klum, the avuncular Tim Gunn and the parade of contestants on reality competition TV show, Project Runway.

Since then, the world has become one, big, giant red carpet for Tom and Lorenzo who also write television reviews for The Huffington Post and attend fashion shows all over the world.

Tom and Lorenzo dished the dirt with ION Arizona about der Heidi, fashion trends and offer a little sartorial advice, too.

ION: You describe yourselves as “attention whores.” How’d that happen?

Tom + Lorenzo: We swear to God, it just happened. We realize one doesn’t accidentally gain attention in this oversaturated age, but witch’s honor, we swear we didn’t set out looking for it. The short version of the story: we were both working and struggling as freelancers from home and needed something to fill up the vast stretches of the day when we were NOT working and likely to snap at each other from the stress of such. Lorenzo suggest a Project Runway blog to pass the time. After a lot of cajoling, Tom finally agreed. We just happened to launch at the moment when Project Runway became very popular and wound up gaining an initial audience of some size.

Once you give a couple stressed-out queens an appreciative audience, they’re going to run with it, so we wound up putting more and more work into the site, expanding it outwards in terms of topics, until finally we wound up here: as site publishers to an audience of millions, offering up our opinions on a range of pop culture topics.

ION: Where do you get the time to do all this blogging?

T + L: From the same 24-hours the rest of the world gets. This is our full-time career now, and we’re working from about 6 a.m. to about 10 p.m. most weekdays.

It helps that there are two of us and that we’ve been together so long that we can pretty much work telepathically, but the total number of hours we collectively

spend on the site each week is easily over 100.

ION: What are your predictions for the worst emerging fashion trend?

T + L: If we can say one thing to men out there, it’s this: don’t pay attention to what you’re seeing in editorials and on the red carpet. You do still need to wear a belt with a suit. Underfed male stars with 28-inch waists can get away without one when posing for pictures, but for the average man who has to do more than pose during his day, it’s going to look like a sloppy mess.

ION: Predictions for the best emerging fashion trend?

T + L: Color. In a big, big way; bright and saturated, in combinations that feel new. It’s one trend that rockets from the runway to the discount racks within a few months.

ION: What is the last fashion taboo?

T + L: Probably still men in skirts. If Marc Jacobs and his string of hooker boyfriends couldn’t make them happen, then it’s not likely to trickle down to the average man any time soon.

ION: So ... what’s your beef with Project Runway hostess Heidi Klum? What was her worst PR outfit ever?

T + L: We have a beef with Heidi? This is news to us! We adore the tacky little Teuton. But we couldn’t possibly pick a December 2012 www.IONAZ.com 45

‘worst outfit’ after ten seasons. There are so many!

ION: Suppose that Isaac Mizrahi and Michael Kors get into a Dynasty style cat fight. Who wins?

T + L: Oh, Kors! Definitely. Mizrahi’s too fragile. Kors wouldn’t let up until Isaac was a puddle of tears on the floor.

Have you received any death threats or retaliation from celebrities because of your blog?

T + L: Not at all. We think most celebs are savvy enough not to get into a pissing match with a blogger. We’ve heard from only a handful of celebs in the time we’ve been doing this and every single one said they think we’re hilarious and love what we do. The thing is, in our biz, you’re only gonna hear from the celebs who have a sense of humor. The ones with sticks up their asses would never admit they read us, let alone contact us.

ION: The Gays are always stylish. Fact or Myth?

T + L: Oh please, honey! Myth. One need only attend one’s local Pride celebration every year to get confirmation of that. The Gays love style, but that doesn’t always mean the Gays are good at it.

ION: Tell us about your forthcoming book, Everyone Wants to Be Me or Do Me. T + L: We wanted to take a satirical look at the world of the celebrity, finding the memes and motifs that repeat themselves over and over again in their lives, from that first big break, to the casting couch, to

by Deon Brown

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awards season, to the big Chernobyl-style meltdown, to the Lifetime Achievement Award with stops along the way to look at the big celebrity wedding, the epic celebrity breakup, and how to acquire a multiracial brood of children in the time it takes most normal people to have just one. Then we wanted to see how we so-called normal folks can actually learn something from the nuclear levels of delusion and selfconfidence most celebrities pump out.

