ION Arizona Febuary 2010

February 2010

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FREE WIFI FREE WIFI FREE WIFI FREE WIFI FREE WIFI FREE WIFI FREE WIFI Open Daily Mon-Sat 9AM to 2AM Sun Noon to 2AM

at 9PM Karaoke Mondays Fridays at 10PM .......

The Rockers and Rockettes Review Every Wednesday at 9PM featuring Saellah V .......

Mya Mckenzie Presents Diamond Dolls Every Saturday at 10:30PM .......

Bitter!

1st Annual Anti Valentine’s Day Party Speed Dating and Drink Specials Come and meet Mr. Right Now! Sunday 2-14-10 @ 7pm

.......

Mardi GRAS

with The Bears of the West

Food...Drinks...Dancing...and Bears gone wild!!

Tuesday, 2-16-10 @ 6PM

.......

Miss Queen of the Desert 2010 Arabian Nights

preliminary to Miss Gay Arizona America

Sunday, 2-28-10 @ 8PM 4129 N 7th Ave Phoenix, AZ 85013

602.248.8559

therockdmphoenix.com

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ION Arizona and Heatstroke News Merge!

Throughout history, there have been

many great partnerships in the business world. In our community, history is being made today.

I am very excited to announce that ION Arizona and Heatstroke News have entered into a partnership that will allow each publication to merge their resources to create an even stronger magazine and introduce a new online news source. We welcome Bill Knoop as a new addition to the ION team. Bill brings us over 20 years of television, radio, publishing, design and sales experience. We’re excited to consolidate our two teams to make our community better.

This is great for our community, great for our non-profits, great for Gay and Gay-friendly businesses. We plan to combine our resources while growing our combined audiences. Arizona doesn’t need more publications, we need stronger ones.

Let the fun begin!

I

am very excited and proud to join ION’s team of great and talented people.

With the combination of Heatstroke News and ION Arizona, you will see us have a greater presence throughout the Valley and state as our new team works to promote all of our community’s events in a way never seen here before.

Beginning this month with the AGRA Rodeo, we will launch an entirely new promotional platform that will make us more accessible to you. Not to mention more fun!

The new MyHeatstroke.com will contain all the news and opinions in our community. It won’t hold back and we don’t want you to either. We plan to launch the new MyHeatstroke.com by March 1st.

Join us on our new journey. On behalf of all of us, thank you.

Bill Knoop Heatstroke News Director

Jack Tesorero Publisher / Founder

February 2010

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3819 North 3rd Street Ste. #10, Phoenix, AZ 85012

(602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com

ionarizona@me.com

Publisher

Jack M. Tesorero - Ext. 5 ........... jacktesorero@me.com FUN DIRECTOR Bill Knoop .............................................. (602) 262-2524 CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw - Ext. 4 ..................... kbushaw@me.com Editor AND CONTENT CZAR Deon Brown - Ext. 3 .................. ionazeditor@me.com PRODUCTION ASSISTANT Craig Rubin ................................. ionarizona@me.com IONAZ.tv Director Mike Chesworth ...................... chesworthmd@me.com PRODUCTION & Artwork ionazproduction@me.com Advertising Sales Jorge Suarez, Ext 2 ..................... ionazsales@me.com Photographers:

Jerry O’Conner Kurtis Scholz

Don Thompson Michael Chesworth

National Advertising Representative Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 ContributORS:

Corey Blanchette Wes Bergman Addison DeWitt Jackson David Kelly

Justin Gonzales Ted Kirby Kim Ruff Paul Sanchez

To Grow your business, call (602) 308-4662 ext 2 Published monthly by

© 2010 Tesorero Omni Media

a JMT Designs, Inc. company

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN THE USA

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.

NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company.

Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications.

All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

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1995-2010: 15 Years of Design and Creative Excellence

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SuperBowl Party Touchdown! Embrace your inner jock on a day where it’s important to know a Quarterback isn’t a refund!

Celebrate the biggest day in football at Roscoe’s on Sunday, February 7th with the tailgate party starts at noon. This Superbowl Sunday will be fun for all, it doesn’t matter if your’e a Linebacker or a Wide Receiver! 4531 N. 7th St, Phoenix. 602-285-0833

AGRA’s Road Runner Regional Rodeo

You’ll see great asses, and pretty horses too! Giddyup!

See more tight denim and big buckles than you can throw a lassoo around. Events run all Valentine’s weekend. Don’t miss the fun this month February 13-14 at Rawhide Western Town at Wildhorse Pass. www.agra-phx.com

Heaven and Hell Weekend

Who said you had to chose whether you went to Heaven or Hell?

On Friday February 12-13 you can get the best of both afterlife’s at Heaven and Hell Weekend at BS West. On Friday February 12th put on your best angelic face and wings, along with your best behavior and enjoy $5 hurricanes, beads, giveaways, and more. The next night it’s time to spice it up and get a little naughty, because Saturday February 13 there are 2-4-1 drinks all night long, dancing devils, and more! Once Monday rolls around, you can decide where you’d like to end up for eternity.. 7125 E. 5th Ave, Scottsdale. 480-945-9028.

Mardi Gras Party You did WHAT to get those beads?! Just because you can’t go to New Orleans doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate Fat Tuesday in style! Head on over to Amsterdam Tuesday February 16 for their Mardi Gras Party! There will be giveaways, cash prizes, a costume contest, and to top it off $3 Southern Comfort and $4 Bacardi! With those prices, you might just wake up with a whole neck full of beads! 718 N. Central Ave, Phoenix.

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Apollo’s Bar With Benefits Weekend Join Apollo’s for their Bar with Benefits Weekend this February 19-21! On Friday the celebration kicks off with a Raffle Night hosted by Miss Goddess Apollo’s herself Sasha Sinclair, and come back the next night for the Divas of the Decade of Decadence show, a benefit for Camp Incredible. And last but not least, its that time of the year again! The time where your favorite drink slingers get together and compete for the title of Sexiest Bartender of the Year! On Sunday February 21 come to Apollo’s to find out which one of your favorite Bartenders is going to obtain 365 days worth of bragging rights! 5749 N. 7th St., Phoenix. For more information call 602-277-9373.

FEBRUARY 2010 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE EVENT & LOCATION CITY Check out bar and nightclub ads in this issue for daily & weekly specials!

2 6 6 7 7 10 11 12-14 15 13-14 14 14 16 16 16 19-21 19-20 20 22 27 28

Mustache Ride at icepics Phoenix Miss & Mister Phoenix Gay Pride Pageant, The Wyndham Phoenix Thieves Market, Downtown Cave Creek Cave Creek Superbowl Party at Roscoe’s Phoenix Superbowl Party at Karamba Phoenix Annual Mini Rodeo at Charlie’s Phoenix This Is It at Sky Lounge Phoenix Heaven and Hell Weekend at BS West Scottsdale New AZ Gay Volleyball Season Starts, Steele Park Phoenix AGRA’s Road Runner Regional Rodeo at Rawhide Chandler Anti Valentine’s Day Party at The Rock Phoenix Valentines Day Party at Karamba Phoenix Mardi Gras at Amsterdam Phoenix Mardi Gras Party at Karamba Phoenix Fat Tuesday at Velocity Phoenix Bar With Benefits Weekend at Apollo’s Phoenix Customer Appreciation Party at Dick’s Cabaret Phoenix Thieves Market, Downtown Cave Creek Cave Creek He’s a Rebel Yell at icepics Phoenix White Out Party at BS West Scottsdale Miss Queen of the Desert 2010 at The Rock Phoenix

MARCH 3 13

Karamba Idol Premiere Cactus Citie’s Chili Cook Off, Roscoes

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Renaissance Festival The good ol’ days! Long before there was Swine Flu, there was the Bubonic Plague. Party like it’s 1599 at the Renaissance Festival! Where else can you eat huge turkey legs, drink grog, and act like a shameless hussy? Take the US 60 East, just beyond the Gold Canyon Golf Resort. The Festival is every Saturday and Sunday from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. from Feb. 6-March 28. Visit www.RoyalFaires.com for more info or call 520-463-2700

D-backs Fan Fest Hey, batter, batter, batter, SWING! If you like balls – and we’re guessing you do – this is your chance to see the Arizona Diamondbacks up close and personal with current and former players. Q&A meetings, autographs sessions, and everything Diamondbacks! Maybe you’ll even get your balls signed! It all happens at Chase Field on Saturday, February 13 from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. And it’s FREE! 401 E. Jefferson St. Phone: 602-462-3800

VNSA Booksale Calling all bookworms! Stock up on your reading at the fabulous 54th Annual VNSA Booksale at the State Fairgrounds Exhibition Hall Saturday and Sunday, Feb. 13-14 open at 8 a.m. both days. You’ll find novels, romances, yearbooks, magazines, encyclopedias, new and old books. Build the library you’ve always wanted for cheap! Don’t miss out on the Antique Fair, either. 17th Avenue and McDowell Rd. Visit www.VNSAbooksale.org for more info.

FEBRUARY 2010 ION around town listings DATE

5-7 6-3/28 11-21 12-3/12 13 13-14 13-14 14 20 21 22-28 26-28 27-28 27-28 24

ARTIST / EVENT LOCATION Chocolate Affaire Renaissance Festival Scottsdale Arabian Horse Show - Westworld Alwun House Exotic Art Show Diamondbacks Fan Fest - Chase Field Antiques Market - AZ State Fairgrounds VNSA Booksale - AZ State Fairgrounds Willo Home Tour Parada del Sol Parade Jr. League Rummage Sale - AZ State Fairgrounds Phoenix Open - TPC at the Fairmont Parada del Sol Rodeo - Westworld AZ Scottish Highland Games - Indian School Park Matsuri Festival - Heritage Square

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Downtown Glendale Apache Jctn.

