ION Arizona #183

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HELL FREEZES OVER

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CHARLIE’S

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DANCING WITH THE BARS

PICTURES BY RANDY

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TEMPE CENTER FOR THE ARTS

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WEDDING EXPO

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AZ GRAND HOTEL

PARTY CAM

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DRAG WARS

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BS WEST

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830 N. 1st Ave., Unit 203 Phoenix, AZ 85003 (602) 308-4662 www.IONAZ.com ionarizona@me.com PUBLISHER / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero ............................................ jacktesorero@me.com

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ..................................................... kbushaw@me.com EDITOR Deon Brown ................................................... ionazeditor@me.com COPY EDITOR .......................................................... Austin Head GRAPHIC DESIGNER ......................................... Angel Jimenez PRODUCTION & ARTWORK SUBMISSIONS

ionazproduction@me.com

ADVERTISING SALES Jack Tesorero ............................................................ (602) 750-1164

jacktesorero@me.com

PHOTOGRAPHERS:

Fernando Hernandez Franklin Diaz Scotty Kirby NATIONAL ADVERTISING REPRESENTATIVE Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 CONTRIBUTORS:

Addison DeWitt C. Edwards Ted Kirby

Peter Lora Paul Sanchez Miss Tiger

Published monthly by

1995-2016: 21 Years of Design and Creative Excellence © 2016 JMT Designs, Inc.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.

NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company.

Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

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Last Man Standing I

’m coming out. Again. I’m admitting that I’m not good at sports. I never was. When I was a kid, they called me “Rubber Arm” when I threw a baseball.

When I bowled, my ball found the gutter more often than not.

When our class played kickball, I was last to get picked. I was in the lowest swimming group for my age group. The list goes on. The only thing I was good at was watching. And I’m good with that.

ION Arizona sponsors and supports local sport teams and leagues. Joining is a great way to be active, have fun and meet new friends. For those of you who aren’t always comfortable with the “bar scene,” you’ll discover there’s a lot more out there for you to be part of, and still “stay in the swim” of things. I encourage all of you athletes, or if you just want to get involved, join! There’s something for everyone. (Well, except for me!) I’ll watch the games from the sidelines and as a sponsor. Support our

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teams and have fun. On and off the field!

This month we have an interview with our hometown boy, singer David Hernandez whose single and music video “Beautiful” is out—an so is he.

We’re also spotlighting a troupe of rogue drag queens whose monthly underground party, “We Three Queens” is becoming a hit.

Sports, music and drag!

ION has it all!

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DAVID HERNANDEZ Sings out

by Deon Brown

by Deon Brown

--

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A

rizona’s own David Hernandez burst onto national TV in 2008 American Idol, Season 7. A scandal saw him as the first finalist ushered off the stage. He rebounded. Since then he’s performed at over 20 Human Rights Campaign galas, more than 40 Pride events over the past four years, The Ellen Show, The Today Show, MTV’s TRL and the list goes on. He even sang for President Barack Obama at his Inaugural Kick Off Celebration Ball.

DH: I think we’re all in the places we need to be at the time we’re supposed to be there. I was dealing with a lot of stuff at 24. It would’ve been difficult for me to share my story—I didn’t quite know what my story was. I was dealing with a considerable amount of positive and negative fame. The last thing on my mind was, “Hey guys! I’m gay!” I was dealing with a lot of people, record labels, managers, all whispering in my ear, “Do not come out! It will end your career.” I deal with people now, surprisingly, who still have those mental shackles.

“We need to start loving outselves and embracing our flaws.”

Last month David officially “came out” in OUT magazine and he released a hit anthem, “Beautiful” produced by Mark Grilliot and directed by Printz Board of Black Eyed Peas fame. The video got over 30,000 views in less than a week.

ION Arizona spoke with David about coming out, American Idol, that pesky “scandal,” and feeling, well, “Beautiful.”

ION: What spurred you to “officially” come out?

DH: My friends and family have known that I’m gay for a very, very long time.

I wanted to make a public statement because for years I wasn’t able to share my story which could’ve changed some lives or inspired people. I wanted to take this opportunity to reach out and say, “You can do all those things. You can be gay. You can be successful. I’m living proof.” Hopefully this will inspire people to live authentically and embrace who they are. It came at a perfect time with “Beautiful” being released. It wasn’t planned. It all came together organically.

ION: Do you wish you came out earlier?

ION: Let’s talk about your 2008 American Idol experience. Was there a strain to keep your personal life compartmentalized just to have it blow up nationally?

DH: American Idol gave me a platform to sing on the biggest TV show at the time. When my story was sold to Access Hollywood for $200 I was devastated.

I’d just performed “Papa Was A Rolling Stone” and woke up the next morning sharing headlines with Britney Spears and her umbrella moment on CNN. The focus of the story was, “He was a gay stripper” and that totally overshadowed me being the best vocalist I could be. If that doesn’t make you want to recede into a dark abyss, I don’t know what would. It was a lot to handle at 24-years-old.

ION: Do you feel like you were Idol’s sacrificial lamb?

DH: I wondered. It’s hard to tell. I was singing my face off and it was frustrating.

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question certain things.

I did question God in that moment. If that story didn’t break I would’ve stayed on the show longer. I watched the rest of the season and people who were on the show are still good friends of mine.

American Idol knew everything about me.

They sat us all down, they did background checks, discussed our sexual partners, were they male or female, do you do any drugs ... There were no secrets. My story was “too much” for viewers to handle. I’m really thankful that happened. I wouldn’t be the person who I am today without having gone through that. I went through the biggest public shaming in American Idol history. I’ve grown and learned a lot about this industry.

started. That’s when I had the idea came to me for the music video to have different races, religions, body types and sexual orientations.

I wanted to show that we need to start loving ourselves and embracing our flaws.

ION: Your album “I Am Who I Am” (2011) was very affirming.

Is your new work different? Has it evolved?

DH: That was the very first song I’d ever written. I wrote that in my laundry room at four in the morning.

I still sing it today and it’s super important to me. Growing up with a single parent and having a tumultuous childhood, it reaffirmed that I stay true to who I am and can stand in my own light all these years. My content has changed lyrically and so has my sound. I’m excited to get back into the studio.

ION: How did “Beautiful” happen?

ION: Has your gay audience been supportive or critical?

