Porches, Pianos & Proposals by Malky Lowinger

Porches, Pianos & Proposals

DATING BECOMES CREATIVE

By Malky Lowinger

It’s almost a year since a devastating pandemic has rocked the world and virtually every aspect of our lives has been affected. But somehow, we’ve learned to adapt to the new normal, and we persevere. We’ve also discovered that when there seems to be no solution to a problem, caring members of Klal Yisroel somehow find a way to figure things out.

From the very beginning of the pandemic, it was clear that traditional dating was not an option. Back in the spring, during the early days of the lockdown, most people opted to stay home.

Local shadchan Chani Lehmann remembers it well. “All of a sudden last March,” she says, “the question came up. Should we even continue redting shidduchim? Should singles meet under these circumstances? I spoke to my rav, and his answer was crystal clear. ‘Never stop redting shidduchim!’ That’s when I knew we had to figure out a way to make it work.”

Thus, a whole new chapter of dating began.

At first, singles were meeting each other via Zoom. That worked for a while but clearly wasn’t a long-term solution. When the weather turned warm, daters met each other in outdoor public areas, usually coming in separate cars. It helped somewhat but with no restrooms or food options available, dates were deliberately kept short.

“People did anything,” Chani remembers, “just to have some sort of date.”

And so the world of shidduchim continued to function, although at a slower, more deliberate pace.

Eventually, several people offered their backyards and basements and pool houses to daters, an option that allowed for more privacy and comfort. In turn, Chani created a spreadsheet that listed all available dating venues. After she posted it on a shidduch chat, she started getting calls from eager hosts. “At first,” she says, “we listed maybe ten backyards. But then it kind of exploded. It went viral way beyond our imagination. People were texting us from everywhere with ideas for dating places. We listed furniture stores, office lounges, rooftops, game rooms, and more. The outpouring of caring was incredible.”

As the offers kept pouring in at a steady pace, Chani realized that there was tremendous potential to turn this into something big. She also recognized

that this system would work best only if it was efficiently organized.

“I’m an organized person,” she explains. “And I knew that the best way to reach the maximum amount of daters with the most options would be to formulate a central list.”

Chani’s list of out-of-the-box shidduch venues is now three pages long and has been updated twenty-six times. It is still growing and evolving. It’s filled with a huge variety of suggested dating places including descriptions, available amenities, and contact information. The list is color coded to indicate indoor or outdoor venues. Aside from local venues, the list also includes out-of-town communities and locations in Eretz Yisroel.

While most of the venues featured are backyards, basements, patios, and sunrooms, there is plenty of variety. Daters can choose out-of-the-box options such as a dentist’s office in Queens, a therapy office in Lakewood, a warehouse conference room in Eatontown, NJ, a synagogue in Baltimore, and – surely everyone’s favorite – a rooftop in Rechavia.

Hosts are invariably gracious and generous, and, most of all, discreet. They offer their premises free of charge and usually will include snacks, drinks, and a selection of activities.

To be posted on Chani’s list, hosts must ensure that they have properly dealt with any potential yichud issues and that they are sanitizing the premises between dates.

“I can’t take personal responsibility for this,” Chani notes, “when I’m not there.”

Most hosts consult with a rav or posek on how to handle the yichud issue. Some have been advised that surveillance cameras overseeing the premises sufficiently solves the problem while others opt for shidduch hosts or volunteers as “yotzeh v’nichnas” in a discreet and unobtrusive manner.

What began as a modest venture evolved into a massive movement, with members of the community stepping up to the plate and offering beautifully appointed settings with every conceivable amenity and activity to make the dating experience more pleasant and more enjoyable. Chani estimates that thousands of daters are using these venues and countless proposals have resulted.

“It’s amazing,” says Chani. “Aside from the private homes, there are five large dating centers located in Passaic, Manhattan, the Five Towns, Edison, and Bellworks in New Jersey. They’re all beautiful.”

By and large, the daters are thrilled. Boys who were never quite comfortable with the scene at a Manhattan hotel lounge now have the option of dating at a quiet and private location. Parking is easy and everything is free.

“We find that the couples are more relaxed,” Chani observes. “Everything is kosher and proper. There’s no need to worry about a possible inappropriate atmosphere.”

Miriam, who lives in Staten Island, offers the den in her basement to daters

The Date Room in New Jersey

and says she averages about four or five couples a week. The area is set up with drinks, snacks, board games, and a piano which, she says, the daters will occasionally play. Most dates, she said, last about an hour or two, but sometimes they will stay longer, especially when the couple has already dated several times.

Two couples who dated in Miriam’s basement have gotten engaged, and they made sure to call her to share their good news.

“It was so exciting,” says Miriam. “I felt like I was part of the simcha!”

In Edison, NJ, Leah and her husband decided to transform a large unused room in his office into a dating area l’iluy nishmas his father, R’ Eliyahu Shraga ben R’ Avrohom. “We started this in November,” says Leah, “when we realized that outdoor places for dating weren’t an option anymore.”

At first, Leah wondered whether couples would even venture out to Edison, but the numbers speak for themselves. Since mid-November, the Date Room has hosted hundreds of dates, and many engagements have ensued.

“We’re about 45 minutes from both Lakewood and Brooklyn, so it is centrally located. The drive is often beneficial because it helps to break the ice,” she notes.

The Date Room has a private entrance and plenty of parking. The venue is clean, comfortable, attractive, modern, and filled with activities. Upon entering, there is soft music playing. There are new couches, furniture, and carpeting. “There’s also a piano, an electric guitar, and an acoustic guitar, and, yes, the daters have used them quite often,” Leah adds.

But even if they’re not musically inclined, there’s plenty of other options. “People have stayed for four or five hours because there’s so much to do,” she says.

