ION Arizona #129

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OTHER LIKELIKE NO NO OTHER

INSPIRED URBAN DINING

NOW OPEN MON - SUN 4:30pm to 12am

GRAND OPENING CELEBRATION FRIDAY, MARCH

15 TH

for more info and reservations call

SUPER BOWL PARTY

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ROSCOE’S ON 7TH

3819 North 3rd Street Suite 26, Phoenix, AZ 85012

(602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com

ionarizona@me.com

Publisher / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero .............................. jacktesorero@me.com

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ........................................ kbushaw@me.com Editor Deon Brown ....................................... ionazeditor@me.com PRODUCTION ASSISTANT Tom King ............................................ ionarizona@me.com PRODUCTION & Artwork SUBMISSIONS ionazproduction@me.com Advertising Sales Jack Tesorero ............................................... (602) 750-1164 Danny Catt, Regional Sales Director ............ (520) 429-5905 ionazsales@me.com ADVERTISING CONSULTANT Bill Knoop ..................................................... (602) 301-8457 Photographers:

Fernando Hernandez Jerry O’Conner Devin Mitchell Deon Brown Cover photo by Fernando Hernandez National Advertising Representative Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 ContributORS:

Wes Bergman Addison DeWitt Jackson David Kelly C. Edwards

Robert Hofmann Ted Kirby Kim Ruff Paul Sanchez

Published monthly by

1995-2012: 17 Years of Design and Creative Excellence

© 2012 JMT Designs, Inc.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation.

Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.

NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company.

Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

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agra rodeo

RAWHIDE

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When:

Sunday, March 11

Where:

Apollo’s Lounge

Bartender y Hosted b

Contest

Mc Kee & Clayton c Kenzie M n Lesbia

5749 North 7th St. Phoenix, AZ 85014

Gates at 2PM Contest at 4PM

$5 Cover

benefiting

• Expanded outdoor area & bars • Drink specials and giveaways • Live entertainment with DJ Del!c!ous

Special appearance by Kenya Michaels from Ru Paul’s Drag Race Season 4

Want to compete?

Want to donate? Want more info?

Email sexiestbartender@swayevents.com

MEN OF HOMORODEO.COM

BAR 1

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Chili Cook Off Chili today ... hot tamale! Want to try the best chili west of the Pecos and this side of the Rio Grande?

Head over to Roscoe’s on Saturday, March 10 from noon-5 p.m. and sample chili from the Cactus Cities Softball League and Valley organizations. No cover!

4531 N. 7th St. Phoenix. Phone: 602-285-0833

Miami Café Grand Opening If you’ve got an appetite for inspired urban dining, you’ll find a place set for you at the table at the chic Miami Café. Nestled up against the fun ‘n’ fashionable club Amsterdam, take time too cool your heels downtown for a gourmet lunch or dinner. Open Mon-Sun 4:30 p.m.- 12 midnight. Grand Opening celebration on Thursday, March 15. 718 N. Central Ave. Phoenix. For more info and reservations call 602-258-6122 See ad p. 7

Street Fair at IBT’s Meet me at the fair! Tucson’s Fourth Avenue Street Fair, that is! Enjoy the arts & crafts, food & music, and you won’t want to miss out on the fun IBT’s Spring Street Fair with shows all weekend long, March 23-25 with queens pulling all the stops out for you! 616 N. 4th Ave. Tucson Phone: 520-8823053 See ad p. 93

Madonna MDNA Release Party Everybody’s favorite Material Girl gets back to her (not-so-blonde) musical roots with her poppy new album MDNA. The only place to be for the Official CD Release Party is Bliss/Rebar for an album preview, giveaways, fab drink specials and more! It all happens on Sunday, March 25 at 9 p.m. 901 N. 4th St. Phoenix. Phone: 602-795-1792. Visit ZIArecords.com for details.

“Y-O-U! You wanna!” See ad p. 50 26

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Pornopalooza Leave it to a sweet little girl from the Midwest with a very naughty imagination to bring the sexiest men of Next Door Studios XXX movies to BS West. Your hostess, Miss Mandi Boom-Boom along with our own Luke Marcum launch another Pornopalooza on Satuday, March 31 with 2-4-1 all night and giveaways! 7125 E. 5th Ave. Scottsdale. 480-945-9028 See ad p. 10

Foam Bash Talk about good, ol’ fashioned clean fun! It doesn’t get much better than this! It’s ION’s Second Annual Foam Bash! Anderson’s plays host to Inferno Thursdays on Thursday, April 5. They’ll have 2-4-1 shots of Patron for the big kids, and the club is still open to everybody 18 and up!

6820 N. 5th Ave. See the ad on p. 16

MARCH 2012 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE

EVENT

LOCATION

CITY

Thursdays Fridays 4 10 10 10 11 15 16-17 17 17 18 20 23-25 23-24 23-24 24 25 25 31 31 31 4/5

Karaoke w/ Beth Karaoke w/ Miss Gina Gay Day - Renaissance Festival Underwear Auction Chili Cook-Off Bachelor Auction Sexiest Bartender Contest Miami Cafe Grand Opening March Madness St. Patrick’s Day Beer Pong w/ Phx Rugby Fan Appreciation Day Mustache Ride Spring Street Fair White Party March Madness Hair! Cancer Fundraiser Madonna MDMA Release Party Kevin Soto Pornopalooza Aunt Rita’s SAVORlife March for Equality Foam Bash

Zoan OZ near Gold Canyon OZ Roscoe’s Friends Apollo’s Amsterdam Dick’s Cabaret everywhere!

Charlie’s Roscoe’s icepics IBT’s Dick’s Cabaret Alpha Boys Cabaret BS West Bliss/Rebar Karamba BS West Phx Art Museum Peart Park Club Inferno at Anderson’s

Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Tucson Phoenix Phoenix Scottsdale Phoenix Phoenix Scottsdale Phoenix Casa Grande Scottsdale

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LEVI CROCKER

TAN UNITED PHOENIX

Art Detour Culture vultures can enjoy this free, two-day, self-guided tour of art galleries, studios throughout downtown Phoenix and adjoining neighborhoods in Roosevelt, Garfield and Grand Avenue. See accomplished and budding artists creating masterpieces as well as more dubious stuff a five-year-old could do. It’s a great way to see the city and enjoy the day! For more info visit ArtlinkPhoenix.com

Scottish Highland Games Those friendly folks at the Caledonian Society of Arizona get all Braveheart when they put on their kilts and compete in the Hammer Throw, the Stone Put. There will be dancing, pipes & drums, lads & lasses and lots of fun from by yon bonnie banks and braes! Bring the whole clan! If only Bonnie Prince Charlie were here. It all happens March 24-15 at Steele Indian School Park. Visit ArizonaScotts.com for more info.

Phoenix Film Festival Okay, it ain’t Hollywood, but for the 12th year the Phoenix Film Festival will screen more than 150 feature films and shorts. You can attend screenings, Q&A sessions with producers, directors and a few waiters—I mean, “actors”— in addition to world class talent. March 29-April 5 at the Harkins Scottsdale 101 at 7000 E. Mayo Blvd. For info, schedule & tix visit PhoenixFilmFestival.com

MARCH 2012 ION around town listings DATE EVENT / LOCATION CITY

3 5-5/13 9-11 9-11 10 10-11 14-18 thru 17 17-18 17-18 24-25 25 31-4/1 29-4/5 30 30-4/1 thru 4/1

Great American Beer Festival / Tempe Beach Park Butterfly Pavilion / Desert Botanical Garden Ostrich Festival / Tumbleweed Park Scottsdale Art Festival / Scotts. Ctr. for the Arts AZ Aloha Festival / Tempe Beach Park Devoured Culinary Festival / Phx Art Museum Pinal County Fair / County Fairgrounds Exotic Art Show / Alwun House Art Detour / downtown Cat Show / AZ State Fairgrounds Scottish Highland Games / Indian School Park Great Cajun Cook-Off / Heritage Square Dragon Boat Festival / Tempe Town Lake Phx Film Festival / Harkins Scotts 101 Rock the Zoo / Phoenix Zoo Tempe Festival of the Arts / Mill Ave. Renaissance Festival

Tempe Phoenix Chandler Scottsdale Tempe Phoenix Casa Grande Phoenix Central Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Tempe Scottsdale Phoenix Tempe Beyond Apache Jctn.

