Optimist Print Edition 04.01.24 - The Pessimist

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President Dr. Phil Schubert sings “I’m Just Ken” at the 2024 Oscars.

Schubert Embraces Kenergy at ACU

NEWS

From campus president to Ken-spired Leader

BY JOURNALIST KEN GRADUATED WITH AN A IN STYLE

In a surprising turn of events, University President Dr. Phil Schubert has undergone a remarkable transformation inspired by an unexpected muse: Ken from Barbie.

What started as a casual movie night with his daughter quickly turned into a journey of self-discovery for the university president.

It all began when President Schubert found himself enthralled by the charisma and confidence exuded by Ken, Barbie’s iconic beau, on the big screen. As he watched Ken navigate

his way through various adventures with unwavering self-assurance, a spark ignited within Schubert.

Determined to embrace this newfound inspiration, Schubert embarked on a mission to channel his inner “Kenergy” – the epitome of Ken’s suave and sophisticated demeanor. With a twinkle in his eye and a newfound spring in his step, he began to embody the essence of Ken in both his personal and professional life.

Schubert told The Optimist: “In the grand theater of life, let us not be afraid to don the costumes of our imagination and dance boldly upon the stage of possibility.”

Gone were the days of

stiff formality and rigid bureaucracy; President Schubert’s office became a hub of vibrant energy and positivity. He traded in his traditional suits for colorful ensembles reminiscent of Ken’s stylish wardrobe, much to the delight of the campus community.

Wendy Kilmer, director of communications and media relations, said, “every day with President Schubert is a whirlwind of inspiration and innovation.

He doesn’t just lead; he empowers us all to dream bigger and reach higher.”

Students and faculty alike were taken aback by Schubert’s newfound zest for life. His infectious en-

thusiasm and boundless optimism breathed new life into the campus, fostering a sense of unity and camaraderie among all who walked its hallowed halls.

As news of Schubert’s remarkable journey spread, the campus buzzed with excitement and curiosity. His story served as a reminder that true leadership knows no bounds – and that sometimes, the most unexpected sources of inspiration can lead to the most profound transformations.

“Dr. Schubert’s leadership isn’t just about steering the ship; it’s about teaching us all to navigate our own Dreamhouses with courage and creativity,” said Tiffany

Sparklepink, sophomore glitter major from Cookietown, Oklahoma. “He’s the glitter glue that holds our Barbie Dream University together, inspiring us to dream big and sparkle brighter every day!”

And so, amidst the bustling campus of Abilene Christian University, President Phil Schubert stood tall and proud, a beacon of Kenergy for all to admire and emulate.

In embracing his inner Ken, he had unlocked a world of limitless possibilities – proving once and for all that true greatness lies within the courage to embrace authenticity and embrace one’s true self.

Taylor Swift now opening act for Sing Song

BY A REPUTATION GIRLY THERE IS NO EXPLANATION

Grammy-award-winning artist Taylor Swift is set to perform as the opening act for this year’s Sing Song shows after the success of her multi-million dollar Eras Tour over the past year. The famous pop star is set to perform her entire Eras Tour set list with an estimated run time of over three hours. This will include hits from all of her major albums including multiple surprise songs as well.

“We just couldn’t pass up this opportunity,” said Cole Mason, director of Sing Song. “We reached out asking if she would be able to send in a video of her playing a song or sending a message to everyone, but she said she would rather come and perform instead. She told us that places like Rio De Janeiro

and Hong Kong are cool, but it is nothing compared to the great luxurious city of Abilene, Texas.”

Due to the large scale of the stage, Sing Song will now be held at Wildcat Stadium in order to accommodate the large scale of Swift’s production.

However, do not get it twisted, the club and class acts of Sing Song are still the main event.

“I understand that I am popular,” Swift said. “But I know that I am not, and never will be, as popular as Sing Song. They produce the best music and the greatest performance of the year and no amount of albums about my boy problems can change that.”

The student body seems to have a split response when it comes to Swift taking the stage before the shows. Some students who consider themselves “Swifties” say that they

Feral cats raided the Margarett and Herman Brown Library Starbucks the Thursday night before Easter.

According to student workers, the staff had followed protocol in closing

the cafe. In preparation for the upcoming holiday weekend, they took extra measures in cleaning the facility and restocking supplies for re-opening on Monday. It looked like an average night for the team as they finished serving students and closing at 11 p.m.

