ION Arizona #186

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BIG GAY SING -A-LONG

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FILM BAR

SEE MORE GREAT PICTURES AT IONAZ.COM

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BACON COOK OFF

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KO BA LT

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UNDERWEAR NIGHT

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BUNKHOUSE

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830 N. 1st Ave., Unit 203 Phoenix, AZ 85003 (602) 308-4662 www.IONAZ.com ionarizona@me.com PUBLISHER / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero ............................................ jacktesorero@me.com

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ..................................................... kbushaw@me.com EDITOR Deon Brown ................................................... ionazeditor@me.com COPY EDITOR .......................................................... Austin Head GRAPHIC DESIGNER ......................................... Angel Jimenez PRODUCTION & ARTWORK SUBMISSIONS

ionazproduction@me.com

ADVERTISING SALES Jack Tesorero ............................................................ (602) 750-1164

jacktesorero@me.com

PHOTOGRAPHERS:

Fernando Hernandez Franklin Diaz Scotty Kirby Alex Campos Sam DeLeon NATIONAL ADVERTISING REPRESENTATIVE Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 CONTRIBUTORS:

Addison DeWitt C. Edwards Ted Kirby Keenan Daly

Peter Lora Paul Sanchez Miss Tiger Frederick Hill

Published monthly by

1995-2016: 21 Years of Design and Creative Excellence © 2016 JMT Designs, Inc.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.

NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company.

Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

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It’s a Wonderful Life I

love the holidays!

Not because of all the gluttony and greed, but it’s also time to reflect on another year past.

The good and the bad.

The fabulous and, honestly, the not-sofabulous parts.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

In 2016, we had some great times together. From the massive Phoenix Pride Festival including the ION VIP Experience, Ignition Phoenix Auto Shows, Splash Bash Weekend with the Sexiest Bartender Contest, AIDS Walk in Tucson and Phoenix, Rainbows Festival Street Fair and more. To close out the year, don’t miss the Greater Phoenix Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce’s Festival of Trees on December 3 and Aunt Rita’s Annual Red Brunch on December 10.

Bridge over Troubled Waters

In 2016, we lost a lot. The Phoenix Pride LGBT Center closed (again) plus Rainbow Cactus, to name a couple.

We lost too many of our own friends and family members this year, and who can forget the 49 souls we lost at the Pulse Nightclub in Orlando, Florida?

Their memories will live forever. While many of us didn’t get who we wanted for President (sorry Marc Chatow), we did make some huge gains in the last eight years that won’t be undone (hopefully). We must move on and unite 24

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as a community. Support each other, our friends and family, businesses that support us and attend all the great events that your community hosts. As a great person once said, “it takes a village” ... not a village idiot.

Miracle on 1st Ave

As we celebrate our first year at our workshop on 1st Avenue in the Roosevelt Hipster District, I can’t help but be grateful for the elves that work hard all year so we can deliver a present to you every month. From Word Czar Deon Brown, Creative Guru Kevin Bushaw, to the brilliant photo stylists Scotty Kirby, Franklin Diaz, Fernando Hernandez and Alex Campos. And every month, the ION presents are delivered by none other than the fast and nimble Ted Kirby and Paul Sanchez. So many more elves to thank, including design wizard Angel Jimenez, the music aficionado Peter Lora, and wordsmith Austin Head, cartoonist C. Edwards, the always helpful Miss Tiger, and last but not least, the busybody neighbor, Addison “Mrs. Kravitz” Dewitt. Thank you all for bringing this little miracle every month to this village.

From all of us elves at ION Arizona, thank you for opening and enjoying your monthly present. With your support of our business partners, we will continue to deliver the most fun, informative and sexy magazine on the planet. Happy Holidays to all and to all a good night!

Jack Tesorero

Chief Elf

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A Great Headline Goes in the Space

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WNightmare hite Ball Scorpius Dance Theatre Invokes a New Holiday Spirit

by Deon photos

by Brown Rose Torres 28

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S

ome people are dreaming of a White Christmas this holiday season. Others are dreaming of a white nightmare, and if that includes you, then all the more reason to get primped and proper. On December 16, Black Kat Productions along with Scorpius Dance Theatre takes over The Grand Ballroom in downtown Phoenix to unleash a tempest of art and performance creating a rapturous atmosphere for the yuletide season.

The White Nightmare is conjured up by Black Kat Productions and Scorpius Dance Theatre, the dance company who brings the annual A Vampire’s Tale to life every Halloween. This spectacle showcases their signature sophisticated yet edgy choreography within an ethereal, aerial showcase in the middle of the darkest stars.

Flames will be ignited by the magical hand of Zenn Burden. Maxi Millions embodies seduction and mirth as the burlesque entertainment for the night.

Dahli Delia is the mind-blowing gender bender. MC O Von Ordovich provides vaudeville lunacy, guiding you through the night with music, drama, and shade of the party while Scarlett Elizabeth Xander displays her sideshow talents for the wonderment of one and all.

Dancer Jacob Meyer enthuses, “The White Nightmare Ball is unquestionably a do-not-miss, avant-garde holiday event.

I’ve never been a big fan of the traditional Frosty the Snowman holiday affair, so getting to be a part of this is, both, a joy and privilege.

It’s definitely a nightmare you won’t want to wake up from.”

Guests are encouraged to dress in white to complement the winter discord and compete for the crown of the “Best Dressed” contest. DJs Kevin Brown, Self.Destrukt, and Defense Mekanizm are spinning dark and wanton carols all through the night to the witching hour, against the good will and Christmas cheer of the masses. Dance, writhe, crawl, haunt, creep—it’s all the same in the shroud of The White Nightmare.

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Nicola. “I’m excited to bring this style of event to Phoenix, combining DJs and visuals with theater, dance, aerial arts, fire, burlesque and drag with a fancy dress theme.”

Laugh, scream, and dance deep into the heart of The White Nightmare.