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MARDI GRAS

CHARLIE’S PHOENIX

More PHOTOS at www.IONAZ.com

Passion for Fashion

F

ar from the catwalks of New York, Paris and Milan, the Valley of the Sun is creating a splash in the fashion world.

Phoenix Fashion Week happens this fall, and Scottsdale Fashion Week will be announced later this spring.

Local photographer Devin Mitchell teamed up with stylist Courtney Leavitt to create a unique photography and styling atelier he calls “Devinography.” Mitchell, Leavitt and a cadre of assistants work with local fashion designers including those in the GLBT community, like Cody Johnson, and making fashion shine.

“I’ve always referred to my work as “Devinography” privately among the company of my Glam Squad,” Mitchell said. “It has more meaning than just the style of fashion photography

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that I shoot; it’s also about the choreography of how everyone works together. Courtney is instrumental with directing each artistic aspect of a shoot from hair, make-up, physical composition and the like, allowing me to focus on my camera and the model.”

The wildly creative Leavitt weighed in on his experience on the team.

“I’ve always been an artist. My best skill is the ability to see the whole picture—from conception to completion— and getting the desired result. I can see something that hasn’t been created yet and then facilitate all involved aspects to making it come together.

“Devin and are polar opposites and balance each other out,” Leavitt analyzed. “He brings all the components to the table that I don’t have. When we got together to create Devinography, our synergy was like magic! From the first ‘snap’ of his camera we knew how powerful our collaboration could be.”

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DEVIN AND COURTNEY’S STORY

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Designer Cody Johnson (pictured below) examined his inspiration working with fashion.

“I always love coming up with ideas to make a piece of new clothing, even if it’s from a bundle of yarn turned into a dress or a pair of jeans that I took apart and redesigned it into a jacket. Making new pieces of clothing from really anything, creating and re-creating is what I live for.”

Mitchell philosophized, “Bringing the clothes to life through the model is always our priority; Devinography is just the process of making it all come together.”

Photography | Devin Mitchell Artistic Direction | Courtney Leavitt Wardrobe Styling | Russel Frank All designs by Cody Johnson except Top Right last page (designed by Herschel).

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Willie Nelson Singer, songwriter, poet, activist—as well as pothead and tax evader—Willie is one of the most recognized artists in country music.

He’s even been honored with the Kennedy Center Award. The crusty ol’ crooner is “On the Road Again” and he’ll be remembering all the girls he ever loved before on Monday, March 12 at the Comerica Theatre, 400 W. Washington. For tix visit LiveNation.com or call 602-379-2888

Radiohead “I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doin’ here?”

Probably waiting for the Radiohead concert! This seminal band of the 90s & 2000s and acclaimed as one of the best bands of all time. Well, maybe not of all time, but Rolling Stone ranked them #73 in “The Greatest Artists of All Time.” See them on Thursday, March 15 at Jobing.com Arena, 9400 W. Maryland Ave. For tix go to TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000

Asher Roth Remember the cute, dorky, hip-hop, white boy rapping “I Love College” back in ’09? Ironically, pothead Roth majored in Elementary Education in between bong hits and chipwiches. So who knows if he graduated or not? He’ll be promoting his new album Is This Too Orange? on Saturday, March 17 at The Clubhouse 1320 E. Broadway Rd. in Tempe, dudes. For more info visit ClubHouseMusicVenue.com or call 480-968-3238. Tix available at TicktMaster.com or call 800-745-3000

MARCH 2012 ION Concert Calendar DATE 6 7` 7 9-11 10 10 11 12 15 17 23 24 27

ARTIST LOCATION Willie Nelson Desert Diamond Casino Peter Frampton Mesa Arts Ctr. Boz Scaggs Wild Horse Pass Casino Aida AZ Opera @ Phx Symphony Hall Bruce Hornsby Scotts. Ctr. for the Arts Jose Carreras Wild Horse Pass Casino Chicago Celebrity Theatre Willie Nelson Comerica Theatre Radiohead Jobing.com Arena Asher Roth The Clubhouse - Tempe Kris Kristofferson Celebrity Theatre Pink Floyd Experience Comerica Theatre Smokey Robinson Talking Stick Resort

PHONE 800-745-3000 480-644-6500 877-840-0457 602-266-7464 480-499-TKTS 877-840-0457 602-267-1600 602-379-2888 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 602-267-1600 602-379-2888 800-745-3000

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Gypsy Way before “Toddlers & Tiaras” there was the loudmouthed Mama Rose, the ultimate stage mother who bullied her kid all the way to the top only to have all hell break loose when she decides to become the stripper, Gypsy Rose Lee! See the legendary story March 7 - April 1 at Phoenix Theatre. 100 E. McDowell Rd. Phoen: 602-254-2151 or visit PhoenixTheatre.cm for more info.

Aida The story of forbidden love between the leader Radames and Aida, the Ethiopian princess, enslaved to work for the Pharaoh. Uh oh! That bitch Amneris loves Radames, too. Ethiopa declares war on Egypt and all hell breaks loose. See the Arizona Opera perform this lungbuster at Symphony Hall March 9-11, 75 N. 2nd St. For more info visit AZopera.com or call 602-266-7464

The Great Gatsby Even if you were forced to read F. Scott’s magnum opus in high school, this great American novel about the bounder Jay Gatsby’s love for the vapid, shirt-loving Daisy Buchanan. Her husband, Tom, finds out and guess what? Yep. All hell breaks loose! Catch it March 22-April 8 at The Arizona Theatre Co. at the Herberger Theater, 222 E. Monroe. Tix: 602256-6899 or visit AZtheatre.org

MARCH 2012 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE EVENT LOCATION 2-4/8 Sunset Boulevard AZ B’way Theatre 7-4/1 Gypsy Phoenix Theatre 8 Comedians for a Cure Standup Live! Phoenix 9 Lily Tomlin Mesa Arts Center 9 David Spade StandUp Live!

9-11 Aida - AZ Opera Phx Symphony Hall 10 Damn Yankee’s Chandler Ctr for Arts 10-31 Don Juan in Chicago Little Theatre at Phx. Theatre thru 11 Dead Man’s Cell Phone Actor’s Theatre Co. thru 11 Wicked ASU Gammage 15-18 Miss Abigail’s Guide ...

Mesa Arts Ctr. 16-17 Gilbert Gottfried Tempe Improv 22-5/8 The Great Gatsby AZ Theatre Co. 23 Sinbad Wild Horse Pass 23-5/20 The Altar Boyz Desert Stages Theatre 30 Bill Cosby Mesa Arts Ctr. 30 Joan Rivers Chandler Ctr. for the Arts 30-4/15 Body Awareness Actor’s Theatre Co.

PHONE 623-776-8400 602-254-2151 480-719-6100 480-644-6500 480-719-6100 602-266-7464 480-7822680 602-254-2151 602-253-6701 480-965-3434 480-644-6500 480-921-9877 602-256-6995 800-840-0457 480-483-1664 480-644-6500 480-782-2680 602-253-6701

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by Deon Brown 44

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Televisions in living rooms across

America’s said, “Chantay, you stay” to Logo TV’s gender-bending reality show when America’s original drag superstar, RuPaul, began parading queens across the mainstage in RuPaul’s Drag Race.

Season two exploded when the not-sodemure Drag Debutantess of the Deep South, Miss Shangela Laquifah Wadley, first hollered “Halleloo!” She didn’t win, but was such a fan favorite she surprised audiences— and a crop of twelve new queens—when she returned as the Wild Card for season three.

A couple of “Lip Synch for Your Lifes” and a few Death Drops later, Shangela won the crown as California’s first Entertainer of the Year and taking the drag world by corn—I mean, “storm.” Shangela not only bested Jersey Shore’s boozy Snooki in Life & Style Weekly’s “Who Wears it Best” with the same red carpet dress, she’s been seen on several TV shows, including NBC’s hit Community.

Even The Los Angeles Times— chose her signature happy, “Halleloo!” whoop as one of the 2010’s “Top Ten Words from Reality TV” that caught their eye.

Just a little more than three years ago D.J. Pierce, the man who created “Shangela” left the dog-eat-dog corporate world when he loaded up the truck and he moved to Hollywood. WeHo, that is. Swimmin’ pools ... porn stars—and cat-scratching, bitchslapping, hair pulling, backstabbing drag queens, too. Now Shangela’s the toast of the town! Not bad for a little boy from gay Paree—Paris, Texas, that is.

Arizona about Shangela’s death drop special performance for CARE at their upcoming Fourth Annual March for Equality.

