ION Arizona #171

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DANCING WITH THE BARS

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TEMPE CENTER FOR THE ARTS

SEE MORE GREAT PICTURES AT IONAZ.COM

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11TH ANNIVERSARY

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K AR AMBA

SEE MORE GREAT PICTURES AT IONAZ.COM

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FAREWELL PARTY

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3819 North 3rd Street Suite 26, Phoenix, AZ 85012 (602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com ionarizona@me.com PUBLISHER / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero ............................................ jacktesorero@me.com

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ..................................................... kbushaw@me.com EDITOR Deon Brown ................................................... ionazeditor@me.com COPY EDITOR .......................................................... Austin Head GRAPHIC DESIGNER ......................................... Angel Jimenez PRODUCTION & ARTWORK SUBMISSIONS

ionazproduction@me.com

ADVERTISING SALES Jack Tesorero ............................................................ (602) 750-1164

jacktesorero@me.com

PHOTOGRAPHERS:

Fernando Hernandez Franklin Diaz Scotty Kirby Sean Kapera Stephanie Anne Donoghue NATIONAL ADVERTISING REPRESENTATIVE Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 CONTRIBUTORS:

Addison DeWitt C. Edwards Ted Kirby

Peter Lora Paul Sanchez Miss Tiger

Published monthly by

1995-2015: 20 Years of Design and Creative Excellence © 2015 JMT Designs, Inc.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.

NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company.

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Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

TOGA PARTY

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BS WEST

SEE MORE GREAT PICTURES AT IONAZ.COM

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Last Man Standing I

’m coming out. Again.

I’m admitting that I’m not good at sports.

I never was. When I was a kid, they called me “Rubber Arm” when I threw a baseball. When I bowled, my ball found the gutter more often than not. When our class played kickball, I was last to get picked. I was in the lowest swimming group for my age. The list goes on. The only thing I was good at was quitting.

Today, ION Arizona sponsors and supports local sport teams and leagues. After years of retirement, I decided to join one of our teams. The ION Party Penguins welcomed their newest volleyball player. (They probably felt they didn’t have a choice since I’m the sponsor.) What I learned was that there are many talented and competitive people in this community. I also learned that I am not one of them. And I’m good with that.

Our sports leagues are a great way to be active, have fun and meet new friends.

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For those of you who aren’t always comfortable with the “bar scene,” you’ll discover there’s a lot more out there for you to be part of, and still “stay in the swim” of things. I encourage all of you athletic types or that just want to get involved, join one of the many growing leagues.

From darts, bowling, kickball, volleyball, softball, rugby and flag football, there’s something for everyone. (Well, except for me!) I’ll watch them all from the sidelines and continue to sponsor teams.

So my advice to you is to join a team.

Most of us spent our whole lifetime feeling left out, like we didn’t belong.

Now you do. Now you can.

So this month we pay tribute to all the jocks, team sponsors and even the ones who like to watch like me in our “Team Werk” feature.

Enjoy this issue, support our sponsors and have some fun! On and off the field!

Jack Tesorero, Publisher

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AZ PUPS & HANDLERS

ANVIL

PARTY CAM

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Ready For Some Football?

Touchdown! Get your balls inflated because it’s football season! Catch the best in pro and college games (and drink specials!) at your favorite bars.

Saturdays & Sundays: Diablo’s (See ad p. 13) Sundays: Plazma (See ad p. 9) Special Game Day Sports Party on Saturday, September 19 at Karamba. (See ad p. 11)

ION and NoHo presents Hump Day Happy Hour

Here’s a Happy Hour you’ll love! Best of all, you won’t have a hangover the next day. ION Arizona partners up with NoHo, the hangover defense beverage for “Hump Day Happy Hour.”

Enjoy complimentary cocktails, free hors d’oeuvres, with tons of giveaways. You might even win two tickets to the Nick Jonas concert. Wednesday, September 16, 5:30-8 p.m. at The Rock, 4129 N. 7th St. in Phoenix. (See ad on p. 21)

Blue Comedy Show at C7

Funny fellas Gene Moore and Ernesto Ortiz bring their own special four-letter comedy to the stage at the newly remodeled, chic Cruisin’ 7th with other comedians Friday, September 25. And this show is a no-holds barred event where nothing is off limits! Showtime at 8 p.m. The $5 cover admits you to Nikki at Night.

3702 N. 7th St. (See ad on p. 22)

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Imperial Court Underwear Auction

“I see London! I see France! I bought someone’s underpants!” Sexy chonies are up for grabs to the highest bidder! Don’t miss the Imperial Court Underwear Auction modeled by the Wild Men of the West. Stay for the Beer Bust, Jell-O shots, barbeque, raffle and more. Saturday, September 26 from 12 noon to 5 p.m. Auction at 2 p.m.

Empresses Lady Christian and Olivia Gardens officiate the event. Proceeds benefit the Bryon Wiley Memorial Scholarship Fund. See you at Bunkhouse, 4428 N. 7th Ave. in Phoenix. (See ad on p. 12)

Bliss Beach Blowout

Celebrate BLISS-reBAR’s 5th Anniversary Celebration with their Beach Blowout! There’ll be games, prizes, contests, drink & food specials and much more! Best of all, the Grand Prize is cocktail party for 40–a $2,000 value complete with food and booze! We’ll see you there on Sunday, September 27 at 2 p.m. at BLISS-reBar, 905 N. 4th Ave. in Phoenix. (see more infor on ad on p. 50)

SEPTEMBER 2015 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE

Sat - Sun Saturdays Sundays Sundays 4 5 5-7 6 6 12-16 12 13 18 18 19 18-19 19 26 26

EVENT

Weekend Football Male Revue Wild Men of the West Play On Sundays Football Trash Disco Rummage Sale Labor Day Weekend Carnaval Latino 80s Dance Night Fiesta Patrias AML BBQ & Party Open Mic Night Bearracuda AZ Pup & Handlers Nights Leathermen United Customer Appreciation Party Game Day Sports Party Pholsum PHX w/ Boys of Leather Imperial Court Underwear Auction

LOCATION

Diablo’s Plazma The Rock Plazma Stacy’s @ Melrose Anvil Charlie’s Karamba’s Twisted Peacock Karamba’s Anvil Twisted Peacock The Rock Anvil Anvil Dick’s Cabaret Karamba’s Anvil Bunkhouse

CITY

Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix

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䈀唀夀 伀一䔀 䜀䔀吀 伀一䔀

㄀⼀㈀ 伀䘀䘀℀ 䄀瀀瀀愀爀攀氀 愀渀搀 愀挀挀攀猀漀爀椀攀猀 ⴀ 圀椀琀栀 琀栀椀猀 䄀搀 䰀椀洀椀琀 漀渀攀 瀀攀爀 瀀攀爀猀漀渀Ⰰ 瀀攀爀 礀攀愀爀

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一䔀圀 䰀伀䌀䄀吀䤀伀一℀ 猀眀椀洀眀攀愀爀 簀 甀渀搀攀爀眀攀愀爀 簀 愀挀琀椀瘀攀眀攀愀爀

㘀 ㈀ 圀⸀ 䤀一䐀䤀䄀一 匀䌀䠀伀伀䰀 㘀 ㈀⸀㈀㜀㐀⸀㠀㈀㘀㠀

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by Michael Alvear

The Right Text

Y

ou met the love of your life. (Again) Time to text. But what?

