ION Arizona #165

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BEARRACUDA

THE ROCK

Photos by Franklin Diaz 6

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RESURRECTION

THE PRESSROOM

Photos by Franklin Diaz 12

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3819 North 3rd Street Suite 26, Phoenix, AZ 85012 (602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com ionarizona@me.com Publisher / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero ............................................ jacktesorero@me.com

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ..................................................... kbushaw@me.com Editor Deon Brown ................................................... ionazeditor@me.com COPY EDITOR .......................................................... Austin Head GRAPHIC DESIGNER ......................................... Angel Jimenez SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR ..................... Stacey Jay Cavaliere PRODUCTION & Artwork SUBMISSIONS

ionazproduction@me.com Advertising Sales Jack Tesorero, .......................................................... (602) 750-1164

jacktesorero@me.com

Danny Catt, Regional Sales Director ......................... (520) 429-5905

ionazsales@me.com

Photographers:

Fernando Hernandez Scotty Kirby

Franklin Diaz Sean Kapera

National Advertising Representative Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 ContributORS:

Stacey Jay Cavaliere Addison DeWitt C. Edwards Ted Kirby

Peter Lora Paul Sanchez Miss Tiger

Published monthly by

1995-2015: 20 Years of Design and Creative Excellence Š 2015 JMT Designs, Inc.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.

NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company.

Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

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The Journey Begins

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t’s never a dull moment in our community. Things change every day. The only thing that doesn’t change is our weather with the beginning of spring.

Here’s just a glimpse of just a few things happening in your Arizona community:

ION LGBT Day at the Renaissance Festival

Step back in time and join your friends in the community at the Renaissance Festival.

Enjoy hilarious shows, challenging feats of daring, delicious food and cold beer at the ION LGBT Day on Sunday, March 15.

Have Fun, Play Safe, Get Tested

This issue explores what it takes to stay sexually healthy. Get out, play, but be sure to play safe and if you’re sexually active, get tested often because syphilis is on the rise in Arizona. Don’t be a “One Night Stan!” Check out this informative report (with our own ION flair and sexy Wild Men of the West models) on page 66.

The Journey is Just Beginning

We’ve also got an interview with one of our favorites celebrities, the sexy gay rapper Cazwell, about his hot, new underwear line. Don’t forget the Pot of Gold concert in Tempe Beach Park, Pornopalooza at BS West, PBS station Eight’s “Check Please! Arizona” festival featuring local restaurants on March 22 at CityScape and so much more.

Now it’s up you to complete your journey by exploring ION. Read it, live it, be it. Have fun. And be safe!

Jack Tesorero Publisher

Jack M. Tesorero Great Outdoors Lover

Quick Health Fact:

Not just the scourge of kings and dictators. There was no cure for syphilis until penicillin was introduced in 1943.

Famous syphilitics include Henry VIII, Ivan the Terrible, Adolf Hitler, Franz Schubert, Vincent Van Gogh, Paul Gauguin, Beethoven, Al Capone, Leo Tolstoy, Idi Amin, Benito Mussolini, Napoleon Bonaparte, Howard Hughes, Oscar Wilde, Casanova–and One Night Stan. Yikes!

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Fantasy Fridays Sorry, gents ... step aside. It’s Ladies Night and the feelin’s right. It’s Ladies Night, and girl, the feeling’s good. It’s Arizona’s only exclusive night for women who love women. It’s “Fantasy Fridays!”

Enjoy drink specials while DJ Javin from Power 98 and Miss DJ MJ spin every Friday night starting with a fabulous Launch Party March 13th at AQUA Nightclub, 1730 E. McDowell Rd. (See ad on p. 15)

Mad Tea Party “You’d have to be half mad to dream me up!” Go down the rabbit hole to the Mad Tea Party at The Twisted Peacock, your friendly neighborhood gay bar! There’ll be drink specials (and it won’t be on Lipton’s Tea, honey) and those sexy go-go boys, the MadLadz. It gets curioser and curioser on 8 p.m. to close on Sunday, March 8 at 3108 E. McDowell Rd. in Phoenix. TwistedPeacockAZ.com (See ads on pp. 8-9)

Street Fair Showcase at IBT’s Join in the good times and fun of the 4th Avenue Spring Street Fair Weekend March 20-22 at IBT’s! You won’t want to miss out on karaoke, go-go boys, drink specials and more! Special guest star India Ferrah from Ru Paul’s Drag Race will be on hand for an evening of illusion and entertainment. IBT’s 616 N. 4th Ave. in Tucson.

520-882-3053 IBTsTucson.com (See ad on p. 99)

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Roscoe’s Chili Cook Off Chili Con Carne, Cincinnati Chili, Three Bean Chili ...

Got a secret recipe? It’s the annual Chili Cook-Off! This gastronomical gut bomb is guaranteed to set your tastebuds on fire! This mouth-watering event benefits the Cactus Cities Softball League on Saturday, March 21 from 12 noon-5 p.m. at Roscoe’s with awards for the Best Chili. 4531 N. 7th St. 602-285-0833. RoscoesOn7th.com (For more info to enter see ad on p. 34)

Pornopalooza 7 Lube up your tallywackers, boys! It’s the lecherous, libidinous, licentious and downright naughty Pornopalooza 7 featuring bossy bottom Trenton Ducati and other silver stars of XXX movies, plus Chi Chi LaRue as your DJ. FleshJack & DVD giveaways, too! Saturday, March 28 at BS West. 7125 E. 5th Ave. in Scottsdale. 480-9459028 BSWest.com (See ads on pp. 10-11)

MARCH 2015 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE

EVENT

LOCATION

CITY

Mondays Fridays 8 13 13 15 17 17 17 17 20-21 20 20 20-22 21 21 22 25 28 29

RuPaul’s Drag Race Party Fantasy Fridays (Ladies Night) Mad Tea Party Fantasy Fridays Launch Party Customer Appreciation Party Mr. BS West Contest St. Patrick’s Day Buffet St. Patrick’s Day Party St. Patty’s Day After-Party Patty’s Day Party Spring White Out Party Rumores del Norte Red Light Party Street Fair Showcase Masquerade Ball Chili Cook Off Amanda Miguel & Diego Verdaguer Wine Tasting Party Pornopalooza Social Sunday

Apollo’s & Kobalt AQUA Twisted Peacock AQUA Karamba BS West The Rock Charlie’s Dick’s Cabaret IBT’s Dick’s Cabaret Karamba The Rock IBT’s Karamba Roscoe’s Karamba Kobalt BS West Karamba

Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Scottsdale Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Tucson Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Tucson Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Scottsdale Phoenix

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Gay Skate Splash Bash Phoenix Pride Phoenix Pride Parade

Great Skate Wyndham Garden Steele Park 3rd Street

Glendale Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix

APRIL

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One n ten - FRESH BRUNCH

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CAMELBACK INN

Photos by Franklin Diaz

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KATHY GRIFFIN Gossip! Gab! Gays! Hollywood’s bad-ass blabbermouth blows into Phoenix for two nights of laughs ... and maybe a little love. But mostly laughs.

