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AIDS CANDLELIGHT VIGIL
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RED BRUNCH
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RETRO GAME SHOW
HOTEL CONGRESS
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ONESIE BAR CRAWL
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PHOENIX
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XXXMAS SPECTACULAR
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Cruisin’ 7th
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17 W. Vernon Ave., Unit 3 Phoenix, AZ 85003 (602) 750-1164 www.IONAZ.com ionarizona@me.com PUBLISHER / SALES / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero ...................... jacktesorero@me.com EDITOR Deon Brown ............................... ionazeditor@me.com CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ................................ kbushaw@me.com ART DIRECTOR ................................. Alex Campos COPY EDITOR ...................................... Austin Head PRODUCTION & ARTWORK SUBMISSIONS ionazproduction@me.com NATIONAL ADVERTISING REPRESENTATIVE Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 TUCSON ADVERTISING SALES Danny Catt ........................................... (520) 429-5905 danny.catt@gmail.com
PHOTOGRAPHERS: Franklin Diaz Scotty Kirby LeakedGlass Production RSVP Photography Fernando Hernandez Danny Catt CONTRIBUTORS:
Addison DeWitt C. Edwards Ted Kirby
Peter Lora Paul Sanchez Miss Tiger
Published monthly by
1995-2019: 24 Years of Design and Creative Excellence © 2019 JMT Designs, Inc.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ
All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee. NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company. Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.
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New Year. New Goals. New Attitude.
appy New Year! Like many, I struggle with my weight, mounting debt and depression. To overcome those three things to me is success and happiness. That is my goal for 2019: a personal transformatION. A friend of mine said to be dateable you need the Five IONs: transportatION (own a car), communicatION (own a phone), habitatION (have your own home), occupatION (have a job) and, finally, passION. If you don’t have all the IONs for dating, you have one last resort: masturbatION! This issue is a dedicatION to all of the people that go to the gym regularly and the people who will start going for their New Years resolutION. For the latter, don’t give up. In the 80s, Cher said that if a good body came in a bottle, everyone would have one. The men and woman in this issue didn’t need a pill. All you need is motivatION.
ContributION For 72 years, generatIONs of Easley’s have provided our community with the most outrageous costume, accessory and Halloween superstore in the Valley. Many of our photo shoots featured Easley’s merchandise and costumes. An LGBTQ ally, Debbie Easley marched in our Phoenix Pride parade every year riding her turn-of-the-century bicycle. We will miss Debbie, the entire Easley family and all of your friendly employees. Goodbye, Easley’s Fun Shop! You made a lasting impressION. 30
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ModificatION While we are losing Easley’s, in many ways our community is in transformatION. Just look at the new bars and restaurants: Sazerac, Caravan Taproom and The Louie. In additION, Kobalt and Hula’s Modern Tiki moved to new, bigger and better locatIONs in 2018. Two other bars are moving soon. Our community is in motION. This month marks my company’s 24th year in business. That’s reason for a celebratION. Not many small businesses succeed, let alone for over two decades, weathering three recessIONs. It’s because of our dedicatION to our community, our creatION team, our loyal advertisers, supporters and you for picking up ION every month at our many locatIONs. Much appreciatION for your support of our fine publicatION! Join me on my pursuit for health, wealth, fitness and happiness in 2019. Share your resolutION success stories on our Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. The best is yet to come for you, our community and for ION. Join the revolutION. Sincerely,
Jack M Tesorero 2019 InformatION ChampION
MUGGED W/ DOJA & BRII
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The Rock
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Stripper Pole Olympics at Dick’s Cabaret Forget Downhill Skiing. Forget Figure Skating. Olympics, schmolympics! See all nude male strippers from all over the world (well, from all over the Valley, anyway!) compete for the coveted title of “The Best Pole Stripper.” Prelims on Friday, January 18 with the finals on Saturday, January 19 at Dick’s Cabaret, 3432 E. Illini St. in Phoenix. See ad on p. 76
Ripple Carnival at Stacy’s @ Melrose Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Step right up! See the Wild Man of Borneo! Zambora, the Ape Woman! Get your fortune told! Ripple Phx is bringing a Winter Carnival to town where you can experience the magic and wonder with shows! Games! Prizes! Food! And drink specials! Saturday, January 26 at Stacey’s @ Melrose, 4343 N. 7th Ave. in Phoenix. See ad on p. 9
Onesie Party at Karamba Who knew that wearing your pajamas at a party would become all the rage? Dance all night and go mimis in the morning! Wear your favorite onesie and win a prize! Sunday, January 27 at Karamba, 1724 E. McDowell Rd. in Phoenix. See ad on p. 15
Super Bowl Party at Bunkhouse Watch a bunch of guys in tight pants and funny hats throw a little brown ball around while they chase each other up and down a big lawn. Someone sings in the middle of the game and the commercials are great! The best part are the nachos and buffet. 1 p.m., Sunday, February 3 at Pat O’s Bunkhouse, 4428 N. 7th Ave. in Phoenix. See ad on p. 18 34
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Reveille Men’s Chorus Casino Royale Night It’s just like Monte Carlo, or Atlantic City, or Las Vegas! But, wait! It’s Tucson! Feeling lucky? Then this is the party for you. This fab fundraiser for the choir helps them help others by changing lives through music. Sunday, February 3 at the Historic Z Mansion, 288 N. Church Ave. in Tucson. For more information and tickets visit ReveilleMensChorus.org
JANUARY 2019 ION EVENTS DATE EVENT Fri Go Go Fridays Sat Sinful Saturdays 5 Phx Leather After Party 5 Phx Leather Parking Lot Party 9 Big Gay Movie: “Zoolander” 12 Blackout Party 15 Two Dykes & a Mic Comedy Show 17-20 Sin City Classic Sports Festival 18 Stripper Pole Olympics 18 Pups & Handlers Party 19 Hot Buns Contest 19 Go Go Boy Palooza 26 Gear Night 26 Ripple Phx Winter Carnival 27 Dripping in Gold Party 27 Onesie Party Night 30 “Sound of Music” Singalong FEBRUARY 3 Super Bowl Party 3 Super Bowl After Party 3 Chinese New Year 2019 3 Reveille Men’s Chorus Casino Night
LOCATION The Louie The Louie FLEX Spa The Anvil Film Bar The Anvil BS West SinCityClassic.org Dick’s Cabaret The Anvil The Anvil Karamba The Anvil Stacy’s @ Melrose Charlie’s Karamba Film Bar
CITY Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Scottsdale Las Vegas, NV Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix
Bunkhouse Dick’s Cabaret Karamba Z Mansion
Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Tucson
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“Hey, Mr. DJ” Kirk Cummings Bares All By: Deon Brown Photos by: LeakedGlass
W
