ION Arizona #109

July 2010

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Morgan Mcmichaels

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Appreciate What You Have!

Welcome to our 9th year anniver-

sary issue! It’s hard to believe that 109 months ago we created the first ever digest size all entertainment/lifestyle Gay and Lesbian publication in Arizona.

They said it couldn’t be done yet here we are. Thank you to everyone who has helped us get here - from our advertisers, our employees and contributors to you - our reader.

Like many Gays and Lesbians, I love to travel. I wish I could travel more often.

The airport, the flight, the hotel, the bars, the shopping, the sights, sounds and smells of a new city all are part of the adventure. Last month I traveled out of town for a much deserved vacation.

It was great. Yet, when I travel, I ask myself if I could ever live where I’m visiting. The answer was always no. There is no place like home: Arizona.

Last month this column raised a few eyebrows; I love that. It shows me you’re reading ION. First, thanks for all the kind words about the passing of my dog, Schmoopy. In fact, next month’s “Pets and People” issue is dedicated to her but we need your help. Please send us a photo of you and your pet(s) to ionarizona@me.com by July 15th. We might pick you and your pet to be in our next issue!

I also mentioned that we are temporarily pulling out of Tucson. Because of the response, we have decided to deliver a limited quantity of magazines to Woody’s, IBTs and SAAF for now. Plus, we will continue to sponsor Tucson

Pride in October. But we still need more support from businesses and their community.

I am usually an optimist. The glass is always half full, not half empty. However, this economy has really tested my optimism. We have lost a lot of Gay owned businesses in the last couple of years. Bars, retail stores, publications, restaurants and more. Other local businesses’ sales are down. It doesn’t help when organizations, cities and even entire states boycott Arizona. Yet with hard work, creativity and determination, many surviving businesses are thriving. And with your continued support of ION Arizona and our partners, we will weather this storm and all emerge stronger than ever.

Now that we are (un)comfortably in the triple digit temperatures, there’s no better time to enjoy your favorite air-conditioned venue, store, club, restaurant or bar. There’s a lot going on this month.

From great bar events, to concerts like Lady Gaga and Ke$ha to Ant at The Comedy Spot in Scottsdale, don’t miss a thing.

If you look close, you will see a teaser ad for a new bar/restaurant that is coming soon in downtown Phoenix. We live in trying yet exciting times. Be a part of it. Appreciate what you have. Stay cool and use ION as your guide to all the fun!

Sincerely, Jack M. Tesorero Publisher/Founder July 2010

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BOYCOTT

Photos by Carlos Silva 16

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3819 North 3rd Street Ste. #10, Phoenix, AZ 85012

(602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com

ionarizona@me.com

Publisher / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero - Ext. 5 ........... jacktesorero@me.com

My Heatstroke.com Bill Knoop .............................................. (602) 301-8457 CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw - Ext. 4 ..................... kbushaw@me.com Editor AND TYPIST Deon Brown - Ext. 3 .................. ionazeditor@me.com PRODUCTION ASSISTANT Craig Rubin ................................. ionarizona@me.com GRAPHIC DESIGNER Brock Miles ......................... ionazproduction@me.com PRODUCTION & Artwork SUBMISSIONS ionazproduction@me.com Advertising Sales Jorge Suarez Mike Scofield Ext 2 - ionazsales@me.com Photographers:

Jerry O’Conner Carlos Silva

Don Thompson Michael Chesworth

National Advertising Representative Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 ContributORS:

Wes Bergman Stacey Jay Cavaliere Addison DeWitt Jackson David Kelly

Justin Gonzales Ted Kirby Kim Ruff Paul Sanchez

Published monthly by

© 2010 Tesorero Omni Media

a JMT Designs, Inc. company

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN THE USA

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.

NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company.

Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

1995-2010: 15 Years of Design and Creative Excellence

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NOH8 Photoshoot Break out the white v-neck and the duct tape!

Noted photographer Adam Bouska brings the wildly successful NOH8 campaign comes to the Valley!

Portraits will be taken in the W Hotel in Scottsdale from 4 p.m.-7 p.m. on Monday, July 12 and there will be a meet & greet from 7 p.m.-10 p.m. 7277 E. Camelback Rd.Check www.noh8campaign.org for upcoming details.

Latino White Party You might call it “La Fiesta Blanca!”

Wear something white and sexy and come party at Karamba! Laura Pasqualini will entertain you as Mariah Carey. The first 200 people who come will receive a special CD music mix.

It all happens on Saturday, July 24 at Karamba. 1724 E. McDowell Rd. Phone: 602-254-023. www.karambanightclub.com

Dancing with the Bars Foxtrot, cha-cha, waltz or the merengue!

See who’ll be the next Fred and Ginger!

Your favorite bartenders try their hand – or feet, actually – to win the award of Twinkletoes in this contest to see who footloose. And fancy free. It happens at the Wyndham Hotel in – where else? – the ballroom! 50 E. Adams in Phoenix.

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Lady G After Party Whether you make it to the Fame Monster’s concert or not, come and take a ride on the disco stick at The Lady G After Party on Saturday, July 31! Hosted by Kiki Vermont with music by DJ Tsunami, with performances by RuPaul’s Drag Race contestant Jessica Wild with a team of hot Puerto Rican divas! It happens at the Madison Event Center, 441 W. Madison St. Tix at www. phxevents.com or call 602-325-5005.

Roscoe’s 14th Anniversary

Hey there, all you pitchers and catchers! It’s time to celebrate everybody’s favorite sports bar’s birthday! Starting on Friday, August 6 thru Sunday, August 8 enjoy a blowout weekend Enjoy specials on Friday, games and promos on Saturday and a beach party that night with a prize suite at the J.W. Marriott! See you at 4531 N. 7th St. Phone: 602-285-0833. www.roscoeson7th.com

July 2010 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE

EVENT & LOCATION

CITY

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AZ Right to Marry at the Rock Enrique Iglesias CD Release at Karamba NOH8 Photoshoot at the W Hotel Barbra Seville’s NOTY at Amsterdam Drag Wars at BS West Christmas in July at Pumphouse Latino White Party at Karamba Dancing with the Bars - Wyndham Hotel Lady G After Party - Madison Events Ctr.

Phoenix Phoenix Scottsdale Phoenix Scottsdale Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix

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Miss Gay Arizona America Roscoe’s 14 Anniversary Party

Tempe Phoenix

Check out bar and nightclub ads in this issue for daily & weekly specials!

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FANTA-SHE’s FINALE

Photos by Kevin Bushaw 26

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4th (& 5th) of July at Charlie’s

Come to Charlie’s on July 4th at 8pm for Miss Ebony’s 45th Drag Anniversary All-star Tribute Show! On Monday July 5th head down for the complimentary All-American buffet and Pussy LeHoot’s Annual Firecracker Show with Barbra Seville, Claudia B., and Miss Ebony!

Raven at Dragalicious

ArizonaDrag.com has been bringing Arizona the hottest drag in the country for a year! Celebrate on July 24 at Forbidden when they pull all the stops out with Dragalicious!

The fabulous Raven, a finalist from RuPaul’s Drag Race will share the stag with Arizona’s own Janée Starr, Lucinda Holliday and others for a night to remember! Tickets are limited!

6820 E. Scottsdale. Rd. www.ArizonaDrag.com

July 2010 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE TIME LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S) Mondays 9:00p Apollo’s Drag Bingo with Erikya Knowles Wednesday 10:30 Cruisin’ 7th Judy’s Steppin’ Out Wednesdays 10:00p Charlie’s Claudia B. & Company Third Thursdays 10:00p Forbidden Miss Ruby’s Show Thursdays 10:30p Pumphouse II Hot Bodz Male Revue w/ Savannah Thursdays 9:30p Amsterdam Kiki Vermont Thursdays 10:30p Karamba Grecia’s Show Fridays 10:30p Cruisin’ 7th TGIF with Devina Ross Fridays 9:00p BS West Elements - followed by Mandy B.B.’s Boys!

Saturday May 15 6:00pm Babylon Miss Gay Valley of the Sun America Pageant Saturdays 10:30p Cruisin’ 7th Dream Girls with Regina Gazelle Saturdays 10:00p icepics The Follies Comedy Drag Show Saturdays 10:00p Forbidden The Barbra Seville Show Saturdays 9:30p Charlie’s Pussy’s Patio Show Saturdays 10:30p Pumphouse II Hot Bodz Male Revue w/ Savannah Sunday 4th 8pm Charlie’s Miss Eboy’s 45th Anniversary All Star Tribute Sunday 4th 8 pm Apollo’s Afeelya Bunz‘sThat Time of The Month Sunday 9th 10 pm Apollo’s Barbra Seville and Sherry Vine: Blondes Gone Wild Sunday 11th 8pm Apollo’s T.C. Taylor’s That Time Of The Month Show Sunday 18th 8 pm Apollo’s Mia Adam’s That Time of The Month Show Sunday 25th 8 pm Apollo’s Barbra Seville’s TTotM with Lucinda Holliday Third Saturdays 1:00p Cruisin’ 7th Native American Revue 1st & 2rd Sundays 12:30p Cruisin’ 7th Sunday Morning Madness Sundays 8:30p Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot & Friends Sundays 10:30p Karamba Galilea’s Show To add your drag event, e-mail dates, times, locations & pics to kbushaw@me.com Included events must be 1) Charity Benefit OR 2) Located at an ION Arizona Advertiser 28

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Arizona Derby Dames Live fast, die pretty! If you love bank-tracked style roller derby and watching teams of bloodthirsty go at it with lots of no-holds barred punching, kicking and screaming, then this is for you! Watch our very own Arizona Derby Dames go at it! See The Runaway Brides vs. The Bombshells and The Schoolyard Scrappers vs. The Coffin Draggers. Doors open at 6 p.m., bouts start at 7 p.m. It all happens at the Veteran’s Memorial Coliseum at 1826 W. McDowell Rd. Check out AZderbydames.com

Cornfest

You call it corn. We call it maize. But everyone can get into Cornfest just up the road in Camp Verde! You’ll enjoy bluegrass music, a corn eating contest, hog calling, oldfashioned games, cow pie throwing, vendors, a corniest joke contest, and more! It’s all free, from 5-10 p.m., or call 928567-0535 ext. 135 or visit www.cvaz.org for details.

