ION Arizona #173

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FEZ 10 YEAR ANNIVERSARY

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FEZ PHOENIX

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RAINBOWS FESTIVAL

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HERITAGE SQUARE, PHOENIX

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EQAZ GALA

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C H AT E A U L U X E

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NEON RAINBOW PARTY

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RC SALOON

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SINS ON 7TH

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STACY’S

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3819 North 3rd Street Suite 26, Phoenix, AZ 85012 (602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com ionarizona@me.com PUBLISHER / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero ............................................ jacktesorero@me.com

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ..................................................... kbushaw@me.com EDITOR Deon Brown ................................................... ionazeditor@me.com COPY EDITOR .......................................................... Austin Head GRAPHIC DESIGNER ......................................... Angel Jimenez PRODUCTION & ARTWORK SUBMISSIONS

ionazproduction@me.com

ADVERTISING SALES Jack Tesorero ............................................................ (602) 750-1164

jacktesorero@me.com

PHOTOGRAPHERS:

Fernando Hernandez Franklin Diaz Scotty Kirby Sean Kapera Stephanie Anne Donoghue NATIONAL ADVERTISING REPRESENTATIVE Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 CONTRIBUTORS:

Addison DeWitt C. Edwards Ted Kirby

Peter Lora Paul Sanchez Miss Tiger

Published monthly by

1995-2015: 20 Years of Design and Creative Excellence © 2015 JMT Designs, Inc.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.

NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company.

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Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

CARNAGE - HALLOWEEN BLOCK PARTY

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BS WEST

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Welcome to Doggie Daze of Fall it! Check it out on page 36.

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his month, we celebrate man’s (and woman’s) best friends. Our (usually!) furry family members.

Welcome to the Doggie Daze “Pet’s and the City 7.”

Whether you have a dog, cat, snake, fish or goat, you know what I’m talking about.

Unlike family, they don’t judge, don’t tease and don’t try to control you. If anything, you judge, you tease and you control them. But they come back for more. That’s why we love them. Pictured with me and Kevin is Brinley and our newest addition, Olive Juice.

Thank you for everyone who joined in the photoshoot and donated money to the Halo Animal Rescue, a no-kill animal shelter.

With your help, we raised over $400! For more information about Halo, or to donate or even adopt an animal friend, visit HaloRescue.org If you loved the TV series Ugly Betty, you probably also loved to hate the snooty “Marc St. James,” played by Michael Urie.

He produces and hosts Cocktails & Classics on Logo TV. ION interviewed him about his Broadway, movie and TV career. You’ll love

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Which way do you SWAY? One of the hardest working people I’ve had the privilege to work with is Gary Guerin. I was sorry to learn that SWAY Events is closing. We wish Gary the best of luck in his new job (still in event production!) and hope that we can continue his legacy of producing great events for the LGBT community.

Bar Bus a Go Go! The nightlife scene is always changing, always fun. Many hotspots are far from each other, so the best way to experience a night on the town is to use Lyft (first $20 ride is on us with promo code IONAZ) or call Discount Cab. Today, we’re proud to announce a third way: The new AZ Gay Bus! Soon you will be able to travel to eight bars and take the party on the road safely.

There’ll be food, drinks and fun on every trip all for only $20. Check out their ad on page 23 to find out more!

Use ION as your guide to your community and be good to your furry (or feathered or scaly) friends. Enjoy the Doggie Daze “Pets in the City 7” issue!

Jack Tesorero

Dog and Man Lover

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Sunrise Cruise at C7

Got the day off? Working the graveyard shift? If you’re up at dawn, how ‘bout a little eye opener?

Start the day with a little bit of “fortification” and greet the day with a breath of fire–or vodka–every morning from 6-9 a.m. at C7. Check out their specials: $1.75 well cocktails and $2 domestic beer. Every single day! at Cruisin’ 7th, 3702 N. 7th St. Visit Cruisin7th.com.

See ad p. 19

AZGayBus.com

Get ready to party on wheels–safely and legally!

Leave the car at home and hop on the AZ Gay Bus! Travel in comfort and style while you’re having fun! $20 gets you all night rides, free shots, you can BYOB and take advantage of hourly stops at participating gay bars and clubs along the “Rainbow Route” in Central Phoenix every Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. It’s coming soon!

Check IONAZ.com regularly for updates! See ad on p. 23

Arizona Bowls for Equality You might pick up a spare and you might even pick up a date! Keep your mind (and your balls) out of the gutter! Because HRC Arizona Bowls for Equality! It happens on Saturday, November 14 from 11 a.m.-2 p.m. at Lucky Strike Bowling in CityScape, 50 W. Jefferson St. in Phoenix. Cost is only $25 per individual or $150 per team of six bowlers.

Search Facebook.com with “Arizona Bowls for Equality” for more information.

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Get Stuffed! at Dick’s Cabaret

Forget the turkey dinner and cranberry sauce. For the real “Meat ‘n’ Potatoes” start off your holiday season when you join the sexy men at Dick’s Cabaret for their annual “Get Stuffed!” party with the hottest allnude men in Arizona! Something the whole family can enjoy! Well ... depends on your family. 3432 E. Illini St. DicksCabaret.com See ad on p. 84 November 20-21

Red Light Party

Hey, ‘ho’s! Get ready for some hot ‘n’ heavy extratesticular action and dance your ass off at the Red Light Party! This popular dance fest features DJ Frank Terry spinning some bangin’ music bound to get you hot ‘n’ bothered. Friday, December 4 at The Rock, 4129 N. 7th Ave. in Phoenix See ad on p. 5

NOVEMBER 2015 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE

EVENT

LOCATION

CITY

4th Sat Mind Gasm Open Mic Night Fri-Sun AZGayBus.com Sat Wild Men of the West Sun Wild Men of the West 3 Charlie’s 31st Anniversary 6 #KirbyGirls 7 Rummage Sale/Blackout Party 13 Blackout Party 13 Customer Appreciation Party 14 Military Ball 14 Men of Leather Night 15 Firebirds Sunday Bash 15 Fall Feast 17 NoHo Happy Hour 20-21 Get Stuffed Bash 20 Pups & Handler Party 21 Wax-A-Bear 21 Blue Comedy Show 27 Andaluz 28 Phx Boys of Leather Night 28 Open Mic Night

RC Saloon Phoenix Bars & Clubs Phoenix Karamba Phoenix The Rock Phoenix Charlie’s Phoenix Palazzo Phoenix The Anvil Phoenix Charlie’s Phoenix Karamba Phoenix Karamba Phoenix The Anvil Phoenix Karamba Phoenix One n Ten Phoenix Stacy’s @ Melrose Phoenix Dick’s Cabaret Phoenix The Anvil Phoenix The Anvil Phoenix Cruisin’ 7th Phoenix Karamba Phoenix Anvil Phoenix RC Saloon Phoenix

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The Rock Wrigley Mansion

DECEMBER

Red Light Party Festival of the Trees

Phoenix Phoenix

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2015 AIDS WALK

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DOWNTOWN PHOENIX

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NIGHTMARE ON 7TH AVE

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THE ROCK

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It’s Happy Hour!

