ION Arizona #174

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#KIRBYGIRLS

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CLUB PAL A Z ZO

SEE MORE GREAT PICTURES AT IONAZ.COM

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31ST ANNIVERSARY

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CHARLIE’S

SEE MORE GREAT PICTURES AT IONAZ.COM

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830 N. 1st Ave., Unit 203 Phoenix, AZ 85003 (602) 308-4662 www.IONAZ.com ionarizona@me.com PUBLISHER / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero ............................................ jacktesorero@me.com OFFICE MANAGER Dean Dill .......................................................... dean.dill@icloud.com

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ..................................................... kbushaw@me.com EDITOR Deon Brown ................................................... ionazeditor@me.com COPY EDITOR .......................................................... Austin Head GRAPHIC DESIGNER ......................................... Angel Jimenez PRODUCTION & ARTWORK SUBMISSIONS

ionazproduction@me.com

ADVERTISING SALES Jack Tesorero ............................................................ (602) 750-1164

jacktesorero@me.com

PHOTOGRAPHERS:

Fernando Hernandez Franklin Diaz Scotty Kirby Sean Kapera Stephanie Anne Donoghue NATIONAL ADVERTISING REPRESENTATIVE Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 CONTRIBUTORS:

Addison DeWitt C. Edwards Ted Kirby

Peter Lora Paul Sanchez Miss Tiger

Published monthly by

1995-2015: 20 Years of Design and Creative Excellence Š 2015 JMT Designs, Inc.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.

NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company.

Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

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“Yooooou Better Believe it!”

H

appy Holidays from all of us at ION Arizona magazine!

Since starting ION, I’ve met some very interesting and unique people. One of those was “Pistol” Pete Kelly. I met Pete when he was an on-air personality on Energy Dance Radio in 2001. We became great friends and he was my personal trainer.

He hosted many of our Splash Bash pool parties, our Ignition Car Show last year, acted in local theatre and most recently hosted a show on Hot 97.5/103.9 FM. Last month, this community lost one of the good ones all too soon. Pete touched many people as evidenced by his wellattended memorial with a candlelight vigil recently held at Bliss/REBAR. We lost a good one, but his legacy will live on.

We’ll never forget his trademark catchphrase, “Yoooou better believe it!”

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Pete would agree, the show must go on. This month we’re presenting our annual Holiday Gift Guide with local favorite, the much loved Piper M’Shay showcasing “Piper’s Favorite Things” offering up some great ideas for those hard-to-shop-for people on your list. Don’t miss our annual Community Holiday Card with season’s greetings from familiar faces around town as well as an interview with wildly creative singer/dancer Ricky Rebel, who’ll be performing Sunday, December 13 at Joe’s Grotto in Phoenix.

This holiday season, go see or call your friends and family members.

Give them a hug. Tell them you love them. Enjoy each other. We’re only here for a short time, make it count!

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Sinful Studs

Looking for some flesh for fantasy? Come and see the real thing! This sizzling sexmeisters will warm you up on these cold winter nights. Catch ‘em (if you can!) on Twisted Peacock Friday and & Sunday nights. Plazma every Saturday night and Roscoe’s every Sunday night. God rest ye merry, gentlemen! And how!

(See ad p. 17 for time.)

IBT’s Street Fair

Meet me at the fair! The 4th Ave. Street Fair brings over 400 arts & crafts booths, food vendors, street musicians and more to the Old Pueblo! But the real fun happens at IBT’s where you’ll find drinking!

Dancing! Drag queens! And karaoke, too! Janée Starr, Diva and China Collins host shows with go-go boys, drink specials and more, December 11-13.

(See ad inside back cover)

Christmas at Charlie’s

It wouldn’t be great if every day were just like Christmas? It is at Charlie’s this month! Soak up some comfort and joy country style for their legendary Christmas celebration all all month long beginning December 11. There’s something for everyone at that little bitty ol’ pissant country place! (See ad on p. 13)

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New Year’s Eve

Champagne! Balloons! Fun! Out with the old and in with the new!

Celebrate New Year’s Eve with your friends at your favorite bars and clubs all over Phoenix and Tucson! Remember to pucker up! It’s good luck to kiss the person next to you at midnight! Check out the ads in this issue for the best New Year’s Eve celebrations!

Adventures in Hangovers

Make your New Year’s Resolution at Kobalt for the first big party of 2016. Experience this legendary eye-opener. It’s a pajama party with a prize for best ‘jammies! They’ll have breakfast, pizza, a Mimosa and Bloody Mary bars (and probably coffee for you pantywaists.)

TC Taylor, Barbra Seville, Celia Putty and Tyra Marie “drag” in 2016 at 1 p.m. Doors open at 8 a.m. No cover! Kobalt in Park Central Mall. (See ad p. 22) If you need to recover later that afternoon, stagger over to Stacy’s @ Melrose at 2 p.m. (See ad p. 11)

DECEMBER 2015 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE

EVENT

LOCATION

All month 2-4-1 everything OZ Bar Weekly Sinful Studs Go Go Boys Peacock, Plazma, Roscoe’s 5-6 One Year Anniversary Twisted Peacock 5 Rummage Sale Anvil 5 AGRA Fundraiser RC Saloon 7 Country Idol Prelim The Rock 11-13 IBT’s Street Fair Weekend IBT’s 11 Lip Sync Battle Kobalt 12 Black Party Karamba 12 Imperial Ct. Winter Wonderland Los Diablos 12 Nasty Santa for Logan’s Playground Anvil 18 AZ Pups & Handlers Anvil 18 & 19 Merry XXXmas Party 19 Prison Party for EQAZ Anvil 19 Blue Comedy Show Cruisin’ 7th 20 Posada Navideña Karamba 20 Country Idol Prelim BS West 16 Boys of Leather Gear Night Anvil 26 AGRA Fundraiser RC Saloon 29-31 Desperado Film Festival PV Comm College 31 Bearracuda The Rock

JANUARY 1 1 1

Adventures in Hangovers Vaquero New Year’s Day Dance Recovery Party

CITY

Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Tucson Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix

Kobalt Karamba Phoenix Stacy’s @ Melrose Phoenix December 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 29

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Glam Club Artist

RICKY REBEL byby Deon Brown Deon Brown 32

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B

ack in the 90s when “boy bands” ruled the airwaves, singing group No Authority hit the Billboard charts. Michael Jackson and then Madonna signed them to their label. Since they broke up in 2001 a lot’s happened to lead singer Ricardo Felix Godinez.