December 16, 9 p.m. at The Grand Ballroom, Club Palazzo, 710 N. Central Ave. For tickets go to ScorpiusDance.com/ Events. Cost: $22-$42 VIPs enjoy private performances and fine wining and dining an hour before the nightmare descends.

Act fast. The VIP tickets are limited and will sell out.

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Holidays at The Cash

Cozy up with your friends at The Cash Nightclub & Lounge. They’re having contests, an 80s Prom, live music with The Pubes, Christmas Carol Karaoke and much more!

Don’t miss Kiki Andrews’ “Sugar House Cash Queens every Thursday night! 2140 E. McDowell Rd. For a full list of events see their ads on p.12

Red Brunch

Remember World AIDS Day and celebrate our local HIV service organizations and heroes at a very special brunch where 15 panels of the AIDS Memorial Quilt will be on display. Saturday, December 10 at Sheraton Downtown, Phoenix. Get your tickets at RedBrunch.org

Phoenix Metropolitan Men’s Chorus

“Home for the Holidays” For the holidays you can’t beat home sweet home! The PMMC kindles the holiday spirit with a host of your favorite tunes. Celebrate the season with them Fri. Dec. 16 at 8 p.m., Sat. Dec. 17 at 7 p.m. and Sun. Dec. 18 at 2 p.m. at the John Paul Theatre at Phoenix College, 1202 W. Thomas Rd. in Phoenix. For tickets visit PhoenixMensChorus.org

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WOOF! Sunday Funday at bliss-rebar

Bring your canine friends in for a day of fun in the sun!

Tito’s Handmade Vodka for Dog People is planning a great day for you and Fido with giveaways, raffles, dog treats, drink specials with a portion of the sales go to the Joshua Tree Pet Assistance Program. Sunday, December 18, 2-5 p.m. at bliss-rebar, 901N. 4th St. in Phoenix. See ad on p. 37

H2O Grand Opening New Year’s Eve!

Bid farewell to 2016 and greet 2017 with your friends at Tucson’s new club, H2O Discotec & Aquadec is coming! Experience the hot, new, three-story club in the heart of downtown Tucson. It’s flamboyant, outrageous and eccentric! New Year’s Eve is their grand opening, so get ready to pucker up and get ready to kiss someone at midnight! 61 E. Congress St. H2OTucson.com For table and bottle reservations call 520-623-5400 See ad p. 99

DECEMBER 2016 ION EVENTS DATE

EVENT

COMPANY

Daily Suns 1-23 3-25 7 10 10 12 16-17 16 16 17 16 18 19 23 24 31

Texas Hold ‘em Poker Bingo Holidays at The Cash 23 Days of Christmas Black Party Red Brunch Nasty Santa Photo OppThe Anvil Logan’s Playground Toy Wrap VIP Card Weekend Customer Appreciation Soirée AZ Pups & Handlers High Heels & Harnesses Blue Comedy Show WOOF! Sunday Funday Bartender Christmas Bartender Swap Merry XXXmas Bash Christmas Eve Party Grand Opening

OZ Bar OZ Bar The Cash Charlie’s Karamba Sheraton Downtown Phoenix Bunk House Dick’s Cabaret Los Diablos The Anvil The Anvil Cruisin’ 7th bliss REBAR Charlie’s/Bunkhouse Dick’s Cabaret Karamba H2O

1 1 1

Adventures in Hangovers Football & Brunch Morning Pajama Party

Kobalt Los Diablos OZ Bar

JANUARY 2017

PHONE

Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix p. 26

Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phx Phoenix Phoenix Tucson Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix

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Farewell Diamond Dallas After 12 years in the entertainment world at Karamba, the talented and adored Diamond Dallas says, “Adios” to the world of show business to pursue some of her many other talents. Join everyone at Karamba to celebrate (and shed a few tears) on Sunday, December 18 at Karamba, 1724 E. McDowell Rd. in Phoenix as we say, “Vaya con Díos.” See ad on p. 10

DECEMBER 2016 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE

TIME

LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S)

12/2

9:00pm

Live on Central

#KIRBYGIRLS

12/7

Charlie’s

Miss Charlie’s Pride Pageant

12/11

Charlie’s

Pussy LeHoot’s Christmas Show

12/16

Los Diablos

Afeelya Bunx Ugly Sweater Party

12/21

Karamba

Savannah Moves to Wednesday

12/25

Karamba

12/ 30

8:00pm

10:00pm The Rock

Adriana moves to Sunday -- Christmas Show Lady Christians Trailer Trash Revue

Mondays

10:00pm Charlie’s

Claudia B Hosts The Strip Factor

Tuesday

10:00pm Karamba

Savannah Moussier’s Show

Tuesdays

9:00pm

Wednesdays 9:00pm

BS West

Stars Choice Talent Showcase

Kobalt

Garden Variety Revue with Olivia Gardens

Wednesdays 10:30pm Karamba

Karamba Girls - Adriana Galiano & Karime Lizaldi

Wednesdays 10:00pm Charlie’s

Nevaeh’s High Heels & Halos

1st & 3rd Thurs 9pm

Cruisin’ 7th

Camping Out with the Southern Belles

Thursdays

10:30pm Karamba

Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds

Thursdays

10:00pm Charlie’s

Coco St. James’ Neon Party

Thursdays

The Cash

2nd & 4th Fri 10:30pn

Cruisin’ 7th

Nikki at Night with Nikki Knowles

Fridays

The Rock

Special Event Rotating Drag Shows

10:30

Sugar House with Kiki Andrews

Fridays

9:00pm

Plazma

Freaky Fridays with Celia Putty

Fridays

9:00pm

BS West

Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers

2nd Saturday 9:30pm Saturdays

Kobalt

Celia Putty

10:30pm Cruisin’ 7th

Lady Christian’s Lady & the Tramps The Barbra Seville Show

Saturdays

10:00pm The Rock

Saturdays

9:30pm

Charlie’s

Pussy’s Patio Show

1st Sunday

2:00pm

Cruisin’ 7th

Excuse Our Beauty Revue

Sundays

11:00am

Los Diablos

Show Tunes Sunday

Sundays

8:30pm

Charlie’s

Pussy LeHoot & Friends

BS West

Sundays

7:00pm

Sundays

10:30pm Karamba

Diamond’s Show

3rd Sunday

2:00pm

The Morning After with Trixxie Deluxxe

Cruisin’ 7th

The Showgirl Follies Big Sexy Show

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Black Nativity

Don’t miss this always sold out event by Harlem Renaissance poet Langston Hughes in a production told through gospel, blues, funk, jazz, dance and drama chronicling the birth of Jesus Christ and delivering his powerful message of joy, hope, victory and liberation. December 2-18, 1333 E. Washington St. in Phoenix. For tickets visit BlackTheatreTroupe.org or call 602-258-8219