“How are you?”

“Nice to meet you?”

Yes, show them you have the personality of a Kansas zip code.

You start typing and ... BRAIN FART! You can’t think of anything clever! You’re as nervous as Paris Hilton on Jeopardy! You’re shaking like a martini. You get “texter’s block.” You don’t know what to do.

Relax, here are my top ten flirty text messages you can send to your future ex-wife or husband. Not all of these funny text messages are instant, out-of-the-box, copy-paste-and-send creatures–you’ll have to modify them to your situation. But even if you can’t use them as is (or at all) they’ll help ignite ideas.

Whether you’re texting a girl or a guy, always be mindful of how they’re feeling about you. At the risk of stating the obvious, you shouldn’t send a flirty text to somebody who’s demonstrably lukewarm to you. They’ll shut you down faster than a unionized WalMart.

The 10 best flirty texts below are taken from my private collection (yes, I collect them the way other people collect stamps) and they’re intended for people who are so hot for you they can hear the hiss when they think of you.

1. You: Stop!

Likely Reply: Stop what?

You: Stop thinking about me. See, you’re doing it ... right ... now.

2. I could drink a case of you and still be on my feet.

3. You: 192y - (62*84) = 12x + 45y solve for x and then graph Likely Reply: ???

You: You make me harder than algebra.

4. You’re so beautiful that last night you made me forget my pickup line.

5. I’ve never seen such dark eyes with so much light in them.

6. I think we should just be friends with sexual tension.

7. Whenever I see you I feel like a dog dying to get out of the car.

8. If I’d have held you any closer I’d be in back of you.

9. I wish I were on Facebook so I could poke you.

10. I want you like JFK wanted a car with a roof.

Of course, learning how to text is critical, but what good is text game if you don’t know how to meet good looking guys in the first place? That’s why I created “Meet The Hottie In The Corner - The 21 Day Plan To Overcome Your Fear of Rejection, Master the Art of Icebreakers and Snag Guys You Never Thought You Could Get.” It’s packed with techniques on how to approach that hottie–what to say, how to say it, how to build attraction, get that phone number, carve that notch in the bedpost or find a boyfriend!

Meet The Hottie In The Corner by Michael Alvear and How to Top Like a Stud: A Penetrating Guide to Gay Sex by Woody Miller These titles and more available at GrabHim.net September 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 29

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EastSiders Star Kit Williamson

Sets The Style In Show’s Second Season

Fashionable

Kit

by William Cooke 32 WWW.IONAZ.COM photo

by David M. Uller September 2015

T

he critically acclaimed dark comedy EastSiders starring Kit Williamson and Van Hansis as Cal and Thom, an adorable couple trying to stay together in the aftermath of infidelity, returns for its second season this fall, broadcasting exclusively on Vimeo On Demand.

Successfully funded

by Kickstarter, EastSiders originally launched on YouTube. The first season was later purchased

by Logo and aired on their website.

The series was named “Best Web Drama” from LA Weekly and brought home the Indie Series Award for “Best Ensemble” and also received a Satellite Award nomination from the International Press Academy.

Do you consider yourself a stylish guy?

Kit: I like to have fun with clothes, but I don’t take myself too seriously. There’s a photo of me out there at 10-yearsold with a mullet, wearing oversized glasses, a tiedye t-shirt and Umbros, reading a fantasy novel and holding a personal fan.

From there I went through a lot of fashion phases, particularly in the Myspace Era, where I had bangs down to my chin. I’m sure I’ll look back on myself in a couple of years and think I look ridiculous.

photo by Alex Dean

Critics and fans couldn’t get enough of the drunken outbursts and double standards of the twenty-somethings living and loving in the trendy Silver Lake neighborhood of Los Angeles, California.

Well, hold tight! Things heat up even more in season two, especially in Cal and Thom’s relationship, as they explore opening things up sexually. The new season tackles some pretty intense topics, from heartbreak to faithlessness to STDs … but in a stylish, never-trashyalways-classy way.

EastSiders creator and star Kit Williamson, 29-years-old, is already be familiar to TV viewers as Peggy Olson’s (Elizabeth Moss) nervous, eager-to-please copywriter on AMC’s hit series Mad Men. Kit discusses his own personal style and its evolution as well as what to expect on the upcoming season of the successful web series.

How would you describe your style?

Kit: Lately I’m gearing towards a classic, retro look. I wear glasses and like looking a little nerdy. I’m very into suspenders but I constantly worry I can’t pull them off. I feel most comfortable in a suit, which is a shame because I rarely get to wear one. My whole family is in law, so I really messed up my life choices!

What influences your style?

Kit: My biggest influence has always been the desire to feel like a grown up. What you wear can have a profound impact on how you see yourself.

Fashion played a huge role in Mad Men, where you played high strung copywriter, Ed Gifford. How did you feel about Ed’s style?

Kit: Ed definitely had his moments. Those blue pants! But largely he was a bit of a square. His shirts were way too large and he never got to wear cool prints or tie-clips September 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 33

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photo by Jono

like [series co-star Trevor Einhorn] John Mathis. I’d go into the costume fittings and try on amazing vintage plaid suit after amazing plaid suit, but they never made the cut. I love how he was a little fashion clueless on such a fashionable show.

What can modern men learn from the men of the 60s?

Kit: It’s not a bad thing to take care of your appearance. It’s great to be comfortable, too, but there’s a balance.

How important is fashion to the Silver Lake hipsters in EastSiders?

Kit: (Laughing) I actually do wear what he wears because those are all my clothes! For the most part, the actors all supplied their own wardrobe. That’s indie filmmaking!

Does his dress change in season 2 to reflect his relationship status?

Kit: Yes, Cal is trying to reinvent himself; the way people often do after a breakup.

He’s shaved off a bunch of his hair and hit the gym and is maybe subconsciously trying to send Thom a message that he’s an independent woman.

Where are Cal and Thom in season 2?

Kit: I think they’re the genuine sort that wear things because they like them, not because they’re obsessed with projecting an image of coolness. It’s pretty easy to sniff out people that are trying too hard.

Kit: They’re brokeback–they don’t know how to quit each other. Cal’s moved out of their apartment, but they’ve started dating again. They’re sharing custody of the cat, but they’re not sure where things stand.

What do you think of your character Cal’s style?

Are things any better for Ian and Kathy’s relationship?

Kit: Cal’s style is pretty much my style.

So you would wear what he wears?

photo by Alex Dean

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Kit: Kathy’s still Kathy and Ian’s still Ian, so things are still on a pendulum swing.

Kathy lying to Ian about getting an abortion was a big deal for them in season one.

Kit: Yes but not because Ian wouldn’t have been supportive, but because he didn’t get the chance to be. There’s still a lot of tension between them, and Kathy has a hard time not pushing him away.

