ION Arizona #182

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BODY PAINT CHALLENGE with Eddie Broadway

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THE ROCK

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UNITED FOR PULSE

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STACY’S @ MELROSE

SEE MORE GREAT PICTURES AT IONAZ.COM

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CARNAVAL LATINO with Chi Chi DeVayne

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KARAMBA

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BROADWAY BRUNCH

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LOS DIABLOS

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GET WET POOL PARTY

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ONE N TEN DWTB FUNDRAISER

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CELIA PUTTY’S FREAKY FRIDAY

Safe

OUT

Be you this semester.

Don’t compromise your safety or who you are for others.

You don’t need drugs to be yourself.

#BeSafeOut www.facebook.com/safeout www.lgbtqconsortium.com

GBTQ L Consortium

This program is funded through Mercy Maricopa Integrated Care.

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PLAZMA

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LADY & THE TRAMPS

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CRUISIN’ 7th

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830 N. 1st Ave., Unit 203 Phoenix, AZ 85003 (602) 308-4662 www.IONAZ.com ionarizona@me.com PUBLISHER / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero ............................................ jacktesorero@me.com

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ..................................................... kbushaw@me.com EDITOR Deon Brown ................................................... ionazeditor@me.com COPY EDITOR .......................................................... Austin Head GRAPHIC DESIGNER ......................................... Angel Jimenez PRODUCTION & ARTWORK SUBMISSIONS

ionazproduction@me.com

ADVERTISING SALES Jack Tesorero ............................................................ (602) 750-1164

jacktesorero@me.com

PHOTOGRAPHERS:

Fernando Hernandez Franklin Diaz Scotty Kirby NATIONAL ADVERTISING REPRESENTATIVE Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 CONTRIBUTORS:

Addison DeWitt C. Edwards Ted Kirby

Peter Lora Paul Sanchez Miss Tiger

Published monthly by

1995-2016: 21 Years of Design and Creative Excellence © 2016 JMT Designs, Inc.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.

NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company.

Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

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Head for the Hills W

hen I was a child, local newscasters were my idols. They were celebrities.

When I was in the second grade, a handsome male newscaster and his camera crew came to our school and did a story about our classroom. I had a decision to make: do I continue my school work so my parents can see me working hard or do I join the group of kids all trying to get near the newsman and get on TV? I stuck to my schoolwork. I regret my decision. After school I ran home and turned on the news to see if I was on it. (I wasn’t.)

Back then, the local news reporters were mostly White, always straight. Things have come a long way. Today, we have news channels with people from diverse backgrounds, of all ages and some of them just happen to be members of the LGBT community. In fact, there are openly gay newscasters at just about every local news network. We sat down with Bryan West and Nico Santos, both from Channel 12. With their network’s blessing, we were invited behind the scenes at their downtown Phoenix studios. What a blast!

Check out the interview and photo feature on page 64.

Speaking of celebrities, who hasn’t dreamed about what life would be like in Los Angeles? The Los Angeles Tourism & Convention Board invited our “celebrity editor” Deon Brown on a trip to the City of Angels (and a few devils!) They wined and dined him through that magical town

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commonly referred to as “L.A.” where he scouted out the “Best of Everything” to give you a few ideas what to do in downtown LA and Hollywood. Los Angeles is just a short drive or quick flight from most of Arizona; If you haven’t been there lately, August is a great time to go–but be sure to come back!

We’re gonna get all of you L.A.’d on page 39.

Last month, Stacy’s @ Melrose, hosted a fundraiser for the victims of the horrific tragedy in Orlando earlier this summer. With the help from two employees from Pulse Nightclub and many generous people, they raised an additional $20,000.

Many local networks covered the event and it was streamed live. Thank you, Stacy Louis, and everyone who attended and donated.

As the summer heat lingers on and we lose some friends to cooler climates (like Los Angeles), us die hards hunker down and enjoy all this oasis in the desert has to offer.

This month, don’t miss one•n•ten’s annual “Dancing with the Bars” competition August 7 at the Tempe Center for the Arts. Good luck to ION’s Christopher Tong and his amazing instructor Diona Peltcs and all the contestants!

Stay cool, stay positive and get out and have some fun!

Jack Tesorero Future Celebrity

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The

Phoenix Heatwave is SCORCHING HOT! photos by Fernando Hernandez

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T

he Phoenix Heatwave has been a vital part of the Phoenix LGBT scene for a decade now, providing a great outlet for people who love music (they dance to a lot more than country), line dancing, socializing and fundraising.

Rocky Camin became the team captain in December, 2015, but he’s been an integral part of it since they started.

“We formed originally in 2008 as the Arizona Heatwave. Our mindset and mission was a little different back in the day. We traveled to several line dance competitions—yes, those exist— and participated in a few rodeos, too,” Rocky remembers. “After a one-year hiatus in 2011, the Phoenix Heatwave was set aflame again and we’ve been burning strong ever since.”

Everyone who’s part of Heatwave brings a little extra “fire” to the floor. Anybody eager to participate, learn and be part of a team are encouraged to join.

“All of the dancers come from various backgrounds. Some of us danced with other teams in the past, while others are brand new to this art form,” Rocky said. “We welcome everyone with open arms if their talent fits. We all work equally hard to produce the final results visible at our performances.”

Like anything you’re passionate about, it takes lots of passion.

“We’re 100% volunteer, so all of our time is dedicated and the money spent on travel comes out of our own pockets and through fundraising. (cont’d next page) From top left, clockwise: Travis Morris, Wes Scruggs, Rocky Camin, Chris Taylor, Alyssa Goldstein, Alaric Hutchinson, Allie Puerner, Jason Teed and Sherri Franklin August 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 33

We were looking for ways to explore our talents and take this idea on the road.”

Practice makes perfect.

Friendships are forged on the floor, traveling and competing, too.

“Practicing has its fair share of ups and downs; however, when we get to travel to

perform for new audiences it always brings joy and a sense of accomplishment to the team.

We’ve formed great bonds through our travels and our hotel rooms could probably tell a completely different story about us,” Rocky laughs.

Audiences love watching The Phoenix Heatwave. It’s even more exciting to be part of it. Everyone has a chance to join in the fun. (cont’d next page) From Left to Right: Sherri Franklin, Jason Teed, Rocky Camin, Alyssa Goldstein, Wes Scruggs, Allie Puerner, Chris Taylor, Alaric Hutchinson, and Travis Morris.

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“Our mission is to inspire the art of line dancing, one performance at a time. If our audiences are able to build up the courage to try even one line dance, our goal has been met,” Rocky continued. “We hold auditions and bring on the best assshakers we can find. In addition to knowing how to line dance and stick to specific choreography, we also need the team to be showy and exciting! Dancing is fun; it’s a great workout, you get to meet new people, and you can’t help but smile and laugh.”

Things are looking hot for The Phoenix Heatwave this autumn.

“This October we’re planning a return visit to San Francisco for their annual line dance convention, Sundance Stompede.

It features a bunch of dancing fools who geek out over learning new grapevine variations and just how to maintain proper dancing lines.”

Everyone’s invited to watch The Phoenix Heatwave in action. “We’re always looking for new venues to show our work and get people excited about the dance community,” Rocky enthused. “We hope to see you on the dance floor!”

The Phoenix Heatwave performs regularly at Charlie’s as well as Pride festivals and AGRA rodeo events.