NEWS

New renovations to the Bible building PAGE 2

NEWS

New dormitory for cats coming soon PAGE 2

IMAGE COURTESY OF HUNDREDS OF BLURRY CONCERT PHOTOS ON YOUR ICLOUD

Taylor Swift performs at a 2024 Sing Song practice.

will be front and center when it comes time for the performance, while others claim they would rather have to live in Mabee Hall for the rest of their lives than listen to the performance.

In an attempt to entice

more students to attend the event, the Office of Spiritual Life is offering 1989 spiritual formation credits for all students in attendance at the event.

Depending on the success of Swift’s opening perfor-

mance, ACU will consider implementing more opening acts to Sing Song performances in the years to come.

Early candidates for future years have been rumored to be artists such as John Mayer, Joe Jonas and Harry Styles.

Feral cats raid Starbucks before Easter break

BY MOCHA MITCHELL BREWING THE MORNING NEWS... AND COFFEE

The Bean adds ‘Girl Dinner’ option PAGE 2

“We just did the same old thing we do every night, which includes making some last minute drinks for those students who stumble in right before we close, and heating up any baked good items upon request,” said Terry Thompson, junior education major from

Tyler, Texas. “Since we have Friday off, it was not as busy as it usually is and we decided to start cleaning up earlier than we normally do.”

The team closed the kitchen first. Once the food items were off limits, they carefully organized the

baked goods in storage before completely closing the store and doing the same with the espresso beans, coffee grounds, and flavored syrups. By 10:45 p.m everything was set in its place.

At 11 p.m the staff was dismissed for the weekend.

See CATS RAID, P. 3

NEWS

New directors for 2024 FilmFest PAGE 2

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2 | MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2024 | NEWS

THE PESSIMIST

New dorm idea designed for campus cats

BY WHISKERS THE CAT ONLY WRITING THIS SO I CAN LIVE HERE FOR FREE

In a groundbreaking move aimed at fostering a more inclusive campus environment, ResLife has announced the construction of a new dormitory specifically designed for the beloved campus cats.

This innovative project, the first of its kind in higher education, aims to provide a safe and comfortable living space for the feline companions who have become cherished members of the ACU community.

Located on the plot of land where Old Mabee stands, the new dormitory, aptly named “Purrington Hall,” features state-ofthe-art amenities tailored to the unique needs of its residents. From cozy sleeping nooks adorned with plush cushions to spacious play areas equipped with scratching posts and climbing trees, every aspect of Purrington Hall has been meticulously de-

signed to ensure the utmost comfort and happiness of its furry occupants.

“This initiative underscores our commitment to creating a campus environment that embraces all members of the ACU community, including our beloved campus cats,” remarked Zach Snyder, Director of Residential Experience. “By providing a dedicated living space for our feline friends, we hope to further strengthen the sense of community and belonging that defines life at ACU.” The announcement has generated widespread excitement and support among students and staff alike, many of whom have developed close bonds with the campus cats over the years.

“I think it’s absolutely purr-fect!” exclaimed Emily Rogers, sophomore psychology major and avid cat lover. “The campus cats bring so much joy and comfort to our daily lives. Knowing that they’ll have their own dorm where

they can relax and play just makes my heart happy.”

Similarly, faculty members have applauded the initiative for its innovative approach to campus life.

“As an educator, I believe it’s important to create a nurturing environment where all members of the community feel valued and respected,” noted Dr. Phil Schubert, president of the university.

“The construction of Purrington Hall is a testament to ACU’s commitment to inclusivity and compassion.”

Construction of Purrington Hall is already underway, with a team of architects and contractors working diligently to ensure that every detail meets the highest standards of quality and comfort. The dormitory is slated to open its doors to its first residents in the upcoming semester, much to the delight of the campus cats and their human admirers.

For the campus cats, it represents not just a new place to call home, but a

PHOTO CURTESY OF COOL CATS CONSTRUCTION LLC

Campus cats perch outside of the new cat dorms, located at Old Mabee. symbol of the unwavering love and appreciation they receive from the ACU community each and every

day. For the students and staff who call ACU home, it serves as a reminder of the transformative power

of compassion, empathy, and the unbreakable bond between humans and their furry companions.

