ION Arizona #100

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CLUB PAPI

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“Never Say Die” 100 issues. Over 1,000,000 printed copies. Over 100 contributors, contractors, and employees. We occupy a 2,300 sq ft state-of-the-art office building on the Phoenix Pride Parade route. We started with 60 distribution locations now we have over 160 with more to come. We can be seen online and on your iPhone. We have thousands of friends following us on Facebook, MySpace and Twitter. We began as a Phoenix entertainment guide and now are an entertainment, lifestyle and community publication that supports all of Arizona.

We are printed right here in Phoenix. We donated over a quarter of a million dollars in advertising and cash to local charities.

We have produced nine successful summer pool parties and four successful VIP discount programs to help our readers save money. All this and we have never charged our readers a pennyfor ION. Some people never thought we would get this far. That is why the theme this month is “Never Say Die - ION is Forever”.

We have earned our place in Arizona GLBT history. We have sought out some of the most successful businesses that support our community and brought them together in one forum. We have partnered with almost every gay bar, nightclub and restaurant. We work with all three major adult stores (Fascinations, Castle and The Adult Shoppe) and all three GLBT retail stores (Off Chute Too, Unique Urban Boutique and Root Seller Gallery). We feature both gay health clubs (The Chute and Flex).

Pueblo Family Physicians and Family Practice Specialists are also found in our pages.

We feature some of the biggest names in beers (Miller Lite, MGD 64 and Coors Light.) We promote every major gay dating service (Interactive Male, Mega Phone, Find Fred, Gay Live and Hard Line). These businesses believe in our community and believe in ION.

Every month since we began, we create a unique, custom photo feature.

We hire local photographers, stylists, and models to create a one-of-a-kind spread.

To celebrate our 100th issue, we turned to a famous international secret agent and his sexy spy girls. Never Say Die staring the sexy Michael Delcore and TC Taylor and Nevaeh as his fabulous spy “girls.”

October is one of the busiest months for our community. Now that the weather is cooler it attracts outdoor festivals, non-profit fundraisers and ends with the biggest gay holiday of the year: Halloween! This month, ION will be at the Rainbows Festival, Tucson Pride, AIDS Walk 2009, One Voice Gala and more.

October 11th is National Coming Out Day. It’s been said that one will never be truly happy until they can be themselves. When someone is repressed, living a lie, or a double life, true happiness is impossible to achieve. For those, National Coming Out Day should be the beginning of your new life. Your new life of happiness and freedom. Ask anyone who is out and comfortable. They have no regrets and no doubt it was the best decision of their life. It will be yours, too.

Can you imagine what life will be like in the next eight years? What will our community will look like? Who will rise to the occasion?

Who will flourish? Who will fail? Who will change the world and who will critique from the cheap seats?

A very wise man taught me one of the simplest lessons that change my perception of life: That life is a journey, not a destination.

“Never Say Die.” Enjoy your journey, too!

Jack M. Tesorero Publisher

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ION ARIZONA CENTER 3819 North 3rd Street Ste. #10, Phoenix, AZ 85012

(602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com

ionarizona@me.com

PUBLISHER

Jack M. Tesorero ....................... jacktesorero@me.com CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw - Ext. 4 ..................... kbushaw@me.com EDITOR AND CONTENT CZAR Deon Brown - Ext 2 ................... ionazeditor@me.com PRODUCTION ASSISTANT Craig Rubin ................................. ionarizona@me.com PRODUCTION & ARTWORK ionazproduction@me.com ADVERTISING SALES Jorge Suarez, Ext 1 ..................... ionazsales@me.com PHOTOGRAPHERS:

Don Thompson Jerry O’Conner Michael Chesworth Michael Scott Cover Photo by Jerry O’Conner NATIONAL ADVERTISING REPRESENTATIVE Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 CONTRIBUTORS:

Corey Blanchette Wes Bergman Addison DeWitt Jackson David Kelly

Ted Kirby David Alan Maxey Kim Ruff Paul Sanchez

TO GROW YOUR BUSINESS, CALL (602) 308-4662 Published monthly by

© 2009 Tesorero Omni Media

a JMT Designs, Inc. company

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN THE USA

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.

NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company.

Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications.

All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

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SPLASH BASH 9

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Papis & Mijos

¡Ay, ay, ay! Get the best of both – papis and mijos! It all happens exclusively on the West Side every Thursday at Mangos Nightclub! Come to the Grand Opening on Oct. 8 and see an exclusive performance

by Thalia and Diamond while you dance to the music of DJ Shy & hosted by Ruby. Early arrivals 1¢ shots and drink specials all night long! 5510 W. Camelback Rd. Glendale or visit www.clubmijo.

Paparazzi at Forbidden

“It’s so magical, we’d be so fantastical, papa-paparazzi!”

Hey, Poker Face! Just dance! This official Lady Gaga Event includes a Paparazzi photobooth, a Best Dressed Contest with prizes, like an authentic Lady Gaga jacket, t-shirts, sunglasses and more! Bring your disco stick to Forbidden on Saturday, October 10. 6820 E. 5th Ave. Scottsdale. Phone: 480-994-5176 www.ForbiddenAZ.com

Pride in the Desert

Come on down to The Old Pueblo for a healthy dose of Pride – Tucson style! Everybody’s favorite Korean-American funny gal Margaret Cho is the parade’s Grand Marshall. Then, off to Reid Park from 10 a.m.-8 p.m. with headliners Johnny McGovern & Team Pimp, Adam Joseph and Ari Gold entertaining. Visit TucsonPride.org

OUTday at the Zoo

See all the tigers, wolves and cats at the Phoenix Zoo! And then you can look at the animals, too. It’s National Coming Out Day and Phoenix Pride is getting wild on Sunday October 11 at 1 p.m.. Buy your tix before Oct. 5 and get a free OUTday t-shirt, get lunch, and all day admission to the fabulous Phoenix Zoo. Visit PhoenixPride.org for info. Purchase tickets online at pride-tickets.org

Pink for a Purpose at BS West This all day fundraiser for Breast Cancer Awareness and Research has a silent auction, fashion show, raffle and a “Pretty in Pink” variety show on Friday, October 16 2 p.m.-2 a.m. Hosted

by Kiki Vermont and Afeelya Bunz – who have foam rubber fake boobs, but still care. It all happens at BS West.

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1Voice Gala

Break out the tuxedos and the ball gowns! 1Voice Community Center is throwing its first gala, and it’s at the swanky Arizona Biltmore. It all happens on Saturday, October 24.

There’s a silent auction, a VIP reception 6 p.m. and a special performance 8 p.m. For ticketing and VIP info visit 1vcc.org

Halloween Parties Everywhere!

It’s All Hallow’s Eve, when the souls of the dead roam the earth.

Well, them and a few drag queens. Score a few tricks and get your treats at your favorite bar and nightclub! Look for their ads in ION and find out where the ghostliest and ghastliest Halloween costume parties with cash prizes are! And throw away any apples. They might have razor blades in them.

OCTOBER 2009 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE

EVENT & LOCATION

CITY

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Glitter: Pre-Rainbows Party at Kobalt

Phoenix

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“Best Of” Party at Amsterdam Rainbows Festival - Heritage Square CeCe Peniston at Incognito

Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix

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AIDS Walk 2009 - Downtown

Phoenix

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Foam at Forbidden Gran Caravana de Estrellas at Karamba

Scottsdale Phoenix

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Meet Wilson Cruz at Charlie’s Night of 1,000 Savannahs - Pumphouse II Paparazzi at Forbidden

Phoenix Phoenix Scottsdale

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Pride in the Desert - Reid Park

Tucson

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Del Shores: “My Sordid Life” at Forbidden

Scottsdale

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Coming Out Day at Phx Zoo Men of Libra Black Party Weekend

Phoenix Phoenix

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Pink for a Purpose at BS West

Scottsdale

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GLOW at Forbidden Casino Night at Casino Arizona

Scottsdale Scottsdale

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Blackout Party at BS West

Scottsdale

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1Voice Gala at the Biltmore Witches’ Ball at The Rock Scandalesque at Cherry Lounge

Phoenix Phoenix Tempe

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Everywhere!

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Phoenix

Kate Clinton at the Wrigley Mansion

Check out bar and nightclub ads in this issue for daily & weekly specials!