hen the androgynous, 17-year-old Zachary Travis auditioned for American Idol, season 5 in 2006 singing Whitney Houston’s “Queen of the Night,” wearing high heels, a blouse, with his hair in a cute bob, judges Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell were dumbfounded. Well, almost. Meanie in Residence Simon called him, “confused.” Randy bluntly asked, “Are you a boy or a girl?” he gamely answered, “I’m a boy. I stand up, just like you do.” Zach exited the audition while “The Crying Game” played. It wasn’t long before GLAAD came to his defense for the humiliation. “I honestly didn’t understand what the issues were all about until GLAAD sued American Idol on my behalf,” Travis said. “They pointed out everything that was offensive about the broadcast. They told me not to talk to the media. I was the first openly trans person to appear on a major TV network. When people talk about 15 minutes of fame—no shit! It was all over TV. I found out about it on Entertainment Tonight. It was shit storm. I was on People, US Weekly, Teen People. You can’t prepare for something like that.” Why the gender-bending look? Travis
explained, “Growing up, I was struggling with my identity; I thought that if you were gay, that was how you had to be and how you deserved to be treated,” is the short answer. He is a big supporter for Trans Rights. “I believe that everything happens for a reason. The experience ended up changing my life. I think It helped change things for the trans community.” It was the highest viewed episode of all the American Idol auditions. “I love to sing, but I didn’t realize that I was that bad! I’m on the list of the ‘Top 12 Worst American Idol Auditions,’ right up there with William Hung. I came in at number 12, but, hey, I’ll take it!” Travis laughs. He’s also the first reality TV star to launch a career in adult films. After the Idol brouhaha, Travis met starstruck Chi Chi LaRue (who asked Zachary for his autograph.) “Before I decided to do porn, she asked me if I wanted to work as a man or as a woman. She also told me, ‘Do whatever you want to do. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re wrong.’ Some of the best advice I ever got.” That’s when the star we know as “Kirk Cummings” was created. From “Twink” to “Twunk.” He’s been inducted as an AVN Porn Idol—an award usually presented exclusively to models in straight adult films. Friendly, easy going, open, and even a little bit shy, Kirk Cummings is pragmatic. About everything. Even blue movie stardom. “I like to say that we’re just ‘Gaymous‘ ... you know, ‘Gay Famous.’ You suck dick for a living? You ain’t really famous,” he laughs. “My mother told me to find a job that I loved; I took her advice—literally. I’ve made over 350 movies ... that’s a lot of dick!” It’s not always been easy. And then there are difficult co-stars. What do you do? “I use my imagination,” Kirk says. “Sometimes January 2019 WWW.IONAZ.COM 37
you just point your heels up to Jesus and think of handbags.” When Kirk Cummings says, “I’ve worked my ass off,” well, he isn’t kidding. Things move on. Seven years ago he decided to become a DJ. “I’ve
wanted to get involved with the community. Music has always been part of my life. I became known to the world a shitty singer on a reality TV show; if I can’t sing music, I’ll play it. We’re gay for a reason, so I play gay music. I’ve got your Whitney, your Madonna, your Britney ... I always have a music library of what’s current. I spend hours going through music from different eras.” And now DJ Cummings is the resident DJ for the newly opened club, The Louie, in midtown Phoenix. “As a DJ you’re in command of the night. You can kill the mood, or you can keep the night going. I have full reign to do whatever I want.” Part of the talent is being able to feel the vibe from everyone on the floor. “I love it when I’m able to watch out over the people when you’re spinning, put on a song and tell that they’re really feeling, ‘This is my jam!’” You know what’s gonna happen at the club when I’m there. You never know who’ll show up. I have studios sponsoring me, so I have a closet full of lube, dildos and lots of giveaways,” Kirk promises. A wealth of experience, ups and downs, trials, tribulations and successes has taught Zach—and Kirk—one very important thing: “You can only do what you do and the world will speak for you. If they like what you do, they’ll let you know,” he believes. Or just think about handbags.
Kirk Cummings spins you ‘round, ‘round, baby, right ‘round every Sunday from 3-8 p.m. at Club Louie, on the SE corner of Osborn Rd. & 7th Ave. Follow him on Twitter @KirkCummingsXXX and Instagram: #MrKirkCummings and on Facebook as Kirk Cummings.
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Dahl Haus at The Rock
Barbie’s Dream House was never like this. Watch your wildest, most erotic nightmares and fantasies come to the stage once a month for Dahli’s monthly sextravaganza of song & sleaze, plus a little bit of Max Factor and Maybelline. Trust us, you’ll never be quite the same. This doll ain’t at FAO Schwarz, henny. She brings her insanity to The Rock, 4129 N. 7th Ave. in Phoenix on Sunday, January 20 at 9 p.m. See ad on page 4. (Photo by Scotty Kirby)
JANUARY 2019 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE
TIME
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10:00pm The Rock
LOCATION
SHOW / PERFORMER(S) Mugged W/ Doja & Brii
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10:00pm Charlie’s
Wonderland W/ Piper M’ Shay
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Mister & Miss Rock Pageant
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Throwback Thursday W/ Aubrey Galichi
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Dahl Haus
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Trailer Trash Review W/ Lady Christian
Mondays
10:00pm Charlie’s
Claudia B & Coco St. James - The Strip Factor
Tuesdays
BS West
Wednesdays 10:30pm Karamba
The Next Big Star with Naomi St. James Karime Lizaldi Show
Wednesdays 10:00pm Charlie’s
Diamond in Fuego
Thursdays
10:30pm Karamba
Aubrey Ghalichi Show
Thursdays
10:00pm Charlie’s
2nd & 4th Fri 10:00pm The Rock Fridays
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Piping Hot Thursdays with Piper M’Shay Coco’s Charm School TGIF (Thank Grande Its Friday) with Espressa Grande Special Event Rotating Drag Shows
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Plazma
New Times Best Drag Show Freaky Fridays with Celia Putty
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9:00pm
BS West
Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers
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10:30pm Cruisin’ 7th
Lady Christian’s Lady & the Tramps
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10:00pm The Rock
The Barbra Seville Show
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1st Saturday 9:30pm
Charlie’s
Pussy’s Patio Show
Oz Bar
Sinful Saturday Hosted by Sonja Jae Savage Excuse Our Beauty Revue
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Pussy LeHoot & Friends
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Mary Lambert
Singer, songwriter and performance artist from Seattle, Mary likes to talk about things that make people uncomfortable, because “they’re usually important.” This Christian lesbian brings her “Everyone is a Babe” tour to The Rebel Lounge, 2303 E. Indian School Rd. in Phoenix on Friday, January 25. Find out more about her at MaryLambertSings.com For tix visit TicketFly.com or call 877-987-6487
Sir Elton John
England’s other queen, Sir Elton Hercules John, CBE, says, “Pip, pip, cheerio!” to the live stage with his “Farewell, Yellow Brick Road” tour. The Bitch is Back for the last time. “Saturday Night’s Alright for Fightin,” on January 26 at the Gila River Arena, 9400 W. Maryland Ave. in Glendale. For tix call 800-745-3000 or go to Ticketmaster.com
Kelly Clarkson
