ION Arizona #187

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WOOF PET PARTY

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BLISS / REBAR

SEE MORE GREAT PICTURES AT IONAZ.COM

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IT SNOWS!

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CHARLIE’S

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AUNT RITA’S RED BRUNCH

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SHER ATON DOWNTOWN

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830 N. 1st Ave., Unit 203 Phoenix, AZ 85003 (602) 308-4662 www.IONAZ.com ionarizona@me.com PUBLISHER / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero ............................................ jacktesorero@me.com

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ..................................................... kbushaw@me.com EDITOR Deon Brown ................................................... ionazeditor@me.com COPY EDITOR .......................................................... Austin Head GRAPHIC DESIGNER ......................................... Angel Jimenez PRODUCTION & ARTWORK SUBMISSIONS

ionazproduction@me.com

ADVERTISING SALES Jack Tesorero ............................................................ (602) 750-1164

jacktesorero@me.com

PHOTOGRAPHERS:

Fernando Hernandez Franklin Diaz Scotty Kirby Alex Campos Sam DeLeon NATIONAL ADVERTISING REPRESENTATIVE Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 CONTRIBUTORS:

Addison DeWitt C. Edwards Ted Kirby Keenan Daly

Peter Lora Paul Sanchez Miss Tiger Frederick Hill

Published monthly by

1995-2017: 21 Years of Design and Creative Excellence © 2017 JMT Designs, Inc.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.

NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company.

Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

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The Best Just Got Better

A ll of us at ION take pride in what we create for you. It takes a lot

of talented and hard working people to build and distribute every month. Over the years, sometimes our hard work didn’t shine the way we envisioned mostly because of our printer’s limitations. Today, however, you are holding the new and improved ION complete with brighter colors, more detailed images and a new “soft touch” cover. We are excited to continue to print locally at our new printer in Tempe. If you are reading this online, you owe it to yourself to pick up a copy to experience the new ION where available if you can.

Get in the Game

One of the advantages of playing sports in Arizona is that you don’t have to wait for spring to play spring sports. This issue is dedicate to all the enthusiastic people who participate in the many sports teams and leagues throughout the Valley. Whether you play kickball, softball, flag football, dodgeball, tennis or rugby with the Phoenix Storm, get out and enjoy the great outdoors while the rest of the country hibernates.

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More to Love

There’s a lot of great content in this issue: Do you remember Madonna’s racy documentary Truth or Dare back in 1992? Well, 25 years later we caught up with the still very sexy Kevin Stea, one of her back-up dancers. On page 68 he discusses the documentary Strike A Pose, about working with Madonna on her “Blonde Ambition Tour” and his reunion with the other dancers. You can see this documentary on Sunday, January 29 at the Desperado LGBT Film Festival. Join ION when you purchase a weekend pass to the festival January 27-29. Check out the festival’s movies on page 76.

If you haven’t experienced a controversial Nearly Naked Theatre production, then you have to go see Threesome this month. Check out the feature on page 52. Plus we have more Party Cams, Outrageous News and, of course, all the guides you need to explore our great state.

Work hard, play hard and get hard. We’re here to help.

I hope you enjoy this issue.

Jack Tesorero Jock Watcher

GPGLCC FESTIVAL OF TREES

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CH I LD R E N ’S M US EU M

SEE MORE GREAT PICTURES AT IONAZ.COM

A Great Headline Goes in the Space

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SPRING SPORTS PHX STORM Rugby footbALL CLUB AND OTHER LGBT LEAGUES START SPRING SEASONs

Run! Jump! Kick! Spike!

Hike! Pitch! Catch! Hey, jocks!

Believe it or not, Spring Sports Leagues are starting and that can only mean one thing: it’s time to play! Pick a league and get ready, because there’s a team out there that needs you! Here’s a guide about the leagues and teams and how you can join.

Principle Photography by Franklin Diaz Pictured - Chris Valentin Storm RFC Board of Directors President January 2017 WWW.IONAZ.COM 31

STORM RUGBy FOOTBALL CLUB Arizona’s all-male, inclusive rugby club and a proud member of International Gay Rugby (IGR), Arizona Rugby Union, and USA Rugby. We promote brotherhood and sportsmanship through healthy competition, social events, and community service.

The Storm competes alongside their sister team, Camelback RFC, from January until May and ends the season with an IGR tournament every Memorial Day weekend.

The Storm prides itself in giving back to the LGBTQ community through community service events throughout the year. ‘Like’ us and follow on Facebook at facebook. com/PhoenixStormRFC! 32

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Joel Torres First season with Storm.

Joel Torres, Chris Valentin, & Ricky Orduno

Rico Orduno First season with Storm.

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AZ GAY VOLLEYBALL ASSOCIATION

Vince Urban Team Captain of Right Meow

Arizona Gay Volleyball Association (AZGV) is a great place for sand volleyball enthusiasts in the GLBTQ community and our allies. AZGV has seven different divisions, playing 2’s on Sunday, 4’s on Tuesday, and 6’s on Monday, with beginner to advanced. We work hard to place new players on a team in the correct division, helping facilitate new teams as well to make each player’s experience the best ever.

We welcome everyone to come check us out during our Open Play days on Monday, February 6 and again on Monday, February 13 (play location to be announced.) Look us up on Facebook or visit AZGV.org for updates and more info.

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DESERT VOLLEYBALL ALLIANCE Indoor volleyball for the LGBT community and its supporters. They host Saturday Open Play for all divisions in Phoenix at the Sports Club at City Square. They host annual indoor and grass tournaments each year. Members compete and travel to tournaments around the country. Visit DVA at DesertVolleyball.com or follow them on FaceBook at Desert Volleyball to learn more about how you can be involved. DVA is a North American Gay Volleyball Association affiliated league. NAGVA.org.

PHX FRONTRUNNERS is committed to supporting the LGBT community in health and education by promoting the adoption of a healthy lifestyle through running and walking. PHXFR are participating in the Desert Classic Marathon on January 28. They hold the annual Pride Run each year in support of Pride week. 2017 Pride Run Phoenix will be held on Saturday morning March 25.

Details at PHXFR.org and follow us on Facebook. com/PhoenixFrontrunners

ICON DODGEBALL Icon Sports is for adults who enjoy organized co-ed Foam Dodgeball in a laid back social environment with players of all skill levels and individuals who love to socialize. Come join the fun year-round, Icon Sports also gives back to the LGBTQ community by partnering with local organizations and other leagues throughout the year. “Like” them for all fun events and playing dates at Facebook.com/IconSportsDodgeball

PHX UNIFIED GAY BOWLING Strike it up! Eat, drink, laugh with your friends, knock down some pins & avoid the gutter. With six Phoenix Unified Gay Bowling Alliance (PUGBA) leagues throughout the Valley, there’s an opportunity to hit the lanes almost every night of the week and join other bowlers with every level of experience.

The leagues are composed of bowlers of all ages & levels of expertise from novice to lane shark.

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PHOENIX GAY FLAG FOOTBALL LEAGUE

Matt Shields

Over ten years later, the PGFFL is better than ever, and they want you! Flag football and their league will push you, challenge you and put the biggest smile on your face.

That’s the biggest reward.

Join them for open play at Colter Park Saturday mornings through January 14th, and Spring season starts Saturday January 21 at Coronado Park. Registration is $75 through January 9. Teams will be picked on Tuesday, January 10.

Find them on Facebook at PGFFL, Instagram at #PGFFL or for more information go to PhoenixFlagFootball.com.

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CACTUS CITIES SOFTBALL Kelly Danforth of the Brew Crew

Are you a pitcher or a catcher? Even if you’re a shortstop or outfielder they want you!

Cactus Cities Softball League is an amateur adult slowpitch league for everyone who wants to play ball! Their popular Chili Cook-Off is in March at Roscoe’s with the annual Saguaro Cup Tournament April 7-9.

Join them for a Free Agent Clinic Sunday, January 8th and 22nd. Spring season begins Sunday, February 12th at the Cesar Chavez Softball Complex, 7858 S. 35th Ave. in Laveen. For more information about signing up, the schedule and more, check out at CactusCities.com January 2017 WWW.IONAZ.COM 39

Aldo Figueroa of Bunt Pirates Join in the good times with the kickball league with 14 teams here in the Valley of the Sun! Phoenix Fire Kickball is an LGBT league open to all. “We’re so excited to be able to add two more teams after our first season. The more the merrier!” says Jill Hovey, league founder. “Join us for the spring season of Phoenix Fire Kickball League. Season Start Date January 29 to May 7 at Encanto Park.

Visit PhxFireKickball.com for pick-up games more information.

Games are played at Encanto Park, 15th Ave. and Encanto Blvd. in Phoenix.

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PHOENIX FIRE KICKBALL

Noemi Bohn of Leave it to Beaver

Luc VanVuuren of Gayme of Throws

Del Frolich of One Pump Chumps January 2017 WWW.IONAZ.COM 41

CACTUS TENNIS ALLIANCE

Eric Hunter has been involved with the CTA for over 5 years.

CTA promotes the sport of tennis within the Phoenix metro LGBT community, promoting the LGBT community within the sport. Come join them for Open Play Fridays & Sundays, 7 p.m. - 9 p.m. at the Phoenix Tennis Center at 6330 N. 21st Ave in Phoenix. $10 per player (pay for courts and balls) Don’t miss out on the Cactus Open, February 11-13. Open to all levels. For details and more information check them out on Facebook.com/CactusTennis 42

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Wes Waggner Member for 3 Years

Carlos Lopez Member for 5 Years

Kellye Pinkleton Member for 2.5 Years January 2017 WWW.IONAZ.COM 43

RockStarzzz Talent Contest

Can you sing? Tap dance? Tell a few jokes? Do impersonations? Recite “The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere”?