Anything You Hear & Only Half of What You See

This original black comedy is a dark thriller. Mailman George Ruth witnesses a murder and thinks it’s a drug deal gone bad. Boy, is he wrong. Combine Quentin Tarantino with David Mamet for an idea of what to expect. This comes from Stray Cat Theatre, Tempe Center for the Arts, 700 W. Rio Salado Pkwy. Nov. 25Dec. 10. Go to StrayCatTheatre.org or call 480-277-1766 for tickets.

A Bloody Mary Christmas

Space55’s holiday musical for people who hate holiday musicals!

Sun City retirees sing, dance and drink themselves blind as they battle a heartless HOA that tries to evict them from their condo on Christmas Eve. Through December 30. Visit Space55.org for specific nights & showtimes.

DECEMBER 2016 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE

1-3 1-24 2-18 3-31 thru 4 6-11 8-11 9-10 9-18 thru 10 16-18 thru 24 thru 28 thru 30

EVENT

Jeff Ross A Christmas Carol Black Nativity Fiddler on the Roof An Act of God Mamma Mia! Jamie Kennedy Bob Saget Give Me Christmas!

Anything You Hear ...

Midwinter Night’s Dream Twist Your Dickens A Christmas Story A Bloody Mary Christmas

COMPANY

PHONE

StandUp Live - Phx 480-719-6100 Hale Centre Theatre - Gilbert 480-497-1181 Black Theatre Troupe - Phx 602-258-8129 AZ Theatre Co. - Tucson 480-622-2823 AZ Theatre Co. - Phx 602-256-6995 ASU Gammage - Tempe 480-965-3434 Tempe Improv 480-921-9877 StandUp Live - Phx 480-719-6100 iTheatre Collaborative - Phx 602-258-9481 Stray Cat Theatre - Phx 480-277-1766 SW Shakespeare Co. - Mesa 480-644-6500 Phoenix Theatre 602-254-2151 AZ B’wy Theatre 623-776-8400 Space55 - Phx Space55.org December 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 41

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Christmas with Clay Aiken

Claymates rejoice! Celebrate the holidays with the talented, overly-botoxed Clay Aiken. This American Idol alum with the golden voice carols for you on Friday, December 16 at the Chandler Center for the Arts, 250 N. Arizona Ave. Great gift idea for your grandma! For tickets go to TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000, or the box office at 480-782-2680

Mannheim Steamroller Christmas

It’s impossible not to get caught up in the spirit of the holidays when you hear the thundering orchestration of Mannheim Steamroller. For over 30 years they’ve been part of the holiday landscape. They bring their music and dazzling stage show to the Valley on Tuesday, December 27 at ASU Gammage, 1200 S. Forest Ave. Tempe. Tickets: Call 480-965-3434 or visit ASUgammage.com or go to TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000

Snoop Dogg

Shizzle yo’ nizzle, because the Doggfather of Rap is coming to town! Believe it or not, he’s been nominated for a Grammy 17 times and never won. He gets krunk with Bone Thugs n Harmony on Thursday, December 29 at the Comerica Theatre, 401 W. Washington St. in Phoenix. For tickets go to LiveNation.com or visit TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000

DECEMBER 2016 ION CONCERT CALENDAR DATE ARTIST LOCATION PHONE 3 Alice Cooper’s Xmas Pudding Celebrity Theatre 602-267-1600 3-4 Henry Rollins Crescent Ballroom - Phx 877-435-9849 7 Dwight Yoakam Fox Theatre - Tucson 520-547-3040 9 Franki Valli & Four Seasons Celebrity Theatre - Phx 602-267-1600 9 Goo Goo Dolls Desert Diamond Casino - Sahuarita 520-297-7777 10 Charlie Daniels Band Wild Horse Pass Casino - Chandler 877-840-0457 14 Dave Koz Mesa Arts Center - Mesa 480-644-6500 15 Brian Setzer Orchestra Celebrity Theatre - Phoenix 602-267-1600 15 Dave Koz Fox Theatre - Tucson 520-547-3040 16 Christmas with Clay Aiken Chandler Ctr for the Arts 800-745-3000 18 Hot Sardines Mesa Arts Center 480-644-6500 26 Trans-Siberian Orchestra Gila River Arena - Glendale 800-745-3000 27 Mannheim Steamroller Christmas ASU Gammage - Tempe 800-745-3000 29 Snoop Dogg, Bone Thugs Comerica Theatre - Phoenix 800-745-3000 December 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 43

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Oscar Fever Finals T

he year closes with two insightful pictures tempting two more talented female actors with an Academy Award. Can they beat Streep’s Florence Foster Jenkins?

Jackie

Starring: Natalie Portman, Greta Gerwig, Peter Sarsgaard, Billy Crudup In a world that’s growing increasingly further away from the events surrounding November 23, 1963, look for this dark, moody picture to bring back the very real nightmare of President John F. Kennedy’s assassination.

Stylish, grieving, (and understandably slightly unhinged) First Lady Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy (Portman, Black Swan) recounts her days in the White House, her husband’s horrifying murder and the ensuing hysteria to journalist (Crudup, Big Fish) in this hypnotic psychodrama. (“There should be more horses! More soldiers! More crying!