Ian, of course, is played by your real life stylish fiancé, John Halbach. Do you have any style advice for John?

Kit: Never wear the same shirt that I’m wearing. We don’t want to end up on that Tumblr that features boyfriends that look like twins.

The second season of EastSiders begins in September exclusively on Vimeo On Demand.

Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at @EastSidersTV and “Like” the show on Facebook at EastSidersTheSeries.

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photo by Jono

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Yara Sofia at IBT’s ˇEcha Pa’lante! Wildly unique, the talented Yara Sofia competed in RuPaul’s Drag Race, season 3. The Puerto Rican spitfire’s boundless talent and style makes her a fan favorite wherever she goes. Yara’s warmth and cheery disposition won her “Miss Congeniality” with her castmates on the show. You’ll love Yara Sofia, too, on Sunday, September 27 at IBT’s, 616 N. 4th Ave. in Tucson. 520-882-3053 IBTsTucson.com VIP Meet & Greet, showtime at 7 p.m. (See ad on p. 99)

SEPTEMBER 2015 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE TIME Wed 2 Fri 4 10:00pm Mon 7 2:00pm Mon 7 1:00pm Fri 11 9:00pm Fri 11 10:00pm Tues 15 Wed 16 Sat 19 8:30pm Tues 22 Thurs 24 Fri 25 10:00pm Sun 27 9:00pm Sun 27 2:00pm Mondays 9:30pm Mondays 10:00pm Tuesday 10:00pm Tuesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 10:30pm Wednesdays 10:00pm Thursdays 10:30pm Thursdaya 9:00pm Fridays 10:30pn Fridays 10:30 Fridays 9:00pm Fridays 9:00pm Fridays 9:00pm Fridays 10:00pm 2nd Saturday 9:30pm Saturdays 9:00pm Saturdays 10:30pm Saturdays 10:00pm Saturdays 9:30pm Sundays 8:30pm Sundays 10:30pm

LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S) Karamba Miss Reina Latina 2015 The Rock Barbra Seville’s Girly Show Cruisin’ 7th Escuse Our Beauty Revue with Miss Paige and the Gurls Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot’s Labor Day Show Kobalt La Femme Magnifique The Rock Barbra Seville’s Girly Show Karamba Savannah’s El Grito Celebration Karamba Karamba Girls Celebrate Fiesta Patrias Kobalt Dart League Turnabout Show Karamba Savannah’s Face Off Karamba Jennifer Lopez Tribute The Rock Lady Christians Trailer Trash Revue Kobalt Bunz Birthday Bash Show Cruisin’ 7th Big Sunday with Big Booty Judy Kobalt Drag Bingo Charlie’s Claudia B Hosts Nearly Nekkid Men Karamba Savannah Moussier’s Show BS West Stars Choice Talent Showcase IBT’s Viva La DIVA Kobalt Garden Variety Revue with Olivia Gardens Karamba Karamba Girls - Adriana Galiano & Karime Lizaldi Charlie’s Nevaeh’s High Heels & Halos Karamba Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds Twisted Peacock Throwback Thursdays with Celia Putty and Coco St. James Cruisin’ 7th Nikki at Night with Nikki Knowles The Rock Special Event Rotating Drag Shows Plazma Freaky Fridays with Celia Putty IBT’s Absolutely Flawless with China Collins BS West Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers OZ Classy Corona & The Go Go Boys Kobalt Celia Putty IBT’s Starrletts with Janee Star Cruisin’ 7th The Fabulous Mia Inez Adams The Rock The Barbra Seville Show Charlie’s Pussy’s Patio Show Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot & Friends Karamba Diamond’s Show September 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 39

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The Wiz Ease on down the road to the urban Emerald City with some superfly funk and jive. This inner-city, urban retelling of the classic tale of murder, revenge, friendship and vindication still shares the humble philosophy, “There’s No Place Like Your Crib.” Presented by the Mesa Encore Theatre at the Mesa Arts Center, 1 E. Main St. in Mesa, of course. For tickets go to MesaArtsCenter.com or call 480-644-6500

Wicked But wait! There’s even more Oz in store! It’s back again ... the previously untold backstory about the Wicked Witch of the West and Glinda, the Good Witch of the North back in their college days as magical coed bobbysoxers returns to the Valley now through September 24. After the show you’ll be singing “Popular” and “Defying Gravity” at karaoke and driving everybody crazy. Hold off on that. Please. But go see the musical at ASU Gammage, 1200 S. Forest Ave. Tempe For tickets go to ASUgammage.com, TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000

Out of the Box New, late night show hosted by queer “circus poet” Joy Young, with a focus on marginalized voices. Expect LGBTQ, women, people of color and other up & coming artists. Spoken word, music, comedy and other shenanigans! Celebrate our stories and support a more sustainable, diverse arts community at Space 55 Theatre, 636 E. Pierce St. in Phoenix. Go to Space55.com for a full listing of this seasons productions and support local theatre!

SEPTEMBER 2015 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE EVENT 4-19 Hysteria 5-26 Various Productions thru 5 Grounded 9-10/4 Chicago 11-22 The Wiz thru 20 Lucky Stiff thru 24 Wicked 24-10/11 Sex With Strangers (Phx) 25 Out of the Box thru 10/10 Something’s Afoot

COMPANY PHONE SW Shakespeare Theatre 480-644-6500 Space 55 - Phx Space55.com iTheatre Collaborative 60-347-1181 Phoenix Theatre 602-254-2151 Mesa Encore Theatre 480-644-6500 AZ B ‘way Theatre 623-776-8400 ASU Gammage 480-965-3434 AZ Theatre Co. 602-265-6995 Space 55 Space55.com Hale Centre Theatre 480-497-1181 September 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 41

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Nick Jonas One sexy third of the All-American Jonas Brothers is coming to the Valley, fresh from co-hosting the MTV VMAs. Except now he’s all grown up and a little bit naughty! A big fan of the gays, with abs to die for. Sunday, September 20 at the Marquee Theatre, 730 N. Mill Ave. in Tempe. For your tickets, call or 480-839-0707 go to LuckyManOnline.com

Ricky Martin “Here we go! Alé, alé, alé!” Shake your bon bons, because Menudo alumnae Ricky Martin is coming to Arizona! TUCSON: Weds.