ION Arizona caught up with the very warm, charming and engaging D.J. Pierce to talk about his upcoming appearance and the selfprolaimed—what?—SICK’NING—Shangela!

ION: It’s taken a long time to get you here!

DJ: I’m so happy to meet so many fans right now, to be able to reach out and touch people and experience our good times in so many different places—including Casa Grande! We’re still working for equality, aren’t we?

ION: As Shangela, in addition to Drag Race you’ve appeared on Toddlers & Tiaras and Dance Moms. You’re clearly entrenched in the competition circuit.

DJ: Can I please stop being judged? (laughs) You know, it’s part of everyday life.

The biggest person I’m in competition with is myself. To continue to motivate myself, stay out there and not give up in the face of adversity. That’s what I hope to inspire other people to do. The only way we’re gonna move up and outward, honey, is to encourage each other. I pull my biggest strength from my own confidence, and knowing my biggest competition is myself. I was on Dance Moms teaching the little girls how to death drop. Honey, we’re takin’ drag everywhere!

Motivated and spurred on by success, Pierce was the first male yell leader in his high school since 1968. He’s also a graduate of the prestigious Southern Methodist University in Dallas on a full leadership scholarship earning a Bachelor of Arts in Corporate Communications and Public Affairs.

I’ve only been doing drag for about three years, but I’ve been livin’ a lot longer than that. Am I best person to know to give advice about every situation? Not at all. Do I identify with being in competition and therefore able to give some sound advice? Totally. Honey, I’ve been there, I know what you’re going through, and if I can impart any wisdom, I’m here to do it.

Now D.J. Pierce—and the vivacious Shangela—are making “ShanFans” everywhere: TV, live performances across North America, college campuses and within his own local community at fundraisers and charity events. D.J. chatted with ION

ION: You’ve practically become the “Official Mascot” of RuPaul’s Drag Race and are clearly a fan favorite. Would you do it again?

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ever, ever. I want other people to have that experience, too.

It’s all about growth, for that reason alone, if it was to inspire others out there that you can get better if you just practice your craft, stay focused, lead a positive life and give back to other people then things will happen for you. That’s to show my fans, ‘C’mon, guys! It got better for me!

This is what you can do if you stay focused and dedicated.’

I’ve also had the honor of being named one of OUT magazine’s “Top 100 Most Compelling People of 2011.” I don’t take it lightly; I travel to different college campuses talking about empowering yourself, staying strong in the face of adversity, equality for all of us—and especially at the March for Equality that’s coming up as well.

DJ: I still don’t have that check! (laughs) It’s something I’d really have to consider.

Sometime they’re undoubtably gonna have an All-Star season with Shangela. I feel like I’ve got so much from the show and taken advantage of the opportunities that RuPaul has given me; I’m a hard worker and I’m never gonna give up. With that said, I don’t feel—personally—like I’m wanting to go back on for RuPaul’s Drag Race season 15. I feel my fans would want to see me on the show because we have some unfinished business, you know what I mean? Now am I ready to get back on there now? Uh-uh! I don’t know if I would be so good in a wrestling rink with a 350-pound queen from Florida. I like my face and my teeth!

ION: What was the most important thing you took away from Drag Race?

DJ: Always believe in yourself. Don’t be afraid to try new things and don’t let other people hold you back from doing what you want to do in this world. My experience was not the easiest road; I never gave up. Ever, 46

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ION: What’s the best thing about DJ Pierce?

DJ: Sincerity. I try to make real connections with people. I give my true self. I really hold to that. I know I always say, ‘Keep it real, keep it real, keep it real,’ but it’s because I am sincere. I hold on to that part of myself.

None of our lives are really one-dimensional.

I studied abroad in Madrid, I was an art student for years, I’ve done a lot of things that made me the person I am today.

ION: What would you like people to know about DJ that might surprise them?

DJ: Besides the fact that I go to Popeye’s every week for Two-Piece Tuesday for 99 cents? (laughs) It’s a comfort thing for me; it reminds me of home. Am I gonna die soon because of all the grease? Maybe! So I gotta get all my work done!

ION: Anybody special in your life?

DJ: I’m still single and not a husband in sight, but I am Halle-lookin’ for love!

ION: If you weren’t Shangela, what do you think you’d be doing?

entertainer,’ and in 2007 I quit my corporate job, packed up, left Dallas and moved west.

DJ: The funny thing is, I’m doing it now. I take all those skills that I had from all my experience working in PR and I put that into my own brand now. If I weren’t working at building ‘Shangela’ as a brand and as an entertainer, I’d be working in corporate America. I love PR! It’s about connecting with people. I worked for TGI Fridays as Associate Marketing Manager. All the executives told me, ‘You need to be an

I love drag, that’s why I do it. When you do it as much as I do, you gotta love it.

That’s why I hope to represent, to be a role model—hopefully—for people. It’s a freeing experience as well. It gets to a point where you say, ‘I don’t care what anyone else thinks! This is what I wanna do!’ You have to have that confidence. A lot of times you’re celebrated, a lot of times you’re not. You have to have that self-awareness and say, ‘I love myself! This is exactly what I wanna do and I am gonna turn it!’

Don’t miss the March for Equality on Saturday, March 31 at Peart Park, 350 E. 6th St. in beautiful Casa Grande.

“Halleloo, Shangela is coming to town!” said Chris Hall, CARE PR Executive & Interim President. She can only be found at Casa Grande’s March for Equality!”

“The event is free and for all ages! So get your butt down to Casa Grande and have yourself a jolly time!”

Three 1n10 hopefuls will have a chance to perform for Shangela and be evaluated and critiqued.

The winner of the challenge will have the opportunity to perform with a RuPaul season 4 contestant in July.

A special “Meet ‘n’ Greet” from 1-2 p.m. with Shangela will include a CARE bumper sticker, a raffle ticket for a prize to meet another RuPaul star and a picture with Shangela for $10 benefiting CARE. For more information visit CAREaz.org March 2012 www.IONAZ.com 47

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NCC Pageant at Cruisin’ 7th A pretty girl is like a melody! And so is a fabulous drag queen! Join Big Booty Judy on Sunday, March 11 for the NCC Pageant on Sunday, March 11 at Cruisin’ 7th Cocktail Lounge at 3702 N. 7th St. Phoenix. Call for details. Phone: 602-212-9888. See ad p. 34

MARCH 2012 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE

TIME LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S)

Sun 4 8:00pm Sat 10 10:00pm Sun 11 4:00pm Mon 12 Wed 14 10:00pm Sun 18 8:00pm Fri 23 9:00pm Sat 24 2:00pm Sat 24 9:00pm Sun 25 2:00pm Sun 25 8:00pm Sun 25 8:00pm Thurs 29 10:00pm Sat 31 12:00pm

Apollo’s ArizonaDrag.com’s Showgirlz Apollo’s Employee Turnabout Show Apollo’s Kenya Michaels during Sexiest Bartender Apollo’s RuPaul Viewing Party with Kenya Michaels Karamba A Tribute to Whitney Houston with Chantelle Douglas Apollo’s Cougar Cabaret IBT’s Janee Starr featuring Jasmine White & Lady Ashley IBT’s Jannee Star feat. Bunny FuFu, Celia Putty, Diva, & more!

IBT’s China Collins feat. Nicole Starr, Tori Steele & Regina Ray DuMay IBT’s Janee Star feat. China Collins, Bunny FuFu, Celia Putty, & more!