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Scream Park Boo! If you feel like having the crap scared out of you, pay a visit to Arizona’s Original Scream Park. Tour Alice’s House of Nightmares, the Castle of Darkness, 3-D Fear Factory and more bone-chilling venues. You’ll find it at the Loop 101 & McDowell Road in scary Scottsdale October 2-November 1. Go to AZscreampark.com for more bloodcurdling info or call 480-444-2590

Phoenix Pagan Pride Gather up ye tarot cards, crystals and oak leaves. It’s Phoenix Pagan Pride! Learn about Pagan beliefs and spirituality with their seasonal celebration. Proceeds will help benefit Desert Mission Food Bank and Eagle Tail Mtn. Wolf Sanctuary. It happens at Phoenix Community College at 1202 W. Thomas Rd. Visit PhoenixPaganPrideDay. org for more info.

Dogathon This dog social and charity event is free! Walk in the charity parade, participate in various dog events, contests, awards, raffles, and a Howl-o-ween party! You can even adopt a dog!

It all happens at the fancy Scottsdale Waterfront on October 31-November 1. Go to Dogathon.com for more info. Arf! Arf!

OCTOBER 2009 ION AROUND TOWN LISTINGS DATE

1-3 2-11/1 2-4 2-6 10 10 10 17-18 16-11/8 22-24 22 30-11/1 31 31-11/1 34

EVENT & LOCATION

Phoenix Fashion Week - Valley Ho Hotel AZ Scream Park - Loop 101 & McDowell Oktoberfest - Tempe Town Lake Scottsdale Int’l. Film Fest. - Harkins Camelview Oktoberfest - Hance Park Phoenix Pagan Pride - Phx. Comm. College Tour de Fat: Bike & Beer Festival - Tempe Town Lake Feng Shui Festival - Home Expo Center Arizona State Fair - State Fairgrounds Crave Arizona Food Festival - Southbridge Almost Famous Film Fest. - AZ Center Gem & Jewelry Show - Westworld Arizona Irish Festival - Hance Park Dogathon - Scottsdale Waterfront

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CITY

Scottsdale Scottsdale Tempe Scottsdale Phoenix Phoenix Tempe Scottsdale Phoenix Scottsdale Phoenix Scottsdale Phoenix Scottsdale

5TH ANNIVERSARY PARTY

1 VOICE GRAND OPENING

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American Idols Everywhere!

While Taylor Hicks is at the Dodge in Grease you can catch more American Idols like Southern rocker Bo Bice at the Chandler Center for the Arts on Oct. 17, and winners David Cook on Oct. 3, and the first Idol, 21st Century Diva Kelly Clarkson on Oct. 7, both at the State Fair in the Coliseum. No stripping

by David Hernandez, sorry.

U2 & Black Eyed Peas

Join the conscience of rock ‘n’ roll, Nobel Peace Prize nominee Bono, where he’ll probably lecture you about saving the world. They’ll be performing with the Fergielicious Black Eyed Peas with Will.I.Am who’ll probably lecture you about Obama. Catch ‘em at the University of Phoenix Stadium, 1 Cardinals Way in Glendale on Oct. 20. Visit Ticketmaster.com or call 602-379-0102.

Matisyahu

Join everybody’s favorite American Hassidic Jewish Hanukkah Rocker Matisyahu where he’ll be shakin’ the kugel ‘til the Maccabees come home with his unique blend of reggae, hip-hop and beatboxing. It’s at the Marquee Theatre at 730 N. Mill Ave. on Sunday, October 25. Visit LuckyManOnline.com for tix.

OCTOBER 2009 ION CONCERT CALENDAR DATE

ARTIST/EVENT

1 AC/DC 4 Star Wars in Concert 4 America 8 Music of The Doors w/ Phx. Symphony 10 Richard Marx & Matt Scannell 17 Bob Dylan 17 Loggins & Messina 17 Kool & Gang/Commodores 17 Bo Bice 18 Stone Temple Pilots 20 U2 360 & Black Eyed Peas 22 Brand New 22 The Black Crowes 23 ABBA: The Tour 23 Engelbert Humpherdinck 25 Matisyahu 25 Gordon Lightfoot 27 Steely Dan 28 Boys Like Girls!

November 3 David Cook 7 Kelly Clarkson

LOCATION

US Airways Center Jobing.com Arena Celebrity Theatre Dodge Theatre Celebrity Theatre AZ Veteran’s Memorial Coliseum Dodge Theatre US Airways Arena Chandler Center for the Arts AZ Veteran’s Memorial Coliseum Univ. of Phoenix Stadium Mesa Amphitheatre AZ Veteran’s Memorial Coliseum AZ Veteran’s Memorial Coliseum Celebrity Theatre Marquee Theatre Orpheum Theatre Dodge Theatre Mesa Amphitheatre AZ Veteran’s Memorial Coliseum AZ Veteran’s Memorial Coliseum October 2009 WWW.IONAZ.COM 37

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by Jackson David Kelly davekjackson@cox.net

Yo, DJ! What’s New? Though October is usually filled with a superstar roster of new releases, 2009 proves lukewarm further demonstrating the fragility of the music biz. Let’s hope November proves differently. In addition to these, find new albums from The Backstreet Boys, AFI, Simple Minds, Air, David Archuletta (xmas), Five 4 Fighting, Tim McGraw and Creed.

David Guetta One Love After dance anthem “When Love Takes Over” filled the dancefloor, Guetta smartly decides to bring you more of the same on his full length. Packed with an amazing roster of vocalists, One Love truly showcases the liveliness of dance music today.

Second Single, “Sexy Bitch,” with Akon is current and commercial while sounding fresh while Estelle’s title track is simply perfect in every way.

On “Getting Over” Guetta uses his signature electro-guitar chord to get you started and ends the song with hands up feeling. And then there’s the Roland follow up, “It’s the Way You Love Me;” a track that is worthy of much praise.

Basement Jaxx Scars Since their smash “Red Alert,” the duo have mashed up every possible genre of music in the pursuit to create their own brand and on their newest release, these innovators continue that trend.

Full of bleeps, scratching, electro drop

ins and sometimes an off beat chord, Scars shines with great help from Kelis on lead single “Raindrops,” Santigold on “Sage” and Sam Sparro on the sultry “Feelings Gone.” However it’s the Outkast-esquesonance found on “She’s No Good” that really makes this collection a winner. And while most artists throw a tosser as an album’s last track, BJ choose to put one of their best to cap what will be one of 2009’s finest releases.

Tiesto

Kaleidoscope (10/06)

Internationally acclaimed DJ, remixer and producer Tiesto takes a 180 degree turn. Packed with 17 tracks, of which only five are instrumental, Kaleidoscope proves to be an album more for the house than one for the clubs. Though lead single “I Will Be Here” sounds very Tiesto-like with its vocal trance thump, it’s the help he gets from Sigor Ros, Bloc Party, Tegan & Sara and Nelly Furtado that give this album depth.

Long time fans may find themselves lost, but this release will surely diversify the stereotypes of club-goers today.

Just as a kaleidoscope takes on new shapes and colors, this album changes patters and moods with every listen.

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KARAMBA

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PARTY CAM

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MORE PICTURES AT IONA Z.COM

PUMPHOUSE

Photos submitted by Brian Collins

PARTY CAM Planet Poe Theatre Help celebrate the melancholy Poe’s 200th birthday with a theatrical program experience with interpretive readers as they bring Edgar’s horror stories and rarely heard humor and sci-fi pieces to life at the venerable Alwun House on Saturday, October 10. 1204 E. Roosevelt. 602-253-7887. Bring Your Own Raven.

The Screwtape Letters C.S. Lewis’ brilliant novel, The Screwtape Letters, reveals spiritual warfare from a demon’s point of view. This funny, provocative and wickedly-witty theatrical adaptation will change the way you think about the influence of demons in your everyday life. October 30November 1 at Herberger Theater Center, 222 E. Monroe, Phoenix. Call 602-252-8497 for tix.