Everybody’s favorite (well, almost everybody’s. There’s a few holdouts) loudmouth, Kathy Griffin, clawed her way up to the top of TinselTown from her legendary “D-List.”

The unstoppable Kathy was inducted into the Guinness Book of World Records for writing and starring in an unprecedented 20 televised stand-up specials–more than any comedian in history.

New Year’s Eve belongs to the always unpredictable Kathy and her affable sidekick, CNN’s reporter Anderson Cooper. Censors keep their finger on the button when the red-headed chatterbox opens her unpredictable mouth.

No stranger to red carpet commentary, Kathy joined E! Entertainment

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Television’s “Fashion Police” after the untimely death of the iconic Joan Rivers.

An idol to gay men everywhere, Kathy takes off the gloves and spills the tea on Friday, March 20 & Saturday, March 21 at the Ovations Live Showroom at the Gila River Casino Wild Horse Pass, 5040 Wild Horse Pass Blvd.

Chandler 877-840-0457 or visit TicketForce.com for tickets.

Be sure to visit IONAZ.com on March 10 for an exclusive interview with Kathy Griffin.

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RuPaul’s Drag Race Viewing Parties “This ain’t RuPaul’s Best Friends Race!” Watch 13 bloodthirsty queens (including Arizona’s own Tempest DuJour from Tucson) duke it out every Monday night on seven TV screens at Apollo’s with 2-4-1 drinks all night. Hosted by the cattiest commentator in town, Clayton McKee! 5749 N. 7th St. (See ad p. 36) — or — Witness the shade of it all on the big screen at Kobalt in Park Central Mall.

Plus, there’s pizza and awesome drink specials! 3110 N. Central Ave. (See ad p. 27)

MARCH 2015 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE

TIME LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S)

Thurs 19 Fri 27

Karamba

10:00pm The Rock

Sun 29

Karamba

Sun 29

Twisted Peacock Ebonae Shane’s Birthday Bash

8:00pm

Selena Tribute

Mondays

7:30pm

Apollo’s

Drag Race Viewing Party with Clayton

Mondays

7:00pm

Kobalt

Drag Race Viewing Party

Mondays

10:00pm Charlie’s

Claudia B Hosts Nearly Nekkid Men

Tuesday

10:00pm Karamba

Savannah Moussier’s Show

Tuesdays

9:00pm

BS West

Stars Choice Talent Showcase

Wednesdays 9:00pm

IBT’s

Viva La DIVA

Wednesdays 9:00pm

Kobalt

Wednesdays 10:30pm Karamba

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Lady GaGa Tribute Lady Christian’s Trailer Trash Revue

Garden Variety Revue with Olivia Gardens Karamba Girls - Adriana Galiano & Karime Lizaldi

Wednesdays 10:00pm Charlie’s

Nevaeh’s High Heels & Halos

Thursdays

Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds

10:30pm Karamba

Fridays

10:30pn

Cruisin’ 7th

Fabulous Fridays with Regina Gazelle & Nikki Knowles

Fridays

10:30

The Rock

Special Event Rotating Drag Shows

Fridays

9:00pm

Plazma

Freaky Fridays with Celia Putty

Fridays

9:00pm

IBT’s

Absolutely Flawless with China Collins

Fridays

9:00pm

BS West

Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers

2nd Saturday 9:30pm

Kobalt

Celia Putty

Saturdays

9:00pm

IBT’s

Saturdays

10:30pm Cruisin’ 7th

Starrletts with Janee Star The Fabulous Mia Inez Adams

Saturdays

10:00pm The Rock

The Barbra Seville Show

Saturdays

9:30pm

Charlie’s

Pussy’s Patio Show

Sundays

8:30pm

Charlie’s

Sundays

10:30pm Karamba

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Pussy LeHoot & Friends Diamond’s Show

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by Deon Brown

I see London! I see France! I see

Gay Hip-Hop Rapper Drops His Drawers About His New Knickers

Cazwell’s devil-may-care persona and

unique sound of mixing ridiculously fun electronic dance music with old school hip hop and homo-fied lyrics has made him a leading figure in New York City nightlife and a favorite whenever his fun, sexy music videos are released. His Top 5 “Hard 2 B Fresh” album released last fall features several chart toppers including, “Dance Like You Got Good Credit,” “Helen Keller” and “No Selfie Control.”

Recently, Cazwell and fashion designer Geoffey Mac teamed up to create a new men’s underwear line inspired by the rapper’s song, “Ice Cream Truck.” The underwear that’s fun to wear features an assortment of digitally printed designs including retro ice cream parlor stripes, festive rainbow sprinkles, and a golden waffle cone logo repeat on the inside waistband. They’re available in Berry, Pistachio, and Vanilla colors.

“I wrote ‘Ice Cream Truck’ in 45 minutes,” recalls Cazwell. The video yielded over 9 million hits on Youtube and Vimeo. “It was written for the indie movie Spork and because it would be in it for all of ten seconds, I didn’t think anybody would listen or even know it was me. Now it’s inspired an underwear line. That’s wild!”

It was only a matter of time before Cazwell came out with a line of underwear. He collaborated with Brooklyn-based designer Geoffrey Mac, who’s dressed Britney Spears, Nicki Minaj, Lil Kim and Debbie Harry. Music and fashion are naturals together. Like a scoop of ice cream with a cherry on top.

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“I love fashion for the same reason I love music,” says Cazwell.

“There are no boundaries and endless possibilities. Fashion and music are always cross-pollinating. Musicians develop relationships with designers they relate to. Madonna has Stella. I have Geoffrey Mac.” A collaboration was bound to happen sooner or later.

Working in clubs and on videos with scantily clad go-go boys made the migration to the underpants biz easy.

“It makes so much sense for me. I feel like my whole life has been spent with go-go boys.

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It’s what I’ve relied on. To move into the underwear line makes all the sense in the world for me.”

The Ice Cream Truck Collection is go-go boy approved. “Of course,” says Cazwell.

“They’re my target customers. I knew from my go-go boy friends that there was a need for underwear that showed off their junk and gave their bubble butts a cute little lift.”

The smooth, stretchy feel and comfortable form-fitting design give men’s packages and rears that perfect scoop.