Hence, the title, which is like the celebrity version of a Daily Affirmation.

ION: Can you give us one piece of advice for the everyday Gay guy about fashion--what to do, what not to do?

How to stand out? What to avoid?

T + L: Everyone says this, but it’s true: Make sure your clothes fit. The next most important rule: Invest in your clothes.

Disposable clothing is a waste of money and never looks as good as something you paid a little money for. We’re not talking major luxury goods and designer items or anything; just that you’ll get way more mileage out of a well-fitted $60 white dress shirt than you would out of its 20buck counterpart. And to stand out: find the style that suits your personality, body type and age the best, then become fluent in it. This takes some time in a dressing room and a bitchy friend to tell you that you’re too old for orange skinny jeans, but it’s worth it.

Tom + Lorenzo ... fabulous and opinionated. Since you asked—or even if you didn’t—find out what they have to say about, well, almost everything.

And believe me, they’re bound to have something to say. Visit them regularly on TomAndLorenzo.com. Remember, sometimes the truth hurts.

I am a friend, a Latino, and a peer educator.

And I am living with HIV.

TM

José (center) has lived with HIV since 2001.

Get the facts. Get tested. Get involved. Visit www.KnowHIVAZ.com.

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W

e have a saying around here. “Non si fanno frittate senza rompere le uova.”

We say it all the time. Well, okay. We don’t say it all the time, but it’s true nonetheless.

It means, “You can’t make an omelette without breaking any eggs.” This is a metaphor. You have to shake things up if you want to make something. Capisce?

The new owners of Harley’s Bistro are certainly shaking things up.

Picture it. Phoenix.1950. A young peasant girl cooks fine Italian cuisine using only the best and freshest ingredients making her restaurant the toast of the town. Do you know who that girl was, Dorothy? No, not Sophia Petrillo. She was Livia di Eugenio. The name has changed a couple of times and gone are the checkered tablecloths. The newest owners, Stacey Black, Charolette Kimerley and Tammi Rowlan gave the old gal a contemporary, muchneeded facelift, but they still use a number of Livia’s fabled recipes, plus they added a few new clever culinary surprises, thanks to Chefs Jess for dinner and Ryan during lunch.

Harley’s Italian Bistro Mango Salad. This newly super-popular cruciferous leaf is tossed in a light, honeylemon vinaigrette and topped with toasted pepitas and spears of mango for $9. (Oh, and kale is loaded with vitamins. Shhh!)

The Bistro’s pizzas are lovingly baked in their brick oven. Try the Prosciutto & Arugula Pizza with Balsamic drizzled lightly on top. The plentiful, flavorful chunks of the rich, Italian ham under the bed of arugula (another cruciferous veggie) complements the pie perfectly. Six different 10-inch pizzas—plus a “build your own”—are all served after 4 p.m.

Don’t miss out on the decadent Bistro Chicken. Tender chunks of white meat are sautéed with sundried tomatoes, prosciutto, spinach, onion, garlic and tossed with a knock-out rosata sauce (a combination of alfredo and marinara) and served over farfalle pasta. This hefty entrée is just $15 and served for dinner only.

Visiting Harley’s for lunch? One of their new creations on the menu is the Loaded Mac + Cheese. It’s an enormous dish of farfalle pasta, homemade artisan cheese sauce, prosciutto, fresh mushrooms and sun dried tomatoes. A bargain at only $9, we recommend sharing with a friend.

A new treat is the sturdy Kale & December 2012 www.IONAZ.com 49

The Bistro has a number of exciting dining options to make your experience memorable. Monday nights bottles of wine are half-off. If you order lasagna with your vino, it’s half-price, too. Tuesday grab gourmet ‘za and a regular carafe of house wine for only $20. In Vino Veritas! Join Harley’s for Win-O Wednesday for a half-price carafe of house wine. Thursday is date night and Chef Jess will tailor a divine three-course dinner for you & your amoré from a select menu for $25. There’s plenty of vegetarian options on the menu, too. Mamma mia!