Join

MichAEL URIE for

by Deon Brown 36

Cocktails & Classics

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on Logo TV

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he fabulous Michael Urie is back on television! Urie co-starred as the foppish, conniving fashionista “Marc St. James” on the successful TV series Ugly Betty (2006-2010). An accomplished Broadway actor, he’s no stranger to film, either. Now he’s executive producer and host to Logo TV’s hit, Cocktails and Classics, screening some of his favorite Hollywood films with friends over drinkies.

Last season Olympia Dukakis joined Urie for Steel Magnolias (“I love you more than my own luggage.”) He’s played games like “Guess That Cleavage!” on the air. He also snuggled up “In Bed with Joel Grey” for an interview while they watched Cabaret.

Michael Urie chatted with ION Arizona about his career on stage and screen and what he’d do if Faye Dunaway came on the set.

ION: You starred on stage and the 2005 film, WTC View about a young man dealing with the 9/11 aftermath in New York.

Michael Urie: That was made so long ago now! I was 23 when we made it and I was supposed be 33. Now I’m old enough to play it and really get what the guy’s going through. I kinda want to do it again.

family and it’s an amazing camaraderie you get, making something week to week together and playing a role that changes weekly. It’s fulfilling because you get to have a character and stretch within it, what you do, how the character grows. The theatre, going on stage night to night, having a live audience, that’s something you miss. I miss the people that I worked with on TV and certainly miss the thrill of seeing a film put together after you put so much time on it, but walking on stage and telling a story every night –there’s nothing quite like it.

ION: Is it hard to keep the emotions real and new?

MU: Yes and no. What’s hard for me is that moment before you go on. Walking out.

It’s frightening every time. You can’t mess up; the audience only gets to see one version. It’s not like a movie or TV show where you can start over and go for that one right take. This is perfecting it, then being set free. That’s frightening. In terms of staying consistent, having the right emotions and finding them organically every night, I always think of the audience: it might be my tenth time or twentieth time but it’s their first time seeing it, tonight, in

ION: Which do you prefer? TV, movies or stage?

MU: I love making movies, but films become really boring; there’s a lot of sitting around and you don’t have any control over your performance ultimately. If you get a TV gig that lasts a while–like I was lucky enough to get with Ugly Betty–you really become

Cocktails & Classics guest stars Drew Droege, Michael Musto, Jessica Shaw and DJ Pierce (Shangela).

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this situation, with these people.

That puts the onus on me to tell the story the best way I can every night so that they can get the best experience because this is going to be their only experience.

ION: Do you ever miss Ugly Betty’s Marc St. James?

MU: That was a great character! They didn’t have a lot of ideas about him before the show started. Many came from the writers getting to know me, so they wrote to my strengths. I’d do something and they’d figure out a way to capitalize on that. Every script would have some new, fun thing I’d get to play. Having really good writers coming up with ideas for you week to week was like being a kid in a candy store. I miss that, in terms of work. I miss the people. I had the most outrageous wardrobe and I got to be snarky and funny and lovable at the same time. I often meet people who want to hug me even though I was this mean, nasty guy. Somehow people liked him and want to be friends with him. I love that.

ION: Tell us about Cocktails & Classics.

MU: It’s a blast! I’ve had lots of screening parties with friends watching a movie or awards show. This is a TV version of that.

I get to take all these fabulous films, put ‘em on, get a group of people together– some are familiar with the film, sometimes 38

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not–sometimes experts who know everything about these films. It’s very silly! We choose the tone of the movie and incorporate it into a theme night–like hanging furniture upside down when we watched The Poseidon Adventure, or a bowl Michael Urie in Buyer & Cellar full of pills for The Valley of the Dolls. There’s a signature cocktail we drink (for pretend– we are working!) that has something to do with the movie. It’s more fun for people to watch with friends–like us–than to watch alone. My dream is that people start having Cocktails & Classics parties themselves and it becomes this huge, meta thing where they join our party with their party and there’s lots and lots of parties!

ION: Is there a dream guest?

MU: Gosh! This season we have Veronica Cartwright for Witches of Eastwick. She’s great! We have Rutanya Aldo who played “Carol Ann” in Mommie Dearest. We have Pamela Sue Martin, the young woman in hot pants from The Poseidon Adventure.

Show business aficionados can all get juicy stories, but they’re never as good as when they come from the horse’s mouth. If we got Big Business and we had Bette Midler and Lily Tomlin would be a dream come true.

Movies from when I was a kid–Soapdish, Clue–movies of the 80s and 90s that I grew up watching that really define me. Zany comedies and disaster movies.

ION: You starred on Broadway in Shows for Days with Patti LuPone (who was also a guest star in 2007 on Ugly Betty as Marc St. James’ mother). What would you screen with Miss LuPone?

MU: We’re watching All About Eve this season; that would’ve been great, although Patti doesn’t have any great understudy

Michael Urie as Mark St. James in Ugly Betty

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stories.

We don’t want to want to touch on a nerve, watching Evita with Madonna.

(Laughs) She might have her opinions with that.

ION: You starred in the one-man show, Buyer & Cellar, as the sole employee of Barbra Streisand’s private Malibu estate “mall.” What Streisand film should every gay man watch? What film of hers would you suggest everyone watch?

MU: This season we screen Funny Girl. But What’s Up Doc? for sure. Comic genius!

Everyone is totally brilliant! It’s so well made. It’s a throw back of a throw back.

The style is stellar. That’s my favorite movie of hers.

ION: What cocktail would you drink with la Streisand?

MU: Something buttery, for sure. “Like buttah.” (Exaggerated voice à la Linda Richman A “Buttah-ry Nipple!” (Laughs) ION: Let’s say when you’re broadcasting Mommie Dearest this season that Faye Dunaway walks on the set and sits down. What do you do?

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necessarily moved by it, but we enjoy it immensely. I’d have to tell her, “You know we’re obsessed with this, and we’re obsessed with you because you really, really swing from the fences in this movie.” I wouldn’t hold back. (Laughs) I’m not sure it would go as planned–but I wouldn’t make too much of a plan.

ION: You’re at home with your partner, Ryan Spahn, and ready for some “Netflix & Chill.” What do you watch?

MU: We really like Homeland and The Affair and Veep. He likes American Horror Story, but it’s a little too intense for me. I get grossed out by it. Too bloody. I will watch it, but I have to look away. In movies we have varied tastes; he likes indies and dramas, I like big comedies and action movies. One thing we always agree on is upcoming movie trailers.

There’s an app on Apple TV to watch them.

Ryan produces Cocktails & Classics with me, so we spend a lot of time watching movies, talking about movies, dealing with movies, so sometimes we just watch trailers and never end up watching the movie.