Yodel? If you’ve got that kind of talent, you need to be part of this exciting 12 week, zero elimination talent contest. Not only that, you’ll be entertained by hostess Mia Inez Adams.

Thursdays at The Rock, 4129 N. 7th Ave. in Phoenix. 602248-8559 (See ad on p. 6)

Mr. Phoenix Leather 2017

The tradition continues! Join the Phoenix Leather crew as they celebrate the 9th annual “Mr. Phoenix Leather” contest. Anvil is the host bar. Join the gang and check out the Bus Tour. Mr. Phoenix Leather Weekend is coming up: January 5-8. For more information and application go to MrPhoenixLeather.com

Capricopia

We’re excited! There’s nothing like a variety show! Enjoy the talent and artistry of some of the Valley’s best and brightest while celebrating Capricorn birthdays. Who knows? There might even be a ventriloquist act! Paula Sha and Olivia Gardens host this fundraiser for Joshua Tree Feeding Program on January 14, 8 p.m. at Bunkhouse, 4428 N. 7th Ave. in Phoenix. 602-200-9154 (See ad on p. 17)

WMW GoGo Boys-palooza!

They bump and they grind for your entertainment and pleasure! Those sexy booty-poppin’ studs of Wild Men of the West are pulling all the stops out and shaking their moneymakers for this pulchritudinous extravaganza. There’s gift card giveaways and WMW souvenirs, too! We can hardly wait!

Saturday, January 14 at Karamba, 1724 E. McDowell Rd. in Phoenix. 602-254-0231 (See ad on p. 7) 44

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Tini Tuesdays & Manicures

How about a Gibson or Dirty Martini? Vodka or Gin? Want a French Manicure? Would you like your nails buffed or polished? How about Jungle Red? Tini Tuesdays & Manicures start Tuesday, January 17. Stick around for Songo Music Trivia Bingo 6:30-8:30 p.m. It’s happening at Stacy’s @ Melrose, 4343 N. 7th Ave. in Phoenix. 602-264-1700 (See ad on p. 9)

JANUARY 2017 ION EVENTS DATE

Tues.

Fri. Sun. Thurs.

Thurs.

Fri. Sat. 5-8 7 7 11 13-14 13 13 14 16 17 18 20 25 27-29 28 28 29

EVENT

Free Dance Lessons Live Music, Special Events WMW Rock’n Bodies Review Rock Starzzz Talent Contest Wet Thursdays Fierce A$$ Fridays Slayyyy Saturdays Mr. Phoenix Leather Weekend Mr. Phx Leather After-Party DJ Image’s Birthday Free STD Testing Stripper Pole Olympics Black Out Party Banda La Tremenda Capricopia Variety Show Country Idol Prelim Tini Tuesdays & Manicures Mr. Karamba Vaquero Pups & Handlers Free STD Tests Desperado LGBT Film Festival Chinese New Year Phx Boys of Leather Night Chinese New Year Celebration

COMPANY

CITY

The Rock BS West BS West Los Diablo’s Dick’s Cabaret

Phoenix Scottsdale Scottsdale Phoenix Phoenix

The Cash The Cash The Rock The Rock H2O Discotec H2O Discotec H2O Discotec The Anvil, etc.

FLEX Spas Charlie’s Public Health Clinic Dick’s Cabaret Charlie’s Karamba’s Bunkhouse Karamba’s Stacy’s @ Melrose Karamba’s The Anvil Public Health Clinic PV Community College Charlie’s The Anvil Karamba

Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Tucson Tucson Tucson Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix

FEBRUARY

3 4 5 5 7

Bearracuda Locker Room Party The Big Game: Super Bowl Party Super Bowl Sunday Party Super Bowl After Party

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Pageants at BS West Scottsdale EOY Pageant

It’s all about talent! Well, and looks, too. And lots of personality! Don’t miss the Scottsdale Entertainer of the Year Pageant. “Dia de los Muertos” is the theme. It happens on Sunday, January 8 at 5 p.m.

Miss Supreme Pride Pageant

Black is back! That’s the requested attire for this preliminary pageant for Miss Phoenix Pride honoring Naomi St. James on Sunday, January 15 at 7 p.m. Catch the eleganza at BS West, 7125 E. 5th Ave. in Scottsdale. 480-945-9028

JANUARY 2017 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE

TIME

LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S)

Mondays

10:00pm Charlie’s

Claudia B Hosts The Strip Factor

Tuesday

10:00pm Karamba

Savannah Moussier’s Show

Tuesdays

9:00pm

Wednesdays 9:00pm

BS West

Stars Choice Talent Showcase

Kobalt

Garden Variety Revue with Olivia Gardens

Wednesdays 10:30pm Karamba

Karamba Girls - Adriana Galiano & Karime Lizaldi

Wednesdays 10:00pm Charlie’s

Nevaeh’s High Heels & Halos

1st & 3rd Thurs 9pm

Cruisin’ 7th

Camping Out with the Southern Belles

Thursdays

10:30pm Karamba

Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds

Thursdays

10:00pm Charlie’s

Coco St. James’ Neon Party

Thursdays

The Cash

Sugar House with Kiki Andrews

2nd & 4th Fri 10:30pn

Cruisin’ 7th

Nikki at Night with Nikki Knowles

Fridays

The Rock

Special Event Rotating Drag Shows

10:30

Fridays

9:00pm

Plazma

Freaky Fridays with Celia Putty

Fridays

9:00pm

BS West

Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers

2nd Saturday 9:30pm Saturdays

Kobalt

10:30pm Cruisin’ 7th

Celia Putty Lady Christian’s Lady & the Tramps

Saturdays

10:00pm The Rock

The Barbra Seville Show

Saturdays

9:30pm

Pussy’s Patio Show

Charlie’s

1st Sunday

2:00pm

Cruisin’ 7th

Excuse Our Beauty Revue

Sundays

11:00am

Los Diablos

Show Tunes Sunday Pussy LeHoot & Friends

Sundays

8:30pm

Charlie’s

Sundays

7:00pm

BS West

The Showgirl Follies Big Sexy Show

3rd Sunday

2:00pm

Cruisin’ 7th

The Morning After with Trixxie Deluxxe

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by Deon photo

by Brown Laura Durant 50 WWW.IONAZ.COM

August January2017 2017

Nearly Naked Theatre presents

Threesome T

Assimilation can be... tricky!

here’s definitely no “nearly” in Nearly Naked Theatre’s newest production. NNT has taken on an exciting piece that hits just about every note in what makes good alternative theatre, and Threesome by Yussef El Guindi is about as provocative as a play can get.

The story: An Arab-American couple— mostly assimilated, but chafing against the prejudices that face them in our culture today—decide they can do anything an American couple can do ... even bring a stranger into their bed. They fail to recognize the pitfalls of such an event and what begins as a hilariously awkward evening soon becomes a lifechanging event fraught with secrets, raising issues of sexism, possession and independence. They also overlook one important element: what if the stranger they bring in is an idiot?

Bernhard Connor Verhoeven was a Nearly Naked and Valley favorite before he went to grad school. Aside from working across the Valley at Stray Cat Theatre, Southwest Shakespeare Company and ASU, he was also in a string of Nearly Naked productions that kept him a regular for over a year. The Naked Eye, Shakespeare’s R & J, and his spectacular turn as the innocent horse and malevolent horse-god in Equus, which made him a head-turning fan favorite of ION Arizona reading theatre enthusiasts.

Verhoeven returns to the Valley for this production of Threesome. And yes, you guessed it, he plays the idiot.

“We were looking for a play as a vehicle for Connor to come back and do with us before he goes and starts post-grad school ‘real life’,” says Nearly Naked’s Artistic Director, Damon Dering. “I read Threesome and I loved it. I gave it to him and he loved it! It

has so many of our touchstone elements; it’s thought-provoking—especially with the American-Muslim experiences. It also deals with relationships and expectations and fantasies. It’s incredibly funny, yet shifts tones into a fairly serious drama. It deals with sexuality and nudity in a very unique and provocative way. We knew it would be perfect for Connor because he’s handled all those things for us.”

Threesome has a reputation as a highly provocative play. We asked Damon what made it so “shocking” and if it’s considered provocative for a company that has handled the kinds of shows Nearly Naked has staged.

“Oh, yes. It’s a pretty provocative piece— even by our standards. We’ve even decided to restrict the age of our audiences to 17 and above. That’s one of the reasons we thought this play would be good for Connor. He’s a very confident actor, and that character requires that since he doesn’t wear a costume in the first act.”

The whole first act?

“Yes. He spends the entirety of act one naked,” Damon says with a grin.

So if you need to reach anyone at ION throughout the month of January, we’ll be at Nearly Naked Theatre. You should probably come join us there.

Threesome opens on January 14 (preview on January 13) and runs Thursday-Sunday ‘til February 4 at The Hardes Theatre at Phoenix Theatre. Tickets are available at NearlyNakedTheatre.org or by calling the Phoenix Theatre Box Office at 602254-2151.Those under 17 must be accompanied by a legal guardian.