More cameras!”)

20th Century Women

Starring: Annette Bening, Greta Gerwig, Elle Fanning, Billy Crudup “Wondering if you’re happy is just a shortcut to being depressed,” philosophizes Dorothea Fields (Bening, The Kids Are Alright), a single-mother determined to raise her teenage son, Jamie (newcomer Lucas Jade Zumann), in an tumultuous era of change and rebellion with a spookily prescient President Jimmy Carter at the helm of the nation predicting a crisis of doubt about the meaning of our lives, a loss of unity for our nation and a longing for meaning.

It takes a village in 1979 Santa Barbara: Dorothea recruits two younger women to help her with the daunting task of parenting. Provocative teenage neighbor, Julie (Fanning, Maleficent) and freespirited artist Abbie (Gerwig, here along with Crudup; both, coincidentally, make appearances in this month’s frontrunner juggernaut Jackie) lend their influence.

Critics are speculating NatPort’s shattering performance might bring her Oscar Number Two.

This comedy-drama was written and directed by filmmaker Mike Mills, whose 2010 Beginners about a man coping with his father’s terminal cancer and late in life coming out garnered a “Best Supporting Actor” Oscar for Christopher Plummer. Chances are high that Bening might bring home a shiny golden paperweight for this role.

Opens December 6

Opens December 25

“People like to believe in fairy tales,” Jackie breathily remembers aloud about her idyllic Washington days in an administration dubbed “Camelot.”

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Aural Fixation

by Peter Lora pintelonegro@gmail.com

Alicia Keys

HERE

“I’m Nina Simone,” Alicia proclaims on the aptly named opening interlude to HERE, “The Beginning.” It’s a fair comparison; both women began as classically trained pianists only to enter the world of popular music with love songs and ballads. Like Simone, Keys has taken to addressing the current state of the world with politically conscious art and a stance against traditional beauty standards for women. Gone are Keys’ braids and eyelashes from her debut, replaced with natural, makeup-free beauty, Badu-esque head-wraps and determinedly unsexy garb. It might’ve been our current politics, or even the Netflix produced documentary on Simone that spurred on Keys’ political awakening, but with HERE she seems to be weighing in on the dialogue that Beyoncé, Solange and other contemporaries are but a part of.

With HERE, Keys sings her songs as characters. On “Illusion of Bliss” she’s a 29-year-old addict, on “Kill Your Mama,” she’s the collective voice of climate change activists. In fact, on HERE, Keys is barely there, devoting only three songs to her own perspective.

The shuffle “Work on It” addresses her relationship with producer Swizz Beatz and the bubbly “Girl Can’t Be Herself” is her thesis about leaving makeup behind. A lot of Keys’ hip-hop meets classical piano amalgamations feel awkward, but she creates a perfect balance with “She Don’t Really Care_1 Luv,” a subtle and more sophisticated “Jenny From the Block.” “In Common” is undeniably the best song from this Keys incarnation, but only available on

the deluxe version of the album—a mistake.

HERE is not Keys’ best but it shows that she’s willing to throw caution to the wind and experiment, a right she’s earned by already providing us with songs like “Fallin’” and “If I ain’t got you.”

Available Now

Pentatonix A

Pentatonix Christmas

A follow-up to their two previous Christmas albums, Pentatonix is back with A Pentatonix Christmas. If you aren’t familiar with the talented real-life “Pitch Perfect” a cappella quintet, in just five years Pentatonix sold more than 3.5 million albums in the U.S., won two Grammy Awards and performed for hundreds of thousands of fans at their sold-out shows across the globe.

Debuting at Number 3 on The Billboard Top 200 Chart, A Pentatonix Christmas takes on a slew of classics like “O Come All Ye Faithful,” and “I’ll be Home for Christmas” but most notable is their touching cover of the late Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” at the center of this collage of aca-awesome Holiday favorites. Catch A Pentatonix Christmas on December 14 on NBC. Available Now

THE DL SONGS TO DOWNLOAD ARTIST - “SONG”

The Weeknd - “I Feel it Coming” feat. Daft Punk SIA - “Satisfied” feat. Queen Latifah, Miguel Hudson Mohawke - “Play N Go” David Guetta - “Would I Lie To You” Cash Cash remix Giorgio Moroder - “Good For Me” feat. Karen Harding Tinashe - “Sunburn” The Raveonettes - “Choke on Love” Röyksopp - “Need U” Miranda Lambert - “We Should Be Friends” Childish Gambino - “Redbone” December 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 47

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ionazeditor@me.com

A

Silverlake Gays

lot of indie gay movies or web series takes place in Los Angeles’s trendy Silverlake neighborhood. (WeHo is so démodé. Please.)

These movies are no exception. California, here we come!

Available now (but why?) on DVD, VOD, iTunes, Vimeo on Demand, WolfOnDemand.com, WolfeVideo.com Amazon.com

Lazy Eye

Starring: Lucas Near-Verbrugghe, Aaron Costa Ganis

Shared Rooms

Starring: Struggling actors Evidently everyone knows everybody in Silverlake. In this Desperate Gay Housewives-like neighborhood they sure do.

In this so-called “romantic holiday comedy,” Shared Rooms feels like it’s trying so hard to pull off one of those French farces where there’s this big, convoluted plot with a grand “dénoument,” (literally an “unknotting”) at the end, everything falling into place, much to everyone’s delight. Except for the viewers, in this case.

Here on an ersatz Wisteria Lane there are three couples with various crises challenging their lives while an upcoming New Year’s Eve party (spoiler alert!) brings everyone together.

Surprise! Married couple Cal and Laslo unexpectedly inherit Cal’s disowned queer nephew. Lonelyhearts Sid and Gray have an online hookup that gets hyper-intellectual (sucking all the fun out of an online hookup as far as I’m concerned.) Dorky Dylan and his trampybut-hot roommate Julian discover—yep— they’re in love with each other.

