IJ
INSPIRING JOURNEYS
Their life journey is first a love story, yet also a mystery. At least it has a happy ending. Martha Latz and Dale Oldani
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IJ Magazine 3 Martha Latz PhD (nee Callanan) is a woman with quite a story. Professionally, she has worked hard to build her career and practice to become a highly regarded marriage and family therapist. In her work, she helps people explore, and put pieces together every day, with discoveries that empower their lives. Yet one of the most stirring tales of discovery she could share is not about any client, but rather her own life. It is the story of two young people who had a special friendship and a certain magic together. It is the story of Doctor Martha and of Dale--who was her first love and she, his first love. As well as today being the last significant relationship of their lives. Martha and Dale’s story is one of two young people who met, fell madly in love, then were lost to each other for more than 40 years. Years of unrealized opportunity with each other before they finally could be together again. When seven years ago they reunited, they shared their discoveries and pieces of the puzzle—all that had occurred, all that had been perpetrated, all the things Dale’s dad had planned, meddling moms, and thoughts that had been projected on Martha. Each had discovered so much about their intervening years and are still talking about it to this day. Young Martha Callanan was 13 and a student of St. Aloysius parochial grade school when she first met Dale. They were too young to date, too innocent and complicit to defy the parental rules. So, they would for all that spring and summer go out in groups to dances, bowling, pizza parties and CYO (Catholic youth) events. They would also set off on Fridays to the neighborhood movies with their girl and guy friends. They would enter from opposite sides of the theater, and then wink, wink meet in the middle of the center aisle. It was always the center for them. They didn’t linger in the shadows like some of the young teens, they liked being where they could watch the movie, enjoy one another’s company, and talk about things as the movie ended. They chatted about neighborhood happenings, common friends, schoolwork, home chores, parents, freshman year and High School plans. There was always just one more thing to say or one more question to ask before they parted waiting for their parents to pick them up. These two young folks would often complete the other’s sentences and intuit each other’s thoughts and plans. They had something so strong others in their world sat up and took notice—friends, parents, siblings, and teachers to name a few. Something crackled in the air around them and it was magical. Perhaps it was a gift, but in some ways, it was also their undoing. Summer ended and fall came they went on to High School, their relationship blossomed, and they developed ambitions, both as a couple and professionally. Martha and Dale attended three proms together. In one prom picture they looked so perfect together the photographer made them move Marty’s flowers (Marty has long been Dale’s affectionate name for her). Otherwise, onlookers thought, it could have been mistaken for a wedding picture. That is how much the two youngsters glowed with love, like newlyweds. It was a love, they believed, with their whole heart and soul, destined to last a lifetime, but a lot of things happened to prevent that. Some of what got in the way was life events, like Vietnam, when Dale received his draft notice and enlisted into the service.
IJ Magazine 4 But much of what happened was lies, subterfuge, and parental intervention, from both sets of parents. It broke the two up and they did not have their fairy tale, happily ever after ending, well, at least not for an exceptionally long time. It was all a mystery for sure, and a real-life story that evokes a lot of emotions--anger, uncertainty, and mistrust, to name a few. Yet also love. Despite all that happened, there was still a unique bond between the two, and a deep regard for one another. Read on to learn more about Martha and Dale, and how they were finally able to complete the cycle of love—from young to mature. They may have missed out on all of the middle years, through no fault of their own. Now, they revel in every bit of time they can make up.
Their Early Years It was the end of 8th grade when Marty and Dale were first introduced by friends. She attended St. Aloysius and he went to Holy Innocents, both parish schools. Initially, the spark was superficial, and they liked each other’s looks. As they began to talk, they realized how much alike they were. Both young people came from working class homes. They each were being raised in families that had the proverbial secrets, such as prior marriages. Lou Oldani, Dale’s father, was a custodian at a local school and Martha’s father Mr. Callanan (the only one she really considers her father) was a bus driver. This shaped their lives in many ways, in particular the roles they played at home when it came to things like helping out with chores or getting a summer job. It also meant they led busy lives and one thing they would talk about is how and when to see each other again. This would be at the usual teen parties or group events and always arriving with a group of friends. Marty and Dale would meet in the center aisle at the Columbia Theater for Friday night movies. They liked being where they could watch the movie, whisper in an ear, and enjoy each other’s company. They would talk about the High Schools they hopefully would be accepted at; for Martha that was Xavier, an all-girls school, and for Dale it was Bishop DuBourg a co-ed high school. Martha had dreams of becoming a nurse or a doctor one day, because she had this thing about helping people. However, the noticeable mom meddling first began when Martha was preparing for her high school exam.