‘Girl Dinner’ trend influences new meals in the Bean

BY A INFLUENCER WRITING THIS FOR CLICKS AND VIEWS

The Bean has always prided itself on offering a variety of nutritious and satisfying meal options for students. However, a recent addition to the menu has sparked controversy and raised eyebrows across campus: the introduction of the “Girl Dinner” diet option.

The “Girl Dinner” diet option, unveiled with much fanfare, promises a light and delicate meal for those seeking a more slender figure. At times, the diet consists of one sting of a string cheese stick, one olive, and two double-A batteries. The new offering has drawn criticism for its questionable nutritional value and potential safety hazards.

Monday’s option features a single leaf of lettuce garnished with a solitary cherry tomato, alongside a side of decorative pebbles for added crunch.

Tuesday’s menu boasts a petite cup of air-popped popcorn sprinkled with a dash of optimism, accompanied by a handful of cotton candy clouds for whimsical flavor.

BY CHEESE CURD

Bella Litebite, senior AA battery enthusiast from Burnt Corn, Alabama, digs into her meal.

Wednesday’s special includes a miniature salad composed of one baby carrot and a solitary raisin, served with a sprinkle of glitter for extra sparkle.

Thursday offers a delicately sliced cucumber accompanied by a whisper of ranch dressing, along with a side of rainbow-colored

confetti for a festive touch.

Finally, Friday’s offering presents a dainty cup of vegetable broth served with a solitary crouton for added flavor, complemented by a sprinkle of fairy dust for a magical dining experience.

David Casida, senior director of ACU dining services, defended the

controversial menu addition, stating, “We believe in providing options that cater to the diverse needs and preferences of our students. The ‘Girl Dinner’ option is designed for those who prefer a lighter meal or are watching their calorie intake.”

“The ‘Girl Dinner’ op-

tion at The Bean is like a dream come true for me,” said Sophia Glittershine, sophomore ballet major from Hell, Michigan. “It’s so chic and dainty, perfect for keeping up with my busy schedule while staying fabulous. Plus, who wouldn’t want to add a little extra sparkle to their day?”

However, the backlash was swift and fierce, with students and faculty expressing concerns over the promotion of unhealthy eating habits and the inclusion of non-food items in the diet plan.

Elodie Howell, the campus nutritionist, voiced her reservations about the new diet option, cautioning against its potential risks. “While we encourage mindful eating and portion control, it’s essential to prioritize nutritional balance and safety,” Howell said.

“A diet consisting of such minimal food items and the inclusion of non-edible objects can have serious implications for one’s health and well-being.”

As debates rage on across campus about the appropriateness of the “Girl Dinner” diet option, The Bean finds itself at the center of a contentious discussion about body image, nutrition, and the responsibilities of institutions in promoting healthy eating habits among students. Only time will tell whether ACU dining services will reconsider their menu choices in light of the ongoing controversy.

New facility renovation to turn heads, literally

BY HAL HOOTS WONDERING WHERE THEY GET THE MONEY AND SCIENCE

With renovations at Sikes Hall – soon to be the new Mabee Hall – on schedule, and with a half dozen other campus construction projects complete, the university is slated to take a building breather. But not before it tackles one facilities issue – a global one in the Onstead-Packer Biblical Studies Building.

Those with a keen eye will detect some Cold War era anachronisms in the 1989 structure, specifically on the sphere at the center of the atrium outside the Chapel on the Hill. Just months after the World Missions Globe was placed on its axis 35 years ago, it became obsolete with the 1990 unification of North and South Yemen into a single country. Then the fall of the Berlin Wall later that year led to a reunion of East and West Germany

into a single Deutschland.

When Dr. Royce Money was inaugurated in 1991 as tenth president of the university, he planned to make his first act the correction of the globe.

“I had my Magic Markers and my ladder all ready,” Money says. “Then the Soviet Bloc fell apart. So I said, ‘Just forget it!’”

The fall of the Soviet Union led to the spin-off from the Soviet Union of Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan, Tajikistan and a dozen other countries, with only Russia remaining.

And the campus world map has grown only more inaccurate ever since.

Kevin Campbell, senior vice president for operations, admitted he never noticed the goofs on the globe until someone pointed it out recently.