If you threw David Bowie, Lady Gaga along with a little bit of J-Lo you’d get the man who reinvented himself and emerged as the gender-bending entertainer/dancer/singer “Ricky Rebel.” He’s breaking a few rules in the music biz with his Rebel Mafia as he blossoms with his EDM high energy party-themed “Blue Album” with the single, “Star,” remixed by DJ Hector Fonseca. Ricky’s producing and writing most of his own music while he begins touring. He’s proud of being gay and isn’t afraid.

ION: You were Ric F., the lead singer in the 90s boy band, “No Authority.”

So, do you have authority now?

Ricky Rebel: I am the authority! I’ve always had the authority. I was always a rebellious kid. I named the band “No Authority” because nobody has the authority to tell you what you are.

ION: How did you bounce back from the “boy band” image? Was it hard?

RR: It was painful. I grew up in a time when the labels did all the work for you.

It was a wake up call when people who used to take my calls weren’t interested anymore. I had to manufacture myself as an artist. I had to do everything myself.

Play guitar, produce my own vocals,

release my own music. I take a lot of care with everything I put out, like my Instagram account. My executive producer, my agent, my mom and dad, my publicist ... we call ourselves the “Rebel Mafia.” We all believe in this project. Whatever I do, wherever I go, I’m not gonna show up just wearing a beanie and t-shirt.

ION: Michael Jackson told you, “Stay away from girls because they break up bands.”

RR: He did not mention the boys! (laughs) I think being too obsessed with sex will break up any endeavor as well as your drive or your purpose. There was a time when I was obsessed with sex. I kinda went wild in the sex department. There’s been a lot of men–and women– who wanted to control me. I was aware of that. Manipulative people will tear you apart. I haven’t met my “Yoko” yet. (laughs) ION: What can we expect from your upcoming show in Phoenix at Joe’s Grotto?

RR: Expect a production! I’m gonna give you guys fashion. I’m gonna bring some great costumes, a solid band–my Rebel Mafia. It’s entertaining! I’m a high energy performer.

ION: You’re also a commentator with “Fashion Police” for US Weekly.

RR: I am! It’s my favorite part of US Weekly! I get to tweet about Nicki Minaj or Katy Perry. Sometimes the celebrities tweet back that they’re offended. Hey, it’s a joke!

ION: Tell us the best thing about being Ricky Rebel.

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RR: I’ve always wanted people to be entertained and it just kind of happened. Some people don’t have the balls to do it, but–literally–my balls are there. I’m displaying sheer balls! I’m ballsy! I’m proud of it! I’m a dude! I’m not a drag queen.

I’m a strong person. There’s something inside of me that’s very strong and committed to my vision.

ION: What’s the hardest thing about being Ricky Rebel?

RR: Nobody’s done what Ricky Rebel’s doing. The industry wants a replica of what’s already been done. Nobody’s doing the male version of Madonna.

Nobody’s the male Paula Abdul, Jennifer Lopez or Shakira. That’s the business I’m in. That’s what we need: a bunch of peacocks. We need more glam. Gay, straight–it doesn’t matter. Just don’t show up wearing a beanie.

Catch Ricky Rebel on Sunday, December 13 at Joe’s Grotto Music Venue - 13825 N. 32nd St. on the NE corner of 32nd St. & Thunderbird Rd. in Phoenix. For more information and to buy tickets to to JoesGrotto.com.

602-992-1007

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Photos by Scotty Kirby Text By Deon Brown

Show the special people in your life how much you love them.

Show them with presents!

ION had an Oprah-style “a-ha moment” so we asked Piper M’Shay to help out with our annual Holiday Gift Guide. Practical, silly, thoughtful–even a little risqué.

So look under your chair, because you get a gift! And you get a gift ... and you get a gift! Everyone gets a gift!

“No regrets ... just love!” says Piper. Isn’t that what the Holidays are all about?

Happy Holidays from ION Arizona and Piper ... ... “Flawless as always!”

Piper appears regularly at drag shows around Phoenix and occasionally tours Arizona. Catch Piper every Tuesday night at BS West coaching for “Stars Choice.”

For those of you who can’t get enough of her (like us!) tune in to her vlogs at YouTube.com/HotforPiper and see what’s on her mind.

Sassy Glasses

Chic specs come from Sassy Glasses! The hottest, sexiest, most fashion forward eyewear from studios like L.A. Eyeworks are here! Conservative or funky, Sassy Glasses has the ideal face furniture that will get you noticed. Clear and prescription quality sunglasses available starting at only $140. “See” them at 7000 N. 16th St. at Glendale Ave. 602-522-0564 SassyGlasses.com

Home Furnishings

Keep your collection of ION Arizona magazines conveniently stored in this classic bookshelf with a clean, Mid-Century Modern inspired Bliss Bookshelf & Drawers from Jack’s Warehouse. Shown: $1,578. Shop at Jack’s for the best internet price, guaranteed! Don’t miss their Moving Liquidation Sale through Dec. 31 at 4031 S. 37th St. Phoenix 480-659-1885. For more ideas visit JacksWarehouse.com

Someburro’s Churro Casita

Say “adíos” to the boring gingerbread house. Say, “¡Feliz Navidad” to the build-your-own Churro Casita made out of Arizona’s favorite pastry from locally owned Someburros restaurant’s Vasquez family recipe. Each kit is only $13.50 and includes 15 churros and instructions.

Toys for Tots benefits from casita sales and you might win free burros for a year! Visit SomeBurros.com for locations.

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Piper is wearing LA Eyeworks frames from Sassy Glasses and carries a plume from Mardi Gras Costumes.

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John Lennon IMAGINE scarf

Join WhyHunger in the movement to end hunger and poverty with the “IMAGINE” infinity scarf.

This winter white, soft-knit fabric infinity scarf features the lyrics to John Lennon’s classic song.

Donations directly benefit WhyHunger, working for long-term solutions to end hunger and poverty by supporting communitybased organizations. $40.

Available at Hungerthon.org

Faux Trophy Wall Art

Display your big game hunting trophies in a humane way. White Faux Taxidermy sells heads from bison, moose, bears, wolves, giraffes and more made of cast resin in an assortment of hand-painted colors. Consider a Unicorn, T-Rex, Great White Shark or even Arizona’s legendary Jackalope. $55 - $130 at WhiteFauxTaxidermy.com

Best In Show Dog Pillows

These velveteen, dog-shaped pillows featuring a variety of popular breeds are perfect for the dog lover in your life. Best of all, they’re housebroken! Holiday dog pillows are available, too, along with pet beds, leashes, tote bags and more!