September 23 at the Tori Amphitheatre at Casino del Sol, 5655 W. Valencia. Call 800-344-9435 for tickets. PHOENIX: Saturday, September 26 at Comerica Theatre, 401 W. Washington St. For tickets visit TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000

Summer Ends Music Festival Say, “adíos” to summer. Come to the biggest outdoor concert blockbuster with the best bands in the biz, Thursday, September 24 through Sunday, September 27. Hozier, Brandon Flowers, Jimmy Eat World, Kanye West headline at Tempe Beach Park downtown on Mill Avenue. For a full line-up and tickets go to SumerEndsAZ.com

SEPTEMBER 2015 ION CONCERT CALENDAR DATE ARTIST 2 Purity Ring 3 Primus & The Chocolate Factory 4 Chayanne 9 Lenny Kravitz 10 Los Lonely Boys 11 Lee Brice, Clare Dunn, Brett Young 11 Chayanne 11 Berlin, The Romantics 12 Zedd 13 Dave Matthews Band 15 Chris Brown, Kid Ink, Omarion 16 Luis Miguel 17 Chris Cornell 18 Phx Symphony: Beethoven’s Ninth 20 Nick Jonas 23 Ricky Martin 24-27 Summer Ends Music Festival 25 Foo Fighters 26 Ricky Martin 28 Van Halen & Kenny Wayne 30 David Cook 30 Sam Smith OCTOBER 9 Tony Bennett

LOCATION Rialto Theatre - Tucson Rialto Theatre - Tucson Casino del Sol - Tucson Comerica Theatre - Phoenix Rialto Theatre - Tucson Comerica Theatre - Phx Ak-Chin Pavilion - Phoenix Desert Diamond Casino - Sahuarita Mesa Amphitheatre Ak-Chin Pavilion - Phoenix US Airways Center - Phx Comerica Theatre - Phoenix Orpheum Theatre - Phoenix Symphony Hall - Phoenix Marquee Theatre - Tempe Casino del Sol - Tucson Tempe Beach Park Ak-Chin Pavilion - Phoenix Comerica Theatre - Phoenix Ak-Chin Pavilion - Phoenix Musical Instrument Museum - Phx Gila River Arena - Glendale

PHONE 520-740-1000 520-740-1000 800-344-9435 800-745-3000 520-740-1000 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 520-297-7777 480-644-2560 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 800-745-3000

UofA Centennial Hall

800-745-3000

800-344-9435 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 480-478-6000 800-745-3000

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Aural Fixation

by Peter Lora pintelonegro@gmail.com

Carly Rae Jepsen E•MO•TION

After the success of “Call Me Maybe,” most people thought they’d heard the last of Carly Rae Jepsen and thought that her next tour would be a decade away and mostly likely at a casino.

We were wrong and Jepsen is back with E•MO•TION a collection of themes and variations on her sole hit single.

“I Really Like You,” the album’s lead single, is really, really, really bad. Poor Jepsen, 29, has gone from a playful nonchalant phone number exchange to an adolescent “I Like You,” she’s got “Boy Problems,” she’s insecure about not being “Your Type.”

When Jepsen attempts to be serious with “All That,” even she sounds bored.

It’s not all bad news; the album is recorded impeccably. The instrumental productions are the real star with perfect 80s synth sounds and percussion. “Run Away With Me” and “Gimmie Love” are the songs in the background of your road trip; you’re less self conscious about liking them 50 miles away from civilization. In a world where Katy Perry and Taylor Swift can artfully mix and meld adult and tween content, Jepsen is truly only 13 going on 30. So skip this album ... maybe. Available Now

FKA twigs

M3LLI55X “You’ve got a goddamn nerve”, lyrics from “In Time,” a song from FKA twigs new released surprise EP M3LLI55X. It’s a line that could easily be mirrored back at its deliverer. FKA twigs hinted at new work shortly after releasing her first full length album LP1 last August.

A lot has happened for the songstress

since that release; her nomination for the England’s most coveted award , the Mercury Prize celebrating the best in UK music, her publicized relationship with Robert Pattinson, her assumption to fashion muse and more.

With the surprise release of M3LLI55X came a 16-minute video that explores the album’s themes. Voguing: Twigs speaks endlessly of her fascination with the drag-born art form documented in Paris is Burning and spread to masses by Madonna.

“Figure 8” is a trepidatious intro to the album, referencing the shapes in voguing.

“I’m Your Doll” is a submissive’s anthem. “In Time” is the EP’s apex; Twigs breaks away from her signature smooth vocal style and is confrontative for once. “Glass & Patron” picks up where Madonna’s “Vogue” leaves off. “4,2,3 ... now hold that pose for me.”

The video features Twigs amongst elite androgyne voguers proving her dancer roots on a runway.

With M3LLI55X, Twigs proves again that she is unapologetically feminist and unafraid.

Available Now

Disclosure

THE DL SONGS TO DOWNLOAD ARTIST - “SONG” Disclosure “Omen” feat. Sam Smith BØRNS “Emotion” Neon Indian “Slumlord” Domenique Dumont ‘‘Comme Ça” Jack J “Thirstin’” Picnicytyme “Lift Off” feat. Sam Lao CFCF Touching the Earth” GEMS “Living as a Ghost” Kaskade “We Don’t Stop” Buika “Vivir Sin Miedo” September 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 45

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God Save the Queens

ionazeditor@me.com

The Royals: Season 1

If you love Downton Abbey you’ll hate The Royals.

The E! Channel’s debut dramatic series is a soapy, blue-blooded mashup of the primetime classic Dynasty and MTV’s The Hills.

Campy and over-the-top, this muckraking melodrama hard-boils all the scandalous, tabloid gossip of the yellowest journalism and has the nerve to call it “television.” I love it.

The flimsy, hardly worth mentioning plot concerns a mythical, modern day Royal Family of England dealing with all the same issues that every family deals with: marriage, child rearing, drinking, drugs, infidelity, blackmail, bisexuality (and sex in general), extortion, money, party planning and a Machiavellian bloodlust for the power of one of the greatest empires in the world.

Think of The Kardashians, but with more class (like that’s a stretch) and all the women wearing lots of fascinators.

The kind, boring, King Simon (Vincent Regan, 300) wants to abolish the monarchy. His gorgeous, nasty, Royal Consort, Queen Helena (Elizabeth Hurley, Austin Powers, looking astonishingly frozen in time) is a modern day interpretation of Queen Gertrude from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, upon which the show was loosely framed. Very loosely. Hurley approaches the role with all the delicious ferocity of Absolutely Fabulous’s monstrous Patsy Stone. “Good morning!” she bellows, pounding on her slutty, drug-fueled Lindsay Lohan-esque daughter, Princess Eleanor’s door. “It’s the Queen of England!” Veteran thespian Hurley claims her inspiration was Princess Diana and Cruela de Vil. Fact.

Bawdy dialogue includes exchanges like, “Can I smell your feet?”

“No!” “Then it must be your fanny.” (That’s slang for va-jay-jay in England.)

Zingers like this come from Lydia Rose Bewley and Hatty Preston, who steal the show as the vulgar, redheaded Princesses Penelope and Maribel‑the “Fergies” of the palace. Tom Austen plays humpy bodyguard for Princess Eleanor (Alexandra Park), who uses champagne for bong water. The greatest coup is Joan Collins (Dynasty) as the Grand Duchess of Oxford, Queen Helena’s mother.

Gilt. Crystal chandeliers. Oriental rugs. It’s all “Palace, Sweet Palace” for this family.

The sumptuous trappings of Blenheim Palace, where the series was filmed, are eye-popping; that alone makes it worth watching.

Called “Possibly the worst show in the history of TV,” by the Sydney Morning Herald, expect season two to fire up in November. Personally, I can’t wait. A glamorous, delicious, guilty pleasure.