Unevenly scripted, acted, and directed, it’s enough to scare you away from Silverlake and go back to WeHo. ★☆☆☆☆

were him.)

Dean (Near-Verbrugghe) is a successful graphic designer living in—yep.

Silverlake—but he’s smart enough to hightail it away to his remote getaway in Joshua Tree (probably because of the idiot neighbors in Shared Rooms. I would, too, if I

Out of the blue, he gets an email from Alex (Costa Ganis), “The Man That Got Away”—a long lost lover who broke his heart 15 years earlier. While Dean adjusts to a recent diagnosis of amblyopia (“lazy eye”) in the desert and after much trepidation, he invites Alex to visit, reigniting the passion of the past.

During the weekend of splendor in the sand, confessions, revelations and discoveries happen, distorting and clarifying how the pair sees the past, present and future.

This beautifully written two-man show offers nuanced, tender performances, and sensitive direction without being maudlin or over-sentimental. Lazy Eye will leave you misty-eyed if you’ve ever really suffered from a truly broken heart. Or lived in Silverlake. ★★★★☆

Available now on DVD, iTunes, Google Play, Amazon Instant Video, Amazon.com December 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 49

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MATCH is Ablaze I

like playing with matches. I do. It can be a little dangerous, sure. When you see that first spark, it’s a real rush. So the pyromaniac in me came to life when the latest boutique hotel, FOUND:RE opened on Central Avenue where a couple of ill-fated hotels had once stood long ago. After a massive overhaul and rotating art curated by Mike Oleskow, the place is a real “hot spot.”

adorable server, Kansas-bred Jordan.

Lunch fare is light and there’s not much confusion (that’s a compliment) with a worldly sampling of comestibles inspired

by Thailand, Greece, the American South, Italy and Maine. This United Nations kind of menu is often disastrous. Here, it all works quite nicely.

The Lamb Gyro includes a combination of brightly seasoned lamb and beef that’s prepared inhouse (something I’ve never had in Phoenix) with viands from the Cochise Cattle Company. It’s tucked inside with crispy greens, tomato, peppercorn feta and tzatziki in a pita from The Noble Bread Co. Loved the meat, but wished for an onion’s extra zip. For $10 you can’t go wrong.

MATCH is the hotel’s hip, casual dining room.

Many hotels’ restaurants sputter and fizzle out.

Most need to be doused. MATCH is different. Chef Akos Szabo’s menu is seasonal and farm-totable fresh with ingredients from 76 local vendors. The menu has a selfproclaimed “global point of view.” A lot of times that can mean, “We don’t have any focus.” Not true here. A couple of adjustments here and there may need to happen, it’s sure to catch fire.

The “Bluto” serves up the a delectable, spicy, Southern-style fried chicken breast. The chick is liberally doused with the locally made Homeboy’s Caribbean Hot Sauce, a dab of bleu cheese giving it a Buffalo flair, nesting in an onion roll. Packed with flavor and so tender, you should order two, just because it’s that good and only $9.

A warm autumn day gave us a chance to check MATCH out, barely two weeks after opening October 26. Surprisingly, there were no serious glitches or kinks this early in the game. It’s airy and spacious, opening out to the patio on Central and Portland Park. The warm, friendly staff includes the engaging,

Less impressive is the Banh Mi sandwich.

The roasted pork loin is tasty, but the barely noticeable terrine, liver pâté, pickled carrot salad and lime vinaigrette failed to give us a fire down below. (House of Tricks in Tempe has the best Banh Mi in town; it’s our yardstick by which all others are judged.) We dressed it up with the December 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 53

juicy Green Papaya Salad for $10.

Five pizzas made in their wood-fired oven held their own, with meat or vegetarian styles to choose from. $10 each.

We can’t impress highly enough: “Do Not Miss” the side of Housemade Marscapone Gnocchi, $6. These light, airy pillows are served in a brown butter “sauce,” or enveloped with Arizona Cheddar cheese (our own fave.) Don’t share.

A mainland winner is the Lobster Bisque. You’ll be surprised: it’s not the pink, creamy style you’re used to. With wood-fired oven roasted mushroom’s it’s earthier, offering a dusky version and chunks of the crustacean with dabs of marscapone gnocchi, making it almost more of a chowder than a true bisque.

You’ll want a bucket. Splurge ...$10/$18.

Parties of six or more can opt for the

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“Chef’s Table.”

You’ll be served whatever tickles Chef Szabo’s fancy, or you can pick a few of your own favorites. (Fun Fact: all leftover food stuffs are composted.)

The dessert menu is on fire (ask for the Oaxacan Wreckage. Trust me.)

The bar has torchy hand-crafted cocktails inspired by the continents and their landmarks (“Snowfall on Fujisan” is so Zen.) We’re anxious to try the MATCH breakfast with an array of fantastic juices and coffees as well as dinner accompanied by worldly digistifs.

MATCH is bound to spontaneously combust. Close cover before striking.

1100 N. Central Ave. 602-875-8000 MATCHphx.com

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“It’s the most wonderful time of the year, darlin’! The Holidays are here!

Wishes for peace on earth, goodwill, parties, nutcrackers, parking places at the mall and presents! Lots of presents! I fixed up a list of some gift ideas that’ll help you find the perfect something for someone perfect. Remember, when you stop believing in Santa is when you get socks and underwear, sugar.”

Photography by Scotty Kirby | Text by Deon Brown Costumes provided by Mardi Gras Costumes 5895 N Granite Reef Rd, Scottsdale December 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 57

Kiel James Patrick bracelets

The fashions and accessories at Kiel James Patrick have a rich heritage of American craftsmanship. We’re keen on their bracelets made in Rhode Island.