Made in the USA. Dog pillows: $79.99, approx. 18” x 10.” Christmas pillows: $69.99 18” x 18” with free shipping at iLeesh.com

Dino Pet

The Dino Pet lets you hold Nature’s magic in your hand! The same alluring blue glow of dinoflagellates that create the sparkling bioluminescence in the ocean becomes a living art piece and science lesson in this Apatosaurus-shaped conversation piece.

Approx. 6” x 3” x 6” $59.95 at BioPop.com

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Encyclopedia Madonnica 20: Madonna from A-Z

Author and superfan Matthew Rettenmund presents an updated, 20th anniversary classic edition all about the Material Girl. This fascinating, beautifully produced, four-pound tome is a “must” for MadonnaWannabees. Quality paperback, 582 pp. $60 with free shipping at BoyCulture.com

I’ll Never Write My Memoirs

The legendary Slave to the Rhythm, Studio 54 Disco Goddess, artist and trailblazing, genderbending sex symbol and gay icon, Miss Grace Jones reveals La Vie En Rose. 386 pp. $26.99 (pictured right)

StarF*cker: A Meme-oir

Ultimate pop-culture fan Matthew Rettenmund of BoyCulture.com exploits his obsession as a celebrity obsessed maniac starting with (who else?) Madonna (see above.) Hilarious, breezy, gay fun!

Paperback, 430 pp. $25 LeatherpressBooks.com

Before Marilyn

In 1945, Norma Jeane Baker signed to model for the famous Blue Book Agency in Hollywood. The head of the agency, Miss Emmeline Snively, kept detailed records and correspondence with the winsome beauty destined to become the blonde bombshell and sex symbol Marilyn Monroe. Astrid Franse purchased the archive, revealing its contents with text by Michelle Morgan. A never-beforeseen aspect of the tragic star’s early life, packed with never before seen photos. Hardcover, 240 pp. List Price $35.00 44

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We Love Disney

Jessie Ware, Fall Out Boy, Jason Derulo and others artists from pop, rock, R&B and country deliver unique interpretations of classic Disney songs starting at $9.99. Also available as a fabulous Collector’s Edition Box Set (shown here) filled with CDs, vinyl & picture discs, limited edition t-shirt and for $399.98. For more info and to order go to WeLoveDisneyMusic.com

Bicycle from The Velo

Who doesn’t want a bike for Christmas? The Velo is an urban bicycle shop serving cyclists of all abilities. Their a friend of the local LGBT community, donating bicycles to one•n•ten this year. Since then, Phoenix is adding more bicycle routes, so this is the perfect time to start pedaling if you aren’t already. They also have an art gallery and a great coffee house.

Shown here: the Momentum iNeedSTREET bike, only $425. The Velo, 828 N. 2nd St. in Phoenix.

602-759-8169 TheVelo.com

The LOKI Wave™

This top-rated luxury personal massager (wink, wink) features sensual external and internal stimulation from dual motors. Best of all, it features a unique “come hither” motion with 10 intense vibrating modes that’ll rock your rocks off! It lives up to its $219 price tag. The best present for anyone on your list—even better for yourself. From LELO, the Cadillac of personal massagers and intimate lifestyle products. Order at LELO.com. Now.

PhunkeeDuck Scooter

Here’s the big splurge! Popular “hands free” personal scooters are the next step in urban transportation. The skateboard-like gadgets weigh about 18-pounds and maintain max speeds of 10-12 mph and can travel up to 10 miles and 6-7 hours per battery charge.

Available in six colors for (gulp!) $1,000 at PhunkeeDuck.com (Other brands are available at a variety of price points starting at around $300. Research and see which one best fits your budget & needs.)

Paparazzi Visor

You can hide from your fans, but you can’t hide from the cameras of ION Arizona! The colorful Paparazzi Visor™ protects your face from sun damage offering 99% UV Protection with 50+ UPF with 100% visibility and are adjustable. Great for poolside, the beach and the slopes at Snow Bowl. A great fashion accessory, too! Starting at $25 at SaintChic.com

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Christmas Queens Crowd-pleasers, rabble-rousers, trouble-makers and fan favorites from RuPaul’s Drag Race come back to Phoenix for another blockbuster show! The girls will be offering up a holiday tribute with Christmas carols (adding their own special touch, no doubt!) Catch Alaska Thunderfuck, Sharon Needles, Jinkx Monsoon, Katya and Ginger Minj on stage singing live with Willam as your host. Sunday, December 27 at 8 p.m. at the historic Orpheum Theatre, 203 W. Adams St. in downtown Phoenix. For tix search TicketForce.com or call 877-840-0457

DECEMBER 2015 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE TIME Mondays 9:30pm Mondays 10:00pm Tuesday 10:00pm Tuesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 10:30pm Wednesdays 10:00pm Thursdays 10:30pm Thursdays 9:00pm Thursdays 9:00pm Fridays 10:30pn Fridays 10:30 Fridays 9:00pm Fridays 9:00pm Fridays 9:00pm 2nd Saturday 9:30pm 3rd Saturday Saturdays 9:00pm Saturdays 10:30pm Saturdays 10:00pm Saturdays 9:30pm Sundays 8:30pm Sundays 10:30pm 4th Sunday 2:00pm

LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S) Kobalt Drag Bingo Charlie’s Claudia B Hosts Nearly Nekkid Men Karamba Savannah Moussier’s Show BS West Stars Choice Talent Showcase IBT’s Viva La DIVA Cruisin’ 7th Kira Daniels & Saellah V Kobalt Garden Variety Revue with Olivia Gardens Karamba Karamba Girls - Adriana Galiano & Karime Lizaldi Charlie’s Nevaeh’s High Heels & Halos Karamba Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds Cruisin’ 7th Drag Show Bingo with Aimee V. Justice Twisted Peacock Throwback Thursdays with Celia Putty and Coco St. James Cruisin’ 7th Nikki at Night with Nikki Knowles The Rock Special Event Rotating Drag Shows Plazma Freaky Fridays with Celia Putty IBT’s Absolutely Flawless with China Collins BS West Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers Kobalt Celia Putty RC Saloon Nikki Star’s Cactus Angels IBT’s Starrletts with Janee Star Cruisin’ 7th The Fabulous Mia Inez Adams The Rock The Barbra Seville Show Charlie’s Pussy’s Patio Show Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot & Friends Karamba Diamond’s Show Cruisin’ 7th “Big Sunday” with Big Booty Judy