DH: The producer, Mark Grilliot, who co-wrote and produced “Beautiful,” submitted the song to my agent. Prior to recording, it was a terrible day. I was having complexion issues, a failed relationship and it was not one of my best days. Going in to record I thought, “How am I gonna sing about beauty when I don’t even feel beautiful myself?”

It turned into a therapy session. By the end I felt much better than when I’d

DH: They’ve embraced me. I’ve only seen positive comments—of course there’s a few who want to say whatever negative they can say—but they’re few and far between. As an independent artist this makes me very happy; it just shows there’s a lot of love and support and a need for a positive message. Music is cathartic. Singing “Beautiful,” makes me happy—it’s anthemic and uplifting. You’ve got to be kinda crazy to watch the video

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photo by Adam Bouska

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photo by Adam Bouska

I read the reviews and comments. Most of them are encouraging but some of them sting. and not feel happy!

ION: What do you sing when you’re alone, around the house?

DH: Anything from India.

Arie to Sade to gospel, hymns, things I grew up on—like “Bridge Over Troubled Water.” Sometimes I’m busting out a Justin Bieber song, sometimes I’ll sing “Amazing Grace” because it’s been one of those days. Music has saved my life on more than one occasion, for sure.

ION: You sang in a USO tour in Abu Dhabi for our troops.

DH: I did! The troops said, “Thank you so much for giving us a piece of home.”

These people give their lives so that I can walk down the street holding my boyfriend’s hand, being open and proud of who I am. Next year we’re going to do a whole USO tour.

ION: What would you like people to know about you?

DH: I’m human. I may come off as arrogant or conceited, but I can be insecure; I have a lot of social anxiety. I’m growing. Be nice! I’m sensitive about my art and my craft. I want people to like me.

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The message in “Beautiful” couldn’t have come at a better time.

Look, we all say things about people. We all get teased and talked about.

It’s not fun. It hurts. If we were all nicer to each other it’d be a much better world. I know it’s not all “Rainbows!

Sunshine! Flowers!”

Just be conscious what you’re saying or typing.

People take it to heart.

ION: What would you say to those struggling with self-image issues?

DH: You have something nobody else has. We’re all very much flawed beings. In time you’ll embrace those flaws and become who you are. Love and appreciate yourself. There’s always gonna be roadblocks. Be authentic and ignore all the haters. Let your light shine brighter.

David will appear on “Good Morning Arizona” ABC KTVK Channel 3, Thursday, September 8 at 8:50 a.m. to perform “Beautiful” acoustically and give an interview so tune in!

Wednesday September 7 - Vee Quiva Casino 9 p.m.

Friday September 9 - Jersey’s Tavern in Chandler 9 p.m.

Sunday September 11 - Casino Arizona 8 p.m.

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LIVƎD

Hey! Here’s one for the ladies!

Put on some lipstick (or not. It’s your decision.) and get wild! This all-girls party event takes over Los Diablos twice! So tits to the wind, ladies!

Let’s get a little crazy! (But not too crazy. It’s hard on the furniture.) September 3 & 17, Los Diablos, 1028 E. Indian School Rd. in Phoenix.

(See ad on p. 11)

Fiestas Patrias

¡Viva Mexico! Our neighbors south of the border have five public holidays, and this is one of the biggies! Karamba’s is the place to be to celebrate “El Grito de Dolores y Aniversario de la Independencia.” No cover, and the Karamba Girls are your hostesses on miércoles, 14 septiembre, 1724 E. McDowell Rd. ¡Arriba! (See ad on p. 10)

“3C” at Nearly Naked Theatre Join ION Arizona for a night at the theatre for “3C.” The Vietnam War is over and Brad, a veteran, lands in L.A. to start a new life. After a night of partying, Brad winds up trashed in Connie and Linda’s apartment. The three strike a deal for a living arrangement that has hilarious and devastating consequences. Thursday, September 15 at 7:30 p.m. 100 E. McDowell Rd. NearlyNakedTheatre.org or call 602-254-2151

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Ignition Circuit

Polish up the Plymouth! Detail the Dodge!

Fenders & Friends presents Ignition Circuit, a new quarterly auto show party! Come show off your classic car or amazing automobile.

Raffles and more! Best of all, it’s free!

Saturday, September 24 at Stacy’s @ Melrose, 4343 N. 7th Ave in Phoenix. (See ad on p. 8)

AIDS Walk Arizona - Tucson

Help make a difference! Be part of the 28th annual AIDSWALK Tucson fundraiser for the programs and services of the Southern Arizona AIDS Foundation. The event starts at the Joel D. Valdez Main Library at Jácome Plaza in downtown Tucson on Sunday, October 9. For more info and to register visit AIDSwalkTucson.com or call 520-6287228 (See ad p. 85)

SEPTEMBER 2016 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE EVENT 3 DJ Quinton Spins 3 LIVED - All Girl’s Party 4 Carnaval Latino 2-5 Labor Day Weekend 9 Los Temerarios Party 10 Jamboree Blues Show 10 AML Club Night/Blackout Party 12, 19, 26 Retro Game Night 14 Fiestas Patrias 16 Grupo Caribe 16-17 Customer Appreciation Party 16-17 Mexican Independence Weekend 16 Pups & Handlers Night 17 LIVED - All Girl’s Party 23-10/31 The Crypt 24 Boys of Leather Night 24 Game Day Sports Party 24 Ignition Circuit Auto Show Party 30 Bearracuda OCTOBER 2 H’ween Show Kick-Off Party 5 Salsa Wednesday 5 Spooky Skate 9 AIDS Walk AZ 15 + 16 Rainbows Festival 23 AIDS Walk AZ

LOCATION Stacy’s Los Diablo’s Karamba’s Charlie’s Karamba’ Cruisin’ 7th The Anvil Los Diablo’s Karambas Karamba’s Dick’s Cabaret Charlie’s The Anvil Los Diablo’s Fiesta Mall Pkg Lot The Anvil Karamba’s Stacy’s The Rock

CITY Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Mesa Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix

BS West Scottsdale Karamba’s Phoenix Great Skate Glendale Jácome Plaza Tucson Heritage Square Phoenix Downtown PHX Phoenix September 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 39

Phoenix • Roxboro Puerto Vallarta

1940 East Camelback, Phoenix | 602.216.1616

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photos by Franklin Diaz with additional photos provided.

R

un! Jump! Kick! Spike! Hike! Pitch!

