JWow

jewish women of wisdom

Pesach Prep

By Miriam Liebermann, MSW

Life is all about transitions.

Life is not static. It keeps changing. Year to year. Day to day. We see this played out as we carve out our Pesach plans.

The following scenarios may sound familiar: 1. Mother has been hosting the family for Pesach for many years. Each year it gets tougher. Her sciatica is giving her a hard time. Her nerves are frazzled. Hosting young families has become challenging, emotionally and physically. But Father still loves sitting at the head of the table, orchestrating the Pesach seder with his entire family sitting together. And the couples are eager to be together with one another. They keep raving about how they belong to “one big happy family”!

Perhaps subconsciously the adult children crave this return to their childhood home, where all their needs are tended to once again by their devoted parents, especially the hardworking mother!

The siblings can actually host one another if they so desire to spend Pesach together!

As the family, ka”h, continues to grow, hosting the entire family may no longer be possible. Grandparents crave quality time with their children and grandchildren, which may be impossible when hosting a sizable crowd. Instead, consider having a family outing on chol hamoed or having an all-inclusive family seudah on chol hamoed. Mother claims that although she plans for plenty of kitchen help, inadvertently, at the last minute, the help always cancels. And although the adult children assure her that they will help, when the time comes, they are busy diapering the baby, putting children to sleep, making peace among the little ones, searching for lost shoes, running off to minyan, etc. 2. Father no longer has the emotional stamina and patience to deal with the commotion that is inevitable when hosting young families. He would be happy hosting only the newlyweds. But Mother is not ready to relinquish her role. Mother prides herself on her magnificent seder table. Each year she prepares Pesach delicacies with such joy, the same delicacies her mother had prepared, and her beloved bubby! How can she give this up?

At times, the adult children realize it’s too much for their parents. They are afraid of overburdening them; yet the parents are reluctant to accept the inevitability of change and transition. 3. Mother and Father, as much as they adore their family, can no longer deal with the hullabaloo. They pack up and head to a Pesach program without any of the children, who are left behind in shock! 4. The adult children, home last year for Pesach on their own, due to corona, enjoyed their own seder. They relished the opportunity to listen to each child recite the Mah Nishtana, without having to compete with the young cousins all clamoring for attention. The sons and sons-inlaw were grateful to be able to conduct the seder, on their own, in the privacy of their homes. It was beautiful, quality family time. They are reluctant to give this up. 5. Daughters want to return home to their parents. Sons-in-law are eager to host sedarim in their own homes.

Do any of these scenarios sound familiar? Or perhaps there are details of a particular scenario that you relate to. Now what?

Transitions are not easy. Transitions may be accompanied by growing pains, which is perfectly normal and typical.

Sara Brejt shares that transitions include balancing and re-balancing. Some years, one couple may need extra TLC. Other years, the single children may warrant their parents’ attention. Parents aspire to keep things “fair” and give equal time to all. That’s not always realistic, though we do try!

The Covid-uncertainty of last year taught us a valuable lesson. We can plan in advance – where, how, and with whom to spend yom tov. But it’s only a plan. We put in our best efforts and then we must leave the outcome to Hashem.

Faigie Horowitz offers a crucial perspective. Pesach plans must factor in another set of concerns: those of our mechutanim who also have needs and claims on our children’s participation in their yom tov. Their circumstances may differ from our own in terms of space, location, resources, and size of their own families. Our own children often cannot give us answers as to which part of yom tov, if any, they will spend with us because they are awaiting the plans of their siblings from the other side. If one plans ahead and has the food and home ready early, the stress of not knowing who will come, when and how many, is alleviated.

This discussion of sharing the couples with the mechutanim brings an image to mind: I see Shlomo Hamelech with the two women both claiming that the infant is theirs. Shlomo Hamelech, with his superior wisdom, suggests splitting the baby in half. The real mother gasps in shock, and we all know how the story ends.

If the families live within close proximity, then it’s a simple matter for the young couple to relocate midyom tov. But if there is a great distance involved, perhaps a plane ride

is necessary, then it might make sense for the couple to alternate; one year with one set of parents, the following year, time to visit the other set.

Traveling with infants and young children is stressful. Getting little ones to sleep in a strange bed is not fun. Adjusting to time changes can be equally challenging.

Traditionally, the first year of the couple’s marriage is spent with the wife’s parents. This is not halacha. If circumstances are such that the first year the couple ends up with husband’s parents, that’s fine also! Be flexible!

My dear friend Michelle Mayers adds, regarding Pesach planning (and life in general): sometimes a perfect solution is impossible. It may take some self-talk to accept this reality and not to surrender to guilt or negativity. One needs to keep positive. Hopefully the following year, the plans will be more “optimal” as situations and family dynamics change.

Michelle continues, “It’s important to see Pesach as part of a bigger picture and not judge a child’s loyalty or love based on Pesach plans.” Our children have competing loyalties, practical limitations, and pressures. There are other opportunities to host.

I know of one couple who cannot host Pesach but purposefully hosts the entire family the week before. They do a run-through of the divrei Torah and enjoy precious family time. our needs, as well as the needs of our adult children and their growing families. Call a family meeting. Talk it out! Lay it all out on the table.

Write notes before so you don’t get distracted and overly emotion-

“It’s important to see Pesach as part of a bigger picture and not judge a child’s loyalty or love based on Pesach plans.”

So what’s the takeaway from this discussion? Ideally, we should be open about our limitations, about al. All of us, older and younger, must practice understanding, compassion, tolerance, flexibility and patience as we acknowledge that families experience transitions. With time and mindfulness, we learn to go with the flow. There is no perfect scenario. What works this year may not work next year. Be flexible. Discuss the options, giving each suggestion the attention it deserves.

One last crucial detail from my dear neighbor, Nechama Katz. Remember, peace above all!

As we end off, I extend a plea to all. We are not superwomen! Absolutely everyone, all able-bodied individuals, must pitch in. Seriously! Cleaning. Kashering. Shopping. Cooking. Table setting. Serving. House maintenance. Entertaining the children. There are many details to be tended to.

Where ever we do land up ultimately, however our plans evolve, it is certainly beneficial to keep in mind that everything always works out according to plan, Hashem’s plan!

Wishing all a chag kosher v’sameach! And iy”H may we all soon join together in Yerushalayim Habenuya, where we truly belong!

Join the conversation and email list of JWOW! by writing to hello @jewishwomenofwisdom.org.