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Hamlet

Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio! Catch this messed up story about a dysfunctional mother and her son, the depressing melancholy Dane, Hamlet, presented by the Southwest Shakespeare Co. January 13-28 at the Mesa Arts Center, 1 E. Main St. in Mesa. For more info and tickets visit SWShakespeare.org or call 480-644-6500

The Illusionists

Abracadbra, presto change-o! The seven most incredible illusionists on earth present daring feats of levitation, mindreading, disappearing act and a water torture escape worthy of Harry Houdini. Catch this Broadway tour January 17-22 at ASU Gammage, 1200 S. Forest Ave. in Tempe For tickets go to ASUgammage.com or TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000

Ron Jeremy XL Comedy Tour

You gotta love “The Hedgehog.” In The Guinness Book of World Records for “Most Appearances in Adult Films,” the prodigiously talented & well-hung Jeremy is also a very funny man and star of the web series, “Why Not Weiss.” You won’t wanna miss this! January 23 & 24 at Rick Bronson’s House of Comedy, 5350 E. High St. Suite 105 (Near Desert Ridge Marketplace) AZ.HouseOfComedy.net 480-420-3553

JANUARY 2017 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE

EVENT

COMPANY

PHONE

4-8 Godfrey 5-7 Pauly Shore 6-7 Adult Puppet Slam 6-22 Fox of the Fairway 11-15 Ruben Paul 12-15 Carlos Mencia 13-11 Camelot 13-28 Hamlet 14 Andrew Dice Clay 14-2/4 THREEsome 17-22 The Illusionists 17-4/18 Marvelous Wonderettes 19-21 Nick Swardson 19-21 Joey Diaz 23-24 Ron Jeremy 25-2/12 Baskerville thru 2/11 Is He Dead

House of Comedy Phoenix Tempe Improv Great AZ Puppet Theatre Mesa Encore Theatre House of Comedy Phoenix Tempe Improv AZ B’way Theatre SW Shakespeare Co. Talking Stick Resort Nearly Naked Theatre ASU Gammage Hale Centre Theatre StandUp Live - Phoenix Tempe Improv House of Comedy Phoenix Phoenix Theatre Hale Centre Theatre

480-420-3553 480-921-9877 602-262-2050 480-644-6500 480-420-3553 480-921-9877 623-776-8400 480-644-6500 800-745-3000 602-254-2151 800-745-3000 480-497-1181 480-719-6100 480-921-9877 480-420-3553 602-254-2151 480-497-1181

3

Talking Stick Resort

800-745-3000

FEBRUARY

David Spade

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Bernadette Peters

If you’re a queen who loves show tunes, you’re gonna freak out when you hear that Broadway’s brightest diva is coming to Tucson! She’ll be belting Sondheim ‘til your ears ring. So send in the clowns on Saturday, January 21 to University of Arizona Centennial Hall, 1020 E. University Blvd. in Tucson. Get your tickets at UApresents.org or call 520-621-3341

Rick Astley

“Never Gonna Give You Up” was the No. 1 hit single in 25 countries and Rick Astley’s booming voice was everywhere in 1987. He’s still considered one of the best singers in the biz. He’s promoting his new album, 50, and you can catch him on Sunday, January 22 at the Marquee Theatre, 730 N. Mill Ave. in Tempe. For tickets go to LuckyManOnline.com or call 480-839-0707.

Patti LuPone

What? You say you want more Broadway show tunes, Mary? Well, don’t cry for me, Argentina, because the Evita, Mama Rose, Norma Desmond and Corky’s mom is coming! The Great White Way’s legendary performer will belt ‘em out on Saturday, January 28 at Scottsdale Center for the Arts, 7380 E. 2nd St. For tix visit ScottsdalePerformingArts.org or call 480-499-8587

Ariana Grande

Get out your black bunny or kitty ears! That dangerous woman Ariana Grande is gonna love you harder on Thursday, February 2 at Talking Stick Resort Arena, 201 E. Jefferson St. in Phoenix. Catch your everything and get tickets at TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000. Bang! Bang!

JANUARY 2017 ION CONCERT CALENDAR DATE ARTIST 11 Pink Martini 11 Itzhak Perlman 12 Itzhak Perlman 13 Music of Star Wars 14-15 Simply Sinatra 20 Taylor Dane 21 Bernadette Peters 22 Rick Astley 28 Patti LuPone FEBRUARY 2 Ariana Grande 8 Dashboard Confessional

LOCATION PHONE Scotts. Ctr. for the Arts 480-499-8587 UofA Centennial Hall - Tucson 800-745-3000 Mesa Arts Ctr. 480-644-6500 Phx Symphony 602-495-1999 Phx Symphony 602-495-1999 Talking Stick Resort - Scottsdale 800-745-3000 UofA Centennial Hall - Tucson 520-621-3341 Marquee Theatre - Tempe 480-839-0707 Scotts. Ctr. for the Arts 480-499-8587 Talking Stick Resort Arena - Phx 800-745-3000 Marquee Theatre - Tempe 480-839-0707 January 2017 WWW.IONAZ.COM 55

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Dames & Doggies Hidden Figures

Starring: Taraji P. Henson, Octavia Spencer, Janelle Monáe, Kevin Costner, Kirsten Dunst A true “feel good” biopic from overlooked pages of American history.

Mathematicians Dorothy Vaughn (Spencer, The Help), Mary Jackson (Monáe, Moonlight) , Katherine Johnson (Henson, Empire) were “human computers” recruited by NASA as the brains behind the launch of astronaut John Glenn into orbit and his safe return in 1962.

But here’s the kicker: not only were the the three geniuses women, they were Black, crossing gender, race and professional lines in a time when this was unheard of.

Opens: January 13

Table 19

Starring Anna Kendrick, Lisa Kudrow, Craig Robinson, Stephen Merchant After a “Text Message Break-Up” by her boyfriend, the best man at her best friend’s upcoming wedding, Eloise (Kendrick, Pitch Perfect) is ousted as the maid of honor. Nonetheless, she

attends the wedding with her head held high ... ... until she learns she’s assigned Table 19, the “loser table.”

Everyone at the table learns a lesson about friendship, losers and winners. But, hey? Who wouldn’t want to be stuck at a table with Lisa Kudrow (Friends nutty “Phoebe”)?

Opens January 20

A Dog’s Purpose Starring: Bradley Cooper, Dennis Quaid, Josh Gad

A comic and touching story about Man’s Best Friend and reincarnation. Discover a pooch’s Zen-like tale when he returns over the course of several lifetimes and several owners to sniff out his purpose in Life.

Based on the bestselling novel by W. Bruce Cameron, author of 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter and directed by director Lasse Hallström (Chocolat, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, The Hundred Foot Journey and two movies about ABBA, because he’s Swedish). No stranger to dog cinema, Hallström also directed Hachi: A Dog’s Tale (2009).

This critic will guarantee that cats are sure to hate this movie.

Opens January 27

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by Peter Lora pintelonegro@gmail.com

The Hamilton Mixtape

Various Artists The Hamilton original cast recording surpassed over half-billion streams on Spotify. Needless to say that even without the Founding Father visuals of the hit Broadway musical, the hip-hop history lesson is incredibly popular. Popular enough to warrant an entire reinterpretation by an A to Z list of hip-hop and R&B stars? Not so much.

An early aughts reunion takes place on “Helpless” where Ashanti and Ja Rule sonically reunite. It’s a reunion I’d expect on the casino circuit. The Hamilton Mixtape seems more like an open casting call where SIA is made a scene partner with Queen Latifah and Miguel on “Satisfied”, Jimmy Fallon and The Roots on “You’ll Be Back.” No one can deny the catchiness of “My Shot” even when huffed and puffed through

by Busta Rhymes but the creator of the show, Lin-Manuel Miranda is missed.

Alicia Keys aces “That Would Be Enough”, however her performance is not enough. Available Now

The Weeknd Starboy

At some point in the last year someone sat The Weeknd down and asked him what his intentions were. How long do you want to be around? Is the hair negotiable?

Abel Tesfaye, a.k.a. The Weeknd, ditched his signature sculptural doo and picked up electronic music legends

Aural Fixation

Daft Punk to create an album that not only solidifies that he’s in it for the long haul, but he aims to win it.

Starboy opens with its title track, it’s pep talk to himself. “I’m m*therf*ckin’ starboy.” Starboy being the final evolution of the “F*ck Boi,” to put it in gayspeak, a stud instead of trade. The sophisticated electronic beat, vocal harmonizers make it an undeniable Daft Punk masterpiece.

“False Alarm” is a total surprise, an 80’s dance, punk rock riot, where Tesfaye screams and yells. Unexpected moves make for long and interesting careers. He makes another unexpected move with “Rockin’” while borrowing from the house hits that clubs in the 90’s.

“Secrets” is the much sexier sequel to “Can’t Feel My Face” and destined to be the song of next summer. It’s hard to believe that on the Daft Punk produced finale to Starboy, “I Feel It Coming,” that it’s not Michael Jackson.

Tesfaye perfectly mimics the singer’s legendary falsetto, hinting more toward his career aspirations to step into the icon’s shoes.

Available Now

THE DL SONGS TO DOWNLOAD ARTIST - “SONG”

Brooke Candy - “Living Out Loud” SOHN - “Rennen” Basement Jaxx - “Jump N Shout’ Miranda Lambert - “Vice” Buika - “Si Volveré” Gigamesh - “History” Grouper - “I’m Clean Now” A Tribe Called Quest - “We The People” Flume - “My Boo feat. Vince Staples” Childish Gambino - “RedBone” January 2017 WWW.IONAZ.COM 59

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ionazeditor@me.com

The Beatles: Eight Days a Week The Touring Years

Soundbreaking Stories from the Cutting Edge of Recorded Music In the age of iTunes and instantaneous on demand music streaming services such as Spotify, Pandora, and Google Play it’s hard to remember that once upon a time we had to wait for our recorded music. It came on vinyl records, cassettes and 8-track tapes. Recording music was an intense, laborious, painstaking procedure since Edison invented the phonograph in 1877.