Catch! Hey, jocks! Fall is here and that can only mean one thing: it’s time to play some sports! Pick a league and get ready, because there’s a team out there that needs you! Here’s a guide for you and how you can join.

AZ GAY

VOLLEYBALL Arizona Gay Volleyball Association (AZGV) is a great place for sand volleyball enthusiasts in the GLBTQ community and our allies. AZGV has seven different divisions, playing 2’s on Sunday, 4’s on Tuesday, and 6’s on Monday, with beginner to advanced. We work hard to place new players on a team in the correct division, helping facilitate new teams as well to make each player’s experience the best ever!

We welcome everyone to come check us out during our Open Play days on Monday, September 12 and again on Monday, September 19 at Steele Indian School Park from 6:30-10 p.m.

The AZGV Board will be on hand to answer questions at the Kickoff Party at Stacy’s @ Melrose on Thursday, September from 7-9 p.m.

Join in the fun! Enter our Quick Sand tournament Saturday, September 10.

Visit AZGV.org for more information.

FALL 2016 ION VOLLEYBALL DATE TIME EVENT 9/8 AZ Gay Vball Fall Kickoff Party 9/10-11 Quick Sand Volleyball Tourney 9/12 AZ Gay Vball Open Play 9/19 AZ Gay Vball Open Play 9/25 Fall Season Starts

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PHX GAY FLAG

FOOTBALL Let’s Play! Approaching ten years, the PGFFL is better than ever, and they want you! Flags, balls, catches, scores. Flag football and our league will push you, challenge you and put the biggest smile on your face. That’s the biggest reward.

“We’re also a great family, welcoming anyone of any background, skill or experience level. You’ll quickly see that the PGFFL reflects the strength and diversity of our community. Whether you wish to release your inner jock, relive your glory days on the field, or just aim to meet fun people while learning something new, there’s a place for you here,” said Joel Horton, PGFFL Commissioner, pictured below.

They now play year-round, with their next season starting Friday nights this fall, September 9 through November 18 at Monterey Park in Central Phoenix. What better reason to skip Happy Hour?

Find them on Facebook at PGFFL, Instagram at #PGFFL or PhoenixFlagFootball.com.

“We can’t wait to see you join the fun and family,” says Joel.

“Let’s Play!”

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Mariah Hearit, Andre Metoyer, Richie Ressel, & Ryan “Wolfy” Wolford September 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 45

CACTUS CITES

SOFTBALL Are you a pitcher or a catcher? Even if you’re a shortstop or outfielder we want you!

Cactus Cities Softball League is an amateur adult slowpitch league for everyone who wants to play ball! Our popular Chili CookOff is in March at Roscoe’s with the the popular, annual Saguaro Cup Tournament April 7-9, 2017. Teams just recently traveled to the Softball World Series in Austin, TX. Congratulations to Los Diablo’s Saints, winners of the 2016 Championship!

Where do we play? You can find us at the Cesar Chavez Softball Complex, 7858 S. 35th Ave. in Laveen. For more information about signing up, our schedule and more, check us out at CactusCities.com

Commissioner/Director of the Cactus Cities Softball League and Coach/team member of the Arizona Toros John Deffee

Los Diablos Saints

From Diablos Saints Patrick Ramirez, Desert Heat’s Aaron Maya, Charlie’s AZ ICE Ernest Rodriguez, AZ Ticoz Spare Parts rep Richard Rodriguez, and Arizona Toros’ Dallen “DJ” September 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 47

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ICON

DODGEBALL Icon Sports is for adults who enjoy organized co-ed Foam Dodgeball in a laid back social environment with players of all skill levels and individuals who love to socialize.

“We pride ourselves on being the Number one LGBTQ and ally dodgeball league in Arizona as well as being the leading social league in the valley. We value friendships, community, encouragement, fair play, and fun!” said Nicole Ruiz, founder of ICON Dodgeball.

Come join the fun year-round, whether you are a beginner or an experienced player.

Icon Sports also gives back to the LGBTQ community by partnering with local organizations and other LGBTQ sports leagues throughout the year.

When they aren’t playing or giving back, they hang out off the court, traveling, happy hours, pool parties, and other social events.

Come play Foam Dodgeball with Icon and you won’t be disappointed! “Like” them for all fun events and playing dates at Facebook.com/IconSportsDodgeball

PHX FIRE KICKBALL A new kickball league is right here in the Valley of the Sun! Phoenix Fire Kickball is an LGBT league open to all. “We like beer more than rules. We have structured games with rules but we pursue fun as our #1 priority,” says Jill Hovey, league founder. “Join us for the inaugural season of Phoenix Fire Kickball League! Season Start Date October to December 18 at Encanto Park Visit PhxFireKickball.com for more information.

Open Play & Pick-Up Game: Thursday, September 15 at 8 p.m.

Encanto Park, 15th Ave. and Encanto Blvd. in Phoenix.

PHX UNIFIED GAY BOWLING ASSOCIATION Strike it up! Eat, drink, laugh with your friends, knock down some pins & avoid the gutter. Join a gay bowling league With six Phoenix Unified Gay Bowling Alliance (PUGBA) leagues throughout the Valley, there’s an opportunity to hit the lanes almost every night of the week No experience is necessary. We have bowlers of every experience level. Bowling is a great way to have fun & meet new people. It’s all about enjoying the company of friends, old & new. Bowling is the sport for anyone because experience is not required. The leagues are composed of bowlers of all ages & levels of expertise from novice to lane shark. Cost usually ranges from $12 – $16 a week depending on the league you join.

Visit GayBowlingPhoenix.com

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Phoenix Storm Rugby

Bootcamp is the Phoenix Storm’s main recruiting event to welcome new players - September 17, 9:00 a.m.-12:00 p.m. at Colter Park. October practices are every Saturday 9:00am and starting November 1 - Tuesday and Thursday 7-9 p.m. at Longview Elementary School, on Indian Shool Rd. near 12th St. in Phoenix.

Regular season stars in January.

“Like” the Storm’s Facebook page at Facebook.com/PhoenixStormRFC for updates.