Unbelievably, this little powerhouse with the big voice came in second place to Justin What’s-his-name on the inaugural season of American Idol in 2002. (And where is he today?) Catch Kelly’s “The Meaning of Life” tour on Friday, February 1 at at the Gila River Arena, 9400 W. Maryland Ave. in Glendale. For tix call 800-745-3000 or go to Ticketmaster.com. Find out more at KellyClarkson.com
JANUARY 2019 ION CONCERT CALENDAR DATE ARTIST 4 80s Holiday Hangover Party 11 Styx 12 The Temptations & Four Tops 13 The Temptations 17 Pink Martini 18 Pink Martini 25 Mary Lambert 26 Elton John 29 Hippo Campus FEBRUARY 1 Kelly Clarkson 2 Air Supply 5 Joan Osborne
LOCATION Rialto Theatre - Tucson Celebrity Theatre - Phoenix Comerica TheatrePhoenix UofA Centennial Hall - Tucson Yavapai Arts Ctr. - Prescott Chandler Arts Ctr. - Chandler The Rebel Lounge - Phoenix Gila River Arena - Phoenix The Van Buren - Phoenix
PHONE 877-987-6487 602-267-1600 800-745-3000 520-621-3341 TicketForce.com 602-267-1600 877-987-6487 800-745-3000 800-745-3000
Gila River Arena - Glendale 800-745-3000 Talking Stick Resort - Scottsdale 800-745-3000 Mesa Arts Center - Mesa 480-644-6500 January 2019 WWW.IONAZ.COM 45
Two Mile Hollow
White people problems! The filthy rich Donnellys gather to divide their belongings after the sale of their oceanfront mansion when secrets are spilled along with lots of white wine. Here’s the twist: none of the White characters are played by White people. January 18-February 2, Stray Cat Theatre, Tempe Ctr. for the Arts, 700 W. Rio Salado Pkwy in Tempe. Tix: StrayCatTheatre.org or call 480-350-2822
Rhea Butcher
Vegetarian. Dog lover. Skater chick. Lesbian. Don’t be fooled by the “rock-a-doodle haircut and off-duty lesbian tractor mechanic outfit,” Rhea is much more. She explores what identities mean with comedy on Saturday, January 24 at Tempe Improv, 930 E. University Dr. TempeImprov.com 480-921-9877
Phoenix Theatre Festival of New American Theatre
Be part of the creative process of the creation at Phoenix Theatre. See rehearsed readings for some of the boldest, new, not-yet-produced plays and musicals. Join in talkback with the artists to help shape their artistry. January 25- February 10 at Phoenix Theatre, 100 E. McDowell Rd. For more information and tickets, visit 602-254-2151
JANUARY 2019 ION THEATER +STANDUP DATE
2-20 5-27 11-12 11-27 15-16 18-19 18-2/2 18-2/2 19-2/9 23-3/10 24 25-2/10 25-3/1
EVENT
COMPANY
It’s Not You, It’s Me Phoenix Theatre The Music Man AZ Theatre Co. - Phoenix Steve-O Tempe Improv Vanya, Sonia, Masha, Spike Mesa Encore Theatre Marvelous Wonderettes Hale Theatre - Gilbert Wanda Sykes StandUp Live - Phoenix Two Mile Hollow Stray Cat Theatre Hostage iTheatre Collaborative - Phx Two Trains Running AZ Theatre Co. - Tucson Jersey Boys Phoenix Theatre Rhea Butcher Tempe Improv Phx Theatre Festival: New Works Phx Theatre An American in Paris AZ B’way Theatre - Peoria
PHONE
602-254-2151 602-256-6995 480-921-9877 480-644-6500 480-497-1181 480-719-6100 480-350-2822 602-258-9481 520-622-2823 602-254-2151 480-921-9877 602-254-2151 623-776-8400
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Phoenix Fire Kickball League Their mission is to provide members of the Phoenix LGBTQ and allied community a positive environment to foster self respect, education, and understanding of the LGBTQ community through positive social and athletic enjoyment of American Kickball. They claim, “We’re an LGBTQ league open to everyone who likes beer more than rules. We have structured games with rules but we pursue fun as our #1 priority!” Spring Season is January 6-March 31. They play at a variety of parks in Central Phoenix. For more information visit PhxFireKickball.com or connect with them on Facebook.
Phoenix Gay Flag Football League Phoenix Gay Flag Football is the only recreational league for the LGBTQ of Arizona. They are committed to fostering community and providing a comfortable and enjoyable experience for everyone who wants to play. All skill levels are encouraged. The Spring Season begins January, and they play every Saturday morning. Spring season is February 2 through early May. For more info and how to join, visit PGFFL.com
Arizona Gay Volleyball Assn. AZGVA is dedicated to the promotion of amateur athletic competition and experience for everyone of all skill levels, regardless of sexual orientation, gender, race, creed or national origin. They’ll help develop people of all abilities and experience to participate in five levels of outdoor sand volleyball play. Games are played at Steele Indian School Park. More information is on Facebook, or visit AZGV.org
Darts The Gay & Lesbian Association of Darts (GLAD) has been hitting the bull’s eye since 1987. They are a non-profit organization of diversified men and women with the joint purpose of bringing unity to the Gay & Lesbian community and to raise money for three local charities each season. Unity is gained by maintaining a spirit of fellowship, sportsmanship, and fun. Winter Season begins January 2. Found out more about them on their occasionally updated Facebook page or website, GladPhxAZ.org 48
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Phoenix Frontrunners This is a running and walking organization open to all individuals having an interest in health and well-being, supporting community events and activities promoting equality and inclusion, respecting diversity and acceptance for everyone. They work hard to help better the lives of those we touch directly and indirectly, producing high-quality professional race events and activities for runners and walkers. Run, Forrest! Run! Find out more at PhxFR.org
Cactus Dodgeball These athletes are part of a recreational dodgeball league played all over Arizona. Find them in Phoenix on Tuesday nights and Mesa on Thursday nights playing “Foam” and “No-Sting” Dodgeball. They host social leagues, open gyms and competitive practices & tournaments. Get to know everyone at the bar after league nights and events! Contact them at Info@CactusDodgeball.com or go to CactusDodgeball.com
Cactus Cities Softball The Cactus Cities Softball League is an adult slowpitch softball league for the LGBTQ community and anyone dedicated to the amateur athletic experience. They welcome players of all skill levels and abilities regardless of sexual orientation, gender, race or religion. Don’t miss the Saguaro Cup in April. Check ‘em out at CactusCities.com or visit their Facebook page.
Gay Bowling Phoenix With six gay bowling leagues throughout the Valley, you can bowl almost every night of the week. Never bowled before? All experience levels are welcome! It’s a great way to stay active and make friends, too. Get ready for PRIT 2019, the Phoenix Regional Invitational Tournament on February 15-17. Check out the ad on page 8. Watch GayBowlingPhoenix.com for updates.
Phoenix Storm Rugby Be part of this non-profit adult rugby team welcoming all players regardless of size, race, age, fitness or sexual orientation. This tough team is always striving to be stronger, faster, smarter and competitive in all aspects including integrity, excellence and good sportsmanship. Look for information to be updated for Spring at PhoenixStorm.org January 2019 WWW.IONAZ.COM 49
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Mutt & Molly Y
ou can tell the race to release a picture worthy of a nomination for an Academy Award next month is over with blockbuster movies like Mary Poppins Returns and critics’ and audiences’ darling The Favourite just barely squeaking in under the wire. The first couple of months of movies every year sometimes seem to be the ones studios were too embarrassed to roll out in time, or had no budget for publicity. These movies star faded, no doubt desperate stars like Dennis Quaid it seems. This month’s fare is a perfect illustration.