(This instrument were never intended to play back the recorded sound, oddly enough. Music changed its purpose.)

Soundbreaking is an engrossing eightpart documentary chronicling the sonic revolution with some of the greatest names in the business, relating how the cutting edge of technology and human artistry created the soundtrack of our lives.

Over 160 original interviews with the most celebrated recording artists, producers and music industry pioneers offer a dynamic behind the scenes look at how artists like Elvis Presley, The Beatles, The Beach Boys, Jimi Hendrix, Prince and others made some of the greatest musical art of the 20th century.

The Story of Rock

Touted as “The band you know. The story you didn’t.” More or less. After watching Soundbreaking and you’re totally immersed in the nostalgia of rock ‘n’ roll music history, you might as well commit. Here’s The Beatles!

This documentary features footage of the riotous concert years of 1963-1966 when the Fab Four became a worldwide cultural phenomena besting everyone else. It also examines how the growing Beatlemania soured their lives as they evolved artistically, longing to escape and become more than what their fans wanted. Celebs like Whoopi Goldberg, Sigourney Weaver and others share their favorite Beatles memories.

Director Ron Howard’s doc about the moptops is not groundbreaking by any means but captures the excitement of one of the greatest bands of the 20th century, how they witnessed lingering segregation while touring and more. ★★★★☆

Available now at Amazon.com on Bluray, DVD or Hulu streaming

Rare archival footage, historic interviews and much more make this seven-hour documentary “must” for any music aficionado and historian. ★★★★★

Available now on DVD, Blu-ray and digitally with Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, Amazon Video, Google Play, Vudu, Acorn

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Toasted

A Grilled Cheese Gastropub

W e’ve had all kinds of gourmet

entrées and classic cuisine we could never even dream of making on our own. But there’s something about “comfort food,” however, that’s so ... well ... “comforting.” It’s like hugging a puppy.

It’s not a surprise that Toasted: a grilled cheese gastropub is becoming a Central Phoenix favorite along the Melrose Curve, in the same cherished location previously housing Harley’s Bistro (we’ll miss you, and especially your Crack Bread) and Livia’s Roman Table of long ago.

Along with such homey, all-American sandwich greats like the peanut butter and jelly, a tuna melt or the Sloppy Joe, the versatile, lovable grilled cheese sandwich holds a place dear to our heart. Toasted coaches the old favorite, bringing it into the “big boy leagues” of sandwiches and into a class all by itself.

each squeaky curd lightly battered and fried. Served piping hot for $6.

A bigger favorite with us were the Fried Pickles with a crunchier batter, and chunks of dill pickles sliced and–yep– deep fried for $5.

Eight different dipping sauces are available.

(One sauce is included, additional sauces are 75¢ each.)

Ready? Loosen your girdle, because you’ll have to make room for the pudgy grilled cheese sandwiches. A dozen different kinds means there’s plenty of variety. We couldn’t resist the Patty Melt, a tender burger with cheddar cheese, stuffed with french fries, and topped with lettuce, tomato, onion and a pickle. $11 If you’re fixin’ to do some Guinness Book of World Records kind of eating, dedicate yourself to the Trailer Park (pictured below).

But first, here’s one caveat: you know that diet you promised to start on January 1? This ain’t the place for skinny-minnies.

Appetizers are a good place to start if you’re very hungry. If you hail from just abut anywhere in the Midwest, you’ll likely to go bananas over their Wisconsin Fried Cheese Curds. Plump and plentiful, there’s more than enough to share, with January 2017 WWW.IONAZ.COM 63

The bread is Fritocrusted, stuffed with chili and cheddar cheese and deep-fried.

It’s mammoth, but we wish the too-mild chili had a lot more zip. $10.

The So Cal offers up generous portion of grilled chicken breast, bacon, lots of fresh avocado and a side of sweet habañero sauce for $11.

A clever twist from the City of Brotherly Love’s famous ‘wich is the Phoenix Cheesesteak with a bangin’ combo of Havarti and Cheddar, sautéed onions, jalapeños and Anaheim chilies piled high on thin-sliced grilled steak. $11.

All sandwiches are served with your choice of house-made potato chips, pomme frites or a side salad. Don’t have the appetite for a big sandwich? Go for the Low Carb Option with a cast iron bake for $2 more.

You can’t have a grilled cheese

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sandwich without it’s trusty sidekick: Tomato soup.

Toasted’s is the best you can get. The housemade Tomato Bisque is a family recipe, served in a large bowl with a piece of Texas Toast for $5. Don’t pass this up. We could eat it by the bucket.

We admire this stick-to-your-ribs kind of cooking for sure, and so will you, but we couldn’t help but wish that a few fullsized salad bowls were offered for our leaf-loving friends.

Toasted still has the full-bar on the premises, guaranteeing you’ll be as “toasted” as your sandwich or on a liquid diet. (Just remember to call Über, if you are!)

Toasted is a great pick to warm up on a winter day or night. The “cozy” is free.

Toasted: A Grilled Cheese Gastropub 4221 N. 7th Ave. 602-234-0333 ToastedPHX.com

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GINGERBREAD DECORATING CONTEST

TICOZ

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by Deon Brown

by Deon Brown 68

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“Don’t Just Stand There” Let’s get to it ... 25 years later, dancer Kevin Stea remembers life with Madonna, his friends and dancing. C’mon, Vogue!

M

adonna inspired a budding generation of gay people to c’mon, vogue and move to the music in 1990. That year the Material Girl took her famous Blonde Ambition Tour on the road. Her back up dancers, Kevin Stea, Luis Camacho, Oliver Crumes III, Salim Gauwloos, Jose Gutierez, Gabriel Trupin, Carlton Wilborn became fan favorites and catapulted into the limelight when director Alek Keshishian released the controversial movie “Truth or Dare” chronicling the tour.

And then there was famous screen kiss between dancers Salim and Gabriel, shocking the public, infuriating the Vatican and upsetting Canada.

It all seems far away now. The impact of the tour and the relationships the dancers forged are explored in the documentary, “Strike A Pose.” 25 years later Kevin Stea remembered the experience while reflecting on the time and rekindling friendships with ION Arizona.

ION: Did you ever imagine you’d be a back-up dancer turned celebrity?

KS: (Laughs) Not at all. I was in school living on Top Ramen and potatoes and nothing else. I had zero money to suddenly be working for Madonna; I felt like I won the lottery. I’d only been dancing for a year! I didn’t even want to be a dancer. It was quite a surprise that it became my life’s work.

ION: Was the fame difficult to handle?

KS: I never had any experience with celebrity, acknowledgment or fame like you’re describing. I came back to Los Angeles with no money, no place to live, no car. I spent all my money on clothes and on people around the world. It was just a job; a moment in time and I was back at auditions. There were no articles, no response from anybody or being able to say, “Look, I made a difference!

People know who I am!” Especially in LA. Nobody ever comes up and says, “I know who you are!” That’s not an LA thing.

The dancers who came back to New York were suddenly surrounded by the House of Extravaganza, all the door people.

There’s a different culture in New York that celebrates the club personalities.

They already had a name in the nightclub scene so they came back to a lot of fanfare. I came back to working again.

ION: What advice would you give to the young Kevin Stea on the “Blonde Ambition” tour now?

KS: Be outspoken. Be your own champion. Think hard about what you January 2017 WWW.IONAZ.COM 69

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really want in life and know that you can have it. There’s a cost to everything. It seems so easy; it’s all about “fame and fortune.” The cost is your privacy, your life and your time. It’s not always worth it. I had my taste of it.

Was it satisfying? Was it fulfilling? No. ION: “Truth or Dare” was so controversial. Does it still “push buttons” today?

KS: It pushes buttons in different ways.

It’s easy to look back at it now and think it’s simple. It was graphic for the time. Nobody opened up their lives for cameras in that way. It didn’t shy away from presenting our tour lives—that odyssey stands up. Being outspoken is a timeless quality that speaks to every generation. Stand up for your rights.

Speak up for others; that’ll always be valuable.

In 1992 Stea, Trupin and Crumes filed a high profile lawsuit for financial compensation citing invasion of privacy and breach of contract. In 1994,the suit was withdrawn and an undisclosed settlement was reached.

ION: Do you regret the lawsuit?

KS: No, I absolutely do not. That question isn’t answered in the movie; they don’t give any time to it and it’s frustrating. The world was left with the press’ view of the lawsuit which was all sensationalism and about tearing Madonna down. Back then dance agents weren’t even a thing.

My intention filing the lawsuit was to make a stand for dancers’ rights—not to tear her down and say that she’s horrible. I’m positive that it was a misunderstanding. Madonna didn’t know that there was a clause in my contract, “For a movie you get paid this amount of money.”

I have no regret about the lawsuit; it’s January 2017 WWW.IONAZ.COM 71

given me a platform to speak up for dancers’ rights my entire career. I know what’s at stake.

I want to make my community better than before I arrived, to let the industry know that we have rights. We’re not just dancers, we are human and deserve all the protections everyone else has.

ION: You said that since the lawsuit against Madonna you’ve felt, “Somebody in the world is mad at me.”

KS: She thought that I created the lawsuit. I didn’t. We had the same agency! I ran into her and she was furious at me. She said, “Fuck off! You’re on my fucking shit list!” Two days later our agency’s lawyers filed the lawsuit and they threw us [the dancers] under the bus. It was their responsibility to fulfill the contract. They were protecting their own relationship with Madonna. We just didn’t know this, we just thought they were being assholes.

ION: Was “Strike A Pose” cathartic for you?