IJ Magazine 5 Martha almost didn’t take the Xavier entrance exam because her school principal had almost convinced her parents that her intellect was sufficiently lacking, and she would be better suited to go and learn a trade. Martha, the future doctor, actually scored highest of the five girls who took that Xavier admission test! Her acceptance proved she was a bright and capable student. In fact, one thing she liked about Xavier is that it was situated on the campus of St. Louis University, and they had a built-in track for a two-year Nursing program. Dale, on the other hand, says he hadn’t planned on anything other than making it through High School.
“Not everyone is an A Student and I certainly was not. I enjoyed sports and often sought advice from my coaches. I played basketball, when it came to classes, it was like, please get me through this before I die.” A reflection of those high school years. Their first official date was on March 15th of 1963 and they recall marking the occasion with a movie. They loved to go to the premier theater downtown, where they showed first-run movies and people got dressed up. They went to either The Fox or The Ambassador and saw classics like Gone with the Wind, Casablanca or newer films like My Fair Lady, Pueblo and The Sound of Music. Martha notes that Dale always let her pick the movie and didn’t mind if it was a love story. She also says that those theaters gave out little booklets like Playbill and she saved them up until around 2005. High School Graduation was June of 1966 and Martha’s mother again meddled with her college entrance. When her friends began receiving acceptance letters for college, Martha called the Registrar to ask about her letter. She was told they no longer had her application! Martha learned it was because her mother had asked to have the application rescinded. This is another example of how Mrs. Callanan meddled and projected her life on her daughter—why should Marty have an opportunity when she hadn’t had such opportunity? It was so different for Dale, he was accepted to Harris Teachers College to embark on his father’s dream of becoming a high school athletic coach. Dale went off to college and working part-time and Martha began working full-time and taking night college classes. In the Summer of 1967, they got engaged. Their parents were excited then, and there were even engagement parties. Maybe they were all happiest thinking marriage would be a good way, perhaps 4 years or so, off. After all, these kids had matured together and even worked together, such as at the concession of the Shriner’s Circus for 3 years (which Mr. Oldani had an in with and that is a story for another time). The couple figured they had even more growing up to do and both Marty, Dale and their families didn’t think they would marry any time soon. But that marriage would not take place in four years or even 40 years. There were many reasons, many things that got in the way. Some things, Martha and Dale learned over the years, were engineered by family members. Other reasons were strictly happenstance, such as the Vietnam War raging, and Dale receiving his draft notice.
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“He got his draft notice that December, and he hid it from me. It was the first time he’d ever done something like that. Dale and I had always been completely open with the other. We had this unusual bond, and when we would talk it’s like we would see the whole picture and finish by speaking the other’s sentence,” Martha emphasizes. Getting his draft notice spurred Dale into action and he made plans that ended up with him leaving December 28 (no New Year’s Eve for this newly engaged couple.) Dale recalls; “Martha and I didn’t have a lot of time together that December. Mostly it was Christmas, a goodbye Christmas with my family.”
Marty and Dale Post-High School After graduating, Dale continued his job with National Supermarkets. He would spend more than 40 years progressing in that industry before his eventual retirement. Dale was working full time for less than a year when his path changed. Harris Teachers College informed he had not enough credits to continue and the next major news he had gotten was a letter of ‘GREETINGS’ along with a draft notice.
Dale: “I didn’t see many (drafted) infantrymen coming home at the end of their tour. So, I thought I might have better odds in another branch of the military. My Dad said, ‘go see a Navy Recruiter. ‘The Navy didn’t have a fast-enough assignment for me, I went on to the Air Force guy. The Air Force rep said that he could have me off by the first of the year. This was a God - thing, because I couldn’t swim and still can’t.” Martha: “He didn’t tell me about going into the service until two days before he was to leave. When he finally told me, I was in shock. We hadn’t seen each other much during the holidays and that should have been a clue. I couldn’t even manage to see Dale off.” Martha’s mother had interfered with her college acceptance and application, she ended up going to work full time, instead of off to college. She tried night courses for a while, since it was the only option left for her if she wanted to continue studying in pursuit of a college degree. When Dale entered basic training, the Air Force gave him aptitude tests. The result: he would be best suited for security/law enforcement. So, after his technical training he was assigned to an Air Base in Cheyenne Wyoming.
IJ Magazine 7 All the while in basic training he would write letters to his Marty about what he was doing on the base. Marty would always call or walk over to the Oldani’s house and share her latest news with Dale’s parents, and they would share their news. While Dale was in basic training, the guys all got to call home once a week. They waited their turn in a phone center set up, where you told the operator who to place a call to and would then be told which of the phones to head to. It was a five-minute call, no more, and Dale would alternate his calls between his family and his Marty. In the calls and letters, he would let her know when to expect the next phone call, because if you weren’t home or missed it, there were no make-ups.