Desert Volleyball Alliance

Indoor volleyball for the gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, transgender community and its supporters. Their goal is to provide a safe, fun and competitive environment for players 18-years-old and above for all ability levels. They host Saturday Open Play for all divisions in Phoenix at the Sports Club at City Square. New and B level players session is from 10:30 a.m.-1 p.m. The BB and A division players session is from 1 p.m.-3:30 p.m. They host an annual indoor one day and grass tournament each year. Members compete and travel to tournaments around the country. Visit DVA at DesertVolleyball.com or follow them on FaceBook at DesertVolleyball to learn more about how you can involved. DVA is a NAGVA affiliated league NAGVA.org.

Cactus Tennis Alliance

CTA promotes the sport of tennis within the Phoenix metro LGBT community, promoting the LGBT community within the sport. Come join them this weekend for Open Play Fridays & Sundays 7:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. at the Phoenix Tennis Center at 6330 N. 21st Ave inPhoenix. $10 per player (pay for courts and balls) Open to all levels. Check them out on Facebook. com/CactusTennis

Phx Frontrunners

Phoenix Frontrunners (PHXFR) is committed to supporting the LGBT community in health and education by promoting the adoption of a healthy lifestyle through running and walking, as well as through a wide range of educational materials and classes to assist our runners and walkers with their fitness goals. PHXFR holds it’s annual Pride Run each year in support of Pride week. 2017 Pride Run Phoenix will be held on Saturday morning March 25, 2017. Details at PHXFR.org and follow us on Facebook.com/PhoenixFrontrunners September 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 53

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BS West Halloween Kickoff Party Get ready for one of the biggest parties of the year!

The excitement builds for “Odyssey 2016” and you won’t want to miss this kick-off event! Enjoy Smirnoff & Captain Morgan sponsored cocktails, plus you’ll get the chance to win giveways, prizes and get $10 discounted general admission tickets, passes to the pre-party and more! All this plus performances by the Showgirl Follies! It all happens at BS West on Sunday, October 2 from 7-9 p.m. 7125 E. 5th Ave. in Scottsdale.

SEPTEMBER 2016 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE TIME Thursdays 8:00pm Thursdays 8:00pm Thursdays 8:00pm Thursdays 8:00pm 9/4 8:00pm 9/5 1:00pm 9/11 8:00pm 9/14 9/15 9/18 9/24 10:00pm Mondays 10:00pm Tuesday 10:00pm Tuesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 10:30pm Wednesdays 10:00pm 1st & 3rd Thurs 9pm Thursdays 10:30pm Fridays 10:30pn Fridays 10:30 Fridays 9:00pm Fridays 9:00pm 2nd Saturday 9:30pm Saturdays 10:30pm Saturdays 10:00pm Saturdays 9:30pm Sundays 11:00am Sundays 8:30pm Sundays 7:00pm Sundays 10:30pm 3rd Sunday 2:00pm

LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S) Kobalt RuPaul’s Drag Race Viewing Party The Rock RuPaul’s Drag Race Viewing Party Stacy’s RuPaul’s Drag Race Viewing Party Los Diablos RuPaul’s Drag Race Viewing Party Los Diablos Are You Smarter than a Drag Queen Game Night Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot’s Labor Day Show Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot’s Birthday Show Karamba Fiestas Patrias Karamba Ruby’s El Grito Karamba Gloria Trevi Tribute Mystery Location We Three Queens Charlie’s Claudia B Hosts The Strip Factor Karamba Savannah Moussier’s Show BS West Stars Choice Talent Showcase Kobalt Garden Variety Revue with Olivia Gardens Karamba Karamba Girls - Adriana Galiano & Karime Lizaldi Charlie’s Nevaeh’s High Heels & Halos Cruisin’ 7th Camping Out with the Southern Belles Karamba Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds Cruisin’ 7th Nikki at Night with Nikki Knowles The Rock Special Event Rotating Drag Shows Plazma Freaky Fridays with Celia Putty BS West Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers Kobalt Celia Putty Cruisin’ 7th Lady Christian’s Lady & the Tramps The Rock The Barbra Seville Show Charlie’s Pussy’s Patio Show Los Diablos Show Tunes Sunday Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot & Friends BS West The Showgirl Follies Big Sexy Show Karamba Diamond’s Show Cruisin’ 7th “Big Sunday” with Big Booty Judy September 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 55

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Cabaret

Divine decadence! The seamy underbelly of life in pre-WWII Berlin is always a surprise for English chanteuse Sally Bowles and the naive writer, Cliff Bradshaw in Fraulein Schneider’s boarding house while the sinister EmCee presides over the Kit-Kat Club. September 13-18, ASU Gammage, 1200 S. Forest Ave. in Tempe. Tickets: TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000

John

Husband and wife Elias and Jenny spend the night in a Gettysburg B&B operated by the odd 72-year-old Mrs. Graven in her doll-filled house that may be haunted by the Civil War dead. Secrets are exposed, and the relationship ghosts are revealed in mesmerizing drama from Stray Cat Theatre, September 16-October 1 at Tempe Center for the Arts, 700 W. Rio Salado Pkwy. For tix go to StrayCatTheatre.org or call 480-227-1766

Liberace!

“I only wish my mother and George were here to see this.” This moving and entertaining tribute to “Mr. Showmanship” examines his charm, glitz and glamour, reliving the highs and lows of his celebrated and talented life. September 21-October 9 at Phoenix Theatre, 100 E. McDowell Rd. in Phoenix. For tickets visit PhoenixTheatre.com or call 602-251-2151

SEPTEMBER 2016 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE

EVENT

2-3 2-17 2-17 3-24 7-10/2 8-11 11 9-25 10-30 13-18 13 15 16 16-10/1 thru 18 21-10/9 22-10/2

Adult Puppet Slam Great AZ Puppet Theatre - Phx 602-262-2050 Or SW Shakespeare Co. 480-644-6500 Velocity of Autumn iTheatre Collaberative - Phx 602--258-9481 ‘‘3C’’ Nearly Naked Theatre Co. 602-254-2151 In The Heights Phoenix Theatre 602-254-2151 Hostages iTheatre Collaberative - Phx 602--258-9481 Fat Pig Mesa Encore Theatre 480-644-3500 Footloose Mesa Encore Theatre 480-644-6500 King Charles III AZ Theatre Co. - Tucson Cabaret ASU Gammage - Tempe 800-745-3000 You Can’t Take It With You Hale Centre Theatre - Gilbert 480-497-1181 ION Night at ‘‘3C’’ Nearly Naked Theatre Co. 602-254-2151 The Revival (improv) Space55 - Phx Space55.org John Stray Cat Theatre - Tempe 480-277-1766 Pageant AZ B’way Theatre Liberace!