They also fundraise to benefit local non-profit human rights and equality organizations. Let them inspire you to be part of it! Visit PhoenixHeatwave. com for more information.

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RoadHouse Cinemas

Check out Arizona’s only locally owned and operated, first-run, dine-in movie theater. Wine, dine and recline!

Catch new releases here, plus they’ve got a tasty menu created by award-winning chef, a full bar, wine, Arizona craft beer, and comfy recliners. Tired of high ticket prices? Don’t miss $6 Tuesdays! For movie listings and more, visit RoadHouseCinemas.com.

9090 E. Indian Bend Rd. in the Scottsdale Pavilions. Get your coupons in ION Arizona.

(Check out the ad page 56)

FLEX Spas Phoenix BBQ

Relax and hang out with the boys, get an all-over tan, and enjoy a casual poolside barbeque! Get your hamburgers and all the fixin’s every Sunday from 1 p.m.-4 p.m. And just wait ‘til you try the hot dogs! Feelin’ lucky? Maybe you’ll get a footlong! The barbeque happens at FLEX Spas Phoenix, 1517 S. Black Canyon Hwy. in Phoenix. FLEXspas.com 602-271-9011. (See ad on p. 99 for weekly specials)

Dancing With The Bars

Tango, Foxtrot, West Coast Swing, Samba, Chacha ... maybe even the Lambada, the “Forbidden Dance!” Catch your favorite bartender or LGBT community personality tearing up the dance floor while they raise money for one•n•ten on Sunday, August 7 at Tempe Center for the Arts, 700 W. Rio Salado Pkwy in Tempe. For details & tickets go to OnenTen.org/DWTB (See ad on p. 53)

Traffic Light Party

Do you have the right of way? Be sure to signal, and look out for cops, baby! You might find yourself on the Freeway of Love! It’s a Traffic Light Party! Red = Taken. Yellow = Maybe.

Single = Green. Grind your gears with DJ Solo and hot gogo boys! It’s all on Saturday, August 13 at BS West, 7125 E. 5th St. in Scottsdale. 480-945-9025. BSwest.com.

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“Open-Minded” Wedding & Honeymoon Expo

Planning on getting hitched? Tying the knot? Make it special!

It all starts here for future brides and grooms of every orientation. Merchants and suppliers with cakes, tuxedos, gowns, flowers and honeymoon packages will be on hand, Sunday, August 21 at the Arizona Grand Resort and Spa, 8000 Arizona Grand Pkwy. (near South Mountain.) For more information visit OpenMindedExpo. com (See ad on p. 22)

AUGUST 2016 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE EVENT LOCATION CITY Daily First Run Movies Roadhouse Cinemas Scottsdale Thursdays Comedy Night Cruisin’ 7th Phoenix Weds Wet & Wild with Chris The Rock Phoenix Wed + Sat Wild Men of the West Cruisin’ 7th Phoenix Fridays Live Music “Kruisin’ with Kenny” Cruisin’ 7th Phoenix Saturdays Male Review Plazma Phoenix Sundays Poolside BBQ FLEX Spa Phoenix Sundays Rock’n Bodies Review The Rock Phoenix 6 Hell Freezes Over Charlie’s Phoenix 6-13 Phonebank for Protections for Gay & Trans People syado@freedomforallamericans.org 6-21 Olympic Games Broadcast Los Diablos Phoenix 7 Dancing With The Bars Tempe Ctr. for the Arts Tempe 11 Comedy Triage Cruisin’ 7th Phoenix 12 Carlos Montufar’s Cafe Flamenco AZ Latino Arts & Cultural Center - PHX 12 Carlos Montufar’s Cafe Flamenco AZ Latino Arts & Cultural Center - PHX 13 Traffic Light Party BS West Scottsdale 13 AZ Mr. Leather Club Night Anvil Phoenix 13 Safari Party Charlie’s Phoenix 14 Barbra Seville’s AIDS Walk Kickoff Los Diablos Phoenix 19-20 Blackout Bash Dick’s Cabaret Phoenix 19 Conjunto Poder Karamba Phoenix 19 Pups & Handlers Night Anvil Phoenix 20 Blue Comedy Show Cruisin’ 7th Phoenix 20 Saturday Night Blackout Party Anvil Phoenix 21 Open Minded Wedding Expo AZ Grand Resort Phoenix 22 3-Week Karaoke Contest Karamba Phoenix 22 High Heel Bingo Kobalt Phoenix 25 RPDR All Stars Premier Partys The Rock, Kobalt, Los Diablos 27 Superhero Party Charlie’s Phoenix 27 12th Anniversary Party Karamba Phoenix SEPTEMBER 3 Dance Party with DJ Quinton Stacy’s @ Melrose Phoenix 4 Beer Pong / Game Nght Los Diablos Phoenix 5 Carnaval Latino Karamba Phoenix August 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 39

GETTING

by Deon Brown

L.A.’d O

ver 200 years ago, El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora la Reina de Los Ángeles del Rio Porciúncula was a sleepy little mission town with only 44 settlers. Today Los Angeles is four million strong. Swimmin’ pools! Movie stars! Our next door neighbor invited ION Arizona to explore the City of Angels. Here’s a few new and different ideas we have for you. Start packing, sweetheart! You’re gettin’ L.A.’d ... ION style!

Out & About Tours Start here! Explore LA: the Land of Fruits and Nuts!

Together with The Lavender Effect, Out & About Tours will show you LA’s LGBTQ history all over the city.

Gossipy, glamorous, bitchy and swishy! A variety of smart, informative and fun tours just for you starting at only $30. So worth it!

TheLavenderEffect.org • 844-Gay-Tour August 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM

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Biltmore Millennium Since 1923 the Biltmore has been the epitome of class. The Spanish and Italian Renaissance Revival style hotel hosted everyone from Gloria Swanson to The Beatles. The Biltmore’s bar welcomed discreet gay men who cruised notorious nearby Pershing Square long ago. They’ll welcome you, too. Rates in August start around $200 per night. Worth it.

506 S. Grand Ave. • 214-624-1011 MillenniumHotels.com/LA Biltmore Millenium

Grand Central Market A landmark since 1917, they’ve been selling fresh produce, meats, seafood and cuisine from around the world. Today, the market features over 40 stalls. Start with G&B Coffee (pictured here) or Egg Slut in the morning and let Press Brothers Juicery wet your whistle!

317 S. Broadway • 213-624-2378 GrandCentralMarket.com

Bar Mattachine Named for one of the earliest gay rights organizations from the 1950s, this new 2-level downtown bar recalls a chic, sexy, updated speakeasy with some fierce beats at night.

Hint: Cocktails, anyone? Try the “Pershing Square Fizz.” Handsome, friendly owner Garrett McKechnie is often on hand pouring the hard stuff. Celeb bee-yotch Jackie Beat makes special appearances.

Attitude-free, you just might never leave.

Well, not until 2 a.m., anyway.

221 W. 7th St. • 323-481-0585 Facebook.com/BarMattachine 42

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DOWNTOWN Bottega Louie

This très chouette café serves breakfast, lunch, dinner and weekend brunch. With over 100 exquisite desserts and pastries, they’re famous for their magnifique macaróns—making 5,000 of those mauvais garçons daily.

Mind your manners, and don’t worry about the price tag ... not too much, anyway. Coming soon to Santa Monica Blvd. in West Hollywood.