Phantom of the Opera Experience Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber’s poperatic melodrama juggernaut: monster gets girl, monster losers girl, and everybody sings about it. All night long. Explore the sewers of Paris, witness crashing chandeliers, and more all at ASU Gammage in Tempe. 1200 S. Forest Ave. For tix visit ASUGammage.com or call 480-965-3434

OCTOBER 2009 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE 1-18 4 8-25 9 9-11/1 10 thru 10 thru 11 thru 11 15 15 20-23 20-25 21-27 23-11/8 24 24 28-11/22 30-1

EVENT LOCATION PHONE Accomplice Theatre Artists Studio - Phoenix 602-765-0120 Best of the Best Showcase Comedy Spot - Scottsdale 480-945-4422 The Kite Runner AZ Theatre Co. at Herberger 602-252-8497 Bob Saget Celebrity Theatre 602-267-1600 Ragtime Scottsdale Desert Stages 480-483-1664 Planet Poe Theatre Alwun House - Phoenix 602-253-7887 Blackbird Stray Cat Theatre - Tempe StrayCatTheatre.org Curtains Phoenix Theatre 602-254-2121 The Fantasticks Scottsdale Desert States Theatre 480-483-1664 Paula Poundstone Mesa Arts Center 480-644-6500 Gay Comedy Night Comedy Spot - Scottsdale 480-945-4422 Secret Garden Mesa Arts Center 480-644-6500 Grease Dodge Theatre 602-379-2800 A Vampire’s Tale Little Theatre at Phx. Theatre 602-254-2151 Boom Actors Theatre at Herberger Theater 602-252-8497 ARTrageous w/ Kristin Chenoweth 480-994-2787 Comic Pain Relief Tempe Ctr. for the Arts 480-352-2822 Phantom of the Opera ASU Gammage 480-965-3434 The Screwtape Letters Herberger Theater Ctr.-Phx. 602-252-4897

Photos submitted by Craig Rubin

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Miss Goddess Apollo’s Pageant Who’s the Mighty Aphrodite? Who’ll be Dirty Diana? We’ve searched Hera, There-a, everywhere-a for the one legendary beauty who will be crowned Miss Goddess Apollo’s on Saturday, October 17. There’s no entry fee, and cash prizes will be awarded. And a big, fat crown, too. For contestant info contact Lee at lee@apollos.com. The temple of Apollo’s is at 5749 N. 7th St. Phone: 602-277-9373.

OCTOBER 2009 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE

TIME

Monday the 12th 4:00p First & Third Tues. 10:00p Second & Fourth Tues. 10:00p Second & Fourth Wed. Tuesdays 10:30p Wednesdays 10:00p Wed. the 9th 9:30p Wednesdays 10:30p Thursdays 10:30p Thursdays 9:00p Thursdays 9:30p Thursdays 10:30p Last Friday 10:00p 3rd Thurs.

8:00p Saturday the 17th 9:30 Saturdays 10:00p Saturdays 10:00p Saturdays 10:00p Saturdays 9:30p Saturdays 10:30p Sundays 8:30p Sundays 10:30p First Sunday 8:00p Second Sunday 8:00p Last sunday 8:00p

LOCATION

SHOW / PERFORMER(S)

Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot’s Columbus Day Show BS West Hookers In Hose with Kiki Vermont BS West Heroine Chic with Mya & Naomi Pumphouse II What a Drag... Pun Intended hosted by Savannah Karamba Susana’s Show Charlie’s Claudia B. & Company Apollo’s Gong Karaoke with Afeelya Bunz Karamba Diamond Dallas Hosts...

Pumphouse II Hot Bodz Male Revue w/ Savannah Incognito Divas After Dark with Dianna K. Shane Amsterdam Icons Live w/ Mya McKenzie & Kiki Vermont Karamba Susana’s Show Cherry Lounge Scandalous w/ Scandalesque Forbidden Ruby ‘n’ Friends Apollo’s Miss Goddess Apollo’s Pageant The Rock Diamond Dolls with Mya McKenzie icepics The Follies Comedy Drag Show Showroom at Forbidden - Barbra Seville’s Untitled Drag Project Charlie’s Pussy’s Patio Show Pumphouse II Hot Bodz Male Revue w/ Savannah Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot & Friends Karamba Galilea’s Show Apollo’s That Time of the Month with Afeelya Bunz Apollo’s That Time of The Month with Dottie Apolo’s That Time of the Month with Barbra Seville

To add your drag event, e-mail dates, times, locations & pics to kbushaw@me.com Included events must be 1) Charity Benefit OR 2) Located at an ION Arizona Advertiser

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by Kimberly M. Ruff kimberlymruff@yahoo.com

Movie Previews

The Invention of Lying

Starring: Ricky Gervais, Jennifer Garner, Rob Lowe, Jonah Hill, Louis C.K. Imagine a world in which everyone not only told the truth, but didn’t even understand the concept of lying. I bet that would destroy American politics as we know it. This sort of world exists, even if only on the silver screen, in Ricky Gervais’ new film, The Invention of Lying. Gervais plays Mark Bellison, a writer in the Film Industry who discovers lying and uses it for material gain. Put in this perspective, it becomes easy to see why Kurt Vonnegut advocated scientists with consciences – any new discovery, which could be potentially used for good, can always be exploited for evil. Rather than playing this as a drama rife with lies, Gervais brings his selfdeprecatory wit to the enterprise alongside a cast of seasoned comedians like Tina Fey, Louis C.K., and Jeffrey Tambor (Arrested Development).

Release Date: 10/02/09.

as Moore’s strongest suit is not his abilities as a director, but his abilities to elicit a strong, emotional response.

Release Date: 10/02/09

A Serious Man

Starring: Michael Stuhlbarg, Sari Lennick, Richard Kind The filmmaking family duo of Joel and Ethan Coen follow on the success of their black comedy, Burn After Reading, with another one in the can. This time we focus on Larry Gopnick (Stuhlbarg), a mild-mannered science professor who’s stable, simple life begins to unravel when his wife announces she’s leaving him for his longtime rival and colleague. Stacking the deck against him are the omni-presence of his unemployable brother, the frequent misbehavior of his children, and potential for sabotage at work.

Gopnick is at an impasse. Seeking help from three rabbis he works to put the brakes on the chaos and bring himself back in the sharp focus necessary to become a serious mensch.

Capitalism: A Love Story

Starring: Michael Moore Documentary-filmmaker, Michael Moore, is back with another harsh critique of American economics, expanding his scope beyond General Motors (the subject of his first documentary, Roger and Me) into the wider sphere of our very economic system: capitalism. Lambasting corporate greed and cronyism, Moore attempts to show how capitalism – at least our version of it – is directly responsible for the economic collapse of 2008. If you are a fan of Moore’s work and already agree with his premises, you’ll enjoy Capitalism: A Love Story. If you are not, however, expect your hackles to raise

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by Wes Bergman wesobergman@yahoo.com

DVD Movie Review Little Ashes (2008)

Starring: Javier Beltran, Robert Pattinson, Matthew McNulty, Marina Gatell The 1920s in Spain saw a significant shift in culture and art in direct response to a heavily conservative presence in local politics. Little Ashes focuses on a group of students at La Residencia de Estudiantes in Madrid that were instrumental in this change – poet Federico Garcia Lorca (Beltran), painter Salvadore Dali (Pattinson), and filmmaker Luis Bunuel (McNulty).

Beginning with Dali’s initial, flamboyant entrance into the school, director Paul Morrison takes us through the speculative relationship between Lorca and Dali, as well as the satellite relationships that ultimately widened the gulf between them, and the choices that led to the great success of one and the untimely death of the other.

Pattinson, perhaps most well known for his recurring role as the stone cold vampire fox, Edward, in the Twilight series positively chews scenery (in a good way) as the eccentric Dali, while Beltran (Zoo) plays the perfect yin to Dali’s yang as the romantic Lorca. Although the film makes an effort to weave together the art, film, and poetry that grew out of this period of time, it is not nearly as poetic or artful as Julie Taymor’s Frida. Be aware, my gentle reader, this is more biopic than a love story, so don’t get into the mind set that it’s a gay lovefest period piece.

D & A Rating: I felt a little something stirring there, but Dali’s infamous mustache took all form out of it, like his equally infamous melting clocks.

The Lair – Season 3

Starring: David Moretti, Dylan Vox, Colton Ford Man, I love The Lair. Not because it’s good – no, no – but because it feeds the blackened part of my soul that makes it possible for me to write snarky movie reviews. I’m like a vampire in that respect. A slightly overweight, deeply unsexy vampire.

I strongly recommend you watch this TV show. Always good for a laugh, The Lair is Here! TV’s second, poorly acted, supernatural soap opera about an exclusive nightclub run by vampires who invite handsome homosexual rogues to hang out and get feasted on. All would be well if it wasn’t for the meddling of an intrepid investigative reporter. Game on! Every actor gets a nude scene – I think it’s contractually obligated – and the special effects are so delightfully bad, you’ll roll around on the floor howling like a latter-day Marlon Brando on nitrous oxide.

Just in time for Halloween, you can invite all your friends over, make cocktails and have a good old fashioned laugh-off watching it on Cox on Demand. You won’t be sorry. Well, maybe you’ll be sorry, but I won’t. Never.

D & A Rating: If this is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

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International spy. Master of espionage. Jet set playboy.

Agent of intrigue. He’s the man with the golden hair.

Nobody does it better.

For 100 suspense-filled issues over eight years, our Secret ION Agent has entertained you, and informed you about top secret nightlife, news, events and a view to a thrill, a dance into the fire with sexiest models, surprising interviews and much, much more. If there was a man, it’s him. Because ION is forever.