The Rock ArizonaDrag.com’s ECLIPSE Apollo’s Barbra Seville’s Time of the Month Show Karamba A Tribute to Selena with Diamond Casa Grande March for Equality with Shangela

Mondays Tuesdays Tuesdays Tuesdays Wednesdays Wednesdays Wednesdays Wednesdays Wednesdays Wednesdays Thursdays Fridays Fridays Fridays Fridays Saturdays Saturdays Saturdays Saturdays Saturdays 1st & 3rd Sun. Sundays Sundays Sundays

Apollo’s BS West Cruisin’ 7th Karamba IBT’s Roscoe’s Karamba The Rock Cruisin’ 7th Charlie’s Karamba IBT’s The Rock Cruisin’ 7th BS West IBT’s Cruisin’ 7th The Rock icepics Charlie’s Cruisin’ 7th icepics Charlie’s Karamba

9:30pm 8:00pm 8:00pm 10:30pm 9:00pm 9:00pm 10:30pm 9:00pm 10:30pm 10:00pm 10:30pm 9:00pm 10:00pm 10:30pm 9:00pm 9:00pm 10:30p 10:00pm 10:00pm 9:30pm 12:30pm 8:30pm 8:30pm 10:30pm

Naughty or Nice Drag Bingo with Eryka Knowles & Clayton Kendra’s Big Top The Stage is Yours with Mia Inez Adams (sign up by 7:30) Salsa Tuesdays with Savannah Moussier Janee Star & China Collins The End Zone with Carlita Jackson Barbra Seville Open Wide Wednesdays Steppin’ Out with TC Claudia B. & Company Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds Janee Star & China Collins An Evening with The Outlaws Miss Dottie Pepper Elements 7 Deadly Sins - followed by Mandi BoomBoom Janee Star & China Collins Mia Inez Adam’s Saturday Night Madness The Barbra Seville Show The Olivia Gardens Show Pussy’s Patio Show Sunday Morning Madness with Miss Dottie Pepper FAGtv with Dianna K. Shane Pussy LeHoot & Friends Diamond’s Show March 2012 www.IONAZ.com 49

Spring is Pure Bliss Enjoy the beautiful weather on the best patio in Downtown Phoenix.

Daily food & drink specials.

Details at blissonfourth.com

901 north 4th street phoenix, arizona 85004

602.795.1792 blissrebar

@blissrebar

blissonfourth.com

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Rockin’ the ReBAR!

Live DJs spinning on the patio.

Saturdays starting at 9:30pm.

Sundays from 2-6pm.

www.IONAZ.com March 2012

by Jackson David Kelly jacksonkelly@cox.net

This month find new material from Estelle, Andrew Bird, Bruce Spingsteen, The Kaiser Chiefs, The Shins, Lionel Richie and Clay Aiken as well as these great finds.

Madonna

MDNA Madonna’s twelfth studio album and first with Live Nation/Interscope gets a fanfare of marketing—her best and most calculated ever. Still, the music, which is what should be judged, is somewhat hollow. Produced by Solveig and Orbit, Madonna’s longest full-length album sounds overproduced and manipulated to a point of forced likeability. Initial single “Lovin’” was tepid and a copycat of Toni Basil and Gwen Stefani while second single “Girls Gone Wild” continues that wanna-be dance theme. Yes, The Orbit tracks do help, but overall, she missed the dance bandwagon that Rihanna and LMFAO crafted so perfectly. Let’s hope the tour reenergizes some of this disdain.

GRADE: Oh no!

Ferry Corsten

WKND Ferry is recognized as one of the world’s best DJ’s and has been for 10+ years.

His fourth full-length release, sees Corsten stepping out of his comfort zone to offer the world something more current and commercial. Packed with both instrumental and vocal assisted tracks, Ferry provides a better balance of his style and gives you something appropriate for the club, the gym and the drive home.

Arguably, “In Your Eyes” proves best here with its pulsating bassbeat and the ethereal vocals of JES. Other tracks of note include

Yo, DJ! What’s New? the instrumental “Check it Out” and Don’t be Afraid” as well as “Ain’t No Stoppin.’”

GRADE: B+

Emeli Sande

Our Version of Events Fresh off her win at the Brits, Emeli sees her debut win the prestigious Critics’ Choice Award and hopes her UK win jump starts a buzz stateside. Part Rihanna, some Pink with the gusto of Mary J, this soul-pop songstress shines brightly with a traditional R&B feel in a semi 60’s throwback that’s surprisingly current. The standout track here proves to the lead single, “Heaven” with its pulsating, catchy hook. Then there’s “Lifetime” and its almost Adele-like quality and the somber, yet musically deconstructed track, “Clown” that add to this already impeccable package. Grade: B+

Loreena McKennitt

Troubadours on the Rhine For something different, check out the original Celtic inspiring artist that gave Enya and Celtic Women hope for success. Now Loreena goes acoustic and offers the listener an intimate musical journey alongside two of her most trusted musicians. Troubadours is a collection of her most beloved tracks such as “Bonny Swans,” “Lady of Shallot” and “Bonny Portmore,” as well as the new gem, “Down

by Sally’s Garden.” Recorded in Germany to a select group of 300 fans, this Living Room Concert is real magic. Loreena’s piercing vocals alongside her infusion of Middle Eastern rhythms are unmatched. GRADE” AMarch 2012 www.IONAZ.com 51

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by Kimberly M. Ruff kimberlymruff@yahoo.com

Cops, Kooks, and a Queen 21 Jump Street Starring: Jonah Hill, Channing Tatum, Ice Cube, Brie Larson, Rob Riggle, Not Johnny Depp If you were in high school back in the day, you’ll remember when the Fox Network aired a crime/drama called 21 Jump Street. Focusing on a squad of youthful looking police officers who were stationed at the titular address, they frequently went undercover at high schools, colleges, bar mitzvahs and other teen venues. Like most dramas of its time, the series focused on timely issues including homosexuality, hate crimes, AIDS and drug abuse. Now, like every other 80s TV show that’s been given a gruesome makeover and trotted out like a septuagenarian starlet at a benefits show, 21 Jump Street is making its big-screen debut. Starring Jonah Hill, whose decision to lose weight has totally helped him avoid being the sidekick to his more handsome counterpart, plays Schmidt, the sidekick to his more handsome counterpart, Jenko (Channing Tatum). Now let’s see if they can figure out who spiked the punch at the Senior Prom! Release Date: 03/16/2012

The Hunger Games

Starring: Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, Liam Hemsworth, Elizabeth Banks, Amandla Stenberg Based on the best-selling young adult novel of the same name by Suzanne Collins, The

Hunger Games is set in a dystopian, post-apocalyptical future in which North America is now the country of Panem, which is ruled by an iron fist by the powers-that-be in The Capitol. Every year The Capitol hosts The Hunger Games, in which one boy and one girl from each of the 12 districts are selected by lottery to compete in a televised battle to the death. Jennifer Lawrence, the gorgeous newcomer that was nominated for Best Actress at last year’s Academy Awards for Winter’s Bone stars as Katniss Everdeen.

If you love Sci-Fi, The Hunger Games is right up your alley. Release Date: 03/23/2012

Mirror, Mirror

Starring: Julia Roberts, Lily Collins, Armie Hammer, Sean Bean, Robert Emms I won’t sugarcoat it for you; this movie is straight up just another retelling of the classic fairy tale, Snow White.

Assuming you’ve not been living under a rock your entire life, you’re at least vaguely familiar with the story: Snow White’s beauty trumps that of the Queen, so she’s exiled to the woods. There, she stumbled upon the seven dwarves who decide to help her in her cause. In some versions, she sings. In other versions (usually older, Germanic ones), really gruesome things happen. In either case, Snow White ultimately prevails and the Queen gets her comeuppance. So if you’ve ever watched the Disney version and thought to yourself, “Gee, wouldn’t it be grand if Julia Roberts played Snow White? She’s so lovely as Shelby in Steel Magnolias!” I’m sorry to say that too much time has passed since and she’s now in the “Queen” category of casting.

Enjoy! Release Date: 03/30/2012.

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by Jeff Lewis 54

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F

irst identified in the United States in 1981, HIV has become one of the most widespread pandemics. Wrongly labeled a “Gay Plague” in its early days, this non-discriminating virus affects more than 41 million people worldwide, regardless of their sex, orientation or socio-economic status.

Huge leaps have occurred in medical research in the past 30 years. With vaccine development underway and the creation of medications that significantly reduce possible transmission, there is new hope for those living with HIV. However, public complacency and a lack of education leave the nation with an environment shaped by the fears and stigmas born in the AIDS panic of the 1980s.

Charlie David’s directorial debut is changing that perception with a new documentary, “Positive Youth.” The film follows four dynamic youth from 18 to 27 who are either infected or affected by HIV. Through this all-access look at the challenges of dating, living and loving with HIV, the viewer experiences an uplifting view of how the next generation is not backing down.

David said, “I felt there was a huge disconnect in the public with the advancements in HIV medicine and the affliction by the general population. We made this documentary to educate those who know little of HIV, to shed light on the rise of HIV infection among today’s youth and to give inspiration to people living with HIV that they are not alone, nor should be seen as a danger to society.”

One of those young people highlighted in the film is the Valley’s very own nightlife mogul and entertainer Austin Head.

“Thirty years after the discovery of HIV, we now have the tools to turn this pandemic around. It is important to understand that medications are part of prevention. Gilead Pharmaceuticals have reduced the virus in my system to undetectable levels practically eliminating any possibility of transmission. Because of Gilead I am healthy and happy,” Austin explains.