Martha missed Dale so much. She stressed “We had always been so close, done everything together. We would talk for hours. We had never been apart for as long as two months. It felt a lot longer than that.” During one of their calls while in basic training Dale talked about Martha coming to visit when Lincoln’s Birthday came in mid-February. They spent the whole weekend talking, which was always one of their best links, and one thing they talked about was their wedding plans, and the possibility of pushing them up.
Martha recalls: “We had figured since Dale was going to be stateside, we could get married earlier, and then I could join him in Wyoming and on whichever base he was assigned to next. Before he would deploy overseas.” Dale then jokes that his assignment in Wyoming was at an old Army Base that dated back to the days of General Custer and had little in the way of actual aircraft. There were, however, numerous missiles buried in the ground out there-- in corners of Nebraska, Colorado, and Wyoming--about 200 or so. They were protected by chain link fencing and motion detectors. Foot patrol was added, and Dale became part of that security detail. Meanwhile, we pick up…Back at home in St. Louis, Martha all during high school had spent a lot of time with Dale’s parents, Mr. and Mrs. Oldani, and also his grandparents Burns. She would have Sunday dinner with them and afterwards, they all would play board games. This Sunday ritual would continue on even after Dale was in the Air Force. Only now Martha had also been working with Rose Oldani (Dale’s mom) learning quilting technique. She was creating a quilt for her and Dale’s marriage bed.
Martha: “I was also building my trousseau. Every week when I got paid from work, I’d put some of the money aside into items for our future. My wedding chest, fittingly, was a big green footlocker.”
IJ Magazine 8 As I write this all I can do is sigh when I learned she would not marry her love off in the Air Force. When Marty and Dale tell the story of their relationship and all the wild and crazy events that ripped them apart, they refer to a certain day as That Fateful Sunday.
The Letter, the Ring, and That Fateful Sunday Martha looks back at that awful Sunday and it stirs up so many feelings about herself, her family, and the relationship she lost. She and Dale have learned so much since they reconnected in 2013 about the twists and turns, secrets, and manipulation that went on around them. After visiting Dale at Lackland AFB Texas (Marty’s first plane trip ever) she returned home looking forward to marriage more than ever and was waiting for Dale to call Mr. Oldani about their decision and discuss pushing up the wedding date. When his grandfather (Burns) died, and he arranged a special two-day leave to be there, he had no idea why Martha wasn’t at the funeral, or at his parents’ home to see him afterwards. The couple have (since 2013) learned about times when letters were read, and phone calls were listened in on. How awful to think of your own mother reading your love letters or parents plotting against you! Virginia had her own tampered life she married Martha’s biological father, birthed a child at a tender age, this marriage failed and then began seeing a man who became Virginia’s second husband. He adopted and raised Martha, along with her three younger siblings from this second marriage. This is one reason that makes Martha a much sought-after therapist, she has a firm professional grasp of such concepts of projection, emotional trauma and family secrets and the generational havoc that causes. On an emotional level, she has firsthand experience with how a parent’s use of their own behaviors, failures and projections to falsely accuse a child causes emotional confusion. So, on that fateful Sunday when Martha was accused by both sets of parents of wrongdoings and manipulations, she understood how such misconceptions in turn could sabotage not only Martha’s happiness, but that of her Dale. One Sunday, Dale’s family came over to Martha’s house. Instead of gleefully discussing nuptials, things ended on a sad note. It began with the way Mr. Oldani spoke to Martha, and her mom echoed hurling accusation after accusation at her -- and with Mr. Callanan standing, and Mrs. Oldani sitting idly by.
IJ Magazine 9 Dale stated that he later found out: “My Dad started in with speeches like some sort of politician. He kept on and on, called her every name in the book. He said you are going to ruin this kid. I don’t know how you got him all wrapped up, but I can guess. This wedding is not going to happen.” They needed parental consent because they were not yet 21 years old.
“The irony of it is we hadn’t even really had sex.” Martha adds (again, this was a Mother’s projected behavior.) Martha was stunned at their meanness, puzzled by their judgements and scorn. To think how close they had all been! She recalls that she trembled inside, thinking “if this is how they really feel about me, maybe I don’t want to be around this family for the rest of my life”. Then she slipped the ring off and handed the engagement ring back to Mr. Oldani. Martha told the Oldanis and her parents “be sure you tell Dale all that happened today”.
Martha: “This was after his parents and my own had trash talked me. And to make things worse, my mother or father didn’t even say hey, you can’t talk to my daughter like that.” Young Martha was angry and confused that no one, not even her own parents, had been on her side. In another part of the country, Dale had no idea what had transpired back in St. Louis on That Fateful Sunday. Afterwards, when Dale would try to call, Marty hadn’t been alerted to the time slot, or her mother falsely stated she wasn’t home. The letters also didn’t seem to be coming anymore.