Phoenix Theatre 602-251-2151 Church Basement Ladies - AZ B’way Theatre - Phx 623-776-8400

6-23 7-23 thru 8

King Charles III Rasheeda Speaking Drowsy Chaperone

OCTOBER

COMPANY

PHONE

AZ Theatre Co. - Phx Black Theatre Troupe - Phx Hale Centre Theatre - Gilbert

602-256-6995 602-258-8219 480-497-1181

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Demi Lovato & Nick Jonas

Sure, Demi’s hot. We dig her “Confident” music video as a tough, bad-ass prison chick, but Nick Jonas really gets our hearts racing! Together, they’ll blow the doors off the Talking Stick Resort Arena 201 E. Jefferson St. in Phoenix on Tuesday, September 16. For tickets go to TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000

Sia

One of the most creative and experimental pop composers and singers today, this often incognito Australian performance artist/singer swings from the chandeliers on Tuesday, October 4 at the Talking Stick Resort Arena 201 E. Jefferson St. in Phoenix. For tickets go to TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000.

SEPTEMBER 2016 ION CONCERT CALENDAR DATE ARTIST 6 Drake 10 5 Seconds of Summer 10 Maná 13 Counting Crows & Rob Thomas 14 Hall & Oates 14 The Monkees 15 The Monkees 16 Demi Lovato & Nick Jonas 23 Krewella 23 Gloria Trevi 24 Blink 182 & more 24 Mary Chapin Carpenter 24 Gloria Trevi 25 Mary Chapin Carpenter 25 Hank Williams Jr. 27 Slipknot 30 Phantogram OCTOBER 1 Ani DiFranco 4 Sia 4 Lumineers 4 St. Lucia 5 Miike Snow & St. Lucia

LOCATION PHONE Talking Stick Resort Arena - Phx 800-745-3000 Ak-Chin Pavilion - Glendale 800-745-3000 Talking Stick Resort Arena - Phx 800-745-3000 Ak-Chin Pavilion - G’dale 800-745-3000 Ak-Chin Pavilion - Glendale 800-745-3000 Fox Theatre - Tucson 520-547-3040 Mesa Arts Center 480-644-6500 Talking Stick Resort Arena - Phx 800-745-3000 Crescent Ballroom - Phx 602-716-2222 Celebrity Theatre - Phx 602-267-1600 Ak-Chin Pavilion - G’dale 800-745-3000 Fox Theatre - Tucson 520-547-3040 Desert Diamond Casino - Sahuarita 520-297-7777 Virginia Piper Theatre - Scotts.

Casino del Sol - Tucson 800-344-9435 Tucson Arena 800-745-3000 Marquee Theatre - Tempe 480-839-0707 Rialto Theatre - Tucson 520-740-1000 Talking Stick Resort Arena - Phoenix 800-745-3000 Comerica Theatre - Phx 800-745-3000 Rialto Theatre - Tucson 520-740-1000 Marquee Theatre - Phx 480-839-0707 September 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 59

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Aural Fixation

by Peter Lora pintelonegro@gmail.com

Idina Menzel Idina

If you’re like John Travolta you didn’t already know Idina Menzel from her Broadway debut in RENT or iconic role as Elphaba in Wicked, you surely found out with her 2013 role in Disney’s Frozen and its Academy and Grammy award winning song. Attend a drag show, piano bar or karaoke lounge on any given night and you’re sure to hear out of context lip-syncs and unfortunate renditions of “Take Me Or Leave Me,” or “Defying Gravity” and “Let it Go.” With her first original studio album in over eight years, the Broadway and film star tries to breach the already inflated pop music sphere.

As expected, Idina is a boring and outdated anthology of songs that were most likely turned down by the other divas in Menzel’s domain, like Barbra (whose new album of duets Encore dropped August 26), Kristin Chenoweth, but most likely her identical TV daughter, Glee’s Lea Michele. Lead single “I See You” is a predictable piano ballad that’s essentially Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” with different lyrics.

With “Queen of Swords” a sense of embarrassment sets in from it’s awkward mid-tempo beat and “deeply personal” chorus lyrics: “I’m slaying like the queen of swords, la-la-la-la-la.”

Menzel is a talented vocalist, but when it comes to original content perhaps it’s best if she takes her own affirmation and lets it go. Available September 23

Frank Ocean Blonde

Fans have been waiting for four years for a follow up to 2012’s Grammy award-winning album of the year, Channel Orange. Cryptically, Ocean teased his fans with a series of riddles and delays. He released ENDLESS, a short film of dreamy, unfinished songs cut over footage of Ocean in the workshop. A day later he released ‘zine, Boys Don’t Cry, a collection of poems and photos of hot cars and hot boys with a CD, Blonde.

With lead single “Nikes,” Ocean toggles sexuality with commentary about Trayvon Martin’s murder. He’s remembers being uprooted by Hurricane Katrina with “Nights” and his visits to STD clinics with “Solo.” The music is different on Blonde—dreamy with its Radiohead style guitars and strings. He quotes singer-songwriter Elliot Smith while including André 3000, Beyoncé and James Blake. The genders of Ocean’s lovers are ambiguous but on “Good Guy” he visits a “Gay Bar” on a blind date. Blonde supersedes genre, gender, race and any preconceived notions of popular music.

Blonde is a tour de force. Available Now

THE DL SONGS TO DOWNLOAD ARTIST - “SONG”

Britney Spears – “Do You Wanna Come over” Christina Aguilera – “Telepathy” Toro Y Moi – “Grown Up Calls” M.I.A. – “Bird Song feat. Diplo” BANKS – “Mind Games” Massive Attack – “The Spoils” Emika – “Emika” Father John Misty – “Real Love Baby” Charlotte Day Wilson – “Find You” Tijuana Panthers – “I Took Her Phone Away” September 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 61

Gabriel Medellin 1978-2016

Gabriel was kind and generous, bringing his unique brand of class, sass, energy and humor to everything. He was approachable, outgoing, welcoming everyone with a smile. He also volunteered for Joshua Tree Feeding Program, PFLAG and AGRA. Gabriel was coordinator for The Men of Charlie’s in 2015 after winning their “Man of the Month” in 2009. He supported drag, copromoting the Miss Gay Phoenix America, part of the Miss Gay Arizona America system.