700 S. Grand Ave. • 213-802-1470 • BottegaLouie.com

Bottega Louie

One National Gay & Lesbian Archives Discover PRIDE history! It was founded as a radical gay political organization, it stands for Personal Rights in Defense and Education. This is the largest repository of LGBTQ materials in the world! Vintage lesbian and gay pulp fiction, historic newsletters, magazines, books (even porn!), plus art displays and special exhibits.

909 W. Adams Blvd. • 213-821-2771 • ONEarchives.org

Archives

Don’t Miss Perch • Enjoy live jazz, cocktails & dinner plus unparalled 360° views of downtown LA. 448 S. Hill St. • PerchLA.com

Perch

Pitchoun! • From casual snacks to a full menu in this darling, rustic French café at the foot of the Biltmore.

545 S. Olive St. • PitchounBakery.com BS Taqueria • Think you know tacos? You don’t. This is a “must” ... even for us Arizona taco connoisseurs.

514 W. 7th St. • BStaqueria.com The Last Bookstore • Read any good books lately?

New, used, rare, comics, records. Everything.

This bookstore is one of the best in the world.

453 S. Spring St. • LastBookstoreLA.com

Pitchoun!

Spring • Fresh, casual, distinctively French bistro with seasonal fare without the fussy attitude.

257 S. Spring St. • SpringLos Angeles.com August 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 43

Spring

Mama Shelter LA

Mama Shelter LA

Come to Mama! French chic meets California cool. This slightly kooky, hip, European boutique hotel is a Tinseltown gem, just scant minutes away from everywhere. You’re might even be discovered: hey, it’s Hollywood!

Rooms at this happening urban kibbutz are only about $200 a night.

6500 Selma Ave. at Wilcox.

323 785-6666 • MamaShelter.com

Universal Studios Hollywood

Universal Studios

Movie magic! Visit Krustyland, Jurassic Park, Waterworld, or try your hand at casting spells at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. You gotta have butter beer at Diagon Alley. Expecto Patronum!

(Hint: Costco sells discounted tix.)

100 Universal City Plaza • 800-864-8377 UniversalStudiosHollywood

The Black Cat & Akbar In 1967, predating Stonewall, there was The Black Cat. The LAPD raided the Silver Lake bar, triggering one of the first LGBT demonstrations in the USA. Now this historic landmark is a classic gastropub serving breakfast, lunch, dinner & weekend brunch. A short walk away the rowdy, unpretentious watering hole Akbar serves a mean cocktail.

The Black Cat • 3909 Sunset Blvd. • 323-661-6369 • TheBlackCatLA.com Akbar • 4536 Sunset Blvd.

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GO WEST

The Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel Pool

Hustle up your AZ posse and go to the legendary Roosevelt Hotel. Artist David Hockney painted a multi-million dollar mural on the bottom of the pool. This posh pool deck is the perfect place to peacock and act all bougie with your besties. Or get a room, why don’cha? Ed Hardy-free zone.

7000 Hollywood Blvd. • TheHollywoodRoosevelt.com

Hollywood Roosevelt Pool

“Reigning Men: Fashion in Menswear 1715-2015” Dandies and dudes. Fops and fashion plates. This history of haberdashery examines 300 years of extravagance and elegance in the history of high fashion for men. This spectacular exhibit runs through August 21, so hurry!

Los Angeles County Museum of Art 5905 Wilshire Blvd. • LACMA.org/ReigningMen

Don’t Miss Getty Center

The Getty Center • Masterpieces, like Van Gogh’s Irises, are endless. See the Buddhist art of “The Cave Temples of Dunhuang” thru’ Sept. 4. Free! Reservations suggested.

1200 Getty Center Dr. • Getty.edu Hollywood Forever Cemetery • We guarantee you’ll see a celebrity ... even if they’re eternally “sleeping.” And Toto, too. Stars are “dying” to get in here. Free!

6000 Santa Monica Blvd. • HollywoodForever.com Mud Hen Tavern • Cozy, homey, with a global flair.

Hearty, robust to light and healthy. Don’t miss out on the Shrimp & Grits. Great prices won’t break the bank, either.

742 N. Highland Ave. • MudHenTavern.com For more info about everything LA check out DiscoverLosAngeles.com. Special thanks to MWWPR.com and Los Angeles Tourism & Convention Board at LAtourism.org

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RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars “Gentlemen ... start your engines!” What’s more fun than watching a bunch of professional drag queens slap, bite, scratch and claw their way to the top for a prize? And when it’s on television, the stakes are even higher for these bitches. Attend a viewing party of RuPaul’s Drag Race: All Stars at your favorite bar with the city’s top drag queens and watch the fur fly. Kobalt, The Rock and Los Diablos have the best seats in town. Because there’s booze, too, you know.

That makes it even better.

AUGUST 2016 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE TIME 8/3 8/7 2:00pm 8/10 8/14 3:00pm 8/16 Evening 8/22 8:00pm 8/25 7:00pm 8/25 7:00pm 8/25 7:00pm 9/4 8:00pm Mondays 10:00pm Tuesday 10:00pm Tuesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 10:30pm Wednesdays 10:00pm 1st & 3rd Thurs 9pm Thursdays 10:30pm Fridays 10:30pn Fridays 10:30 Fridays 9:00pm Fridays 9:00pm 2nd Saturday 9:30pm Saturdays 10:30pm Saturdays 10:00pm Saturdays 9:30pm Sundays 11:00am Sundays 8:30pm Sundays 7:00pm Sundays 10:30pm 3rd Sunday 2:00pm

LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S) Karamba Karime’s DWTB Fundraiser Cruisin’ 7th Excuse Our Beauty Revue Karamba Adriana’s Red Carpet Birthday Party Los Diablos Barbra Seville’s Wonderful 100 AIDS Walk AZ Kickoff Stacy’s @ Melrose Barbra Seville’s Madonna Birthday Party Kobalt High Heels Bingo with Olivia Gardens & Lezbein McKenzie Los Diablos RPDR All Stars Season Premier Viewing Party Kobalt RPDR All Stars Season Premier Viewing Party The Rock RPDR All Stars Viewing Party w/ Barbra Seville Los Diablos Are You Smarter than a Drag Queen Game Night Charlie’s Claudia B Hosts The Strip Factor Karamba Savannah Moussier’s Show BS West Stars Choice Talent Showcase Kobalt Garden Variety Revue with Olivia Gardens Karamba Karamba Girls - Adriana Galiano & Karime Lizaldi Charlie’s Nevaeh’s High Heels & Halos Cruisin’ 7th Camping Out with the Southern Belles Karamba Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds Cruisin’ 7th Nikki at Night with Nikki Knowles The Rock Special Event Rotating Drag Shows Plazma Freaky Fridays with Celia Putty BS West Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers Kobalt Celia Putty Cruisin’ 7th Lady Christian’s Lady & the Tramps The Rock The Barbra Seville Show Charlie’s Pussy’s Patio Show Los Diablos Show Tunes Sunday Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot & Friends BS West The Showgirl Follies Big Sexy Show Karamba Diamond’s Show Cruisin’ 7th “Big Sunday” with Big Booty Judy August 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 47

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NeNe Leakes

After eight years as one of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, this sassy sister became a hot commodity on TV. Catch her now on To Tell The Truth and E!’s Fashion Police. She brings it August 5-6 to StandUp Live Phoenix, 50 W. Jefferson. For tix go to StandUpLive.com or call 480-719-6100

Pageant

“She’s got something special!” Six showstopping contestants vie for the title of Miss Glamouresse in this “ballsy” beauty pageant.