“I’ve always wanted to do an underwear line. When I first met with Geoffrey Mac we were gonna do a sportswear

line, like tank tops and basketball shorts. I said let’s start out with one thing; I really wanted to do underwear. I studied the kind of guys who spend money on underwear, they want something cute,” he says. “I had to go with ‘Ice Cream Truck’–I get associated with that more than any other video. That way we could work with a theme.

The waistbands have sprinkles on them; On the inside of the waistband is a waffle cone design.”

Cazwell went out on a limb.

“It’s always a gamble–like a music video.

I do a video that I like, some people might like it, some people don’t. People are so fickle and have different tastes. I see people wearing things all the time and have no idea why they’d wear it. I just have to make something that I believe is super cute,” he believes. “I test it out, figure out what people think first. It’s a start.

Ultimately I do wanna make something that everyone is gonna buy. It’s a different brand, a different vibe. It’s almost like Underoos for gay men.”

The initial run of Ice Cream Truck underwear is selling out.

“We’re making more. We’re going strong for spring and summer and we’re gonna have some new designs. We’re gonna have a lot of parties when I tour; get boys in them and take pictures of them looking cute,” Cazwell laughs.

One of Cazwell’s early songs in 2006 was inspired when he was shopping for new socks on 14th Street in New York City. The name of the song? “I Buy My Socks On 14th Street.”

“I wanna do socks, too. I want to take it one step at a time. Get my name out there, find out who likes it.

Maybe some t-shirts.

I’m a boxer briefs kinda guy; I might do some jock straps as well. I’d like to do one line of really cute boxers. I never go commando– I’ve always worn boxers ‘til a couple of years ago. But I totally understand that my core audience is gay men and most of them don’t wear boxers. Of course, I’m not surveying everybody. One step at a time.”

Cazwell isn’t throwing in the towel with his music and videos, however.

“I’ve got a couple videos coming out this summer. I’m gonna be touring doing some Ice Cream Truck underwear parties all across the nation. I’m coming out with a new video for my song, ‘The Biscuit’ this summer and I have a video of my song ‘Downtown.’”

Hey, Cazwell! What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream?

“Green Tea! I guess that’s boring, right?”

Cazwell? Boring? Never.

You can get your own pair of Cazwell’s “Ice Cream Truck” underwear at IceCreamTruck.BigCartel.com

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Jerry Seinfeld Comedian Jerry Seinfeld’s post-modern sitcom about “nothing” made everybody think about the topical subjects of the day: masturbation, soup Nazis, muffin tops, man-hands and gays (“Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”) See Jerry on Friday, March 6 at the Comerica Theatre, 400 W. Washington, Phoenix. For tix visit ComericaTheatre.com or call TicketMaster at 800-745-3000

Kathy Griffin Everybody’s favorite red-headed, loudmouthed, funny gal tells it like it is, bitches! No punches are pulled when Kathy expands and expounds on everybody! And she leaves no survivors! Catch Kathy Friday, March 20 & Saturday, March 21 at the Ovations Live Showroom at the Gila River Casino Wild Horse Pass, 5040 Wild Horse Pass Blvd.

Chandler 877-840-0457 or visit TicketForce.com

Chicago “He had it comin’! He had it comin’!” And it looks like Chicago is comin’ back! You won’t want to miss the story of celebrity criminal Roxie Hart ... and all that jazz ... in this fabulous Prohibition Era musical.

Friday, March 27 thru Sunday, March 29 at ASU Gammage, 1200 S. Forest Ave. in Tempe. For tickets call 480-965-3434 or visit ASUgammage.com

MARCH 2015 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE EVENT LOCATION PHONE 5-7 Al Madrigal StandUp Live - Phx 480-719-6100 5-8 Jessimae Peluso Tempe Improv 480-921-9877 6 Jerry Seinfeld Comerica Theatre 800-745-3000 6-22 Carousel Mesa Encore Theatre 480-644-6500 thru 7 Pluto Stray Cat Theatre - Tempe 480-227-1766 7 Anjelah Johnson Desert Diamond Casino - Sahuarita 520-297-7777 10-15 Cinderella ASU Gammage 480-965-3434 13-14 Kevin Nealon StandUp Live - Phx 480-719-6100 14 Jenny McCarthy Wild Horse Pass - Chandler 877-840-0457 14 Frank Caliendo Talking Stick Resort - Scottsdale 800-745-3000 14 Kevin Smith Tempe Improv 480-921-9877 20-21 Kathy Griffin Wild Horse Pass - Chandler 877-840-0457 thru 21 Uncle Vanya SW Shakespeare Co. - Mesa 480-644-6500 thru 21 Romeo & Juliet AZ Theatre Co. (Tucson) 520-622-2823 20-22 David Alan Grier StandUp Live 480-619-6100 26-29 Flip Orley StandUp Live 480-619-6100 26-29 Carlos Mencia Tempe Improv 480-921-9877 26-4/12 Romeo & Juliet AZ Theatre Co. (Phx) 602-256-6995 27-29 Chicago ASU Gammage - Tempe 480-965-3434 thru 4/4 My Fair Lady Hale Theatre - Gilbert 480-497-1181 thru 4/4 Les Misérables AZ B’way Theatre 623-776-8400 March 2015 www.IONAZ.com 43

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Pot of Gold Music Festival You won’t want to miss some of the best in today’s music at the Pot of Gold Music Festival. Headliners include Grammy nominated Bastille (pictured), Fall Out Boy, Korn, Godsmack, Kendrick Lamar and 24 other bands playing at Tempe Beach Park for an all-ages show. A great way to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day weekend! For tickets and FAQ visit PotOfGoldAZ.com

Ladysmith Black Mambazo For all of you fans of isicathamiya and mbube vocal stylings, you won’t want to miss the all-male choral group, Ladysmith Black Mambazo. They’re kind of like the One Direction of South Africa, except way cooler. They’ll bring their Grammy award winning unique and hypnotic world music to the Scottsdale Center for the Performing Arts, 7380 E. 2nd St. in downtown Scottsdale. For tickets visit scottsdaleperformingarts.org or call 480-499-TKTS

McDowell Mntn Music Festival Join all the cool kids and hipsters in today’s music scene and groovin’ to the tunes! For three whole days there’s the best in national and local music, with headliners like Passion Pit (pictured), Strfkr, Widespread Panic on the mainstage and local bands and musicians, too. The McDowell Mountain Music Festival happens–ironically– in downtown Phoenix at Margaret Hance Park, 1202 N. 3rd St.–miles away from the McDowell Mountains. Find out the whole lineup and after parties at Crescent Ballroom and other venues. Check out MMMF.com and FrontGateTickets.com or call 512-389-0315 for tickets and info.