The Mohegan Overlook

is from the Archer Collection in fishtail-braided pearlized cotton thread with hand-stamped brass closure: $40

Narragansett Arrow:

Acknowledge Arizona’s American Indian heritage. The rugged leather watchstrap-style bracelet with brass fittings is illustrated with an arrow in needlepoint. $85

World Traveler’s Bracelet:

Commemorate a special place anywhere in the world on the solid brass plate with customized geographic coordinates engraved to order and hand-stitched to the top grain leather band. $68 Check out their KJP’s clothing and more. Buy American! Free domestic shipping and returns. Order online at KJP.com.

The Giving Keys

Embrace your word, then pass the key on to someone else.

Discarded keys are imprinted with an inspirational word or you can choose a special word. Based in downtown LA, The Giving Key employs those transitioning out of homelessness.

Available as necklaces, bracelets or rings. $42.

Order at TheGivingKeys.com

Teaz Vodka

“Pour some sugar on me!” Or vodka. These award-winning spirits are made with the finest wheat from France and distilled five times. Best of all, TEAZ was created by one of our own (a lesbian!) and based here in Phoenix. The sexy pole dancer on the fancy bottle makes this a perfect gift for ministers and moms! About $60 a bottle, available at better liquor stores, served at Stacey’s @ Melrose and Bar1. Enjoy responsibly before or after church, please.

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Blackstock’s Beard & Mustache Supply Co.

The finest all-natural beard and moustache oils, balms and wax handcrafted for the bearded man (and maybe a few ladies) here in Phoenix, Arizona. Available on Etsy or at Twigs and Vine, 4427 N. 7th Ave. Look ‘em up on Facebook.

Nadkins

These “male jewels refresher towelettes” keep things fresh “down there.” Convenient, individually wrapped single-use towelettes are 100% natural, nontoxic, soothing while keeping your cojones clean, cool and deodorized down in Man Country with aloe vera, vitamin E and allantoin. Perfect for Arizona boys and our bouncy “boys.” 30-pack: $32.50 or available for monthly subscription at Nadkins.com

Pride Handler Boots

These boots were made for walkin’ and making a bold fashion statement. The unisex Pride Handler 100% leather demi-boots are handcrafted using the colors of the rainbow in New York City. 50% of the sales are contributed to OneOrlando. org, benefiting victims and family members of the Orlando shooting. $425. Custom sizes available at no charge. Free shipping & returns. Available at ModernVice.com

Mrs. Claus costume from

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Lingerie Superstores

Ladies, you’ll get everything you want when you’re wearing a teddy, camisole or something seductive from Lingerie Superstores. Naughty nighties with attractive prices. Dudes, they got you covered, too. 400 W. Indian School Rd. in Phoenix. Visit LingerieSuperstores.com for ideas & to order.

Lucky Iron Fish

One of these little fishies can provide you with up to 90% of your recommended daily intake of iron. Safe and reusable, boil the fish in any liquid or broth-based meals. Buy one and another is donated to a family in a country challenged with iron deficiencies. Super cute, this gift is Oprah approved. $25. Catch yours at LuckyIronFish.com

Curious Nature

For the person who has everything! This curiosity shop has ethically sourced skulls, bones, insects, botanicals, preserved specimens, butterflies, antiques and occasionally sponsors “how-to” taxidermy classes.

Definitely worth a visit. 5032 N. Central Ave. 602314-4346 CuriousNatureShop.com Pictured: 16” Alligator Head, $199.

R Salon Hair Products

The Valley’s best, hip, fullservice salon, R. Salon is your one-stop spa for massage therapy, aestheticians, nail technicians and stylists.

Book your appointment for the holidays! Keep your hair looking great with R. Salon’s custom formula shampoos, conditioners, gels and other products. Make your appointment or stop by 1940 E. Camelback Rd. or call 602-216-1616. Visit R.Salon.me for more.

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David Bowie

“Who Can I Be Now? 1974-1976” CD/Vinyl box set Second in a series of box sets spanning Bowie’s stupendous career. The 12-CD, 13-LP or digital download features remastered versions of five albums Diamond Dogs, Young Americans, Station to Station, Live Nassau Coliseum, a previously unreleased album plus singles and b-sides with an accompanying book. CD: about $120. Vinyl: about $215 on Amazon.com

Kate Bush

“Before the Dawn”

Finally! Two years after Kate Bush stunned the music world with her 22-show run of live concerts in London comes the 3-CD deluxe and 4-LP vinyl sets of 29 select performances and live recordings from Britain’s most highly acclaimed, musically respected visionary. CD: about $20. Vinyl: about $54 on Amazon.com

Home Viewing

Nothing like a little bit of viewing entertainment in your very own trailer! Available on Blu-ray, DVD and various VOD platforms.

Game of Thrones

, the complete seasons box set is loaded with more specially produced bonus content than Lannister baubles.

DVD $145 at Amazon.com

Absolutely Fabulous

- The new adventures of Patsy and Eddie, sweetie darlings! Blu-ray $23 at Amazon.com

● Looking

the complete series - gay besties in San Francisco search for love & the meaning in life. And a little pecker. Blu-ray, $43 at Amazon.com

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Jump Starter Battery Pack

Weego JS6 6000mAh Jump Starter Standard Battery Pack for Mobil Devices & Car Batteries Great for dads, lesbians and nelly boys! Starts gas engines, charges phones, tablets, speakers, portable USB devices and fits in your pocket. Up to 1000 full charging cycles. Includes jumper cables and battery pack, LED flashlight, wall & car chargers, 3-in-1 (micro, 30-pin and lightning) USB cord. Pays for itself after just one jump start. Just like me. $90 on Amazon.com

Yves Saint Laurent & Jean Cocteau Coloring Books

Coloring books for adults are exploding in popularity. These lavishly illustrated, fanciful coloring books will delight and educate you about our fabulous gay forebears. Yves Saint Laurent features his line drawings of his haute couture fashion.