And now, our feature presentation — For your eyes only.

Only for you. From ION, with love.

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ROSCOE’S

Photos submitted by Richard Bolinski

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“Step Into My Parlor” They say pizza is a lot like sex. When it’s good, it’s really good. When it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. The Parlor, brought to you by Dan Mei, one of the brothers of the East Valley’s famed Nello’s pizzerias and restaurants, is so good you’ll most likely walk out wearing your “O Face.”

Housed in what was once the venerable House of Venus beauty parlor, the trendy and tasteful restaurant has a rustic, classic menu which serves up a variety of salads, pastas, sandwiches and, of course, pizzas.

You can start off with a variety of antipasti, including roasted olives, bruschetta, eggplant cannelloni and more, ranging from $2 to $9. They also feature a creative assortment of small and large sized salads, including favorites like the Caprese and Caesar, as well as Roast Beet and Grilled Steak Panzanella.

vegetable sandwich is offered for vegetarians.

By all means, do not pass on the pasta, I don’t care about your “low carb” diet.

The Parlor has five different pasta dishes to choose from. One standout is the Pecornio Tagliatelle, which includes speck (smoked prosciutto), grilled radicchio and pecorino crema.

All pastas are made fresh, in house.

The noodles are all thick, rich, eggy and perfectly cooked. Most come in small or large sizes, for $9 to $22.

Nine different pizzas grace The Parlor’s menu. Small pies are 8 inches for $10, large twelve inches for $14. These pizzas are definitely noteworthy, with a perfect crust, neither too thin, nor too thick. Remember, this is the Nello family we’re talking about, and pizza is their foundation.

The Parlor offers five different sandwiches, including a hamburger prepared with your choice of toppings, Sicilian Chicken Salad, and an inventive Duck Club. This last sandwich gives you a generous portion of the quacker’s boob on an artisan bun, along with a pile of Applewood Smoked Bacon, and Red Wine Tomato Jam. Delicious, yes, but admittedly the bacon really almost overpowers the rest of the sandwich. The sandwiches all top out at $10 and a grilled October 2009 WWW.IONAZ.COM 71

Garden Mojito with rum, fresh mint, fresh basil, cucumbers and lime. Ask for a side of club soda for this one, which is heavy on the simple syrup.

The Watermelon Agua has fresh pureed watermelon, mint and vodka. All the herbs are grown on the premises.

Try the Puttanesca – a derivation is the word “puttanata” or “garbage” since this pizza has a little bit of just about everything: calamari, rock shrimp, spicy tomato sauce, capers, olives and fennel. The calamari was rich and tender, not at all rubbery. The abundant capers lend a great deal of briny, saltiness to the pizza, so be prepared.

The Salsiccia pizza has a toothsome, spicy topping of Schreiner’s “Parlor Blend” sausage, grilled radicchio, sage and saba – a type of reduction of grape juice; almost a type of balsamic vinegar.

For the meat lover this pizza is tops.

Several delectable desserts are up for grabs, including tiramisu and a divine chocolate cake with Italian cherries.

Among their signature drinks are the

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The Parlor is on the map for one of the “in” spots for the see-and-be-seen scene these days, and word is there’s a touch of attitude amongst the hoity-toity hipsters who frequent the place. But don’t let that stop you from swinging by.

You may not be able to get a wash ‘n’ set like the old days, but you can get a really good meal.

The Parlor

1916 E. Camelback Rd. Phoenix, AZ 85016 602-248-2480 www.TheParlor.us Mon-Thurs 11 a.m.-10 p.m.

Fri & Sat 11 a.m.-midnight

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Paula Poundstone, wisecracker, political commentator, game show star, stand-up comedian and a staple of NPR’s “Wait, Wait ... Don’t Tell Me” shared her insight about comedy, reading, Twitter, and a typical day. Here’s what Paula had to share with ION readers about her Life.

And that’s with a big “L.” ION: What makes Paula Poundstone laugh?

Paula: Many things. I tried to inform myself in every crack in my day. NPR news, the BBC, I read history books, or mostly non-fiction.

But I tell you, when somebody has a piece of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of their shoe, I never laugh harder. Especially when they just come out of the ladies’ room.

ION: You have three kids and thirteen cats and you’re a single mom. What’s life like in your household?

Paula: Well, there’s a tremendous amount of sifting the litter box. Honestly, that’s the majority of my day. I clean dog waste, lizard waste, bunny waste, cat waste. I can’t say that I enjoy that part.

It’s very hectic, very full. We just started school. The phones are ringing, the fax machine’s going, I do a lot of writing, I making little films for YouTube, do my goofy website, Facebook and Twitter, all of which feels sometimes like a full-time job.

I go out of town a couple of days a week. To tell my little jokes. Being on stage is delightful and exciting and feels

wonderful. But the other day I did 14 hours of travel to tell jokes for two hours, meet people for an hour or so, head back to the hotel and pack.

I used to feel burdened by how busy I am - and I’m still not necessarily good at it - and one day it occurred to me that I designed my life this way. I adopted children - it’s not like I got knocked up.

I took in every one of the animals that I have; I say “yes” or “no” to jobs. Every time I get a chance to work I do so.

The whole thing is by design.

They’re all privileges and opportunities.

The one good thing about aging, for me anyways, is I feel like I have an understanding for things in a way that I didn’t before.

ION: You embraced Twitter infusing comedy.

Paula: Somebody turned me on to it. I like to find a way to connect with people.

In a way that’s uplifting, in the first place. In a way that makes us feel, as I do, that we’re all in this together. I’m a Democrat but I gotta tell you, I don’t think that Republicans are evil. They have a different way of solving some of the same problems we agree on. And frankly, the jury’s out about which way to do it. But it happens to be that right now is our time. But I can tell you about education, for example, that nobody’s gotten it right on either side in a long, long time. There are so many ways in which we are connected. The part that I love about my job is that there’s the possibility that I can say something that eases the burden of somebody’s day because they recognize it, if I make a

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joke about my own family, which I often do, they recognize it, and then it’s funny. To be funny, that’s my number one goal. That’s the beauty of that art form.

It was like I was looking for years for a left shoe! It was truly a match made in heaven. It’s fun. It’s like working a puzzle.

ION: You’re a big advocate for reading and public libraries. What’s on your nightstand?

Paula: God I wish I had a nightstand! I don’t even have a bed! But I’ll tell you what’s in my bag. I do a lot of reading for my work. So oddly, right now, I have a Dictionary of Slang, and Dictionary of Swears. Swears. You know, like ‘Fuck’ and ‘Shit.’

Apparently as far back as the eye can see, there have been cultures that pick words that you can’t say, or that are supposedly offensive to say. From the beginning it was a curse.

And a book called Send, which is about e-mailing.

ION: Give us a list of comedians you’d like to have at your dinner table.

Paula: Let me think ... I’ve long had a fantasy of having dinner with Phyllis Diller, Mary Tyler Moore, Lily Tomlin and Carol Burnett. And if Lucy and Gilda [Radner] were still alive I would certainly put them into the mix. And if Margaret Dumont were alive I’d throw her in, too.

They [the Marx Brothers] would not have been nearly as funny if it were it not for for her.

ION: We’re excited you’re coming to the Valley! What can your audience expect at your show?

Paula: I’m excited that I’m coming!

Well, no one will get hurt physically, as far as I know.

My show, when it’s good, and I’ll say it’s good 99% of the time - I talk about politics and current events as I know it and understand it, hanging on as a voter and trying to inform myself, and I think that there are certain networks that make that harder. I talk about a raising a houseful of kids and animals; I talk about Abraham Lincoln, Frank and Joe Hardy from The Hardy

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Boys and I try to give them equal weight. My favorite part of the night is just talking to the audience.

There’s something magical about a group of people who come out for the night to laugh. I can’t explain why it works, beyond that, but generally speaking, just talking to people, just getting a little bit of information about where we are, and who’s in the room from a handful of people, how a night unfolds is unique.

ION: Do you love Lucy?

Paula: I do love Lucy!

My children do not watch television. Most of it’s crap. They only watch videotapes and DVDs, and we only watch them on non-school nights. I only tell you this to let you know how precious any time for viewing is to us. We have I Love Lucy.

We not only love Lucy, we’re obsessed with her.

We love Paula. You can catch Paula Poundstone and hear her incisive and witty take on everything in life – from politics, to cats, to kids, family, libraries, and probably just about everything in between. Maybe 78

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even swearing. She’ll be at the Piper Repertory Theater at the Mesa Arts Center at 7:30 p.m. on Thursday, October 15. You’ll find the Mesa Arts Center at 1 E. Main St. in Mesa. For more info and tickets visit MesaArtsenter.com or call 480-644-6500

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MORE PICTURES AT IONA Z.COM

GREEK GOD REVIEW

Photos by Brian Collins

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Phoenix Hellraisers? Hell, yes!