A Dog’s Way Home Starring: Ashley Judd, Edward James Olmos There are dozens of “Ripley’s Believe It or Not” stories about dogs who are separated from their families and end up traveling across the nation, hiking the Continental Divide, forging the mighty Mississippi, and are reunited with their astonished guardians. W. Bruce Cameron, the writer who penned the sappy, awful, A Dog’s Purpose (starring the no doubt desperate Dennis Quaid) brings us another pooch picture featuring a perky human voiceover (Bryce Dallas) about Bella, who travels 400 miles to be reunited with her beloved human. No stranger to animal movies herself (see Dolphin Tale franchise), this time the difficult, nodoubt desperate Ashley Judd stars.
Yet another saccharine sequel, A Dog’s Journey, is already scheduled for release in May, 2019. My guess is it’ll star a no doubt desperate Kevin Costner. See ADogsWayHomeMovie.com for more. Opens January 11
All These Small Moments Starring: Molly Ringwald, Brian D’Arcy James, Brendan Meyer Early reviews are solid, but this probably fell into the “no budget for 2018” category. It stars the faded—yet eternally fabulous, not desperate— aging Brat Pack Queen from the 80s, Molly Ringwald (Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club). A coming-of-age drama about a disintegrating marriage between Carla and Tom (Ringwald, D’Arcy) complicates the already complicated adolescent life of their son, Howie (Meyer), who is infatuated with a woman he meets on the bus (Jemima Kirke, Girls.) Opens January 19
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Aural Fixation
by Peter Lora PeterWasTheWolf@Gmail.com
Princess Nokia Metallic
Butterfly Reissue In 2014, NYC rapper, feminist and anime fan Princess Nokia (née Destiny Frasqueri) released Metallic Butterfly, an independent debut filled with stellar vocals and ambitious production value. The mostly underground acclaim led to more visible releases, but the genius found in her first release was enough for Rough Trade Records to release a remastered, expanded edition. Princess Nokia expertly straddles multiple genres; 90’s inspired trip-hop tracks like “Dragons” and “Biohazard Butterfly” are balanced with club-ready tracks “Bikini Weather/Corazon en Afrika” and “Versace Hottie,” a modern ball culture banger. Available Now
Cupcakke Eden On her second album this year, rap’s real femme provocateur throws the punches on the tracks instead of in reality. Under the radar of Minaj and Cardi is Cupcakke, melding raunch with commentary on sex abuse and LGBTQ rights. Latin-trap “Prenup” is a hilarious declaration; think First Wives Club with a stop in Paseo Boricua. The reggaeton “Dangled” would be a hit if it could be played on radio. She settles down on “Dangled,” a ballad that’s equal parts Usher confession as it is Busta Rhymes cadenza. Available Now
ZAYN Icarus
Falls
The album is aptly titled—the mythical Icarus failed to take flightm too. Former one-fifth of Brit supergroup One Direction seems to achieve the bare minimum to remain relevant—not every attractive nominal talent can marry a Priyanka Chopra. His follow up to 2016’s Mind of Mine treads a lot of the same ground: low key, nondescript R&B—a modern day Aaron Neville. With 27 tracks and a whopping hour and 28 minutes of time, this album needs an editor. Available Now
Dolly Parton
THE DL SONGS TO DOWNLOAD ARTIST - SONG Dolly Parton – “Jolene” [New String Version] Grimes – We Appreciate Power feat. HANA Brooke Candy – “Oomph” Roisin Murphy – “The Rumble” Ariana Grande – “Imagine” The Decemberists – “Traveling On” KAYTRANADA – “Chances” feat. Shay Lia Toro Y Moi – “Freelance” Mark Ronson – “Nothing Breaks Like a Heart” feat. Miley Cyrus SAKIMA – “Virtus Domum” January 2019 WWW.IONAZ.COM 55
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Gal Pals N
o doubt about it. In the wake of the #MeToo movement, it’s time for our lesbian sisters to stand up and be counted on TV. Gay boys, move aside. It’s time for the ladies.
Relatable Who would’ve thought 20 years ago that one day we’d see a middleaged, plain, out celesbian as the face of CoverGirl promoting their Simply Ageless foundation? (Of course, a little visit to a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon didn’t hurt, either.) Ellen DeGeneres, 60, stages a thoughtful, (and very funny) 68-minute stand-up comedy special on Netflix—her first since 2003. She’s the first woman to get $20 million for a Netflix comedy special. That clocks in at $249,000 per minute. The special’s theme begs the question: “Is sweet, ordinary Ellen still relatable?” Her daytime talk show garnered 59 daytime Emmys. At $87.5 million, she’s the second-highest earning television host in 2018 (Dr. Phil is number one.) A lot’s changed since she played the mildmannered owner of a bookstore on her sitcom, Ellen. (She didn’t work for three years after coming out on national TV.)
maturity that makes her even more endearing. Even when she unexpectedly drops the F-bomb. Yes! Ellen! Now on Netflix
Sally4Ever Our stiff-upper-lip cousins across the Pond have a reputation for being veddy, veddy proper. British TV ain’t all Downton Abbey. Just look at the outrageous Absolutely Fabulous or the original Queer as Folk. Once again the English show how prudish we are with this HBO seven-episode sitcom. Shy, mousey Sally (Catherine Shepherd) lives a life of quiet desperation. When her fiancé, David, asks her to marry him, she revolts. She begins a wild affair with the beautiful, seductive, bohemian, more than slightly psychotic Emma (Julia Davis). Nothing is out of bounds. Cunnilingus, tampons, urination, and lots and lots of poop, and more puke than you can imagine will have you clutching your pearls, wondering why American TV is so stuffy. Now on HBO
Directed by Tig Notaro, Ellen explores the plateaus and pitfalls of celebrity with a wistful January 2019 WWW.IONAZ.COM 59
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The Larry E
verything used to be divided between the “right” side of the tracks, and the “wrong” side. And it always seems like the wrong side is south of the tracks. That’s being turned around! Phoenix’s mostly ignored warehouse district is up ‘n’ coming. The Bentley Projects gallery and event space is a success, and now the Lawrence Building, housing the collaborative campus for tech entrepreneurship called Galvanize, is helping make #DTPHX into “a thing.” Partners Kyu Utsunomiya and Troy Watkins, the masterminds Be Coffee and The Dressing Room created the comfy little nosh niche inside called “The Larry” with Chef Luis Arellano at the helm since they opened August 3. Comfortable, with airy, glass garage door-style windows creating a patio, The Larry is a nice little getaway for a quick bite between bytes not just for the worker bees of Galvanize, but for you, too. Rise & shine with eight different breakfasty snacks. Bacon & Eggs ($9) or Breakfast Burrito or Sandwich ($10) are available, or even trendy Avocado Toast topped with pickled Fresno chilies, fried egg, cilantro and queso fresco for $6.
