Da ting Dialogue, Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW

Dating Dialogue

What Would You Do If…

Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters

I have been married for almost a year, and my husband and I have a pretty good marriage. It just bothers me so much that my husband’s parents seem to have an unhealthy obsession with us. We are the only married couple in the family so far, and as it is, they’re lonely. They find every opportunity to drop by, bring us completely unnecessary things that I end up throwing out, get nervous about every little thing in our lives which drives me crazy, and love to give unsolicited advice. It has gotten worse since the coronavirus started to spread because they are constantly calling to check in, leaving food packages by the door, I don’t even have room for all the hordes of stuff my mother-in-law drops off! Dear Navidaters,

My husband doesn’t find it annoying, on the contrary, he thinks it’s sweet. When we were dating, I also thought it was sweet, but to be so far into our marriage and have them still so hands-on and boundary-less is stifling! What would you do?

Thank you,

Nechama

The Panel

The Rebbetzin

Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S. N echama, thank you for a clear, honest question. You gave a lot of relevant information.

Thinking, talking, and doing are the way to go. Think about the five love languages which categorize how people give and receive love. They are: words of affirmation, acts of service, touch, gifts, and quality time. Ponder what your love languages are. Ponder your husband’s love languages. It’s good for any couple, particularly a newly minted one, to figure out each other’s ways of communicating love. Start a conversation with your husband about this topic and open up to one another. Learn his language and show him your love his way. This will strengthen you as a couple and significantly deepen your relationship. So think, communicate, and act.

Do the same with your in-laws. Ponder your in-laws’ love languages. As you indicated, gifts are probably high on their list. Talk about it with your husband. And then decide on what you want to do about your feelings of boundary-less involvement on the part of your inlaws. Once you put on the five love languages lens, you may not find all of it intrusive. Choose to act on what is truly problematic for you.

Remember that your relationship as a couple comes first. Use this opportunity to build your relationship.

The Mother

Sarah Schwartz Schreiber, P.A. G ather round, my dear newlyweds, for I am about to reveal the fundamental secret to Happiness in Marriage. Invite your inlaws; they may benefit as well.

The elusive, eternal key to having a streamlined, carefree, and fulfilling marriage is…(trumpets, drumroll and – may I have the envelope – please)…BALANCE.

If only your in-laws could temper their love for their son and his darling wife with the couple’s need for privacy, you wouldn’t be writing the panel. If only you could empathize with his parents’ feelings (for twenty-odd years they were central to his life and, poof! overnight, they are shunted to the sidelines) you would accept their phone calls and care packages with more grace and understanding. You’ll be a mother, too, one day. (BTW, if you’re feeling flush with Purell and Charmin, contact me through the editor.) My point: your marriage is fairly new. Your in-laws, who heretofore had not married off a child and appear to be super close to that son, are just testing the boundaries of mechutanim-hood. Some in-laws just get it; they find that sweet spot – the balance between assistance and interference – pretty early on. In other families, establishing a healthy, mutually respectful relationship can take way longer…up to a lifetime!

Some tips (culled from the selfhelp classic, “Shviggering for Dummies”; not available on Amazon, so don’t bother) on coping during this challenging transition period in your young marriage:

-First and foremost: Never complain to your husband about his parents, especially because he thinks their meddling is “sweet.” He grew up believing his parents are generous and loving. He married you, in all innocence, with the belief that you are duly generous, sweet, and loving. Your role is not to topple his parents from their pedestal. This will only compromise his respect and admiration for you. Likewise, when he complains about them, bite your tongue until it bleeds. -You are not a Yenta. Designate ONE person. She can be your rebbetzin, kallah teacher, or favorite aunt. Choose one trusted, discreet and level-headed individual to serve as your sounding board when you need to vent about the in-laws. Because Hubby is off-limits in this arena (see above) you will need a shoulder to cry on and an understanding voice to remind you that “this too shall pass.”