Nat’l. Cowboy Day Giddyup out to the town of Superior for this all-American event! See the Parade of the Vaqueros, come to cantina Tequila tasting, a Mexican marketplace & fiesta, enjoy Mexican dances, food & entertainment. Call 520-689-0200 for details.

Another event is held 5 miles north of Apache Junction including parades, a mustache contest, poker tournaments, shootouts, fast draw competition, cowboy balladeers & poets, Mexican dances & fiestas, and more, free, 10 a.m.-5 p.m. Call 480-982-3141 or go to www.apachejuntioncoc.com for info.

July 2010 ION around town listings

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DATE

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Frontier Days Parade Fourth of July Summer Spectacular Artwalk Prowl & Play at the Phoenix Zoo Arizona Derby Dames - Veteran’s Coliseum 19th Annual Cornfest Nat’l. Day of the Cowboy

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Prescott Valley wide Scottsdale Phoenix Phoenix Camp Verde Apache Jctn, Superior

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Justin Bieber Canadian mop-top tween-sensation Justin Bieber takes Phoenix by storm in a cloud of Axe Body Spray.

Join thousands of screaming little girls and see what all the fuss is about before he hits puberty and causes a tabloid scandal when he makes a porno. The child performs on Sunday, July 25 at the Jobing.com Arena, 9400 W. Maryland Ave. in Glendale. For tix call 800-745-3000 or go to www.ticketmaster.com

Lady Gaga One of Time magazine’s most influential people hits the blazing hot pavement of Phoenix for a little Bad Romance for all you Boys, Boys, Boys! And girls, too. US Airways Center, 201 E. Jefferson St. SOLD OUT.

Adam Lambert American Idol’s bad (lady)boy struts into town armed with Mabelline Great Lash Mascara and a tube of CoverGirl WetSlicks lip gloss for his Glamnation Tour. It’s all for your entertainment on Sunday, August 1 at the Marquee Theatre, 730 N. Mill Ave. in Tempe. Phone: 480-829-0707 or visit www.luckymanonline.com for tix.

july 2010 ION Concert Calendar DATE ARTIST / EVENT LOCATION

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Big Bad Voodoo Daddy Talking Stick Resort 480-854-7334 Cheap Trick Talking Stick Resort 480-854-7334 Kings of Leon Cricket Pavilion 602-254-7200 Mitzi Gaynor Wild Horse Pass Casino 877-840-0457 Rockstar Energy Mayhem Festival Cricket Pavilion 602-254-7200 LeAnn Rimes Celebrity Theatre 602-254-7200 Robert Plant & Band of Joy Dodge Theatre 602-379-2888 Elton John Tucson Convention Center 800-745-3000 Ke$ha Live Marguee Theatre 480-829-0707 REO Speedwagon & Pat Benatar Dodge Theatre 602-379-2888 Justin Bieber Jobing.com Arena 800-745-3000 Barenaked Ladies Dodge Theatre 602-379-2888 Lady Gaga US Airways Center 800-745-3000 Adam Lambert

Marquee Theatre July 2010

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July 2010

by Jackson David Kelly jacksonkelly@cox.net

Yo, DJ! What’s New? In addition to these great finds, check out new albums from Dream, 3OH!3, Sting (classical) and M.I.A.

Kylie Minogue

Aphrodite Kylie’s eleventh album shines brightly and proves to be her most dance ready since Light Years and her most commercial since Fever. Produced by Stuart Price, this album is very much like Madonna’s Confessions – it works as one piece with no true ballads. First single “All the Lovers” bleeps its way into your hearts with an amped up “I Believe In You” feel while the title tracks proves most bold, gritty and brave; something X aimed to be. However, the true standout song is “Get Out Of My Way.” It shimmers and resonates with a sexy classic disco feel that only Kylie can be known for.

Scissor Sisters

Night Work Four years later, Jake Shears and company are still trying to bring sexy back to your stereo. In their latest release Night Work takes you back to NY in the early 80s when the club scene was hip and campy. This is most prevalent on their first single and most commercial to date, “Fire with Fire.” It starts off with a patter and ends with a thunderous storm much in the way U2’s “Beautiful Day” was conceived. The album gets great support from the pure disco “Invisible Light,” the “Filthy/Gorgeous” title track as well as “Running Out” and “Skin Tight.” This is Adam Ant meets Elton meets Bowie/Queen – very GLAMtastic.

Kelis

Fleshtones This “Bossy” artist most know for her “Milkshake” is shaking it up on her newest release with an album full of innovative tones, electronica beats all while working her usual bouncy and infectious sound. Lead track “Acapella” is one of the freshest cuts to appear on radio in years and becomes this album’s instant hook. Then there are “Home” and its Goldfrapp-ish undertones and “Scream” – a jam that resembles Ida Coors’ “Let Me Think.” It’s Guetta mixed with Gaga mixed with techno done in a current style all while sounding smart. Truly a breath of fresh air.

Chicane

Giants Chicane’s fourth full length sees international release and brings his fans full circle to the roots of his career. The first single “Middle Distance Runner” featuring vocals from Owl City starts with Chicane’s typical moving piano riffs and builds into a full exhale of wondrous beauty. Then there’s the anthemic “Come Back” with its BT-esque vibe and an edgy, almost breakbeat-ish undertone. Other tracks of note include “Titles” and “Barefoot,” both of which exude his Offshore years that are epic, moving and just plain awe inspiring.

In other music news, Guetta and Rowland are teaming up again for a full album of “When Love Takes Over” floor-fillers in September. Lead track “Commander” is already bubbling under and looks to bring this ex-Destiny’s Child back to diva stardom.

And speaking of Guetta, those craving for the recently recorded Madonna/Guetta track will be saddened to know it will never see a ray of light due to label complications. Such a waste! Until next month …

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PARTY CAM

Photos by Carlos Silva 36

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ANT

by Deon Brown photo

by Devin Dygert 38 www.IONAZ.com 38

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opular comedian and performer ANT appeared as a contestant, judge and guest on The Last Comic Standing, VH1’s reality competition Celebrecadabra, game show To Tell The Truth, CNBC’s Dennis Miller as well as The Tonight Show, The Howard Stern Show, and many others.

Born Anthony Steven Kalloniatis from Greek parents, (“Look, people are not gonna be very big on Greek people right now,” says his mother. “so if anybody asks, tell them we’re Persian.”) ANT took time to chat with ION Arizona about his career, his phobias, who he hates, and who he loves, and his neighbor, Johnny Depp.

ION: You hosted Celebrity Fit Club and The U.S. of ANT on the LOGO channel.

What’s in the future?

ANT: I just did a documentary that they’re airing on Showtime called I Am Comic - it’s about comedians, why we do what we do, how we got there. It’s really entertaining and fun. I’m a regular on The Tyra Banks Show and I just did her final week. Then I have some shows we’re developing right now.

They seem to come in blitzes. I’m always on those VH1 shows and E! shows where they’ll show a clip and have the comedians comment. I’m working on a book, too.

ION: You’ve been the spokesman for NutriSystem. What do you miss eating?

ANT: Food. People always asked me, “What’s your favorite food?” I said, “Yours.

photo by Sylvia Hantzes

Whatever you’re eating is better than whatever I had.” I love NutriSystem. And they’re not even paying me anymore.

Love it.

ION: You have coulrophobia; you’re afraid of clowns. What else scares you?

ANT: Deathly afraid of clowns. Why? Are you gonna send me a picture of a clown?

The other one is more of an O.C.D. thing – I won’t walk on dry dirt. Mud I don’t have a problem with. If you watch old episodes of Celebrity Fit Club I’m always standing on turf or walkways that they constructed for me because I wouldn’t walk on dirt.

ION: Are you held to a different standard as a Gay comedian?

ANT: I don’t really look at myself as a Gay anything, I’m just me. Does that make any sense? I’m not a Gay performer, I’m just a performer who happens to be Gay. So am I held to a different standard? I don’t think so. But I do get a lot more leeway with things that I can do and get away with on stage. I can say shit Straight performers cannot. I can say the “C” word. That’s a great plus! “Commitment” – nobody can say that!

ION: Is there a future for Gay stand up comedy?

ANT: There is a future. There is that whole cottage industry and I go in and out of it. I perform at a lot of events that are strictly Gay events. You target your audience, and that’s great, but not everybody in that niche is all about “just Gay,” so you have to have material that spans other things. If everything you talk about is Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay, then you’re gonna get to a point where it’s done it all, seen it all.