MARCH 2015 ION Concert Calendar DATE ARTIST LOCATION PHONE 7 Don Williams Celebrity Theatre - Phoenix 602-267-1600 12 Boyz II Men Livewire - Scottsdale 480-970-1112 13-17 Pot of Gold Music Festival Tempe Beach Park PotOfGoldAZ.com 15 Ladysmith Black Mambazo Scotts. Ctr. for the Arts 480-499-TKTS 21 Pink Floyd Experience Celebrity Theatre - Phoenix 602-267-1600 27-29 McDowell Mtn. Music Festival Hance Park - Phx 512-389-0315 27 Blues Hall of Fame Tour Scotts. Ctr. for the Arts 480-499-TKTS 28 Paul Williams Chandler Ctr for the Arts 480-782-2680 APRIL 1 Shlohmo Crescent Ballroom - Phx 602-716-2222 2 Arlo Guthrie Fox Theatre - Tucson 520-547-3040 March 2015 www.IONAZ.com 45

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by Peter Lora pintelonegro@gmail.com

Aural Fixation

Madonna -

Rebel Heart With her thirteenth studio album Rebel Heart, it’s obvious that Madonna has found herself out of reinventions. In lieu of manifesting into a seemingly new Madonna, like her alluring transitions past from the sexual provocateur of Erotica and Bedtime Stories to the New Age, electronica High Priestess of Ray of Light, she’s the same predictable Madonna from most recent albums Hard Candy and MDNA, more caricature than ingenious character.

In a way, the current members of the female pop pantheon––Miley, Katy, Gaga, RiRi, Nicki, Bey––have all benefited by borrowing from the reigning Supreme of Pop. Rebel Heart finds Madonna borrowing from her pop progenies; where Beyoncé says, “I woke up like this ... flawless,” the original pop music feminist says, “B*tch, I’m Madonna,” in a foolish trap-style song featuring Minaj, full of generic and Mad Libesque club references.

Talented rappers are sprinkled throughout the album: Nas in “Veni Vidi Vici,” Chance on “Iconic.” On what might be tied with 2005’s “I Love New York” in the category of “Worst Songs Ever by Madonna,” “Illuminati” is pure Kanye West psychobabble. Producers Diplo and AVICII are impressive in songs like “Unapologetic Bitch” and “Devil Pray.” “Living for Love” is the most bearable, the 2015 repackaging of “Express Yourself” and “Like A Prayer” will surely blast at spin classes and pride festivals around the world for all eternity.

Available March 10

Father John Misty - I Love You

Honeybear Father John Misty is the stage moniker of the talented, bearded and handsome Joshua Tillman. Tillman was a drummer for the popular indie rock band Fleet Foxes before striking out under his new moniker in 2012 with his country inspired indie rock debut album Fear Fun. The name––like his music––harkens back to Tillman’s oppressive religious upbringing where he wasn’t allowed “secular” music.

Love songs make up a large part of the album, the apocalyptic title track, the uncharacteristically electronic ‘‘True Affection” and the soulful “When You’re Smiling and Astride Me.” “Chateau Lobby #4” is a glimpse into Tillman’s love story, is sweet: “You left a note in your perfect script, stay as long as you want, I haven’t left the bed since.” Misty is a cynic, songs like “Bored in the USA,” “Holy Shit,” and “The Night That Josh Tillman Came To Your Apt.” tackle religion, politics, consumerism and our modern society. Honeybear is intimate, honest and balances all the good in life with what is so bad you can only joke about it.

THE DL SONGS TO DOWNLOAD ARTIST SONG Florence + the machine What Kind of Man Father John Misty When You’re Smiling

and Astride Me Other Lives Reconfiguration José Gonzalez With the Ink of a Ghost Twin Shadow I’m Ready Rose Lowe Who’s That Girl?

Marina and the Diamonds I’m a Ruin Ibeyi Ghosts Jessie Ware Meet Me in the Middle Ghost Culture Guidecca March 2015 www.IONAZ.com 47

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Mean Girls

ionazeditor@me.com

on with this sidesplitting sitcom. You’ll hate everybody and you may never want to vote again.

Hail to the VEEP!

VEEP - third season

Starring: Julia LouisDreyfuss, Anna Chlumsky, Reid Scott In this hilarious HBO send up of the office Thomas Jefferson called, “a splendid misery,” we witness mythical, foulmouthed, female U.S. Vice-President Selina Meyer (in an Emmy award winning role

by Louis-Dreyfuss of Seinfeld fame), a vaguely Sarah Palin-esque stooge in the #2 position (except shrewder, more calculating & manipulative.

But certainly no smarter.) ramping up for a nomination to run for POTUS. She hits the campaign trail, stumping in an effort to appear “folksy” since “Nothing says, ‘regular American’ like standing on a street corner shouting at strangers,” Deputy Director of Communications Dan Egan (Scott) observes.

Selina gets her wish when POTUS unexpectedly resigns, despite coming in third in the New Hampshire primaries. (“Even the Nazis came in second!”) Her fleet of toadies and flunkies (Chlumsky, Scott and others) are determined to bolster her image, despite her two failed swearing in ceremonies, squeaky shoes, an unflattering SNL skit, and a really bad haircut. Selena refuses to be cowed. In her characteristic megalomaniac perspective, she looks on the bright side: “I would love to fuck a firefighter. Hey, I’m the President now; I can fuck anyone I want, right?”

Even if you’ve missed the first two seasons of VEEP it’s easy to catch up and catch

★★★★★

Available March 3. $39.98 MSRP

Olive Kitteridge

Starring: Frances McDormand, Richard Jenkins, Bill Murray

“There’s no such thing as a simple life,” is the title’s caption.

Olive’s ordinary, yet not-so-simple life is chronicled over 25 years in this four-part HBO miniseries based on the Pulitzer Prize winning novel of the same name.

We meet Olive, an exacting schoolteacher living in a small, coastal town in Maine.

She’s developed a very fixed compass on right, wrong, good, bad, what she likes and doesn’t like. She has no compunction calling people a “moron.” Olive doesn’t even really like herself all the time, either, making it difficult to love her, let alone like her. Still, you understand what it’s like to be in her shoes. Do we always like others?

Do we even always like ourselves? Maybe there’s a little bit of Olive in all of us.

As usual, the brilliant Frances McDormand (Fargo) brings subtle nuances in a restrained, genuine performance, sensitively directed by Lisa Cholodenko (The Kids Are Alright).

At times a bit plodding, the tale unfolds gently. Watch in limited doses.

This is definitely not a “feel good” story.

But certainly a story where you “feel.”

★★★★☆

Available now. $49.99 MSRP March 2015 www.IONAZ.com 49

Past, Present & Future

ionazeditor@me.com

CHAPPiE

Starring: Dev Patel, Hugh Jackman, Sigourney Weaver This Sci-Fi/Action look into the future where a mechanized, brutal police force of ‘droids patrols the streets.