-Maintain an optimistic attitude; count your blessings. From your description, your in-laws have not proven to be mean or critical or miserly. On the contrary, they are proving to be abundantly caring and generous. So they’re excited about “their” new couple and want to participate in your lives? I can assure you that their enthusiasm will wane over time – especially as they marry off other children. In the meantime, remind yourself your in-laws are part of the package that makes your husband so wonderful. If that package comes with a year’s supply of toothpaste, I’ll take it any time!

The Shadchan

Michelle Mond I t is about time you read the shidduch version of “A Tale of Two Cities” by Chaim Dickstein. Everything has a flip side. Having had many friends in the same boat as you, as well as the opposite of what you describe, I can understand the hardship of being on both ends.

On one hand, it is very difficult to be a newlywed feeling like your in-laws can’t stop thinking of excuses to come over and bring you stuff. On the other hand, how would you feel if your in-laws never offered a helping hand? How would you feel if they did not seem to care whether you were taken care of for Shabbos meals, suppers, or random groceries they think you might need? You may think that you would rather have it the other way around but that could actually be a very lonely feeling.

The good news is that you have

Your relationship as a couple comes first.

in-laws that you can undoubtedly depend on when you need them. Remind yourself that everything they are doing is coming from a good place. B’ezras Hashem, when you, for good reasons, are nauseous and unable to make supper, you know that you will have your in-laws at your doorstep with a piping hot meal, ginger ale, and soup. Judging by your in-laws’ giving nature it is likely you will not have to lift a finger. It may be annoying now as a newlywed but you will see that as your family grows iy”H you will not only appreciate the help but you will welcome it.

This does not mean you should ignore your feelings. If you feel a serious lack of boundaries you must communicate it. Have your husband give your in-laws clear guidelines which still allow them to give but in a more strategic way. For example: “Mom, we love that you help us like you do; the suppers you make are delicious! The thing is, our fridge does not have room for anything else! We end up having to throw things out. Can we set up one night a week where you can ask Nechama what she needs from the store and you will get her what we need?”

Just as you and your husband during shana rishona are learning to understand each other’s natures, you are now learning your in-laws’ nature as well. It is also important to remember that everybody has had early life experiences which create the big picture of who they are today. It could be they had a lack of “help” early in life, or some kind of neglect, which have caused your inlaws to become overly giving and

anxious about their kids’ well-being. Hang in there, and be grateful for the “good” problems you are experiencing. Hatzlacha!

The Zaidy

Dr. Jeffrey Galler W e get letters from newlyweds complaining of too much inlaw interference in their lives; we get letters from newlyweds complaining of too little in-law involvement in their lives.

When your husband characterizes his parents’ intrusiveness as “sweet,” that may be true, but it doesn’t help you at all. You, clearly, do not find their invasiveness “sweet.” And, if you’re annoyed now, what do you think will happen when you produce their first grandchild?!

Solutions to these kinds of dilemmas depend on both parties understanding each other’s needs. 1. What your in-laws need It’s easy to understand your inlaws. They want to be loved and appreciated. They fear losing their son. They need to feel like they will always be an important part of your lives.

Picture yourself in two or three decades. You will dread feeling like you’re suddenly cut off from the lives of your children. 2. What you need On the other hand, you and your husband need breathing space in order to grow into your own independent lives. You need your in-laws to respect your privacy and understand that there are boundaries to their ongoing involvement. 3. So, what do you do? You need to tread lightly here. You know how important it is to maintain a good relationship. a. Positive reinforcement is always better than negative criticism.

For example, when a parent wants a child to stop thumb-sucking, it’s counterproductive to scream, “You’re such a baby! I’m so angry! I caught you sucking your thumb again!” It’s far more effective for a parent to praise a child by saying, “I’m so proud of you! I saw that you did not suck your thumb all morning!”

When speaking to your in-laws, do not complain, “You shouldn’t have come over last night! We wanted some private time together! And, I don’t have any room for all the stuff that you bring!” Instead, try complimenting, “I know you usually come over on Sunday nights, but you were so considerate to give us some private time together last night. And our refrigerator is still overflowing with all the homemade food you left us last week!” b. Humor is a valuable tool. Try saying, “My poor husband. He’s gained ten pounds in the last year! Every Friday night, he feels that he

You and your husband need breathing space in order to grow into your own independent lives.

has to eat two meals: the one that I make and the one that you make for him!”