ION: What would you like our readers to know about you? Tell us a secret.

MU: I have an unhealthy obsession my dog.

Ryan and I spend too much time talking, and thinking and looking at our dog, President McKinley. And, well, she’s a girl.

We have an unhealthy obsession with Michael Urie. Catch him hosting his movie party Cocktails & Classics every Sunday and Thursday nights on Logo TV on COX channel 159, DirecTV channel 1272.

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A Night at the Imperial Palace In association with Phoenix Pride, The Imperial Court of Arizona presents a pageant - the inaugural Mister & Miss Imperial Pride Contest, a preliminary qualifying pageant for Mister & Miss Phoenix Pride! You can only imagine the pomp and circumstance with this extravaganza ... not to mention the silks and satins with glittering crowns, coronets and tiaras abound! If you’d like to sign up to compete, visit ImperialCourtAZ.org. The pageant is Sunday, November 22 at 6 p.m. at The Rock 4129 N. 7th St. in Phoenix.

See ad on p. 25

NOVEMBER 2015 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE TIME 11/6 9:00pm Mondays 9:30pm Mondays 10:00pm Tuesday 10:00pm Tuesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 10:30pm Wednesdays 10:00pm Thursdays 10:30pm Thursdays 9:00pm Thursdays 9:00pm Fridays 10:30pn Fridays 10:30 Fridays 9:00pm Fridays 9:00pm Fridays 9:00pm 2nd Saturday 9:30pm 3rd Saturday Saturdays 9:00pm Saturdays 10:30pm Saturdays 10:00pm Saturdays 9:30pm Sundays 8:30pm Sundays 10:30pm 4th Sunday 2:00pm

LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S) CLub Palazzo #KIRBYGIRLS - The Ultimate Drag Photography Experience Kobalt Drag Bingo Charlie’s Claudia B Hosts Nearly Nekkid Men Karamba Savannah Moussier’s Show BS West Stars Choice Talent Showcase IBT’s Viva La DIVA Cruisin’ 7th Kira Daniels & Saellah V Kobalt Garden Variety Revue with Olivia Gardens Karamba Karamba Girls - Adriana Galiano & Karime Lizaldi Charlie’s Nevaeh’s High Heels & Halos Karamba Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds Cruisin’ 7th Drag Show Bingo with Aimee V. Justice Twisted Peacock Throwback Thursdays with Celia Putty and Coco St. James Cruisin’ 7th Nikki at Night with Nikki Knowles The Rock Special Event Rotating Drag Shows Plazma Freaky Fridays with Celia Putty IBT’s Absolutely Flawless with China Collins BS West Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers Kobalt Celia Putty RC Saloon Nikki Star’s Cactus Angels IBT’s Starrletts with Janee Star Cruisin’ 7th The Fabulous Mia Inez Adams The Rock The Barbra Seville Show Charlie’s Pussy’s Patio Show Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot & Friends Karamba Diamond’s Show Cruisin’ 7th “Big Sunday” with Big Booty Judy November 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 43

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Monster

This thought provoking adaptation of Mary Shelley’s “Frankenstein” questions the existence of God, the nature of the soul and pursuit of knowledge. Eerie, violent and profound. With a monster. Or is he? November 7-29 presented by Nearly Naked Theatre at Phoenix Theatre, 100 E. McDowell Rd. For tickets go to NearlyNakedTheatre.com or call 602-254-2151

The Toxic Avenger

Who will save New Jersey? Toxie, a mutant freak with superhero strength battles for a toxic dump cleanup. What happens when he falls in love with the winsome Sarah and fights City Hall?

This rockin’ musical to shake, rattle & roll thru’ November 22 at the Phoenix Theatre, 100 E. McDowell Rd. in Phoenix. Tickets: Go to PhoenixTheatre.com or call 602-254-2151

Heathers: the musical

“What’s your damage?” Veronica Sawyer transfers to Westerberg High and hustles her way into the ruthless clique known as “The Heathers.”

Veronica falls in love with J.D., and this has ramifications. Besties vs. bullets. Darkly funny ... with singing! December 4-20 at Stray Cat Theatre, Tempe Performing Arts Ctr. 132 E. 6th St. in downtown Tempe. For tickets go to StrayCatTheatre.org

NOVEMBER 2015 ION THEATER + STANDUP

DATE EVENT COMPANY PHONE 6-22 Fiddler on the Roof Mesa Encore Theatre 480-644-6500 7-29 Monster Nearly Naked Theatre - Phx 602-254-2151 thru 7 Disgraced AZ Theatre Co. - Tucson 520-622-2823 7 David Spade Talking Stick Resort - Scottsdale 800-745-3000 thru 8 Book of Mormon ASU Gammage - Tempe 480-965-3434 12-29 Disgraced AZ Theatre Co. - Phx 602-256-6995 13-15 Jon Lovitz StandUp Live - Phx 480-719-6100 13 Steven Wright Rialto Theatre - Tucson 520-740-1000 14 Steven Wright Talking Stick Resort - Scottsdale 800-745-3000 thru 15 West Side Story AZ B’way Theatre - Peoria 623-776-8400 thru 17 Heaven Can Wait Hale Ctr. Theatre 480-497-1181 18-12/27 Wizard of Oz Phoenix Theatre - Phx 602-254-2151 21 Blue Comedy Show Cruisin’ 7th thru 22 The Toxic Avenger Phoenix Theatre - Phx 602-254-2151 24 Last Comic Standing Mesa Arts Center - Mesa 480-644-6500 24-29 A Christmas Story: the musical ASU Gammage - Tempe 480-965-3434 27-29 Pablo Francisco StandUp Live - Phx 480-719-6100 27-12/27 Christmas Carol AZ B’way Theatre - Peoria 623-776-8400 28 Ben Vereen Fox Theatre - Tucson 520-547-3040 thru 28 Mary Poppins Hale Ctr. Theatre 480-497-1181 DECEMBER 3-6 Sebastian Maniscalco StandUp Live - Phx 480-719-6100 4-20 Heathers: the musical Stray Cat Theatre - Tempe StrayCatTheatre.org November 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 45

Gloria Trevi The “Supreme Diva of Mexican Pop” is considered by many to be the “Madonna of Mexico.” She’s provocative, gutsy and daring.