KS: Absolutely. It was this moment of unexpected resolution I didn’t know would happen going into the reunion. I didn’t know if they were going to be cold and distant, if we were going to be able to relate anymore. When we saw each other it was like no time had passed. All I felt was this extraordinary, overwhelming sense of love and a sublime awareness of how important they are to me. A very specific and special moment in my life will never be recreated by anybody else lives in them. Only we share that with each other. When we stepped in that room we 72

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were suddenly 20-yearsold again, but with the wisdom of 25 years to be able to to acknowledge how important we are to each other and how much we love each other.

We’re all having that “Mid-Life Moment:” Have we become who wanted to be?

What we expected to be? Two years earlier some of us wouldn’t be ready― myself included. At that moment we wondered, “Was it real? Did we have that experience together? Was it that important?” What we got was a resounding, “Yes.” It meant a lot to us. If it means anything to anybody else it’s just gravy.

This movie is very special because it offers us an opportunity to speak. I forget how rare it is for a dancer to speak and express ourselves. We have words and stories and lives and emotions rather than dancing them out on stage.

ION: Any word from Madonna’s camp?

KS: From her? Not directly. Her publicist loved it and forwarded it to Madonna.

I’m sure she’s seen it. I don’t know if she liked it or not. I just imagine her thinking how old and tired we all look and being upset that it’s not all about her. I don’t hold any grudges; it’s her. I’m at peace with how everything was left.

ION: Did you feel used?

KS: She really was a maternal figure for us; we did feel dropped off at the curb. I agree that “Madonna and her gay dancers!” was a publicity mainstay for the film, but it made a big difference for so many people. For Gabriel it was difficult.

It was at the cost of Gabriel.

We were used for her own support message, that should have been said.

But if I had one request: I would have

said, “Support us in your message. Don’t just throw it at us! We’re people. We’re your friends. She said, “I’m gonna make you stars!” We were 20! We don’t have the knowledge you have, or the success!

We’re not beautiful, straight, White women! You have access to things we don’t have. To throw us into the world like that, I felt, was irresponsible. I didn’t take it as cruel, but I can see how it impacted everybody overall. It left a lot of debris in its wake. It left all of us floundering.

ION: Anything you wish viewers would know beyond what we see in “Strike A Pose”?

KS: Human’s are very complex creatures with crazy stories. It’s odd to see the movie and realize how many stories and emotions didn’t end up on camera.

I’d love to see behind the scenes and interviews. I’m very grateful for this movie. It has legs. It has a heart. It

inspires people. It’s masterful in the recreation of the era and the context of a very specific moment and message of our journey.

There’s always more to the story. I want people to know that all stories are important. Some contexts are crazier and wilder than others. What we’ve learned is there’s power in honesty and sharing.

Kevin Stea has worked with show business greats David Bowie, Celine Dion, Janet Jackson, Ricky Martin, George Michael, Lady Gaga, Prince, Beyoncé and more. Learn more about him at KevinStea.com Don’t miss the documentary at the Desperado Film Festival on Saturday January 28th at 3:30pm

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Desperado D

LGBT Film Festival

esperado LGBT Film Festival brings some of the best, most insightful and entertaining in LGBT documentaries, short and feature films to the Valley. There’s also opportunities to meet and discuss the various films with directors, writers and actors.

Discover the importance of LGBT film as a way to express our cultural and individual identity at the Desperado LGBT Film Festival January 27-29

Friday, January 27 Reception 6 p.m. catered by Kim Cummings Catering

A Million Happy Nows — 7:30 p.m.

Starring: Crystal Chappell, Jessica Leccia, Hillary B. Smith, Dendrie Taylor, Dale Raoul, Dan Gauthier, Robert Gant, Cuyle Carvin, Marisa Calin, Roberta Valderrama, Andrew Dits, Donnell Turner Veteran actress Lainey Allen (Chappell) is tired of being sidelined for younger talent on the soap she has starred in for 20 years. Coupled with finding it 76

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harder to retain her lines, she decides not to renew her contract as she and her publicist and partner, Eva Morales (Leccia), move to their weekend house on the coast. The move highlights changes in Lainey’s personality. But when Lainey starts to forget more than can be attributed to stress, Eva insists on a visit to the doctor.

Lainey and Eva’s relationship changes as they struggle to deal with the diagnosis of Lainey’s Early Onset Alzheimer’s, the prospect of an indomitable woman’s future of dependence and her single support system—the woman who was once in awe of her, became everything to her, and will now look after her.

AMillionHappyNows.com

Saturday, January 28 Real Boy — 12 noon

As 19-year-old Bennett Wallace navigates early sobriety, late adolescence, and the evolution of his gender identity, his mother makes her own transformation from resistance to acceptance of her trans son. Along the way, both mother and son find support in their communities, reminding us that families are not only given, but chosen. RealBoyMovie.com

Mixed Shorts — 1:45 p.m.

Strike a Pose - 3:30 p.m.

In 1990, seven young male dancers joined Madonna on her controversial Blond Ambition Tour. On stage and in the iconic film Truth or Dare they showed the world how to express yourself. 25 years later they reveal the truth about life during and after the tour. The film is a dramatic tale about overcoming shame and finding the courage to be who you are.

StrikeAPoseFilm.com

AWOL — 5:30 p.m.

Joey, an aimless high school graduate searching for a way out of Pennsylvania coal country. A visit to an Army recruiting office appears to provide a path, but a chance encounter with Rayna, a slyly seductive housewife and mother neglected by her long-haul trucker husband, changes Joey’s path irrevocably. As Joey falls ever more deeply in love with Rayna, clouded judgment leads her down a path she can’t turn back from.

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FREE Film Shorts — 7:05 p.m.

Presented outdoors, so bring blankets/chairs and enjoy the best shorts from years past. Food available for purchase. Sponsored by PVCC Student Life

Do You Take This Man — 8:15 p.m.

Daniel, 40, (Anthony Rapp) and Christopher, early 30’s, (Jonathan Bennett) are very different men—in their interests, friends, handling stress—but they’re very much in love, and they’re getting married tomorrow. At least that’s the plan. Triggered by the unexpected arrival of a long-lost childhood friend of Christopher’s, the grooms-to-be confront their differences, leaning on their friends and family to get through a day filled with surprises and uncertainty about their future together. Also starring Alyson Hannigan. DoYouTakeThisManMovie.com

Sunday, January 29 (Feature films times to be announced)

El Canto del Colibri — 12:15 p.m.

A documentary about Latino fathers dealing with issues of immigration, faith, marriage equality, machismo, culture, and the process of their LGBTQ children coming out. Real stories, interviews and interactions with family members and their everyday lives in their communities around the country. ElCantoDelColibri.com Discussion on Latino fathers and related topics moderated

by Alberto Olivas from ASU. FREE

Jonathan

24-year-old Jonathan is an emotional young man living on a remote farm in Germany where he cares for his sick father, Burghard. With his mother long dead and his father dying of cancer, their only child is desperate to unlock a family closet full of secrets and lies before they are buried forever. Distracted by sexual chemistry with his father’s young nurse, Jonathan grasps for the truth. A coming-of-age saga crossed with a coming-out story. German with English subtitles.

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Heartland

When Lauren’s girlfriend dies, she finds herself back in her small hometown trying to find solace at her mother’s house, where being gay is tolerated, but not accepted. She finds comfort in an affair with her brother’s girlfriend. They find what they need in each other and give back exactly what they want in the moment. It’s not only about sex, although the steamy love scene doesn’t hurt. HeartlandTheFilm.com

Fair Haven

— presented by Phoenix Pride 19-year-old James Grant returns to his family farm in Vermont after a long stay in ex-gay conversion therapy. He’s torn between the expectations of his emotionally distant and emotionally abusive father and the memories of a past, loving relationship that he’s tried to bury. A modern love story as well as a beautiful exploration of the human spirit wrestling with the Holy Spirit in a battle where the victor wins control of who we love. FairHavenFilm.com

Additional Events:

Friday - 8 a.m.-1 p.m. Real Boy: a screening presented by the Diversity Leadership Alliance for corporate human resources managers; open to the public. FREE with pre-registration, includes workshop on the topic of transgender in the workplace Saturday - 9 a.m. — Glassblowing class with David Bradley, PVCC faculty. Cost: $45.00 Limited seating Saturday - 3-5 p.m. - Tricky Burns — live painting demonstration in the CPA lobby Sunday - 3:30 p.m. — Live Music with Phoenix band “House of Stairs” Tickets to the Desperado LGBT Film Festival on sale now!

Early bird all access - $60 on sale through January 8 All Access - $80 available after January 8 General Admission $10 Students with valid ID/seniors - $8 DesperadoFilmFestival.com Paradise Valley Community College Center for Performing Arts 18401 N. 32nd St. at Union Hills Dr. in Phoenix.