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Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Forget your Grinch, Charlie Brown and Rudolf Christmas shows. The Jolly Old Elf has been kidnapped by extra-terrestrials from the Angry Red Planet! One of the all-time schlockiest Hollywood movies is brought to you in living felt from the hilarious All Puppet Players and is destined to be a classic! Definitely not for kids! December 4-19 at the Playhouse on the Park, 1850 N. Central Ave. at Palm Lane. For details and tickets go to AllPuppetPlayers.com or call 602-254-2151

Black Nativity

This event by Harlem Renaissance poet Langston Hughes in a production told through gospel, blues, funk, jazz, dance and drama chronicling the birth of Jesus Christ and delivering its powerful message of joy, hope, victory and liberation. December 4-20, 1333 E. Washington St. in Phoenix. For tickets go to BlackTheatreTroupe.org or call 602-258-8219

Santaland Diaries

The modern, now classic Holiday story that catapulted American humorist David Sedaris to the top. Stray Cat Theatre’s Ron May tells the sidesplitting tale of life working as Crumpet the Elf in Macy’s Santaland. A Holiday “must.” December 10-23 presented by the Arizona Theatre Company at the Herberger Theater Center, 222 E. Monroe St. in Phoenix. For tickets go to ArizonaTheatre.org or call 602-256-6995

DECEMBER 2015 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE EVENT COMPANY PHONE 3-24 A Christmas Carol Hale Centre Theatre 480-497-1181 4-19 Santa Claus Conquers the Martians All Puppet Players 602-254-2151 4-20 Heathers: the musical Stray Cat Theatre 480-227-1766 4-20 Black Nativity Black Theatre Troupe 602-258-8129 10-23 Santaland Diaries AZ Theatre Co. (PHX) 602-256-6995 11-14 Holiday Cabaret iTheatre Collaborative 602-347-1071 12 & 19 A Charlie Brown Christmas AZ B’way Theatre 623-776-8400 17-19 Gabriel “Fluffy” Iglesias StandUp Live - Phoenix 480-719-6100 thru 19 Snapshots AZ Theatre Co. (TUC) 520-622-2823 21 The Forgotten Carols ASU Gammage 480-965-3434 thru 22 The Wizard of Oz Phoenix Theatre 602-254-2151 thru 27 A Bloody Mary Christmas Space55 - Phx Space55.org thru 27 A Christmas Carol: Musical AZ B’way Theatre 623-776-8400 30 thru 1/17/16 Snapshots AZ Theatre Co. (PHX) 602-256-6995 31-1/2/16 Rob Schneider StandUp Live - Phx 480-719-6100 31-1/3/16 Christopher Titus Tempe Improv 480-751-1744 JANUARY 1/8-1/30 COCK Nearly Naked Theatre Co 602-254-2151 December 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 55

Rat Pack Christmas

Ring-a-ding, ding in the holidays with the antics, comedy and uncanny impersonations of Frank, Dean, Sammy and Joey–the “Rat Pack” from the golden age of Las Vegas. Sing ‘n’ swing in the season, hipster style! Wear a fedora! December 11-13 at the Orpheum Theatre, 203 W. Adams St. in Phoenix.

Go to TicketForce.com or call 866-726-3581

Muse & Phantogram

The alternative, space rock of “feel good” crowd pleasing English rock band Muse joins up with street beat, psych-rock of NYC electronic music duo Phantogram. Together they’ll be bringing a night full of eclectic sounds bound to please! Saturday, December 5 at the Gila River Arena, 9400 W. Maryland Ave. in Glendale. For tickets call 800-745-3000 or go to Ticketmaster.com or GilaRiverArena.com.

PMMC: Silver Bells

Celebrate 25 years of Holiday Concerts with the Phoenix Metropolitan Men’s Chorus! Is there better way to make the yuletide super gay? Fri., Dec. 18 at 8 p.m. ● Sat., Dec. 19 at 7 p.m. ● Sun., Dec. 20 at 2 p.m. at the John Paul Theatre at Phoenix College, 1202 W. Thomas Rd. in Phoenix. Get your tickets early! Visit PhoenixMensChorus.org, you ‘ho, ‘ho, ‘hos!

DECEMBER 2015 ION CONCERT CALENDAR DATE 2 3 4-5 4 4 4 4 5 5 6 6 8 11-13 12 14 14-15 15 16 17-23 18 18-20 19

ARTIST LOCATION PHONE Carly Rae Jepsen Fox Theatre - Tucson 520-547-3040 Adam Lambert Celebrity Theatre - Phx 602-267-1600 Franki Valli & the 4 Seasons Celebrity Theatre - Phx 602-267-1600 Holiday Music Festival ASU Gammage - Tempe 480-965-3434 Snoop Dogg Livewire - Scottsdale 480-970-1112 Tracy Lawrence Talking Stick Resort - Scottsdale 800-745-3000 Tanya Tucker Wild Horse Pass - Chandler 877-840-0457 Dulce Comerica Theatre - Phx 800-745-3000 Muse & Phantogram Gila River Arena - Glendale 800-745-3000 Trans-Siberian Orchestra Gila River Arena - Glendale 800-745-3000 Mannheim Steamroller Mesa Arts Ctr 480-644-6500 Postmodern Jukebox Mesa Arts Ctr. 480-644-6500 Rat Pack Christmas Orpheum Theatre - Phx 866-726-3581 The Mowglis & Lights Marquee Theatre - Tempe 480-839-0707 The 1975 Marquee Theatre - Tempe 480-839-0707 Brian Setzer Orchestra Fox Theatre - Tucson 520-547-3040 English Beat Musical Inst. Museum - Phoenix 480-478-6000 Leann Rimes Fox Theatre - Tucson 520-547-3040 Jeff Kennedy: Holiday Cabaret Phx Theatre 602-254-2151 Leann Rimes Wild Horse Pass Casino - Chandler 877-840-0457 Phx Metro Men’s Chorus: Silver Bells Phx College (above) Motley Crue & Alice Cooper Talking Stick Resort Arena - Glendale 800-745-3000 December 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 57

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Aural Fixation

by Peter Lora pintelonegro@gmail.com

Adele - 25 Despite being seated atop her mounds of cash and Grammys, being Adele after the global success of 21 wasn’t easy and made even more terrifying when your well of equity lies in songs about heartbreak and you’ve just married and had a child. Adele probably thought what we were selfishly thinking, How do you sell that?