Scottsdale Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Scottsdale Phoenix Scottsdale Scottsdale Phoenix Phoenix

ELEMeNTS

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February 2010

Charo

Pop culture icon, Love Boat star, and one of the top Flamenco guitarists in the world, everybody’s favorite little Spanish Spitfire is coming to the Higley Center for the Performing Arts on Saturday, February 13. Catch her brilliance, fire, humor, talent and a little “Cuchi, cuchi” if you’re lucky! 4132 E. Pecos Rd. Gilbert. www.

ChandlerArts.com or call 480-782-2680

Mariah Carey The legendary, melismatic Mimi, and beloved star of the hit movie “Glitter” will be singing for her supper on Saturday, February 20.

Frankly, we can’t wait to see what kind of zany things she might do. You never know with her. Catch this Butterfly at the Dodge Theatre, 400 W. Washington. Visit www.LiveNation.com or call 602-379-2888 for tickets.

Bon Jovi

If “Bad Medicine” is what you need, then hustle your own bad-ass self to the Jobing.com Arena to see those New Jersey rockers do it like only they can with legendary sex magnet and former hairdresser Jon Bon Jovi reducing the little girls – and maybe a few dudes – into a quivering pool of lust. Just wait and see. For tix visit www.JobingArena.com or call 623-772-3800.

FEBRUARY 2010 ION Concert Calendar DATE ARTIST / EVENT LOCATION 21-3/7 4-7 5 5 5 9 13 17 18 18 19 20 20 21 24 26-28

AZ Musicfest Mitzi Gaynor George Strait & Rebe McEntyre ABBA Fab George Winston Chris Botti Charo Alice in Chains Henry Rollins David Sanborn Roslyn Kind Mariah Carey Michael Feinstein Jason Castro Bon Jovi Salute to the Tonys

various locations Wildhorse Pass US Airways Center SKYE Platinum Room Mesa Arts Ctr. Dodge Theatre Hale Ctr. for the Arts Dodge Theatre Marquee Theatre Celebrity Theatre SKYE Platinum Room Dodge Theatre Scotts. Ctr. for the Arts Rhythm Room Jobing.com Arena Symphony Hall

February 2010

480-488-0806 800-WIN-GILA 800-745-3000 602-334-0010 480-644-6500 602-379-2888 480-782-2680 602-379-2888 480-829-0707 602-267-1600 602-334-0010 602-379-2888 480-994-ARTS 800-745-3000 623-772-3800 602-495-1999

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by Jackson David Kelly davekjackson@cox.net

Yo, DJ! What’s New? February continues the tradition of music hibernation. However, as we look toward the future there’s a lot to be excited about.

Christina Aguilera plans to release Bionic in April, while in the fall both Beyoncé and Madonna have hopes for fourth quarter releases. In addition, 2010 is prime for new Mariah (remixes), Britney, Usher, J-Lo, Maroon 5, Janet and MGMT.

Sade

Soldier Of Love This is Sade’s first album in nine years. While most artists become irrelevant by not staying in the limelight, Sade keeps it fresh, current and smart. On these ten tracks listeners are taken down a mournful, emotional and dramatic road all while being caressed with Sade’s signature haunting yet calming voice. Title track and first single showcases an Enigma-esque backbeat and a slow and luring drum cadence while “Bring Me Home” becomes this album’s “anthem” and most unusual bassline. Other tracks of note include the seductive and Latin “Moon & Sky” and “Skin,” a melancholy song of a failed romance. Overall this album shines brightly.

BT

These Hopeful Machines After changing the face of Electronica with Binary Universe, BT is poised to keep pushing the envelope. Packaged as a two-disc set, BT showcases two hours of sweeping orchestral arrangements, pulsating electronic beats and a dose of vocal melodies.

First single “Suddenly” proves current with its electro pop vibe while “Every Other Way” continues his trademark trance feel by using the vocalist from Motorcycle (“As

the Rush Comes”.) Other standout songs include the pitter pat of “Rose of Jericho,” an instrumental barrage of perfectly timed blips and “Emergency,” a classic BT track using a sample of the Psychedelic Furs song “Ghost.”

Daniel Merriweather Love & War

After a solid release in Europe and Australia, Daniel hopes to gain statewide success. His work with Mark Ronson (Aguilera and Winehouse) was superb in “Stop Me” and his full length showcases more of that brilliance. For those not familiar with this artist, think male Amy Winehouse with a dash of Jason Mraz in a 60s & 70s throwback. On “Could You” Daniel pays homage to “California Dreamin’” while sounding incredibly soulful on “Live by Night” ; this album’s best mid-tempo ballad. And there’s the upbeat and feel-good track of this release, “Impossible.”

Enigma

Platinum Collection It’s been 20 years since the Gregorian Chants of “Sadness” made its way to the top of the chart and since, Michael Cretu (aka Enigma) has maintained that signature sound. In celebration, find this commemorative three CD set complete with a musical journey that is sure to evoke emotional harmony.

The first disc contains 17 of his biggest hits while the second offers 12 remixes including ones by ATB and Chicane. However, it’s the third disc that fans will be most excited about. It contains eleven “lost” songs that are reminiscent of early Delerium. Though most sound like early version demos, tracks four, seven and eleven prove solid.

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Come on and Do Your Thing with Venus D Lite It’s Like A Prayer has been answered. The world class Madonna impersonator Venus D Lite comes to Phoenix! This celebrated Boy Toy illusionist will be performing with our very own Barbra Seville at Forbidden’s Show Room on Saturday, February 27 and again on Sunday, February 28 at Apollo’s Lounge. So, c’mon! Vogue!

Forbidden: 6820 E. 5th Ave. Scottsdale; Apollo’s: 5749 N. 7th St. Phoenix.

FEBRUARY 2010 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE

TIME LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S)

First & Third Tues.

10:00p BS West Second & Fourth Tues. 10:00p BS West Second & Fourth Wed. Pumphouse II Mondays 7:00p Apollo’s Tuesdays 10:30p Karamba Wed. 10 Charlie’s Wednesday 10:30 Cruisin’ 7th Wednesdays 10:00p Charlie’s Wednesdays 10:30p Karamba Thursdays 10:30p Pumphouse II Thursdays 9:00p Incognito Thursdays 9:30p Amsterdam Thursdays 10:30p Karamba 3rd Thurs.

8:00p Forbidden Fridays 10:30p Cruisin’ 7th Sat. 20 9:30p Apollo’s Saturdays 10:30p Cruisin’ 7th Saturdays 10:00p The Rock Saturdays 10:00p icepics Saturdays 10:00p Forbidden Saturdays 9:30p Charlie’s Saturdays 10:30p Pumphouse II Third Saturdays 1:00p Cruisin’ 7th First Sunday Post SuperBowl Apollo’s 1st & 2rd Sundays 12:30pm Cruisin’ 7th Sunday 28 8:00pm The Rock Sundays 8:30p Charlie’s Sundays 10:30p Karamba Second Sunday 8:00p Apollo’s Sunday March 2nd 8:00p Apolo’s

Hookers In Hose with Kiki Vermont Heroine Chic with Mya & Naomi What a Drag... Pun Intended hosted by Savannah Drag Race Viewing Party Susana’s Show Newcomer of the Year Preliminary Judy & Dottie Steppin’ Out Claudia B. & Company Diamond Dallas Hosts...

Hot Bodz Male Revue w/ Savannah Divas After Dark with Dianna K. Shane Icons Live w/ Mya McKenzie & Kiki Vermont Susana’s Show Ruby ‘n’ Friends TGIF with Devina Ross Divas of the 80s Apollo’s Turnabout Dream Girls with Regina Gazelle Diamond Dolls with Mya McKenzie The Follies Comedy Drag Show The Barbra Seville Show Pussy’s Patio Show Hot Bodz Male Revue w/ Savannah Native American Revue B’way and Beyond PMMC Turnabout w/Afeelya Sunday Morning Madness Miss Queen of the Desert 2010 Pussy LeHoot & Friends Galilea’s Show That Time of The Month with Dottie TTotM with B. Seville special guest Venus D’Lite

To add your drag event, e-mail dates, times, locations & pics to kbushaw@me.com Included events must be 1) Charity Benefit OR 2) Located at an ION Arizona Advertiser 30

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MORE PICTURES AT IONA Z.COM

MISS GAY AZ USOFA

Congratulartions to Kayla Krawford, The Newly crowned Miss Gay AZ USof A & Catia Lee Love, Miss Reina Del Sol

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by Deon Brown

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photo by Carl James

Steven Petrow Explains...

We’ve asked etiquette expert and good-manners guru Steven Petrow, author of The Essential Book of Gay Etiquette for help navigating the murky waters of proper behavior and social skills for the GLBT community in this day and age.

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, Steven’s cool advice, sage wisdom, common sense and decency will help illuminate ION readers about some sticky wickets we all face when Cupid calls – and when he leaves.

ION: What challenges with etiquette and manners does the GLBT community face that are different from the rest of society?

Steven Petrow: A lot of people think that etiquette and manners are meant to straightjacket you into certain “preferred” or “good” behaviors. Actually, that’s not the case – and LGBT manners are a perfect example of why that’s not so. Because we don’t have defined customs and traditions as a community still literally coming out, many of us don’t know how to act in various situations. So, that’s why I created the web site (gayandlesbianmanners.com) to provide reliable answers to comfort and guide folks in new and challenging situations. There’s no room in my vocabulary for the word “should” : Too preachy and judgmental.