Rule, Britannia, queens! ✮✮✮✮✮ Available now. 3-disc DVD + digital. $29.99 MSRP

Rocky Horror Picture Show 40th Anniversary Edition

It was great when it all began ... the Number 1 cult film of all time is released for the first time on Blu-ray, DVD and Digital HD. It loses a little “oomph” on the home TV screen, but a “must” for any fan. Loaded with extras. Fishnets included. “Don’t dream it ... “ ✮✮✮✮✮ Available September 22, $24.99 MSRP September 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 47

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ionazeditor@me.com

Stonewall

Starring: Jeremy Irvine, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Jonny Beauchamp Young Danny Winters (Irvine, Great Expectations) gets kicked out of the house (for being gay. Shocker.) and leaves his all-American, Hometown, USA roots, migrating to—where else?—the Big Apple, where he can be gay and free. So he thinks. Homeless, he makes friends with a group of ragtag street kids who introduce him to the Stonewall Inn, a somewhat dodgy gay bar and gathering place on Christopher Street run by the Mafia. We’re looking forward to the Puerto Rican trans woman Ray Castro, (Beauchamp, Dorian Gray’s transgendered lover “Angelique” from Showtime’s Penny Dreadful), who’s expected to be the runaway star of the picture.

This fictionalized account focuses on Danny’s awakening to political activism as a result of the famous Stonewall riots of 1969. Surprisingly, early critics have been questionably harsh, claiming the film omits the prominent role of people of color, drag queens, transgenders and lesbians from the historic events, in effect whitewashing the true story. Out and openly gay director Roland Emmerich (White House Down) and star Irvine deny this. Go to: TheStonewallMovie.com Opens September 25 (limited release)

Old New York The Walk

Starring: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ben Kingsley New York City’s famous World Trade Center stood 1,350 feet high and 110 stories tall, earning it the distinction of the tallest structures in the world at the time. This is the true story of French high-wire artist and daredevil Philippe Petit (Gordon-Leavitt, (500) Days of Summer) who together with the help of his mentor, Papa Rudi, (Kingsley, Ghandi) and a band of recruits, overcame astonishing odds to accomplish Petit’s dream of walking a cable—or “tightrope”—spanning the chasm between the recently completed skyscrapers on August 7, 1972. Perhaps the true star of the picture are the twin towers themselves, destroyed during the attacks of September 11. Their recreation is an up-close valentine to the architecture and memories of the New York City skyline giants. Got acrophobia? Then do not see this movie!

Go to: TheWalkMovie.com Opens September 30 in 3D & IMAX 3D. Wide release Oct. 9

Cooties

Starring Elijah Wood, Rainn Wilson The ultimate damning curse happens to elementary school brats. Weird comedy combined with horror. And children.

Opens September 18.

Everest

Starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Keira Knightly Why climb the famous hilltop? Because it’s there, silly. Snow and avalanches, and Jake. We call it Icecap Mountain!

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Vive la France!

Essence Bakery F

rench cuisine. Few have tamed it ... well, except for Julia Child–an American. Even the legendary Auguste Escoffier, the fabled know-it-all who defined French cooking for generations, wrote his venerable 1903 cookbook Le Guide Culinaire explaining French cuisine for the next 70 years in London. It’s so formidable that even the French are afraid of it. Writer and bon vivant Ambrose Bierce said that “Mayonnaise is one of the sauces which serve the French the place of a state religion.” That’s about right.

It doesn’t all have to be entrées like Blanquette de Veau, Boudin Noir aux Pommes and other unpronounceable dishes (although it’s out there, and I highly recommend trying them if you have the means.) However, if you’re looking for a little café to wet your whistle with a bit of light, très casual French (or French inspired) cuisine for un petit morceau, check out Essence Bakery if you haven’t already.

Thanks to Chef Eugenia Theodospoulos and her husband Gilles Combs, they’ve established two successful cafés capturing the basic “essence” of France. Eugenia trained in gay Paris at the celebrated École Lenôtre. Très chic, n’est-ce pas? Eugenia was inducted into the Arizona Culinary Hall of Fame in 2011.

In France, breakfast usually consists of a croissant and a small, heart-jolting démitasse of cup of coffee. At Essence, you’ll find seven entrées you’d rarely find in France, but the American palates will be happy with the expanded breakfast fare such as an Egg Sandwich ($5.50, with ham, bacon and avocado available for an extra fee). Scrambled oeufs get an Arizona twist Huevos Frenchos ($7.50) when eggs are topped with avocado and salsa.

A recent promenade to their new-ish, Arcadia-ish location for lunch to try out le menu was merveilleuxe. What could be plus française than an petite Quiche Lorraine with bacon, organic spinach, green onions and Gruyère cheese? The perfect crust was dense, and the pie was delicious, although we wish that the custard shone through a tad more. The accompanying organic greens with Zinfandel vinaigrette was so drastically underdressed it was really just plain, organic greens. $8.95 Another specialité de la maison is Lemon & Basil Chicken Salad Sandwich for $8.95.

Cool and creamy, served on a brioche with cucumber and spinach, it might be almost perfect. The real star was the Potato Salad on the side. In a world where there’s a million recipes for potato salad, this stands out due to the robust, generous addition of whole mustard seed, giving it added zip.

In 2009 Tempe said, “Bon jour” to Essence Bakery, a little établissement serving breakfast, lunch and a variety of baked goods, and outstanding pastries. Essence specializes in environmentally friendly ingredients using organic, locally procured when possible with sustainable farming methods.

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feta cheese, toasted pecan halves, sun dried cranberries, organic apples, jicama, celery and a fantastique sherry vinaigrette dressing. $8.95

The Old World meets the New World with the Jalapeño Croque Monsieur for $8.95.

You’ll get the traditional French country sandwich with baked ham, Gruyère cheese and béchamel. This gets a Southwestern spin when they add a few slices of jalapeño pepper. Our favorite.

The Organic Spinach & Cranberry Salad has a certain je ne sais quoi that we loved with the addition of a creamy

It’s a downright sin if you leave without a pastry. You’ll adore the Petite Fruit Tart $5.75, a frangipane-filled crust crowned with raspberries, blueberries and sliced strawberries, glistening with a fruit glaze.

Of course, you’ll have your choice of Napoleons, éclairs and other decadent desserts, too. Essence is renowned for their magical, classique Macarons.

Created for Catherine de Medici around 1500, no pastry quite captures the soul of France quite like the macaron.

Complicated and elaborate, only an expert can master the secret. Choose from a wide variety of flavors, like pistachio, raspberry

rose, espresso, mint chocolate, hazelnut, pink grapefruit, key lime or more, all in rainbow of colors.

Small: $1.40 or large, $3.25.

The Phoenix café is light and airy, but stark and deconstructed. Concrete floors and a high, exposed ceiling make it loud. Really loud. A shame it isn’t a bit more comfortable and inviting. The staff is pleasant and efficient. A common observation on Trip Advisor and with other diners is that Essence is un petit peu chèr.

That means “expensive,” except it sounds nicer. Oui. It is a tad high for what you get, so cash in your euro here. Still it’s worth a splurge.