“Don’t blame me,” Campbell said. “That’s how everything looked when I took geography in seventh grade.

And if it was good enough for Mrs. Crawford at Grapevine Middle School, it was good enough for me.”

But Campbell now has come up with a novel idea to fix the terrestrial trouble.

Working with students in the School of Information and Technology, the university plans to replace the globe over the summer with a giant holographic depiction of the head of Dr. Phil Schubert, 11th president of the university.

“I think it’s a great idea!”

Schubert said. “My mother always said I had a good head on my shoulders… But she also said, ‘Don’t get a big head.’ So I guess that’s something to think about…”

The holographic Onstead-Packer Memorial Schubert Head will rotate on the same axis as the World Missions Globe, but it will be able to recite interesting facts about the history of the university and to shout “Go Wildcats!” whenever anyone

enters the atrium. And student programmers hope to use artificial intelligence to program the head to answer visitor questions similar to how Schubert himself would answer them.

“The best part about it is because it’s holographic, we can update it at any time, unlike the World Missions Globe,” Campbell says. “So when Dr. Schubert’s bald spot grows, the hologram’s can, too.”

“Bald spot! What bald spot?!” Schubert said.

The changes also will give the university the opportunity to do something with the hundreds of feet of chain link fencing that has surrounded construction at Wessel Hall, Bullock Hall, the Boone Family Theatre and other construction sites for the past several years.

For the time being, the fencing will be installed to encircle the Bible building. And to avoid confusion and ensure no one expects major additions to that building – just

BY THE GALACTIC EMPIRE

Dr. Phil Schubert’s hologram watches students as they pass classes outside the Chapel on the Hill. the removal of the globe and installation of the Schubert head, the existing signs will

be altered slightly to read “(DE)CONSTRUCTION ZONE.”

OOPS office replaces, once again, the OIEB office this fall

BY BRITANY SPEARS I THOUGHT I WAS PERFORMING...

In January this year, ACU’s Board members made the final push to change the Office of Diversity Equity

and Inclusion (ODEI) to the Office of Intercultural Engagement and Belonging (OIEB).

This alteration, paired with the past events within the 2023-24 academic year, was

met with the creation of the student group Wildcats for Inclusion. While the Board’s decision was met with backlash from some ACU students and some faculty, OIEB is set to change its name again by

the first of April.

In conjunction with this, ACU has the most campus surveillance worldwide pressuring ACU students to forego holding hands or giving forehead kisses without

getting called out on Yik Yak or getting talked to by their club chaplains. All these little instances have added up, and the board deemed it appropriate to rename OIEB to the Office of Overly Per-

sonal Stuff (OOPS) so that students have not only an on-campus resource to feel like they interculturally belong but also to find solace from the small campus where everyone knows everyone.

THE PESSIMIST

NEWS | MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2024 | 3

By JOURNALISM BARBIE | ALWAYS EXCITED TO DO HER JOB

Christopher Nolan and Greta Gerwig pose in front of The Paramount Theatre.

Barbenheimer directors now involved in FilmFest

BY FILM BARBIE MADE FOR WATCHING AND REVIEWING FILM

The AT&T Learning Studio announced Friday that FilmFest heads Lyle Rickson and Satie Cantoja will step down from their positions, citing “creative differences.”

Though many student filmmakers were disappointed to see the two go, their sorrow quickly turned into

joy when it was announced that the new leaders will be none other than “Barbenheimer” directors Greta Gerwig and Christopher Nolan.

“Barbenheimer” swept at this year’s Oscars, taking home all 24 Academy Awards due to its groundbreaking genre-bend.

With this amazing win, Gerwig and Nolan were the first choice to take over the position. “‘I’m just surprised they

actually said yes,” said Callie Bones, manager at The Learning Studio. “I made the call as a joke, but they both seemed so excited. So I talked to their forty-seven assistants, and now here we are.”

With the sudden change taking place only two weeks before the annual FilmFest gala, students' opinions are mixed on the takeover.

“It’ll be an honor to work

with such an accomplished, talented director. And Christopher Nolan too,” said Zaden Valdez, a physics major and director of the short film, “Brownie Thesis.”