ION: Valentine’s Day can put a lot of stress on relationships, especially new ones. Any suggestions how to celebrate the day with a budding relationship?

SP: Ah, yes. So much stress when it’s a new thing or is it a fling? Here’s some help for Valentine’s Day. What do you do for Valentine’s Day when you’ve only been dating for a short time?

Many of my friends in the early stages of relationships have been vexed by this

dilemma over the years. You don’t want to let the holiday slip by unnoticed (as if that were possible in this culture), but you don’t want to do “too much” in case that shows you’re more invested than your new flame.

On the other hand, maybe you’re just having fun and sex and that’s your end game – and love’s got nothing to do with it.

First of all, stop the mind games. Ask yourself how you feel. Then follow your intuition. Another option is to talk with him before the 14th and say something like, “I know we’ve only been dating for a little while, but do you think we should celebrate Valentine’s Day?” If you’re still not sure how to handle the big day, under do it rather than over do it.

Buy or make a card and write something authentic, like: “I’m really glad we’re getting to know each other.” Or if you’re feeling that this is more of a sexual tryst, “You’re so hot!”

When all else fails, there’s the stalwart: “Happy Valentine’s Day.” By the way, if you haven’t said, “I love you” in real life yet, don’t sign your card, “Love, John.” Other options are: “XO” (for hugs and kisses) or “Fondly,” or just your name if you can’t decide what suits your current emotional state.

ION: I Can’t Take It Anymore! What are the do’s and don’ts when it comes to breaking up?

SP: There’s no question that breaking up is one of the most difficult things to do, especially if your relationship is longstanding, if one (or both) of you needs to move, or if you still love each other but one or both of you don’t think you can stay together, not to mention if there are kids involved. Once you’ve made the decision to end things (after weighing the pros and cons religiously), do your best to move forward with care.

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Make a plan that includes not only what you want to say to your partner, but also addresses any contingencies that you can deal with before you break the news. For instance, if you’re living in his home, where will you go?

Breakups can bring out the worst in anyone, but there are ways to end a relationship while leaving both parties intact. Here are a few things to consider: Do your best to make your breakup a faceto-face conversation about exactly why you are doing this.

If you are in the habit of avoiding confrontation, this is not the time to indulge that. You owe this to each other.

Choose a comfortable and private location to meet. You may be tempted to do this in a public place, like a restaurant, but remember that will likely be a very emotional discussion for both of you. Think ahead and respect your partner’s needs.

Once together, you’ll need to be deliberate about starting the conversation. “There’s something important that we need to talk about,” or “I’ve had something on my mind for a while now, and I need to discuss it with you.” If you fear that you will waffle or change your mind in the moment, you’re probably not fully committed to breakingup at this time. In any case, be as clear as possible with your significant other so that he understands.

Be honest. In some cases, people take all the responsibility on themselves (“It’s really all my fault …”) as a way not to talk about the real reasons, which may be more difficult to discuss. Your partner deserves the truth as plainly as you can explain it.

Do your best to make this talk a conversation. Sure, you’re initiating it, but it’s respectful to listen to your partner as well as learn from what he has to say. Of course, sometimes that’s easier said than done.

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Remember, if you share a home, a car, a pet (and any other joint possessions), you both have an obligation to work things out. Of course, you don’t need to get into all of that in the “break-up conversation.”

ION: What is the biggest breach of manners facing GLBT community today?

SP: I’ve said it before and will say it again: While not the most prevalent breach, this is the one with the most serious consequences: When someone doesn’t tell you the truth about his (or her) HIV status and puts you at risk for infection. In this case, good manners and good public health are one in the same.

ION: What single piece of advice can you give to GLBT community concerning etiquette and good manners?

SP: A friend of mine said to me recently, “You know, there really are only good manners and bad manners.” And to a certain extent, she’s right. Treat others with respect.

Be courteous. Try to stay mindful of others’ needs. Help make others comfortable.

And, most important of all, be respectful of yourself and make sure others treat you that way, too. And that’s what good GLBT manners consist of too, but applied to our community. We’re not talking about which fork goes where anymore; this is about knowing what to say and do when you face homophobia; how to come out of the closet in a compassionate way (to ourselves and others); how to create commitment rituals that honor our relationships. I actually think that GLBT manners and mores are changing our community – and our straight friends – even faster than the government or the courts. So be it!

Steven Petrow (pictured above) is the author of the bestselling book The Essential Book of Gay Manners and Etiquette, the manners contributor of The Huffington Post, and the creator of www. gayandlesbianmanners.com

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Sex, Love &

Mustache Ride 38 38

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They have a saying in England. “A man without a mustache is like a cup of tea without sugar.” Sure, they call cookies “biscuits” and elevators “lifts,” but they may be on to something here.

So throw away your Schick and Gillette razors, boys! Why? It’s time for a Mustache Ride! If you have a mustache, you’re a fan of mustaches, or if you don’t even really like mustaches but really get off having a hot, steamy, rollicking good time, you need to discover one of the hottest monthly parties that’s hit Phoenix and it’s called “Mustache Ride.”

Held the first Tuesday of every month at icepics videobar, this East Villagestyled romp is the brainchild of icepics videobar’s bartender and up-andcoming impresario David Garcia.

A New York City transplant, David performed in Broadway Bares for three years, toured with Liza Minnelli as a dancer, directed and choreographed a traditional burlesque show. Missing the razzle-dazzle of The Big Apple, he decided he’d bring some New York City-style fun to Phoenix.

“I just wanted to bring a new, different style party to Phoenix. ‘Mustache Ride’ is an event for all kinds of men ... bears, muscle boys, twinks, and party boys to bring different elements of Gay culture together for everybody to enjoy,” Garcia explained.

“This party’s extreme, with go go boys in their tighty-whities, great vintage porn – thanks to Todd and Don for skillfully editing Arizona State Liquor Department-friendly 70s era blue movies playing on the video screens all night. It really puts the image in your

head! The whole look and feel creates a new environment and transports you to a different place. The whole ambiance changes,” Garcia elaborated.

“When I proposed Mustache Ride people were scared and told me ‘Hair is out.’ But it’s not about that. It’s about expressing yourself.”

Those who attend the party get into it.

Some have ‘staches. Some are real.

Lots are fake. “And the funny thing is,” said David, “I can’t even grow a mustache!”

But “Mustache Ride” has a purpose, too. Garcia is concerned about prostate cancer awareness. “In November it’s a growing custom to grow a mustache - Mos for Bros - to show awareness about this disease. So I thought, ‘Why not throw a mustache party year ‘round and raise money for a cause?” While there is no cover for “Mustache Ride,” you can make a donation at the door which is given entirely to the Prostate Cancer Foundation.

The party’s theme always changes.

With Valentine’s Day coming, this month’s theme is “Love, Sex & Mustaches” – wear red if you’re looking for a Valentine. They’ll have a very steamy Kissing Booth where you can purchase a smacker with sizzling sexpot Johnny and all proceeds going to Prostate Cancer Research. So pucker up! And get ready for the ride of your life. A Mustache Ride! It all happens the first Tuesday of every month at icepics video bar. Just look for the giant, black mustache over the bar.

3108 E. McDowell Rd. Phone: 602-267-8707 icepicsvideobar.com e-mail: NewYorkCityDavid@yahoo.com February 2010

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The Play About the Naked Guy Sex sells – but at what price? An off-off Broadway theatre company may close down when a trio of artistically questionable but financially successful impresarios offer to help save their company. An epic and hilarious battle between commercialism and artistic allegiance ensues. Tasty, trashy fun from Stray Cat Theatre directed

by Damon Dering. Feb. 12-27. Tempe Performing Arts Ctr. 132 E. 6th St. Info & tix at www.StrayCatTheatre.org

Fuddy Meers Amnesiac Claire, who awakens each morning as a blank slate on which her husband and teenage son must imprint the facts of her life until she is abducted by a man who claims her husband wants to kill her.

Revelations prove everything is not what it appears to be. A Nearly Naked Theatre production at the Little Theatre of Phoenix Theatre, 100 E. McDowell Rd. Phone: 602-274-2432. www.

NearlyNakedTheatre.org

[title of show] Ever imagine two hyper-talented young songwriters in New York trying to write a new musical about two hypertalented young songwriters in New York trying to write a new musical? A crazy musical about show business about making dreams come true! Herberger Theater Center. 222 E. Monroe.

602-256-6995 or visit www.AZtheatreCo.org

FEBRUARY 2010 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE EVENT LOCATION

5-21 6 thru 7 thru 7 12-27 11-13 13 13 thru 13 17-3/14 18-20 18-3/7 18-28 18-4/3 20 20 thru 21 28 thru 5/9

PHONE

I Love You, You’re Perfect ...

Mesa Encore Theatre 480-644-6500 Hal Holbrook: Mark Twain Tonight Mesa Arts Ctr. 480-644-6500 Shipwrecked!

Herberger Theater Ctr. - Phx. 602-253-6701 All My Sons Theatre Works - Peoria 623-815-7130 Play About the Naked Guy Stray Cat Theatre StrayCatTheatre.org Craig Shoemaker Tempe Improv 480-921-9877 Martin Lawrence Dodge Theatre 602-379-2800 Quinn Lemley: Gotta Get a Gimmick Mesa Arts Ctr. 480-644-6500 Fuddy Meers Nearly Naked Theatre 602-274-2432 Light in the Piazza Phoenix Theatre 602-254-2151 Mitch Fatel Tempe Improv 480-921-9877 [title of show] AZ Theatre Co. 602-256-6995 A Lesson Before Dying Black Theatre Troupe - Phx. 602-258-6128 Guys & Dolls Hale Center Theatre - Gilbert 480-497-1181 Kathleen Madigan: comedian Mesa Arts Ctr. 480-644-6500 Unsinkable Molly Brown B’way Palm Dinner Theatre 480-325-6700 Gypsy!