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LGBT Film Festival

Desperado 80

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Hotel Congress - Tucson 90’s House Party (W)

9

Bunkhouse Jazz with Kenny Thames (W)

8

Kobalt Naughty or Nice Bingo (W)

30

House of Comedy Ron Jeremy XL Tour

31

Bar 1 Karaoke Night (W)

House of Comedy Ron Jeremy XL Tour

24

Stacy’s @ Melrose Tini Tuesdays & Manicures (W)

The Cash Free Dance Lessons (W)

Stacy’s @ Melrose SONGO Music Trivia (W)

17

Los Diablos Taco Tuesday (W)

Hotel Congress - Tucson Geeks Who Drink Trivia (W)

Stacy’s @ Melrose Country Idol Prelim

10

Dick’s Cabaret Amateur Night (W)

The Cash Free Dance Lessons (W)

Stacy’s @ Melrose Tini Tuesdays & Manicures (W)

3

TUESDAY Los Diablos Country Idol Prelim

Bunkhouse Karaoke (W)

The Rock Undie Night with Chris (W)

Maricopa Health Clinic Free STD Testing

25

Kobalt Martinis & Massage (W)

The Cash Country Idol Prelim

Karamba Mr. Karamba Vaquero

18

Scottsdale Ctr. for the Arts Pink Martini

Karamba Miss Phx Pride Prelim

Maricopa Health Clinic Free STD Testing

11

Karamba Salsa Nights (W)

The Rock Undie Night with Chris (W)

4

WEDNESDAY

I N PARTY CAM EVENTS • (W) WEEKLY EVENT

Paradise Valley CC Desperado LGBT Film Fest

29

Cruisin’ 7th Miss Cruisin’ 7th

Kobalt Naughty or Nice Bingo (W)

Karamba Adriana’s MLK Day Show

23

Charlie’s Pussy’s MLK Day Show

The Cash Karaoke with DJ Kat

22

Karamba Country Idol Prelim

16 MLK DAY

Crusin’ 7th TS Dancers (W)

BS West Miss Phx Pride Prelim

15

Cesar Chavz Softball Cmplx Free Angent Clinic

BS West Miss Scottsdale EOY

Bar 1 Beer Bust (W)

Kobalt Naughty or Nice Bingo (W)

The Cash Karaoke with DJ Kat

BS West Country Idol Prelim

Anvil Beards, Boxers ‘n’ Briefs (W)

2

MONDAY

The Rock Rock’n Bodies Review (W)

1

SUNDAY

Karamba Ruby’s 80’s Show

Anvil Country Idol Prelim

Cruisin’ 7th Comedy Night (W)

H20 - Tucson Fierce A$$ Fridays (W)

The Cash Live Music (W)

Paradise Valley CC Desperado LGBT Film Fest

27

Hotel Congress - Tucson Live Music (W)

The Cash Live Music (W)

Anvil Pups & Handlers Night

20

Karamba Banda La Tremenda

Charlie’s Black Out Party

Dick’s Cabaret Stripper Pole Olympics

13

Phoenix Tennis Center Cactus Tennis Drop-In (W)

6

FRIDAY

Anvil Dirty Daddy Dancers (W)

The Rock The Rock Rockstarzz Talent Contest(W) Lady Christian’s Trailer Trash Revue

26

Nearly Naked Theatre Threesome ION NIGHT

19

Mesa Arts Center Itzhak Pearlman

The Rock Rockstarzz Talent Contest (W)

12

Cruisin’ 7th Comedy Night (W)

Karamba Ruby’s Show (W)

The Rock Mr. Phx Leather Cigar Social

5

THURSDAY Embassy Suites Phx Mr. Phoenix Leather

The Bunkhouse Capricopia Variety Show

Anvil Phx Boys of Leather

Charlie’s Chinese New Year

Paradise Valley CC Desperado LGBT Film Fest

28

The Rock The Barbra Seville Show (W)

Kobalt Showtine Night (W)

Sports Club @ City Square Volleuball Open Play (W)

21

H20 - Tucson Slayyy Saturdays (W)

Karamba WMW Go Go Boys-palooza

14

FLEX Phoenix Mr. Phoenix Leather Afterparty

Charlie’s DJ Image’s Circus B-Day

7

SATURDAY

hydrat D R I N K

&

E V E N T

G U I D E

PHOENIX FRIDAY SATURDAY

Anvil

SUNDAY

DIRTY DADDY DANCERS 10pm HH $3 well/dom $2.50 pint 1-8pm

WILD MEN of the WEST 7:30pm HH $3 well/dom $2.50 pint 1-8pm

BEER BUST $3 Pitchers All Day HH $3 well/dom $2.50 pint 1-8pm

AMF Crandberry Vodka $3 Bud Light $2 9:30-11:30pm pint 1-8pm

Latin Music/go-Go Dancers $3 Great Drink Specials

KARAOKE 9-11pm & Drag Show

$2 Well/bud Light draft 10-4pm HH $2.50 Well, bottle & draft

$2 Well/bud Light draft 10-4pm HH $2.50 Well, bottle & draft

SHIRTLESS SUNDAYS $1.25 Bud Light Draft w/ shirt off

HH $3 Smirnoffs / Dom Bottle $4 Well/Wine/Beer + $2 Off Apps

Brunch Specials 10am-3pm $10 Bottles of Bubbly $4 Bloodies1-8pm

Brunch Specials 10am-3pm 1/2 OFF Cocktails 2-7pm

Elements Show 10pm $5 U-Call-It Drinks & Shots

2-4-1 All Day/All Night Go-Go Boys, Extended Patios VIP

Sunday Funday KARAOKE 10p $2 Miller - $3 Marys & Mimosas

2-4-1 Well / Dom 8am-2pm $2.50 Miller Products

2-4-1 Well / Dom 8am-2pm $2.50 Bud Products

$1 Miller Drafts JAZZ w/ Kenny Thames 7pm

The Cash

HH $3 Well & Dom 4-8pm $1 Drafts 8-10pm $5 Long Isl 10-cl

HH $3 Well & Dom 4-8pm DJ Delicious 8pm

HH $3 Well & Dom ALL DAY

Charlie’s

$3 Pitch/2-4-1 Well-Dom 2-7pm $1 Draft 10pm-Mid

2-4-1 Well/Dom Noon-7pm $3 Absolut/Barcardi Flavors 10-Mid

Super Happy Hour 4-7pm $3 Pitch / $3 Lng Island Open-Cl

Corduroy

HH 4-6pm & 10pm-Close $2 OFF med plates/beer/wine/well

HH 4-6pm & 10pm-Close $2 OFF med plates/beer/wine/well

HH 4-6pm & 10pm-Close $2 OFF med plates/beer/wine/well

HH $2.75 Well/Dom 6am-8pm Event Night 10:30pm

Dirty Daddy Dancers 4:30pm Lady Christian 10:30pm

HH $2.75 Well/Dom 6am-8pm TS Dancers 10:30pm

2-4-1 VIP Dances 7-9pm

Off the Hook Tons of Prizes & Giveaways

2-4-1 Cover, Wristbands & VIP Dances

HH 3:30-6:30pm & 11pm-Close $2 OFF Apps / Well / Wine / Beer

$4 Signature Brunch Drinks 10a-3p $15 Bucket of Dos Equis (5)

$4 Signature Brunch Drinks 10a-3p $4 House Wine/$10 OFF All Wine Btl

Vaquero Fridays 9-11pm Reverse Happy Hour $3 Drinks

Top 40 Saturdays 9-11pm Reverse Happy Hour $3 Drinks

Top 40 Sundays Diamond Show $3 Pitchers Beer Bust

HH Hot Spot 11am-10pm KARAOKE 9pm

Showtune Night 6-9pm KARAOKE 9pm

HH 10am-8pm Dart Tourney 2pm KARAOKE 9pm

HH TGIF Fridays 3pm-7pm

HH 12pm-Close $5 Dom Pitchers $7 LIT&AMF Pitchers

Brunch 10am-2pm HH 10a-7p-Close $4.50 Mimosas, $6 Bloody Bar $7LIT&AMF Pitchers

Oz Bar

$2 Well/Dom 6am-2pm $3 After KARAOKE 8pm-Close

$2 Well/Dom 6am-2pm $3 After KARAOKE 8pm-Close

$2 Well/Dom 6am-2pm $3 After KARAOKE 8pm-Close

Plazma

$3 Well & Dom Until 8pm $4 3 Olives & $3 Fireball Shots

HH 11am-6pm KARAOKE 9pm Barbra Seville Show 10pm

Beer Bust until 7p $3.50 Dom Pitch KARAOKE 8pm-Cl 2-4-1 $3 Shots

HH 2-4-1 Well & Dom 2-8pm KARAOKE 9pm

HH 10am-7pm $11 Lite/Coors Light Buckets

Showgirl Follies 17pm WMW Strippers 10pm

Stacy’s

HH 4-8pm Live DJ $2 Rolling Rock

HH 4-8pm Live DJ $2 Rolling Rock

Sunday Funday $3 Mimosas Live DJ $1 Rolling Rock & Cocktails

Switch

HH $4 Spec cocktails/well/beer/wine $4 Margarita Sunrises - All Day

HH $4 Spec cocktails/well/beer/wine $4 Pomegranate Gin Fizz - All Day

HH $4 Spec cocktails/well/beer/wine $4 Sweet Tea Vodka Lemon - All Day

Aqua Nightclub

Bar 1 Bliss/ReBar

BS West Bunkhouse

Cruisin’ 7th

Dick’s Cabaret FEZ

Karamba Kobalt

Los Diablos

The Rock

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Br

TUCSON FRIDAY SATURDAY

H2O Hotel Congress

HH Aquadec Rooftop Bar 6p-2a FEIRCE A$$ Fridays

HH Aquadec Rooftop Bar 6p-2a SLAYYY Saturdays

Live Music on the Patio Tom Walbank 7p DJ Dirtyverbs 10p

Free Dance Party 10pm DJs Sid the Kid, BOBFelix & More!