Martha: “I hadn’t gotten a letter from Dale for a while. I found out later that it was because they were intercepted. She felt blindsided. So, mom took my letters, read them and kept some of them, even shared with Dale’s parents too.” Excerpt from Martha Latz poem: You welcomed me with promises of life and love I believed in you my beloved In your promise of love On that Sunday Promise was silenced Belief turned to disbelief Before my eyes My Ring, Your ring, Our Rings Tarnished by broken promises Became symbols of deprivation My finger naked My heart encircled by desolation Abandoned by broken promises of life and love One Sunday
IJ Magazine 10 There was so much subterfuge around their relationship and their attempts to still communicate with one another. Dale kept trying to get in touch and it didn’t happen. The couple sensed that despite their parents’ efforts to split them apart, some unseen hand was trying to keep them together.
Martha: “Every now and then a letter would show up in my mailbox. By the postmark, I realized I should have gotten it like three weeks earlier.” It would be almost 45 years later, when the two young loved ones would see each other again and learn some truths about why the communication had stopped. It had to do with a box, and a letter, and the ring, and some spiteful parental intervention. The letter Dale received supposedly was from Marty. It arrived in a package with the engagement ring he’d given to her and she had (unbeknownst to him back then) returned to his dad on That Fateful Sunday. The letter said that Martha was done with him and the she was heading to Florida.
Dale: “I never knew what had happened on that Sunday. I only know I was in Cheyenne and I got a ring and a letter. To this day, we don’t for certain know who wrote the letter and sent it. But that letter sure didn’t sound like the Marty I knew and loved.” New and Separate Lives It would take years until Martha and Dale would see each other again and begin to compare what they came to know about their breakup and the mystery of who wrote that letter and sent that box. Meanwhile they began rebuilding their lives, in separate communities, on separate paths, without knowing what each other was into. Martha had been so betrayed by her family, especially her mother, that she felt she couldn’t stay in St. Louis anymore. Growing up, she had always been close to Dale and his family, and now it seemed as if both sets of parents had abandoned her. She put as many miles as she could between herself and the people who shunned her and headed to Florida.
Martha: “I had no contact with Dale either, nothing to keep me there. So, I headed off to Florida and have lived here ever since.” Since childhood, she had always been a problem solver and a peacemaker amongst people. She had always wanted to do something that mattered. As early as pre-High School, she had thought about becoming a nurse, but as things turned out, she took her ambitions and desire to make an impact on others’ lives even farther. Martha started on her educational goals in Florida. She earned a Master of Art in Pastoral Ministries from St. Thomas University. She also holds two Masters of Science degrees; one in Family Medical Therapy and a second in Marriage and Family Therapy. She also obtained her PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy, from Nova Southeastern University in Davie, Florida. Each degree supports a different aspect of her work and how she goes about changing lives.
IJ Magazine 11 Martha’s practice embraces different aspects of who she is: her spiritual side, her love of ministering to people, her desire for a more holistic style of care. Martha hears and heals every heart, every individual. Her career spans more than 28 years and she has worked in school and clinical settings. Today, she also owns and operates A Unique Therapy Center based in Boca Raton, FL. Doctor Martha, as clients call her, is particularly enthused by working with families, both individually and as a unit, and by helping with communication. In Florida, Martha expanded her professional horizons as well as some personal ones. The last name she carries, Latz is the name of her first husband, as well as the last name of her two children, and she never changed it after (although it would not be her last marriage.) No relationship ever felt quite like the synergy she had with Dale. Learning her craft helped Marty to better understand her own psyche. Her heart, her essence, had been shattered and she could finally put a name to it. This sweet, trusting, and giving young woman had been taken advantage of by the very people who should have been nurturing her. They had ripped her love from her, and it was as if a piece of her heart went with him. Dale was no longer a part of her growing up or her life trajectory. When Dale returned from his tour of duty (he ended up staying stateside 2.5 years) he went back to work at National. They had held his job at the supermarket for him, per a current veteran’s law, and he returned to work there, moving up the chain and then over to other food industry employers. He had also gotten married, and not long after his return. Dale had a feeling there was something missing a piece in his life. Years later he realized all along it wasn’t a what, but a WHO. It was Martha. He didn’t know then about the career she was building in Florida, but he is most proud of it today.
Dale: “She worked incredibly hard to get to where she is today. I think sharing our story (like we are doing now) is a gift to other women and men: to help them realize their dreams, what they can accomplish with determination and a positive mindset. But wait, we’re getting ahead of ourselves.”