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ION: How many sweaters do you own?

ANT: Summer sweaters or winter sweaters? We’ll say 400. Why? How many do you own? I live in LA! Why do I have so many sweaters? You know why?

Because when you’re a fat kid, they hide.

And because I’m cheap, I don’t throw shit away.

ION: What inspires you?

ANT: People. And God. Chocolate. A huge penis. That always makes me pray!

ION: What tickles your funny bone?

ANT: My dog. He’s such a goof! He is so funny! My parents have a dog that’s half Cocker Spaniel and half Maltese. So I call her a Cock-Tease, right? Isn’t that true?

ION: Who would you push down a flight of stairs and why?

ANT: Glenn Close, because she’s a cunt.

Absolutely. Augh! The biggest one on the planet! I was on a red carpet – you know, I used to work for Dennis Miller and HBO; they wanted this wacky guy on the carpet – I was starting to get known and all these stars loved me - so Debra Messing just left and I go, “Glenn! Glenn!” and she walks over and I said, “You and I have a friend in common: Judy Gold.” She goes, “I don’t know Judy Gold. Tell I her I said, ‘hello,’” and she walks away before I could get another question out. So it’s my life’s mission to always tell people that story. I was gonna bring it up, actually, if you didn’t ask! (laughs) ION: What can we expect at your show at The Comedy Spot?

ANT: You’re gonna see a different side of me. Comedians rarely ever get serious.

I’m not gonna get serious, but I’m gonna

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talk about subjects that typically most people don’t find humor in. For example my partner passed away, and it’s a very funny story how everything ended up.

And there’s a dead cat at the end of it.

ION: If you were a superhero, what would your superpowers be?

ANT: Oh! Fart Force Field! Nobody would be able to penetrate them. Your eyes would water, you couldn’t even get near.

Your skin would start to evaporate. I would want a Fart Force Field.

ION: Do you love Lucy?

ANT: Of course! Vita-meata-vegamin!

“Do you poop out at parties?” She was such an amazing talent. She gave so much to Gays. We’re the only ones who seem to remember her! I think she’s brilliant.

ION: What part of LA do you live in?

ANT: I live downtown. Honey, like, people are stabbed outside my door. People ask where and I say, “Third crack den on the left.” Not really. I live in a great building.

Johnny Depp lives in the penthouse.

I’ve seen him a few times. He’s ... uh ... homeless looking. (Pauses) Are you in love with me?

ION: Isn’t everybody?

ANT: No, not really. You are so sweet. I just wanted a man to say “I love you,” to me.

You’ll love ANT. Catch his humor at The Comedy Spot Comedy Club in Scottsdale on July 30, 31 & August 1.

Friday and Saturday shows are at 8 and 10 p.m. and Sunday show is 7 p.m.

7117 E. 3rd Ave. Phone: 480-945-4422.

Visit www.thecomedyspot.net for details and to purchase tickets.

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Thompson Image Ad IO#B93FEB.pdf

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Headshots Portraits Editorial Lifestyle Families Children Events Interiors Architectural

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Contact Don Thompson at 602-418-2262 dthompson@thompsonimage.com Stephanie Heymann at sheymann@thompsonimage.com www.thompsonimage.com

Daman Wayans The comic actor who brought the flamboyant, flaming, fey and very, very funny “Blaine Edwards” to life from In Living Color’s “Men on Film” comes to the Tempe Improv to market his own, special, no-holds barred comic genius. We give him two snaps up in a “Z” formation. July 22-25 at the Tempe Improv, 930 E. University Dr. 480-921--9877

ANT Contestant, guest and judge of The Last Comic Standing and his own show, U.S. of ANT on the LOGO channel, and host of Celebrity Fit Club, the out, open and downright funny ANT brings his own quick wit, zany sense of humor and observations to The Comedy Spot Comedy Club in 7117 E. 3rd Ave July 30-Aug 1 or check him out at www.antcomic.com

NPR’s “WireTap” Live Celebrated writer and NPR personality Jonathan Goldstein brings his weekly WireTap radio show to the Valley. The comedy show features Goldstein engaging in intimate and often hilarious telephone conversations with people in his life. Catch it July31st 2010 at the Mesa Arts Center, 1 E. Main St. Phone: 480-6446500 or visit www.mesaartscenter.com

july 2010 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE EVENT Mon. Comedy Night at...

Tues.

Comedy on Tap Wed./Thurs. Comedy on Tap 9-8/1 The Wedding Singer thru 10 Forever Plaid thru 11 Agnes of God 14 Stage Time 16-18 Brad Williams 22-25 Daman Wayans thru 25 Art 30-8/1 ANT 30-8/1 Josh Blue 31 NPR’s “WireTap” Live

LOCATION

The Turf, Downtown Phoenix Plazma The Hidden House Scotts. Desert Stages Theatre Hale Center Theatre Scotts. Desert Stages Theatre Tempe Improv Comedy Spot Comedy Club Tempe Improv Scotts. Desert Stages Theatre Comedy Spot Comedy Club Tempe Improv Mesa Arts Center

PHONE 602-296-5043 602-266-0477 602-266-1763 480-483-1664 480-497-1181 480-483-1664 480-921-9877 480-945-4422 480-921-9877 480-483-1664 480-945-4422 480-921-9877 480-644-6500

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GUARANTEED ISSUE!

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by Kimberly M. Ruff kimberlymruff@yahoo.com

Movie Previews There are few things in this world that we can count on to be consistent – even loved ones who we could set a watch by sometimes surprise us with their unexpected quirks.

But at least we have death, taxes, and …

Hollywood. Ever faithful to the time-tested and approved storylines of old, there’s nothing new under the sun. Even when the characters involved are Lesbians.

The Kids are All Right Starring:

Julianne Moore, Annette Bening, Mia Wasikowska, Josh Hutcherson, Mark Ruffalo SPOILER ALERT! Cowritten and directed by Lisa Cholodenko, The Kids are All Right is a romantic comedy starring Julianne Moore as Jules and Annette Bening as her life partner, Nic. Together, they have mothered and raised two children – Joni (Wasikowskia, Alice in Wonderland) and Laser (Hutcherson) with the help of an anonymous sperm donor. When Joni turns 18 she is cajoled by her brother into finding out who fathered them. This leads to Paul. Paul (Ruffalo, Shutter Island) is the quintessential “cool guy” – a restaurant owner who is equally curious to discover his donation led to the creation of two lives. Integrated into their unorthodox home, Paul throws a wrench into the works – both “maritally” and “cinematically.” That is to say, one of the Lesbian partners in this middle-aged couple suddenly discovers she’s no longer Lesbian and Paul was what she was looking for this whole time. Once again, Hollywood misses the mark – a film that could have

been a healthy depiction of a gay couple as dedicated partners and parents once again devolves into the old standby “you’re only a lesbian because you haven’t met the right man.” Right on, Tinsel Town! Way to fail!

Release Date: July 9, 2010.

The Last Airbender

Starring: Noah Ringer, Nicola Peltz, Jackson Rathbone, Jessica Jade Andres, Dev Pate In an unexpected twist, M. Night Shyamalan (Lady in Water, The Sixth Sense), takes a break from crafting an original screenplay to bring you the cinematic version of the 2005 TV Series, Avatar: The Last Airbender.

Newcomer Noah Ringer plays the 12-year-old Aang, the last remaining hope in a world overridden by destruction and chaos. Harmony is established by the balance struck by the four nations that control their respective elements – Earth, Air, Fire, and Water – and the Avatar, a young boy who can manipulative all four. When the Avatar appears to die, the Fire Nation uses the opportunity to declare global war in a bid to build their empire. In classic sci-fi/fantasy style, only one person is capable of liberating the Avatar and restoring order – a young boy who must somehow harness his untapped potential courtesy of some seriously kickass montages so that he can rise to his full potential at an accelerated rate and save the day. Now, the only remaining question is: will the typical formula of “he makes it!” stand up to the challenges wrought by having M. Night “There’s a Twist” Shyamalan at the helm?

The suspense is killing me! Release Date: July 2, 2010.

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by Wes Bergman wesobergman@yahoo.com

DVD Movie Review Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog

Starring: Neil Patrick Harris, Nathan Fillion, Felicia Day Joss Whedon, the creative force behind such cult-hits as Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Firefly, brings you his webbased tragicomic musical sensation, Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, to Blu-Ray. Starring the multi-talented Neil Patrick Harris as Dr. Horrible, the 44 minute musical gives a human element to a quintessential “bad guy” by highlighting Dr. Horrible’s difficulty reconciling his unrequited love for the lovely do-gooder Penny (Day), with his burning desire to get inducted into the Evil League of Evil. Nathan Fillion, known best perhaps as Malcolm Reynolds from Firefly, co-stars as Captain Hammer, Dr. Horrible’s arch-nemesis and competitor for Penny’s affections. If you’ve never had the pleasure of seeing this short film, I strongly recommend it. The soundtrack alone, composed by Joss Whedon and his brothers Zack and Jed, is worth discovering.

Truth be told, I have the whole thing on my iTunes and find to my constant amusement and delight, that I do, indeed, sing-along.