Robot CHAPPiE is reprogrammed to have human feelings and emotions by government wonk, Deon Wilson (Patel, Slumdog Millionaire). The ballbusting, bigshouldered, nameless boss (Weaver Alien) bellows, “I’m thinking a robot could be the end of Mankind!” when she hears about it. Part Escape from New York (1981), part RoboCop (1987) with a teeny bit of WALL-E (2008) thrown in to pull at your heartstrings when he beeps, “I want to live!”

Look for sexy Anderson Cooper (CNN) who plays sexy Anderson Cooper from CNN. Opens March 6 50

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Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel Starring: Dev Patel, Dame Maggie Smith Dame Judi Dench, Bill Nighy, Celia Imrie, Richard Gere and Penelope Wilton

March gives us a hot Dev Patel (CHAPPiE, HBO’s The Newsroom) doubleheader. With the everblooming Best Exotic Marigold Hotel in Jaipur, India, as home away from soggy, English home for “the Elderly and Beautiful” British ex-pats, the enterprising Sonny (Patel) is looking to expand his franchise. Meanwhile, his pending marriage to Sunaina (Tena Desae) heralds a Bollywood-style production number.

Look for silver-haired stud Gere (Chicago) checking in and igniting the withered, geriatric loins of the hotel’s lovelorn ladies.

Will The Second Best be a distant second best to the first Best? We hope not. Opens March 6

Cinderella

Starring: Lily James, Cate Blanchett, Richard Madden, Helena BonhamCarter Another “Once Upon a Time” flick from Disney:

the live-action reboot of the classic fairy tale of the poor (and toothy) Ella, (James, Downton Abbey) who’s living as an indentured servant for her Mommie Dearest-esque Wicked Stepmother (Blanchett, Lord of the Rings franchise) and stepsisters. Before you can say, “Bibbidy, bobbidy, boo!” she’s transformed into a temporary princess, thanks to an impish Fairy Godmother (BonhamCarter, Les Misérables). An equally toothy Prince Charming (Madden, Game of Thrones) awaits. Teeth abound! Opens March 13

White God

Starring: Hungarians

From “The Best Movie You Probably Won’t See, But Should” Files. This parable from Hungary questions human superiority over Man’s Best Friend. New laws demand a stiff tax for owning mutts, favoring a purebred-only society of dogs. 13-year-old Lili (Zsófia Psotta) loses her beloved hound, Hagen, when he’s turned out on the streets and ends up in the pound.

Things look bleak. Hagen and the pound pooches unite “Norma Rae” style and start a revolution threatening to take over the world in a war of Dog vs. Mankind.

Only brave Lili can halt this insurrection.

It sounds ridiculous, we know, but it looks truly brilliant. Just watch the heartstopping trailer. Cannes Film Festival winner. Hungarian with English subtitles.

Opens March 27 in limited release

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Barrio Urbano T

here’s no shortage of Mexican comidas y bebidas in Phoenix.

Some are pretty darn good. Lots are lousy. Some say they’re la bomba but miss el marca. There’s a saying down Mexico way about these little places: “A todo le llaman cena, aunque sea un taco con sal.”

It means, “They call anything supper, even a taco with salt.” It’s not a compliment. It says a lot about people who don’t care about their cuisine, and a lot about the people who eat it. Case in point: Taco Bell. Think about it.

Phoenix boasts the best of the best: Chef Silvana Salcida Esparza. Who else can claim bloodlines dating back to the pastry bakers to the Spanish royal family in the 17th century? Chef’s first baby, Barrio Café on 16th Street near Thomas Road, is still “casa dulce casa” for Mexican Foodies who love her unique, kicky take on traditional favorites, making “comida chingona”–that’s “bad ass food.” Her words. This earned Chef Esparza a spot as a semi-finalist for the James Beard Award, which is pretty fabuloso.

Happily, Chef Esparza recently opened up a satellite café at The Yard in the little niche vacated by Lola Coffee and made it her own, calling it “Barrio Urbano.” The streamlined menu has everything you’d wish for from Esparza’s “Barrio” family of restaurants serving breakfast, lunch, dinner–and cocktails.

“A todo se acostumbra el hombre, menos a no comer,” they say. “Man can adjust to anything except not eating.” You’ll adjust to eating at Barrio Urbano just fine.

Mexicans eat the most eggs in the world, making huevos muy popular.

Start the day with Huevos Divorciados, two fried eggs–usually sunny side up–going their separate ways, (“Divorced.” Get it?) one with spicy salsa de chile de arbol (red sauce), the other with milder salsa verde (green sauce) and topped with a bit of cotija cheese. The eggs both share joint custody with black beans and breakfast papas (potatoes) and bolillo toast. $9.

All day long you can get their Chilaquiles.

You get corn tortilla chips topped with a roasted tomatillo salsa, an any-style egg (we recommend over-easy), cotija cheese, the smooth, buttermilk-y jocoque crema and avocado slices. Our favorite black beans and savory, roasted potatoes are here, too. $9 ¿Estoy crudo? If you’re Mexican or from Arizona and hungover, you know the cure: Menudo estilo Chihuahua. You’ll get a big bowl of the Barrio’s best: deep, dusky, March 2015 www.IONAZ.com 55

smoky and vigorous, you’ll get stew’s signature beef tripe and pata (pickled veal), chile de guajillo and hominy, served with a bolillo roll. Not necessarily for everybody, the love for menudo is open for discussion, but it’s a Sunday staple in many Mexican-American households.

Here it’s served every day. If you love it, this ranks right up there with the best.

The posole, pork ‘n’ hominy soup, is fuera de este mundo.

Out of this world. Simple.

Delicious.

Simply delicious.

Both are $8.

But there’s mucho, mucho más: We can’t get enough of the side of Esquites Asadsos: a small bowl of shucked grilled corn, topped with spicy aioli, butter, cotija cheese and a dash of lime for $5. You’ll want a tub of it.

We’re loco en la cabeza for their Boca Negra: super refried beans with fat, fresh shrimp dusted, chile de arbol totopos (akin to a tortilla chip, but don’t ever say that it is!), avocado and crema Mexicana. $14.

Why did the pollo cross el camino? We know you’ll run across the road for the

Barrio Pollo Burrito: pan seared chicken breast with goat cheese, caramelized onions and roasted poblano chiles, all in a pine nut cream sauce toped with grated cheese and jocoque crema. Big enough to share, it’s one of our faves. $9.

There’s more: tacos, salads, steak and eggs, enchiladas, a relleno ... the list goes on. You’ll want to make a few visits to try everything.