Adele’s answer: You don’t. Popular music is riddled with breakup albums, 21 being what some might consider the pinnacle of that genre. With 25, Adele bravely tackles what happens after that breakup; the anger of “Rolling in the Deep” has settled and both parties have found someone like you.

“Hello” leads 25, a simple beginning that swells into full-on Streisand/ Dion grandeur has a dual message: she’s saying hello to her ex- but it also seems to mirror her relationship with her adoring fan base. “Send My Love (To Your New Lover)” is a calculated risk that landed. It’s playful, ironic, unexpected and it has Adele trying on a song that Taylor Swift wishes she had in her arsenal. Another surprise is “I Miss You” with its rhythmic drums. It feels like a nod to an 80s, 90s Phil Collins.

You hear this production style again on “Water Under the Bridge.”

The rest of 25 is an addition on to the piano driven and emotive house that 21 built. “When We Were Young” is sweet in its novelty, but a bit odd when you consider Adele is only 27. Adele does bring up her new found joy in the lullaby, “Remedy” and “Sweetest Devotion.” Her

high drama cachet reaches a fever pitch with “All I Ask.” dramatic key changes, soaring vocals, it’s almost too much, but just enough to solidify her as Diva of the Day. Available Now

Bette Midler - A

Gift of Love

Since Bette’s 1972 debut album, The Divine Miss M, she’s sold over 30 million records and earned the distinction as only the second female singer to score a Top 10 album in five consecutive decades. This holiday Bette’s releasing A Gift of Love, a collection of her greatest love songs.

Available December 4

Kylie Minogue Kylie Christmas

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The international pop institution that is Kylie Minogue has released her first ever Christmas album. Kylie Christmas sees the Diva from Down Under collaborating with James Corden, Iggy Pop and Frank Sinatra.

Who better to perform the sultry standard “Santa Baby” than Kylie? Available Now Adele

THE DL SONGS TO DOWNLOAD ARTIST - “SONG” RuPaul – ”Merry Christmas, Mary” Missy Elliot – “WTF” (feat. Pharrell) Grimes – “Venus Fly” (feat. Janelle Monae) Sharon Jones & the Dap Kings – “Ain’t No Chimneys in the Projects” Ariana Grande – “Focus” SIA – ”Bird Set Free” David Bowie – “Black Star” Erykah Badu – “Phone Down” Panda Bear – ”Cross Roads” Leon Bridges – “So Long” December 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 59

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ionazeditor@me.com

Triple Trouble

Tangerine (2015)

The ultimate anti-Holiday movie. It’s Christmas Eve and transgender working girl Sin Dee is out of jail. When her bestie Alexandra spills the tea about her unfaithful boyfriend/pimp, Chester, Sin Dee goes on a rampage through Tinseltown. A cross-section of cultures including an Armenian cabbie on the DL with a fetish for trans prostitutes, converges in a 24-hour donut shop.

Casting conventions are shattered with real trans women in a movie filmed with an iPhone with professional results.

Described as a comedy and “hilarious,” (hardly), it’s still a bleak, gritty look at life as a sex-worker in El Lay. ★★☆☆☆ $29.98 MSRP

EastSiders

Season 2 (2015) Missed the first season?

No worries. You’ll quickly ramp up on this post modern series about gay life set in LA, chock full of brilliant acting and smart, snappy dialogue. Cal (Kit Williamson) and Thom (Van Hansis) explore the complexities of their dysfunctional, alcohol-riddled relationship when they open it up to sex with lots of other mostly fucked up men they meet online with often hilarious consequences. Except for the STD part.

Not so funny. Well, kinda.

The angst-ridden cast includes a roster of stars you’ll recognize from TV and indie films even if you don’t know their names right away. Notables include Traci Lords and Stephen Guarino (Big Gay Sketch Show). Willam Belli (RuPaul’s Drag Race black sheep) deserves an award.

Stupendous.

Don’t dismiss this as, “Oh, another Queer as Folk.” It’s not. Watch it. Now. ★★★★★ $24.95 MSRP

Amy

(2015) The beginnings and meteoric rise to fame of jazz/rocker Amy Winehouse is accounted for in this documentary in shocking detail.

It’s unsettling to see someone’s entire life archived in such detail from childhood to an untimely end.

Behind the beehive and eyeliner of the rebel who refused to go to rehab was a vulnerable, often manipulated person.

The doom that plagued complicated, temperamental legends like Judy Garland and Marilyn Monroe is played out here once again: talent and genius pushed by the greedy machinery of the entertainment industry. Combined with alcoholism, drug abuse and an eating disorder, you’ve got a perfect storm for tragedy.

Even if you’re not a superfan of the chippie (like me) you’ll be engrossed

by Amy’s sad descent, documented for the world to see. Particularly touching is Amy’s nerve-wracking session recording a duet with jazz legend Tony Bennett, who warmly and calmly encourages her to relax, saying, “It just gets better and better.” It didn’t for Amy. If only it did.

One flaw: over two hours long is a lot of Amy. A lot. ★★★★☆ MSRP $24.99

Look for these movies on Vimeo on demand, WolfeVideo.com, Amazon. com and iTunes

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‘ is the season to be jolly! And scared.

Or disgusted. With a tear in there, too. An oddly mixed bag of holiday movies are coming down the chimney at a theatre near you. Lesson learned: family is weird, but all you’ve got.

Christmas Eve

An all-star cast looks for laughter, love and redemption. A power outage traps six different groups of New Yorkers (of course) in elevators on Christmas Eve. A sappy revelation of “the true meaning of Christmas” will surely cap it all off. Think New Year’s Eve (2011) and the flop Valentine’s Day (2010) packaged for a different holiday.

Release date: December 4

Krampus

Starring: Adam Scott, Toni Collette You know Saint Nick?

Well, Krampus is in his shadow. And he ain’t got no goodwill toward men. A little boy who has a crummy Christmas summons the demon to his dysfunctional family’s home. Krampus proceeds to punish nonbelievers. All hell breaks loose.

Release date: December 4

Uncle Nick

Starring: Brian Posehn, Scott Adsit, Paget Brewster You know that relative nobody likes to talk about? It’s Uncle Nick (Posehn,

Mr. Show). Lewd and vulgar, he tries to score with a party guest at his brother’s pictureperfect Christmas party. Add booze and family secrets are bound to be exposed.