The Blu-Ray edition comes complete with the original short film, as well as special features, including bloopers, Easter eggs and Commentary! The Musical.

marriage, Proposition 8 passed, asserting the definition of marriage as between a man and a woman only. It was a major upset for the GLBT Community and Civil Rights Activists across the nation, both, on a personal and political level. It was the first time in California’s history where civil rights were actively taken away from a group of citizens. In the compelling, heartrending documentary, 8: The Mormon Proposition, director Reed Cowan, explores the unprecedented financial and political influence of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in their effort to advance their own religious agenda. Among the many topics for consideration, 8: The Mormon Proposition, addresses the influence the church wields over its own congregation, the religious teachings that shape their hard-line stance on Gay marriage, and their history of hiding their religious agenda behind socio-political activism. Cowan, a former Mormon missionary, initially began his film as an exploration of Gay teen homelessness and suicide in Utah, but widened his focus to address how Mormon ideology fosters homophobia and contributes to such tragic effects. Praised by critics, this documentary is a must-see.

8 : The Mormon Proposition

Directed By: Reed Cowan, Narrated by Dustin Lance Black In November 2008, less than a year after California legalized Gay July 2010

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Gallo Blanco

Cock of the Walk at The Clarendon Cock-a-doodle-doo! It’s no secret that Gallo Blanco – that’s literally “White Cock” for most Gringos as well as Mexican slang for most of us living up here in El Norte – is the highly touted taste sensation in uptown Phoenix’s hip, urbane, boutique hotel, The Clarendon, where the elite can always be seen chicto-chic.

Foodies and fans of Doug Robson, the original chef at La Grande Orange, were excited to see him strike out on his own and forge his own destiny with a restaurant. Gallo Blanco, with it’s abbreviated but thoughtfully planned menu, is the result.

In the spirit of the whole nationwide “local” movement encouraging townfolk to buy, eat and drink locally, eschewing chains and “The Man” whenever possible, Gallo Blanco paid careful attention to the menu; produce, viands, meats and any other vittle you can think of comes from right around the corner. Maya’s Farm, Red Bird Farms, The Meat Shop, Love Grows, Schreiner’s Sausages and others provide the menu fare.

All fish purchased is ecofriendly, too.

served with a spicy side of Aji aioli sauce. Chip away at this for only $7.

Try the tacos! The Conchita features local pork marinated, slow-braised in achiote – a spice derived from ground seeds, orange, garlic and guajillo – a variety of pepper. The Carne Asada Beefe offers grilled ribeye with charred tomato salsa. Tender, and bursting with flavor. The Fish Taco is stuffed with a delicate white fish, iceberg lettuce rather than the ubiquitous cabbage, pico de gallo and guacamole. A Shrimp Taco and another of seasonal vegetables is available, too. Each taco is served in a soft, corn tortilla and priced around $2-$3. Fish is market price, of course.

Looking for a great

The menu is known for it’s brevity, but choice selection.

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deal? C’mon down for Taco Tuesday! Buy two get one free! You can’t beat that!

Or, choose from seven different tortas and burgers. The Naco Torta is a smash! Imagine grilled and shredded ribeye with charred tomato salso, fresh avocado and two over easy eggs served on a warm roll for $10. The two eggs topping it lend a wonderful farm-freshness to the beefy, tasty charcoal touched sandwich.

Four “especiales de la casa” are offered, including the popular 8 ounce Nueva York steak with mushrooms and onions for $15, an Old Mexico take on a New World favorite.

Don’t forget the Most Important Meal of the Day. Gallo Blanco serves Breakfast All Day with ten items to choose from. Rumor has it that the Chilaquiles Verdes with chicken, eggs sunny side up, queso oaxaco and green chile sauce is sufficient to start a revolution south of the border. Another popular choice with local muchachos y muchachas is the weekend brunch from 10 a.m.–12 noon.

Criticism? Cluck, cluck! Void of any real sound absorbent features, the tiny restaurant can play host to an earsplitting cacophony of conversation, too loud music, clatter in the kitchen and more. Even a little bit more thought and attention to slightly more imaginative decoration and a bit better art installed professionally (or evenly) would be appreciated in addition to a 50

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less offensive color scheme. I’m just sayin’ ...

Still, don’t let that distract you from the delicious fare at Gallo Blanco, chickens. Don’t stay “cooped” up. Get out of your barnyard and check it out.

Gallo Blanco

at the Clarendon

401 W. Clarendon Ave., Phoenix, AZ Phone: 602-274-4774 GalloBlancoCafe.com Hours: Sun-Thurs 8 a.m.-10 p.m.

Fri & Sat: 8 a.m.-11 p.m.

GAY-FRIENDLY RESTAURANT GUIDE

Acacia Cafe AZ 88 FEZ Hanny’s Hana Japanese Eatery Harley’s Bistro Mama Mia’s Mama Mia’s Mazie’s Mi Patio My Florist Cafe & Bar Pink Spot Switch Thai E-San Ticoz Z Pizza (Central Phx) Z Pizza (Downtown) Z Pizza (North Phx)

ADDRESS TYPE

PHONE

3701 E. Indian School - Phx 7353 Scottsdale Mall - Scotts.

3815 N. Central Ave. - Phx 40 N. 1st Street - Phx 7th Ave. at Missouri 4221 N. 7th Ave. - Phx 3937 E. Indian School - Phx 806 E. Indian School - Phx 4750 N. Central Ave. - Phx 3347 7th Ave at Osborn - Phx 534 W. McDowell - Phx 49 W. Thomas Road - Phx 2603 N. Central Ave. 616 W. Indian School - Phx 5114 N. 7th St - Phx 53 W. Thomas Rd. - Phx 111 W. Monroe St - Phx 1367 N.Tatum Blvd - Phx

602-956-0908 480-994-5576 602-287-8700 602-252-2285 602-973-1238 602-234-0333 602-508-0444 602-277-5512 602-274-2828 602-277-4831 602-254-0333 602-265-3889 602-264-2295 602-297-8888 602-200-0160 602-234-3289 602-254-4145 602-765-0511

Cafe American Moroccan Fusion Contemporary Japanese Italian Pizza / Carryout Pizza / Carryout Cafe/Bistro Mexican American Ice Cream/Coffee Cont. American Thai Caribbean Fusion Pizza/Subs Pizza/Subs Pizza/Subs July 2010

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Pride Gala

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John Waters Role Model Behavior

by Deon Brown

photos by Greg Gorman

John Waters, director,

writer, speaker and expert on anything and everything filthy and fabulous explores the world of celebrities and scallawags in his new book Role Models, where Waters examines icons and people he respects who helped shape his life and febrile imagination. Everyone from crooner Johnny Mathis to Comme des Garçons designer Rei Kawakubo to Baltimore’s fabled Lesbian stripper, Lady Zorro made an impact on pop culture’s celebrated “Pope of Trash.”

Mr. Waters spoke with ION Arizona about his idols, corruption, literature and vulgarity. Charming, insightful, smart and wickedly funny, John Waters shows that he is role model, too.

ION: I’m delighted to speak with you! You said that it’s never a good idea to make friends with the press or with fans, but I hope you’ll suspend that rule for a few minutes.

JOHN WATERS: That’s not what I meant, but then I can’t hang around with you, especially if you’re a book critic because it’s awkward! You have too much power!

Someone might love one of your movies then they don’t like the next one. I don’t know, I think really big critics shouldn’t be allowed to go to parties with people they write about.

ION: Well, I’m not a “really big critic.”

JW: (Laughs) Well, we’re not hanging out in a bar right now! We’re working now!

ION: Is there anything in the 21st century that you think might corrupt you?

JW: Well “corrupt” is an awkward word because I have a TV show called John Waters Presents Movies That Will Corrupt You but I meant that in a good way. I meant that I would show you works that might horrify you and change how you thought about other people but in my mind that’s good. The same way I use the words “trash” or “filth” or anything like that. They’re all used with irony but I don’t think there’s any irony in Role Models, really. All the people I write about – did they corrupt me?

Tennessee Williams did when I was a child, but I was looking for what some would call “corruption” but what – to me – I would call “creative freedom.”

ION: You confessed a passion for Johnny Mathis, The Wicked Witch of the West, Leslie Van Houten, Tennessee Williams and others. Is there anyone on the horizon who might be your role model?

JW: Certainly I’m always looking for that.

Every day of my life I’m looking for the next person who will inspire me to do something.

Off the top of my head, I can’t think of someone right now, today, that would be that because this isn’t something that changes daily. I mean, every person that I wrote about in the book, it kind of was about their whole life almost. Many of them are dead, or I knew of as a child. It’s not one thing that you do that inspires me. I wrote about the guy on the airplane that took a dump in First Class, but he didn’t inspire me; I was giving him an example as a bad pervert.

One thing can’t do it. It has to be a lifetime of achievement – or dis-achievement – or struggle, or great success that is sometimes harder for many people to endure.

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ION: Do you feel like a role model?

JW: I think I am, to some people. I call it “A Filth Elder,” but it’s the same thing. It’s different than in the old days when parents found their kids with my movies and they called the police; now they bring their kids to me and ask, “What do I do with ‘em?” I’m not bad in counseling kids. I taught in prison.

I would be a good shrink.

ION: What is your personal favorite John Waters film?

JW: Oh, I never have a favorite, really.

They’re all the same to me. You sort of root for the ones that maybe didn’t do the best.

Obviously Hairspray is the one that more people have seen everywhere in the world.

But I guess Cecil B. Demented because maybe it inspired kids to be radical again.

ION: I remember when Pink Flamingos was raided by the police at the Valley Art Theatre here in Tempe, Arizona.