caught our eye, with salsa verde, yellow corn, queso fresco, sunny side up eggs and pico de gallo on a bed of tortilla chips, $10. Tasty and authentic, sure, but my vote for “Best Chilaquiles” in downtown goes to those at Switch’s weekend brunch. (I’m open to suggestions.) Need a jump start for lunch? Try the Fried Mac + Cheese Bites. The spicy jalapeño aioli dip makes these babies start your meal off with a spark. There’s always someone watching carbs. Seven salads help keep ‘em in c check. We got the Southwest Caeser Salad with black beans, grilled corn, red onion, tomato, pepper jack
The Chilaquiles January 2019 WWW.IONAZ.COM 61
cheese, tortilla strips, jalapeño caesar dressing $10 add chicken or salmon for a fair up-charge. Six other creative salads are available, and their Beet Salad with Ruby Red Grapefruit, Manchego cheese, avocado and toasted pistachio is calling my name. $12. Four bubbly-crusted pizzas (including one veggie) are on the
menu, with the Chef’s Daily, which we couldn’t resist: white sauce, arugula, corn, charred scallions and pepperoni. It’ll be featured regularly, don’t worry. You can’t go wrong with any one of them. Did someone say, “Sandwich”? The Larry has six. We opted for the traditional Larry Burger, with cheese sauce, tomato, red onion, arugula on a buttery, hot brioche served with fantastic fries, $10. They’ve also got a BBQ Pork Banh Mi, Inside Out, Veggie Burger, KFC (Korean Fried Chicken) and an old favorite, a Patty Melt. The Larry also has a great variety of nitro-brewed coffees, plus juice, tea and a full bar if you’re so inclined. How can the “wrong side of the tracks” feel so right? The Larry knows. You should, too.
The Larry 515 E. Grant St. in Phoenix 602-432-0752 Mon-Fri 7 a.m.-8 p.m. TheLarryPHX.com #PHXWarehouseDistrict 62
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Text by Alex Campos Photography by LeakedGlass Models: Chris Non, Aric Taylor, Aaron Marner, Jericho Galindo, Natasha Mendoza Clothing courtesy of JW Collection Compression clothing available at jwcollection.com
Change your Perspective
The way you think and what you tell yourself has a lot to do with motivation. Your mind can be saying, “Watch another episode of Schitt’s Creek. It’s only 30 more minutes.” Next thing you know its time for bed because it’s a busy day tomorrow. Take control of your life and change the way you think. It’s not as big of a leap as you may think. Tell yourself that your can watch another episode after you complete your workout. Reward yourself, you’ll feel more accomplished and satisfied.
Set Your Goals
Set realistic goals that include clear milestones, and as you progress toward your goal, you’ll find a ripple effect occurs. Things will start to fall into place in your work, health, and home life. If you want to do a 5K Run, start by signing up for the race and plan your goals around that. Be sure they’re realistic goals that you can adapt to your everyday life. Who knows, you may even be on the cover of ION one day.
January 2019 WWW.IONAZ.COM 67
Think “Fun and Variety” We all need a little change in our lives— especially as gay men and lesbians. Make your workouts fun! Natasha Mendoza, a spin instructor at LA Fitness on Camelback and 7th Avenue, and The Sweatshop at Uptown Plaza asks, “Do you like being outside in nature? Do you like hip hop music? Dancing? Bike riding? Whatever it is, there is a workout that matches you.” You don’t need to stick to all the fancy gym equipment. Take a yoga class to improve your mood and flexibility. Try swimming instead of a run on the treadmill. Racquetball with a buddy is also great cardio. If you’re a want to make new friendss, try a rock climbing gym and make some new friends. You don’t want your sex life to be boring, your workouts shouldn’t be dreary, either.
Insterested in a Spin Class? Join Dr. Mendoza Mondays at 7:15am at The Sweatshop Tues./Thurs. at 5:45am Saturdays at 915am at LA Fitness on Camelback and 7th Avenue. 68
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Schedule A Regular Workout Time
Be good to your body! It’s your temple; it’s the only one you have, after all. Take a moment to look at your schedule and find a time that works. Some of the best athletes practice this great motivational skill, why shouldn’t you? Working out consistently at a regular time will keep you feeling accomplished and on track of those goals you already set. Jericho Galindo points out, “I visit the gym each week on my days off; I do stretches and pushups before bed to burn off extra energy and help me sleep every night.” January 2019 WWW.IONAZ.COM 69
Reach Out for Support
We all want encouragement and gratification from our peers; when we don’t get it, we tend to think what we’re doing isn’t working. So we give up. Why do we have trouble asking others for help or support? Friends want to be there and encourage you to stick to what you want to accomplish. Consider joining a social site that includes your interest in health and fitness. Online communities are very supportive of one another and will help keep you on track of your journey. Aric Taylor (left) recommends starting to think of yourself as more than a spectator. “Set your goals, enlist your coworkers or your friends on social media, set your calendars, and have fun!” You’ll be setting yourself up for a lifetime of good health, happiness, and energy. Do it for yourself and others around you.
Keep At It
Aaron Marner (right) says, “The most important thing for me and my fitness is just staying active. Whether it’s lifting, cardio, playing sports or hiking my goal is keep active. The most difficult thing about keeping fit is diet and staying motivated. I love food, but I know and have found that moderation is best. My motivation for working out always came from playing sports.”
Check out our Sports Guide on Pages 48 & 49