We’re not kidding when we say that. The audience chooses the winner! This hilarious send-up is a “must see!” They put the “broads” in “Broadway!” August 26-September 18 at Arizona Broadway Theatre, 7701 W. Paradise Ln. in Peoria.

For tix go to AZbroadway.org or call 623-776-8400

King Charles III

After a lifetime of waiting, Prince Charles ascends to the throne with Camilla by his side. The style and structure of a Shakespearean play with modern verve, comedy and even a ghost. Presented by Arizona Theatre Company. TUCSON: 9/10-9/30 Temple of Music & Art, 330 S. Scott Ave. Tix: ArizonaTheatre.org or call 520-622-2823

AUGUST 2016 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE

EVENT

Thurs. Comedy Night 5-6 NeNe Leakes 11-13 Bert Kreischer 13 Phoenix Tonight 19 The Revival 20 Marc Maron 20 Blye Comedy Show thru 20 West Side Story 25 Rachel Feinstein 26 Storrs Objection: Art 26-9/18 Pageant 26-10/8 Drowsy Chaperone SEPTEMBER 2-17 Or 2-17 Velocity of Autumn 7-10/2 In the Heights 10-30 King Charles III 13-18 Cabaret

COMPANY

PHONE

Cruisin’ 7th StandUp Live - Phx StandUp Live - Phx Space 55 Theatre - Phx Space 55 Theatre - Phx StandUp Live - Phx Cruisin’ 7th Hale Theatre Arizona - Gilbert Tempe Improv Space 55 - Phx AZ B’way Theatre - Peoria Hale Theatre Arizona - Gilbert

602-212-9888 480-719-6100 480-719-6100 Space55.org Space55.org 480-719-6100 602-212-9888 480-497-1181 480-921-9877 Space55.org 623-776-8400 480-497-1181

SW Shakespeare Co. - Mesa iTheatre Collaberative - Phx Phoenix Theatre AZ Theatre Co-Tucson ASU Gammage - Tempe

480-644-6500 602-347-1071 602-254-2151 520-622-2823 480-965-3434

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Lost 80s

It’s all about the hair. And shoulder pads. Relive the magic of the 1980s with Flock of Seagulls, Men Without Hats and Modern English at the Tori Amphitheater at Casino del Sol, 5655 W. Valencia in Tucson. Need tix? Go to CasinoDelSol.com or call 800-344-9435.

Culture Club

Hey, Karma Chameleons! Boy George and the gang bring it all back live, on Tuesday, July 23 at the Celebrity Theatre, 44. N. 32nd St. in Phoenix. Get your tix at CelebrityTheatre.com or call 602-267-1600

Drake

Catch some Hotline Bling with sexy Drake and The Future on Tuesday, September 6 at Talking Stick Resort Arena, 201 E. Jefferson St. in Phoenix. TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000. HYFR!

AUGUST 2016 ION CONCERT CALENDAR DATE ARTIST 2 Weezer & Panic! At The Disco 2 Jacob Whitesides 3 Weird Al Yankovic 3 Duran Duran 7 Alabama Shakes 8 Lord Huron 10 Matishyahu 12 Jay Brannan 13 Bone Thugs-N-Harmony 13 Indigo Girls 15 Guns N’ Roses 16 & 17 Adele 19 Boys Like Girls 19 Ziggy Marley 19 Lost 80s 20 Slipknot, Marilyn Manson 21 Heart, Joan Jett, Cheap Trick 23 Culture Club 23 Coldplay 24 Snoop Dogg & more 25 The Go-Go’s 26 My2K Tour: 98 Degrees, O-Town 26 Alice Cooper SEPT 6 Drake & Future

LOCATION Ak-Chin Pavilion - Glendale Marquee Theatre - Tempe Comerica Theatre - Phoenix Gila River Arena - Phoenix Comerica Theatre - Phx Crescent Ballroom - Phx Marquee Theatre - Tempe Rebel Lounge - Phx Livewire - Scottsdale Rialto Theatre - Tucson Univ. of Phx. Stadium - Glendale Talking Stick Resort Arena - Phx Marquee Theatre - Tempe Rialto Theatre - Tucson Casino del Sol - Tucson Ak-Chin Pavilion - G’dale Ak-Chin Pavilion - G’dale Celebrity Theatre - Phx Gila River Arena - Glendale Ak-Chin Pavilion - G’dale Comerica Theatre - Phx Comerica Theatre - Phx Casino del Sol - Tucson

PHONE 800-745-3000 480-839-0707 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 602-716-2222 480-839-0707 TicketFly.com 480-970-1112 520-740-1000 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 480-839-0707 520-740-1000 800-344-9435 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 602-267-1600 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 800-344-9435

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Aural Fixation

by Peter Lora pintelonegro@gmail.com

Todrick Hall Straight

Outta Oz On the literal and figurative heels of Beyoncé and her visual album masterpiece LEMONADE, American Idol alum and Youtube medley maestro Todrick Hall released his own opus: the near hour long Straight Outta Oz, receiving 1.6 million views since it’s release Oz. Hall’s intricate medley arrangements are approved and applauded by the likes of Beyoncé, Taylor Swift and Ariana Grande.

Oz tells the story of a young dreamer who moves from dull Plainview, Texas to the shimmering city of ‘Oz Angeles.’ Hall tackles love with “Color,” heartbreak with “If I had a Heart” and social issues with “Water Guns.” Hall features his star studded squad, Jordin Sparks, Nicole Scherzinger and Jay Armstrong Johnson and Glee’s Amber Riley. RPDR alum Willam, Alaska and Kim Chi appear on the shopaholic rap anthem, “Expensive.” Hall’s vocals shine alongside Drag Race winner Bob the Drag Queen on “Wrong B*tch.”

It’s like Wicked meets Beyoncé’s “Flawless.” Available Now

Blood Orange

Freetown Sound Devonté Hynes, aka Blood Orange, like Linda Perry or SIA before him has become a goto contributor for those in the pop stratosphere. He’s composed pop confections for Kylie Minoque, Carly

Rae Jepsen and Britney, but also for ingenues in his own indie music realm, FKA twigs and Jessie Ware. Hyne’s third album under Blood Orange, in his own words, is about, “Being Black in England” (his home) and “Being Black in the America.”

Spoken word poetry and clips from movies and documentaries thread the album together. Hyne’s signature 80s electro-soul style on “Desirée” is interrupted by lines from the iconic queer documentary Paris is Burning. “Juicy 1-4,” “But You” and “Thank You” take cues from Michael Jackson’s and Culture Club’s 80s pop classics, “Human Nature” and “It’s a Miracle.”

Hynes mostly writes for or alongside women. On “E.V.P.” he steps aside and gives Debbie Harry the reigns; it’s a new “Rapture.” Perhaps the most beautiful track is a complete surprise with the haunting, “Hadron Collider.” Expect a ghostly vocal surprise with Nelly Furtado.

Freetown Sound is a masterpiece. “My album is for everyone told they’re not Black enough, too Black, too queer, not queer the right way … it’s a clapback.”