The Date Room includes a large selection of games, kinetic sand, coloring activities, a pool table, a ping pong table, and an air hockey table. The room is well stocked with a wide variety of snacks and beverages and coffee machines. Portraits of famous people hang on the walls, and daters can enjoy challenging themselves by guessing who’s who. (There’s an answer key for when they are stumped.)

A steady stream of calls and text messages from a broad range of daters often means that the room is booked well in advance. Boys (or their mothers and sometimes shadchanim) will check for availability even before they set up their dates. The Date Room is by reservation only, and hosts one date at a time. It’s a private room and is appropriate and equipped for any stage of dating. Halachic guidelines are followed to ensure there are no yichud issues.

“During this very challenging time,” says Leah, “we feel so fortunate to be able to help.”

The Dating Lounge has hosted over two hundred and fifty dates as well as several proposals.

In Passaic, NJ, the Dating Lounge is run by Mrs. B and Mrs. W, who are both involved in shidduchim.

“The room is aesthetically pretty, clean, and modern, and decorated in soft grays and blues,” says Mrs. B. “We thought a lot about what dating couples would want. Our lounge is both comfortable and elegant at the same time. The ambience is both sophisticated and relaxing.”

Mrs. B says that their experience as shadchanim was crucial in designing the Dating Lounge. “It’s important that someone who knows the ins and outs of shidduchim be involved in something like this,” she explains. “We used our experience as matchmakers and mentors to design a space which addresses the daters’ needs and will make the process more enjoyable. We tried to think of everything, and we even asked singles what we can do to improve it.”

The Passaic Dating Lounge includes a variety of amenities including a sound system, a kitchen stocked with snacks, hot and cold drinks, cholov yisroel ice cream, and a variety of boardgames. Barstools and tables are available for use, and some daters choose to bring along their own food. “We provide a washing station as well,” Mrs. B points out.

The location is divided into three main zones designed for multiple daters. Each couple has their own private seating area, but there is also a common area which is divided into zones for privacy. This area offers activities such as boardgames, arts and crafts, or sports games.

“We advise the couples before the date about how best to utilize the venue which really depends on how often they’ve already met. There’s so much to do here that several couples have returned two or three times because they’re never bored. Every time they come back, they try something new.”

The venue can accommodate six dates at a time.

The Dating Lounge is located in a commercial office building. “The owner of the property saw an opportunity to do a mitzvah,” Mrs. W says, “and we are so grateful.” The venue is in officially in Bloomfield, NJ, which is located near Passaic.

A staff member is on premises during the dates. This helps to avoid yichud issues, but it also serves another purpose.

“We find that the singles actually like having our volunteers there,” says Mrs. W. “If they need anything, they have someone to ask. It also adds a reassuring human touch to the dating experience. I think it really enhances the experience.”

Since they opened, say the women, the Dating Lounge has hosted over two hundred and fifty dates as well as several proposals.

Those who prefer to date locally in the Five Towns can meet at the Abode furniture store located on Central Avenue, a well-known elegant furniture emporium. Avigayil, who manages the dating schedule at Abode, explains how the concept evolved.

“Back in April,” she says, “we were all scrambling for a solution to the dating problem. There was no place to go, not even a hotel. At one point, my own daughter needed a place to date, and that’s when a friend suggested that I call Yoeli Brach from Abode.”

Brach graciously agreed to offer the store, and it’s become a popular dating venue ever since.

“It’s a tremendous chessed,” says Avigayil. “There are certainly expenses. The heat is running all winter and the air conditioning was on all summer.” But, of course, the zechus is immeasurable. According to Avigayil, the store has helped facilitate “at least forty engagements” and counting.

Abode is large enough to accommodate four or even five dating couples at a time. The boys book their time slots with Avigayil, who gives them the key and a list of instructions. She spaces the dates twenty minutes apart so they don’t all arrive at the same time, but they do inevitably open the door for each other.

Each dating couple sits in a private area, but there is also a common area. “There’s a chill factor that you need to have if you’re going to be dating here,” says Avigayil. “You can’t be uptight about meeting other people. It’s not the end of the world if you bump into a friend.”

By all accounts, the hundreds of daters who are utilizing these venues are invariably gracious, mature, and grateful. In fact, the hosts can barely remember any awkward moments since they opened their premises to dates. The worst that’s happened is that someone went home with the bathroom key by mistake (it was brought back from Lakewood the very next day), a couple showed up to the wrong address (they were promptly redirected after a quick phone call to their host), and a key jammed in the door while several daters were waiting to enter (“we all started giggling and it eased the tension”).

As warmer weather approaches, and with it a glimmer of hope that the pandemic will finally end, shadchanim are hoping that normal dating will soon resume. But the question remains. Will these dating venues, which seem to be working quite well, continue to function even as standard venues reopen? Can this be a long-term solution?

Some hosts are eager to see their chessed continue, though long-term financing arrangements would have to be considered.

Leah, for one, is clearly enthusiastic.

“This place should definitely continue to be used even when things get back to normal,” she says. “It’s a kosher alternative for those who don’t want to be in a possibly inappropriate environment.”

“People love it,” concurs Chani. “They enjoy it so much more than a hotel lounge. I happen to think it will not fade away that quickly.”

And if the following message from a bochur-turned-chosson to Chani Lehmann is any indication, the daters themselves would be thrilled if these venues were here to stay:

“I am engaged tonight because of your backyard list,” he wrote. “I would never have gone out if I didn’t have a variety of legit options. I proposed tonight in a backyard because for us it was symbolic of the entire dating tekufah during Covid.

“Thank you for all the work you do. I have no words to express our appreciation and how much we gained from it.”