Playwright, artist and designer Jean Cocteau was part of the Paris Avant-Garde movement and still inspires. Buzzfeed calls these gems, “The chicest stress reliever ever.” Full-color illustrations, line art. $12.95 each. Order online at ArsenalPulp.com or call 1-888-600-PULP

Taschen Books

The premier publisher of gorgeous books about art, design, fashion, photography and more.

Tom of Finland’s stylized, fetishistic gay art is legendary.

The Little Books of Tom of Finland

● make great stocking stuffers for the connoisseur of gay sex and art.

Choose from Cops & Robbers, Military Men and Blue Collar, only $9.99 each. Softcover.

● Size queens will go for the massively hung, hardcover/slipcased 666-page with over 1,000 images. $69.99.

XXL

Tom of Finland

Need something a little more wholesome?

Barbra.

● Brimming with stories, photographs and everything about La Streisand. Hardcover. 336 pp. $69.99

The Walt Disney Film Archives

● : the animated movies 1921-1968 is the new, giant, first volume with never-before-seen Disney art. A “must” for the Disney lover. 620 pp. and over 1,500 illustrations.

See the entire catalog and order at Taschen.com December 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 63

Joshua Paul Tomblin

Nobody loved having a good time more than Josh. His quick-witted, wry, often pithy observations and commentary made him a character, alright.

Outgoing, ferocious and fearless, Josh was certainly a force to be reckoned with by everyone he encountered.

Josh worked at his family’s store, The Green Woodpecker, a flower & gift shop in Park Central Mall until they closed about ten years ago. He was a fixture at B.S. West. A loyal friend, and one-of-a-kind, he will be missed.

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A

little bit of nutmeg, a dash of cinnamon ... don’t forget extra sugar! It’s a Holiday Party and we’re sweet on you! It’s the time of year for potlucks, open houses, Secret Santa, White Elephant parties, cookie exchanges, spending time with family and friends. ‘Tis the season, so don’t get your tinsel in a tangle. Get your ho, ho, ho on with someone you love. One more thing: don’t be afraid to sparkle just a little bit brighter.

Photography by Leaked Glass | Models are Lance Matheson, John Bello, Elisa Radcliff, and Angelina Ramirez. Shot at the Residences at CityScape.

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For a behind the scenes look of this shoot go to leakedglass.com/blog

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December 2016

Vol. 10, Issue 9

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

Arizona Woman Finds Trump-Shaped Cheeto OUTRAGEOUS!

Yuma – Gabriela Rosario Consuela García Villanueva Lopez de Arroyo y Fernandez got a big surprise when she bought a bag of Cheetos purchased a her local Basha’s supermarket. Out of hundreds of Cheetos, one bore a striking resemblance to presidentelect, Donald Trump.

One anonymous expert about the world of bizarre, unexplained phenomena of curious images appearing on food stuffs, Dr. Alan Portman said, “Usually these images relate to the miraculous, like the face of Jesus on a Tortilla, or the Virgin Mary on a piece of toast. This is more like a portent of ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTHburnt IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL doom. I’ve never seen anything like it. Be “I was eating my Cheetos–baked are my afraid. Very afraid.” favorites–minding my own business like a normal person, when I pulled out a Cheeto Mrs. Arroyo y Fernandez flushed the Cheeto that looked different from all the others. It down the toilet. “I’m not putting that in my looked misshapen. It looked deformed. It mouth!” she said. looked mean and angry. It looked horrible.

It looked like Trump,” said de Arroyo y The Frito-Lay Company, a subsidiary of Fernandez. “I was so upset. I said to my son, PepsiCo, who makes Cheetos, declined to ‘¡Mijo! ¡Mira! ¡Aqui! ¡El nuevo Presidente comment.

Trump is in my Cheetos!”

OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS!

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OUTRAGEOUS! Election Recount Scheduled at Sesame Street

OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS! ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

New York City – The winner of the contentious election for President of the United States is still hotly contested.

President-elect Donald Trump’s 306 electoral votes bested Hillary Clinton’s 232.

accounted for.” Recorders responsible for ballots are in a quandary: where to do the hand recount?

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

“There’s only one place we can trust: Sesame Street.” The hospitable, easy-going ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH educational IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL street somewhere in New GreenRESEMBLANCE party candidate Jill Stein YorkISisTRAGICALLY the only honest place to stage the ANY TOisTHE TRUTH ACCIDENTAL contesting the results of several recount, pundits believe. questionable key states’ totals, demanding a recount and questioning the accuracy of “The number obsessed arithmomaniac polling totals.

Count von Count will spearhead the count” said one anonymous elector. “The recount “Tallies are spurious and suspicious,” said will be done in batches of 34,969 at a one anonymous insider for the Democratic time–which is the Count’s favorite number.

Party. “Ballots in key precincts in states He’s the only one we can trust.” across the nation have not been accurately

OUTRAGEOUS!

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ou would think that folks are busy sending holiday greeting cards.

But they’re not, because they’re too busy sending holiday dilemmas. So many that my inbox is stuffed tighter than a plussize-bitch wearing skinny jeans. This month’s Favorite Bitch® floweth ovah!

So grab a hot chocolate and cozy up with my good ole fashioned advice for an ultra modern world!

Dear Miss Tiger, I did a few bumps during Thanksgiving.

My ex broke up with me because of it.

I learned my lesson and promised him I won’t do it anymore. How can we get back together before Hanukkah? I’m good for keeping my word.

— Benji Dear Lit Like A Menorah, The only thing you’re good for is giving Rudolph a night off. Your coked-up shiny nose will definitely help Santa guide that sleigh!

Dear Miss Tiger, Secret Santa is an annual event at my job. Last year a co-worker got me jumper thong underwear. It’s hot and all, but do you think they know I’m gay? I’ve never told anyone there that I like guys. Help!

— Anthony Dear It May Be Secret Santa But Your SECRET Is OUT, Bitch!

And on that note ... NEXT! Dear Miss Tiger, I went snowboarding and got a bad case of heat rash on my balls and ass.