Available Now

THE DL SONGS TO DOWNLOAD ARTIST - “SONG” Jennifer Lopez - “Love Make the World Go Round” feat. Lin Manuel Miranda Sam Sparro - “Pharma Karma” Banks - “F*ck With Myself” Rihanna - “Sledgehammer” Britney Spears - “Make Me ...”

Katy Perry - “Rise” M.I.A. - “Go Off” Fergie - “M.I.L.F$” Jamila Woods - “VRY BLK” feat. Noname Aphex Twin - “CHEETAH2” Clams Casino - “A Breath Away” feat. Kelela August 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 53

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Chump & Champ The Bronze

(2016)

Starring: Cecily Rauch, Thomas Middleditch, Gary Cole, Haley Lu Richardson With Olympic Fever breaking out this month, this dramedy seems like a natural fit to be released for home viewing.

Former Olympic Girls Gymnastics bronze medalist Hope Annabelle Greggory (Rauch, Big Bang Theory) is still dining out on her faded celebrity after garnering the number three spot in the 2004 Olympics.

When Hope’s former coach commits suicide (always a funny plot twist), she stands to inherit $500,000 if she promises to train the coach’s Olympic hopeful Maggie (Richardson). (“I was on Dancing With The Stars! Not Dancing With The Coaches!”) Grudgingly, she accepts the job. Alliances and commitments shift, professionally, mentally and romantically. As with most things in life, money and pride get in the way.

Nebbishly dorky, yet weirdly sexy Middleditch (Silicon Valley) is uncomfortably winning as the love interest while Cole (VEEP, Office Space) seems miscast as Hope’s mailman dad.

just so disagreeable and unlikeable. And just not that funny.

Available August 2 on Amazon, Netflix, iTunes, or streaming services. Blu-ray & DVD $16.95 SRP ★★☆☆☆

Superstore, season one (2015) Starring: America Ferrera, Ben Feldman, Lauren Ash, Mark McKinney Attention shoppers! We have a “Blue Light Special” comedy series from NBC giving you value and insight into the exciting world of retail.

The work lives of the employees of the mythical “Big Box” store Cloud 9 in St. Louis are full of surprises.

Amy Dumboski (Ferrara, Ugly Betty and the show’s producer) dedicated the last ten years of her life to Cloud 9 in an attempt to advance up the big-box ladder.

Here, she clashes with new hire, Jonah (Feldman, Mad Men).

Secret Shoppers, shoplifting, racial sensitivity training, middle management jockeying for position and everything that makes retail so—retail-ish.

It’s a pleasure to see Ferrara again on TV. Feldman is brilliant. And hot. Nico Santos (Go-Go Boy Interrupted) shines as the gay, Filipino brown-noser, Mateo.

Season two is renewed, beginning Thursday, September 22 with a preview on Friday, August 19 during the Olympics.

Available now Amazon, Netflix, iTunes, or streaming services. August 23 on DVD $22.99 SRP

Like so many comedies today, (are you listening, Melissa McCarthy?) it’s hard to love a movie when some characters are ★★★★☆

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Songs & Sins Florence Foster Jenkins

Starring: Meryl Streep, Hugh Grant, Simon Helberg Meryl Streep delivers the worst performance ever.

That’s what makes it so magnificent.

There’s something to be said for the power of positive thinking, having so much faith in yourself, such belief in your own ability and talent—no matter what—that it’s, “Damn the torpedoes! Full steam ahead!”

This World War II era gem is based on the true story about tin eared heiress Florence Foster Jenkins (Streep, just about everything that’s good), who practiced “The Secret.” Her dream of singing grand opera was realized with the encouragement of her devoted scalawag of a husband, St. Clair Bayfield (Grant, Notting Hill), and accompanist, Cosmé McMoon (Helberg, The Big Bang Theory.) The only one little problem: Florence can’t carry a tune in a bucket.

(Don’t tell her that.)

The wealthy New York society doyenne’s “act” goes big time when she delivers a two and a half hour long recital at Carnegie Hall. Does she knock it out of the park, or do people see through the Empress’s imaginary new clothes?

Director Stephen Frears (The Queen,

Philomena) tackles this endearing and astonishing story about selfesteem, hope and love with subtle sensitivity, but with a keen eye for the obvious comedy it invites without overdoing it.

An ensemble film, Helberg’s coy, naïve, asexual Cosmé steals the show, but don’t overlook the too-brief, golden moments of Broadway star Nina Ariadne as the goldigging floozie Agnes Stark.

Everybody has a song inside of them. This is Florence’s.

Opens August 12

Ben-Hur

Starring: Jack Huston, Toby Kebbell, Morgan Freeman Adapted yet once again for the big screen from the epic 1880 novel, we find Judah Ben-Hur (Huston, Boardwalk Empire) accused of an attempted assassination. After doing hard time as a slave under those pesky Romans, he nuts up, exacting revenge by challenging his wicked, adoptive brother Messala (Kebbell, Warcraft), who betrayed him, to a chariot race. Random encounters with Jesus Christ change everything.

The 1959 Wyler epic is rife with gay overtones. Will this version have them?

Expect lots of stunning CGI, special effects and English accents—except from Sheik Ilderim (Freeman, Driving Miss Daisy). People often like to imagine God sounds like Freeman when he talks.

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W e love it when we’re “mooved” by a new restaurant with a great menu

Stock & Stable

and has something to offer. You know we wouldn’t want to “steer” you wrong.

We expected the newly opened Stock & Stable in the hip, happening compound called The Colony on 7th Street to be serving up plenty of old fashioned meat ‘n’ potatoes kind of grub. It ain’t necessarily so, pardner. There’s more than meets the eye. And mouth.

Stock & Stable isn’t the cow palace kind of steakhouse we were expecting despite the moniker, the bovine portraits adorning the wooden walls and the chic, modern, copper-ceiling tiled “saloon” feel it has. The name is a nod to the venerable, nearby Murphy Bridle path through the North Central Corridor. The smart, classy “gastropub” (a name that’s bandied around way too much these days, much like the “restobar” of the early 2000’s) is the incarnation of Chef Joe Absolor, formerly of The Clever Koi, Parlor and R&R.

beyond the “chuckwagon” fare you might be expecting with a name like that.

Consider starting with something from the “Shared Plates” offering. (You might not even want to share.) We tucked into the almost misleadingly labeled Pork n’ Beans. There’s no barbeque and it’s nothing like the Van de Camp’s you might be imagining. Served chilled, you get a generous plate of green beans, smoked onion cannellini bean purée, heirloom tomatos and guanciale—a slightly baconlike cured pork jowl (of which we wish there were more.) A hint of mint in the dressing brings out a burst of summer flavor. $12 More light and fresh shareables like Fruit Cocktail, Frutti di Mare, Roasted Cauliflower and more tempt you to return.

The Baby Gem Salad is a miniature reimagining of the classic Wedge

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BLT, Grilled Cheesburger, Crispy Chicken and Tuna are also up for grabs. Each come with your choice of frites or side salad.

Big appetites will love the Double-Cut Pork Chop topped with a warm compote of roasted peaches for $19. The sweet and tender chops satisfied, but could’ve been a tad bigger. You can also try Beer Butt Chicken, New York Steak, Swordfish or Trout.

Salad with five fist-sized halves of sweet lettuce with a tomato confit, shoepeg corn, almonds, a cheddar-y shopshire blue cheese with buttermilk vinaigrette.

A scattering of succulent pickled grapes will have you begging for more. $10.