Combined with the story of the 1974 Ten Cent Beer Night riot that overtook a Cleveland Indians baseball game and you’ve got a chaotic anti-Christmas movie.

JOY

Starring: Jennifer Lawrence, Robert DeNiro, Bradley Cooper, Diane Ladd Spanning four generations, the life story of American inventor Joy Mangano (Lawrence, American Hustle), a struggling mom who invented the Miracle Mop. Betrayal, treachery and loss of innocence in one intense, emotional human comedy. No doubt a last minute Oscar contender.

Release: December 25 On the horizon are In the Heart of the Sea, starring Chris Hemsworth, the true tale that inspired the legend of Moby Dick. Legendary Dame Maggie Smith stars as The Lady in the Van, a true story about a man forming an unexpected bond with a transient woman living in her vehicle parked in his driveway. It’s a crapshoot with SNL alumnae Tina Fey and Amy Poehler starring in the (hopefully) funny Sisters: two very different sisters who throw one last party in their soon to be sold childhood home. Weblibrity Tyler Oakley’s brand grows larger in the documentary Snervous.

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Ocotillo In Bloom

W hen the one-acre empty lot on Third Street in Central Phoenix

announced the opening of a new restaurant called, “Ocotillo” this past summer. I thought, “Great. More street tacos” in a city inundated with “the next big thing,”... street tacos. How wrong I was!

The spectacular complex looks somewhat like a Deconstructivist architect’s idea for a junior college, featuring the restaurant, patio, outdoor banquet dining space and an enormous beer garden, set in a lovely yard showcasing desert landscaping at its best.

A thoughtfully prepared lunch menu we sampled has virtually nothing to do with Mexican food, save for a couple of thoughtful, modern improvisations, one being the roasted Ocotillo Chicken, one-half of a hen, chilies, citrus, local honey, herbs and roasted pecans served with date potato salad. The juicy bird is plump, succulent and, although served on the bone, a plentiful serving. Four other roasted chicken dishes are offered, all for $15.

Definitely try the Japanese Fish & Chips.

Thick, tender yet firm chunks of fresh cod are lightly breaded with panko and accompanied with a tangy yuzu sauce (a tangy citrus base, successfully subbing here for tartar sauce.) It comes with pickled cucumber salad or “sunomono”).

You also get sea-salted fries with a dusting of powdered nori (seaweed) lending a slightly briny touch which some love, others do not. Judge for yourself. $13.

Our all-around favorite of the menu was the Grilled Lemongrass Pork Steak.

Perfectly spiced and packed with flavor.

It’s served with house pickles, peanuts and crispy shallots. A “small plate” with plenty to share for $12.

We were less impressed with the one of the four “Large” offerings, Campanelle Pasta. The olive oil poached tuna was overwhelmed by the delicious lemon pesto, rich tomato conserva and more olive oil.

Kudos go to the thick, al dente house-made pasta.

It wasn’t bad, there were simply too many flavors competing for a dish that didn’t need to be quite as overloaded with such palate-challenging complexities.

Simpler would

From Ocotillo’s “Small Plate” offerings we chose the Prime Rib Chili, filled with kidney beans, tomatoes, onions, jalapeño, cheddar and cilantro for $10. Great for our cooling temps, although it didn’t exactly reinvent “chili.”

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be better for the reasonable $15.

Don’t ignore the spectacular Roasted Cauliflower with kale esto, peanuts, chilies, mint and basil. Delightfully tender, you’ll want more. $8.

An expanded dinner menu with more pastas, duck, beef ribs, fish–all creatively prepared with globally inspired recipes–offer plenty to choose from.

Vegetarians, rejoice! Plenty of options abound that even the most carnivorous of you will tuck into without a problem.

Price in relation to portion size is extraordinarily fair and most veggies and meats (except for fish, obvs) are locally or regionally procured.

Ocotillo is casual and unpretentious, despite the “Hipster Factor” riding high (meaning expect to see lots of servers & guests in fedoras with goatees wearing skinny jeans.) Areas of the noisy dining room are a little snug, so expect to make friends with your neighbors.

Ocotillo is a welcome addition to the Central Phoenix restaurant scene. Best of all: no street tacos. Thank God. 3243 N. 3rd St. Phone: 602-687-9080 Mon-Fri lunch: 11 a.m.-4 p.m Sun-Thurs. dinner: 5 p.m.- 11 p.m.

Fri. & Sat. dinner: 5-p.m.- midnight Sat-Sun Brunch: 10 a.m.-4 p.m.

OcotilloPhx.com

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Iwisht’s the most wonderful time of the year! We’ve chosen a few people who’d like to everyone the very best of the season in their own special way!

Photos by Scotty Kirby. Direction by Deon Brown & Kevin Bushaw Costumes provided by Mardi Gras Costumes 5895 N. Granite Reef Rd, Scottsdale Leather provided by RNB Leather 2530 N. 7th St. Ste. 106, Phoenix

Stephen Dudus & Dusty Fuller Who wouldn’t love a midnight visit on Christmas Eve from this holiday duo? Leave out some milk and cookies for this sexy Santa and his faithful reindeer. Our “Santa” is Dusty Fuller, who met his loyal “reindeer” Steve in Puerto Vallarta in 2013 and they plan on marrying this spring. Steve’s been a familiar face bartending at BS West over five years and Dusty is a business analyst. When they’re not delivering presents to good boys and girls, they love a little “Netflix ‘n’ chill” at home by the fire.

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The Show with Clayton McKee, Marnie Reiher & Kat Carlson QTalk America presents a lively podcast broadcasting from right here in Phoenix. Chatterboxes Marnie Rieher (left), Kat Carlson (right) and Clayton McKee (center) jabber away about current events, headline news and everything under the Sun and then some. No subject is off limits! They may be fueled with a little bit of Christmas Cheer.

Not only are they on radio, the shows are also available on YouTube at a computer near you! (Not pictured, the very funny and brilliant Al Perkins.) Live every Tuesday night from 7- 10 p.m.

Gene Moore, Ernesto Ortiz, Nathan Evangelista & Josh Graves See you in the funny papers! These upstanding stand-up comedians keep us rolling in the aisles at comedy clubs all around town.