Trevi has sold over 20 million records and still ruffles a few feathers. She brings her electrifying, “muy caliente” performance to Phoenix on Monday, November 6 at the Comerica Theatre, 401 W. Washington St. Get your ticket at TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000

Melissa Etheridge It feels like a long time since Melissa decided to come through our window. She’s still rockin’ it, baby! She’s continuing her tour and stops to raise the roof on Friday, November 13 at the Fox Theatre, 17 W. Congress St. in Tucson. Need a ticket? Call 520-547-3040 or go to FoxTucsonTheatre.org

Adam Lambert American Idol finalist and heartthrob brings his talent and “guyliner” to the Valley promoting his new album, “Trespassing” (and maybe even sing a couple of Holiday tunes to inaugurate the season!) at the 96.9 “Merry Mix-Mas” Radio X-mas Show on Thursday, December 3 at the Celebrity Theatre, 440 N. 32nd St. For tickets go to CelebrityTheatre.com or call 602-267-1600

NOVEMBER 2015 ION CONCERT CALENDAR DATE ARTIST 4 Chris Cornell 5 Jason Derulo 6 Gloria Trevi 8 Dandy Warhols 10 Melissa Etheridge 13 Youth Lagoon 13 Melissa Etheridge 14 Heart 16 Collective Soul 22 Toadies 27 Meat Puppets 29 Juan Gabriel DECEMBER 3 Adam Lambert 4 Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons 4 Tracy Lawrence 4 Tanya Tucker

LOCATION Orpheum Theatre - Phoenix AZ State Fair Coliseum - Phx Comerica Theatre - Phoenix Crescent Ballroom - Phoenix Fox Theatre - Tucson Crescent Ballroom - Phoenix Wild Horse Pass Casino - Chandler Desert Diamond Casino - Sahuarita Marquee Theatre - Tempe Crescent Ballroom - Phx Crescent Ballroom - Phoenix Tucson Arena - Tucson

PHONE 800-745-3000 ETIX.com 800-745-3000 602-716-2222 520-547-3040 602-716-2222 520-297-7777 480-839-0707 602-716-2222 602-716-2222 520-791-4101

Celebrity Theatre - Phoenix Celebrity Theatre - Phx Talking Stick Resort - Scottsdale Wild Horse Pass - Chandler November 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 47

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Aural Fixation

by Peter Lora pintelonegro@gmail.com

Disclosure Caracal

In the thick of the EDM movement, Disclosure has managed to remain a unique voice; their sounds more sophisticated, their tasteful use of nostalgia and an ear for new artists to serve as the voices of their carefully crafted songs. Settle, their first album, introduced the world to AlunaGeorge, Jessie Ware, London Grammar and Sam Smith–all recognizable names now, but in 2013, virtual unknowns. Settle not only launched the aforementioned vocalists into the pop stratosphere but brought Disclosure commercial success and countless accolades. The question became how would Disclosure follow up an album with so much contextual foresight and perfection?

Sam Smith is back with “Omen.” Smith is something rare: he’s usually buttoned up and whimpering; here he’s confident and sexy. The rest of the celebrity roster doesn’t fare as well. The opening track “Nocturnal,” by The Weeknd is a more boring version “Can’t Feel My Face.”

Miguel is forgettable on “Good Intentions” and Lorde’s “Magnets” is too predictable.

As on Disclosure’s debut work, the lesser known stars on the second half of the album shine brightest. Available Now

Janet Jackson -

Unbreakable

It’s been seven years since 2008’s Discipline; to say Janet–Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty–has been missed would be an understatement.

A lot has happened since then: Michael’s passing, her separation from Jermaine

Dupree, a marriage to a millionaire and retreat to the Middle East. When Janet left us, there was barely a Katy, a RiRi, nor a Gaga. The question became when Janet returned would she try to keep up with her younger contemporaries à la Madonna or make the transition to the vague genre of “adult contemporary”? In her and Madonna’s defense (despite the global and commercial success of our current pop pantheon) frankly, “they don’t make ‘em like they used to.”

The first single “No Sleep” is absolutely perfect with it’s rainy night foreground, heavy bass, sophisticated and sexy perspective is the best way to remedy a lonely night. It’s a Janet we haven’t heard from since Velvet Rope. She references that era by sampling “I Get So Lonely” on “Damn Baby.” Still, the album lacks focus. An attempt at classic R&B and Soul on the title track and “Gon’ B Alright’ sounds like the Jackson 5, but more contrived. “2 Be Loved” is Janet trying on today’s Top 40, including a very convincing Michael impression on “The Great Forever.” There’s no denying her collaboration with Missy Elliot because “BURNITUP!” is fire.

Is Janet back? My answer: She’s giving you enough to get by. Available Now Adele

THE DL SONGS TO DOWNLOAD

ARTIST - “SONG” Adele “Hello” Drake “Hotline Bling” Erykah Badu “Hotline Bling” St. Lucia “Dancing on Glass” DJ Snake “Middle” S. Gomez “Good For You” (Phantoms Remix) Kelela “Rewind” Moon Taxi “Day Breaker” Rose McGowan “RM486” St Germain “Sittin’ Here” November 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 49

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ionazeditor@me.com

Love & Misery

Big Eden (2000) Starring: Arye Gross, Eric Schweig, Louise Fletcher Big Eden is a small town tucked away in the timberlands of Montana.

Henry Hart (Gross, an original cast mate on Ellen DeGeneres’s sitcom These Friends of Mine/Ellen, 199495, a project he reportedly hated), a successful New York artist returns to his idyllic, childhood home to care for his ailing grandfather, Sam. He is reunited with Dean Stewart, a hunky, and (fortunately) recently separated, straight-ish (?) buddy of Henry’s and object of his desire. They flirt. A lot.

Henry’s return sparks a transformation in Pike Dexter (Schweig), the shy Native American who pines for Henry. He’s unable to express his feelings, except through preparing gourmet dinners for Henry delivered in the name of the town yenta, the Widow Thayer (Nan Martin).

Curiously, the town (and film) is astonishingly devoid of any homophobia or strife, living up to its intended name of the biblical garden paradise.

Look for the always brilliant Louise Fletcher (the evil Nurse Ratched, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest) as the kindly, appropriately named “Grace.”

This award-winning indie film was a critical success and now celebrates its 15th anniversary on Blu-ray, timeless, aging beautifully. It still pulls at your heartstrings, capturing that yearning for true love in a

perfect world with no judgment. If you’ve ever been in love, watch this touching, gently unfolding love story.

Available now on Amazon, iTunes, Vimeo On Demand, WolfeVideo.com. Blu-ray $19.95 MSRP ★★★★☆

Me and Earl and the Dying Girl (2014)

Starring: Thomas Mann, Olivia Cooke, RJ Cyler This picture is part of the tragic genre of “poor, cute, dying teenager.” Why? Cancer, what else? In Pittsburgh, no less.

Greg (Mann) is the oddball teenager (aren’t all teenagers oddballs?). His mother orders him to do a good deed and visit his classmate, Rachel (Cooke, Ouija), a vague acquaintance, because she has leukemia. He shares the hilarious amateur send-ups of great movies he makes with his best friend, Earl (refreshing and talented newcomer RJ Cyler, who is curiously underutilized despite being named in the title.)

All the ingredients you expect are here: divorced, alcoholic parent (the spectacular Molly Shannon shines as usual), high school creeps, the rebel teacher and prom.