His friend Babe Caylor said, “We will not let his image be tarnished by the meanness that happened.” Taken too soon and violently, Gabriel would want those who loved him not to mourn, but to celebrate the memories that he made with them.

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ionazeditor@me.com

Show Business!

Show business! This month we examine two different extremes: life as a budding drag queen in crumbling Havana, Cuba, and the often glamorous life of celebrated Hollywood costumer, Orry-Kelly. Ah! The roar of the greasepaint! The smell of the crowd! Get your tickets!

With nearly 300 movies and three Oscars, Orry-Kelly dressed beauties like Ingrid Bergman (Casablanca), Bette Davis (in nearly everything she did), Marilyn Monroe (Some Like It Hot and about whom he said, “I’d rather open a hot dog stand than dress that woman again”) and the list goes on.

VIVA Much has been made of this drama. It’s easy to see why. Jesus, a young hairdresser working at a Havana nightclub for drag queens dreams of being a performer himself. When his homophobic father, an ex-boxer is released from prison, things get complicated. The inspiring and emotional story takes a deeper look at LGBT life in Cuba and pursuing your dream.

Spanish with English subtitles. Don’t be scared of foreign film. You can do it. This is worth it.

Available now, MagnoliaPictures.com Amazon.com ★★★★★

Women He’s Undressed Aussie director Gillian Armstrong (My Brilliant Career, Little Women) documents the career of Hollywood costume designer “Jack” Orry-Kelly.

The entertaining documentary also showcases tidbits of delicious “kiss and tell” gossip about leading ladies, and hinting at the exact nature of his relationship with nineyear “roommate” Cary Grant. Additionally, OrryKelly’s highs and lows (like alcoholism) are laid bare. Angela Lansbury, Jane Fonda, movie expert Leonard Maltin and others who knew him recount tales of his genius.

Curiously, occasional bizarre, emotive, theatrically staged enactments about his life interrupt an otherwise stellar doc. If you love classic old Hollywood movies, glamour and fashion, this is a “must.”

Available now at WolfeVideo.com on DVD/VOD, Vimeo On Demand, Amazon, iTunes ★★★★☆ September 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 65

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Frights & Frats Other People

Starring: Molly Shannon, Jesse Plemons, Bradley Whitford Struggling comedy writer David (Plemons, Friday Night Lights) hits a rough patch. After a bitter breakup with his boyfriend, he visits Sacramento and stays to help care for his dying, cancer stricken mother, (Shannon, SNL, Me and Earl and the Dying Girl). David’s conservative, religious family members—including a homophobic father— complicates things. A hit at Sundance Film Festival, expect plenty of humor with devastating drama. Shannon’s performance is stellar, and word is that flamboyant teen J.J. Totah (Glee) steals the show.

Opens September 9

Blair Witch

Starring: largely unknown actors, like the first one. And where are they now?

It was a dark and stormy night ... 20 years since Jenny disappeared in the haunted woods with a troop of unsuspecting fellow students. Flash forward to another group of now very suspecting students decide to help her brother James find her when new

annoying, shaky, handheld video surfaces. A pair of locals guide the gang through the spooky woods. Mistake. Big mistake.

Opens September 16

GOAT

Starring: Nick Jonas, Ben Schnetzer, James Franco The dark side of Animal House and Guys Gone Wild on steroids with beer. Lots of beer. Fraternities aren’t just about panty raids and the toga parties anymore. No. Oh no.

After being assaulted over the summer, Brad (Schnetzer, Pride) starts college and pledges with the Phi Sigma Mu fraternity where his brother, Brett, (Jonas, Scream Queens) is BMOC. Predictably, Hell Week brings out the worst in everyone when hazing starts.

No stranger to rowdy, boozy, joint-laden collegiate party flicks, (Spring Breakers), the film’s producer James Franco appears as a Phi Sig alum, but critics say don’t expect any homoerotic elements. What?

With Nick Jonas in the picture?

We’ll be the judge of that.

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House of Tricks

t’s “Back to School!” Tempe, Tucson and Flagstaff are bustling with returning students. We grabbed our North Face backpacks (so we’d blend in) and hightailed it to downtown Tempe to grab a bite on the way to our pretend Western Civ 101 Class.

Now, when I say, “House of Tricks” you might be thinking of all the cute blondes, brunettes or guys with tattoos in your place at the same time. Not this time.

Since 1987 this House of Tricks (the namesake of owners Robert & Robin Trick) has been a destination in a cozy, vintage bungalow with lush, garden seating available—usually with a lot of “Ladies Who Lunch” kibbutzing.

didn’t thrill us. However, the warm, punchy grits splashed with the bisque saved the day (but not quite $14 worth).

Lettuce entertain you! If you’re looking for garden fresh leafy greens, a clear winner is the Red Wine Marinated Beef Tenderloin, Tuscan Kale and Arugula Salad with roasted fennel, purple fingerling potatoes, blue & blackberries, goat cheese crumbles, and almonds with caramelized onion vinaigrette. Generous, big, succulent chunks of fork-tender beef nestle amongst the salad’s co-stars. The roasted fennel won our hearts. $14

The menu changes quarterly to bring a few seasonal surprises to the table.

The current menu is fresh, light and summery, with a full selection of Nature’s bounty.

Our lunch started with Three Large Tiger Shrimp, black peppercornscallion grits and shrimp bisque.

The kitchen generously added one extra shrimp since they weren’t at all “large.”

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Plentiful, while conjuring up an enchanting mixture of flavors with no voodoo, it amazed us all for only $14.

If a sandwich is calling your name, it better be the Asian Pork Tenderloin ‘Banh Mi.’ This ‘wich is garnished with pickled carrots, daikon, napa cabbage, jalapeño, onion, cilantro and Sriracha aioli on a French baguette with Sesame Green Bean Salad. This exotic, spiced sandwich will delight for only $12.

The House of Tricks has real magic up their sleeve. We dove into speciality, the Grilled Salmon and spring lettuce, sweet roasted peppers, cherry tomatoes, avocado, chive risotto cake, tortilla strips and chipotle grapefruit vinaigrette.

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The dinner menu looks just as luscious, but add a few bucks more to the tab, of course.

House of Tricks has plenty of magic in the kitchen. Taste the “Abracadabra” for yourself. It’s all over the menu.