AZ B’way Theatre - Peoria 623-776-8400 Richard Steele - Magician Chandler Ctr. for the Arts 480-782-2680 Patsy’s Bridal Shower B’way Palm Dinner Theatre 480-325-6700 February 2010 www.IONAZ.com 41

MORE PICTURES AT IONA Z.COM

SECONd anniversary

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by Kimberly M. Ruff kimberlymruff@yahoo.com

Movie Previews The Wolfman

Starring: Benicio Del Toro, Emily Blunt, Hugo Weaving, Anthony Hopkins Lawrence Talbot (Del Toro, Traffic, 21 Grams, Snatch) left his family’s estate in Blackmoor shortly after his mother died and has spent the ensuing years recovering from the horrors of his youth.

But now, a letter from his brother’s fiancé informing him of his disappearance and urging him to return forces Talbot’s hand. Not only must he move past the overwhelming memories of his youth, Talbot must also reconcile his present circumstances. A mysterious creature is haunting the town, and Talbot may be its next victim. Release Date: 02/12/10

Shutter Island

Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Mark Ruffalo, Ben Kingsley Murderess Rachel Solando is loose on Shutter Island, Massachusetts despite having been isolated and under constant surveillance at Ashecliffe Hospital for the Criminal Insane. U.S. Marshalls, Teddy Daniels (DiCaprio, Titanic, The Departed) and Chuck Aule (Mark Ruffalo, Zodiac, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind), must come to the remote island and Sanitarium

to investigate. When a hurricane hits the island, Daniels and Aule find themselves in the middle of a conspiracy that involves cruelty, experimentation, and plots. In order to survive, they must reconcile the “known” with the “unknown” and keep their wits about them. Directed by Martin Scorcese (The Departed) and written

by Dennis Lehane (Mystic River) Release Date: 02/19/10

Valentine’s Day

Starring: Pretty Much Everyone In the style of Love, Actually and He’s Just Not That Into You, Valentine’s Day is another “look how interconnected we all are” type films. There’s nothing wrong with this sentiment; I personally do believe we are all interconnected and our experiences are universal, but in terms of cinema, this has a tendency to give the audience a very superficial connection. In this case, the holiday of Valentine’s Day serves to anchor the entire piece.

Although the holiday may have certain sentiments tied up within it, when you get down to brass tacks, we’re talking about sharing a day. We all have that in common (unless, of course, you are on a different calendar system.)

Anyway, it’s a veritable pou-pou platter of Who’s Who in Hollywood, so every character is as one-dimensional and meaningful as a box of chalky candy hearts. Release Date: 02/12/10.

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by Wes Bergman wesobergman@yahoo.com

DVD Movie Review Speed Dating

Starring: Hugh O’Conor, Emma Choy James Van Der Bexton (O’Conor, The Three Musketeers, Chocolat) may be sitting on an estate worth millions of dollars, but he doesn’t have the one thing he wants – love. Still reeling from a break-up nearly three years earlier, Van Der Bexton spends his time either in therapy, at the pub, or speed dating. When he happens to spy the mysterious brunette, Victoria, at the pub, he undertakes a little espionage to learn more about her in order to win her heart.

One evening, clad in black and outfitted with binoculars, he gets hit by a car and winds up in the hospital with amnesia. Victoria’s missing, the cops suspect him, and he doesn’t even remember his name. Now, with the help of his charming nurse, Susan (Choy), he must piece together the puzzle.

First, the film seems inappropriately titled.

Although our protagonist does happen to speed date (and quite badly, I might add), it bears little relevance to the larger narrative.

In terms of content, the film seems somewhat choppy – it vacillates between being a romantic thriller and a romantic comedy.

Despite the fact that our boy is suspected by the police with the disappearance and potential murder of one Victoria Grant, we barely delve into this story line beyond a few uncomfortable moments with a gravellyvoiced detective who spits out poor plays on Van Der Bexton’s lengthy last name. Instead, we choose to focus on the developing relationship between Susan King and our protagonist, but then we throw in the monkey wrench of a returning ex. There’s simply too much going on. It would have been wiser if

we just focused on one element, instead of trying to tackle all.

Gotta Dance

Starring: The NETSational Seniors In 2007, the New Jersey Nets Basketball Team started the first ever, all-seniors dance troupe, the NETSationals. Comprised of twelve dancers – eleven women and one man – they came from different backgrounds and have different levels of experience in dance. However, they all have one thing in common: they’re all 60 or older, love to dance, and won’t let their age stop them from doing it.

Director, Dori Berinstein, captures each team member’s journey – from the first audition to the final show – and the transformation each of them undergo. It’s a truly spectacular documentary tackling ageism and the stereotypes that seniors cannot be nor do what they once could.

I would tell you more, but I really think it behooves each and every one of you to watch it. Nowhere is age a bigger issue than in our community where “senior-hood” starts at 40. When we turn the big Four-Oh-MyGod, we are written off as has-beens where sexiness is unfathomable and sexuality means “dirty old man.” It’s such a dangerous sentiment; with life spans longer than ever, that spells more than half your life being put away in storage. I cry, “nonsense!” You are only as old as you allow yourself to be. It’s truly empowering to watch the NETSationals do their thing; no just because it’s endearing to watch ballroom and tap dancers do hiphop, but because after a while, they start to believe the hype. As well they should.

They’re just that good.

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Mille Grazie, Marcellino Ristorante Remember that summer when you lived in Rome? Every evening you’d take a long walk from your little penzione while you enjoyed the soft, lingering, summer light casting long shadows when you walked across that little piazza every night to your favorite restaurant.

Well, even if you don’t have that kind of a memory and haven’t even ever been to Italy, you can always pretend and easily be transported there with a sumptuous gourmet dinner at the fabled and highly respected Marcellino’s Ristorante.

The ristorante’s namesake, Chef Marcellino Verzino, is a much lauded – and loved – chef, having created bistros and cooked all over the world, and awarded for his outstanding contribution to the James Beard Foundation. You can rest assured that nothing leaves the kitchen without his culinary care. Of course, a visit to Marcellino’s wouldn’t be complete without the enthusiastic welcome and attention of his exotic and charming wife, Sima. Each waiter is knowledgeable, friendly and energetic. In short, perfect.

The menu changes according to seasonal ingredients and Chef’s imagination and talent. You might start off with an exquisite Tuna Tartare, flavored with lemon, balsamic vinegar, blackened sesame

seeds and sweet red cabbage.

Director Federico Fellini said, “Life is a combination of magic and pasta.” He’s not far off. Marcellino’s pasta is enchanted; it’s all made by hand on the premises.

They’ll even bring out a beautiful platter of the the carefully prepared varieties of pasta before cooking for you to choose from.

Some pasta, like the Santa Lucia, are flavored with the ink of the cuttlefish. Others with saffron. The Strozzaprete is red and white, it’s color comes from sun-dried tomato paste.

There’s even a luscious tortelloni, larger than its cousin, tortellini, and stuffed with a puree of filet mignon, mixed garden vegetables with shaved truffles. Everything flavoring the pasta is seasonal to guarantee authenticity and freshness.

Pasta lovers should definitely try the Paccatelli al Ragu di Salsiccia, a short, springy pasta with a hearty sausage ragu of fresh rosemary, sage, garlic, whine wine and plum tomatoes. This sauce is a staple of the northern Italy’s Bologna.

Nobody can treat a scallop like Chef Marcellino. These were wrapped in prosciutto, delicately sauteed in butter with sage. Each morsel was soft and sweet.

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Or go for the divine lambchops, carefully prepared, rich, and tender, with none of the gamey aftertaste some lamb is associated with.

Other specialties of the house include Venison Tenderloin or Wild Boar. When was the last time you had that offered to you? These specialties change nightly. It might be Osso Bucco, or Agnolotti, bay leaf and thyme infused pasta filled with venison or buffalo.

Start off the work week with Marcellino’s Monday. You’ll get a sumptuous threecourse dinner including a Caprese salad, scallops, and pasta with duck breast. It’s exquisite and includes wine pairings for only $49 per person, regularly $75. If you like, you can indulge in a monumental and memorable five-course dinner with advance notice.

For Valentine’s Day consider purchasing the “Baskets of Amore.” Choose one for the Pasta, Fish and Fowl, or Meat Lover, from $75-$95.

Make reservations today. Every Friday and Saturday is Opera Night, where they showcase some of the finest voices

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of the Phoenix Opera Company who’ll entertain you with classic arias from the most beautiful operas ever written. And if you haven’t heard “Un Bel Di Vedremo” or “Nessun Dorma” while you’re enjoying Chef Marcellino’s homemade Limoncello, well, you just haven’t lived. It’ll remind you about the summer you lived in Rome.

Whether you did or not.

Marcellino Ristorante 1301 E. Northern Ave. Phoenix, AZ 85020 phone: 602-216-0004 Tuesday-Sunday. Closed Monday.