Reminiscent of the hit weepy The Fault in Our Stars and Perks of Being a Wallflower with some weighty dialogue, plus a dash of John Hughes teen angst and humor.

Standout performances all around, especially from free-spirits, “Greg’s Parents,” Nick Offerman (Parks & Recreation and indie king) and Connie Britton (American Horror Story).

Well made, but unfortunately predictable.

Available now. Blu-ray, $27.99 MSRP ★★★☆☆ November 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 51

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Muffs & Magic The Peanuts Movie

America’s favorite underdog, Charlie Brown, proves he’s not a quitter.

The kid with the big head is out to win the heart of that obscure object of desire, The Little Red Haired Girl.

He’s joined by the bitchy Lucy, the philosophical Linus, lesbian-esque Peppermint Patty and the sensitive, cultured Schroeder, who we secretly hope grows up to be gay.

Meanwhile, Snoopy pursues his archenemy, the Red Baron. Charlie Brown takes a lesson from the fearless beagle saying, “If there’s one person you want by your side, it’s your loyal dog.”

Will the optimist-slash-loser in this thinly veiled allegory about the Game of Life win when he learns to Dream Big? Let’s hope so. He deserves it.

Creator Charles Shultz’ inspired commentary of America through precocious kids’ eyes comes to the big screen with CG animation and in 3-D. Release Date: November 6

The Danish Girl

Starring: Eddie Redmayne, Alicia Vikander, Matthias Schoenaerts Perhaps the male equivalent of Meryl Streep for the cinema, Oscar winner Redmayne (The Theory of Everything, Les Misérables) commits to an identity overhaul starring in this partially fictionalized bio-

drama of the groundbreaking transgender Lili Elbe (Redmayne) and artist wife Gerda Wegener (Vikander, Ex Machina) who stood by her husband throughout his long and difficult transition to live as a woman in 1920s Copenhagen. Lili acknowledges, “You’re the only person who made sense of me, and made me possible,” to Gerda.

What happens when Gerda realizes that Lili is no longer the person she married? A complex love triangle blossoms when Gerda’s childhood friend, Hans Axgil, (Schoenaerts, Far From The Madding Crowd) appears.

Not surprisingly, some members of the LGBT community are complaining that a cisgender actor wasn’t cast to portray Lili and her transgender experience.

Release Date: November 25

The Good Dinosaur Voiced by: Raymond Ochoa, Jeffrey Wright, Anna Paquin, Sam Elliott

Just supposing that asteroid that caused all hell to break loose missed the Big Blue Marble? In a world where dinosaurs still roam the Earth, the childlike Apatosaurus named Arlo loses his father, recalling Disney’s horrifying tragic-classic, Bambi. The orphan makes an unlikely caveboy friend.

Ultimately, Arlo faces his fears and we hear we have an animated object lesson.

This Pixar-Disney picture was dismantled, re-tooled, re-cast and re-written from its original Billy Elliott style storyline. Here, Nature is the great antagonist. Satellite images from Google Earth and the U.S. Geological Survey create the stunning 3-D scenery.

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Okra

Way Down South

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t’s no secret: Chef Cullen Campbell has the reputation of being one of the culinary wünderkind of Phoenix.

Crudo, in Gaslight Square in Phoenix, is considered to be one of the best restaurants in Phoenix.

We anticipated Campbell’s most recent venture, Okra, inaugurates the fashionable, newly refurbished and remodeled space named The Crown on 7th on the bustling, ever-changing stretch of 7th Street near Bethany Home Road.

Chef Campbell was anxious to create a menu incorporating traditional dishes from his years near the Mississippi Delta of the American South, giving them a delicate, Italian spin. Okra, that polarizing, love-it-orhate-it, mucilaginous seed pod so typical of Dixieland cuisine (like gumbo), represents that culinary reference. It’s judiciously scattered through the vittles on the menu.

Okra’s dinner-only menu features a spate of about 20 “Snacks” (small, more or less shareable plates–if you don’t share too much.) Oysters, pork rinds, smoked chicken wings and grilled broccolini are just a few appetizing surprises, with prices ranging from $4 to $14. Happy Hour offers a selection of these for a discounted price. The jumbo Hush Puppies are the traditional dense, deep-fried corn meal fritters we love. The Grilled Okra drizzled with goat cheese crème fraîche is a garden fresh crunch-filled treat. You’ll love the sweet ‘Nduja Dates, stuffed and baked with a

small chunk of Andouille sausage.

However, you’ll wish had more than just four of those teeny, tiny dates.

Go to “Bigs” on the menu for a bigger heapin’ helpin’. Try the delicately baked Catfish Al Forno with Okra Succotash (what could be more Southern?) Several variations for succotash are out there; it’s basically mixed vegetables with fried bacon.

This recipe calls for okra with the addition of firm, rich butter beans and a few dabs of gremolata, a chopped herb condiment of lemon zest, garlic and parsley. The small filet of farmed catfish is mild and almost creamy. $18 Sooey, piggy piggy piggy! A popular menu favorite is the succulent Smoked Pork Ham Hock with Black-Eyed Peas & Greens that’ll have you sayin’, “Shut my mouth!” This is a pork version of ossobuco, substituting a hefty ham hock, lovingly smoked over pecan wood right on the premises and slowly braised ‘til the tender, rich, flavor-filled meat falls off the bone. It rests on top of a

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generous portion of dusky, earthy black-eyed peas with kale for the “greens.” $20.

Other “Bigs” look mighty larrupin’, like Buttermilk Meatballs & Polenta, Pig Cheek Pot Pie and–of course–what would any kitchen table be without Fried Chicken, y’all? Here it comes either Tennessee or Umbrian style. (We need to go back to sample the transcontinental difference in preparation.)

From the Carolinas to Calabria, Okra offers seven different styles of Focaccia, which

is basically pizza, paisanos. We had Focaccia Sal with sausage, pepperonata (sautéed sweet bell peppers, tomato, onion, garlic), mozzarella and hot okra sauce, a distinct blend of vinegar, sugar and peppers with each flavor standing out. Pricing ranges $10 to $14.

Vegetarian options are available with Eggplant Parmesan with marinara and fonduta (melted cheese), three different focaccia and a spate of their “Snacks,” like the Cheese Ball & Marinara, Goat Feta and for pescatarians, oysters and mussels.

Okra sources many of their ingredients locally. The flour and corn meal is from the Hayden Flour Mills in Queen Creek. Goat cheese from Crow’s Dairy in Buckeye and other comestibles, including the sausages, are locally sourced.

If you’d like a liquid libation from the little brown jug in the plantation house’s cellar, you’ve come to the right place.