Maybe Marie Antoinette was right: “Let ‘em eat cake.”

And Quiche. And Croque Monsieur. Definitely macarons. Ooh la la!

TEMPE 825 W. University Dr. 480-996-2745 Tues - Sat: 7 a.m.-3 p.m Closed Sundays & Mondays PHOENIX 3830 E. Indian School Rd. Phoenix, AZ 85018 602-296-4958 Tues - Sun: 6:30 a.m. - 3 p.m.

Closed Mondays

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AQUA PURA

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THE PALOMAR HOTEL

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ION Weddings

The perfect wedding starts here!

CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN A TIME FOR CHOCOLATE (602) 628-0390 ATimeForChocolate.com EVENT PLANNING EVENTS BY DANIELLE

(602) 405-6832

FLORISTS PJ FLOWERS & EVENTS (602) 995-4999 7828 N. 19th Ave, #12, Phoenix GIFT REGISTRIES MACY’S BILTMORE (602) 468-2100 2410 E. Camelback Road, Phoenix MACY’S FASHION SQ. (480) 840-0333 7014 East Camelback Road, Scottsdale JEWELERS CORNELIS HOLLANDER (480) 423-5000 4151 N Marshall Way, Scottsdale DIAMOND JIM’S 6005 N 16th St, Phoenix (602) 466-1772 10001 W. Bell Rd, Sun City (602) 977-2299 HOTEL WYNDHAM GARDEN INN (602) 604-4906 3600 N. 2nd Ave, Phoenix PHOTOGRAPHERS SCOTTY KIRBY ScottyKirby.com

(480) 369-4529

FERNANDO HERNANDEZ (602) 622-4792 NightFuse.com FRANKLIN DIAZ

(602) 214-4019

PHOTO BOOTHS CRAZY SHOTZ CrazyShotz.com

(602) 487-7066

NO FUSS PHOTO BOOTH (480) 766-0349 NoFussPhotoBooths.com OFFICIANTS KEVIN BUSHAW (602) 369-6680 RICHARD STEVENS (602) 486-6996 TEMPEST DUJOUR tempestdujour@gmail.com TUXEDOS ROSE TUXEDO (602) 957-0089 4031 North 24th Street, Suite C, Phoenix, To have your business listed here, call Jack Tesorero at (602) 750-1164 September 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 59

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t’s not whether you win or lose ... it’s how you play the game. But winning’s pretty good. Either way, being part of a team builds character and creates camaraderie. And then there’s exercise, playing out in the fresh air, building strong muscles, too. Besides that, it’s can be a lot of fun! The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat aside. And best of all, you’ll make lots of friends.

Fall is the perfect time to get involved in LGBT athletics. Softball, volleyball,

Photos by Scotty Kirby Text by Deon Brown

kickball, flag football ... there’s plenty of balls to go around for everybody! Be part of the LGBT sports scene in the Valley of the Sun! If you’re looking to be part of a team, ION Arizona has the perfect Fall Sports Guide here for you with details about how you can join in the fun! Go team, go! See you out on the field and on the court, or pool!

Pictured above: Leslie Harper, Joel Horton, Rob Repta.

On the Cover: Leslie Harper, Sothy Chau, Joel Horton, Rob Repta.

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“Hey, batter, batter, batter — SWING!” It doesn’t matter if you’re a pitcher or a catcher, (wink, wink) you’re bound to hit a home run here. Cactus Cities is a slow pitch softball league primarily for the LGBT community for amateur athletes of all skill levels and abilities. For 20 years they’ve been “in” on the outfield.

The Bronies and Desert Heat are just a couple of the teams in this popular league. Michael Garcia claims that he’s the “Queen B” of the Bronies. “It doesn’t sparkle, but I guard this diamond with my life!”

Waylon Smith has been on the league since 2007 and claims, “I’m a versatile player–I’m comfortable in several positions.” That’s the spice of life on or off the field.

WWW.IONAZ.COM September 2015

The league plays almost every Sunday at Cesar Chavez Park at 35th Ave & Baseline in Phoenix. The Saguaro Cup in April is the premier baseball tournament of the Southwest.

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Fall season play is from September 13-November 8.

Teammates from Desert Heat, John Sanchez & Aaron Maya 62

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Who doesn’t love getting a few balls thrown in their face? Touch base with the League at CactusCities.com

Bronies Kohl Eisenhour, Michael Garcia, Danny Hoffman, and Waylon Smith September 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 63

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ith a variety of skill levels, Arizona Gay Volleyball League has spot in the sand reserved just for you! Everyone gets a chance to set and spike.

Don’t think you’ll fit in? Relax.

“Arizona Gay Volleyball is a sports league that doesn’t discriminate,” said Robert Wellman. “They allow everyone, to compete in a wonderful social setting.”

Volleyball is all about big hearts– and little shorts. “It’s a great place to grow as a player, but also personally. I’ve met many great friends and made close relationships. I hope to these keep forever,” Jovani Pereyra. Both men play for the Woodchucks.

Desert Volleyball Alliance offers indoor court volleyball and more, with open play every Saturday at Sports Club at City Square, and League Play Wednesdays at Christown YMCA. For the AZGV fall season, registration opens at the Season Kick-off Party on September 10 at 7 p.m. at Pizza People Pub, 1326 N. Central Ave. Play starts September 28.

Find out more about Arizona Gay Volleyball when you visit AZGV.org The Desert Volleyball Alliance Fall Season Registration closes on September 12 and begins competetive play September 16th. Visit Desertvolleyball.com

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Jovani Pereyra & Rob Wellman ot the Woodchucks September 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 65

Matt Michaelson & Chris Sierra

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ll you need is Love. “Before the game even starts, the score is ‘Love All.’” says Matt Michaelson.

“It’s such a positive way to start the game.”

Just like falling in love, tennis is commitment. The Cactus Tennis Alliance is a social tennis group for LGBT players and their allies in Phoenix. They sponsor competitive and social events.

Drop-in Tennis is held on Friday and Sunday evenings at Phoenix Tennis Center.

Chris Sierra joined the alliance as a beginner where he was welcomed. “We all want to channel our ‘inner Serena,’ when we’re playing.”

What’s on the horizon for the League? “We’re all excited that short-shorts are back in style,” Sierra said.

“Besides the obvious benefits of exercise,” Michaelson said, “It’s a great way to make new friends, both, on and off the court. It’s also a great way to ‘catwalk’ your new, matching tennis gear.” Snap!

Drop-in Tennis is held on Friday and Sunday evenings at Phoenix Tennis Center, 6330 N. 21st Ave.

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ere’s a sport that’s right up your “alley!” Not only that, the shoes are cute, too.

With six leagues participating in the Phoenix Unified Gay Bowling Alliance (PUGBA) you’ve got a prime opportunity to meet lots of people and have fun. Find out all about “hambones” and “golden turkeys.” Games and tournaments are held at Let It Roll! at 8925 N. 12th St. in Phoenix.

There’s an opportunity to hit the lanes almost every night of the week and bowlers are of age with a wide variety of experience level from novice to lane shark.

