Caro Issue 5

Solitude:Issue 5 MARCH 2016

IN THIS

ISSUE:

EVERYTHING IN THIS ZINE WAS CREATED

BY MARIE ANNETOINETTE, UNLESS OTHERWISE STATED

1.

2.

Table of Contents (You Are Here )

Letter From the Editor:Solitude and Loneliness 3.

Art:Enjoying My Solitude 4.

5.

Go Away A Playlist

Incidents in the Life:Journal Entries 6.

Contemplative Prayer

7.

Spring 2016 Wishlist

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR Hi guys! This past Spring and Summer were full of silent months for me. I tried to put together an issue for April but work, school, and the rest of life stepped in :\ Fortunately I am able to put my all into the 5th issue of caro this Fall :) So much has been happening… I just feel red even when I’ve done nothing at all. I have been able to watch the evidence of the organizing that’s been going on around #BlackLivesMa er, #TransLivesMa ter, and #BlackWomenMa er and it’s exci ng. I definitely want to be more connected to local movements, so that’s part of my goals for this summer. Really I want to be more connected overall and the major block is my lack of transporta on and how far I live outside of town. It makes it difficult to do anything but go to work and go home a erward.

Some of the redness has been the realiza on that I just… I give up. I have given up on this American system. Watching the footage and reading the accounts on #Bal moreUprising feels like traveling back in me to last year.

And watching as piece by piece of discovered evidence tore down the lies the Dallas SheriiffThe reality is that police are violent, the jus ce system is violent, and nothing is going to change without radical ac on. Not only that but ac on needs support from the larger community. I am wondering what are we willing to do? What are we willing to demand? How far are we willing to go? Is there actually going to be a revolu on as opposed to new efforts at reforming the current socio-poli cal system? If so, what will it look like? These are the ques ons that have been tossing and turning in my mind over the last few months. The only me I’m not thinking about this is when I’m watching a favorite show on Hulu or reading fanfic.

Locked in Fantasy Very o en I feel removed from the past, from my past. I talked about it in Issue 4 —feeling like I don’t have a background exper se or experience to write from, there’s nothing that I know enough about to write on it —for it to be a believable aspect of a character. I feel like I’m wri ng from emp ness. Part of it is that’s it’s hard for me to remember my past. Recently I was discussing with my sisters and my younger sister noted that when we would visit our grandparents they would

argue and our grandfather would use us as a shield, taking us out for ice cream every me he had a disagreement with our grandmother. The thing is, I didn’t remember the arguments; I remembered the ice cream but not the nega vity. both my younger sisters and both of my older sisters remember it though. I just… I know that my perspec ve on our family history is different because I wasn’t aware for a lot of it. My nose was always in a book, and when it wasn’t in book I was daydreaming.

" Nearly everyone with ADHD answers an emphatic yes to the question: “Have you always been more sensitive than others to rejection, teasing, criticism, or your own perception that you have failed or fallen short?” This is the definition of a condition called rejection-sensitive dysphoria.

When I ask ADHDers to elaborate on it, they say: “I’m always tense. I can never relax. I can’t just sit there and watch a TV program with the rest of the family. I can’t turn my brain and body off to go to sleep at night. Because I’m sensitive to my perception that other people disapprove of me, I am fearful in personal interactions.” They are describing the inner experience of being hyperactive or hyper-aroused. Remember that most kids after age 14 don’t show much overt hyperactivity, but it’s still present internally, if you ask them about it.

The emotional response to the perception of failure is catastrophic for those with the condition.

The term “dysphoria” means “difficult to bear,” and most people with ADHD report that they “can hardly stand it.” They are not wimps; disapproval hurts them much more than it hurts neurotypical people.

If emotional pain is internalized, a person may experience depression and loss of self-esteem in the short term. If emotions are externalized, pain can be expressed as rage at the person or situation that wounded them.

In the long term, there are two personality outcomes. The person with ADHD becomes a people pleaser, always making sure that friends, acquaintances, and family approve of him.

After years of constant vigilance, the ADHD person becomes a chameleon who has lost track of what she wants for her own life. Others find that the pain of failure is so bad that they refuse to try anything unless they are assured of a quick, easy, and complete success.

Taking a chance is too big an emotional risk. Their lives remain stunted and limited.