Experience a very special Sunday Brunch from their always-changing table of fine comestibles. You might get orange peel ricotta pancakes, stuffed French toast, Italian Beef with housemade au jus, or Eggs Benedict, roasted vegetables. You can even create your own frittata—and remember, you can’t do that senza rompere le uova. (Remember the first sentence? It all falls into place now, right?)

Make it All-U-Can-Eat (and drink) and throw in Mimosas and Cape Cods all for $20 per person and you’re startin’ off the week with a bang!

The ingredients used in each dish are organic and locally grown or raised whenever possible. Harley’s Italian Bistro is a proud member of Local First, too, in addition to being supporters and part of the Phoenix GLBT community.

So what are you waiting for? If you haven’t visited Harley’s Italian Bistro in a while, come and see what’s shakin’ and get crackin’. But be careful; it’s good with eggs, but hard on dishes.

4221 N. 7th Ave. Phone: 602-234-0333 HarleysItalianBistro.com

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Y

ou’ve got a shopping list.

You’re looking for something special. Something unique. Don’t stress! The ION Arizona Cool List has great ideas for you to suit that special guy or girl in your life.

The

Cool List Gift Guide Photography by Fernando Hernandez Direction by Kevin Bushaw Styling by Par Exsalonce CityScape Salon & Spa Alfonso Gonzales, Owner • Jon Lively, Stylist & Make Up Emilio Armand, Stylist • Kyle Tuttle, Stylist Models In Order of Appearance: Derek, Paul, Erika & Maritsa.

Photoshop Brushes by Obsidian Dawn Special Thanks to: Scott Taylor at The Root Seller 3343 N. 7th Ave., Phoenix, 602.265.7668 Donna Matheson of Italian Ice Designs. facbook.com/ ItalianIceDesign Written in part by Kevin Bushaw, Deon Brown & Alekzander Shaw

Copper Bracelet from The Root Seller.

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Necklaces from The Root Seller

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A fun (and hairy!) sampling of the characters found in the big, furry world of Bears! With the Guide for the Modern Bear- A Field Study of Bears in the Wild, by Travis Smith & Chris Bale - you’ll be able to identify bears, cubs, wolfs, grizzlies and otters in their native habitats, including what they drink, eat— and where they play! Softcover, $19.99. ModernBear.tumblr.com

pagne, you’ll need this! Replenish your body with essential vitamins & nutrients you lose while getting hammered. Created right here in Arizona. Best of all, it’s Snooki approved. No kidding! NOHOdrink.com

If you overindulge in the eggnog and cham-

dock for your iPhone. Turn your iphone into a retro alarm clock, made of wood.

The “Decidous Dock” is available at Anthropologie.com

Get a woody with this sexy

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Necklace from Italian Ice Designs

the southwest, the Copper Canyon Bowls ($35-$250) go well with a wide range of decor and make a great gift for Mom. Each piece is unique, a sculpture of contrasting color and texture, and coated with copper and a preotective coating for heirloom-quality durability.

Inspired by the canyons of

A display of balance and flow in lyrical motion, the Classic Copper Intertwining Candlesticks Pair ($150) is a Karim Rashid masterpiece. Makes a thoughtful wedding or anniversary gift—a toast to two distinct personalities joining to create a beautiful whole.

What do you get the messy chef in your life? The Loop Towel Holder ($79) designed by Neil Cohen is a bold, bright, statuesque way to anchor and dispense paper towels. The arm anchors the paper towel roll with the just-right amount of pressure, so that you can pull and rip with one hand.

The upper loop makes it easy to handle, easy to fill, easy to love. Available at NambĂŠ locations and Nambe.com

NoW opeN DiScover 18 NeW, oNe-of-a-kiND, locally oWNeD ShopS uNDer oNe roof

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Every man in Phoenix should be shopping at Bonified Goods. It’s lined with amazing denim, todie-for collared shirts and bow ties galore. Our favorite is a line of amazingly printed silk bowties by Barbara Blank. They start at $39.50 and have every color and print you could imagine; adding the perfect geekchic look to any holiday attire! Location at the Union at the Biltmore Fashion Park.

Do you have Paris Envy?

Royal Apothic’s Scent No. 1 is formulated to be a fine gentlemen’s grooming product, and after smelling it you’ll know why.