There’s more than “meats” the eye at Stock & Stable. Pasta! We opted for the housemade Farfalle with Schreiner’s sausage, clams, shrimp, heirloom tomatoes and crispy artichoke. We loved it, but they skimped on the actual pasta.

Crostini provided gives you a chance to sop up the tasty broth. $14 Five sandwiches make it hard to choose, but you can’t go wrong with the Cubano.

Two slices of country bread are stuffed with a mouth-watering, tender pork shoulder smoked on the premises. Pad it with mortadella, provolone cheese, Tony Packo’s sweet-hot pickles (a to-die-for Ohio specialty that packs a punch. Get some at AJ’s) and dressed with yellow mustard. The succulent pork is $14.

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The menu changes here and there according to seasonal bounty, so you’ll want to check in from time to time.

Our summer dessert pick was a tasty, housemade Peach Shortbread with Whipped Cream.

The “fire water” cocktails on the menu won’t disappoint, but don’t miss out on the “secret” Honor Amongst Thieves speakeasy upstairs after 6 p.m. for some boozy fun.

Stock & Stable offers late night options for night owls and weekend brunch.

Feed ‘n’ supplies are locally sourced whenever possible from places like Noble Bread and Lux Central for pastries. Don’t miss their Social Hour with treats like Chili Cheese Curds, Deviled Egg Dip, and Philly Grilled Cheese.

All in all, it’s a right fine round-up at Stock & Stable.

Stock & Stable 5538 N. 7th St. at The Colony 602-313-1001 StockAndStable.com

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Shorts: Stories from Beneath the Rainbow T

he author behind the gay fiction darlings, The Fallen Angels of Karnataka, Willem of the Tafel and Living The Rainbow: A Gay Family Triptych, returns this summer with SHORTS: Stories From Beneath the Rainbow. This latest collection from Hans M. Hirschi is a tapestry of the LGBT experience, featuring stories that span the wide spectrum of personalities that together, make up the fabric of the LGBTQ community.

There is a dried up spinster, a Navajo dyke, a completely unfiltered twink, and more; all meant to show the humanity of the LGBTQ community and how, like heterosexuals, queer people struggle with self-esteem, fall in love, help others and fight to survive even the harshest of realities. ”The funny thing is that you could literally take any of the characters and completely remove the mention of their sexuality and they’d still be compelling and inspirational,” says Hirschi.

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husband Alex and three-year-old son, Sascha. “Living with a man was a stretch goal and never would I have imagined being able to get married and have children with him. Never! I realize how extremely fortunate I am due to the strength and perseverance of the LGBTQ heroes that came before me. I feel an obligation to give back a little, to bring hope to those who have none, with stories of love that depict a bright future for the next generations of LGBTQ people.”

Each story in SHORTS: Stories From Beneath the Rainbow carries a special and unique message. From “The Kiss”, which recounts a Somali refugee who experiences his first same-sex kiss to “The Loner”, a reflection of how the gay community looks at middle aged men (not a pretty picture); every story manages to look at LGBTQ life from a different angle and perspective.

Alex, a story about a trans doctor who rescues the life of an adolescent, aims to encourage readers to remove labels of he or she. “Trans is a very broad concept and it’s easy to get lost

with pronouns and identities,” says Hirschi. “It’s been my experience that transgender individuals simply want to be viewed as people, not by their sexuality. And honestly, isn’t that what we all want?”

“The Slasher” bears an eerie similarity to the Orlando shooting. It involves a gay club with multiple murders, the mention of ISIS, terrorism...

Hirschi explains, “When I wrote ‘The Slasher’, the idea was to portray pure evil. The killer is a closeted gay man himself and even that may share commonality with the Orlando attacker.

We don’t quite know yet. But what we do know is that very often the greatest homophobes are oppressing their own self-hate.”

For the first time, The Queen of Unconventional Happy Endings writes several stories with not-so-happy endings. Yes, it’s true, not all stories in SHORTS: Stories From Beneath the Rainbow end happily. But the stories remain, as a whole, very hopeful, which is why Hirschi chose the book’s title.

“The rainbow is a powerful symbol for our community,” he says. “It’s the promise of sunshine after a storm. I saw one just the other day, a few days after Orlando, and it made me smile for the first time since the horrific tragedy. I can’t help but find it a very optimistic sign, and a symbol of love and sibling-hood, not just within the LGBT community but among all of humankind.

SHORTS: Stories From Beneath the Rainbow by Hans M. Hirschi will be available digitally and in softcover from Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble (Nook), Apple’s iBookstore, Smashwords from Beaten Track Publishing.

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Back to You!

Bryan West & Nico Santos of 12 News Get Out and Report!

by Deon Brown & Kevin Bushaw photos by Scotty Kirby

T he offices NBC affiliate Channel 12 on East Van Buren (“EVB”) brings

Arizona the news from across the state and nation. They also include a variety of reporters, anchors and newspeople who bring the world to your TV and newsfeed.

You’ve probably seen the handsome faces of Bryan West and Nico Santos on the morning show, “12 Today” and covering news stories across the Valley and further afield. Openly gay at work, they are highly respected for the work they do.

Since 2011 Bryan has been part of the news team. In 2013 he started working on EVB Live shoots, writing and editing stories. In addition to winning the prestigious DuPont and Murrow awards, he’s known for his awesome cartwheels and handstands. He’s also pretty handy with a kickball, playing on the LGBT kickball league.

Nico Santos hails from the sandy dunes of Yuma, Arizona. Tall, dark and handsome, those dashing good looks come from his Slovakian and Ukrainian heritage. He’s worked in San Francisco and San Diego, but Arizona has his heart. He plays the doumbek—a Middle Eastern drum and you might’ve seen him bouncing by in his 1971 Volkswagen Beetle. He recently emcee’d the one•n•ten Brunch.

Bryan West ION: How did you get involved in broadcast journalism?

Bryan West: Completely on a whim. I was studying business administration when a friend encouraged me to take Intro to Journalism. She knew it wasn’t intimidating for me to talk to people and I needed an additional elective. I became hooked on shooting, editing and telling stories.

I took a summer job in my hometown [Spring Creek, Nevada] at a local station in production and that was the end. I love what I do and I’ve always said if I win the lottery, I would keep my job.

ION: What’s your biggest fear when it comes to reporting?

BW: I always wanted to be a producer and was dead set being behind the camera. Mostly because I was afraid to be a reporter, in the spotlight and truly be me. To have others judge me or make assumptions about who I was terrified me.

I would shoot, write and edit pieces and have someone on-air take credit as the face. And I was okay with that because I didn’t have to put myself out there.

Two years into producing, a news director gave me a shot and—when I didn’t go viral or embarrass myself—she wanted me to continue reporting. When I told her my apprehensions, she made me realize it’s a non-issue. She said I shouldn’t have to give up who I was and, at the same time, Bryan and Nico have reported the news allow the audience to get to know me and in a variety of situations. ION Arizona trust me as a journalist before rushing to reimagined them broadcasting from some of Arizona’s most extreme weather a conclusion about my personal life. I’ve conditions for this feature. In addition, we been met with nothing but support and turned the tables on these reporters: we encouragement. It’s been a realization that what I thought was a big deal was actually interviewed them. more of an internal struggle. That’s what honestly lead me to wanting to do this “Coming to you live ...”