MarcellinoRistorante.com

ION RESTAURANT GUIDE ADDRESS

TYPE

FEZ

3815 N. Central Ave.

Moroccan Fusion 602-287-8700

PHONE

Harley’s Bistro

4221 N. 7th Ave. - Phx

Italian

602-234-0333

Marcellino Ristorante 1301 E. Northern Ave - Phx

Auth Italian

602-216-0004

Mazie’s

4750 N. Central Ave. - Phx

Cafe/Bistro

602-274-2828

Mi Patio

3347 7th Ave at Osborn - Phx Mexican

Pink Spot

49 W. Thomas Road - Phx

Ice Cream/Coffee 602-265-3889

Switch

2603 N. Central Ave.

Cont. American

602-264-2295

Thai E-San

616 W. Indian School - Phx

Thai

602-297-8888

Ticoz

5114 N. 7th St - Phx

Caribbean Fusion 602-200-0160

602-277-4831

Z Pizza (Central Phx) 53 W. Thomas Rd. - Phx

Pizza/Subs

602-234-3289

Z Pizza (Downtown)

111 W. Monroe St

Pizza/Subs

602-254-4145

Z Pizza (North Phx)

1367 N.Tatum Blvd

Pizza/Subs

602-765-0511

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PUSSY’S 15TH ANNIVERSARY SHOW

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VIP SAVINGS

RESTAURANTS / BARS / EVENTS

FORBIDDEN BAR 1 ION ARIZONA MAGAZINE INCOGNITO MI PATIO Z PIZZA

$5 Forbidden Martini ANYTIME! Select Half Price Drinks on Sunday $10 OFF Splash Bash cover 2 for the price of 1 all drinks 20% OFF 10% OFF

SERVICES

BOXER’S MEN’S SALON FREE haircut by Adrian only (First time customers only)

20% OFF all services with Adrian

FAST SIGNS ON CENTRAL 20% OFF (in-store products)

LOS OLIVOS HAND CAR WASH $2 OFF any car wash 15% OFF complete detail

OPEN WIDE DENTAL $50 OFF new clients

SEMONE ROCHLIN, D.O. $500 OFF ALL Surgical Procedures RETAIL

DRAGONFLY BOUTIQUE 10% OFF

GREEN WOODPECKER 10% OFF Flowers (excludes tax and delivery charges) 10% OFF Merchandise non-sale (excluding food, drinks and cards)

ROOT SELLER 15% OFF Merchandise (excludes books, music, DVDs, supplements & consignment art)

UNIQUE URBAN BOUTIQUE 10% OFF Merchandise (excludes books, music, DVDs)

HOTELS

BLUE MOON RESORT - VEGAS Buy two nights get 3 nights

CLARENDON HOTEL 10% any room type booking

DOUBLETREE HOTEL - TUCSON 10% any room type booking Must book directly with the hotel.

Certain black-out dates and some restrictions may apply.

Offer based upon availability.

ADULT*

ADULT SHOPPE 20% OFF Merchandise

FASCINATIONS 15% OFF merchandise

DICK’S CABARET $5 OFF admission (mon-thurs) $5 OFF wristband (mon-sat)

SECRETS 20% OFF Merchandise*

*Must be 18 or older. Excludes rentals.

In-store purchases only

MORE TO COME!!!

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Some restrictions apply. See store for details.

Not valid with any other offer or sale items.

SOUTHWEST CENTER’S ELIZ ABETH TAYLOR

film festival

Tears, Fears ... and Brassieres

Red Carpet Premiere of

RuPaul’s

DRAG RACE SEASON TWO

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journalist Merle Ginsberg for her observations about which season was tougher.

hey say that if you scrape the phony tinsel off of Tinsel Town, you’ll find the real tinsel She told us, “It’s tough in different underneath. Just like once you remove ways. In Season One nobody knows the wigs, lashes and pantyhose off what the show is, particularly of twelve fierce girls you’ll when we were shooting. We find out that they’re didn’t really know what really dedicated men we were doing. Season competing for the One was tougher title of the next because the show Drag Superstar had not been on; in RuPaul’s Drag the show was not a Race. LOGO hit. Ru was bringing and presenting drag back in style; sponsor ABSOLUT we were up against Vodka rolled out a lot. People were the red carpet for a Santino thinking, “Drag is so premiere and preview Rice over.” People hadn’t seen of the second season Ru in a while. Of course of competition that got the show went on to be a giant everybody talking. hit. And so it was definitely easier the second time.”

ION canoodled with celebrities, weblebrities like self-obsessed gadflies Jessica and Hunter, Party Monster James St. James, judges and fashionistas Santino Rice and Merle Ginsberg, the contestants, and the iconic glamazon RuPaul herself as well as a few cater/waiter aspiring Hollywood wannabes who left us scratching our heads saying, “Who the hell is that?” at an exclusive affair where top shelf ABSOLUT vodka flowed like –well – vodka all night long.

We asked author, internationallyrenowned fashion, culture and entertainment

Hunter & Jessica, Crazeballs Weblebrities

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Is there the same level of emotion this season as there was last season?

“Yeah. Ohhh yeah. Wait ‘til the end. There’s tears, there’s fears ... there’s brassieres. I mean, Season One was amazing, there will never be anything like it but I actually do think it’s a better show this time. The guest stars are amazing; I’m wearing clothes by Thai Nguyen, from Bravo’s Launch My Line, my partner in the show. The hair’s better, the wigs are better. We had a big budget! That always helps!” Merle shared.

We asked Project Runway finalist, designer and judge Santino Rice: “Can you smell the contestants fear?”

“You know what,” he said, “they came in a little more afraid of me this year, but I think they all came around to knowing that I just speak honestly, that it’s not about being a mean guy or a bad guy, but that I’m speaking the truth and giving my honest criticism and it’s always constructive.”

Raven 60

Season 2 Contestant Pandora Boxx & Season 1 Contestant Tammie Brown

We approached RuPaul and asked, “What’s the last drag taboo?”

He answered, “You know what, it’s to not enjoy yourself, it really is. You must have fun. Because The whole reason for drag is to not take life seriously, so you gotta have fun with it.”

We asked a few contestants what they carried in their handbag. Shangela Laquifa Wadley told us, “A powder puff, some lip gloss and my diaphragm -- just in case it’s a great night!”

Shangela & Sahara

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Alexis Arquette

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On this page; Top - James St. James Below Left - Merle Ginsberg & Mike Ruiz; Below Right Madison Hildebrand

Raven admitted, “I left my revolver at home. But I do carry a switchblade.”

Bad girl Morgan McMichaels doesn’t carry any weapon in her purse, but admitted, “I carry the weapons in my wig. I definitely keep the razor blades tucked up in it for easy access to get the girls. Gotta eliminate the competition somehow!”

The buzz is that this season’s contest is slated to be fierce and the season will be loaded with no-holds barred, gloves-off catfights.

The network also promises better photography; gone are the halos and

mayonnaisesmeared lenses photographing RuPaul.

Ones to watch: Shangela Laquifah Wadley – California’s Entertainer of the Year, Sonique, Morgan McMichaels and Jujubee. Dark Whores-es: Raven and Tatianna.

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An inside source shared with us an exclusive on the down-low about who’ll walk away with the title. Who will it be?

Easy. The winner!

God made a mistake when he took Anna Nicole Smith. It should’ve been her talent-free interior decorator and resident WeHo freak Bobby Trendy, who arrived with a thoroughly miserable looking piece of eye candy on his arm, Big Brother 10’s gay cowboy Steven Daigle, who’ll be bucked by a stallion in Steven Daigle XXXposed, released on February 23, produced by Porn Czarina Chi Chi LaRue who attended.

Members of the glitterati who attended included Bravo’s Million Dollar Listing self-confessed polyamorous realtor, the gorgeous Madison Hildebrand and Josh Flagg – separately.

Flamboyant style arbiter Robert Vendi, NYC photog Mike Ruiz, and one very hot mess Alexis Arquette. Drag Race alum, the quirky Tammie Brown made a quick ‘n’ quirky curtsy as well as GLBT pariah and persona non grata Perez Hilton and the luscious, but who-the-heck is Phoebe Price, a guest judge.

A good time was had by all.

Special thanks to Aaron Brost of RoBro Marketing, www.ro-bro.com and ABSOLUT Vodka.

Watch RuPauls Drag Race on Logo Television COX Channel 159

Mondays at 8pm Pictured from Center: RuPaul with his new book Workin It. Clockwise, Designer Thai Nguyen from Launch My Line & Fashion Journalist and Drag Race Judge Merle Ginsberg; Big Brother 10 co-star Steven Daigle and fashion disaster Bobby Trendy; Poducer/Director Chi Chi LaRue; Drag Race Season 2 Contestant Sonique; Drag Race Season 2 Contestant Morgan McMichaels.

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COMING SOON 70

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NEWS & VIEWS

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Photos by Don Thompson - Photography services available www.thompsonimage.com Art by Geoffrey Paris - Retouching & Finishing services available geoffreyparis@rocketmail.com www.myspace.com/krazyclubkid2000 www.modelmayhem.com/geoffreyparisps February 2010

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KARAOKE

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Vol. 3, Issue 11

FEBRUARY 2010

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

MTV to Film Reality Series “SouthBridge Shore” in Scottsdale SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. – After the phenomenal success of “Jersey Shore,” a reality show featuring train-wreck East Coast Guidos and Guidettes shot in an East Coast vacation seaside town, MTV development wonks revealed their intention to shoot a new reality series in The West’s Most Un-Western Town later this year.

OUTRAGEOUS!

It’s a winning combination. A perfect recipe for disaster.”

The cast will include males and females with cutesy nicknames, like “The Constipation” or “Sweet Meat” and “HowwNoww” and will spread venereal diseases, drink until they vomit and swim naked in the Canal.