You’ll find outright “out” gay guys Gene (center front) and Ernesto (left) cadging the crowd for lotsa laffs along with their comrades in comedy and straight allies Nathan (center behind) and Josh (right) every Monday night for “Workin’ It OUT” at The Rock at 8 p.m. Gene and Ernesto are regulars at “The Blue Comedy Show” at Cruisin’ 7th in Phoenix. Hardy-har-har!

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Blaise Caudill & Brad DeBiase They’re a power couple and “wow”-er couple! Blaise and Brad bring glad tidings of great joy wherever they go. Blaise sits on the Nat’l. Board of Governor’s for the Human Right Campaign and is the membership outreach co-chair for HRC-Arizona. He’s working on his Masters of Public Administration at ASU. His handsome boyfriend, Brad, proudly wears the Clan MacGregor tartan.

He’s in the PhD program for Religious Studies at ASU. You’ve probably seen him working at Harley’s on 7th Avenue.

We think they’re kind of a big deal!

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Marshall Shore Arizona’s own Ambassador! Certainly one of the most colorful characters and peppy pop personalities around, Marshall is Arizona’s Hip Historian. Got a question or want to know trivia about the Grand Canyon State?

Marshall’s your man. (Did you know that the first motorized bicycle was invented in Arizona?) He’s a representative for the Arizona Humanities Council and regularly leads quirky tours around Phoenix and hosts events that will open your eyes about the state we call “home.” We’re crazy about his wardrobe, too! Catch up on his Arizona hijinx at MarshallShore.com

Wes Fuller & Scott Bowerman with their kids Eli & Hana Bowerman-Fuller Wes and Scott met in 2003. They married in Arizona in 2006, and again in California in 2008. Always wanting a family, they looked into many possible avenues including surrogacy, foreign adoption and private adoption. They were certified for Foster Care, ultimately hoping to adopt. Eli was their first placement, and Hana joined them less than a year later. After many ups and downs, they legally adopted the children two years later. And that’s how families are made!

Santa better be good to them!

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Damon Dering, Shaun McNamara & Ron May

The roar of the greasepaint! The smell of the crowd! All the world’s a stage for our Phoenix theatrical impresarios and actors. Damon is the artistic director for Nearly Naked Theatre, producing some of the most thought-provoking shows in town.

NearlyNakedTheatre.org Make ‘em laugh! Shaun’s All Puppet Players performs send-ups of movies performed with mouthy puppets. It ain’t Sesame Street. Don’t miss the hysterical Santa Claus Captures the Martians December 4-19. AllPuppetPlayers.com What’s new, pussycat? Ron and his mousers at Stray Cat Theatre regularly present theatrics that’ll have you coming back for more. Heathers: the musical is now playing through December 20. Ron also performs in Arizona Theatre Company’s hilarious Santaland Diaries this month. StrayCatTheatre.org

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December 2015

Vol. 9, Issue 8

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

No Santa? Blame Starbucks’ Red Cup.

OUTRAGEOUS!

North Pole – If you’re drinking a Starbucks the Starbucks holiday red cups, which patrons have come to expect, is grounds–no pun venti, half-whole milk, one quarter 1%, one intended–to be put on his ‘Naughty List,’” said quarter non-fat, extra-hot, split quad shots a spokesman for the S. Claus Enterprises, Inc. (1 1/2 shots decaf, 2 1/2 shots regular), no “That’s a list you do not want to be on.” Those foam eggnog latte with whip, two packets who purchase drinks in the plain red cups will of Splenda, one Sugar in the Raw, a touch be expunged from Santa’s route on Christmas of vanilla syrup and three short sprinkles of Eve. cinnamon from one of their controversial plain, unadorned “holiday” red cups, do not ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL With 23,000 stores in 65 countries, millions plan on a midnight visit from Saint Nick. of Starbucks coffee drinkers will wake up to empty stockings around the world.

An official press statement from Kris Kringle’s headquarters state that the jolly old elf is offended with the plain red cups issued Santa’s office calculates that he should finish his worldwide deliveries in about four hours for the holiday season by the coffee giant. utilizing only half the usual reindeer power.

“Mr. Claus indicates that the absence of any ornamentation such as snowflakes, reindeer, snowmen, pine trees, poinsettias or any kind of the ‘winter wonderland’ scenes on

OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS!

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OUTRAGEOUS! Hello! New “Adele” Balloon Flies in Macy’s Parade. Crowd Sobs.

OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS! ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

New York City – The Macy’s Thanksgiving There wasn’t a dry eye in the Big Apple as the larger than life floating Adele inaugurated Day is an American tradition since 1924. the so-called, “Season of Joy” while her The famous balloons made their appearance in 1927 with Felix the Cat. Through the lungbusting tearjerker ripped through the streets and hearts of everyone from Riverside years many pop culture characters like Mickey Mouse, Yogi Bear, Hello Kitty and to the Battery.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL others. This year the Aflac Duck “flew” “I can’t go on,” sobbed the usually cheery Al down the parade route for the first time.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL Roker IS from NBC’s TODAY show, the parade’s media host. “I’m too overcome.” Matt Lauer A bigger surprise was in store for the 3.5 and Savannah Guthrie wept openly on national million excited parade viewers this year. tv as Adele pleaded, “... I must’ve called a A six-story high balloon of emotional thousand times.” chanteuse Adele floated down Central Park West. The weepy strains of her blockbuster, Contrary to public opinion, singing star Mariah “Hello” blared from strategically arranged loudspeakers along the route.

Carey who performed in the parade was not a featured balloon. This year.

OUTRAGEOUS!

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o hell with being Drunk In Love because these folks are straight-up Stupid In Love! I’ve always said that a new boo will be on their best behavior for about 90 days. But like a new employee, once the probation period is up, expect them to clown and show their true damn self. And that’s exactly what happened to these readers in this month’s Favorite Bitch®!

Dear Miss Tiger, Me and my fiancé have been off and on for about seventeen years. We went and broke up again last weekend. I threw that bastard and his clothes out for good this time! I know I’m a damn fool but I’m hoping you got some advice for me.

— Trina

Dear No You Didn’t Just Call Him A Fiancé After Seventeen Years, Trina, darling ... let me enlighten you on your fuckery: Had you married this trifflin’ bastard, you’d be getting alimony and half of his pension. Instead ... you’re getting the toothbrush that ya forgot to toss in with his raggedy socks and underwear!

Dear Miss Tiger, I follow you on Twitter and need your help! My girlfriend ended our relationship.

I thought she was cool with me, but she blocked me on Twitter. What’s this mean?