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A Different Ring and the Briefest Reunion For many years afterwards the two young people would look back on what had occurred and question what was reality—what had happened or what they felt about one another? Martha kept doubting things she had been told. She just couldn’t believe the man she had fallen for and cherished from age 13 to 19 did not want to know anything of her now. Dale also had a nagging feeling that things did not add up. The two would find answers to their instinctive feelings when they met up for the briefest time in 1981. Martha had discovered among her possessions a signet ring, and the initial on it meant it might have been given to Dale by his Grandpa and Grandma Burns (Grandpa Burns had since died). She was heading home to St. Louis to see her family, since Mr. Callanan her dad was in the hospital having open heart surgery, and she wanted to see Dale, find out, and return this ring. They met in the hospital lobby and Marty asked about the ring and all Dale could think of was another ring.
“Dale, since you are here, why not come up to say hello to my parents?” Martha invited and Dale did. When Virginia Callanan saw him, she paled. She had trouble looking at him knowing all the secrets she held inside about That Fateful Sunday. Excerpt from Martha Latz poem:
Another dream of you…it isn’t real This dream is about a real ring Found in my box it is yours Bittersweet is this dream Wishing this dream would Be real Reality floats on a dreamer’s Dream Marty and Dale headed to the hospital cafeteria where they sat talking for what seemed like hours, filling each other in on their current lives. They didn’t talk about what happened That Fateful Sunday, they just slipped back into sync as the friends who totally understood each other. One example is what Martha said on the way down to the cafeteria. Martha said to Dale “You’re not eating well, are you taking care of yourself?” knowing on some deep intuitive level that he hadn’t been. Dale responded, “I always hate it when you do that,” because she was right!
IJ Magazine 13 Their conversation flowed as if they had parted only days ago. And while both were indeed married at the time, they had the maturity and composure to be wonderful friends. Meeting up proved that they were the only two people who had this kind of connection, and they truly got each other. It was refreshing to talk with someone who understood your thought process and welcomed your goals and ideas, perhaps even more deeply than their spouses had. Mrs. Callanan went down to the cafeteria to spy on them. It was as if they were 16 again and parents couldn’t trust in their relationship. She just had to meddle in things and project her own improprieties on Martha. Dale and Marty went on talking despite her interruption and assumptions.
Martha: “The old connection was there. And we were both so hungry for it.” Martha’s brother had picked her up at the airport and her suitcase was still in the family car. Virginia Callanan made a point of telling Martha “don’t forget your suitcase is in the car and we only have one car.”
“I can drive Marty home,” Dale said. “But she’s a married woman,” Mrs. Callanan said, as if the two now adults could not respectfully be in one another’s company knowing that. “And I’m a married man,” Dale replied, expecting a grin or chuckle but getting zero response. Drive her home he did, Yeah! Dale. Yet it would be another 32 years before these two saw one another again and had the chance to be together in the way they had always yearned to. It sprung from another family tragedy in 2013, this time a father (although in name only as Martha was a very mature adult woman when her mother had married her third husband, Mr. Lynn). This is how that happened…
Dale Makes Peace with the Callanans Lou Oldani had a habit of reading obituaries and had gotten Dale into it too. Each day they would scan the local paper for news of who had passed, and if it might be anyone they knew, so they could go pay their respects. Dale happened to notice a posting that included the name Callanan and Martha and her siblings in it. It also mentioned Virginia Lynn, formerly Callanan, and was an announcement of the passing of her latest husband. Dale thought “all this time I had been angry, carrying a big chip on my shoulder, and for no good reason. I thought it might be time to apologize. So, I decided to go to the viewing and pay my respects to Martha’s family. “ He was also secretly hoping Martha would be there. It was March of 2013. Dale asked the funeral director to locate Martha’s brother Bob, and then found out from Bob that Martha had not made it up from Florida. But yes, he was perfectly welcome to come in and pay his respects and chat with the family — He stood in line with Bob for a good 15 minutes, talking all the while. You see, the Callanans had been part of his youth.
Martha: “Do you remember that movie, Four Weddings and a Funeral? What happened to us was like that, but in reverse. He went to the funeral home and ended up with me. It started when Dale gave Bob his contact information.”
IJ Magazine 14 On his way home later, Bob told his sister that he had seen Dale and had Dale’s e-mail address, asking her if she wanted it. Martha’s response: “Yes! I waited 45 years! Ahh! Bob, it can wait until you get home.” She e-mailed Dale the very next day. There was still a spark there, you could even read it in the lines of their e-mails. Getting an e-mail from Martha this quickly answered a question for Dale. He thought often of Martha, and now he finally knew that Martha wanted to hear more from him too.