Jenna Waffles, multimedia major and director of “Freezes the Brain,” told the Optimist, “It’s an outrage. At our last FilmFest meeting, Gerwig bought us pizza. We thought it was nice at first, but when

we opened the box, the pizza was pink. And plastic.”

Cantoja and Rickson separately announced their next steps on Twitter. Cantoja plans to move to Australia to direct a documentary on the Great Emu War of 1932. Rickson will team up with director Brent McCorkle to write the fourteenth installment of the “God’s Not Dead” franchise.

Gerwig and Nolan also

took to Twitter to announce their new plans for the April 19 FilmFest gala. None of the originally planned student films will be shown at the event. Instead, Gerwig and Nolan will require participants to mix all of their films together to create “the crossover event of the century.”

The dress code for the gala is “pink arms race chic.”

No Mabee, baby! Dorm nets ‘Outlive’ award for being ancient

BY A LITERAL MUMMY WHO WOULD WANT TO HAVE SOMETHING SO OLD?

The university has picked this year’s recipient of its annual Dale and Rita Brown Outlive Your Life Award – Mabee Hall.

The 70 year-old structure on the west side of campus that has long housed freshmen men will be the first building to receive the honor.

The Outlive Your Life Award, named for former

board member Dale Brown and his wife Rita, was established in 2011 and honors those who have had a lasting effect on the lives of others.

The name of the award is derived from the title of a 2010 Max Lucado book, “Outlive Your Life: You Were Made to Make a Difference.” The university has bestowed the award for several years annually at Commencement Ceremonies.

“There’s no doubt the dorm has had a lasting effect on genera-

tions of young men who have trashed its interiors for years,” said Dr. Phil Schubert, president of the university, in making the announcement. “And that’s why we are pleased to award this year’s Outlive Your Usefulness…, uh, I mean Life – Award to Mabee Hall.”

For its part, Mabee Hall expressed gratitude for the honor.

“It’s so nice that my years of work have finally been recognized,” Mabee said. “Over

the years, I’ve seen so many things. Terrible things…”

Opened in the fall of 1954, the dorm was named for the Mabee Foundation of Midland and has been renovated several times over the years. It has withstood countless instances of waterslides down its hallways, firecrackers in its stairwells and washing machines overstuffed with bluejeans in its laundry rooms.

“The smells. Oh, the smells I’ve smelled…” Ma-

bee said and shuddered.

The Mabee Foundation has committed $1 million in funding to support the renovation of Sikes Hall on the south side of campus, and that dorm will become the new “Mabee Hall.”

“Wait, what?” Mabee said.

Schubert said once the new Mabee is dedicated in the fall, the university will decide what it will do with the land on campus where the old Mabee sits.

“Huh…?” Mabee said.

The building sits due west of the Don Morris Center, and architects have considered consolidating several academic units in the College of Arts, Humanities, Social Sciences and Other Miscellaneous Disciplines (CAHSSOMD) on that side of campus.

“We have such optimism for what we can do,” Schubert said. “And we’ll know more once Mabee is demolished.”

“Whaaaat!!!...”

Ted Lasso to coach men's basketball starting next season

BY TRENT CRIMM AN ACTUAL REPORTER FROM THE INDEPENDENT

A new coach is coming to campus, but it is not what any were expecting. Ted Lasso will be coaching next season for men's basketball.

Many know Ted Lasso from his successful Apple TV show "Ted Lasso," and is a fan favorite among many soccer and American football fans. He has decided yet again to jump into a different sport in hopes of continuing his success.

"I thought since I have done this jump before, why not do it again," said Lasso.

"As the man once said, the harder you work, the luckier you get."

ACU decided to sign Lasso after his win for AFC Richmond against their rival, Manchester City, and finishing second overall in the tournament. This was a surprise win after the difficult times they faced in the starting games.

Lasso not only knew how to

coach, but also how to make a team understand each other as a person. He made sure to check on his players and understand why they sometimes act out in the locker room or on the field. This has overall helped the players feel more connected as they play.

"I had my doubts at first, which is why I hired him, but he has done a wonderful job at changing everybody's perspective, not only on the sport, but also of the people on and off the field at Richmond," said Rebecca Welton, owner of AFC Richmond soccer team. "I will be terribly sad to see him leave, and I am already missing the biscuits in my office he would leave every morning."

With having Lasso here, the school is hoping to have a successful season as the players will be able to grow and connect with one another.