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January 2019
Bar 1 Karaoke (W)
The Cash Free Dance Lessons (W)
BS West Industry Night (W)
The Rock Late Nite Snax W/ Benaddiction
OZ Bar Pocker (W)
The Cash Free Dance Lessons (W)
29
Plazma Sinful Studs (W)
OZ Bingo Night (W)
Dick’s Cabaret WTF Wednesday (W)
Film Bar The Sound of Music
30
The Cash Karaoke (W)
Dick’s Cabaret WTF Wednesday (W)
23
16
OZ Bar Bingo (W)
BS West The Studs of Scottsdale (W)
31
House Of Comedy Darren Carter
Karamba Noche De Gloria Trevi
24
BS West The Studs of Scottsdale (W)
Karamba Throwback Thursday w/ Aubrey
17
The Rock Trailer Trash Review
The Cash Cash Inn Country (W)
The Anvil Gear Night Stacy’s @ Melrose Winter Carnaval
26
The Rock Barbra Seville Show (W)
Dick’s Cabaret 2019 Stripper Pole Olympics
25
Karamba Gogo Boys Palooza
19 Cruisin 7th TGIF (W)
18
The Anvil AMLClub Blackout Party
Tempe Improve Steve-O
Charlie’s Wonderland / Piper M’ Shay)
Bar 1 $6 Huge Long Islands (W)
12
FLEX Spas Mr. PHX Leather After Party
The Anvil Mr. & Ms PHX Leather
The Rock Barbra Seville Show (W)
Plazma Freaky Friday (W)
Roosevelt Row First Friday
5
SATURDAY
House Of Comedy Asif Ali
11
4
FRIDAY
The Rock Mugged W/ Doja & Brii
10
OZ Bar Bingo (W)
BS West The Studs of Scottsdale (W)
3
THURSDAY
Plazma Sinful Studs (W)
9
Dick’s Cabaret WTF Wednesday (W)
Bar 1 $6 Huge Long Islands (W)
2
WEDNESDAY
I N PARTY CAM EVENTS • (W) WEEKLY EVENT
FEZ $5 Big Margaritas (W)
28
Bar 1 Karaoke (W)
Charlie’s MLK Day Show
OZ Bar Bingo (W)
Karamba Onesie Party
27
Bliss/ Rebar Taco Tuesday Trivia (W)
Stacy’s @ Melrose Karaoke (W)
22
The Rock Dahl Haus
21
Bar 1 Karaoke (W)
BS West Industry Night (W)
OZ Bar Bingo (W)
20
BS West Two Dykes & a Mic
Bliss/ Rebar Happy Hour All Day (W)
15
8
OZ Bar Pocker (W)
BS West Two Dykes & a Mic
The Rock Mister & Miss RockPageant
14
Stacy’s @ Melrose Karaoke (W)
The Louie Sunday Funday Brunch (W)
13
Charlie’s Undie Monday (W)
7
MONDAY
Charlie’s Sunday Funday (W)
6
SUNDAY
1
TUESDAY
hydrat
DRINK & EVENT GUIDE
PHOENIX FRIDAY SATURDAY
SUNDAY
Anvil
DIRTY DADDY DANCERS 10pm HH $3 well/dom $2.50 pint 1-8pm
WILD MEN of the WEST 7:30pm HH $3 well/dom $2.50 pint 1-8pm
BEER BUST $3 Pitchers All Day HH $3 well/dom $2.50 pint 1-8pm
Bar 1
HH 10am-7pm
$2.25 Domestic Bottles 7pm-9pm
$1.50 Bud Light Drafts $2 Canned Beer
HH $2 OFF Well/Beer/ Select Apps/Wine/Prem.Spirits
Brunch Specials 10a-3p $12 Bubbly $6 Bloodys/Sangria
$12 Bubbly, $6 Bloodys 10a-3p 1/2 OFF Cock. 2-7pm KARAOKE 9p
Elements Show 10:30pm $5 Tito’s Handmade Vodka All Night
Buy 1 get 1 for $1. Go-Go Dancers, Extended Patios VIP
Sunday Funday KARAOKE 10p $2 doms - $3 Marys & Mimosas
2-4-1 8am-2pm HH 2pm-8pm $2.50 Miller Products 8pm-cl
2-4-1 8am-2pm HH 2pm-8pm $2.50 Bud Products 8pm-cl
FryBread w/ Joe Jackson 12p-9p JAZZ w/ Kenny Thames 7:30pm
The Cash
HH $3 Well & Dom 4-8pm $1 Drafts 8-10pm $5 Long Isl 10-cl
HH $3 Well & Dom 4-8pm DJ Delicious 9pm
HH $3 Well & Dom ALL DAY KARAOKE 8pm
Charlie’s
$3 Pitch/2-4-1 Well-Dom 2-7pm $1 Draft 10pm-Mid
2-4-1 Well/Dom Noon-7pm $3 Deep Eddy & Blue Chair Bay 10p
Super Happy Hour 4-7pm $3 Pitch / $3 Lng Island Open-Cl
HH $2.75 Well/Dom 6am-8pm Espressa Grande 10:30pm
Dirty Daddy Dancers 4:30pm Lady Christian 10:30pm
HH $2.75 Well/Dom 6am-4pm TS Dancers 10pm
2-4-1 VIP & 50% off Cover 7-10pm
Off the Hook Tons of Prizes & Giveaways
2-4-1 Cover, Wristbands & VIP Dances
HH 3:30-6:30pm & 11pm-Close $2 OFF Apps / Well / Wine / Beer
$5 & $6 Big Brunch Drinks 10a-3p HH 3:30-6:30p & 11p-close
$5 & $6 Big Brunch Drinks 10a-3p HH 3:30-6:30p & 11p-close
Happy Hour Drink Specials 10:30am -6pm
Happy Hour Drink Specials 10am-6pm
Vaquero Fridays 9-11pm Reverse Happy Hour $3 Drinks
Top 40 Saturdays 9-11pm Reverse Happy Hour $3 Drinks
Top 40 Sundays Ruby Show $3 Pitchers Beer Bust
The Louie
$3 Fireball shots $3 Dos X $5 Absl. HH & 1/2 Price Select Apps 2p-7p
$3 Corona Premier $5 Patron Shots $6 Tito’s Cocktails
SunFun Brunch $10 Mim.Bottles SunFunday 2p-8p $3 Smirn Drinks
Oz Bar
$3 Well & Dom $6 Call ALL DAY KARAOKE 9pm-Cl POKER 7pm
$3 Well & Dom $6 Call ALL DAY Darts 2pm KARAOKE 9pm-Cl
$3 Well & Dom $6 Call ALL DAY Bingo 1p
Plazma
$3 Well & Dom Until 8pm $4 3 Olives & $3 Fireball Shots
HH $3 Well/Dom Btl/Drft 12/8pm All Male Revue 10pm
Football Sunday 7p $3.50 Dom Pitch, Mimosas & Bloody Marys
HH 2-4-1 Well & Dom 2-8pm KARAOKE 9pm Drag Show 10p
2-4-1 11a-7p KARAOKE 9p Barbra Seville Show10p
HH 2-4-1 Well & Dom. 11am-cl Drag Show 10p
HH 4-8pm $2.50 Rolling Rock $4.50 Pinnacle Flavors 8pm-Cl
HH 4-8pm $2.50 Rolling Rock $4.50 Firball 8pm-Cl
$2 Rolling Rock & Well open -7pm 7-10pm $2.50 Wells & Rolling Rock
Bliss/ReBar
BS West Bunkhouse
Cruisin’ 7th
Dick’s Cabaret FEZ Hula’s
Karamba
The Rock Stacy’s
W
W
TUCSON FRIDAY SATURDAY Hotel Congress
IBTS
Live Music on the Patio Tom Walbank 7p DJ Dirtyverbs 10p
Free Dance Party 10pm DJs Sid the Kid, BOBFelix & More!
Flawless Fridays with China Collins
Saturday Night Starrletts with Janee Starr
Br
Br
SUNDAY Br
Hot Club of Tucson 10:30pm Club KARAOKE 10pm 2-4-1 9p-Close KARAOKE
MONDAY
TUESDAY
Beards, boxers & Briefs $1 OFF HH $3 well/dom $2.50 pint 1-8pm
$2 Miller High Life & well vodka cocktails 8pm-close
2-4-1 WELL 8pm-close HH $3 well/dom $2.50 pint 1-8pm
KARAOKE 9pm HH $3 well/dom $2.50 pint 1-8pm
$1.50 Bud Light Drafts, $5.25 Martinis
KARAOKE 9pm $2.75 well, dom bottle & drft
$6 Huge Long Islands
2-4-1 U-Call-It 10am-2am (except shots & pitchers) $4 Bellinis
HH ALL DAY $2 OFF Well/Beer/ Select Apps/Wine/Prem.Spirits
$3 OFF Taco Platters $6 Big Margaritas
20% OFF ENTIRE BILL (excludes discounted items)
$20 Any wine bottle $15 Any wine bottle w/ food purchase
HH Drink Specials
College Night 2 for $1 Go-Go Dancers - VIP
Thirst Trap w/ Men of BS $4 Heineken / $6 Absolut & Jager
2-4-1 8am-2pm HH 2pm-8pm Dart League 7:30pm
2-4-1 8am-2pm HH 2pm-8pm KARAOKE 9pm $3.75 L.I.