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Bowling has allowed me to meet great people while having a great time. That’s the way I roll!” said Jennifer Katz.

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Stacy Louis is thrilled to be a new board member at PUGBA. He sponsors several teams and happy to share Stacy’s @ Melrose as an event space for bowlers and their parties.

Need a good reason to bowl? “I like handling balls and knocking things over. It just makes sense,” said Tanner Cordell. If you’ve got 15 pound balls, make sure you walk carefully. Now, get your mind out of the “gutter,” people!

For more information about how you can get involved visit PUGBA.org

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“I’ve gained friends and a few bruises along the way, but I wouldn’t trade them for the world,” says Marcus Tan.

F

irst and foremost, rugby is a state of mind and spirit. It’s like war, but without the frills. Rough and tumble, this game is all about developing bonds, too. “It’s a brotherhood like no other,” said Ismael Avalos. “We sweat and get dirty together as brothers.”

“My favorite part is being able to take my frustrations from the week here on people every Saturday–and not go to jail,” said Marqueles Graham.

Interested? Meet the men at Colter Park for Phoenix Storm Rugby Boot Camp Saturday, September 19 from 9am to noon, and join in the fun and violence–in a brotherly way.

Boot Camp is our orientation day where we explain to all those interested in playing and joining in on all the activities of the storm can learn Rugby 101, do some simple basic drills, exercise and get a feel for what they can expect with playing with the Storm.

For more information find them on Facebook.

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Marcus Tan, Lorenzo Alonzo, Ismael Avalos, Marquelus Graham, and “Nappi” September 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 71

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ith nearly a dozen teams and almost 200 players in the Valley, Friends with Benefits Kickball League created a terrific opportunity for players to go to a beautiful park nearly every Sunday morning and run around on the field, chasing other people and kicking a big, red ball. Yelling and screaming is encouraged.

Sometimes snacks are served.

And beverages. (It usually ain’t Kool Aid.) Each team develops their own personality. Release the Kraken!

The Bunt Pirates don’t exactly sail the Seven Seas, but they know how to seize the booty, matey!

“What’s not to love about a bunch of tipsy people gathered specifically for ridiculousness and sweating?” asked Paige Spencer.

“I love connecting with the Phoenix gay community in such a unique and fun way. It’s a great option outside of going to the bars,” said Wes Scruggs.

See what it’s all about! The new season begins September 13 at Steele Indian School Park.

For more information go to FWBkickball.com

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Paige Spencer, Wes Scruggs, Ryan Martin, & DJ Larson September 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 73

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eel like practicing the Australian Crawl, Butterfly or Breaststroke? Even if you Doggy Paddle you can meet with other LGBT swimming

enthusiasts at Christown YMCA on Thursday nights. 5517 N. 17th Ave. Bring Your Own Speedo!

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or over 25 years this LGBT league of dart players has been hitting the bull’s-eye and raising thousands of dollars for worthy charities.

Find out where to meet by visiting GLADphxAZ.org September 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 75

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League play is on Saturdays at Coronado Park, 1717 N. 12th St. in Phoenix . For more information check out PhoenixFlagFootball.com or search for their page on Facebook.

Fall season begins September 11.

Hurry! Gay Bowl XV is October 9-11 in San Diego. You won’t want to miss out.

We want the PGFFL to be a welcoming community, safe for anyone to join and play regardless of who you are or your experience,” said Rob Repta. “Much more important are the lives that our sport changes and the bonds that form. It’s not just a league, it’s a family.”

amaraderie. Sportsmanship. Personal Growth. Sure, that’s great! But don’t forget about all the fun! With flag football you don’t have the cumbersome helmets and pads, either. You’ll also get a great work out on the field.

C

July 2015

#HOOKER

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SATURDAY NIGHT STARLETS

IBT’S

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SEPTEMBER 2015

Vol. 9, Issue 6

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

New KFC “Colonel” Bernie Sanders.

OUTRAGEOUS! Louisville, KENTUCKY – Fabled fast food giant KFC appointed Vermont independent senator and democratic socialist as well as U.S. presidential hopeful Bernard “Bernie Sanders” as the kindly new spokesperson for the poultry peddlers of Southern deep fried goodness formerly known as calorific Kentucky Fried Chicken.

OUTRAGEOUS!

SNL alum Norm MacDonald recently acted as shills for KFC as a reincarnated “Colonel Sanders.

“We feel Colonel Senator Bernie Sanders is a perfect choice. With over 18,500 restaurants in over 100 countries across the world and his quest for the powerful office on the planet and leader of the Free World, why wouldn’t he be appointed as the ‘new Colonel?’ said one anonymous source.

Corporate mother cluckers feel that As “Colonel” Sanders reviving the image of the representative will have access to ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL the chicken’s recipe of the Grand and Glorious Old using 11 secret herbs and spices. If he wins the U.S. presidential South with a “chip off the old block” of the company’s founder, Col. Harland Sanders, who election he’ll also have the ability to utilize nuclear warheads and kill every single living passed away in 1980, would be a shot in the chicken on the planet. arm (and wing) for the chain, lagging a distant second behind Chick-Fil-A.

OUTRAGEOUS! NBC Saturday Night Live comedian Darrell Hammond and untalented, out of work

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OUTRAGEOUS!

ISIS Jihadists Debut “Sunni Girl” Doll OUTRAGEOUS!

Aleppo, SYRIA – Salafi jihadist extremist militant groups and self-proclaimed Islamic state and caliphate officials manufactured and presented the official “Sunni Girl” doll for a generation of excited young girls across Syria, Iraq, Libya, Nigeria and other insurgent states.

Laundress, or Hazimah the One Who Is Not as Ugly as Her Sister, Maqsooda, will offer each girl child teachable moments for years to come.

OUTRAGEOUS!

Dolls have a variety of fashions to choose from. “We have hijabs and full-body burqas for dolls,” said designer As-Salamu Alaykum.

“They come in an TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL many exciting hues of black.”

“This is a huge step to make ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS young girls feel included as part of idealogy and jihadist beliefs,” said The first marketing Sunni Girl director and Doll store terrorist opened with great development fanfare last month at vice Aleppo Fashion Square. president AbuYoung girls lined up for hours Mohammed ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY to get theirACCIDENTAL very own Taalluf al-Zawahiri.

“Our and Naadirah dolls.

Sunni Girl dolls ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL are supreme and Each Sunni Girl Doll also comes indefectible examples with a removable head for easy of Islamic insurgency. execution.

As long as they are subservient and obey.”

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! “Sunni Girl” dolls like Aneezah the Goat Girl, Fuseylah the Expert

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DRAG STARZ FAN FAVES

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n every family tree, there’s always that one broken branch that leaves us with splintered hearts. For some of my readers, that branch is their deadbeat dad. Therefore, this month’s installment of Favorite Bitch® is all about daddies. And these sperm donors are only good for one thing ... a name on a birth certificate!

Dear Miss Tiger, My estranged father is upset because I’m 19 and my boyfriend is 72. I refuse to choose between them. Help!