Try using your smartphone smartly. Use apps (like PhotoFunia, LoonaPix, FunnyWow, or pho.to) to send your in-laws funny, simulated photos of you and your husband looking very obese after eating all of their delicious food, or simulated photos of your closet bursting at the seams with all of their wonderful gifts.

You’re an obviously intelligent and caring individual, and you realize that your in-laws are showering you with gifts because they love you. You can successfully shower your in-laws with love and respect while simultaneously maintaining your own privacy and independence. I’m confident that you will be able to patiently, diplomatically, and tactfully help chart the right balance.

Pulling It All Together

The Navidaters Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists

Ihave to first take a moment to send my condolences to all those who have lost loved ones during this epidemic. Baruch dayan haemet. This is a heartbreaking and devastating time; a time filled with fear, isolation and sickness. People are suffering physically and emotionally and our world has drastically changed. Grandparents are alone for health measures, children are stuck inside, parents are working tirelessly to protect their children from this emotional anguish and barely have an ounce of energy left for themselves by the day’s end. And to boot...“things” are coming up for all of us. The things we could distract ourselves from with work or a manicure are heightened. The things in our lives that weren’t working are typically being brought to the forefront as home life becomes more and more intense. Children who had behavioral issues before are expected to act up more now. Abusive behaviors, whether physical, emotional or psychological, are increasing.

I give myself permission to feel whatever I am feeling. If I am having a sad day, I allow myself to go with it. We are in shock and we are in mourning...so every feeling makes sense now. In order to get through this time, we are going to have to try to set aside time to accomplish things, to find gratitude, and to work on ourselves. We will need to continue connecting with others by phone or Zoom and, of course, we must continue to listen to the authorities and stay home to flatten the curve. If

you are “cracking,” you are not alone. Please, please, please reach out to a mental health professional. Your mental and emotional health is of critical importance right now! I try to dance or hula-hoop every day to uplifting music. Eat well, eat healthful foods to keep your body running. Some of us are forgetting to eat. Please remember to eat. There are organizations and neighborhood groups that are available to help you. Sending everyone my warmest wishes for health, love, sanity and happiness during this time.

And onto Nechama...

Dear Nechama,

Mazal tov on your marriage. I would expect that your in-laws are doing more of the same now during the coronavirus outbreak. I would expect it to heighten. Whatever this need was of theirs before is going to intensify now as their feelings are being brought to the forefront. And I’m wondering if maybe, at least in part, that is what is going on now for you as well. I think it’s important for all of us to separate how we felt pre-corona from how we are feeling now. I don’t have the answer to that – just something to think about.

The solution to this is very simple; whether the players involved will acquiesce is not. You and your husband have to talk. When you express your feelings about his parents’ involvement, ideally he will be able to at least hear you and give you validation, acknowledge that your opinion matters to him. The way this is impacting you matters to him. So often this is really what a wife or husband is seeking from her/ his spouse. Validation. I see you. This is step one. Ground zero. This isn’t about right vs. wrong, and I don’t want to see you two going down that road.

Before any solution to the “problem” can be worked out, you two need to view yourselves as a team. When both partners have the ability to work together and value each other’s opinions, they can typically accomplish most anything.

You didn’t specify whether your in-laws’ drop-bys are announced or unannounced. If they are unannounced, that is a true violation of privacy and shows a lack of understanding or a lack of care for your boundaries as a couple and as adults. If they call first and your husband or you are saying “yes” to their visits, that is a different story.

The true solution to this will only come from you and your husband working together as a team and then ideally your husband having a heartto-heart with his parents, where he makes sure they know they are an integral part of your lives but laying down some boundaries to protect his young marriage.

This understanding between you and your husband needs to be worked on now to ensure the safety of your shalom bayis. If need be, please see a couple’s therapist to get on the same page...ASAP. It will be the BEST investment for your future. And feel free to show this to the hubs. All the best, Jennifer

Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 516-224-7779, ext. 2. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email thenavidaters@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.

Hi Readers!

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