If you’d like to imbibe las bebidas, Barrio Urbano’s legendary mixologist Colton Brock (a contender in the “Devour Bartending Competition at the festival this year) concocted a cocktail menu that is news and noteworthy, moving beyond the ho-hum traditional margs and cervezas.

Our favorites? If you like it spicy, El Picado is “el musto.” Chinaco Blanco tequila infused with Serrano chile, a cucumber simple syrup and fresh lime.

The Tequila Daisy blooms with Siete Leuas Reposado tequila, Cointreau, powdered sugar and fresh lemon. This hearkens back to birth of the true Margarita circa 1930.

Other tequila based cocktails or margaritas include El Sicario, ZonaRosa, The OG 10 and more. Many have vintage roots that Colton resurrected here. The selection

$5 appetizers with the esquites we love (see above), tacos, posole and more.

“Panza llena, corazón, contento.” Full stomach, happy heart. And another margarita never hurt, either.

changes seasonally.

Feeling daring? Ask Colton to concoct something that he loves just for you.

I bet he will.

Happy Hour at Barrio Urbano is Mon-Fri from 2-6 p.m. for $5 margaritas and other deals on beer and wine. You won’t want to miss the

Barrio Urbano in The Yard 5632 N. 7th St. M-Th & Sun: 7 a.m.-9 p.m.

Fri & Sat: 7a.m.-11 p.m.

602-287-9000 BarrioUrbanoPHX.com

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AZ GAY RODEO

CORONADO RANCH

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Photos by Franklin Diaz

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SW CENTER

BOB HEGYI DEDICATION

Photos by Deon Brown

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Our models, Ricky & Abel, make sure to play safe & get checked often!

Pump & Freedom Reigns Briefs available 66 www.IONAZ.com March 2015 at TUC SHOPS

BAD ROMANCE

Have you met One Night Stan?

Everybody Blames the French!

The French called it the British Disease.

The Germans and Italians called it the French Disease. Russians called it the Polish Disease. Turks called it the Christian Disease. Tahitians called it the British Disease. And back to the British, who called it the French Pox. Syphilis has many names, such as Miss Siff, Cupid’s Disease or the Pox. Repeated attacks of syphilis were once known as “Purple Flowers.” Syphilis. It’s not just history. It’s everywhere. It’s getting bigger. It’s here.

Syphilis Happens

Maybe you met “One Night Stan”? He’s hot. You hooked up. Uh oh! But Stan has syphilis. Now you might have it, too.

You can get tested for syphilis. It’s quick, easy–and curable! One Night Stan doesn’t know this. Syphilis is a sexually transmitted disease (STD). It is transmitted through oral or anal sex. Maybe you’ve noticed a painless lump, weight loss, fatigue, swollen glands, fever and rashes. If you’re infected, you’ll develop a sore or “chancre” at the site of exposure, often in the mouth, the rectum, or in the genital area in about two or three weeks. This is the primary stage of this infection.

Without treatment, it may disappear about 4 to 6 weeks later; however the syphilis bacteria will continue to spread throughout your body. After the primary stage the infection progresses to the secondary stage with a rash developing on the palms of the hands and soles of the feet, or a even general body rash. People in the secondary stage of syphilis infection may also experience moist wet lesions in the genital area. This is when syphilis is most contagious and it enters the bloodstream. It was dark and you didn’t notice One Night Stan’s sores. Hey, syphilis happens! Now get checked!

Quick Health Fact:

Syphilis is most common in people between the ages of 20 and 29. Other official figures show men in their late 30s and early 40s account for a third of cases of the initially symptomless disease.

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The Truth Will Set You Free!

Shame is a powerful censor in history. In its later stages, syphilis–known as the “great imitator”–mimics so many other diseases that it’s easy to hide the truth.

Just like One Night Stan, people with syphilis may not recognize symptoms or mistake them for something else. Because the symptomatic stages of syphilis are short and often missed, it’s critical that if you are sexually active, you’re tested regularly. Testing is the only way to determine the presence or absence

of sexually transmitted diseases such as syphilis, HIV, chlamydia, and gonorrhea.

Never diagnose yourself!

Rates of syphilis have increased dramatically among gay and bisexual men in central Phoenix during the past two years, doubling since 2005. During 20132014, it was estimated that 1 in 20 gay men in central Phoenix acquired infectious syphilis. Men infected with syphilis, but not residing in Phoenix, also reported meeting sexual partners at many different places in the central metropolitan area. This trend is alarming given that individuals with syphilis are at 2 to 5 times greater risk of acquiring HIV. Syphilis and HIV are acquired during unprotected sexual encounters. Due to the surge in new cases of syphilis in Maricopa County, routine testing every six months or more for gay and bisexual men who have had multiple or anonymous sexual partners is encouraged depending on frequency and risk of sexual activity. Correct and consistent use of LifeStyles® Condoms can help prevent syphilis and other STDs including HIV.

Quick Health Fact:

Until 2013, syphilis cases were highest in the South, now the West. 91.1% of new syphilis cases are in gay or bisexual men. In 2014, 57% of syphilis cases in Pima County reported finding One Night Stan using the Internet and smartphone apps, like Grindr, Scruff, Jack’d, Growlr, Adam4Adam and Manhunt. It’s okay to play, but play safer!

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Authentic 2 Eros Briefs available at TUC SHOPS March 2015 www.IONAZ.com 69

Syphilis Is Curable!

For people who are allergic to penicillin, there are other antibiotics are available to treat syphilis. There are no home remedies or over the counter drugs that will cure syphilis. Treatment of the the syphilis bacterium will prevent further damage, but will not repair the damage already done.

“CYA”

This is for all the One Night Stans in Arizona: The “CYA” campaign–“Check Yourself After”–calls attention to the need for frequent and comprehensive STD/HIV testing as well as recognition of symptoms among people engaging in unprotected sexual activity. There are many locations within Maricopa County

and statewide to receive testing for syphilis and HIV. Free testing outreach events are held throughout Maricopa County each month. A calendar of these free testing events as well as other locations for STD testing is available at STDaz.com.

You can also get tested at your own private primary healthcare provider or at Planned Parenthood at several Valley locations. Be sure you tell your partners if you’ve been exposed.

Don’t be a “One Night Stan.”

In the Phoenix area you can get checked at the Maricopa County Department of Public Health at 1645 E. Roosevelt St. Testing is free every second and fourth Wednesday of the month from 5-6:30 p.m.

Maricopa County Dep’t. of Public Health Clinic Hours: Mon. Tues. Thurs. & Fri. 8 a.m.-5 p.m. No appointment is necessary, just show up and register by 3 p.m. for a reasonable, affordable fee. A full panel testing for HIV/Syphilis Gonorrhea/Chlamydia is only $20 Additional locations and dates for testing: FLEX, Tuesday March 17th from 4-6pm, and Monday March 30th, from 1a-1pm. Charlie’s, Friday March 17, from 8-10pm.