The Cologne, which is only $34, is 2 ounces of Heaven. It is reminiscent of a fresh shower, with a hint of a gentlemen’s club; infused with ingredients like sandalwood, musk, cedar wood, amber and more. There’s also a candle in the same scent! Paris Envy is located in the Melrose Shopping District & The Union at the Biltmore Fashion Park.

What are the holidays without a little booze?! Queen Creek Olive Mill has an

amazing Spanish Fly Dirty Martini mix and Vermouth Garlic Stuffed Olives set for $20 (Just add vodka or gin) that could make any gay man purr.

Location at The Union, Biltmore Fashion Park. www.queencreekolivemill.com

Tungsten Ring from The Root Seller.

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Phoenix’s Premier LGBT and Ally Concert Band

Presents

A Most Wonderful Christmas Sunday, Dec 9, 2012 3pm Phoenix Central High School Auditorium 4525 North Central Ave Phoenix, AZ

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*FREE ADMISSION* Donations Gladly Accepted www.desertoverture.org

December 2012 www.IONAZ.com 61

Earrings & Necklace from Italian Ice Designs.

Everyone knows that what every boy or girl really wants during the Holiday Season is a ring. Get a custom design from Krikawa.

Located in St. Philips Plaza, Tucson or at Krikawa.com

featured in this guide are chic and stylish.

Swing down and check out the whole collection. The Root Seller is located on the SE Corner of 7th Ave. & Osborn, Phoenix.

These copper bracelets from the Root Seller

hula s

christmas eve

party

Santa knows you’ve been naughty

N’T CARE! AND HE DOES HULASMODERNTIKI.COM

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What makes this time of year

special? Parties, gifts, open houses? Many things bring us joy. Really, it’s special people in our lives. Old friends and new.

Make this Holiday special.

Just like you.

Earrings and Ring from Italian Ice Designs.

Selenite Orb from The Root Seller.

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is

Photography by Fernando Hernandez Creative Direction by Deon Brown, Kevin Bushaw, & Alekzander Shaw.

Featuring Austin Head, Chuey from Charlie’s, Miss Ebony, Shannon Hughes, Stefanie Hagemann, Frank Terry, Alekzander Shaw, Adonis from BS West, Jen Deveroux, Elise Welch and William Reed.

Photographic Consultant Jerry O’Conner | Styling by Alekzander Shaw & Jen Deveroux & Alternative Fashion Society | Hair & Makeup by Sabina Chowaniec Party Props provided by Party People 5740 N. 7th St., Phoenix. (602) 264-0062 Additional Costuming provided by Easley’s Fun Shop 509 W. McDowell Rd. Phoenix. (602) 271-9146 Shot at Metro Retro - Mid Century Modern Furniture 708 W. Hazelwood Ave., Phoenix. (602) 279-0702 December 2012 www.IONAZ.com 67

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extra t a b it of s ju h it W ca n yea r, you is h t rt o Ma ry! eff n Bright, o s a e s is d easy ma ke th qu ick a n w fe a y Here a re igner Joe a lley des V m ro to f tips su re s that a re Sa ra ndo impress.

Mix It

Up!

Th is y of the ear try all th r few dis ainbow. Gli e colors t z c o it up ba curlin g ribb lls, and das with a o h meta n over the ba llic eve se feathe of the tree w ryth ing! Wr a r that is boas or tha ith loose sa p tin, leftove t sequ in go r fr a tree skirt. om Hallowe wn When en for the Ho it lidays comes to .. is mor .more e!

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! p U t I Serve cheese Costco rom t a h t e v te f Mo nto a pla l in platter o hat punch bow t e lac d tree home. P Ornaments an ll in fi h. a wreat an be added to c . le s e b h a et branc ots of th p s ve r y e t s p u em n yo e h w , r e b Remem retty� counts! food, “p

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Stir it Up Create a and mak signature cock tail e friends. a large batch fo r your Equal pa rts Vodk permint a, PepSch mon Cre napps, and Cin naamer ma kes a ca cane co ndy cktail th everyon at will have e talking .

!