House of Tricks 114 E. 7th St. in Tempe phone: 480-965-1114 For full menus & hours go to HouseOfTricks.com

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Awarded

“Best Salon in the West” Sophisticate’s Hairstyle Guide

602.216.1616

1940 E. Camelback, Phoenix

Present this ad for 50% Off your first visit Phoenix • Roxboro • Puerto Vallarta

By Deon Brown. Photos by Scotty Kirby.

C

“ alling all Drag Queens and Kings, Strippers, Break-dancing Midgets, out-of-work Comedians, Motivational Twerkers, Bearded Ladies, Competitive Eaters, Straight Men in their Girlfriend’s Clothes, Dick Jugglers, Contortionists, Catholic Priests and Lesbian Lumberjacks!”

Word’s out about the underground party, “We Three Queens.” The salacious monthly event is described as a twisted “queer dance party/drag show/antipageant/orgy/Bible study group from

Hell!” by co-creator/Bearded Lady in Residence Miss Vera Saucy as the selfdescribed “Hostess with Moistest Tuck.”

“I love the ability to attract different, creative people who are all on the same vibe,” squealed Miss Saucy. “It’s amazing seeing so many beautiful people in the same place to create an experience—not just a party. I want to inspire people to be themselves and be able to embrace their artistry.” (continued next page) September 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 73

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Miss Saucy’s partner-in-crime, co-promoter, DJ, Queen Wrangler and humpy huckster is Symon Benjamin. “We don’t want people to edit themselves at our party,” Symon encourages. “I like drag queens who like to do weird things—not just some bitch in a pant suit.” Well, you won’t find one here.

Coming all the way from the barrios of Mesa, get ready for some hot ‘n’ spicy entertainment from the contributing queen Holly Peña Popper. “I really wanted to do a drag party and give all the weirdos in Phoenix a stage to do whatever they wanted. I love getting to see all the queens who don’t have a stage to perform the chance to show off everything ... and I mean everything.”

So alluring. So beguiling. So tempting ... All the way from America’s Ashtray—Las Vegas, Nevada, comes Phoenix ex-pat, Miss Buffy Rimview.

“I love being able to express my true art here. This party happened when I discovered there was nothing for us like this in Phoenix.” Buffy confided, “I like to be naked, personally.”

Feel like you’ve got a freak hiding inside your closet? The Queens have an open stage “antipageant.” Get ready, because it ain’t sugarcoated like America’s Got Talent.

“Do you have a moderately entertaining talent? We wanna see what you’ve got! Make us gag, Make us puke, make us wet our panties! Show us something we’ve never seen before,” coaxes Vera Saucy. “Come ready to slay with one song or mix on a CD. Vera Saucy September 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 75

And don’t come with that Top 40 bullshit—the weirder the better!”

The winner will receive a custom-made full body harness from VeraSaucy.com worth $100 plus other lovely prizes to be decided.

The Three Queens (and sexy Symon, of course) encourage party goers to, “Dig in that dumpster, find some trash-bags, playing cards, dildos, inflatable rafts, used maxi-pads, watermelon rinds, colostomy bags, a broken toothbrush, then tape that shit on your body and turn out a look, queen!” Their words. Not ours.

The next party’s them is “The Sticky Hot Me$s Edition” on Saturday, September 24. Scantily clad attire is strongly recommended. This freak-fest is be held in the secret downtown Phoenix event space.

Exact address will be posted on Facebook the night of the event.

Search Facebook for “We Three Queens” or visit VeraSaucy.com for more scandal and info.

“Let’s get fuckin’ weird!” screams Vera Saucy.

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September 2016

Vol. 10, Issue 7

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

Olympic Swimmer Lochte Checks Into DoucheOUTRAGEOUS! Canoe Rehab Clinic

OUTRAGEOUS!

Charlotte, N.C. – Publicist for Olympic vandalism to a Rio de Janeiro business, lying and habitual assholeism has turned the tide of Men’s Swimming champion and first public opinion away from him. class tool, Ryan Lochte, announced the 32-year-old Olympian will be checking “He’s been diagnosed as a real jabronie,” said into a rehabilitation clinic for chronic douchebaggerie. oneIS anonymous clinician. ACCIDENTAL “He’s a tool. It may ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH TRAGICALLY be a direct result from staring at a black line underwater for years. We’re hoping for at “In an effort to curb my shitty behavior, ruining my reputation and that of those least a partial recovery, although it’s highly doubtful. surrounding me,” read Lochte’s statement to the press, “I have been a total ass-wipe, embarrassing my team and my country, Lochte, who hoped to copyright the word America, which is part of the United States.” “jeah” he made up a few years ago, is optimistic. “What I was always good at was letting things go through one ear and out the Lochte, who is not quite as good at swimming as Olympic hero Michael Phelps, other,” he said. “For those who understood, no is sadly mistaken. Treating women poorly, need to explain,” the dickhead said.

OUTRAGEOUS!

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OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

Hillary’s New Rag Mag Chappaqua, NY – Secretary Hillary Clinton’s campaign to move back into 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. means she’ll be needing bigger closets–and magazine racks, too. Clinton’s fashion style is partial to pantsuits.

and the women who wear them.

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

“Pantsuits are more than just a fashion choice,” said Mrs. Clinton.

“Pantsuits are a lifestyle.”

The magazine will incorporate pantsuit pictorials, “Hillary’s a a pantsuit advice ANY RESEMBLANCE TO trendsetter” said column, and stories ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE THE TRUTH TRUTHISISTRAGICALLY TRAGICALLYACCIDENTAL ACCIDENTAL one anonymous about pantsuits insider. “Pantsuits called, “Pantsuit are all the rage. I’m Retrospective.” wearing one right now!”

The magazine will appear on shelves Mrs. Clinton is the in November. new publisher of Pantsuit Quarterly.

All pantsuits. All the time. About pantsuits

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL FREE TO LISTEN AND REPLY TO ADS Free Code: IONAZ

FIND REAL GAY MEN NEAR YOU Phoenix:

(602) 993-4567

Tucson:

(520) 791-2345 www.megamates.com 18+

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ummer will be over before you know it. I decided to take a peek through my inbox, and share some of the best seasonal dilemmas. Hunties, when the weather is serving you some serious heat rash realness, instead of reaching for your expired tube of dollar store Cortisone cream ... reach for this month’s installment of Favorite Bitch®.

convinced he’s into guys. How do I know for sure?