“There are still lots of people who don’t know about all the advancements in medicine. This is a great chance to share that story.”

“Positive Youth” will make its World Premiere at the Phoenix Film Festival Friday, March 30 at 5:30 p.m., before airing internationally in May on LogoTV and OUTtv in Canada. A Q&A with Austin Head will follow the premiere.

The uncensored stories and personal experiences portrayed forever change viewers idea of what it means to live with HIV. This is a must-see film for everyone—regardless of who you are or who you love.

“Positive Youth” plays at the Phoenix Film Festival Harkins Scottsdale 101 7000 E. Mayo Blvd. Friday, March 30 5:30 p.m. – Matinee Showing 6:45 p.m. – Q&A with Film Star Austin Head 7:00 p.m. – VIP Red Carpet After-Party and Meet-&-Greet March 2012 www.IONAZ.com 55

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by Wes Bergman wesobergman@yahoo.com

Young Folks Jitters

(2010)

Starring: Atli Oskar Fjalarsson, Hreindis Ylva Gardasdottir, Aldur Ari Stefansson & Birna Run Eirkisdottir.

As you can probably guess by the slew of alphabet soup strewn next to the “starring” tag, this film is Icelandic … as in “foreign.” Me personally, I love a good foreign film to the extent that I flat out refuse to watch the shotby-shot remake of Girl with the Dragon Tattoo when the original version made only two years earlier was already excellent. American audiences have spoken, however, and apparently don’t appreciate being forced to read for comprehension when watching a film.

That being said, I can empathize with some of the complaints lodged against foreign films—chiefly, that words are lost in translation. For instance, take one of this month’s films, Jitters. It’s a slow, methodical coming-of-age film that explores the inner-struggles of not just Gabriel, our closeted gay protagonist, but of all his peers.

Struggles for individuality. Struggles for independence. Struggles for solitude.

Struggles for solidarity. The universal growing pains we all went through— regardless of time, space and culture.

So in terms of striking a chord, Jitters is ripe for the picking. So what’s the problem? That the film is called “Jitters” in the first place, thereby illustrating how the meaning of some words—in this case, the Icelandic word oroi—get

lost in translation. It’s a genuinely solid film, but I worry that such a misleading title would lead to a lot of confused and disappointed viewers who end up missing out because they got hung up on the title. March 27, TLA Releasing

Young Adult (2011)

Starring: Charlize Theron, Patton Oswalt, Patrick Wilson, Elizabeth Reaser & Diablo Cody, the writer behind the fastquipping, hamburger-phone-talking Juno, reunites with Juno director, Jason Reitman, to bring you Young Adult.

Starring Charlize Theron, Young Adult brings you the antithesis of Juno— instead of an inexplicably precocious (albeit somewhat irresponsible) high schooler, Theron’s Mavis Gary is definitely an adult that suffers from a serious case of arrested development.

In addition to never quite advancing beyond her high school heyday, she continues to perpetuate that mentality by ghost writing the popular Waverly Prep series of young adult novels. After receiving an email with pictures of her ex’s newborn, she decides that they’re meant to be together and returns to her hometown to get back what’s rightfully hers. Filled with plenty of cringe-worthy moments, it isn’t without pay-off. After getting the humiliation she needs, she finds the answer. Keep your retainer in to keep from biting your nails, because she it takes a while for the lesson to sink in. Release Date: March 13, 2012 March 2012 www.IONAZ.com 59

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Devoured

PHX CULINARY CLASSIC Fabulous Feasting Frenzy In a city full of McDonald’s, Domino’s, Applebee’s, Chili’s, Filiberto’s, Roliberto’s, Julioberto’s, Losberto’s, Umberto’s and all the other endless, interelated Berto’s, it’s easy to feel like nobody really cares about your tastebuds in this cold, cruel, processed, carbohydrate filled world. With lots of MSG. But it ain’t necessarily so. Look around.

There’s a growing movement and increasing awareness about looking around and discovering what’s in your own back yard. Or your front yard.

Even your neighbor’s yard. That’s because folks are reaching a greater understanding about supporting and sustaining independent merchants and restaurateurs. And these people are your neighbors.

this, just think what a difference it would make to the budget.

This philosophy paved the way for the creation of Devoured Phx Culinary Classic. This gastronomical gala is sponsored by Local First Arizona, The Arizona Republic, and the Phoenix Art Museum. It’s open to purveyors who support the Arizona food, chefs, restaurants and wine industries.

This independently edible awardwinning culinary event is making its third appearance at the Phoenix Art Museum.

You’ve got the entire weekend of March 10 & 11 to eat, drink and be merry, Mary, while discovering some of the best casual and fine dining options and vintners available to you right here in the Valley of the Sun. This event fosters lively food

That’s what spurred the creation of Local First in 2003 by Kimber Lanning.

Local First is a non-profit organization representing a coalition of locally owned business which form the backbone of the Arizona economy.

Now for a little lesson in economics and free enterprise for you. Did you know that for every $100 you spend, say, at Denny’s (and it’s not that farfetched) that only $13 remains in Arizona? Take that $100 and take it to Switch, Maizie’s, Bliss, or FEZ. $45 of that C-note stays in the state. You may have heard, the state’s broke. If everybody did March 2012 www.IONAZ.com 61

experiences and presents innovative culinary demonstrations along with showcasing local artisans, farms, food producers and more. Note that the emphasis is on local. You won’t find any chain McRestaurants admitted here. You’ll find everything from hip, chic Mom ‘n’ Pop cafés (well, not exactly my mom ‘n’ pop. But you get the idea) to all the swell ‘n’ swanky places to see and be seen.

Devoured is a perfect way to graze, sampling some of the greatest gourmet delights from restaurants, cafés and diners around town that you’ve always wanted to try. This is the perfect opportunity to do just that. Spend time strolling through the seductively landscaped and designed sculpture garden of the Phoenix Art Museum while you sample snacks and quaff some wine. Many of the participating restaurants provide printed menus as well as a carefully selected recipe

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from their cookbooks for you to try at home. You’ll also receive a piece of commemorative stemware so that you can sample some delectable wines from local vintners and wineries. You’ll also have the chance to see captivating demonstrations from noted chefs performed.

Tickets are available by visiting Protix. com, calling 866977-6849 or in person at the Phoenix Art Museum. Daily tickets and $79 at the door. A two-day pass is $130 in advance or $150 at the door. Spring for the two-day pass, people; some restaurants may not be present for both days, so you’re sure to bound to get a heapin’ helpin’ of their hospitality all weekend long.

For more information about making a difference starting here in your hometown, check out localfirstaz.com.

For more information about Devoured Phx Culinary Classic visit phxart.org/ devoured and devourphoenix.com

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DRAG RACE PARTY

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APOLLO’S

IT’S SPRING BABY!

Dine in or ‘al FEZ-co’ on our fresh air patio.

Amazing daily drink and weekend brunch specials.

Lunch. Dinner. Late Night. Weekend Brunch. fezoncentral.com • 3815 N. Central Avenue fezoncentral

@fezoncentral

A Central Phoenix Original

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W ho’s got the moves? Who’s got the booze? Don’t miss the Sexiest

Bartender Contest at Apollo’s on Sunday, March 11. Gates open at 2 p.m. and the contest starts at 4 p.m. This popular event features the 12 of the best looking, most popular, fabulous guys ‘n’

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gals staffing your favorite clubs and bars around town. They’ll be working extra hard for your tips that night—and they’ll all be donated to 1n10 and supporting their services for Valley GLBTQ youth.

Clayton McKee & Lesbian McKenzie will lend their ever-popular loudmouths

hosting the event. And what’s a contest like this without drink specials and giveaways all night long? You won’t want to miss the very special performances by Kenya Michaels from RuPaul’s Drag Race, season 4.

Apollo’s Lounge 5749 N 7th St. 602-277-9373

Photography by Fernando Hernandez Art by Kevin Bushaw Directed by Kevin Bushaw & Deon Brown Special Thanks to Helena Grayson at SWAY Events, Ron & Lee at Apollo’s, and all the great Sexy Bartenders!

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OUTRAGEOUS! Auto Makers Team Up with Starbucks for “Coffee Car” DETROIT— Good news from the Motor City! Our everincreasing dependency on fossil fuels to power our automobiles and gas prices spiking may come to an end!