For many years, rejection-sensitive dysphoria has been the hallmark of what has been called atypical depression. The reason that it was not called “typical” depression is that it is not depression at all but the ADHD nervous system’s instantaneous response to the trigger of rejection. "

Devastated by Disapproval” . .,ADDitude Magazine William Dodson,MD -

So, to introduce a new recurring segment in the zine: A er years spent in rela onship with people in the Church, I was… burnt out. And honestly I’m s ll burnt out. I don’t understand the lack of empathy, sympathy and caring among church people. I don’t understand why the sexual, gender, and racial dynamics in the Church are exactly the same as in the world. However, I’ve felt the need to re-engage with a congrega on that is ac vely pursuing racial reconcilia on in way that I’ve never seen before; it’s not perfect and there are a lot of things I don’t agree with. But I also feel really drawn to the people there and like I said, there is an understanding of systemic racism and other social ills and an ac ve commitment to address them as much as possible, both physically and spiritually that I haven’t seen in other places.

I’ve also felt the need to do something different in my personal devo onal life than I did before to deepen my rela onship with God and protect my heart. The reality is that the last few years of violence against Black people, Black women, and Black Trans women and the an pathy that many of the people I used to call friends have towards these viola ons happening in front of their eyes, have rubbed me raw. My belief in solidarity is weakened. My belief in other Believers is weakened. And even my belief that God cares about what is happening to us has weakened. My belief in God Himself hasn’t weakened per se. But in the words of Ravi Zacharias, sovereignty from the wrong angle can look and feel like tyranny. I don’t want to believe that that’s who God is but I also know that I’ve been personally distant because of my doubts, afraid of the answers I might receive. I’ve been reading a lot about mindfulness, medita on, and I found that in the Chris an tradi on there is more about such prac ces than many people know and was surprised that my mother, who had passed away in 2004, had a few books in her library on the topic of Contempla ve Prayer.

Contempla ve prayer is a form of medita on in the Chris an tradi on. Rather than clearing your mind, contempla ve prayer is about contempla ng scripture or contempla ng the nature of Jesus Christ, therefore crea ng an inward conversa on between you and God. My favorite contempla ve, for whom I am (roundaboutly) named, is Jeanne-Marie Bouvier de la Mo e-Guyon, known popularly as Madame Guyon. I was introduced to Madame Guyon’s wri ng through my mother who kept one of Madame Guyon’s books in the pocket of her Bible

cover, A Short and Easy Method of Prayer. You can read her biography on Wikipedia, but to give you a brief sketch of her life and the book: Madame Guyon (1648 to 1717), a French woman and writer. She is known as a Chris an mys c who promoted a type of prayer now known as Contempla ve Prayer or Quie sm. This li le book, A Short and Easy Method or Prayer, was wri en for a few individuals who wanted to love God with their whole hearts by Madame Guyon. A Short and Easy Method of Prayer was originally circulated privately but proved to be so popular that it was finally made available to the public in 1685. This book gives simple instruc ons in contempla ve prayer, prayer without words or dis nct ideas. It also encourages readers to accept all things as from God's hand. At the me of prin ng, which was a rather stormy era in France religious history, the work resulted in Madame Guyon being both a acked and defended by some of the most brilliant writers of her day, even resul ng in her imprisonment for a me This brief trea se is divided into 24 chapters, each chapter a step along the path to God. These clear and simple precepts-translated from the French by Thomas D. Brook and published in English in this edi on in 1867-were wri en with the average person in mind, and include Madame Guyon's thoughts on medita on, self-abandonment, suffering, self-examina on, distrac ons and tempta ons, prayer as a sacrifice, the dis nc on between inward and outward acts, and more. Madame Guyon's words of encouragement will inspire the modern reader much as they inspired her 17th-century counterpart. The work con nues to a ract strong defenders and cri cs, but many find in it a frui ul way to seek God. I’ll be wri ng more in the next few issues about my journey in this new arena of prayer as well as with the new congrega on I’m a ending. I have my reserva ons, but I’m also hopeful.

EXCERPT QUOTED FROM: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeanne_Guyon http://www.amazon.com/A-Short-Easy-Method-Prayer/dp/1602063729 http://www.amazon.com/Short-Easy-Method-Prayer-Enhanced-ebook/dp/B002HWRJDU

I’ve been feeling odd, and artsy, and bookish this spring; it’s one of the things that happens when I spend a lot of me with myself. My inner middle school misfit starts coming out in full force, and all I want to do wear chokers, and s rrup leggings, and snuggly over‐sized sweaters.

Novelty jewelry and fun socks are just a plus.

marie annteoinette mercastle.com issuu.com/jmelkw marieannetoinette@gmail.com

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