— Bethany Dear Worry More About Who’s Gonna Anchor YOUR Love Boat, If you need to know that bad, smuggle yo’ ass onto the ship and find out.

Once aboard, follow the sultry sound of EDM that leads to the lower deck. If you see your little brother swallowing something that ain’t a JELL-O shot, Dear Miss Tiger, chances are it’s not just a summer job ...

I usually only date white dudes but I went and he likes the eggplant! to Mexico and started seeing a guy from Dear Miss Tiger, there. He’s visiting me here in Phoenix and we’ve spent the whole summer I got my heart busted up during summer together. My boo is in the closet and vacation. I fell for Shawna, who left me still getting used to gay clubs. I thought and now all I can do is cry. Got any advice he would be a better dancer once he for a sad country lesbian? got comfortable going out. He has a big — Lacey in Apache Junction butt but doesn’t know how to work it on the dance floor. I realize he’s new to the Dear Be Thankful She Busted Up Your scene and all, but where’s his mueve la Achey Breaky Heart And Not Your Face, colita? Please help me, Tía!

Lacey, I’m gonna give it to ya like your — Máximo grandmommy would: Dear “All That And A Bag Of Chips” A heart is like underwear. It gets used (But No Salsa), quickly, permanently stained and shit on time and time again, but after a good Sounds likes your boo is a Big Mac wash, it’s as good as new! without the special sauce.

Need advice? Write, Tweet or Facebook Oh, and by the way—you’ve been eatin’ burgers with the same ol’ dried-up white me and get the answers you’ve been buns for so long, that you wouldn’t know looking for, Hunty! how to appreciate his special sauce anyway.

MISS TIGER Dear Miss Tiger,

Advice Columnist • SiriusXM radio personality ... and everyone’s #FAVORITEBITCH

I think my little brother is gay because every summer he works as a bartender on gay cruise ships. He denies it, but I’m

Website FavoriteBitch.com Facebook /MissTiger Advice ask@misstiger.com

NEXT!

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by Addison DeWitt

A Last month I crawled from party to party in a pool of my own vomit, getting all wasteypants just so I can tattle on you. It’s C tough work, but if I don’t, I just stay home and start spreading rumors about you to my dog. Your call.

You probably read in this issue of ION that the monthly soirée “We Three Queens” is the most fabulous and freakiest show West of the Mrs. Sippi.

I knew it was gonna be fun with Cameron Fletcher (A) at the door. Yes, I actually E even squealed, I was so excited! I was expecting a showdown in the OK Corral when I spotted My Friend Flicka, seXrated stallion Jaziell “Leather Pony” Sandoval (B) galloping around. Crazy “Coraline” lookalike Chance Gullón (C) poured plenty of Sprite for the ohso-tempting Ben Whitneybell, (D) who just may be “The Handsomest Man In Town.™” He can “ring my bell” anytime.

Seems like a lot of “Whitneys” are

around town.

Here’s another: It was a great big “Holiday” at Stacy’s @ Melrose for Brian Whitney (he doesn’t have a “bell”) (E) took one day out of life to celebrate B everybody’s favorite Material Girl’s birthday by licking everything “Madonna.”

It was, well ... “Erotic.”

D (“Erotic. Erotic. Put your hands all over my body.”) True to Madge’s legacy, Barbra Seville scandalized not-so-decent society when she made her own special kind of “Confession on a Dance Floor” while cranking up her fuzz box (F) for one very astonished audience. It was all very sensual, folks.

Licking. Fingerblasting.

Everyone had an orgasm.

It’s a wild world out there, folks.

Who wants to get wasteypants with me this month? It’ll be fun!

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he planets are into some heavy duty shizzle, guaranteed to keep you on your astrological toes. Mercury’s inferior conjunction with the Sun on the 13th brings insights from the past to present issues.

Expect balance with the Autumnal Equinox on the 22nd and a conflict will be healed.

(Was it your fault? C’mon. Admit it, now.)

The 26th marks Jupiter’s conjunction with the Sun giving us all a lift and puts some extra pep in our step. Mercury retrograde ends on the 22, make time to set goals, dates and appointments.

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20 This is a good time to reign in some of your wild, free-wheeling ways. Consider practicing a little self-discipline. That isn’t exactly a trademark of yours. You know it’s true. Right?

Taurus April. 21 - May 20 You’re going to reap the benefit of past experience! It’s all very exciting! The manifestation of some hard work comes to fruition. Keep your eyes open so that you can appreciate it when it happens Gemini May 21 - June 21 You know what’s great about you?

Motivation. You always have lots of it. This is a great time to channel that energy into a specific project or goal, because you’re often willy-nilly with stuff like this.

Cancer June 22 - July 22 A recent contretemps with a friend or loved one spins out of control. One of you is being a bitch about it, not saying exactly who.

Have faith that an agreement is possible.

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22 You’re known for your ability as a brave warrior. The equinox, a solar and lunar eclipse throw your life strategies off. You need to accept a battle lost without playing the victim. Sucks, but it’s okay.

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Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22 Take advantage of an opportunity that falls in your lap. You’ve had this chance before, but you keep ignoring it because that’s just what you do. Don’t be a ding-a-ling. Just do it, for crying out loud. If it’s your birthday, you should expect some good news and get out of something like a traffic ticket.

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22 The equinox heightens your quest for equanimity and justice. It’s a kind of cathartic angst for you, while it drives others crazy. If it’s your birthday you’ll be a kind of authority figure. It’s a little bizarre.

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23 With the Autumnal Equinox you’ll embark on a new project, setting important boundaries with others that make them say, “Wow! They aren’t as crazy as I thought they were!”

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23 You’re supremely idealistic about your love life, thanks to Jupiter. This idealism bleeds into your family and business life, too.

Suddenly, you’re passionately desired by all.

Not a bad position to be in.

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20 The Sun is challenging your personal affairs, due to the Equinox and a couple of eclipses.

Now is the time to use those “excellent organizational skills” you brag about on your résumé.

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 Quit over intellectualizing everything. You’re charming. You’re smart. We know! But give us a break!. You will be sought to puzzle out a difficult situation for someone else, which is kind of odd.

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20 The wild stars and planetary perambulations in the sky lay bare some pecuniary issues you’re having. Money. Practice thrift. Saving those dollars and cents makes Mercury happy. Trust us.