"I am excited that he is joining the team over here," said Dr. Phil Schubert, president of the university. "Not only is he famous and known for be-

By TED CRIMM | REPORTER FROM THE INDEPENDENT

Ted Lasso stands on the sidelines holding up his cherished "Believe" sign. ing a great team player, but he knows how to work to make a team understand and trust each other."

The TV show has won multiple awards, including

many Emmy and Golden Globe awards. Lasso is very happy about this success, but does not think that it has changed his mentality on the sport or in his personal life.

"I think that you might be so sure that you're one in a million, that sometimes you forget that out there you're just one in 11," said Lasso.

Ted Lasso will be on cam-

pus this fall in preparations for the season. His preparations will be to see how the team plays, go in blind and with a good spirit, and with his motto: Believe.

Cats raid: feral felines flood starbucks pre-easter CONT FROM P. 1

Kennedy King, a senior marketing major from Frankfort, Kentucky said, “We were all cleaned up and ready to go. It had been a long week for the cafe and after all of our hard

work in organizing the store, we were all looking forward to catching a break. We had no idea what was to come.”

When the workers returned on Monday at 7 a.m. to prepare for the morning rush, they were in

shock. All of the effort put into cleaning and organizing was destroyed. There were spilled bottles of syrup and coffee grounds on the floor everywhere. The baked goods storage had also been rummaged through with a

dozen plastic bags ripped open with half eaten croissant and cheese danishes.

The only clue as to who could do such a thing was found in the coffee ground paw prints that led a trail from the Starbucks to the

main doors of the library.

The Acu Police Department identified the prints as belonging to cats and has sent out a warrant to bring all feral cats into their office for further questioning. There will be

no extreme penalty for this incident, but for feral cats involved in this crime, they will be forced to serve time as a student worker for the next three months. Be sure to order a cappuccino from a feral cat today.

4 | MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2024 | NEWS

THE PESSIMIST

Student invents cloak of invisibility, skips ODE exam

BY PROFESSOR SEVERUS SNAPE SCAN THE QR CODE :)

One engineering student has embarked on a groundbreaking experiment that has left the campus buzzing with intrigue and disbelief.

Meet Larry Porter, a brilliant yet mischievous student with a penchant for pushing the boundaries of what’s possible.

Inspired by the realms of science fiction and armed with a deep understanding of physics and optics, Porter set out to tackle a challenge that would make even the most seasoned scientists raise an eyebrow: creating an invisibility cloak.

Determined to liberate himself from the shackles of mundane lectures and tedious assignments, Porter poured countless hours into his clandestine project, meticulously refining his designs and experimenting with various materials.

After weeks of trial and error, Porter finally achieved what many believed to be impossible: a functional invisibility cloak capable of rendering its wearer virtually undetectable to the naked eye. With a triumphant smirk, Porter donned his creation and vanished into thin air, leaving his classmates and professors dumbfounded by his sudden disappearance.

As whispers of Porter’s remarkable invention spread like wildfire across campus,

university officials were quick to take notice. Concerned about the potential implications of such a device, they launched an investigation into the matter, determined to uncover the truth behind Porter’s vanishing act.

“I never expected my little experiment to become such a big deal,” said Porter. “I just wanted to blend into the background a bit—literally.

It’s all about challenging the norms and seeing how far we can push the boundaries of science, right?”

Rumors swirled as students speculated about the whereabouts of their elusive classmate and the true capabilities of his invisibility cloak. Some hailed Porter as a genius ahead of his time, while others questioned the ethical implications of his actions.

Dr. John Ehrke, Professor of Ordinary Differential Equations and chair of the department of mathematics, told The Pessimist that “Larry’s project, while unauthorized, showcases an extraordinary level of ingenuity and understanding of optical physics. It’s a reminder that our students are capable of incredible feats, though guiding them to use their talents responsibly is key.”

Meanwhile, Porter remained elusive, his whereabouts shrouded in mystery

SECURITY CAMERA OUTSIDE OF MOODY

Larry Porter, junior civil engineering major from Hogwarts, sneaks into Moody chapel to scan his ID. as he continued to test the limits of his invention. But as the investigation intensified and the spotlight turned toward him, Porter realized that his quest for invisibility had come at a cost greater than he had ever imagined.