Martha had written “Oh my gosh, you’ve been on my mind of late. I’m glad you reconnected with my family. Here is my e-mail address.” Dale wrote back “You’ve been on my mind too. Isn’t it amazing that after all these years, we still have a special connection?” Martha also wrote that she was disappointed she was not able to make it back to St. Louis and see him at that funeral. She quoted “I am because We are and We are because I am “ a favorite proverb about family connections. Excerpt of Martha Latz poem:
Our words are healing oil Anointing us with every tap Letters to make words, words to make phrases, Then phrases to make images, Healing our hearts Their daily e-mails went back and forth for the next 10 days, each one filling in blanks left by That Fateful Sunday Then one morning, on a Monday, in the wee hours when we are first emerging from deep sleep, the phone rang.
“Good morning, sorry to disturb you, but I am looking for Dr. Martha Latz…” “This is she.” “Hi Marty, this is Dale.” “It’s really you” ... and she was flooded with emotion, even began to cry. She tears up now as she retells the story. Even Dale tears-up. They realized that the entire time they had been apart physically, their minds and souls had still been somehow linked. Even the timing of Dale’s call was uncanny, how he knew to call at the early hour (around 5:30 am Eastern time) when she would usually awaken.
IJ Magazine 15 Excerpt from Martha Latz poem:
Early morning ringing Hello! she says “Good morning” said a voice She thinks I know this voice “Is it really you” she asks A voice from memory All but forgotten now ignited Again, she asks “Is it really you “? “Yes!” says he Her response “this is She” Early one morning … I collided into you When they spoke, it was like they were teenagers again, completing one another’s sentences, anticipating what was coming, knowing what the other was thinking. It was as if those 45 years had never happened and yet some significant things had happened (too much for just e-mails or phone calls). They both agreed there was a real need to bring peace and healing to the last 46 years and they needed to meet face-to-face. They talked about the possibility of where to meet-up in person. That happened at The Hermitage in Georgia.
Meeting Up Again When Martha was approaching the retreat, she was driving a white car, and at the top of the hill a white truck was parked. Martha looked up and knew that was Dale leaning on the hood. He stated he had just bought that truck, his first white truck. This was yet another connection between the two.
Martha “I was so nervous. I had a moment and then said, s*** either I go forward or back out now. I rode up that hill.” Excerpt from Martha Latz poem:
A journey back began As whispered thought Floated on dreams’ embrace Morning’s light key in hand It has begun My journey back to you
IJ Magazine 16 When they headed off to that meet up, each had already committed in a way. Taking that ride up the hill finalized their connection. They greeted one another, hugged, kissed and cried. It was the first real (physical) contact they had in 46 years. Even in 1981, at the hospital, they talked, but never embraced. Now it was 20-plus years later. So, they stayed enlaced for a while.
Martha: “That first kiss brought back such memories. This is what I had been missing all this time. I had lost so much up to this point. I wondered was Dale thinking and feeling the same?” The person who owned the premises was coming up that hill and saw the two embracing, hugging, kissing, and laughing, saw how the air around them was changed and charged by their clear affection.
Dale: “Len said, it looks like you two have been together your whole lives.” Dale muses; “We still get told that pretty often.” During that weekend Marty and Dale talked and closed a lot of gaps in the years. They talked about careers, and families, so a lot of things their parents had felt, done, and said about their relationship came out. As they began comparing notes, the truth came to light. Bits and pieces came together, like when you frame out and start to fill in a jigsaw puzzle.
Martha: “In all those forty-plus years, we had never talked about the ring. But now, at last, we did. As the two compared notes, they realized just how much meddling had gone on. Yes, there were calls that had been listened in on. Yes, when a letter would show up in her mailbox way off from the date of its postmark, it was because someone had read it and held it back. Martha’s mother in 2015 finally and unsolicited said, “We should never have broken you two kids up, and I want you to know Dale, Martha did not write that letter and never saw the ring after she gave it to your dad.” She didn’t exactly confess to writing it or say just who had. Virginia did, however, emphasize that after Martha gave the ring back to Dale’s father, she had never seen it again. Dale looks back, trying to comprehend what they had done and why.
“Our parents came out of the 1930s and 40s. Times were tough, and they didn’t want to see us go through what they had,” he observes. Getting married young would have presented difficulties in their parents’ eyes. Dale thought that the idea of Marty and he, getting married, would have been great for them. “I thought we could have grown up together just like my parents. Our marriage, I recently found out, would not have meshed with the career plan my dad had in mind for me.” In 2015 Dale first learned that before he went off to the Service, Lou Oldani had been making his own plans for his son. Mr. Oldani had wanted Dale to continue his education and become an athletic coach, and later a Program Director. His dad had an inside track to the local school system, through his employment, and also a relative. He never told his son about this until way later.