JW: I remember that! And they arrested it [the film], right? I have the police report where the cop sat there and had to watch it and fill it out: “White female, sitting in playpen in girdle and bra,” then he says, “Man shows his – question mark – vagina” and then he “arrested” the movie. I told one censor, “That’s not a vagina – it’s a ‘cheater’ and a cheater is a fake vagina.” But they didn’t arrest people in the audience, did they? In the old days they used to always arrest the projectionist!

Some poor employee – he didn’t book the film – and then they would arrest the whole audience and take them away in a police bus. Now that is a movie going experience!

ION: In Pink Flamingos, Babs Johnson (Divine) campaigns to be the “Filthiest Person Alive.” Who is the “Filthiest Person Alive” today?

JW: It’s tough, you know. It would be hard.

There’s obvious things, people who are against AIDS research, that kind of thing.

No, today it would be hard because it would be accepted. You know, all reality television – they all look like the filthiest people alive to me. I can’t tell one from the other! I resisted, I know what the shows are about but I haven’t seen them because they seem like the opposite of role models; they’re laughing at people; they’re looking down on them.

They’re asking the home viewers to feel superior to the people on those shows and I don’t feel superior at all to my subjects. I feel they’re superior because they’ve had a more extreme life, a harder time, or effortless success – all the things I’ve never really had, really. I’ve never had to struggle like some of the people.

I’ve never had to get over something terrible that I did when I was young, like [Manson Family member] Leslie Van Houten. So all these things, to me, when there’s no clear answer are much more interesting than my life.

ION: Do you watch much television?

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JW: I watch almost no television.

The only show I’m watching now is Treme.

No, I think TV is for pornography.

to chance, either. No control freak lets his death go unplanned.

ION: Adult video arcades or ManHunt?

ION: Is there a difference between vulgarity and filth?

JW: I don’t do either. (Laughs) I think that I, personally, if I were in an arcade standing there where people would recognize me that would be rather embarrassing for both of us.

If someone said to me, “Gee, I love Female Trouble” it would put an end to the erotic charge of that event. Manhunt would be the same thing. If I had to put a personal ad I would put it in Box Office, the trade paper for Midwestern theatre owners: “Looking for insane usher with great bod that wants to rob the box office the first day of Harry Potter” and see what that gets.

ION: You’re obsessed with Rhoda Penmark, (actress Patty McCormack) of The Bad Seed. Is there a real life “Bad Seed” on the scene today?

JW: There isn’t today but the certainly will be. I don’t believe in the “Bad Seed” theory, that it’s your chromosomes and you’re born that way and it’s inheritable. That was a very 50s thing that made the movie feel socially redeeming. I don’t believe in that. I don’t believe in Original Sin, I believe that something causes everything that happens.

I’m not saying that they’re aren’t people that are psychos that should never get out of jail.

But does someone choose to be that? I’m not so sure. Choice is something that’s very important to me. I’m not so sure that even child molesters – thank God I’m not one!

What a horrible thing that would be! – but do they choose to be that? I think that they should be stopped, but I don’t know if they choose that.

ION: What would you like written on your headstone?

JW: Just “John Samuel Waters” and the day I was born and the day I died and I want the tombstone that’s exactly like [film director Pier Paolo] Pasolini’s. I don’t think eternity is time for a joke; it’ll get stale. I have it in my Will. I have my plot – I don’t leave that

JW: Yes, vulgarity, basically, is just bad taste when you spend too much money and you think it makes you look good when it makes you look horrible – that’s called a “Hair Hopper.” Bad taste, if it’s done with irony and it’s done in the arts, it is shading, it is coloring; it is a form of humor.

ION: You have over 8,000 books in your library. What are you reading now?

JW: I just started it; it’s called Inferno: A Poet’s Novel and it’s by Eileen Miles, one of my favorites.

ION: I read Holy Anorexia based on your recommendation.

JW: It delivers! You never knew how insane these people were, these saints! That’s why St. Catherine of Siena is a role model of mine! She’s one of the main reasons the Reformation happened! Think of that! That’s really famous!

ION: What do you think of Lady Gaga?

JW: I’m all for her success! Good for her!

She makes even Straight boys wanna be Gay. ION: If you were a superhero, what would your superpowers be?

JW: Obviously to cure diseases and to free people from the chains of their obsessions, but that’s awfully high minded ... I am a superhero! (Laughing) And I didn’t mean that with any kind of conceit! I just wanna get you to laugh!

You’ll laugh at the genius and wit of John Waters’ Role Models. Published by Farrar, Straus & Giroux. $25. 320 pages. Available at Root Seller, 4015 N. 16th St.

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flagstaff pride

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by Deon Brown

Jessica Wild Hot Child in the City

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“Wild thing. You make my heart sing.” The exuberant and sensational sentimental favorite Jessica Wild appeared on season two of RuPaul’s Drag Race. She charmed audiences with her humor, warmth, and heart while she amazed them with her appeal, talent and vivacity. Born José David Sierra in the commonwealth of Puerto Rico, Sierra’s “Wild Child” Jessica entered Drag Race at the urging of her friend, Esmeralda Irizarri, who taught him English in just about one month before the taping. When Jessica was eliminated from the contest she said in her farewell, “Thank you from the bottom of my heart.”

And what a big heart she has.

Now living in Boston, Jessica optimistically reflected upon her history, her recent success, her future, and shared her thoughts with ION. “Wild thing.

I think I love you. But I’ve gotta know for sure ...”

ION: When was Jessica Wild “born”?

Jessica Wild: When I was 19. I was in a dance company and I had to perform in a club with a lot of guys and just one girl. The girl quit so my friends said, “You are going to be the girl in the show.” At first I said no, then I said, “If you buy my wig, I’ll do it.” I did it and had a great time and decided I want to do this more. So when they asked me, professionally, “What’s your name?” I said, “Jessica Wild!”

ION: Is it true that Nina Flowers [finalist from Drag Race, season one] encouraged you to do drag?

JW: Yes, she said, “I think you can be a beautiful girl if you change some things,”

because at that time I was a mess! It was crazy, because I was not glamorous, but I entertained the people.

ION: Does Puerto Rican drag differ from mainland American drag?

JW: Yes. Very different. On the mainland you find a lot of comedy. More colorful drag.

In Puerto Rico right now I think everyone wants to be a lady; they are more cookie cutter. Some of the girls look similar, but very talented. A lot of dancers. They take it very seriously.

Here in the U.S.A. you can find a lot of trannies who look like beautiful ladies, and a lot of comedy.

ION: Tell us what you learned from your experience on RuPaul’s Drag Race.

JW: That I can do anything I want. I don’t need to be scared of anything. I have the power to be whatever I want. Really, that was a dream come true, because I made it. It’s not easy to be in that competition. All those challenges were, for me, amazing. In the end, I won. I won what I wanted.

ION: What does the future hold for Jessica Wild?

JW: I’m going to be a star! I’m going to do everything I want! I’m going to have my music, I’m going to be on TV, I’m going to help a lot of people make their dreams come true; I’m gonna do everything. I’m not going to stop. I think at the end I’ll say, “Okay, I did everything! I’m gonna die happy now!

I’m 100-years-old!” Maybe I’ll look a little bit different in drag then. (Laughs)

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Crotch Rockitt

Photos by Kevin Bushaw

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ION: Do you feel famous?

JW: I feel famous right now because a lot of people know me, it’s true. The people show me that. But I’m the same person as I was before and after the show. But for the people, now I’m a star.

Somebody they want to learn about. Some people cry. Some people want to kill me with kisses. Believe me, sometimes it’s like they’re going to kill you with a hug.

ION: If you were a superhero, what would your superpowers be?

JW: Wow, I think my heart is going to be my biggest power.

Making people love everybody. Like the Care Bears.

(Laughing) If I have that power then everybody’s going to love each other and it’s going to be perfect.

That’s what I feel. Really. I see a lot of people fight, I see a lot of pain. I see horrible things, and I think, “Wow. The world is not just the life that I’m living.” Others don’t have the life that I have and I want to give that to all those people. So if I have that power then maybe all those people are going to be happy.

Right now, I’m just working on that. Because maybe you feel bad, and you’ll see my show and you’ll forget everything and have a lot of fun! And I think I have a little bit of that power right now. I’m lucky. A lot of people love me and I have a lot of beautiful friends.

expect from Jessica Wild?

JW: A wild show with a lot of energy! People are gonna have a lot of fun. I love to perform – that’s why I’m a drag queen. I love to make people happy and have a lot of fun. I love the stage! I love to dance.

I’m going to be Jessica Wild, but with Lady Gaga’s style at the same time. But I’m not going to forget that I’m Jessica!

Catch the untamed Jessica Wild and her Puerto Rican diva girlfriends at “The Lady G After Party” presented by PHX Events Management on Saturday, July 31 at the Madison Event Center at 441 W. Madison.

Doors open at 9 p.m. For tickets visit www. phxevents.com or call 602-325-5005

ION: You’re performing at the “Lady G After Party.” What can the audience www.IONAZ.com July 2010

The

Volunteers of 1n10 Go GAGA

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by Don ThompsonMay

1n10 Program Director MICHEAL WEAKLEY

is ready for the Papa-Paparazzi in this hand made Jacket

by Natalia Acosta

L

ady Gaga exploded onto the music scene with her catchy tune “Just Dance” and since then she has gained worldwide attention on the music scene with her non-stop hits, her spectacular persona and her unique image.