Micah Olson, their mixologist, created a spirited selection of the traditional Southern favorites: juleps, traditional and nontraditional. Andrew Calisterio, Phoenix New Times’ “Best Bartender 2015” is also on hand with a variety of craft cocktails, beers and Southern Standards, like the beautifully hued cocktail, the Pendennis System: Old Tom Gin, apricot, lime & New Orlean’s famous Peychaud’s Bitters. All the old time warhorses like the Sazerac, Hurricane and the legendary bastion of the South, the Old Fashioned, plus many others round out a stunning (somewhat pricey) craft cocktail menu.

Feeling peckish? Check out Happy Hour at Okra where they offer a variety of bites and sips for a right around a sawbuck or so.

(That’s five dollars, by the way.)

Okra blends the best tastes of the Old South and the Old Country.

But wish that they were as generous with their portions as folks down in Dixie are at suppertime. The prices? The South will rise again ... just like the price of eating out.

You won’t get off cheap here if you plan on gobbling everything up like a field hand.

So leave your grandpappy’s Confederate money and Nana’s Italian lira at home and bring a credit card.

No need to go way down upon the Swannee River, far, far away. Nearby Okra is a welcome addition to 7th Streets cavalcade of cafés.

Okra - 5813 N. 7th St. Phone: 602-296-4147 OkraAZ.com M-F: 4 -11 p.m. • Sat: 3-11 p.m.

Sun: 3 p.m.- 9 p.m.

Happy Hour: M-F 4-6 p.m.

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Josh Rivers & Mr. Woofy It was love at first sight when Josh saw Mr. Woofy, his dapper Miniature Schnauzer. “I got him after a spinal injury to bring me happiness and provide me with company during tough times. He’s my loyal, loving companion and brings me joy each day.” Recent stem cell replacement therapy is providing Josh with great results.

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ur pet friends offer us their devotion and unconditional love. We love them back for their goofiness, their bravery, their sweet and silly ways. They win our hearts.

ION picks an animal rescue charity and we ask everyone participating in the shoot to donate a small sum. This year we were able to give HALO Animal Rescue over $400 thanks to you!

Every year ION Arizona posts an open call on Facebook asking our readers to respond, sending us a snapshot of them with their pet for inclusion. “Like” us on Facebook and maybe you’ll be picked to be models next year.

Here’s to you–and your Pets in the City!

Anthony Garcia & Nick Davis He ain’t heavy. He’s my dog! These Shih Tzu-Poodles are brothers. Oliver likes to chase drag queens for fun, but Jack is a lover. When Anthony and Nick had a car accident, their daughter got them the dogs to cheer them up and because they bring value to a family.

Jennifer & Serina Ackerman It’s a dog’s life in this household. The Color Purple was the inspiration for naming sisters Shug and Celie.

The Chihuaha, Tiki, was a “foster fail” from the Arizona Humane Society. Don’t forget little Nelly! Jen works at Trader Joe’s and Serina yoga instructor and volunteer at Humane Society.

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Stephen Flake & Hudson Stephen gave himself a special birthday gift by rescuing Hudson. They like to play a game of “Bullfight” after bath time. Hudson races around the house while Stephen acts as matador, waving a towel, shouting, “Toro!” Hudson is 8-years-old.

Stephen just likes to act like an 8-year-old.

Ken Elder & Boo Radley Boo has two speeds: Tasmanian Devil and asleep. His favorite chew toys are Ken’s feet. Need a place to live? Ken’s a realtor; if you provide the pet, he can find you a home.

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Victor Avila & Jonatan Armenta with Pearl Pearl was living a hard life on the city streets when she was adopted when she was only four-weeks-old. She’s still a puppy but learning a few tricks. Pearl has plenty of love for Victor who works for Bank of America and Jonatan, part of Über corporate.

David & Kevin Patterson with Cayla & Cayden David and Kevin are Powerhouses for Human Rights and Love!

They volunteer with Equality Arizona, HRC and founded Project Jigsaw, connecting foster children to loving families for adoption. Daughters Cayden, 9, is in the Girl Scouts and Cayla, 5, is in kindergarten. Dog kids are Buffy, Bob Gnarly, Oliver and Hank (“He’s the handsomest!”) are all rescues or abandoned and collected.

David says, “Two adults, four dogs in a queen size bed is love & back aches–but totally worth it!” says David.

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Calvin Bovee & Chester Ooh là là! Calvin always wanted a Frenchie, and Chester fit the bill perfectly! Chester’s favorite trick is to bounce beach balls from his nose in the pool. He’s spunky, cuddly and French–if only he could cook like Julia Child ...

Rob Wellman & B.J. “Bump” Tauregui with Black & Patch Rob is a carpenter and B.J. is a safety coordinator. Their swell dogs are mutts by trade–but they came loaded with lots of personality.

Black’s speciality is fetch. Patch has a penchant for Budweiser. Both of these lucky pooches are adopted.

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Dean Dill & Priscilla This girl came into Dean’s life when he was hospitalized after a car accident. Priscilla adores her little stuffed animal toys and cuddles them like babies. Fair warning: This 80-pound Pit Bull will attack you ... with kisses!

Dustin Brannen & Dirty This poor little kitten lost his mittens when he was only four weeks old. Dustin and his boyfriend nursed him to health. Now he plays fetch like a dog “He’s a rascal but the sweetest cat I ever met!” said Dustin, a hair stylist at Salon D’Shayn in Scottsdale.

Manny Mitchell & Bear Farnsworth The lovable Bear is an adorable blend of Poodle/Maltese/Shih Tzu. Manny got him at a party when he was just a three month old puppy. Bear loves to prance around on his hind legs and box like a prizefighter.

Put ‘em up!

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Freddie Maese & Jackson Blake Jackson found his “Forever Home” with Freddie when life in several other homes weren’t a good fit. He visited Freddie when one family he was living with split up–and never left. Jackson loves hiking, the beach or cocktails at Kobalt & Bunkhouse. Freddie is a ballroom dance instructor and a favorite at “Dancing With The Bars.”

Charles Goffnet & Maddie Who threw out the lifeline? Maddie was abandoned, but “She rescued me,” says Charles.

It works both ways. Maddie burrows under furniture, but hates to play fetch.

Charles owns Brand X Custom T-Shirts.

Fashion Alert! People with their dogs wearing matching t-shirts is in this season!

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Lawrence Miller & Lilly It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No! It’s Lilly, the Wonder Dog! A rescue from the Arizona Humane Society, she came with a ton of personality packed into one little Chihuahua. “She’s the sweetest little thing on the planet and loves to sleep ‘til noon!” says Lawrence, a massage therapist at The Boulders Resort & Spa.

Kobalt staff with Harley Jeffery Perales, Travis Edwards, Kat Carlson, Scott Jones, Abel Muñoz Harley, a Pitt/Weimaraner mix, belongs to Abel & Travis, who adopted him from the veterinarian’s where they took their late dog, Char, for chemo treatments. Harley’s mother died giving birth, so he was bottle fed since he was two days old. Harley loves trips to Rocky Point so he can play in the ocean. He loves his Kobalt family.