IJ Magazine 17 Martha realizes that her mother had let personal fears get in the way, since she had gotten pregnant at a noticeably young age and was forced into underage marriage and later marry in the church and divorce Martha’s biological dad. A divorce wasn’t accepted by the church then, so when Mr. Callanan married Virginia, it had been a civil ceremony and the church never recognized the union until after Virginia’s first marriage was finally annulled. Martha was a constant reminder of why they couldn’t receive the sacraments like the rest of Virginia’s family members. It is so hard to tell their story in a true chronological fashion, because so much that happened in the 1960s and 1970s wasn’t learned of until a whole new millennium. Dale also learned that his mother, Rose, had in 1969 went to visit Martha’s mom at work. It was a three-bus commute to get to the big, old-fashioned department store that had a café inside, so she must have meant business. Rose Oldani confessed to Virginia “We should never have broken them up.” Virginia Callanan replied, “well it’s too late now”, then turned on her heel and walked away. When Dale years afterward told his Dad that he was moving to Florida to be with Marty again, his dad said, “We should never have broken you two kids up and to Marty, “I hope you don’t hate me.” Marty said to Mr. Oldani “You did what you thought you had to do for your son. But that Sunday you shattered my heart.” Such half-admitted wrongdoings make Dale and Martha’s story an intriguing one. And yet this is all just the tip of the iceberg. There is more that went on, but there are holes, because Martha’s mother has an ongoing pattern of deny, deny, deny. Or else, she would revise things to suit herself and the situation. Also, Lou Oldani has since died, still holding onto some of the family secrets. To this day, nobody knows for sure who wrote that heartless “Dear John” letter. Comparing notes in 2013 and afterward, and the way that things were said, make the couple think all four parents had plotted together. One of their parents once remarked, “If I had a million dollars, I would have bet they’d never find each other again.” That is how hard they had worked to keep Marty and Dale apart. Any romantic, though, would agree that if love is meant to be, it finds a way. As someone who in her years of studies knows multiple religions, Martha uses the Hebrew term for it, Beshert. It means meant to be, soulmates. Some will take that a step farther and say as declared by the Creator.
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Finally, Together Again After all their discoveries and all the pain that went with it, Martha and Dale had reached a decision: they didn’t want to lose any more precious time together, but they didn’t want to rush into anything either. They both needed time to heal from the bad times in the past. They wanted to enjoy reconnecting and exploring the love that shoulda, coulda, woulda been.
Martha: “We had parted in Spring of 1968 and didn’t lay eyes on each other until 1981 finally again in 2013. It taught us to savor time. How we got there was not as important as the fact that we have gotten there, and we cherish being there.” Although their love had been destined and declared for years, it was in 2017 that they finally made it official. They got a marriage license and convinced Suzzi, Martha’s BF and Lois and Levy a close couple (they were preparing to visit family in Israel) to be witnesses before they left town.
Martha: “I was terrified. I kept pacing that waiting area in City Hall. I think I even walked out once or twice with my two BF’s Suzzi and Lois, following close behind. Levy had been a Colonel in the Israeli Air Force and hero of the Six-Day War. Levy said to Dale. “What is Martha so nervous about? She keeps walking out. Dale people are getting married every day!” So, this was no sweat for him. But me, I was a wreck.” Instead of a traditional big wedding shebang, they had a small party a few months afterwards. Many of the couples in their social circle were there. Some were celebrating their 40th or 50th wedding anniversary.
Dale: “We told our story and it was so poignant, there wasn’t a dry eye in the group, men or women.” Martha: “It’s good we’ve gotten back together, and we can live the reunion and nurture our love. Cherishing our time together and welcoming the changes as our love continues to mature.” Martha, the therapist who focuses on relationships, reminds us that there are different stages to every one of them--from youth to maturity. In all those Lifetime and Hallmark Channel movies, you see young love and rarely the story of an older relationship. Nobody talks about young love that should have been but wasn’t, and that now you are reconnecting in a mature relationship.
“Truly, love doesn’t die,” she states. “It just continues to grow, change and head in new directions. If you’re wise enough to recognize it.” Role Models of Eternal Love Dale and his Marty had their first date at a movie and they still enjoy watching movies today, though now they will be more often found compromising on what to watch together. Since Martha still wants love stories and musicals, and Dale prefers adventure films and crime stories and they both enjoy true stories. In this writer’s opinion you can’t get more real than their real-life love story.
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IJ Magazine 21 The couple also enjoys other activities together, such as golf. As teens they had loved to go to miniature golf where you just pushed the ball in, with either hand or sometimes even two. But as a golfer on a real course, you have to be right or left-handed, and it took Martha who is largely ambidextrous time to decide that she is a right-handed golfer.