Since 2005 Phoenix Hellraisers Sports Inferno, the agship for the Valley’s GLBT athletes, friends and supporters, has provided a sports avenue for the Community to explore their October 2009 WWW.IONAZ.COM 81

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competitive spirit, play hard, and make enduring friendships with teammates and athletes across the Valley and the nation.

Dustin Marshall

Phoenix Hellraisers believe in the values of integrity, camaraderie, promoting mutual and self-respect within the league, teams and the GLBT community.

Diversity is accepted and encouraged.

Nobody is excluded.

Jared Garduño believes, “It’s one thing to go to a tournament and win, but another to go there and be part of the sportsmanship and the camaraderie. Friends and fun first – then winning!”

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Certain black-out dates and some restrictions may apply.

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ADULT* ADULT SHOPPE 20% OFF Merchandise FASCINATIONS 15% OFF merchandise DICK’S CABARET $5 OFF admission (mon-thurs) $5 OFF wristband (mon-sat) SECRETS 20% OFF Merchandise* *Must be 18 or older. Excludes rentals.

In-store purchases only

MORE TO COME!!!

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Some restrictions apply. See store for details.

Not valid with any other offer or sale items.

Terri “Babygirl” Foster

Hellraisers Flag Football players are Champions of the 2009 Pride Bowl in Chicago, the second largest tournament in Flag Football.

October 2010 the Hellraisers will host Gay Bowl X here in Phoenix and the Radisson City Center will be the host Hotel.

You can be part of Hellraisers Flag Football. Now is the time to join in the fun! The Hellraisers play every Saturday morning at Colter Park, on 7th Avenue & Colter, just north of Camelback Road.

In addition to flag football, Phoenix Hellraisers’ Inferno has twelve teams in other sports under their masthead: softball, volleyball and darts. Nearly

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©2009 COORS BREWING COMPANY ������������������������������������������� 86

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Scott Bowermann

Wes Fuller

150 people participate and make the Hellraisers what it is today. This includes volunteers, coaches and participants.

They’re proud to claim Charlie’s and Interactive Male as the proud sponsors of Hellraisers’ leagues in each discipline.

Team Sponsors include Kobalt, Apollo’s, BS West, Cherry Bar, Plazma, Forbidden and ION magazine.

The Hellraisers give back, too. They hold fundraisers and don’t rely strictly

on sponsors for financial support. Our volunteers educate youth about sporting extracurricular activities and they participate as Ambassadors for the AIDS Walk.

The Hellraisers are part of the Cactus Cities Softball League where they placed 3rd in 2009. They also received the Spirit Cup at Who’s Your Daddy?

Softball Tourney in Denver this year.

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Tara King October 2009 WWW.IONAZ.COM 89

Duke Kimball

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Danny

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Tammi Bobst

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Joshua Thompson

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RICH!

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Shawn Rea October 2009 WWW.IONAZ.COM 97

Eli Rodriguez Look alive! Interested in basketball?

Join the “Hellraiser Hoops” starting in December. You can be part of the inaugural teams for this exciting new league. Catch you on the rebound!

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E-mail Director of Marketing Jared Garduño at Jared@PhoenixFlagFoo tball.com. Affordable Dues for each sport. Assistance is available in the event of financial hardship for athletes.

Photography by Don Thompson Join the Phoenix Hellraisers Sports Inferno Today!

More great pictures are on the extended online edition at www.ionaz.com Hellraisers Flag Football League– Open play begins Saturday November 1

www.phoenixflagfootball.com Hellraisers Hoops – Open Play begins in December

www.phoenix.ngba.us Hellraisers Softball Teams – Next seasons begin February 2010

www.facebook.com Hellraisers Softball Hellraisers Volleyball Team – Next Season begins mid February 2010

www.facebook.com Hellraisers Volleyball Be sure to support our league sponsors:

October 2009 WWW.IONAZ.COM 99

ARI GOLD All is Gold that Glitters: Ari Gold, that is photos Don Thompson 100 by WWW.IONAZ.COM October 2009

The self-styled “homofessional gaylebrity,” Ari Gold was born and raised in an Orthodox Jewish household in the Bronx. Ari recorded his first demo at age 12 and began writing his own songs at age 14. After graduating Yeshiva high school in Manhattan, Ari studied music and cultural studies at Yale University and got his Bachelor of Arts from New York University.

Ari released his first album in 2000, receiving critical attention from Billboard, HITS and VIBE for being the first openly gay R&B/Pop artist to be out in his music from the beginning of his career. His Top 10 Billboard Hot Dance and #1 Sirius Radio hit, “Where The Music Takes You” is the Grand Prize Winner of the 12th Annual USA Songwriting Competition and the accompanying video was voted the #1 Video of the Year on MTV Network’s LOGO. OUT magazine named Ari one of the OUT100 Most Influential People .

Following his four consecutive No. 1 music videos and his “Video of the Year” on the LOGO Network, Ari Gold recently debuted his newest music video and his first video ballad, for “I Can Forgive You,” directed by Christopher Ciccone, who designed and directed two of Madonna’s most influential concert tours.

Gold just released a maxi-single,

“Mr. Mistress”/“I Can Forgive You,” coming off his Billboard Top 10 dance hits from his critically acclaimed and award-winning album Transport Systems, exclusively on iTunes. The album includes four new club mixes and an unreleased acoustic version of the controversial single “Mr. Mistress,” which features lyrics about a man who has an affair with a married man on the ‘downlow.’ “I Can Forgive You,” along with its Ciccone directed video, will also be included for download on iTunes. Transport Systems is funky, sexy, smart and soulful with topics ranging from the down-low phenomenon, gay relationships, crystal meth addiction, gender identity and spirituality, all set behind infectious grooves, thick harmonies, and melodic hooks.

“The art of the music video is the challenging task of smashing words and music into pictures, made none the easier by the fact that the video was created from one single unedited take,” said Ciccone. “Working with Ari made it effortless.”

“It makes so much sense to me that behind some of the best work that the world’s biggest living gay icon, Madonna, has ever done was a gay man,” said Ari. “Everyone from Britney Spears to Christina Aguilera to Lady October 200 2009 9 WWW.IONAZ.COM 101

Gaga has been influenced by Christopher Ciccone’s work, and so I thought I should keep it in the family and go to the source. I think the simplicity of the video really brings home the song’s powerful message of forgiveness.”

Ari elaborated about the success of his single. “I’m thrilled that the fans have such a strong response to the song, ‘Mr. Mistress,’ so much that all these amazing remixes came pouring in from fans and remix artists. I had no choice but to release it as a single. The

song’s message is also something I can relate to, from, let’s just say, personal experience. It doesn’t just happen on Oprah!”

Ari has toured Europe, Canada and in over 40 cities across the US alongside Chaka Khan, Cyndi Lauper and RuPaul. Ari’s activism and charity work includes the HRC, Soulforce, Ali Forney Center, ACLU and GMHC on HIV/AIDS awareness and human rights.

Ari Gold is turning the music scene on its head, rewriting the rules, and trailblazing a storm of political pop. Ari reflected on his life. “One thing I am very grateful for during these times is my family and friends. I have truly been blessed in that regard. They make me laugh, they cheer me up, they keep it real and sometimes even take me out to dinner and cook for me. And this Jew feels loved when he’s fed.” _ You can catch Ari Gold’s electrifying performance at this year’s Tucson Pride, Saturday, October 10, at Reid Park in Tucson.

Ari appears courtesy of PM Events & Productions, Inc. Visit www.

TucsonPride. org for more information.

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You Gotta Have a Gimmick!

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“Let me entertain you.

Let me make you smile ...”

The oh-so-risqué sexy guys and gals with Scandalesque know how to show an audience a thing or two about a thing or two.

“And if you’re real good, I’ll make you feel good. I want your spirit to climb.”

The men and women of Scandalesque will make you feel great, as a matter of fact. Since November 2004, the performers and dancers of Scandalesque have been inspired by the visions of co-founders Julianna Curtis, the “Lady Fontayne – the Singing Seductress” and Christy Zandlo, known as the incendiary “Pyra Sutra – Queen of the Flaming Bustier” who constantly strive to create something different, unique and loin-tingling for mature and permissive audiences.

You might see the legendary, iconic hot tomato swimming in a bubbling champagne glass, but you’ll also see modern incarnations of performance art with choreography that tests the very limits of physical and artistic skill. These artists displays will definitely leave everybody with something to talk about at the water cooler at the office on Monday morning.