December 2012 www.IONAZ.com 75

28th Annual

RODEO

Friday

February 15-17, 2013

Rodeo School Royalty Contest Country Idol Preliminaries Entertainment & Dancing Contestant Registration

Saturday

Rodeo Starts @ 10AM Grand Entry @ 1PM Royalty Contest Finals Country Idol Finals Entertainment & Dancing

Sunday

More Rodeo & Grand Entry Country Idol & Royalty Celebrations Community Entertainment & Dancing Award Ceremony

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NEW LOCATION!

7611 S 29th Ave Laveen AZ, 85339

(29th Ave and Baseline Rd)

Boogie Dow n!

Take som e time to p ull together a mix o f your fav orite music from the re st of the y ear and m it in with y ix our Chris tmas tune Don’t kill s. the holida y buzz wit h hour after hour of Bing Cros by.

December 2012 www.IONAZ.com 77

Decemb e r 2012

! r y a e p p a H New Y

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DECEMBER 2012

Vol. 6, Issue 7

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

Carols Offer False Hope. Local Man’s OUTRAGEOUS! Hopes Ruined.

LAVEEN—It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Except for Mikey Pratt, 23, a seasonal employee selling Summer Sausage and cheese balls. at a local Hickory Farms kiosk at Arizona Mills

OUTRAGEOUS!

with Teresa Montoya at Hot Dog on a Stick.

“It was kind of like ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’ but more like, ‘I Saw Mikey Giving a Hickey to that Skank Ho’ Teresa,” said Elliott. “I’m

“I listen to Christmas carols day in and day out,” Pratt complained. pissed at him. And that bitch.”

“Nothing they sing about ever happens to me.”RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH ANY TRAGICALLY TheIS Holidays prove to be ACCIDENTAL one big disappointment for Pratt. “It’s not ‘The Most A poorly insulated apartment never gives Wonderful Time of the Year,” he moped. “I Pratt a “Silent Night” because of noisy work at the mall every day. I’m not invited to neighbors. “Have Yourself a Merry Little any parties. This sucks. It’s not ‘Beginning to Christmas” promises “faithful friends who Look a Lot Like Christmas’ at all.” are dear to us/will be near to us once more.”

Not true. Pratt’s best friend, Allan Bass, Santa Claus is not comin’ to town for Pratt. moved to Butte, Montana three years ago But he will be at Santa’s Village in front of the and Vicky Elliott, who works at the Orange Burlington Coat Factory every day from noon Julius in the food court but won’t talk to ‘til 6 p.m. him now because she saw him talking

OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL May 2012 www.IONAZ.com 81

C

M

Y

M

Y

Come see what we’re all about with one month of fRee SWImmInG! Visit us online for swim locations, swim times and to find out more about the Sunfish.

www.phxsunfish.org Support the Sunfish at Pride, April 21-22, by visiting our Beverage Booth!

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Come and see the most amazing natural investor resources in America today! At the end of the year you’ll have the opportunity to see the amazing development of Fiscal Cliffs!

This unique living opportunity has been in development since 2003 when the G. W. Bush Destruction Company dreamed of this day.

From the Brink of Disaster you can see views of the stunning Raincheck Forests and enjoy the endless expanse of Payrolling Hills! The climate is gentle with warm windfall and no overdraft near Trickle Down Creek.

Grocery where you’ll find deep cuts in already slashed prices ... and programs, too.

Watch your family grow along with the National Debt in beautiful Fiscal Cliffs starting December 31st!

Come in today and win a Free Enterprise! It’s Tariff-ic!

Ask your Senator or Congressman today for details and how you can’t pre-qualify!

Live in a custom home with high debt ceilings designed with you and your family’s welfare in mind at Greenspan Acres! Convenient shopping is nearby at the Stock Market December 2012 www.IONAZ.com 83

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IBT’S ON 4TH AVE

SHERATON HOTEL DOWNTOWN PHOENIX

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Phoenix

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by Addison DeWitt

Ifort’sthetimetime

honored, hallowed tradition of my third annual Gab Fab List™ in which I single out those who are chosen through a complicated and extremely technical process with a panel of Swiss experts. Or mostly because they tickle my fancy. “Fancy” is code for something else I don’t feel comfortable putting in print.

Visions of sugarplums dance in my head. But not as much as visions of Joel Michael Anderson, who is, indeed, “Bootylicious.”