August 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 67

SCOTUS on marriage, North Carolina’s discriminatory laws, Orlando’s nightclub shooting and the transgender bathroom bill. While I don’t think I’ve had any challenges as far as covering stories, I do see the only advantage being that I can offer a different perspective.

My hope when reporting is to not only change opposing stereotypes and viewpoints, but allow those afraid to share their personal journey see that it’s okay to be open and honest. I’m also lucky to work for a place that embraces that mentality. piece with ION Arizona magazine, because the fear is gone.

ION: What’s your favorite part of reporting for the morning show?

BW: What viewers don’t realize is the Phoenix morning market is made up of amazing individuals. My closest friends have become those from other stations and we have each other’s backs. When it comes to breaking news, the crews are placed on shootings, fires, accidents and active stand-offs in not the most safe neighborhoods. Hours of spending time together, we realize we are each other’s rocks and we collectively tell stories that impact safety, traffic and community.

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Nico Santos ION: What attracted you to broadcast journalism?

ION: Have you faced any unique challenges or advantages because you’re gay?

Nico Santos: My parents always encouraged me to think outside of the box as I grew up and working in broadcasting isn’t your average gig. I wanted to be a teacher until I took a news writing and reporting class. I immediately loved the work it took to put stories together; I was even more inspired by the passion inside the people who I’ve met as well as my mentors. If you think about it, it’s not that far off base. Teaching and journalism have a lot in common: you have to really know what you’re talking about, and you have to inform your audience in a compelling way that gets them to pay attention.

BW: The past few years have been instrumental for the LGBTQ movement:

ION: What do you enjoy about reporting?

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NS: No matter what you cover, the stakes are high and the deadlines are short. All that stress is worth it when you realize your story made an impact—when viewers write or call asking how they can help a man who just lost his home to a fire, or if you hear from someone who appreciates the work you do to keep people in the loop with news that affects them.

ION: Why does it seem gay men are especially attracted to broadcast journalism?

NS: It’s not the first thing that comes to mind for many when you think of broadcasting, but it’s a field that attracts people of so many walks of life. Every newsroom I’ve been in has had people from all over the country—many of often from other countries, as well.

Socioeconomic classes merge in the newsroom as well, because it doesn’t matter where you come from. If you like to document history, tell fascinating stories and are willing to put the hard work in, anyone is welcome in the newsroom.

ION: What kind of stories do you like reporting best? And the least?

NS: We tell a lot of emotional stories.

The most challenging assignments are the ones that involve teenagers or young children. Take the shooting at Independence High School in Glendale back in February. It was later described as a murder-suicide of a young couple.

But before we started getting answers from police and the school district, there were parents scrambling near campus

frustrated and crying.

For hours they had no idea if their son or daughter was even alive at the moment.

What do you say to that parent to console them? You feel so helpless. It’s a great privilege and a huge burden.

You both enter an arena for a fight to the death. Who wins?

NS: Bryan West would win (by default, of course). I’m 6’4”, but many describe me as a gentle giant; a lover, not a fighter. Plus, Bryan has been nothing but a great friend to me since I joined the 12 News team.

There are few greater things than amazing co-workers!

Catch Nico every day on 12 Today. You can contact Nico with any story ideas, Phoenix-area tips and tricks, or to just say hello at nsantos@12news.com.

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Photography by LeakedGlass.com Models are Lennon Gergen, Monica Granillo & Cory Kuehn Hair and Styling by Jackie Marin Makeup by Sabrina Rivera Swimwear by Versaswimwear.com and Andrew Christian

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Vol. 10, Issue 5

August 2016

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

Bernie Sanders Tapped as New Theatre Critic

OUTRAGEOUS!

New York City – There’s no business like show business. The theatre world was rocked when Democratic one time presidential hopeful Sen. Bernie Sanders announced he is leaving politics for Broadway.

believe everyone should get to see live theatre for only $27 per ticket. Matinees should be free! All actors need to be paid a living wage, not just the Hollywood stars. We need to put an end to these ‘too big to fail’ productions!” he promises.

OUTRAGEOUS!

Sen. RESEMBLANCE Sanders will be joiningTO everybody’s ANY THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL favorite theatrical curmudgeons Waldorf and Statler in their familiar red velvet box as a critic.

“Bernie is the perfect addition. He’s cranky.

He’s grumpy. He’s certainly opinionated.

He’ll definitely bring his own surly critiques to the Great White Way,” said one anonymous source.

“See? Just when you think this whole election is terrible, something wonderful happens,” said Waldorf.

“Like what?” asked Statler.

“It ends!”

(All three laugh)

OUTRAGEOUS! “I want to reform Broadway. We need to strengthen and expand Actor’s Equity. I

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OUTRAGEOUS!

Patchouli Laundry Detergent for OUTRAGEOUS! Potheads a Hit. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL Cincinnati, OHIO – Manufacturing giant of family, personal hygiene and household care products Procter & Gamble look forward to serve a long overlooked and overly smelly population of society when they introduce ‘FUNK!’ laundry detergent.

blossom, distilled it, and incorporated it into FUNK!,” he continued.

FUNK! is perfect for the casual or even heavy-duty marijuana-user in any household. Cover up the skunky, lingering odor of cannibis with the cloying, overwhelming, sickeningly sweet smell of patchouli. Nobody will be able to tell you’re baked when your laundry is infused with the heady stench of patchouli.

OUTRAGEOUS! “FUNK! is a unique

detergent formulated ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL “I’m excited that for for that special, discerning person,” said on anonymous spokesperson from the research and development department.

“We’ve taken the essential oil from the patchouli

once I can keep my filthy clothes clean while masking the smell of marijuana,” said a consumer who is known as ‘Uncle Jeremiah’ from the coffeehouse on the corner. “No one can ever tell!”

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OUTRAGEOUS!

Army’s Gay Sec’y.

Reveals New Uniforms OUTRAGEOUS! ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

OUTRAGEOUS! Washington, D.C. – In a bold move of fabulousness, U.S. Secretary of the Army, Eric Fanning, the first openly gay head appointed to the armed services, revealed his newly redesigned uniform for the army’s soldiers.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE

bullion fringe, some soutache trim with a bit of frogging on the tunics will certainly add some style,” said an assistant. “And lots and lots of medals! Maybe even a feather in their hat! Now when we say ‘boots on the ground,’ bitch, they’re gonna be TRUTHFerragamos.”

IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

“Secretary Fanning feels that the typical, boring olive drab, khaki fabrics and camouflage are just so ‘out,’” said one anonymous source in the Pentagon. “Nobody likes it. It’s so ... recherché. Overdone.”

Fanning, a homosexual, has a natural flair for the extravagant and unrestrained exuberance of uniform design.

“If our soldiers look sharp, Mary, they’ll fight tooth and nail,” said an inside source.

Previous to this appointment, Fanning served as Under Secretary to the Departments of the Army, Navy and Air Force, which means that he was a “bottom.” Now he’s “top” brass.

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W hether you wake up caressed in ultra-luxe Frette or ya toss n’ turn in that discount Cannon beding collection from Kmart, you sure as hell better know what goes on in your bed. This month’s installment of Favorite Bitch® is all about Thread Count Realness!

Dear Miss Tiger, I’ve never had intense orgasms nor have I been with a white guy before. That all changed when I met Salvatore. He’s here from Italy for a year and dude is rocking my world! We’ve even soaked my Memory Foam mattress! I’m afraid no one will ever satisfy me like this again. Any advice?