Major automobile ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE makers’ industrial designers teamed with roasters and barristas at Seattle-based coffee giant Starbucks developing a car engine that runs exclusively on java.

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

“I can’t believe it!” said Larry Driggs, 47, a resident of Portland. “Dude, this is amazing!

No more gas stations! One stop shopping for my non-fat, half-caff, triple grande quarter sweet sugar-free vanilla, non-fat lactaid, extra-hot, extra-foamy caramel macciato!

And I’m helping the environment, too!”

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

“Our resources for petroleum products are limited—now more than ever,” reported Steve Ling at Ford Motor Company. “It made perfect sense to collaborate with another corporate giant ANY TO TRUTH IS IS TRAGICALLY Starbucks pricing will be ACCIDENTAL adjusted withRESEMBLANCE unlimited reserves of capital—and ANY RESEMBLANCE TOTHE THE TRUTH TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL accordingly per cup to each gallon at coffee, like Starbucks—to create the the pump. For example, if each cup of perfect automobile: one that runs on coffee coffee costs $3.50, price per gallon will instead of gasoline. Coffee is a renewable accordingly escalate to approximately $56 resource!” per gallon.

The prototype for the new car, tentatively “It sure is a good thing we’re not dependent called “The Jitterbug,” was showcased in on Starbucks,” said Driggs. “Are we?”

Detroit, puttering around test grounds and the city getting 52 MPG highway, and 48 MPG city.

OUTRAGEOUS!

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OUTRAGEOUS!

Angelina Jolie Begs: “Give My Right Leg to Zsa Zsa!” OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

HOLLYWOOD— Just days after the humanitarian, philanthropist and talent-free so-called “actress” Angelina Jolie’s fabulous ANY RESEMBLANCE right leg took the red carpet of the 2012 Academy Awards™ by storm, she publicly announced that she would privately perform an act of compassion so selfless that it could only happen in Hollywood. For Hollywood.

a fleet of publicity agents and the press corps is involved.”

Jolie announced

feeling that TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY with ACCIDENTAL she will have her awkward right leg removed and donated to the aged 95-yearold HungarianAmerican film star whose failing health required the amputation of her right leg last year.

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

“But I definitely

ANY TRUTH IS IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL want the Salvatore ANYRESEMBLANCE RESEMBLANCETO TOTHE THE TRUTH TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL “It’s times like this that make you grateful for all the things you have in life. Fame, fortune, a hot, sexy husband you stole from Jennifer Aniston and an entourage of children, both, biological and adopted,” Jolie said in a press conference.

“But giving of yourself is to others is what really means something, especially when

Ferragamo peeka-boo shoe back,” demanded Jolie. “She can’t have that. It was a loaner.” Jolie hopes to option film rights to the story called, “Me and My Right Leg.” Jolie’s husband Brad Pitt commented, “Angie can always lean on me. Literally.”

OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

OUTRAGEOUS!

Girl Scout Cookie Flops OUTRAGEOUS!

NEW YORK— Since 1917 the Girls Scouts of the USA been baking and selling cookies as a fundraiser for ANY RESEMBLANCE local troops.

This year Girl Scout bakeries premiered the wildly successful Savannah Smiles to add to their varieties of popular favorites.

OUTRAGEOUS!

experiment with recipes for years. Some cookies just don’t work.”

Girl Scout Cookies that didn’t meet TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL or exceed expectations include flavor varieties including Caca-Doodies, Barfy Bites, Sox Stinx, and Madonna Wannabees—a weird concoction that tastes remarkably like Botox, Clairol’s Nice ‘n’ Easy Born Blonde and stale bubblegum which came with aACCIDENTAL hefty price tag Years of testing, tasting and trial an error ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH TRAGICALLY of $300 for one lousy cookie. In a crummy goes into the creation of a Girl Scout section. Beware of knock-off Madonna Cookie before they reach that little girl standing at your door. Thin Mints, Samoas, Wannabees, too.

Do-Si-Dos, Tagalongs and others are long “Not every cookie is a winner,” said Muñoz. time favorites. Other potential cookies “But if you can’t stand the cookie, stay out don’t pass muster. of the jar. Something like that. I don’t know “It’s hard,” said Camilla Muñoz, Baker anymore.” in Chief of Girl Scout Cookies. “We

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

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Dealbreakers

by Rob Hoffman 86

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Y

ou’re hanging out at your fave bar with a clutch of your friends. I use the word “clutch” because it’s more fun. Like a small handbag dripping with diamonds and rubies. Anywho, you spot a guy in a pair of tight jeans and a wife-beater with his back toward you. His body is perfection. Muscles popping out of his tank, great hair in the back, and a butt you could eat your eggs on. Your friends notice you staring at this demi-god as he turns in your direction. One of your friends gasps as you throw up a little in your mouth: he’s got a face like a foot. The eyes aren’t aligned quite right, the nose is crooked in two directions and there’s a gaggle of moles for you to play connect-the-dots. Foot-face notices you looking and he gives you a smile flashing his tooth. That, my friends, is a deal breaker. The body of death is trumped by the hideous face. No way you’re interested in that. What would your friends say? You start scanning the room for someone else.

When we’re young, there’s a whole different set of rules for hooking up. You want the most gorgeous guy in the room. If your friends are watching, you don’t settle for anything less. Of course you go home alone every night with Rosie Palm as your date. But still, you can’t have your friends making fun of you for sleeping with anything less than to-die-for. “I see you hooked up with Acne Face the other night. Did you use Oxy-10 for lube?”

If you’re out cruising alone, though, with no chance of your friends finding out who you hooked up with, the rules,

i.e. standards, change. Well, they sink. To the bottom of your very shallow pool. You’ll flirt and go home with the guy with the sideboobs. You know the one: he’s got the shirt with the arm holes cut out and if you stand on his side, you can see his pasty, fleshy boobs resting atop his stomach.

You’ll do the guy with the toupée, or the guy with the very messy hairdon’t, or the guy with the tufts of hair sticking out of the back of the neck of his shirt, or even the guy with the ping-pong paddle ears. Your standards have all but disappeared.

As you get older, you’ll notice that, indeed, your standards have disappeared. You’ll do Mr. Acne Face as a badge of honor. You can tell your friends, “I got someone who is young enough to need Oxy-10.” “Those sideboobs disappear when he lays on his back and throws his legs in the air.”

“The toupee is a Dolce and Gabbana original! He’s worth millions!” Of course, bad breath is one deal breaker you can never over look. But that foot-face? Just shove his head into a pillow while you go to town. _

Robert Hofmann is the author of three books, Surrounded by Insanity, An Ordinary Madness, and his latest, One Brain Cell Away from Retarded. He lives in Wilton Manors, Florida, with his partner of 16 years and welcomes email from readers at robshof@aol.com.

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90 2012 90 www.IONAZ.com www.IONAZ.com February March 2012

IONARIZONA 1.

Alpha Boys Cabaret

1702 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

2.

Amsterdam

718 N. Central Ave. - Downtown PHX (602) 258-6122

3.

2303 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 956-2885

4.

Anvil

Apollo’s

5749 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

(602) 277-9373

5.

Bar 1

3702 N. 16th St. - Phoenix

(602) 266-9001

6.

Bliss / Rebar

901 N. 4th St. - Phoenix

(602) 795-1792

7.

BS West

7125 E. 5th Ave. - Scottsdale

(480) 945-9028

8.

Bunkhouse

4428 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 200-9154

9.