Br

Br

SUNDAY HH Aquadec Rooftop Bar 6p-2a

Br

Hot Club of Tucson 10:30pm Club KARAOKE 10pm

MONDAY

TUESDAY

Beards, boxers & Briefs $1 OFF HH $3 well/dom $2.50 pint 1-8pm

$2 TUESDAY 8pm-close HH $3 well/dom $2.50 pint 1-8pm

WEDNESDAY 2-4-1 WELL 8pm-close HH $3 well/dom $2.50 pint 1-8pm

THURSDAY KARAOKE 9pm HH $3 well/dom $2.50 pint 1-8pm Great Drink Specials

MONDAY BEER BUST $1 Bud Light Draft 4pm-close

KARAOKE 9pm $2.75 well, dom bottle & drft

$6 HUGE Long Island Ice Tea 7-cl HH 10am-7pm HH $2.50 Well, bottle & draft

2-4-1 U-Call-It 10am-2am

HH ALL DAY $3, $4, $5 Drinks $2 OFF Select Appetizers 1-8pm

$20 Any Wine Bottle & Cheese Board 1-8pm

20% OFF ENTIRE BILL (excludes discounted items) $4 Well/Wine/Beer + $2 Off Apps 1-8pm

$20 Any Wine Bottle & Cheese Board 1-8pm

Service Industry DJ Tsunami $2 Drafts, $3 Well, $4 Bomb.

Stars Choice Show 9pm w/ Kendra Katoure $5 3 Olives

2-4-1 All Day / All Night Go-Go Boys - A Valley Tradition VIP

The Men of BS 10pm $3 Drafts/$4 Barcardi/$5 Skyy Infused

2-4-1 Well / Dom 8am-2pm

2-4-1 Well / Dom 8am-2pm

2-4-1 Well / Dom 8am-2pm KARAOKE 9pm $3.25 Lg Isl

2-4-1 Well / Dom 8am-2pm Underwear Night WMW $1 Off

HH $3 Well & Dom ALL DAY

HH $3 Well & Dom 4-8pm Dance Lessons 7:30pm

HH $3 Well & Dom 4-8pm KARAOKE 2-4-1 Well 8pm

HH $3 Well & Dom ALL DAY 2-4-1 Well & Dom 10pm-close

Underwear Party 8pm-Cl Half off with your Pants Off $3 J.D.

2-4-1 Cocktail / Beer 8pm-Close

$3 Pitcher / $3 Absolut 8pm-Close

2-4-1 All Cocktails & Beer Open-Close

HH 4-6pm & 10pm-Close $2 OFF med plates/beer/wine/well

HH 4-6pm & 10pm-Close $2 OFF med plates/beer/wine/well

HH 4-6pm & 10pm-Close $2 OFF med plates/beer/wine/well

HH 4-6pm & 10pm-Close $2 OFF med plates/beer/wine/well

HH $2.75 Well/Dom 6am-8pm TS Dancers 10:30pm

HH $2.75 Well/Dom 6am-8pm

HH $2.75 Well/Dom 6am-8pm Wild Men of the West 10:30pm

HH $2.75 Well/Dom 6am-8pm Comedy Night 9pm

2-4-1 Cover, Wristbands & VIP Dances

Amateur Night Starts at 10pm

WTF Wednedays $5 Cover and almost everything else!

$5 Cover!

With coupon on our website

$4 Margaritas $6 Taco Platter

$4 Signature Martinis $7 Special Tini-of-the-Day

$4 Draft Beer $20 2 Draft + Any Kisra Pizza

$4 G-Spots / O-Spots / B-Spots $7 Spot Tinis

KARAOKE 9pm $3 Drinks / $3 Pitchers

Cumbia Night Savannah Show $3 Drinks / $3 Pitchers

Salsa Nights $3 Pitchers Karamba Girls Show

Urban Thursdays Ruby Show $3 Pitcher $3 Drinks

HH 11am-Close Drag Bingo 9:30pm

HH 11am-8pm KARAOKE 9pm

Martinis & Massages 5pm Drag Show 9pm

HH 11am-8pm KARAOKE 6-11pm

HH 3pm -Close

Taco & Tequila Tuesdays Margaritas, Sunrises & Patron Shots

HH 3pm-7pm KARAOKE 7pm-Cl All Drinks Buy 1 get 1 for $1 7-Cl

HH 3pm-7pm 2-4-1 Thursdays 7pm-Close

$2 Well/Dom 6am-2pm $3 After Poker 6pm & 8pm

$2 Well/Dom 6am-2pm $3 After Poker 6pm & 8pm

$2 Well/Dom 6am-2pm $3 After Poker 6pm & 8pm

$2 Well/Dom 6am-2pm $3 After KARAOKE 8pm-Close

HH 2-4-1 4-8pm $2 Well & $3 Domestic

HH 2-4-1 4-8pm $2 Well & $3 Domestic 9pm-Close

2-4-1 4-8pm Sinful Studs 9pm-Mid

HH 2-4-1 ALL DAY

HH 2-4-1 Well & Dom 2-8pm KARAOKE 9pm

HH 2-4-1 Well & Dom 2-8pm $3 Well & Domestic

HH 2-4-1 Well & Dom 2-8pm

HH 2-6pm Throwback Thursday 10pm

KARAOKE 9pm-Close HH All Day

HH All Day SONGO 6-9pm $3 Mojitos All Day

2-4-1 All Day Live DJ

Thirsty Thursday HH Live DJ $1 Well & Rolling Rock

HH $4 Spec cocktails/well/beer/wine $4 House Cab. or Chard. - All Day

HH $4 Spec cocktails/well/beer/wine $4 Vodka Italian Soda - All Day

HH $4 Spec cocktails/well/beer/wine $4 Sangrias - All Day

HH $4 Spec cocktails/well/beer/wine $4 Caiprininhas - All Day

MONDAY

TUESDAY

HH Aquadec Rooftop Bar 6p-2a

HH Aquadec Rooftop Bar 6p-2a

Br

90s House Party 10pm w/ DJ Sid the Kid 90¢ PBR Br

Taco & Tequi

Geeks Who Drink Trivia Night 8pm

Br

Br

Br

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

HH Aquadec Rooftop Bar 6p-2a

HH Aquadec 2-4-1 6pm-2am WET Thursdays

Live Music

Salvador Duran 7pm OPTI CLUB Dance Party 10pm

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PHOENIX Address

1. Anvil

Phone

2424 E. Thomas Rd.

(602) 334-1462

2. Aqua

1730 E McDowell Rd

3. Bar 1

3702 N. 16th St.

(602) 266-9001

4. Bliss/ReBar

901 N. 4th St.

(602) 795-1792

5. BS West

7125 E. 5th Ave., Scottsdale

(480) 945-9028

6. Bunkhouse

4428 N 7th Ave.

(602) 200-9154

7. The Cash

2140 E McDowell Rd

(602) 244-9943

8. Charlie’s

727 W. Camelback Rd.

(602) 265-0224

9. Cruisn’ 7th

3702 N. 7th St.

(602) 212-9888

10. Corduroy

2601 N. Central Ave.

(602) 374-7585

11. Dick’s Cabaret

3432 E. Illini Rd.

(602) 274-DICK

12. FEZ

105 W. Portland St

(602) 287-8700

13. Flex Spas Phoenix

1517 S. Black Canyon Hwy.

(602) 271-9011

14. Harley’s Bistro

4221 N 7th Ave, Phoenix

(602) 234-0333

15. Karamba

1724 E. McDowell Rd.

(602) 254-0231

16. Kobalt

3110 N Central Ave. Park Central

(602) 264-5307

17. Los Diablos

1028 E Indian School Rd

(602) 795-7881

19. NuTowne Saloon

5002 E Van Buren St

(602) 267-9959

20. OZ Bar

1804 W. Bethany Home Rd

(602) 242-5114

21. Plazma

1560 E Osborn Rd.

22. R Lounge

4301 N. 7th Ave.

23. The Rock

4129 N. 7th Ave.

(602) 253-0689

(602) 266-0477

x

24. Roscoe’s

4531 N. 7th St.

25. Stacy’s @ Melrose

4343 N 7th Ave.

(602) 265-3233 (602) 248-8559 x

26. Switch

2603 N. Central Ave.

27. Ticoz

5114 N. 7th St.

28. Twisted Peacock

(602) 285-0833

(602) 264-1700

x

(602) 264-2295 (602) 200-0160 x

3108 E. McDowell Rd.

(602) 267-8707

TUCSON Address

Phone

29. H2O

61 E. Congress St.

(520) 623-5400

30. Hotel Congress

311 E Congress St.

(520) 622-8848

x

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January 2017

Vol. 10, Issue 10

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

First Lady Trump’s Trampy Inaugural Ball OUTRAGEOUS! Gown Shocker!

WASHINGTON, D.C. - As Inauguration Day approaches the fashion world holds its breath to see the haute couture First Lady Melania Trump will wear at the many Inaugural Balls on January 20 celebrating her husband, shortfingered vulgarian, Donald Trump’s White House theft/ victory.

Frederick’s of Hollywood, a personal favorite from her past,” said, one informed confidante. “And, boy! Is it destined to make America stand up and salute!”

The multi-piece “gown” is constructed out of a bodyhugging charmeuse silk “pantie” and a cunning pink and black garter belt studded with satin Anonymous sources rosettes, supporting ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL report that Mrs. sheer, white Trump was not stockings. She’ll be offered the services displaying glittering of America’s top designers, like Zac Posen, Swarovski crystal studded breast petals, or Vera Wang, Donna Karan, Marc Jacobs, “pasties” on her national treasures. The outfit Michael Kors and other fashion giants is made in China. boycotting the Trump occupation of the White House.

A Smithsonian Institution insider who assists curating the collection of the First Ladies’ “Mrs. Trump picked an eye-popping Inaugural Gowns exhibit says, “This is ensemble from the exclusive designer, certainly a first.”

OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS!

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OUTRAGEOUS!