— Straight Guy

Dear Don’t Make Me Unfollow Your Ass, Baby, she blocked the muffin. Why wouldn’t she block Twitter too?

Dear Miss Tiger, I lost my virginity to a girl at college. She has a wild reputation, but told me I was the

type of woman she could settle down with.

She dumped me two days after we had sex. What’s going on?

— Jeanette

Dear What’s Going On Is She Lied To Yo’ Ass, Girl, you weren’t exactly courting the school librarian. You wanted turned out and that’s what you got ... both, in bed and to the curb!

Dear Miss Tiger, My drag sister broke up with his boyfriend over six months ago. Can you believe he’s still whining about it? What should I say to him?

— Aquarius

Dear Duct Tape Ain’t Just For Fierce Tucks, Tell that queen that men and leased cars have one thing in common - you trade ‘em in every couple of years.

Dear Miss Tiger, I left my boyfriend because I didn’t like the smell of his uncut penis, but it was ten inches long and now I really miss it. Any advice?

— Jayson

Dear Couldn’t You Have Got Some Napkins And Held Onto That Subway Sandwich?

But then again, dicks are like the testers at a Macy’s fragrance counter–if you don’t like the smell, leave the bottle where ya found it!

MISS TIGER Advice Columnist • SiriusXM radio personality ... and everyone’s #FAVORITEBITCH Website FavoriteBitch.com Facebook /MissTiger Advice ask@misstiger.com December 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 95

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by Synergistic Studios SynergisticStudios.com

FOLLOW ON INSTAGRAM @SYNERGISTICSTUDIOS

Bryan Warren Actor & Model Phoenix, AZ December 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 97

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by Addison DeWitt

C ’mon, boys! Let’s pretend that my left leg is

A

Christmas and my right leg is New Year’s, so why don’t you come up and visit me between the C Holidays?

I love your company, that’s why I’m publishing my Annual Gab Fab List.© I celebrate all my clever little cupcakes who make everything so darn special! You make it all worthwhile.

(And I have a few issues, believe me.) Per adua ad E alta, as they say in Latinland. Look it up.

I was wowed at the spectacular extravaganza at the #KIRBYGIRLS multimedia extravaganza! Photographer extraordinaire Scotty Kirby canoodled with the one and only and Tempest DuJour. (A) My very own Prince and the Showgirl!

The illustrated ladyboy Holly Peña Popper (B) pulled out all the stops performing as The Little Sparrow, Edith Piaf. Looking at Holly is like is like reading the Encyclopedia Brittanica and visiting the National Portrait Gallery all at once with all the information on her, plus her many personalities.

It’s true: Antonio Espinoza (C) is hotter than a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. I adore him! Who doesn’t?

B

I always get my Rockies off in the Mile High State because Colorado not only gave us the Continental Divide and Conquer, the Unsinkable Molly Brown, it also gave us the one an only Shem Uel. (D) I always get butterflies in my tummy whenever I see him– and it’s not because of the lousy Kamchatka vodka, either.

“The King of the Queens,” Edward Castro, (E) always seems to be around whenever I need to see him. We need more D Edward Castros in this world.

But I don’t think I could handle more than one Edward at a time.

(Who could?)

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely and blue or just need to get shitfaced drinking Pink Squirrels or Gin Rickeys I’ll go to Stacey’s @ Melrose just so I can spend my meager paycheck and stare at Tim Foye for hours F until they throw me out. It’s so embarrassing.

Finally, I’m bringing it back annually: The coveted Party Penguin Award.™ I’m proud to announce that it goes to the marvelous Patrick Brandt! (G) Not only did he travel the world this past year, he participated an art show, too. You could say that Patrick “lights up my life.” I love him! Mwah!

Merry Holidays and a not too disappointing 2016 to you all!

G

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he conjunction of Moon and Venus on December 7 brings a greater awareness for romance. The Winter Solstice on December 22 brings the longest night, giving you extra time for a little “boom-boom,” if you know what I mean. The Full Moon on December 25 gives you the fortitude of nine Red Bull.

Strong and decisive people channel this extra energy for constructive purposes. Like making those New Year’s Resolutions a little early. Get crackin’!

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20 You’re blindly following a metaphoric star this month, all because you believe in something. Guess what? Miracles happen!

Expect one to happen this month. It might be big, it might be small. Don’t be choosy.

Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20 It looks like the mistletoe is working some magic. You’re on a wild kissing streak!

Nobody is safe from your pucker. Just make sure you monitor how much Holiday punch you drink. Don’t make promises under the influence that you can’t keep.

Gemini May 21 - June 21 Visions of sugarplums dance in your head!

Why? It’s because the pressure of the holidays are driving you insane. Family, parties, open houses, carolers and especially children. Put yourself first once a week.

Cancer June 22 - July 22 Go tell it on the mountain! Over the hills and everywhere! You’ll reveal something this month that nobody ever knew about. Except for your mother. So guess what this revelation is about? Yep. Your mom.

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22 Expect glad tidings of great joy! This news might involve a welcome change at the workplace, money, or travel. More than likely a reunion with someone you thought forgot about you. They never did.

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Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22 The Twelve Days of Christmas are getting expensive. You’re generous spending on others threatens to send you into bankruptcy. Solution: spend more on you. And still go to the poorhouse.

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22 “Giddy up! Giddy up! Giddy up, let’s go!”

You’re in a hurry lately. Time to remember to use the reins and slow down before you start skidding. Paying attention to detail helps.

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23 Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Jingle all the way!

It’s the bells that are driving you crazy lately.

They’re driving everybody crazy. Don’t add to the holiday madness. Take time out just for you. No bells allowed. Feel better?

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23 You’ve been decking the halls quite a bit lately. This leaves you exhausted, but you’re up ‘n’ at ‘em again the next night. And the night after that. A birthday signals time to go away. To a manger. Or Puerto Vallarta.

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20 The weather outside is frightful. Well, it’s Arizona. Not that frightful. Nonetheless, the fire is so delightful. Someone is waiting for you and wants to rub your feet. Birthday Cappies: someone wants to kiss you on New Year’s Eve. Do it.

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 This holiday season has you in a tizzy.

You’re all “In Dulce Jubilo” – in sweet rejoicing, that is. Everything is making you happy.

Your job: make someone else happy. Even for one day. You can do that!

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20 Joy to the World! You’ll find a little bit of extra joy when you’re rockin’ around the Christmas tree. The fruits of your labor are realized. Credit is given to you. It’s about time!