2-4-1 8am-2pm HH 2pm-8pm Undies/Leather night $1 Off
Industry Night 1/2 off All Day KARAOKE 8pm
HH $3 Well & Dom ALL DAY 2-4-1 Well & Dom 10pm-close
1/2 Priced Well and Beer 2-4-1 8am-2pm HH 2pm-8pm Pool Tournament 9pm
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
Underwear Party 8pm-Cl 50% off w/ your Pants Off $3 Jack
2-4-1 Open to Close KARAOKE 9:30pm
$3 Dos equis / $3 Corona / $3 1800 Coconut Tequila 8pm-Close
2-4-1 All Cocktails & Beer Open-Close
HH $2.75 Well/Dom 6am-8pm TS Dancers 10pm
HH $2.75 Well/Dom 6am-8pm
Wasted Wednedays HH $2.75 Well/Dom ALL DAY
HH $2.75 Well/Dom 6am-8pm Wild Men of the West 10:30pm
2-4-1 Cover, Wristbands & VIP Dances
Amateur Night Starts at 10pm
WTF Wednedays $5 Cover and almost everything else!
Thirsty Thursday $5 off Cover w/ ION AZ Ad
$5.55 BIG Margaritas ALL DAY HH 3:30-6:30p & 11p-close
$5.55 Classic Martinis ALL DAY HH 3:30-6:30p & 11p-close
$2 OFF Glasses of wine 50% OFF Bottles of wine
$5.55 BIG Signature Cocktails G Spot / O Spot / B Spot/ A Spot
Mysterdy Mondays $5 Mystery Cocktail/Shot
2 N’ 2 2 apps & 2 cocktails $25
All Night Happy Hour Regular Happy Hour all Night
Facebook/Twitter Special Text “Hulas” to 90210 after 6pm
Cumbia Night $3 Pitchers Karime Show
Urban Thursdays Aubrey Show $3 Pitcher $3 Drinks
KARAOKE 9pm $3 Drinks / $3 Pitchers $2 Bd Lt draft $3 Wells $4 Smirn HH & 1/2 Price Select Apps 2p-7p
$3 Wells $4 Fireball $5 Dom Pitch HH & 1/2 Price Select Apps 2p-7p
$3 Dom Draft $4 Lm Drop $5 Sp HH & 1/2 Price Select Apps 2p-7p
(2-4-1) 1/2 Price Drinks & Apps ALL DAY AND NIGHT!
$3 Well & Dom $6 Call ALL DAY Trivia Night 8pm
$3 Well & Dom $6 Call ALL DAY Poker 7pm
$3 Well & Dom $6 Call ALL DAY Poker 7pm
$3 Well & Dom $6 Call All DAy KARAOKE 9pm-Cl POKER 7pm
HH 2-4-1 4-8pm $2 Well & $3 Domestic
HH 2-4-1 4-8pm $2 Well & $3 Domestic 9pm-Close
2-4-1 4-8pm Sinful Studs 9pm-Mid
HH 2-4-1 ALL DAY Beautiful Losers Comedy SHow
HH 2-4-1 Well & Dom 2-8pm KARAOKE 9pm
HH 2-4-1 Well & Dom 2-8pm
HH 2-4-1 Well & Dom 2-8pm Underwear Night
HH 2-4-1 Well & Dom 2-8pm Drag Show 10p
KARAOKE 9pm-Close HH All Day & $2.50 Rolling Rock
HH All Day $5 Martinis All Day & $2.50 Rolling Rock
2-4-1 4pm-Midnight Happy Hours Midnight- Close
HH ALL DAY Thursdays Only 2-4-1 from All Other Bars
MONDAY
TUESDAY
90s House Party 10pm w/ DJ Sid the Kid 90¢ PBR Br
3-4-1 Well Drinks 8p-Close KARAOKE
Geeks Who Drink Trivia Night 8pm
Br
Tequila & Mexican Beer ALL DAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
Live Music
Salvador Duran 7pm OPTI CLUB Dance Party 10pm
Viva La Diva Show with Diva
2-4-1 All Day Go Go Boys 11pm
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PHOENIX Address
1. 2601 on Central
Phone
2601 N. Central Ave.
Coming Soon!
2. Anvil
2424 E. Thomas Rd.
(602) 334-1462
3. Aqua
1730 E McDowell Rd.
(602) 253-0689
4. Bar 1
3702 N. 16th St.
(602) 266-9001
5. Bliss/ReBar
901 N. 4th St.
(602) 795-1792
6. Boycott Bar
4301 N 7th Ave.
(602) 515-3667
7. BS West
7125 E. 5th Ave., Scottsdale
(480) 945-9028
8. Bunkhouse
4428 N 7th Ave.
(602) 200-9154
9. Caravan Taphouse
4835 N 15th Ave
(602) 274-7756
10. The Cash
2140 E McDowell Rd.
(602) 244-9943
11. Charlie’s
727 W. Camelback Rd.
(602) 265-0224
12. The Louie (NEW)
607 W Osborn Rd.
(602) 644-9555
13. Club Volt
3108 E. McDowell Rd.
(602) 244-1465
14. Cruisn’ 7th
3702 N. 7th St.
(602) 212-9888
15. Dick’s Cabaret
3432 E. Illini Rd.
(602) 274-DICK
16. FEZ
105 W. Portland St
(602) 287-8700
17. Flex Spas Phoenix
1517 S. Black Canyon Hwy.
(602) 271-9011
18. Hula’s Modern Tiki
4700 N Central Ave # 122
(602) 265-8454
19. Karamba
1724 E. McDowell Rd.
(602) 254-0231 x
20. Kobalt
3110 N Central Ave. Park Central (602) 264-5307
21. Los Diablos
1028 E Indian School Rd.
(602) 795-7881 x
22. NuTowne Saloon
5002 E Van Buren St.
23. OZ Bar
1804 W. Bethany Home Rd.
(602) 267-9959 (602) 242-5114
x
24. Plazma
1560 E Osborn Rd.
25. The Rock
4129 N. 7th Ave.
(602) 266-0477 (602) 248-8559
x
26. Stacy’s @ Melrose
4343 N 7th Ave.
TUCSON Address
27. Hotel Congress 28. IBTs
(602) 264-1700 Phone
x
311 E Congress St., Tucson
(520) 622-8848
x
616 N 4th Ave, Tucson
(520) 882-3053
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P.S.
N
EW YEAR — SAME OL’ BULLSHIT … Dear Miss Tiger, Me and my co-worker got drunk at last year’s office Christmas party. We had sex and I ended up pregnant. Mandie Lynn is four-months-old and the father is ghosting us. I’ve tried looking for help on that there Google but can’t find any. What should I do? — Bobbie Jane Dear The First Thing You Should Do Is Thank Jehovah That Yo’ Ass Didn’t Have Triplets, While surfing the internet, stop getting sidetracked with anti-Christconspiracy-theory-YouTube-videos. Concentrate on the real anti-Christ, which is your baby daddy. Google the keywords ... legal aid child support … and get Mandie Lynn’s coin, goddammit! Mi Amor, In 2019 I’m going to live my best life. I’m not going to be a gay escort anymore. I might even go to church! What do you think about this, Miss Tiger? — Alejandro Dear You’ve Spent Plenty Of Time On Your Knees So Praying Will Come Naturally, Boo, do you. Lord knows you’ve done everybody else …
Although you won’t be charging for sex, I doubt that you’ll abstain from it. With that said, Mormons are the hottest fucks … especially when they leave their name tags on! Dear Miss Tiger, My boyfriend is unemployed. I understand he’s going through a rough time but he didn’t get me a damn thing for Christmas. He’s been getting unemployment checks for months. Tell me he’s wrong for this! — Aaron Dear Miss Tiger, My boyfriend, Aaron, told me he wrote to you about not getting anything for Christmas. He’s not telling the whole truth: I’m on a fixed income right now and couldn’t afford to buy gifts for anyone— including my parents! I’m a chef and made him a Christmas dinner to die for. He wasn’t complaining afterwards when I topped him so good that he professed his love for me in this lifetime and the next. — Just Saying Dear One Cookin’ A Four Course Meal The Other Cooking Some Bullshit, Can y’all damn queens PLEASE take this dramatic bullshit to your local bar? Just sayin’ ... Miss Tiger Advice Columnist • Radio Personality ... and everyone’s #FAVORITEBITCH Website: MissTiger.com Instagram/Twitter: @MissTiger Advice: Tiger@MissTiger.com January 2019 WWW.IONAZ.COM 79
by Addison DeWitt
mean, wow! (Did you make that same correlation? No? Then shaddup!)