But a Scandalesque show is always classy, always professional.

Artistic technique is the main – ahem – “thrust” of a Scandalesque show where it’s always a celebration of the human body as art.

The visuals will leave you gasping in so many different ways.

“As long as people go home and have amazing wild sex, I’m content.”

More than traditional burlesque or even cabaret, every show is tailored for its venue, but you can never know what to expect because in the world of Scandalesque, anything goes.

You’re not only coming to see exotic and erotic dancers, but also top notch specialty acts: singing, dancing, fire dancing, and amazing strip tease featuring the flaming tassels of Pyra Sutra. Because everybody knows you gotta have a gimmick. And these performers know how to “undress” to impress.

Be sure to come see the fabulous Scandalesque spectacle on Friday, October 30th at The Cherry Lounge

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& Pit for their sinful, sexual, sensual, salacious and oh-so-licentious Halloween show with cash prizes and a costume contest. You’ll get to see new acts featuring the ladies and men of Scandalesque, hosted by Kelly with a Big Ol’ K! You won’t want to miss the burlesque, comedy and outlandish variety acts in The Pit. There’ll also be two-for-one drinks. The doors open at 7:30 p.m. and the show is at 8 p.m.

What makes a Scandalesque show a success? Lady Fontayne says, “As long as people go home and have amazing wild sex, I’m content.”

“And we’ll have a real good time, yes sir! We’ll have a real good time!” _ Shimmy on down to The Cherry Lounge & Pit at 411 S. Mill Ave. in Tempe. Go to www.TheCherryLoungeAZ.com for more or call 480-298-1384.

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Credits

All photos and fashion by Desiato Khan Makeup by Sina Urias Scandalesque Dancers are Pyra Sutra, Nyla, Metta Morpheus and Chacon October 2009 WWW.IONAZ.COM 109

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Are You Chatting with the Real Deal Online?

Online dating is no longer the wave of the future. It’s where many people start when looking to meet someone. The variety of websites available for dating seems endless. And so do the new rules of online dating. Endless emails and IM chat can be impersonal and time consuming. The anonymity of web dating takes the fear out of the “getting to know you” process. But who’s the person on the other side you’re talking with? Are they the real deal? Are their pictures and profile information accurate?

Or are they cyber characters created specifically to hide their true identity?

The best place to start online is by being honest with your own profile. Post recent photos. Be honest about your age. Admit that you’re a few pounds overweight. Most of us are. Online daters are there for the same reason you are - to meet people. If you’re avoiding online dating because you fear meeting the liars and flakes, remember that those characters exist in the real world too. Take the following quiz to help you determine if that profile you’re considering responding to is the real deal or someone you want to avoid.

His picture, while gorgeous, seems way too good to be true, and there’s only one photo. When you ask for more photos, he says: a. Sure. What’s your e-mail address?

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b. No more pictures, but we can do video chat. You then proceed to see a very grainy silhouette of a guy who looks kind of like his online photo. c. No more face pics, only body shots. d. Nope, I don’t have any other photos.

Graduated with honors from Stanford, makes $200K-plus a year, drives a Maserati and lives in a penthouse downtown. When you ask to meet for the first time, you get: a. Why don’t you come here first so I can show you around and then we can grab a bite at this wonderful place I know around the corner. b. I can come get you. I know this fantastic bistro just a few blocks from your place. c. Why don’t we meet there. I’m running like mad all day! d. My car is in the shop, so I was wondering if you might be able to pick me up at my office.

When you’re looking through profiles, you notice a guy who has the same taste in literature you do.

When you bring up a book he: a. Likes the exact same passage you do. Such a small

world! b. Mentions he hasn’t read it in a long time, but likes the main character because (insert detail here) c. Answers by thanking you for noticing, but then doesn’t mention the book again! d. Reveals key plot points, story archs and cites key passages, none of which are in the edition you remember reading!

You’re looking for a relationship.

You make it a point to chat with relationship minded people, including this absolute dream of a person you’ve been chatting with for the last few weeks. When you bring up a first date, they suggest: a. A night of dinner and dancing at the restaurant of your choice. b. Drinks and then a trip to the theatre or a movie. c. You swing by and the two of you can discuss how to spend the evening over wine. d. Taking a dip in the brand new hot tub.

Searching through profiles one jumps out at you. Someone who is new to this. More investigation reveals: a. A nasty break-up, and they’re looking to get back on the horse. b. Another few profiles scattered around the Web c. A list of Web buddies a mile long d. A reputation for being the ultimate cyber player In the long run, size doesn’t matter, but it sure can pique your interest.

When you get around to asking how big it is, the answer: a. Is a perfectly respectable average number. b. Comes accompanied by the priceless words, “but it looks bigger in the dark.” c. Sounds like it might put you in the hospital d. Is the same length as his femur, given the height also attached to the

profile.

You can deal with just about anything in a new relationship, but for certain, the other person has to be single. When you ask about a significant other: a. You get a sob story about their moving out and taking the pets. b. You find out the separation hasn’t been going well. c. You get a sales pitch on how it’s coming to an end. d. You find out that all after date activity will take place at your house.

Nothing bothers you more than someone who wants to take things too fast. Because this is a chat room and you are outside your comfort zone, you’re looking to take it slow. When you bring up the subject, you get: a. An e-mail address and instant messenger screen name if you ever want to chat. b. The promise of personal space, followed by e-mails inviting you for coffee c. Bombarded with messages begging for your phone number and address d. A knock at the door. He used your name to get your address and social security number

Obviously, this is not a scientific quiz. Check out your answers on page 112 Post your online or voicemail profile for FREE on Megamates and Gaymates. Our phone dating line and online dating website offer singles a fun, interactive place to call, chat, and connect. It’s free to setup and maintain a mailbox or online account, free to record a public message and free to browse other caller’s profiles and messages. Call 1-888-MEGAMATES, use FREE code 7286 or visit us online at www.gaymates.com © 2008 Progressive Computing LLC October 200 2009 9 WWW.IONAZ.COM 113

FORBIDDEN

Photos submitted by Richard Bolinski 114

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Vol. 3, Issue 7

OCTOBER 2009

����������� OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

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Madonna Shocker!

“Mae West Was My Mom!”

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LONDONEverybody’s favorite over-the-hill sex kitten, Madonna, revealed that she is the secret love child of legendary siren of the silver screen, entertainment’s original “bad girl,” Mae West.

come back from the grave. Mae, I mean. Not Madonna.”

Madonna’s recent grandstanding appearance on MTV’s Video Music Awards confirmed her maternal heritage.

“She’s got the same sneer as West, the same eyes. Everything. And with the Bump-It in her wig she’s almost got the same hairdo,” said behind the scene sources. “Her tits aren’t nearly as big, though.”

�����������

The rapidly aging Material Girl, 51, secretly informed big-mouthed confidantes that she was conceived by the hourglassWest, who died in 1980, was famed for her shaped West after she said, “Come up ����������������������������������������������������� witty double-entendres, like “Is that a pistol and see me sometime” to an anonymous in your pocket or are you just glad to see automobile factory worker and he honored me?” Her daughter is noted for quipping, her offer. And all night long he was on her “Everybody loves you when they are about and off her. to cum.”

“The resemblance is eerie,” said one of The apple never falls far from the tree.

Madonna’s cousin’s neighbor’s second best friend. “As Madge ages she looks more and more like Mae. It’s like she’s

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Governor Brewer Curses Capital City ����������� with Slip of the Lip �����������

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TUCSON – In said one staffer. ����������������������������������������������������� a recent meeting “She would never, with state ever deliberately Republicans in refer to Phoenix Tucson, Arizona as a ‘Hellhole.’

Gov. Jan Brewer She regrets any quipped, “It’s a misunderstanding.” great relief, to say the least, to get out Governor Brewer of that hellhole will attend a in Phoenix,” convention in Residents of the Flagstaff later this capital city were month. shocked and appalled to hear Among key the governor refer issues such as to Phoenix so budget cuts, callously during unemployment news broadcasts of and education, the the speech.

Governor plans ����������������������������������������������������� to address the Press secretaries attendants in her were quick to defend the Governor’s welcome address where she will say, “It’s vitriolic condemnation. “This is a great a great relief, to say the least, to get of misunderstanding. What the Governor of that goddam, full-blown batshit crazy, meant to say, “Phoenix is a catbox shithole stinking shithouse in Phoenix.” and I’m glad to get the fuck out of there,”

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Answers to Dating Quiz (continued from page 104) Mostly a’s: You’re safe to venture out from behind your screen and give this one a shot.

All signs indicate things are on the up and up.