You’ll always find me singing, “Funiculì, Funiculà” around the culinary cutie pie Gabriele Bertaccini because he always brings “fun” wherever he is. Sometimes he also brings Agnello à la Pastore , Risotto à la Milanese, Bistecca à la Fiorentina. Anything à la. I can’t even cook Spaghetti-O’s à la Chef Boyardee.

I have a kiss planned for Milton Delossier and Daniel Calderón. Right under their mistletoe. If you know what I mean.

I’d like to get my stocking stuffed by

Timothy Schwer.

I mean, who wouldn’t love a good stuffing from him?

(Inappropriate? I think not.)

Darling Dusty Brinsmade is always “pompadourable.” I want to French kiss him someday.

Someday ...

Do I smell Bacon? Winner of ArizonaDrag.com’s “Drag Race,” Miss Victoria Bacon (well, she’s pretty hard to miss!) always makes me scream, “Sooey!”

Baby, it’s cold outside!

Not if I could snuggle up with besties Abram Hohm and Geoffrey Licari. If only ...

I also want to say, “Fangs for everything!” to dental darling Tom Durisek. And how could I leave out Kevin Axx? Never. Ever!

And now, the moment I’ve been waiting for! I’m proud to announce someone who belongs in that venerable Pantheon of Party Penguins of the Year. It’s that darling André Mark Edwards. He makes every day a holiday!

Whatever you celebrate, Happy Holidays to you. If you don’t celebrate any holiday, go to a movie.

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Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22

D

eck the Halls! You’ll get a great show with the Geminid Meteor Shower on December 13. This is nothing like a “Golden Shower.” See up to 120 in one hour! The Full Moon on the 28th reveals a secret for Taurus, Leo, Virgo and Pisces. Maybe a Libra, too. Maybe not.

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

You’ll find yourself under the mistletoe with a super sexy Santa this season. Beware!

Too much tongue might mean “Herpes for the Holidays.” Not really. But people might think you’re spreading too much Yuletide Cheer—with your legs.

Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20

Are you naughty or nice? The devil gets the best of you—and you’ll get the best of everything when your mischievous mood takes over and you take advantage of a promising situation with generous benefactor. You rascal, you!

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Sit on Santa’s lap and talk about the first thing that pops up, little boys and girls. You just might find that you’ll get something extra-special in your stocking this year from someone who cares. But it’s not jewelry.

Sorry.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

You’ll shock friends and associates during a Holiday party at work this year when you have too much eggnog. It involves a Xerox machine, Post-Its, missing underwear and dancing with a lampshade on your head.

Yikes!

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22

Temptation proves too much for you when you start snooping and discover what’s under the tree. The surprise is ruined but you’ll learn something valuable about the season. So don’t look in the hall closet, top shelf, under the vacuum cleaner bags.

Don’t expect a “Silent Night” when you have a rendezvous with a Secret Santa with a North Pole you won’t forget. He has a special toy out that’ll have you screaming like the entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22

Do you hear what I hear? It ain’t just a Christmas carol because word on the street says you’re giving cookies and milk out for a certain jolly elf. And the crumbs lead right to your bed. Ginger *Snap!* girlfriend!

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23

You’re a real fruitcake lately, which is so unlike your usual, pragmatic self. People love your seasonal nuttiness and you’re the toast of the town. Overbooking yourself might cause a problem. Keep a schedule.

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23

Visions of sugarplums dance in your head because there’s someone special sliding down your chimney. If it’s your birthday, take a moment to remember those less fortunate. Don’t rub their noses in your good fortune. Well, maybe just a little bit.

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20

You like candy canes? They wouldn’t be candy if they weren’t sticky! You’ll find yourself in a “sticky” situation with three not-so-wise men (or women). Cappy Birthday to you! A special present leaves you obligated to someone.

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

Raindrops and roses and whiskers on kittens. Bright copper kettles and red woolen mittens. Forget it. Your favorite things are more prurient. Maybe you’ll get a Fleshjack or a Trojan Twister. You’ll have a smile on your face by New Year’s.

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

Go tell it on the mountain! Expect a wildly explosive event to happen in your family or circle of friends. It’s too embarrassing for Facebook. If you saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, wait ‘til you see this! Oh boy!

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