“Larry’s endeavor into invisibility technology underscores the pioneering spirit we encourage in our engineering de-

partment,” said Dr. Timothy Kennedy, Executive Director of Engineering. “However, it also highlights the need for ethical considerations in our innovations. We’re currently reviewing our oversight processes to ensure our brilliant minds also prioritize the societal implications of their work.”

In an unexpected twist to Porter’s academic journey, his

groundbreaking work on the invisibility cloak caught the attention of industry giants, leading to a job offer from Lockheed Martin. The opportunity, a dream position for any aspiring engineer, means that Porter will have to bid farewell to his studies at ACU, including a pending course on engineering ethics.

While some may question

the timing, this transition underscores the fine line between academic exploration and real-world application, propelling a young innovator into a future where the ethical implications of his inventions will play out on a global stage.

As the investigation pressed on, only time would tell what secrets lay hidden beneath the cloak of deception.

New waterpark to embrace drainage issues amid complaints

BY A WATERPARK REVIEWER TRULY BELIEVES WATERPARKS ARE SACRED PLACES

After several complaints of flooding on campus, ACU has decided to embrace the lack of drainage by opening a fully functional waterpark in the campus mall next fall. Construction on this project is set to start June 1.

Corey Ruff, associate vice president of opera-

tions, said he has been excited about this idea for some time.

“I know professors and students are tired of trekking to class in deep, large puddles only to ultimately be left with wet socks and endless frustrations,” Ruff said. “Now, our ACU community can enjoy the lack of drainage as it will be used for the first-ever, fully functional ACU water park!”

Construction will start by clearing out the campus mall,

a space where flooding is at times abundant. Next, a selection of five large water slides, a lazy river, and a 4 ft deep pool will be added. These slides will have stairs that wrap around the well-loved Kojie tree that leads to the platform that is connected to each slide.

Adriana Amaya, sophomore elementary education major from Savoy, said she has mixed feelings about this project.

“I appreciate that they’re

trying to turn the lack of drainage into something fun for the students,” Amaya said.

“I’m just not sure how ideal a fully functional waterpark in the center of campus is. I mean, think of the cats. They already don’t like water.”

Controversy has continued to swell around the project as the details continue to emerge; however, Phil Schubert, president of ACU, has high hopes for this project, and he said he

is looking forward to the beginning of construction.

“This is a phenomenal idea that will benefit our entire ACU family,” Schubert said.

“Why would we solve the drainage issue when we could turn it into something so fun and magical. I can guarantee I will be the first one there with my goggles and floaties ready.”

In order to compensate for the money being spent on this project, tuition will increase by 7% next semester. Students

will be given free t-shirts and stickers at the grand opening to offset this increase in price.

“We don’t want to increase the financial burden on any of our students, but I know this water park is something that will be loved by generations to come,” Schubert said. “In the end, I feel the tuition increase will be small in comparison to the smiles and laughs our community will share next fall. Go Wildcats!”

World Famous Bean name reigns true, against student beliefs

BY A FOOD ENTHUSIAST NEVER PLEASED WITH THE FOOD I AM GIVEN

The World Famous Bean has been ranked one of the top 50 best college cafeterias in the nation.

Awarded alongside other prominent universities, including Duke and Stanford, this is a milestone of achievement for the dear Christian college. This pristine award celebrates the accomplishment of the ACU kitchen

and their work in serving the ACU community.

Bean food is one of a kind and can only be found at the Bean. The cuisine is recognizable, but the taste is incomparable. With a range of meals to choose from every day, there is a steady stride of surprise. From pizza to pasta, and soup to salad, these meals make up more than the average cafeteria roster, they make up the heart of the bean.

“I am a senior and I still eat at the Bean. I love the food and I love the people who work there,” said Jake Johnson, senior business major from Fort Worth.

“Everyone is so friendly and is clearly happy to be there. This joy is evident in the food that they serve.

You can just taste the intention.”

The Bean is a landmark on ACU’s campus. It is a name that resonates with most

students and holds a strong memory in the minds of present and past attendees of ACU. While it is the kitchen that has been awarded for its cooking skills, what makes the Bean stand out from other college cafeterias is its opportunity for community.