Mostly b’s: Everyone fibs a little. Chat a bit more and dig a little deeper. If seems like the tall tales are only surface deep. Throw caution to the wind and give it a go.

Mostly c’s: Treading in murky waters here. Anyone who lies this much will lie about almost anything. Proceed with caution.

Mostly d’s: Run. Avoid this one at all costs.

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GOP Claims Obama Encourages Kids to Rebel ����������� �����������

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ARLINGTON, counselor of Va. – Pres.

Onward Christian Barack Obama Soldiers Bible ����������������������������������������������������� addressed Study and sponsor school children of No Means No: broadcast Abstinence NOW across the Club. nation in a hotly debated “I watched that back-to-school terroristical man speech at practically force Wakefield these precious, High School white, future in Arlington, Republican Virginia. students to go out and blow up the “There is no teeter-totter on excuse for not the playground trying,” he with illegal encouraged firecrackers students. with his crazy, But Obama’s insane, Devilnaysayers heard a different message during speak!” fumed Belva Sue Robotham, Home ����������������������������������������������������� the televised speech.

Economics teacher and PTA Bake Sale Administrator.

“I distinctly heard this so-called ‘President’ tell the students watching in my fourth One anonymous Republican school board period class, America Is The Best Country member surmised, “I’d rather see a good, On The Face of the Earth, ‘Drink all of old fashioned food-fight and the cafeteria your parents best bourbon and burn down burned to the ground before these kids listen the school this weekend,’” said Prudence to anything Obama says.”

Gadberry, teacher and after school

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October 2009 WWW.IONAZ.COM 121 �����������������������������������������������������

122

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�����������

Wild “Cougar” Mauls Local Youth

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SCOTTSDALE The cougar is – Local Arizona described as about Department of 5’4”, 108 pounds, Fish and Game a size 4, very tan, authorities are with short, blonde on the alert with hair, razor sharp ����������������������������������������������������� reports of a wild white teeth, wearing “cougar” roaming Jimmy Choo shoes. through the She is 58 years old glitzy streets of and was living in the West’s Most the DC Ranch area.

Western Town.

Drought conditions The feral she-cat and a divorce have has been spotted forced her to expand at Axis/Radius, her hunting grounds Myst, Scottsdale to satisfy her appetite Fashion Square for young, firm, male and prowling flesh.

The Waterfront searching for prey.

“I’ve seen her,” said All victims have Liam Sturbridge, 26, been between the a bartender at The ages of 18 and 26, Mondrian. “I was by male, about 5’11” and between 170 and the swimming pool one day and she attacked 195 pounds. on one of our guests, Kyle Farrington. He’s visiting from San Francisco. She clawed ����������������������������������������������������� “It’s awful. Just awful,” sobbed Heather at him pretty good, but survived with only Fleishman, 20, of Fountain Hills. “I went minor injuries.” Farrington, 25, a resident to Olive and Ivy with my super-cute of San Francisco, is homosexual and easily boyfriend, Kurt, a Business major at ASU, defeated the wily feline. and he stepped outside for a cigarette and the next thing I knew, the cougar pounced Game Warden and nightclub managers in on him and dragged him off to AZ88. I the immediate downtown Scottsdale bars heard she’s been prowling the grounds of and clubs are on the alert. Young men who the Valley Ho during Happy Hour, too.” spot the Cougar are urged to seek safety immediately and alert authorities.

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124

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MEET THE GUYS Name: Casey Sign: Sagitarius Occupation: General Manager for GAP Eachother in three words: Creative, Passionate, Stubborn Originally from: Sedona Turn ons: Nice butt, smart, knows the difference between etymology and entomology Turn offs: Onions, halitosis Dream destination: Ireland Perfect date: Our First Anniversary Worst pick-up line: “I want to run and smash into you!”

Name: Dan Sign: Sagitarius Occupation: Medical Student Eachother in three words: Compassionate, Artistic, Picky Originally from: Tempe Turn ons: Good kisser, confidence, “big ego”.

Turn offs: Smoking Dream destination: Atlantis Island Perfect date: Vegas, when we started dating.

Worst pick-up line: “You guys look like a great couple, but we’d look better together!”

602-993-4567 Phoenix 520-791-2345 Tucson October 2009 WWW.IONAZ.COM 125

126

WWW.IONAZ.COM October 2009

IONPHOENIX 1.

1.

Amsterdam Amsterdam

718 N. Central Ave. - Downtown Phoenix

(602) 258-6122

2.

2.

Apollo’s Apollo’s

5749 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

(602) 277-9373

3.

3.

Bar Bar1 1

3708 N. 16th St. - Phoenix

(602) 266-9001

4.

4.

BSBSWest West

7125 E. 5th Ave. - Scottsdale

(480) 945-9028

5.

5.

Bunkhouse Bunkhouse

4428 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 200-9154

6.

6.

Cash CashInn Inn

2140 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 244-9943

7.

7.

Charlie’s Charlie’s

727 W. Camelback Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 265-0224

8.

8.

Cherry CherryBar Bar

E. Indian IndianSchool SchoolRd. Rd.--Phoenix Phoenix 1028 E.

(602) 277-7729

9.

9.

Cherry CherryLounge Lounge

starting January 11th Mill Ave. in Tempe Every Thursday at 9pm on Mill Ave. in -Tempe

10.

10.

The TheChute ChuteMen’s Men’sClub Club

1440 E Indian School Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 234-1654

C 11.

Clarendon Club Vibe Hotel

401 W. Ave.Rd. - Phoenix 3031 E. Clarendon Indian School - Phoenix

(602) CLARENDON 224-9977

11.

12.

Club Vibe 7th Cruisin’

3031 N. E. Indian Rd. - Phoenix 3702 7th St. School - Phoenix

224-9977 (602) 212-9888

12.

13.

Cruisin’ Dick’s 7th Cabaret

3702 E. N. Illini 7th St. - Phoenix 3432 Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 274-DICK 212-9888 (602)

13.

14.

Dick’s Dick’sCabaret II

3432 E. McDowell Illini Rd. - -Phoenix 2438 Phoenix

274-DICK (602) 437-DICK

14.

15.

The Door Flex Private Men’s Club

1126 S N.Black Scottsdale Rd.Hwy - Tempe 1517 Canyon - Phoenix

(480) (602) 967-DOOR 271-9011

15.

16.

Forbidden Forbidden

6820 E. 5th Ave. - Scottsdale

forbiddenaz.com

16.

17.

Homme Homme

Camelback Rd. 138 W. Camelback Rd.--Phoenix Phoenix

(602) 266-0875 266-0875 (602)

17.

18.

icepics icepicsvideobar videobar

3108 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 267-8707

18.

19.

Incognito Incognito

2424 E. Thomas Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 955-9805

19.

20.

Karamba Karamba

1724 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 254-0231

20.

21.

Kobalt Kobalt

3110 N. Central Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 264-5307

21.

22.

OZ OZ

1804 W. Bethany Home Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 242-5114

22.

23.

Plazma Plazma

1560 E. Osborn Rd. - Phoenix Phoenix

(602) 266-0477 266-0477 (602)

23.

24.

Pumphouse PumphouseII II

4132 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 275-3509

24.

Retro Bar Phoenix City Center 3600 3114 N. E. 2nd Cactus Rd. - Phoenix Radisson Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 604-4900 493-0355 (602)

25.

25.

The Rock Cactus Rainbow

4129 N.N.7th Ave. - Phoenix 15615 Cave Creek Rd. - Phoenix

248-8559 (602) 867-2463

26.

26.

Roscoe’s The Rock

4531 N. 7th Ave. St. - Phoenix 4129 - Phoenix

285-0833 (602) 248-8559

27.

27.

Rainbow Cactus Roscoe’s

15615N.N.7th Cave Rd. - Phoenix 4531 St.Creek - Phoenix

(602) 285-0833 867-2463 (602)

28.

28.

Velocity Velocity

2303 E. Indian Indian School School Rd. Rd. --Phoenix Phoenix

(602) 956-2885 956-2885 (602)

29.

29.

Wild WildCard Card

801 N. Arizona Ave. - Chandler CLOSED

(480) 857-3088

30.

30.