Cash Inn

2140 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 244-9943

10. Charlie’s

727 W. Camelback Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 265-0224

11. Club 24

2424 E. Thomas Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 334-1462

12. Cruisin’ 7th

13. Dick’s Cabaret

3702 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

(602) 212-9888

3432 E. Illini Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 274-DICK

14. FLEX Men’s Club

1517 S Black Canyon Hwy - Phoenix

(602) 271-9011

15. Friends

1028 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix (602) 277-7729

16. icepics videobar

3108 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 267-8707

17. Karamba

1724 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 254-0231

18. Kobalt

3110 N. Central Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 264-5307

19. OZ

1804 W. Bethany Home Rd. - Phoenix (602) 242-5114

20. Plazma

1560 E. Osborn Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 266-0477

21. Rainbow Cactus

15615 N. Cave Creek Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 971-1086

22. The Rock

23. Roscoe’s

4129 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 248-8559

4531 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

(602) 285-0833

24. ZOAN (formerly Z Girl)

4301 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 265-3233

26. IBT’S See map on pg 90

616 N. 4th Ave. - Tucson

(520) 882-3053

27. Woody’s See map on pg 90 3710 N. Oracle Rd. - Tucson

Recommended

(480) 374-3222

(520) 292-3702

February March 2012 www.IONAZ.com www.IONAZ.com 91 91

Photos by Danny Catt

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IBT’S TUCSON

March 2012 www.IONAZ.com 93

IONBAR GUIDE PHOENIX

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

Dollar Dances Specials all night

Dollar Dances Specials all night

2-4-1 VIP Dances

Amsterdam

Signature Night

One Woman Show Kiki Vermont $3 Smirnoff Cocktails

Karaoke 1/2 OFF for Arts & Industry

Apollo’s

2-4-1 well & domestic 4pm-10pm

$5 red cup/50¢ refills 10a-10p Karaoke 9pm

$5 red cup/50¢ refills 10a-10p Male Strippers 10:30pm

Bar 1

10a-4p $2 well/ Bud Lt draft HH 4-7 $2.50 well, bottle & draft

10a-4p $2 well/ Bud Lt draft $2 dom bottle 6-9p

Shirtless Sundays! $1.25 Bud Light draft w/ shirt off

Happier Hour 3-6:30p 2-4-1well $5 martinis-$3 all beer & h wine

Brunch 10am-2pm $4 Bloody $3 glass or $10 mimosas pitch

Sunday Chill 2-7pm 2-4-1 alcohol / $10 bucket beer

BS West

Elements Show 10pm $3 u-call it beer & $5 cocktails

2-4-1 All Day and All Night Go-go boys, extended patios

Karaoke with Brock @ 9:30p Drink Specials

Charlie’s

$3 pitchers/2-4-1 well/dom 2-7p $1 Happy Hour 7-9p/Afterhours

$3 pitch./2-4-1 well/dom 12-7p $1 Happy Hour 7-9p/Afterhours

Volleyball 4-7pm, NEW 3-4-1 $3 Long Islands, $3 pitchers

NEW! Club 24

2-4-1 ALL Cocktails 3-10pm Open 3pm-2am

2-4-1 ALL Cocktails 3-10pm Open 3pm-2am

2-4-1 ALL Cocktails 3-10pm MALE STRiPPERS! 8:30pm

Cruisn’ 7th

Dotty Fridays 10:30 pm 2-4-1 ALL Cocktails 6-9pm

Stripper Saturdays 4:30 pm Fabulous Mia Saturdays 10:30

Morning Madness 1st & 3rd Sun $3 Svedka cocktails 7p-close

Dick’s Cabaret

2-4-1 VIP Dances 7pm ‘til 9pm

Off the Hook Tons of Prizes & Giveaways

2-4-1 Cover Charge, Dances & VIP Wristbands

$3 Pomegranate Presses Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

$3 Bottle Beer & Tequila Shot Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

$3 Brunch Drinks 50% off bottles of wine

NEW! Alpha Boys

R Bliss / ReBAR

R FEZ Friends

Sunday Brunch 10am-2pm $12.50 Mimosa & Bloody Mary Specials

H.H. FREE Appetizers 5-7pm Freeky Friday w/Celia Putty

icepics

MEAT - Hot Go Go Dancers $2.50 dom / $3 well / $4 Lg Isl.

Drag Show $4 SKYY cocktails 10pm

Show Tunes Sundays 2pm-8pm 2-4-1 drinks

Karamba

Vaquero Fridays 9pm-11pm Reverse Happy Hour $2 drinks

Top 40 Saturdays 9pm-11pm Reverse Happy Hour $2 drinks

Top 40 Sundays Diamond Show $3 Pitcher Beer Bust

R Maizie’s

Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

Happy Hour Brunch 9a-2p 3-6pm Everyday

Brunch All Day Closes at 4pm

R Mi Patio

Fridays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Saturdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Sundays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

OZ Bar

Karaoke w/Miss Gina 9pm-1am 2-4-1 Every Day 6am-2pm

2-4-1 Every Day 6am-2pm Texas Hold’em 8 &10pm

L.A.D.S Bingo 1pm & 3pm $1 draft Bud, BL, Amberbock all day

The Rock

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm- Open 2-2 $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm-Open 11-2 $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm-Open 11-2 $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

R Roscoe’s*

Fiesta Friday $3 Cervezas Roscoe’s Dancers @ 10:30pm

Happy Hour 10am-7pm Free Darts All afternoon

Make your Bloody Mary Bar $8 Lg Isnd Pitch. $3 Beer Pitch.

R Switch

Fri: $3 House Margaritas Open from 11am-Midnight

Sat: $3 House Cosmo Martini Open from 10am-Midnight

$3 Sweet Tea Vodka Lemonade $3 Breakfast Carafes Open @ 10

R Ticoz

Fridays 1/2 off Coronas all day Happy Hour 3-6:30pm

Saturday 1/2 off well vodka Brunch 10a-3p - HH 3-6:30p

Sundays 1/2 off Sangria Pitch Brunch 10a-3p - HH 3-6:30

Happy Hour 5-9pm DJ Spin 9pm-Close

Happy Hour 1 5-9pm DJ Spin 9pm-Close

Happy Hour 5-9pm $5 Heel Lifter w/ John Breem 9p-cl

IBT’s

Flawless Fridays China Colins Karaoke

Saturday Night Starlets w/Janee Starr Karaoke

Cheap Ass Sundays Karaoke

Woody’s

Happy Hour 11am-8pm

Happy Hour 11am-8pm

Happy Hour 11am-8pm Karaoke 4pm-2am

NEW! Zoan

TUCSON

R 94

FULL MENU

* LIMITED MENU/TIMES

www.IONAZ.com February 2012

FREE PROJECT HARD HAT CONDOMS

MONDAY Closed Mondays

TUESDAY Closed Tuesday

Martini Mondays $5 Martinis Drag Bingo 9:30 2 for 1 u-call-it all day/night

Live Cabaret Show 8 pm $2 off any martini

Monday Beer Bust $1 Bud Light draft 4p-close

KAROKE @9pm $2.50 well, dom bottle & drafts

Student Salvation Mondays $20 Plate of apps + bottle wine

Twofer Tuesdays $20 2 burgers/fries/2 dom beer

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

Amateur Show 9pm

2-4-1 VIP Dances

$1 Beer Wednesdays $1 Domestic Beer

Show Night: Kik Vermont $3 Smirnoff & $3 All Beers

$2.75 Happy Hour Prices All day/all night

Karaoke 9:30pm

$1 OFF in your undies/leather 10a-4p $2 well/ Bud Lt draft

2-4-1 U Call It 4pm- close

2-4-1 Wednesdays 9pm-close 2-4-1 on ALL drinks

Thirstday Thursdays $4 AMF, Lng Islnd/ Skinny drink

I Love My Wii - Games all night Stars of Tomorrow 8:30p $2 domestic beer / $3 well $1 Off Beer / $2 Off Call

2-4-1 All Day and All Night Go-go boys, extended patios

Amateur Strip Night w/ Mandi $3 u-call it beer & $5 cocktails

Underwear Party 8-cl 2-4-1 2-8pm $3 pitch. 2-4-1 well/dom

2-8p $3 pitch./2-4-1 well/dom 8p-close $3 Smirnoff

2-4-1 All Day! Cocktails and beer

2-4-1 ALL Cocktails 3-10pm Open 3pm-2am

2-4-1 ALL Cocktails 3-10pm Open 3pm-2am

2-8p $3 pitch./2-4-1 well/dom 8p-Close 2-4-1 cocktails/dom

2-4-1 ALL Cocktails 6-9pm

2-4-1 ALL Cocktails 6-9pm Karaoke 9pm

Steppin’ Out TC Taylor hosts 10:30 pm - $2 domestic

Strippers 10:30 pm 2-4-1 ALL Cocktails 6-9pm

2-4-1 Cover Charge, Dances, VIP Wristbands

Amateur Night Starts at 10pm

WTF Wednesdays $5 Cover and almost everything else

Stripper Karaoke

$3 Burgers $ Margaritas Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

‘tini Tuesdays $3 Martinis Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

$20 Any Bottle of Wine Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

$3 G Spots Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

Monday Night Karaoke 9p-1a 2-4-1 8am-2pm (M-F)