T
he Holidaze are over, but A here’s a quick recap: It wouldn’t be Christmas without a chance to tell Nasty Santa what you want every year at The Anvil. Believe me, if you’ve been bad, you won’t be able to sit down for a week! I have a hunch he promised something special for Slave Marcus. (A) Meanwhile, bar-back Tim Wick kept everything spic ‘n’ span. (B) Our city’s poobahs, nabobs and gadabouts were on C hand at the glitzy new “speakeasy” in the Roosevelt district, Sazerac, which is ironic, since the cocktail was created at the Roosevelt Hotel in N’Awlins. For even more irony, here’s their darling manager Michael Warrington holding a genuine Sazerac aperitif in front of a mural that says, “Sazerac.” (C) I
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The GPGLCC-LMNOP “Festival of Trees” was a hit, presenting gays not only with a myriad of hors d’oeuvres, but, more importantly, with the eternal conundrum: “How can I actually eat without anybody seeing me eat?” Well, I tell you one thing: I could’ve put B that guapo muchacho (D) offering samples of Puerto Rican food on a bolíta with a dab of mafongo on top and eaten him up with a quick flick of my little pink tongue. I don’t care who sees me eat him! Every day’s like Christmas when you’re around fabulosities Geno Oberlander and his huzzy Jeremy Johnson are shaking their–errr– “packages.” (E) Tongues are wagging! I can’t reveal specifics, but The Party of the Year was Onesie-Funzie! I was “glaad” to get an “honorable” invitation to this shindig! The blue-eyed bombshell Bradley John Dial brought along his not-so-bashful beaux, Kevin and Chris.
D
F (F) Yes, they’re a throuple! “Two’s company, three is $50,” is my motto, but who’d charge for this much fun? Adorablicious Truett and H Sean were snug as bugs in a rug, (G) not that there were any bugs in that beautiful house, except for me. True is studying 18th Century British Literature and Sean is a financial analyst. I can’t decide which subject is more exciting! (Well. Not with their onesies on, anyway.)
fashion faux pas in our time. Like when I thought wearing cloaks like Meryl Streep did in The French Lieutenant’s Woman (J) was gonna catch on. (It didn’t.) “Mr. Turk,” the ghastly guru of men’s wear died tragically in October (okay, G that is kinda sad), and his widow, Trina, opened her bougie boutique at ritzy Scottsdale Fashion Square and selling that laughable haberdashery. (K) Do you want people to make fun of you? Do you want to look like you’re wearing hideous old ponchos from Ugly Betty? (L) Hey, I’m only trying to help you. So, Happy New Year! Give me something to write about in 2019. Or I’ll make something up.
I
L
“All we are saying, is give fleece a chance!” I’d give these scorchers as many chances as they’d like. At anything. My union suit’s “trap door” is always open for you! (H) Arizona! Have you ever really seen it all? You can if you take a trip to snowy Flagstaff where you might see Trevor Grant’s booty on Mr. Humphries. (I) Like, who hasn’t seen Trevor’s butt? Gay boys! We’ve all made a few
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anuary 21 marks the Blood Wolf Super Moon complete with a total lunar eclipse, the last Super Moon visible in the whole world until May 26, 2021. Harness the energy, beware of emotional turmoil. ¶ The January 22 Conjunction of Venus & Jupiter. Giant Jupiter expands what it touches, so the romance and pleasure of Venus are magnified. Expect to feel lazy, and overindulgent with people, money, food, sex and love. Don’t borrow heavily from the future while looking for lofty ideals or cash. You’re not a hooker. ¶ Need a Resolution? There’s plenty out there. ARIES Mar. 21 - Apr. 20 This is a perfect time to start off with a clean slate–for you and everyone around you. Old issues resurface, so consider realigning your own values. It’s good to keep others guessing this year. TAURUS April. 21 - May 20 Catapult all that creativity you’ve been guarding into 2019. The time is now to complete a project, or unveil something monumental to the world. We’re curious to find out what it could be. GEMINI May 21 - June 21 Look forward to your normally contrary Venus giving you love and affection. A full dance card offers you a pivotal opportunity to network. Your “connectedness” to the World really sparks. CANCER June 22 - July 22 You can be shy and hide in your crab shell. Things change in 2019! Speak your mind. Your new confidence attracts people. Trust your friends, but not strangers. Everyone knows that. LEO July 23 - Aug. 22 2019 is all about commitment for you. Your Body, Mind and Spirit need you to get serious. Minor adjustments in your routine makes a difference in, well, everything. The big lesson this year is “Responsibility.” 82
WWW.IONAZ.COM January 2019
VIRGO Aug. 23 - Sep. 22 Live by your virtues and play to your strengths in 2019. You tend to have high morals, but stick by them and don’t get all judge-y when others might not share them. Stay calm on Wednesdays. All year long. LIBRA Sep. 23 - Oct. 22 You know what sounds a lot like “Libra”? “Liberate.” 2019 is your time to fix things that should’ve been fixed three years ago. Or more. You learn to make love, not war. You’re free! (Feel better? You should.) SCORPIO Oct. 23 - Nov.23 This is the year you get lots of satisfaction. It might not all be on your own. That’s okay. “Collaboration” is the secret word. Some might not understand what you’re doing. Those people are idiots. SAGITTARIUS Nov. 23 - Dec. 23 Things get real in 2019. Like, really real. Jupiter rules your sign, moving into retrograde until May 5, so things feel a little intense. Still, others seek your expertise because you’re naturally fabulous. CAPRICORN Dec. 23 - Jan. 20 You discover more about your value and what you’re worth in 2019. Emotional issues swirl around you. Jupiter is direct in your birthday chart, so expect opportunity and good luck. Warning: casinos aren’t a good place to test that prediction. AQUARIUS Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 Don’t upset your emotional applecart by overreacting this year. Use that energy to put everything in order. Your birthday turns back pages of history to reveal a secret. Tell your own tale to clear up any confusion. Or make to make it cloudier. PISCES Feb. 20 - Mar. 20 You’re swimming in different directions in 2019. Others try to limit you. Do you care what other people think about you? Have you ever? Heck, no! Full steam ahead! Fire when ready, Gridley!