Quick Health Fact:

If your immune system can’t kill syphilis, then simple antibiotics will. Symptoms will disappear within 24 hours of starting treatment. If syphilis goes untreated for a very long time and enters the third stage, any damage to the heart and nervous system might be permanent.

Brain damage might be permanent too.

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Abel knows how to stay healthy.

He knows to “CYA!” Property of the USA Briefs available at TUC SHOPS. March 2015 www.IONAZ.com 71

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Quick Health Fact: Men like One Night Stan tend to get syphilis at higher rates than women, 3 to 1. People with syphilis are up to five times more likely to contract HIV. Integrated testing is recommended.

Photography by Scotty Kirby | Direction by Deon Brown & Kevin Bushaw Production Assistance by Benjamin Neher & Jack Tesorero Text by Deon Brown Models are Ricky & Abel from the Wild Men of the West.

Illustrations by Justin Gonzales. Special thanks to LifeStyles速 Condoms, Emilio Minto of Wild Men of the West & Ian Francis & Ben Boe from Arizona Mattress Overstock. Underwear provided by TUC SHOPS. This is a Paid Public Service Announcement from Maricopa County Dept. of Public Health

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One appointment. Expert doctors. Convenient services.

Lanterman Photo 602.577.1640

Mark A. Wyse, M.D.

Kate Montgomery, FNP

Allan Goldman, D.O.

Tyler Southwell , M.D. Walter Koppenbrink, M.D. Andrew Racette, D.O. Certified Dermatologist

David Francyk, D.O.

David Anderson, O.D. Jennifer Francyk, PA-C Optometrist

Because caring for your health has always been our passion, we’ve made the following services conveniently available in our office.

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T.E. McCauley, M.D.

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• Excellent care for all ages • Same day appointments • On-site clinical laboratory and X-rays • Dermatology and Optometry services • Botox and Obagi skin care now available

Charles Levison, M.D. Alisha Archibeck, D.O.

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4350 E. Camelback Rd., Ste F100 Phoenix, AZ 85018 602.955.8700 • FPSAZ.com

M-F 7 a.m. to 5 p.m. and Saturday 7 a.m. to noon.

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James Leap, PA-C Physician Assistant

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SHERATON HOTEL DOWNTOWN PHOENIX

Quick Health Fact:

Syphilis was usually considered to thrive in among those who are uneducated, living in poverty and those who do not have access to modern healthcare. Lack of awareness is one of the primary triggers. Syphilis is also spreading among thriving economies and among the rich and privileged.

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Vol. 8, Issue 12

March 2015

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

What Color Was Neil Patrick Harris’ Underwear?

Scientists Stumped.

OUTRAGEOUS! dumbfounded,” said one anonymous scientist specializing in ophthalmic visual perception at the Universitãt Zürich.

ZURICH ‑ The televised presentation of the 87th Annual Academy Awards left audience members and viewers not only a little titillated but confused when Master of Ceremonies Neil Patrick Harris appeared on stage in a pair of traditional men’s cotton briefs. But what color were they?

Meryl Streep said, “As a master of foreign accents I should know that his underwear was definitely gold and white.”

“Oh, no,” said Lady Gaga. “Neil’s underwear was obviously an Alexander McQueen inspired piece in TRAGICALLY black ACCIDENTAL and blue.”

OUTRAGEOUS!

A team of ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS ophthalmologists and scientists in Switzerland couldn’t explain the ocular phenomenon.

“That damn dress meme on the Internet has the neural receptors of my visual cortex

Actor James Franco said, “Whatever color they are, I think Neil looks delicious,” just because Franco likes screwing with people’s minds and wants them to keep guessing whether he’s gay or straight.

OUTRAGEOUS!

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OUTRAGEOUS! Smiles Are Contagious at Disneyland, & Much More.

OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS! ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

ANAHEIM – After a drastic health scare when “We believe revisiting pictures and modern plots will make movies like ‘The Shingle Book’ 51 cases of measles were recently reported at and newer ones such as ‘Poca Hanta Virus’ into Disneyland, turning the Happiest Place On something the whole family will love,” said one Earth into the Tragic Kingdom, Walt Disney Studios will produce a line of its motion picture anonymous producer. “Who doesn’t love the ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL boyIS who never grew up, ‘Peter Pandemic’? And classics as public service announcements ‘WALL-E coli’ will warm your heart.” emphasizing the importance of vaccinations.

ANY RESEMBLANCE IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL The legendary park’s new themeTO song THE is, “It’sTRUTH a Motion pictures, such a retooled “The Parent Small Pox After All.” Clap” and “The Princess Diarrheas” are sure to be box office winners along with the live action and Look for newly dubbed mascot Mickey animated feature, “Who Inflamed Roger Rabbit?”

Mumps to star in “The Sorcerer’s Appendix.”

Other classics will be repurposed with a new Each admission will include a free vaccination. message. “Sleeping Sickness Beauty” along with “Bedknobs and Botulism” are sure to please movie going crowds who grew up with Disney.

OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL March 2015 www.IONAZ.com 87

Quick Health Fact:

It’s important to catch syphilis early. Any damage it does to your body is irreversible. One Night Stan knows that you can avoid this permanent public embarrassment, for the most part, by using a LifeStyles® Condom and getting tested regularly.

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BLUSH & BASHFUL

RIT Z CARLTON

Photos by Fernando Hernandez March 2015 www.IONAZ.com 89

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I

’ve recently been getting all sorts of cries for help from people involved in drama resulting from their smartphones.

It appears as if this little device destroys more relationships than the town tramp fucking married dudes in a Burger King restroom. This month’s edition of FavoriteBitch is all about Mo’ iPhones Mo’ Problems!

Dear Miss Tiger, I went jogging at the park, tripped on something and ended up falling. I called my boyfriend and it kept going straight to his voicemail. Miss Tiger, I am ready to end our relationship! Should I look through his iPhone to see if he was talking to someone else while ignoring me?

– Tony Dear Ask That Bitch Siri, Maybe your boo had a very good reason for not calling you back right away ... he was too busy fucking some other bottom.

Your first priority should’ve been your safety and NOT looking for a discount Superman to come and save your ass.

Next time, try calling someone who is sure to pick up–like a goddamn 911 operator.

Dear Miss Tiger, My girlfriend is addicted to her iPhone.

I lay in bed and listen while she taps away on it all night long. I also find it suspicious that she then sneaks off to the bathroom. I usually end up falling asleep alone. What should I do?