Dominating both the charts and – it seems –the world, Gaga broke the mold as a talented musician and modern, pop cultural icon. With her theatrical, avant-garde looks and performances, she has taken the world by storm and from the looks of it, will remain the new pop princess for a long while.

Not only has Lady Gaga sold out arenas and topped the charts, but she’s also done significant work lobbying for GLBT rights. She unabashedly looks oppression right in the eye and fights it while she encourages her young fans to do the same, urging today’s youth to strive for individuality, selfexpression and being proud of who they are.

LADY | LILI

Rocks the classic GAGA Look in shades from Buffalo Exchange

This message also resonates as one of the main goals of the Phoenix non-profit GLBTQ youth group, 1n10.

The goal of 1n10 is to provide a safe environment for the Valley’s GLBTQ youth to promote a positive image and self-acceptance through life enhancing programs. The youth who utilize 1n10, ages 14 to 22, meet for weekly discussion groups covering a wide range of social, educational, health,

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“Just a second it’s my favorite song they’re gonna play,” it’s...

STACEY | JAY

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and community issues. 1n10 also offers resources for healthy living and making healthy choices and life decisions, as well as social networking opportunities appropriate for developing leadership skills and having a lot fun and making friends.

One of the upcoming annual events for 1n10 is the Outdoors Youth Leadership Camp – also known as “Gay Camp” – held in midAugust every year.

Various fundraisers will be scheduled leading up to the weekend where our GLBTQ youth will head up to Prescott for a life-changing weekend of wonderful and challenging activities that will forever be ingrained in their hearts and minds.

In celebration of Lady Gaga’s upcoming Phoenix appearance and the wonderful work that 1n10 does, ION Arizona has teamed up with a few of the 1n10 volunteers and staff to create a mind blowing photoshoot to celebrate, both, the inspirational fabulousness of Lady Gaga and the 1n10 youth.

For more information about 1n10 please visit www.1n10.org

CREDITS

Photos by Don Thompson Visit www.thompsonimage.com Photo finishing by Geoffrey Paris E-mail geoffreyparis@rocketmail.com Disco Stick courtesy of Robert Maynard Email rob0823@aol.com Special thanks Adriane Goetz Special thanks to Boom Boom LaRue’s Micheal’s Lady Gaga Jacket hand-made by Natalia Acosta Custom fashion and costume design services are available Visit www.italiarockscouture.com or call 602.486.7208 Additional costuming by Micheal, Lili, Kado, and Stacey Jay July 2010

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Vol. 4, Issue 4

JULY 2010

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

Solar Energy Plant Disaster.

Spills Sunshine Across Desert

OUTRAGEOUS!

TUCSON, Ariz.

– In the wake of British Petrolem’s Deepwater Horizon oil spill disaster in the Gulf of Mexico, environmentalists and the U.S. Department of Energy are reeling from a rupture of solar collectors at the Saguaro Solar Power Plant, 30 miles north of Tucson.

The plant features roughly fourteen acres of trough shaped mirrors of Concentrating Solar Power (CSP) which have ruptured, causing thousands andRESEMBLANCE thousands of ANY megawatts of sunshine to gush across the majestic Sonoran Desert of southern Arizona in a sunshine spill that continues to flow unless it is staved.

a rocket ship to the sun and turn off the sunshine.

I can’t suck it up with a straw. Unless it was orange juice. That’s kind of like liquid sunshine when you think about it.”

Experts say that the sunshine leak from the CSP could take centuries to clean up. The delicate ecosystem of the desert is threatened from the flood of sunshine pouring onto the desert floor. Plants are getting way too much photosynthesis. Nocturnal animals, like bats, owls, coyotes, kit foxes and other creatures who depend on the darkness for their activities may never recover. “We have no TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL idea how this will affect the area chupacabras, vampires and werewolves, either,” said another socalled “expert.”

Leaking Solar Collectors (top), the Sonoran

OUTRAGEOUS! Desert accumulates excess sunshine (center), Excess sunshine drips from a damaged desert tortoise (bottom).

Solar plant owner APS hope that the flow of sunshine which has poured out unchecked since June 16 will be repaired sometime in August.

OUTRAGEOUS! Pres. Barack Obama issued a statement from Tucson’s Holy Frijole Taco Shoppe and Empanada Emporium. “I can’t take

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

OUTRAGEOUS! Wonka Candy Factory Not So Sweet. Closes Doors “If kids had Cadbury, only learned to ENGLAND ‘Just Say No’ – Legendary to Everlasting chocolatier and Gobstoppers, confectioner Three-CourseWilly Wonka’s Dinner Gum, fabled factory Fizzy Lifting locked their Drinks, Laffy doors for the Taffy, Glumptious last time.

Overwhelmed ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLYGlobgobblers, ACCIDENTAL and Scarlet by Scorchdroppers skyrocketing and, of course, fines from the ScrumpOSHA diddlyumptious for safety violations, several lawsuits by the EPA for Bar, we wouldn’t be facing this,” said one investigator. running an unregulated and unmonitored chocolate river have put the “stop” in the A TV campaign has been mounted by the Everlasting Gobstoppers for the beloved DEA, showing a hot skillet frying an egg confectionary. with the voiceover: “This is your brain.

This is your brain on Kazoozles. Any Apparently “pure imagination” is questions?” regulated by the Food and Drug ANY TOTO THE TRUTH IS IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL ANYRESEMBLANCE RESEMBLANCE THE TRUTH TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL Administration. Officials confirmed Wonka, a British eccentric, is also being that Wonka’s undiluted formula has not investigated for creating an unsafe been evaluated and it is known to cause work environment and “employing” spontaneous, unprecedented weight gain, undocumented laborers with no record wild hallucinations, skin pigmentation of payroll, and no building permits or problems and emotional mood swings including violent tantrums. It is especially inspection reports for a glass elevator, or proper ventilating ductwork. Wonka could harmful to young children, the FDA not be reached for comment. claims.

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL July 2010 www.IONAZ.com 83

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OUTRAGEOUS! Knockers Up! It’s The Little Miss Hooters Pageant!

CLEARWATER, Fla. – Pageants define the public’s image of feminine beauty. Miss America, Miss USA and contests all over this great nation in each and every town, city, and state or avenue of commerce, suchRESEMBLANCE as corn, cotton ANY or motor oil has a fresh faced, winsome cutie to endorse it.

“My baby Kaitlyn is a natural winner for Little Miss Hooters,” said Barbara Jean O’Connor, or Pensacola, Florida.

“She’s can carry a tray with a pitcher and serve a platter of Hooterstizers Tater TRAGICALLYincluding ACCIDENTAL Tots, the 5 Wing Flappertizer and Fried Pickles. And that little girl’s almost an A-Cup with some duct tape! Not bad for 4-years-old.”

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! TO THE TRUTH IS

For many beauty queens, these contests start when they are toddlers.

Our Little Miss, Megan Arianna, 5, Living Doll, Sugar of Decatur, Georgia ‘n’ Spice, are all is a pageant pageants where little veteran. Her mother, girls can cut their teeth Darcy IS says, “I want ACCIDENTAL my little baby (whileRESEMBLANCE they’re cutting their teeth) with life TRUTH ANY TOTHE THE TRAGICALLY ANY RESEMBLANCE TO TRUTH IS Grainger TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL to have everything I didn’t have. If she can on the runway while their still in bedazzled grow up to be a real, live, genuine Hooters diapers and a toddler’s training bra.

Girl I’ll be proud. Just wait’ll you see what she’s got for Wow Wear. She’ll be dressed But get ready! Kiddie pageants have upped up like a precious 40-pound chicken wing! the ante! Move over, Miss Painted Baby!

Who can resist that?”

Make way for Little Miss Hooters! The popular bar and boozery featuring comely The first annual Little Miss Hooters Pageant college coed waitresses outfitted in the will be held this July 24 at the Hooters familiar tangerine “bootie” shorts and the Casino Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada. famous white tank top with an owl’s eyes peering through the double “o” of Hooters.

OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS!

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IONPHOENIX 1.

1.

Amsterdam Amsterdam

718 Central Ave. Phoenix (602)258-6122 258-6122 718 N.N.Central Ave.- Downtown - Downtown PHX (602)

2.

2.

Apollo’s Apollo’s

5749 N. 7th St. - Phoenix 5749 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

3.

3.

Babylon Showclub

4.

4.

5.

5.

6.

Bar 1

BS West

3708 N. 16th St. - Phoenix

3613 E Van Buren, Phoenix‎ 7125 E. 5th Ave. - Scottsdale

(602) 277-9373 (602) 277-9373 (602) 266-9001

(602) 306-1000‎ (480) 945-9028

Bar 1

3702 N. 16th St. - Phoenix

(602) 266-9001

BS West

7125 E. 5th Ave. - Scottsdale

(480) 945-9028

6.

7.

Bunkhouse Charlie’s

4428 Ave. - Rd. Phoenix 727 N. W. 7th Camelback - Phoenix

(602) (602)200-9154 265-0224

7.

8.

Cash Inn Cherry Bar

2140 Rd.Rd.- -Phoenix 1028E.E.McDowell Indian School Phoenix

(602) (602)244-9943 277-7729

9.

8.

Cherry Lounge Charlie’s

Every starting 11th - Mill Ave. in 265-0224 Tempe 727 W. Thursday Camelback Rd.January - Phoenix (602)

10.