“I love the World Famous Bean for its combination of good people and good food,” said Macy Mills, a freshman media major from Austin, Texas. “I appreciate the work

of Bean and what it does for ACU students. Through the Bean, I am able to spend time with my friends and genuinely conversate over a good meal. It is truly an unforgettable experience.”

The World Famous Bean is more than a cafeteria, it is a place of commune where friendship meets fries.

There is energy all around the cafeteria which one can feel from the moment they swipe their meal card. It is

a place that has aligned itself with the values of the university and has established itself as a sanctuary for dear Christian food.

Between its menu and its staff, there is a heart for the students of Abilene Christian University and their nutritional as well as spiritual well being. This heart has finally been recognized by the rest of the nation grab a plate and taste it for yourself today.

Cats rise up against Feral Cats Initiative, but Willie tries to help

BY CARL THE CAT SECRETLY WILL NEVER TRUST A HUMAN-LED ORGANIZATION

On Mar 31, the cats who are taken care of under the Feral Cats Initiative rose up against the organization.

They escaped the organization and ran across campus to be under the tutelage of Willie the Wildcat.

“I don’t know what caused them to be like this,” said Anna Oliver, a sophomore psychology major from Frisco. “One

day they were fine, and the next day they were meowing and scratching all of us!”

The Feral Cats Initiative was started in the fall semester of 2023 when a need to take care of the cats on campus fell on the heart of Oliver. Now that the cats have rebelled, she and the rest of her team and members have no idea what to do about the situation.

“I was really surprised when Peaches and the rest of the cats came to me,”

said Jacquelyn King, a senior interior design major from Crowley. “I don’t really know what they want, but I will do whatever I can to help them become more than just ‘feral cats’”.

Willow sat down with the cats and tried to get a better understanding of why they rebelled against an organization that cared so much about them. Through a series of meows and scratches in the ground, he came to an understanding. The cats felt like

because they were under the care of the Feral Cats Initiative, they were seen as weak from the other students. So they wanted to show the entire campus that they were not just some weak cats.

They wanted to be known for more than just “feral cats”.

They wanted to be recognized as cats who could hold their own. After understanding this, Willie took the cats back to the Feral Cats Initiative and explained what the cats were looking for.

”After listening to the cats, I totally understood what they were going through,” Oliver said. “As someone who does not like to be underestimated, I had no idea that the cats felt this way. Now that I know that, I will work with my team to come up with a better idea for them.”

Along with the continued posts on the Feral Cats Instagram page, each of the officers of the Feral Cats Initiative would post

something positive about the cats to help boost their self esteem. It’s been a couple of days since the incident, and the cats are more peaceful and loving towards the team and the rest of the students. They can be seen walking around with their heads up with pride. They are no longer seen as just the “feral cats that are weak and needy”, but they are also seen as the “feral cats that help keep ACU together.”

THE PESSIMIST STAFF JALEN ROSE

LET KOBE SCORE 81 POINTS

NEWSPAPER BEACH LOCATED IN FLORIDA

PRINCE WILLIAM PRINCE OF WALES

ASHLEY FURNITUREMART WE PUT THE FUN IN FURNITURE

ARTEMIS FOWL

HAS A HYPERFIXATION ON BIRDS

DANIEL IN THE LIONS DEN

CAROLINE PANTHER

SURF-N-TURF

NICOLE KIDMAN

SARAH BATTLESHIP

SANDY CHEEKS

I HAVE A BOOK IN THE BIBLE THE BIRD IS IN THE WORD

WE’VE BEEN TO THE SUPER BOWL ONCE ALWAYS AT AMC THEATRES

DON’T LET MY EDITS SINK YOU

SAMMI SPINS STORIES with a SIZZLE

LESLIE CARDIGAN

REGGIE MAHI-MAHI

SECRETLY NAMED AFTER THE TAYLOR SWIFT SONG

A FISH FOUND IN HAWAII

HANNAH MONTANA

YOU GET THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS

THOMPSON THE TRAIN CHUGGA-CHUGGA, CHOO-CHOO

STEVEN INFINITY GAUNTLET I AM INEVITABLE

JOHN CENA

YOU CAN’T SEE ME

HAL HOOTS

“A” PRETTY LITTLE LIAR

VANNA WHITE

PROFESSIONAL BUTTON PUSHER

arts@acuoptimist.com

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