Parenting Pearls

Loving All Our Children

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

Iremember when I was working on my master’s degree and the teacher described how special education used to look: children were either “teachable” or “not teachable.” Baruch Hashem, we have come very far from those days when parents were told to not bother educating their child. Our yeshivos and bais yaakovs now boast of programs that include children of all abilities. There are so many options that most families are able to keep their child in a Jewish environment without compromising on their medical or educational needs. It makes sense that our community would make the extra effort to reach out to all students, since we know that each child has a special neshama that is a gift from Hashem.

I was impressed to see how even colleges have come to respect and assist those with special needs. The attitude isn’t “if you can’t keep up, then you don’t belong here.” There is now a greater recognition that many students can accomplish great educational goals with a little assistance.

Initially, I was hoping for this article to coincide with Rare Disease Day on February 28, an internationally recognized day that is dedicated to raising awareness among the general population of the many rare diseases, but then I checked the calendar and realized that it fell out on the week of Purim. I had never heard of Rare Disease Day until my amazing and incredibly adorable niece was diagnosed with a rare (non-hereditary) disease, KAT6A. While I rarely get to spend time with this Israeli niece, we’ve all gained so much from having her in our family. I’ve seen how hard one person can work to accomplish what is easy for others, all while smiling through it. This seemed like a good opportunity to bring up respecting others, even those who may function differently than us.

While there are immense differences between a child with speech difficulty and a child with a rare disease, learning to not only tolerate but respect both of them is important and will be the topic of this article.

Evening Out the Playing Field

I think there are many who have the misconception that giving some students special accommodations creates an unfair playing field and is unfair to those who aren’t getting what they deem special treatment. This couldn’t be further from the truth and creates feelings of animosity towards those needing assistance. There is a rigorous process before students receive any accommodations. Everything needs to be proven necessary before allowing for the accommodations. Students can’t claim something they don’t need; everything requires documentation.

Special accommodations or providing special assistance to a student helps that student show what they can really accomplish if they’re not hindered by their disability or extra limitations. As an example, one of my children qualified to have non-reading-based questions read out loud to him during testing. This means that if the test is on the subject of reading, then they can’t be given assistance, but if the question is not reading-based, such as math, then they can have it read to them. I truly appreciated the difference this made when my reading-challenged child received a near perfect score on his math test. Without the accommodation, he would not have been able to answer any of the questions but with minimal assistance we were able to see how much he knew. A child with regular reading ability would not have been helped by this accommodation but a reading-challenged child was given a chance to show what he knew. He shined because he was given that opportunity.

Every individual comes with their own challenges, and with a little assistance we can allow each child to show us their best and excel at their level. Whether that means laptop access for a child with writing difficulties or an extra quiet work environment during testing, each individual should be given the chance to succeed.

My beautiful niece, Shifra bas Chana Dina

Begin the Discussion

Open the discussion with your children and take advantage of teachable moments. Explain to them that other children may be different or have challenges but they are still worthwhile individuals.

After my niece, just a baby at the time, was diagnosed, we all sat down with our children to discuss with them how their cousin would be different and have unique needs. We answered their questions then and continuously as they came up later.

When my young child saw a person in a video using a wheelchair, I explained to him what it was and why she used it. Children don’t inherently realize that someone else may not be able to do something they can.

This applies in all areas of life. If a child can do something, anything, they assume others can, as well. It certainly doesn’t occur to them that another person can’t do something they do naturally, such as walk, hear, see, or breathe unassisted.

You don’t need to sit your child down and tell them about every disability that exists, as this will overwhelm and scare them. You certainly don’t want to frighten them as children, can easily assume the same will happen to them. What you can do is answer their questions, spoken and unspoken, in a simple and clear way. Don’t assume they understand what a person can’t do and why. Start with the basics and answer in a matter-offact manner. Allow them to ask questions and answer calmly.

Watch Your Language Around Your Children

Our kids see our actions and hear our words – make sure that both reflect respect for others. Too often, our behavior makes fun of others in a subtle way. Whether it’s imitating someone’s accent, stutter, or way of walking, our children will pick up on it. The truth is we should always watch our language and actions because our behavior makes us who we are, even when our children are not present. The beautiful Shabbos table should never become a source of speaking negatively about others or making fun of people. Sadly, the conversation can too easily slip into the wrong places.

Be patient when speaking to others who have challenges communicating. Too often, we are impatient and this comes through. Not only is it disrespectful to the person you are speaking with but it gives the wrong

message to your children. Also, avoid staring or pointing at people. While it’s natural to be curious, staring and pointing can be hurtful.

Don’t allow your children to make fun of others, and don’t laugh at jokes that deride people. How often do we hear fat jokes or hear kids use the term “four eyes”? The comments are hurtful and give our children the impression that such things are acceptable. Jokes that make fun of others can’t truly be called “jokes,” and they’re never funny.

Use Your Language With Others

Don’t forget that people with challenges are still people. We often forget and will speak about them instead of directly to them. If you want to know if they’d like something, ask them. You usually don’t need to ask someone else. By speaking over them, it shows a lack of respect for them as individuals. In addition, we all too often forget this with children. Children very early on understand what you’re saying about them. Don’t hesitate to address them directly and avoid saying anything in front of them that you wouldn’t say to them.

Don’t be afraid to communicate with people. You’d be surprised how

much body language can show. I’ve learned to speak with my non-English speaking father-in-law using a combination of body language and tone of voice. The few Russian words I know often make him laugh rather than communicate effectively, but I can usually get my point across and I know he appreciates my efforts.

I know a little sign language but I’ve learned to “speak” with my deaf relatives rather effectively. As deaf individuals, they are used to communicating with the hearing world and know when you respectfully try your best. You don’t need to know ASL (American Sign Language) to address someone who is hard of hearing. Sim-

ple adjustments such as speaking clearly, enunciating your words, and maintaining eye contact are far more helpful than yelling.

Kids can learn to communicate with those who seem different from them. You may be surprised to realize that your child doesn’t even notice the differences you do. By treating others with respect, you are demonstrating with your actions how they should behave around others.

Children don’t, on their own, recognize other people’s challenges and why they have certain needs. You have the chance to bring it up in a way that answers their question while teaching them to respect others. You will give so much over in both your attitude and words. You have the opportunity to teach your child about the beauty within each person, a gift directly from Hashem.

Please keep my niece, Shifra bas Chana Dina, and all those with medical needs in mind. Daven to Hashem to help all of our children reach their full potential. We all have more capabilities than we realize at first glance. May we all reach for our own amazing heights.

Kids can learn to communicate with those who seem different from them.

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.