9.

Cherry Bar

10.

11.

11.

12.

Cruisin’ 7th Club Vibe Dick’s Cabaret

3702 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

3432 E. Illini Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 274-DICK

12.

13.

FLEX Men’s Club Dick’s Cabaret

1517 S Black Canyon Hwy - Phoenix 3432 E. Illini Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 271-9011 (602) 274-DICK

13.

14.

Forbidden The Door

6820 Ave. -Rd. Scottsdale 1126E.N.5th Scottsdale - Tempe

forbiddenaz.com (480) 967-DOOR

14.

15.

Forbidden icepics videobar

6820E.E.McDowell 5th Ave. - Scottsdale 3108 Rd. - Phoenix

forbiddenaz.com (602) 267-8707

16.

15.

Homme Incognito

138 E. W. Thomas CamelbackRd. Rd. -- Phoenix Phoenix 2424

(602)955-9805 266-0875 (602)

17.

16.

Karamba

C

18.

17.

19.

18.

20.

Bunkhouse Cash Inn

The Chute Men’s Club Clarendon Hotel

Cruisin’ 7th

icepics videobar Incognito

4428 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

2140 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

1440 E Indian School Rd. - Phoenix

1028 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix 401 W. Clarendon Ave. - Phoenix 3031 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix 3702 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

3108 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

1724 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix 2424 E. Thomas Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 200-9154 (602) 244-9943

(602) 234-1654

(602) 277-7729 (602) CLARENDON

(602) 212-9888

(602) 224-9977 (602) 212-9888

(602) 267-8707

(602) 254-0231 (602) 955-9805

Kobalt

3110 N. Central Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 264-5307

Nu Towne

5002 E Van Buren St. - Phoenix‎

(602) 267-9959

19.

21.

OZ OZ

1804 Home - Phoenix (602) 1804W. W.Bethany Bethany Home Rd.Rd. - Phoenix (602)242-5114 242-5114

20.

22.

Paradise W.E.Osborn Phoenix Plazma Adult Boutique 130 1560 Osborn Rd. Rd. --Phoenix

(602) (602)266-5869 266-0477

23.

21.

Pumphouse II Plazma

(602)266-0477 275-3509 (602)

24.

22.

Pumphouse II

25.

23.

Rainbow Cactus

26.

24.

27.

Karamba Kobalt

Retro Bar The Rock Roscoe’s

The Rock Rainbow Cactus 25. Roscoe’s

1724 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix 3110 N. Central Ave. - Phoenix

4132E.E.Osborn McDowell Rd.- -Phoenix Phoenix 1560 Rd. 3114 E. Cactus Rd. - Phoenix

4132 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix 4129 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

15615 N. Cave Creek Rd. - Phoenix 4531 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

(602) 254-0231 (602) 264-5307

(602) 493-0355

(602) 275-3509 (602) 248-8559

(602) 867-2463 (602) 285-0833

4129 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 248-8559

4531 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

(602) 285-0833

15615 N. Cave Creek Rd. - Phoenix 2303 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 867-2463

28.

Velocity

26.

29.

Velocity

Wild Card

2303 Rd. - Phoenix 801 E. N. Indian Arizona School Ave. - Chandler

(602) (480)956-2885 857-3088

(602) 956-2885

27.

30.

Girl Club ZZGirl Club

4301N.N.7th 7th Ave. Ave. - -Phoenix

4301 Phoenix

(602)265-3233 265-3233 (602)

July 2010 www.IONAZ.com 91

IONBAR GUIDE SATURDAY

SUNDAY

Amsterdam

Amsterdam’s Signature Night Happy Hour 4-7pm

FRIDAY

Dance - No Cover! $3 Smirnoff cocktails until Mid.

Arts, Industry & ION VIP Night 1/2 price drinks *KARAOKE*

Apollo’s

Comedy Clips 6pm Karaoke 9pm

$1 Bud Light Drafts 2-8p Karaoke 9pm

$1 Bud Light Drafts 2-8p Male Strippers 10:30pm

Babylon

Friday Party with Destiny After Hours

BOYCOTT! Girls Night After Hours

Sunday 18 and over After Hours

Bar 1

Friday Happy Hour 4-7p 10a-4p $1.75 well/ bud draft

Saturday $2 dom bottle 6-9p 10a-4p $1.75 well/ bud draft

Shirtless Sun $1.25 Bud drft 10a-4p $1.75 well/ bud draft

BS West

FUBAR with Elements 9:45p $5 you call it drink & $3 beers

2-4-1 everything all night Go-go dancers - A new tradition

Karaoke 9pm $1 Miller Lite drafts

Charlie’s

$3 pitchers/2-4-1 well/dom 2-7p $1 Happy Hour 7-9p/Afterhours

$3 pitch./2-4-1 well/dom 12-7p $1 Happy Hour 7-9p/Afterhours

Volleyball 4-7pm, NEW 3-4-1 $3 Long Islands, $3 pitchers

Cruisin’ 7th

Fridays $2.50 well & domestic 2-7pm

Saturday $2.50 well & domestic 2-7pm

Sundays $2.50 well & domestic 2-7pm

Dick’s Cabaret

2-4-1 VIP Dances 7pm ‘til 9pm

Off the Hook Tons of Prizes & Giveaways

2-4-1 Cover Charge, Dances & VIP Wristbands

$3 Pomegranate Presses

$3 Bottle Beer & Tequila Shots

$3 Brunch Drinks 50% off bottles of wine

Forbidden

Crotch Rockitt

The Barbra Seville Show DJ Dancing

Sports Beer Bust Food specials Happy Hour

icepics

MEAT - Go Go Boys/Strippers $3 Wells, $4 Lng Isl., $2 Dom.

The Follies 10pm Great SKYY Drink Specials

Legendary Show Tunes Sunday $3 Wells/ $1.50 Drafts

R FEZ

Cruisin’ 7th | Plazma 4:30p - 7:00p | 10:30p - 1:30p

The Leathermen Fridays $4 Pitchers

Saturdays $4 Pitchers

Sundays with Galilea $3 pitchers

R Maizie’s

Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

Happy Hour Brunch 9a-2p 3-6pm Everyday

Brunch All Day

R Mi Patio

Fridays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Saturdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Sundays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

R My Florist Cafe

Fridays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Saturdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Sundays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Nu Towne

Fridays 9pm Mike’s in the House Pool Tour.

Saturdays Hot Men Hot Music & $1.25 shot special

Sundays 2pm-2am Our Famous $1 Beer Bust/BBQ

Pumphouse II

Bottoms Up Fridays 2-4-1 all drinks

Hot Bodz Male Revue Hosted by Savannah

Sundays Happy Hour All Day!

The Rock

Karaoke @ 10 Poker @ 7 $5 Martinis 7pm-midnight

Diamond Dolls Mya McKenzie $4 Bomber/$3.50 3 Olive Drinks

Rock your Funday Sunday Tea dance, DJ, specials, food

R Roscoe’s*

All Star Grill Specials Great Happy Hour

All Star Grill Opens at 11am

$8 Sunday Brunch $8 Long Island Pitchers

R Switch

Fridays Open from 11am-Midnight

Saturday Open from 11am-Midnight

Sundays Open from 11am-Midnight

R Ticoz

Fridays Open from 11am-Midnight

Saturday $1 brunch drinks Open from 11am-Midnight

Sundays $1 brunch drinks Open from 11am-Midnight

Karamba

R

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* LIMITED MENU/TIMES

www.IONAZ.com July 2010

FREE PROJECT HARD HAT CONDOMS

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

Martinis & Manicures $5 Martinis

MONDAY

Arts, Industry & ION VIP Night 1/2 price drinks

College Night 1/2 price drinks with student ID

Divas Live! $3 Diva Shots during the show

Drag Bingo 2 for 1 U Call-It Open-Close

‘Tini Tuesdays 2-4-1 Call Martinis Open-Close

Happy Hour 8am-8pm $2.75 well & dom.

Karaoke 9:30pm Happy Hour 8-8 $2.75 well/dom

Monday Open Mic Night $3 Smirnoff Martinis

Country Night $2 Beers All Night

Wednesday Dance Party $2 Babylon Shots All Night

Thursday Dance Party $2 Babylon Shots All Night

Monday $1 Bud Lt. Drft 4-cl.

10a-4p $1.75 well/ bud draft

KAROKE $2.50 wel, dom 10a-4p $1.75 well/ bud draft

$1 OFF in your undies/leather 10a-4p $1.75 well/ bud draft

Thursday 2-4-1 U Call It 10a- cl 10a-4p $1.75 well/ bud draft

W.H.O.R.E. Service Industry $2 dom $3 well $4 bombers

Community Benefit/Fundraiser Book you event @ bswest.com

2-4-1 All Day and All Night A valley tradion!