— Erika

Dear Ride That Eggplant Parmesan Until Immigration Comes Deporting Dear Miss Tiger, Him Outta Ya Kitty Cat, I’m bisexual and guys don’t care what He may be bringing on the thunder gets ruined during sex. So what’s up with showers, but baby girl, no throes of women? My lady friend refuses to have ecstasy are worth ruining your Tempursex on her sheets. Waiting for her to Pedic; so do yourself a favor and take spread her sex blanket on top totally ruins Salvatore to the shower or the nearest the mood. What’s up with that?

Holiday Inn! — Carmine P.S. Get your passport in order, Hunty!

Dear No She Don’t Have A Sex Blanket, Dear Miss Tiger, Sorry Boo, but allowing you to get busy I found a pair of underwear in my on “the good sheets” is kinda like not boyfriend’s bed. They sure as hell aren’t wanting to break out the fine china when mine because I don’t have a 28-inch waist. heating up left over Taco Bell from the Should I call him out for cheating? night before—no matter how good your — Rob Burrito Supreme is!

Dear If You Had A 28-Inch Waist He’d Dear Miss Tiger, Be Bangin’ You And Not Someone Else, I’m hooking up with a gay-curious jock.

So get a head start on that New Year’s He doesn’t care about home decor. How Diet and next time it’ll actually be your do I tell him his sheets are cheap and underwear! scratchy?

Need advice? Write, Tweet or Facebook — Brent me and get the answers you’ve been Dear You ARE Getting The “D” For looking for, Hunty!

Free ... So Buy Him Some Damn Sheets, MISS TIGER You went looking for straight trade ...

Advice Columnist • SiriusXM radio so stop looking for the Pratesi Hotel personality ... and everyone’s Portofino Bedding Collection that only a #FAVORITEBITCH gay man would have!

Website FavoriteBitch.com Facebook /MissTiger Advice ask@misstiger.com

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by Addison DeWitt

President of the United States. In a cruel twist of Fate, Rebecca forgot to pack all of her “Hillary” t-shirts. (C) They say bad politicians are sent to Washington by good people who don’t vote.

Vote for Pantsuit in November, folks!

A s another Arizona summer continues with

day after day of bone melting heat, here I sit in my trailer here at the WonderVu Trailer Court watching Judge Judy marathons, looking for creative ways to answer the prosecution when I get sued by my readers.

Those sexy tenderonies Wyatt Lupton and Adrian Fernandez (A) are sitting in sunny Spain eating tapas or at an all-night rave with a bunch B Eurotrash in Ibiza even as you read this! (That’s how hot, current and up-to-date my column is. Does Queerty give you this kind of reportage?

Me thinks not.) Now that’s the life!

Dem Femme Rebecca Wininger (B) was in Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly (and surely Sisterly) Love, as delegate for the CD7, LD24 & Park Central Precinct to nominate Hillary Clinton for

A

C

D

In a bizarre twist, Phoenix ex-pat Helena Grayson and her darling girlfriend Elisabeth Drion (D) actually chose to vacation from cool, minimalist Sweden to come this particularly warm little corner of Hell during the summer.

Really! Honey, if I lived in Sweden you couldn’t drag me out of IKEA’s meatball department to come to this hellhole this time of year. But we’re glad you visited, ladies. We miss you! (continued next page) August 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 97

#Karrington Valenzuela a.k.a. #Neveah McKenzie (E) traveled all the way to #Gay Paree with a #much younger man. Like, about 9-yearsold. Talk about #robbing the cradle! #Just kidding!

He’s an “au E pairs.” That’s French for “#Mary Poppins.” Maybe Karrington will come back with a #French Boyfriend. (F) (Question: how do you get all those hashtags through customs, darling?)

G

One of my favorite things about Cruisin’ 7th in the summer is the arctic air conditioning. Well, and the booze, natch. But I also love funny fellows Gene Moore and Ernesto Ortiz. (G) I highly recommend seeing their comedy shows on the third Saturday of every month. That means it’s on August 20 this month. Come see these nice boys cuss and tell funny jokes.

F

Blind Item: I heard this tasty nugget o’ news: who’s the handsome, blonde news anchor/ reporter who bought a big, black, fancy Ford pickup truck at Camelback Ford recently? My spies tell me he was squiring about wth a handsome Italian-esque boyfriend and they were looking very, very chummy with one another. Bitches.

I invite you to vacation with me at the WonderVu Trailer Court.

I’ll feed you chipped ice and we can sit in front of a table fan and watch Judge Judy together.

In our underwear. It’ll be fun.

Promise.

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Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22 Walking a tightrope is tricky. You manage to maintain a delicate balance in situations re you up for a party? Start planning now, because the Conjunction of Jupiter and that leaves everyone gasping. Birthday Virgos are surprised with a promotion Venus on Saturday, August 27 is powerful that’s well-deserved. Walking a tightrope is for everyone here. Even the stick-in-thetricky. You manage to maintain a delicate mud Capricorns. (Sorry, but ...) The pairing balance in situations that leaves everyone of these two “A List” planets means you’ll gasping. Birthday Virgos are surprised with attract the glitterati and socialites from all a promotion that’s well-deserved. walks of life. Beware, though, because this party-hearty celestial conviviality could Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22 mean too much of a good thing. But, what Someone takes credit for your work. That the hell? It doesn’t happen every day. person is a jerk. You have a better idea that comes to fruition in a solo project that shines Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20 brightly. You work better alone this month.

Someone is sending you mixed signals. You Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23 can spend a lot of time trying to interpret Above average performance at work or them. You might be right. You might be school wins you accolades and honor. You’ll wrong. Why don’t you just come out and “best” someone in an arena in which you ask? You may be pleasantly surprised. excel. You feel like a gladiator in ancient Taurus April. 21 - May 20 Rome. That’s kinda hot. Put on your armor.

You’ll be running amok all month long!

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23 And when you run amok, well, there’s no telling what kind of frenzy you’ll stir up. Your You’re jumping hurdle after hurdle. This is why it’s called “a race” and only one person ability to stir the turd is, both, shocking yet wins, but is winning really everything? Be admirable. That’s what you mean to do. gracious if you don’t win. (Notice that we Gemini May 21 - June 21 didn’t say, “lose”?)

You know what opinions are like? That’s right. And everyone’s got one. Your voice is Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20 “Survival of the fittest” is your motto. You’re valued, but save your breath for something more important. For all of our sake, please. often inflexible and strict, but this helps you stay in front of the crowd. Don’t be surprised Cancer June 22 - July 22 when another Cappy catches up to you this You enter a contest that tests your limits month. You need the company. and ablities. It might be proving yourself Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 intellectually or professionally. Or it may be You share the limelight with someone else. a hot dog eating contest. Regardless, you need make sure you can read a lot of books At first you’re mad. Really mad. You want to hit them. Hard! You rise above it all in and eat a lot of hot dogs. the end. It means a lot to the other person.

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22 See? You did a good deed. Feel better Rules and regulations don’t mean much to now? Just don’t Facebook about it. you. You have a way of bending them to suit Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20 you. Birthday Leos find themselves taking someone up on a wild dare. Are you ready? You’re torn between your own personal wants and a desire to help others. When Are you? this happens you usually you go shopping and buy stuff and that makes you happy.

You always share the loot with your friends.

A

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