NEW: Meatgrinder 9p Dating Game w/ Celia Putty

NEW: AMIGOS Go-go boys/DJ $5 Latin Inspired Drink

2-4-1 Thursday Well & Domestic ALL DAY

FREE Poker Tournament 7pm and 10pm

GLEE starting at 7pm 2-4-1 drinks during the show

Karaoke starting at 9pm $3 well/$2.50 dom./$4 martinis

2-4-1 in undies beer/well 9p-cl $3 Three Olives Thursdays

Karaoke Mondays DJ Ramon $2 drinks & $3 Pitch. Beer Bust

Salsa Tuesday Savannah Show $2 drinks & $3 Pitch. Beer Bust

Top 40 Wed. Barbra Seville $2 drinks & $3 Pitch. Beer Bust

TEJANO Ruby Show $2 drinks & $3 Pitch. Beer Bust

$4 Bistro Burgers 4-10pm $10 off of all Bottled Wines

Pizza/Wine Special Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

BBQ Short Ribs Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

$3 Mexican Beers Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

Mondays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Tuesdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Wednesdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Thursdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

2-4-1 ALL DRINKS, ALL DAY! In-House Dart League Tour. 8p

Dart League 7pm In-House Cash Pool Tour. 9pm

2-4-1 Every Day 6am-2pm Texas Hold’em 8 &10pm

2-4-1 Every Day 6am-2pm Texas Hold’em 8 &10pm

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm- Open 2-2 $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm- Open 2-2 $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm- Open 2-2 $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm- Open 2-2 $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

Monday Pool Tournament 2-4-1 beer & well 7pm-close

2 for Tuesdays 2-4-1 drinks all day

Wednesday TRIVIA @ 9pm All Day Happy Hour

Gold Fish Races @ 9pm 2-4-1 7pm

Mon: $3 House Chard and Cab Open from 11am-Midnight

Tue: $3 Drunken Italian Sodas Open from 11am-Midnight

Wed: $3 Sangrias Open from 11am-Midnight

Thur: $3 Caipirinhas Open from 11am-Midnight

Mondays 1/2 off Mojitos HH 3-6:30pm - Open 11am-Mid

Tuesdays 1/2 off Sangrias HH 3-6:30pm - Open 11am-Mid

Wednesdays 1/2 off Margaritas HH 3-6:30pm - Open 11am-Mid

Thursdays 1/2 off draft beer HH 3-6:30pm - Open 11am-Mid

Happy Hour 5-9pm S.I.N. 2-4-1 for service indstry

Happy Hour 5-9pm 2-4-1 9pm-Close

Happy Hour 5-9pm Karaoke @ 9pm

Happy Hour 5-9pm Beer Bust $2 Pitchers

Reverse Happy Hour

Taco Tuesdays Only $1 From Chef James Espino

Viva La Diva!

Janee Starr & Special Guests

Therapy Thursdays 2-4-1 Go-go Dancers 10pm

Happy Hour 11am-8pm

Happy Hour 11am-8pm 2-4-1 Tuesdays 9pm

Happy Hour 11am-8pm

Happy Hour 11am-8pm

ION ARIZONA February 2012 www.IONAZ.com 95

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by Addison DeWitt

M

arch 8th is World Kidney Day. There are several people in this world I’d gladly give a good kidney to.

And Celia Putty is one of ‘em.

From “The Pantyhose Must Go On!” files: Poor, poor Celia Putty! What a trouper!

Despite losing her voice she performed at her weekly “Freaky Friday Show” at Friend’s despite a wicked case of “Bea Arthur-itis” that left her a with the same gravelvoice of the fabled Golden Girlslash-hermaphrodite who played Dorothy Zbornak, much to the glee of her galpal in a garterbelt, Barbra Seville. Seeing poor, sweet, little Celia up there, valiantly struggling at her brave little pantomime mouthing the words of a song was like watching that movie, “The Artist.” Her sweet, little, red rosebud of a mouth would move and her lips would wiggle and she would squawk while no words came out while she lip-synched. Always compassionate, Barbra shared with me, privately, “What can I say?

Well, at least I can say something: thank God it’s her and not me. Don’t worry; it’s not like she reads this magazine anyway.”

I know, Barbra. I know. Our Little Miss (Don’t-Let-Your-Pecker-) Show Business told me the very same thing. The. Very.

Same. Thing. But on a positive note: Celia does look at the pictures of the cute boys in ION. That same weekend Celia (who plays Richie Black in real life) and partner Bill Brooks played midwives to some filthy, sinful, slutty neighborhood whore-cat who

gave birth to six poor, little bastard kittens at their home. Richie squeaked, “_______. _________!” which I interpreted that to mean, “Mother and children are doing fine.” (Please reference tragic voice loss mentioned above if you don’t get it.) And you said that you don’t know nuthin’ ‘bout birthin’ no kitties, Miss Celia! Bless you, Richie and Bill. Bless you both.

NOTE: All bad girls who find themselves “in trouble” may drop off their unwanted infants and kittens in care of “Sister Celia Mary Britney Cher Gaga’s Orphanage and Home for Wayward Drag Queens, Female Impersonators, Foundlings and Cats” in care of Friends Bar every Friday night (showtime promptly at 9:30 p.m.). But a cat would not get one of my kidneys. Sorry.

Logo TV’s hard-on throb Levi Crocker from the all drinkin’, all screwin’, all fightin’ reality show A-List: Dallas made a celebrity appearance when he moseyed on over to Tan United to promote his “Inchear” Underwear after the AGRA Rodeo. It’s all part of Levi’s “No Schlong Left Behind” campaign.

Levi shared with me that he doesn’t wear underwear. I just hope he’s prepared for the consequences if he’s ever in an accident.

That’s all I can say. I’m sure that his famous mother, Betty, warned him, too. Here’s a picture of Levi biting the luscious ass of Jason, who works at Tan United. Color me jealous. I’d give a kidney for Levi to bite my behind.

How many kidneys does a person need, anyway?

March 2012 www.IONAZ.com 97

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

You know you’re a (piece of) work in progress. That’s part of your charm. If it’s your birthday, know that you’ll be just about perfect late in the month. How does it feel?

Try feeling Libra. They really like it.

Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22

To dream the impossible dream ... make sure it doesn’t turn into a nightmare by staying focused with your eye on the prize. And if that prize involves a little ‘sumpin’-sumpin’’ with a sexy Aquarian, your doing your job!

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23

That good luck you garnered comes in handy late this month when you find yourself in a pickle, thanks to a sneaky frenemy.

Damn frenemies! A Scorpio helps dish out with some oh-so-sweet revenge. Lick it up!

The warm weather has you feeling slightly zany and kinda kooky. But that’s okay!

You’ll keep control underneath it all. Still, a Capricorn gets you hot ‘n’ bothered. That’s weird because they’re usually kinda stuffy next to you.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23

Are you looking over a four-leaf clover?

You should probably be looking over your shoulder instead. Why? Because there’s a Libra and an Capricorn who have it out for you. A lion-hearted Leo sticks up for you!

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Find a penny, pick it up! Your good fortune never seems to end—even if only one penny at a time. Remember, it’s nice to share. A greedy Pisces takes an extra helping from your plate this month. That’s a Pisces for you.

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22

Zip-a-dee-do-da! Zip-a-dee-yay! My, oh my, what a wonderful day! But Mr. Bluebird on your shoulder takes a poop on your head, so that kinda sucks. Wear a hat! Mr. Bluebird looks an awful lot like an Aries to me.

Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22

Look for the silver lining! It’s somewhere over the rainbow, on the sunny side of the street. Every optimistic song is your theme and a whole chorus bursts into song. Kinda like Glee, but not nearly as annoying. Are you in love?

98

www.IONAZ.com March 2012

A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, but not in the most delightful way, I’m afraid. A Taurus looks suspicious when a plot is exposed. Admit you were an accomplice and you’ll be rewarded. Warning: the reward may be Skittles.

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20

The whole Whitney thing has put you in a tailspin. No TMZ or E! Channel for you. Keep grounded. You’re usually so serious, but this month you’re just plain weird. Ask a friendly Libra to bitch-slap you and it’ll be fine. They like that sort of thing.

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

It’s time to get in tune with Mother Nature this month. Feel the earth beneath your feet, fresh air in your lungs. Take a cityslicker Virgo and make love at night under the stars. Or in a hotel. It works either way.

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

You’re just gettin’ your freak on early in the month when a certain Capricorn decides it’s time to fall in love. You’ll be playing King or Queen of Hearts with a Sagittarius and a Cancer. Birthday Pisces bring sexy back and forth, up, down and sideways.

March 2012 www.IONAZ.com 99