I wouldn’t usually care but I’m dating someone new and embarrassed to bottom right now. Any advice?

— Patrick

Dear Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire, Buy some Desitin ointment, Boy Butter lube and spread your peaches like holiday cheese ball on a Ritz cracker.

P.S. Remember to do it with the lights out!

Dear Miss Tiger, I received a new dildo for Christmas. I just can’t stop using it! The problem is that I keep canceling on my friends and choosing “IT” over them. What advice do you have for me?

— Jared Dear Frosty The Snowman Wants His Carrot Back, And speaking of snow, if you keep on playing with yourself and dissin’ your crew, those friendships are gonna melt quicker than the toy slidin’ in your droopy stocking!

Dear Miss Tiger, My boyfriend and I decided to have some Christmas fun during sex. He was doing me with a candy cane and it broke! We tried getting it out but I landed in the emergency room. A hot male doctor extracted it from my butt. As I was leaving he handed me a new candy cane and wished me a happy holiday. Tell me, was that an insult?

— Diego Dear Lickety-Split, Insult? That was an invitation, Hunty!!!

MISS TIGER Advice Columnist • SiriusXM radio personality ... and everyone’s #FAVORITEBITCH Website FavoriteBitch.com Facebook /MissTiger Advice ask@misstiger.com December 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 95

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by Addison DeWitt

mission for ‘Murica to kiss his cheeks from sea to shining sea.

W

e all know what the holidays are about.

They’re not really about peace on earth nor goodwill toward men. They’re about judgment.

Good/bad.

Naughty/ nice. We all B do it. Heck, I make a living doing it! That’s why I’m presenting my annual Gab Fab List.™ Who made it?

Let’s see!

I’m generally jaded. There’s only one person in this town who leaves me scandalized.

Vera Saucy (D) with her snatch, natch.

A

The only thing that can make the news about politics, budget C cuts or gory traffic accidents interesting is the g-g-g-gorgeous tattooed KTVK Channel 3 evening news anchor Brandon D Lee. (A) I could listen to him talk about the news all night long. (And I mean “all night long.”)

I’m crushing hard on Jimmy Thomason—and his dogs. (B) He’s simply divoon! I dream of running barefoot through his hairy chest.

O, beautiful, for spacious guys! Forget the amber waves of grain.

Chance Gullon (C) is making it his

If you’re looking Mr. Everywhere, you don’t have to look very far.

That peaches ‘n’ cream faced Jesse McDowell Lungren (E) is about as ubiquitous as it gets. I love him for it!

Every little thing that you say or do, I’m hung up. I’m hung up on Brian Whitney, (F) Madge’s No. 1 Super fan. (As if you couldn’t tell.)

You may find this difficult to believe. My life was dull, dreary and barely worth living until ... until he came back. Him. It’s The ION Party Penguin of the Year! It could only be one man! Yep. Who else? It’s Ben Whitneybell!

E (G) Leave it to Ben to create a F little panic and pandemonium every where he goes.

So Fa-la-la-la freakin’ -la!

Merry Christmas!

G

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M

ore retrograde madness! It’s time for a Mercury retrograde—again!—from December 19 ‘til January 8. The good news is Uranus retrograde ends on December 29 with the New Moon. All these retrogrades create extra hoopla for holidays. So there’s that. Eat more cookies. That’s our advice.

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20 Visions of sugarplums dance in your head thanks to Mercury. These are sometimes called “hallucinations.” You have an idea that seems extravagant, but hard work makes it more than a dream.

Taurus April. 21 - May 20 “Do you hear what I hear?” No? Listen a little closer, because you need to hear what’s going on. The Full Moon on Dec. 13 signals progress. Keep your ear to the ground; an opportunity falls in your lap.

Gemini May 21 - June 21 “Ding Dong merrily on high!” Mercury retrograde leaves you feeling like a dingdong, but you’ll pull through. When Uranus in retrograde ends on Dec. 29. you’ll make a transformation in time for 2017 that will astonish you.

Cancer June 22 - July 22 “Go tell it on the mountain! Over the hills and everywhere!” Go ahead. You’ve got some big news; you’ll start relationship at work or at home. Brag about it. Thank the Sun entering Capricorn on Dec. 21 for that.

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22 “Hark! The herald angels sing!” “Hark” more this month. If you “hark” on Dec. 2 when Mercury enters Capricorn something happens that’ll put things in a better perspective. Read the fine print.

Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22 “It came upon a midnight clear.” More precisely on Dec. 13 when the Full Moon in Gemini lets you reap what you sow. It’s a 98

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good time to reach out to an old love or pick up an old hobby. Aren’t they sometimes the same thing?

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22 “I wonder as I wander, out under the sky ...” Memories light the corner of your mind.

Misty, watercolor memories. It’s because Mercury enters Capricorn on Dec. 2.

Express your feelings. You can go home again.

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23 “Fall on your knees!” We don’t have to ask you twice. The Full Moon on Dec. 13 has you digging deeper for answers that’ll shake things up in your life so you can make some exciting changes.

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23 “Deck the halls!” We can hear your “fa-la-lala-la’s” everywhere. Expect wildly swinging emotions. Gotta birthday? Focus on funds and fun will come. Free your mind with the New Moon on Dec. 29, so strike the harp and join the chorus!

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20 People are begging you, “Bring us some figgy pudding!” Friends demand something special from you—and they want it right now! A birthday puts you in the spotlight (surprise!) and feeling good about the future as Uranus ends its retrograde at the end of the month.

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 “Joy to the world!” Thanks to Venus, by mid-month you’ll falling in love (or a close approximation thereof.) A romantic encounter may earn you a gift, sweetheart.

But remember: you gotta pay the piper.

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20 “Santa Claus is coming!” (Or is he just breathing hard?) Whether you prefer Old St. Nick or Mrs. Claus, when Mars conjuncts with Neptune on Jan. 1, 2017, and you’re sexual prowess either attracts or repels others. Hey, it happens.