“We feel that Scottsdale is the perfect “They’ll be living in the Scottsdale setting for the next generation of a Waterfront, or the Motel 6 by Scottsdale Jersey Shore-esque series we like to Fashion Square. We’re not sure yet,” call “SouthBridge Shore,” announced reported MTV Development Production. one development exec. “It’ll perfectly “The season premiere will feature them replicate the ‘Jersey Shore’ with the same eating and drinking at Barney’s. A fight will ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL look and feel. You’ll have sluts, steroid ensue. They’ll be thrown out. The goal for juiceheads, alcoholics, strippers and The Constipation will be to ‘hook up’ with escorts. In short, the same general casting Jenna Jameson. Wait ‘til they hit The W with the 30-Thousand-Dollar-Millionaires Hotel! Then it really gets good!” and Trust Fund Babies wearing lots of Ed Hardy tops, True Religion jeans, cockeyed At press time critics are reportedly baseball caps, drinking Patron and underwhelmed. throwing up a lot as well as trying to sleep with anybody who’s not red-hot or nailed down. You know, typical Scottsdale-types.

OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL February 2010

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OUTRAGEOUS!

Toyota Recall: Back to the OUTRAGEOUS! Drawing Board OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

AICHI, Japan –ANY A faulty gas RESEMBLANCE TO THE pedal affecting over two million automobiles on eight models of the popular automobile manufacturer has sent design teams back to square one designing a safer, more efficient vehicle. In less than two weeks teams of Toyota industrial design experts announced a new model with nearly zero emissions, and a 100% safe pedal.

Toyota

revealed the TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL sleek, new Buggy to an astonished consortium of dealership owners and consumers last week.

The new, improved Buggy is a throwback to the 19th century and comes in either a two or four-wheel model with an optional convertible top.

OUTRAGEOUS!

“Look,” said Watanabe, “We could spend “It’s called ‘The Buggy,’” said hundreds of thousands of yen fixing these Katsuaki Watanabe, Vice Chairman and cars, dealing with the inevitable lawsuits ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL Representative Director. “We improved and insurance claims. But we figured this the safety hazard of the gas pedal by was a much easier solution. The maximum completely removing it. The entire speed is probably only about five miles per transmission – gone. The revamped exhaust hour, so speed isn’t an issue. As an added system emits only a minimum of gasses. value we’ve added a Garmin GPS and a But the new engine is a real thorobred. really kick-ass stereo.”

It comes in either one, two or four As an incentive Toyota is offering a $50 horsepower and runs on hay, oats and corn rebate if you trade in your old gray mare on ... well, because it is a horse.” a new Buggy. No mules, please.

OUTRAGEOUS!

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OUTRAGEOUS! Valentine’s Archery Festival Ends in Tragedy

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

Paris, TX - Tragedy someone or something struck a Texas archery and believe me, there are festival when a pair of a lot - never once have I lovers were impaled see such a clean, precise with a misfired arrow. entry on a victim. Right Catherine Sims, 19, and through the ol’ ticker.”

Jonathan Melcher, 20, ANYamong RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY were hundreds of In additionACCIDENTAL to the other attendees at Paris, peculiarity of the Texas’s fifth annual wounds, the arrow itself “Paris for Lovers” Treehas given experts cause Carving and Archery for pause. While the Festival at Boone’s shaft is regulation, the Farm. The couple tip forgoes the typical was in the process of arrowhead in favor of a carving their initials on Police have released this composite spade. Forensics experts a hundred year old oak, have confiscated the sketch of the suspect. when they were hit with arrow and are running the arrow. tests on its design to see if they can discern a manufacturer in order to provide more In the ensuing pandemonium, first clues to the case. responders were on the scene and unpinned the victims from their tree quickly. Given Detectives, meanwhile, have taken to the severity of their wounds, the couple did interviewing eye witnesses in order to put not survive. together a composite sketch.

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS!

Although the archery range is located on “I’ll tell you who done it,” says local ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL the opposite side of the complex from the character Maude Lipkiss, “It’s that fat baby grove, Herschel Boone, owner of Boone’s Farm, maintains that it could not have originated from anywhere but the range.

Members of Paris Police Department, however, suspect otherwise.

“In my thirty years on the force, I’ve never seen anything like this,” says Officer Robert O. Jimenez, “In every case where we have a misfired arrow impaling

with the wings from all those greeting cards.

He fluttered in, shot those poor kids, and fluttered off.”

Police have yet to apprehend a suspect, but a statewide search is in effect for a white male, between the ages of 18-20, with curly blonde hair. Suspect is believed to be wearing cherub wings and a diaper.

OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

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by Peter Lora

Caught in a Bad Romance and,

Yes, I Don’t Want To Be Friends.

T

here comes a time in a boy’s life – and let’s be honest here, there are many times in a boy’s life – when you realize that the only thing that you remember having more flaws than your relationship is Florida in the 2000 Presidential election.

After the realization that you’re not crazy in love but more crazy to be in love, its due time for your own Kelly Clarkson Breakawaysized breakup. The location, the food, the inevitable bottle(s) of wine, drink(s) and, of course, the perfect breakup outfit have to be orchestrated preemptively if you want to put your unsuspecting dud down humanely.

If you’re anything like me, the first step would be going to the closet and promptly placing all his things and anything that reminds you of him in a box to “the left, to the left.” With this clean palette to work with, it’s time to choose the theme of your night; whether it’s his aversion to monogamy, a bugaboo that doesn’t trust you, an emotionally unavailable robot, a closeted-basket-case or just a “Paper Gangsta,” I find that the overall motif should always be “I love you – but I love me more” with the certainty that you’re mature and chic and the hope that he’ll

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fall off the face of the planet and you won’t see him chasing after our various and god sent two-for-one nights. So, no scheming with Sarah Michelle Geller to ruin his life after the breakup because we’re being classy.

Whatever you wear you have to remember that this might be the last thing he might ever see you wearing. Given the gravity of what’s going on I say a fitted dress shirt. Don’t wear black, we’re not in mourning.

Don’t wear white, we’re not applying for a marriage license or angelhood. The colors to look for this year are maroon, wintergreen, beige, barely pink, pale blue, dark chocolate brown, a modest orange and navy. How fitted? My rule of thumb is that you should always be able to button the neckline button, from there you can unbutton two … or three …or four if you’re on the floor.

Complement that shirt with a pair of slim cut, straight, dark jeans; bootcut, loose fits, light washes and distressing send the message that this isn’t that important to you, so leaves those circa ‘04 Abercrombie’s in the closet with your other skeletons, boys.

Add to this updated, mature, holier-thanthou look with a gold or mixed metal accented brown belt and pointed brown shoe. The last few years has been all

about a very Kenneth Cole, A/X meets Rihanna’s Disturbia textural, chunky and angular black/ silver accessory, but now its time to embrace the Classic Americana aesthetic that brands like Rag and Bone, John Varavatos and Banana Republic have put forth this season. Visit our own take-forgranted haberdasheries or new comers like H+M or super-snooty Barney’s.

Hanny’s on First Street and Adams would serve as the best backdrop for your last Friday night with whatever-his-name is. A newer gem in downtown, Hanny’s is the older more sophisticated and melancholic sister of Scottsdale’s fabulous AZ88. It’s outfitted with black leather mid-century modern furniture; the only colored thing is an ominous red meat slicer at the bar that serves imported Italian prosciutto. The dj plays and mashes up an interesting mix of classics and non-descripts creating a great subdued wine soundtrack. Best of all the soft, dim lighting will complement your outfit and should mask what might be the shedding of a tear or two or none.

Order one of their signature drink – the French 75, a champagne cocktail that says “I’m breaking up with you all the while texting my friends while you’re in the bathroom to let them know how it’s going and how we’ll all be doing the Bad Romance choreography later at Amsterdam” … Oh, don’t forget to order the amazing $4 snack plate of olives, prosciutto, cheese, salami and bread.

After the inevitable “It’s not me – it’s you” speech, close your tab and pray he doesn’t flip the table like a Jersey Housewife. A kiss on the cheek and a hug are a fitting parting gift. On the brief walk to the Light Rail call your best back up dancer friends and tell them you’re on the way to Amsterdam because if we’ve learned anything from Amy Winehouse it’s that Tears Dry On Their Own and there’s no reason to waste a night at home. Or in rehab.

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IONPHOENIX 1.

1.

Amsterdam Amsterdam

718 N. Central Ave. - Downtown Phoenix

(602) 258-6122

2.

2.

Apollo’s Apollo’s

5749 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

(602) 277-9373

3.

3.

Babylon Showclub Bar 1

3613 Buren, Phoenix, AZ‎ 3708 E N.Van 16th St. - Phoenix

(602) 306-1000‎ 266-9001

4.

4.

1 BSBar West

3702 St. --Phoenix 7125 N. E. 16th 5th Ave. Scottsdale

(602) 266-9001 (480) 945-9028

5.

5.

BS West Bunkhouse

7125 Scottsdale 4428 E. N. 5th 7th Ave. Ave. -- Phoenix

(480) (602) 945-9028 200-9154

6.

6.

Bunkhouse Cash Inn

4428 7th Ave. - Phoenix 2140 N. E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

(602) (602) 200-9154 244-9943

7.

7.

Cash Inn Charlie’s

2140 E. Camelback McDowell Rd. 727 W. Rd.--Phoenix Phoenix

(602) 244-9943 (602) 265-0224

8.

8.

Charlie’s Cherry Bar

727 Rd.Rd. - Phoenix 1028W. E.Camelback Indian School - Phoenix

(602) (602) 265-0224 277-7729

9.