Senator Sanders Begins “I Told You So!” Book Tour OUTRAGEOUS!

BURLINGTON, Vt. – Senator Bernie Sanders (D-VT) began his “fringe campaign” for the office of President of the United States ANY RESEMBLANCE as a grass roots effort. In a hotly contested battle, the embattled rabble-rouser was bested by Secretary Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination.

OUTRAGEOUS! TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY

of exclusive statements.

“During the next four years the American people will look forward to shouldering the ACCIDENTAL results of greed from the oligarchy and the top one percent ... I told you so!” he ranted.

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

“Without significant steps, global warming and climate change will accelerate ... I told you so!” he continued.

Sen.RESEMBLANCE Sanders best seller, Our ANY TORevolution: THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL A Future to Believe In, spurred the “We will anticipate a rigged economy, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THEtour, TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL warhorse to embark on a promotional advanced racism and poverty here in called “The ‘I Told You So! Book Tour.”

Sanders will expand on his philosophy about where America is going under a Trump presidency and a GOP majority Congress.

America ... I told you so!” Sanders groused.

Sen. Sanders 464-page book is a New York Times bestseller retailing for $27 although it should be free to all Americans.

OUTRAGEOUS! Senator Sanders expanded on his book and ideas to ION Arizona in a series

Just remember ... He told you so.

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OUTRAGEOUS! Holiday Hatchimals Land in the Pound by New Year

OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS! ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

PHOENIX - “Mommy! Mommy! neglected, abandoned and unwanted Please? Can I have a Hatchimal? I want a Hatchimals.

Hatchimal!” was every child’s cry for the 2016 holiday season. Sure, they promise “Sure, ever since Thanksgiving that’s all to take care of it. To feed it. To give it I heard from my kid,” complained one exercise. To love it. What happens when parent. “I spent $500 on that thing. Now ANY RESEMBLANCE TOisn’t THE IS TRAGICALLY the Hatchimal grows up and cuteTRUTH she’s bored with it andACCIDENTAL ll it does is cry.” anymore?

ThatISHatchimal is now upACCIDENTAL for adoption at a ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH TRAGICALLY No-Kill Toy Shelter.

The hottest toy for Christmas regularly retails for about $80, but demand for “We’ve had one abandoned 10-year-old the critter created inflated prices up to Tickle Me Elmo here for three years now,” $2,500 on eBay, Craig’s List and Amazon said one anonymous shelter employee.

Marketplace.

“We also have cratefuls of loving Beanie Babies and Furbies up for adoption to a New Year’s Day found shelters across caring home.”

Arizona and the nation swollen with

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

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January 2017 WWW.IONAZ.COM 93

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In honor of Baby New Year, this column is all about babies and a nod to investing in and wearing rubbers—no matter what the latest trend in bareback porn leads you to believe!

... and your boyfriend’s revenge is a dish best served cold!

Dear Miss Tiger, Me and André made love three times a day. He said condoms were too expensive so we stopped using them. Now I’m pregnant. He won’t even help pay for my prenatal vitamins. He says I’m asking for too much.

Help!

— Brooke

Dear Miss Tiger, I’m bisexual and taking a break from guys. I met a chick who I really like. It’s been a minute since dating females so I’m new as to whether or not I should use Dear Swallow A Dose of Reality When a condom since she’s on the pill.

Swallowing The Pills He Ain’t Paying — Shane For, Dear My Advice Is Go Back To The Gurl, looks like you got a raw deal in AND Dick, out of the bedroom ... NEXT! And if you don’t ... you’ll be doing Dear Miss Tiger, diapers and not the Palm Springs I’ve been having sex with a girl who White Party! claimed she was a post-operative trans Dear Miss Tiger, woman. That meant she couldn’t get All the bitches were after my ex- but I pregnant, so I didn’t use condoms. She won. We didn’t use rubbers. Now I’m lied about her gender and is now carrying pregnant and on my own. my baby. Do you have any advice on what — Cassie in Fountain Hills I should do?

— Duane Dear Finders Keepers, What exactly did you win? Stretch Dear This Situation Is Too Damn Messy marks and a trip to the welfare office Even For This Column, don’t sound like much of a prize!

And on that note .... ‘Bye Felicia and Dear Miss Tiger, hello, Babies “R” Us! I slept around on my boyfriend. I missed Need advice? Write or tweet me and my period last month and took an EPT. I’m pregnant! He forgave me for cheating get the answers you’ve been looking for, Hunty! on him but now he’s demanding a DNA test when the baby is born. He knows I used condoms with all those other dudes.

MISS TIGER Should I have to take the test?

Advice Columnist • SiriusXM radio — Melissa personality ... and everyone’s Dear Diary, This is exactly what grandmommy meant when she said, “Too many cooks in the kitchen spoil the broth!” Looks like your “kitchen” done had too many up in it

#FAVORITEBITCH

Website FavoriteBitch.com Facebook /MissTiger Advice ask@misstiger.com January 2017 WWW.IONAZ.COM 95

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by Addison DeWitt

T

he Holidays are “behind” us, you could say. And here’s proof! Dear old Santa Claus himself showed up at The Anvil to see which boys were naughty and naughtier. One beefy boy was paddled soundly, enjoying every “Whack!

Whack! Whack!” from Santa. (A) December was filled with one exciting party after another that I wasn’t invited to. Oh, yes. I saw all the pictures on Facebook of you enjoying yourselves at parties, housewarmings and open house shindigs. My invitation went conspicuously missing. And I noticed.

You bet I did.

B

C

However, I was actually invited to the GPGLCC Festival of Trees and the annual Red Brunch where I rubbed elbows at both locales with Those Fabulous Hewitts, Chris and Stephanie. (B) Why? Because they really like me!

Before 2016 bowed out, it wasn’t without giving the world one final “Screw you, suckers!”

America was heartbroken to lose everybody’s favorite TV mom, Florence Henderson, a.k.a. “Carol Brady” (C) who favored the lesbian-esque mullet. We were suckerpunched when A the Grim Reaper snatched Carrie Fisher and her Star Wars bagel-’do. (D) We loved her dyke-y, pool hall, barmaid attitude. We sobbed when ancient, onelegged Hungarian glamourpuss Zsa Zsa Gabor finally said, “Goodbye, dahlinks!” (E) Then we were hit with a final WHAM! sandwich after the Dark E Angel stole sexy pants George Michael. (F) We’re keeping a D guarded 24-hour watch on our own precious, 20th century Georgie-Porgie look-a-like Clayton McKee (G) to make sure he’s safe and G sound.

Everything crappy about F 2016 was redeemed when delish Amir Rivera (H) kissed me on Christmas Eve in front of a Circle K ... right on the lips, baby! I can still taste his Ch-Ch-ChCherry Bomb lip gloss.

That’s a sign. 2017 is H gonna be good.

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he Sun moves through Capricorn until January 20 and that means you need to set goals, review structures and plans. It’s boring, but it has to be done. You’ll piss off a few Aries, Cancers and Libras along the way. Whatever. Mars conjunction with Neptune on January 1 means you’ll either attract or scare people away. The stars highlight New Year’s Resolutions that need your attention for 2017. Keep them or break them.

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20 Resolution: Open up your wallet. Clear out the cobwebs and dust, Ebenezer. You’ll find that if you spread a little cash–on others, not just yourself–you’ll get better results in the future when you ask for them.

Taurus April. 21 - May 20 Resolution: Compromise. We know you’re stubborn. Honey, everybody knows you’re stubborn. You think “Might makes right.”

Just stop it. Right now. Make this a Sesame Street moment and give in a little. Isn’t that a good feeling?

Gemini May 21 - June 21 Resolution: Fearlessness. Your pluck and grit gets you in of a bit of hot water this year more than once. Take time to circle the wagons and stand your ground, pilgrim.

In the end, you’re courage makes you the victor.

Cancer June 22 - July 22 Resolution: Share. Usually you get the biggest piece of pie on the plate. Look around. Do you hear someone else’s spiritual or intellectual stomach growling?

Offer them a helping of your own determination.

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22 Resolution: Family Matters. Someone’s kicking up some dust at home. Something is at stake. Are there family jewels? Or is this a matter of pride and principle? A pow-wow should solve things.

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Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22 Resolution: Abstinence. Why? Because you’re a Virgo, silly. (Get it?) This can take on different forms. If you’re whoring around, keep your dress on. Overeating? Put your fork down. Too much TV? Turn it off. Get to know the real “you.”

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22 Resolution: Patience. Don’t try to hurry things up too much. You’ve go 365 days to get everything done. And trust me, it’ll get done. It always does with you around. Sit down. Relax. You’re driving us crazy.

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23 Resolution: Confidence. I know it sounds weird, telling you to pay attention in this arena. Usually you have spunk to spare.

This year you question yourself. Only once or twice. But that’s a lot for you.

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23 Resolution: Housekeeping. It’s a new year.

Out with the old! That means you better break out the sponge and Ajax because you’ve gotta get all “Mommie Dearest” and start scrubbing. The results are worth it.

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20 Resolution: Exercise. Don’t “jump to conclusions.” This comes in different forms.

It might be yoga, it might be intellectually.

(Would it kill you to pick up a book?)

Birthday celebrations bring a mystery visitor from far away.

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 Resolution: Priorities. I know, I know.

Facebook and Instagram are such a big deal to you. But really: you need to make some important decisions. A birthday means you’ll get a special surprise. It’s a shocker!

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20 Resolution: Take a back seat. It’s not all about “you” this year. I know, I know. It’s a little shocking. Well, to you, anyway. Learn to share the spotlight with others. You’ll gain a wider audience.