Hector Lujan & Robert Prieto It’s a dog party at Hector & Robert’s house! Snoopy the Beagle was a rescue. The took in Gigi, the white Chihuahua when her first owner couldn’t care for her. Spunky, the dark Chihuahua was a gift from their aunt. Look out Miley Cyrus!

Snoopy can twerk! “They are our children. Enough said.”

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Tim Pawlak & Jason Bannecker with Henry & Cole Ebony and Ivory! Cole is a black Cocker Spaniel from AZ Cocker Rescue. Henry is a white Cockapoo recently rescued from the Maricopa County Animal Shelter. They “forever home” is with Tim, a financial consultant/realtor and his husband, Jason, owner of HigginsandCole.com, a great source for unique, dog related antique collectibles.

Ilene Miller & Ozzie Pay no attention to that Chihuahua behind the curtain! The great and powerful Ozzie might be tiny, but he thinks he’s 100 pounds. Ilene is the manager at Maizie’s Bistro, and six-year-old Ozzie is her bodyguard. The great Ozzie has spoken!

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Julie Smith She’s here to protect and serve! We’re lucky Julie is a detective with the Phoenix Police Dep’t., and the LGBTQ Liason and Community Responder. She also volunteers at one•n•ten’s annual “Gay Camp.”

Donkey and Percival are backpacking goats therapy goats. The Huskies are Coconino and Bandito del Fuego and Great Dane, Zowey. Lucy the Macaw came from AZ Bird Rescue.

They love the LGBTQ youth.

Melanie Puskar, Laine Ford with Winston & C.J. CJ the Bulldog carries her “baby” stuffed animals around. Winston was a rescue and adores his daddy. Melanie is the Vice Chair and Laine is the Treasurer of Phoenix Pride.

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Lindsay Fowler & Lucy Lindsay is a saint for cat! Lucy was a rescue from a meth lab and had severe facial deformation issues–that’s why her tongue always hangs out. Eight months of treatment and Lindsay’s love saved her life.

Lucy is friendly and happy to give instant love and affection.

Freddie Prinze Charming & Brüsmüs Talk about a happy ending! Almost 3-years-old, Brüsmüs was a “last chance” dog at the pound with kennel anxiety, narrowly escaping euthanization. “I’m pretty sure he’s part bat, part gargoyle, part doofus and part bully,” says Freddie. “He can clear a four-foot tall fence in a single bound! His goofiness always brightens my day.” Freddie holds the title of Mister AZ USofA MI Classic.

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Richard Heath & Keith Swackhamer with B.B. Heathhamer B.B. had a rough start. He was rescued as part of a litter of eight puppies in a junk yard. This loyal dog runs like a Greyhound. Richard is an account executive for The Pride Guide, Keith works for AT&T.

Natalie Cianciola & Dr. Patrick Barnaby The (not really quite) board certified, Dr. Patrick Barnaby was rescued when he was lost on the West Side. Special skills?

“Well, he’s a doctor,” said Natalie, Phoenix Pride Entertainment Manager. They both love pizza. Strictly for medicinal reasons.

Clayton Scherf & Chris Davenport with Jake Jake picked out Clayton and Chris when they adopted him from the Lifeline Puppy Rescue in Brighton, Colorado.

Life in the Rockies made Jake a great mountain climber. Clayton is the Phoenix Pride Director of Development. Chris is a Franchise Development Manager.

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Goochie Ybarra & Ryan Coulson with Zoe It was little Zoe’s lucky day when Goochie and Ryan rescued this 2-year-old doll from the Maricopa County Animal Shelter. If you rub her belly you’ll have good luck! This little pooch is very protective of her daddies.

Dani Logan & Ryker Knapp with Angus & Scout Money will buy you a dog, but not the wag of his tail. Scout was abandoned with his mom and littermates. Angus was a rescue. Dani is the Phoenix Pride Program and Ryker is a Team Leader at PayPal.

John Brown, Cindy Palmer & Squeakers I smell a rat! It’s Squeakers!

This friendly little rodent was doomed to be a midnight snake snack when he was saved from the gaping jaws of Death by John and Cindy, novices with the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence.

Jerry Heitman & Bill Mitchell and Tank What’s a palace without a pooch? Jerry and Bill are members of the Imperial Sovereign Empire of Arizona and have the jewels to prove it! Their French Bulldog has the lofty title, “The Imperial 69th Tank of the Desert,” but he’s a big ol’ clown.

Jeffrey Smit, with Liza That’s Liza with a “Z.” Adopted as a puppy, this little showstopper turns 14 next month. Liza’s “Happy Butt Dance” is a hit with audiences everywhere. Jeffrey is Liza’s couch buddy and they love to snuggle in front of the TV. Jeffrey serves as Mr. AGRA 2015.

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Tuesday Mahrle & Oscar Charles Mayer Weiner, Jr. Don’t you wish you were an Oscar Charles Mayer Weiner, Jr.? His greatest talent? “Well, he sure has the begging thing down!” says Tuesday. This friendly little pup is just as social as she is. And just as popular!

Jamel & Thomas Davis Ortega Jamel and Thomas co-own the Twisted Peacock. Meet their pack of pink poodles, Precious, Lizzy, Cosmo, Elle, Fatty Daddy, Blessing and Bit Bit. The Yorkie-Poo is Toby.

Don’t forget their cat, Rhythm. The big dogs are Whisky and Cane, who was rescued from abusive home for dogs to fight to Pit Bulls. The dogs like to bark in unison. Along with their pygmy marmoset, Mona Lisa Carmen Conchita, they all live happily on a farm.

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The energetic and fun crew at Doggy Daze treat your pet just as they treat their own! Check out their location at 7th Street and Missouri in the Basha’s Plaza. Co-owners Jon Thompson with Cricket the Pug and Sean Kirk with Miss Ellen run the joint with their awesome team: Dan Oldenburg with Buster, Tiffany Warren with Kiki (20 years old!), Kaile Kirk with Jax, Jessica Perez with Zero, and Steven Moore with Molly, who, “Likes to lick her own butt.”

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You never know when you’ll have a case of Puppy Love! Toby, the white Chihuahua, was for sale on Craig’s List. Bella was a gift from the animal lover owner of Dick’s Cabaret.

William Batillo with Bella & Toby

NOVEMBER 2015

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IONTUCSON

TUCSON PRIDE IN THE DESERT

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owdy, Hunties! Problems come in all shapes and sizes but they don’t get funnier than what these folks are faced with. This month’s Favorite Bitch® is serving up some down home bullshit. So sit a spell and soak up this Hillbilly Realness!

Dear Miss Tiger, I’m fired up at my ma right now! She says I’m gonna end up pregnant like she did.

Who’s she to judge? She don’t even know who my real daddy is. I need some advice, Miss Tiger!