9.

Cherry Bar Cherry Lounge

1028 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix (602) 277-7729 Every Thursday starting January 11th - Mill Ave. in Tempe

10.

10.

Cherry Lounge The Chute Men’s Club

Every Thursday at 9pm on Mill Ave. in Tempe 1440 E Indian School Rd. - Phoenix (602) 234-1654

C11.

The Chute Men’s Club Clarendon Hotel

1440 E Indian School Rd. - Phoenix 401 W. Clarendon Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 234-1654 (602) CLARENDON

12.

11.

Club Vibe Club Vibe

3031 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix 3031 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 224-9977 (602) 224-9977

13.

12.

14.

13.

15.

14.

16.

15.

17.

16.

18.

17.

19.

18.

20.

19.

21.

20.

22.

21.

23.

Cruisin’ 7th Cruisin’ 7th

Dick’s Cabaret Dick’s Cabaret Dick’s II The Door Flex Private Men’s Club Forbidden Forbidden Homme Harley’s Bistro icepics videobar icepics videobar Incognito Incognito Karamba Karamba Kobalt Kobalt OZ Nu Towne

3702 N. 7th St. - Phoenix 3702 N. 7th St. - Phoenix 3432 E. Illini Rd. - Phoenix 3432 E. Illini Rd. - Phoenix 2438 E. McDowell - Phoenix 1126 N. Scottsdale Rd. - Tempe 1517 S Black Canyon Hwy - Phoenix 6820 E. 5th Ave. - Scottsdale 6820 E. 5th Ave. - Scottsdale 138 W. Camelback Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 212-9888 (602) 212-9888 (602) 274-DICK (602) 274-DICK (602) 437-DICK (480) 967-DOOR (602) 271-9011 forbiddenaz.com forbiddenaz.com (602) 266-0875

3108 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix 3108 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix 2424 E. Thomas Rd. - Phoenix 2424 E. Thomas Rd. - Phoenix 1724 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix 1724 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix 3110 N. Central Ave. - Phoenix 3110 N. Central Ave. - Phoenix 1804 W. Bethany Home Rd. - Phoenix 5002 E Van Buren St, Phoenix, AZ‎

(602) 267-8707 (602) 267-8707 (602) 955-9805 (602) 955-9805 (602) 254-0231 (602) 254-0231 (602) 264-5307 (602) 264-5307 (602) 242-5114 (602) 267-9959

22.

24.

Plazma OZ

1560 E. Osborn Rd. - Phoenix 1804 W. Bethany Home Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 266-0477 (602) 242-5114

23.

25.

Pumphouse II Plazma

4132 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix 1560 E. Osborn Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 275-3509 (602) 266-0477

24.

26.

Retro Bar Pumphouse II

3114 E. Cactus Rd. - Phoenix 4132 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 493-0355 (602) 275-3509

25.

The Rock 4129 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix Radisson Phoenix City Center 3600 N. 2nd Ave. - Phoenix

Roscoe’s 4531 N.N.7th St.Creek - Phoenix Rainbow Cactus 15615 Cave Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 248-8559 (602) 604-4900

15615N.N.7th Cave Creek Rd. - Phoenix 4129 Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 248-8559 867-2463 (602)

28.

29.

Rainbow Cactus The Rock

Velocity

Roscoe’s

2303 N. E. Indian Rd. - Phoenix 4531 7th St.School - Phoenix

(602) 285-0833 956-2885 (602)

29.

30.

Wild Card Velocity

801 N.E.Arizona Ave. - Chandler 2303 Indian School Rd. - Phoenix

(480) 956-2885 857-3088 (602)

30.

31.

Z ZGirl GirlClub Club

4301 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 265-3233

26.

27.

27.

28.

(602) 285-0833 (602) 867-2463

February 2010 www.IONAZ.com 89

IONBAR GUIDE PHOENIX

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

Amsterdam

Amsterdam’s Signature Night Happy Hour 4-7pm

Dance - No Cover! $3 Smirnoff cocktails until Mid.

Arts, Industry & ION VIP Night 1/2 price drinks *KARAOKE*

Apollo’s*

Comedy Clips 6pm Karaoke 9pm

$1 Bud Light Drafts 2-8p Karaoke 9pm

$1 Bud Light Drafts 2-8p Male Strippers 10:30pm

NEW! Babylon

Friday 10pm - 2am Pandemonium with Pandora

Saturday Neveahest Dance party and contests

Sunday Sexy Salsa lessons with Sal Monella!

BS West*

FUBAR with Elements 9:45p $5 you call it drink & $3 beers

2-4-1 everything all night Go-go dancers - A new tradition

Karaoke 9pm $1 Miller Lite drafts

Charlie’s

$3 pitchers/2-4-1 well/dom 2-7p $1 Happy Hour 7-9p/Afterhours

$3 pitch./2-4-1 well/dom 12-7p $1 Happy Hour 7-9p/Afterhours

Volleyball 4-7pm, NEW 3-4-1 $3 Long Islands, $3 pitchers

Cruisn’ 7th

Fridays $2.50 well & domestic 2-7pm

Saturday $2.50 well & domestic 2-7pm

Sundays $2.50 well & domestic 2-7pm

Dick’s Cabaret

2-4-1 VIP Dances 7pm ‘til 9pm

Off the Hook Tons of Prizes & Giveaways

2-4-1 Cover Charge, Dances & VIP Wristbands

EZ Happy Hour 4-6:30pm 2-4-1 well, draft, beer & marg.

EZ Happy Hour 4-6:30pm 2-4-1 well, draft, beer & marg.

Uncorked Sundays 50% off bottles of wine

Forbidden

Fresh Fridays 21+ no cover / 18+ $8 cover

The Barbra Seville Show & no cover 80s dance party

Sports Beer Bust & BBQ + Trash Disco / $1 drafts

icepics

MEAT - Go Go Boys/Strippers $3 Wells, $4 Lng Isl., $2 Dom.

The Follies 10pm Great SKYY Drink Specials

Legendary Show Tunes Sunday $3 Wells/ $1.50 Drafts

The Leathermen

Velocity 10:30p - 1:30a

Cruisin’ 7th | Plazma 4:30p - 7:00p | 10:30p - 1:30p

Velocity 9:00p - 11:00p

R Maizie’s

Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

Happy Hour Brunch 9a-2p 3-6pm Everyday

Brunch All Day

R Mi Patio

Fridays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Saturdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Sundays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Karamba

Fridays $4 Pitchers

Saturdays $4 Pitchers

Sundays with Galilea $3 pitchers

Pumphouse II

Bottoms Up Fridays 2-4-1 all drinks

Hot Bodz Male Revue Hosted by Savannah

Sundays $1.50 Well & Domestic

The Rock

Karaoke @ 10 Poker @ 7 $5 Martinis 7pm-midnight

Diamond Dolls Mya McKenzie $4 Bomber/$3.50 3 Olive Drinks

Rock your Funday Sunday Tea dance, DJ, specials, food

R Roscoe’s*

All Star Grill Specials Great Happy Hour

All Star Grill Opens at 11am

$8 Sunday Brunch $8 Long Island Pitchers

R Switch

Fridays Open from 11am-Midnight

Saturday Open from 11am-Midnight

Sundays Open from 11am-Midnight

R Ticoz

Fridays Open from 11am-Midnight

Saturday $1 brunch drinks Open from 11am-Midnight

Sundays $1 brunch drinks Open from 11am-Midnight

Fridays Events TBA Outrageous Happy Hour 1-8pm

Saturday Events TBA Outrageous Happy Hour 1-8pm

Sundays Beer Bust 16oz. Bud & Bud Light Draft

Live Soul/Motown Happy Hour 11am-8pm

Show’s at 10pm Happy Hour 11am-8pm

Tucson’s All Day Party Happy Hour 11am-8pm

R FEZ

Velocity

TUCSON R Woody’s R 90

FULL MENU

* LIMITED MENU/TIMES

www.IONAZ.com February 2010

FREE PROJECT HARD HAT CONDOMS

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

Martinis & Manicures $5 Martinis

Arts, Industry & ION VIP Night 1/2 price drinks

College Night 1/2 price drinks with student ID

Divas Live! $3 Diva Shots during the show

All Day All Night 2 for 1 U Call-It Open-Close

‘Tini Tuesdays 2-4-1 Call Martinis Open-Close

Jock Night Wii Challenge $4 u-call-it

Karaoke 9pm Happy Hour 8-8 $2.75 well/dom

Monday Martini Madness w/ the Babylon Boys!

Tuesday 8pm - 2am $5 U-Call-It

Wednesday 8pm - 2am 2-4-1

Thursday 8pm - 2am NEVAEH’s Drag Show

W.H.O.R.E. Service Industry $2 dom $3 well $4 bombers

Community Benefit/Fundraiser Book you event @ bswest.com

2-4-1 All Day and All Night A valley tradion!

Karaoke 9pm $2 drafts

Underwear Party 8-cl 1/2 price 2-8pm $3 pitch. 2-4-1 well/dom

2-8p $3 pitch./2-4-2 well/dom 8p-Close 2-4-1 cocktails/dom

2-8p $3 pitch./2-4-1 well/dom 8p-close $3 Pinnacle

2-4-1 All Day! Cocktails and beer

Mondays 2-4-1 Well 7pm-9pm

Tuesdays 2-4-1 Well 7pm-9pm

Wednesdays 2-4-1 Well 7pm-9pm

Thursdays 2-4-1 Well 7pm-9pm

2-4-1 Cover Charge, Dances, VIP Wristbands

Amateur Night Starts at 10pm

S.I.N. Bring Your Dancer ID and get VIP Pricing

Hot Studs All Night Long $5.00 Off with VIP Keychain

M3 Mondays 2-4-1 signature margaritas

Svedka Tuesdays $5 Svedka Tuesdays

Late Night EZ Hour 10-mid 2-4-1 well, draft, bottle & marg.