Dale: “It’s a great hobby when you live on a golf course.” They also love to cook together and as Martha puts it, “we do a mean kitchen dance and there is room to do it without bumping into each other and yet just close enough to bump into one another.” They like to go on long drives, having conversations with the residents and sampling the goods at the local winery when they do. The two underwent CERT training and are part of a Community Emergency Response Team where they live in Florida. Martha jokes that they look like Minions, since their outfits include big yellow hats and goggles. But the work they do is serous, especially when Florida gets hit by one of those hurricanes. Martha and Dale just love to travel, taking the car when they can, so there is time to talk as they drive along.
Dale: “We don’t like to stay in the big city. We’ll choose a hotel 20 miles outside that city. Then we’ll stop and ask the locals for the best restaurant or theater, or maybe a barbeque spot.” One such adventure is when they were in Tifton Georgia, Georgia being a notably dry state, and they wanted to find moonshine.
Martha: “The crouching waiter whispered enigma the whiskey bowl, and I thought of course it’s an enigma, that’s why we’re asking you and not whiskey… it’s moonshine. (laughing) Turns out the only package store for moonshine was the Whiskey Bowl in the town of Enigma.” They talk of another time, when they were driving to Dallas and stopped in Shreveport, LA. Martha had fond memories of Louisiana’s gumbo and red beans and rice, and the staff at the inn told them to check out a certain place.
Dale: “Now I’m Italian and I thought they said Orlando’s, like a man’s name. I thought funny name for a restaurant that has gumbo, sounds more like a pizza joint. Then we learned the name was spelled Orlandeaux, like French. That local spot had incredible Cajun and Creole food.”
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Martha: “It’s like the oldest family run African-American business. Damien Chapman, one of the owners (Orlandeaux is an homage to his dad) sat down and talked with us. He loved our story. He still welcomes us with open arms.” Dale: “That’s true. Wherever we go, we talk, and we make great friends.” Dale and Marty are committed to enjoying this time together.
The two believe “We’ve been given a gift here. We don’t have to wait until one of us dies to realize what a special love and gift we have.” This is evidenced in their daily waking and going to bed rituals. Marty will take her rings off at night and when she awakens, Dale will put them on for her as if they are getting married all over again. They will at night say to each other, “Thank you for loving me today and allowing me to love you.” During the COVID 19 stay-at-home period, when many relationships are being tested (and honestly any time) they shared secrets to keep love buzzing. Dr. Latz recommends one of them in her sessions, the 4 C’s: common sense, courtesy, compassion, and contentment. Another was to agree to allow one five-minute meltdown each day. A chance to destress, let off that tension, yell if you have to. But it’s only for five minutes. And if you don’t use it today, that does not mean you can have ten minutes tomorrow. Here are a few more inside tips the couple has about love: • • • • • • • •
Listen to parents or friends. Trust your instincts. Finishing each other’s sentences (like we used to) isn’t really a good way to converse. If you want to take a relationship to the next level, act, don’t hesitate. Communication is essential to a good relationship at any stage—and ours is a mature one. Tell your loved one how you feel, and often. Passion is big at the beginning of a relationship but it’s not everything. Understand what real intimacy is and meet in the middle of your new understanding about intimacy. Don’t carry anger in your heart. Learn to understand, forgive and let things go. Find joy in your moments together. You never know if it might be your last.
No Ending for this Story At the beginning of this magazine, we stressed it was not a fairy tale. So, we will not at this point say The End. Since it’s a real story of the love Dale and Marty have together, it is constantly unfolding, just like the mysteries of their past.
Dale: “It feels like we just got it back. I’m hoping to enjoy many more anniversaries, maybe our 30th if we live that long.”
IJ Magazine 23 Martha, speaking like the analyst she is in her professional life, puts it differently. “People want an ending to a story but basically, things just pause. We had a long pause between our beginning and middle years and now that we are unpaused we don’t want to pause it again.” She also notes that love can be much like species of trees, for example the peach or the olive, which don’t bear fruit right away. In fact, their fruit tastes best once the trees mature. As Marty and Dale well know, you need age and a lot of cultivation to get the sweetest taste of life. Excerpt from one of Martha Latz poems:
My heart is a Kaleidoscope Filled with fragments of memories past And tumbled together Marvelous memories in folds In all their wonder I wait eager for the next tumble Now my memories will always include you Forever in the Kaleidoscope Of My heart
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If you would like to tell Marty and Dale what you think of their love story, or learn more of their story, reach out by email: latz2000@aol.com. To inquire about Dr. Martha Latz’s professional services visit www.auniquetherapycenter.com. Or you can leave a voice message on her office number 561-300-4066.