— Audrey Dawn Lynn Dear Your Name Paints This Picture Perfectly, Girlfriend, shit got blurry for mommy after guzzlin’ down that tainted moonshine. It ain’t her fault she can’t remember whose wood her beaver chewed on the night you were conceived. The only advice I have for you is to stay away from your cousins and you won’t ever have to worry about gettin’ knocked up!

Dear Miss Tiger, My honey bear is a hillbilly with a heart of gold! Problem is I hate eating with him. He has no table manners whatsoever. I’m tired of looking around the restaurant to see who’s making fun of him. I’m wondering if you got any tips?

— Buddy Dear I Hope He At Least Has A Full Set Of Teeth, Look ... your man’s idea of fine dining is a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken washed down with a super sized Mountain Dew. So what the hell did you expect???

Go on ahead and enjoy your combo meal.

He ain’t the only motha fuckah at the restaurant leaving the fork sticking in the chicken while buttering their side biscuit!

Dear Miss Tiger, My Charlie is too big. I used to do porn over in Mississippi and even I can’t handle it. He knows I can’t take it all, but he still tries to give it to me! How do I keep us from feuding?

— Rusty Dear What Kind of Porn Star Films in Mississippi, Bottoms like you need to get it together.

You’re either complaining that it’s too small and ya can’t feel it or you’re complaining about feeling the burn when it’s too big!

Dear Miss Tiger, I figure you can help. I went down to the all-you-can-eat buffet with Aunt Millie.

She was putting food in ziplock bags and stashing them in her purse. It was awful!

— Wesley Dear Don’t All Your Relatives Do This Shit, Why are you throwin’ Aunt Millie under the bus? It’s no different than when you take your happy ass to Wal-Mart and steal all the toilet paper out of the men’s restroom!

MISS TIGER Advice Columnist • SiriusXM radio personality ... and everyone’s #FAVORITEBITCH Website FavoriteBitch.com Facebook /MissTiger Advice ask@misstiger.com November 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 93

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by Synergistic Studios SynergisticStudios.com

FOLLOW ON INSTAGRAM @SYNERGISTICSTUDIOS

Rio Loza Wanderer/Gypsy Portland, OR November 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 95

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by Addison DeWitt

Wicky-wicky-wicky!

H

“Pokémon! Gotta catch ‘em all.” I’ve caught a few things in my day, but nothing a little penicillin wouldn’t cure. But I’d love to catch these Pokémon!

(D) Squirtle, Bulbasaur Charmander (Brandon Hansen, TJ Stutts and Joel Anderson) are always growing and evolving.

(Kinda like me, if you know what I mean. Well, I kept growing, anyway. Another double entendre, folks.

Kinda dirty.)

alloween is over!

All that dieting and A working out that you did for your sexy, slutty costumes paid off! You boys were totally bonerinducing.

Now you B can start the Thanksgiving C Feeding Frenzy and wear elastic waist sweatpants (without any Congratulations to Savannah underwear, Stevens! (E) Word came in that please) for the she’s been personally invited winter. by an assistant to audition Ian Likwarz for the hit TV show, America’s and Ben Boe’s Got Talent, season 11. where annual “Haunted D she’ll impersonate Reba Whorehouse” was McEntire. We can’t wait to the hot ticket private see you on the color TV, Halloween party, and what happened in lady! Fancy, E the maze, stayed in the maze. (Well, and don’t let us on the floor.) down!

I like a guy with beautiful brains and yummy brawn. So I sampled both!

Now, the traditional ending to Forget about your slide rule and pocket my Halloween coverage–or calculator ... Josh the Nerd (A) can help “un-coverage,” in this case. me “bone up” on my long division with It’s luscious Pokémon Joel “guzinta” lessons; like, how many times Anderson’s “end.” (F) does 25 “guzinta” 50? Sparky arc welder Brian Lubbs (B) “galvanized” everyone “I wanna be the very best. there. He can show me how sweat pipes Our courage will pull us together anytime. (Do you get it? That’s through. called a “double entendre.” That’s almost You teach me and French for “kinda dirty.”)

I’ll teach you.”

BS West pulled all the stops out for another traditional blockbuster Halloween How I’d love for block party. Creepy kudos go out to the you to teach Freak-O-licious Fright Fag, Jonny Noir me! Love you, (C) who kept the corpses animated on the buddy! dance floor from his terrifying turntable.

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his month you discover Happiness at hearth and home with kith and kin as the celestial skies provide some surprises. Experience the spectacular annual Leonids Meteor Shower November 17-18 as Earth crosses the path of Comet Tempel-Tuttle that litters the atmosphere with debris. Expect 20 or more per hour in the pre-dawn hours. The Sun’s conjunction with Mercury (also on November 17) encourages communication and sharing ideas. This comes in handy at the Thanksgiving dinner table over turkey, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole and Waldorf Salad. This conjunction is also a good time to initiate relationships and business deals. But not during Thanksgiving, please.

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20 You’re filled with questions. You have to know the “Who, What, Why, When & How” of everything. Consider a career as a detective, like Nancy Drew or the Hardy Boys. But what will you do with the answers?

Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20 Anticipate lots of playtime–possibly with children, which is kind of weird. Unless you like children. You won’t be taking things so seriously for once. Say, “goodbye” to someone weighing you down.

Gemini May 21 - June 21 You just might find yourself making a romantic kind of “commitment,” which is so unlike mercurial you and your ADD personality. Beware! Philandering will finish it off in a hurry.

Cancer June 22 - July 22 Hard work and industry surrounds you as you get everything in order at home and the workplace. This pays off for you with extra money–which will pay off bills, bills, bills.

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spree! Your good taste doesn’t stretch your budget very far, however. Be prudent, or you’ll find yourself going from Fancy Feast to Meow Mix in no time.

Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22 Lots of added sparkle in your life helps you learn how to get down and funky, much to everybody’s surprise–especially yours. It’s a little mind-boggling but keep it up, girl!

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22 Gotta give you credit: you don’t deal with confrontation well but you’ve behaved with grace under fire admirably. Fortunately the cosmic tide has turned! Expect a shift in life that will surprise you.

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23 Joining a group of others with common interests helps you forge new bonds. It may be a sports team, club or an orgy.

Hey, it happens. Your birthday finds you scrutinizing an old friendship.

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23 Cosmic roadsigns and planetary street maps mislead you last month. Your celestial Garmin puts you on the right path emotionally, spiritually and socially.

Celebrating your birthday includes a trip!

Physically or metaphysically.

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20 You’re breaking the chains of enslavement!

It might be at work, or a situation at home, or the chains of Love! You’re sexy when you stand up for yourself. Watch out for those road rage moments.

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 You always have these lofty ideas and visions about the future as you struggle with day to day life. It’s part of your weird, waterbearing wonderfulness. A wild wish comes true.

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20 If you haven’t done it already, you have two more months to make a decision that may cosmically alter where you live, your job, or maybe just your hairdo. Love is either coming or going.