Late Night EZ Hour 2-4-1 well, draft, bottle & marg.

Closed Mondays Open Tuesday-Sunday 4p-2a

Am Idol Happy Hour 4-9pm Karaoke w/ Brad 9pm

Am Idol Happy Hour 4-9pm Team Trivia 8pm

Inferno Thursday 10-mid $4 wells, $4 Hornitos shots

Comedy Night 2-4-1 well / beer (8p-2a)

Mustache Ride First Tuesday 2-4-1 well / beer

Karaoke $4 martinis & Lng Isl. $3 Well/$2 Domestic Bottle

HOT ASS Best ass wins $100 2-4-1 well / beer (8p-2a) Cruisin’ 7th 10:30p - 12:30p

Charlie’s 10:00p- 1:00a $3 Bistro Burgers $10.00 off of all Bottled Wines

Tuesday Night Fish & Chips Wednesday BBQ Short Ribs Selected Beers $3 Starts @ 5pm Selected Beers $3 Starts @ 5pm

Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

Mondays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Tuesdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Wednesdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Thursdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Closed

Tejano Tuesdays $2 Drinks All Night

Wednesdays with Diamond $2 Drinks All Night

Thursdays with Susanna $2 drinks all night

Mondays 2-4-1 7-close

Tuesdays Dart tournament

Wednesdays 2-4-1 well & domestic

Hot Bodz Male Revue Hosted by Savannah

Lady’s Night Free pool $1 Miller Lite Drft, $4.50 Bomb.

Guys Night Out Happy hour all day long

Industry Night $2 Well & Domestic $3 Bombs

Poker Night $3.50 Long Islands $1 Off Draft Pitchers

Monday Pool Tournament

2 for Tuesdays 2-4-1 drinks all day

Wednesday All Day Happy Hour

Thursdays 2-4-1 7pm

Mondays Open from 11am-Midnight

Tuesdays Open from 11am-Midnight

Wednesdays Open from 11am-Midnight

Thursdays Open from 11am-Midnight

Mondays Open from 11am-Midnight

Tuesdays 11am-Midnight

Wednesdays 11am-Midnight

Thursdays 11am-Midnight

Mondays Underwear Night 8-2a Outrageous Happy Hour 1-8pm

Tuesdays $1 Bud Beer Bust 8-2 Wednesdays 2-4-1 8pm-2am Outrageous Happy Hour 1-8pm Outrageous Happy Hour 1-8pm

Thurs Weekend Leather Launch $2.50 Domestic 8pm-2am

Karaoke Happy Hour 11am-8pm

Carribean Party Happy Hour 11am-8pm

Thursdays Happy Hour 11am-8pm

Wet & Wild Party Happy Hour 11am-8pm

ION ARIZONA

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IONTUCSON

CLUBS, RESTAURANTS, AND NIGHTLIFE

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Ain’t Nobody’s Biz Colors Howl at the Moon IBT’s Miguel’s Mexican Restaurant Venture-N Woody’s Yard Dog

2900 E. Broadway 5305 E. Speedway 915 W. Prince Rd. 616 N. 4th Ave. 5900 N. Oracle Rd. 1239 N. 6th Ave. 3710 N. Oracle Rd. 2449 N. Stone

(520) 318-4838 (520) 323-1840 (520) 293-7339 (520) 882-3053 (520) 887-3777 (520) 882-8224 (520) 292-6702 (520) 624-3858

445 S. Alvernon Way 5335 E. Broadway Blvd.

5900 N. Oracle Rd. 204 S. Scott Ave. 3800 E. Sunrise Dr.

(520) 881-4200 (520) 745-2700 (520) 887-4800 (877) 670-9022 (520) 742-6000

ACCOMODATIONS & LODGING 1 2 3 4 5

Doubletree Hotel at Reid Park Embassy Suites La Posada Lodge and Casitas Royal Elizabeth B&B The Westin La Paloma

February 2010

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by Addison DeWitt

It’s amazing how everything comes around full circle, isn’t it, my little lambs? The big news, as you probably know, is that ION Arizona has partnered with the venerable Heatstroke News, and that’s where I cut my journalistic teeth way back in the last decade of the last century of the last millennium. Although Heatstroke News is no longer “in print,” you can still read their incisive reporting and more entertaining news articles and columns online at www.MyHeatStroke.com.

Still, I can’t help but pause for a moment, pull a hair out of my nose and shed a crocodile tear for my long lost rival, the Heatstroke News’ ersatz gossipmonger Novia. I wonder where she’s washing dishes now? Ah, well. Ça m’est égale, as they say in France.

It’s all the same to me. The cream will always rise to the surface, n’est-ce pas?

Aficionados of the the Golden Age of Hollywood turned out for the Elizabeth Rosamond Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Burton Warner Fortensky Film Festival. Yes, I’m talking about Liz Taylor. Believe me, it was worth it just to hear her say, “I was a slut! I was the slut of all time!” in her Oscar winning performance in Butterfield 8. It sounded just like what I hear on a typical Saturday night out at the bars, frankly.

Fans attending the opening night VIP gala included the committee commendables, the Honorable Tom Simplot, 96

www.IONAZ.com February 2010

Stephanie Heymann, Cassidy Campana, Tom Betz and Alma Hernandez. The deee-lightful Layton Steward helped orchestrate the event along with that lucky charm Matthew Heil, raising $5,420 benefiting Southwest Center for HIV/AIDS. The fiery South American spitfire Oscar de la Salas and his novio, Gary Jackson were there, and I even got to sit next to David Michael Miller, ASID who I hear has tamed the oh-so-delish Grant Ulmquist. Who knew?

The Center’s President & CEO Carol Poor was in the audience with Doug Long, State Sen. Ken Cheuvront, Greg Early and a cast of thousands. And I would be remiss if I failed to mention spotting my new obsession, Tyler Andrew TerMeer (pictured top), Director of Men’s & Youth Programs at the Center. His smile could melt the polar ice caps, that is if the Greenhouse Effect and the Republican National Party didn’t do that already.

Confidentially, darlings, I think he’s dreamy, steamy and I’d like to study geitonogamy with him.

Look it up. It’s worthwhile even if just to understand the stupid and somewhat suggestive joke I just made for a pitiful rhyme.

This month’s Party Penguin is Jon Yu who just recently achieved his majority. That means he turned 21, folks. For The Big Day his friends pulled all the stops out, throwing him a party with BS West as the terminus, where all the grown-ups there already seemed to know him. It looks like his fame preceeds him. So watch out.

Report any hijinx and send your underwear to Addison at RumorHound@aol.com

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Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22 Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

Love is in the air! And so are your legs! A handsome stranger will sweep you off your feet this month – maybe for a night, maybe longer. So make yourself available for these opportunities. Scream, “bad touch!” if things go too far. But I doubt it.

Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20

You flirt with everyone. Even I’m blushing!

Your savoir-faire will get you anything you want this month. Just make sure it doesn’t get you into trouble, Hotpants. Oh, you!

Really, now! Don’t stop!

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Whisper sweet nothings in somebody’s ear and they’ll fall, hook, line and sinker. You’re irresistible! Is it your natural sex appeal, your cologne, your pheromones, or are you just that good? Everybody’s talking about it.

Some from experience.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Do it again. And again and again and again.

Just make sure you’ve had plenty of rest, took your vitamins and have some 8”x10” glossies and a Sharpie on hand for your fans. You’ve got plenty this month.

Leo July 23 - Sep. 22

You’re the apple of someone’s eye, Leo. Make sure you’re a Red Delicious and not a Granny Smith. We like you when you’re sweet and juicy, not tart and tangy. Rumor has it that you’d make a delicious fritter for some Johnny Appleseed out there.

Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22

Invite someone into your boudoir to see your “etchings.” Before you know it, you’ll slip out of some wet clothes and into a dry martini and make beautiful music together.

Just make sure you’re in tune and you’ll be a regular philharmonic symphony orchestra.

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Travel plans are in store. You’ll be taking a trip to another city soon, only to meet someone special who lives right in your own hometown. Get cozy, but don’t pick out your china pattern just yet. Another surprise is on the way. And it’s a good one.

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov. 23

Cupid shows you that the Hokey Pokey is actually what it’s all about. Especially when you get into the whole “pokey” part of it.

Something you always thought was silly is actually sweet and adorable. Trust me.

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23 Do something crazy and mail a Valentine to someone you’ve always adored. Not

by Facebook. They’ll love the quaint, old fashioned touch of getting something in the mail from you. You’ll see!

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20

You’re normal curmudgeonly self is bitten by the Love Bug this month. You’ll be amazed at how giddy you get once somebody gives you some attention or a blow job. Remember, it’s always nice to return the favor in some capacity.

Aquarias Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

If it’s your birthday, you need to know that your Flux Capacitor is going full tilt. And it’s a good thing, because you’ll need it when the Ultrasonic Transducer goes kaput around the 4th. Other Waterbearers need to kiss a stranger. On the lips.

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

Something smells fishy around here. It might be you, Pisces. If it’s your birthday this month make sure you’ve scrubbed all those hard-toreach places. But the coast is clear for a little extra romance otherwise.

February 2010 www.IONAZ.com 99