Z ZGirl GirlClub Club

4301 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 265-3233

October 2009 WWW.IONAZ.COM 127

IONBAR GUIDE PHOENIX

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Amsterdam

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Apollo’s*

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Bar 1

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BS West*

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Charlie’s

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Cherry Lounge ��������������������������

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Club Mijo � Dick’s Cabaret

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icepics

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� Maizie’s

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Karamba

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TUCSON � Woody’s

� 128

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������������������� Discount Cab: Yellow Cab: AAA Cab:

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602-200-2000 602-252-5252 602-437-4000

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IF IT’S NOT IN������������, IT’S NOT HAPPENING! October 2009 WWW.IONAZ.COM 129

IONTUCSON

CLUBS, RESTAURANTS, AND NIGHTLIFE 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Ain’t Nobody’s Biz Colors Howl at the Moon IBT’s Miguel’s Mexican Restaurant Venture-N Woody’s Yard Dog

2900 E. Broadway 5305 E. Speedway 915 W. Prince Rd. 616 N. 4th Ave. 5900 N. Oracle Rd. 1239 N. 6th Ave. 3710 N. Oracle Rd. 2449 N. Stone

(520) 318-4838 (520) 323-1840 (520) 293-7339 (520) 882-3053 (520) 887-3777 (520) 882-8224 (520) 292-6702 (520) 624-3858

445 S. Alvernon Way 5335 E. Broadway Blvd.

5900 N. Oracle Rd. 204 S. Scott Ave. 3800 E. Sunrise Dr.

(520) 881-4200 (520) 745-2700 (520) 887-4800 (877) 670-9022 (520) 742-6000

ACCOMODATIONS & LODGING 1 2 3 4 5

Doubletree Hotel at Reid Park Embassy Suites La Posada Lodge and Casitas Royal Elizabeth B&B The Westin La Paloma

October 2009 WWW.IONAZ.COM 131

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October 2009 WWW.IONAZ.COM 133

134

WWW.IONAZ.COM October 2009

by Addison DeWitt

“Come out, come out, wherever you are!” Yes, we celebrate National Coming Out Day on Sunday, October 11. And everyone’s welcome! All Bears, Otters, Twinks, Fems, Dykes, Bull Daggers, Lipstick Lesbians, Homos, Fags, Fruits, Queers, Trannies and any other Friends of Dorothy are encouraged to come out and be proud!

Join all your friends at the Phoenix Zoo and flaunt it in front of the flamingos, brag about it to the baboons or go for it amongst the gorillas!

This is all thanks to our Phoenix Pride Committee.

The Labor Day Splash Bash was a perfect love letter complete with kiss-off cocktails bidding, “adíos” to yet another Phoenix summer. One of the weekend’s highlights included the company of the Bash’s gracious host, Glenn Douglas Packard, co-star of VH1’s celebreality show Brooke Knows Best, who toured the town with his adorable, darling sex-symbol boyfriend Daniel Miagany (pictured, top). The two lovebirds caroused at Club Papi, the muy caliente event staged at Forbidden. Daniel is a veteran Club Papi dancer and enjoyed

a trip down memory lane with his fellow boy box dancers. ¡Que rico!

Best in Show at Splash Bash included the Mediterranean heartbreaker Gene Botta and his movie-star handsome boyfriend John Houghton. Every time I see those boys I’m absolutely seized by unrelenting paroxysms of ecstasy.

Cinematic enthusiasts may have noticed Miss Mandi Boom Boom, no stranger to the bluemovie screen on hand with a video camera. An expert of – let’s shall we say – “cinema verité,” la Boom Boom is a regular Leni Riefenstahl and Lina Wertmuller (look ‘em up on your Wikipedia, kiddies) all rolled up into one delicious and salacious confection when it comes to directing motion pictures. Let’s just say I was blushing when I saw what her camera captured.

I tip my hat to our city’s very own George Hamilton, Clayton McKee (pictured bottom. No pun intended) who recently celebrated 40 years of life, entertainment and lots of Coppertone Sun Tan Lotion as he was roasted, toasted and broasted at Charlie’s for his birthday. Many happy returns of the day and many more, with lots of melanin, Vitamin D and a proper après soleil moisturizer.

October 2009 WWW.IONAZ.COM 135

And is there MayDecember looming on the romance for yet another videographer (not quite the same kind as Mandi Boom Boom. Not by a longshot.), Mike Chesworth?

Okay, maybe not quite a May-December romance. More like July-October.

You know what I mean.

Seems that one enchanted evening after the recent Fall Frenzy concert weekend at Tempe Beach Park, the significantly younger, handsome Mike renewed an old acquaintance with the cradle-robbing AARP member Fred Schneider, (pictured above with Mike) a whopping 58-years-old, of the celebrated New Wave group The B52s, founded in 1976. The same year as America’ss Bicentennial celebration. That was before Mike was even born, and Fred was already 25-years-old. 25. I’m just trying to put everything in context here for you, gentle readers.

Our intractable little Chesworth tracked down Schneider at Amsterdam one moonlit evening after the show, and after a couple of Dirty Martinis the deal was sealed and Fred took Mike back to the Ritz Carlton for a Screaming Orgasm.

And I’m not talking about the cocktail, now. Or maybe just a warm glass of Ovaltine before beddy-bye.

There’s a word for people like this. And 136

WWW.IONAZ.COM October 2009

it rhymes with “farclucker.”

Next time, Mike, if you’re going to stalk a celebrity, pick out someone like, say, Tatum Channing (age 29) or maybe even Joe Jonas (age 20). Then you’d get a lot more street cred since they’re hotties. I at least hope that you got room service at the Ritz the next morning. Something besides a Stewed Prune for breakfast. Did Schneider give you a lesson in the German art of Sprechstimme at least?

(Again, look it up, kiddies.)

Here’s a little rumor for you. But rumors are my bread and butter. Now remember, this is just hearsay, but an extremely unreliable source who swore me to secrecy tells me that there there’s a very remote possibility that the old NuTowne Saloon may possibly be reopening with a new owner and the return of The Jerry Springer Show alumnus Daddy Ron Ron. We’ll believe it when we see it.

The Party Penguin of the Month is Alex Corrales! He’s the tireless mijo loco who is behind the wildly successful Club Mijo parties and brought Fey to the recent Club Papi party. This month their headin’ out and movin’ Out West to Club Mango. It’s going to be crazy!

Got any good dirt? Bad dirt? How about a few dust particles? Anything! Send them to Addison at RumorHound@aol.com

137

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Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

While you’re busy sorting through the nuts and bolts of Life this month, don’t forget to check and make sure that you don’t have any screws loose. It’s always a good idea to keep a ball-peen hammer around to pound some sense into a Libra who’s in your life, too..

Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20

“How now, brown cow?” Time to answer that conundrum. Because nobody wants to buy the cow when the milk is free. It’s time to reassess your worth because pound for pound, you’re Top Grade USDA Choice Prime Cut. And there’s a Scorpio out there who’d like to take a knife and fork to you. In a good way!

Gemini May 21 - June 21

You’re natural high spirits are in rare form this month, and with Halloween around the corner, you’re likely to get both: tricks and treats from a Libra and a Capricorn. But don’t kiss and tell!

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Elvis was right: “We can’t go on together, with suspicious minds.” Banish those jealous thoughts because they’re just plain silly and you’re wrong, wrong, wrong. How do I know?

Because a certain Capricorn or a Leo loves you madly. It’s true. Trust me.

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22

“I’m a big kid, look what I can do!” We all know you’re potty trained, but now is the time to show us you’ve blossomed into something wonderful! “Mommy, wow! I’m a big kid now!” A Taurus wants to see your Huggies in private.

Virgo Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

If you see any pennies, nickels or dimes lying around you better pick them up. You might need a little spare change in your pocket this 138

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month. It all pays off because you’ll have the chance to treat a Gemini to something special. The favor will be returned.

Libra Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

People like you the way they like their eggs: Sunny Side Up! So quit acting hard-boiled about situations beyond your control this month. The full moon reveals an Aries who’d like to make Grand Slam with you.

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov. 23

People will be lining up and taking numbers, just like at the DMV, in order to spend time with you. But check your diary, your calendar and keep your appointments because you have a date with Destiny. Or an Aquarius. “Now serving Number 432 ...”

Sagittarius Nov. 23-Dec. 23

Feel like doing some big game hunting?

It’s hard to know who’s the hunter and who’s the prey in Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom, but it’s a pretty safe bet you’ll bag an Aries on this month’s safari.

Capricorn Dec. 23- Jan. 20

Your hormones are in overdrive this month and you exude pure animal magnetism.

Grrr! But don’t stray too far from the fold this month or you just might get attacked by a ravenous hyena masquerading as a Cancer and you’ll be eaten alive. But you’ll survive.

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

Concentrate on a hobby, like stamp collecting or organizing your State Quarters.

It’ll keep you out of trouble this month.

There’s a Sagittarius and a Taurus out there who are offering you way too much Temptation. Just say no. For right now.

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

Feeling lucky? You might try playing the Lottery! Maybe you’ll win, but you might not win, either. It sounds trite, but count your blessings. And don’t overlook a Virgo who thinks you’re tops. Or a bottom. Either way it works.

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