– Susie

Dear You ARE A Lesbian ... So Have Ya Ever Thought Of Smashing That Fuckin’ Phone To Pieces?

Instead of getting frustrated and taking your ass to bed, try taking her ass to bed. And make that bitch tap something else all night long–your pussy!

Dear Miss Tiger, I downloaded Grindr on my brand new iPhone 6 Plus. I found a dude on there who had a really nice bubble butt. He sent me a close-up pic of his hole and it looked pretty clean. I got to his house and started eating his ass right away. About half way through that I noticed he was dirty “down there!” How should I ask a guy if he’s clean before eating his ass?

– Javier Dear Sometimes You Get Angel Food Cake And Sometimes A Motha Fuckah Gets Devil’s Food Cake, Look, ya Drunken Hines, next time ya might wanna try dippin’ your finger in the batter before you start baking the goddamn cake!

Wanna talk to me LIVE about this kind of bullshit and more? Then join me April 27th on Derek and Romaine • SiriusXM OutQ 106 at 7pm MT! Visit my website for more information on columns and upcoming radio appearances.

Miss Tiger Advice Columnist • SiriusXM radio personality ... and everyone’s #FAVORITEBITCH Website FavoriteBitch.com Facebook/Twitter MissTiger Advice ask@misstiger.com

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by Sean Kapera @ Synergistic Studios SynergisticStudios.com

Mike Gaboff

Actor, Model, Stuntman Hollywood, CA

FOLLOW on instagram @SynergisticStudios

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by Addison DeWitt

B

T

here’s nothing I love to do more than laugh. I especially love C it when it’s at your expense, even though that’s not nice. But it’s true. That’s why you read this, right?

Our very own funny lady Maryanne Marttini (A) is a laugh riot! When she’s not doing stand-up comedy in the Valley she’s singing “Hooray for Hollywood!” No stranger to color TV (she appeared on Amazon.com’s awardwinning series, “Transparent”) Maryanne was on “Glee” (B) on February 13 as part of the E 200-person transgender choir.

She’s in this photo ... somewhere.

It’s like playing, “Where’s Waldo?”

Everybody’s favorite laffmeister is Gene Moore! (C) He’s moving on to the semifinals to be Arizona’s Funniest Comedian 2015! He’ll tickle your funny boner at 8 p.m., Sunday, March 15 at StandUp Live at CityScape in Phoenix. Yep. It’s a shameless plug. I didn’t even get paid to say that. Go! You’ll laugh until the twodrink minimum cocktails shoot out your nose! He’s that funny!

When Worlds Collide! They said it would

A

D

never happen. They said it was crazy.

Some people said, “This is insane!” But it happened. And you saw it here, first. Well, unless you were at the one•n•ten Fresh Brunch at the glam Camelback Inn. Give my regards to Broadway ...

Eddie Broadway, that is!

The real, genuine, “born that way” Eddie Broadway (left) met Mister Phoenix Gay Pride 2014, showman & drag king “Eddie Broadway!” (right) (D). Somebody better copyright that name, I’m telling you. Yes, ladies and gentlemen ... Truth is stranger than fiction! Not to insinuate that Eddie & Eddie are strange.

You can’t swing a dead cat around a gala here in town without hitting the fabulicious couple Nathan Rhoton and Joen Romero Martínez. (E) Here they are bogarting all the raffle tickets at the fundraiser for “Neighbors Helping the Homeless” event benefiting Tumbleweed’s Youth Resource Center at Stacy’s@ Melrose. [We do not advocate swinging dead cats at galas nor hitting Mr. Rhoton & Señor Martinez. – Ed.] And here’s the sexy DJ Crash Attack at Stacy’s@Melrose. (F) How do you follow that up??

F

Quick Health Fact:

The first written records of syphilis in Europe occurred in 1495 in Italy, during a French invasion. In 1530 the therm “syphilis” was first applied by the Italian physician and poet Giolamo Fracastoro, who wrote a long poem with 1,300 whopping verses about it–blaming it all on the French.

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W

ith a Solar Eclipse and Vernal Equinox both happening on Friday, March 20 at 3:45 MT, you’ve got some decisions facing you. Daylight and nighttime hours are equally divided. You’re finding your attention is divided, too, between several projects and relationships, too. The Moon–usually a neutral “Switzerland” in the heavens–is a positive ally. Mercury guides us in diplomacy and trade decisions. HINT: Stay out of the stock market.

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

You’re kind of a pioneer. Not like an oldtimey one, like Daniel Boone. You’re expected to lead others in an adventure or project. Birthday time? You’ll do something impulsive in the near future. Wear a coonskin cap. You are a pioneer, after all!

Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20

for a little “charity.” Some people! Sheesh!

Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22

Typically you’re a shrinking violet. A wallflower. Honey, it’s time to bloom! You’re called into the spotlight unexpectedly. You’re a perfectionist, but sometimes you just gotta fly by the seat of your pants. It all works out.

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22

You feel like you’re a judge on the Supreme Court. Your counsel is sought to settle disputes and hissy fits between all the Jans and Marshas of the world. Make a decision and don’t change your mind. Stick to your guns!

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23

You people! You’re always so passionate and emotional about everything! It’s exhausting! Once you make up your mind, there’s no changing it. You have a secret.

Don’t tell anybody.

A spur of the moment decision leads to something wonderful. This is unusual for you, given your inflexible and rigid personality. Oh, come on! This isn’t a surprise! It might be a trip to the movies, or a day trip.

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20

Your lively and bubbly nature puts you smack in the middle of the swim of things.

You’re the talk of the town, but what for?

Where were you seen? And with whom?

Your inquisitive mind might get you into trouble.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Feeling a little emotional lately? The Drama Queen (or King) in you comes out full force, giving you a chance to pull all the stops out with your histrionics. Your imagination runs wild when you get good news.

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22

You’re generous, but you’d better watch those nickels and dimes. Don’t let a greedy so-called “friend” take advantage of your charity when they put the squeeze on you 98

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You love your freedom, you’re an intellectual and enjoy longwinded, philosophical conversations. You’re basically a peaceloving hippy. Your blind optimism may obstruct your vision. Meditate on that, man.

You Caps are always so practical and prudent. Loosen up for once! Don’t let your strict self-discipline get in the way of having a good time, letting your hair down and painting the town red. But don’t get arrested.

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

Well, you Water Bearers certainly are one-of-a-kind, that’s for sure. You’re zany, madcap antics don’t stop. You’ll probably find yourself running around naked this month. In public. You don’t care!

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

You’re a little naive and even a bit unworldly at times. Your “Babe in the Woods” demeanor endears you to everybody. Is it your birthday? You’ll make a decision that makes a bigger impact than your hairstyle.