— Amber In Las Vegas Dear Who Needs A Father When You Have A Sugar Daddy, While most couples your age are picking out matching tattoos, it looks like you and your Boo will be shopping for side-by-side burial plots!

P.S. Amber, I don’t know about you, but when I take my ass to bed, my man bettah be taking out the anaconda and not his goddamn teeth!

Dear Miss Tiger, My dad is super jealous of my new stepfather. I need your fierce advice!

— Bryan Dear Werk It Like A Drag Queen Needing Pageant Money, Dads are like cereal boxes. Go with the one with the better free prize!

Dear Miss Tiger, My dad bought me a car and the engine blew out four days later. I’m stranded and he won’t pay to get it fixed. Why won’t he do something about the mess he got me into?

— Kevin

Dear I See A Trip To AutoZone In Your Future, If your raggedy daddy barely had enough money to buy a broke-down hooptie, what in THE HELL makes you think he has the money to get it fixed?

Dear Miss Tiger, A day before my wedding, my dad pulled me aside and said he felt my fiancé was gay! I thought he was making it up just to stop me from marrying him. Despite my dad’s warning, I got married anyway. Dad was recently downtown and claims he saw my husband leaving three different gay bars. Should I confront him about it?

-Sharon Dear Father Knows Best, To hell with confronting your husband.

You need to be bulldozing ya daddy up out the closet!

How does he know where all the gay bars are ... unless he himself has been sashaying all up in them. If you ask me, the only man in your life gagging on eggplant is your darling dad. Here’s some advice you can really use - keep that husband of yours away from that old queen! When daddy advised you not to marry him it wasn’t because he cared about you, darling. He wanted your man for his damn self!

MISS TIGER Advice Columnist • SiriusXM radio personality ... and everyone’s #FAVORITEBITCH Website FavoriteBitch.com Facebook /MissTiger Advice ask@misstiger.com September 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 93

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by Sean Kapera @ Synergistic Studios SynergisticStudios.com

Ricky Cruz

FOLLOW ON INSTAGRAM @SYNERGISTICSTUDIOS

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by Addison DeWitt

I

t’s a sad, sad world when you can’t even enjoy the company of an attractive companion for a few hours for a predetermined fee, strictly for the company of their pleasure–I mean, “pleasure of their company.” The scandal over the seizure and closure of RentBoy.com in New York City will severely B affect the bank accounts of several professional dates here in Arizona. I’d publish their names, but whereas they have no problem displaying their pulchritudes on the World Wide Web or in XXX rated blue movies for discerning adults over 18, they get all pissy when they see their names in print with their picture here in ION. And it isn’t even their real name! Go figure! (Everything is is 100% real!)

The good news is with Rentboy.com yanked offline, that I’m saving lots and lots of money. But now I yank alone.

Once again our city was taken by storm when celebrity queens from RuPaul’s Drag Race put on a showcase with spangles,

bangles, baubles and beads at the Orpheum Theatre. I spotted the handsome, hunktacular Emm Jay after the show being mauled by season 7 finalist Pearl. (A) The question begs: Emm Jay paints his face to look like a Cardinal when he goes to football games. Yes, he looks sort of like, well, an angry bird. (B) In that case, as a enthusiast of female A impersonation, why doesn’t Emm Jay wear lipstick, rouge and false eyelashes when he goes to these shows so he’d look sort of like a lady? I don’t get it. I like to dress like an altar boy when I go to church sometimes, now that RentBoy.com is shut down, but that’s for other reasons.

After the show that darling professional masseur (not the RentBoy.com type of “masseur.” He’s legit.) Tanner Cordell (C) cozied up with Latrice Royale, Joslyn Fox and Pearl, where he went to their hotel room and played ... board games. Yes. Life on the road is lonely and drag queens play board games. My question to Tanner: Did you play (Poop) C Chutes and Ladders or (Hide Yo’) Candyland?

A little bird (not a Cardinal) told me that Tanner played another kind of a game called “Spin the Bottle” where he made out with Pearl. (Reports are that she’s a good really good kisser.)

Tanner, I’m not one to kiss ‘n’ tell, but don’t let Emm Jay know about these shenanigans with Pearl. He just might dress up in his Cardinal outfit and peck your eyes out.

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he total Lunar Eclipse on September 28 turbo charges that same Super Moon of the evening, the second of three this year, making it the closest one to Earth in 2015. Expect it to liberate your mind. Avoid an overdose of brainstorming. Too much media might fry your mind, so beware of overstimulation. Bad idea to go shopping for clothes, but a good idea to pull a “Britney” and cut your hair. This September is one for prostitutes and skeptics to rejoice!

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20 Decisions, decisions ... your quick-witted and able to think on your feet when you’re faced with a choice. A choice that could alter your life forever. Not really, but it’s something you need to consider carefully.

Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20 People know that you’re reliable and trustworthy. For you, it’s peace at any cost.

And, boy, it’s gonna cost you plenty this month. Are you hiding something? Your truthful nature helps you out.

Gemini May 21 - June 21 You have the cunning ability of a fox. You’re lively and versatile, beyond as a “top” or “bottom.” You’re inquisitive mind gets you into a tight spot. What we’re trying to say is mind your own business this month.

Cancer June 22 - July 22 Natural intuition gives you an inside edge in most situations. Your ability to follow your gut instinct will get you out of a jam. Your shrewd and cautious nature pays off. You get something you’ve been wanting.

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22 People know you as liberal and openminded–even if you’re a Republican.

Your enthusiasm is contagious and you inspire someone when you reach out. Just don’t get too grabby. We hate it when you get grabby and hands-y.

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Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22 People think of you as modest and shy.

Sometimes it comes across as “fussy.” Don’t be that way. If it’s your birthday, the partial solar eclipse on the 13th jumpstarts the right side of your brain. Watch out in this left brain dominant world. It can be scary.

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22 Diplomacy is your middle name. You’d be a great ambassador because you can charm the pants off of anybody. You frequently do just that. A birthday finds you flirting with a United Nations of potential lovers.

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23 Passion and excitement are the buzzwords for you this month. Determination pays off: you get what you’re going after. Will your own jealousy sabotage the plan? Someone reveals a secret obsession about you.

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23 Everything is sunnyside up. The glass is always half-full. Don’t let this interfere with your judgment. You’re acting a little careless mid-month, but will be able to rectify a tactical blunder, blaming it on some idiot who deserves to go down. In a big way.

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20 People call you “Mary Poppins” behind your back. Why? Because you’re “practically perfect in every way.” Your discipline and reserve is admirable, but it also makes you a little bitchy. Ease up on the “perfection” stuff. It drives imperfect people crazy.

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 Originality and inventiveness are hallmarks of your quirky personality. Your “Smarty Pants” intellectualism makes people feel slightly inferior, so ease up on the Encyclopedia Brittanica crap. Keep it real, dog. Know what I’m sayin’?

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20 Compassion and kindness make you a regular Mother Teresa. But, c’mon! We know that you’re secretly open to suggestions.

Sometimes those suggestions are racy.

Follow someone’s suggestion with caution.