Karaoke 9pm $2 drafts

Underwear Party 8-cl 1/2 price 2-8pm $3 pitch. 2-4-1 well/dom

2-8p $3 pitch./2-4-2 well/dom 8p-Close 2-4-1 cocktails/dom

2-8p $3 pitch./2-4-1 well/dom 8p-close $3 Pinnacle

2-4-1 All Day! Cocktails and beer

Mondays 2-4-1 Well 7pm-9pm

Tuesdays 2-4-1 Well 7pm-9pm

Wednesdays 2-4-1 Well 7pm-9pm

Thursdays 2-4-1 Well 7pm-9pm

2-4-1 Cover Charge, Dances, VIP Wristbands

Amateur Night Starts at 10pm

S.I.N. Bring Your Dancer ID and get VIP Pricing

Hot Studs All Night Long $5.00 Off with VIP Keychain

$3 Burgers $3 Margaritas

‘tini Tuesdays $3 Martinis

$20 Any Bottle of Wine and small plate

$3 G Spots

Closed Mondays Open Tuesday-Sunday 4p-2a

Happy Hour 3-7pm Karaoke w/ Brad 9pm

Happy Hour 3-7pm Showroom Trivia 7pm

Inferno Party 18+ Hotspot

Comedy Night 2-4-1 well / beer (8p-2a)

Mustache Ride First Tuesday 2-4-1 well / beer

Karaoke $4 martinis & Lng Isl. $3 Well/$2 Domestic Bottle

HOT ASS Best ass wins $100 2-4-1 well / beer (8p-2a) Cruisin’ 7th 10:30p - 12:30p

Charlie’s 10:00p- 1:00a

Thursdays with Ruby & Tyra $2 drinks all night

Closed

Tuesday with Grecias $2 Drinks All Night

$3 Bistro Burgers $10.00 off of all Bottled Wines

Tuesday Night Fish & Chips Wednesday BBQ Short Ribs Selected Beers $3 Starts @ 5pm Selected Beers $3 Starts @ 5pm

Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

Mondays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Tuesdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Wednesdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Thursdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Mondays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Tuesdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Wednesdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Thursdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Get Your Wood Here!

2x4 happy hour all day/night

Bust a Beer Nut $1 draft & $1 hot nuts

Wednesdays $3 well margaritas 9pm-2am

Singin in the shower w/ Mr. Karaoke 8pm-mid

Mondays 2-4-1 7-close

Tuesdays Dart tournament

Wednesdays 2-4-1 well & domestic

Hot Bodz Male Revue Hosted by Savannah

Lady’s Night Free pool $1 Miller Lite Drft, $4.50 Bomb.

Guys Night Out Happy hour all day long

Industry Night $2 Well & Domestic $3 Bombs

Poker Night $3.50 Long Islands $1 Off Draft Pitchers

Monday Pool Tournament

2 for Tuesdays 2-4-1 drinks all day

Wednesday All Day Happy Hour

Thursdays 2-4-1 7pm

Mondays Open from 11am-Midnight

Tuesdays Open from 11am-Midnight

Wednesdays Open from 11am-Midnight

Thursdays Open from 11am-Midnight

Mondays Open from 11am-Midnight

Tuesdays 11am-Midnight

Wednesdays 11am-Midnight

Thursdays 11am-Midnight

Wednesdays with Diamond $2 Drinks All Night

ION ARIZONA

94

www.IONAZ.com July 2010

by Addison DeWitt

Butterflies and kittens! Glitter and rainbows! Cupcakes and daisies! And an occasional tarantula or gila monster just to mix things up. Okay, okay. I’m a mean, heartless, selfish monster.

Maybe my purple prose ruffles a few feathers here and there.

One contingent says, “We like it when you’re snarky.” Another faction gets all butt hurt when someone’s called on the carpet.

Listen, I’m just putting in print what I’ve heard others say, too. I’m not the only one! It just goes to prove that you can’t run with the rabbits and hunt with the hounds, too.

Another follicularly focused philanthropist is that dashing Latin American Hearththrob, Gilbert Gamboa (pictured top left) who recently joined the ranks of the Bald and the Beautiful. Gilbert’s darling beau Jess Williams (pictured top right) shaved El Guapo Gamboa’s head for Bic4Good.com, who made a donation of $444 to dosomething.org to, well, do something. About what, I’m not really sure, but it’s goal helps to empower a generation of doers who rock causes they care about. You can see actual video footage of Gilbert’s close shave on YouTube.

Bravo to Gilbert!

Now, if you’ll just save me a lock of your gorgeous, wavy, raven locks for my hope chest, I’ll be a happy man.

“Hair today, gone tomorrow!”

Talk about flipping your wig! It seems like the fashionable thing to do these days is to mow your locks off for a cause. Beth Benjamin was shorn of her tresses at the Rainbow Cactus cocktail lounge along with other patrons. After two hours and eight haircuts or so (and God knows how many martinis under their belts!) big hearted patrons raised $515.

Not a bad evening and the money went to the National Wildlife Foundation to help protect the birds and other members of the animal kingdom Down South who’ve been harmed and threatened thanks to the good folks at British Petroleum and that pesky little oil “spill” that occurred. Maybe you’ve heard of it?

On the subject of doing good deeds, that tall, dark and oh-so-soso-sooo handsome bicycling benefactor and also the (take a deep breath) Director of Men’s and Youth Programs at Southwest Center for HIV/AIDS (exhale) Tyler TerMeer (pictured center) pedaled all the way from Mecca – that’s San Francisco, you know – to Los Angeles on a seven day, 545 mile on the AIDS/Lifecycle Ride to End AIDS. Imagine! Tyler did this! Wearing a skimpy pair of hot, sexy spandex shorts, no less! Now if that isn’t something to feed your fertile, febrile little imaginations, you must be made out of stone.

July 2010

www.IONAZ.com 95

by Addison DeWitt

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall ... who’s the Gayest one of all?” Are you a Pageant Queen?

You may want to enter the Queer of the Year contest in Montreal, Canada! This is worldwide – you don’t have to be a Canuck to enter! Contestants will be judged on personality, community involvement, sex appeal and, yes, talent. You have ‘til July 15 to submit a one minute video and an application to show the world that you’re Super Queer! Enter now at www.queeroftheyear contest.com. I think Dusty Brinsmade, and Nathan Gilligan should definitely represent. Get crackin’, kiddos!

This just in! Our very own Queen Barbra Seville will be leaving her desert palace while she’ll part of the the nationwide Queensrÿche Cabaret Tour with the eponymous heavy metal band. This tour promises to be the “first Adults Only rock show (21+)” featuring go-go boys and

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girls, burlesque dancers, jugglers, trapeze artists, contortionists and drag queens.

Just don’t let ‘em rope you into being part of a donkey show, honey. We’ll miss you! Come back soon! And with your hearing intact!

And our Party Penguin of the Month, about whom I have nothing but good things to say – and it’s just because I’m so goshdarn sweet, you’ll remember – is the irrepressible, unstoppable, and just plain supersexy Ryan Freeman, the man with legs that go on forever. Because, God, he’s a dancer! And a dancer dances!

When he’s not bartending at B.S. West it seems like he’s everywhere. Sometimes I’m not sure that he isn’t. He’s right up there with sunbeams, cookie dough and Care Bears! I ♡ Ryan!

Send Addison stories about your puppy, or why you like caterpillars and mittens!

Or better yet, a story – and a picture – about giving a BJ in the men’s room at a night club. Send these sweet memories to RumorHound@aol.com

July 2010

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Or it could be a torrid night of passion with someone who worships you from afar. So pay attention.

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22

Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23

Mayday! Mayday! it’s SNAFU: Systems Normal: All Fucked Up. Don’t go AWOL. If you’ll get in the trenches and follow orders you’ll find that everything’s A-OK in a week or two. Roger and out.

You’ve been a grasshopper and now it’s time to be the ant. Stop fooling around and get serious. Save up for something special and it’ll pay off. It may be anal bleaching, or it may be a vacation. Make your chocolate starfish vanilla, or go to Mexico. You decide.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Your recent good deed paid off! That old lady you helped across the street or the lost wallet you returned has given you bonus Karma points. Expect something fabulous soon! It might be a hamburger, or a new watch. But probably something in between.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Sometimes you have to grit your teeth and smile. This month you’ll do that a lot. But if it’s your birthday month, expect an old friend to show up you thought forgot. But who could forget you?

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22

You feel like you’ve landed in the Lost and Found Department lately. Don’t worry. You’ll be ready for Show and Tell soon. Is it your birthday? Your natural talent for storytelling will land the spotlight right on you. People will eat out of your hand.

Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22

Kiddo, it doesn’t take a crystal ball to let you know that if you dilly-dally too long you’ll miss a valuable opportunity. It could be a new job.

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Ju 2010

Pay attention. Keep your eyes on your own paper. Sit up straight. If you practice those Good Citizenship Skills your teachers taught, you’ll be amazed when they actually come in handy and you are rewarded.

People are convinced that everything you do is done with smoke and mirrors. This month it’s time to shine and prove that you’re the real deal. Abracadabra! Presto change-o! Is it magic? No, it’s just you! You’re that good.

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23

You might be new in town, or you may be an old war horse, but it doesn’t mean that people take you for granted. You’ll be surprised when you learn you made a difference to someone recently. You’re practically a saint!

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20

Forget the salad. Eat the cookie. And the cake. And the pie. Quit denying yourself something you want and deserve. Okay. So you’ll gain a pound or two. You look good with a little meat on your bones.

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

You opened your big mouth last month and now it’s time to pay the piper. Say you’re sorry now, even though you’re not. You will be vindicated next month when everyone realizes you were right in the first place. You usually are.

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

You know those old MGM musicals where everything is perfect? This month is like that.

Parking places magically appear! You never have to wait in line! If you sing an entire chorus will accompany you. And you get the boy at the end. Or the girl. Whichever.

July 2010 www.IONAZ.com 99